#so we told her we'd meet up with her in town bc by then she said she'd be done & itd be more convenient for her

[neechees]

Tricked & coerced into watching my niblings again.

[plasmamembranes]

My gf and I were telling her grandmother about our first date last night in the kitchen and I feel so warm and cozy whenever I think about it

It was really cute and sweet btw

I'd literally written her a long ass letter and shared it over Google docs bc I already liked her more than I ever believed it was possible to like anyone that early. And I knew I needed to put all the cards out on the table immediately before I fell in love with her so it wouldn't hurt me as much if she needed to end things. And I needed to be brave bc getting to be with her was worth it - everything in me was screaming at me to ghost her bc I had a lot of secrets to tell her snd it was hard.

After I sent her the Google doc she said "I'm not sure what I'm going to do, I need time to think" and then 20 minutes later she said "I need to meet you in person, how about tomorrow?"

And she drove nearly two hours in the pouring rain to come see me, and it was her first time EVER driving on the highway, she'd only ever driven in cities. And she met me at my towns library. And I had gotten there early and sat and used paper and crayons from the library to make her an origami flower bouquet bc at the time I was too broke to buy her real flowers 💀💀 when she walked in i saw her tall figure and her beautiful brunette hair and she was dressed all in black and I was so nervous I felt sick. When she came up to me we embraced, I was planning on initiating a hug but she beat me to it.

And it was rainy and cold but she brought an umbrella and we walked around in the downtown area chatting and the place I wanted to go with her was too loud and noisy so we chose a new place and sat and ate pizza together.

Then we left and walked to a used bookstore slash antiques store that had junk shoved into every corner and we spent a long time exploring it and talking, and she told me about the books she'd been writing. We both expressed later about how much we wish we'd kissed or held hands in the back of that store.

She bought a deck of cards there and we sat in her truck playing cards. Then the plan was to go sit in a night cafe and continue playing cards but fate had other plans. Then a week later I spent the night at her house lol

[boondockerblog]

Day 51 (Cabeza Prieta)

Desire deeper involvement with society and culture to some degree; it is a basic component of their motivation to travel.

What a day! New paths, and lots of them so I have Cairns at every turn. At one point I saw below me a colorfully dressed mountain biker. I usually don't see anyone when I'm far away from the 2 roads. We had a great convo - she lives in Ajo and works at the bank and started Bike Ajo (FB to get more bikes to come here for the trails) and gave me the map that they made.

Wow - so many paths (and they only marked ones that would be big fun for mountain bikers, so this map shows half or less) - looking forward to going on some of the ones we've never been to. We also talked about the electric outage issue (see Day 49) - there's only one line that comes here and it's from Gila Bend so if it goes out that's it. Remember we're talking a town of 200 so they're unlikely to get any more. So interesting to talk to a business person.

I followed the path the way she said would loop me around Locomotive Rock and after a lot of miles that I could see were going further and further away I finally just left the path picking around the cactus for 30 minutes toward the Rock and then back onto a path.

Then, yards from the motorhome, I met people from British Columbia and had another great convo about running and hiking.

By the time I got back it was super late for breakfast, and Bill thought we were going into Ajo to our wonderful coffee play anyway. So we did.

We were sitting outside at the coffee shop talking about the glass box office saying this must have been a movie theater. Later when taking our cups inside we asked and the woman said yes until about the 1970s (like almost everything else in Ajo). She asked if we wanted to see it. Of course!!!

Where the freestanding chairs are, and 20 mir rows back you could see in the floor the marks from rows of seats that had been removed (likely to put up the walls that became the seating area for the sandwich shop - what she told us it was before the coffee shop - what we didn't take a picture of are all the booths piled up from another restaurant). She also told us that the other box office window a couple doors down had been a performance hall). We of course matched right down there to see if we could get in and it is now the office of the ISDA and behind their office is the stage and a large hall still used today for meetings, bar mitzvah, quinceañeras, etc. Hearing all the ISDA does for the community - added to what the wonderful woman at the coffee shop told us, we love Ajo even more than all the other years.

What we learned today about the currently small population of Ajo was just how much is going on here - something we'd never have suspected given how few of the commercial buildings (except the Plaza) are open. Such a sense of community. Met a woman walking her dog who said she came to visit Ajo and fell in love with it so moved here from Boston.

Love this sign painted into a building.

We walked past the little Visitors Center and who did we see but the people from BC I'd met in the morning.  They had said they were going to ride into to town but such a surprise for them to be on the plaza when we were. We continued our conversation and learned about their brewery/distillery business and healthcare in Canada including how it works when you're in the US. They need to add on to the number of days they'd be covered in the US, which means a phone call with a long health interview of both of them. There's no cell service in town for us unless we use Wi-Fi calling and their phone doesn't work for calls period so they used ours. So interesting to learn all this. Just a delightful conversation.

[khodorkovskaya]

complete recap of my skating camp trip part 1

sooo buckle up besties, get yourselves a cup of tea and let me embark you on this journey with me. to figure skating summer camp!

so it took place in a town in the mountains called V. it's also a ski station. and, as lucien told me, it's quite lowkey. like it's a ski station for swiss people and it's not super touristy, compared to like verbier or crans montana. it's very old money basically. like it's super luxurious, clean and expensive, but it's not flashy like a lot of ski resorts. also it's weird bc i didn't see any young people there. there were mostly 40+ yr olds and elderly couples. and lots of good cars. again, not the flashy types, but like little porsches or just like discrete german cars. i saw one g-wagon with ukrainian number plates, but the rest were like old money cars, you know what i mean? lucien also told me that there's no airbnb there. like it's really not that much of a touristy place.

but anyway, im getting ahead of myself.

so the plan was for me to come there on sunday so that i could spend the night at lucien's parents place and not have to wake up super early on monday bc skating camp started at 8:30. but they didn't want to take me in lol. bc im not family and they were skeptical.

so i ended up waking up at 5am on monday and taking the train at 6. i arrived to the closest train station at like 7:30ish and lucien met me there to drive me to the camp.

and okay right off the bat i knew i was in for a wild ride. bc imagine, it's 7am, i was supposed to meet lucien at the café at the train station. and like as soon as i walk in, he's like super hyped. he had butler energy. like he usually looks pretty rough lol, but this time i was surprised by his appearance bc he had slicked back hair and he was wearing this like really cool red hoodie (from diving school) and the whole look was giving nutcracker like adjshjhg.

anyway, i walk in and he grabs my suitcase and exclaims "madame!!! may i offer you a coffee?" and im like umm sure yeah and he turns to the lady there and he's like "a coffee for madame please!!!! it's my treat for madame!". like it was really giving butler, i was a bit embarrassed bc he was so loud so early in the morning.

then i gave him the tshirt i made. because, getting side tracked, but every year i organise a contest for my birthday for the best video montage and the winners get tshirts with my face on it, it's a whole thing. so yeah i finally gave lucien his tshirt. and he changed into it right then and there. and again i was a bit embarrassed bc like he has a nipple and a bellybutton piercing and his hyped energy weirded everyone out i feel.

so yeah then we got in the car and he drove me around this town like 10 times. he was like "yeahhhh i want you to feel independent, madame. you should know where everything is in case you need anything".

then we got to the rink and met our coaches. and omg they're so good! so there's A who's an ex competitive skater, she went to junior worlds, four continents and sea games. and R who's her ex coach who lowkey reminded me of dave lease lol.

we were the only adults there lol. the rest were girls aged 7 to 15. we were 10 in total.

we lived in a little chalet right next to the rink, it was literally perfect!

then we went on the ice straight away. and it was my 1st time like properly skating in my new skates. and the euphoria i felt when i stepped on the ice oh myyy. i was so happy!

so the way it was organised is that we'd have 3 hours of ice per day. either 1 in the morning and 2 in the afternoon or the other way around. and during each session we'd be split into two groups and alternate between the coaches every 30 minutes.

the lessons were absolutely incredible! like idek how to explain it. but it was like high level stuff. the coaches had a very individual approach tailoured to everyone and it was so good!

after skating we had lunch. and the camp reserved a table at this super nice restaurant for us for lunch and dinner. with a gorgeous view on the valley. and the food was so good!!!! i mean it was tailored towards kids so we had pasta, chicken, chips. croque-monsieurs, that kind of thing. so nothing too spicy or too weird. but to me it was basically comfort food every day and i enjoyed it a lot!!!!

after lunch lucien suggested we go see his parents... and i was a little uneasy bc they didn't want me at their house, right? but he insisted. and i, being eastern european, was like "let's stop by the bakery and get them something for tea". lucien found it a bit strange. and he was like why, so i explained to him that it's impolite to come empty handed if you're invited to someone's house. and he was like "we're not invited, we're just gonna show up". and i was like "that's literally why we should definitely bring something!!!!".

so yeah, we stopped by the bakery and got his parents two pieces of this like pear chocolate cake.

so the parents weren't expecting us, and especially not me, so there was a bit of awkwardness there. but old people usually like me and they were very pleasantly surprised by the cake, so the awkwardness went away pretty quickly. but they were a bit on edge because we just like came without an invitation.

his dad looked a lot like the turtle from kung fu panda lol. and i think he has a cataract or some kind of old people eye problem bc his eyes were a bit weird. meanwhile the mum looked like a typical well off house wife. like makeup in the house, simple clothes that fit her well, tidy hairdo.

the chalet has been the same since the 70s, it had this kitsch 70s decor like flowery wallpaper and greens and orange-browns. they still had lucien and his sister's drawings up dating from the 70s, calendars from the 90s, some old christmas decorations, old family photos, lots of kitschy objects and decor. but it was all very tidy and, despite not being minimalist at the slightest, it didn't give off the vibe of like being hoarded, unlike a lot of poor old people's houses, you know what i mean?

then lucien wanted to show me how to ride a bike because umm yeah confession time, idk how to ride a bike. so he got out his old bike that he's cleaned the day before and we went to the flat part of the road for me to try it out. it was a lot easier than expected and i learned almost immediately.

then lucien asked me if i want to try out his electric bike and i was like sure. so i got on it and oh my god. have you guys ever tried an electric bike? the sensation is incredible! and so i took his bike and rode off lol. meanwhile he was left with the regular one.

and yeah, we ended up cycling for 17km! idk how lucien survived lol bc it was mostly uphill. like he's in such good shape but still.

we ended up missing gym class and got back right in time for the second skating session.

then lucien went home for dinner with his parents, meanwhile i had dinner with everyone else.

oof okay besties, im literally falling asleep. part 2 tomorrow! there's so much tea to spill likeeee y'all are gonna love it, this is just the beginning! laku noc 😘

[nerdnag]

Like. Listen to this weird stuff.

Her, I've been friends with for almost 10 years. Him, I've known since May of this year when we met at an event out of town. He and I clicked, like, right away, and we've been chatting and hanging out quite a lot over the Summer.

Two weeks ago when he and I hung out, he told me he'd met this cool person at his chess club. He started telling me a bit about her and after a few seconds I was like, "hey that's my best friend!!"

So yeah that was weird to begin with, but weirder stuff has happened I guess. Earlier this week they both convinced me I should come to the chess club with them, and so I did, and as some of you know, that ended up in a disaster bc I got an anxiety attack and fled the club before the tournament had even started. But before that I took note of the fact that "huh, they seem pretty easygoing with each other already. Oh well they have stuff in common so not too strange I guess".

Cue yesterday, when I met him alone again, and he's giving me these weird vibes. He talks a bit about her and I draw out of him that he's met her cats, which means he's been at her place, which I found a little weird since they had known each other for three weeks or so at this point (and he hadn't even been to my place yet, even though we'd literally talked a week earlier about how I wanted him to come meet my cats!!). Also he seemed almost embarrassed when I was surprised at this, and became strangely avoidant. But still... Not going to draw any conclusions, it was probably nothing...

Then he tells me he's tired bc he barely slept either Friday or Saturday night, and I knew he was at a birthday party on Saturday, so I asked if he was to another party on Friday, and he became super avoidant again and was like, "no, uhh, something else, anyway uhh".

And I was sitting there playing MtG with him and wondering what the hell all these signals were that I was picking up. Because there were more little details too, things that just seemed a bit off somehow.

Only later that night did it strike me like a bolt from the blue when my brain went "Wait. They're sleeping with each other??? And neither of them told me??"

Could barely sleep at all, realized I needed to ask one or both of them, and decided that the right thing to do was to ask her since I've known her for longest. (my partner may also have acted out the role of therapist for me for a couple of hours while I tried to process everything that was going on)

So. This morning I sent her a message asking if something's going on between the two of them. She fortunately answered, and later I also talked to him as well.

AND WOULD YOU BELIEVE IT I WAS RIGHT. Well. Not that they've slept with each other, but that something is going on. But apparently I caught it so early that nothing has truly even happened yet and they haven't even talked to each other about it yet. So uhhhh. The autistic apparently picked up the signals before either of them did??

And now I'm in this weird position where I've talked to both of them separately and know how they feel about it but they haven't talked to each other yet but they know I've talked to the both of them and they are both extremely curious to know what I've said to the other and what the other has said to me but I don't want to share that information between the two of them bc that would be disrespectful and omg this is confusing and difficult and I thought FRIEND GROUPS were hard can you imagine this shit??? Like, the fact that these are two people from entirely different circles of my life who have suddenly met and become really close, and I have no idea how to handle that in itself, is still like one dimension below what is going on right now?? I'm playing four-dimensional social chess for fuck's sake

And at the same time I know that she can burn fast and hot when she's into someone and I don't want him to accidentally be hurt bc he is much less experienced and I care about them both a whole lot but also if they do like each other then I don't want to hinder that in any way so all I can really do is ask them to please tread carefully and don't take things too fast but THEY'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR THREE WEEKS AND HE HAS APPARENTLY ALREADY SPENT A NIGHT ON HER COUCH AND ASDFGHJKL WHY AM I BEING TRIED LIKE THIS

I am in the weirdest social situation with my two local best friends right now lol

[ropebunnykant]

Dude I have a whole story for Alex's girlfriend skfnfnf.

- she was raised by her grandma (her dad was never in the picture, her mom died when she was very young) who grew up with 70s-80s music and that's why she loves and knows so much about it. "We'd spend hours listening to her old records and looking through vintage magazines, it was the best part of my childhood"

- she's a very independent and outgoing person who brings Alex out of his shell when necessary and he keeps her feet on the ground so she doesn't fly away (metaphorically ofc kdjfjf)

- Yes, you're so right she moves to America for college. It's always been her dream to explore more of the world and it breaks Alex's heart but he's always known the day was going to come. They agree to stay friends (Sander is very happy "they'll get back together robbe I know it, they're like you & me!")

- unfortunately, they're young, stupid and distance plus the break up was a lot for both fo them so they lose touch for a while.

- she has never been happier, America has been so good to her. She's a double major in psychology and creative writing. She dates, even has a serious-ish bf but it didn't work out. She graduates....grandma doesn't make it to her graduation. She finds out she's sick.

- Going back to Belgium was never in her plans but grandma always comes first. The funeral was sad, she loses herself in grief for a few months but she's always been so strong, things get better.

- if moving back to her home town was not in any of her plans, actually trying to make a life there was even further down the list. It's okay though, she wanted to be there. After taking care of grandma's things she decided she needed to reconnect with her roots. So, she gets a job, a pretty cool one actually, it was nothing too fancy, but she did a lot of internships during college which helped her score a position at a publishing company.

- the next 6 months were good, and things felt in place for the first time in a while. That's when she ran into Alex. It was straight of a Romcom. They were both a grocery store (a fact both robbe and Sander giggled at when they were told this story later on), she bumped into him, he dropped his basket "oh sorry lemme help you" "oh that's okay I got it-", their eyes met and suddenly they had made plans to catch up the next day.

- It was as if nothing had changed. She finds out Alex took a gap year last minute. He did some volunteer work here, some traveling there, but mostly he had wanted to assure some independence with a job. His parents and Mia were doing good, she's glad to hear...god she misses them. Alex says he heard about her grandma and asks her about what she's up to. They laugh, they stare lovingly, lunches become a weekly thing, texts become a daily thing.

- What follows over the next 2 years is them overusing the phrase "we are JUST friends". They were older but still stupid. Ah love. You get it.

- Eventually, and with a very big push from Sander Robbe and Mia (hmm mostly Sander) Alex confesses how much he still loves (oh GOD, I've gone this long without giving that girl a proper name jfc- ok ok umm, ok got it) Camille. They hug, kiss, she obviously loves him back and BOOM!

"ok I want to hear you say it"

"I never disagreed with you! I just said to let them be *rolls eyes*"

"but you never agreed either Robbe, so say it 😌"

"Fiiiine. You told me so. Happy, Sander?"

"yes very much, now let's go watch them get married :')"

(side note: they don't live in Belgium anymore. They moved somewhere else where Alex completed a masters degree but they visit very often with the most spoiled grandchildren you will ever meet)

Bestie...did I really just write that much-

DHAKDKWKD NO BECAUSE I LOVE ALL OF THIS ALSO THE WAY YOU WENT THROUGH MOST OF THAT WITHOUT GIVING HER A NAME I CANTTTTT

for once i have nothing to add. this is perfect i love them and this lil fictional world we’ve created just bc we decided sander needed a kid that hates bowie skdksk ilysm i’m gonna drop in your inbox with some mia headcanons in a bit k love youuuuuu

[wouldnt-it-be-hilarious-if-i]

currently listening to: river by Leon bridges

ive been thinking about when my oma died a few years ago.

we were at her wake, and my cousin was crying her eyes out. she hadn't helped take care of oma the way i had. sure she'd offer to give my mom and i breaks. and she'd make plans with us where we'd get a weekend to ourselves, free of diaper changes and spoon feeding and telling oma her husband had died sometime in 2004 every few minutes, only to just never show up. she brought a singular craft she made once for oma. she put it on the wall in the dining room but oma never looked at it bc she couldn't walk or really leave her chair most of the time, so it wasn't in her line of sight. something my cousin would have known if she'd been there more.

anyway, she was crying. And she told me that she really regretted not doing more. she told me that she regretted it bc she asked her side of the family about it and they said she deserved to experience life. let somebody else deal with it.

ive been thinking about how as they were saying that, and she was finishing college and coming to town to meet with friends and drink craft beer, i was watching my friends instagram stories of them twerking at dances and drinking and doing all the traditions our weird lil liberal arts college has to offer.

my cousin looked at me v carefully as she told me this little tidbit about her family. bc i think she was waiting for me to yell at her or be angry with her or something. maybe an angry quip would have made her feel better. so she knew she had received punishment for something she knew was cruel but did anyway. it very much felt like i was the priest she was confessing her sins to.

i won't lie. ive never liked her for that reason. for always being the one who takes and takes, but rarely gives. for talking down to me for being younger and taking pride in the fact that she's not like other girls or other millennials, and for forgetting about me when i wasn't cool to her anymore when we were kids. i won't lie and say i didn't want to choke her for that to me while my oma was barely in the ground yet.

i remember staring real hard at the floorboard of the car, and clenching my fists so hard and thinking that she clearly wasn't raised with shame the way i was bc id eat glass before saying something like that out loud. id square dance on nails before publicly admitting that i gave up the last years i had left with my oma bc i wanted to drink craft beer with my friends and forage on farms. but even more so, i don't think id ever have the nerve to look my cousin in the eye and say something like that knowing that bc i wanted to experience life, she had to miss out on the same thing, and be mentally and verbally abused by everyone around her in the process. she must not have been raised with the same shame as me bc i would have kept my mouth shut on that and just ate my fucking food.

i can't blame her for wanting to experience life. but i think about how much i gave up for her to experience what ill never get back, and how she continuously made promises she wouldn't keep and never called on christmas or mother's day and didn't even visit when she was in town unless we begged her to, and i really do wish i had slammed her hair into the car door. (for legal reasons, that's a joke)

i kept my voice level and i nodded toward my cousin, and i said i was sorry she felt that way. and she stared at me. and i stared back very quietly bc if i opened my mouth another time i would have started shouting until she cried.

i told her it was okay. bc at that point, what was the point in telling her that id like to shove her fucking foot beneath the wheel and back over it for living life to the fullest at my expense? was that going to roll back the trauma of having an old nurse yell at me, spy on me, and then tell the neighbors lies about how much of a selfish princess i was? was that going to fix the dilapidated house oma left behind that nobody wanted to help pay for but everyone wanted to decide what to do with? was that going to fix the sleep paralysis i periodically got as a result of being called every week by family members looking to scream at me for how i was doing my job while they sat comfortably in their wingback chairs and eating cheap tv dinners?

no, it would not.

so what was the point in fighting a battle that had already ended?

i think about this moment a lot and how when i was fifteen i sat on my hands when my mother tried to tell me that my sister was just looking out for me when she told me gay people ruin the sanctity of marriage or how i felt so bad for making a girl who fucked me over a hundred times by continuously lying to me cry when she tried to apologize for what she did (i asked her if she thought if i threw my fork far enough, she'd get the hint to go fetch it like a dog and leave me the fuck alone) or how my dad used to ignore me for weeks on end if i stood up for myself and how my mother would beg me to just apologize and my brother would beg me to just not argue back so he wouldn't get so mad and how i was taught that standing up for yourself is tantamount to sin

i think about how often i stop and reword things to spare others feelings or warn them to make sure they know when i may struggle with this or how often i bite my tongue and sit on my hands or how I'd scream strings of course words into my pillows as a kid when i was angry

i think a lot about how my parents justified my dad threatening me with a thick leather belt the day my nephew and i decided to pour all my things out onto the floor of my bedroom to see if we could cover the floor with my stuff. we were four and six, and i remember being cornered against a wall, hugging him close an sobbing that we were sorry until my dad threw the belt down and shouted at us to clean it up in an hour or he'd give us a reason to cry.

i think about these memories often and i think about how they shaped me into a person who doesn't say a word when she is hurting. i think about how these experiences created a girl who just sets her things down calmly, walks out the back door and never returns. who would rather disappear than defend herself. who has nightmares about her tongue swelling up for days when she wants so badly to defend herself, but can't.

i don't have enough years of insurance left for the amount of therapy i need to fix this about myself.