#so then what do i do with all this [jshfsegfe] inside me

[the-gayest-show]

bro it's actually so annoying seeing neil gaiman mentions randomly in stuff now where i used to be excited before.

picked up a copy of fahrenheit 451 (good book, currently reading) and it's not supposed to be about him but he's got an intro section in this book man.

like i don't know what to think, feel. good omens was my lifeline for so long that neil gaiman became my favorite author when i explored his work. i loved the dark vibes about it and stuff, but now it's got me reexamining everything like it's been poisoned.

i still believe in the merit of stuff like good omens and i still have an appreciation for the stuff he made already but it's like i've been soured by all the news of him being a rapist. which i suppose is fair.

but now i see him randomly IN STUFF I DONT EVEN EXPECT HIM IN

i vaguely remember reading a short story where ray bradbury was listed as a huge inspo or something for neil and neil visited ray bradbury or something. so that's why neil's in my world classic book, but it's still annoying. doesn't taint fahrenheit 451 (once again, good book) but it's annoying how his intro words feel horribly wonky to me. i didn't even read the intro i just skipped to the ray bradbury story i wanted to read.

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i still own a few of his books, i still own good omens merch (including neil's scriptbook too)

i get the whole "separate the art from artist" and i believe in it but it's damn different because this man was like. my role model for cool writing. and i liked the stuff he's made. i still love good omens (hence why im still rbing occasional posts) but i dont think i'll view it the same, even if s3 will not have him in it. a lot of his stories are very affecting like they changed my life (i LOVED ocean at the end of the lane) and he got me reading all his short stories when i read trigger warning (which i own a forever copy of in my home). ive read every single one in there and then borrowed other short story collections.

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on the one hand this sucks but i've gained some life lessons from it. one time i made the curse/blessing (both at the same time) of posting a question on reddit asking whether there was physical evidence because i guess i was in denial? i was trying to rationalize everything in a frankly unrationalizable situation, and half the people shouted at me thinking i was a rape apologist (i was asking if there was more evidence that i havent seen because i used to be on the fence but leaning toward believin the survivors) and the other half actually took me at my word and gave me solid advice on how to understand everything (the latter i thank so much for seeing the confusion in everything and answering the real question i had).

like if i've learned anything is that this sucks. you CANT rationalize it and also that i'm not very good at understanding the big social picture and it took me mentioning being autistic to realize "man, the neurodevelopmental disorder that makes you bad at socializing affects how you interact with others in a greater social context!" (and also for half the redditors to realize that i wasn't trying to be mean) who knew. but hey some nice commenters genuinely woke me up and gave me actual viable advice that's actually useful and ive learned so much from that it's crazy.

that;s probably my only positive though. i still get icky looking at some stuff he wrote and was a part of but i suppose im getting thru this in my own way and i'll figure it out.