#so then i woke up at like 2am today and ive been awake since then vjdvcksvcksbxnsb

[lixbf]

insane that i was only awake to receive this phone call by pure chance but now i'll be entering the life of an employed person this year

[july-19th-club]

every time i have a really bad bout of insommnia i realize all over again that im not going to be able to trust my ability to sleep for a very long time...the last time i had even a little bit of trouble sleeping was months and months ago, and i was still able to nod off before 1:30am and get a more or less full night's rest. now it's 2:16am, i've got that fluttery feeling of unrest in my chest that i haven't felt, not really, since last summer, and there are so many things in my mind that i feel like i have to take care of that i just can't relax. i nodded off for about an hour and woke up just before 2am and felt immediately a) sick to my stomach b) the sure and certain knowledge that it might be the most sleep i got at ALL tonight and just the thought of that brought me right back to wide awake. maybe it was something i ate today maybe it was the myriad of things that have gone weird this week - have to finish paperwork for my job for fundraising and the boss wants it (very literally) yesterday, so of course my ability to satisfy what he wants has to be hampered by sleeplessness and exhaustion; i've got a fun family gathering all weekend at an amusement park that i've decided to actually go to this year despite ducking out on the three previous years for work reasons and covid reasons and all very good reasons but now i'm going and good lord i'm terrified of getting sick because i'm just too stupid to stay home. and i fucked up and got the weeks wrong for my most recent therapy appointment and i haven't heard back from her when i texted her to ask what the actual date was so i'm just. starting to think she's dropped me unceremoniously and i'll never hear from her again and it's my fault because i should've been more on the ball to begin with. and who i WANT to talk to about all this is the therapist but. well. ive screwed up somehow and i'm terrified to reach out again because what if that just pisses her off? surely this is not the right way to think about that situation but i need her to tell me what the right way IS. and well you can see my conundrum. anyway it's now edging in on 2:30 and the only thing i can think to do is work on my fundraising paperwork now, at 2am, so that if i call off sick tomorrow on account of no sleep and, probably, impending actual sickness because why else would i not be able to sleep? the last time i had this much trouble i was actually sick, like with a flu, so . anyway if i work on the paperwork NOW then i can send it in tomorrow from home and at least i will not be a complete failure of an employee. fuck my stupid baka life

[requiemfortheindifferent]

Can't wait for my doctors appointment! Hopefully I get back on the same meds because it helped with the paranoid thoughts.

Like today I woke up from a nightmare and in this nightmare I vaguely remembered my throat was slit or something. Since Im awake I go to the bathroom and when I go to wash my hands I see a spot of blood. I look up and then I see my neck is bleeding from this tiny pinprick of a spot. There were some scratches and what looked like another spot but bigger that had been bleeding. Totally freaked me out then I'm wondering if someone had tried to slit my throat but I woke and still being groggy assumed it was a dream? This happened at like just before 2AM and I had a hard time falling asleep. I assumed that someone was going to murder me and I could feel it in my bones.

Also my paranoia is trying to tell me that I am being stalked, and that two people Ive seen at work are out to get me. For no reason I can fathom.

What a day so far.

[this-blog-should-not-exist]

It’s been what, two weeks? One week?

A surprising amount has happened since my last post, idk where to start. So much has been on my mind as well

Last I had said was my last time I saw J I think, which was last Wednesday, the 18th. After that we had just snap chatted for a while. This past Friday I actually had another date with a guy I met on Tinder that I’ll call G, he was a close call to J. So I had told him on Thursday the night before I was going to meet him up in Easton that I was already also talking to another guy. I just wanted to be honest with him because I didn't want to just lead him on and then disappear after the date if it went south. He said that he respected my honesty and that not many guys would do that. So all in all Friday came and we met in Easton at Barnes and Noble. He’s really cute actually, a bit cuter than J but I wasn’t going off that I was going off personality. We ended up spending quite some time at Barnes and Noble talking about comics and books we’ve read and a few other random things. After that we went to get some food at Chipotle and sat outside and talked. We had talked for hours really until it got dark. We got along really well actually, we had so much in common. Books, the way we thought about things, movies and video games. He was like a walking meme too it was fun. But I just didn't feel a spark. Im not sure why I didn’t. Was it because I was already so invested with J? I had been talking to J for about a week longer than G but like I said J was a little more aggressive. G seemed like me, he was softer, gentler and passionate. After we finished talking I had drove him home since he went to college at OSU in Columbus, I didn't want him to have to take the bus home that would’ve taken forever when I could just drive him. I dropped him off and that was the night. I went back home and we said goodnight on snapchat and that was that. The next afternoon he was asking if I had made a decision between him or J and I had chose J because like I said, I for some reason just didn't feel a spark with G. Idk why. I said Id still like to be friends of course because I mean he’s a pretty cool dude, I like him. But since then we’ve talked a little less which I mean is understandable as well. We keep our streak going and make a little talk but thats about it. I hope he’s doing well, I saw today that he had unmatched me on Tinder.

That day though, Saturday I had managed to finally pay off 5,000 that I had owed my college that I went to out in Portland Oregon. I am so so so relieved now, Ive been working so much since this past June to pay off that debt because since I owed them 5,000 they wouldn’t release my transcript which meant i couldn't apply to transfer to a college back here. But now that its paid off I can set all that up this week because I believe my deadline to apply for spring classes is the 30th of this month. 

After that day, I had picked up a shift on Sunday because my friend C was actually going up to Cleveland to see a guy HE’S been talking to on Tinder as well so that was fun. I worked Sunday, C got back that afternoon, he said it was an really good time. The guy he is talking to is 23, a musician and finishing his masters in Cleveland. They fit together really well he had said. Im glad, C had never really had a relationship before and I hope this goes well for him. He hasn't had the best of luck with guys or girls really in the past. Just a lot of hookups, which I guess works for him, whatever floats his boat. Im glad he's met someone though. But so I picked up his shift on Sunday, gone to the Band Competition back in my hometown because two of my friends were helping set up for their high school band who were preforming at my high school. So I got to go around see a bunch of my old friends again which was so nice. Ive missed seeing all them in high school and that. After the band perfomance we had a work meeting that night at the bowling alley downtown, then I left and went back up to Columbus to see J. He had really been wanting to see me, and I had missed him a bit. 

So I got up there about 9, we got in bed and played on our laptops until about 3am. We had talked the week before to go to the botanical gardens the next day, possibly head out to Easton and go to one of his coworkers house for a cookout. Well none of that happened because I didn't sleep well that night so I woke up about noon but I didn't want to wake him up yet because I wanted to let him sleep. Plus whenever I say with a friend or anyone and I wake up first I feel terrible because I feel bad waking the other person up. What if they’re not ready to wake up? What if they didn’t sleep well either? What if they are a heavy sleeper and don’t wake up? Will they be grumpy when I wake them up? Will they actually be awake when I wake them up or will it take then another half hour to actually get out of bed? But so I didn't end up waking J up until about 3pm which of course he didn't like because we didn't end up having time to do anything. We had gotten a shower together, gone out to town because he was hungry and also wanted to return this game he had gotten. Well we get out to town, he began to get annoyed because he couldn't make up his mind one which game to trade it in for then didn’t know where he wanted to eat. I felt back because he was getting so annoyed at himself and it was my fault because I should've waken him up earlier so we had time to do stuff. Because also that day I had to go down to Athens at 7 because I was signing a least for a house with C, and another one of my friends we’ll call Jo. So J took us back to his apartment I grabbed my stuff and left for Athens, signed the lease, came back up to Columbus, went to the cookout with J, met some of his coworkers, they were fun. I felt a little out of place because of how young I was. Everyone else was over 21 and some were married couples with kids. It was still a good time, I had a few jello shots which I was a little disappointed they didn't get me anywhere even buzzed. But we had left about 2 hours in, got home about midnight and I watched J play Fallout 4 until about 2am, we had drank a little back at his place too but I still didn't even get tipsy. When I drink I drink to get drunk, because when Im drunk the most that happens is I get a little off balanced. I can still talk and think straight its just my center of gravity is a bit off and it makes things fun to me. But so we had gone to bed then. I got up today about 9am, we took a shower and I left and went straight to work.

So much has happened this past weekend, so many good things as well. Nothing ever usually goes this well for me. Me and C felt the same way and were joking that something is just gonna come crashing down on us, because life has never been so nice, me him and Jo are all talking to someone, we got a house, I paid off college. Everything is just going to smoothly. Part of me like I said is waiting, something is going to happen I'm afraid. Something bad but I don’t know what or when. But part of me is also thinking you know what if this is it? Have I finally got my life on track? After years of struggle and trial have I got things going the right way? But what do I do about J? I still have this feeling with him. Am I just enjoying the romantic attention and dealing with his aggressiveness for the sake of the romantic attention? Could I do better? Am I just holding onto him until I make it down to Athens? I just still have so many doubts about things

[somalang]

5, 7, 9, 10 (hope you feel better)

5: What are you looking forward to in the next week?

a few things i would say. i want to be on track with my biology since i missed 2 topics being taught at the end of last year so i’m looking forward to finishing my notes. i want to be able to drive some time this week since I want to get as much practice outside of my lessons so i can pass soon. I also want to organise how to celebrate my 18th since it’s in 3 weeks today so i’m looking forward to getting some plans started.

7: How late did you stay up last night?

2am and i woke up at 6. i was awake from 5am the previous night too.

9: What were you doing at 12:30 this afternoon?

trying to find a job i can apply to online. there’s literally none in my town(((:

10: Have you ever told somebody you loved them and not actually meant it?

ive told guys and girls that i love them in a friendship way? but i’ve never been in that kind of situation where somebody liked me so no not really. i have a really dull life honestly. i hope i answered this right idkkkk.

thank youu btw ❣️