#so then i make myself do things and that doesn't help

[reignpage]

ʚɞ In which you partake in wing play with raven hybrid!Choso

“Please be gentle,” he says. 

Truthfully, Choso isn’t in any place to make requests; he had come home after a long day of sparring and had done so with an injury. There, on his back, sits a gash on his lower back. It’s shallow and will heal in no time, you’re sure, but he made a promise he did not keep. You have half a mind to prod just a little too hard and make him regret it. 

Leaning against the wall on his palms, he stands, torso bare, presenting his back to you – the only way for you to comfortably reach his wound. For a long time now, it’s been your duty to patch up the half-man, half-bird. There’s a routine: you use cotton swabs, dripping with alcohol, to swipe along the wound, he winces or hisses, you tell him to grow up, and he pouts as you cover the wound with a gauze. 

“Oh, Choso,” you begin, sighing as you finish cleaning up, “why do you keep making me worry?”

A little sheepishly, he replies, “I don’t mean to. I’m sorry.”

His back is littered with scars, faint and pale, blemishing his strong torso. Years of training has left the muscles all over his body hard and prominent. Strength runs through every limb of his, including the large wings that sprout from his spine. They’re thick, pitch black in colour, and oddly soft. Carrying him, and occasionally yourself when he’s feeling playful, high up in the sky, the marvellous things defy nature. But they aren’t what makes him special. 

Often, you ask yourself how someone so strong, so powerful, and deadly could hold you gently, tenderly, and like you’re the most fragile thing in the world. Perhaps he ought to be punished for not granting his body the same care he worships yours with every waking moment. 

Satisfied you’ve done what you can with his gash, you let your nails faintly trail down his spine, avoiding the gauze and the painful consequence of his carelessness. He shudders.

“Does it hurt, Cho?”

Voice husky, he stutters out, “Yes– I-I mean, n-no. No, it doesn’t.”

“Good. You’ll tell me if I hurt you, yes?”

The shaggy onyx hair of his rustles with the nod of his head. You press a kiss to his spine, inhaling his musky scent. Choso gulps. It’s no secret the skin between and around his wings are one of the most sensitive parts of his body, save for the obvious. And this is a fact you rarely ever hesitate to exploit. 

In seconds, and in tandem with the tight fisting of your hand around his cock, you can get him to cum just by sucking a mark right where skin shifts to feathers, where man meets an animalistic instinct he never fully shook off. 

Choso’s breathing heavily now, wholly aware of the wet trail of kisses you’re leaving on his back. You wonder if he’s aching in his trousers, if the fabric is stretched tight along the bulge, and if he’s resisting the urge to touch himself because he knows he needs permission. 

"I thought you were mad."

You nip him. He moans. "I was. I am. But I also can't help myself. Problem?"

He shakes his head.

Breath fanning against the baby feathers, you let the vibrations of your voice pierce him, knowing he can cum just from hearing you. “Did you at least think of me when you got hurt? Did you think about how disappointed I’d be? How upset?”

“Y-yes. Always thinking of -hah- you. Always,” he chokes out, back arching to simultaneously lean into your touch and to cower from the pleasure he never believes he deserves. Sweet thing, you think. Smiling into his skin, you comb your fingers through his wings, very lightly grazing the thin, sinewy membrane under all those attentive feathers, reading every shift in the air. The wings flex, rustling. Choso gasps. “More! Mmm, f-fuck.”

He’s flattened out against the cold wall now, chips of paint hiding under his nails. The weight of your body pins him and he has no escape, nowhere to run to, none to help him.

Desperate moans reach your ears; he's begging for what, he doesn't know. Choso probably yearns to hold you, to taste you, to feel your warmth wrapped around him.

But he knows he's underserving. He had failed you.

The drool on his chin and the wall reminds him of that.

Your hips press to his and you feel every grind of his lower body, searching for release all while you’re licking, sucking, and near damn shlurrrping! the part of his back where his feathers begin to grow.

Tutting, you chastise him. “Are you humping the wall, Cho? And here, I thought you were a sweet raven hybrid, not a filthy mutt.”

“Sorry. I’m sorr–ah FUCK! Hah hah t-teeth. Not your -NGH!- teeth, please!” Familiar whimpers escape his lips, swollen from biting down the embarrassing sounds he’s leaking. They almost double when a mischievous hand of yours ventures to his front, palming his throbbing length. A wet patch, warm and sticky, meets your palm and your thumb rubs at the concealed head of his cock, pulsing and pleading.

SWOOSH!

Fully flexed, the span of his wings fill up the room, towering over you. If you were anyone else, if you were a lesser woman, you would have felt intimidated, scared to death, by the sheer might they project. But, perverted as you are, you’re only egged on, motivated to scrape your teeth harder down his spine. 

“Stop, I -hngh!- can’t. No m-more. Please. I can’t -fuck fuck fuck- I can't -hah- take a-anymore.”

Sure, you reply, “Yes, you can. You will. For me….for me, Choso. Please...my sweet, little hatchling?”

“Yes,” he gasps, defences crumbling with the weakest of pushes. “For you. Any -hah fuck!- a-anything.”

The poor man has forgotten all about his wound, conflating the pain emanating from the traumatised area with the maddening pleasure he’s feeling all over his body. And when he shudders and shivers, whorishly moaning your name, searing cum explodes in his trousers, soaking the material and leaking onto your hand. 

He's clawing the walls, running from the almost painful squeezes of his cock you're punishing him with.

"Fuck...fuck..." He whispers, still shuddering.

It feels like hours pass before he finally returns to his body.

Each individual feather flutters, thanking you, before they quiet into place, wings folding back into polite things. 

“Hey, Choso?” 

Lids heavy, eyes teary, he turns to meet your vixen-like gaze. Locks of his hair have fallen onto his face, sticking to his forehead with the sweat. His lips are swollen and glossy, looking far too tempting. Still, despite the exhaustion wracking his beaten down body, he finds it in him to smile, albeit shakily, down at you. 

“Wanna fuck in the sky again?”

Choso falls to his knees.

[battymoonflower7]

ID: A social media thread about neurodivergent hacks.

Photograph of a person with their hand over their eyes. Caption reads "Please give me your most unhinged neurodivergent hacks. I don't mean 'set multiple alarms on your phone!' I mean something you did that was truly unhinged but you don't regret it at all."

Anika: "my brother threw away all his socks and bought 3 10-packs of simple black socks. now he doesn't have to sort and fold them, he just throws them in a drawer and any two socks he picks will match"

JamestownMuse: "Roleplay. I'm not doing dishes, I'm cleaning my tavern before meeting the dangerous but handsome highwayman."

charlotte: " 'Big Light Torture' leave all the big lights on until the tasks are finished"

Niche: "it is to set multiple alarms but unhinged twist: they're different songs for every hour so I know that time is passing. has REALLY helped my time blindness"

[username cropped]: "when im frozen in bed doom scrolling I chuck my phone as hard I can across the room. either I get up to grab it (undoes the paralysis) or I continue rotting (but without my phone, so healthier"

Loke22: "I hate doing skincare but I know I have to so I imagine I'm some undead creature like a zombie and I have to keep embalming myself to stay fresh"

[username cropped]: "I can expand on this but I used to get upset if things weren't how I planned. So in all my plans, I just plan for things to not go as plan and then when they don't, it was part of the plan."

MnM_Kitty: "Cleaning buddy. I have a plush duck named George I set in the room I need to clean. I cannot leave until George is pleased with the cleanliness. He is watching"

Anonymous: "Realize that neurotypicals depend on social lies and find them fully acceptable, so you can create your own internal structure for what counts as harmless lies that make your life easier." End ID.

[jbbuckybarnes]

Drivers React...

...to someone overstepping a line with you

Drivers: LN4, OP81, CS55, AA23, GR63, KA12, CL16, OB87, FC43, MV33/MV1

warnings: swearing, harassment, violence, blood, assault

a/n: some of these are quite hot if I do say so myself, reader is either gn or fem as always. oh to imagine men actually standing up for women (sobs in social worker in the field of violence against women)...

LN4:

Sees someone put something in your drink, doesn't even think a millisecond before grabbing the glass, emptying it into the guys face and grabbing two fistfuls of his shirt pushing him against the next wall, "You fucking cunt will stay right here." Makes someone call the cops and makes sure that man is brought to court for that. After the fact he'd 100% pay for the ruined drink and make sure you get home safe. Doesn't matter if that means you don't trust him and he needs to call a girlfriend of his to get you home safe.

OP81:

He's just sitting there, people-watching, as you do McLaren media work by filming general impressions of the Thursday. He watches a man walk up to you, your body language change and the man's body language becoming uncomfortable even for him. He walks over determined, watches the man try to grab you with fear on your face, before he pushes himself between you two. "If you don't piss off right now." – "Then what?" The man pushes him back and against you, but Osc doesn't lose his balance, instead you hear an uncomfortable sound and a sharp inhale. You peek past Oscar's shoulder in front of you, the mans nose was bloody and he backed off a bit while some workers from Mercedes were coming over to help step in, "And I'll make sure you'll never see a race track again, dumb cunt." He'll quickly led the helpers know to ID him and ban him for assault before turning to you and asking if you're alright in the most non-Oscar level of softness. He'd even help you get the rest of your work done.

CS55:

Fully curses the person out in Spanish like an entire lineage of hispanic moms possessed him the moment they touch you, like with angry Doberman level snarl to it. The only thing holding him back from decking the guy is the fact he's already backing up. He's bringing you home and only leaves after you're inside and he hears the door lock. Checks in with you the next morning as well. Is on edge for the next three days.

AA23:

Hears someone call you a slur and goes the most silently serious you've ever seen him. He pushes himself in front of you with the most calm angry eyes and his arms crossed. "Back off my girlfriend!" – "Oh wow, I'm so scared now." – "Back. Off." He'd stare the man down until he turned away with a disgusting chuckle. "You okay?" He'd gently grab your upper arms leaning forward. You two would be out of there so fast. "Your girlfriend, huh?" – "You know these idiots only respect women when attached to a man." You knew that but you still leaned against his shoulder in the back of the taxi regardless.

GR63:

Would tower over a man so quickly if he doesn't stop with the advances towards you after you politely decline. "They said no thank you, take the hint, mate." When the guy starts arguing he makes himself clearer, "Listen, if you don't leave them alone you're gonna have bigger problems than just me." He'll make the guy back off by walking into his space so the creep would have to walk backwards. Would make sure his personal trainer was around you the rest of that race weekend in case the creep came back.

KA12:

You've ever seen an overprotective Chihuahua? Yeah. Don't make Italian men angry. They're small but they will both yell and get physical really quick. The moment he sees a man get too far into your space, making you take steps backwards before grabbing your neck, he springs into action. Kimi would start a fucking pub brawl over it if he had to. That guy only knows calm or full chaos.

CL16:

Will see a man be too weird with you and see your body language change. Will hover more closely to listen in. Hears the disgusting things you're being told. The moment the guy is touching the side of your neck and starting to dip his head down there might or might not be a sharp punch to the side of his face making him lose balance. "Hands off my partner!" Half the crowd would look at that scene, see Charles check if you were alright and make new partner the talking point instead of the creep scurrying off. "Sorry." He makes a bit of a cringing face realizing what he has just done. Both the making a scene part and the announcement of partnership that was a protective lie. You thank him profusely and ask him to bring you home.

OB87:

He'd watch some dickhead get a little too angry and close to you during a football game a bunch of people just randomly came together for during the heatwave in the city park. He'd get up, grab a football, aim and just ace the shot at the dudes head who falls over. He walks up next to you, looking down at the dude while sipping from his waterbottle, "I can make it proper brain injury if I see you act like that with anyone again." Most innocent looking neutral face, stays next to you till the dude has walked out of sight. Looks at you and just goes "You handled that well." Nonchalant protective king.

FC43:

Would commit a crime for you honestly? Like would legit deck someone for groping you and beat them up to need a LOT of stitches and three weeks of bedrest. He'd profusely apologize to you after too because even he himself didn't know he could be that angry. He could be glad everyone around was willing to claim to police that the dude had messed with him first and he defended for two.

MV1:

This man has the willpower to control his anger. He is a dad after all. But seeing a man get handsy with you at a celebration and seeing your face in correlation to that was all he needed as context to grab that man off you and essentially throw him the opposite direction. "She's clearly not into it man, fuck off!" Is willing to get into an altercation because he'd do the same for his daughters, mates and sisters. What's a black eye compared to sexual violence? Nothing. He'd proudly present that to his kids to teach them what good men do to protect others from bad men.

Interact with fanfic writers, even if it's a cute tag, that's how you keep people motivated to keep writing.

Masterlist linked in bio <3

[hellinistical]

9:25

a/n: ...hey....hey. I saw the chef mydei art. so uh...obviously. anywho, ty again @box-artist for your art. (i really dont wanna risk spamming so i'm sorry but yeah i'll be writing more for all of them cause your art makes me happy. check out their art here!

You’re a broke college student who stumbles into a quiet little restaurant on accident—rain-soaked, exhausted, and starving after a brutal midterm. You ask if the kitchen’s still open even though it’s clearly closing time.

Chef! Mydei doesn't trust people who come in right before closing. But seeing you soaked in rain and clutching your backpack like it holds your whole life, he makes an exception.

Mydei's behind the counter, arms crossed, looking like he’s about to say no. But then he sighs, glances at your wet shoes, and mutters, “Sit down. I’ll make you something warm.”

He makes you a steaming bowl of something you can’t even pronounce, but it makes you cry a little when you eat it. Not from spice. From comfort.

When you ask what it’s called, he just shrugs. “It’s not on the menu. I made it for myself.”

He pretends you’re annoying. You pretend the food isn’t life-changing. You both fail.

You come back the next week, and this time he doesn’t complain when you walk in ten minutes to close. In fact, he’s already halfway through chopping something before you sit.

It becomes a thing. You bring your homework. He pretends he’s annoyed that you camp out in his restaurant. “It’s not a library, you know.”

But you notice he’s started leaving the good seat by the kitchen open for you. The one with the best lighting and a plug for your laptop.

He sometimes comments on your assignments, offering lazy commentary while chopping vegetables: "That sentence is boring. rewrite it. Say it with your chest."

He’s gruff, dry-humored, with sleeves always rolled up and salt dusting his apron. His forearms are veined, and his laugh is rare but rich.

You find out he’s a few years older—maybe early thirties, maybe not. Used to cook abroad. Says very little about his past. Of course you get a crush. Because of course you do.

You start staying later. Helping him wipe tables. Stir a sauce. Once, you laugh at something dumb and he stops what he’s doing to watch you. You pretend not to notice.

Every time you eat something he made, you find yourself smiling halfway through the bite. It’s a reflex now.

You start watching cooking tutorials so you can talk to him about culinary stuff. He sees through you, but lets it slide.

He acts the same, but starts sending staff home earlier when he knows you’re coming. Just in case. You get sick during midterms and stop showing up. On the third day, he shows up at your dorm with a thermos of broth and a quiet “Don’t make me do that again.” He calls you “kid” sometimes. Then stops when he realizes it sounds too distancing. Starts using your name. Carefully.

One of his regulars asks if you’re his girlfriend. He scoffs, but his ears turn a deep, telltale red.

One night, you’re especially stressed. He doesn’t ask. Just slides you a plate of dumplings and tells you to chew slowly, “or I’m not feeding you again.” You try to pay one day and he waves you off with a flick of his wrist. “Your company’s enough.” Then immediately pretends he didn’t say it.

He starts letting you behind the counter sometimes. Teaches you how to properly slice an onion. Corrects your grip with a warm hand over yours. Other staff start teasing you behind Mydei's back. One girl, Cipher, giggles. “You’re the reason he closes early now.”

He starts experimenting with dessert—something he “hates doing”—and always brings the first try to your table with a gruff, “Tell me if it’s crap.”

You once offer to help him prep and he moves behind you to show you how to chop properly. His chest brushes your back and neither of you breathe for a second. He starts saving you the first slice of whatever he bakes. If anyone else touches it, he threatens them with a ladle. He asks what your favorite dish growing up was. The next week, it shows up on your plate—somehow better than your memory. He doesn’t say you’re special. But he treats your presence like it’s routine. Like it belongs there.

You ask him what his favorite scent is. He answers without thinking: “The rain.”

You ask him what his favorite scent is. He answers without thinking: “You, when you’ve been out in the rain.”

One day, someone flirts with you while you're waiting on your food. You laugh nervously—until Mydei's voice cuts in flat and firm: “They're with me.” He doesn’t look at you after he says it. Just tosses a towel over his shoulder and returns to the stove like nothing happened. But his ears? Red again.

It happens during a quiet night. You're helping him clean up, your fingers brushing over his. He catches your hand. “I was going to wait,” he mutters, eyes flicking to yours. "I didn't mean to embarrass you."

"Mydei, you didn't embarrass me."

His eyes go wide but he looks away fast. When you kiss his cheek, he insists he’s “too old” for you. You kiss him again anyways- in the back kitchen, surrounded by spice jars and the low hum of the freezer. His hands taste like sea salt. Yours tremble in his hair.

Every dish he makes after becomes a secret love letter—layered, rich, and just a little too personal. Mydei won’t say “I love you” often. But he’ll spend five hours braising something just because you mentioned liking it once.

[hanjicakes]

nerdbf!bangchan mueheeheheh

⊹ ࣪ ˖ peach gelato

synopsis .ᐟ - nerdbf!chan headcannons

content info .ᐟ - nerdbf!chan x gender neutral!reader, no real warnings just soft chan hours

word count .ᐟ - 1.3k words

author ' s note .ᐟ - my first ask omgg i was lowkey stoked when i saw it and i have been having chan brainrot ever since the concert so this was nice... i did try to make sure each one was roughly around the same word count but some do look a bit longer

my mastrlist ૮₍›ᆺ ‹ ₎ა

nerdbf!bang chan who always wears oversized sweaters and hoodies not only because they are particularly convenient but because that means you can wear them too . . . 

“Why'd you buy that one?” You ask quietly. Your gaze shifts between the game on your mobile phone and Chan, who stands in the middle of your dorm in a freshly washed sweater. The knit material is covered in small kittens, paw prints, and tiny fishes.

“I thought it was cute.” He says while spinning around to show him the back. While you agreed with him— it was a rather cute shirt— it just wasn't his style. And plus, he wasn’t the biggest fan of cats. A faint sigh leaves your lips as you power off your phone and turn to him. “They didn't have a dog one?”

“I don't hate cats, y'know…” He grumbles, moving towards the couch and slumping down onto the cushions. “But, I know you like them and I'm… Okay with them. So, I bought it for both of us.”

‿︵‿︵‿︵

nerdbf!bang chan who attempts to take off his glasses when on dates with you, but hates the feeling of contacts so he's practically blind the whole evening . . .

The slow jazz music playing from the diner's speakers fill in the silence of the restaurant. It was pretty empty at this time of night, which was part of the reason you chose to meet your boyfriend here.

You sit in a booth tucked away in the back of the restaurant. The bright fluorescent lights hang over your meal— two burgers, a side of fries, onion rings, and a milkshake to share. You watch as Chan fumbles with the paper wrapper around his straw, unable to rip it open.

Quietly taking the straw from him, you tear it open with ease and set it inside the drink.

“This wouldn’t be an issue if you kept your glasses on, y'know.” You point out with a teasing smile. “I don't care that you can't see.”

Chan rolls his eyes and lets out a terribly fake laugh. “Very funny… I’m just trying my best for you.”

“You try hard enough, you idiot.”

‿︵‿︵‿︵

nerdbf!bang chan who constantly offers to do your schoolwork for you and even when you refuse, he offers to proof read and fact check your essays . . .

“Just let me—”

“Bahng Christopher Chan, I already told you I can do my biology paper myself.”

“But, you aren't good at biology—”

“I know that!” You retort, pulling the textbook out of his hands one final time. He lets out an exaggerated whine and slumps down onto his bed. His lips curl into a pout and your heart aches. Something about the defeated look in his eyes makes you want to give in, but you know you can’t. You won’t realistically pass this class if he continues doing your work for you.

You sigh, sliding on top of the bed beside him. You run your hands through his tousled curls. “Well, you can maybe help me by finding some diagrams…” You mutter in an attempt to negotiate with him. You know he only had good intentions and only wanted to help you. Chan practically jumps up at the sound of your voice and wraps you in a tight bear hug.

“Yeah, I can do that, baby.”

‿︵‿︵‿︵

nerdbf!bang chan who will show up to your job and patiently wait for you because he doesn't want to get in your way (and honestly enjoys admiring you from afar) . . .

Tucked away in a far off booth, Chan busied himself by highlighting all the things in his term paper that needed revising. In all honesty, the paper was fine. He was just being nit picky and trying to waste time without seeming awkward. It was still early in the afternoon and the store was still relatively busy.

He would still always glance up at the sound of footsteps moving past him. His lips curled into the cheekiest smile whenever he saw you rushing past, trying to balance a series of elaborate milkshakes and sodas in your hands. He wouldn’t bother you. He was more than content just watching you get your work done for the day. He could see the beauty in you even while you did the most mundane tasks.

‿︵‿︵‿︵

nerdbf!bang chan who has gotten straight A's his entire life but gets more satisfaction out of spending time with you . . .

The loud sound of your giggles filled the apartment as you practically threw yourself on the couch. In your hands was your cellphone. Your professor had just uploaded the scores for your latest exam and you had managed to score a 92%— a rare win for you.

You couldn’t wait to share the score with your boyfriend. You immediately hand him your device and he is understandably confused at first. His brows furrow as he processes the information being given to him. “Oh, this is good, baby.”

“I know, right! I couldn’t believe it, I mean I thought I completely bombed it.” You ramble on, too lost in your excitement for your first A of the semester. Chan simply smiles at you, the familiar dimple forming in his cheek. To be honest, he had scored rather low for his standards. It wasn’t his proudest moment, but he was more than happy to let you have your fun. Just seeing how your eyes lit up at the score and your sudden determination to keep scoring high was enough to keep him happy.

‿︵‿︵‿︵

nerdbf!bang chan who will follow you around house parties like a lost puppy because even though it isn't his usual scene, he is happy you want to show him off and wants to make you happy . . .

“Channie, let go of my arm.” You murmur but your voice is lost among the noise of the house music. You gently brush away his hand, which was unintentionally gripping your arm. Chan frowns and reaches back out for your hand. The rubbery feeling of his latex gloves wrapped around your wrist.

“You know I don’t know anyone here…” He says. The surgical mask on his face muffles his voice slightly. A faint sigh escapes you. You told him time and time again that he could stay home. Parties weren’t the usual place where he would be comfortable in, especially not while in stiff Halloween costumes. Still, you turn towards him.

“Okay, fine… Let’s find my friends and then get some drinks for you, you big baby.”

‿︵‿︵‿︵

nerdbf!bang chan who will always pick up a carton of your favorite ice cream before meeting you for a late night study session . . .

Chan gently tugs a blanket over both of your shoulders while you rest against his side. Tucked in your lap was a half-eaten carton peach flavored gelato. Two metal spoons rest in the container as you let your eyelids close. Chan takes the time to brush a strand of your hair back behind your ear. He always offered to help you with your academics, it just seemed like the obvious thing to do.

An assortment of textbooks, old practice sheets, and scribbled out notebooks had been pushed to the edge of the bed so you could lie down and rest comfortably. It was clear that the amount of ice cream you consumed (plus all the work you did) had knocked you at. He didn’t want to disturb your rest so he stayed quiet, pulled the warm blanket over you some more, and continued to finish the rest of your ice cream before it could melt on the both of you. Once finished, he rests the empty cart on the nightstand and flickers off the lamp’s light. Chan leans down and gently presses his lips against yours, the faint sweetness of peaches still there.

[glenthemes]

Ten years ago today on July 16th 2015, I created glenthemes. Just to be clear: I'm NOT saying goodbye. You're all stuck in here with me. This is a look-back on my journey, the good, the bad, the ugly, and how I ended up where I am now. This short journal is mostly written in chronological order; if you'd like to skip to the parts you're interested in, here's the overview in which the the titles sound suspiciously like episode names:

humble beginnings

how I learned to code

glenthemes was problematic 💅

glenthemes logo

paid themes & pages

landing internships

Discord community

powerpoint guides

college & hackathon

featured on Tumblr's "Getting Started" page

tumblr changes / mobile & NPF era

design style & branding

“the friends we made along the way”

what's next?

10 years of glenthemes.

◍ humble beginnings:

During my early teens, I had a habit of changing my theme every other week (sometimes it would be every other day.) Back then, it was a way of showing my appreciation for my favorite fictional characters; every sidebar image or corner image would be a low res GIF or a poorly cut out mangacap, and that meant the world to me. It was a form of creative outlet during my troublesome high school years. My greatest coding achievement at the time was adding a sepia filter over my posts, but I was sold. I wanted to do more, make more. Some of the theme makers that inspired me to start exploring theme making and coding in general are:

@⁠7th-district

@⁠a--themes/@⁠dianthus-s

@⁠altairisthemes

@⁠cocorini (deactivated)

@magnusthemes

@octomoosey

@pohroro

@⁠redfox-themes

@⁠viwan-th

@yukoki (now @⁠xuethms)

@⁠zeldathemes (now @rachaelthemes)

The first base code (Tumblr theme code starter template) I used and continued using for a few years was by @⁠mrsthemes. Tumblr's theme documentation was confusing and daunting to me at the time, so having a base code provided by others to work from was a major blessing.

(If you're looking for a more up-to-date base code though, I recommend ones from @eggdesign; she's put helpful comments throughout the code! Check [this one here], or [this one] for NPF posts compatibility as well).

◍ how I learned to code:

This is by far the most popular question I get, I'm only touching on it briefly in this post; I have a #learning tag with linked resources if you're interested!

In my opinion, there isn't a "right way" of learning anything, and coding is no exception. While many learn from courses on CodeAcademy, others (like myself) learn from more hands-on projects and via experimentation. As mentioned earlier, I used a base code template; I tried rearranging things, breaking things, building things (you can learn a lot from breaking things, especially in coding) to see what happens. Another underrated resource is CodePen – a coding playground where developers share their mini projects with the full code available for you to study and edit (just remember to credit/link back to the pen link if you end up using it in your projects!).

As an avid gamer, I enjoy challenges and gamified learning experiences, so to further my studies into full-stack development (Node, React, DevOps), I looked to Zenva (they also have courses on how to develop games if you're interested!).

◍ glenthemes was problematic 💅:

I had...issues for the first few years:

Those of you who've been around for a long time may remember that I used to be rude when replying to asks or requests. Even if I was going through a rough period of my life, it doesn't justify the attitude that I had (to users and fellow theme makers alike), and for that I sincerely apologize. I like to believe I'm a better person now; no one is perfect but it doesn't hurt to get a little closer.

I used the smallest fucking fonts for my themes. This issue is arguably way less severe than the one I just mentioned, but there's actually a ✨ good excuse ✨ for that. I used a hand-me-down laptop to make my themes and the resolution was tiny. The text, from my screen, didn't look small; that is, until I finally got a new laptop and realized just how ant-sized everything was. (This was one of the reasons I decided to revamp my older themes).

◍ glenthemes logo:

In 2018, I commissioned my high school art classmate Julie (you can find her on Instagram at julieoolie_!) to make my logo. We went through a variety of different styles ranging from my blog initials ("GT") in a brush font to firmer, geometric shapes. In the end, I settled on the logo I've been using ever since: a 3D cube with its front-facing sides taking the shape of "G" and "T". I wanted to go with this subtle design quirk that makes you go "OH, that's what it is!" after taking a closer look at it. A box/cube with open corners is also a loose metaphor for my style – recognizable and familiar at first glance, yet willing to peek and venture "outside the box/norm" a little. Whether I've actually ventured outside the norm or not is up to interpretation, but I like to (perhaps foolishly) believe that after these years, my themes are at least a little recognizable and have their distinct feel/branding – not too minimal, but too over-the-top either.

◍ paid themes & pages:

In 2018, I released my first paid theme & page. I wasn't expecting much and was nervous – I'd never sold anything online prior to this. Although I started my shop on Gumroad, I transitioned over to Ko-Fi in 2022 as Gumroad's tax on transactions became ridiculous. As a creator that mainly provides free content, publishing paid content can be daunting. While I know that I should charge fairly for the work that I do and the time I've put in, sometimes I still feel guilty for setting a higher price than "expected". So I was pleasantly surprised to see that folks took a liking to my "Ignorance" and "Bliss" pack.

I'm a firm believer in "try before you buy", so I always put up free previews and guides for folks to look through before they make their purchase. Guides take a long time to make, but rest assured that I'll always keep them free. You have the right to know what you're getting into; the more complex a theme is, the more uncertainty there is. And even though I provide free support for any type of content that I do, if I was a customer, I'd feel more at ease if I had a handbook from the start.

It wasn't until this year (2025) that I actually...made my premium code packs available to be purchased as packs. Before this, all themes and pages in each pack were available for purchase separately. It sounds super silly now that I type it out, but hey – you can get each pack for 15% off now!

At the end of the day, it doesn't matter if a theme of mine is free or premium; my support / maintenance for them is the same. Premium themes don't get special treatment just because they're paid. If Tumblr comes out with an update that breaks a part of a custom theme, that will apply to all my themes. So there's only 1 goal and that's to keep everything up to date.

◍ landing internships:

I was grateful to have landed several internships despite not having any formal education in web development. The first was at a fashion boutique, where I was in charge of setting up their new online shop (from inventory management to the eshop's website). The second internship was at a software development company where I learned from and worked alongside full-stack devs, back-end devs, and design and marketing teams for the first time. It was an invaluable, eye-opening experience as it made me realize just how much I had yet to learn (more on that later).

◍ Discord community:

As time went on and more theme questions were sent in, I came to realize that a single "ask and answer" exchange is generally not enough to answer the question properly. So in March of 2019, I created a Discord server so users could join and ask questions in the chat. At some point, Tumblr removed support for code formatting in Tumblr posts and answered asks, which ultimately meant that any piece of code meant to be copied would turn into regular text and lose its syntax, and straight quotation marks (used in coding) would turn into curly ones. Since then, the server has guidelines on how to ask questions, gotten a server mod (hi Keith if you're reading this 🫵), has dedicated channels for art and content sharing, and amassed 1,000 members (a small and quiet Discord community, but a cozy home I've built nonetheless).

◍ powerpoint guides:

If there's anything that I want to be known for, it's this one right here. Guides. Manuals. "README"s. Whatever you want to call it. It's a notoriously detested activity amongst the coding community considering most of us are (jokingly) illiterate, but I love writing documentation. While my main motivation is to help users easily install and customize complex themes, another vital part of it is poor memory. Too many times has someone asked a question about a theme of mine that I barely remember making (10 years of coding and bad habits does that to you), so writing a guide helps pinpoint where I'd start looking. It's also helpful because I can just "tap the sign" and point users to which powerpoint slide in the guide they should refer to (...if I've covered that feature).

◍ college & hackathon:

As my earlier internships introduced me to how much more I could learn, I decided to pursue a formal education in web development. I was ecstatic to have achieved a distinction and went on to participate in my first hackathon. For those unfamiliar: a hackathon is where you (or a group of developers and/or designers) work on a program/coding project for a fixed amount of time, typically 24 hours. This particular hackathon was 9 hours. Many pizzas and energy drinks later, we presented WheelScout, a live accessibility reporting site that helps mobility aid users plan their journey in advance, and we were awarded 1st place. Since then, I've been working on making my themes and overall content more accessible, from best semantic practices to adding improved alt text.

◍ featured on Tumblr's "Getting Started" page:

In May of 2022, I noticed by sheer chance that I was mentioned as a recommended third-party theme maker on Tumblr's "Getting Started" page:

(The wording in this paragraph has since been updated by staff). One thing I'd like to clarify is that a "third-party theme" refers to any Tumblr theme that isn't on Tumblr's Theme Garden. I have many reasons for not publishing my themes through Theme Garden; most of it is due to the fact that I tend to push out updates/fixes and like to see them applied asap, but doing so through Theme Garden could take up to a month, as a member of staff needs to manually approve it. Regardless, being mentioned was an absolute honor, and I've been working to keep my themes up to date with all of Tumblr's changes (and will continue doing so).

◍ tumblr changes / mobile & NPF era:

This section's long, folks. Remember to take a stretch / hydrate / bathroom break if you've been reading since the start.

Tumblr has been gradually switching over to prioritize updates for mobile/app users for a few years now. Whilst the exact starting point is up for debate, Tumblr isn't the only one – most, if not all social media platforms have switched over to a mobile-first experience.

A while back, a poll titled "how do you use tumblr?" circulated:

So it's not just Tumblr staff prioritizing mobile features & updates – it's also in response to a growing number of mobile users. A lot of it attributes to the fact that many of us on Tumblr are in our twenties and early thirties – we just don't have the time to sit at our computer and scroll through our feed like we used to. So the next best quick and convenient thing? Mobile app. But it's not just convenience –

Here it comes – the rant.

Posts look normal on mobile. They look as intended. They're not squished. If there are multiple images in a row, they aren't stretched, pixelated or blurry (most of them, anyway). And the reason? NPF posts (posts made with the "new" editor which now applies to all users) look like shit on desktop themes unless you're using Tumblr's default theme or a theme tailored to accommodate NPF posts. And before anyone says anything akin to "well, just learn to adapt and make NPF posts look good 🤓☝️", it may be easy for some, but not for those who are accustomed to the legacy Tumblr documentation that was based on "blocks" system which allowed for a theme to be made with plain HTML & CSS. Now, all posts are considered "text" posts despite supporting various types of media (which is great! but that isn't the problem here) and theme makers have the following options:

Use {⁠block:Text⁠} (which is part of the legacy Tumblr documentation, but that includes every post made with the new post editor regardless of what type of contents there are), which is still HTML & CSS, and style things from there (this method is the most common from what I've gathered).

Use {⁠NPF⁠} which is also a Tumblr variable (albeit a newer one), which returns a string of the post's content and details in JSON format. This can then be dissected and extracted into displaying the post contents like they do on the dashboard. However, JavaScript knowledge is a must, and is completely different from how Tumblr themes used to be made.

Use Tumblr's API (v1) to retrieve posts (similar to how {⁠NPF⁠} is retrieved) and add them to the theme. Again, this relies on JavaScript as well.

So whilst NPF is not "bad" per se, a different (and arguably more advanced) skill set is needed, and acquiring these skills takes time; usually not enough for the coder of your theme (who isn't constantly on Tumblr and has more important IRL commitments) to update it to be NPF compatible by the time you've noticed your posts look off on your blog. Which is partially why I wrote a NPF fix (first released in 2020 but I've rewritten it so many times that we're on version 4 now) that can be applied to any theme (not just for theme makers, but for users too) in attempt to make NPF posts (images in particular) look tidier. But all things considered, the fix is flawed and is in no way a one-size-fits-all solution. Nowadays, most of the help requests I get are to do with my NPF fix applied on someone else's theme (which is fine, that was the intention!) since the HTML markup of posts is different depending on how the theme maker coded it.

Whilst I can't speak on behalf of every user who has chosen to turn off their custom theme at some point, in my opinion (and speculation) a lot of it is because of how unstyled NPF posts look on their blog theme. Although staff has had NPF in the works since as early as 2018, very little support or clarification for the actual changes were reflected on the Tumblr docs. Even certain legacy posts (which should have nothing to do with the NPF changes) were affected:

A legacy quote, at the time of posting or reblogging with the legacy editor, would show up as intended on your blog theme, but reblogging it with the new post editor not only destroys the quote formatting, but it restructures the HTML markup as well. Forget the "quote text" and "quote source", now it's just a plain blockquote (which is synonymously used when a user reblogs a post and adds a comment to it) and a paragraph tag. Its post type also changes from "quote" to "text".

A legacy chat post, at the time of posting or reblogged with the legacy editor, remains a chat post. However, reblogs made through the new editor turn its post type from "chat" into "text". Any additional reblogs with comments will also turn its type into "text". These, however, at least have a HTML/CSS class name you can work off from (.npf_chat).

But back to users not having custom themes enabled and just having the default in-dash / in-app blog view: it's not just a NPF issue. As of 2022, all newly created blogs have custom themes turned off by default. So newer Tumblr users either don't know about custom themes in the first place, or they're convinced it's not an important feature if it's turned off by default. Tumblr has been pushing users towards a mobile-oriented experience regardless of whether you have a custom theme or not. Let's say you visit a Tumblr blog on your phone's browser (e.g. Chrome or Safari and NOT through the Tumblr app), when you scroll down the blog a bit, an obnoxious purple toast appears that takes up a good 40% of your screen:

Personally, it makes me not want to visit the tumblr.com website again. And the sad part is that the same obnoxious toast popup is appearing across other social media platforms as well (staring at you with rage, Reddit).

So while it's easy to point fingers at staff or hold a particular party accountable, it's more complicated than it seems.

That being said, the NPF changes have had positive impact as well. Photosets no longer rely on iframes to be generated, audio snippets don't rely on iframes anymore either (...still unstyled, but at least we have names to work with), and alt text works very well on NPF images (I've only seen it bug out once). Legacy photos and photosets with alt text had a chance of being muddled with the post's actual caption text, so it's not clear which is the image description, making it harder to determine and display when the photoset lightbox is triggered in custom themes.

Since NPF posts became prevalent, I've revised my own base code many times, and the JavaScript fixes that I've applied behind-the-scenes is 3–4 times longer than the actual theme code. Not every theme maker is going to have tedious and repetitive JavaScript code like what I've come up with, but we've all got our own ways of doing things (I'm actively trying to make my code more concise whilst still being coherent!).

◍ design style & branding:

So you might wonder – how did I ever go from this:

I. A bare-ass minimal theme that has nothing in it (it's not available to download anymore),

II. To this, where no pixel dares to be left untouched and the user guide is 23ish slides long?

This may sound corny as hell (and it is) but the answer is just – practice. Stumbling. Realizing what hits well and what doesn't. It's embracing the pang of hurt when you've spent weeks nonstop on a theme and it falls flat on numbers. It's that odd mix of confusion and joy when a theme you didn't spend as long on does do numbers. It's about realizing that you can make something you enjoy, and make content that the audience enjoys even if you're not as enthusiastic about it as they are.

I've grown to learn that minimalism is not my thing. The only exception is if I accompany it with 100+ options for my users to fiddle with. Interestingly, I've had complaints about not having enough options, yet I've also received complaints about too many options. And I understand both sides well from a user's standpoint. However, there are plenty of minimal styled themes out there already, and I don't particular enjoy making them either, so I figured I'd find my own niche. It was rather simple – I just focused on what I would want in a theme.

A major aspect that forms my style is the color scheme / palette. If you look through my portfolio, you'll notice that each theme (mostly) follows either a monochromatic color scheme or analogous palette. It's made to appear that there might be 2 or 3 major colors there (and that any other color is a variation of it, e.g. a couple shades darker), but in reality (if you've used my themes more than once then you're probably aware) pretty much every color can be changed. Although I have a specific mood or feel when I personally envision a theme, users may set an entirely different tone based on their preferences, and I want to give them the ability to be creative with the building blocks I've provided.

In order to make as many colors as customizable as they can be, most components cannot be images. They'd need to be text, a background color, border colors, mask overlay colors or SVG path fill colors of some kind, which adds a whole new level of complexity. But at the end of the day, it's fun. It's like having a shit ton of sliders on a character creation/customization screen in a RPG and you're trying to make the foulest abomination mankind has ever laid eyes on without breaking the game.

Naturally, this extends to other options I offer in my themes as well. My earlier themes (pre 2019) not only have less options to choose from, but are also a lot messier. This was before I figured out how to make dividers / separators in the customization panel, so all the options (regardless of type or element) would show up as one huge list. Also, I hadn't made glorified instruction manuals to walk you through everything back then. It was sort of expected that you'd just know your way around Tumblr themes and how to install them (which is foolish, because imagine how new Tumblr users must feel, especially with the blog settings interface changing every now and then? I'd be pretty discouraged and avoid using custom themes altogether). I now have a handful of options for everything ranging from post widths to paddings to font sizes, gaps, margins, border sizes (both inner and outer), positioning, shadow strengths (if applicable), and many more. An unexpected yet welcoming outcome of providing a plethora of options is that it encourages me to be organized. If I have each part recorded as a variable (properly named, not some keysmash or random food name that I used to do, no matter how amusing it was to me at the time), it saves me a lot of time and effort to then go back and change things if something goes awry. It also helps users who are more familiar with CSS/HTML to edit things in the code if they wish.

This is also an appropriate time to point out that in my newer themes and revamps, toggle options no longer exist. This is because it's been a Tumblr customization page bug for years and still has not been fixed ("on" toggles will appear as "off" and vice versa, rightfully confusing the hell out of users), so I've given up on them. Besides, toggles only provide 2 options: on and off. So why not turn them into dropdown options instead, when you can have even more?

Sure, this makes my theme code super long compared to most other themes out there but I think it's worth it. Waking up and randomly spotting someone having customized the fuck out of one of my themes (positive!) gives me a rush of euphoria like no other (though if you're going to make layout-breaking changes, I do appreciate asking me first 😅). On the other hand, I completely understand those who prefer to have a theme up and running from the get-go without much editing and guide-reading. I have multiple side blogs for my different interests and I'm only using my own themes on half of them (I don't make that many minimal themes, and sometimes a blog does look better when a minmal theme is applied!).

◍ “the friends we made along the way”:

Of course, I wouldn't have made it this far without the power of friendship. I'd like to give a special shoutout to the following lovelies who I consider the closest friends I've made through theme-making (and the ones I talk to the most, always at the top of my DMs list):

Felix ( @nonspace ) — My edgelord partner in crime; the one I share all my soulsborne and metal music obsessions with. His themes are like manifestations of HEALTH album covers in the best way.

Ces ( @tanaka-drew ) — The chaotic and loving sibling that I never had. Not only is her rate of pumping out themes astonishing, but so is her ability (rate of fire) at sending me memes/reels. The friend who I'd help hide a body and vice versa.

Bridgette ( @eggdesign ) — Fellow villain enthusiast, holder of my deepest darkest secrets (only half joking). Queen/monarch of building murals and interactables with CSS. She also draws over at @⁠cornetespoir and is participating in her first artfight!

I'm extremely loved and grateful to have become friends with the theme-making community – and with users of my themes, too! I consider all of you my precious family!

◍ what's next?

For the foreseeable future, I'd like to keep on reworking my older themes so they're up to my current standards. Although I patrol them regularly to check if there's a Tumblr update that impacted the appearance (it's also thanks to you folks who report these issues!), most of my older themes are not an accurate reflection of my standards and abilities of the present day. I still cringe when I receive an ask concerning an old theme that hasn't been revamped yet (usually involves looking through the code again), but I now see it as an opportunity to improve everything from the ground up!

Revamping themes (and not just themes; widgets too) is also the perfect chance to get rid of any jQuery code for good. For me (and I think this is the case for many other theme makers on Tumblr too), I learned jQuery before JavaScript itself (jQuery is a library/extension of JavaScript that designers prefer to use over JS). Sadly, jQuery is outdated, unnecessarily bulky and is infamous for causing issues (e.g. if feature A gets broken, subsequent features will break too, even if they're in a separate function), so since college, I've been going "backwards" to learn core JavaScript so I can eventually eradicate all traces of jQuery from my content.

I'll be making new themes whenever the inspiration hits me! I know I don't release themes at the rate I did 9 or 10 years ago (which was definitely not healthy, at one point I released a new one every other week and they were never checked properly) but that's just adulthood. Nowadays we're elated to accompany our friends to the dentist just so we can spend some time together.

...And that's all 🥹

Thank you for reading (if you actually read the entire thing: are you okay??) and I love you all 🥹

If you'd like to get to know me when I'm "off-duty", here are my socials:

Personal blog / no-context chaos: @⁠devsmaycry

Discord server: discord.gg/RcMKnwz (feel free to lurk or chat as much as you want!)

Bluesky: glen-px.bsky.social

[cladu-blue-bird]

I really didn't wanna make this post but I couldn't help myself. The Hellaverse hatedom is full of toxic bullies that pretend to care about victims, but completely undermine their feelings the second they can't use them for their hate campaign anymore.

You know what really, really bothers me about them? It's the fact that they filled the comment section of the Stolas fan animation (you know the one) with stuff like this.

Now, now now.

Do you guys remember what these same people were saying about Poison?

But you wanna know the bast part? These tweets were all posted between January 12th and January 14th of 2024. Hazbin Hotel came out on January 19th. All we had seen before that was a 5 seconds l*aked clip of Poison, completely missing context, and some of these people hadn't even watched that.

Antis were calling Hazbin fetishistic and all kinds of names just upon hearing that there was a SA scene, period. Without context, without watching it, without even waiting for the show to come out.

Y'all who say that 'you wish this actually happened in Helluva Boss'... no you fucking don't. You only say that because this isn't Viv. Because if she came up with something like this, you guys would have CRUCIFIED her. I can already picture the hundreds and hundreds of tweets accusing her of 'glamourizing suicide' and 'using it for shock value', the people berating her because 'how DARE she represent something so GRAPHIC and UPSETTING on screen??? How DARE she make a scene that TRIGGERS me personally??? She's such an AWFUL person she doesn't understand depressed and suicidal people AT ALL she should DIE and FUCK Helluva Boss". Tell me that you wouldn't have done that.

What bothers me the most, is the hypocrisy. You threw a tantrum over Masquerade not having a trigger warning for SA, but when this video comes out having a graphic suicide scene, and only a trigger warning for 'blood'? Silence. Or even worse, the joke at the end. The fan animation literally ends with Blitzø passing by Stolas' corpse and yelling 'Wake up, fuck head'. I haven't heard a SINGLE one of you talking about this. Meanwhile, you're still using that joke about Sir Pentious getting dragged into the sex room to prove that 'Viv doesn't actually care about victims', despite Hazbin having a character's entire arch being about SA, an entire episode and two musical numbers about his trauma, but no no, that's not important, this 3 SECONDS joke is! This shows Viv's true colors, right? Meanwhile that other joke wasn't made by someone you're running a parasocial hate campaign against, so it's not worth fussing over.

But you know what I think is the worst thing of all? Last year, you were presenting yourselves as the protectors of the victims who felt triggered, demanding that everyone respected your opinions, your traumas and your reactions, and that's totally fair. When we get triggered, however? You call us 'over emotional teenagers' and you say that we're 'built soft' for getting uncomfortable at a very disturbing suicide scene drawn in an extremely crude way.

And then you say shit like this.

You, who have made a career out of telling people to kill themselves over their opinions on fictional characters because "fiction affects reality! If you like a bad character you're a bad person too!" say shit like this. Ykw I'm not even explaining why that's hypocritical I'm tired.

I just want to end this post with a comparison. From what I've seen, the fandom's reaction the animation has been amazing. I've seen people showering the animator with praise, and even making fanart of it. Even the ones who found it disturbing still went out of their way to point out that whoever made the video was extremely talented and that it was amazing, but it was too much for them. The antis, on the other hand...

...still as nice and respectful as ever.

[cherryo]

how some Mechs react to you carrying inanimate objects like a baby

I thought this would be cute, I've always held things like a baby even if it doesn't fit like a baby would. idk why i do this, ive done it since i was a baby myself, probably just thought my mom was cool for carrying my sisters and me <3

let me know if yall want other characters for this scenario

Pairing: Bumblebee, Vortex, First Aid, Swerve

Word count: ..

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy and intimate moments, so somewhat suggestive

Bumblebee 

-Absolutely spoons over you, honestly if you don't want to be sparked don't do this in front of him 

-Wants to test the theory that humans can get pregnant by bots,,,,,will be all over you

-I lowkey think Bee has a thing for pregnant women, more so you. If he can get you round and happy with his sparkling, dear Primus, you are in for it

-He'd give you as many sparkling as you can handle, Ratchet has to give him a warning about sparking you

-He thinks its adorable though, questions you if there's a reason you do it (ie if its easier to carry things like that, less pressure on your back )

-When you respond that you've always done it, his spark flutters. Adores you and everything about you

First Aid

-Dear lord you'll have this bot on his hands and knees sobbing about how cute it is

-You came into the med bay with coffee for him and carrying a box on your hip, once giving the coffee to him, he expects you to readjust

-You do, just to hold the box more on your hip, he's surprised honestly expected you to move it so you'd be holding it with both hands

-Questions you about it, Ratchet points out that you're holding it like a baby, Primus help yall because he can't stop cooing over you about it

-Ratchet just groans when you shoot him a glare, realizing that's all he'll hear about for a good two weeks

-First Aid wants to cradle YOU like a baby now, alas Ambulon put a no pda sign up

It wasnt your fault Drift and Ratchet cant find a habsuite.

-He decides to wait till you two were alone to show you how he really felt

Vortex

-At first didnt notice and didnt care, he didnt pay much attention to you

-It's only when Swindle points it out, meaning it as a jab towards you, does he notice you carry most things like a sparkling

-He's confused why his spark is thumping so hard and why his blades are jumping every time he see you carry something 

-I don't think Vortex sees a future where he has sparklings, at all, but now he does

-He hopes humans can carry sparklings because he's about to make it happen

-He'll bring it up any time you guys are intimate, cooing how adorable it is that you're preparing to carry his sparkling, how hot it will be to see you all round and showing that you're his

Swerve

-He'd asked you to help him carry some stuff across the bar, it was some of his human media and collectors items

-One thing happened to be a stuff animal, setting it on your hip you traversed the counter top of the bar 

-He watched you as you waddle along, plush on your hip and items dangling in your other hand, his faceplate heated up

-You looked like a mother taking care of your baby, his baby, yalls baby

-That could make the minibot himself just drop to the floor, Primus he loves you so much

-He's another one that brings it up during an intimate moment, gushing about being a father and a parent with you, how he wants to see his sparkling in your arms

-He would do anything to make it happen

[angst-fairy]

Everyone has needs, some more than others sure, but isn't that what the cause is about?? Making sure everyone is provided for? Loving everyone and treating them well?

Ones with extreme disabilities are the most qualified to be part of this cause. Even ones who can't speak has a voice, they have ideas that need to hear, wants to be heard. Why do they need anymore than that to participate?

I understand how awful it is to be in pain, to be disabled, but not look or be treated like it. You feel like you've fought so hard for so long, endured all this pain but by the end no one cares, no one even notices and they treat you like you didn't just fight for your life. You feel like you achieved something but they refuse to give you your prize or admit that you did anything at all. But the fact is we are discriminated against less because of this. You can disagree, you can ignore it, but that changes nothing. This is a fact, you want to change it go do something, but you can't just disagree. Another fact is that it doesn't make me less worthy to be in the disabled community or fight to be treated better. I'm more physically capable than some, that is all. I need a little less help, that is all. There is no "we're more important, we're more justified or we're more disabled." Disability isn't even one single scale. People with different disabilities are affected in different ways, you can't always compare them, especially not if your trying to figure out which one is "worse" than the other.

I got made fun of and accused of faking my seizures for attention in a discord I had just joined. There were 6 girls all attacking me. One of which claimed to have seizures as well. I thought I found friend to relate to, but she refused to believe me because I didn't have a diagnosis yet and said that because she was never medically gaslit, my doctors couldn't have done that to me. I suffered 4 years of being told all my symptoms were just anxiety, a nurse did 3 sternum rubs on me, forced me out of a seizure so I couldn't speak and was very confused and yelled at me because I wasn't corporating, I got thrown out of school, I lost many friends, I left doctor appointments crying and wanting to kill myself, I don't trust any new friends I make online because I'm worried they'll turn on me too. If you are in the disabled community and think your weeding out all the less disabled fakers, then you need to get your head checked. And if you went through similar things I did, but are reacting by not supporting more physically visible disabled people, then you are on the wrong side. Both need to remember what this community is meant to be about, and that is supporting everyone.

[hotpinkboots]

~~~

~"The Purge Event." (Pt. 3/3)~

(Dream BBQ!Ena x Reader)

A/N: LAST PART OOOH Enjoy, darlings! Warning(s): Ena is not okay, I wrote the end to be disorienting and choppy to match the vibe, Hangover Ena makes her appearance, near-fainting, angst and comfort, I made you two do Sick Tricks for more suffering :D, Reader feels confused and a bit left out at one point but it's bc Ena is trying so hard to get things done, Reader doesn't feel well near the end Notes: This story can be taken as either a close platonic friendship, or a budding romance, whichever you prefer to think of it as

~~~

The woman before you looked so similar to Ena, just incredibly humanlike. It was unnerving. Some sort of orange spirit like outline of Ena was speaking from the woman's stomach. That must be her.

She looked like she hadn't slept in ages, though you weren't sure if she even needed sleep, or if this was truly Ena. You stared down at her empty torso in taken aback disbelief, heart pounding uncomfortably. You made your presence known once she had stopped mumbling about coffee and milk.

"Ena?" Her head turned slowly, large weary eyes looked in your direction, though the fiery outline of Ena continued speaking to the entity.

The humanesque Ena stared at you like she was asking for help.

Her lips trembled, hands left limp at her sides like she didn't know what to do with them. This could possibly have been two sides of Ena- one tired but still ready for business, the other looking hungover and ready to collapse. You weren't sure if your theory was correct. It was best not to assume, and possibly even better to not ask her. She looked broken enough.

Ena didn't respond when you cautiously walked closer to her, in her own dazed and hazy world. You swore you saw her hand twitch, it looked to you like she had almost instinctively reached out for you. Maybe that was wishful thinking.

Ena thought the same thing of you. Her eyes flicked down to your trembling fingers, briefly wondering if you were about to steady her. She wished you would. She also wished you weren't seeing her like this. Ena was sure she'd never looked so pathetic in her life. She groaned deeply again, the entity projecting from the hole in her stomach covering her face, humiliated.

"Ugh...I hate myself."

She gagged.

"What?" You said incredulously, brows furrowing. You'd never felt so taken aback- she hated herself? Was that a spur of the moment statement, or was she serious? You responded without thinking.

"But I love you." You sounded heartbroken. Ena's blurred eyes managed to briefly focus. She felt sick and dizzy- the ground seemed to be shifting under her, her hearing was fuzzy. She couldn't verbally respond without possibly collapsing.

But she heard you.

Ena contemplated the sentiment, wondering if you had actually said that, or if she had hallucinated it. It touched her either way. You might have seen her lips tremble, the corners twitching up for half a second.

She seemed stuck in place, like a statue, or a mannequin that had been forced to stand in a single position. Humanesque-looking Ena's eyes managed to focus hazily on you. The blazing outline of Ena spoke up. She anxiously wringed her trembling hands together, lifting her head to look at you.

"I need...your help."

She reached her hands out towards you.

"Can you get us out of here?" Ena asked hoarsely.

Your heart felt as though somebody had physically placed their hands in your chest and squeezed at it like a stressball.

Ena had been kind enough to guide you through this world the entire time without asking for anything in return. She'd helped you out of odd situations that you had no idea what to do in, taken you out of frightening places that you didn't want to be in, taught you what was what in this place when you were clueless.

Of course you would help her.

"Yes," you murmured determinedly.

You cautiously placed a hand on her shoulder. Ena took very slow, shaky steps towards the blinding white river with you as her guide. Her condition worsened the moment she the edge, she quickly began to feel rather faint.

"I can't do this," She slurred, hands coming up to cover her face. Ena swayed on her feet and almost fell in. You caught her in time.

"Ena, it's okay, I've got you. You're okay," You murmured, pulling her into your arms to ground her.

She whispered something about feeling sick, her body trembling against you tiredly. How were you supposed to comfort her? You weren't even sure what she was right now, or what was happening to her. You hoped this would be enough to suffice.

Ena lifted her head away from your chest and stared at the comically large outhouse. Her head almost fell against you, as though she could hardly hold it up. Still, with pure determination, she managed to pull away and clutch your hand for support- not only for herself, but for you. If anything happened to you, she'd use every last bit of her strength to protect you best she could.

A half smile formed on your face, proud of your business partner for continuing. Both of you knew that this was the final stretch of your journey. Whatever was in that bathroom was the last of it before relief. At least, you hoped so.

You stepped to the edge of the river with Ena, heads moving in unison as the both of you waited for the right bamboo raft to jump on. Deciding to be brave, you took the lead, seeing as Ena could hardly focus her eyes.

You jumped on. Ena clumsily jumped on after you, nearly fell off, and clung to you tighter. Her cheek rested heavily on your shoulder, knees nearly buckling with how quick the bamboo raft was gliding across the river.

You steadied her carefully, your heart beating so quick you could feel it in your throat. Now that you were actually on the raft, it seemed nearly impossible to get to the other side. They were moving quickly, the light from the river was blinding, and you'd be lying if you said that you yourself didn't feel at least a bit queasy.

And yet, you pushed on.

"Stay with me," you told her quietly. Ena straightened up best she could.

"That one looks close," she murmured weakly, pointing to one that was making its way a bit closer than the others.

You told her she did a good job helping. Ena looked mildly proud.

You jumped onto the next one. She hopped on, almost caused the entire thing to flip over, then managed to still it by repositioning her stance.

This went on for a very long time. You weren't sure how much time had passed before you were almost at the end.

Ena looked as though she was ready to be sick, pass out, or dissolve into tiny bits of code and pixels. Perhaps all three. "How much more..." She slurred, hunched over with one hand resting on her knee and the other clutching at her forehead. She didn't want to look up.

"We're almost there, I promise," you reassured tenderly.

For a moment, Ena seemed almost happy, until she stumbled a bit too far back and fell straight off the raft.

Your stomach dropped. "ENA!" You screamed, struggling to not jostle the little slab of bamboo in your panic.

"Ohh..." She groaned in defeat, pulling herself up after managing to grab the side before she fell in completely. "So it goes."

You almost wanted to give a disbelieving laugh at her attitude, but you couldn't manage. You had been ready to dive in yourself without a second thought the moment she fell into whatever abyss was below.

You instantly reached down to help her on, constantly changing your position to keep your platform stable. With your help, Ena dragged herself back on. She lay there for a moment to gather herself, until you helped her up.

Ena's hands gripped your biceps, breathing heavily. Poor thing had the polygons scared out of her. Her eyes met yours.

"I am...in your debt."

Something told you she seriously meant that.

At last, the two of you reached the other side. Ena wanted to collapse. You wanted to curl up in a ball.

You and Ena silently walked into the Bathroom. The inside was uncanny. Whispers poked your eardrums gently like the tongue of a snake slithering into your ears. The floor felt more solid than any other floor you had stood on today. The Bathroom looked more Bathroom than any Bathroom you had seen today.

Neither you nor Ena spoke as you explored your destination. You continuously looked at her from the corner of your eye to check on her- she hadn't changed a bit, and you wondered how long she'd stay like this. Fleshy, pale and half-dead looking. Despite the exhaustion weighing her body down, when you looked closer, you realized that she had a very sweet-looking face. She was cute. You frowned. Her cuteness and weirdness made her charming, and you wished she didn't have to go through whatever was going on with her right now.

But, Ena was brave. She took the lead, walking down the stairs, into some sort of locker room, and finally into a shower room. There was a well at the end. Either Ena was very courageous, or she was too fatigued to care what would come out of it when she pulled the rope.

To your surprise, it was the Genie.

"Congratulations on reaching the BATHROOM. It is I, Theodora, the Genie of these lands. All of your sins are now forgotten."

Theodora's voice was ethereal. You easily could've shut your eyes and listened to her for hours. She could've sang you to sleep. She could've read you the finest poetry and it would've calmed your soul for eternity.

Unfortunately, you weren't granted that gift.

She rejected Ena quickly, almost shocked by her mere presence. The glorious angel wings that had attached themselves to Ena's back during a strange ritual of transformation that you couldn't understand melted off to reveal her original form- the Ena that was so familiar to you.

Relief filled your body, until it was interrupted by Meanie's sudden shouting into her megaphone.

Ah, yes, she was back in business, just as jarring as she always was. You smiled.

"DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP THAT PHONE!" She snarled.

Theodora rolled her eyes. "Ughh...I'll admit that I admire your naive courage. I'll grant you and your friend one aspiration, okay? Nothing more."

You couldn't decide if you wished you were part of this or happy to stand aside. Ena was taking control without acknowledging you, but what did you expect after what happened? You still weren't really sure what exactly a genie even was. Plus, this was finally it- the moment Ena had been striving for since meeting you. Asking the genie to clear the smoke. Still, you felt like a bit of a third wheel.

"What are you striving for? What kind of life do you want to live? Tell me your aspirations."

Anything.

You and Ena could ask...for anything.

A blissful life.

Eternal happiness.

Ena muttered something a bit incoherent, but you made out something about "Frank" or "the moon".

...

You blinked. "What did you sa-"

"Dear Genie. Your boss is out target today! But, the smoke is in the way of our business. Would you kindly get rid of it at once?"

Theodora looked disappointed.

"What is this about a "target"?" She asked suspiciously. Her eyes flicked to you briefly, causing you to straighten up. as though an angelic being had casted her gaze upon you judgmentally. "And why are you with her? Your partnership will only end in worry and fear. Think before you trust."

Maybe Ena really was an untrustworthy person, you thought after Theodora's warning. If everyone was so put-off by Ena, maybe there was something to it.

You naively brushed the feeling away.

"Inside this well," Theodora continued, "You'll find the very root of your pain- the source of this smoke. Go ahead."

Ena blinked, then looked down the well. She jumped down without waiting or even paying attention to you.

"W-wait- Ena!" You snapped. Her lack of care for you after what just happened stung you terribly. You had no choice but to dive in after her.

Somewhere in the distance, you heard Theodora's voice calling after you.

She said your name first.

"Be wary of your partnership with her."

Then she spoke after Ena, words that confused you just as much as everything else did here.

"Remember, ENA: All it takes is a place and the right food."

The rest was a blur.

You had been here for too long, and it was beginning to get to you. You were vaguely aware of Ena's sharp hand dragging you like there was an emergency.

You and Ena walked through some glitched reality of what was real- or not real, if you were hallucinating this alternate reality of the world. You weren't sure at this point.

It felt like cubes were attacking your immune system. Your eyes were beginning to feel grainy, you couldn't see clearly. You thought you may have seen another Ena-looking being? Yellow and blue, and your muffled hearing could vaguely make out her asking if you were okay.

Your Ena yanked you aside instantly, and you could hear Meanie snapping at the other Ena for talking to you- was she even talking to you? Was that other Ena real or did you imagine it?

Your head started pounding. You didn't think you could take this much longer. If it were up to you, you would've given up by now. Your head felt full.

"We're almost there!" both Meanie and Salesperson were talking to you.

Ena was unnerved by your state. She smacked you gently to get your attention. "ARE YOU ALIVE?! COME ON! DON'T JUST STAND THERE!"

Your eyes cleared a bit. You noticed that you were right where you started- the Lonely Door.

It wouldn't budge.

You stood there like a rock while Ena tried to bash it open.

"We're trapped, aren't we?" You asked weakly, backing up against the wall. That was the only way out. You were stuck.

"NO! No, we just need to find another way! LET'S GO!" Ena retorted erratically, headbutting and pushing you in a new direction. You stumbled.

Everything slowed down. You were physically unable to move, vision obscured no matter how hard you blinked. This was hell, and heaven felt like being back at your normal home watching Television, having absolutely no idea that this world exists whatsoever.

Just like at The Purge Event, you felt Ena grasping at you as everything went black. It felt more urgent this time, and you flinched as her hard edges pressed against your back, like she was trying to fuse together with you to keep you safe and with her.

The next time you could see, you saw nothing but glowing teal code all around you. You were covered in purple slop, and falling. You hoped that you had awoken from a nightmare and that your body was doing the "fake fall" thing.

Your hope was false.

Close by, a faceless mannequin was falling with you into the depths of a black void. It was limp, and yet, it wouldn't stop touching you. If you moved your arm, it would stick to you like glue, and make an odd low static buzz.

This was over before you knew it.

You were suddenly...back at The Hub.

Your fuzzy hearing picked up Froggy and Dratula fighting as though you had simply been there the whole time and didn't just appear out of nowhere.

For the THIRD TIME, you wondered in terror where Ena was. Had you lost her in whatever system glitch the world just had? Your hands flew to the sides to feel what your eyes couldn't see. It felt like they were lagging inside your skull.

Your hand hit something hard. Your head whipped around to look at it.

Ena.

After taking numerous forms under the span of two seconds, she finally stabilized on her normal look.

You stared.

She stared back.

"What happened?" You asked, voice trembling.

Ena blinked. She might've been rebooting. Her red hand reached over and grabbed your shoulder, shoving you into her like she needed something to hold onto.

"That was a normal occurrence, and we should expect it to happen again." Ena's voice sounded choppy.

You didn't have the strength to ask further questions. In fact, you didn't have strength at all- you melted into her, trembling and breathing uneven.

Ena leaned into you, idly petting your bicep to sooth you. You seemed to need it more than she did.

"Thank you for your assistance! Next time, I believe a longer lunch break should be implemented to reduce our..."

She trailed off. Ena didn't have a smart business quip this time.

She took her hat off and placed it on the ground, then leaned against you, her head bonking gently against yours. All was quiet.

...

"Thank you."

~~~

I HAVE A DISCORD SERVER :D here you can scream about your favorite fandoms, see+post super fabulous art, roleplay with folks, find gaming buddies, etc! (server is for ages 17-22 to keep people comfortable!):

~~~

~Love, HotPinkBoots

[emlovesniallhoran]

if you’re taking requests!! niall x reader smut oral (m receiving) would be sooo hot 🤭 keep up the fantastic work

Jealousy, Jealousy

honestly the filthiest thing i've written, you're welcome 😘

Synopsis: at a charity gala, everyone's eyes are on you, and Niall doesn't like it one bit. Lucky for you, you know just how to remind him you're all his... Tags: established relationship, jealous!Niall x Reader, smut, softdom!Niall, oral (m!receiving), mid-care (or that's what I call it ig) and aftercare Words: 1.9k CW: smut, gagging, minor choking/breathplay (non-kink), tears/overstimulation, possessive behavior

A/N: big thanks to anon for suggesting this, its new territory for me but I had a blast writing it! i hope it lives up to expectations! feel free to like, reblog, comment, tell me what you think!

18+ / NSFW content!!! Reader's discretion is advised!

Taglist: @pawmpkinnn @lndlvnvdsjl @little-things-larry @illicitloves @tobeafangirl @andraslife @moonshine1d @proudravenclawbird @take-a-cchonce @xaansthings @twpk-1d @kateluvshaz click here to join my taglist!

≻───── ⋆✩⋆ ─────≺

The event was gorgeous.

It’s not often you get to join Niall in red-carpet charity events, but this one was a beautiful gala, and he was given a plus one, so of course he was gonna take you.

He’s regretting that choice now, though. Not because of you. Because of everyone else.

You looked stunning. Some gorgeous designer dress from a brand you’ve been obsessed with lately. It hugged your form perfectly, showing off your features that genuinely made you look like a goddess. But Niall wasn’t the only one who noticed.

The whole time, he swears, everyone was staring at you. Whenever they’d be in a group, talking with people he vaguely knew, he noticed lots of their gazes landing on you too often. And no, he wasn’t just imagining it. Every time someone looked at you, his hand tightened its hold on your waist, pulling you in just a bit closer.

You noticed. Of course you did. The way his jaw clenched often throughout the night, his grip on your waist, the way he seemed to always be touching some part of you. Yeah, he can be possessive, but usually not to this extent. 

It was kinda hot.

The car ride home was almost deafeningly silent. You could sense something stirring behind Niall’s eyes. He drove you two straight home, eyes locked on the road, his hand still on your thigh, like even now you’re alone, he still needs to be touching you.

When you pull into the driveway, the car is parked, turned off, and Niall is already out of the car before you can even process that you’ve arrived. You quickly unbuckle as he’s already at your door, still opening it up for you and helping you out like a gentleman, but that might just be the last ‘gentleman’ act of the night.

He’s practically pulling you inside the house, and the second the door is shut behind you two, he’s all over you. His hands find your hips, and he quickly presses you into the nearest wall, looking down at you, pupils already blown out.

“I saw all of it. The way everyone was looking at you. Like they had any right to even look in your direction, let alone like that.” He says, his voice low and deep, a bit gravely, hands squeezing your hips a bit. “What gives them the right to do that? Everyone there knows you’re mine, and I didn’t bring you just for them to all gawk at you like some kind of eye-candy.”

You’re caught off-guard and flustered, never having seen him this possessive before. Your eyes are wide, cheeks flushed, staring back up at him.

“Baby, I swear, I didn’t mean to bring attention to myself, it just happened-”

“Don’t even try blaming it on yourself.” He cuts you off, his eyes practically boring into yours. “It was all them. They’re pigs, every one of them. You’re mine.”

Before you can even think of what to say next, his lips are crashing into yours, making sure you know he means what he says. You grab the lapels of his suit jacket, trying to stabilize yourself in the moment, but Niall seems far from stable. One of his hands moves up into your hair, gently holding onto it as his other fingers dig into your waist, pulling you directly into him, where you can already feel a noticeable tent growing in his dress pants.

Oh, he’s really bothered by this. He’s genuinely jealous. And that knowledge gives you just the idea of how to ‘make up’ for it…

Niall was about to start trailing his lips towards your neck, but you beat him to it. He’s confused, but the moment your teeth sink into that sensitive spot on his neck, he moans, hands tightening their grip on you.

“Christ, petal… what’re you doing?” He mumbles, his voice raspy, breathing heavily as you push off his suit jacket and unbutton his dress shirt.

As you work open his shirt, you sink down to your knees, your hands move to the waistline of his dress pants. You look up at him from the floor, all doe-eyed and innocent looking as your hands slide their way down to the button of his dress pants, slowly working them open. “I want to prove to you that I’m all yours, baby. Remind you that only you get to have me at the end of the day.”

You don't pull his pants off yet, waiting for his reaction, but he’s stunned, just staring down at you.

He finally breathes after a moment, reaching down and running a hand through your hair.

“Oh fuckin’ hell, baby… You’ve no idea what you’re doin’ to me.”

That’s all the encouragement you need to tell you to keep going. You sweetly smile before letting his dress pants fall and pool at his ankles, leaning in and planting kisses at the waistband of his briefs, nails gently running up and down his legs, giving him goosebumps. When your lips move lower and start mouthing over his bulge, that does him in with a long, desperate groan escaping his lips.

“God, if you keep teasin’ me like this, I fuckin’ swear I won’t be able to hold back.” He mutters, his hand tightening its hold in your hair.

You hum at the sensation, finally hooking your fingers in the elastic of his briefs and pulling them down, his cock springing out, tip already red and leaking precum.

You swear you’ve never wanted anything more.

You don’t waste a second before leaning in, needing to taste him. You run your tongue from his base, up along the underside of his cock, right up to the tip. You flatten your tongue to gather the precum before wrapping your lips around the tip, sucking and swirling your tongue around him in the way you know he likes. 

He lets out an almost pathetic, desperate whimper as he watches your ministrations, breathing heavily as he tries to hold himself back. “Fuck yes, just like that, baby… feels so good…”

As much as you love teasing him, you need this as much as he does, and you don’t want to hold back anymore. You lean in more, hands bracing yourself against his thighs as you take in more of him, starting a rhythm of bobbing your head. Your eyes glance up to find his locked on you, moaning again as he takes both of his hands and pulls your hair back.

“That’s it… Taking me so fuckin’ good… You’re all mine, yeah? Only get down on your knees for me…”

You hum around him, the vibration making him groan as he pulls on your hair a bit, starting to guide your head to his own rhythm.

“Such a good girl, letting me do this to you… Look at you, so desperate for me. Desperate to suck on my cock. Christ, I love you..”

He’s practically muttering nonsensical praises and curses, fully lost in the moment. You take control back for a moment and push your head forward, all the way until he’s buried deep in your mouth, his pubes tickling your nose. You sit there, throat constricting due to his size, eyes starting to prickle with tears as you try your hardest not to gag.

“Holy shit, babe-” He chokes out before groaning, deep and low, clearly very affected by you. His eyes are pinched shut, one of his hands leaving your hair to press against the wall behind you, stabilizing himself.

He tries to slowly grind his hips, the tip of his cock nudging the back of your throat – though that doesn’t last long. You gag around him, needing to finally pull back fully, coughing a bit with spit around your lips, coating his cock as well.

Niall looks down when you start gagging and coughing, immediately focusing on your wellbeing, his hands moving to brush through your hair and cup your cheek.

“Hey, hey, you’re alright. Breathe, baby, I’ve got you.” He murmurs, thumb rubbing your cheek as you catch your breath again.

“Sorry, sorry, I’m okay… Maybe pushed myself too far, but I’m okay.” You rasp out when your breathing is back, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand.

“No, ‘M sorry, I lost control a bit. Shouldn’t have tried moving.” He says, wiping the stray tears from your eyes. “Are you sure you’re okay? We can take a break if you need, I’ll get you some water-”

You cut him off by turning your head and kissing his wrist, bringing his attention back to you. “I swear, I’m fine, Ni. Besides, I’m not done with you yet…” You say, a small smirk on your face as your hand moves up and grasps his member, slowly stroking him. He moans softly in response, his grip on your face tightening a fraction.

“J-Jesus, alright… I’ll keep myself under control this time, though. Show me you’re mine, princess.”

You lean in and instead of taking him in right away, you run your lips along his shaft, sucking and kissing occasionally as your hand keeps pumping him, slowly speeding up. 

He moans and groans, his eyebrows furrowed as he watches you work him, holding back, but enjoying every second of watching you wreck him, his hands holding your hair out of your face.

You take him fully in your mouth again, hollowing your cheeks as you suck him off, continuing the pace your hand was pumping him at. You can tell he’s getting close to finishing, the way his grunts are sounding more strained, his grip in your hair tightening, the pure focus on his face.

“Fuck, petal… can’t last much longer… gonna cum… and you’re gonna take it all, yeah? Every last drop…” 

You hum in response, eagerly bobbing your head, wanting to push him over the edge and take everything he has to give you.

Niall curses and grunts, unable to hold back from a few small thrusts as he presses his hips forward, moaning your name as he spills inside your mouth. You feel the warm, salty substance pour into the back of your throat, and you happily take it all. Once he’s finished, you slowly pull your head back, your hand taking the place of your mouth and gently working him down as you swallow his seed.

He just looks at you with pure awe and exhaustion, practically panting as he rests his hand on the wall again, holding himself up.

“Baby, c’mere…” He mumbles, reaching with his free hand to pull at your arm so you’d get up off the floor. You chuckle softly and stand up, letting him pull you into his arms. He leans his back against the wall and pulls you flush into him, cradling your head under his chin as his hand rubs up and down your back.

“You’re so good t’me… don’t know what I did to deserve you, but you’re all mine…” He murmurs into your ear, kissing your temple.

“Do you feel a bit better now, baby?” you ask quietly, pulling your head back so you can look up at him.

He looks back at you, his eyes droopy, but a blissed-out, happy smile on his face. “Yeah, you definitely did, love… Even though I still hate those twats. Wanna keep you all to m’self…”He leans in and kisses you softly, still that hint of possessiveness there, but more love than anything else. Now you know just how jealous your boyfriend can really get, but you also know exactly how to remind him that you’re all his.

≻───── ⋆✩⋆ ─────≺

[4dkellysworld]

🐈‍⬛ 4dkelly's handy dandy notebook 🐶🐾

Here's a list of some answers/posts I wrote (and a few from others) that may be useful. Keep in mind that my answers and suggestions are based on my own understanding and experiences and are not absolute so it may not fit your experience. As I keep saying: only take what resonates and discard the rest, don't accept what I say unless you want to since perception creates reality and you decide what's true. If it doesn't feel right, then trust that and find what does!

📌 Important

How to overcome trauma that I can't ignore or see as unreal?

Advice for those with hard circumstances

What to do when everything's gone wrong?

Why clearing the subconscious can be helpful

Why spiritual practice is important

Practice exercise for releasing emotions

Mind purification is necessary for the restless mind Part 2

General advice on how to detach and let go

Isn't having your desires and self-realization contradictory?

Lester Levenson's self-realization story

Forgiveness for letting go

Self-realization vs derealization

🦄 Troubleshooting

Dealing with ego fears and balance between active purification and allowing things to be

Dealing with problems

More on fears, thoughts and problems

Releasing fears (second part of the answer)

What if I can't observe consistently?

I got caught back into identifying with the dream

I can disidentify with the bad but not the good

If life itself is meaningless then what's the point in anything?

I've been telling myself I'm not the body/mind but nothing is working

I get brain fog and it makes awareness feel hazy

"I don't feel like I can go on, any advice?"

How to realize Self if ego is so busy all the time? I don't feel able to drop ego

I'm afraid of failing to realize Self

I'm afraid of letting go Part 2

Can death lead you to a desired reality?

I think I've overconsumed information

🧚🏻‍♀️ Practical Guidance

Recommended reading for beginners

How to change a memory that you've given reality to & can't see as unreal or let go of

Practice suggestions for letting go of ego

How to drop habits and tendencies?

About observing thoughts

A way to deal with negative, intrusive or scary thoughts

A way to release the mind from feeling stuck or trapped

From Aster: How to live without holding onto a personal story

How to get full conviction that I am not the body?

What I (Kelly) did to quiet the mind

What helped things click for Kelly

The short path - abiding as Self

The value of mind purification: what is best? Allowing, ignoring, investigating/dropping thoughts?

How to know if I've dropped a thought or belief?

When you let go of desire while still believing in lack

How to live knowing you are not the body/mind?

Will any practice work for me and lead me to self-realization?

"Life lessons"...? Stop believing you are the victim

Read if you believe that you are powerless to circumstances

🤖 Conceptual Understanding

About dropping ego concepts

What is the Self?

How do I find or see my Self??

What does dropping limitations mean?

Being aware of awareness?

Does everyone have their own reality?

On using AI for spiritual reflection

Is it enough to just remind yourself you're not the body/mind?

Couldn't I just shift to a reality where I'm fully realized? Why bother with any practices?

Can I realize Self without doing anything?

Can I realize Self without knowing what it is?

Why realize Self at all, why bother?

Is I AM the final truth? Can I know what I am?

The point of self-inquiry

Isn't self-realization something that happens outside of our control?

Isn't the consciousness just within our brain? Part 2

On chasing material things for happiness over Self-realization

Is there a right or wrong way to do this?

🌈 More "LOA" type questions: I filed some posts on this topic here

From awarenessis: The underlying mechanism of manifesting/shifting

See realisophie's posts on this: here and here

I keep affirming but why isn't anything working?

It's been ages and my manifestation still hasn't showed up

I'm tired of not having my desires

I haven't been able to change the dream..

Not being able to ignore the 3D when manifesting..

Self-realization and manifesting, are they opposed?

Why do things happen easily when we don't care about it anymore?

🦋 Other helpful stuff from books:

What is ego?

TW: Addressing suicide and the cycle of life

Balancing life duties with spirituality

Only hold onto 'I AM'

The essence of healing

How to move mountains

Mastering your mind

Do not want, simply choose

Thought is Creation

Even Buddha had fears that he faced

Stop it and Just Be

Excessive interest leads to self-identification

[crashingcryptid]

Trypanophobia- fear of needles

@rawme-price posted about this, and I HAD TOO. The worms demand food. Anyway. Taking T shots on your own feels impossible, so you enlist Soap and Gaz for help. They have a unique idea of helping you.

CW: Slight dub con as no consent is explictly established and needles/giving a T shot

"What's this all about? You're gonna make a groove on the floor." Soap jokes, watching yuou pace back and forth. You'd been doing that since Gaz and him got to your room, and you'd asked them to be here. "Should we leave?" He offers, wondering if you needed a moment to process what was on your mind.

"No! No, I just..." You finally stop pacing, taking a deep breath and turning to face them. "I need to take my T shots. I was using the gel for a while, but I'm ready for an increase, but that means a needle." You explained as you pulled out your kit. "I just... I hate needles. I've been trying to hype myself up for the shot for the last hour, and I can't do it." You finish in a rush, setting the kit down and rubbing your face.

"Oh, we can help with that... Do you want us to like.. Hold you down?" Gaz asks, chuckling a little. You shrug a little, looking at the kit and scrunching your face a little.

"You'll probably have to. I need the shot in my upper thigh." You lift your sweat shorts and point to the spot. "Around here, so it's less painful. I'm just so nervous about it.. It's so simple! Why can't I do it?"

"Hey, hey, we all have our fears. We can help you out, no problem." Soap hums quietly, grabbing your shoulders firmly to ground you. "Come on. Let's get you on the bed." You catch his eyes, realizing there was something primal there as he easily lays you down. He hovers above you, grinning a little.

"I've given Ghost is T shots before when he was injured, so I know how to do this. How many milligrams are you taking?" Gaz asks, grabbing your kit and then shucking your sweatshorts down and off. You squeak, trying to pull your legs shut, but Gaz straddles you, pinning them still and seperate.

"20 right now. In a few months, I should be able to go to 50." You hear Gaz opening up the kit and getting things ready, and you start to squirm. "Wait, wait, Gaz, I don't want it." You whine, the anxiety suddenly settling in your stomach when you see the needle.

"Hush bonnie, you're going to break his focus." Soap scolds, pinning both of your hands under one of his. He slung his leg across your chest, pressing you down and forcing your whole body to lay still.

"I'll just take the gel! I don't need the shot. Thank you guys, for being willing to help, but I'll be fine, I don't need it." You babble nervously, trying wiggle away. Soap chuckles, grabbing the wasitband of his sweatpants and pulling them down.

Of course Soap went camando, you thought, but before you could string together another protest, Soap slipped his half chubbed cock between your lips. He doesn't thrust down your throat, simply pushing it past your lips and nestling halfway into your mouth.

"Good thinking, Soap. I work better in silence." Gaz hums in appreciation, and you feel the cold alcohol pad rub where you had pointed at earlier. You try to babble another protest, your tounge working at the underside of Soap's cock making him groan.

"Mmm, careful." Soap groans, thrusting further into your mouth to shut you up. "Just let Gaz work his magic. You won't even feel it." He assures, forcing himself to keep his hips still. You could feel it though, a small pin prick on your thigh that makes you whine around Soap's cock.

"Good boy, Y/N! You did it." Gaz praises, pressing the alcohol pad to the spot and firmly pressing down to stop the blood. "You deserve a little reward, I think." He mumbles as he packs up your kit and sets it aside. That's when Gaz grabs your boxers and pulls them down and off.

You try to squirm, but both of them are bearing their weight down on you, and you can't move. Soap groans softly as he starts rocking his hips, shifting his weight off you a little for better leverage. You groan around his cock when Gaz licks your swollen t dick, your sex pulsing a little as he wraps his lips around it.

"Oh, that's a good lad." Soap whines breathlessly as he thrusts deeper into your throat. Gaz laps at you, sucking hungrily as he brings two fingers to your entrance. Your hips jump at that, whining at the stretch as he carefully presses them inside.

"We'll be here same time next week, yeah?" Soap huffs desperatly, his cock twitching in your mouth as he thrusts faster. "Would hate for you- hah- to miss a dose." He shudders, Gaz humming in agreement as he curls his fingers inside of you.

You can't protest with a cock in your mouth, not that you'd want to, Gaz working an orgasm out of you as Soap cums down your throat. Your thighs shake under Gaz's hand, whining weakly as Soap pulls out of your mouth.

This hadn't been what you meant by help with your T shots, but there's no going back now.

[remembertheplunge]

You said in your recent post that one shouldn't live life expecting death but it's so hard. My dad is in his late 60s now and every other day he tells me of yet another ex-colleague his age who'd just 'dropped' dead. After losing my mom to cancer early in 2017 death is something I think about daily. As in every day at night or before falling asleep I find myself in an endless thought spiral about my dad dying, my partner dying, my pets dying and it's making me miserable but I can't stop. It doesn't help in the slightest that I'm living about 600km away from my dad so spontaneous visits aren't a thing.

I'm sorry for rambling and offloading this here but maybe you have some pointers.

Hi. Thank you for being so open and honest in your response to my "Don't do that blog" in which I said don't live your life in anticipation of death. Through my life experiences I have learned that death is a natural part of life. Your psyche and your body know this. Death comes to another. You go on. In time, after the shock, awe and grieving, you are fine. Stronger than before. And, the people you loved who have died are still there with you in your mind. As people and places die and or change as you age, you become their story teller. When you look at a familiar landscape you can see the past that the young don't know and can't see. The world grows quieter. It becomes a beautiful place to be with the past. And the wisdom of having lived it gives a luster to your agency in the present. N: 7/15/2025

[strawb3rrycr3p3c00ki3]

Note: this is inspired by @existence-is-a-pain87 by their Yandere!block tales x monster?reader (I recommend reading it tho since It’s pretty neat and kinda humorous in my opinion) but this one will be different from the original so yeah I hope you understand that now. Anyways have some platonic block tales x Doey!(GN) Reader!

Warning: kinda swearing, blood mentions, notes from the author that completely uncalled for, goofy ahh sketches, poppy playtime events that are messed up, mentions of killing

HELLO WORLD!

So when you know who is speaking:

Jack = blue

Kevin = orange

Matthew = red

Well after the whole… incident of your home with your friends in it destroyed by an employee that Poppy SAID they wanted to help.. and the employee nearly killing you and SOMEHOW you are still alive which is kinda surprising tho. But after all the events that’s happened you managed to escaped Playtime.Co but since you literally just left that hell of a place you needed to fit in with society so you don’t scare the living crap outta people when they see you. Which before you thought is would easy to fit in but you instantly regret that because well people there are just really weird or just… there. At least you get to go to a convention for the first time even tho you’re broke and don’t really have job..

But you pulled though and currently you were just chilling in your new home with better food and a calm life. Your just sitting on your couch watching the news while you were busy thinking you should go to that convention or not. But a certain someone is eager to go there because… of free food..? Meanwhile in your mind.. or consciousness??? Idk just whatever going on:

“Kevin.. just because we got a free ticket doesn’t mean we gonna get free food there. It could possibly be a scam!”

“You don’t know that! It could POSSIBLY BE TRUE MATTHEW!!! Jack whose side are you on Me or Matthew’s?!”

“Don’t bring Jack into this! You do this every time I argue with you-“

“I want free food too..”

“..fine we’ll go to that convention… BUT Kevin you better not attack ANYONE in there. You got that?”

“Fine… party pooper ..”

“What-“

“Yay!”

You were zoning out that you not even paying attention to the news anymore but the only thing you got was:

Newscaster:

“Make sure to head out early… you don’t want to miss it!”

(OKAY WELL TIME TO GET UP YOU LAZY FELLA! YOU GOT CONVENTION TO GO TO NOW BYEEEE) you got up from the couch and headed to the door to leave your home and head out to see the convention. But the moment you left.. a random zombie greeted you outside and who would a great friend if they don’t say hi to their friends or a friend (Idk why I’m doing this..)

Marcus, Zombie Enthusiast:

Hey there! What’cha think of my new fit for today?! Pretty snazzy if I do say so myself! Are you on your way to the VIP Convention bro?

“Maybe if there’s free food…”

(Kevin is just silently judging bro’s fit 😭)

“Well, I’ll be looking forward to seeing you then! I’ll be heading over in a minute… I’m a bit busy saying hi to all these awesome townsfolk! Bizville’s really busy this time of year, after all! You should go introduce yourself to a couple of them! Friendships are what last a lifetime, after all!”

“Where’s the convention being held?”

“Oh! You didn’t hear? It’s at ROBLOX HQ this year! You know how to get there… right?”

“Yes!”

“Good luck dude! See you after the VIP Convention!”

“I will see you too! Pal! See you later!!!”

And now you made your way to ROBLOX HQ while walking and saying hi to the townsfolk. You walked past a small park and that’s when you hear two kid’s voice.

Harry:

“Hey!”

Shouldn’t parents be teaching kids not to be talking to strangers???

Mary:

“Harry! Don’t be talking to strangers! You know what Great-Uncle JERRY said...”

Oh so their parents didn’t tell them but their uncle? That’s a new one for me.. BRUH WHAT???

“Heya there pal! How’s it going?”

Bro you still gonna talk to them? We can’t talk to strangers too!

“See! This stranger doesn't mind!”

“(Sighs)”

“Have you seen our grandpa around here? He was supposed to be grabbing some ice cream...” (don’t ask why it’s purple it just is)

Now I want ice cream too! Same here.. but I want the FREE FOOD first! We’ll get ice cream after the convention!!!

“Don't worry about it, Harry! He's probably just being slow again...Or picking a fight with the cashier.”

They’re lucky they have THAT type of grandpa.. KEVIN WHAT-

“Haha! Yeah!! He's probably all like...

I’LL KILL YOU!!!

Hahahaha!!!”

Bro’s got the coolest grandpa EVER!!! … What?

“That's not a good thing, Harry...”

Understandable.

“Whatever Mary! Don't be a stick in the mud...”

YEAH MARY!!! KEVIN BE QUIET-

“HEY!”

“…”

There was just awkward silence now. Until you broke it to make less awkward for now.

“What?”

“Oh! I forgot you were still here... Are you heading to the VIP Convention too?”

“Yeah why?”

“Yoooooo!! That's sick! You should come and sit with us and grandpa during it!”

“..He's usually so loud people tend to sit far away.”

Kevin doesn’t like loud noises..

“Don't worry about it! We're gonna see you there!”

“Um... Harry.. They didn't agree yet...”

“WE'LL SEE YOU THERE, STRANGER!!!”

“I’ll see you two and your grandpa there too! BYE!!!”

“(Sigh…)”

After that conversation. You made your way to the convention and introducing yourself to the townsfolk on your way. And the moment you made it the ROBlOX HQ it. Was. Packed. I mean it wasn’t that packed when you were at playtime.co… that place was always filled with life.. WAY TOO MUCH LIFE IN IT… but now it’s all just ruins and blood… but hey I mean the past is just the past! No need to worry about it!!! Anyways you made your way in the crowd and successfully passed through everyone! And now you were looking for your seat.

JParty:

Good morning, fellow imagineers! The Visionaries Innovation Presentation begins shortly! Please take your seats, and silence your cellphones!

But that’s when you heard a familiar voice.

“Hey! We’re over here!”

Oh it’s the kids again. With their… cranky grandpa.. Don’t say that! You mean the coolest grandpa! What no-

“Come sit with us! We saved a spot for you!”

“Okay! I guess”

You sat down on the seat but second you do. Their grandpa wasn’t exactly… pleased with it but hey at least you made some friends right?

Elder penguin:

“Eh?! Who’s this dipface you kids brought over?!”

Rude…

“Shhh!!! Quiet, Gramps!”

The convention about to start now so PLEASE be quiet for once Kevin.. FINE! Only for the free food.

“Welcome friends, creators, and community alike! To the greatest platform on Earth... With the greatest fans on Earth... Pioneered by the minds of the future... all of YOU! Please put your hands together... For the founder and CEO of ROBLOX... BUILDERMAN himself...

DAVID BASZUCKI!

David Baszucki:

“Oh goodness... Hello Everyone! This is a record year for the ROBLOX's VIP Convention... We have over 70 countries of developers here today! Brazil, Mexico, Indonesia, Sweden... and many more! Welcome, creators from all walks of life! Please give them a round of applause!”

When you were listening to his speech. You heard the elder penguin muttering something that you could hear.

“There he is... haven't spoken to Dave in a while...”

What???

But before you could say anything. Mary also heard it and said:

“Shhhhh!!! Be quiet, Gramps!”

“When Eric and I founded Roblox... We wanted to connect the world through play. And many years later, that dream has been realized. Connection through play reaches those in need and isolation...And brings them into the light to find happiness.”

While you listening to his long speech. You kinda heard the elder penguin snoring A LOT. (He’s TOO DAMN LOUD)

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…”

He has the right to sleep..! It’s SOOOOOOOO boring!!! KEVIN QUIET.

“Gramps!!! Wake up!!”

“Just let him sleep, Harry... At least he's being quiet now..!”

“Your amazing content supports making differences. It's YOUR kindness... YOUR creativity... THAT is what changes the lives of others. And with hundreds of millions of monthly active users... Your impact is felt, and ROBLOX has NEVER been better!”

Mysterious Figure:

“Yeah, Right.”

What the hell..? Who said that? Was this part planned…?

The room fell silent when EVERYONE heard that voice. Very silent… Heck even David Baszucki wasn’t expecting this to happen too.

“Excuse me? JParty… Did I miss a segment transition cue?”

“You think you’re so GRAND, HUH?! Spouting all those words… and for WHAT?!”

“I-I think we’re experiencing some technical difficulties here…”

And then… BOOM three people burst through the roof and landed on the stage! One of them order two of them to tie David Baszucki down (don’t think of anything dirty) and everyone was panicking at the moment. Wondering what to do. While there was a conversation between the certain three:

“What are we gonna do??? What are we gonna do??? What are we gonna do??? What are we gonna do??? What are we gonna do??? What are we gonna do??? What are we gon-“

“BE QUIET!!! YOUR NOT MAKING THIS ANY BETTER MATTHEW!!!”

“IS HE OKAY?!”

While you busy overthinking and everyone is panicking on what’s happening. THAT OLD AHHH PENGUIN STILL SLEEPING THOUGH ALL OF THIS CRAP. (How does he do it? Idk.)

“N-no! It can’t be!!”

“You recognize ME?! How… curious… YOU took EVERYTHING from your community… took EVERYTHING… from ALL of us! YOU just HAD to throw us aside. It’s. SICKENING. YOU’RE. MINE!”

They know each other..? Great…that makes it 10x worse..

“Hmm… I don’t think this was in the script… BUT FEAR NOT! Don’t worry, David “BUILDERMAN” Baszucki! As the VIP Honorary Host, I’m also… Your Honorary Bodyguard!! Take THIS you fiend!!”

JParty does backflip from his seat to the stage and pulls out a… ball..? And throws it at one of the intruders but one of the intruders he chose to throw the ball at was wearing a helmet so the ball just bounce off and back JParty hitting him in the stomach. And one of them just threw wooden sword at him afterwards which kicks him off the stage (Ouch. That must’ve hurt..) but a certain someone commented on that failed attempt of a save.

“You call THAT honorary? Bro THAT was disappointment.”

“KEVIN NOT NOW!!!”

The two little kids and the still sleeping grandpa next to you. The kids were panicking while the grandpa was STILL SLEEPING.

“Ahhh!!!”

“Is he okay?! What’s going on?!”

“Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz……”

“Grandpa! GRANDPA!! WAKE UP!!!

“Zzzzz…… Eh?! Wuh… What?!”

The second the grandpa was taken in to the current situation.. HE WAS PISSED OFF.

“HUH?! WAIT A MINUTE!! I REMEMBER YOU!!”

Wait what? Huh..? What???

“….AND DON’T THINK OL’ TERRY’s FORGOTTEN YOU ETHER.”

“I’LL KILL YOU!!!”

Terry gets down from his seat with his cane and walks a little closer to the stage but stop there and turns to YOU like he expects you to help him. And you just blankly stare at him for a few seconds, really confused on why’s he looking at you for..

“Come on, bruh! It’s been a while, hasn’t it?! Get up there and SLAP THEM UP!!!”

“Sir.. I NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE!!!”

You literally shocked him when you said that. (Memory loss? Idk ether.)

“Eh?! What do you MEAN you’ve never done this before?! You’ve always been such a liar! You haven’t changed a bit, have you?! Whatever bruh… GET ON YOUR STUPID FEET!! Let’s KICK their can TOGETHER! ONE LAST TIME!!”

“WAIT BUT SIR-“

“GET UP NOW!!!”

Kevin took control because Matthew was TOO DAMN CONFUSED AND STRESSED OUT to process on what’s happening. Kevin didn’t even pick up the ball and just climbed on to the stage but Terry followed after you with the ball gave it to you. And that’s when the EPIC FIGHT STARTS-

(Great now it’s just funny not epic..) anyways you just punch two of them feeling no remorse or whatsoever when Kevin was in control but you still took the ball from Terry for other reasons. While Matthew just calmed down from stressing WAY TOO HARD and Jack was kinda panicking but seeing the situation is now in under control for a while he was just grateful that it was ALL OKAY. But for Terry he looked… not so surprised about it like he’s seen it before…? Weird am I right? Yeah..? Okay I’ll continue what’s happening next sorry..😞

“How… interesting. How… FASCINATING. Never… NEVER did I expect this. An enigma, free of conventional order and wisdom… How… Insultant. And yet… it seems so different… Ah. Then there is no need to worry. You’re just PATHETIC KIDS IN A BODY MADE OF CLAY AND DOUGH wear facades of revolutionaries.”

“OH SHUT UP!! WHAT DO YOU KNOW?!”

“As prayers are not born from the lives of the bliss. Oh… vessel of suffering… Let us strive to unravel the mysteries of this world. As we perform our own choreography… To the melodies of a timeless choir. Let us… strive. To make right what ALWAYS should’ve been remembered.”

“No!! Please!! This ISN’T supposed to happen yet!!—!!!”

“That device! Aim for the device, dude!! And don’t smash it or punch it!!!”

“FINE!”

You had the ball in your hands and aim it at the device which caused it suck you, the mysterious figure, AND David Baszucki like a black hole and all you heard was people panicking.. screaming.. running towards the exit.. it ALL reminds you of the hour of joy and your vision fades to black as you passed out cold. Only bits of memories of your friends, the safe haven, all those fun times together with them is all over…

Tutorial Terry:

“Hey, Wake up.”

Huh…? What??? Five more minutes dad…

“Get up, goober…”

THE ADVENTURES BEGIN!!!

Note: yeah I know I never really write my ideas but I couldn’t hold it in so yeah some of the characters can occ and cringe so keep that in mind anyways… have a great afternoon/day/night!!!

[heybillyheyron]

as somebody, a student, in medicine, the lounge interaction between Dr. Langdon and Dr. King hit me harder than i initially realized. and it's not because I ship them (you do you, though!) but because i felt like i was being spoken to? in a way? sensitive isn't something you want to be in a field like this one; at least that's always been the perception. sympathy is good, of course! but being sensitive? i shared a sentiment much like Whittaker's when Dr. King said she had an emotional response to death.

"Got to be kind of tough for a doctor."

when Dr. Langdon was sitting with Dr. King in the lounge, i was convinced i knew where that scene was heading. "You're sitting here feeling like.. like maybe you're not up to it? [...] Been there. We've all been there." i thought, 'okay! we're bonding!' "Mel, you're a sensitive person." oh. "This.. this is a tough place for sensitive people." aaaandddd there it is!

"Maybe you should consider something else."

"This might just not be for you."

etc, etc.. in my mind, something like this should have followed. because, well, it's true, right? you can't be sensitive and be in emergency medicine. that's like.. being deaf and a musician! right? you just.. can't.

turns out, i didn't know, and instead of steering Dr. King elsewhere, to a different specialty or program, Dr. Langdon said that sensitive people were needed. badly.

"But we need them badly."

just like that. and i remember my mind was elsewhere the rest of that scene. because what? it kept rolling around in my head like a water bottle between car seats. needed. sensitive people like Dr. King, like me, were— are needed. if you wish to go into medicine, you may relate to this sentiment, but there is something so, i guess, paramount, about being needed. it is amongst the driving forces because you know that even if it's hard, even if it's scary or chaotic or just a mess, you are needed. your help has a place and it's guaranteed an outcome. its beautiful. it's anchoring.

anytime i was asked what i wanted to go into, i chose the safest option. what i knew wouldn't fail me: pediatrics. it's lively in there! laughter, babbling, cries that need a little bouncing to soothe.. and minimal death. because i can't handle that. but, for once, i find myself considering that maybe i can do emergency medicine. i had told myself for so long that i just couldn't. other medical students would ask me why (perhaps they saw something in me i didn't), i would go 'i have a strong reaction to death, that's a lot of what you see in the ER. i couldn't handle it.' and that seemed to be solid reasoning. nobody had ever told me that that could be what makes me a doctor. that it might be the very reason i’m needed.

i kinda felt like Dr. Langdon was telling me that.

now, this doesn't mean im set on emergency medicine. even if it means a lot, it's a TV show and i would feel superficial going in with that reason. maybe i wouldn't be able to handle it. i don't know. what i do know and what i have learned from The Pitt is this: doctors are still human. humans are social creatures and we feel things, big things, that sometimes we can't control. some of us are sensitive.

that doesn't make us weak.

that's what makes us human.

and that's beautiful.