#so that i wasn't a failure and i wouldnt get yelled at for anything less than As and Bs bc im 'such a smart kid' and i had to live up to it
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#i hate this capitalist hellscape that causes me to burst into tears at the thought having to work a shitty job for the rest of my life#if i cant make the things i initially enjoyed as a hobby into a successful career just to be able to pay for existing in said hellscape#if art falls through i have nothing to fall back on- its not like i can get a decent paying job with my college reading level#that's the only thing i was actually good at the rest was either fucking around and it working out or just looking up answers#so that i wasn't a failure and i wouldnt get yelled at for anything less than As and Bs bc im 'such a smart kid' and i had to live up to it#im really tired#i want to just- stop drawing for a while but what else is there for me to do? cant just play videogames or do my makeup all day#or sit around scrolling through tumblr or pinterest. there's nothing to do except just sit there and rot like i do every day#even though im legally an adult now i still cant drive and my permit expired a while ago and im still expected to follow mom like a baby#or a maid. i cleaned 8 coke cans off her side table next to the couch today. just from today#doesn't even count the bottles either. and would you guess who it is who has to trot downstairs and get her all those cokes? me.#every day its 'go get me a coke. no bring 2 and stick the other in the fridge' every few hours and its ALWAYS me#im tired#i just want to go somewhere and just lay down for a while#leave the house by myself for once#this days just been shit anyway#had a nightmare about mom being transphobic. had to listen to stupid true crime and far right fox news or whatever bullshit that comes on#im just so tired#i just dont want to draw anymore because ive stressed myself over it so much its just not enjoyable anymore and it feels like im forcing it#ive hit like- a plateau bc im not learning anything new or doing actual studies or paintings or whatever else there is#just draw the same shit over and over im only good at mimicking- cant even make anything new#im gonna delete this later#but i just need like- an actual hug from an actual real person and to be listened to and cared for for a while#elliot vents#elliot rambles#personal vent
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