#so so sorry this is late bubbie but i wanted to give u a nice response !!!!! i hope you’re having a good day <3 | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

bubbyleh · 4 years ago

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Good Things

angst w/ a happy ending cw for unethical science and trigger phrases word count: 8,569 (nice)

Dr. Coomer knows what he’s doing is very illegal and he could get in a lot of trouble. He does not work in Biological Research, and he has no clearance to be here, especially this late. But what else is he going to do, spend the night in his dorm room?

No way. Not since they agreed to go forward with the divorce. It’s stupid and dangerous, but hey, the worst thing he’s going to find is some half-disected cow or something.

And then he finds the tube.

He didn’t realize what it was at first, the back of it was metal and faced the door Coomer came in from. It was just a weird pillar in the middle of the room, he thought, until he found himself in front of it and realized. Suspended in a green liquid, lit by fluorescent lights inside and sleeping, there was a person. He’s wearing a medical gown, and there’s an oxygen mask and other monitoring equipment strapped to him.

“My goodness,” Coomer says without meaning to.

The person in the tube cracks an eye open, clearly having heard him and woken up. He glares at him before moving his hands in a manner that Coomer recognizes as sign language.

Too bad Coomer’s very rusty. Crap, he thinks he still has his old books somewhere. He waves and shrugs with an apologetic smile.

The tube person rolls his eyes, before exaggeratedly pointing at Coomer. Then, by making a hook with his left hand and a fist with his right, he makes the shape of a question mark.

Clearly this man can hear him, so Coomer clears his throat. “Well, I’m Dr. Harold Coomer,” he introduces himself. “I work in Waste Disposal. Who are you, then?”

The question catches the stranger off-guard. He looks around as if confused by who Coomer could be addressing, his dark hair swishing after him. When he turns back, he points to the base of the tube, where Coomer notices for the first time the placard at the bottom.

BU-33Y

“Huh,” Coomer remarks, squinting at the name slightly. “So you’re Bubby, then?”

He facepalms, but the name sticks.

☆*☆

[B is the department. U is the project designation.]

Coomer nods along as Bubby explains his name. He’d been surprised when Coomer returned a week after their first encounter, doubly so when he could actually understand the signs he used. Bubby still seemed apprehensive to speak with Coomer, but he didn’t tell him to leave.

[33 is my number, Y refers to the batch I come from.]

Bubby had told him a lot about himself, or rather, the project he originates from. The Ultimate Lifeform, Black Mesa’s attempt to make a perfect scientist. Incredibly intelligent, superhuman abilities, and government property. Eventually his testing is going to involve him working among other scientists, a prospect Coomer is thrilled by.

“Batch?” Coomer questions. He feels somewhat awkward, sitting in front of the tube. Bubby doesn’t seem to mind, though.

[Same genetic code,] Bubby winces at the thought. [My brothers, I guess. I’m the youngest.]

“Well, where are the other thirty-two, then?” Coomer asks. “And all the other batches?”

Bubby looks past Coomer, deeper into Biological Research. [Gone. Some of them are around, kind of.] For the first time, Coomer notices fear on his companion’s face. [They were out too long. They died, or fell apart.] He kicks, legs swishing through the green tube goo.

“But you’re not going to, right?” Coomer has to know. He’s just met Bubby, so maybe his attachment is a little much, but this person is so smart, so witty, so intelligent! To think he could just… stop being, one day.

[No,] Bubby’s got a confident smirk on his face, but his hands are shaking. [They’re working to fix it. I’m gonna be out of here for good someday.]

☆*☆

Their meetings continue for months. Coomer doesn't bring up his impending divorce with Bubby, mostly because he doesn't want to think about it. It isn’t a crime to want to hold onto the one person who doesn't look at him with pity these days! Besides, Bubby always redirects conversation away from his own feelings, why the hell would he listen to Coomer’s?

Well, part of that assumption is challenged when Coomer finds Bubby in his tube, fidgeting with his fingers with a distant look in his eyes. He doesn’t even notice Coomer at first.

“Good evening, Bubby!” Coomer grins, putting on his best friendly face. Bubby startles, going rigid almost like a goat. “Is something troubling you?”

Bubby shakes his head almost immediately, but seems to pause upon making eye contact with Coomer. He looks away as he signs, [Actually, you might be able to help me with this.]

“Ah, what do you need?” Coomer takes a seat in front of the tube, as he often does when he comes to see Bubby. He waits patiently while Bubby struggles to find his words.

[Do you remember what you told me last week?] Bubby starts, but after Coomer gives him a lost look, he adds, [About being a man.]

Oh, Coomer remembered! He’d been showing off the enhancements he’d received from the Cybernetics department, because while Bubby was familiar with their work, seeing it firsthand was a whole other thing entirely. Bubby was trying to downplay the fact that he was marvelling his Extendo-Arms™ when Coomer mentioned that they had done a few of his transition surgeries as well.

The look of pure confusion on Bubby’s face would be something Coomer always cherished. He gave him a brief explanation on gender identity, sadly not touching on the more intricate details due to time restraints. But Bubby had gotten the gist of it! And now he was asking to know more? It was a scenario Coomer could only dream of.

“Of course I remember!” Coomer exclaims. “Would you like me to elaborate on some of the points I made? I know I had to leave before we could get into my own lived experience, but I hope the general descriptions were adequate!”

[I’ve been thinking about it,] Bubby is obviously uncomfortable. [I’m not a man. Or a woman.]

Well that’s certainly not what Coomer was expecting, but that’s not a bad thing! Finally, a friend who also isn’t cis! He shakes his fists up and down in excitement, before rushing forward to scoop Bubby up in a big hug.

Sadly, there is still a glass wall between them. Coomer slams his face right into it.

Coomer hears Bubby laugh for the first time. Even though it’s muffled by the oxygen mask and tube, not to mention sounding more like a witch’s cackle than something joyful, it’s still the most beautiful thing Coomer has ever heard.

☆*☆

For a few days, Coomer misses his meetings with Bubby. Although they weren't operating on any real schedule before, Coomer had made sure his visits were occurring most nights. But after the divorce was finalized, well… he needed some time by himself.

Bubby’s rapping their knuckles against the glass the second they see Coomer, clearly trying to get his attention. There are less wires connected to them than before, the vast collection reduced to only their oxygen mask.

“Hello Bubby!” Coomer greets apologetically. “I’m sorry for my absence recently, I had a bit of an issue…”

But Bubby clearly isn’t listening. They’re enthusiastic to the point of stimming, excitedly pointing at the large button on the other side of the room.

Coomer walks over to the button and inspects it. It’s been here all this time, yes, but he’s never really thought much about what it does. “You want me to press this?” he clarifies.

Bubby nods, hands flapping so fast there’s no way they could stop to sign. They have that evil look in their eye again, the one that reminds Coomer how vibrant they are and makes his heart skip a beat. He presses the button without hesitation.

Immediately, the liquid in the tube begins to drain, and Coomer worries for a moment that this is going to kill Bubby. But the way they’re lightly kicking against the tube wall, anxious and thrilled beyond measure, tells Coomer that this is exactly what they wanted.

Finally, the tube water is gone, and the glass drops. Bubby takes one step forward, then slips in some of the liquid left at the bottom.

“FUCK!” they yell. It’s the first word Coomer ever hears them say.

“Oh dear, Bubby!” Coomer’s at their side in an instant, helping them sit back up. “Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Bubby shoos away Coomer’s helpful hands. Their voice is almost exactly what Coomer expected, pointed and snarky. They shoot a glare at him. “Where the hell have you been? I got the all clear that I’m not going to fall apart yesterday.”

Coomer winces, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck. Bubby doesn’t even know he was married, let alone in the middle of a bitter divorce up until recently.

“I, um,” he stammers. “I had something happen?”

Bubby rolls their eyes. “No shit.” They take Coomer’s hand. “Can you grab my glasses for me? You’re about to watch me burn shit.”

Coomer tries to ignore the burning feeling in his face and chest when he looks at their hands, instead focusing on the burning feeling that comes from standing way too close to Bubby’s fire.

☆*☆

Things change very quickly after that. Bubby gets their neural implants put in—which they’re rightfully pissy about—but they’re moving forward. After all, limiting the government secrets you can tell is a sign that you’ll soon be around people who don’t know them. Besides, Coomer already knows anything they would have told him without the barrier, so they’ll always have him around!

Just mentioning that halts Bubby’s thrashing against the metal walls and medical equipment. Their hands still, their expression softens, and they tilt their head slightly, as if in wonder of the man in front of them.

Coomer feels seen in a way he never has before.

☆*☆

They wait a few days after Bubby’s “release into the wild” (as Coomer calls it) before visiting with each other again. Give Bubby a few days at work and the plausible deniability that he met Coomer during that time. But now that time is up, and Coomer’s excited to hear how Chemical Engineering has been treating his friend!

His friend. Coomer has long since accepted he has a bit of a crush on Bubby, which is kind of embarrassing to admit as he’s rapidly approaching forty years old. When you constantly catch yourself thinking about running your hand through your friend’s hair, though, or wondering what it would be like to kiss him with all those sharp teeth… it’s obvious at that point.

In stark contrast from before, Bubby visits Coomer’s dorm room. He insists that his own is nowhere near ready to receive guests in, and he’d much rather see what a lived-in space should look like. Coomer doesn’t mention he only got downgraded to this singles’ dorm a month ago.

The second he steps in, while Coomer tries to avoid thinking about how good he looks in actual clothes, Bubby starts complaining.

“What the fuck!? Why do you have a better dorm than me?!” Bubby gestures around him. “You’ve got, like, three different rooms here!”

“I’ve been working for Black Mesa for almost twenty years, Bubby!” Coomer explains. “I have a bit of seniority over you.”

Bubby rolls his eyes. “Big deal, I’ve practically been working here for thirty-eight years! That’s more than you!” He crosses his arms and grumbles about favoritism.

Coomer puts all his energy into ignoring how adorable Bubby looks when he’s grumpy.

☆*☆

“Harold! What do you mean you’re divorced!?”

They’re sitting on the couch in Coomer’s dorm, Bubby clutching one of his throw pillows. It hurt to bring up, but Coomer figures that Bubby would have found out eventually. He really didn’t want them to hear about it from a colleague of theirs that was an acquaintance at best.

“Well, I am!” Coomer attempts to keep a tone of cheerfulness in his voice. “The proceedings started just before I met you, and everything’s been finalized for a few months now.”

Bubby stands, and Coomer’s afraid for a moment that they're about to start lecturing him on trust.

They point a finger at him. “You’re telling me you have an ex we could have been bashing this whole time?!”

☆*☆

Though it takes a while, Bubby finally relents and allows Coomer to come over to their dorm, and while it’s much smaller, he loves it more than his own. It’s cozy! The two of them have to sit on the bed to watch TV, since there isn’t enough room for a couch.

Which is exactly what they’re doing. Coomer has a lot of media he plans on catching Bubby up on, prioritizing his own favorites! But they are currently watching an action movie, which he knows they’ll both enjoy. Acts of heroism and explosions? It’s like the industry was made entirely for the two of them!

They’re sitting very close, Bubby practically leaning against him. Not that Coomer’s complaining, they’re practically a heater. And given how far underground they are, he’s taking any source of warmth he can get. The physical contact is also making him very flustered, and thus, more body heat!

A huge explosion rocks the screen, and Coomer laughs. “See, Bubby! I told you there would be something in here for you!”

“Huh?” Bubby mumbles and sits up. They’re clearly rubbing their eyes.

“Bubby, have you been asleep?” Coomer asks, already knowing the answer.

They blink, the fog clearly leaving their brain. “Oh,” Bubby says, as if realizing that’s what happened. “Yeah, so what? It’s my room.”

“You have company!”

Bubby squints at Coomer, before removing their glasses. “I don’t see any company.”

“Bubby! You can still hear me!”

“The world is just blurry shapes now! For all I know, I’m alone!”

Oh, well if someone’s going to be childish, then Coomer can play their game. Using Bubby’s reduced eyesight to his advantage, Coomer snatches their glasses from their hand. They gasp dramatically.

“Harold! How dare you!” Bubby attempts to swipe their glasses back, but it’s a little hard to do that when their hand-eye coordination is shot. Coomer holds the glasses above their heads, teasingly.

“What’s wrong, professor? Can’t find your glasses?” he grins, waggling the sight aids ever so mockingly.

Coomer was not expecting Bubby to tackle him to the bed. “It’s doctor, shut up!” they growl, reaching for his outstretched hand. “Give them back!”

He does his best to shove Bubby back, but since he’s not putting too much effort in, it’s no use. Finally, Bubby’s hand manages to find purchase on the glasses’ bridge. They yank their glasses back, shouting a triumphant “Aha!” as they do so.

Bubby returns their glasses to their rightful place, smirking with their shark-like teeth showing. “You thought you could-”

Coomer suddenly realizes how close their faces are to each other. And that Bubby’s practically got him pinned against the bed. His hand lingers on their stomach, halted in its effort to push Bubby away.

Bubby seems to as well, as they suddenly stop talking, their cheeks turning a bright red that Coomer’s sure matches his own. After the longest moment of stillness, they abruptly fall back, almost fearful.

“Fuck!” Bubby curls in on themself, gripping their temples with their hands. “That was- it was nothing!”

Coomer sits up, tentatively reaching a hand out. “Bubby…”

They slap his hand away. “Stop it, Harold!” Bubby’s tone is harsh, but Coomer can hear their voice cracking. “Just stop, okay?! It was nothing!” They’re practically about to pull their hair out of their head.

“Bubby!” Coomer grabs onto their wrists, bringing them between the two of them. He looks Bubby in the eye. “Calm down. Breathe with me, alright?”

Clearly biting down whatever they were going to say, Bubby nods as if it’s the only thing they can do. Slowly, Coomer sees the tension fall from their shoulders, their arms going slack. After a few rounds of breathing, Bubby gently draws their hands back, and Coomer lets them.

“Now, what’s the matter with you?” Coomer moves to sit beside Bubby. “And don’t you dare say it’s nothing, again.”

Bubby drops their head onto their knees. “I know you’re in love with me, Coomer. You’re like a puppy, it’s not hard to read you.”

Coomer sighs. This is a rejection, then? As a divorced man, Coomer should be used to this, but… he isn’t. Not from Bubby.

Bubby looks back up at him. “And I know what you want in a relationship, and it’s not me.”

Huh?

“Not you?” The concept is so absurd that Coomer’s sure he must not have heard them correctly.

“Actual person things!” Bubby gestures to the ceiling as they speak. “Like going to the surface, or living together, or going to nice restaurants!” They frown. “I can’t give you that.”

A beat passes while Coomer figures out how to respond to that.

“You know you’re wrong, right?”

Now it’s Bubby’s turn to look confused. “What?”

“While those things are nice, I don’t need any of them in a romantic relationship.” He takes Bubby’s hand. “I just need someone who’s nice to spend time with and is willing to put the effort in.”

Bubby’s face turns bright red again. “Oh,” they say, squeezing Coomer’s hand. “Well, I can do that.”

“Can you?” Coomer’s mostly joking, still riding the high of mutual romantic feelings, but Bubby takes it seriously.

“Of course I can!” They throw their arms around his shoulders, a stupid grin now spread across their face from cheek to cheek. “Just you wait, Harold, I’m going to romance the socks off of you!”

For the second time today, their faces are inches apart.

Bubby doesn’t back away this time. “I can kiss you, right?”

“Oh most definitely,” Coomer responds.

It turns out, kissing Bubby is everything Coomer had hoped it would be and more. Their lips are warm, and the feeling of them smiling into the kiss as they grip the back of his shirt, pulling him closer, is one he’ll never forget.

☆*☆

There are certain things you don’t notice about a person until you spend a night with them. After sharing a bed with Bubby a few times, Coomer comes to several realizations.

The first is that Bubby sleeps like a log. Seriously, Coomer would have expected them to be at least a little bit twitchy. But the second Bubby’s out, they aren’t moving again until the morning.

Which is difficult in combination with the second item: Bubby is a clinger. It’s cute to see someone who’s usually so standoffish be completely affectionate at night, but not so much when Coomer feels pins and needles in his arm and he’s physically incapable of moving it out from between the two of them without waking his partner.

And waking them up is a bad idea because of the third realization, which is that Bubby is not a morning person in the slightest. Coomer already had a sense of this from their first meeting, but Bubby absolutely HATES waking up for the day. They practically need to be lured to the lab with a trail of coffee mugs every morning.

But their annoying sleeping habits aside, Coomer thinks it’s worth it. After all, he gets to hold Bubby for a whole night! Listening to them breathing, running his hand through their hair (they’re starting to go gray), he has never felt more at peace.

☆*☆

Coomer finds Bubby waiting for him outside his dorm room, standing there with his arms crossed and tapping his foot rapidly. His scowl immediately melts into a smile the second he spots him.

“Well, hello there Bubby!” Coomer waves. “What are you doing here so early? I thought our departments let out at the same time.”

“Harold, you will not believe the day I’ve had.” Bubby places a hand on Coomer’s back, serving as both affection and a way to rush him through unlocking the door. “Some idiot almost blew up the entire lab!”

Coomer turns the key and opens the door. “Well that’s not good! What happened?”

Bubby brushes past him, plopping himself on the couch with great flourish. “The man was clearly ignoring proper lab safety! The whole experiment burst into flames while his back was turned!” He seems strangely satisfied as he speaks, a look Coomer would know anywhere. “We got the rest of the day off because of his arrogance.”

Taking a seat next to him, Coomer narrows his eyes at Bubby. “Darling, you didn’t.”

“I didn’t say anything!” Bubby raises his hands in the air, feigning innocence long enough that Coomer almost begins to feel bad. Then he gets that wicked grin on his face again. “I did, though. I spent the afternoon eating chips in my dorm, and it was a million times better than working for this hell facility.”

“Bubby! You were supposed to bring those chips here with you!” Coomer chides him, but in reality, he doesn’t care that much. He’s proud his wonderful partner fucked over the system just a bit.

Bubby stares at him blankly for a moment. “Oh yeah! I forgot about that.” He shrugs. “They were good, though.”

“I’m sure they were,” Coomer sighs, but his obvious smile shows no ill-will behind it.

☆*☆

Over the years, the folks over at Biological Research get a bit more lenient with Bubby. They’re finally able to see some of Black Mesa's surface facilities, which are mostly just a few upper-level labs. The only condition is that Bubby is not allowed to leave the property.

That’s fine for both of them, though. There’s a lot to do on the surface if you’ve never been there before, and they end up sitting in the sunshine together, talking about things they definitely would have talked about below-ground as well. Bubby seems to enjoy the sun on their skin, acting a lot like a lizard basking in a bright light.

“I see you’re having fun,” Coomer chuckles.

Bubby is laying flat on their back, and even though Coomer knows they’ll yell at him for letting them lay down in the dirt, right now he can’t bring himself to stop them.

“It’s so warm out, Harold!” Bubby exclaims, wearing the happiest grin ever. “You know I love the warm!”

When the sky begins to darken and the temperature cools, Bubby sits back up and scooches over to join Coomer against one of the rock outcroppings that litter Black Mesa. They stretch their arm out, subtly wrapping it around Coomer’s shoulders and leaning their head against his.

“You know I love you, Harold,” they whisper. Coomer has never seen them look so peaceful before.

Coomer beams, taking hold of Bubby’s free hand and kissing his partner at the same time. “Of course,” he replies. “And I love you.”

They’re quiet for a few minutes, watching the last of the sun’s rays dip below the horizon. Bubby’s gaze turns to the stars above them. Being out in the middle of nowhere, Black Mesa has very little light pollution. No matter how bright the stars may look, though, Coomer thinks there’s no way they can be brighter than Bubby’s eyes right now.

“They can’t program stuff like this into a person,” Bubby remarks, eyes still glued to the sky. “I’ve known about stars and love my whole life, but…” They falter, their expression becoming grim for the briefest of seconds. Then, they look back at Coomer. “Experiencing it is something different.”

Coomer doesn’t need to respond, not vocally. He pulls Bubby into the biggest bear hug he can muster.

“Ack! Coomer!” Bubby grunts. “Not all of us are ninety-percent metal!”

“Forty-seven point five!” Coomer corrects them, but he releases Bubby with an apologetic head pat. “I’m sorry, though. I just love you too much! I want to hug you all the time!”

Bubby’s face goes red immediately. Even after all these years together, Coomer can still make them blush as though it were their first date all over again.

“Yeah! W-well!” they stammer. “Good! You should want to do that!”

Choking back his laughter, Coomer pulls Bubby in for another, more gentle hug.

☆*☆

They’re curled up on his couch late one night, watching an old movie when Coomer decides to bring up the elephant in the room.

Coomer stops running his hand through Bubby’s hair. “Your hairline is receding. You know that, right?”

Bubby immediately sits up from where he was resting on Coomer’s chest. “Shut the fuck-”

“I was just saying!”

“I do not want to hear it!”

“Bubby, dear, you’re completely gray already. My hairline is also receding!”

“Yeah, well.” Bubby crosses his arms, turning away from Coomer. “You’re a year older than me, so that makes sense.”

Coomer shakes his head. “Well, I suppose there’s only one way to settle this.”

Bubby gasps. “You wouldn’t!” He scrambles to the other side of the couch. “Stay away from me, you bastard!”

“A fight to the death!”

And with that, Coomer lunges.

☆*☆

All good things must come to an end. It’s a concept Coomer is intimately familiar with.

☆*☆

The morning begins in Coomer’s kitchenette, Bubby hunched over the table drinking their coffee out of a mug that says “Total Stud” on it. A gift from three years ago. As they rub the sleep from their eyes, Coomer bounces around preparing breakfast for the both of them.

“You’re heading back down to Biological Research again today, aren’t you?” Coomer asks over his shoulder as he fries a few eggs.

Out of the corner of his eye, Coomer spots Bubby signing, [Yes.] Must be a rough morning, then.

“Medical checkup?” Coomer asks, slipping their eggs onto two plates and serving one to his partner. But Bubby ignores him. They pointedly hold the mug with both hands, taking a long and drawn-out sip.

Coomer bites his cheek as he sits across from Bubby. “You know, they’re dragging me into another meeting down there today.”

[Clone thing?] Bubby absentmindedly picks at their eggs. Scrambled, just how they like them.

“I believe so,” Coomer sighs. “You’re sure it’s different from you?”

Bubby nods. [It’s just you in two bodies. Wasn’t like that for me.]

While it’s a relief that there aren’t going to be any more children brought up in Black Mesa like Bubby was, Coomer’s still not entirely sure he likes the implications of the alternative. A hivemind of himself just wandering around the facility? Is that something he wants?

“But, anyway.” Coomer got sidetracked. “I was thinking we could head down there toge-”

That wakes Bubby up more than coffee ever could. “No!” they shout, rising from their chair in an instant. The second they register their panic, though, it’s gone. “It’s… we shouldn’t go together. I’ll probably leave after we eat.”

Maybe it’s the way they look into his eyes, like a caged animal, but something about what Bubby says next sticks with him for the rest of the day.

“They aren’t good people, Harold.”

☆*☆

Coomer catches sight of Bubby as he’s rushed into one of the offices, through a window into a test chamber. They’re back in a medical gown again (that hurts to see), shoulders slumped as a scientist speaks to them. Their eyes meet for the briefest of seconds, Bubby offering him a small smile, which Coomer returns.

Then the scientist snaps at Bubby, who immediately goes rigid and turns away from Coomer.

☆*☆

“To put it simply, Dr. Coomer, the sequencing of your DNA is ideal for mass-producing clones.”

The man in front of him—Dr. Daniels, as the nameplate on his desk reads—smirks as he speaks, and it isn’t at all close to the endearing ones Bubby has. It’s cold, calculating, and makes Coomer want to squirm. When you’re the head of Biological Research, you get to be intimidating.

In the back of his head, Coomer hears Bubby’s warning. ‘They aren’t good people, Harold.’

“How did you get my DNA in the first place?” Coomer inquires, because he knows for a fact he hasn’t given them any.

Dr. Daniels just laughs at him, more mocking than assuring. “Cybernetics had a few samples on record, in the event of complications during surgery,” he says. “It wasn’t hard to get ahold of them.”

Coomer frowns. Damn, he didn’t think those were still around. ‘They aren’t good people, Harold.’

“You see, I’m worried about the shared consciousness,” Coomer looks for an out. There’s a strange noise in the hallway, but it’s easy enough to ignore. “They’d just be mindless extensions of myself?”

“That’s a simplification, but yes,” Dr. Daniels begins rifling through his desk drawers. “I apologize, I swear I had a paper here that would explain it better.” His brow furrows, but he’s interrupted when

CRASH!!

Another noise from the hallway, this time even louder than before. And people are shouting. It startles the both of them.

Dr. Daniels grumbles, “What the hell is happening out there?”

The office door flies off its hinges in a fiery burst of energy, and a figure steps in. And figure is the right word, because it’s difficult to make out any features beyond pure black and literally engulfed in flame.

Oh fuck.

That’s Bubby, isn’t it?

They look between the two people in the office, finally settling on Dr. Daniels. They point towards him as they speak.

“You.” Their voice is full of malice, more than Coomer’s ever heard from them before. They take a shambling step forward, leaving a trail of fires and scorch marks behind them as they walk. “Get away from him.”

But Dr. Daniels makes no move. “Now, now, Subject 33, there’s no need for this.”

Bubby is careful to avoid Coomer in his approach, made easier by the fact that Coomer has retreated to the side of the office. He can’t really escape without jumping through fire, and, well…

He can’t leave Bubby.

“I’m not going to let you hurt him,” Bubby hisses, climbing onto the desk and raising a hand to strike. “Not like you hurt me.”

Dr. Daniels isn’t afraid. He only shoots a disappointed glance Coomer’s way. “I see.”

He turns his attention back to Bubby. “Thirty-three drop.”

They’re just words, but they have an obvious effect on Bubby. Their flames extinguish immediately, leaving them smoking slightly. Their limbs go slack, and they fall backwards off the desk.

For a moment, Coomer is convinced Daniels killed them.

“What a shame,” Daniels walks around the desk, grabbing onto the back of Bubby’s medical gown. “You were doing such good work in Chemical Engineering. We’ll have to move you, now.”

As Daniels drags Bubby behind him, Coomer meets their eyes again. Despite the limpness in their body, Bubby is wide awake and begging, pleading for help.

But Coomer is frozen still.

Daniels unceremoniously drops Bubby in the hallway, calling out to the survivors of Bubby’s rampage to put them back in the tube for now. He closes the door after that and looks at Coomer.

“Now, as for you…”

‘They aren’t good people, Harold.’

☆*☆

All good things must come to an end.

But, thinking back on it, Bubby wasn’t just a good thing. No, the term “good thing” is not enough to describe the impact they left on Harold Coomer’s life. He knows it isn’t, not with the way he wakes up cold every morning, reaching for a warmth that isn’t there. Coomer finds himself boxing up leftovers more often than not, making enough food for two out of habit. He cries whenever he finds something in his dorm that Bubby left behind, like their mug or a sweater.

All good things must come to an end, but Bubby was more than that. Bubby was always more than people wanted them to be, everyone except Coomer. And when you spend so long living with so much, the absence is terrifyingly empty.

Bubby was an inferno. Bubby was the stars in their eyes. Bubby was passion, and intellect, and bravery, and cowardice, all in one.

Bubby was loved.

☆*☆

It goes like this.

Coomer is transferred to Biological Research, where they can keep an eye on him. He is not given a choice. He will participate in the cloning experiments, and he’ll live with it.

Bubby’s been transferred somewhere else. Their dorm has been moved. Coomer is not to speak with them again, under any circumstance.

Life continues, but it doesn’t move on.

☆*☆

Several times a day, Coomer catches himself thinking about Bubby.

‘What are they doing right now?’

‘Where are they?’

‘I miss them.’

‘Bubby would love this.’

‘Bubby would hate this.’

‘I should tell Bubby about this!’

It always hurts.

☆*☆

Coomer has to figure out grounding methods on his own. Everytime a new clone pops out, a piece of Coomer disappears for good. He loses items more often, because his thoughts strayed to a clone’s at just the wrong second. He still remembers things, but it’s getting harder and harder everyday. Some days his head is cloudy, and he can’t quite figure out what it is he’s supposed to do at work.

If Bubby were here, they would make fun of him. Yeah, they were kind of a jerk, weren’t they? A loving, wonderful jerk. But they wouldn’t have complained, there’s no doubt in Coomer’s mind.

Some days, when he wakes up, Coomer doesn’t remember that Bubby’s not by his side anymore.

☆*☆

Things don’t get better, but over the course of fifteen years, they do get easier.

Coomer starts making friends again, a young man by the name of Gordon Freeman. Coomer can tell he’s stressed out being so young in such a competitive field (especially working in Anomalous Materials, the things he’s heard about that department…), so maybe he takes a bit of a mentorship role to him.

It’s nice. They’ve known each other for a year at this point, and, well, he’s kind of like the son Coomer never had.

Gordon mentions that there’s a big test coming up, apparently his team is pulling other Anomalous Materials teams in just to make sure everything runs smoothly. And though it’s complicated, his job is rather simple. Push a crystal into a laser!

What could go wrong?

☆*☆

Of course Coomer shows up the day of the test to support Gordon! He hasn’t got anything better to do today, so he might as well see what all the fuss is over at Anomalous Materials.

It’s easy enough to bullshit his way past their front desk, having a million clones of yourself running around means there’s a million spots for you to fill should you need to. He briefly greets Gordon in the locker room, wishing him luck as he hurries on his way.

But, finally, he finds his way to the control room. The perfect place to watch from!

There are two scientists inside, both of whom are tall and lanky. One’s pretty young, Coomer thinks he must be around his mid-thirties. And the other-

“I swear to you, Tommy, this man says-”

He stops the second he spots the intruder, face slightly twitching in a way Coomer knows means he's resisting wincing. He’s lost more of his hair since Coomer last saw him, and though it’s been fifteen years, he’s aged pretty well, all things considered.

“Bubby?” The name comes tumbling out of Coomer’s mouth before he can stop himself. There's no way…

That does something to the scientist, dropping his stern expression for something softer. “Harold? Is that really-”

They’re interrupted by a clattering noise in the test chamber, all three of them turning to see Gordon has entered, accompanied by a security guard.

“Fuck,” Bubby swears. “What the hell is he doing?”

The other scientist, Tommy, preoccupies himself with yelling back and forth with the security guard.

“Tommy, do you know this man?” Bubby snaps (Coomer doesn’t remember him being this standoffish), appearing annoyed when he receives no answer.

“You know, he didn’t bring his passport!” Coomer jokes, trying to lighten the mood but…

Bubby is pointedly looking away from him, his attention focused on the computer terminal in front of him. He keeps mumbling about how fucked the technology in this part of the facility is, and honestly, Coomer agrees. Why they’re having Anomalous Materials run such high-risk tests in such a poor state, he has no idea. It’s like they’re asking for something terrible to happen.

And something does.

Things get worse as the test continues. The Anti-Mass Spectrometer begins to smoke, the computers in the control room are clearly on the fritz, and Bubby is still ignoring Coomer. But everything goes wrong after the crystal sample is placed in the laser.

They attempt to shut the Anti-Mass Spectrometer down, but it doesn’t work. Electricity arches throughout the room, striking the walls and loosening panels. All at once, an explosion rocks the test chamber, sending the three scientists ducking to the floor.

While Coomer doesn’t understand whatever the hell just happened, Bubby and Tommy certainly do. The second the test chamber stills, they rush out of the control room, heading two separate directions.

Some little part of Coomer’s heart that remained intact shatters.

☆*☆

Between all the zombies and aliens wandering around and the sheer destruction that’s been wrought on the facility, it’s quite obvious that Black Mesa has become defunct. As their team of five travels through the depths of their workplace, Coomer revels in the fact that he finally has an opportunity to get rid of these clones. With each of their deaths, it’s like a part of himself comes back.

Bubby catches on. Coomer occasionally spots him taking out a clone from the corner of his eyes.

That first night, after they all stop to rest, Coomer is surprised that Bubby chooses to sit next to him. After a full day of nothing from Bubby, Coomer had thought he was losing him all over again.

“This is the end of Black Mesa, isn’t it?” Bubby asks. Despite their proximity, he still won’t face Coomer.

Coomer looks out at the sleeping forms of their companions. Gordon is still stuck in his Hazard Suit, which probably makes sleeping even more uncomfortable. Tommy, meanwhile, has taken off his lab coat and bunched it up into a pillow.

“I believe so, Bubby,” Coomer admits.

Bubby sighs, but it’s not disappointment. It’s relief. Coomer is shocked to feel him take his hand into his own.

“It’s good to see you again, Harold,” he finally confesses. “You won’t believe how much I missed you.”

Coomer chuckles. “I have some idea.” Every nerve in his hand is buzzing, and if he was too old for this when he and Bubby first started dating, then he’s definitely too old now.

“So what are we doing, then?” Bubby’s being vague on purpose.

“Well, we should probably…” Coomer’s thoughts drift back to their final encounter, “talk. About everything. And then, I suppose, if you’ll have me…” He looks to Bubby, hope in his eyes.

Bubby scoffs, trying to keep his voice down. He leans his head against Coomer. “Seriously? You want to pick up where we left off fifteen years later?”

“I don’t see why we couldn’t!” Coomer says. “Who’s around to stop us now?”

Instead of arguing, Bubby lets his head drop down to Coomer’s shoulder. “You have a point,” he whispers after stifling a yawn. “We’ll talk in the morning?”

“We do need our rest,” Coomer concedes, resting his head atop Bubby. “Goodnight, then.”

Bubby falls asleep fast, like he always did. As for Coomer, despite the two of them laying against a concrete wall, it’s the best sleep he’s gotten in years.

☆*☆

While Bubby sticks to Coomer’s side like glue, it’s clear they’re avoiding being alone with him. They’ll slyly take ahold of his hand as the two of them walk side-by-side, but the second the team rounds a corner ahead of them, they’re dragging Coomer forward while shouting “We’re going to be left behind!”

They still haven’t talked about that last day.

But Coomer finds himself unable to complain too much. Having Bubby with him again, smiling and laughing, holding them… it’s everything he ever wanted.

☆*☆

When they finally make it back to the surface, Gordon has a great idea.

“Why don’t we just climb?” He gestures to the rocks in front of them. “Why don’t we just go over the rocks and fucking get out of here? We’re at the surface…”

Bubby tries to deter him, reminding Gordon that they’re in the middle of nowhere, but Coomer gets an idea.

“I could always try to clear the mountaintops with my SuperLegs,” he suggests, and when he doesn’t hear no, he goes for it.

He’s up there for but a few seconds, but what he sees beyond the walls of Black Mesa shakes him to his core.

There’s nothing there.

☆*☆

After the rocket launch, Coomer catches Bubby staring out the window instead of sleeping. Their eyes are trained on the night sky, watching the stars twinkle with a determination Coomer’s never seen before.

“Bubby,” Coomer calls out to them, shocking them from whatever trance they’re in. “You should really sleep.”

To be honest, it’s more for his sake than theirs. He just needs to feel Bubby by his side, tonight more so than any.

“Right,” Bubby moves back to Coomer’s side, nestling their face into his shoulder. “When you- I didn’t realize you were telling the truth, earlier.”

Coomer sighs. “You saw it too?”

They nod, mumbling, “There’s really nothing out there, is there?”

What do you do when facing down the limits of your own reality? What is there to do but seek comfort in that which makes you feel human?

☆*☆

Bubby's been whispering with Benrey. Occasionally the two of them will fall behind or run ahead of the group, mumbling to each other as they glance around nervously. While it is suspicious, Coomer knows Bubby! He hasn't heard anything terrible from him!

But still, he is acting rather strange.

"Bubby, dearest?" Coomer asks. Bubby is apparently back in one of his clingy moods, as he wrapped his arms around Coomer the second everyone decided to take a break and refused to let go.

Something about the word "dearest" irks Bubby. His eye twitches, which is definitely not the effect it had on him fifteen years ago.

"What?" Bubby's obviously fighting against a harsh tone, a contrast to the fact he's currently holding onto Coomer for dear life.

"I wanted to make sure you were doing alright, after yesterday," Coomer continues. "You’ve been on edge today."

Bubby grimaces. "Maybe it's the alien invasion we're fighting off."

"You know that's a flimsy excuse."

"What does it matter?" Bubby huffs. "What does any of this matter?"

In all his years of comforting Bubby, of offering words of encouragement in the face of dire circumstances, Coomer has never fallen short of words like he has now. How can he provide him with answers that he himself is reaching for?

Bubby notices his hesitance and sighs, tired. His eyes are stern and hollow. Without another word he stands, joining the rest of the group and leaving Coomer behind.

☆*☆

Coomer is too trusting. How many times over the years has Bubby called him a fool? Lambasted his desire to look for the good? 'The world isn't as kind as you imagine it, Harold, get your head out of the clouds.'

Bubby and Benrey betray Gordon. Walking towards that dreaded room, Coomer notices that same hollow expression on Bubby's face, his words betraying him.

A second before the lights go out on Gordon, Coomer sees the most twisted grin worm its way onto Bubby's face. A grin he can hear wiped away when Gordon screams in pain, knife tearing through flesh.

The whole time, Coomer is frozen in place. His PowerLegs feel more like stone than advanced cybernetic enhancements. His friend is being hurt, right in front of him! And he can’t…

He can’t..

Do anything.

It's fifteen years ago, all over again.

The second the thought crosses his mind, Coomer makes an excuse to run, hoping at least someone will follow him. He can't let this happen again, he can't be trapped by his own inaction! Gordon might be beyond saving, but they aren't!

Nobody pursues. Coomer finds himself wandering the halls of Black Mesa. Alone.

☆*☆

Stupid.

Useless.

Cowardly.

Selfish.

Spineless.

Coomer realizes it's no wonder he lost Bubby. He didn’t deserve them.

☆*☆

The clones end up being good for something after all.

When you have three hundred subhuman extensions of yourself, it turns out you have what could be described as a one-man army.

☆*☆

Coomer has a plan. Screw everything else, he's fucked up beyond measure in here. He is getting out of this game, one way or another.

He's got all the clones he could find, one surging attack should do the trick. After all, the man is suffering from a recent amputation, he shouldn't be that hard to take down. Well, Coomer didn't anticipate Tommy, but that's not too big of a wrench. He's knocked down, he stands, ready to fight again, but...

But he sees Gordon. So weak, so bloody, so delirious. And yet still walking.

The anger recedes. Coomer stands down, offering peace instead. Despite everything, he can’t bring himself to hate Gordon.

☆*☆

They find Bubby locked up in their tube, and with the way they enter the room, Coomer doesn't even realize they're in there at first.

Coomer is angry, he's furious at Bubby for their betrayal. They sold Gordon, their friend, out to the military! Of all people!

But seeing Bubby back in their tube, pounding on the glass, begging to be let out, for Gordon to understand they were tricked and lied to.

It isn't right.

If Coomer can get a second chance after the stunt he pulled, then Bubby can as well.

☆*☆

They stop for the night in a small room that they climbed into through the roof. As the group talks, Coomer sits next to Bubby, even lays near them when it's time to go to sleep. But he can tell, from the way their eyes keep glancing towards the bloody stump where Gordon's hand used to be, that their mind is elsewhere.

Bubby doesn't reach out for him at night, and after the day they've all had, Coomer isn't sure he should make the first move. Still, even subconsciously, they lay back-to-back as they sleep.

Until Coomer's back suddenly feels cold.

He sits up, noticing Bubby has woken up and is trying to worm their way back onto the roof. Their eyes meet for a moment, both of them silent before Bubby climbs up.

Coomer decides to follow.

The sight Coomer finds is not unfamiliar to him. Bubby sits on the roof, their knees drawn to their chest, gazing up at the starry sky above them. Their eyes are not full of their usual wonder. When Coomer sits down next to them, they finally speak.

"I fucked up," Bubby confesses, eyes still glued to the sky.

Coomer already knew that, but... "Do you want to talk about it?"

"I-" Bubby starts, but they swallow and try again. "When I saw the void, I thought that meant that nothing here mattered." Coomer wraps an arm around Bubby, and they lean into him. "That my whole life, what happened to us, it was all fake and meaningless."

"But we're real," Coomer says, not a lecture, but an affirmation. "We love, we feel pain, we have fun. To an extent, we're alive."

"That we are," Bubby agrees. They pause for a beat, before revealing, "I hated you."

Coomer remains quiet, mostly out of confusion.

Bubby pulls back to face him. "Biological Research knew the whole time that you were seeing me. They thought you were a good influence, so they didn't step in." They grip the sleeve of Coomer's lab coat. "But that day, they mentioned it to me, and I… I just snapped."

Vaguely, Coomer remembers Dr. Daniels saying he had "expended his usefulness" sometime before the cloning began.

"I wanted to protect you, Harold. You were the first good thing in my life, I couldn't let them hurt you," Bubby whimpers. "But when I needed your help, you didn't… you…"

Harold Coomer froze.

Something clicks in the back of his mind. When the soldiers attacked Gordon, Bubby knew that Coomer wouldn't act.

Bubby yanks Coomer back to their chest, holding him as close as possible. "I blamed you, and I hated that I blamed you, and I loved you. Harold, those first years without you were awful."

Coomer can hear Bubby crying, and he knows he's doing the same.

"I'm sorry," Coomer sobs into their shirt, hugging Bubby just as tightly as they hug him. "My darling Bubby, I am so, so sorry."

"Don't say that," Bubby repeats it like a mantra every time Coomer apologizes. "Harold, don't you dare say that."

☆*☆

They make it to the end. They're loomed over by the twisted monstrosity that is Benrey. They destroy their passports, and pour everything they can into knocking this bastard down once and for all.

Bubby erupts in flames, his body once again becoming a vague silhouette. Unlike the last time he saw this sight, Coomer feels no dread. There is no pit in his stomach.

This is elation.

☆*☆

They share their first kiss in years in a Chuck E. Cheese, of all places. After watching the two of them dance around each other for five days, Gordon finally feels comfortable enough to ask them what the hell their relationship status is.

Coomer opens his mouth to answer, but Bubby has a better idea. He tilts Coomer's face towards his own, leans in, and kisses him right on the lips.

It's like nothing has changed in fifteen years. When they kiss, it's like they're young all over again.

☆*☆

They survive after the game. Bubby questions it aloud one day, but Coomer doesn't want to think about it. Whatever has happened that allows their continued existence, it's nothing short of a miracle.

Bubby and Coomer end up crashing in Gordon's house for a few days, considering they don't quite have a place of their own yet. On day three, Gordon's son Joshua calls both of them his grandpas, and Coomer cries for an hour.

They move out eventually, when their government mandated hush money comes in. Not far, but Bubby clearly wants some independence. It's a nice little place, cozy but not too small.

Bubby never starts the conversations about marriage, but they're always an active participant. When Coomer had first brought up the idea, Bubby had to put their magazine down, their eyes blown wide.

"Holy shit!" they exclaim, realization hitting them like a train. "We can do that now!"

After fifteen years of absence, waking up with Bubby by his side, curling their fingers through his hair, is magical. The life they never thought they'd have—a house on the surface, with a family all their own—is reality. Coomer has never been happier.

All good things must come to an end. But Bubby has always been better than good.

#hlvrai #half life vr but the ai is self aware #hlvrai boomer #boomer #dr bubby #dr coomer #my writing #good things #cw unethical science #cw trigger phrases

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damntender · 4 years ago

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BECAUSE I HAVE SO MUCH LOVE TO GIVE . okay, first off I JUST HIT 100 FOLLOWERS after a matter of like 6 days... how??? ---- though i’m completely unsure why people stick around, or love me or even want to roleplay with my trash ass. i’ve not had an easy time with some horrendous experiences in this community and i wanted to give some love to the people that keep me staying, because all i wanna do is yell about them all the time. azalea has been a crutch to me in the hardest times of my life, i created her after the loss of my grampa and all my anguish and pain went into trying to do something positive, and with the amount of loss in my life, it was nice to do something beneficial. and i look back to creating her, and meeting all these incredible individuals along the way, and it’s honestly a blessing. i wasn’t going to bring her back, but the response i’ve had, the love, the hype has honestly melted my heart and i could never ever thank anyone enough for that. but here, have me shouting about my love for you all in a post <333

IF I MISS ANYONE, I’M TRULY SORRY. IT’S MY ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER FUCKING ME OVER. but i love you all <3333

so some special mentions ( or a lot bc i can’t CHOOSE ), these are people i talk to regularly, that i consider my best, and closest friends on this hellsite. you don’t know how much impact you’ve had on my life, but i have to let you know. they are in NO particular order, just the list i’ve written down on my notebook, because i have add and it’s a fucking party in my brain lmao. :)))

@damncockroach / @damnbrazen ----- becks, my love, my aNGEL, my bestie. you don’t even need me to say how much you mean to me, or how much i love you because i try to make sure i remind you constantly. you came into my life in a time that i really fucking needed someone, someone to show me what true best friends are, to pick me up, to be there and just ??? never leave. someone i can count on constantly, and you’re always willing to help me. to shower me with hype and love, and i’ve lost count how many times i’ve cried down the phone to you and you’ve calmed me down, and given the best advice, or made me feel valid in my emotions. you don’t know the impact you have on people becks, you’re honestly one of the best people i’ve met in my entire life. i know they say you get soul mates in forms of best friends, and i truly believe you’re mine. you’ve been there for me through some of the most horrendous times in my entire life, and you stood by me and that in itself deserves a medal. i love you more than words could ever possibly express, and i count myself extremely lucky to call you my best friend, i honestly appreciate you so much. you just get me, we can communicate in person with just looks, and that proves our bond tbh. you’re my rock. getting to know you, to know you out of writing and exist in a writing world with you is incredibly special, and like you said in your original tags: in fantasy and reality, till death do us part. i don’t think i’ve ever had a friend who is so selfless, so down to earth, and so compassionate and puts people before themselves until you. i’ll always be here to remind you what a BABE you are, how incredibly vital you are to not only me but to this world. your one of the good ones. and your talent?? is fucking astounding, i get to be inspired by you and write with you and just learn from your insane gift, because you breathe life into words. you gift me with replies, with characters and i scream over them forever, and i can’t even say how in awe i am of you. the love and depth you put into crafting your ocs, or putting them into canons too, just is crazy, and i will never stop yelling about you. you deserve all the hype, both in the roleplay world and the real world. five years of friendship aNGEL !!!! i can’t wait for us to be besties when we’re 80 and can bitch about people still. what i’m trying to say is, you’ve saved my life, more times than you know, and i wouldn’t still be breathing without you. i owe you a load for that, and i love you endlessly, more than words could ever capture. you make this rpc worth being in, because with you beside me, i can face anything. i love you bubba, so much. i’m so proud of the person you’ve become, who you are, you’re a diamond and i am blessed to know you. keep being your kickass self <3333

@damnbrutal / @fearmer / @phoenique ----- lunaaa , my love , the sweetest of angels. my lil norwegian babe !!!! is there even words to sum you up either??? let me start by saying how i can’t encapsulate how sweet you are, you’re like sunshine personified. literally, the brightest light and you deserve the fucking world, honestly. meeting you was always meant to be, i truly believe that, and i can’t ever say how much i love you. you have been there to capture me when i fall, to offer insane words of wisdom that comfort me, to bless me with your presence when i’m breaking over voice chat. when my grampa was dying, or had died, you were the biggest comfort, you have no idea how much your presence, your pure heart helped me out of such a horrendous place. you got how i was feeling, you were sensitive to the subject, and careful and you put your heart and soul into bringing me into a lighter place. i can’t even express how much i’m gonna give you a MASSIVE squeeze when we see each other finally!!!! you are one of the best human beings i’ve ever met, just the most down to earth, so pure, so willing to help others, and i can’t ever thank you or yell about you enough. you give such a HUGE amount to your friends, you’re always there to lend a ear, to offer us support across the ocean, and i truly can’t even express how much that means. you’re a fucking diamond, okay??? let’s get yelling about your talent, your creativity will forever astound me. from your writing to your graphics, you’re truly fucking gifted, and i’ve learned so much off you. you’re a fucking inspiration in itself. you’ve always shown me that i have the strength to overpower such negative forces in my life, and keep going, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that honestly, like i don’t think words will ever be as sufficient enough. you’ve put such love into your original characters, like mazia owns my aSS you know this, she is so fucking important to not only azalea but to me. because you blessed me with this incredibly creative and in depth crafted character and i love her like she’s my own character. you can truly see how much you love writing her, and the craft and everything and i truly believe you’re one of the best writers on this site. our babies and their bond make me SOB, like they hit me right in the heart and i still weep over how mazia comes down to find out her best friend, her soul mate is gone. they have a bond that WE have, we bled that into them, i can see that so clearly, like you’re my person. and i adore u <333 let’s not forget about the love of theo’s life either, odETTE. he adores her. god i get emo just thinking about them, and every single one of our babies. it’s INSANE to me that someone who lives across the world can mean more to me than the majority of the friends i’ve known in real life. you’re just SO important to me. i just love you a whole lot, words won’t ever capture it, and i appreciate you, i’m so grateful. thank u for being u. <3333

@hewolf ------- ANI, the loml. while we haven’t wrote on here, it didn’t feel right NOT including you, because you’ve been in my life since day one of roleplay. like when i look back for a constant in my life, there you are, making me laugh and being your INSANE, and down to earth self. god, how am i ever supposed to put into words just how much i love you?? like you know it knows NO bounds. i don’t think there’s a person other than family for me who’s been there for me through everything in my life, from start to finish of all the bullshit i’ve been through, other than you. you were there when i got my heart broken for the first time, when i lost my gran, grampa and my other grampa, when i had a miscarriage, you have been there and picked me up when i felt like i didn’t wanna be here anymore. and you did it like it was NOTHING, like it was easy, and i’m so inspired by you as a person. by your strength, and you’re honestly the most hilarious person i’ve ever met. like i can’t say how much i look forward to your snapchats every day, how much they make me smile and laugh, especially in our current predicament of the pandemic. you’re a true joy, and you’ve been there to support me always. can you believe we’ve been besties for ten years next year???? like it’s crazy to me. i just know that you’re someone i’m gonna have in my life forever, and i don’t ever want to NOT have you around. i know lately you’ve had the WORST time, and i can relate to it, all i wanna do is be there as best i can, and it’s hard with shit going on, i wish i could drive up to you and just give you a squeeze and try and take your mind off it all. but i can’t. and that sucks !!!! god, do you remember where we started???? facebook fuckin roleplay??? i cringe at the thought but they are times i truly hold dear to my heart, because i look at the development we’ve both had over the years as writers, though you’ve ALWAYS been an incredible writer. i look back at myself and i’m like?? who fuckin let her write??? you’re the reason i joined tumblr roleplay, like you dragged my ass to it, and it’s insane how long it’s been, how much my life has changed. you’re so down to earth, and out of everyone i’ve met on this hell site, and in life in general, you’re one of the most REAL individuals i’ve met and it’s so inspiring??? you’re just so eloquent in your writing and you should have MORE FAITH in yourself because bubby you’re so talented. i adore you so much, words will never capture it. i know that i can legit just ring you like i have previous, crying down the phone and you’ll be there. you’ve helped me through so much and i value you so much, you’re a diamond, one of the best individuals i’ve met. you deserve the WORLD, all the happiness, because you are a fucking light, you’re one of the good ones in life. i love you bubby <33333

@racointeur ----- BEE, my baby, one of the best friends i’ve ever had. god, where do i start with you ??? without choking up because that’s gonna be hard. let me first start by saying, i’m so proud of you, so proud of your strength, because you’ve been through some of the hardest shit as of late and i wish more than anything i could be there to cuddle you, to support you better than i could here. no one ever deserves what you’ve been through, but ESPECIALLY NOT you, you are the kindest person with the BIGGEST heart of gold. all you do for others, is so clear to see, because you’ve always put people before yourself and it truly shows how GOOD of a person you are. you came into my life when i needed someone too, we bonded instantly over shadowhunters and our love for our babies jace / izzy, and instantly a bond came and i can’t ever explain how vital you are to me now. days could pass or even weeks, and when we talk?? it’s like no time has passed. there’s never any obligation or anger if we both fall off the grid. you KNOW how important our friendship is to me. you’re one of my fave individuals to write with. we’ve facetimed crying over the hardships of life, or even laughed until our sides hurt, i remember that one night when we spoke about simon biting izzy and how we were howling with laughter. it’s a memory that legit sticks in my mind, and makes me all warm and fuzzy. in this life, i’ve realised you’ve gotta stay close to the people who feel like sunlight, the truly GOOD people and you’re one of them. i know i can always message you, WITH any issue, or just to yell about our babies and you’ll be accepting and that in itself shows how deep our friendship goes, you’re so accepting, so supportive and i just love you more than words. your writing is something i admire so much, you’re so talented, so eloquent and i just ??? aspire to be that gifted okay, you can see your love for each and every character in your threads and i think EVERYONE should go love on you, because you deserve the hype, and the love the most. you’ve helped me down from ledges where i legit didn’t want to live anymore, you’ve put up with my bullshit and i can NEVER thank u enough for that. here we are THREE years almost four years later, still stuck to each other like glue bc u bet i’m not letting you GO at all, and still best friends. i admire you so much, i learn so much from you from your strength and i don’t think i could ever say enough what you mean to me. you’re just purely talented, an incredible individual and i can’t wait to meet you when this shit is all over and i’m finished with uni so i can fly out to see you and give you a MASSIVE squeeze. you’re one of my fave individuals ever in life and i just adore you so so so much. i love you bee. you’re honestly world class, and just a joy to know. <33333

@lethaelite ------ MANDI , you superhuman babe !!!!! gosh, i love you endlessly, i can’t even begin to express, but it feels like we’ve been friends forever and i honestly can’t imagine a time without you in my life and i ???? don’t want to. you’re one of the most intelligent individuals i’ve ever met, like you can see it so much in your writing, you put so much into the characters. like clarke???? i accept nO other portrayal than yours, because you just know her so much, at this point?? she’s your oc. i love writing with her, and with octavia too, like octavia’s relationship with azalea is so important and it melts me, i just can’t help but get soft over them all the time. how azalea has broken down o’s walls. how they’re ride or die, all of it is fucking adorable. and SUCH development. i’m so glad becks dragged ur ass to tumblr so you can showcase your talent, everyone needs to KNOW how gifted you are!!!! let’s circle back to your talent, let’s talk about you. you’re a diamond okay? a pure selfless individual with the biggest heart, and i’m so blessed to get to know you, to be able to call you one of my best friends, and you’ve embraced me as a person, as a writer since we’ve met, and i can’t ever thank you enough for that. you’ve listened to me yell about some of the hardest times of my life, you’ve listened and understood and kept it to yourself and it means everything and more to me. let’s not FORGET that you’re a fierce badass individual, you’re so strong and i’m so proud of all you’ve battled through, because i get to learn from your experience and guidance and words. i look up to you SO much, i wish i had your outlook on life, like i wish i had your strength because it’s incredible bubba. honestly!!! you don’t realise the impact you’ve had either, you have helped me through so much. you’re kind, down to earth, and charismatic and hilarious and just a fucking joy to have around. i can’t wait for you to come over here, because honestly we’re gonna have some insane memories to look back on, and you deserve that break and a new surrounding more than anyone honestly. i just can’t ever yell about you enough, you’re beyond talented, you have the BIGGEST heart and you’re one of the good ones in a world of bad. i can’t wait for all the threads we get to do, all the character development and everything. i know i can throw anything at you thread wise and you’ll be down for it, i love how much you YELL about threads and the reactions, because it truly shows me your excitement!! i just adore you so much and i can’t ever thank you for being you, for impacting my life how you have, and i’m thankful and appreciative to get you to be in my life. i LOVE you <3333

@damnpain / @armyranger ------ VIC ------- god where do i begin with you ???? i used to ALWAYS fangirl over you, like i would be heart eyes at your blogs from far away because i was always terrified to approach because your level of talent fucking astounds me. like you honestly have no clue how much i look up to you as a person, you honestly are another whole level of talent. and now i’ve gotten to know you, and you’ve quickly become one of my best friends because you have the sweetest fucking heart, you honestly make being on tumblr a pleasure, and your incredibly soft and kind heart is something i’m so thankful to get to witness. we’ve bonded over our own hardships both irl and in the community and it’s nice having someone who GETS it, who understands exactly where i’m coming from, it’s nice to know i’m not alone. you’re like my very own hand to hold, and i value you so fucking much honestly. you’re honestly a sweetheart, and you deserve the literal WORLD. you make me laugh so much, and you are so welcoming and knowing i can just yell at you about our babies, really makes my day and i’m so thankful you get as excited as i do. apollo literally OWNS my ass, you’ve put your entire heart into him and he is so important to azalea, so vital to her and i can’t wait to develop them and their relationship more because it’s something i’m so excited about. god don’t get me started on how HEARTBREAKING his story is, his backstory makes me well up with tears, poor baby deserves such a break, he’s the cutest angel, and i love him. as i love ALL of your ocs, you know this. i’m always gonna be here to hype you up, because you’re just outstanding, a true fucking icon. i remember how much you inspired me from when i saw your max blog so getting to call you one of my best friends now is !!!! amazing to me, but also, you’ve calmed me down when i’m spiralling, listened to my problems and issues and been happy to deal with them and it just shows how much of a selfless person you are. you are always more than happy to help, and i love you endlessly and more. and i’m so thankful we found each other even in the wake of all the shit i’ve been through lately, because you’ve become a rock to me, i adore you so much, your incredible nature, sweet and welcoming and i know i can talk to you about everything. thank you for being your amazing, sweet, and truly extraordinary self, because you honestly DESERVE the world, all the happiness and stuff. i know i’ve found another best friend for life in you, you’re an angel. i love love love you vic, keep being YOU, because you’re just out of this world, a true good person. A DIAMOND <333333

@tragedyhymns / @damnbrain ------ SUN !!!! my sweet angel, god how do i even begin to describe you or put into words my love for you ???? everytime i talk to you, you make my heart swell because you’re just so fucking sweet. you’re beyond considerate and just one of the nicest individuals i’ve ever met in this hellish community. you’ve been nothing but a support to me, and i don’t ever want us to part. i’ve kept you close from the moment we met in the shadowhunters fandom over three years ago now, and i’m sorry to say but you’re not getting away from me, ever. i just adore you with my entire heart. i’m so proud of the person you are , i’m so proud that i GET to call you a best friend of mine . let me say i’m SO fucking proud of you for kicking ass with your education , like even when it feels like everything is getting too much and you’re having so much going on ooc??? you power through like the WARRIOR you are, and i’m beaming with pride over you. because honestly, if there’s anyone who deserves to succeed in life??? it’s you. your talent is astounding, we’ll come to your writing, but your GRAPHICS???? like you’re an ASSET to that career you’re going to have. you’re going to have such an insane career, i am always taken aback by what you can make and create, like share some of that talent pls. never LET anyone bring you down. you’re truly fucking remarkable. i also have to commend your writing talent, because you bring characters to life with such a love, such a depth and admiration that i am always in awe of you. matty and cris are by far my favorite babies, like matty is so vital to azalea and the story we have created for them is one of my favourites, like it is so IMPORTANT to me, i can’t even thank you enough for it. i also have to yell about how much you took on by creating ash, and making him your own, and i love being affiliated with you. you’re so eloquent, so in depth and so talented, you bleed EVERYTHING into your writing and graphics and it shows. you’re a treasure. you mean everything and more to me, you’re just a fucking angel, i love you. you’re a light —- i appreciate you so much and i won’t ever be able to thank you for that . you’ve made me smile on the most horrific of days , you’ve been there to listen when things are falling apart . you’ve been there through a lot, and i love you endlessly. just know how important you are to me, i will forever be here to rave about you as a person, your talent. never leave me o k ?? because i’ll actually fucking cry because you mean so much to me!!!! never forget how loved , how incredible you are , and how much we all STAN you i love you, you fucking cutie. <3333

@damnsamurai / @iswarholy / @skailante ----- ZAWN !!!!! god,,, i love YOU. i have gotten the opportunity to have you in my life for the past three years and even though we lost touch??? it’s like no TIME has passed, because you’ve embraced me, thrown nothing but love at me and just been a fucking angel. you’re one of the good ones on this site, like we reconnected and within like three days i had made an oc to be affiliated with yours because i fucking ADORE you. my opinion of you since we first met, hasn’t changed. i thought you were truly blessed with an astounding talent then, and if anything, i’m even more convinced of that now, because i am just constantly in awe of your characters, of your portrayal of octavia because holy fuck babe, it’s so GOOD, so indepth. you truly bleed complete depth and understanding into her, as if she’s your actual character and not jroths or the original writers. actually, let’s say she’s yours because you show her more fucking love, lets be real here. let me also tell you, how much your little messages about how much you love me on discord everyday, they truly make my day. because i’ve had a fucking horrendous time as of late with some shitty times irl and in the community and you’ve become a rock. you’ve shown me there’s some people left who are intrinsically kind, who have nothing but a GOOD regard to people. you’re someone who deserves the literal world, because you’re just a fucking diamond, just pure through and through. and your talent??? god i love writing our babies saff and orion, we created them, wrote them and i was hooked instantly, like i am complete trash for our babies and for YOU, because you’re so beyond talented, so gifted. i am shook at you all of the time, please TEACH me your ways, pls pls. i also know that i can approach you to yell about things, or throw muse posts at you, and you’ll be accepting. thank you for embracing me, for being so accepting, so sweet to me and an astounding friend, i count you as one of my best friends. i honestly don’t think words could ever say how grateful i am for you, but i hope this makes you smile. you’re a credit to this fandom, and i can’t wait to write more with you, to yell more and for this beautiful friendship to continue. i love you, bIG UP THE RIDDEN FAM, love you always, please never forget how truly extraordinary you are, because i’ll always be here to tell you. i don’t want to be in this fandom ever without YOU <3333

@waldenborn / @geneticassassin ----- LILLY --------- U ANGEL… i don’t even know how i can ever express my true gratitude for you, for always being there when i need someone, for being your truly amazing self. and also for embracing azalea from the very beginning when i made her, i was such a heart eyes fan girl over you because damn… helo is so well crafted, so in depth and just everything i aspire to create within my own oc’s. you have always truly thought him through, put so much love and creativity into him and that in itself has always astounded me, i think i’ll always be someone who fangirls over you. i was terrified to reach out at first, just because i’m a ball of anxiety and you always made me completely at ease, and even when we go weeks without talking, without interacting at all, it’s like NO time has passed. we just pick up as we left off, and i know there’s never ANY pressure and it makes me feel safe, and like i can truly be myself. you’re truly world class, and i can never thank you for all the love and support you’ve given me, honestly. i don’t think i could ever put it into words, but you mean everything to me and to a zillion more people in this fandom, you’re a big ball of sunshine, of love, and you’re a true angel to have around. A CREDIT. i can never thank you for accepting me, hyping me up and wanting to write with me, honestly writing with you makes me SUPER happy because i get to craft such amazing character relationships with you, but also because i get to be astounded by your incredible replies all of the time. i get so !!!! at seeing you on the dash bc dATS my babyyyyy. our development with azalea / helo always melts me, from them meeting in mount weather, to falling for each other and then facing the end of the world together, living their peaceful life on earth for six years, undisturbed. they deserved that happiness !!!! helo is so important to azalea, like he’s a huge part of her life, and i love our talks about them, and you always yelled at me about how much you loved my characters even when i wasn’t writing azalea on tumblr anymore. i always felt that support from you, and you have no idea how much it helped me out of so many dark places. i also adored writing bellamy / gabby with you because they own my aSS, and octavia and helo because hearing all your headcanons about his love of octavia and how protective of me always BLEW my mind. fancy sharing some of that talent, please???? i am just forever in awe of you. i count myself lucky to know someone like you. the world needs more GOOD souls like you. just know how much of an impact on my life you’ve had, you deserve the hype you talented lil baby. I LOVE YOU <33333

@damnstory / @azgedaspy ----- KAT ---- u sWEET angel <3333 first off, let me YELL about how much of a fucking vital individual you are to this community, like while we don’t have to ask permission to be part of the “damn” family, you’ve brought together a group of writers, and everyone fucking ADORES you because you’re down to earth. you’re so sweet, and so fucking lovely. like i don’t think words even capture my adoration of you. from the moment we met, you did nothing but embrace me, nothing but BUILD me up, keep reminding me how much i was a strong person, or a zillion and one other sweet things you said. i can never thank you enough for that, as someone who’s really been through it in the fandom with people that i didn’t deserve or ask for, it was nice for someone to validate me and make me feel like ???? i was wanted around. you helped my mental state more than words ever could truly express, i love you endlessly for that, as it shows just HOW good of a person you are. you have one of the kindest hearts i’ve met, and your talent forever leaves me taken aback. you know i’m so trash for your echo, like the ONLY echo i’ll accept, i’ll be honest. like at this rate, she’s your character in my eyes, because wow, the depth, the love, the UNDERSTANDING you’ve put into her. it just is incomparable. and now you’re bringing the loml bellamy blake to life, and gOD DAMN you’re so fucking good at him, you never make any excuses for his behaviour, you hold him accountable and i love throwing angsty threads of my ocs, or charas calling him out on his bullshit because you know i’m a SLUT for some angst. you bring him to life, and it’s so brilliant, like truly you’re a talent, so in depth and so much effort goes into it, and it’s appreciated, it’s something i ADMIRE, you deserve all the hype and more. you’re one of the best writers i’ve ever come across, and i have no other choice but to STAN, always and forever. you showed me that there’s some good left on this site . you showed me that i can still make friends that i trust and love , and to never be intimidated to talk to people, because we both know i’ve been terrified to talk to people before. i always fangirled over you before and i STILL do, you’re just a fucking angel who deserves the entire world and more. like truly a treasure, i count you as one of my best friends on this site, a person who is so encompassingly good, that it makes the community a JOY to be in. i love you kat, keep being your incredible self, and throwing your talent into the community, because i’ll always be here to yell about it. you’re just world class and i love you so much. <3333

@damnbetray ------ BEAN, god if there’s anyone who’s a fucking CUTIE in this fandom, it’s YOU. i can’t ever express how much i love you or how much you make me laugh. you are just beyond talented, i can’t wait to write with you and develop our characters together. but more than anything, you’re just a SWEETHEART, who has validated how i’ve felt lately, you’ve made me feel at ease when my world was falling apart. you’ve stayed and HYPED me up, made me feel empowered to do what’s BEST for me, and made sure to tell me i’m doing what’s right and i can never thank you enough for that. you’ve got the kindest heart, like truly, i can’t even express how much i adore you, words will never EVER encompass that enough. you’re one of the sweetest babes i’ve met and i LOVE getting to yell about things to you, like spending the very late hours of the evening with you on voice chat, laughing our heads off about how stupid our languages or hometowns are. like comparing sayings, it honestly made my night. after such discomfort i’ve experienced, i can’t even explain how much that means to me, getting some company, someone who UNDERSTANDS my horrendous hysteria. you deserve the WORLD bubby, honestly. you’re the cutest babe. and your accent is SO ADORABLE, i want it... i’m jealous. also, your ocs are so well crafted, i am in awe at your talent to bring characters to life, how you’ve put your love, soul and heart into creating them, it shows how much you adore writing and how much they mean to you and i can’t wait for our soft grounder babies to meet. azalea will LOVE on her so much, like just you WAIT. i’m so grateful for our little squad, not only making me feel at ease in this fandom, but being a support network i so desperately needed, like we ALL need that love. and i don’t care WHAT you say but ur a fucking talent at not only writing but fucking graphics bc what you created was legit fucking INSANELY incredible, like i’m jealous pls teach me ur ways, thank u. you’ve been a fucking angel to me since we met , and i can’t imagine life without you and i don’t wanna . it’s like we’ve been friends forever , and i love that . you’re a friend i’m blessed to have. thank you for being you. i LOVE U so much, and i’ll be here ALWAYS to hype you up because you deserve the hype, all of it. soak it up <3333

OTHERS I LOVE, that if i had the energy to write MORE about i would but they’re my squad and I ADORE them, they truly inspire me so much, and i value all of them, like as MONTY would say, the GOOD guys : @mythso ; @mythcals ; @mieczlw ; @heroach ; @roseguided ; @buriedwoes ; @hevives ; @trageday ; @mudwoven ; @coyoted ; @pahriahs ----- you ALL deserve the world, your talent truly astounds me and your presence in this fandom has truly not only melted my heart but made this place a safe space for me, a place of warmth. you ALL are aware of how much i love you from how much i’ve yelled at you previously, and if i could fight through this chronic illness pain right now to talk about you all individually i WOULD, but my meds aren’t working. your writing is incomparable in talent, like the depth, the love you put in, and how you’re all so DOWN to earth, such softies and so welcoming and accepting of me???? i can’t thank you enough. you all deserve ever OUNCE of hype. like you accepted azalea, or any other muse i’ve written and that in itself means everything and more to me, i don’t think words will ever truly express. for someone who’s insanely anxiety riddled after some shit ooc, and in the community, it melts me when i find people with nothing but GOOD intentions, because it proves that there are STILL good people out there. i count you as my closest friends, and i adore writing with you and can’t wait to do it more. just know you’ve had the biggest of impacts on me, that by just BEING you, and sharing your gift, you’ve made me happy, made this place ALL the more better, and words will never do you justice. you’re all SWEETHEARTS, and a credit to the community. i ADORE you and love you all so so so much. <3333

MORE PEOPLE I LOOK UP TO AND WANT TO INTERACT WITH , BUT I’M BUT AN ANXIETY RIDDLED BABE SO PLEASE THROW YOURSELVES AT ME : --- @commaender ; @commandied ; @azhefa ; @azgona ; @astralgenius ; @brotheir ; @darkseen ; @damnfoxed ; @damnbrace ; @damnloyal ; @shenomaly ; @damnbird ; @damnguard ; @damnalone ; @earthsheir ; @earthreina ; @fatalruin ; @futuresees ; @fatalrisk ; @genetictraitor ; @glassae ; @graunfisop ; @holykissed ; @hqppier ; @heroicis ; @imperrator ; @knowsdeath ; @komfolaui ; @laendon ; @lovkyna ; @lovefray ; @mortaele ; @mortaele ; @nextleveldamaged ; @otvblake ; @puresthearted ; @pyrorize ; @praesaes ; @preytend ; @runegiven ; @sunhken ; @tribrids ; @warstroyed ; @wanlidas ; @avgustia .

if i missed anyone !!! i’m sorry, my add makes it super hard to REMEMBER and focus, BUT i adore you and look up to you so much <333

#i. out of character. / appreciation post .#!!!!!!!!#i love you ALL #thank u for embracing me #for making me feel welcome #i love u all #<3333 #loss mention tw #loss tw

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