#so scared to talk about them bc the source and fandom are awful

[heartofdaydreams]

Thinking about The Paras again btw

[oh-mother-of-darkness]

answers (16)

Anonymous said: A lot of these secrets are really serious and sad so heres a lighter one: me and my sister are knitting christmas socks for the whole family as a surprise. Ive never knit a pattern before but im really good!!

Amazing!! 

Anonymous said: idk if your still doing this but my secret is I fear im a terrible person who only acts nice to rick people into liking her and ik that actually does make me an okay but i still feel im doing it for the wrong reasons and someones going to get too close and find out the truth and hate me

That’s very self aware of you, I think-- probably too self aware. You’re absolutely right to say it’s the trying that matters, but I’m not gonna blame you for worrying about it. I have similar concerns about myself sometimes. I’m aware that for me personally they’re partially justified. Some of my kindness is self motivated. 

I think though (and it seems like you already know this) it’s the effect of the kindness that matters. Maybe it’s better for me if I have “pure” intentions, but if I don’t, I should still do the kind things anyway, right? Because at the end there’s still going to be good. And there’s nothing bad about actively trying to be good, which is all we’re doing. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that ive been chasing after a dream my whole life but im not sure ill ever achieve it. times running out and i dont know what to do if i cant. i feel like my whole life has been put on standby and i dont know the way out. i know ill be okay in the end but i dont know what the end will be and that scares me.

Shit that’s relatable. You really will be okay, but it’s terrifying in the meantime, isn’t it? To have those turning points bearing down on you?

Things will happen. You can’t stop that. Time is gonna continue, but you’ll still be there at the end. Your head’s already in the right place. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I really, really like one of my friends, but he has a girlfriend and slept with one of my best friends when they were both super drunk. I want the feelings to stop and go back to being just friends, because I honestly think I don't have a chance, but there is a small part of me that doesn't want to let go. I don't know what to do.

Well that’s a bitch of a situation, isn’t it? Romantic feelings aren’t really my area, but I understand holding on to things you consciously want to let go. Emotions always feel like part of me, you know? I don’t want to tear them away. Sometimes it’s better to do it, though. I don’t know from a few sentences if that’s the case here, but I hope you find the way that’s the best for you 

Anonymous said: My secret is I used to be suicidal, in my pre/early teens. I had realised I was lesbian in a small, largely Catholic town and hated myself for it. I was awful at social situations and couldn’t make friends. I hated myself for having baby fat because I danced part time. Then as I got older I slowly got more confident until one day a friend died I realised that holy shit I used to be suicidal and I could have killed myself. I’m terrified that I might get like that again and actually do it

Honestly, and I know this is gonna sound cliche, but I’m always in awe of folks like you. I don’t handle my own mental health issues super well most of the time, and to hear about someone growing? Changing? Getting better? Amazing

Anonymous said: If you're still taking these... my secret is that I don't want to give birth to children ever, and would consider adopting instead (when I'm older), but if I were to voice that to any family member or even an acquitance, they would shun me for it and make sure they try to talk me out of it. I really hate how conservative people put so many expectations on my shoulders

Heyyyyyy same. I’m not planning on birthing any kids, but my parents have come down pretty heavily on the single-women-should-not-adopt-children thing, which is.... bullshit. I’m gonna adopt some kids one day, whether they like it or not. 

You know your own mind and your own plans. Other people don’t have to be happy about them, even (maybe especially) family members. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that I’m a bad friend. I don’t make time for the few friends I have and spend most my time working or being in my room. They deserve better than me.

I don’t think you’re a bad friend. Not being around isn’t bad-friend behavior. You’re not hurting anyone. You’re not doing anything wrong. And I certainly don’t think that it justifies the idea that they should leave you. Relationships are always kinda a difficult balancing act, but you don’t have to be perfect at balancing it, you know?

Anonymous said: My secret is that I'm extremely self-sufficient, I've always had to be. But because there's no one else taking care of me it's so hard to invest my time in others because I'll neglect my own mental state. It make sit hard to develop stable relationships. Every once in a while I re-realize that I'm no one's priority so I have to be my own. And it just sucks.

Shit anon that’s really really rough. It makes me sad with you. I’m not going to tell you you’re wrong, because I don’t know, do I? But I hope you are. 

Anonymous said: My secret is I imagine myself as OCs I create for certain fandoms like Young Justice or Castlevania, and I spend all my time daydreaming of how I would act in episodes and how I would interact with the characters. I think it’s because I’m not satisfied with my life, and I’m also afraid that this makes me either weird or crazy.

Oh biggest mood

I do that too. I’m not in a position to say whether that’s a good or bad thing, but I like to think it just makes us creative. For me, it eventually found an outlet in writing, and that’s been a big source of joy in my life. I had some unpleasant experiences sharing that stuff with people in the past, but for me? I don’t worry about it anymore. I know a lot of people that do similar stuff.

Write some fanfiction, maybe :) You might be real good at it

Anonymous said: My secret is I’m secretly attracted to people who are better than me at stuff

That’s not really my area, but seems to me that’s a pretty good thing to be attracted to. One of the sweetest things I hear around school is people talking about how their partners are going to be such good lawyers. It’s cute. 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my anxiety is crushing me. I don't want to feel this way anymore.

Oh, anon. I just.... feel you. I’ve been really struggling lately with the idea that other people move through life without that handicap, and it amazes and angers me. Why don’t I get that? Why am I like this? It isn’t fair. 

And it isn’t. It just isn’t. You didn’t ask to death match your brain every second of the day. You’re not any worse than everyone else, so why do you have to suffer? I don’t know. I really don’t.

The only happy thing I can say to you is people do heal. It’s bullshit that it takes so much time and effort, but it is possible. I’m better off now than I was five years ago, even if it did take five years and a whole lot of therapy, medication, and energy. You shouldn’t have to fight like this, but you can, and you can win. 

Anonymous said: My secret is Im so bitter most of the time that I cant be happy for others. Me and my best friend are both singers but I can never be happy for her when she gets compliments or any success bc im jealous and im scared I'll never learn to be selfless and happy for other people

You’re only human. You have human emotions. You have every right to feel them. The only thing that matters is your choices, because that’s the only thing you can control. 

I’m so sorry you’re scared. That’s another emotion you have every right to feel 

Anonymous said: My secret is that sometimes I hated myself for not express what I felt because I thought they'll hate me or make distance of me but I'm learning to express my feelings to others and try to be more confidence :) I hope you'll be brave too and do whatever you want to do 💜

I wanna be anon when I grow up 

Anonymous said: My secret is that my hands hurt all the time but in different ways, and I’m scared to get help because I’m scared they’ll tell me I’m making it up or being dramatic.

Man do I hate the shit people put you through to get medical help. Everybody’s entitled to ask, aren’t they? So why are we all making that difficult? Why are we making people feel bad about their own pain?

I understand your fear, but I hope you start asking questions anyway. Other people’s opinions about it aren’t your fault

Anonymous said: My secret is that my dermatillomania has gotten way worse since I got to college, so I’m having to wear headscarves again to keep myself from picking my scalp. I smuggled my scarf collection out of my room without telling my parents.

I’m sorry, anon. That’s difficult. That sucks. That’s bullshit. 

Anonymous said: my secret is that when one of my family members says something homophobic I'll laugh and agree because I'm afraid that they'll disown me if there's any shred of proof that I'm LGBT and it makes me feel like such filth

That’s not your fault. It’s theirs for making you feel unsafe, because your safety really should be your first priority! That’s okay! You’re not being a bad person by doing it. You’re just protecting someone. You’re allowed to make that someone you

[naamahdarling]

Every fandom I've been in, I eventually leave because it gets too hard to stay. My fave charas become sources of anxiety bc I've defended them and had that turned against me. I don't know how many more times I'll have the energy to like things, when people turn them awful, and it's happening to me again and I'm scared I'll just disappear, lose the friends I've made because our common ground suddenly hurts too much to touch. I don't know what to do. This site is hell.

Oh, honey.  You sound so tired.  That absolutely sucks and I’m so sorry.

I obviously don’t know exactly what’s going on, so I’m not sure how similar our situations are, but I know what it feels like to be made ashamed of something you love.  It happened to me a lot for the first 20 or so years of my life.  I was made fun of for liking childish or babyish things . . . when I was a child.  I can’t handle listening to any of the bands I used to like when I was in middle school -- they were objectively bad, but I loved them, and had a good time imagining being married to a favorite band member because that is what teenage girls do --  because everyone from my friends to family members to my boyfriend made fun of them.  An area of special interest of mine is soured forever by how someone close to me handled me talking about it a lot to them because that’s what bored and lonely people do when they have no phone, no internet, and go literal days without seeing anyone else.

It’s absolutely awful to feel like you’re losing something you used to love engaging with.  It’s painful.  It feels like being robbed.  And it feels like anything you jump to will just be taken from you as well.  It feels like there’s nowhere to go.

I wish people understood how painful that sort of bullying really is. And I do think that a lot of the behavior I see online in fandoms gone septic is just that: bullying.  Bullying for liking an imperfect thing, or liking it the wrong way, or not being critical enough and performing your fannishness virtuously enough.  People get really into tearing down elements of something they supposedly love, and it’s awful.  It’s just an awful scene.  I don’t understand it.  It’s so unnecessary and small-hearted.

You said it yourself: this site is Hell.  And it is.  But it is also a Hell that we make for ourselves.

Is it possible for you to more strictly police what comes across your dash?  Xkit filters, Tumblr savior, Tumblr’s own tagging feature? I don’t know if you do fandom stuff elsewhere, like Discord, so I don’t know what other filtering options you have, but if you have them, I think you should use them early and often.

Would it be possible for you to make a list of people you don’t want to lose track of, and then unfollow folks just for a while, give yourself a break?  Or make another totally separate Tumblr and follow them there, so you can keep track of them without worrying about them changing their names or something like that?

I know how it is to have good friends who do fight and do get involved in drama, people you love, but who in the course of Having Discourse also expose you and their other their readers to contentious opinions and the nasty words of others.  (I am one of those people sometimes!  Less now than in the past, but yeah.)  It’s a valid way to run a blog, but it’s also not required of anyone to expose themselves to that sort of thing because it can get very draining and negative.  It’s not bad to be that way, but you may need some distance from the wank.  If you can, approach your good friends with a request to tag the troublesome stuff so you can filter it out.  Keep your daily feeds to a few low-drama blogs.

Because it sounds like what you need is a break, and some time to reconnect with the work you love, and not the fandom itself.

I’m pulling ideas out of my ass here, but could you create a trusted resource list for yourself of fannish works and fans (fave fics, authors who Get It, people who do cool art but don’t participate in wank) that make you feel good, and engage more intensively and deliberately with uplifting content for a while?

Also, something I do when I feel shitty is find work that isn’t appreciated enough -- a fic with almost no notes, fanart by beginners who aren’t getting a lot of positive feedback -- and show some love.  Maybe you could do the same in your fandom?  Put positivity out there in case someone else is feeling as exhausted as you are.

And last, hardest but also the most effective, what if you stopped defending what you love? It sounds awful, we all want to stick up for something we feel passionately about and that has value for us, I know how it is to love a character so much, and for it to hurt so much when you see people say awful things about them and the people who like them, but you don’t have to argue with anyone about any of it, you don’t have to engage. It’s fine to say “I like this thing, and I do not care what you think of that. I’m not even going to argue about it.  Good day.”  And then . . . block the people saying atrocious, toxic things.  Let them be wrong.  Let them say mean, stupid things into the thin air where you aren’t because you wandered off to do more interesting, better things, like care about your favorite book or show, and take ten thousand online quizzes as though you were your favorite character.

You can even type out the response.  Just get it all out, then . . . don’t post it.  Don’t click send.  Just . . . release it.  Let it go.  You don’t owe anyone your time or your words.  Let their negativity and awfulness be their own problem.

Let it be your job to love what you love, not to argue about it with petty people online.

I really hope this helps.  It kind of hits me hard because like I said, it feels like familiar territory for me.  I hope you can find your way through all this . . . and there IS a way through.  There always is.  No forest goes on forever.

Hozier recently crawled up out of whatever ancient bog church basement he’s been living in for the last thousand years and said this:

He’s right.  He’s absolutely right.

[jjeehoon]

wanna one as your fanboys

requested by my fav woojin stan anon lol

have a gif of your man btw lol

a reverse au where instead of them being your idols, you’re being their idols. 

a/n: i did some editing on minhyun’s bc this man ain’t quiet,,, he’s literally the loudest out of nu’est smh  

jisung:

MEMES. Jisung would be the one fan who’d be turning you into a living meme. Even if you already were a living meme, he’d make you into an even funnier one. Plenty of screenshots of your cute derp faces would be sent to his friends often as reactions, due to the fact that he couldn’t react to their messages in real life. Sometimes, if he were ever feeling especially hilarious, he’d message you on Instagram with a meme he made of you captioned, “notice me unnie/oppa, please!” You’d view his profile when you were looking through your incredibly filled DMs, and you’d laugh loudly at the sight of his clearly male feed. If he met you in real life, he’d spend his time making you laugh with puns and funny faces the entire time, since it was short lived and he wanted to do anything to make it last. 

sungwoon:

Sungwoon admired you so, s o much, and no one could blame him, because he believed you were perfect. You were the juniors of his buddies, Kai and Taemin, and at one point, he was jealous that they were under the same company as you were. “So, like, when is your CEO gonna let me into the building to let me see (y/n) - I mean, your group members?” He’d ask them every once in a while. Sungwoon would also be singing along to your parts in your latest hit single while he was with his group of friends as if it weren’t obvious enough that he liked you. Once they finally obliged to him meeting you, his ears would heat up once he saw you, like they typically did when he was embarrassed. You would probably also hear some small voice cracks every now and then while talking to him, but probably because he was tired and flustered, which didn’t exactly click in his agenda. Oh well - you called him adorably handsome, and that’s all that matters.

minhyun:

There were two sides to his fanboy, the fanboy where he’d be smiling to himself when he hears your name on the streets or something, and the fanboy where he’s jumping around the house and happily screaming your new song. Neighbours of his wouldn’t be surprised when they hear his loud voice on the other side of the wall. Minhyun also seems like someone who enjoys making covers of your songs. He was pleased to think that your songs, your angelic voice matched with his light and thin tone extremely well. People who followed him were also your fans and they enjoyed his covers when he occasionally posted them, but the most important thing here is that they literally begged Minhyun to do a (y/n) selca day thing because they thought the two of you looked great together. After crying to himself, ranting to Dongho about it (”they’re like me to you, bro, they aren’t gonna let me live”), and disagreeing with his followers for the longest time, he would post it. And, not gonna be lying here, they were right - the amount of visual in that relationship would be incredible.

seongwoo:

Similarly to Jisung, he’d express his love through memes and other funny things. He’d probably be the type who has a spam account on Instagram where he posts crack videos that he made of you and photos of you making hearts captioned, “have I ever mentioned how much I f u c k i n g love (y/n) because I LOVE (Y/N) SO MUCH”. Probably also in the comments section of your music videos with the most original comments, including jokes and gags without forgetting to mention how great you looked and how wonderful you sounded. Seongwoo would never hesitate to start jamming out to your songs if they ever came on in public, hitting some of the dance moves smoothly while shopping for clothes. He’d draw some attention to the other shoppers, and he’d be hoping the slightest bit that you were there watching him dance as well.

jaehwan:

I don’t know why (lol), but Jaehwan seems like a proud member of stan twitter. Sometimes, he’d be really soft and post acoustic covers of your songs which would cause an uproar in the fandom. He’d smirk once he saw the amount of reposts there were on Twitter itself, as well as seeing his covers on Instagram and Tumblr. Other times, he’d be shitposting just as much as Seongwoo would be. Heck, Jaehwan and Seongwoo would probably be partners in crime, making the dankest memes possible and making other users vote for which meme is better. Jaehwan’s probably also the type to ship himself with you, saying things like, “look at that. Just look at it, Ong, (y/n) and I would be the ultimate visual couple. Ultimate visual, vocal, flute playing couple. No, shut up, I don’t care if (y/n) plays the clarinet. Our children would inherit our talent and beauty and they’d be fucking legends just like (y/n) was.” 

daniel:

As we all know, Daniel loves dancing to Signal, so he loves dancing to your songs as well. Like his husband #ongnielisscience Seongwoo, hearing any of your big hits in public means a celebratory dancing spree, no matter what he was doing at the time. At the vet for his cats? He’d be doing the hand movements in the waiting room. Just woke up from a coma? Playing your music gets him back into daily routine immediately. Preparing dinner with his family? He’d be shuffling down the counter to the upbeat melody. Asides from that, he would seems like the type of person to think about your ideal type every once in a while - he thought about how he would make a good boyfriend to you. Of course, he was smart enough to keep his daydreaming to himself; that is, until he meets you in person and just falls for you even harder.

jihoon:

I can honestly imagine Jihoon being your classmate while you’re an idol. He’d admire you from afar while you were with your close friends, he would feel jealous once someone else came over to talk to you about your popularity. He looked up to you greatly and quietly listened to your music both in his free time and, often times, during class. If he was feeling rather ambitious that day, he’d casually start talking to you about your music and your group members if the solo game wasn’t the the thing for you. “Ah, yeah, you know your friend, (group member name i literally can’t think of a name on the spot)?” He’d ask while trying his hardest not to freak out over the fact that he was talking to a celebrity, his idol, to be much more specific. “Yeah. What, do you like them? Wanna meet them someday?” You replied jokingly. He chortled at your statement, mainly because they weren’t the one he liked, but you were.

woojin:

Super big throwback to his cover of BoA’s Only One, there would be low quality footage of Woojin dancing to your song jokingly. Once that circulated around, he’d be an embarrassed mess thinking about how you could’ve been watching the video at that moment. Spoiler alert: you were, and you thought it was absolutely adorable. You even reposted it with the caption “thank you, my fans, for such great content” or some shit and Woojin would be bawling his eyes out like, “I’ve won, but at what cost?” (uh jokes aside,,,) He would upload a proper dance cover and blow literally everyone away, including you. His smooth dancing and his ability to hit every move with precision made you question yourself on your dancing skills. (ok but i’m sure you’d be a great dancer <33) When you reposted that cover of his, he would bawl again, but this time, he shed some happy tears instead. 

jinyoung:

From the looks of his Kyulkyung fanboy days, Jinyoung seems like someone who’d defend their idols to a certain extent. If he encounters a troll among your Instagram feed, he’d definitely call them out with a bit of insult, and it’d be brought to your attention. He probably also runs a fan account where he posts photos of you and captions them with cheesy love quotes; not to the point where it’s Seongwoo or Jaehwan-level shit posting, but a regular fanpage that posts fan taken photos as well as performances on music shows and, sometimes, fancams. He’d be thrilled to hear that you and/or your group were coming to his town, but once someone brought it up, he’d act all shy and deny any notions of wanting to meet you. However, on his breaks, he’d go and see you in person, his heart beating quickly when he saw you - all while being the shy boy he was. 

also, you’d probably be like, “aw, your head is so smoL I’M CRYIN” and he’d fall over tbh

daehwi:

Daehwi would be the type of fan who would have a fanpage for you, much like his best friend Jinyoung. He’d be the main source of all the girlfriend/boyfriend!(y/n) aus because he honestly thinks that those are the absolute cutest, and he’d make them just as fluffy as possible while trying his best to be accurate at the same time. If you were in a group, he would make compilations of basically anything you were known for, whether it be your evil maknae schemes or your lovely singing parts. If he ever went to a fan sign, he’d be a smiling the mess the whole time once it was his turn to meet you. “Ah, I was so excited to meet you,” he would tell you, his natural overflowing aegyo making you feel all bubbly inside as you have a nice casual conversation with him. You probably ended your meeting with a hug from him as you told him, “come to our next fanmeet,” and he probably melted into a pile of gush inside. 

guanlin:

Guanlin would be the quiet yet ambitious fan of yours. Much like Minhyun, he wouldn’t shove his love for you in everyone’s faces, but he’d be much more obvious with those close to him. “(y/n)’s really soft in this performance? Jihoon hyung, look at how wonderful (y/n)’s rapping is. Seonho, look, (y/n)’s just as cute as you are.” Every once in a while, he’d go and binge watch your funny videos, giving himself a huge laugh (which may or may not scare his hyungs). Just like any other of his idols, Guanlin looks up to you greatly. You inspired him to do better at his own talents, and if you were to ever find out about this, you’d be amazed on how fast his improvement rate was. Needless to say, he had a little celebrity crush on you for a lot of reasons, from your lovely personality to your fans to your charismatic presence on stage. 

peep euiwoong - i mean

hit my inbox up y’all!! and here is my masterlist!! + sorry if this was a bit shitty lol