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makingoutinyour30s · 7 years

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one part of me sighs, “boys are dumb.” another says, “this is really all about the bison.”

Oh hi, S!

I just want to take a moment to voice my anxiety now that I have finally made an appearance. I realize my first blog post better be really damn good.

S, I am not annoyed with you for how you are feeling. I feel a mess of emotions, most fueled by the love I feel for you and how much I want this to be easy, joyous, enriching, and simply happy for you. When things are harder than they should be my sister-feathers get ruffled. You are not wrong to sense that I am annoyed, though. My annoyances circle around me a bit like a swarm. Hard, at first, to find the center. But, as I’ve reflected on it the center isn’t you. It is, as you might expect, DD4. Perhaps even more accurately, my struggles in coming to a stable understanding of what is going on here.

I know that through this experience you have sometimes been less than vulnerable. Felt that you have been choosing to stay guarded when maybe, you know that you are more interested in engaging with life bravely and without walls up. However, like I said to you this morning, I have felt like you told him much more clearly than he has communicated to you that you like him. You have physically initiated. You have been cute and charming. You have been thoughtful about the experiences you’ve crafted to share with him. You have carved out space for him physically, emotionally, cognitively, and socially. You have explicitly said that YOU like HIM. While you have used strategies to avoid opening up in many ways, you have not filled your answers with vagaries when it comes to how you like him. My greatest unease comes from his employment of ambiguity in answers to questions that specifically place YOU as the subject. He is a smooth and thoughtful talker when it comes to topics where HE is the subject. I think I just want to see you at the center of his thinking. My own stuff with J made me realize that I am someone who can be spun around by smart people who know how to talk about feelings and desires but then exhibit behavior that feels incongruent. Some of what you’ve shared gives me that familiar feeling of being spun.

One can be spun by accident and one can be spun on purpose. We both tend towards giving people generous reads. Giving people the benefit of the doubt. Giving people space enough to fuck up with us without losing us. A new edge for me, a new skill I am learning now is to simply notice and then pay attention to an underdeveloped intuition. The feeling that something here is off. By no means do I think that things are over here. By no means do I think DD4 is a Bad Dude. I want you to engage hopefully. I want you to manifest exactly what you want and we have talked about how it is important to engage in interactions with the energy you wish to infuse them with and not out of places marked by fear and hesitation. During this time of confusion, I think my expressions of annoyance are my way of holding some of that for you. Holding some hesitation. My left eyebrow raised, firm gaze, eyes slightly narrowed, arms crossed, standing in front of my sister feeling a bit unimpressed by what sometimes looks like a very handsome but “dumb boy.” You just deserve more. That is all my annoyance is trying to communicate to me and to you.

Last night I had some friends over for dinner, drinks, games, and hangs. Near the end of the night, after you and me texted a bit, I filled them in on some of the latest happenings with DD4. They know a bit about what happened with OH and have asked about you from time to time. (You’ve got a little network of concerned strangers out here.) As I relayed the specifics and described the state of things (as of last night), they all effectively responded with “boy bye.” As you and I both tend to be more generous, I felt surprised by the firmness in their response. “Not worth it and this feels like game playing,” one said. “Boys are stupid but they are usually clearer than this,” another chimed in. Some unimpressed grimaces went around the room. But, I felt uneasy about this too. We are researchers right? I kept thinking, especially early on in getting to know someone, how on earth do you tell the difference between someone retreating and needing time to think and someone who is playing games? How can you differentiate between someone who is self-reflective and trying new and unfamiliar ways of being in the world (which would explain being clumsy in their execution) and someone who is manipulating things to keep them unclear? What is the right balance between being firm about what is right for you and being generous with others and allowing people to learn and grow and fumble things? How can we be advocates for ourselves while embracing that people are imperfect? I just do not have a good answer to this. And perhaps it is unknowable early on. I do feel like a detective, though, trying to suss that out.

My verdict is still out as to whether DD4 will or will not be capable of giving you that which you deserve. I have been playing a ton of basketball again, and I feel a bit like a coach, giving one last start to a player who has a ton of inherent potential but who has not been applying himself enough. A player who is not showing up for the team enough to go to the next level or in ways that I believe he is capable of showing up. I am waiting to see if DD4 can be a leader, a co-captain, and deserves to start more games—or if he’ll be moved to the second string (a friend), or ultimately benched (not even a friend). Right now, depending on his next moves, the generous part of me that feels right about accurately seeing his potential is willing to give him another start.

As I was beginning to outline my thoughts, L was in the kitchen making us breakfast when she suddenly came into the living room. In her blue patterned robe, she walked in with conviction, and stopped just a few feet into the room. “It feels to me like S thinks she has something to prove and she doesn’t. Not to him.” I agreed. Then, “I had something else, but I forgot.” (She never remembered, by the way.) I jotted down the comment about proving something and smiled at how endearing I found her second comment. She turned and left, returned to making poached eggs. S, you don’t have anything to prove. Not to him. I think you had something to prove to yourself about vulnerability. About bravery. About not letting yourself down. Something about how you would push yourself to remain vulnerable and to engage with the world wholeheartedly despite the hurts you have suffered. Despite having spent time in Azkaban. Despite sometimes still shaving off old layers left behind by the time spent with OH.

I have been talking a lot about feelings and vulnerability with a new important friend I met on that retreat I went to, which we all affectionately call “therapy camp.” (An experience I should tell you more about in its own post perhaps.) I shared with her, and I want to share with you this amazing supernatural “advice column.” It’s poetry, really. A poet channels Baba Yaga (my girl!) and offers profoundly beautiful perspective to people’s questions. All our talking about the feelings that have come up for you, about vulnerability, and about how you have handled everything life has thrown at you reminded me of this post:

When I stop investing time in thinking about DD4 and just think about you, my feelings change dramatically. And I want to tell you that I am so proud of you. Your friend joked, accurately, about how the Really Hard Time was akin to serving a sentence in Azkaban. But I don’t believe you were locked up in misery. Instead, I saw you walking, every day, towards the bison herd. OH’s actions affected you, but they did not imprison you. You never let them imprison you the way I let things with J imprison me for some time. Those experiences have not changed you and they have not damaged you into becoming some other person, some version of yourself that is forever changed or forever different. You never aimed to approach the bison as something to be killed and butchered. You also never tried to wall them in leaving them to fester and sicken. You are one of the bravest people I know.

I’ve been enjoying “bison” a lot. (Bison as emotions and bison as a visual to engaged with.) In a previous post you talked about the sensation of growing wings. Sometimes when I am feeling elated, so connected to the world or to people, or joyful about newly imagined futures in which I thrive, I imagine a posse of bison walking behind me. We stroll down the campus mall in harmony, enjoying the sun and the breezes. We listen to a new playlist I just started filled with music that make bison sway, and we radiate smiles and good vibes to those around us. You have been gentle and generous with your reads of DD4, I hope you give yourself the same courtesy when reflecting on any mistakes you may have made this round. May your bison give you a nod for the bravery you showed this weekend. May your bison give you a nod for the follow up text you sent to DD4. I’m proud of you for proving to yourself that you are capable of new ways of being vulnerable and ever more authentic ways of being in the world.

I read through a bunch of old posts before writing this one. Since the Really Hard Time, man has the sun ever come out. Some mornings maybe you still wake up to a cloudy day. Some experiences, like this confusion with DD4, bring some mist and fog rolling back in… but oh how the sun is shining on you dear sister, and it makes my heart happy.

Girl, when I see you in December, I am pretty sure it is going to feel like our bison are frolicking through downtown Chicago together. Not long now.

xo,

#dd4

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emeraldwaves · 7 years

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Title: Don’t Look Down DJ AU Chapter 11 (Read from beginning Here or Here) Pairing: Sarumi Rating: M Word Count: 7,016 AO3 Summary: When Fushimi Saruhiko is dragged to a club by some of his co-workers, he refuses to dance, earning him the attention of the lively, up-and-coming DJ, Yata Misaki. After a heated argument, the boys go their separate ways, never expecting to meet again. Little do they know their first meeting is only the beginning of their now intertwined lives.

Full Fic Under Cut. Thank you to @its-love-u-asshole for betaing!

Misaki tapped at the soundboard, his fingers twitching against the knobs. He still hadn't quite decided how he wanted to add to Mikoto's song, though they had a meeting tomorrow. After Saruhiko had left, they had decided Totsuka would sing the entire song, and while Misaki was ecstatic to be working with him and Mikoto, he was feeling a bit lost without Saruhiko. Stupid idiot.

He had tried to plan out the way he was going to execute his ideas for the song, but every time he thought about anything, it was Saruhiko's voice he heard buried in the track. It was frustrating, especially since he and Saruhiko hadn't talked since the fight in the office.

A week had gone by, and Misaki wasn't sure how to go about texting him. It was usually him who initiated things, which currently was adding to his frustrations. Saruhiko liked him, right? Misaki figured that was a fair assumption based on the activities they had participated in together. Hell, Saruhiko had initiated a few kisses, and he'd been the one to ask Misaki back to his place the other night after the concert.

He let out a large groan, and leaned back in the chair, staring at the ceiling. Idiot Saruhiko. Picking up his phone, Misaki twirled it around in his palm. He probably wouldn't answer even if Misaki did text him.

The fight hadn't made much sense. Saruhiko said he didn't want to sing, but then he got angry when Misaki had agreed to produce a song with Mikoto. He knew how long Misaki had been waiting for an opportunity like this, how much it meant to him. Saruhiko, once again, was the most confusing person Misaki had ever dealt with.

The worst part was how much it was actually affecting him. This moment should've been perfect, everything Misaki wanted and more. Even if Saruhiko didn't want to sing, he could've at least been supportive, or helped or...

Running his hand down his face, Misaki trilled his lips. He supposed Saruhiko didn't owe him anything. If anyone owed, it was Misaki. Saruhiko had done so much for him, and Misaki knew he hadn't done much but bug the guy. Still, he had somehow gotten the impression Saruhiko enjoyed the time they had spent together. Maybe he hadn't.

"Yata-san?" Kamamoto asked, peering inside of Misaki's room.

"Eh? Kamamoto?" he replied, whipping his head around to stare at his roommate.

"You okay? You were making all sorts of weird groaning noises..." Kamamoto muttered.

"Was I?" Misaki blushed, twisting the cord of his headphones around his fingertip.

"Are you stuck on the song again?" he asked, placing the mug full of tea down in front of him.

Misaki nodded. "I am. I feel like it should be easy! I mean I should be freaking thrilled to be writing a song with Mikoto, and it should feel amazing!" Misaki paused, staring at the tea in the mug in front of him.

"But..." Kamamoto asked, urging him to continue.

"But...I feel really stuck. I wish Saruhiko was..." he trailed off, blushing even harder.

"The one singing for you?" Kamamoto finished, deciding to piece things through himself.

"No! I mean, yes! I mean, Totsuka is amazing, and of course I'm so excited to be working with both of them."

"But it doesn't feel the same as when you and Fushimi worked together?" Kamamoto asked, and Misaki shook his head.

Letting out a frustrated groan, he stood up angrily. "I mean who the hell needs that asshole! He was such a fuckin' pain you know?!" Misaki snapped and plopped back down in the chair.

Kamamoto raised an eyebrow at Misaki who rolled his eyes. He hated when Kamamoto somehow knew everything about everything. He normally kept to himself, but when he did have something to say, it always seemed to be...stupidly intuitive. It was worse that the idiot wasn't actually saying anything now.

He ran his finger along the edge of the cup as he puffed out his cheeks. "I have my meeting with Mikoto tomorrow, and we're going to work on tweaking the song," Misaki shrugged. "I know it's going to sound awesome. I mean it's Mikoto-san...and Totsuka. It's just...Saruhiko and I have such a connection."

"Hm. Do you feel like what you're working on has something missing or somethin'?" Kamamoto asked.

Misaki bit his lip. "I guess." He groaned loudly again, and ruffled his hair. "I wish he could've just...said yes or whatever."

"I'm sure whatever you come up with will be awesome! You're always awesome!" he smiled. "Maybe you're thinking about it too much?" Kamamoto suggested.

"Yeah, yeah," Misaki grunted, waving him away. "I gotta get back to it," he mumbled, placing the headphones over his ears. Kamamoto was always stupidly positive about stuff. It was nice sometimes, but occasionally Misaki had nothing to say in response, especially when he had too much to think about.

"Okay, Yata-san," Kamamoto said quietly, closing the door behind him, though Misaki wasn't paying anymore attention to him.

Pursing his lips, he listened to the track once more, and began to make some tweaks and additions. Maybe he was thinking about it too much. Normally when he wrote music he had fun with it, or was inspired by something. However, even though Mikoto was the one who had gotten him so hype about music in general, he was struggling. Maybe he was too nervous? If Saruhiko had been here, it would've been a hell of a lot easier to write something with his voice.

He paused, tapping his keyboard as he went back and listened to their first, and now only, track together. Saruhiko's voice was so smooth, sexy even, though that thought did make Misaki blush. Misaki sighed. It had been perfect.

Pausing the track, he moved back to the new one, once again imagining how Saruhiko would sound on it. Though he supposed that wasn't all that bad. If he could hear Saruhiko on it, he could write it as though he had Saruhiko in mind, and then someone else would sing it. Nodding once to himself, he felt determination flow through his veins as he began to listen once again. He didn't need Saruhiko to be good. If Saruhiko really hated doing music so much, Misaki would move on without him.

"We're thrilled to have you here." Hisui Nagare's smile was unnerving for a reason Saruhiko couldn't quite put his finger on.

"Mmm Nagare-san couldn't stop speaking of you after he saw you perform." An older man spoke up, and Saruhiko quirked his eyebrow, confused by who this man was supposed to be.

"Ah, meet my manager, Iwafune-san," Nagare said, nodding his head towards the older man.

"Yes, nice to meet you, Fushimi Saruhiko," he said, bowing his head. "I am looking forward to seeing what you can do. Of course, Yukari-san is not going to be very happy to find out you've replaced him," Iwafune chided, though Nagare simply shrugged, wheeling himself to the mixing board.

"Yukari-san will survive just fine. Plenty of DJs work with different vocalists," Nagare scoffed. "You know I'm always looking to change my sound. I want my sound to mold and change with the times and myself. I've grown as a musician, and I will still be using Yukari-san for this upcoming album. However, Fushimi-san is incredibly talented, and I would like to use him for this song," he scoffed.

"Of course, of course," Iwafune chuckled, waving his hand back and forth. "We're always looking for new talent, but Yukari does get quite defensive," he said. Both men laughed this time, and Saruhiko rolled his eyes.

He was anxious to get on with the recording. Saruhiko still wasn't completely comfortable with singing in front of others, and as much as he hated to admit it, this was the first time he'd be doing something like this without Misaki.

Perhaps in his anger he had been far too hasty. He'd called Nagare on a whim, wanting to frustrate Misaki, and what better way to do so than to record with a rival DJ. His plan had been genius, until he realized he'd actually have to record in front of someone else. He could barely sing in front of Misaki, and he'd only been able to perform at that concert because he'd felt Misaki's radiating energy behind him. Could he really do something like this without him?

Saruhiko wasn't a musician, and had never wanted to do all the things Misaki had made him do, but the truth was he'd enjoyed it. Enjoyed everything he'd done with Misaki, no matter how reluctant he had been about it. But part of the reason he had come to enjoy the experience was because Misaki had always been there. The whole journey Misaki had been there. He'd held his hand, leading him through the confusing emotions singing had brought up for him. He'd pushed Saruhiko's back, even when he had dug his heels in, and Misaki had always loved what Saruhiko did.

But then Misaki had ruined it. Saruhiko should've expected something like this to happen. As amazing as Misaki had been for him these past few months, Saruhiko knew he should never have expected it to stick around. Happiness, contentment, they were emotions which often were fleeting around Saruhiko. That's what Saruhiko should've expected, Misaki never would've lasted.

Though Saruhiko supposed Misaki hadn't exactly tossed him aside completely. He had asked him to help with that shitty song, something Saruhiko wanted nothing to do with. Beside, it had been smarter to leave now, before Misaki kicked him to the curb. It would only be a matter of time. Mikoto had noticed Misaki, which in the end, was all Misaki had wanted, Saruhiko decided.

Misaki had dreams, and he wanted nothing more than to be famous for his music. He was so hungry for success, he was willing to give up the sound which had made him so unique. A sound which Saruhiko had fallen in love with, a sound which had brought him and Misaki together. That was the kind of music Saruhiko wanted to sing—Misaki's, the sound which had made him feel confident and happy, if only for a moment.

How could Misaki have thrown all that away? Just for the chance to sing with his stupid idol? Saruhiko couldn't comprehend it, no other person had mattered so much to him. The only person who had even come close was Misaki himself, and Saruhiko couldn't watch as Misaki threw away everything Saruhiko had loved about him, simply to please that idiot Suoh Mikoto.

Frowning, Saruhiko folded his arms, trying to focus on the conversation happening between Nagare and Iwafune. They were still going on about this Yukari guy, and Saruhiko had no desire to insert himself into the talk. However, he wanted to stop thinking about Misaki. The whole point of this was to forget Misaki, move on without him, and possibly get back at him a little in the process.

"Alright," Nagare said, smiling Saruhiko's way. "I'm sure we've bored you enough with this talk of people you nothing of. Let's get you in the booth and get you set up?"

"Right," Saruhiko said, pushing himself out of the chair.

Iwafune held the door open, following Saruhiko inside as he began to adjust the mic to Saruhiko's height. He handed Saruhiko a pair of headphones, and stepped out of the booth, closing the door behind him.

Saruhiko took a deep breath, the padded walls feeling as though they were constricting around him. The booth was tiny, but it felt as though it was getting smaller and smaller the longer he let his thoughts race. Why had he done this? He should've stuck with his original plan, and never sang again. Never before had he so desperately wished to be at his stupid desk at his stupid computer job. He even missed some of the idiots who bugged him on a regular basis.

The truth was, he'd wanted to sing again, but he also hadn't wanted to do so without Misaki, and glancing at Nagare through the tiny glass window only made him more anxious.

And yet, that fact made him angry, and a battle began to rage in his thoughts. Misaki had no problem making music without him. He could imagine Misaki was probably sitting around right now, working on the song with Mikoto excitedly, being all proud of working with his idol, even if it was a shit song. So really, Saruhiko should have no problem doing this. He'd done it before, he'd moved past his fear. Even without Misaki, he could do this, even if it felt so damn wrong.

"Alright Fushimi-san!" Nagare's voice boomed in the headphones, and Saruhiko's body twitched, shocked out of his thoughts. "We're going to play you the song, and you can listen to it a few times. I've got my voice in there right now temporarily, so sing along with me, and when you feel you're ready we'll play with things. You can change whatever you like, complete musical freedom is yours," Nagare smiled.

Saruhiko simply nodded, listening as the song began to play in his headphones. Nagare wasn't a terrible singer himself, and the song was interesting. Saruhiko could recall Misaki talking about Nagare's music style, saying it was a more intense style of dance music, closer to dubstep. At the time, Saruhiko hadn't really understood what Misaki had meant, but listening now, he could get an idea. The sound was completely different from Misaki's. It was heavy, and full of a mesh of beats and tempos. There were moments where the song picked up, as though it was building to something, but instead slowed down. The electronic sounds were almost overwhelming, and it was certainly...unique, and Saruhiko wasn't sure if it was a song he would listen to, or even like.

But he wasn't doing this because he liked Nagare's music.

The song played on repeat a few more times, Saruhiko awkwardly working to pick up the changing rhythms.

"Do you have any thoughts, Fushimi-san?" Nagare asked, after Saruhiko asked to listen to the track once more.

"...It has a lot of unique...rhythms," Saruhiko muttered into the mic, not wanting to insult Nagare. His plan wouldn't work if the man kicked him out of the booth before he even sang a note.

"Good," he said. "Does it feel uncomfortable?" he asked, and Saruhiko met his gaze. His eyes held a playfulness Saruhiko didn't quite understand, must be some sort of musician quirk. He'd seen something similar in Misaki's gaze many times, but Misaki had always seemed more pure, and excited. Nagare on the other hand, looked positively pleased by his discovery of this 'unique' music style.

"...Yes," Saruhiko said bluntly.

"Good!" Nagare repeated. "As I mentioned before, I want to shape and mold the music world. Bring us into a new era of music, and I believe these kinds of tracks will do that. Art isn't supposed to be repetitive and comfortable," he explained.

Saruhiko couldn't exactly argue with that, thinking back on how much he'd hated Mikoto's repetitive, boring song.

"Do you want to try something?" Nagare asked. "No rush, you can have as much time as you please."

Staring at the lyrics in front of him, Saruhiko pursed his lips. The moment he started to sing, there was no going back from this plan. Misaki would eventually hear this song, and he'd know what Saruhiko had done.

He thought momentarily about Mikoto's song again, and he knew he'd be hearing that too, just as much as Misaki would hear this one.

"I'll try," Saruhiko replied.

"Marvelous," Nagare said. "I'll be cutting out my vocals and you can do as you please."

Saruhiko heard the music start up again, and he waited for his cue, knowing he'd have to start. Nagare had already heard him sing at the concert, which is why he was here in the first place, so Saruhiko knew he'd have to get over his fear.

He opened his mouth, letting his mind go blank as Nagare's strange lyrics flowed from his voice. Singing through the song became almost a trance as he added runs and improvisations Nagare hadn't included. He didn't love how he sounded, but he kept going, wanting to push through the track. He kept his mind focused, staring at the page in front of him, and when the song ended, Saruhiko blinked, forgetting he had been singing at all.

Clapping came from the other side of the booth, snapping Saruhiko from his daze. Glancing out the window, he saw both Iwafune and Nagare clapping their hands excitedly. "That was absolutely perfect, Fushimi-san. I knew you'd be the best pick for this song," he smirked.

"...Thanks..." Saruhiko replied.

"It was brilliant! I want to do a few pick ups, maybe have you sing through it a few more times so we have different takes to work with. How does that sound?" Nagare asked.

"Right. Sure," Saruhiko said. It certainly hadn't felt brilliant. When he had sang with Misaki it had ignited a flame inside his blood, a rush he couldn't replicate with this type of song even if he had wanted to. His singing felt flat, emotionless, as though he were singing above the track, not in it, letting the sound wash over his body completely.

He wasn't sure why he had expected it to be the same. Nagare was nothing like Misaki, nothing at all, and it wasn't as though Saruhiko had actually agreed to this because he wanted to sing. His actions had been completely spiteful.

"Let's continue, we'll start from the top," Nagare said, turning the music on once again.

Even as regret began to settle into his chest, Saruhiko knew there was no turning back now.

"Alright team, tell me you've got something," Kusanagi stated. "I'm bumping up this single's release date by a week."

A week? Misaki felt his face pale. His part of the song was finished, or so he thought. He had yet to play it for the Homra group, but Kamamoto had said it felt finished to him, and Misaki was happy with the final product. However, he had no idea if Mikoto and the others would approve what he had done.

"A week?" Totsuka said, speaking Misaki's thoughts out loud. He tilted his head in confusion, tapping his fingers on the table. "But we haven't even recorded the song yet Izumo~" Totsuka whined.

"Mm why?" Mikoto grunted, his expression staying the same, though Misaki felt a hint of annoyance coming from his aura.

"I heard Nagare plans on releasing a new track, something unique and crazy."

"Nothing new..." Mikoto grumbled.

"That's the thing though, if it is something new that gains traction with fans...it could be a problem for our track. Right now, more relaxed dance music is in style thanks to you Mikoto," Kusanagi explained. "The last thing we want is Nagare's erupting electrical style to take over. I doubt you want to make music like that, Mikoto."

The red haired male let out a long sigh, closing his eyes.

"Exactly. So, Yata-san, show us what you got."

Misaki swallowed, and quickly nodded, placing his laptop on the table. "I had...a few ideas to add to the track, as well as the lines where Totsuka-san would sing," Misaki said. "I hope you guys uh...like it."

"Stop being so nervous," Mikoto said, placing a hand on Misaki's shoulder. "We wouldn't have given it to ya' if we thought you'd suck."

Blushing, Misaki glanced at Mikoto's hand on his shoulder. "R-Right.." he nodded his head quickly, his hat falling down over his eyes. Clearing his throat, he pushed it back and opened his laptop, pushing play on the track.

He kept his eyes down, staring at the specks on the table, trying his best to focus on anything but their faces. He couldn't look at their reactions, he was far too terrified.

"Hm," Mikoto grunted, and Misaki jerked his head around to stare at the noise. He was nodding his head up and down ever so slightly.

"Wow..." Totsuka whispered as the end of the track faded out. "That...was awesome!" he cheered.

"You made it better," Mikoto said flatly.

"R-Really?!" Misaki said, standing up as he slammed his hands on the desk. Blushing, he slowly lowered himself back into the chair. "S-Sorry...I'm just happy you like it. I, uh, spent a lot of time perfecting it, I didn't want to ruin what you already had."

"You made it better," Mikoto repeated, nodding his head again.

"You did!" Totsuka said leaning forward. "I am so excited to be singing this song! Your friend is really missing out," he teased.

Misaki froze. "R-Right..." he chuckled awkwardly.

Saruhiko was missing out. This was supposed to be an amazing experience for both of them, for all of them. As much as he had struggled through the song thinking about Saruhiko, Misaki was still a little shocked Saruhiko had completely abandoned him like that. He could imagine Saruhiko sitting at his computer desk, looking grouchy, working on new tech stuff Misaki didn't understand at all. He could've been here, they should've both been here together, but Saruhiko was so damn stubborn. Misaki really had hoped Saruhiko would change his mind and sing with him. He'd come so far, overcoming all the frustrations he'd felt with music, but in the end, he'd gone back to his boring old job. Swallowing, he let the air empty out of his lungs, he'd promised himself he wouldn't waste anymore time worrying about Saruhiko. He'd been the ass, not Misaki...it was Saruhiko's fault he wasn't here.

"Fantastic! Let's get you guys over to the studio then!" Kusanagi said, clapping his hands together.

"Eh? Right now?" Misaki asked, glancing at Totsuka and Mikoto, both looking completely un-phased.

"Yes, right now. Do you have other plans?" Kusanagi asked, raising his eyebrow, as he turned to head out of the office, quickly followed by Mikoto.

Misaki quickly shook his head, standing up immediately to follow after them. "Don't worry," Totsuka chuckled, placing his hand on Misaki's shoulder. "They do this," he said. "Kusanagi is very...prepared. He usually likes what King does, so he sets up recording sessions early. And King just goes with the flow."

"Yeah, I'm...slowly catching on," Misaki chuckled.

They arrived at the studio barely 15 minutes later, and Totsuka was quick to hop in the booth. It was such a contrast to Saruhiko who Misaki had to practically pushed into the booth, desperate for him to just sing.

"So...how do you guys go about doing this?" Misaki asked, taking his seat next to Mikoto in front of the soundboard.

"Just leave it to Tatara," Mikoto said waving his hand. "I make the music, he makes the vocals. Don't worry."

Winking, Totsuka leaned over, giving them a thumbs up through the glass window which peered into the booth.

"Yeah, okay," Misaki nodded.

"He's...excited," Mikoto said, a small chuckle escaping his lips for a moment. "He usually gets like this about recording new shit," Mikoto snorted.

"That's...cool he's so passionate about your music though," Misaki said quietly.

"Mmm..." Mikoto glanced towards him. "Yeah. It's good to find a singer who can bring your music to life, and is excited about it."

Biting down on his lip, Misaki nodded. "Yeah, it always feels really good to have a singer who fits your stuff really well."

"Yeah. Don't worry Tatara is gonna sound great," Mikoto said, keeping his gaze fixated on the excited blond in the booth.

"O-Oh! I know...Uh...sorry, I wasn't trying to make it seem like Totsuka-san would do a bad job! He's incredible...one of the best singers I know! I'm...I'm so lucky to get to collab with him!"

"Yata...I know," Mikoto snorted, raising an eyebrow at him. "But I can tell you miss your friend. Talk to him again."

"What?! No way! This is the best opportunity I've had and Saruhiko gave it up! He's the one who walked away from me. If anyone is going to talk to anyone, he's gotta talk to me!" Misaki snapped.

"Alright," Mikoto shrugged.

Slouching down in his chair, Misaki sighed. He was such an idiot, getting all worked up about Saruhiko like that in front of Mikoto. How uncool! Though, looking at Mikoto, he didn't look too upset, actually he didn't look like he cared at all.

They had Totsuka listen to the track a few times, only two, before he was ready to try something. Totsuka's voice was pure, clean and bubbly, sounding excited and smooth over the track. It was a nice sound, and it was actually better than Misaki had expected it to be. He loved Totsuka's voice, but no matter how hard he had tried, he'd imagined Saruhiko's voice when he had been working on the lyrics. Still, listening to Totsuka now, Misaki did like how he sounded. It added to the meshing of both his and Mikoto's styles.

"That was great Tatara," Mikoto said. "Let's go again."

"Amazing!" Misaki cheered, giving him the thumbs up. It was incredible watching how fast Totsuka worked, and Misaki assumed this was how actual professional singers did things. Totsuka was so comfortable behind the mic, it looked as though everything in the booth, everything in the song belonged to him and only him. Admittedly, it was nice not having to push and fight with his singer to actual sing.

And yet...

Misaki stared into the booth, watching Totsuka sing with such beautiful passion over the track. It should've been perfect, it should've been everything he'd dreamed of. Misaki had been waiting for this moment for so long, collaborating with the two people he respected the most in this industry.

And yet...

The ghost of Saruhiko's voice in the track haunted Misaki. It had never been there of course, but Misaki felt like it had, and though Totsuka's voice was beautiful and full of emotion, Misaki missed how raw Saruhiko's vocals were, how unpolished everything was about him.

"Perfect," Kusanagi says. "You guys are going to blow Nagare's track out of the water," he chuckled, listening to a rough playback of Totsuka's vocals over the song.

"Of course we are!" Misaki cheered. Kusanagi was right. Totsuka sounded amazing, and the song sounded amazing. Yata Misaki had collaborated with Totsuka Tatara and Suoh Mikoto, and it was a dream come true. Actually he was kind of tempted to pinch himself to make sure this had actually happened. There was no point in focusing on stupid Saruhiko, not when he was experiencing one of the greatest moments of his life!

Saruhiko had never felt so damn relieved to sit at his desk that Monday. He'd been gone for a few days due to the recording and the concert, and he was so happy that finally, finally things were back to normal.

Quiet. But normal.

And really...wasn't quiet what he wanted?

He glanced at his phone, the screen black and unchanging. He tapped the button on the screen, making it light up with the time. No new messages. He wasn't sure why he expected anything. Nagare had no reason to contact him, and Misaki sure as hell wasn't going to after the damn fight they'd had.

Minus Munakata, none of his coworkers had come to the concert either, so none of them were bugging him about it, or trying to get details, and it was...nice. He didn't want attention from them or anyone for that matter.

"Ah, good morning Fushimi-kun!" Of course his silence was extremely short lived.

"Mmm..." he grunted, keeping his face glued to the screen. Since Munakata had been quiet about going to the concert, Saruhiko could only hope he'd stay that way, especially around the others at work. There was a tiny itch Saruhiko had, wanting to ask Munakata how exactly he knew Suoh Mikoto, but he didn't want to talk about that guy, nor did he want to bring up stuff with the concert.

"Do you think you could join me in my office for a moment? I have something I'd like to discuss with you," Munakata said with a smile.

"...can it wait?" Saruhiko grunted. "I'm kind of in the middle of something."

"Are you?" Munakata smiled, peering over the cubicle. "It looks to me as if you're simply staring at your home screen currently."

Flaring his nostrils, Saruhiko let out a huff of breath. "Fine," he growled. "I'll be there in a minute."

"Marvelous!" Munakata said, and left him there.

Saruhiko groaned. What the hell could Munakata possibly want to talk about? Sure, he'd taken a few more days off than normal recently, but he rarely took days off, and it wasn't as though he was behind in his work. Everything he'd been doing recently had been on time, and well done, which was more than he could say for people like Hidaka and Doumyouji.

Flicking his computer screen off, he made his way to Munakata's office, knocking once before he entered.

"Good to see you today, Fushimi-kun. The office misses you when you're not here," Munakata said, leaning forward in his chair to rest his head on his hands.

Saruhiko clicked his tongue. He was certain they didn't miss him so much as they missed him picking up their slack and getting extra work done when he stayed later than all of them. "I'm sure," he mumbled.

"I am being serious," Munakata said. "Doumyouji-kun and Hidaka-kun are quite lost without you, and Akiyama-kun, my most proficient worker besides you seems to be slacking without you around as much."

"Sir," Saruhiko began, his eyebrow twitching. "Frankly, I don't see how this is my problem."

"Oh, it is not, I assure you. I simply wanted you to know how...well-liked you are here. This being said, I wanted to speak to you about your future at this company."

"My future?" Saruhiko retorted quickly.

"Yes, your future. As you now know, I am...somewhat close with Suoh Mikoto. A story for another day perhaps," Munakata began, and Saruhiko was damn grateful Munakata had decided to save his breath. "Anyway, I was told you turned down the chance to collaborate with him and your friend, Yata Misaki was it?" Munakata inquired. "I was...curious as to why."

Saruhiko's eyebrow twitched again. How the hell did Munakata find this shit out? Sure, he was friends with Suoh Mikoto, but then again, this was so like him, sticking his nose into Saruhiko's business when it didn't actually belong there.

"What does this have to do with my future here at this company?" Saruhiko grunted.

Munakata chuckled. "I suppose it doesn't affect much if you keep rejecting these opportunities. But I was surprised to hear you had. With your singing voice, Fushimi-kun, I'm sure collaborating with Yata-kun more would be quite good for you."

Clicking his tongue louder, it took every restraint Saruhiko had to not snap at Munakata for not minding his own business.

"I thought perhaps you'd prefer to pursue singing as a career, instead of working here. You're very intelligent, and losing you as an employee would be a blow to us of course. However, Fushimi-kun...I do know you quite well at this point, and I don't wish for you to feel obligated to stay."

Blinking, Saruhiko stared at Munakata for a moment, trying to process his thoughts. Munakata wasn't exactly wrong. Saruhiko did owe his adult life to Munakata. Without this job, without Munakata, he never would've been able to afford living on his own. And admittedly, he didn't hate the job. The people were frustrating sure, but fixing computers was interesting, and challenging every so often. He'd never really thought about how his life would be if he wasn't doing this. He'd never thought he would ever consider leaving. He liked where he was, and before Misaki came and threw off all of his plans, he'd never imagine doing anything else.

None of it mattered however. Munakata was wrong. He didn't imagine himself as a singer, and he'd said no to any further collaborations with Misaki, and he wasn't ever going to work with Nagare again either. He was done with singing, it was over.

"Mmm," Saruhiko grunted. "I won't be doing anymore singing anytime soon. I didn't reject the opportunity because of this job," he mumbled.

"I didn't think so," Munakata chuckled. "It's not my business to ask any more details, but I know you and Yata-kun had a fight." Munakata paused, but Saruhiko said nothing in response, staying silent. There was no point in talking about this anymore, Saruhiko decided. He wasn't going to sing, Misaki was off enjoying his new life as signed DJ, and Saruhiko simply wanted to fade into an unknown existence again.

"Well," Munakata sighed. "I won't keep you from your work," he said, and Saruhiko bowed his head, turning to leave. "But one more thing, Fushimi-kun," Munakata began, freezing Saruhiko at the entrance to the door. "Seeing you perform the other night...it was as though I finally saw you truly living. With Yata-kun, it seems you can do anything, or that was the sense I got from your singing," he said. "I would hate to see you lose that look in your eyes because of a silly fight."

Clenching his fist around the door handle, Saruhiko swung the door open and stormed away. What the hell did Munakata know anyway? He'd only known him for a few years, he didn't know how singing with Misaki made Saruhiko feel, he didn't know how Saruhiko felt about Misaki in general, how frustrating the idiot was. So what if he looked amazing and 'alive' while singing. It was a fluke, a one time thing...it wasn't going to happen ever again, especially not while Misaki was off following Mikoto like a lovesick puppy.

No, Saruhiko had made his choice.

It wasn't long before blogs and radio stations had begun talking Nagare's announcement for his new track. It hadn't come long after Misaki and Mikoto had recorded theirs, but Kusanagi had made the final decision to hold off on posting their new single until around when Nagare's came out. The plan was to release it before however, and Misaki was anxious to hear the final product, and crowd reaction. Most people loved what Mikoto did, but who knew if they'd like the addition of him.

For now, Misaki was focusing on his other songs for his upcoming album. He had recorded a second with Totsuka, and though it had turned out amazingly, Misaki would occasionally feel the slight pang of longing for Saruhiko's amazing voice.

He'd made a promise with himself to stop being down about it after the recording session with Mikoto and Totsuka. Ultimately Misaki was happy. Sometimes his brain would be filled with thoughts of how things were with Saruhiko. It would've been better with Saruhiko, he often would think, but would quickly try and shake the idea from his head.

This was his dream, being signed with Homra was going to be amazing, and he could only hope to continue collaborating with Mikoto in the future. There had already been discussion of a tour with him once both of their new albums were released, then they could play their duet together as well. As long as the sales were up, it was basically guaranteed. Touring with Mikoto was a dream come true, actually everything lately had felt like a dream come true.

Still, Saruhiko missing was a hard slap of reality. Misaki was too stubborn to call him or text him, but he kept checking his phone to see if Saruhiko maybe would, even though he knew damn well Saruhiko would never. It sucked. They had been so close...to something. He'd just started to think that maybe...he loved the asshole. What a fool he'd been. One stupid fight had ruined it all, why the hell had Saruhiko not been more understanding!? Misaki groaned every time he thought about it. It was growing more and more frustrating and Misaki hated how often he felt down thinking about it.

The real problem was, Misaki missed Saruhiko. Missed his voice, missed collaborating with him. And more than his voice, Misaki missed Saruhiko. He missed Saruhiko's grouchy attitude, and he missed getting to bug him through texts all the time, and he missed getting to kiss him, and touch him...even though they had only done that a few times, Misaki had really really wanted to do it more. Usually, it was too much to even think about it.

"How did it go?" Kamamoto asked, when Misaki walked in from his session with Totsuka.

"It was good," Misaki said, tossing his backpack on the floor and plopping on the couch next to Kamamoto.

"Just good? You were recording with Totsuka today right?" he said.

"Yeah it was awesome!" he chuckled, leaning back with his arms against the couch.

"That sounds more like the Misaki I know," Kamamoto said, nudging his side.

"Shaddup! I'm still not used to this."

"What? Getting to work with your music heroes?" Kamamoto teased.

"Yeah! Exactly! It's just a little surreal you know?" Misaki said. "Plus...I'm still having that problem where I hear dumbass Saruhiko's voice on everything I do! It...kind of throws me off when I hear Totsuka sing them."

"Really?" Kamamoto said, looking shocked. "Isn't Totsuka really good though?"

"Yeah..." Misaki muttered. "I mean he's amazing! I love his voice, especially on Mikoto's stuff, they just...mesh so well you know?!"

"Well, they're dating right? I know there's been rumors about it..." Kamamoto said.

"WHAT?!" Misaki yelled. "They are!?"

"Eh!?" Kamamoto blinked. "I figured for sure you'd know since you've been around them in person unlike most of the tabloid writers..."

"I had...no idea..." Misaki blinked. "But I guess that does make sense...As to why they mesh so well." Blushing, Misaki thought of how good Saruhiko sounded on his song, and how it had led to other things between them.

"So you feel like Totsuka isn't right for your songs then?" Kamamoto asked.

Misaki shook his head. "No, he's still amazing. His voice is incredible, and I actually can't believe the Totsuka Tatara is singing on one of my songs. But you know when you have a certain sound in your head...and you just...can't get it out. That keeps happening..." Misaki muttered, standing up to head to the kitchen for water.

"Hmm. You gotta do something to forget about that guy," Kamamoto said, leaning on the arm of the couch. "Maybe imagine Totsuka singing your stuff when you're working on it."

"I've been trying that!" Misaki moaned. "It's just...not working so well."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out. You always do!" Kamamoto cheered.

"I gotta!" Misaki said, filling up a cup with some water. "I mean I gotta make this album good you know? It's my first one!"

"Yata-san, no matter what you do, your album is gonna be freaking awesome!" Kamamoto chuckled.

"Maybe..." he sighed, sitting back down on the couch, and kicking his legs onto the table in front of them.

"Oh! You know what I heard, Nagare's single is going to be previewed tonight on the radio in...5 minutes!" Kamamoto said glancing at his watch.

"WHAT?!" Misaki said, slamming the cup on the table. "We wanted to release our single first! Shit! Kusanagi is going to be mad."

"Well it's just a preview...not everyone will hear it," Kamamoto said. "It's not like it's going online."

"Argh! Still!" Misaki growled, dashing into his room. He dug through his drawers looking for his old portable radio. Frantically tossing clothes and trash around, he finally found it on a shelf near his closet.

He ran back to the living room, placing it on the table as he tuned it to the 'Hits' station.

"Dammit!" Misaki cursed again. "I can't believe this!"

"You can still release it first," Kamamoto said. "Sorry I didn't realize this was such a big deal."

"Of course it is!" Misaki snapped. "We don't wanna be competing with Nagare's new sound. Whatever it is..." he grumbled.

His heart pounded as he heard the radio announcer talk about Nagare's new single, and how unique and interesting it was. Misaki normally loved his music, and any other time he probably would've been thrilled to hear a new track by him, but for now he was a complete ball of anxiety. What would it sound like? Would it be good? Would it be better than his and Mikoto's song?! Would their song flop which would cause Misaki's album to flop, and then he wouldn't get to go on tour and lose his signing?!

"And now! We're happy to bring you a preview of Nagare's new song, featuring up and coming singer, Fushimi Saruhiko."

Misaki froze, all thoughts of failure slipping from his mind. "..." Picking up the tiny radio, he turned to Kamamoto, whose face looked confused, his brow furrowed. "What the hell did it just say?!"

"I-I dunno!" Kamamoto choked out.

"Did it...did it say...did it...Saruhiko?" Misaki felt his mouth run dry, and he stared at the device in front of him. There was no way to rewind, so as the song began, all he could do was wait and listen. The song seemed to play in slow motion, each beat felt painful as his head began to throb. He couldn't focus on what the song sounded like.

Had Saruhiko sang with someone else? There was no way. Saruhiko could barely sing for him...let alone anyone else...

The first line came in, and Misaki felt his heart flutter, and then immediately sink. He knew that tone so well.

Saruhiko was singing on a song Hisui Nagare had written.

#sarumi #Misaru #fushimi saruhiko #yata misaki #k project #k project fanfiction #chapered #DJ AU #Don't Look Down

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