#so needless to say we're all fine dont worry

[todayisafridaynight]

Is underage drinking more excepted in Filipino culture? ps I’m not judging or worried (well maybe I was a little) I’m just curious.

yeah LMAO, im pretty sure every culture but america's is really lenient on letting kids drink so long as their parents are there

[ghoullguy]

(ED) so i was reading this one yoi fanfic and i have some complaints bc im a bitch like that

so in this fanfic, which im not gonna name bc god forbid the author sees this and shit starts, yuuri quit skating bc of an ed

now, i have an ed. ive had several actually, since i was 11. first it was bed, which led to ana, which i'd gone into recovery for by 16, after losing a shit ton of weight and muscle, which as a figure skater, affected my skating. i relied on muscle to power me through jumps, and once i lost all the weight and my muscle, it made it difficult for me. so, i recovered. then, at 17, i injured my hip and couldnt skate for a while. this completely ruined me. i was convinced that because i had to take off time to heal, i could never compete again. i was too old, and eventually, too fat to ever be anything in the skating world. i relapsed, and the past year and a half has been a constant cycle of starving, then binging and purging. eventually, it became full on bulimia. i had a month or so back in december where i ate normally and felt normally about it, but then it came back, starving instead of purging this time. needless to say, i am experienced with eating disorders and recovery from them.

this fanfiction portrays ana as a fear of food. that is absolute bullshit. talk to any anorexic, and you'll see that people w eds fucking LOVE food. its what drives us, its all we think about. its not the food itself we're "scared" of, its the weight and what that implies about us. for me, having done ballet and skating for my entire childhood, i felt pressure to be thin so i could deserve to be a skater and a danseur. if i wasnt thin, i felt like someone pretending to be those things. that, and i have to push myself to exhaustion to feel like i deserve to eat. it is NOT a fear of food. repeatedly throughout this fic, yuuri is shown being legitimately afraid of food, even crying while eating. that is the most cliche, unrealistic portrayal of eds, and it makes the fic much worse bc of it. its a little infuriating actually, bc it shows that whoever wrote this doesnt understand the experience of actual anorexics. and before you shit talk me, saying everyone has different experiences, i have several friends, both irl and online, who also have eds. none of us have ever acted like that. ever. go on any ed forum, and no one will say thats what having ana is like. its the way the media portrays eds, not the actual reality of having an ed.

then comes the recovery arc, though arc is a kind word for it. basically, phichit and yuuri have a talk, he eats three meals that same day, and the only struggles hes shown having is gaining three pounds. now, when you have an ed, three pounds feels like thirty. i can understand that part. however, yuuri just decides to recover, and never goes back on that decision, never is shown having anxiety abt recovering. he just... starts eating. that is absolutely NOT how recovery is. then, in a later scene, he and viktor are abt to have sex. despite his prior insecurity about gaining three lbs, he shows no hesitation in showing his body to viktor. then, the morning after, he (unprompted) starts talking abt wanting pancakes. do i even have to say that this is unrealistic??? does this author not realize that the first person someone w an ed worries abt after gaining weight is their partner??? especially asking for and talking abt such calorie dense food, anyone w an ed would be worried that their partner would see them as fat, or worse, assume they were faking their ed. so yuuri, who just entered recovery, just being fine w viktor seeing him with new weight, fine w him seeing him eat food that makes you fat is just so so so wrong. it feels like this author watched to the bone once and decided they knew everything abt eds.

so, in conclusion, if ur going to write a fic w eds as a prominent plot point/character feature, make it realistic. or, better yet, DONT FUCKING DO IT IF YOU DONT HAVE AN ED. DONT WRITE ABT AN ED YOU DONT HAVE. bc u will never understand the experience of living with it and through it. if you want to read my own fanfiction abt eds, my ao3 is linked in my bio and the work is for bungou stray dogs, its called None of Your Concern.

last but not least, if u feel the need to argue w me or be mean, the block button is a couple of clicks away. if you dont use it, i will <3

[myivfjourney]

Naps? Yes please!!

9/3/20

Ok, so it's been a few days since I've written - alot has happened!

Quick update to my last few lines in my prior post.

I got the "go ahead" from the doctor to begin stims..the TSH of 3.5 doesn't seem to be a current concern.

My husband got the job and signed his offer today ! Yay!

My meds didn't come on the Thursday like expected inspite being in the phone for 2 hours dealing with it. They came Friday after further investment of time.

Anyways...

Backtracking to last week of August...

I finished the last birth control pill August 24 and was so ready to move to the next step. I had so much back and forth phone calls with the specialty pharmacy that my meds came the Friday. I day before I needed to start them although my doctor and I confirmed the orders weeks prior. I was so upset. Had I not called to verify a few days prior it would have not made it in time. Always very people.

Anyways we begun stims on Saturday August 29th. My husband and I rewatched the videos to be sure we were "doing it right" ...we made it out the first night alive. Menopur stings ladies! But the good news is it does go away after like 1 minute.

I'm on day 6 of Stims right now and all I want to do these past few days is nap.

The stims have gifted me a small lingering headache and complete tiredness. YAY!..u really shouldn't have.

On the same day we begun stims I started spotting and by Sunday I had a heavy flow. Monday morning I couldn't wait to call and find out ...apparently its "withdrawal bleeding" from the birth control and also my uterus is shedding its lining. Since it measured 8" last time, I had lot to lose thus bleeding for 2 more days. I'm spotting today..still pink..but hoping it stops soon.

Last night I had to get 3 injections because the re-inject pen for Gonal would only give me a dose of 100IU since we've used 200 IUs each night thus far as my dosage (it comes as 900) ..but..the night before somehow when my hubby injected me, only 175 IUs discharged so I needed another shot of 25 to even out the 200. So needless to say two nights in a row I've had 3 stabs to the belly...how lovely! I've gotten use to it so its fine.

I visited the doctors office on Wednesday (yesterday) and looks like we're pacing well. They want to see me tomorrow again for further monitoring.

Can I just tell you about my left overies for a quick sec? I mean..I've already covered my periods so why not.

My left girl seems to be hiding out behind my uterus down under. So finding her is always a bitch. The nurse looked for a good few minutes before giving up. She then called in the doctor to look around for her. I waited about 5-8mins on the bed (on my period) after being poked around with the probe for several minutes. When the doctor came, in order to find her, I was asked to literally turn and lie on my right butt cheek while the probe was inside ...only then Ms. Lefty graced us with her presence....they got the picture they needed.. ( when he saw her I heard him count out to 10 but I didn't ask what it was..follicles? ) Gosh I hate this process. It's so gross. I wonder if it will be this hard when I'm going in for egg retrieval? I can't go on my right butt cheek under sedation...oh my God. The cramps that will follow...

I am hopeful for tomorrow's visit. I'm starting to feel very "lumpy" in the sides of my belly. Something is happening ...aka...growing!

The doctor didn't say anything about follicles yesterday so you bet your ass I'm asking tomorrow. I need to know what we're working with here. I was instructed to stay on my current dosage of meds until next visit.

Cheers to good news tomorrow. God knows I need it.

On a different note outside of IVF -

I lost my Job on Tuesday Sept. 1, 2020! My position was eliminated and I'm now a statistic of the wrath of Covid. I dont want to get emotional but sometimes I can't help but feel defeated. I need to find a sense of worth and value. I haven't spoken to my best friend or anyone about this process, my career downturn and how I'm feeling. Partly because I don't want to be pitied and treated "special" like a delicate lamb or something. You are my only outlet of expressing how I feel. The anonymity helps for transparency.

With my body not able to conceive naturally I've had to turn to science for my miracle....and thank heavens for science... while its a challenging process I was ..and still am..going to be strong and positive through it. But, things like losing the job you loved so much and the amazing benefits that it provides is a big hit. I had an amazing position with an amazing company...amazing compensation and worked with amazing people...and now its all gone. Officially on September 18 my coverage ends. Luckily my egg retrieval should be well before then.

My doctor will most likely opt for a frozen transfer (higher success rates) so that puts me into October and I feel like I'm in limbo. Do I still apply for jobs now knowing I have so many doctors visits still upcoming and when I get pregnant will I face any discrimination and not be hired?

I never heard back anything from the job interview last week btw. I must have applied to about 50 job postings at this point. No interviews and a few rejections but mostly crickets.

Am I worrying too much? 😕

Well you try going through Stims...tell me how you feel.

My hubby's position was also eliminated and so he was technically out of a job for a week. But his boss ( same company) before he got promoted reached out with an opportunity. He interviewed and got the job. So he's back reinstated with his company after 1 week and starts this new role (promotion with more pay) on Tuesday after the holiday. Crazy times I tell you.

Anyways...as usual I chirp away...more to come after my visit tomorrow.

Off to take another nap.....yawns!!!