#so my lunch is making me super nauseous which fucking sucks

[girlscience]

i have had a shitty 48 hours and all i want is a nap

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent personal medical long post

So the shit week continues. No new painkillers, i took the last expired hydrocodone, so if im still in pain tomorrow im gonna have to cut a morphine in half and see if i can tolerate it (i took a whole 15mg one on sunday when my back pain first went out, and while it helped it was way too much painkiller and i got so nauseous. The hydrocodone is 1/3 of the morphine dose, and i dont know how to cut this tiny fucking morphine pill into 3. I dunno if its even big enough to be cut in half!!)

The specialist did get me a back xray which was normal (as expected), and physical therapy, which is good, except i can only attend if i get an appointment within 2 weeks, because after that i wont have a ride, and the distance to walk there is 2.5 miles steep downhill (fine. Ive done that walk before. It would suck because of the pain.) But coming back home after the appointment would be 2.5 miles steep uphill when im probably extremely sore and can barely walk after physical therapy (has always been the case whenever ive gone to pt) and i dont think i can fucking do 5 miles. I can hardly walk the stairs in my house. (Warned u bout the stairs dogg) The occasional 3 mile round trip that i do to go to the post office when i dont have access to a car is bad enough that it puts me out of commission, especially bc its all uneven terrain no sidewalks.

I tried calling anyway and its voicemail so theyre probably at lunch right now. But it still sucks. Im so fucking tired of this.

I hate having to rely on other people - doctors or family. I hate having to make and attend so many appointments. And im not even fucking doing everything i need to. I saw this pt place has pain management (i didnt think there was any in this area so i gave up on that) so i can try asking for that too, but again, thats more appointments i need to coordinate, and last time i did pain management they basically said "see a psychiatrist for antidepressants or try medical marijuana bc we cant do anything else for you" lmao (i did the mm despite never having tried it before. It helps but its not enough lol). My current psychiatrist has exhausted every medical option for my depression. So its either they give me painkillers or something else idk what, or i just stay home and continue to suffer.

And thats a whole nother thing the rheumatologist today was like "oh why did you stop antidepressants if youre in so much pain??" My duDE I WAS SO MISERABLE AND COULDNT DO ANYTHING AT ALL. FOR FIVE FUCKING YEARS. Once i stopped antidepressants, i was able to start exercising regularly, i started drawing and writing with more enjoyment (had not drawn with regularity since 2019!!), i am more present in life, like... doing antidepressants was the worst fucking 5 years of my life. None of them helped my depression, they only made me worse. I tried every branch of them and not a single one helped. Im still fucking depressed and anxious as shit taking methylphenidate but hard evidence points to it being a great help compared with anything else ive ever taken. God that fucking "treatment resistant depression" diagnosis was the worst fucking thing. Theres like nothing else to try except super niche experimental treatments that insurance wont cover and they dont accept secondary insurance (which is the one that i could probably get to cover a new treatment but it takes a lot of coordination on both parties, like what im doing for my tmj problems and getting aligners). Ughhh. I dont wanna fucking do experimental shit either. Unless someone wants to donate me an ayahuasca vacation or something lmao. (Joke, i dont have a passport and i dont wanna pause all my other meds)

It sucks that none of my medical problems are treatable. I got permanent depression/anxiety/ocd/whatever other things that are undiagnosed despite my requests for testing. Permanent endometriosis (no cure and my body isnt accepting the medical or sugical treatments). Lifelong teeth problems (unknown if this new treatment will help my teeth or jaw yet but like.. arthritis is also lifelong and damage is damage). Arthritis thats lifelong but Mostly managed, at least during warm seasons. Permanent untreatable fibromyalgia (the antidepressants are the only medical treatment for it and never helped with pain, maybe even made it worse, and no one wants to give me painkillers anymore since like 2015. Sucks that old people can get painkillers like candy but because im young and hide my pain really well i get treated like an addict. My mom was like 'your gramma gets painkillers all the time!!' Yeah but im not in my 70s. Theres age bias here.) I got chronic untreated gerd (well, i take otc meds, and my attempts to treat it got canceled bc thats when covid was rampant, and the doc stopped prescribing me stronger meds bc i hadnt seen him in a while, bUT I LITERALLY COULDNT GET IN BC OF COVID. I just dont eat any of my favourite acidic foods anymore. I miss tomatoes. Sometimes i gotta eat them and just triple up on 3 different antacids and deal with the sore throat the next day). Well, was gonna say i got chronic insomnia but thats probably the only thing thats fully treated by 2 meds and sometimes weed. (But like. Im a nightowl. Its just that i have to fit in with society to get up in the morning for appointments. I have that like delayed body clock issue lol. So in a way it kind of is still a chronic issue, but at least im getting a full night of sleep when the body pain isnt extreme.)

But yeah. It sucks to be me. Dunno where im going w this post. Its just so frustrating when youre telling the doctor you're in constant pain and hes like 'i know. See you in a couple months.' Rheumatologists are supposed to treat fibro. But i always get hot potatoed to the next doctor. Like i get it, i am untreatable, but someone please do something! Ugh. Like theres really no options besides painkillers or weed, and i can only use weed in the evenings bc my family doesnt approve (literally said the most vile shit when i mentioned the pain clinic recommended it), plus cant use it if im gonna drive somewhere - in theory, i dont have a license lol but the point is i shouldnt have to take an intoxicant during the day!! Painkillers at the lowest dose do not intoxicate me, and in fact, make me more lucid bc it lifts the fucking fog of pain!! Wish doctors would understand how much they helped me in the past. When i was on the combo of painkillers and the arthritis med im on now, i was literally going for jogs every fucking day. I have proof of it. I probably couldnt do that now bc im a lot heavier and a lot sicker, but the point is i can be more active if im not in pain, and being active helps both the arthritis and fibro! Ughhhh.

Online is like "painkillers have not been shown to help fibro" bull fucking shit. Maybe im an odd one out. But ive been diagnosed since i was 12 and fit the fucking symptoms. They fucking help and ive been off them for so many fucking years now while all my health has deteriorated. Do you know how miserable it is to find out you have fibromyalgia affecting the nerves around your teeth? On top of my tmj problems!! I can barely eat anything since starting the aligners because my mouth is in too much pain!!

The only thing painkillers havent helped was the fucking endometriosis, which ironically, is the only reason i even have painkillers on hand for my back injury.

And god fuck i do not want to think abt the endo. Theres no quality of life when im panicking every day about when the next flare up is gonna happen. Theres no hope there bc theres no treatment that works for me. I already had a hysto but it was probably too late since the endo spread. Idk if im gonna survive the next flare. Especially because i have to stop taking the med that was possibly helping since ive been on it too long. The doctors ive been seeing have just been like "we'll cross that bridge when we get to it" which is just causing more anxiety because the bridge is like. This next month. Whenever theres a flare up, i have to stop ALL my arthritis meds just so i can take advil since thats the only thing that provides me some relief (and thats terrifying bc advil has given me an ulcer before! Because of taking it during a period and i was in too much pain to sit up for 10 minutes after taking it. Fuck endo.) Idk what to do.

Anyway. Thats the sitch. Ill try calling for pt again since this took a while to type. If theyre still closed, well, i guess ill just go fuck myself.

[moonyslove78]

KATIE!! OMG!!

I can hardly contain myself!! When you mentioned that you had wrote 5 pages in Google Docs and you had a good start on this chapter, I didn't know how to react! My favs were back in action!

And I know I've been telling you already how damn much I loved this but it's never official for me until I ramble on and on to Tumblr about it! So here's where that comes in. Also, I'm sorry for my child's need for the laptop every single time I had the chance to type this up, so am I doing this review now instead of doing my dishes, like I should be? Yes. Do I have any regrets? ZERO! So HOOOOWWWWLS it goesssss...

(Sorry, that was super corny... 😂👀)

🐺🏹SPOILERS FOR CLM - CH5 PT1 UNDER THE CUT🏹🐺

First off, I'm going to sound like a broken record here, but idc... the amount of pride you should have in your ability to scene build is outrageous. You have literally, in the brief first 2-3 paragraphs, have transported me from my living room to the cozy brown cabin in the middle of the woods. I could fucking smell the pine, Katie! Not many I know can do this... but you do it with ease and perfection. And because of that, I could easily get sucked into anything you write... Peter Parker related, or not. 👏🏽❤️

To explain just how thankful I am that you're back and writing again, I'm gonna quote the great @liz-allyn's reblog... because I couldn't have said it any better than this. Cause it really is such a gift to have the privilege to read your work.

Aylin's little conversation where she was trying to justify her NOT being in a discriminatory cult, only to realize by her own words that that may just be what she is involved in, was such a perfect set up for the rest of this chapter. The moment she started thinking just like they'd want her to (EG: "He's a stupid, low life, disgusting werewolf." -- "Who's been nothing but kind and graceful despite her attitude towards him.")

It sets the tone for how things are going to look from here on out and how things are going to unfold.

You already got my live reaction to meeting Kedi, to which I would've never known what the name meant had you not mentioned it! And to me it makes Aylin seem even more creative than I'd originally thought!

But this part had me cracking up because it's so relatable! Star was literally doing zoomies while I was trying to fold clothes earlier and when I went to hang dry a few shirts, she decided that was the best time to climb under the upside-down laundry basket (somehow? I still say she's magic✨). And the look on her face when I removed said laundry basket so I could continue to use it was as if she was saying 'how dare you!' So needless to say, they will put themselves in the strangest of places just for the attention it gets. 🥰😂

First, I love how Aylin's got this chaotic plan of hers and is packing for a weekend stay with Peter... It's like the polar opposite of what we would've expected from her at the beginning of this story.

And second, I can't say I didn't find some irony in the werewolf's company being of the feline species 😂 But also, aweeee!!! Because how freaking adorable would it be to see Peter cuddling Kedi on the hammock while they napped together?!?!?! 🥺

I died at this little scene depiction! 😂😂 I could just see this black kitty cat running out from under a patio chair to swipe a paw at this big ass black bear who's trying to enjoy his lunch... and Kedi just glaring at him for trying to steal his food. Then the tone got super tense when I realized this wasn't that kinda scene when Kedi stayed hidden. That could only mean one of three things.

YUP! I just got nauseous myself! ��� This man is something else entirely when it comes to creep factor. And add in an extra side of intimidation. He thrives on it, gets off on it, he wants to make sure anyone and everyone is fearful of him and whatever his next move is. That's a cult leader, if I've ever heard of one. He may put some of the others to shame.

(side note: I mean that in no disrespect to victims of those cult leaders, I'm just saying... Katie's ability to build a character as sinister as Sergei is absolutely mind blowing. His canon character is already menacing in his own right, but this version brings a whole new meaning of the word -devious-)

I'll give Aylin mad props here for choosing the 'I got sick from undercooked meat.' excuse here. I'd have probably froze up in this instance and not known what to say or do to talk my way out of it.

But it goes to show how disgustingly manipulative Sergei really is. Feigning his 'concern' for her well-being, while at the same time using the guilt of the worry, she'd put her mom through, by not returning home like she'd should have. (by his standards of the rules) Only to try and use his intimidation factor to his advantage, to try to get her to confess her way into something. This is also where I started noticing a fairly uncomfortable, but none too surprising, pattern with him when it comes to Aylin... and it makes want to skin something off him... and it's not gonna be a werewolf pelt, that's for sure... 😠

EWW! The 'safety baiting' and essential gas lighting! 😒 He makes me wanna reach through the screen and strangle him. But I'm glad Aylin is seeing the truth behind his lies. It's disturbing the amount of extremely intentional grooming he's doing when it involves Aylin. And I cannot wait till Peter gets a load of how Sergei is with her... I feel protective werewolf vibes? 👀🙏🏼

Again with the descriptions! I'm just fucking blown away by your ability to set the tone and atmosphere of a scene so clearly. 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

And ugh... it's her... 😒 If there's another person I hate as much as I do her significant other, it's Cal. (And Kateri, but that's a rant for another time) I can't seem to figure out who is worse when it comes to the Kravinoff's. So I will choose to hate them both just as much. Equality.

They really are the perfect couple. Both equally as atrocious as the other. I definitely sense some sort of jealousy stemming from Kraven's unwanted attention towards Aylin emanating from Calypso. You can absolutely guess that this is probably a topic brought up behind closed doors (not that anyone necessarily WANTS to know what's going on behind their closed doors). And he's totally giving Fatal Possession vibes here with his 'important guests tea'. 👀😣

When I say, I gasped! 😱😨

I was literally like "oh fuck no! no! nonononono!!"

I really thought for sure he'd found out something MORE about Peter. Not that this wasn't bad enough... but I was ready to hear him say he had him chained up somewhere in some dungeon torturing him or something! 😩

But much to my surprise, it was because of something a little more relatable... and something I probably should think about before doing so too, before I tell my cat about my incessant obsession with a certain web shooting super hero and someone hears me that shouldn't. 👀😂

I really wanted to punch him in the face at this point... 😡 First of all the 'boyfriend' part should be none of his business, especially if he's looking at it in the way he's making it seem. Ugh! God he gives me the creeps... And I know that I haven't even scratched the surface on how badly I'll hate him by the end of this. But like, that's your dead best friend's daughter. You watched her grow up practically. If anything, he should be looking at her as a daughter of his own. Not like he's some star crossed jealous lover who isn't getting his way, so he's gotta make a scene about it! 😒 And then he has the nerve to bring up the Leah situation... when he obviously knows he's touching on a sore spot by bringing her up. Mainly because he knows HE was the reason it was a sore spot to begin with.

And with the fact that he mentions Calypso is bi just makes the 'grooming' vibes even more prominent. It's almost as if he's giving her this info in hopes (for lack of a better term, considering I don't think this monster has hoped for anything in his entire life, he probably just takes whatever he wants, damned the consequences or effects it has on others... 👀😩) that Aylin will somehow fall into his trap and he can have the both of them at the same time.

👀🥰 I think this just makes it even more obvious that Aylin is slowly (but surely) developing feelings for our beloved werewolf. Whether she realizes it now or not, these aren't just friendly feelings... And I am totally enjoying the fact that she's being protective over him, even if she thinks it's just in a friendly manner. 😍

YES!👏🏽🙌🏽 Hallelujah! She's finally seeing the truth for herself! I was hoping it wouldn't take much longer before she realized that this was not normal by a long shot. Even for a group that hunts Lycans... This was sick and twisted. This was unhealthy for everyone involved. If the suspicious behavior towards her alone on Kraven and Calypso's parts weren't enough to show it, at least the fact that they'd shown the other signs of it being 'cult like' (aka A CULT!!) made her realize that Peter was for sure on to something. I know it usually takes an outsider's prospective to make the victim's see those unhealthy patterns, so thankfully Peter hadn't held his tongue about the vibes he was getting from them, because who knows how long Aylin would've dealt with these conditions before it actually started to hit her. Or would it have hit her ever? And if it did, would it have been too late by that time? Luckily, we don't have to wonder about that because Peter planted that seed in her brain, it just needed a little rain water and some sunlight to sprout into a full on realization.

Nope! NOPE NOPE NOPE!!! RUN AYLIN! GTFO AND RUN! NOW!! 😩😣

Now see, Aylin, here's what were not gonna do... We're not gonna blame yourself, the victim, here! We're just gonna be strong and figure out a way out of here and back to Peter... he can help you... the two of you can help each other... we're also NOT going to DRINK THAT FUCKING TEA!!!! 😱😨 Also, 😭🥺 'Lycans' and not 'Werewolves' made me super duper smiley for some reason. Like she was finally accepting that they weren't always the bad guys in this case.

I could quite literally feel Aylin's skin crawling during this whole display. It's definitely been obvious how overly public these two are when it comes to 'affection' or just outright sexual acts. But I feel like it's probably a tad bit different for Aylin when those previous times have been in the company of others in the community. But this is more of a personal type of setting. Where it's literally just the three of them there and she really has no choice in the matter but to be forced to watch Sergei fondle Cal.

It also goes to show that a person's character definitely effects how others view their attractiveness. Because, and I could be completely wrong here, I feel like this Kraven kinda would have that rugged hard ass hotness about him. But his personality makes him disgusting to even think about and the same goes for Calypso. Badass bitch, who's strong and probably built very well. But her completely hideous personality makes her just as disgusting, in my eyes, as Kraven. So I feel like this scene, if involving 2 different of people, would've had a much different reaction from the audience. These two just make it unappealing. 😩 But also, I'm totally here for the sick and twisted...soo bring it on! 👀😂

Exactly!! They're so twisted and devious! And I absolutely love to hate them for it! For these reasons in particular, as well as many MANY others!

I wanted to grab the damn cup from her the moment Calypso sat it down! It's always the most delicious smelling drinks that are the most lethal it seems! 😣 So the entire time she kept nervously drinking, I was yelling "STOP IT, DAMN IT! DON'T DRINK ANYMORE!!" And now she finally notices that she's the only one touching the stuff... 😩🤦🏼‍♀️ Oh Aylin...

😩😩😩

Noooooo! I do not think you'll be fine, Aylin... Well, hopefully you will be eventually... but right now, it's not looking too promising.

Ummmm... no... nothing ever good comes from something you've gotta hide behind a bookcase! ...Unless it's a sex dungeon, and even then, in this case that'd be a hard pass for me. 😣😨

Ughhhh!!! Not the copper smell! 😭😱 This is definitely not gonna be 'fine'! I just really hope and pray that they didn't drug her to the point that they have her giving up Peter's whereabouts! 😨 He's already been through enough with Kateri... lord knows what would happen if Kraven or Calypso were to get ahold of him... 😣 And then he'd think that Aylin gave him up willingly! Nooo... my heart can't handle it!

Katie! Omg... I'm, once again, entranced and sooooo ready for part 2!

I'm most definitely scared shitless, but I also need it in the worst possible way! 😩👀 The possibilities are practically endless as to what these two twats have planned, and I am also thinking of all the possibilities that could happen as a direct consequence to that plan! So like, I just need to know!

But I will be very patient and wait for the quality that you manage every single time. Just don't be surprised if I'm messaging you everyday, 30 times a day, ranting about how much I love you and your amazing brain! Cause its literally untouchable!

I can always count on you to write anything that just blows me away and transports me to a place I didn't even know I wanted to be! 👏🏽🙌🏽

But that's probably enough of my rambling to last you a couple years 😂 I just can't help it! So, I'll just end it with telling you how much I adore you and that I'll be patiently waiting for the next update! 💖💓

(I know this random Peter gif is probably not a great 'sign off' type of GIF 😂 but he's so fucking hot and I wanted to watch him breathing heavily for a few moments... 😳😳)

CREATURE LIKE ME || CHAPTER FIVE (part one): YOU'RE IN A CULT

[TASM Peter Parker!Werewolf AU]

Story Summary: Kraven and his guild of hunters have been tracking and quelling the werewolf population for centuries. The time has come for Aylin to complete her first solo hunt to prove herself to the guild. It was supposed to be simple. One wolf, one death, one victory. She never expected to end up with a secret hostage on her hands.

Chapter Five Warnings (spoilers): mild sexual exhibitionism (fondling an exposed breast) in front of an unwilling person, being unknowingly drugged

[link to chapter index]

The familiar scent of pine soothed her worried soul as she stepped through the threshold of her home. 

Their little, brown cabin, with its sturdy fireplace of stacked, gray stones, and pine needle covered roof gave off the illusion of a safe haven. She might be back in her guild’s territory but this was her house. Her home. Here, she could find respite. 

It was quiet as she stood in her cozy living room. Everything was still. By mid day, her mother would have been in the communal kitchen preparing meals for anyone who might want to stop by for a free lunch. Their guild supported their members and made sure no one would ever go hungry. They functioned as a bunch of tiny parts all moving in unison to form a single, powerful behemoth. They worked on the bartering system and the good will of their neighbors. If something was taken, something else would always need to be given. 

Mrs. Harkner, down the road, gave her time to teach the children academics, in return, the children would pick the crops from her garden so her focus could be spent on lesson planning. Mr. Jacobson, at the other end of town, couldn’t aim a gun to save his life, but was an expert in construction and could fix any housing issue that arose. In return, the hunters would make sure he was always provided with fresh game and a well stocked freezer. Eight year old Christopher Lennings would sell freshly made apple juice from the apple tree in his front yard every Saturday morning and all it would cost was the coolest looking rock you could find. Everyone had a job and everyone was taken care of. 

As long as they followed the rules. 

Aylin had formulated a plan during her five mile hike back home. She knew she would have the house to herself at this time. If she could quickly pack her car full of gear, staying out of sight, then she could head back to Peter for the next few days. During that time, she would get every bit of information she could about Kat’s pack. When she finally returned back to the guild, she could trade that information as an apology for not completing her ritual to become a full time hunter. Trading was how their guild functioned. Information could be traded for a lighter sentencing. Sergei would be more focused on taking action against an entire pack than dealing out punishments for her defiance. She could right all the wrongs before the situation got too out of hand. 

It wasn’t a perfect plan but it would have to do.

The old floorboards creaked under foot to alert the only available member of the household to her presence. Her large, sleek black cat lazily rose his head off the sofa to see who dared to disturb his nap. When he caught sight of Aylin, his ears perked up and he gracefully leapt to the floor to greet her by weaving between her legs. He gave a piercing whine, begging for attention. 

“Yes, yes. I missed you, too, Kedi.��� Aylin bent down to scoop him into her arms where he proceeded to be carried like a baby up the stairs to her bedroom loft. “Has mom been worried about me? Have you been looking after her?” 

Kedi purred, his golden eyes squinting up at her. It was a rarity to find him inside their cabin. He preferred to be out hunting for his next meal or clawing his way up the highest tree. Finding him willingly behind walls meant that he knew something was wrong. He had probably spent the night curled up next to Nesrin. Sometimes Aylin swore that he was actually a person trapped inside the body of a cat. She imagined him to be a grumpy, old man who would yell at innocent children to get off his lawn but secretly loved the attention they gave him. He was fearless, tenacious, and a ferocious serial killer of all rodents. 

A family of killers. Is that all they were?

Peter’s words from this morning still buzzed around her thoughts like an annoying gnat that refused to leave her personal space. 

“We’re not in a cult, right? I’d know if I was in a cult,” she mused down at the cat in her arms. 

He responded with a deep, guttural purr that vibrated his entire body. 

“Sergei isn’t Jim Jones or Charles Manson. He has a reason behind what we’re doing. There’s a purpose. A meaning. We’re helping people. We’re…” She paused and gave a long sigh. “My father wouldn’t have been best friends with a cult leader. He was smarter than that. He was a good man. Peter’s wrong. He doesn’t know us, does he, Keds? He’s a stupid, low life, pathetic, disgusting werewolf. He’s-” 

She stopped to listen to the words falling from her lips. No one was around to hear them and she was still holding deep prejustice for a man who had done nothing but show her kindness and grace despite her attitude. 

Lycans. That’s what Peter referred to himself as. Not a werewolf. A lycan. A person with the ability to shift into a wolf. 

A person. Not a monster.

Good and bad people. That’s what Peter had said. There were always good and bad people regardless where you stood in the world. 

Which one was she? 

Aylin carefully dropped Kedi onto her bed so she could pack a bag, trying to pull her thoughts away from Peter’s grasp and focus them back onto the task at hand. Some extra clothes, camping supplies, her crossbow, and more food would be on her list of needed items. She quickly changed out of her dress and into something more practical for forest living. She began tossing clothes out of her drawer and into the waiting duffle bag. As she turned around to pack them more neatly, she stopped to see Kedi curled up under the growing pile. 

“You’re not helping, Ked. You’ll suffocate under there if I zip it up,” she smiled softly down at the stubborn cat who merely squinted back at her. He was always able to lift her mood. “Okay fine, you can stay but I’m going to keep packing around you.” 

She grabbed an unopened pack of spare toothbrushes and ripped it apart. Carefully, she glanced over the colors, selecting a red and blue striped one for Peter. She felt like he would suit those colors…and he really needed to brush his teeth. It had probably been a while since he had a toothbrush of his own. 

With some basic grooming items taken care of and a duffle full of spare clothes, Aylin shooed Kedi out of the way to finish her getaway bag. He followed as she made a handful of trips from the house to her car, filling the trunk with everything her and Peter might need to survive for the next few days. She slammed the full trunk closed, tucking her keys into her pocket, and put her hands on her hips. A sense of determination settled over her. 

“There! We have a camping stove, some canned food, extra water…I think we should be all set for a couple days,” she spoke down to the cat waiting patiently at her feet. “If you would like to come with me, Keds, I would be more than happy to bring you. I don’t think Peter would mind the extra company.” 

Kedi’s fur raised along his back, his ears flattening, and he gave a long hiss before darting to the safety of the darkness under her car. 

“Wha- he’s not that bad, jeeze,” she frowned at his sudden change of attitude, wondering what had set him off, when she heard the crunching of footsteps making their way up her dirt driveway. 

“Going somewhere, Aylin?” The familiar baritone voice caused her skin to erupt in goosebumps. Her heart leapt into her throat as a wave of nausea overtook her. She suddenly felt faint.

She wasn’t fast enough.

The only other time she had seen Kedi display fear like that was when a black bear broke through their screened in porch one afternoon to try and grab a bite of his cat food. Even then, he had darted back out from under the safety of a chair to claw the bear across the snout before running away again. Today, he stayed hidden. 

Aylin straightened her back, attempting to fix a warm smile onto her lips, and turned around to face Sergei standing in the middle of her driveway. He was dawning his signature werewolf pelt draped over his shoulders and giving her a grin that was stretched far too thin to be anything but forced. The sight of the pelt made her sick to her stomach when she thought about the person who it once was ripped from. Barbaric. He might as well be wearing a pelt of human flesh.

Where was she going? She tried to steady her fluttering heart as a million potential answers swirled around her panicked thoughts. 

“I’m planning on going to the Catskills to hike along the Devil’s Path like I do every year,” she lied, thinking quickly. With the way her trunk was currently packed, it easily resembled a hiking trip. She could fake this scenario. 

“Isn’t it a little early for that?” He raised his scraggly brow at her. He was starting to get flecks of silver among his dark hair. The silver stood out more prominently against the midday sun and made him look closer than usual to his age. It was rare to catch signs of him aging. He seemed to always be in his prime despite how many years have passed. “Don’t you typically do that hike closer to the summer?” 

Aylin shrugged, trying to play it off like it wasn’t a big deal, “Last summer was too hot. Thought I’d go early this year.” 

“In the rainy season, I imagine parts of the hike would be really dangerous?”

She held firmly onto her bluff, knowing he was trying to break her, and kept her eyes locked with his to help sell the lie, “Sure, but isn’t that part of our training? To overcome difficult feats despite the challenges that face us? Besides, it’s not called the Devil’s Path for nothing. It’s meant to keep you on your toes. I think I could use a good challenge. ” 

Sergei squinted at her with a hard glare, “Yes. About that. I think we need to have a talk about exactly what challenges are facing you. Something seemed to bother you the other night, did it not?” 

She could tell from his tone that he was carefully keeping his voice steady. Under the surface, he was boiling. He wanted her to pay for the other night. There had to be consequences. Aylin had not only gone against his direct orders but, in her defiance, belittled his authority in front of the guild. If there’s one thing to never do to Sergei, it would be to embarrass him. She was now caught in an unwanted game of cat and mouse and she was terrified of losing. 

She widened her eyes like it was a shock to hear that and not a conversation she had been dreading, “Oh? You mean when I ran from the ceremony? I’m so sorry about that. Really. I must have eaten something weird. Probably undercooked meat. I got really sick. I spent the night on the toilet. I had to run before I had an accident in front of everyone. You know how it is. When you gotta go, you gotta go.” 

He took a step closer, a dreadful smile flicked at the corner of his lips, “Really? I stopped by your house to check on you later that night. I wanted to make sure you were okay after that shameful display you pulled in front of everyone. Your mother told me you weren’t home. Poor woman was worried sick about you. She thought you might have run off and done something stupid.” He paused, closing the gap between them. The cold metal of her car door pushed against her back as he towered over her. He propped an arm against the roof of her car to pin her in place. “Well? Did you? Do something stupid, I mean.” 

Her stomach flipped with nerves as she shook her head. She was going to lose this game. The cat was ready to pounce and she had nowhere to hide, caught in place, forced to face her demise. Sergei went in for the kill, sensing he was gaining the upper hand in their silent standoff, and threw a heavy arm around her shoulders. He had her locked tightly in place against his side and gave a loud, dark laugh as if that would expel the thick tension between them. She couldn’t run. Couldn’t hide. He had her exactly where he wanted. 

“Why don’t you come take a walk with me, Aylin?” He started to drag her down the driveway. “Cal made rabbit stew earlier. We can have some tea and lunch and discuss our futures. I have a proposition for you. What do you say, kid?” 

Despite his question, there was no choice to be had. She was going to be coming with him even if he had to throw her over his shoulder and carry her there. 

“Uh, yeah, I guess that’s okay. I should go leave a note for my mom so she knows where I’m at when she gets back…” Aylin tried to dig her heels into the dirt but got shuffled along like she weighed nothing. Any resistance would be futile. She had lost the game. The cat had caught the mouse and was now boastfully parading her squirming body down the road as he carried it proudly between his salivating jaws. 

“That won’t be necessary. I’ll inform her exactly where you are should she come asking. There’s nothin’ to worry about. You’re safe with me. You know that.” The weight of his words hung over her like a rapidly approaching storm. There wasn’t a single ounce of truth behind anything he said. 

It was only a matter of time before the cat clamped down, piercing her flesh with his razor sharp teeth. 

The Kravinoff residence was the largest house in their town. A two story cabin with breathtaking floor to ceiling windows to let in all the natural light. The eaves of the red gabled roof were decorated with ornate wooden details. They had been handcarved by Sergei Sr. when he rebuilt the Kravinoff home many years ago before his passing; his final gift to his spoiled son.

Their kitchen was larger than the floor plan of her entire house with brightly painted, red cabinets to match the color of their roof. A pot of yellow sunflowers brightened up the room to soften the red and create an inviting atmosphere. Calypso lounged against the double wide, walnut island wearing nothing more than a skimpy, silk robe. Her dark, tight curly hair haloed around her head and she flashed Aylin her infamous, pointy toothed grin. 

“Ah, the weakling has returned, I see,” she slinked over to the younger woman, standing tall in front of her. “Such a disappointment you gave the guild last night, was it not? I don’t know why Sergei holds you in such high regards. You don’t look like much to me.” 

Sergei placed a possessive hand over Aylin’s shoulder, “Now, now, Cal. Enough teasing. Everyone makes mistakes. She says she wasn’t feeling well. Ate some bad meat. Happens to the best of us. Aylin is our guest and should be treated as such. She’s here for a chat over drinks. Why don’t you make us some of your special tea?” His eyes flashed into his wife, giving her a silent command. “The kind we save for our very important guests. Aylin needs to be reminded how much her community values her.” 

Calypso smiled and bowed her head, “Of course, dear.” 

Aylin was led into the dining room with the sounds of Calypso rustling through the cabinets following her out the door. A long, black cherry dining table, lined with tall chairs, greeted them. At the head of the table was a throne, carved out of the trunk of a tree and adorned with giant wolf claws at the end of the legs. Kraven sank down onto the pelt covered seat. He looked like a true king of his castle. He waved a large hand for her to sit in one of the normal chairs beside him. 

She took a hesitant seat, having stayed quiet this whole time, terrified that speaking the wrong words would get her further into trouble. It was better to play defense with Sergei. Let him take the lead so she could match his energy. 

“It’s been a while since you’ve been in our home,” he mused, lazily scratching at his beard. “You used to visit all the time with your father. I believe the last time you stepped foot inside these walls was when you were merely 16 years of age.” 

After Samuel and Emir’s funeral. 

Sergei had held a repast at his home after the burial service. Everyone in town had attended, each bringing a dish of food or drinks, to show their support for the fallen members. Nesrin was too busy weeping in the bathroom to know her daughter was getting wasted off some stolen liquor. Aylin had snuck away from the guests with her bottle in hand to hide in one of Segei’s guest rooms. The rest of the night was a blur but she distantly remembered him finding her tucked away in the corner behind a bed and holding her while she cried. Everything after that was dark. That entire year had been dark. 

She remembered a time when she felt protected in his arms. His presence used to come with a warm safety. Now, it came with a foreboding sense of danger, like stumbling upon a sleeping rattlesnake. If she was careful enough, she might get away without a fight. If she took one wrong step, all it would take was a mere second for the snake to strike. 

“Things got bad after-” She stopped. She didn’t need to say anything else. 

Sergei gave a solemn nod, “Yes. I can imagine. Sam was my good friend. He was an important, valuable member of our guild. It was hard for everyone.” 

He was studying her face, trying to read every micro expression she held, but she kept her features stiff. She should have left sooner. Maybe if she hadn't spent so much time doting on Kedi, she would have escaped before Sergei arrived. She wished she was already back with Peter and wondered how long he would stay in her trailer before he started to wonder if she’d ever return. 

“Who’s Peter?” Sergei asked with an air of innocence, as if he had directly read her mind, but kept a close eye on how she responded. He was carefully studying her every move. 

Aylin’s eyes widened in shock for only a split second before she softened her face but there was no doubt that Sergei had caught it. Had he read her mind? There was no other way he could possibly know about Peter…was there? Her stomach churned with nerves at the question but she raised her eyebrows in feigned confusion, “What do you mean?” 

He shifted on his throne, leaning towards her, and placing his arm on the table, “When I came to pick you up, I heard you say ‘I don’t think Peter would mind the extra company.’ So, who’s Peter?”

That’s what she got for speaking out loud to a cat. She should have kept her mouth shut. 

“He’s my friend,” she lied, thinking on her feet. “Works at the gas station a few miles out. He works nights. I’ve met him a few times and we got to talking. He enjoys hiking as much as me. He was planning a trip of his own so I invited him on mine. I thought we could both use the company.” 

“Is he your boyfriend?” Sergei’s tone was light but his tense shoulders gave off the impression of a possessive, jealous lover. Aylin was beginning to see him as an overgrown child who refused to share his toys with others. She felt like she was nothing more than his property. 

She repressed a gulp, refusing to let her eyes wander from his, “No. He’s a friend.” 

He ignored her statement. “After Leah Rivera, I thought you might not be not interested in men. It’s good to know you appreciate both sides,” Sergei leaned back to give off the illusion of someone who was casually lounging instead of someone fishing for information. They were both playing a difficult game of chess, each crafting their next move, while simultaneously trying to find their opponents weakness to exploit.  “Cal swings both ways, too.” 

“He’s not my boyfriend. He’s just someone who enjoys hiking as much as me,” Aylin’s jaw tightened, giving him a stiff reply. She desperately hoped the heat burning behind her cheeks wasn’t outwardly noticeable. Her racing heart spiked at the mention of Leah. That was a name she hadn’t heard spoken aloud in years. “I don’t swing any way. Leah was nothing more than a friend, too.” 

Liar. Leah was more than a friend. She was Aylin’s childhood best friend, her favorite person, her first crush, her first love. Leah used to be her everything. 

Until she was nothing. 

“Right, right,” he chuckled. “Cal and I were just friends once. I get it. But, Aylin, you know how this guild feels about outsiders. You can not trust them. It’s best you let that friendship drift away before it’s too late. I don’t want you going on a trip with that boy. It’s too dangerous. Cancel it. Stop seeing him. There’s more than enough eligible men here for you to attach yourself to. I can think of at least three off the top of my head who would love a chance. Stay within the guild.” 

She had tried to stay within the guild until Sergei caught on about her and Leah’s relationship. She remembered his eyes flaring with hatred when he saw them share a quick kiss behind the school house one afternoon. Neither of the girls could understand why he would care what a couple of sixteen year olds got up to. It wasn’t long after that Leah’s entire family disappeared in the middle of the night. One day they were there, the next they were gone. Banished. No explanations given. No goodbyes said. Their empty house was demolished, as per tradition, whenever someone leaves the guild. Erase everything and build back up from scratch without the tainted memories. They were to never speak about the Rivera’s again. Every ounce of Leah’s existence in Aylin’s life was gone overnight until it was almost as if she never existed at all. If it wasn’t for the pictures hidden in a shoebox in the back of her closet, sometime’s Aylin might wonder if she dreamed up the entire thing. First, her best friend disappeared, then, her father and brother were slaughtered by wolves. Sixteen had not been kind to her. 

But that was years ago. Leah was gone and so was the person Aylin used to be. She didn’t want Peter to become another pained memory added to the ever growing pile of forgotten people. She would protect this one. She wouldn’t let him be another soul for Sergei to steal from her. 

Even if that made her a traitor. 

She fixed a pleasant smile onto her face, “You’re probably right. I don’t know him that well anyway. I was just looking for a hiking buddy. Not a big deal and I’d better be safe than sorry. You never really know what those outsiders are like. Although, I do think I would be able to overtake him if it ever came to that. I’ve taken down werewolves. I think I can manage to get the upper hand on a random gas station employee. You’ve trained us well.” She threw Sergie her best attempt at a cheeky wink despite the anxious tightening of her throat. Her desperation for him to believe her was suffocating. 

Outsiders. Traitors. Banishment. 

Maybe Peter was right. She might be in a cult. 

The truth hit her hard. She forced a smile onto her face despite wanting to slide under the table and crawl away. 

Canceling fake plans with an imaginary boyfriend was easier than the truth of her deception. Outsider Peter was better than Werewolf Peter. One was a simple mistake at the hands of a lovestruck young woman. The other was direct treason against everything she ever knew. 

He didn’t look impressed with her response.

Earthy, herbal smells wafted out from the kitchen door. She caught notes of lavender and chamomile mixed with some kind of sharp spice she was unfamiliar with. Sergei noticed her analyzing the scent. 

“It’s not something we grow here in the mountains,” he remarked, blatantly ignoring her attempts to butter him up. “Calypso has family in Haiti. They send her all sorts of home grown products she can’t get here. She likes to think of herself as a bit of an alchemist when she’s in the kitchen. She makes the most wonderful tea. You’ll love it.”

As if on cue, Calypso burst through the doorway with a tray in hand. A clear teapot was placed on the table in front of them. Bits of loose herbs floated around inside the amber liquid. Skinny, swirling trails of hypnotizing white steam rose from the spout. She lifted the pot to pour out the delicious smelling tea into the delicate china cups. Aylin was handed the first one. 

“For our guest,” Calypso smirked. “Made with love.” 

Aylin ignored the snarky edge to her words and gave a polite smile. She took a small sip, happy for the distraction. It burned her tongue but slid smoothly down her throat. It was like nothing she’d ever had before. Warm and cozy with a sharp tang of spice as a lingering aftertaste. She took another big gulp as it gave her something to do with her fidgety hands. 

Calypso perched on the thick arm of Sergei’s throne as she watched her guest drink, “How is it?” 

“It’s wonderful. Thank you,” she feigned a smile. She wasn’t lying. It was delicious. She just struggled to make her voice sound genuine when her and Peter’s lives hung on her every word. 

“Pleased to hear it.” 

Sergei patted his wife’s thigh, “Aylin was just telling me about her gas station boyfriend. An outsider. They’re already planning a trip together.” 

Calypso leaned against him, running her fingers through his hair, “A gas station boyfriend? Even she can do better than that.” 

“He’s not my bo-” She was cut off by Sergei. 

“I already told her that it would be best to let that relationship fade away. I think we could find her someone better. One of us. I would be doing Sam a disservice if I let his daughter run away with an outsider.” 

Aylin bit her tongue and refused to mention that her mother was once an outsider. The longer they stayed on the topic of her lie, the more anxious she became. She didn’t want to have to keep thinking on her feet. It was exhausting her psyche. 

“I said I would. It’s not a big deal,” she huffed, taking another sip of her tea. “He means nothing to me. I just thought it might be fun to have someone to hike with but I prefer being on my own anyway.” 

Calypso smirked, “That’s what I like to hear. Outsiders are nothing. They don’t deserve your time of day. You have everything you need right here.” She shifted her body to lean forward, her deep brown eyes penetrating into Aylin’s very soul. “We’re all you need.” 

She was most definitely in a cult. How could she have ever been so oblivious? 

She might be the stupidest person alive. 

This would be her downfall. The people she loved and fought to protect were the one’s holding the knife. They would be the ones to fatally stab her. Not the Lycans. 

Before the realization could overtake her, Calypso’s loose robe had fallen open when she moved and her right breast had pushed its way out from the silky material. The sight of the woman’s freshly exposed skin caused her spiraling mind to halt. Sergei’s arm wrapped around his wife to grasp onto her breast, absentmindedly flicking her dark nipple with his thumb, as they both stared in her direction. Aylin’s ears heated up with a mixture of disbelief and horrific embarrassment. She quickly averted her gaze to the table. She got uncomfortable watching people kiss in public. Watching someone blatantly fondle his wife in front of her made her want to claw out of her own skin. They had always been overly affectionate with each other but it had never been as in her face as it was now. This was different. New. It was like they were challenging her. Like this was some kind of sick test she’d have to pass. From the moment Sergei showed up behind her, she was being tested. Her every move was stuck under a microscope and picked apart with a watchful eye. 

These were not the people she once thought they were.  

A new found hatred wrapped around her like a warm blanket. They were toying with her. Teasing her. Playing with her. They were getting off on watching her squirm. They liked this. 

This was who they really were. 

Aylin focused on her tea to keep herself distracted. She heard Calypso stifle a laugh under her breath. They were getting off on her discomfort. Her head was starting to feel dizzy and her heart felt like it was pounding in her ears. She suddenly felt very sweaty like there was a fire igniting in her stomach and spreading up her chest towards her throat. She hated them. That much was clear to her now. The guild was not a safe place. It never was. It had only felt that way because she was drinking the Kool Aid along with everyone else just like Peter said. Her whole life she had been fed a lie which she happily lapped down. Her world was crumbling down around her. Piece by piece it fell with deafening crashes and she was beginning to suffocate on the smokey rubble filling her lungs. 

A headache was rapidly growing and her vision blurred for a millisecond before she blinked it back into focus. 

“Ms. Aylin was just about to tell me what happened last night,” Sergei spoke, still massaging Calypso without any hint of embarrassment. His tone had flipped, losing the fake lightheartedness from earlier. He was serious. There was no more time for games. “She was going to explain exactly why she refused to kill a wolf in front of her entire guild.” 

She was?

“For someone who claims to have killed two on her own, without any proof, you’d think a malnourished, caged bitch would be easy,” Calypso remarked. “It sounds to me like there might be a little white lie hiding somewhere in your story, dear girl. Don’t worry, darling, you can tell us. We won’t judge. We just want the truth.”  

She took another sip of the tea to avoid having to answer them right away. Was she the only one drinking? Neither of them had touched the stuff. 

Aylin didn’t want to look in their direction to check. She didn't want to watch what they were doing. They were making her uncomfortable on purpose. A power play. A way to prove that she was nothing but inferior to them. She didn’t want to be here. Her head felt like it was swimming with a million thoughts but none of them were making it to her lips. Her body was refusing to function. She couldn’t make her mouth and brain work as one. 

“I, uh,” she stuttered over her words. “I…” 

Her mind was starting to feel like it was slowly filling with sand. An hourglass at the verge of tipping. Her mouth felt dry so she downed the rest of her cup. 

“That girl- she…she…was just…so…so young…” Aylin gave a slow blink, her chin bobbing down to her chest before quickly steadying her head back upright. “I…feel…”

She was suddenly exhausted. The empty tea cup slipped from her hand to shatter into pieces across the floor. She finally turned her attention to the couple, fearing that she was coming down with an illness. She was seeing double. Their forms wavered like rain in a puddle. 

“Something’s not right,” she whispered.

“That would be the tea,” Sergei spoke, his voice steady. “Don’t worry, my dear. You’ll be fine.” 

He pushed himself up from his throne to walk over to her. Aylin slumped into his arms, feeling paralyzed, as he easily lifted her to his chest. He cradled her there while he moved through his house, each room flashing slowly before her lagging eyes, until he stopped in front of a large bookcase. 

“Wha-” she tried to speak but words were useless to her. 

Sergei kicked his foot at something hidden against the side of the bookcase, tucked away from view, where the wall meets the floor. 

With a low grumble, the bookcase slid slowly to the right to reveal a set of wooden steps leading underground. They creaked underfoot as he carried deeper into the abyss. 

The musty smell of mildew and copper hit her nose. 

“No…” Aylin managed to whisper, in a last ditch effort to protect herself before the drugs completely captured her mind. 

“Sleep now,” Calypso purred over Sergei’s shoulder. “We have some important business to discuss. You’ll need your strength. Shh, drift off, little one. We’ll keep watch over you. Sleep.” 

[CHAPTER FIVE (part two)]

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[artificialqueens]

Backyard Boy (Gottrosenali) - Pinkgrapefruit

a/n -

special thanks to the druk discord for both their help with gottrosenali as a whole and the enby central station for their invaluable help in my portrayal of a trans character. also thanks to frey for her infinite wisdom when it comes to grammar.

i really hope you like it so please let me know how you feel!!!

*

Dance with me in my backyard, boy

Looking super fine in your corduroy

Drive me ‘round the block

We can go in a loop

And we’ll turn the volume up on some

Good boy band tunes

*

Mik leans forward, head bumping against one of the front seats as he attempts to grab Denali’s phone from the cup holder. She doesn’t notice, too focused on navigating towards the Mcdonald’s, but Rosé does, and she slaps his hand like a small child.

“I love you baby boy, but I’d rather Nali drive us into a wall before I let you play Gaga one more time.” She sounds grumpy, but Mik can search out the soft undertone and he rubs a thumb over her hand before he leans back. He sighs in relief, twisting a little to try and release some of the pressure from his binder before he sits back.

“God, someone needs to get some food into you,” he jokes and he watches as Denali places her hand on Rosé’s thigh - the pink-haired girl has always been the worst for being hangry.

It’s their lunch break, and they’ve escaped into town to get a McDonald’s before they have to sit through another hour of school. There isn’t a lesson they share between the three of them, so they relish in this time together.

“Drive-thru or eat in?” Denali calls out, her volume always a little too loud for the tiny Volkswagen she drives.

“Uh,” Mik replies, “I’m paying and I need a wee, so I reckon we go inside and then eat in the car.”

Rosé grunts, and he sees Denali’s thumb slide over her tights before she sighs. “You know I hate it when we eat in here,” she moans, but then she catches his eye and rolls her own. “But sure.”

Mik pumps his fist in triumph and, once they’re parked up, makes sure to give Denali a quick peck on the forehead before intertwining his fingers with Rosé’s. Denali wipes the Carmex off her forehead with an affectionate scowl, patting his ass in return before skipping ahead to open the door.

“My loves,” she bows her head, waving her hand in a comically large gesture that makes even Rosé crack a smile.

“Chivalry ain’t dead. He hears her mutter under her breath, and he laughs in response, loving the way her eyes brighten up when he does.

He orders for them, Rosé in too much of a grump to avoid yelling at the poor cashiers, and Nali with just a little too much anxiety. He notes down the orders on his phone like a good boyfriend and then relays them perfectly, adding on a bag of mozzarella sticks because he knows Rosé will try and steal his.

"Ladies,” he bows as he holds out the brown paper bag, and Rosé loops a hand through his arm. He loves it when she allows herself to be clingy, and Denali does too, so they let her whenever she feels it - even if it means having to guide a dead weight back to the car.

She sighs and flutters her eyes open when she’s back into the passenger seat before snorting a chuckle that makes Denali do a double-take from the fries she’d been devouring.

She points hazily at the paper bag. “Mik-Donalds-” she jokes.

“Fuck,” Mik says, leaning forward again from the back seat to drop a peck on Rosé’s cheek. “God, I love you.”

Denali places a palm on his cheek while he’s still leaning forward. “Same,” she sighs. “Same.

*

I can feel the fresh air

I can feel your eyes stare

And I’m not gonna lie

I get a little bit scared

My heart is on wings

I’m living in dreams

And at the top of our lungs, we sing

*

He lets his back hit the locker with a clang, double-checking the number because even after a year and a bit of dating he’s still never quite sure which locker belongs to Rosé. Luckily, he’s proven to be correct when Denali skips over to him, slipping her hand into his and leaning her head on his arm with a deep sigh.

"Spanish not doing it for you?” he jokes, tilting his head so it rests on top of hers, watching the rest of the students trail out of the class.

“Not last period,” she sighs, rubbing her temple with her index finger. “I’m getting a headache I swear.” She angles her head to check Mik’s watch and clicks her tongue. “Where’s Rosie,” she whines, much to Mik’s amusement.

“Rehearsals will be running late,” he tells her, enjoying the way she’s curling further into his side as the bell chimes loudly above them.

She harrumphs, mewling even more as he pulls away from her side, placing his rucksack on the ground and rummaging around for the painkillers he tends to keep. He finds them, and hands them to her alongside a bottle of water that she grasps quickly, swallowing the pills with a happy sigh. When he stands, he lets her fall back under his arm and he traces patterns on her back, muttering about his senior textiles project while she butts in with questions.

As the 3:15 bell chimes, they watch the last dregs of students trail out of the door, and Mik starts to suck at his teeth in frustration. He knows he’s done the same thing when engrossed in a project, eyes only focusing on the way the needle goes through the fabric, but he can’t bring himself not to be irritated when Rosé hasn’t even texted.

“Ah, the prophetic daughter returns,” Denali mocks from in his shirt, pulling him out of his thoughts and making him turn towards the theatre department where Rosé is jogging casually down the hall.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” she calls, sliding slightly as her worn converse lack grip on school linoleum. She comes to a halt, hands on his bare arms, lips pressed against his cheek in a chaste peck. She does the same to Denali in apology, and although the girl still looks grumpy, there’s a flicker of warmth in her eyes.

“You’re driving home,” she says bluntly, handing over her keys with a scowl before turning to the door, and Rosé looks at Mik questioningly.

“Headache,” he tells her, and she nods knowingly.

“Migraine?”

“Not yet.” She sighs, shaking the keys in her hand to elicit a pleasant jingle, but Mik notices how it makes Denali wince. “Soon,” he amends before jogging to catch up to her - knowing the sun will do little to improve her mood.

“Sleepover it is,” Rosé sighs to herself, unlocking the car from a distance and watching as he helps Denali into the passenger seat - all too aware that the last time she was in the backseat with a migraine, it went terribly. She smiles, she’s not sure how she got so lucky.

*

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

Everything is perfect

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

All our words were worth it

*

Mik’s been going to the gym to cope wth his dysphoria, and it shows in the way his shoulders are getting broader and his muscles more defined. An extra bonus is the way it means he can cradle Denali in his arms, carrying her easily up the stairs. He lets her rest her head in the crook of his neck and relents when she tries to get him into bed with her, curling around her and sending Rosé off to search for Denali’s rescue meds.

She brings a glass of water and a sticky cold patch with her, which she applies gently to Denali’s forehead, coaxing a whimper out of her. They get her to swallow the pill, and then Rosé closes the curtains, padding around quietly before sliding into the bed next to them both.

Neither quite know what they would do if Denali’s migraines made her sensitive to touch as well as light and sound (they’re all too affectionate to try and withhold touch), but they’ve lived through enough of them that they know that with a dose of medication and a few hours in the dark she tends to be good as new.

They’re right, though the attack does relegate them to ordering pizza and eating it in Rosé’s ridiculously large bed (or at least this is the excuse they use on her mum when she looks at them disapprovingly).

Denali presses a kiss to Rosé’s bare shoulder and the pink-haired girl rolls over, placing a hand next to each of her shoulders and hovering above Denali with a wicked grin until Mik pokes his finger into her side and she collapses. Denali lets out a yelp, but she’s giggling while Rosé curses them both for ruining her moment.

“No funny business while Nali’s drugged up,” Mik reminds her gently - a rule they had to put into place after they made the side effects of her meds ten times worse due to some rougher activities.

It’s a situation that they’re not particularly willing to repeat.

Rosé rolls over Denali again until she’s in between them, sighing contentedly when Mik rests his head on her chest. “Movie?” she asks quietly.

“Disney!” Denali suggests, before wincing ever so slightly at the pitch of her own voice. She runs a hand through Mik’s hair and then places her head on Rosé’s other shoulder.

“I’m down for that,” Mik agrees.

“UP?”

“That’s Pixar, god, Rosie, know your animated films.”

“Potato, Potato,” Rosé replies, clicking on the title on Disney+ before tossing the remote to the side.

They don’t mention Rosé crying when Ellie dies.

They fall asleep to the end credits.

*

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

Dancing around like a clown at the circus

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

Backyard boy, you make me nervous

*

Mik wakes up to aching in his lower abdomen and it sends a shiver of fear down his spine. His boxers feel slightly damp, and he’s grateful that he fell asleep with his head on Rosé’s chest.

He flips the soft comforter over so he can see the sheets, and the sight of the blood makes him more nauseous than his cramps. He weighs his options for a second before gently stroking Denali’s cheek with a sigh.

“Baby,” he says with a quick glance at Rosé’s lit up alarm clock. It’s four am. “Uh, Nali.” Denali lifts her head from Rosé’s shoulder and blinks her eyes expectantly. They’re bleary and she lifts a hand to rub at them before she properly focuses on Mik.

In the dim room, she can see the dark patch on the white bottom sheet and she gently palms his face.

“Let’s get you cleaned up love,” she says with an apologetic smile. He nods and watches as she rolls out of the wide double and swiftly locates the pair of period pants he keeps in a hidden pocket of his duffle. She looks between them and a tampon before tossing the tampon onto Rosé’s desk and then hands them to Mik, leaning over to kiss him on the cheek. “Go on, love.” She nods towards the bathroom and he smiles weakly, watching her shake Rosé awake with a gentle hand.

When he gets back, the bedside lamps are on and Rosé is stripping the bed, tossing the spoiled sheets into a pile on the floor. When he looks around for Denali, she stops and walks over to him, palming his chest over his t-shirt and snuggling into him the best she can with the small height difference.

“She’s gone to get the Nurofen and a hot water bottle,” she tells him - voice hoarse from sleep.

“I’m sorry-” Mik starts to say, but Rosé cuts him off with a steady hand on the side of his head.

“You don’t have to apologise for anything Gottlieb,” she asserts firmly. “It’s a natural thing that happens to bodies and you wouldn’t let me or Nali say shit if it were us-”

She looks sternly.

“-would you?” He nods in acquiescence and jumps a little when he feels a warm hand on his upper arm. He smells the coconut shampoo of Nali’s hair before he sees her.

“You wouldn’t let Rosie apologise when she bled on your favourite hoodie,” reminds Denali softly, handing him two tablets and a small tumbler of water before exchanging them for a hot water bottle. He sighs when he tucks it into his abdomen, and they make him sit at Rosé’s desk while they bustle around sorting out new bedsheets.

Rosé’s mum pops her head round the door at one point, causing Mik to flush red, though Denali waves her off. “Don’t worry about this, Mrs McCorkel.” She smiles wearily. “Periods.” She shrugs, and Rosé’s mum laughs, shutting the door with a low thud.

They all crawl back into bed, Rosé insisting on spooning him from behind while he holds Denali close. She presses her lips to the back of his neck, and he can feel her smile into the skin.

“You’re my favourite man, handsome,” she states, warmth in her voice. “I love you.”

He buries his face into Denali’s hair and lets the warmness lull him back to sleep.

*

Dance with me in my backyard, boy

Looking super fine in your corduroy (five, six, seven, eight)

Roll the windows down

Let the base drop low

And everybody’s talking

But I don’t wanna know

*

Denali yelps, pulling back from where she’d been straddling Mik in such a way that makes them both fall off the window seat and tumble onto the floor. Rosé looks over at them and scowls, a highlighter in her hand. She makes an obscene gesture with it and then sets it down.

“Can you two be horndogs literally anywhere else,” she asks, exasperated, and they both fall into giggles.

“I’m sorry!” Denali squeals as Mik runs a hand down her side. “Your boyfriend just gave me carpet burn from his damn moustache.”

Mik looks up, somewhere between awestruck and dazed.

“Maybe it’s retaliation for you giving me rug burn,” Rosé quips with a wink before looking at their boyfriend, who’s doing a perfect meerkat expression. Before she can blink, he’s on his feet and running towards the bathroom, where they hear a sharp squeak of excitement.

She holds a hand out to Denali who pulls her out of her chair, and they let their interlocked fingers swing together as they wander over to follow him.

In the middle of the counter, next to three empty vials of testosterone, is Mik. His eyes wide and unblinking, fingers stretching the skin of his upper lip so he can pinpoint a single pale brown hair.

Denali places a featherlight kiss on his exposed shoulder and then reaches to touch it, pulling back in mock anguish.

“Ouch!” she shouts, and Rosé stifles a giggle at her antics, rubbing a hand on Mik’s back to try and gauge how he’s feeling. He sighs into the touch and his shoulders relax a bit.

“That’s one special little dude you’ve got there, bubs,” she tells him with a look of pride on her face. “I think it needs a name.”

Denali looks at her and shakes her head, but Mik is already nodding slowly. “Jeremy,” he says, voice full of conviction.

“We’re not naming his face pube,” Denali fights back, hoisting herself up onto the counter so she can look closer. She ruffles his hair with her fingers and he swats her away.

“Two against one, love,” Rosé points out. “Jeremy the destroyer.”

She leans up and kisses his top lip. “There is now a fourth in this relationship,” she announces smugly, raising an eyebrow at Denali, who holds her hands up. Mik looks between the two of them in amusement.

“I’m not going to kiss the face pube-”

“He has a name,” Rosé cuts her off with a grin.

“I’m not going to kiss Jeremy the destroyer,” Denali responds petulantly, throwing a slightly damp flannel at her from beside the sink.

“Do you not support your boyfriend?” Rosé catches it and tries to throw it back, but Mik grabs it out of the air, holding onto it so he doesn’t get one in the face.

“Rosie McCorkel, you little bitch.”

Mik watches them, dismayed, but incredibly entertained. “Fucking lesbians,” he mutters under his breath, still smiling.

*

Feel the fresh air

I can feel your eyes stare

And I’m not gonna lie

I get a little bit scared

And my heart is on wings

I’m living in dreams

And at the top of our lungs, we sing

*

Denali smiles at him as she slips out of the glass door, wincing a little as her bare feet touch the sun-bleached patio stones. He feels Rosé flick some water at him from her place in the pool, but he flips her off, beckoning to Denali, who does an awkward little hop-scotch across the hot yard until she can slide down next to him on the sun-lounger.

He places a gentle hand on her exposed hip, but she clicks her tongue at him. “Mikkk,” she whines, and he places a kiss on her temple before he slides off the sun lounger and moves down to sit on the edge of the pool.

It’s such a hot day that even the lukewarm water on his legs feels like an ice bath, and he desperately wants to take his baggy shirt off, but the idea of sitting outdoors in a sports bra makes him squirm a little. Rosé’s neighbours could see.

She seems to catch his discomfort and she swims up to him, placing one hand on each of his thighs to hold herself up in the water.

“You’re so short,” he teases gently, but she just hoists herself up, straining her neck to place a wet kiss on his chin. She snorts into it and falls backwards, flailing in the water so he gets covered in a fine spray.

“You need to calm down,” he tells her, hearing Denali chuckle in the background.

“Come and make me,” Rosé replies as she swims further away. She tries to shake her ass at him - skimpy pink bikini bottoms pulled high up onto her hips - but she falls forward, head going under the water again.

“Did she ever learn to swim?” Denali asks between loud slurps of ice-cold lemonade, the book she was reading in the shade long forgotten.

“I really couldn’t tell you.”

He turns back to the pool and sees Rosé sitting on one of the bottom steps, hair ties in hand as she tries to braid her thick, pink hair - her fingers fumbling in an attempt that can only be deemed pitiful. He sighs, moving to sit behind her so his swimming trunks are completely submerged. She leans back into him gratefully, and he takes the hair bobbles willingly, weaving her two french braids.

He’s about to move after he finishes when he hears wet footsteps.

“Don’t run, love!” calls Rosé, paddling next to Mik so she’s leaning on the edge of the pool. Denali just scoffs, skidding on the water until she can dive straight into the deep end of the pool. He winces as she does it, hand reaching out to grip Rosé’s, but they both know that her ice-skater balance will save her. She does a messy front stroke over to her partners, her costume glittering in all of its tacky-mermaid glory.

Denali slides between his legs and tips her head back for a kiss, pouting until he gives her a chaste kiss, and then indulging Rosé, who scrunches her nose at the momentary lack of affection.

Mik sighs, pulling Denali’s long hair out of the messy bun it’s in and separating it into two. “Thank you, Mik, we love you, Mik, you’re the best boyfriend ever, Mik,” he moans, letting his fingers slide through her hair like silk.

Rosé tries to hide her laughter in a cough.

It doesn’t work.

*

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

Everything is perfect

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

All our words were worth it

*

The euphoria he feels with a pride flag wrapped around his shoulders, billowing behind him like a cape, is unreal. He feels like he could fly if he wasn’t holding hands with Denali, who’s keeping him firmly grounded, and he’s making sure she doesn’t run off and get lost while Rosé has gone to find drinks.

Luckily, they see her before she sees them - Mik is a full head taller than Denali in his platform combat boots and can just about see over the crowd, so he spots the glitter down Rosé’s parting. She’s carrying three plastic cups with straws, and she’s trailed by a sapphic pride flag that’s looped through her belt loops, so it surrounds her denim cut-offs like a skirt.

They’d had a long conversation about the flag - she and Mik sat on the porch with coffee in hand. She’d bought it before they got together and she’s right when she says it looks pretty with her hair - the shades of pink all muddling together until she looks like a ball of cotton candy. He’d smiled and taken her hand in his, pressing an open-mouthed kiss to her hair that still smelled of sleep and Denali’s perfume.

“I know you think of me as a man,” he’d said, feeling her squeeze his hand in acknowledgement, “and I know you like women.”

“I just don’t want you to feel left out,” she’d said, poking her tongue into her coffee to check its temperature before taking a long sip. Denali padded out onto the porch, bare feet on the wooden slats. She was wrapped in a tartan blanket and she sat down next to Mik with a huff, laying her head on his shoulder and closing her eyes.

“I’ll survive not being the centre of your attention babe,” he’d joked. And that had been it.

It was the right thing to say because she looks radiant in the sun, and he takes the cold peach lemonade gratefully, handing off Nali-watch to Rosé as he adjusts his trans flag in a shop window.

He re-ties Denali’s bi flag while he’s at it, looping it through the straps of her dungarees so it won’t come loose in the crowd. She turns around and smiles gratefully, placing a soft hand on his barely-there stubble.

Rosé called them disgusting when she first saw them this morning, side by side in their matching crop tops and dungaree shorts. He’s got his own over a nude binder, and it’s the closest he’s ever felt to being shirtless, even with the way his chest is sweating in the summer heat. He knows Rosé’s rucksack has a spare top and bra for him - it’s a part of the reason why he loves her.

“All good?” Rosé asks, adjusting one of the pins in Denali’s flower crown (pink, blue and white) out of habit. She presses a quick kiss to the tip of Denali’s nose and then checks her braids in the shop window too.

“Am I still on Nali-watch?” Mik asks, half-joking and offering his arm for her to take, to which Denali laughs and waves her hand.

“I can get places myself, guys,” she giggles.

“You absolutely cannot,” Mik tells her, raking his hand through his sweaty curls.

“Not if we wanna get there on time,” chimes in Rosé, taking Denali’s hand and swinging it between them. “Now, come on!”

*

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

Dancing around like a clown at the circus

Da da da da da da

Da da da da da da

*

“We have a present for you,” Denali tells him, watching him comb hair gel through his curls in an attempt to tame them before he puts his graduation cap on. He smiles, watching her in the mirror as she curls the back of Rosé’s hair with deft fingers. Rosé flicks her eyes up from the eyeshadow palette she’s looking at, a small smirk playing on her lips, and she goes to say something, but then she stops herself.

“Well, now I’m excited,” he tells them, placing his tie loosely around his neck and leaning back against the countertop, watching them adoringly.

It’s moments like this that he just can’t believe his luck - how he’s got two beautiful women to call his own. Denali is a vision in lilac - a fitted bodice moving into a flared skirt that reminds him of the skating videos her mum showed him at Christmas. Her newly bleached hair is in a braid over her shoulder, and the loose baby hairs that just won’t submit to hair spray make him want to tuck them gently behind her ear.

Rosé resolutely told them she wanted them to die for her, and she’s really trying in a pink, bardot dress that shows too much cleavage to be appropriate for graduation. He supposes she wants to go out with a bang, and he’s not complaining, but he might need a moment before they leave just to collect himself.

“You look flustered,” smirks Rosé with one eyebrow quirked. It pulls him out of his throughs, and he flushes a darker shade of red at the comment.

“Stop teasing him,” Denali tells her, moving to put on some lip gloss before he can steal one last kiss. “I wanna get onto the surprise.”

“Impatient baby,” Mik jokes to get the heat off himself, and she bats a blush brush at him. He’s about to respond when Rosé places a hand on his cheek, guiding his body around so she can fasten his navy blue tie.

“Be good,” she tells him with a tap on the nose. “Now stay here for a second.”

He waits quietly in the bathroom while his girlfriends hurry off, coming back after a few minutes with an envelope and a tentative look on both of their faces. Denali hangs back, leaning against the doorframe with a crinkled nose while Rosé moves forward and holds out the envelope. She waves it at him and he takes it, feeling its weight in his hands. It’s light, but there’s something about it. He can’t figure out what it is.

He shoves a makeup brush under the seal and rips it across, drawing a snigger out of Denali, and Rosé rolls her eyes at them, holding out her hand for her makeup brush because she doesn’t trust him with it.

He holds it out of apprehension and he hears someone click their tongue at him with impatience.

Slowly, Mik pulls out a single sheet of paper and his breath hitches.

“No,” he exhales, feeling his tailbone hit the edge of the countertop in a way he knows will hurt later. He blinks a couple of times and the envelope falls out of his hands, grabbed by Denali who swoops in, placing a warm palm on his upper arm.

“Yes,” replies Rosé, a smile in her voice.

It’s a GoFundMe receipt printed on flimsy copy paper totalling just over $5000. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

“The whole year pitched in - the school really,” Denali murmurs, her hand on him a grounding presence that keeps him tethered to this reality.

“I don’t know what to say.” He’s being totally honest, voice shaking under the weight of his emotions. It’s everything he’s ever wanted and he’d resigned himself to another four or five years without that. “It’s freedom.”

“You deserve it, love,” Rosé tells him, her smile softer than he’s seen in a while - softer than she tends to go without Denali pouting at her.

Denali reaches up and swipes the pad of her thumb under his eye to catch the tears he didn’t know were falling before straightening his tie and placing a firm hand on his chest.

“Come on handsome,” she tells him, taking a deep breath. “Let’s go.”

*

Backyard boy, you make me nervous

[hetacon]

Prom Queen: Chapter 5

First || Previous || Next

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Word Count: 1,920

Pairings: Endgame Prinxiety, Platonic LAMP, more could be included at a later point

Warning: Swearing, mentions of p*rn, mentions of drugs and underage drug use, slight internal panic attack

______________________________

Summary: The popular kids were interesting for sure, they definitely weren’t exactly like Virgil had expected them to be but at the same time they kind of were.

(Make sure you read all the way to the end if you want to hear my thoughts on the chapter, and let me know if you want to be added to the taglist for this story, my art, or writing! I hope you guys enjoy!)

______________________________

Music blared through Virgil’s headphones as he and Roman sat with the popular kids again. Virgil wasn’t feeling up to talking much with them today so he had out his sketchbook, mindlessly making marks on the page. He was totally spacing out, too occupied by his latest worry of the week.

He very nearly jumped out of his skin as one of his earbuds was pulled out of his ear and he scrambled to pause the My Chemical Romance song that he’d been playing to drown out his thoughts the best he could, putting his phone face down in his lap. Virgil registered the person next to him laughing loudly at his jumpiness and he looked over to see Nick nearly doubling over from how hard he laughed.

‘It really wasn’t that funny, you scared me asshole,’ Virgil thought bitterly to himself before mentally shaking his head. ‘He didn’t do anything rude.. Well, that rude, calm down Virgil, you’re overreacting again. These are Roman’s friends, they’re starting to like you.’

“Sorry dude but that was the funniest shit I’ve ever seen, holy crap,” Nick chuckled, leaning back as he crossed his arms. He looked over to Virgil finally and nodded. “So what was up with that? You looked like you were about to shit yourself.”

Virgil’s brows furrowed. “Force of habit, I guess,” he muttered out.

“Oh yeah? What were you doing, watching porn or some shit?” A grimace came over Virgil’s face as Nick asked but he tried to not look too disgusted.

Quick, what was the appropriate answer? How did people usually talk about that type of stuff? Should he take it seriously? Consider it a joke? Punch him in the arm like the jocks he saw all the time in his physics class?

Luckily, Roman cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow. “Hey, that’s not cool, he’s clearly not comfortable, Nicholas,” he said, giving Nick a leveling look.

Nick put his hands up and shrugged. “Only joking dude, what he does with his time is his business. Wouldn’t blame him if it was though!” Another laugh rang out as one of the other guys sitting next to Nick punched him in the arm, much to Virgil’s satisfaction. At least someone punched him.

“Gross, shut the hell up!” the person who punched Nick told him with an obnoxiously grating laugh. “You’re sick, dude.”

Virgil tried to ignore the conversation but as he tried to put his earbud back in, he noticed Nick had it in his ear. He just couldn’t get away from them could he? He signed up for this admittedly though.

“Sorry, anyways, Virge, why’d you jump like that, for real?” Nick finally asked as he and the other guy stopped spitting insults at each other.

“I have strict parents, they don’t like anything remotely mature. They always call my stuff out if it has language in it so I just don’t let them see any music I listen to anymore,” Virgil found himself explaining, opening his phone to play a popular song that had been making the rounds around school rather than continuing through “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” like he desperately wanted to. Just one more thing Virgil had to be careful of. No more of his own music at school from now on, got it.

“Fuck, strict parents suck! Like, seriously, let me live my fucking life!” Nick scoffed out. “I just want to vape in fucking peace, they don’t need to get all pissy about it. It’s my fucking life right?”

Virgil looked up to Roman for a possible escape from the conversation, Roman knew he wasn’t a huge fan of people even talking about drugs, but Roman was staring down at his phone, texting someone. He looked upset anyways, Virgil probably shouldn’t make him feel worse.

“I mean, I don’t know, my parents aren’t the worst. I know they love me even if they aren’t good at showing it.”

“Nah, parents are assholes, adults are assholes really. They act like they can control you, it blows!” Nick complained.

Virgil only half-listened to the conversation, the other half of his attention going to trying to not have a panic attack. He took a look at the time and put away his sketchbook after making a mental note that he didn’t get very far into the sketch.

“Hey Virge, mind getting something with me real quick?” Roman asked and Virgil’s head snapped up as he nodded quickly.

The two started to walk off in the direction of their classes, Roman letting out a sigh when they were far enough.

“That wasn’t nice of him, sorry for not really... Doing much. I know you don’t like attention being drawn to you, I didn’t know if you wanted me to step in or not.”

“No, it’s fine! I’m just, you know, getting to know your friends I guess!” Virgil laughed out a little too brightly for his usual attitude. He’d been acting more like that around Roman though lately, Roman barely seemed to notice from what he saw.

“Are you sure..? I know you really don’t like those topics and he was practically steamrolling over any chance for you to stop him. I should’ve stepped in, I’m sorry,” Roman said with a hand rubbing his temple. Virgil watched him closely, noticing the way his shoulders locked up. He clearly looked beyond displeased.

“If it’s just for my comfort, I’m fine. I’d tell you if anything was happening, yeah? It’s what best friends do,” Virgil hummed out with a smile, bumping Roman’s shoulder with his own as they continued walking.

Roman glanced over wearily, a small smile on his face as the bell finally rung, signifying the start of class. “Yeah,” he merely replied, before the two parted ways.

The popular kids were interesting for sure, they definitely weren’t exactly like Virgil had expected them to be but at the same time they kind of were. The group was a bit fluid, some of the people that Virgil and Roman sat with tended to stay every day while others came and went. There wasn’t a super strict clique structure that was upheld but there didn’t seem to be a lot of the nerdier groups represented by the group, it mostly consisted of jocks, preps, and random drifters who tended to throw good parties. All of them had some sense of social standing in the school, many people knew them, and they were generally liked outside of the some of the people in the “lower” social statuses. Virgil definitely fit into at least one of these lower statuses but he seemed to be getting a pass due to being Roman’s friends. Luckily the theater kids were essentially accepted as popular kids even if some would be inclined to disagree.

Most of the conversations they got into wasn’t anything that interested Virgil, it mainly consisted of them complaining over homework and “strict” teachers (Seriously, why the hell would teachers actually let someone vape in the middle of class?) and their parents as well as a shit ton of gossip. There was literally so much gossip. So and so cheated on her boyfriend when he was cheating on her too, someone ended up getting in trouble for a tip-off about drugs in their backpack, these two kids got in a fight over some pointless drama and one ended up shoving off a teacher when they’d attempted to break off the fight. It was way more than Virgil thought was even going on at his school as he tended to stay away from pretty much everyone possible but regardless, it all was just as stupid as he expected. Virgil had no idea how they found any excitement out of talking about how people messed up or were fucked over by someone else. He wasn't sure what he was doing anymore but if nothing else, high school was supposed to be confusing right? That's what everyone always said, no one said anything different.

A sign of progress, if Virgil could even call it that was when one of them decided to sit next to him in his English class. The two of them would chat though Virgil barely managed to understand or be engaged in the conversation half of the time. Virgil definitely hated him when he asked Virgil to make up an excuse for him while he vaped in the bathroom and Virgil barely managed to sputter out that he told Virgil he felt a little nauseous but would be ok. It was insane to see the guy come back and roll with the excuse when the teacher asked if he needed to go to the nurse when he got back. Virgil felt his stomach curl when he shot him a wink with a click of his tongue.

"So hey, I was thinking you guys, we've all been pretty busy lately," Patton said as Logan was driving them out for lunch after school.

"Yeah? What's up Pat?" Roman asked, leaning against Virgil in the backseat. Virgil very slightly leaned in, finally relieved to have it just be the three of his closest friends surrounding him as Dodie played on the radio. This was nice, it seemed more simple like this, Virgil almost forgot all his worries as the conversation started up.

"I was thinking about us doing something over fall break and whatnot! Unless there are family plans and whatnot which is cool but I'm free and so is Logan so we wanted to see if you and Virgil would want to!" Patton grinned to Virgil.

"I dunno, it sounds good to me if you wanted to," Virgil told him, before looking over to Roman. "You in?"

Roman sighed and groaned loudly, running a hand over his face. "I so want to but it might be tricky scheduling, the theater teacher is being a bit of a bitch about rehearsing over break. I can't very well miss it and I don't want to promise I'll be there. But even if I can't find a way around it, you guys can absolutely do so and send me lots of pictures!" He gently nudged Virgil's shoulder and despite the heaviness Virgil felt in his gut, he nudged back, giving a sympathetic smile.

"Hey, it's cool. Pat and Logan and I will hang out, no problem. We'll make sure to make plans for the four of us sometime soon ok?" Virgil told him, the weight coming off of him slightly as Roman let out a relaxed laugh, hugging Virgil close. Virgil felt his face grow exceedingly hot but he tried to push down the feeling.

"Yeah, that sounds awesome, I love you guys so much!"

"Oh, are you guys going to need anyone to paint sets? You know I'm always down," Virgil offered, glad to hear the excitement in Roman's answer.

The conversation kept going, they meandered from that to a new show Roman and Patton had both started watching, Logan gave them some of the details of a new robot he was helping to code. Virgil even showed Roman some of his newly finished sketches in the leather bound book (which was now getting a fair amount of use) even if Roman had already seen them halfway done. It felt easy, it felt nice, and Virgil felt like he could breathe. And that scared him a little.

______________________________

It is absolutely so strange to write popular kids, I don’t think it’s going to be the easiest for me! Luckily the next chapter is going to be very popular kid free so I don’t have to worry about that! Honestly, their dialogue is the reason the chapters take so long! I don’t find things like gossip and whatnot interesting, it doesn’t make sense since I’m neurodivergent. I’m trying to not make it too stale, I really hope it’s not stale...

Interestingly enough, I’ve had people mess with me or my friends more than once in regards to stuff like hentai (considering I’m an anime fan) so I actually do have at least two experiences where stuff p*rn-related has been brought up as a way to make fun of the groups I was hanging with.

High school is wild and of the behavior I saw from people much further up on the social ladder than I ever was, they do some really weird stuff. I didn’t even see a whole lot, I just know I definitely didn’t like it.

Be prepared for some Patton and Logan time next chapter, I think Virgil deserves it after all of this!

[pookiepoodle]

Okay! Could I have oikawa and reader who are paired up for an assignment (in college) but they can't stand each other? It's a yearlong project and eventually they both realize they have a crush by the end of it but won't admit it lmao did I do alright 😅

The Project

Hello! So, I wrote this out as diary entries and I decided that it would be the “baby project”. Ya know, the cliche “enemies get paired up to take care of robot baby” though I honestly didn’t focus on that too much lol. I hope you enjoy! Please feel free to check out my masterlist and send in requests. Oh, I also don’t own any art!

January

Dear Diary,

I hate my life. I hate my professor but most of all, I hate Oikawa Tooru. I despise his stupid little face, his dumb hair and his obnoxious voice. But, worst of all, he is so full of himself. He has the biggest ego I have ever seen and he can never shut up. Why the hell did my professor decide to pair us together for this project? There’s no way we’re going to get an A, not with him as my partner. I should just toss this baby doll out the window. 

Dear Journal,

My life is ruined!!!! I am so annoyed with my stupid teacher, who clearly hates me because all the girls like me more than him. What a dick… anyway, he paired me up with Y/N. The most boring person I’ve ever met. She’s always studying, she never smiles and she’s always glaring at me like I’ve done something wrong, which I obviously haven’t. There’s no way I’m gonna pass this class now, because there’s not a bit of kindness in her. I should probably get that stupid baby robot thing from her.

February

Dear Diary,

Things have not improved. Most of my classmates are taking turns with the robot babies (which cry at night… rip my sleep) but Oikawa is so petty and refuses to take his turn! I’ve barely slept this week and I’m tempted to rip the batteries out of this thing, but if I do, I know I’ll fail the project. I’m just drained, I want a new partner, but the professor refused, selfish bastard.

Dear Journal,

I am so pissed with Y/N. She won’t trust me with the stupid robot during the day, so why should I have to deal with it at night? I know she’s pissed with me, from all the tired glares, but she needs to stop being such a bitch and just let me participate during the day. After all, it’s graded on participation too, I don’t want to fail. 

March

Dear Diary,

Oikawa is the worst. I accidentally dropped the baby and it began crying, with a little beeping noise going off. Aka, points off. I was so tired and he just started yelling at me in front of everyone, calling me a shitty partner and saying how I would never be trusted with a kid. I nearly cried and I ended up just running away. I’m literally trembling right now, god. I just want this to all end, I am so sick of him. 

Dear Journal,

Y/N is so frustrating! I told her to let me hold the kid since she was carrying tons of other stuff but she refused, saying she “didn’t need my help”. Two minutes later, she dropped the robot and we lost points. I just lost it. Like, does she want us to fail the project? Iwa-Chan yelled at me, saying I needed to apologise to her, but I don’t want to. It’s not my fault she’s so damn sensitive. But… I do feel a tiny bit bad for the trust comment. 

April

Dear Diary,

Things have been okay. Oikawa apologised for yelling at me, though given that his muscle-head friend was there, I’m guessing it wasn’t of his own accord. But, I accepted. I’ve been thinking about it and to be honest, fighting isn’t gonna work now. As much as I hate to admit it, even to a diary, I need to work with Oikawa if I want that A. So, I’m trying not to insult him (very difficult) and I’m letting him “help”, though I still doubt he’s capable of the job.

Dear Journal,

Iwa-Chan made me apologise, but I was super surprised when Y/N accepted it. I’d honestly expected to be kicked in the nuts, not gonna lie. She seems to have chilled out a bit though, so I guess it’s not as terrible as before. She also seems to be trusting me more too, so that makes me a bit smug. I’m obviously the superior parent after all. 

May

Dear Diary

May has not been too bad actually. Oikawa seems to be less of an asshole, I guess? I dunno, he just is sucking less… He’s actually not too bad with the robot either, I wonder if he has any younger siblings or something? I actually don’t know a lot about him.

Dear Journal

Turns out, Y/N isn’t as boring as I thought, like… what the heck! I came over to her dorm to grab the robot and I saw some posters on her wall of the bands I like, but I’ve not said anything yet. It’s weird but maybe Y/N isn’t as bad as I thought...

June

Dear Diary, 

Oikawa and I have stuff in common. I am shocked and still trying to process this. But, the dummy forgot to bring lunch and I gave him some milk bread I brought. Only because I didn’t want to hear him whine about how hungry he is, but it turns out to be his favorite food. He even mentioned a band I like and we talked about the new album for a few minutes before class started. It’s weird how he’s changed since January. But maybe… I’ve just gotten to know him better.

Dear Journal,

I was so hungry, I forgot my lunch and I was gonna go bother Iwa-Chan to share when Y/N gave me milk bread!!! I was so excited because duh, milk bread is amazing. I brought up the band we both like and we actually managed to have a civil conversation, which felt… pretty nice. She was so mean at the beginning of the year, but I think she’s actually kinda cool! Don’t tell her I said that. 

July

Dear Diary, 

Oikawa actually made me laugh today. Part of me is horrified and nauseous at the thought but another part of me is kinda… happy? It was the dumbest joke ever and I will not ruin your pages by retelling it, but I don’t think he’s going to let me live it down.

Dear Journal,

Guess what?! I made Y/N laugh! I will obviously tell you the amazing joke. 

Knock Knock

Who’s there?

Rough

Rough who?

Ruff Ruff Ruff it’s your dog!

She stared at me for a minute and I thought she was gonna punch me but then she just started laughing. It was actually really cute, like I never knew Y/N could have such a cute laugh! 

August

Dear Diary,

I got really sick, so sorry for the lack of entries this week. It was a really bad stomach virus and I honestly wanted to die. Oikawa actually helped me out though and took over the “parenting responsibilities”. He also brought me some soup which was amazing. Turns out he’s a good cook and it’s a dish called lentejas con chorizo. I’m gonna have to ask for the recipe. I don’t know if this sickness has infected my brain but I think Oikawa is a good friend? 

Dear Journal,

Y/N got really sick this week, so I took over with the robot baby. I was actually kinda worried about her, which was weird and Iwa-Chan said I should bring her something to eat. I made lentejas con chorizo, a spicy spanish soup with chorizo and lentils which she seemed to love! She looked super bad though, so I’m kinda glad she’s back to her normal self. It’s weird, but I kind consider her a friend, I guess.

September

Dear Diary,

I think I’m sick again. Whenever I’m with Oikawa, I feel super warm and light-headed, like I’ve got a fever or something. I checked my temperature though and it was normal so I’m kinda struggling to figure out just what the hell is wrong with me. My friends dared to suggest I have feelings for him, which is ridiculous because there is no way I have a crush on Oikawa Tooru.

Dear Journal,

Iwa-Chan is stupid. I was talking about Y/N today and how we hung out over the weekend to look after the robot baby. I happened to mention some stuff like I thought she looked nice and how she laughed at more of my jokes and then Iwa-Chan said “Dude, you sound like you’ve got a crush on her.” Which is ridiculous and I told him that! There is no way in hell that I have a crush on Y/N.

October

Dear Diary,

I have a crush on Oikawa Tooru. I can’t deny the terrible truth anymore, not when my heart flutters at his lame jokes and little stories. I am so screwed, because:

 1) I don’t want to like him!

 2) He is way too popular and probably doesn't like me back

But, I’m sure I’m just over-reacting, because it’s just a crush. Crushes come and go and soon, I’ll forget about it

Dear Journal,

I HAVE A CRUSH ON Y/N!!! I was just sitting in class and I couldn’t stop staring at her lips. Like, what the hell? Since when did they become so plump and kissable? I bet they taste like strawberries, oh god, and then she had the audacity to start nibbling her pen, like why?! Why would you torture me, Y/N-chan?! I freaked out and bailed on our lunch meeting but I can’t stop thinking about her.

November 

Dear Diary, 

The crush is gone. But it’s been replaced with love and I’m sorry for crying right now and messing up your pages, but I am sick with love for Tooru and I just want it to stop. It’s so messed up, how we started off hating each other and now, I feel like this. He doesn’t hate me anymore, but he doesn’t love me, I’m sure of it. He’s been avoiding me as much as possible and I just want to cry. I’m too tired to write anymore, I just want to sleep. 

Dear Journal,

I love her. I am in love with Y/N and I don’t even know what to do. I’ve never felt like this before, sure I’m a big flirt, but this is so different. I wanna hold her hand and kiss her and yes, fuck her, but more than that. I want her to be mine and all I can do is run away from her like a coward. I don’t know what the hell I’m gonna do now.

December

Dear Oikawa, 

I hate our professor so much, but for a different reason. Being told to give you my journal is literally my worst nightmare and I’m only doing this because I don’t want to fail. I’d rewrite everything but the professor stamped each page (thank god he doesn’t read this) so there’s no use ripping out stuff. Why did I not use a pencil?! 

Oikawa, at the beginning of the year, I hated you. You were the most annoying guy I’d ever met and I was so pissed at being partnered with you. But, as you’ve just read… things have changed.

I know that there is no way in heaven or hell you like me back, but I can’t exactly hide it from you, so just please still be my friend. I love you, but I’d rather be your friend than have you avoid me out of awkwardness. 

Dear Y/N,

I cannot believe the professor added this, I am so angry. Definitely gonna complain to HR or whatever shit we have here. I am super sorry for all the mean stuff I wrote, because I didn’t know you then. I hope you can see that I really like you a lot, Y/N. I think I’m in love with you and I know you probably are gonna reject me but I needed to “say” it. I’ve been such a loser, running away from you and my feelings (literally) so I need to man up as Iwa-Chan would say. I hope you don’t hate me and we can still be friends. But… if you somehow feel even a tiny bit of love for me, I love you too Y/N. 

[misercndvs]

   unless ur all about listening to my personal / real life problems ,  u can click here .  if not ,  have a great day .  ilu .

   so i’ve had ???  a shit show of a life the past few days .  for some context ,  i have very severe depression and i take medication for it ,  which my doctor says ,  i’ll basically be taking for the rest of my life .  whatever ,  life sucks then ya die .

   when i run out of this medication ,  i am fucked .  like .  in the ass ,  no lube ,  no foreplay ,  fucking raw .  i get nauseous ,  dizzy ,  dissociate every second ,  not really clinging to reality and of course ,  the depression hits harder then thomas the fucking train engine .  I’M AT WORK WHILE THIS IS HAPPENING .  

   i’m working front desk at my local optometry office ,  my fellow optician being busy as hell ,  and i try to help step in and ease off some of her work load when i can .  but i’m feeling like i’m in the way as she snaps at me ,  basically saying i don’t know what i’m doing / talking about .  granted ,  i’m the newest employee but we’re all working on an even newer system .  i’m fairly savvy with computers ,  i’m sure i could figure it out .  she basically makes me feel like an idiot in front of my other coworkers and customers when i offer to help and it .  makes me feel really bad .  and i’m not mad at her at all ,  because she was the only optician and we were super busy and she never took a lunch that day ,  i can understand .

   but it hurts .  and everything is spiraling .  and soon enough i’m crying in the bathroom trying to calm myself down because i’m completely overwhelmed by everything .  i think about walking out .  i think about finding the nearest sharp object and having at it .  but by whatever force of energy i suck it up and make it home .  at this point i’m withdrawing bad ,  so bad that even now i still can feel the after effects of withdrawing .  it was so bad i had to call off thursday .  anyone who knows me personally ,  knows i don’t call off work for shit .  i had to .

   i have my medication now after pleading with my doctor and pharmacy ,  but now i’m afraid to go back to work because i’ll be seen differently .  i kept up the mask really well .  no one even suspected i was depressed .  now its out and i feel ashamed .

   i don’t even know why i’m throwing this out there ,  i guess i needed a place to vent .  if you’re still reading ,  thanks .  i hope you find money on the ground .

[mentalhorticulture]

How It Began - Now

Well, I figure if I’m going to keep recording my experiences on here, I should probably establish my Origin Story of my bullshit experience with this illness.

After moving back to my hometown to help take care of my mother in September of 2017, I started working a new job and moving into my new place. One morning I woke up and was extremely dizzy. I felt like I was wasted or had a horrible hangover. I shrugged it off for a bit, thinking that maybe it was the stress from all of the commotion, but as I was starting to get settled into my new job while managing the dizziness, I would have episodic periods of feeling extremely lightheaded, nauseous, and like I could not think or stand or see straight. During my first week, I left in the middle of the day and called my mother to come pick me up, since I did not trust myself driving. We called the doctor and I saw a PA in the office who told me I either have Lyme or a viral ear infection. They did a full blood work-up, including 6 tests for Lyme, and nothing came back positive. He told me it was probably a viral ear infection, and that it would just go away on its own. I struggled for almost a month before it fizzled out and I shrugged it off, thinking it must have been an ear infection.

Then around Valentine’s Day, I had to make a long drive to pick up my partner who was attending school at the time, and go visit where we used to live to see friends and go to a concert. The morning I had to leave, I woke up, and the dizziness was back. I was so mad, but I had to keep going. I worked all day, left work, drove all night to pick up my partner and go to the concert. I was weak and dizzy, but eager to see my loved ones. I had a beer at the concert, but could not stay out dancing or drinking like I usually would have done if I were feeling better. The next morning I woke up and the vertigo/dizziness was all consuming. I was so nauseous, and could not lift my head up. I fell multiple times as I was trying to get dressed or go to the bathroom. I eventually ended up in what I can only describe as a “gravity vortex” where I cannot do anything except lie flat on the ground and feel like I am getting sucked into the floor. I can’t move my head, arms, legs, and I can barely speak. After a while we decided that I should not drive back, and my partner had to cancel class the next day to drive me home.

Every day, the dizziness, light&sound sensitivity, confusion, fatigue, floaters, disorientation, EXHAUSTION, etc. etc. etc. continued until I decided to call my doc again. I was getting lost on my way to work. I was mixing up words. I was passing out on the floor whenever I exerted any amount of extra energy. I was fucked up. I saw the same PA as before, and he told me I must have been taking too many supplements (I told him I wasn’t taking any), and that all my blood work was clear, so it must be something in my environment that I am ingesting. He rolled his eyes and said, “If you really want to, you can go see an ENT, but I would just keep a journal of what you’ve been doing/ingesting.” The next day I called back and got a referral to an ENT. 

My ENT was great! Super informative and wonderful. Gave me a bunch of options of what it could be and was my first beacon of hope. Maybe it was just a bunch of lose crystals in my inner ear! Maybe all I would need is an MRI to confirm that and some physical therapy and I’m golden! Maybe it’s a vestibular tumor, but who knows! Alright, let’s get this MRI done, STAT then!

Well, my inner ear was crystal clear, but the nurse called me back and said,

“You don’t have anything in your inner ear, but you do have 6 non-distinct white matter lesions. With someone of your age, this is usually indicative of Multiple Sclerosis. We are referring you to a neurologist, STAT.”

I have family members with MS. They are both quadriplegics, one was bedridden, and the other operates her motor chair with her mouth. I knew what MS looked like. I was on lunch at work, went into the next room, closed the door, and asked the nurse to repeat everything back to me on the report again. I hung up the phone, went outside, drove to Hannaford for some reason, and had a massive breakdown in the parking lot.

Fast forward, the neurologist dicks me around and decides my MRI is not urgent enough to be seen right away, because my lesions are benign. I see my neurologist two months later, and he says the same thing to me he had his nurse tell me over the phone. “Could be migraines. Could be MS. Does it look like MS? Not necessarily. Could it be? Yes.” And proceeded to order another MRI of my brain and cervical spine WITH contrast this time to see if there is any new inflammation. However, their office is so backed up, that I can’t get an MRI for another month. So, I just got my second MRI (first with contrast) this past Monday, June 18th... after experiencing a relapse of all of this bullshit since February. It has been nothing short of maddening.

IF this MRI shows any changes from the last one, it is possible that I can be diagnosed with MS without a spinal tap, which would simultaneously be horrible and a relief.

I fucking hate being in this state of limbo.

I fucking hate not knowing if it’s migraines, Lyme, some fucked up autoimmune, etc. etc. or Multiple Sclerosis.

For now, they’re just throwing meds at me and seeing which ones work. I’m on Meclizine and Diazepam for the dizziness, and they started me on Topamax (some sort of GABA inhibitor/anticonvulsant, I believe), but had to immediately take me off of it since it was quite literally making me lose my mind. Now I’m on Nortriptyline as a maintenance med (an SSRI), which has been giving me some relief. I have also started reading The Wahls Protocol, and have been adhering to a nutrient-dense paleo&keto diet, which has also been pretty helpful. Moreso than the meds at this point, actually.

Right now, my dizziness level has subsided to about a 2 or 3 daily, my confusion/focus issues are waining, my fatigue is improving, but NOW my muscles are fucking with me. It’s hard to carry my laptop bag from the car to my office - my shoulder starts to give out. My back is in a constant muscle spasm. My arms and legs get extremely tired and crampy by the end of the day. And, at times, my feet and fingers go numb or burn, like I have just touched a hot stove.

My neuro never made a follow up appointment, but I see my primary on Monday. Perhaps I will have more direction then. Maybe my MRIs will have answers for me. Just maybe.

[korra-the-red-lion]

Unnatural Affairs. Chapter 11: So Not The Drama.

(Ally)

Sitting in Drama class was not the way I ideally wanted to start my Monday with, but here I was.

My Anthropology class was cancelled after my professor literally just didn’t show up. We waited for about 10 minutes out of our 50-minute class before we all just left. She never gave us an explanation, and I wasn’t going to complain.

I sat next to Michael and Mags as we sat in the auditorium. Our prof, Kinkly, booked it for the class just so we could present our drama re-enactments. Michael told me before Mags got here that he was feeling a little better. He certainly looked a little better. He was just confused as to why the crystals didn’t work in protecting us. I brushed it off as it being stronger than expected, not having the heart to say it was probably all bogus.

Mags clutched their stomach and whispered, “I’m feeling so nervous all of a sudden.”

“I’ve been nervous this whole time,” muttered Michael. I nodded in agreement. The three of us watched as a few of the other students awkwardly stumbled through their own lines, which was a very relatable mood right now. I should have just written the damned paper. Argh, curse friendship and the stupid decisions it brought along.

Unfortunately, it was our turn next. We timidly clomped down to the main stage and got to work. We decided to have Mags play Julie, to change the dynamic slightly. In the original play, Julie is told by her mother to behave like a man, causing her a bunch of confusion. I was playing Jean, who is kind of using Julie to climb the social ladder, who was originally a man. Michael was the one who was reading the scene, and he also played the servant. Anyway, the whole thing just felt super awkward, and we just wanted to get it over with.

Time felt like it dragged on forever as we worked through our lines in the clumsy way students who never have done this before do. Finally, it was over, and we retreated back to the safety of our seats.

Mags ran a hand through their hair, messing up the stylized look they had going on. “Okay, I’m pretty sure that was awful.”

“Worse than awful,” I whined.

“Totally,” affirmed Michael.

“At least it’s over now,” I pointed out. “We never have to embarrass ourselves in front of the public like that ever again.”

They both nodded in agreement, and we just suffered through the rest of the class. Finally, it was over (THANK GOD), and I packed my things quickly. We said goodbye to Professor Kinkly, who was in the middle of speaking to Rachel McDurmant about something. My ribs were starting to ache as my morning painkillers wore off, and I was craving some lunch.

We all walked together towards the lunchroom, joking about the horrible play and how Thanksgiving weekend was coming up. Mags told us that they were leaving early for the long weekend because their partner was visiting from out of province, so they wanted an extra couple of days with him. Michael was staying because his family lived out in BC, and it was too expensive for him to fly out only for a couple of days. I was going home, but I wasn’t leaving until all my classes were done on Friday.

I felt a little guilty about leaving when we were in the middle of investigating whatever the hell was going on here, but I wasn’t about to sacrifice my holiday break for this. Besides, most students were going home anyway, so maybe it would be safer anyway. Well, that was the lie I told myself anyway, to make me feel a little better about going. I even offered Michael to come for supper, and he said he would think about it. His headaches were still pretty bad, and he thought it might help to just take a very relaxing weekend off in the darkness of his dorm room.

Mags spotted a spot that was free and made a beeline for it, with me and Michael following slowly behind. I gingerly sat down, hissing under my breath. Mags was just about to dig in when they stopped to look at me in concern.

“Is everything okay, Ally?”

I smiled with a nod. “Yup, just a little sore.”

“How come?”

That was a great question. I glanced over at Michael, who was poking at his food tenderly. He must have been feeling nauseous again. “Um…we went camping this weekend with a friend of ours,” I lied, turning my attention back to Mags’ watchful stare. “We got attacked by a bear, and I bruised my ribs trying to get away.” Michael nodded in confirmation as I explained the false story.

“Whoa, what the hell? Why didn’t you tell me before?” they asked indignantly.

“I didn’t want to worry you.”

“Well, now I’m worried, so mission failed!”

I frowned, my cheeks heating up with shame. “I’m sorry, Mags. I wasn’t keeping it a secret on purpose or anything. I just haven’t really told anyone about it.”

Mags crossed their arms, a look of momentary hurt on their face. “I get it…just let me know next time, okay? What if something more serious happened?”

“I promise,” I said with my hand held high. “Scout’s honour and all that jazz.” Mags looked satisfied enough and began to eat as they talked about our English class. It felt a little dirty to be lying to my friend, but I just really didn’t want to explain the whole ‘I’m a freak of a nature who talks to ghosts’ right now.

After a mostly satisfying lunch (I was starting to get tired of the food here), I headed over to library on my break as Mags headed to their next class and Michael went back to his dorm to lie down for a little while. I took a picture of Harper, which was right next to the library, before heading in. I was trying to decide if I wanted to talk to Amelia before or after break, plus I wanted to compare the building as it was now to what it was before. I was feeling like talking to her sooner would be better, but I was still tired and jittery from the Athletic Centre incident, so I wasn’t sure how ready I was to talk to an unknown ghost again.

The warmth of the library was welcomed as it hit my face and hands. I haven’t been able to stay warm since that night, and it wasn’t even that cold out today. I wanted to find a table, but I decided to grab a warm drink before I did. I was about to grab myself a tea when I had a tingling feeling in my gut. Confused, I looked over my shoulder to see someone approaching me.

It was Lyn’s friend from move in day. Shoot, what was her name again? I knew it started with an L…Lorie? No, that wasn’t right. Hmm, oh, it was Loryn! She stopped well enough away that I wasn’t uncomfortable with the distance. She was the one who noticed the first time how nervous I was on day one.

“Hey…” she frowned. “Crap, I’m sorry. I legit can’t remember your name.”

“Ally,” I reached out my hand. She gave me a firm shake.

“Loryn. Can we have a quick chat?”

I blinked in confusion, a squirming feeling working its way into my belly. “Umm…about what, exactly? We don’t really know each other.”

She sighed in exasperation. “I know, sorry. I…fuck, I probably shouldn’t be doing this because she’s gonna be so pissed at me. I just wanted to talk about Lyn for a minute.”

Oh. I had to admit, I was a little curious about that. I could see on her face that she looked a little worried, and judging by how tense her body language was, this wasn’t a recent development. Finally, I nodded and followed her to the corner of the café.

Once we sat down, I really took her in. She had a narrow face with long brown hair (did all the girls on the swim team have long hair?) that was currently held back in a braid and muddy brown eyes hidden behind long lashes. Her nose was slightly off center, so it must have been broken once before. She was working her jaw as she worked up the courage to talk about what she planned to. I waited patiently as she did, since there was no point in rushing someone to speak. If you did try to rush them, it only made them less likely to open up.

“So,” she started slowly, “Ally. Lyn and you met up the other night, right?” She waited for my confirmation before continuing. “I know you haven’t known each other long, but it seems like you connected really fast, which is super duper awesome. I’m really happy that she found someone who she trusted,” she stopped again, gathering her thoughts.

Loryn looked at me, her face serious. “I saw her arm this morning. I asked her what the hell happened, and she told me she went camping with you and some dude named Michael and got attacked by a bear. I’ve only known Lyn for just over a year at this point, but I know when she’s lying to me. She’s terrible at it. I wanna know what happened.”

I shifted in my seat uncomfortably. “That’s what happened. She pushed me out of the way, so I didn’t get hurt.”

Loryn sucked on her teeth as she shook her head. “Fine, whatever then. Did she tell you she was going home this weekend?”

It felt a little strange that she dropped it so quickly, but I had a feeling Loryn wasn’t done with the subject quite yet. The look in her eye was very overprotective. I didn’t want to antagonize her further, so I answered her other question with an affirmative.

“Oh, for the love of fucking God…” she muttered darkly to herself. She picked at her nail as she glanced at me. “How much do you know?”

“Enough,” I said cautiously. “I briefly met Olivia when she drove us to the hospital.”

Loryn rolled her eye as she sighed. “Perfect. Okay, well, I know you care about Lyn. Just…if you’re hanging around her, just to make sure she doesn’t retreat into herself too much, okay? She hasn’t been sleeping well since Jackie got hurt and I’m worried this is just going to make it all so much worse. Lyn would take on the whole world if she could but won’t share how much it weighs. Like seriously, she doesn’t ask for help and doesn’t like talking about her issues with other people. I practically have to pry it out of her when something is bothering her.”

I nodded slowly as I unlaced my fingers. “Why are you telling me all this?”

“Because Lyn likes you,” Loryn said with a shrug, “like a lot. I don’t want to see either of you get hurt because she decides to act like a stupid ass. If she does end up going home, which I strongly suggest we work together to convince her to not do that, she might be different when she gets back. Her mom especially brings out the worst in her.”

“She mentioned something like that,” I mused. I forced that giddy feeling I got from hearing Loryn say that Lyn liked me a lot down, paying attention to the topic on hand.

Loryn got up, stretched and tossed her braid behind her shoulder. “Okay, well…I guess that was it. Sorry if I seemed pushy or whatever. I just worry about that big dummy.”

“It’s fine,” I said firmly, and I meant it.

Loryn thanked me and left me alone to dwell on the conversation. It was very strange. Was she really that worried about Lyn that she was talking to anyone close to her? I chewed on my bottom lip, thinking. There was probably more to the story than I know. I didn’t know Lyn in first year, Loryn did. Something must have happened last year that was causing a level of concern in Loryn about her going home. I guess I could try to talk her out of it, but I doubt it would make any difference. Lyn seemed liked the kind of person who once her mind was made up, there was no changing it. It wouldn’t hurt to try though, right?

XXX

The rest of the week was going by slowly.

I didn’t really see Lyn much this week. She was busy with her classes and assignments, plus she was practicing still, even though she wasn’t supposed to be. She did call me every night before she went to bed, however.

It started on Saturday, when she said she would call me later that day. She held on to that promise, checking in to see how I was doing. We spoke for a little before she hung up so she could sleep. But then she called me again Sunday night. We didn’t really talk about much of anything, just random things like music, TV, classes or whatever. Sometimes I could hear her typing or writing in her notebook, suggesting that she was at the library. Other times I could hear the shuffling of clothes or maybe blankets, which I thought meant she was in her room. It always happened around 8:30, and never went past 9:30. It was nice and relaxing. I wasn’t sure why she started doing it, but I didn’t mind it at all. If anything, I started to look forward to it. Just listening to her talk relaxed me, and I found myself sleeping better.

Michael started feeling a little better by Wednesday. According to him, the doctor said he would be fully recovered between a week or two. He was reporting less pounding headaches and lights were bothering him less. I told him about Amelia and how she wasn’t the ghost in the Athletic Centre, but in fact the ghost who bothered him in his dream.

We were sitting outside, sitting on one of the benches as we stared at Harper. Michael scratched at his chin thoughtfully. “Okay, so we were wrong. Should we talk to her?”

I frowned, giving a noncommittal shrug. “I mean, yes? I just don’t know if I’m ready to do that just yet.”

“You know what? That’s totally valid,” said Michael. “My head is killing me from the last ghostly conversation we had. Oh!” A dawning look of sudden remembrance lit up Michael’s face. “I just remembered something! You know how you were talking to the ghost in the mirror?”

“I’m not likely to forget anytime soon,” I shuddered.

“Me either. Anyway, something I didn’t think about at the time, but it just occurred to me now; I could see her.”

The weight of those words came on slowly as I digested what he said. I looked over at him, his eyes showing some concern and curiosity. I tapped my finger against my knee, resisting the urge to chew on my lip.

“You…could see her?” I swallowed thickly. “But you never could do that before.”

“I know, but I think the crystals had something to do with it,” he explained. “The ones I gave to you were supposed to increase your spiritual awareness or whatever. So maybe what it did was do just that, but instead of affecting you, since your awareness is pretty much at its peak, it affected those around you. Like me. Oh, and Lyn too.”

I blinked a few times before whistling quietly. “That’s probably something I should look into a bit more.”

Michael nodded. “I think so too. Also, I sent in the sample today. Hopefully we’ll get the results sometime after Thanksgiving.”

“Oh, that’s good to know. I wonder what those results are going to reveal.”

“Hopefully it was human DNA.”

“Hopefully.”

We both sat silently for a couple of minutes, still staring at the haunted school building. Michael chewed on his nail absentmindedly, clearly lost in thought. I played with a button on my shirt, wondering if I should just suck it up and talk to Amelia. I needed to stop letting my more careful emotions control me. Shaking my head, I opened my purse and pulled out nail polish. I tapped Michael on the shoulder, who looked over when I did. I lift the bottle to line up with his eyesight.

“You should use this to help with that,” I said, indicating his bitten hands.

Michael took it from me with curiosity. “Nail polish?”

“It will make your nails taste disgusting, so you’ll stop chewing them,” I explained.

“Interesting.” Michael held it up, examining it. “Women sure do have a lot of sneaky tricks that men should take up more often. Otousan chews his nails too, I get it from him.”

I smiled playfully. “The world would be a much better place if men listened to women more often.”

He smirked back at me. “And if we listened to less white people.”

“Touché.”

After that, it was time for class. I really didn’t feel like feel like going to my class, but I forced myself to go anyway. I was paying to go here, so I should make the most of it, I suppose. I shot one last guilty look at Harper as I walked away. Maybe I should try to talk to her before Thanksgiving.

Gosh, I needed to stop getting to invested in all of this.

XXX

It was Thursday evening when I finally got the chance to talk to Lyn in person.

It was purely accidental. I was just about to leave the library when I decided to check to see if she was here tonight. I went downstairs and she was sitting at the table that I found her at the last time. She had her headphones on, tunelessly humming along to whatever she was listening to. I stopped just before, sending a text for her to see first. I spooked her last time, and I didn’t want to do that again.

The screen was lighting up her face as she typed something quickly into her open Word doc. She must have felt her phone vibrate, because she reached for it without taking her eyes off the screen as she switched to a different tab with her other hand. She glanced at her phone before she turned around in her chair, smiling when she saw me. Lyn waved me over, pulling out the free chair.

“Hey,” she greeted when I sat.

“Hey to you too,” I said back. “What are you up to?”

“Writing a paper,” she yawned. “I wanted to get it most of done before the holiday break, you know?”

I stifled a giggle. “Actually, I don’t. I’m pretty bad at keeping on top of things at times.”

“Wish I had the nerve to do that,” said Lyn. “I don’t think I’ve ever missed a due date, if I actually think about it.” She paused, making an uncomfortable face before switching topics. “Are you going home for the break? I haven’t asked yet.”

“I am, tomorrow after class,” I said happily. “Are you?”

“I told Olivia I was,” she grumbled.

I remembered my conversation with Loryn. I nodded slowly, leaning on the table. “Are…are you actually planning on going, though? You don’t seem too happy about it.”

Lyn frowned, before she shrugged her shoulders. “I promised Olivia.”

“But you don’t have to, right?”

She looked away, tapping her finger against the table. Her brows were drawn together as she thought about her answer. “I just…after last week, and this,” she gestured to her left arm, “I just felt like maybe I should make an effort to get along with Liv again. I don’t really want to go all that much. Last year when I did, shit hit the fan for me. But, I dunno, learning about all these poor people that are stuck here because they can’t move on, it got me thinking. Even if it’s only one person I can try to fix my relationship with, I think it’s worth it. Olivia might piss me off, but she’s still my sister. She fucking came and got us in the middle of the night, so I know she still cares about me enough to do that.”

That was actually not a terrible reason, but I was still wary of it. I tapped my foot against hers, causing her look over at me. I give her a supportive smile. “Lyn, I’m not going to tell you what the right decision is. Just make sure that you’re making this choice because you want to, not because you think it’s the right thing to do. I’m terrible for doing things just because I feel like it’s the right thing to do, as exhibited by me trying to figure out this whole ghost thing.”

Her eyes searched my face before she chuckled under breath softly. I was confused, that wasn’t the reaction I was expecting. She leaned back in the chair, pulling her leg up and lacing her fingers around her knee.

“Ally, I seriously don’t know what to think about you. You’re like a super PI therapist lady,” she laughed again.

My face flushed with embarrassment. “I-I wasn’t trying to-”

“It’s good,” she cut me off. “It’s cute. You’re cute, for caring. I promise that I’m doing this of my own free will.”

“A-as long as you’re sure,” I mumbled. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.” My face was still red from her laughing at me, plus her freaking comment too! I really wanted to be like please go out with me! I think you’re so nice and attractive and funny and the list goes on for while. But I was nervous. I dated a couple of girls in high school, but they all ended rather quickly. I didn’t want to ruin what I had with Lyn, but the messages I was getting told me it was okay. Yes, she was flirty and affectionate, but this was different, I just knew it.

I looked at her over top of my frames. She was still smiling at me with her ridiculously infectious grin, her eyes looking like they were shining brightly. Was it okay? Was it okay to fall for someone so quickly? Without thinking, my hand reached over and touched the back of hers. My heart felt like it was in my throat, and it was pounding so loud.

The energy in here could only be described as nervous. I pushed my chair over just a little bit closer with my feet, my fingers tracing her knuckles softly. Lyn watched as I did, almost as if she were entranced by the motions. I parted my lips, fully prepared to ask but no words came out.

“Ally,” Lyn said softly as she removed one of her hands to cover mine, “I have something I wanted to ask you.”

I nodded nervously as our eyes connect, the look in hers serious yet kind.

She took a deep breath in, only to be interrupted by her phone ringing. It startled us both so badly that I jumped back, and Lyn knocked her chair backwards, falling to the ground. Groaning, she pushed herself up and grabbed her phone off the table. “I don’t know this fucking number,” she growled as she hung up.

“A-a-are you okay?” I stammered, reaching down to help her to her feet. All the tension from earlier was starting to subside.

“Yeah, I’m fine, mostly just annoyed,” she said irritably.

The phone rang again with the same number. Lyn glared at the screen before ending the call again. When it rang the third time, she was pretty annoyed. She finally hit the green answer button and snapped, “Hello?”

I picked up the chair as she stoically listened to the person on the phone. All of sudden Lyn got very quiet as she stood there on the phone, her face slowly going from annoyed to concerned. She glanced over at me and silently handed me the phone. I took it from her confused and put it to my ear.

“Hello?”

There was a staticky silence on the other end. I looked over at Lyn, wondering if it was a prank call when someone whispered, “It’s coming.”

My heart felt like it dropped into my stomach. The voice had the tinniness of a ghost. But, how? “Who are you?” I asked tensely, my free hand clenching my shirt.

“It’s coming. It’s coming for-” there was a bloodcurdling screech all of sudden that caused me to drop the phone in surprise and a little bit of fear. I quickly picked it up again, but the call was done.

I stared at the blank screen for several taunt minutes, trying to figure out what that was. I looked over at Lyn, who was watching me with concern.

“Did they tell you to give me the phone?”

She nodded tentatively. “All I heard was your name over and over again. Should I…not have done that?”

“It’s fine,” I assured her. I looked back down at the phone. “It was a ghost. I think it was trying to warn me about something.”

“How very modern of it,” Lyn remarked dryly as she took her phone back.

“It was very strange,” I said quietly. Lyn went to the table to close her laptop as I continued, “I’ve never heard of them doing that before. Also, it means that they’re aware I’m looking into the case. That’s really disturbing to me.”

Lyn, who was in the middle of putting both of our things away, grimaced at me. “No offence, Al, but that’s extremely creepy. If they can call you from the afterlife or whatever, how are you safe anywhere?”

I didn’t really have an answer for that. I looked down at my shoes, my mind racing with various scenarios of being accosted wherever I went now. It was extremely creepy, as Lyn so bluntly put it. I scrunched more of my shirt in my hands, trying very hard to not get overwhelmed with this development. Suddenly, Lyn reached over and grabbed one of my hands, gently removing the glob of cloth beneath my grasp.

“We’ll figure something out,” she said confidently. “Let’s not worry about that tonight, okay? You got home to look forward to, yeah? Turkey dinner, awkward family get togethers where your uncle does some stupid shit, regular scheduled TV programs because we’re not obsessed with the holiday like Americans are.” She smiled at me, but I could see the tension in her eyes. Numbly, I nodded.

We left the library after that, with Lyn stating that we were no longer allowed to meet on the lower floors of the library at night, because that was the second time something creepy happened. I had a sneaking suspicion that since Amelia’s ghost was so close to the area that she or something similar to her had something to do with it. Still, I didn’t disagree with the thought.

As usual, Lyn walked me back all the way to my residence. I walked up the steps and reached for the door, then a thought occurred to me. Before I went inside, I turned to look at Lyn who was waiting until I was safely in. She tilted her head in minor curiosity at my hesitancy.

“What was it you were going to ask me?” I asked quietly, my hand trembling by my side in anxious anticipation.

Lyn stiffened. She laughed nervously, tugging on her ear lobe. “Um, yeah. I was about to ask something, wasn’t I?” She laughed again. Under the softly lit outside lamps, it was hard to make out her full expression, but I could see by her body language she was struggling to come up with the words. Instead, she took a couple of steps to close the distance. I gasped as she reached out to cusp my face in her hands, her ears and face just as red as I bet mine was.

She kissed my forehead, before slipping something on my head. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest as she slipped her hands off, instead clasping them with mine. “I’ll tell you after break, okay?” Lyn whispered softly. “I don’t think now is the time after what just happened. Stay safe, stay warm, eh? I-I’ll see you in a few days.”

I nodded dumbly, not trusting my voice right now. I was certain it would come out in a squeak. Lyn gave me a nervous smile before kissing the back of my hand in goodbye. I felt like I was floating as I went inside, drifting absently to my room. I struggled with the lock on our door before I finally managed to get my key in after the 5th try.

Sarah looked up from her phone as I walked in, her face going from confused to elated in a manner of seconds. “Oh my God, Ally! Your face! It’s like, so red! What happened?” she asked with a squeal as she led me to sit on her bed.

Finally, my brain caught up to the rest of my body, and I ended up bursting out into a mix of excited laughter and screeching. I explained everything to Sarah giddily (without the spooky ghost stuff of course), who responded with equal excitement. I reached up and pulled what turned out to be a different hat then last time off my head, my grin getting even bigger.

I fell back on her bed with an oomph, smiling up at the ceiling. “Sarah, I’m seriously so happy right now. I can’t even picture it, but I can at the same time! Lyn is so amazing and at first I thought I was reading the signals wrong, but this has to be legit!” I squeezed the hat between my hands and sighed happily. “Why else wouldn’t she tell me right away? She’s waiting until the moment’s right!”

Sarah laid beside me, a mischievous grin on her face. “Ally-gator, remember what you told me?”

I stared at her with interest. “I’ve told you a lot of things.”

“Yeah, I know, but this is like, a big thing,” she giggled. “You guys had breakfast, like, the second day or whatever, right? She told you could like, ask her one thing, anything. I think you should totally like, ask her first!”

My jaw fell open in surprise. I can’t believe Sarah remembered that. I pushed myself up on my elbow to get a better look at her. “I mean, that sounds fantastic in theory, but I don’t know if I can pull it off…” I ran my hand along the top of her covers.

“You totally can!” Sarah poked me in the forehead. “It doesn’t need to be this like, super huge thing. Just be like, ‘oh hey, remember when you said I could ask you one thing? Will you go out with me?’” she batted her eyelashes with her hands clasped together. “Just like that!”

I laughed, smacking her with one of her own pillows. “I don’t sound like that! Also, I could never be so straightforward, that’s so nerve wracking!”

“Okay, okay!” She held up her arms to protect herself from my pillow onslaught. “I still think you should, like, make the first move though! It’d be iconic!”

“Maybe,” I mused. “I’ll think about it.”

“You better!”

We both ended up being way too hyped to go to sleep after that, so we put on a movie to relax too. I held on to that hat for the rest of the night, all thoughts of ghosts and creepy phone calls just melting away as I lost myself in the bliss of having my super intense crush reciprocated. I’ve been a little distracted by the case recently, so it sorta took a back burner for awhile. But it was in the hospital, with the sunlight shining and the peaceful look on her freckled face that it came back full force.

I let myself drift off, my chest full of warmth and happy feelings.

[dailydoseofzhi]

Daily Entry #32 (27/03/2021)

I pulled an all-nighter last night calling my friends. By the time Daddy texted me around 4:30am, I was still on a call with them. I saw an incoming call from him & picked up (after muting my friends & turning off my camera) as I love talking to Daddy. We ended up calling for about an hour as he drove to the farm - I stayed on the call with my friends the entire time, just muted & all. When Daddy called me, he noticed that I wasn’t wearing my choker and asked me about it. I admitted that I’d worn it up till the moment I started calling my friends, and that I’d taken it off because I didn’t want them to ask me why I was wearing a choker to sleep. However, Daddy reminded me that the choker makes me feel good & that I shouldn’t care about the questions; he also basically said that I’d wear it if he was truly important to me. The moment he said that, I went to get it & put it on as Daddy genuinely means the world to me. He is my world. So I don’t want him to think otherwise by not wearing the choker. 

Once our call ended, I spoke to my friends (while wearing the choker) for another 2 hours before I fell asleep. They asked me why I’d suddenly come back wearing a choker, to which I just said that I felt like it. They kinda gave me an odd look but I think they’re used to my shenanigans, therefore did not question me much further. I fell asleep on the call (around 7am) and woke up at 9am. Though I’d only gotten 2 hours of sleep, I still felt pretty good; I guess calling Daddy had put me into a really good mood.. I exercised & cleaned my room; and then started to get ready to go out for a friend’s birthday lunch. To show Daddy how important he is to me & how much I value wearing a choker, I opted to wear the white collar-like choker that he really likes; I feel the most slave like in it.

On the way to my friend’s hotpot birthday lunch, I had to pick up a cake for him that his girlfriend had booked at a nearby bakery. It was black forest, so I eagerly showed Daddy that because I remember it was his fav cake flavour. I don’t know why little things like that make me so happy. Like, I guess I like knowing little details about my Daddy. I had a good lunch & got back home around 4pm. I then baked some cookies (for another friend’s care package) and then got changed into a black tank top & my short plaid skirt from Shein. Though Daddy and I weren’t chatting at the time, I still sent him a lot of snaps as I went along throughout my day so that he’d know what his bitch was up to at every point during the day. I guess I like when he’s updated and stuff, because it makes me feel even more owned by him. I couldn’t find my biker shorts and I didn’t know if I had permission to wear panties or not, so I went to the party at night bare under my skirt. 

The party was honestly so fun; it had such a good vibe.. There was a sushi boat & the people who were invited were super chill. I got invited to tag along to an AirBnB to get high but I opted not to as I’d already done so on Tuesday, and I wanted to obey Daddy and his “one cone a week” rule. There was also a vape being passed around; I’ll admit that I was mad tempted but I didn’t want to risk losing Daddy to that. Instead, I just danced a lot and had many, many shots. Initially we were just toasting w/ vodka shots, but then we played some drinking games and whatnot. it was a huge party: girls outnumbered single guys massively, though the host’s older brother had a lot of his friends over (though since they’re in my sister’s year, they’re kinda like “out of bounds” as they see me as a little sister). All in all, I had like 13 shots & started to feel really, really clingy for my Daddy. Like insanely needy. I spammed him loads, and when he replied to me, drunk me kinda forgot about his living situation so I tried to call him because I just wanted to hear his voice so badly. He sent me a video snap telling me that he loved me though, and I think that made my night. Daddy ordered me to get off my phone & go enjoy myself with my friends, but all I wanted to do was talk to him. I’m very honest when I’m drunk; I guess I lose my filter.. So I kept asking him for reassurance that he truly saw a future with me/ that I still made him happy, to which he told me to trust him. Tbh, recently I’ve started feeling like I can’t even see a future for myself. So knowing that he sees a future with me gives me hope to keep holding on for something. I thought about this a lot while I was drunk.. I would never ever harm myself or take my own life if Daddy left me, I know I wouldn’t. But I recently realised that there’s not a lot that I think is worth living for. At this point, I’m pretty much alive just because I don’t want to hurt my parents. And before Daddy texted me, though I was having fun w/ friends, I was having some pretty dark thoughts I’ll admit. They had nothing to do with him; more like me just realising that sometimes, I don’t really want to be alive. At the time, being drunk & all, it hadn’t occurred to me that if I took my own life, I’d be taking myself from him as well. As I write this sober, I feel so selfish for thinking about taking Daddy’s property away from him - so I know I wouldn’t. He’s kinda like my beacon in the dark; when I’m lost in my own thoughts, his presence makes everything better. As I always tell him, he’s like my painkiller. I just hope the effect he has on me doesn’t wear off because he really does lift all the dark thoughts away & make my life so much better. 

Anyway, after texting him for a bit, my spirits were massively boosted & I felt mad horny (especially after seeing Daddy’s face). I sexted him a little bit, and tried to tease him a little bit in the bathroom mirror while I was peeing. That’s when Daddy told me he wanted to take advantage of me, and asked me to go suck a cock for him. I tried my best to: my sister’s friends were out of bounds, so were the taken guys.. A large group of guys had also left the party briefly to go get high (as the host said no smoking green on her property) so there really only were two potential targets. The Korean dude is pretty much asexual; like all his friends say that & he’s once told me that he has a right hand for a reason lol. So I tried for the Columbian guy. We ended up in the bathroom & he was leaning against me - I don’t think he was drunk but he was a bit stoned from a marijuana juice vape. I asked him if I could suck his cock but he wanted to make out first. I tried my best to divert him away from that & just let me get to business, but he kept pushing me against the wall and trying to kiss me. Eventually I just said nevermind & he let me leave; idk if Daddy wanted me to kiss him to get the cock sucking video but I didn’t want to incase Daddy didn’t approve of that. By then it was 11pm; my ride was coming in about a half hour. Thankfully, the group of guys had returned & among them was a Kiwi guy that I know has eyes for me. He came over to sit near me & chat, and we spoke for about 15mins before I asked if he wanted to go into the bathroom: which he did. There, he kinda felt me up a little bit while we talked some more & then I asked him if I could suck his cock. He was a bit curious when I asked him if he could record me doing it on MY phone and not his. I didn’t even end up getting to do it because my friend texted me saying her mum had arrived to take us home. I did snap a selfie w/ him while in the bathroom to show Daddy as proof that I’d tried though. Tbh, the Kiwi guy is super nice - he’s headboy for my school & all, and we get along quite a bit but the whole time we were in the bathroom, all I could think about was Daddy. Like I knew that I was only there because I wanted to complete Daddy’s task: nothing more. I was wet, but for Daddy and due to thoughts of Daddy. I felt a bit disappointed that I wasn’t able to complete his task, but Daddy reassured me that it was okay & that at least I had tried to obey him.

On the carride back, one of my exes (who I’m on good terms with, we just had a very physical relationship on & off for a couple months) hit me up saying that he was at another friend’s party and that I should pop over while I’m out. I had to say no because my parents were expecting me back by midnight, but I felt so upset at the time (being drunk and all) having to say no because I know that I could’ve sucked his cock on video easily for Daddy. I just felt so upset that I couldn’t complete his task. But upon telling Daddy that, he insisted that it was okay and that the task was voided - and I instantly felt better. 

When I got back, Daddy told me he wanted to use me (yay hehe) & gave me a task to do. I basically had to video myself for 30mins fucking my pussy & asshole, and cum repeatedly to soak my bed for him. I was so eager for this task and within the first 3 minutes already came. But after that orgasm, I felt so nauseous and ended up throwing up in the bathroom. Looking back, I’m annoyed at myself because I could’ve cum so many times!! But I’m glad I managed to get a short slutty video for Daddy; it really was a great orgasm, which I had to the thought of my Daddy. It’s always him. And I like it that way. I truly have realised that ever since I’ve submitted to him, no one else can turn me on. It’s like he owns my libido too. I have no complaints about that though. I am his. 

[velvetchen]

11 Questions Tag

so i was tagged thrice (!!!) by three lovely people, thank you so much!! i couldn’t decide which set of questions to do bc i didn’t want to leave any out so i did all three! thank you again for tagging me!

i’m putting my questions & tags right at the top so y’all don’t have to scroll through my 33 questions of rambling lmao 

rules:  answer the 11 questions from the person who tagged you and then make 11 more for the people you tag.

edit: i was tagged again, so i decided to come back and add on to this and i noticed tumblr didn’t actually tag anyone so yeah i fixed that now rip

here are my questions!

1. Book/movie/art piece that made you think the most and why? 2. What’s your favorite physical/personality feature of your bias(es)? 3. What colors and smells reminds you of home? 4. If you could only listen to 30 seconds of one song for your entire life, what song & time interval would it be? 5. Languages you'd like to learn? 6. What are three pieces of advice you’d give to 30-year-old you? 7. If you bumped into your bias on the street and you had no idea who they were, what would your first impression be and what would you do next? 8. Ultimate holiday itinerary? 9. You go to your bias group’s concert, and you’re one of the lucky fans invited on stage for a ~special performance~... what do you do?  10. What made you first notice your bias? 11. Do you have any bad habits?

tagging 11 people: @blushtones @sehunsface @whimsical-ness @yeoleow  @fuck-me-up-fam @romantichen @xingmithefool @honeyjongdae @ineedyixing @dropsofletters @chanyoel

sorry if you’ve already been tagged / you don’t wanna be tagged!

@dragon-dust !! thank you love

What’s your favourite flower? 

hmmm i’ve said this before but i do love pink lilies! i also love hydrangeas and orange blossoms and i think the skeleton flower is cool as heck (it’s a flower that turns crystal-clear when wet) 

Sunrise or sunset?

i like sunrises bc it’s colder and there are always a lot of bugs around at sunset...not to mention it gets dark really quickly!

Favourite childhood piece of music? 

mmm a lot bc we used to listen to a lot of music!! but anything by michael jackson or lucky ali is v nostalgic to me

Name a character from a book that you can’t forget.

i don’t have one from a books (rip i’ve never properly liked a book character) but the magician from the webtoon annarasumanara kind of stuck with me? i just felt so sad for him & he reminds me of what i don’t want to end up being

Pictures or gifs? 

pictures! 

Is there any really famous movie that you’ve not ever seen? 

ohhhhh boy a lot! i don’t watch movies much and if i do the last thing i’d watch is romance/comedy/etc so i haven’t seen all those ‘classics’ like the notebook and legally blonde and so on... i’ve never seen high school musical either (or any of those disney channel shows)

Clean desk or a messy one? 

it starts off clean and then it gets messy lmao

If you could start again and change only one thing, what would that be?

i would love myself more, and i would’ve made an effort to speak all my languages :(

Five things, one desert island for the rest of your life. What do you bring

(assuming i can’t bring exo) uhhh, because i’m practical: a good knife, large sheet of tarp, indefinite number of matches, clean clothes and something to hold water

Favourite way to spend your free time. 

wasting it tbh... but i love having long chats w my friends

Would you rather be able to fly or walk through walls? 

i’d fly bc walking through walls would be a lot more easier to get caught at... @technicallymilkshakes   !! (i love these questions!) 

You’ve been friends with your bias for some time now and you’re pretty sure there’s some mutual attraction between the two of you. How does this attraction get resolved? Does someone confess (who)? Is it more physical? Do you agree to remain just friends? Or does it stay unresolved? 

okay okay ASSUMING this ever happens ... i’d confess! i don’t like keeping things that could change my life. even if i wasn’t sure they liked me too. i’d go for a half-relationship/half-friend thing?? bc i hate proper relationships 

Do you have a recurring daydream you like to revisit? What is it?

yep! plenty hahaha. i have one where Ambiguous Person and i are hiking through the woods, another where we’re trying to ballroom dance and then one where we’re forced to share a bed... you know the one... (SORRY i’m so soft when it comes to romance)

How did your bias become your bias?

ahhh okay at first my bias was jongin?? bc i usually like the dancers? and i was watching a lot of exo-k so i didn’t even know about jd but like... i watched a couple of lives and his voice just got me... and then of course all those ‘try not to fangirl’ challenges that sucked the life out of me

What’s one song from your bias group that can always make you happy?

i love love love replay! especially the live ver. where they all cried... i cry everytime i hear it too?? and the whole lucifer album also (surprise!! my bias group isn’t exo lmao)

Are you right-handed? Left-handed? Ambidextrous?

right-handed! i can write w my left hand but not for long periods of time

You call in to the radio show your bias is a guest on. It gets picked up and now you’re live on the air. What would you say to them?

i’d say (in my crappy korean) that i love them and i’m so happy i got to talk to them! and that i hope they’re happy and taking care of themselves 

What’s the best concert you’ve ever been to?

i’ve only been to two :( both of them were incredible though! i saw yanni live & a classical concert by zubin mehta + the australian world orchestra and !!!! mesmerizing experiences! now if i could just see tsfh i’d die happy

What’s your favorite film genre and what are some movies you would recommend from it?

like i said i don’t like films much but,,, i do love space movies and historical settings! i can’t recall any besides interstellar which most people have probably watched

What do you think other people’s first impression of you is? What do you want it to be?

they probably think i’m kind of rude? ;;;;;;;; bc i’m super shy so i don’t talk much at all? also they probably think i’m homeless or something bc i’m always barefoot, my hair’s always messy and somehow i end up getting dust all over me RIP

Is there a book that you’ve given up on finishing? If so, why? 

i’ve dnf’ed a loooot of books! most recently, a court of thorns and roses (s. j. maas) & caraval (stephanie garber) MAN i really hated those

You went to a fansign and your bias signed your album and drew a special note + a little doodle just for you. What does the note say and what’s the doodle? Do you show it off to everyone when you get home or do you tuck it in a safe spot and take it out once in a blue moon to reminisce alone?

ldkfns i’m imagining this and i’m SUFFERING but uhh i’d ask him to draw a cat lmao and write something that makes him happy!  and the second one! i’m not a showy person so i’d definitely keep it somewhere safe and take it out when i want to remember :’)

@jds1andonly  !! 

If you could have any exo member as your twin, who would it be?

probably chanyeol bc i need some positivity! and he’d be really fun to talk to and do everything with

Imagine you have one day where you can eat anything you want: what would you eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

assuming this also means no gastric troubles... i’d go to the most expensive vegan restaurants in the world and gorge myself (bc i’m still morally obligated)

What is something you want to do by the end of the year?

oh boy considering there’s only a month and a half left... finish my ongoing series, be done with all my school stuff and ready for my exams in january, and organize the trip i want to go on with my friends after graduation!

What is your dream job?

i wanna be a teacher or a professor! maybe go around the world and teach in poorer regions? i actually have this dream to start an organization for volunteer teaching in low-income areas around the world. after i retire, i want to run a cafe/library in a really secluded place.

What is your favorite part from exo’s unfair performances (any one of them)

oh my godddd they’re all so sickeningly sweet but i like the christmas one with the santa suits and jongdae’s part in the second verse where he goes ‘oooooh oooooh’ with the finger heart? it’s so cute i wanna die

What was your favorite TV show as a kid?

spongebob ndsfnsk obviously... 

What is the funniest thing you’ve ever heard about your bias?

this one video someone tagged me in of jd wearing those periscope glasses and screaming?? 

What is your least favorite food and why?

i haaaaaaate curry leaves they make me nauseous :-/ 

What TV show have you been watching recently?

does masterchef australia count? i watch it obsessively!!

If you had a superpower like the exo members, what would you want yours to be?

hmm. hmmmmm very good question. probably telekinesis bc it’s really cool and i can move stuff from across the room without having to get up

If you could be in any kpop group, which would it be and why?

just for the concepts? id say exo or vixx for the music but i wouldn’t really fit in lmfao so like maybe snsd or EXID 

okay this was super long i’m sorry but i had fun!!! thank you guys for tagging me again!!! 

[justintimbershit]

1-99

1: 6 of the songs you listen to most?XO - John Mayer Cabaret - Justin Timberlake Lights On - Shawn Mendes Bad Habit - The KooksHow Would You Feel - Ed Sheeran You’re Gonna Llive Forever in Me - John Mayer

2: If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?literally John Mayer so I can ask him why the FUCK he played XO in Chicago and why that was only the 10th time ever and first and only time of TSFE tour he played it

3: Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17.“Mom’s stumped us. We had absolutely no idea who she’d dredge” (I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson)

4: What do you think about most?how terrible life is and then how much i wanna die tbh

5: What does your latest text message from someone else say?“Jena should i get dropped off at your house then we can go get joe & julie?” IOWA TOMORROW FOR ED :DDDD

6: Do you sleep with or without clothes on?always w shirt but no pants lol

7: What’s your strangest talent?hating life as much as i do idk i have no talent

8: Girls… (finish the sentence); Boys… (finish the sentence)girls r hot n nice boys r hot n mean

9: Ever had a poem or song written about you?yeah bc we were in love lol :(

10: When is the last time you played the air guitar? idk i usually dont

11: Do you have any strange phobias?feet, being alone but also being in large crowds, idk theyre not very weird

12: Ever stuck a foreign object up your nose?no?

13: What’s your religion?idk man none atm prob

14: If you are outside, what are you most likely doing?looking forward to going inside. but working and therefore reading.

15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?behind bc i am ugly lol

16: Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band?um probably panic at the disco but then also the killers

17: What was the last lie you told?“its fine” bc no it is not fine i wanna fight

18: Do you believe in karma?ya i think so. maybe

19: What does your URL mean?i like Justin Timberlake and also swearing

20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?weakness is probably just who i am as a person and strength is idk i dont have any

21: Who is your celebrity crush?lmao. you say this like i have one. i have many. like thousands.

22: Have you ever gone skinny dipping?nope

23: How do you vent your anger?talk to someone usually

24: Do you have a collection of anything?movie/concert/sporting event tickets and also empty gatorade bottles on my floor

25: Do you prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?phone bc im ugly

26: Are you happy with the person you’ve become?eh. better than what i was but could be better

27: What’s a sound you hate; sound you love?hate is my sisters voice lol love is john mayers voice bc he sounds like a fuckin angel

28: What’s your biggest “what if”?what if i was someone else but not really someone else just like what if i was me with a better life or a differnt life in which things didnt always go so terribly for me ya know

29: Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens?ghosts maybe but aliens def

30: Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm.right arm some paper hanging off my nightstand and left nothing

31: Smell the air. What do you smell?the faint scent of clean laundry and lotion

32: What’s the worst place you have ever been to?hm.. great question. i feel like ive been to some pretty bad places but i cant recall any???

33: Choose: East Coast or West Coast?ive never been to either but east coast i think

34: Most attractive singer of your opposite gender?justin timberlake bc hes one of the most attractive men in the entire world

35: To you, what is the meaning of life?bein happy, doin what you want, livin

36: Define Art.something someone creates

37: Do you believe in luck?yes i do

38: What’s the weather like right now?humid i think

39: What time is it?9:41 pm

40: Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed?nope to both

41: What was the last book you read?i recently finished “The Upside of Unrequited” and now im workin on “More Than This”

42: Do you like the smell of gasoline?no i hate it it makes me nauseous

43: Do you have any nicknames?jules

44: What was the last film you saw?o fuck um fist fight maybe?

45: What’s the worst injury you’ve ever had?the sunburn i got in florida was terrible bc i couldnt walk for a day so im gonnna say that

46: Have you ever caught a butterfly?no :(

47: Do you have any obsessions right now?brandon saad being a chicago blackhawk again, tommy la stella, john mayer, reading gay books

48: What’s your sexual orientation?bi

49: Ever had a rumour spread about you?uuuuum possibly ??? idk

50: Do you believe in magic?nah but also maybe

51: Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong?in my mind yes but most of the times my actions dont reflect that especially if its been a while

52: What is your astrological sign?sagittarius

53: Do you save money or spend it?both. i allow myself to spend it as long as i still have a decent amount saved

54: What’s the last thing you purchased?lunch at panera lol

55: Love or lust?neither bc they both suck when ur alone

56: In a relationship?no lol

57: How many relationships have you had?zero

58: Can you touch your nose with your tongue?nope i am not talented like that

59: Where were you yesterday?yesterday. i think i stayed home all day then me mary and joe hung out and went to get milkshakes at steak n shake

60: Is there anything pink within 10 feet of you?the inside of the bra bra sitting waiting to be put away lol

61: Are you wearing socks right now?indeed

62: What’s your favourite animal?sloths my fav

63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?i dont have one bc if i did ppl would like me, tf

64: Where is your best friend?at home id assume

65: Give me your top 5 favourite blogs on Tumblr.whats tumblr

66: What is your heritage?im italian but i was born here and so were my parents

67: What were you doing last night at 12AM?watching an episode of Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia before i showered

68: What do you think is Satan’s last name?satan satan

69: Be honest. Ever gotten yourself off?yeah lmao who hasnt tho

70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?i think so sometimes but other times im the worst person ever idk how i have friends

71: You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do?fuck u boss i love dogs and if u hate dogs that much as to not understand the situation i dont wanna work for a dog hater. asshole.

72: You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? b) What do you do with your remaining days? c) Would you be afraid?a. maybe probably b. everything ive never done but wanted to c. probably

73: You can only have one of these things; trust or love.fuck. um. shit. id say love but then u cant trust the person you love so like… but at the same time i love love so much i feel like id die w/o it n ya know i dont trust anyone anyways so im gonna say love

74: What’s a song that always makes you happy when you hear it?srsly…..Bye Bye Bye by *NSYNC bc i cant be sad listening to that song lolol

75: What are the last four digits in your cell phone number?9077

76: In your opinion, what makes a great relationship?communication n openness

77: How can I win your heart?just be nice to me lol i have low standards

78: Can insanity bring on more creativity?yes i do believe so

79: What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far?buying tickets to see john mayer lol that changed my life so drastically. my life is now pre john mayer and post john mayer. he literally fucking sang xo i will never get over it that will always be the happiest moment of my life im crying while typing this

80: What size shoes do you wear?8 - 9 ½ depending on the shoe

81: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?‘probably died because she said she wanted to die so often that death got sick of hearing it and killed her.“

82: What is your favourite word?fuck

83: Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word; heart.justin timberlake. god im so fucked lol

84: What is a saying you say a lot?'i hate my life’ 'i want to die’ 'u should fight’

85: What’s the last song you listened to?Fools Gold by One Direction lmao

86: Basic question; what’s your favourite colour/colours?turquoise

87: What is your current desktop picture?justin timberlake leaning on a car lookin all hot n shit

88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?myself tbh

89: What would be a question you’d be afraid to tell the truth on?uuuum idk it depends whos askin ya know. id answer certain questions if asked by one peson but not another

90: One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren’t really doing anything, they’re just standing around your bed. What do you do?probably cry and attempt but ultimately fail to go back to sleep

91: You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power?flying or teleportation

92: You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?when john mayer played XO at my concert obviously

93: You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?losing all the pictures on my computer bc i keep saying im over it but im really not that was the entire past 4 years of my life in pictures and videos and theyre just gone its bullshit

94: You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be?oh man. so many. but if i had to choose one justin timberlake. wow bet no one saw that comin

95: You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?literally fuckin no where im seeing ed sheeran in a matter of hours im not leaving. but if it were a different day lol id say amsterdam or boston

96: Do you have any relatives in jail?not that im aware of

97: Have you ever thrown up in the car?when i was a smol child yea h but not recently

98: Ever been on a plane?when i was a child yes

99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?um lol idk probably nothing tbh i dont wanna be held responsible for whatever happens afterwards

[coolieoho-blog]

i have felt so many emotions today and i feel like emptying my brain so all of my thoughts are not stuck in there to grow into negativity. i woke up today in a pretty decent mood even though i woke up an hour later than i was supposed to. i got ready and put on a dress that was semi form fitting, like you could see my tummy and butt through it, and i was pleasantly surprised with how i thought i looked. i felt good about my appearance!! i've been working really hard on body image and acceptance recently. i went to the dermatologist because my acne has been really, really bad recently. the guy was so nice and reassuring and he put me on two medications to help it clear up. that made me feel really good because my acne has been making me reallllllly hate how i look. and i felt like an adult for finding a new doctor by myself!! i walked over to the south loop to meet up with anna for lunch. i got a really yummy meal that met all of my meal plan!!! i actually enjoyed every bite of it. it was really nice getting to see anna for a bit during the day!!! i love her a lot. i had a job interview at 1:30, and i was so nervous for it!! i walked over to the coffee shop where i was interviewing and showed up about 15 minutes early, so i had to wait a little bit. of course in those 15 minutes i began overthinking everything and got kind of anxious, but i did some paced breathing and calmed down. my interview went really well i think. i interviewed with two different managers, the first one said i did perfectly and that i seemed like a really genuine and cool person!!!! he made me feel like super confident that i was getting the job. the second manager interviewed me and that went really well too, however i didn't get as much reassurance other than him saying that everything i said sounded really great. he said that he will let me know by friday at the latest whether or not i got the job. i'm really really really hoping i get it!! for many reasons. one being that i need money. two, i have always wanted to be a barista. three, once i have a job i will feel like i'm actually doing something with my life again!! if i get it, great, if i don't, it's ok and i will find another job. after that i went to millennium park because the coffee shop is right across the street from it, and it was so sunny and felt so nice and there were just so many happy people taking pictures with the bean. i felt a happiness i haven't felt in far too long. i can't even explain it, i guess i just am doing better than i ever have before in regards to recovery. like i am living in chicago, i am recovering from an eating disorder, i am getting a job, i'm starting to love myself. i have so many good things going for me. i was tearing up because i was so happy!!!! after that i walked to my dietician' appt. this is where my mood went down a little. the only real struggle i'm having right now with my meal plan is getting all my snacks in. i'm supposed to be having 3 a day, but i usually only eat 1 or 2. so when i met with my dietician, she said that my weight has gone down a bit since we last met. that's really concerning because 2 weeks ago she was telling me i needed to gain more weight to get back to a healthier weight, and now i'm down ever more, which means she wants me to gain even more. she said she is giving me the opportunity to start eating all my snacks again to see if that will get my body to where it needs to be. but if there isn't any improvement (and especially if lose more) by next week, she's going to increase my meal plan. which sucks. for the first time in my life i don't want to lose weight. and it didn't even make me feel good when she told me i had lost some. which i guess is really good right? she also said if i get the job as a barista, i'm going to have to eat more just because i'm going to be exerting more energy. one thing that made me feel really good about that conversation was that she said that "my body is not able to sustain itself with my current nutritional intake". it made me feel good because i really want my body to be healthy and knowing that even though i feel like i'm eating too much, i'm literally not eating enough and that my body is turning to itself for energy. i don't want that!! i want to be fueling my body with enough energy so it doesn't have to break itself down in order for me to survive. i'm starting to trust my body and my treatment team more than my eating disorder. it's really weird and scary but i'm doing it. i had IOP right after, which was incredibly boring. i hate when we just do packets, like it's so boring and i just get grumpy. plus i had a caffeine withdrawal headache and my energy level was definitely feeling it too. then i started about school next year. i don't know where i'm gonna go. i love loyola and i love chicago. and i love anna. my heart is just torn. i don't want to get into that right now. dinner was difficult because i was upset about school and i didn't feel good. we had these spinach and cheese empanadas and they were just gross. i tried to eat them but i couldn't finish. also i even chose to eat a cookie!! they were optional!! go me. anyway, dinner was hard and i literally couldn't eat it because it was gross which just kind of confirmed my eating disorder that i shouldn't have eaten it. but i drank my supplement. and that really hurt my stomach, it made me super nauseous. i got in my uber and my mom texts me saying don't be upset and that everything's fine. and then she goes on to say that my dad has been having seizures since his surgery back in april. that they just didn't tell me or my sister about. he was just having them in his sleep like once or twice a month but he stopped taking his medicine and i guess that made them or frequent. i was so fucking upset i was like silently crying in my uber. i love my dad so much i don't want him to be sick or hurting. they don't even know what's wrong with him and he can't get into a neurologist for 2 months. my mom said the next time he has one she's calling 911 in hopes that they will be able to see and treat him sooner. i got home and was crying on my front porch while smoking a cigarette and a guy that lives in the apt below me comes out the door and was like "are u locked out? do u want me to leave this door open?" and i was like .... no i'm ok..... my makeup was a mess ..... and then he walks past and was like "i'm joey, i'm your neighbor". a great first impression. i called my dad and he was like i'm fine blah blah blah. i'm just so scared for him. he doesn't deserve this!!! he's such a good guy!!!!!!!! i called anna after and her voice always makes me feel better. now i'm laying in bed so so so sleepy while alfie lays next to me. it's been a very long day. okay bye

[wary-era]

So this might be boring but I’d just like to write out my birth story. I’m mostly writing it for me, to try and put my memories all in order

I woke up February 1st feeling pretty nauseous. After seeing Akay and A out the door I went back to bed a slept most of the morning, I think 😂 woke up around noon or so and eventually made my way out to buy groceries. Prepared supper when I got home and cleaned the kitchen, ended up eating supper right after my guys got home because I was ahead of the game 😛 Nausea was completely gone. Akay was really good that night albeit tired, but no tantrums or meltdowns (thank god). A and I watched Zoolander after Akay fell asleep (I hadn’t seen it before), I ate some pineapple while watching, not because I was thinking of induction but it was really ripe/juicy and the craving was strooong. During/after the movie my tummy was upset and I ended up in the bathroom quite a bit, didn’t strike me as weird due to the nausea earlier. A and I ended up having a shower together with the intention of getting ‘it’ on but we both were too tired afterwards 😂 parent life, man. A went to bed around 11 and I stayed up a bit to watch Legend of Korra. I was tired but not fall asleep tired, ya get me? What else was I gonna do at 11 o'clock anyway? Around 11:30 I started getting cramps that hurt a bit but didn’t really think they were a big deal. I started timing what I assumed were Braxton hicks anyway, at that point they were about 30 seconds and 5 to 10 minutes apart - at the time I didn’t think it was going to amount to much. Another 30 minutes pass and suddenly the ‘Braxton hicks’ really freaking hurt. Like I stopped watching LoK to breath through contractions/think… being the turd I am I decided to wait and see if the contractions stopped/slowed when I got up and moved. No such luck. I waited another 30 minutes before deciding it might be baby time 😅 by this time it was 12:30 and instead of getting A up right away I decided to make the guest bed because someone would need to come over for Akay. After making the bed I went to get A. Walked into the room and he woke up: Him: “Hey what’s up?” Me: “I think I might be in labour.” Him: “What??” Me: “We might have a baby tonight.” He stared at me for like 20 seconds before getting up and walking upstairs. Why did he go upstairs? To get me 😂😂 then walked back downstairs and said, “It guess we should call your parents?” And again walked upstairs. Lmao he seemed so lost. I was still timing contractions at this point which were still 30 seconds but consistently 5 to 8 minutes apart. Called mum and she was so out of it too! Granted it was close to 1 am… she wanted to know how far apart/how long contractions were and if it was a ‘come over right now’ scenario, in fact she almost sounded like she wanted me to wait. Nah, dad got in his truck and got to us a little bit before 1:30. We ended up leaving a bit after 1:30 for a drive that takes around 15 to 20 minutes 😐 By the time we got to the hospital it was close to 2 am and by that time I sure as shit wasn’t closely timing contractions, they sucked! They were still 30 seconds but more often 4 minutes apart. Getting through emergency was easy enough, took about 5 minutes and then it was a 5 minute walk up to the Labour and Delivery ward… now where it got fun. Admitting in L&D took at least 5 minutes, they’re super chill and take their time presumably because they’ve seen it all before. I got into triage pretty fast but had to wait for a doctor. A nurse came in to monitor baby and me and kept asking the exact same questions the admitting nurse asked (annoying af). Mid shitty contractions she kept asking me to lie down or hold still, I did my best but Jesus Christ it sucked. No damn way was I timing contractions anymore, I was just getting through them as each one came. Great, so triage nurse leaves to get a medical student and check my cervix, which took them I dunno, 10 minutes? Felt like an hour of course. By that time I’m standing, rocking against A, and making tons of noise through contractions. I felt like such a turd making all that noise but it seemed to help a bit… Eventually triage nurse and medical student come in the check my cervix. I asked if the anesthiologist is busy which she wasn’t, “awesome!!” I’m thinking; I lie down, nurse sticks her hand up there and just goes wide eyed. The medical student then double checks my cervix and they both run out after mumbling something about needing a room. I’m lying on the bed contracting like, “the fuck is going on?” 😮 right away an L&D nurse with a wheelchair comes in and basically shoves me into it. She literally took off running and called over her shoulder to A that we were in room 1. We arrive in the delivery room and right away about 3 nurses are talking to me, telling me my doctor has been called, asking if I need to poop 😅, a million questions… they wanted me to lie down but I kept contracting and asking for a minute (late sorry ladies!). I then asked if there was still time for an epidural to which one nurse said, “Oh hell no, you’re 10 cm. Baby is coming right away.” I was kind of shocked at that point to be honest. My doctor had mentioned labour would be faster this time but this much faster?? Not my proudest moment but I panicked at that point, I kept telling A I couldn’t do it, wasn’t ready, etc. He was really supportive and encouraging though, despite it falling on deaf ears 😊 I got maybe 2 minutes of nitrous oxide before my doctor came in and I wasn’t allowed that good stuff anymore 😜 my doctor checked my cervix right away (I was already lying down) when I felt a warm gush. I sat up and exclaimed, “Oh my God did I pee on you or was that my water?” Not sure if they laughed but it was definitely my waters breaking. Thinking back on it I laugh, but I’m sure they hear it all the time… I was then instructed to push, which I thought I was doing for some reason but my doctor told me I was just making noise 😅 hah oops. A told me to relax and 'grunt it out’ (exact words), which surprisingly helped. One contraction and I hear my doctor say, “Whoa okay slow down…” next contraction comes right away and my doctor is telling me not to push as hard. I heard that last time with Akay but it still sounds baffling in the moment! From start to finish pushing time was less than 5 minutes. Isla’s head popped out and she screeched at my doctor! She was so tiny and perfect, she came out easily and was put on my chest, the official birth time was 2:27 am! I was so shocked by how tiny she was, not that she was below average but I definitely thought I was having a bigger baby. She was 6 lbs 11 oz to be exact, Akay was a week earlier than she was at 6 lbs 12 oz. A then started to cry 😊 which he did off and on all day. Everything was presumably smooth sailing after that but I won’t lie, as corny as it was I was too entranced by my tiny, gorgeous girl. She kept crying in spurts and eventually I got to feed her. A got to cut the umbilical cord and she wasn’t taken from me for about an hour after she was born, which was much different from Akay. Isla was literally perfect in every way, especially to us. Her apgar scores were 7, 8, and 9; an hour and a half after delivery my doctor asked if I wanted to go home that day 😀 we got home by around lunch!

Now, I know for a fact I pooed on the bed right before I started pushing 🙈 it just kind of came out…I know they say “you won’t care in the moment” but holy I am still embarrassed. Yeah I’m sure they’ve seen it all before but uuuugh so gross. I’ve contemplated sending L&D and my doctor a thank you card that says something to the effect of, “Thanks for delivering my baby! Sorry about the poo… shit happens” 😂😂 everyone keeps telling me to stop worrying but aaaaahhhh. Yes I worry about dumb things.

So to recap, contractions started at 11:30, I got to the hospital by around 2 or shortly before, baby Isla was born at 2:27. 😁 we sure cut it close. If I were to have a third would I even bother going to the hospital? Haha

P.S. 'the ring of fire’ is no goddamm joke. I had an epidural with Akay and stupidly did not expect it to hurt so much without.

[justjoeyyy-blog-blog]

Day 1-10

Here is my journey so far on Carnival Imagination. If you're confused reading my posts then you're on the same track as me. Got thrown into this chaos some people call glamorous. So far I see it as a lot of hard work and trying not to get in trouble.

May 14, 2017 Day 1. Walked into my room to “meet” my roommate. She was sleeping and even though she heard me come in did not budge. So I went out into the hallway to cry so she wouldn’t hear me. When I got back she was showering. Finally we met and she didn’t say anything. I tried to ask her questions but she didn’t seem interested. Then she said bye and left. Another excuse to hysterically cry again. I unpacked and realized she’s using up a lot of what is supposed to be my space. This room is so small it’s humorous. I met two girls: Rain from Texas and Eleanor from England. They room together. Their room seems a little bigger than mine and it’s really cute. They’re super sweet and walked me around the ship. They even found parts of my uniform for me. They said I could join their “gang”. They’re around my age which is nice. Eleanor is dating a guy on the ship. I just got back to my room and have an hour until I have to find my supervisor again. I’m a sweaty mess. It’s impossible to get down from this bunk. I’m trying to relax and my roommate is watching a movie and the volume is ridiculously high. Rain and Elle said she’s mean. They said to watch out for the phillipinos. They said my roommate, Ems, is like 30…I’m so annoyed I want someone who will talk to me and help me through this. So unwelcoming. My schedule says I’ll be switching from O2 to Club Ocean throughout this first cruise. I seriously don’t know anything…my magazines fell down to her bunk and I asked if they fell to her and she didn’t say a word. Just handed them back to me. Wtf.

5-15-17 Day 2. Had to be at medical at 8 this morning. I stood there as everyone walked right past me and into the room. The doctor kept saying to stand outside the door and of course I was the only one who listened. Finally someone asked me what I was there for and she explained to me that I needed to go inside and get my medical and stand in line so they can check me. I don’t understand why no one was helping me in the first place. Getting ready this morning was awful. I had to use my phone flashlight for everything. And the shower was awful. It’s also impossible to get down from this freaking bunk it’s fucking terrible. Eating lunch alone. Caesar salad like from the vacation cruises. It’s actually delicious. This is fucking awful. I can’t stop crying and I feel so nauseous from the boat rocking. I worked from 12-5 in camp ocean on the little side and then had training 7-8. I was supposed to work circle c tonight but someone got sick and now I have to work 9-1 and I have to be somewhere at 845 tomorrow morning. My director Carolina is awful. She wouldn’t stop questioning me on my prior training before coming on board. She didn’t understand why I didn’t know certain things as if I’m supposed to know. I haven’t had time to do anything. I need to organize my stuff more and put my magnets on my name tag. Finally back in my bed. It’s 1:07. Tonight was actually really chill and easy. All these typical kids are so weird and say the weirdest things. My roommate just walked in ugh. So fucking awkward and weird. I’m living with a complete stranger. It was nice to have Elle and Rain to talk to today. I found an easier way to get up and down from my bunk but if my roommate is in her bed then I can’t do it. I only had 3 hours of a break today…my supervisor sucks. She’s so unfriendly. I talked to HR today about my contract and how I’m not supposed to be in camp ocean. That’s not what my contract says. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow. I’m scared it’s gonna make me upset though. Especially if I hear my mom or dads voice. I’m gonna go to sleep now. Hopefully Ems doesn’t fucking snore.

5-16-17 Day 3: Had to be at a training at 845 this morning for returning and new employees. They had everyone go around and say what they did on vacation even though she knew there was new people there. When I said it was my first contract everyone turned around and looked at me. I could not keep my eyes open during it. They had to cancel the second part of the training thank the lord because now I can go back to bed. In the training they talked all about being comfortable and welcomed and shit and I wanted to scream. Carolina had a talk with me today. She didn’t understand why I went to HR. I fucking hate her. She’s so rude. HR is there for people that need something. I needed to tell him what was going on and how it is wrong and he agreed. She kept saying okay? Do you understand? Yeah? And I would say yes and nod and she would laugh or shake her head because she didn’t think I understood. Then we had build a bear which was actually really fun. Just very loud and hot because of the lights. Then we went and ate at the lido deck. I ate too much. But I finally pooped!

5-17-17 Day 4: Today was MUCH better. I went to bed at 9 last night. Got up at 11. Ate. Came back and went back to sleep until 3. The boat is so freaking rocky and I feel so sick. I’m laying down which helps but when I’m working it’s so bad. None of my cruises have ever been like this. I’ve been eating sour gummy worms when I don’t feel good. The sugar definitely helps me. Tomorrow we get new people for a new cruise. I feel so shitty right now I don’t even want to sit up to take my medicine. Also Ems woke me up earlier because she was playing John legend so loud and singing along. I was like wtf. I feel like a lot of the time she doesn’t realize I’m up in my bunk. I also woke up to her snoring last night.

5-18-17 Day 5: what the actual fuck. I woke up to my roommate and her friends in our room watching a movie. With the sound on. No headphones. It kept me up for over 2 hours. It’s so rude. I wanna punch her. And she doesn’t leave any room for me. I don’t have any hooks or any room on the desk. And she has something in our bathroom that smells so weird. I’m at immigration right now. We’re stopped in Long Beach. I want to get off so bad and do something fun! I start in circle c this cruise with Alana and then Sunday I’m on my own! So scary. There’s still so much to freaking learn. The food we have is so fucking disgusting. All I’ve been eating in the mess hall is mashed potatoes and bread and butter. Thankfully I get to eat at the lido deck when there’s kids lunch and kids dinner. Otherwise I’d be screwed. I just ate my last sour gummy worm :( Thankfully there’s a candy store on board so hopefully they have some! Right now I’m just laying in bed eating some pretzels. My roommate just walked in so I said hi but that’s it. Hopefully she’s leaving. I keep seeing hot guys but I look like poop so I feel like they don’t even look at me. And I constantly have a resting bitch face because I’m so annoyed half the time. I also feel weird being alone because I feel like people realize I’m new and stare at me like I’m fresh bait or something. I got to talk to Alli and my parents on the phone today which was nice. I have so much Shit I have to read. And I have to pass a safety exam which makes me nervous. It’s 12 now. I don’t start work until 2:30. I’ll probably take a nap. There’s not much else to do because I don’t really know the rules yet and what I can and can’t do. It would be nice to go lay out on the deck. Once I get in the hang of things I’m excited to finally get to do stuff. Like go to a resort at one of our stops and also to see friends and family in Long Beach. That’ll be so nice 😊 Lol my roommate just walked out and didn’t even say bye. Today has been a good day. I did my first safety debriefing with Elle. I also helped register kids and walked around and passed out Circle C fliers. I random guest in the elevator gave me candy which was nice. I also participated in my first sail away party which means dancing with the guests. I was so sweaty. I don’t understand how everyone wears coats around and I’m literally dripping sweat. Stephanie (one of the youth girls) asked if I wanted to room with her today. I have a feeling Ems said something. I haven’t done anything wrong. But I did move the chair today and put my luggage underneath the desk instead. Oops. I’m curious if saying hi and bye isn’t a thing in Ems culture…or maybe she’s just rude. My dad wants me to switch rooms so this is perfect. Tonight I start at Circle C with Alana. She’s training me the next few days and then Sunday I’m on my own! Holy shit the boat just started rocking so bad. Lol my roommate just left and again didn’t say bye. What a bitch. Ugh she already came back. Worked circle c tonight with alannah. It went really well! The kids are super cute but some are weird and annoying af. This one family came in and the mom did not understand why her 8 year old was not allowed in our 12-14 club. She had 2 kids that were in that age range and we told her the other child would have to go to camp ocean. Her words “no they stay together. You make an exception” I explained to her it’s against our policy and she still insisted that “you’re gonna make an exception, thank you”. Eventually we had to call our director who also couldn’t get her point across to the family. They then complained to guest services who also said it is not allowed. At first they parents started walking out the door when we had already told them their youngest child cannot stay. Our club is not check in or check out so the kids can come and go as they please, which is a huge reason why we have the age policy. My roommate and I kinda talked but not really. She’s in charge of the O2 club and my club and hers do a lot of stuff together which is kinda awkward. She’s really silly and fun when she wants to be. Alannah said it’s nothing I’ve done, she’s just a tough one to crack. Not sure when I’m moving rooms. It’ll be good though because me and Ems have the same exact schedule which is hard.

Paolo Olesky

5-19-17 Day 6: I seriously can’t stop sweating. My hair looks like I just took a shower but really it’s just sweat. And everyone else are wearing their jackets and I’m here dropping sweat. I think it might be because I’m nervous and still figuring things out. It’s really nerve racking when it comes to talking to guests and making sure our behavior is up to carnivals standards. I worked in circle c from 12-5. It was seriously so much fun. The kids are awesome and also bring me ice cream :p I have to go back at 830 (in 2 hours) and I’ll be there until 1. I honestly don’t mind though because the kids are fun and we get to play games and do activities that I personally enjoy myself, like karaoke. The boat is super rocky as usual. I’ve been wearing these bands but don’t think they’re doing much. Dramamine has been helping though! But it’s not healthy to take that everyday for the next 3 months. Today Carolina told me that me and alannah are going to be rotating between circle c and club ocean……..which is not what I signed up for. Long story short: alannah has been in circle c the past couple of months to cover for the girl that left. Well I came to take over circle c but the office didn’t realize that alannah wanted it and actually already had an interview scheduled. So by the time my director emailed them back saying they didn’t need me, I was already on the plane. I really don’t want to be with the little kids but maybe it won’t be too bad. I’m drunk. Oops. I’ll tell you more tomorrow. I’m being so loud though because my roommate sucks and deserves revenge.

5-20-17 Day 7: I went out last night! There was a techno party in the crew bar. Then we went to the night club. I feel like shit though. My fucking roommate woke me up snoring alllllll night. I just had to go to a safety drill. My director picked me out of everyone…I had no idea what I was doing. And of course now I’m dripping sweat. I can’t wait to buy a fan. Slept all day until I had to work. And of course my roommate was snoring. I took a video of it too lol. When my dad snores if I make any noise he’ll stop but this girl was not buying it. I even turned my alarm on with my phone on full blast and she still didn’t wake up…like wtf. She sounded like a dying bear. Tomorrow Winslow is gonna pick me up. It’ll be nice to get off this damn ship. I have to take my safety exam tomorrow though and move rooms so it’ll be a busy day. Starting tomorrow I’ll be alone in circle c which is really exciting. The kids are super fun but when it comes to the parents I totally freeze up. My throat is starting to hurt. And last time that happened I felt like I was on my death bed. I took a NyQuil praying it helps before it gets worse. It’s been a longgggggg week. Tomorrow morning I get my keys to my new room. Which also means I gotta move all my shit. I’m excited to be on land though and get some stuff done. There’s so many rules with this job it’s crazy. So much paperwork and silly things that have to be done. It’s very confusing and just not needed at all.

5-21-17 Day 8: Today was a really good day. I woke up early and switched rooms. I made sure I was as loud as possible when I was moving my stuff because my rude ex roommate was sleeping. After moving in Winslow came and picked me up. I haven’t seen her in a freaking year. So crazy. We went to brunch with some of her friends and then we went to Rite Aid because I needed to buy some stuff. My supervisor Carolina pissed me off as usual. We were giving out wrist bands to the kids and she ran up to me and Eleanor asking why we were letting the tails hang off of the bands. She said she got a call from someone about it…like wtf. Me and Eleanor were making sure we clicked the extra band back under AKA the phillipino girl also handing out the bands was the one fucking up but of course nothing was said to her. Then Carolina bitched at me for not having my work phone when really she should’ve been yelling at Alana for giving me the phone dead with 0% battery. And no charger. Because she claims she doesn’t have one…….I did circle c by myself tonight. It was so much fun and I already really like the kids. I need to call the office about this whole switching thing because I don’t want to do it and it’s not fair to me.

5-22-17 Day 9: Today was a really good day. Besides the fact that I was startled when my alarm went off this morning and I banged my forehead on the metal shelf next to my bunk. My body is covered in bruises it’s really weird. I got to know a lot more of the kids today. They’re so hilarious. One of the kids though kept making Jewish jokes even after one of the girls (who is Jewish) asked him to stop. He drew a hitler mustache on his face and kept making jokes. Then some girl painted a swastika sign on her hand like wtf? The guy was also making black jokes it really made everyone feel weird (at least I felt uncomfortable). We got to see the magician today who was freaking amazing. He does this trick where he has a deck of cards. He asks one person to say their favorite card out loud. The girl chose 3 of clubs. He tells her to pretend to take it out of the deck, show everyone, then place it back in the deck face down (the other cards are face up) then he snaps his finger, takes the cards out of the box, and the card she pretended to flip over was actually flipped over. The guy is creepy and looks like madame zarooni from the movie holes. Like literally twins. Karaoke was really fun too. My old roommate Ems thinks she can sing and it’s cringeworthy. She sang all of me by John legend which is the same freaking song she was singing when she woke me up the other night. The cutest thing also happened. So the theme for tonight was imaginary Prom because everyone was dressed up for captains dinner. So one of my little boys hands me a piece of paper and asks me to give it to one of the girls in the club. I opened it up and it said “will you go to prom with me? Ps this is ethan”. It was seriously the cutest thing ever. I never realized imaginary prom consisted of playing wii and throwing glow sticks at one another. We also played capture the flag where I met this 15 year old who has already taken 3 AP classes…….I also have 2 kids in my club that are goth/emo and they say the saddest things! Half the time they’re joking but at the same time really mean it. They say their favorite color is black just like their souls and just weird stuff. They said I’m weird too so I’m allowed to join their group. They’re super sweet though and totally helped me clean up the club without me even asking. The place was a mess. These kids literally throw their trash on the ground as if it’s nothing. Well it’s 1:37 and I need to go to sleep. I can tell I’m starting to get a cold and I really need to stop it before it turns into something worse. And I’m very low on sleep. I can’t wait to have access to my phone tomorrow.

5-23-17 Day 10: Today has been a really good day. I had training this morning which actually answered a lot of my questions. Work was good too. We did crafts and talked. The 2 emo kids were saying weird stuff again and painting all their stuff black. They said they really like me though which makes me feel good. The emo girl said something under her breath about killing herself. One of the other girls turned to her and said why would you want to kill yourself? She responded and said I dunno, I hate myself, I tried to slit my wrists 2 weeks ago but it didn’t work. It completely broke my heart. Also while she was saying weird things one of the boys out loud said “she’s gonna commit suicide on day.” It baffles me that these kids (aged 11-14) are saying things like that. I think I’m gonna talk to the emo girl later one on one. She said she goes to counseling because she’s “messed up”. It just makes me so sad. And knowing that she likes me and likes to hang out with me makes me think she’ll feel comfortable talking. I actually just ate dinner with the 2 emo kids as well as the 2 Jewish siblings that are in my club. They’re super freaking weird but very mature so it’s easy to talk to them. I think I’m gonna get off the boat tomorrow with Elle. If not I’m gonna lay out. I don’t start until 4. I haven’t been outside at all besides at night time. My head is KILLING me where I hit it on that metal shelf. There’s a little bump now. My mom said she sent me a package so I’m looking forward to that. Alli said she did too. The only package I got so far is my medications lol. I think robin and Larry might come pick me up on Sunday. I desperately need a haircut 💇🏽