#so many thoughts in this head of mine deadass fr

[svtskneecaps]

kenny is fucking incredible and i gave myself a headache wheezing at him playing remixed rave classical music while going mad with power in french over mining sand. amazing. actual Art. him and ethan bonding over loving the sand grind is also amazing. 10/10 seriously thrilled to know of him.

[almasidaliano]

Mental Health Matters

i am not okay. .. and that is okay. it's okay not to be okay sometimes. it's all okay, even if it hurts. you have to always remind yourself that it's okay even when it hurts because it is always going to hurt.

imagine waking up, and for no reason at all wanting to die. imagine every day being that way until they start to run together and then it just becomes this on going day that goes on forever, and you go from waking up every morning to greeting the sun with a sign because once again you've failed to die.

i'm not always sad, i always have SAD learn the difference. SAD: Social Anxiety Disorder. thought that was it? nope. ready for the list?

SAD - SOCIAL ANXIETY DISORDER GAD - GENERAL ANXIETY DISORDER SP - SOCIAL PHOBIA CLINICAL DEPRESSION GENERAL DEPRESSION SEASONAL DEPRESSION (DID - DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER BPD - BI POLAR DISORDER) PTSD - POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER INSOMNIA BULIMIA NERVOSA

welcome to my mental health rant. as if life doesn't already fuck us enough. the best people are mad. so i try not to let it fuck with me too much. but everyday is a battle. i mean a full blown war, one that isn't always visible from the outside.

anxiety is like extremely heightened awareness. you are just aware of everything, every possible variable that could apply to a scenario pops into my head and just spins. making decisions feels impossible. trying to express myself. having so many forms of anxiety means i question and overthink everything. i get flustered easily. i chuckle nervously a lot. since i have been diagnosed since i was a freshman, ive learned some coping skills to get through the days. they backfire though because most people think i am fine and dandy.

the depression is killer. no cap, i think i could handle it if it weren't for the anxiety. like when im trying to get myself out of bed, i don't need depression on my  chest and anxiety in my ear about all the bad things life brings, and how im a failure for not getting up, pros and cons of life. there is so much pressure to live and it damn near impossible to die. like deadass, when you fr tryna get out this mf, life laughs at you in the face.

FUCK BIG PHARMA.

if i need meds i can medicate myself. the meds they would give me made it worse. it was like i was a zombie. numb and fatigued. that's when the light dimmed. and family just knew they would help and so they dimmed and dimmed and dimmed my light. i lost drive, i lost will power. all that was left was this empty vessel.

can you imagine asking for help and being gaslighted? or dismissed. they threw pills at the problem. i said they didn't work they said keep taking them. then they said you need to talk to someone- crazy i kept trying to talk to them. no one had time to hold me together; still my pieces always managed to keep them steady.

when it becomes to much i just stop. i just don't. sometimes i don't really resonate with my vessel. they call that dissociative identity. i dont really think i dissociate though so....

the waves of bipolar disorder are hectic for even myself. i dont know where the emotions be coming from. i dont know why its like click pop off. i have no idea. thats how my body responds. i try to just be quiet, but silence makes me ache i have to get it out. i think its cause i have so much buried already. i feel like a burden or an issue when i try to express myself so i tend to keep it to myself if possible. i feel the anger. my body gets hot. if i suppress the anger i cry, then the depressions back. depression is never without anxiety and that mf gotta make it impossible for me to calm down then its like how do i explain this right? so people know whats going on? lol i try to explain my feelings but it just be seeming like everyone thinks im overdramatic and doing too much. its exhausting to have to feel so much all the time.

trauma makes life the hardest. the ptsd takes your mind back to those moments. how do you climb out of your mind? when you open your eyes and you know where you are but it's not what you see. when you can see, inreality but that's not what you think. when the people with you keep trying to ground you with their voices and you hear them, but they sound distant. trying to get to them, its like they can't get to you. so you feel it again. like a fresh new wound. and then you try not to relapse because its old news, with new bruises.

appetite left when my confidence did. i still throw up from time to time. everything comes in waves now. i try to eat, but it typically makes me nauseous or i get full fast. i rarely ever have a taste for anything, i be drinking stuff steadily.

i stopped sleeping because the night terrors were too much. minds are this unlimited storage space and i would love to empty mine out. i swear i am horder of memories. i think ive forgotten things, i try to forget them, and yet they find a way to wound me again. letting go is the major key to mental health. letting things be what they will be.

one thing i have learned, happiness does not last. it won't. nothing can. nothing does. that doesn't make it any less worth it though. you have to push for something. and knowing this is what happiness, to some extent is supposed to feel like, its a reminder that everyday i fight that battle and i win. and i will find happiness within again. and it will leave again. and i will let it go. and welcome it when it comes back, thats how the cycle goes.

this was just a rant. be nice to everybody because you don't know how close they are to the edge. and if you know someone who jumps, for once support them. meaning rejoice their memory, don't say they shouldve been stronger or they were selfish. let them know they are loved and never alone. because when you are on that ledge, all that's running through your mind is all the people who will be hurting now, all the things you didn't get to do, you sit there contemplating if you are really capable of being selfish now.

people don't kill themselves because they feel like no one's there; that isn't what is meant when they say i feel alone. they mean in a room full of people. they mean when they go to their support system and still feel the same so they just decide to act like its all cool and end the conversation. its like, i know what i have and its all i need. family love support is all we need. administered correctly, i think it could save any life. blood don't always constitute family. and love is hard to find. if the support isn't sturdy, the bridge comes falling down. just be sure to tell your mental health friends youre proud of them for staying. ask them to always stay. and if ever they cannot go on, whisper into the air "you did good."

believe it or not we all feel the same pain. its just dressed up in different ways. so be mindful, pay attention. when someone's talking, do more than listen; comprehend them. support and uplift them. if there's a friend in need, be sure to be the thing theyre missing.

keep going. its not too late.

-Almasi

ps: should ever anyone need, you can always find a friend in me.