#so many talented writers thank u for blessing us and making our days and nights so much better

[softie00]

Wow reading brings me so much joy and emotions, some which I could never express or haven't had the chance to. It feels so nice, I've genuinely missed this all. I'm so 🥺

[ynkkoo-a]

            ♡◞  𝐤𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐨𝐨  𝐬𝐚𝐲𝐬  𝒕𝒉𝒂𝒏𝒌 𝒖  !

            not  at  me  repurposing  one  of  my  theme  graphics  bc  i’m  a  lil  lazy  babie  ,  but  !  since  i  jus  hit  another  follower  milestone  n  the  decade  is  comin  to  a  close  ,  i  jus  wanted  to  say  thank  u  to  all  my  mutuals  n  followers  n  such  who  rly  made  this  last  year  enjoyable  on  this  hellsite  !  2019  was  tough  on  a  lot  of  us  in  a  lot  of  ways  ,  but  we  all  did  it  ,  babyluvs  !  we  saw  it  out  to  the  end  n  hopefully  the  20′s  are  a  lot  prettier  for  us  all  !  p.s.  i’m  sorry  to  anyone  not  mentioned  !  i  hav  the  memory  n  attention  span  of  a  babie  fish  ,  but  i  luv  all  of  u  soso  so  much  n  u  rly  all  do  mean  the  absolute  world  to  me  !  ♡

            first  off  ,  jus’  a  quick  an  honourable  mention  to  all  of  my  nonnies  of  the  year  ,  wherever  u  babies  are  now  !  in  particular  ,  my  cherry  nonnie  ,  my  jk  anon  (  @jminacious​​  )  ,  my  boo  ,  my  strawberry  nonnie  ,  n  my  grades  anon  !  n  anyone  else  who  has  sent  me  sweet  nonnies  ,  these  r  jus  the  recurring  ones  of  the  year  heh  !  u  sweet  nonnies  own  my  heart  n  truly  made  this  blog  such  a  lovely  n  pretty  n  positive  experience  for  me  ,  n  i  cannot  properly  express  w  words  how  much  all  of  ur  sweet  mssgs  meant  n  mean  to  me  always  !  ^♡^

            starting  off  w  the  mutuals  i  literally  never  speak  to  ,  bc  of  my  shy  babie  antics  ,  but  who  i  admire  from  afar  so  much  !  ur  all  soso  talented  ,  jus  all  around  beautiful  souls  who  deserve  the  prettiest  days  .  pleathe  feel  free  to  come  talk  to  me  ,  i’ll  luv  u  down  w  my  whole  heart  since  i’m  practically  ur  secret  admirer  anyway  .

@miyanez , @kimseokjvn , @rmsrpt , @capitae , @chunghart , @aronpiper , @jinjeongguks , @yukhciz , @cjdoesrpt , @pocmuzings ,  @chuuiez , @leeieno , @igorrpt , @luvgifs , @joonkookies , @drunkblushed , @savta , @frcylan , @jinsoouls  !

            now  ,  to  give  all  my  luv  to  those  who  literally  . . .  hav  my  heart  .  we  haven’t  talked  much  ,  again  bc  i’m  a  shy  babie  ,  tho  sum  of  us  hav  jus  recently  been  talking  more  which  makes  me  very  sparkly  ,  but  !  we  exchange  ims  here  or  there  ,  send  an  ask  or  two  ,  reply  to  n  like  each  other’s  posts  ,  support  each  other’s  content  ---  u  know  ,  we’re  cute  mutuals  !  the  ‘  will  they  ,  won’t  they  ‘  mutuals  !  for  realsies  ,  tho  ,  ur  all  so  talented  ,  whether  it  be  in  making  gifs  or  themes  or  graphics  or  writing  or  whatever  !  ur  talent  astounds  me  n  i  am  beyond  in  luv  w  u  !

@sprfluous , @chanheez , @loonarz , @jungjnsoul , @yeriimss , @hotjoong , @hiqey , @tcehyvng , @kvinabstract , @stcinfelds , @kermitgrinch , @mcninas , @doyyeon , @jminssii , @jiminslolli , @raihelps , @svnflxwer , @softcarpenters  !

            n  now  for  honourable  mentions  !  the  few  ppl  on  this  site  who  my  shy  babie  antics  did  not  keep  me  from  talking  to  n  becoming  friends  w  .  these  are  the  literal  luvs  of  my  life  !  our  ships  are  literally  *chefs  kiss*  ,  i  feel  comfy  cryin’  n  rantin’  to  u  guys  without  worryin  abt  being  annoying  n  i  hope  the  feelin’  is  mutual  ,  i  don’t  feel  even  an  ounce  of  anxiety  when  talkin’  to  u  guys  which  is  such  a  major  thing  for  me  ?  i  consider  u  guys  my  friends  sm  n  our  friendship  literally  means  the  world  to  me  .  ur  soso  talented  in  so  many  ways  n  u  hav  the  loveliest  hearts  ,  n  i’m  so  honoured  to  be  able  to  be  ur  friend  n  to  write  w  u  all  !  

            p.s.  there’s  cute  lil  mssgs  for  each  of  u  under  the  cut  !

@pointlcss , @ultraviclets , @musetories , @briingmetolifc , @heartvfire  !

♡◞  @pointlcss  !

                    alli  !  ♡  i  am  literally  so  happy  that  u  happened  upon  my  lil  1x1  post  a  couple  months  back  n  decided  to  mssg  me  abt  threading  bc  our  cute  lil  starstruck  plot  turned  into  a  friendship  that  i  am  soso  so  thankful  for  ?  there  is  not  anyone  that  i  wld  hav  rather  gone  thru  it  over  jungoo’s  long  hair  ,  tattoos  ,  n  haircut  w  .  that  one  pic  of  jjk  from  season’s  greetings  as  our  matching  discord  icons  . . .  stayin’  up  to  yell  abt  stray  kids’  n  txt’s  comebacks  . . .  i  literally  luv  this  for  us  ?  ur  soso  talented  n  making  gifsets  n  writing  ,  n  i’m  so  happy  i  cld  make  this  last  year  a  lil  bit  special  for  u  ,  bc  u’ve  made  this  year  such  a  special  n  pretty  one  for  me  too  !  i  can’t  wait  to  see  where  our  cute  lil  plot  n  ship  takes  n  i  hope  the  year  has  even  more  luvly  things  in  store  for  us  !  i  luv  n  adore  u  soso  so  much  .  u  rly  are  the  sweetest  soul  out  there  n  i’m  so  happy  to  consider  u  a  friend  !  also  thank  u  for  jus’  now  informing  me  abt  bts’  2020  tour  i  owe  u  my  lifeKSHDKJ  ♡

♡◞  @ultraviclets  !

                    ness  !  ♡  literally  . . .  the  luv  of  my  life  ,  perhaps  ?  i  remember  following  u  when  u  published  ur  first  theme  ,  bc  i  was  jus  like  .  wowow  wubbzy  ?  this  is  beautiful  n  free  n  i’m  broke  n  u  hav  my  heart  ?  n  u  know  ,  for  a  while  we  were  sort  of  will  they  ,  won’t  they  mutuals  ,  too  ,  which  was  cute  for  us  ,  but  i  think  we  actually  started  talking  when  we  were  both  in  abroad  ?  n  then  u  mssged  me  later  on  to  lmk  that  jjk  was  open  in  ur  rp  if  i  wanted  to  join  n  it  made  me  so  absolutely  soft  ???  like  .  ik  it  was  jus  a  lil  thing  but  u  captured  my  whole  HEART  in  that  moment  ?  n  now  ur  genuinely  sumone  that  i  trust  so  much  ,  like  .  the  other  day  when  u  let  me  rant  to  u  a  lil  bit  abt  smth  kinda  silly  ,  rly  ,  it  jus  meant  the  world  to  me  ?  n  u  mean  the  world  to  me  n  !!!  writing  w  u  is  absolutely  wonderful  always  n  our  current  ship  is  *chefs  kiss*  even  tho  i  hav  yet  to  reply  to  our  thread  again  BUT  !!!  i  will  do  it  ,  i  pinky  promise  ,  i’m  sorry  i’m  the  worst  .  u  deserve  the  whole  wide  world  .  ur  talented  beyond  belief  ,  ur  such  a  blessing  to  the  rpc  n  this  hellsite  as  a  whole  ,  n  i  adore  n  am  soso  so  thankful  for  our  luvly  lil  friendship  every  time  we  talk  .  u  truly  hav  made  this  icky  year  a  lot  less  icky  !  u  hav  my  whole  heart  !  ♡

♡◞  @musetories  !

                    sarah  !  ♡  u’ve  genuinely  been  one  of  my  best  friends  for  four  years  +  one  month  now  n  like  ?  wowow  wubbzy  ?  that’s  such  a  long  time  !  from  the  rp  that  shall  not  be  named  to  lit  rally  whatever  tf  we’re  doin  rn  .  u  were  the  first  person  i  ever  rly  shipped  w  on  this  hellsite  ,  even  tho  i  was  a  whole  babie  n  my  writing  was  godforsaken  at  the  time  .  n  now  we  lit  rally  hav  so  many  ships  up  our  sleeves  that  i  can’t  even  name  them  all  ,  but  i  luv  each  n  every  one  of  them  soso  so  much  ?  sum  of  them  are  so  iconic  that  they’re  jus’  eternal  now  (  we’re  rly  ALWAYS  on  our  eli  &  zazzy  bullshit  )  n  i  kind  of  adore  that  for  us  ?  we’ve  spent  so  many  our  jus’  stayin  up  into  the  night  /  morning  writing  novels  in  my  dms  ,  n  those  are  genuinely  sum  of  my  fondest  rp  memories  ?  we  don’t  rly  talk  quite  as  much  anymore  ,  but  that’s  okay  n  it  happens  !  we’ve  had  sum  ups  n  downs  ,  but  i’m  genuinely  soso  so  thankful  for  ur  friendship  these  last  four  years  n  here’s  to  four  more  heh  !  n  also  u  got  my  into  bts  so  i  owe  u  my  lifeKJSHKD  ♡

♡◞  @briingmetolifc  !

                    mozzie  !  ♡  wowow  wubbzy  ,  i  cld  genuinely  write  a  novel  abt  u  ?  we’ve  been  friends  for  practically  four  years  now  ,  too  ,  n  to  think  it  all  started  w  our  one  lil  ship  in  the  rp  that  shall  not  be  named  !  i  can  actually  n  genuinely  jus  talk  to  u  abt  anything  ?  whether  it  be  our  ships  ,  a  random  plot  i  wanna  write  ,  the  political  state  of  our  country  ,  how  fucked  ap  classes  are  ,  mister  jungoo  himself  ,  whatever  issues  i’m  having  w  sumone  that  i  need  to  get  off  my  chest  ---  there’s  literally  no  limit  or  bounds  to  what  we  can  talk  to  n  it’s  so  nice  ?  like  .  i  genuinely  trust  u  so  much  ?  u’ve  always  jus  kinda  been  That  Person  who  i  know  i  can  trust  w  anything  ,  who  i  never  felt  wld  judge  me  ?  like  i  can  jus  tell  u  anythin  ,  i  trust  u  so  much  .  ur  genuinely  one  of  my  best  friends  ,  even  when  ur  tryin  to  fight  my  babie  or  we’re  both  bein’  bratty  n  silent  treatmenting  each  other  or  ur  bein  a  stubborn  lil  babie  n  won’t  let  me  do  ur  theme  for  u  even  tho  !!!  i  luv  doing  ur  themes  !  but  it’s  okay  bc  u  hav  my  heart  ,  n  i  genuinely  ???  wld  be  such  a  different  person  w/o  u  in  my  life  for  the  past  four  years  i’m  sure  ?  n  also  ur  such  an  amazing  writer  ,  ur  muses  are  so  unique  n  ur  writing  is  so  fluid  n  ???  god  !!!  everythin  abt  u  is  smth  that  i  adore  .  pleathe  come  to  california  n  be  my  first  kissie  . . .  i  luv  u  !  ♡

♡◞  @heartvfire​  !

                    kacchan  !  ♡  oh  my  god  ???  where  in  the  world  do  i  even  BEGIN  ???  ur  genuinely  one  of  the  most  important  ppl  in  my  life  .  i  met  u  first  when  i  was  a  literal  fckin  babie  in  the  rp  that  shall  not  be  named  a  whole  four  years  ago  now  ,  n  like  .  we  didn’t  talk  a  ton  at  first  ,  but  u  were  never  weird  or  condescending  bc  i  was  young  ?  like  ,  we  eventually  did  start  talking  n  i’m  soso  like  ???  happy  that  we  got  close  ?  like  .  since  day  one  ,  i’ve  looked  up  to  ur  writing  n  u  as  a  person  ?  ur  characters  were  always  so  insanely  creative  and  unique  and  ur  writing  was  so  fluid  n  beautiful  n  just  ?  u  were  literal  goals  to  lil  14yr  old  kookoo  .  n  even  now  ,  whenever  i  do  a  reply  to  u  ,  i  will  literally  write  n  rewrite  it  five  times  over  before  posting  it  bc  i  want  to  make  sure  it’s  as  good  as  urs  is  !  like  !!!  god  ur  so  talented  !  n  like  .  especially  as  of  late  ,  we’ve  jus  gotten  super  close  ?  n  like  .  i’m  genuinely  so  happy  abt  it  ???  our  friendship  is  genuinely  a  WHOLE  blessing  in  my  life  ,  like  .  ik  i  can  talk  to  u  abt  anything  n  u  can  talk  to  me  abt  anything  n  we’ll  meet  eachother  w  the  same  amount  of  enthusiasm  ?  we  can  vent  to  each  other  n  completely  understand  n  empathise  n  talk  things  out  so  we  feel  better  n  it’s  jus  ???  we  jus’  get  each  other  ??  so  nice  .  thank  u  for  listening  to  me  when  i’m  anxious  or  sad  ,  n  for  not  thinkin  ill  of  me  when  i’m  bein  a  brat  ,  even  when  it’s  for  silly  reasons  ,  n  for  listenin  to  n  not  judging  me  when  i  talk  abt  jungoo  n  bts  ,  even  tho  i  talk  to  them  a  lot  n  ik  i  can  be  a  bit  much  sumtimes  .  like  ,  genuinely  ?  i’m  abt  to  start  crying  rn  ,  i’m  so  thankful  for  u  .  u’ve  helped  shape  me  so  much  as  a  person  .  helped  me  grow  as  a  writer  .  i  met  u  at  one  of  the  worst  n  most  important  ages  of  my  life  n  u’ve  impacted  my  life  such  an  insane  amount  ???  u’ve  always  been  the  first  person  to  talk  to  n  comfort  me  when  things  go  to  shit  n  i  truly  cannot  express  how  much  that  has  always  meant  to  me  .  i  genuinely  think  i  wld  be  a  bit  of  a  different  person  n  not  as  confident  in  my  writing  if  i  didn’t  hav  u  to  look  up  to  for  these  past  four  years  .  i  trust  u  so  much  n  i  luv  u  soso  so  much  !  n  i  am  going  to  reply  to  the  dm  u  sent  me  properly  ,  i  jus  need  2  formulate  my  thoughts  properly  first  ,  so  pleathe  hav  this  for  now  !  u  literally  hav  my  whole  HEART  !!!  ♡

[fanfictionlive]

Fanfictions and their writers are a blessing.

I already posted something recently on this subreddit, but I have so many good thoughts about fanfictions (and their writers) and I cannot help but want to share them with you. We all need positivity these days.

Fanfictions are truly a blessing. Like really. The writers are willingly spending hours to write chapters for their story, sometimes for months or even years, and on top of that.. THEY ARE DOING IT FOR FREE. Do you realize this ? Us, as readers, are getting free content of our favorite fandoms/characters/ships because kind writers are sharing with us their talent without asking anything in return.. or just a comment or like, which is totally understandable since feedback is the least we can do for them.

Like seriously.. do you imagine yourself not reading fanfictions right now ? Can you even remember the time of your life before you discovered fanfictions ? Because I don’t, and I don’t want to. I don’t want to imagine a world where I couldn’t be able to find incredibly talented people sharing the same interests as me and making me dream with their writing. I feel so blessed to be alive in a time where writers are offering me all the content in the world that I need, even when the actual movie/show/book is over.

So writers.. THANK YOU. No matter how bad you think you are or how much doubt you have in yourself, remember that you are giving to the readers such a wonderful time. You’re giving away hours of your life, sleepless nights, and thousands and thousands of words, just for the intent of sharing.

You are the best.

submitted by /u/020199 [link] [comments] from FanFiction: Where Magical Ponies battle Imperial Titans https://ift.tt/2Fn0Kxo

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: Unrequited

Next up, @infantbluee, @kallie-flower, @nori-wings and @thiefofblood (Souly on Discord) came to answer questions and spread the love for their Resbang, Unrequited! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: How did you guys come up with this idea? I remember you threw a ton of ideas around and settled on this one. Can you take us through the process? >:)

kallieflower: Oh god. We went through SO many different ideas. We wrote like what? 40k for our first idea before we scrapped that?

b l u e: Then like 30k for the next one that we also scrapped.

kallieflower: WE KEPT TRYING TO WRITE SHORT THINGS BUT IT DIDN’T WORK. Soma just does not work as shortfic.

b l u e: Even our final bang ended up being a 40k two-shot lmao.

Q: So what was it about this final idea that made u guys decide, YES, this is it???

kallieflower: The first idea was a Madoka Magica AU that exploded into a mess because magical girl worlds take a loooooottttt of work. The second fic also exploded into something big.

b l u e: We were going to stick with it though. We were. We had it all ready for check-in and everything. But then like two days before, kallie went, "okay so I love our fic idea and all but what about this." Me, on three hours of sleep: "I effing hate you." Then we stumbled through our first 3k and sent it to the mods like the gremlins we are.

kallieflower: We didn’t expect it to get so big either but c’est la vie. Chloe almost killed me like 48293783 times during the process but I think we managed alright.

b l u e: You're lucky I love you so much.

Q: Did you guys start writing straight from the beginning of the fic or did you write a specific scene first?

kallieflower: Actually we didn’t start from the beginning haha! Or well, our idea didn’t start from a plot. We just wanted to write Maka cursed. We wanted to write her with no inhibitions in love, like she might’ve been had she not been so hurt by her parents’ separation. And since there are witches in the SE universe, we had fun with that instead of making it an AU.

Q: Do you write linearly at all or did you jump around a lot?

b l u e: Surprisingly yes. Aside from my dream sequences.

kallieflower: Your dream sequences were our pit stops. We just had to actually do the writing to get there.

b l u e: Hahaha our writing process was.... Unique.

kallieflower: That’s one way to put it lmao.

nori-wings: It was a mess, but we love it.

b l u e: WE are a mess so it's just us in fic form.

kallieflower: God yeah. For one thing, this fic was like 90% chloe with me just making her do crazy things I wanted to happen.

nori-wings: And 5% of what the artists wanted to happen.

b l u e: YEAH hahaha that was kallie too tbh. She was like, "me as a witch would not understand anything about my magic at all and would curse people for kicks, so let's do that."

kallieflower: We would have a general plot of how we wanted to go and what points we wanted to hit. Chloe would start to write it, but then I would be like “WAIT WHAT ABOUT THIS.” And then she would pretend she thought I was a total nuisance but we all know she’s too soft and sweet to ever say no to anything. Also our artists were such a LOVELY help too.

b l u e: We wanted as much of their input as possible and we wanted to make this as much of a collab as we could. The train scene at the beginning of the third chapter was all nori because she was mad at us for only torturing Soul and wanted Maka to cry too.

Q: Nori/Souly did you have a favorite piece of art to make?

the monkey chain (soul): The skating scene was my fave. I also accidentally changed the part in the fic with the skating since I didn't ask what kind of skates they were supposed to be kfljgdf.

b l u e: LMAO it's our fault though!!!! We were Too Slow.

nori-wings: Black*Star dragging Soul and Maka is my favorite, it was super fun to draw.

b l u e: When you sent the first wip of that, I think I cried for days. It was better than my dreams. You were both so fast GOD, it takes me seventeen years just to sketch a pic.

kallieflower: For real tho. We don’t deserve artists.

nori-wings: They are exaggerating, it was a quick sketch that I made on a post it lol. It took me a week to draw it in digital.

the monkey chain (soul): I had free time since we moved and were without internet for a night so I had a ton of time to finish my pic.

Q: Did you have trouble meeting the deadline?

kallieflower: Trouble is putting it lightly lmao. We died. Many times.

b l u e: I don't trust fast writers. Clearly they are superhuman. It wouldn't have been hard if we didn't spend so much time drowning in memes and shitposts that we neglected to write.

kallieflower: I blame the internet.

Q: Were there any scenes that you guys really struggled with writing?

b l u e: The beginning, definitely. Everything else flowed out pretty quickly, but the beginning made us want to cry into our pillows and smash our keyboards.

kallieflower: I think there was a period of time where Chloe was like, “I will physically pay you money to write this scene so I don’t have to.” But yeah, the beginning scenes were definitely hardest to write. I think we rewrote them like a million times.

Q: Nori and Souly, was there a part of your art that was trickier to do?

nori-wings: I think painting Soul and Maka's kiss, because I wanted to use as few colors as possible and I played a lot with shading, or at least I tried haha.

the monkey chain (soul): Uhhhh not really for me? My pieces were relatively simple and probably the most issue I had was drawing Maka's skates and figuring out what Soul would be wearing.

b l u e: I cried when we got paired with souly.

kallieflower: Chloe literally fangirled to hell over getting souly as our second artist. And we were very lucky to get nori as our artist too because we already became really close friends through the zine and talked all the time. Our resbang just gave us an excuse to move all our blabber to a personal server lmao.

nori-wings: Yeah, they asked me to be something like a beta but I ended up being their artist.

kallieflower: We joked about it beforehand too and were SO happy it happened. We were so blessed with support and love this year. We never would’ve finished without the help of our artists and betas.

nori-wings: They are making it sound nice, but we wouldn't let them drop out.

kallieflower: LMFAOOOOOO. Nori likes to be sassy but she’s one of the softest of us all

b l u e: We legitimately would've dropped out if not for our artists.

kallieflower: “Do it for our artists” was our mantra through the whole process when we wanted to quit. Peer pressure makes diamonds, maybe.

b l u e: I mean, it didn't feel like that when we were bullshitting our way through our next 5k before each deadline, but it be like that sometimes.

Q: What was your favourite scene to write?

b l u e: My favorite to write was definitely the nightmare demon scene.

kallieflower: Because she’s a sadist and likes angst. Chloe likes to make people feel pain so her favorite scenes were definitely the angsty ones.

b l u e: FDSJFKDSF

Q: For errbody: what do you feel like you improved/grew in this resbang, writing and arting-wise??

kallieflower: For me, I definitely grew in writing skills even though I didn’t end up writing much of this bang (chloe, bless your soul for carrying me this year lmao) because chloe is SO GOOD at writing that it made me want to be better, learn better, do better.

b l u e: Kallie made me work harder than I ever have my entire life and it paid off SO MUCH. I very much only ever write ventfics.

the monkey chain (soul): I feel like I Peaked with Maka's outfit in the skating picture, like I don't pride myself in outfit design much these days but Maka's outfit came out so good. I didn't expect it.

Q: Were there any parts of Unrequited that really pushed you out of your comfort zone?

b l u e: Writing with someone else was such an experience.

kallieflower: We definitely had to compromise a lot in terms of writing. Like I wanted Soul to walk in on Kid touching Maka’s scar and Chloe immediately said “fine, but only if we make Kid a gardener” and if that isn’t a super fair trade off, idk what is. Chloe and I work so well together so that was easy. And we like a lot of the same things.

b l u e: There was a little adjustment [with adapting to different writing styles] but not much, because despite what kallie says, she's actually so freaking smart and talented it actually makes my eyes water.

Q: If you had the time to do something differently, what would you do and why?

b l u e: Everything. Jk no but really. There's just a lot I wish we could've elaborated on. And more suffering to be had of course. I just wish we had more time to elaborate on Spirit and Maka's mom.

kallieflower: Oh god yeah. Maka did not get enough of a backstory in the manga or anime and that makes me sad always.

Q: What made you both decide on the outcome of the curse? Did the witch know how it was going to affect Kid?

b l u e: We actually knew the outcome from the very beginning when we decided what kind of curse it was.

Q: Okay SO one last question for the crew. What is next!!!! >:)

nori-wings: Next collab is me writing and Chloe as my artist. (She just doesn't know it.)

b l u e: FDHDJFKSDDSF

kallieflower: OMG PLS HAHAHA. I’d be all over that collab. Chloe is working on a soma longfic she won’t let me beta because she’s Secretive. And I am trying to work up the energy to use my keyboard again after the hell that was finishing Resbang.

Thanks to the crew for stopping by! Stay tuned for more transcripts!

[nerdysakura]

Long post ahead, trigger warning.

I don’t even know where to start. I woke up this morning to my friends’ phone call. She called to ask me if I was ok. I didn’t know the news yet. I said yes, and asked why. She said there was news . . . that Jonghyun committed suicide.I froze. I asked, are you sure? I asked if it was the right Jonghyun, knowing there are many celebrities named Jonghyun. But it couldn’t be my Jonghyun, he was just at his concert not too long ago, receiving all the love he deserves from the fans who have attended.  Not my kindhearted, caring, sensitive, beautiful Jonghyun. Not Jonghyun brought so many laughs, tears, joy, and love to our world. Who made us feel like we mattered. I was in denial, already. She said no, it was SHINee’s Jonghyun, that it was all over Twitter. I felt cold. I told her I’d call her back while I confirmed, my mind already in denial, my heart already praying that it wasn’t him, or that if it was, for him to still be alive, for the doctors to be treating him at that moment and save him. I check here on Tumblr first, but all I saw were condolences. I didn't want condolences, I wanted a confirmation. My hands were already shaking as I closed off Tumblr and checked Twitter instead. I got a confirmation, but not the one I wanted. The news was still coming out. Little was known, other than what the police statements, the text to his sister. SM hadn’t confirmed anything yet at that point. What little hope I read that he was still alive, in the emergency room or something, I held on to, but I was already crying. Crying so so much. I texted my friend, and said thank you for letting me know, but still wanted confirmation from SM, I knew deep down it would be the same as the police statements, but I still didn’t want to believe it. I went to take a shower to cool down, but I spent the first five minutes letting the water wash away my tears, but I knew it wasn’t doing any good. I prayed so hard that it wasn’t him, that it was a mislead, my heart still feels like it’s being cut out every time I think of him, every time my eyes get clouded with tears. My muscles quickly became weak. 

I went through so many emotions in that time with the water. Hurt, grief, anger, frustration. I remember thinking, how. How could you do this? How could you do this right before SHINee’s 10th Anniversary? I was so sure 2018, would be SHINee’s Year. A repeat of what 2013 was, with OT5 together again and slaying with every song coming out. I was so looking forward to next year with OT5 showing everyone what a bond as strong as SHINee’s can do. I thought back to the promises he made to be with Shawols, with SHINee until the end. To still be together even 80 years from now. And I instantly felt guilty. And that anger and frustration did a u-turn turned towards me. Because I knew, as his fan, as a Shawol, that he was hurting. I cried to his songs when I needed healing so many times because I could understand his pain, I could feel it in his voice. And I wished, I could have done more. I wished I could have left MORE comments on his twitter, Instagram, ANYWHERE he would see that he was loved, that he was supported, that he was wanted. I wished I could have got to know him enough to be friends with him, to tell him the words he wanted to hear so badly, to reassure him of this life worth living. To live for himself, that I noticed him, his pain, his loneliness, and that he was not alone. Wished that I could have helped him, somehow so he could still be with us. I wished still, that somehow he was still alive to feel the mark he’s left on the world. But I couldn’t, and that hurt. All the love and support that I could give, that Shawols could give, that anyone who has ever had the chance to meet him and tell him what he’s done for them could have been enough. Enough to drive his demons away, to be his happiness. And it hurts so much knowing that it wasn’t, and I’m so sorry.

Even now, I still feel helpless. I knew my mom wouldn’t understand how much it hurts to lose him, understand to concept of even loving someone who doesn’t know me personally or that I’ve never talked to, and I was right. She found me crying silently in the bathroom that morning. I told her what happened and she told me to stop crying, to stop hurting, to pray God forgives him, to stop suffering, that everything happens for a reason and to put a candle out for you. But I couldn’t. I had to let my feelings out, to cry alone or in front of a mirror like he said to do when I am feeling hurt or lonely. I took those kinds of things he said to heart because he knew, he knew how it felt to feel lonely every day, to yearn for love, even though he had millions of people who love him, to feel just so utterly broken. I did light a candle for him. No, I lit five candles, because SHINee will always, always be Five. My older sister, who knows how much I love Jonghyun, who loves got to love him herself and saw his heart and him as a person as well, hugged me after my mom left me to mourn again in the bathroom. She hugged me, and I broke down. I thought back to the time when we had a family meeting with our brother who came to visit after years of not being able to see each other. She opened up more about her depression then, more so our eldest sister would understand how deep her own depression. At the end, I told our family, I never push her into getting her license to drive or push her in general to something she doesn’t feel ready for because I don’t want a dark thought to appear as she’s driving and she be gone in a blink of an eye. It was an emotional night, but I never really spoke out myself about it. But now, I feel like I should.

I don’t know for sure if I have depression, but there are many days when I feel empty, or lonely, or just know the world doesn’t care about me or wouldn’t even care if I had somehow left it. But I could never find it in me to leave this world, mostly because I’m so scared fo death itself. I don’t know if it makes me a coward or not. But I found happiness or at least something that makes me happy, and that will always be SHINee. Although I haven’t been with them since the beginning, the years I have, they really pulled me out from a dark place.I had a really hard time in 2014, I almost gave in, but then, Jonghyun released “End of a Day” and I cried so hard, not having even read the lyrics yet, I could feel the song’s meaning in his voice and I understood. With that one song, he gave me so much strength to keep going. To keep fighting. That I wasn’t alone. I’m never one to express myself, I’m used to keeping things bottled up inside. I don’t even know how to write this but, I never told anyone how I’m feeling because I feel like my hardships aren’t valid. I know how hard my sister’s depression gets on her, so I feel like, I have no right to feel the same when she’s suffering more than I am. I made that comment during that family meeting because . . . I’ve thought of doing it myself.  Not against another car, I would never want to jeopardize an innocent life just because I don’t feel like living anymore. But against a railing, if I go fast enough, I wondered if it would be quick. But I’m a coward, I’m scared of death, but still, I don’t believe life gone would make a difference. Knowing my sister and mom depend on me, even if it’s only financially is what keeps me going. But loving Jonghyun, supporting him, and SHINee makes me happy. His voice, his heart, his lyrics, all the advice he gave on Blue Night Radio helped me through so much. I just wish he could hear the power his own words had and reflected it back to him. My friends, who know how deeply I love Jonghyun and SHINee sent their condolences to me today, said they’re here to support me. I’m grateful, but I’m not the one who deserves those words. Jonghyun is. He’s suffered and dealt with so much, he needs those words, not me.  In short, here’s my letter to Jonghyun.

Dear, Jonghyun

I’m sorry, first of all. I wish I could have done more for you. I wish I could have helped you like you helped me. You are not just a talented vocalist, but a talented writer as well. Your words had more of an impact than you could ever know. You are a beautiful person inside and out, and I noticed you, not just as SHINee’s Jonghyun, but as Kim Jonghyun. Jonghyun, who is sensitive, funny, talented, kind-hearted, hard-working, dedicated, who has the biggest heart of anyone I had the pleasure of knowing, but who also hurt the most. Thank you for the laughter, the memories, the dedication to your music it really is an art, the immense amount of love and support you gave to Shawols, your members, family, colleagues, everyone in general. Thank you for always staying true to you, I hope you understand that you were accepted and loved because of who you are, not because of what we see onstage. Thank you for standing up for what you believe is right, your heart loved so deep, I’m sorry I couldn’t do more to stop the pain in it. Your legacy and songs will love on, we’ll make sure of that. I love you so so so much. And I will miss you every day that I live. You who shine so bright will always be the brightest star in SHINee World. I hope you are no longer hurting, I hope you are finally happy. You’ve worked hard, so hard, Thank you. I can never thank you enough for all you’ve done with your time here with us. Your existence alone was a true blessing. You did well, you truly did. 

Please, be happy

[yulicechan]

These past two months have been wild but a complete blessing. To my followers, new and old. Thank you so much for continuing to support my art! <3 You guys are the reason I’m motivated to keep drawing everyday ^_^ Thank you to the skk discord server, for making me laugh and filling my days with such warmth and kindness. I love you all so, so much.  I will continue to work hard for you guys!  がんばります~ (Individual shoutouts below the cut)

Individual shoutouts! Time to scream my love at you guys. This is going to be super long please bear with me... (In no particular order - I’m just following the spreadsheet -) @kyzurya - Kyzu, my precious midnight snack child. How many times have we sent you to French Pun Kitchen already? I wonder why. Also known as: stop taking incriminating screenshots of my conversations and calling me 12  >:(  Your drawings are amazing, especially Yasu-senpai <3!! and your chibis too, so adorable.  @adargo - Cat, my amazing writer and league senpai with the beautiful hair fur (I would kill to see your full Chuuya cosplay) Ahh I can’t wait to read your next fics *excited flailing*. Thank you for listening to me thirst over Fyo and rant about random things. I know we haven’t been playing as much but I’ll try to make more time in the future so we can traverse the depths of EU hell together XD Ophelia - We don’t really talk often, but thank you for being such a wonderful server mom and asking how we are and taking the time to help us with our troubles. You the real MVP ^_^ @ryethe - Emmi... I still can’t believe that I started talking to you. My goodness I’ve admired you for the longest time and and you’re so talented and sweet and omg your existence is a blessing. I really look forward to meeting you at a convention someday!! <3 @kurapls - Kura. My goodness. Do you have any idea how glad I am that I sent you that first message to talk to you about Ruination? AHHHH thank you for spoiling me with all your beautiful writing and oneshots. I don’t think I’ve been inspired as much by anyone as I have by you. Seeing your progress with your drawings, it won’t be long before you take over the world with your art and fics. Please continue to shower us with death and destruction and smut your talents <3 @mostladylikeladythateverladied - Hi Lady! We haven’t talked much but I just wanted to say that to this day, I still read that small oneshot you wrote for my art and scream to myself because it’s so perfect. As are the rest of your fics. Thank you again! @atarix - Anna!! Japanese senpai!!!! Also the only pure child of mine!! Thank you for helping me with translations all the time, you’re a real savior.  ;-; Ahh I’m quite concerned for your health atm, please take care of yourself and feel better >_< And good luck on all the events that are coming up for you! がんばって！ @miss-intention - Weng Qi, you literal prodigy. Your art and coloring never fails to amaze me. Thanks for being my chingchong squad companion and screaming about dead Break Pandora Hearts AU with me. May you be blessed with more beheadings in the future. @cinnamondazai - Albel, my lovely fyoya companion~ Thank you for spoiling me with your fics. I can’t wait to see more of your writing! By the way, please don’t think I would ever be bothered by you, I am always happy to talk to you ^_^ @onikushita - Oni! I saw you finally got a drawing tablet! I’m super excited to see what you’ll make in the future :D @ask-fancy-hat-chuuya - CHeeeeeeeeeeese my cute chibi drawing senpai~~~ Ahhhh I’m so excited to hopefully meet you next year, fingers crossed. Please continue to make cute art that I can rub all over my face and scream at <3 @myboynagito - WAIFUUUUU *launches myself at you* I’m so freaking happy I met you, you have no idea omgasldfjajewjfal Thank you for betaing my drawings all the time and ahhhh I love your art so much. I can’t wait to see Kouyou tarot!!! One day I’ll expand my French vocab to include more than 2 words so I can properly seduce you in French ;) I love you!!! <3333 @tykilavi - Ju, you’re so sweet and omg I wasn’t able to stay on your stream the whole time but I’m sure your drawing was beautiful just like everything else I’ve seen :) Please stream more! I’d love to watch hehe @arcticzuko - Vines, I will always remember and love you for that quote LOL <3 @curiouscat99 - Cat, owner of the angst chat, thank you for your angsty and inspiring theories. I know I can always count on you if I need a good dose of the Sads. Please have mercy on our poor hearts and on Chuuya and Dazai XD @insoukokuhell - Dianaaaa <33 I’ll always appreciate your memes and your selfies (you are very cute btw no matter how much u try to deny it :P)  @kiimone - Ami! I’ve always believed the people who can both write and draw are the coolest type of people. And you definitely fit into that category omg I love your art style so much. p.s. Thanks for being a good parent to Borb and thanks for letting me have her on Wednesdays :P  @soukoku-writes - Borb, *swallows all the insults that are just coming to mind* *ahem*. Borb, what happened you used to be so sweet and call me Satan senpai and you were so cute and WHAT HAPPENED OMG how could my parenting have gone so wrong. Lol but in all seriousness, thank you for providing your quality memes and insults, I know that I’ll always laugh my ass off when you and waifu are yelling at each other. And also, your writing is so advanced for your age. I know I give you shit for never finishing anything, but honestly, please take all the time you need lol. Good work isn’t rushed, and just know that I’ll love reading anything you write, WIP or not. Love you, biscuitshingle <3 @chvvva - Nics, I know I’ve told you this countless times already but your writing is pure art and it’s extremely fascinating to see you tie these words up so eloquently. I look forward to seeing more of your works! <3 @ch-ch-ch-chuuya - Rose, you angst queen. I’ll never forget the night I rolled around in my bed silently screaming at 2 am after reading your Kiznaiver AU. I’m sooo excited for your current work as well AHHH and I see you posting previews in the fic channel all the time and all the positive feedback so I’m sure it’ll be amazing. I usually don’t read previews if I know it’s going to be published in full on Ao3, but I can’t wait to read the whole thing ^_^ Please kill me with the feels.  @onelovelysin - Your art is so good. SO GOOD. Please teach me your ways. And you have a whole webcomic and you draw so fast and LWKEFJASLKDJAS senpai please continue to bless us with your talent <3 @star-tear - celestial NACLH2O, aksdj you’re so sweet and nice and you need to draw more often omg I loved your camellia drawing so much!! Thank you for continuing to love me even though I’m NoLongerPure(tm) @carlynagisa - Carly, ahh your fics are absolutely amazing and your cosplays too I fangirl so much whenever I see your new content :D @rosengoddess - Brina, thank you for writing me fyoya all the time ahh <3 I love reading your tiny writing snippets on twitter ^_^ Kami - please continue to supply us with your cute Poe drawings and Chuuya memes and omg just your drawings in general are amazing. And thank you for streaming it’s always super enjoyable to watch :) @karmajestic-kuroo - Kuroooo I LOVE YOUR FICS SO MUCH DO U HAVE ANY IDEA like I usually don’t search out authors and message them unless they really leave an impact on me but I seem to do that all the time for your fics which just says how much I love them. I get so happy whenever I see new fics from you on ao3, please continue to bless us with your writing!  *stretches* finally done Thank you everyone for talking to me and being my friend and inspiring me everyday. I love you guys <333333