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abyssmalice · 1 year ago

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// 4.2 story genshin spoilers

(alright everyone...................... time for my story Thonkies)

(so overall: it was a p good story, i feel like it wrapped up fontaine's overall story well enough.

emphasis on "well enough" bc i do feel like some parts of it were very, uh, how do i put it. "bullshitty" is a harsh word but there were def moments, especially when it was dropping exposition, that felt like the writers were kinda just pulling things out of their ass in order to explain things and therefore come up with a solution to conclude everything. in the vein of "X thing exists!! we're just telling you it exists Now, like 5 mins into the finale, without almost zero buildup to it" sort of vibe.

at least, i think i need to go over the prophecy and the heavenly principles stuff with a fine-toothed comb again later........ because the exposition on that felt very "just take us at our word for it" like when you think about it, How does the heavenly principles actually enact the prophecy? especially when the story outright throws a "the root of the prophecy's effects is the whale"?? the implication is that the prophecy and all it entails is "fated", and thus, it's not that the heavens literally orchestrated the whale and stuff (well unless they want to prove me wrong on that in the next couple of AQs) - but that they have the ability to manipulate or enforce "fate". the "law" of the world and all that bs essentially. and fontaine's fate was meant to be that prophecy, leaving the finer details up to whatever actually happens.

BUT THIS STILL TAKES A BIT OF THINKING TO FIGURE OUT AND ALSO KINDA FEELS WEIRDLY OUT OF NOWHERE AND ITS LIKE, AS A WRITER I THINK IT'S COOL BUT ALSO GOD DAMN DID IT FEEL LIKE IT CAME OUT OF JUST NOWHERE-

anyway, this isn't to say the AQ was bad. no, i honestly think it was really good, i genuinely liked it, even if i feel like the execution of some parts was. weird. essentially lmao

ANYWAY THATS MY ONLY REAL MAJOR GRIPE, LET ME GET INTO THE STUFF I ENJOYED THE HELL OUT OF:

aka fuwina........... ;A;

like ok girl, you win, ill roll for you. i am so fucking rolling for you once i have the primos-

the entire "acting" scene by scene.......... oh my god, it was so good, you really feel for her. i was utterly bawling my eyes out the entire time, personally. also idk about the other languages, but jp furina takes the fucking cake for me - all of her dialogue where she isn't putting up a front is voiced so softly, almost childishly—it really hammers in the point that furina really was, as focalors put it, "naive and inexperienced as my first day as a human" when first created - she was split into existence and purposefully left clueless on some knowledge (like focalors' plan for the prophecy) and lacking in any magical powers that could be considered godlike, hence human, and not-all-knowing or all-powerful as a god. a true human, a newborn young human.

in essence, a child thrust into the role of acting as something more than that, with dire consequences if that role was not played to perfection, with seemingly no end; any normal person would be crumbling under such weight, and furina more so as someone who, in the context of her own situation, didn't even know what the "plan" entailed besides what focalors' said - all she had was pure turned desperate belief that it would turn out okay because the other-her said so.

(i can already hear tonitoni awkwardly trying to share a juice box in the back of my brain.............. something something the solidarity of young girls thrust into positions of power without quite knowing what they were getting into years down the line but they knew there was something on the line and they would do what they can for those they loved and a god looked upon them and said, follow what i say, and everything will be well-)

anyway i havent played furina's story quest yet so thats all the fuwina thonks i have, but i sure hope it doesnt make me bawl again........

my other big thonks def have to do with the whale and the events around it (of course they do, what kinda blog is this again? tonitoni blog? yes and no)

i think the fight was pretty cool, tho i want to know why the actual hell we fought. that thing. inside the whale. besides the rule of cool factor. like is there a reason that was in there in the first place?? also why do some of its aoe attacks look like vishaps are trying to attack you.................... hey, what's going on here man......................

also the way skirk tosses not just choldee but also the whale into an abyssal-looking crack. like, ill get to childe in a second, but let me focus on how she actually just sucks the whale into a suspiciously quantum-looking ball before tossing it aside. (please tell me we're getting a quantum element. bc. maybe. that. that means. i-imaginary element.................. PLEASE I WANT TO GIVE MY TONIS AN EXCUSE TO SECRETLY HAVE EITHER QUANTUM OR IMAGINARY AS ONE OF THEIR ELEMENTS PLEAAAAAAASE-)

and skirk herself is still a pretty mysterious character, despite all the lore dumping she did. p much the only primary things strictly related to her character is that: 1) she has her own greater-scope master 2) is very much strength-focused (300 million swings........... yeah, i see where childe gets it now), 3) and bc of said views on the strong and the weak, she will only consider others her equal (and therefore, humor them at all) if they display truly exceptional strength (see: "without using powers from beyond this world")

(this also makes me think skirk would not even bother to blink at smol toni, but may in fact consider tol toni at least somewhat "an equal" due to that toni surviving millennia in the abyss due to a mixture of insanely stubborn determination + her actual elemental powers come purely from the leylines/irminsul and nothing else, so any honed skill is both technique and teyvat-related power. thooooo, considering the lore also says that the primordial one created the human realm and its leylines (which should implicate the irminsul too, considering it's also found in the abyss aka beyond the world itself??), well....... god fucking knows on that one really.

FUCK I WISH THE LORE ON LEYLINES AND IRMINSUL WASNT SO MESSED UP IN LOGIC!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS MESSING ME UP AS SOMEONE WHOSE MUSES' LORE RELIES ON THIS!!!!!!!)

anyway, i really want to know the logic behind her just. throwing childe. into the hole along with mr whale in a ball. im guessing, the implication is that it's just like, a random abyssal portal that will presumably spit out the whale into an abyssal garbage dump while childe will be sent somewhere he can be retrieved (and taken back to snezhnaya, thank god, tonitoni would never let him hear the end of it if her brother got thrown into ANOTHER unreachable destination after two AQs of being thrown into jail and then into a sealed sea).

still a weird jarring moment though, i agree with everyone on that........... really weird.

BUT HEY, AT LEAST WE HAVE WORD FOR WORD DIALOGUE SAYING CHILDE IS SUPER STRONG AND FOUGHT THAT STUPID WHALE FOR AGES ESSENTIALLY, i want no more complaints on how strong and cool he is (i am saying this bc toni will never say it but i know she'd want to say it but would hate saying it so im saying it for her)

there's some more stuff i wanna say, esp re: the third descender and the gnosis stuff, + some extra thonkies about "fate" esp in the context of my tonitonis. and with the fontaine AQ wrapped up here, i can probs start to safely figure out the full fontaine timeline for smol toni - but ill leave all that in a separate thonkie post)

#ooc | (written and loved and forgotten);#genshin spoilers #(this got. very. very long. rip lmao)#(also utterly incoherent)

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thegenderfucker · 2 years ago

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"Bibi's autism being axed from Bad Sisters makes zero fucking sense thematically" part I lost count: comparison with Ursula

TL;DR of my previous rants: Bibi is autistic in Clan, the series Bad Sisters is based on. Her fundamental desire is one for normalcy and stability. She finds this in her family and at home where she gets to be Just a Wife and Just a Mother instead of "that one-eyed autistic". This also means that her motivation for wanting to kill JP is more than just losing an eye, it's the fact that losing an eye makes her visibly different and opens her up to constant othering by outsiders, which parallels the othering she experiences due to being autistic (which she Does Not Like™).

how it connects with Ursula: in Bad Sisters even more than in Clan, Ursula's house is a hot fucking mess. She's lost herself in raising her kids and the household. Her affair with Ben is an escape from all of that. With Ben she is divorced from her responsibilities and her role as a wife and mother—you can see where this is going.

In Clan, Bibi and Ursula have opposing desires; Bibi longs for (and achieves) a mundane sort of homelife, while the same thing is suffocating for Ursula. Bibi's family and home are refuges from the outside world where she is constantly seen as different (whether that be due to the eye thing or due to being autistic) whereas Ursula flees from her home and family into the escapist arms of Ben.

Bibi and Ursula bicker far more in Bad Sisters, especially about the affair—which makes so much more sense if you consider that Bibi sees Ursula risk everything (kids, spouse, stable home life) that she herself desires. Bibi has to fight to prove that she can parent with those classes whereas that's a sort of given for Ursula and yet she's risking throwing all of that away for a fling. If they'd kept Bibi autistic that would have worked so well next to her being lesbian because both are parallel tracks to her desire of being Just a Wife and Just a Mom (albeit for different reasons).

in short:

(for clarity's sake I'm just using the names from Bad Sisters for the characters in Clan as well. They do have slightly different names but it's going to get too complicated otherwise)

#bad sisters #bibi garvey #ursula garvey #my post #clan

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fujimiiiya · 2 months ago

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hello! on bsky i saw your post about baeli. although yes they engaged with leaks, they deactivated because they were being bullied and harassed for their fan theories which in itself were harmless even though i don’t approve of using leaks for such. they were called a bitch, given death threats and laughed at. so they left.

Yes, I pointed out that she shouldn't use official tag to imply that she and her mass followers are reading leaks. Afaik she didn't just read but also spread leaks and her account have big followers. So using jjk official tag to mention that, during period where the official tag is in highlight due to the last chapter is definitely tactless imo bcs posts with huge number of rp and likes will easily get sorted on top. The least those who engage with leaks can do, to have even the slightest respect left for the manga and the people who work hard to bring them to public, is to not use official tag for posts relating to it. I'm pretty sure that is a general concensus in any fandom, so it's baffling to see someone who seems experienced in fandoms to not know that... still it's so hard to prevent leaks outside JP, it's as if only the JP see that as illegal while the majority of overseas ppl normalize them, even though it's a legitimate crime for copyrighted works.

I don't know abt her acc being deactivated. I couldn't care less abt her or any leakers, nor do I care abt her theories. I see that as a fan's way of coping so whatever, that's not my concern. But yes, using leaks to post about that is wrong. Definitely wrong. I just recently knew abt that acc as well and her one post with official tag was so disturbing not only bcs of the implied leaks but also how she talked down abt Gege and bringing the JP to attention as if it's the majority voice despite that is not the case. What is that called? Misleading fact i guess, while using official jjk tag. There is a much wiser way to do it.

Still, people should not throw around death threats or insults carelessly, no matter what. But sadly, isn't that the reality in today's world social media? Ppl hide behind anonimity in socmed so they think they can be obnoxious to others and get away with it. Though, I've also seen a lot of her older posts also aggresively being rude and insulted Gege, myb in a joking manner like many others do idk, but still insults anyway. And that one praying meme she made saying to put all yuji's and world's misery and give it to Gege, which gone viral. Despite haters always think Gege will nvr found out the amount of hate and insults worldwide subjected to him about their manga, GG is still a real person behind that avatar. Perhaps, receiving hates is karma in playing for her. This is why, even behind anonimity of social media we still should mind our attitude in public posts, to not be rude and conciously spread animosity abt a real person who is just trying to create a work, even if it's meant to be a joke.

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otakween · 4 months ago

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Head Start at Birth - Chapters 1-10

This one popped up on MAL suddenly because the JP title begins with a "0." Always excited to read/watch something new for a change, but this looks kinda bottom tier. Not only is it an incredibly generic plot, but its adaptation is a short episodes anime 😬

ALSO, this manga is being sold in the west as chapters and in the Webtoon style? I'm old school and kinda hate this. Why can't I just buy volumes?

Ch. 1

Oof this is so generic. I'm trying to give it a chance but the cliches are too much. The art is...fine but not very memorable. At least it's in color.

The mom got over her 3 year old making land management recommendations waaaay too quickly.

>_> Is that much older looking dude the love interest? I'm gonna throw up.

Lilia was 30 when she got isekai'd so I guess I'm supposed to be the target audience here? I feel like if I was in her position I wouldn't be like "YEAH, LET'S LEVEL UP!" I'd be like "YEAH! A CHANCE TO BE A KID AGAIN AND GOOF OFF!"

I feel like they vaguely implied that the mom is an evil capitalist (monarchist?) since she won't give people tax relief. That could be something interesting to explore...

Ch. 2

Reslar (the dragon) sounds suspiciously close to Rizzler lol

They introduce 3 age appropriate boys and then she immediately falls for the older guy. I get that she has the mind of a 30 year old but it's still weird. They'll probably go the "he waits until she's older" route. Whatever -_-

I was pleased that Lilia's parents stayed on her side as she was slightly rude to the royals. Their loyalties are in the right place at least.

Why does every shoujo isekai gotta be fixated on otome games and villainesses? It's honestly so bizarre how keyword obsessed media is these days...

Ch. 3

Yeah so, this is a romance isekai where the MC is 5 and the love interest is 15 🙄 I get that it's kinda based on the olden days when engagements like that were normal due to political marriages, but still. We don't really need to be romanticizing this stuff nowadays, right? Especially when it's a fantasy world where everything's made up and the points don't matter. Oh well.

This situation reminds me of The Familiar of Zero when Louise had a much older fiancé. Although in that series I think it was kind of portrayed as a little creepy/unsettling. Wow never thought I'd be praising The Familiar of Zero as a more progressive option 😅

I do appreciate that the dad (Guy) is ride or die for his daughter, but the joke about him thinking she'd been raped was a little tasteless.

We have yet to see what the plot of this series is going to be. Is it going to follow the romance angle mainly or is it going to be more about Lilia's personal development?

Ch. 4

Lilia's mom looks a lot like she stepped out of Umineko no Naku Koro ni. It's probably just the cravat lol.

We learn about Elrich's tragic backstory (his parents were executed for treason). Unfortunately, it didn't really make him a more interesting character. I had hoped he'd have at least some sort of reaction to the engagement but he's pretty much just "bland perfect husbando" so far.

The sex fantasy was something I could have lived without. Straight to jail.

Hopefully we can get an Elrich chapter here and there to flesh him out. I don't care how much he looks like Lilia's fave otome game character.

Ch. 5

I was wary of the parents at first, but they seem to actually be really good parents? Also, Lilia's mom is super politically smart too (girl boss lol). I guess the doting dad thing is basically just a stock character, but if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Glad the spirits get to show some actually emotion for once (well, Reslar does anyways).

I do like that Lilia is more focused on her ambitions than Elrich. She just happens to also be really horny for Elrich lol (I'm sorry...that's how it's portrayed).

Ch. 6

Okay, I'm kinda getting into this >_> it's just shoujo isekai brain rot basically but the art is so cute and it's been a long time since I've read a manga in full color

Dressing in your fiancé's color is so romantic ;w; (although I guess people don't always have signature colors irl lol).

The dynamic between mom and Lilia both being badass boss babes gives me Yor/Anya vibes because of the ages haha.

That gothic look with the princess curls was serving (werk)

Ch. 7

Urgh my anime arch nemesis appears...head pats. I don't think they're cute at all, I think they're weird and demeaning. (Even if I was 5 years old I think I'd be like "get your hand off my head" lol). I still don't know if this is a thing Japanese people do IRL or not.

Lillia being instantly OP at everything she tries is pretty boring, this manga could use more conflict right about now.

Ch. 8

I like the princes' names (Isaac, Leonard, and Ferdinand). IDK if it would be better or worse if Lilia went for one of them instead. You can't win with rebirth scenarios lol

Ch. 9

Wtf, the spirits get ikemen versions? I can get on board with that actually. Some of my OCs are fantasy creatures with human versions actually...

"This is like having a sister" (file under: objectively weird things to say about your fiancé)

I can relate to Lilia's inability to relax. Productivity is fun to me 😅

Ch. 10

Still no ikemen Reslar, I'm surprised by the mangaka's restraint lol.

Wait how did people even learn about Lilia's dissertation? I thought they were keeping it on the down low.

The hedgehog spirit was cute. I'm glad they spared it lol

Lilia's spirits are just as OP as her of course -_- -yawn-

Well this was pretty forgettable, but it's a fluffy popcorn kinda read, so I'm not complaining. It's a bit unnerving having no idea how long a series will stretch to in these early stages. Hopefully this isn't a 100+ chapters one...

#head start from birth #manga #I'm pretty sure no one cares about this series but oh well #0-saiji start dash monogatari

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astralartefact · 5 months ago

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A collection of thoughts about the Dawntrail Launch Trailer as always I fail to be normal about this

I'm talking about the Sexy Robot, the White Lady and... yeah that's pretty much it.

if Solution 9 has nothing to do with the twelfth shard/lightning calamity then what are they doing putting references to lightning in the text of the trailer

Why are they so allergic to showing the Pictomancer Limit Break, no let's just show the mid Viper LB again.

I have a thought where the Area we fight the Eliminator is (not convinced Eliminator is a trial tbh - this might be a Ranjit Solo Fight Situation) - I think this is in the original Golden City (well, at least one of them. clearly there's more than one given tuliyollal is also one symbolically) and that hole in the ceiling also makes me think that that might be the holes in the new Solution 9 artwork and that Solution 9/Heritage Found were literally built on top of the Golden City, taking advantage of it or something?

Trial Fight on top of Solution 9! Trial Fight on top of Solution 9! Trial Fight on top of Solution 9! knew they would do it!!!

I wonder what creature/battle-able force this thing (the golden core looks very very Ancient btw) is going to release upon the world... and if it's the Second Trial or the Final Boss (no idea what it could be lol, i don't know FF6 nor 9)

Also, given it's prominently called a key I wonder what door it opens. Clearly not just Solution 9. I think it would be much more interesting to let that door open and let us look inside, maybe :) (bc if this is the second trial then maybe the final zone is the destroyed 12th and we learn that rejoinings leave traces or something) (and i don't care if that doesn't make sense in the lore, myths of the realm did break the lore worse for less pay-off)

i am so unnormal about her. i hope she's a ultimately good but misguided genocidal pure little lady. and i desperately need the community at large to hate her. also pls be voiced by azusa tadokoro so i can keep calling you marie nier reincarnation it could be her but i'm not sure

If the Eliminator really is her Gundam I'm going to throw up. God. Please give her the Sexy Gundam.

as for speculation on who she is - probably one of the three ascians we don't know yet and/or their 'shard' (i still want them to go deeper into what it does to a person to learn they're a shard and to have to live with that sort of agency-crushing legacy but looking at gaia just shrugging it off we will probably never get that)

i also really hope she's genuinely a 'good' ascian even if she's the antagonist, i think it's boring to think none of them could be reasonable and accept/get over the fact that their world is gone. it's been 12000 years. also keep in mind they rewrote deudalaphon's lore in the newest lore book for no good reason, they have never been called an architect before i would know that so they're probably going to show up somewhere too at some point.

Speaking of which, friendly reminder that the Raid is literally called Arcadia in JP and up until now everything that was called after a fictional Utopia (Amaurot, Eden) had to do with Ascians (also no i won't recognize that red thing in the raid artwork as an ascian sigil it looks nothing like the other ones)

Solution 9 giving people eternal life gave me one (1) fear. If this Expansion is about how dying is good actually and necessary for humans to [gestures to whatever Venat's whole thing and the Omicron quests were about] - I'm not going to froth at the mouth about it like how I'm doing it for Myths of the Realm (Fuck Eulogia), but I am going to roll my eyes at it. Like, can we stop romanticizing the limitations of the human race. I think it's honestly boring to arrive at the take 'Well, Humanity would be worse if we took away one of its limitations' - No, It would probably just be different and that's fine. Both would be fine. And like, who cares at this point. You talked about this three times already. Get new material.

Also, the German Dub was... pretty good??? At this point I'm watching it to avoid the English Dub (you people are weird, you like that???) but I'm surprised about how little I cringed about it! It's still a little bit stilted and stuff (like how Erenville's Narration does the thing where. he. speaks. every. single. word. on. its. own.) but I didn't mind it that much! Another Win for the German Localization!

#ffxiv #ff14 #dawntrail

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cantfightmoonlight · 2 years ago

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"Aww, look at you," Hande hummed, a laugh bubble out of her lips as she watched Dilan attempt to bite the finger she had just used to boop her baby sister's nose. "You're like a little Pomeranian, aren't you? Screeching and annoying, but cute in a sort of not housebroken kind of way, kind of like that dog your roommate has. What's its name again? Prada? JP? Something equally as stupid?" She mused as she took her sister's hand in hers so that she could break her wrist.

"Keep trying to escape, bebek kızkardeş. It only makes things more fun for me," She hummed out as kicked the leg of Dilan's chair out from under her so that she was now laying clear across her back. Hande's foot holding Dilan's chair in place as she leaned over to offer the pipsqueak a little wave. "You really never left grade school, did you? You've committed dozen of robberies, broke the law how many times over, and yet you actually still believe in good guys and bad guys? What the hell do you think that makes you?"

"Oh no!" Hande laid her hand across the back of her forehead as she raised her voices up a few octaves to a raspy and breathy mocking iteration of Dilan. "I don't deserve to pay for my crimes or be hunted down like some animal. I've only taken everything I've ever owned, may or may not be the reason why my real parents are dead and my fake parents are locked away in prison. No, I'm a nice girl who shoves people off stages and jeopardize the only sister I seem to care about's love life. Because oh yes. The world revolves around me. Dilan Selvi, good person."

"How's that for your shitty villain? Maybe I should chat with that Director of yours next. Steal you spot in the Spring show," She mused, rolling her eyes over at Dilan as she turned her back on the little one as she made her way over to Leyla who had been pleading this whole time for Hande to hurt her instead.

"Stop! You fucking bitch!” The veins in Leyla’s neck were practically throbbing as she pressed her wrists deeper into the iron cuffs. The faintest smell of burning began to fill the air, but Leyla hardly even flinched. The anger coursing through her veins was all consuming as she rambled off taunting profanity after profanity. Only none of it made any difference. No matter what she said, no matter how much a comment got under Hande’s skin, the hunter before her was dead set on hurting Dilan.

And then came the bargaining. “Please,” Leyla whimpered out, blinded by the curtain of tears running down the curves of her cheeks. “Please, for the love of god, hurt me. Let it be me. Please, okay? I’ll- I’ll do anything. Hurt me. Kill me, I don’t fucking care. Just please, stop. Please,” She begged the woman who held their lives in her hands and, as Hande pulled back from her sister, as a disturbingly twisted grin found its way across the hunter’s lips, a sigh of relief nearly broke from Leyla’s.

"Your wish is my command, dearest sister of mine," Hande sang out as she pierced the same dagger she had just used on Dilan into Leyla's thigh, dragging it along the other girl's scar as she ripped it open at the seams.

"Oh, would you look at that? Horribly misinformed again, aren't you? You see this is why they tell you stay in school. We are sisters. It's not a matter of want or need and me being here is simple a product of you and your town's own actions. So, if you're mad at the repercussions, you really only have your self to blame. But, you aren't capable of that, are you? I mean you act like it's my choice to be a hunter and you're not wrong, entirely anyway, but did you ever give me a reason not to be one? You want to talk about found family? They were the ones who took me in. Gave me a home, taught me how to defend myself. What did your entitled ass do besides throw a temper tantrum?"

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

All Dilan could remember is the balloon she’d thrown, then pain. The unbelievable pain that belonged to a knife that was currently reopening an old familiar wound right above her heart. Shooting awake with a scream, she could feel the iron burning her skin as she struggled against it, wanting to get away from the pain that she was feeling. Looking up at the face in front of her and she gave a scream that could rival a banshee until a hand was shoved over her mouth to keep her quiet while she stared at Hande in horror.

Blinking as she adjusted her vision to the dimly lit room around her, she hadn’t ever been down here, but she knew that this was Town Hall just by the godforsaken tacky ass floors and wallpaper that ran throughout this place. That’s when her eyes saw who was just past Hande, the horror she felt inside came screaming out. “Leyla!” Biting the hand over her mouth, she heard the person behind her curse.

“Fuck you!” Dilan spat towards Hande, she wanted nothing more than kill her right now. She’d spent so much of her life hoping that Hande would one day come around, but this, it was too far. Too much for any sort of redemption. Snapping her teeth together once more at Hande booping her nose as she tried to bite her. Figuring if she couldn’t get out of these chains it was the least she could do. Before she could in a bite she was dropped back to her feet with her rocking forwards against the chains. Giving a scream in pain at the fact her body was colliding with the iron, she couldn’t get away from it.

Gritting her teeth through the pain she felt at Hande shoving the knife down on her pinky, she gave a soft scream when she couldn’t hold it in anymore. “Are you really about to fucking villain monologue? What kind of a shitty villain are you?” Dilan asked with snarl, her voice full of venom. “You were in the middle of being the worst sister I’ve ever had the displeasure of dealing with.” Turning her head towards Leyla with a soft expression. “Leyla, I’m fine. I don’t care about me. I’m going to get you out of here.” She promised her older sister. She’d spent her life protecting Leyla and she wasn’t about to stop now, especially not for Hande.

“Fuck you. If you wanted sisters you could have them.” Dilan shot back. “You chose this. You always chose to be on the other side of the dagger that went into us. Don’t sit there and pretend to want a sister, when you could have had two.” Rocking forward in the chair as she went to try and get out of it so she could strangle Hande, but all she did was hit the chains and winch once more. At the mention of boyfriends she looked towards Leyla, knowing that if she didn’t get to her there was at least hope Ken would. “Oh how lovely for me.” Dilan remarked with an eye roll. “Oh you know just constantly spending my time running from my psychotic ass sister who wants to murder me.” Dilan replied sarcastically. “What about you Hande? Get a boyfriend or girlfriend? Or find a family who actually wants your pathetic ass?”

#dilan ft. leyla #c: leyla #hande is the worst I swear to god #tw violence #tw injury #tw blood #tw gore #tw kidnapping #she's purposely using Dilan's insecurities and loves against her and I hate her omg

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multamusae-archive-blog · 7 years ago

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grab bag sc. –– @chaordiic

“Do you think that dinosaurs like music?” Her words are soft, curious as she looks through a pamphlet about yet another zoo opening in the future. She feels badly for these creatures, recreated to just be gawked at. She’s never seen one, never wanted to. It felt wrong, somehow. “I like to think that they do. Something soft, like in a nice film soundtrack.”

#chaordiic #thread –– r. blue.#v: r. blue –– alternate.#i have basically no alt verses for riley set up.#so just sort of throwing her into the jp world!#she's basically the same. just not all sensate.

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butts-bouncing-on-the-beltway · 2 years ago

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Feel you big time on the wedding thing

For one thing like... why spend a small fortune on one day when you can take that money and try to use it to set yourself up for better days? If I am gonna blow a lot of money, why not use it on a honeymoon so we can have a nice trip together?

If I were to do it what I'd want is to either learn to make the rings, or hire and artisan to do it with lab grown gems. Same for the outfits, either learn to make something I'll like using another day, or hire an artisan to make it custom. Then do something in the backyard

Sure there's people who really wouldn't like that, but honestly we probably would be a bad romantic fit for each other

Like I said though it's like why stress, why spend a ton of money? Save that stuff to make the rest of your life together better. No need to peacock, the other people don't matter. Do something nice and fun for both of you, but keep it simple for your own sakes

That's my untested thoughts on this stuff

I think I share most of these thoughts!

When wifey and I got married, I had just graduated from college (literally like a month before) and she was just approaching a year at her first career-based employment (as opposed to seasonal temp work before that) so we really didn't have the ability to pay for a proper Jewish wedding, nor the time to DIY one. I wasn't on speaking terms with my family either so there was no support there financially, nor was there the ability to supply me with important cultural or heirloom items that would have helped bridge the gap between a state wedding and a spiritual one.

Wifey's family was so welcoming and provided everything they could to make our wedding beautiful, and just a few years later my BIL and his fiance who attended our wedding together held their own wedding in the same field behind his aunt's house with more food and guests and lots of little munchkins to keep their sons company on the big day. It was the best wedding her family could offer either couple, and no one was unhappy with that. I don't think either wedding cost the family as a whole more than $500, and that was still a lot for any of us given our incomes, so imagining a world where we spent more feels....hard somehow. What would we have done, taken out a loan?

I dunno. I see people agonizing over how to hold a wedding with "only" 200+ guests and just sort of....feel a little uncertain about what people thought of my wedding. Did they think it was sad we didn't have more guests? Did they think we were cheap for getting married in clothes we'd owned for years? Did they think our marriage wouldn't last because our promises weren't made before g-d? I dunno. I would have liked a wedding where I felt financially able to do the things that mattered to me. But I just have a hard time figuring out how two young people just starting out are supposed to manage that when the families don't come together to make it happen.

Personally, my hot take is that weddings should be thrown for the new family by a chosen trusted loved one. The soon-to-bes and their families come together to make a budget and then hand control over to the person the soon-to-bes trust to throw them a wedding, and they should have no further responsibilities.

I liked that about my wedding. All I had to do was find my JP and my cake, and my MIL and wifey's aunt took care of everything else for us. They would ask our opinion from time to time, but they arranged a wedding that we, as the newly weds, could simply attend and enjoy.

There are probably other ways to arrange that, and I'm sure it's at least some of the point of the wedding party members in a more typical wedding, but I still feel like in all the obsession of "having the perfect day" it stops being something that the people doing the getting married are meant to enjoy.

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scrawnytreedemon · 3 years ago

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Shit I’ve Been Winding Up For A Long Time Now But Am Very Aware Will Probably Hold No Relevance Should I Actually Go Into This More--

This is about Bhunivelze.

You know, when I was chilling out, on my bed, that evening on that half term in early June, deciding to check up on ClementJ64′s FF retrospective because-- Hey! It’s been awhile, I wonder if he’s got around to doing the final bit of the FFXIII saga --You know, I was there, chilling, just for a laff. Just a laff.

The rest of that week was spent spiralling into a hyperfixation I absolutely did not anticipate in any way, shape, or form, because the way they introduced that character was “wwhdhfjjhHJDFJKHKJHW H A T??”

That retrospective and a good amount of wiki-scrounging is all I have as a basis for this. This is not a coherent character analysis-- Though I might tag it as that for ease of access. This is not, by any means, the thoughts of someone deeply familiar with FFXIII on the whole beyond plot synopses and overarching themes.

I don’t think I’m brave enough for that.

Reading the vast yet surface-deep lore on those wiki pages on my birthday while in a delirious state of mind was enough to make me somewhat nauseous.

Do you think I’m going to go through all of that in real time?

(Someday, someday.)

Ugh, I don’t know how to begin, but let us, I guess. I’d recommend you read this church-mime-demiurge’s FF Wiki page if you want the same level of base-knowledge I had, and maybe the aformentioned retrospective if you want the experience, because I don’t think I have the wherewithal to get into all of that from the bottom-up.

I am also, so, so fucking sorry for any remaining FFXIII fans in advance. There is like, a good chance I may be butchering the characterisation completely, so bear with me here.

With that... we begin?

Where do we even start with this guy?

How on earth to you begin to explain the absolute monolith you’ve constructed from crumbs of a Guy, some material no doubt spliced in from the Pale King, Sephiroth, y o u r o w n G o d O C and other characters, and the mountains of religious trauma you carry around at all times that is probably the only reason you’ve been able to latch on as hard as you did?

I’m going to try.

What gets me, in summary, about Bhunivelze is how he’s a prime example of how love and concern can become deadly forces if in the wrong hands. His first acquainting with human emotion was by deceiving and possessing Hope, reverting his body to a teenage state, and planning to live among humanity through him. He sees human sorrow and suffering, and decides that, to End This(because it must be ended, you see) he’s going to destroy all the souls of the deceased that make up the Chaos that’s been eating this world for the past five-hundred years so they all forget and Are Happy. :).

Capital G God here hasn’t been present for the vast part of human history because he’s hidden himself away from Everything due to paranoia from killing his own mother and throwing her body into the Cosmic Basement, THEN creating the beings that would come to create humanity and OTHER beings because he didn’t have the keys to the cosmic basement. And also he believes death is a thing because she’d’ve somehow cursed all things to pass(including him) out of Spite.

Which explains why he’s so fucking averse to it and anything to do with it.

Bhunivelze, to put it lightly, is Shit at stepping into others’ shoes and Getting their experiences-- All the FalCie in FFXIII are, but him especially. It’s clear(again, in the f u c k i n g JP--) that he makes attempts to sympathise with them and does what he can to help, but it’s with such a loftiness and a complete inability to Understand why anyone would want grief, The Worst Fucking Experience In Existence, and even less why they’d be willing to Go Up Against Him And HisThe New Perfect World just for it-- And what would it matter, anyway, forgetting their loved ones. It’s not like you can grieve lost memories, right?

Right.

It reminds me of when at the end of the story of Job in the Bible, where, after putting this man through hell on earth, God rewards Job by giving him ten new children to make up for the ones that he lost. I. And that’s fucked! Nothing can replace the sheer uniqueness of each individual person you loved so dearly! But if you were a nigh-omnipotent deity high and mighty, with a cursory, almost mechanical knowledge on the functionings of the human psyche, that would seem adequete; enough.

Bhunivelze is doing that on a cosmic level.

I now want to get onto the romance: that being, his affections for Lightning. I don’t know how much I’m going to say, but it’ll probably be alot. It’s something that hits very close to home.

There is this... thing, within certain branches of Christianity, perhaps even in those of various Abrahamic faiths, where God’s love is posited to be the love-- The ultimate, most-fulfilling, all-encompassing love you could ever imagine --Because, well, he is love, so the story goes, and so often the best way to convey that is through the imagery of...

Marriage.

Giving up yourself so completely, to serve, to be the Bride; to be bound by him for all eternity; and for there to be no higher bliss than this.

This angle is pushed on young girls and women the most; from the mere parallels to the woman’s role in marriage, all the way down to downright-horrifying ultra-Evangelical purity pacts. With men, God is your dad, your best bud and confidant, your boss, your king, your this, your that, and the ‘marriage‘ as it were is relegated to a sort of half-thought; a metaphor.

For me, God was an attempt at all that, and my arranged groom.

(It was almost incestuous; was incestuous, that my own Divine Father would reach for my hand in marriage.)

Bhunivelze experiences Emotions™ for the first time through Hope, experiences Hope’s sheer overwhelming admiration for Lighting(whether there were any baby-crush feelings mixed in, I can’t say), and promptly falls into a nigh-romantic obsession with Lightning, deciding that she will be Etro(his all-but daughter)’s replacement, will be his Goddess of Death to-be-- He even calls her as such, before the final boss-battle--

...In the JP.

What happened in localisation, probably due to a number of factors, all the way back in early 2014, was that everything emotionally challenging about Bhunivelze was scraped off, like it was extra fat, and tossed aside, leaving us with the bland, clichéd shell of a foe-god we’ve seen time and time again. And I mean everything. I mean his very love for humanity; the fact his ploy was, in his eyes, to save them. Because if they’d left that all on, then it would raise the question of even if there was such a seemingly pure, all-knowing, loving being hell-bent on setting things “straight,“ would they truly be unquestionable? Would we have the right to fight for our humanity in the face of the Creator of the Universe?

To reject a love so personal?

That’s what gets me about FFXIII’s tackling of God, no matter how hackneyed and poorly-executed. It’s personal.

It’s from a feminine experience.

I know that terming is... vague, and problematic, but the way Christianity and much of the video game industry handle femininity itself is weird and problematic, so as it stands, I’ll have to simplify it. Apologies.

What sets FFXIII’s Let’s Kill God™ plot aside from most JRPG Let’s Kill God™ plots is that with our protagonist being a woman, and one who is very in touch with her femininity alongside her sheer strength; often, in these stories, God is reduced to Yet Another Foe, expected or unexpected, and you are tasked with taking him down unquestioningly for the Good of Mankind-- You will fight God, because you are right to, and you will go man-to-man-to-however-many-men you decide to bring along for the bloodbath.

And that just, doesn’t speak to me.

Even as an Extian.

Especially as an Extian. And an AFAB one with a deeply complicated experience with my gender, at that.

Leaving Christianity was painful. Questioning God was painful. Coming to terms with the fact that I had been mentally, emotionally, and spiritually traumatised under the guise of All-Encompassing Love was so, so fucking painful. I had been taught since I was five years old to devote myself to him, spent my life desperate to feel something, anything, to stay connected because I just, I never could Feel It on a deeper level, never could Give Up Myself, all I was, couldn’t Die A Spiritual Death And Be Reborn As His Eager Vessel, thus deeming myself to be worthless and a broken vessel for years and years on end... And for all that to have been... Nothing.

Lightning is hollowed out, the shards of her dead sister ripped from her in-stasis, leaving her emotionally numb for the majority of the game, Bhunivelze sweeps it under the rug, pretends he’ll perform a miracle and return Serah to life in exchange for her compliance, then sends her on her way to do his work, all the while knowing he’s going to pull said-rug from under her and elevate her such dizzying heights in the aftermath--

That he’ll deny her humanity.

Sand down all the rough edges that make her her, and polish her up afterwards, gild her as he is gilded, make her a Goddess.

And he’ll do it all because he loves her.

You can’t fight God like you can everything else. To fight It is the fight Existence Itself; FFXIII even conveys that by making Bhunivelze’s model part of the arena; it’s baked into the fabric of the game, no matter how minute.

While Lightning Returns is far from perfect in its execution of this concept, and that in itself makes me wince, not even taking into account the horribly botched excuse for a localisation Bhunivelze endured, it speaks to me more than anything else I’ve seen so far.

And it’s helped uncover some things within me. Helped me untangle them, just a little more.

So, yeah. I have alot of Thoughts on Bhunivelze, I want to share them, and I’m kinda really sad I have no one but my currently-absent friend Vee to share them with. I could get into alot more, like his very Fucked relationship with familial bonds, and how Lightning’s role as saviour so deeply parallels the overwhelming panic and never-ending guilt of Evangelical proselytisation, but I think I’ll leave those for another time.

In short, Bhunivelze is the epitome of Divine Love gone deeply wrong; on all fronts.

And if all of that isn’t enough to intrigue you, then, in Vee’s words, Lightning and Velze are literally canon endgame Sefikura lmaOOOOOOOOOOOOOO--

#ffxiii #lightning returns #bhunivelze #analysis #scrawny speaks #scrawny rambles #this was written on and off over the course of a couple months #i know this will only get two notes #if even that #but fuck it i love this guy and i'm going to puke words for his sake #religion mention

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thekitteninlove · 3 years ago

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It takes me a longer time to play ikerev in the jp version since i don't know japanese as well as english, which is one of the reasons why i'm late posting the summary. It's also because i like to take my time with everything (including Dalim's route). Anyway, here's part 5.

Since Dum let Alice open the bar, she was now serving customers. She wrote on the door that the owner isn't there, so some of the usual stuff won't be served (i don't know exactly what. maybe the cocktails, since she doesn't know how to mix drinks?). There weren't as many many customers as usual, so she was able to manage the bar well. However, after a while some bastards entered the bar and complained why isn't the usual stuff being served. Alice tried to explain, but it's like they were deaf. They just heard what they wanted. Luckily, Dean saved the day this time around

Dean: "Since when was this a place where ill-mannered people show how despicable they are by picking on the weak?"

(Yes, Dean, roast those bastards!)

Once they left, Alice thanked Dean for saving her

Dean: "By the way, we seem to be connected by fate since we met again"

(Yes, we were fated to be together, my love ❤️)

After Alice apologized again for mistaking him for Dum, Dum climbed down the stairs from his room, seemingly displeased to say the least about Dean's presence

Dum: "Could you not trouble my princess, you devil teacher?"

After glaring and throwing insults at each other, Dean told him that some people picked a fight with Alice, so he just helped her out. Dum apologized to Alice for not being there when she needed him.

Dean said that his head hurts for a bit once in a while, at which Dum remained silent (but his reaction makes me think that he knows something). Alice commented on how much they resemble each other, much to their annoyance.

Dum: "Didn't you know that there are 3 people in the world that resemble you?"

(So there are 3 copies of Dalim? Mmmh, i like that idea 😏. Where are they?)

They vehemently denied having any sort of connection with each other. After glaring at each other some more, Dean decided to leave.

Dean: "It'd be best if you didn't get too deeply involved with that guy. ... i'm warning you for your own good"

Dean seems to know something too, but leaves without any kind of explanation. Dum went after Alice, saying that he was worried that someone might harass her again (although i doubt that's the only reason). After they went back in the bar, Dum muttered something to himself that got my attention

Dum: "Your intuition is so annoyingly good, i'm at a loss, Dee" (note that he said Dee, not Dean. Weird...)

A customer at the bar mentioned the upcoming war, which made Alice remember the pact she made with Ray. She would have to quit her job soon so she could help the Black Army defeat their enemies by using her magic nullification powers. She wished she could keep staying at the bar and help Dum, but she couldn't break the promise she made to Ray.

#ikerev #ikemen revolution #ikerev dalim #ikerev dum #dalim tweedle #dalim's route #ikerev dean

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serifsans · 3 years ago

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Vladimir’s bulk is warm and comfortable in a way nothing else is. It’d probably be downright luxurious to curl up on his lap in his true form but if there’s anything Jean-Paul hates, it’s letting their boyfriend (boyfriend, he calls him, as if either of them aren’t anything but too damn old, as if they don’t think of him as their husband, even if they dare not say it lest that change something and ruin everything.) see them when they aren’t wearing human form. It’s embarrassing, like being caught wearing bell-bottoms before they cycle back into fashion. They’ll let Vladimir see them now when they’re skulking around wearing ratty bathrobes so old they’re now antiques but JP draws the line as letting him see that silly pink dog.

(Also, they figure that if the regulators ever decide to mind-wipe him, it’s probably better if he has less memories of an obviously alien form. Maybe it won’t completely fry his brain then. JP’s terrified of that. Of course, JP also knows that if they ever came for him, Vladimir’s taking as many regulators as possible with him before they could even get to his head. They’re terrified of that just as much.)

They see each other so infrequently anyway that there’s no point wasting it looking like anything but a dream: that is, if your idea of a dream is undersized, middle-aged, and dressed entirely in designer brands. Vladimir’s is, which is part of the reason they like him so much. Their volph form is not a dream. It’s silly and little and adorable when it’s not glitching and lagging. JP will take adorable but the silly part, no.

Jean-Paul has his shop and his commissions and a whole part of his life he doesn’t want to drag Vladimir into any more than he already has. Vladimir’s got his work and his family and a whole part of his life he doesn’t want to drag Jean-Paul (or Polly Jean or whatever other name they cycle though) into any more than he already has. They both have businesses that keep them very busy and also side-pieces that also keep them very busy, mostly because neither of them really like to address their emotions and mostly deal with them by throwing themselves at whatever distraction they can find. Always, always, there’s the looming threat that this cannot last, that it’ll end poorly, that they should just end this, but whenever they break up, they can’t stay apart too long until the fear comes for one of them again.

Anyway, the point? Jean-Paul’s living like a fucking king over there because he gets to wallow all over this man. Anyone who doesn’t get to cuddle him is missing out on one of the finer joys of life.

“Paulie, my sweet one, maybe you would like it more if you moved a little, yeah? Just a little. I love you as I love no other, you are my starshine, my heart, but your ass, it’s bony. My legs can only take so much. I am sorry, my love.”

Oh, okay, the man he loves is just cruelly abandoning him like a complete and utter monster. That’s how it is. Being JP is so hard. They make a big show of looking extremely sad as they scoot off his lap and curl up against his side instead, sighing extremely, extremely over-dramatically. Vladimir pets his hair and gives him a little kiss to make up for kicking him off of his lap. JP sighs even more sadly and when that doesn’t elicit the desired response, sighs even louder so Vladimir kisses him again.

Their ass isn’t that bony.

“I guess I might find it within my heart to forgive you for this cruel and utterly cutting insult,” they say. “But only because I am an extremely kind person. The best. I’m completely saintly, darling. That’s the truth of it.”

Vladimir chuckles, a low rumble.

“They will write poems to your kindness and generosity. They will not say that you called what’s-her-name horrible things for hours only because she did not say hello to you while walking down the street. I still think she did not see you. If she knew what you said, she would never talk to you agains even if she did see you.”

JP huffs.

“First of all, it was not for hours. Second of all, I was only being truthful. Third of all, she did it on purpose; don’t argue otherwise. Fourthly, she can snub me all she wants, I really do not give a fuck, the joke’s on her, I made out with her dear old dad in the 70s and he liked it, so hah. I hope no one shows up at her fucking garden party. I hope she gets kicked out of the country club. I hope she buys a pony and it doesn’t love her.”

“Okay, Paulie, you tart,” says Vladimir, laughter still in his voice. “You were very busy in the 70s. You must have never rested.”

“You know it.”

Maybe being kicked off Vladimir’s lap isn’t so bad. It means they can nestle up against him and rest their head on his stomach. He likes to run his fingers through their hair, especially since they decided to start wearing it long in this body. Anyone else doing it makes him feel like anxious lapdog with no control over who does and doesn’t pet him (or pull his tail or mess with his ears or poke him) but Vladimir does it and he feels like a person instead. He closes his eyes and though he never naps, JP really feels so comfortable right now he could doze off. Bears are fantastic. The world needs more of them. Actually, it needs more of them and it needs this one to last forever.

“Mm, completely unrelated to exploits of the past, but I made an account on a website. Thought you should know. Transparency. Communication. That sort of thing. It’s fun.”

God, they’re comfy. This is amazing. Their life really is so blessed. Thank you, universe.

“Paulie,” his boyfriend says with gentle exasperation in his voice. “You join these websites, you find someone that maybe you do not like, you say things that you know to be hurtful, the websites say that you cannot go to them anymore. You can’t keep doing this. There is a reason that I run the boutique’s social media and you, you, my heart, are allowed nowhere near. You are very spiteful and very rude. I know this and I love you.”

JP really can’t argue against this one because they’re running out of websites to be banned from. Even still, they roll their eyes and huff because how dare Vladimir call them out like this.

“Ugh, fine, I’ll behave. I’m really trying to be nicer, you know. It’s all so goddamn weird that I wouldn’t even understand how to insult these people if I tried, anyway. I don’t fucking get memes, darling. It’s all a bunch of bullshit people pretend is funny. It doesn’t make sense.”

“I am sorry you do not understand the Internet. It is a strange place. I will send you Russian memes instead and then maybe you will understand,” Vladimir says. “If you do not like the site, then maybe consider not being on it.”

“I didn’t say that. I just said that it doesn’t make sense. Darling, you know I really do think people should cater to my exact sense of taste at all times but even though they don’t, I still very graciously put up with it,” JP says. “It’s a website for fellow space fans. They’re all bound to be weird."

Vladimir’s hand in his hair stills.

“I do not need to know the details of what you say on your websites, I think maybe I do not even need to know what they are called, but be mindful of what you post. You do not know who could be reading. Do not mention me on it ever, please. Be careful.”

The ever-present anxiety starts making itself known. It’s not that Vladimir himself makes them anxious because he’s a giant softie underneath the leather and gruff exterior and the fact that he will commit murder in an instant if it means protecting his loved ones. It’s just that sometimes JP very suddenly remembers how much they absolutely have to protect him at all costs and what it will be like to lose him if they can’t devise a way to keep him around forever.

“I’m sorry, Vladimir. I should’ve said something before I made an account. I’ll delete it. I just...you told me I can’t keep running away from others like me. Well, I can’t deal with them in real life. I just can’t. It’s just a website, I didn’t think things through, I don’t want to compromise your safety, I can-”

“Ah, ah, no, I am sorry, I think maybe I said things too harshly, do not worry, my darling. I trust you. Please, maybe it will be a good thing for you and then you will understand their memes. I only want you to be happy and safe. Just be careful, okay? And do not start fights with people.”

JP whines and buries their face against him.

“I really can delete it. I, I don’t always think things through. I wasn’t made for thinking.”

Vladimir decides the best course of action is to pull them back into his lap in hopes it’ll calm the anxious volph, except JP can’t even properly enjoy it because their brain (if they even have a brain because they honestly do not know.) goes from zero to one hundred in half a second and now they’re thinking about everything bad that could possibly happen because they joined a website for aliens.

“Hey, it’s okay, okay? Have fun on your alien dating site. Maybe you will sleep with a Nessie and it will change your life. Do not worry about me. Just be careful with yourself, okay? You do not protect that person enough.”

That’s enough for JP to momentarily break through the anxiety.

“It’s a blogging website, not a hookup website."

“Okay.”

...

“Paulie? Is the Loch Ness Monster real? Do you know her?”

“Darling, you know I never kiss and tell.”

“Is she real?”

“Fuck if I know but I’m certainly not swimming all the way over there to find out.”

#drabble #just jp hanging out with their boyfriend #jp swears like a sailor outside the context of the store #ooc

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quarantined-with-bucky · 4 years ago

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If The World Was Ending

Bucky x Reader

Words: ~ 5,000

Summary: Your world was ending.

Warnings: Angst, but not as angsty as usual, I promise!

A/N: “If the World Was Ending” by JP Saxe & Julia Michaels :)

...

I was distracted And in traffic I didn't feel it When the earthquake happened But it really got me thinkin' Were you out drinkin'? Were you in the living room Chillin' watchin' television?

It was five-thirty on a Friday. The rush hour traffic backed up all the streets of New York; the brewing storm not helping the situation in the slightest bit. He’d regretted his choice to go for a calming drive three hours ago; it left him surrounded with rumbling cars and angry taxis. What had started out as a relaxing drive outside the city, had now become the root cause of his newly sprouted headache.

The rumbling in his head became rumbling in his stomach as he noticed the man at the newspaper stand calling out to people on the streets. On the front page, there you were, headline calling out: “Newest Avenger Saves the City,” complete with a blurry photograph, face smudged with soot and debris from the fire, hair whipping around your face in the twirling winds – but it was you none-the-less.

His heart dropped six feet below him and that’s when his world began to shake: all it took was the sight of you. Not even in person; it was a photograph. He hadn’t seen you in person in days. He hadn’t spoken to you in weeks (more like you hadn’t spoken to him) – only hearing others talk about you; yelling your name to sell newspapers. He shook his head, imagining the thoughts spilling from his ears as he desperately tried to get his mind off of you. He hadn’t noticed the green light before him until the drivers behind him began to lay on their horns.

Raindrops spattered on his front windshield at an increasingly fast pace; they didn’t show any signs of slowing down, either, as the sky turned dark grey, casting shadows across every street. He thought about where you might be in that moment. A clap of thunder and lightning ripped through the sky. Were you out at the bar, celebrating your most recent victory? He could see it: Natasha dragging you out for an early happy hour, buying you shots to congratulate you on your conquest from the day before. You were probably wearing that skin-tight black dress, enjoying the attention from your friends (and the guys at the bar chasing their post-work buzz).

But as more rolling thunder shrouded his ears, he couldn’t help but feel that scenario was completely wrong for the current circumstances. You’d hated thunderstorms (and you hated the fact that he was able to tell that about you). There were plenty of people who enjoyed them: the sound of rain tapping against the window – white noise. He thought it was endearing that you got scared, like a child curled up in her blanket, tucked away in the safety of his arms. It wasn’t technically ironic, but when he found out that someone with the power to cultivate flames in her bare hands is afraid of thunderstorms, he couldn’t help but laugh and coo.

Then he found out why you hated them.

And that shut him right up.

Now he imagined you sitting on the couch in the living room, wrapped up securely in your numerous blankets, watching the television in front of you. He knew you’d be boiling underneath that much insulation, but, hey, you were always a fan of the heat (also unironically). And it was with this thought, that Bucky pulled the car into the complex, parking it in the seemly-never-ending row of Tony’s cars.

The whole ride up the elevator, he’d pictured you in your blanket cocoon, calm and quiet night interrupted by the loud storm outside. He figured you’d bury your face into the couch cushion, waiting for someone to sit with you – someone to reassure you: everything would be okay.

And when the elevator doors opened and he nearly jogged into the living room, that’s exactly the sight he was met with. You looked tired; tired from yesterday, tired from not sleeping, tired from the incessant fear the thunderstorm would bring you, tired of not having peace. You whipped your head around towards the doorway, taking notice of Bucky’s still figure. As he took one step closer, you stood up, securing all of your blankets over your shoulders.

You strutted out of the room to your bedroom without a word and without looking back at Bucky behind you.

I tried to imagine Your reaction It didn't scare me when the earthquake happened But it really got me thinkin' That night we went drinkin' Stumbled in the house And didn't make it past the kitchen

You shut the door quietly and locked it behind you. Letting out a deep sigh, you pulled up the edges of your blankets and fell onto the bed, snuggling your way into a swathe of warmth. You shut your eyes, trying to think of anything except the rolling thunder outside your window and the man downstairs.

You could only get one off your mind.

It was probably the loudness of the storm that brought it out in you; brought out your innate need to seek others out for comfort. There was so little warmth in your life: any sort of comfort you had ever received had to be made by you either in the form of fire or blanket-cocoons. It was fine for a while, until you’d met Bucky Barnes. Being with him is better than anything you’d felt before; more reassuring and comforting than anything you’d ever experienced. Between his supersoldier body heat, his strong arms holding you so tight you thought he might squish you – you’d loved it – and the feeling of his breath against the back of your neck, there was no better feeling in the world.

Him holding you was one thing. But him touching you was a whole other animal. Your hands burned each other; they left imprints on each other’s chests, hips, thighs, necks. Both of you were too hot – the two of you tangled up in bedsheets made you catch a fever every damn time. But that’s how you liked it: gasping for breaths, bodies slick with sweat, a painful groan as he pressed his burning palm to the small of your back, pushing your arch deeper.

But that’s all it was at this point: a fever dream.

It was the most vivid memory you had, yet also the haziest. The two of you spent the night at the bar, drinking your weight in any kind of alcohol you could get your hands on. The whole three hours spent at the bar, your hands were all over each other, smiles never leaving either of your faces. You’d ditched the rest of the avengers after you’d put your hand on Bucky’s upper thigh under the table, sliding it up slowly until he pushed his way out of the booth (dragging you with him). It started off as a joke, you’d thought it would be funny to see his drunken reaction as he tried the obvious discomfort of your teasing from everyone else at the table. It wasn’t funny anymore when he pushed you up against the cold brick of the building outside the bar, holding one hand to your hips and the other to your neck, cutting off your laughter and tilting your head up to meet his lips already en route to yours.

Your hands found their way around his neck, eventually grasping at the tips of his long hair, drawing them near you to bring his body closer to yours. He moaned into your mouth, breaking apart the sloppy kiss to smother a line of licks and love bites and kisses to your jaw and neck. But as soon as you shut your eyes and dropped your head against the wall behind you, he grabbed your hips and pulled you upright, snaking his arm around your hip and escorting you toward the tower.

As soon as Bucky swung open the door, his hands were all over you. He grabbed your head, cupping your jaw in his huge hands, pulling you into a kiss, forcing you to walk backwards into waiting the elevator. The doors closed and he once again shoved you against the wall, fingers finding the bottom hem of your skin-tight black dress. He’d been dying to get it off of you all night. He only broke the kiss to pull the dress over your head, discarding it in the corner. You’d been fumbling with the buttons on his shirt, your buzz from the alcohol combined with your complete intoxication from Bucky’s lips not making it any easier.

The elevator door dinged open and he grabbed the back of his shirt, slipping it off his shoulders (shirt still half buttoned), then throwing it alongside your dress. Before you even had the time to look him over, he scooped you up in his arms, swiftly taking you out of the elevator and through the corridor towards the bedroom.

Your lips connected with his neck, working your way up to the spot where his jaw meets his ear: the spot that drives him absolutely mad. You licked the shell of his ear and sucked on that spot on his jaw and you felt his knees buckle. He groaned, setting you down on the counter – not before an obligatory slap to your ass that made you yelp against his neck. He chuckled, grabbing your face and giving you another proper kiss as his hips ground against yours.

As soon as your hands began working on his belt buckle, it was safe to say neither of you made it past the kitchen that night.

Think I've figured out how How to let you go and let communication die out I know, you know, we know You weren't down for forever and it's fine I know, you know, we know We weren't meant for each other and it's fine

It was day nineteen of the mission he was on and Bucky was close to calling it quits. He’d told Steve countless times that their presence wasn’t making a difference, that they should just pack up and head home. Steve would not relent, thus the mission continued on. They’d spent the past two weeks laying low, trying to complete a stealth mission to obtain information and take out the target. The duo laid out every day for fifteen hours, holding their elevating position in the forest.

Every night, Bucky would get comfortable in the makeshift tent he’d set up and stare at his phone for hours. At the innocent texts you’d send telling him about your day, the not-so innocent texts you’d send confessing him everything you wanted to do to him when he gets home; the innocent pictures you’d send of the cute puppy Wanda brought him, the not-so-innocent pictures of yourself in that red lingerie he loved so much.

You brought him enough peace to be able to get a few hours of shut eye in before Steve’s early wake-up call. Then, he’d spend the whole morning talking about you and what you’d sent him, only stopping when Steve told him to shut up. But he couldn’t help but laugh just simply thinking about you, everything you were doing, what you were wearing. At that exact moment in time, Bucky was sitting behind his sniper rifle, starting straight ahead waiting for the target. After analyzing his routes for just shy of three weeks, they knew exactly where he’d be and when – and today was the day. Today in one hour and fourteen minutes.

“And after that she – ”

“Buck,” Steve huffed, interrupting the other man. “Okay, I get it. I don’t need every single detail of your lives.”

Bucky’s head whipped to the left at the blond. Steve remained still, staring at through the binoculars pointed forward. “What?”

“You heard me,” he mumbled back, still not moving an inch, suddenly losing the nerve he mustered up to speak just seconds ago.

“Damn.” Bucky dropped his head and exaggeratedly shook it, picking his head back up with a sick grin. He let out a snarky laugh, cracking his neck before speaking up again: “Here I was, thinking we were friends and we could talk, just like we used to y’know?” His tone raising as he teased Steve. “But.” He shrugged, looking back through the scope of his rifle. “Things change I guess.”

“Jesus, Buck, what’s wrong with you?” Steve snapped, dropping the binoculars.

And, to be clear, Bucky hadn’t known what had gotten into him. It could have been the lack of sleep: getting only four hours of shut eye each night for three weeks, the fact that he’d eaten nothing but canned beans, crackers, and various dehydrated meats, or the fact he’d been missing his bed – and you – and you in his bed – enormously. But he couldn’t drop the façade now, it was just starting to piss Steve off. Plus, Bucky had to address some points with him, anyway: “There’s nothing wrong with me. What’s wrong with you? You’re the one who’s always asking about what I’m thinking and how it’s going with her and – ”

“Yeah, I did want to know how it was going with her but now it’s too much. Like your sex lives — TMI, Bucky. And, look, don’t get me wrong, she’s a great girl and a strong team member and all, but it’s the only thing that comes out of your mouth. Besides that, you share way too much.”

“Aww, Stevie,” Bucky cooed. “Are you jealous?”

Steve’s eyes flitted to the brunet’s if only for a second, before returning to their original position. “Don’t be stupid, Bucky. I’m trying to look out for you. You haven’t been able to get your head out of your ass for the past two months. You’ve been slipping up. It’s about time to get your mind straight.”

“Mind straight? Mind straight?” Bucky kept repeating to Steve (and himself). Was that’s what was wrong with him? His mind was preoccupied most of the time with you, sure. Who’s wouldn’t be? You were gorgeous, intelligent, kind, intimidating (to normal men). Bucky’s eyes dropped to the ground, shaking the thoughts out of his head again. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about, Steve. You brought me to the middle of Austria for this fucking mission – that, by the way, is taking weeks longer than expected – for what? If you don’t trust me so much, then why are you making me suffer? God, you should’ve just spared me the misery and – ”

“Take the shot.”

“Left me at home. You know so I can be with (Y/N), who apparently you don’t even like as much as you let on, and – ”

“Take. The. Shot.” Bucky looked up at the man: Steve’s eyes did not move from the binoculars, eyebrows knitted together in concentration, his jaw clenched tight.

Bucky’s hands nearly slipped on the rifle, repositioning himself so he could finish the job. And then, as Bucky pulled the trigger, he was fucked.

Absolutely, in no other sense of the word, fucked.

The bullet grazed the arm of the target, nailing the guy behind him square in the chest.

“Time to go,” Steve yelled, jumping up and sprinting towards the rendezvous. “Emergency extraction! We have hostiles hot on our trail!” He shouted into the radio.

Bucky grabbed the rifle and shot up, catching up to Steve.

They ran in the forest for hours, trying to hide from the small army that right behind them, searching endlessly for the two. But once they reached the safety of the jet, Clint swooping in at the perfect time to pick them up, the fight wasn’t over. While Steve was giving Bucky the silent treatment, updating Clint on the situation at hand in the cockpit, Bucky was fighting a mental battle with himself.

So, Steve was right. Bucky was totally screwed. Not only did the target get away, he killed someone else in his place, just another one to add to the list, he thought to himself, dropping his head in his hands. This had never happened before – whether his mind was being controlled by someone else or not. He’d lost his composure, he lost sight of the mission. He’d turned on his best friend of over one hundred years, over a girl. Bucky was no stranger to constructive criticism, but when it came to you, he lost it. As soon as Steve mentioned you clouding his vision, he lost it.

And after a three-hour long flight home, he knew what he had to do.

Bucky strutted off the jet, slinging the heavy weapon over his shoulder, eyes fixated on the hangar exit about fifty yards ahead of him. He looked nowhere else, not at anyone else. Not at the group of Avengers welcoming them home. Not back at Steve as he called after him. Not at you as you jogged alongside him to keep in stride with him.

He heard you, calling his name: “Bucky, Bucky, James, James.”

He kept his mind clear and jaw set. He couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t think anything. He was focused: this was his new mission.

Steve obviously told you what happened, later, about Bucky’s mind being totally fucked and filled with thoughts of only you. Bucky was sure that he had phrased it differently – to make it sound like it wasn’t your fault. It wasn’t – it was Bucky’s fault for being so infatuated with you that you consumed his every thought. He had to end it, before anyone else had to die.

He didn’t talk to you that night.

He didn’t talk to you the day after.

He didn’t talk to you.

Think I've figured out how How to think about you without it rippin' my heart out I know, you know, we know You weren't down for forever and it's fine I know, you know, we know We weren't meant for each other and it's fine

It was years after you’d met Bucky before the two of you started dating. It was months after that before you were seriously dating. It was another year after before you told him what happened to you.

That night, it was storming, as it usually did in July. It made the room feel humid, like you could feel the rain and sticky air outside on your skin. You rolled around all night, taking hours for you to finally fall asleep beside Bucky. Nights like these, when you didn’t want to be held – it was too damn hot – you didn’t want to be spoken to, you didn’t want to be touched, he just let you be. He watched helplessly from the sidelines as you tossed and turned, fumbling around with the sheets before foregoing them altogether.

But you’d finally fell asleep, four hours after you’d originally settled down for bed. You were plagued with nightmares of your past. Nothing out of the ordinary.

Bucky woke you up that night, taking a hold of your shoulders, shaking them violently until you woke up. And when you did, you gasped for air, hands instinctively grabbing his wrists, palms burning his skin. He snatched his flesh hand away, watching as sparks flitted from your fingertips. However, Bucky kept his metal hand against your burning skin, twisting your hand around, holding it gently in his. He rubbed his cool metal thumb against your knuckles, shifting so that he was sitting up next to you.

“Come here,” he mumbled, pulling you into his lap, arms curling up so you could tuck them under your chin, head resting on Bucky’s lap. He combed his fingers through your hair, gently tugging any knots out. “Tell me about it this time?” He asked softly.

You gazed into his blue eyes, barely lit up by the lightning shining through your window. You blinked away the remaining tears for your own eyes, rubbing your cheeks with the back of your hand to rid them of tear-trails. “I discovered my powers when I was little, like, maybe five or six.” You barely spoke at all, voice coming out softer than a whisper, cracking, broken. “And my parents didn’t really know what to do.” Clearing your throat, you had to give them the benefit of the doubt, to clarify: “I mean – they were both normal. They didn’t know what else to do. But then I started setting things on fire. It took them a while to figure out it was me, actually.” Bucky nodded along to your story, listening quietly, never interrupting, his hand never falling from your hair. “By the time they figured out it was me, they didn’t know what to do. They wanted to help me.” The last sentence came out quieter than the rest, voice barely audible at all. “When it rained a lot, they mad me sit outside in the yard.”

The memory flashed across your mind, the first time they sent you outside. There was thundering and lightning, and you couldn’t hear your own childish screams over the loud rain and claps of thunder, you couldn’t tell your tears apart from the rain that splashed on your cheeks. They put you out in the rain with the hopes it would put out all your fires, break your constant fever, wash away your powers. “It burned. The cold water on my burning skin felt like an acid rain. It felt like hot oil was spilling all over my arms and legs.” You shuddered at the thought of it, the skin on your extremities now suddenly itchy and scorching hot.

…

But that was all gone now. He wasn’t there to hold you, calm you down. You didn’t know what it was, actually. First, he disappeared. You didn’t even see him for days; you couldn’t find him at the gym or in the kitchen. One day you saw him in the hallway, walking with Steve, speaking in very hushed tones. As soon as you swung the corner and made eye contact with him, he was gone. He completely dropped the conversation he was having, turned on his heel, and strutted towards his bedroom.

Steve looked at you with sorrow-filled eyes. All you could do was offer him a small, fake smile and shrug; he saw right through it. But you were out of questions to ask, tears to cry. There was nothing left to do.

He wasn’t in your life anymore.

Now the only thing you could do was stop wondering what happened, why it happened. You chose to remember the good times with Bucky. The times he held you in his strong arms, shielding you from your past memories and your nightmares.

He may be out of your life, but the memories of the times you shared would live on with you forever. Would you love me for the hell of it? All our fears would be irrelevant The sky'd be falling while I'd hold you tight No, there wouldn't be a reason why We would even have to say goodbye

The sky was falling, technically.

Chunks of building tumbled down the walls around you. Smoke clouded the air and debris filled your lungs. There was shouting all around you – you think – you couldn’t make out any real sounds through the sounds of the bombs exploding all around you. You were trapped in a maze; it had to be a maze, you thought. You felt like you’d walked around the same hall for hours. You were sure it had been hours at that point.

The buildings started to shatter around you, bright light blinding your vision. The clouds of smoke appeared more frequently, meaning the attack was only getting closer. Were they landmines? Or were they coming from the sky? You didn’t have time to think about it. The wall next to you burst beside you, knocking you off your feet.

Before you made contact with the ground, an arm snaked around your waist, pulling you up, dragging you to a nearby room. You were tossed into a cold porcelain bathtub, the sides of the tub caked with dry dirt and chunks of plaster. Once you were dropped into the tub, a heavy weight fell on top of you – a body.

Bucky’s body, to be exact.

You clung to his leather clad, torso, hands shaking, gripping the buckles and straps. His hands and head shielded yours, the rest of his body resting on top of yours to break the fall of any dropping debris and pieces of ceiling.

You were so close. You were breathing the same air, the same dirty air, struggling to breath, gasping for breath. You’d lost track of how many days you’d spent apart, how many days it’s been since he’s stopped talking to you.

And then it was over. Just like that. “We should stay until the bombing ends.”

His voice was raspy, almost as if he hadn’t used it at all since he stopped speaking to you. Your heart raced at his words, at the sound of his voice. You could feel his heart racing, too. But you couldn’t find the words to say and, at that point, you weren’t even sure there were any words to say, anyway.

You shut your eyes tight, waiting for it to end. This time, you definitely lost track of time. It was just you, him, and the sky falling.

…

The room had grown cold around the two of you; but you sat holding each other.

You keeping him warm, him keeping you warm.

You’d nearly fallen asleep in his arms, the feeling of him next to you – on top of you – holding you so close – protecting you – bringing you a sense of peace that you hadn’t felt in so long. He moved his hands from where they were resting on your head, placing them on either side of the tub, lifting himself off you. He kicked away the chunks of wall and ceiling, clearing the rest of the tub out before offering you a hand to help you out.

When your hand touched his, he wasn’t sure if he felt a spark, or if your hand was genuinely sparking. He didn’t care, he had missed the feeling of both.

You’d followed him out of the tub, walking beside him as you both made your way out of the building, no other words being spoken between you than those earlier. Meeting up with the rest of the team followed suit, as did the plane ride home.

The jet doors opened, you shot to your feet and headed towards your room. You had a goal in mind: make it to your room. Heavy footsteps with a purpose: that’s all your ears could hear. You listened to the pattern of your heavy boots slamming against the floor, echoing throughout the hangar.

“(Y/N)!”

Your stride stuttered.

But you pressed on. Clenching your fists at your side, you huffed out a breath and carried on.

What would you gain from talking to him?

Nothing.

Its what you kept telling yourself. You didn’t want to not talk to him. God, you’d give anything to be able to go back to normal with him. For what? So he could do it all over again?

…

He tried to run up after you. He could easily catch up to you, but his legs stopped moving after the third time he’d called your name. He stood in the hangar, watching as everyone started heading your direction, each of them heading to their own destination.

Bucky didn’t have anywhere to go. Or anything to say.

I know, you know, we know You weren't down for forever and it's fine I know, you know, we know We weren't meant for each other and it's fine

But if the world was ending You'd come over, right? You'd come over and you'd stay the night Would you love me for the hell of it? All our fears would be irrelevant The rain was hitting the window hard. You laid on your bed on your stomach, holding your head propped up on your palms as you gazed out the window across from you. You watched the raindrops race each other down the glass, trails interrupted with more raindrops falling ahead of them. Lightning lit up the sky, illuminating your bedroom in a grey hue, hurting your eyes as you stared directly at it.

You pulled the blankets over your head, groaning over the loud clap of thunder that followed the light, trying to drown it out. Flipping yourself over on your back, you shoved all the blankets off of you. There was no way you were going to sleep tonight.

Your phone said the rain wouldn’t end until ten in the morning. Rolling off the bed, you paced back and forth in front of your bookshelf, perhaps reading could take your mind off it? But you weren’t in the mood to read. You’d decided on something that did not require as much mental effort. Settling on TV, you hopped back on your bed, wincing as the bright screen lit up the room, squinting until your eyes adjusted. You flipped through the channels and found nothing but infomercials – it was barely one in the morning. Tony paid for one thousand channels and there was nothing appealing. Shutting it off, you fell back onto the bed.

There was only one place to go.

If the world was ending You'd come over, right? You'd come over, you'd come over, you'd come over, right? If the world was ending You'd come over, right?

Those were the words you kept repeating to yourself.

You stop in front of Bucky’s doorway, blanket wrapped tightly over your shoulders.

Your knuckles rap lightly against the door.

It swings open, revealing a frightened Bucky, who releases a held breath as relief washes over his face. He breaths your name in a shaky exhale, almost fighting the small smile that is pulling at his lips. And it’s you who gets lost in his cloudy blue eyes, it’s you who can feel the heat radiating off his naked torso, it’s you who holds back tears.

“My world was ending.”

#bucky x reader #bucky barnes #bucky barnes fanfiction #angst #bucky barnes angst #bucky x you #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes imagine #angsty bucky #captain america #bucky fanfic

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seoafin · 3 years ago

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jjk & tower of god chapter on the same day,,, i spent all of my brainjuice talking abt tog w some friends + working on my wip so this one might be incoherent LMAO but nsjdhfjd this my 2 cents for the chp (1) - 🐱

first of all, the zenins shld just eat shit 🥰 the bar is just nonexistant now 😭😭😭

also maki’s mother said sth that hits way too close to home for me too🥴

the maki & mai, megumi & tsumiki "make a place where they are happy” parallels...mai,, maki wanted a place where u'd be happy!!! 😭😭😭 good points abt any interesting nuances the original jpn might have had though

ALSO MUSCLE MAKI IS HERE

and lmao megumi's "ew no" face ,,, i didn't think he could make a face like that JDJJDJD ,, once again i think his outsider-insider status is interesting but the amount of ppl counting on him/leaning on him bc of strategic position is a lot. ig this is what kamo meant by supporting the 3 families,,,, gojou indeed is playing the long game. megumi in the meantime, very persistent in not getting more involved in clan politics, not using power that is offered to him, or leveraging it - in a way it is good, and it also makes sense with "stress is other ppl" but is interesting from a structural pov. megumi may not rly give a shit abt the rest of the jujutsu world. if the ppl close to him are affected, then he cares. otherwise, forget it.

also im interested in power implications here bcs it sound a little like there’s a slight split b/w leadership and everyday zenins and im curious what it's like if u have no connection to the top of the clan,, and again higher ups being unaffiliated with the 3 clans so they have to appeal to them. curious what other talents the gojou clan have and what they're known for bc clearly it's not just gojou, they still have power without him and still have a stake in the shifting power structure. kamo must be busy too...

MAKIIIIII ,,, honestly my heart hurts a little seeing her getting beat up in recent chapters. but i’m rly happy,, shes FINALLY getting the focus she deserves and i’m confident she will make a recovery and she IS in fact the one leading efforts on the zenin side. im rly hopeful she can take over the clan one day and no longer say she's not good enough

that stomach wound is bad news though so im wondering how she will come back from that,, that she didn't know her own father's abilities says a lot, too. i wonder if she could see the extension of his blade, or if she hasn't been able to see/understand many ppl abilities

im hopeful for next chp now. u can do it maki!!!!

flashing back on these bits, it makes more sense now why megumi wasn't melting down post-shibuya,, seems most information came to him in a sort of timely and calm way? also i rly have to wonder if gojou did not spend a decade plotting in front him bcs he's done it before,,,, like the whole clan head scene in megumi's middle school years....in a way i imagine he wouldve seen that gojou come out of the high school and watch him get more serious as he acquired even more skin in the game

all the time though i wonder abt megumi's tendency toward inertia and nonaction to things that would seemingly give him power and trying to understand it and that IS him being selfish and that IS,, imo the biggest indication of what he actually does or doesn't want. he wants it, he will act and work on it immediately himself. he doesn't like it? act like it doesn't exist. it make me want to shake him around like NO!! megumi pay attention!!! But his reaction to this clan stuff is a contrast to his behavior in recent chapters imo

and more mahjong references,,, between this and yuuji’s pachinko,, i wonder abt the undercurrent of gambling haha. a gamble for the shaman world and who will come out on top? a contrast to the flowy ocean imagery that connects shaman stuff out to the rest of the world

also this ,,,, there's that one jp tweet (i cant find it again😞) that talks about how toji, as the point of distortion, created megumi, who is currently playing a potential convergence/healing/uniting role (if he actually takes it on as a responsibility lol) and connects this back to the medicine buddha,,, whose mudra (hand sign) is used for chimera shadow garden. with the commentary abt ppl with heavenly restriction needing to know what to throw away in order to become strong or tap into their full strength and toji’s commentary at the end of fight with gojou,, i actually always felt that toji died not having been entirely resolved with himself bc he talks abt going against the self that decided to forget abt self-respect, to live without thinking abt himself or others,,, in a way, living selfishly, for himself, by ignoring anything immediate and i think he succeeded for a while bc he didnt even remember megumi's name. he remembers it when he talks to getou abt him being thankful for toji not killing him bc of potential drawbacks

and at the very end he thinks of megumi again and that last act does think of someone else, like a "life before your eyes" moment where toji thinks about how the zenin's treatment of him led him there or how his return to shibuya ends with him remembering how he gave megumi back to the zenin,,, i think atm of his death he was starting to think he did want to care, in a different way, or that he needed a different paradigm. or,, maybe he was just starting to realize how far the zenin thinking had set into him

so we dont rly talk abt that being an enlightenment moment for toji but i kind of think it was. that megumi has the potential to become a pivotal piece as a legacy of distortion is interesting. i dont actually think toji set up everything intentionally bc he didnt know megumi's ability, and i dont think he wouldve thought that far. i think a lot of the heir and inheritance stuff is sth naobito set in after seeing megumi's development under gojou. it's clear now everyone has been keeping eyes on everyone else

at some point there's some interesting discussion to be had abt megumi and privilege - i'm surprised the canon characters dont hate him more for having stuff just fall into his lap, and so i liked that maki pointed this out that he could use this and he shld bc theres a frustration there - and yet at the same time megumi himself seemingly feels very little attachment to the zenin and the shaman world still. he just cares abt his little circle of people, and it's a very intentional choice, based on his good/bad ppl thing

u cant really affect the entire world, but u can assert urself on the environment around u and decide what u do and dont act on. this part of megumi is more teenage boy and kind of toji-like, i think,,, hence the emphasis on action

u express ur effect and existence through action, who u kill or who u save. toji having very little, while so much falls into megumi's lap while he doesn't want it, doesn't want to acknowledge it, likely doesn't want to take part in a system he doesn't like or, having been raised under gojou's wing, resents or finds corrupt or useless, or doesn't even think on bc he thinks its above his pay grade and gojou's there - this is also megumi's moment to solidify his own direction and commit to working in the system or out of it

the "not caring" is a defensive measure in a way too, i think. i dont think megumi is Big Good and wants to save everyone and everything and the world to be good and pure, i tend to think of him as a resigned chaotic neutral, who wishes he could be good orz

ANYWAY i think there's some interesting juxtapositions with the whole toji > megumi thing, that someone who is born without, restricted, births and creates someone full of blessings. its very shaman-like, action then reaction

AND i wish u luck on ur final paper (bless ur eyes to see incels bc i’ll just log off for the day when i saw one (1) of them on the net) AND DONT FORGET TO TAKE A REST,, the self care is much needed me thinks <333 (2) - 🐱

i love u 🥺🥺😭😭😭 you take care of yourself too!!!

also ur right...all this political intrigue im so curious i need to know how the jujutsu world is structured in terms of the higher ups and the clans. like i assumed that the three clan elders WERE to some extent also part of the higher ups???? but now it seems that the higher ups are a separate entity altogether, so like checks and balances i suppose. except both the higher ups and the clans are corrupt so no balance there 😭

the chapter implied the zenins are losing when it comes to the power struggle between the three clans. im interested. i want to see them all rot!!! like i also said though it’s going to be interesting to see the state of the kamo clan though, considering “noritoshi kamo.” like what do you even say to that???? im going to be surprised if it doesn’t affect their standing in the jujutsu world but then again the kamo clan IS one of the big three.

megumi really is a character that was blessed in all regards but like. doesn’t want anything to do with it LOL he really said ‘this is a pain no thanks.’ like gojo like megumi i suppose. i agree with u the whole toji and megumi set up....genius....i also love their juxtaposition. it’s so interesting and another source of irony.

#MAKI THOUGH......MAKIIIIIII #that stomach wound was worrying tbh at first i was like??? what is that panel even. but now.......ughhhhhh #🐱 anon

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