#so ive hid in my room. all day. i havent eaten or drank anything. i cant do anything but read or watch tv
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#diary#personal#disordered eating#self harm#abuse#i think i got sick after going to my concert. my whole skin hurts today so i think im actually possibly sick.#its all my fault for not wearing a mask the whole time. im so so so scared to tell my parents because what if they scold me. its scary#so ive hid in my room. all day. i havent eaten or drank anything. i cant do anything but read or watch tv#i. talked to a guy at the consert. he talked quite openly about how he got a crywank tattoo to help stop him from self harming.#he said it was cuz itd hurt more to do that over it. he also said crywank saved his life. i...understand both those things to some extent.#i am *terrified* of messaging him. or others...im scared everyone will like the show i put on. but not the me behind the scenes.#the weird one who makes weird sounds. who certainly isnt normal. and falls apart easily. the me thats in constant pain.#the me who hides things. even things i like from others for fear theyll taint it.#i used to really like crywank once. but it really hurts to listen to them now. i always think of my awkwardness at their concets.#i think i bought myself my first drink at one of their concerts.#it was really fun. but also i recall feeling alone feeling so so so anxious always saying the wrong things.#texting people makes me anxious. i rarely feel calm outside my home. i always think of how weird i act. i hate myself a bit. but not truly#im so stressed rn. i want to respond but dont. i need to do my taxes but cant (not my fault but stressful) and i just cant sleep...#i keep on overthing. i hate it so much. i keep on daydreaming about self harm. i always daydream about someone just being by my side#i want comfort. i want peace. i really dont wanna wake up tomorrow. i dont wanna tell ppl im.sick.#and i reqlly dont want my dad yelling at me over taxes. i cant even cry becasue my lungs hurt too much.#my lungs are so bad lately...even before the concert. they hurt. a ltlto#haaaaah. thats why i cant cry tho. and csnt laugh much either. i csn barely breath without ny inhailer.#my ocd is so bad too. if my mom makes me wear a mask in my room i might just break. i know ill think its contaminated#i know that i wont wnat to touch it#i dont want to touch qnythung i dont want to wash my hands either. so i just stay still doing nothing#i hate this so much. i ne3d to call a doctor so bad. but im terrified of talking on the phone or even sending in a email.#things like online booking arent great with my ocd. and with my social anxiety phonecalls are only slightly better.#haahhh i want this day to end. i wish i didnt have to stress while sick
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