#so itll always have such a special place in my heart
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i love you the hobbit trilogy i will defend you and adore you until the day i die!!!!!
#cant even explain it but they somehow make me emotional#like i grew up with the lotr movies right#absolutely love them#10/10#but i watched all the hobbit films at the cinema and didnt know anything about the plot and what was going to happen at all#so itll always have such a special place in my heart#similar to how andrew garfield is my favorite peter parker/ spiderman simply bc i saw those films at the cinema when i was younger#ough anyways i need more lotr/ hobbit tattoos
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the nitw ost was SO incredibly formative to my music taste idek who i would be as a person if alec holowka hadnt composed this shit
#its also one of the most reliable ways to make me cry i havent listened to this in AGES but one whiff of greggs woods or snow and im 🤧🤧#i used to replay it every autumn but i didnt last year....#need to get a steam copy for this year i wanna complete maes notebook again but somewhere i have an actual record#bc i only have an itch copy so no one knows i have all the achievements 😔#ALSO nitw was actually super formative to my videogame taste as well bc demontower was the first rogue i ever played LMAO#i was so terrible at it playing on my janky laptop keyboard but i pulled 2 all nighters completing it bc it was SO addictive#and then realised that was like. a wholeass genre of its own 😳😳#the demontower ost fr awoke some shit in me#ik nitw is stupidly popular and every normies fave indie game but its so so special to me itll always have a place in my heart#.diaries#also when i first played i was very mentally ill + just started uni + was considering quitting so maes character resonated SO hard w me#and when i replayed i was home bc of covid..... just. yeah. so many things#games made perfectly just for me#i should dig out some of my old nitw fanart to post on my art acc omg
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all my love
based on this request (by @cienlvrs )
synopsis — vernon is a quiet person but he doesn't realise you see all his love.
pairing — vernon x gn!reader
word count — 746
warnings — hint of insecurities but it's not elaborated on, reader gets fired from work, tiredness
genre/s — non idol au, quiet x hyper, fluff
a/n — this is for @caratsland 's October event! a little sappy but wtf I love vernon sm 🥲
...My love only amounts to this
vernon is not a verbal person. he's always been the quiet one in his friend groups. during the beginning of your relationship it would usually be you who would initiate conversations. don't get it wrong, staying in silence with vernon is amazing but you liked his voice. there were moments where you wondered if vernon liked u the way u liked him. and he knew that. he felt immense love for you but he could never express it. did his love only amount to this?
....Me, who doesn’t know what to do.
What can I possibly do?
I’m sincerely sorry.
My love only amounts to this
But thank you for staying by my side
My baby
as you guys went on, you realised he loved you more than words could express. his love was quiet not silent. you guys got more comfortable with eachother, comfortable in your dynamic of you blabbering your heart out and vernon listing intently with short answers. it might seem rude to an outsider, but to you it was love. you loved vernons love. he was worried he wasn't doing enough, so he always did more. your rough days were rough for him too. he never knew how to respond to your hour long rants about how hard life is. he never knew what to say or what to do to make you feel better. so he listened, hoping itll be enough for you.
...I can do everything for you.
I only have a big heart that wants to give you everything
a year and half into your relationship and vernon was sure he could take a bullet for you. he was sure he could do anything for you. but, what? nothing felt right to do. he wanted to take you out on fancy dates but you always preferred his dates at home and so did he. he wanted to do something special but he never understood what the special was to you. he wants to give everything in the world to you and he wants you to receive. so do you. vernon doesn't realize you see him clean the kitchen after you say you're tired. vernon doesn't realise you see him work endless nights so that both of you could have the future you aspire to. vernon doesn't realise you see him look at you like you're his whole world. vernon doesn't realise you see his big heart.
..My love only amounts to this.
But my heart won’t change
three years into your relationship and vernon talks a lot more now. he tried his best to give more than a word answers, he tried his best for you to notice that he's listing. he's loved you since the day he saw you at his local music shop in the same asile as him and he loves you now. he knows his love for you is immeasurable, he knows it'll never fade. he knows no matter what happens you'll always be his beginning, middle and end but he still feels like it's less. he measures his love in an amount and for him it's not much. but he knows, no matter what happens, his heart won't change.
...I’ll be your umbrella when it rains.
I’ll protect you throughout all your days
now as u stand in your home, you're content. it's hard to remember how many years you have been with vernon. time flew and you heart stayed the same. your house is quiet mostly, vernon still basking in his silence like he always has. he has moments where he makes it obvious that he feels not good enough, but you're here to remind him u see it. you saw it when u ranted to vernon for the first time about getting a bad grade in math and the next day he got you new pens and suggested to sit with you and help you solve workbooks. you saw it when you got fired from your first job and he spend the next 3weeks driving to place to place. you saw it when he was there for you when no one else was. you've both realised you're going to be each other's forever. vernon says he'd like to be your umbrella on the bad days. little does he know, he's the reason the bad days dont seem so stormy anymore. you give him all your love, and he gives you all of his.
#caratsland#seventeen#seventeen series#svt fluff#seventeen x reader#seventeen imagines#seventeen fluff#seventeen vernon#vernon fluff#vernon imagines#hansol vernon chwe#vernon#hansol x y/n#hansol x reader#seventeen hansol#choi hansol#vernon chwe#svt imagine#svt drabbles#svt fanfic#svt#svt vernon#—nr.requests
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Honestly thats probably the best way to approach the series. Its best consumed i think as an average high school comedy that quickly hits you with wayyy more layers than you think
sometimes people will go "wait, haruhi is a supernatural anime???" and i have to like. stop and consider what the Average Non-Anime-Enjoyer thinks the series even is
#haruhi#for a tone comparison id say its like a cross between toradora and steins gate with a dash of the melancholy of serial experiments lain#you get out of the series what you put into it#a lot of people see it as a quirky high school anime with gimmicky supernatural plots#and then you have people like me that sees just how smart the writer is and how deep he writes the layers to this story that you just#spend all day thinking about it#ive said it before but this series taught me how to be introspective#so itll always hold a special place in my heart for that reason
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honestly after rereading arc 2 ive realized that ive come to like the idea of qinter than the actual canon version of it.
like at the end of the day ive been a qinter fan since i was in third grade so of course im going to be biased towards it and itll always hold a special place in my heart but i must say that a lot of their canon interactions were just qibli making jabs at winter to a point where it sort of seemed like he didn't like it anymore?? if that makes sense?? dont get me wrong i love the sunshine x grumpy dynamic but with them idk.
i cant lie i feel like the entire jade winglet completely cut winter off and they were always against him even though literally he was completely justified in pretty much everything he did?? like im sorry but him going to save hailstorm (HIS BROTHER THAT HE THOUGHT WAS DEAD FOR YEARS) rather than going to look for the ancient nightwing who has killed hundreds of his tribe was perfectly reasonable. the vase scene was completely reasonable (could you imagine YOUR best friends defending the man who put you under a spell and wanted to commit genocide on your people and wipe them out entirely?? id be pissed as hell). to an extent, winter being suspicious about moon and the cave explosion was reasonable (i do agree that he came off as very aggressive in that, but at the same time you have to see things from his point of view. how WOULD she have known about the bomb?? not to mention how hes been conditioned and indoctrinated to distrust nightwings).
i feel like qibli especially comes at winter for these things and tells him that hes wrong for it and that hes being toxic even though hes LITERALLY NOT. and the whole thing with him saying that if he had animus magic that he would change winter's personality always rubbed me the wrong way. i feel like toxic is too strong of a word but i dont think that theyd be necessarily healthy together, not until theyve matured a little more and have found better ways to cope with their past traumas instead of repressing it and putting on this charming guy who makes jabs at people persona or taking it out on other people through anger and frustration.
in all honesty i feel like tui shouldve gone with moon not making a choice in the qibli/winter/moon love triangle to sort of show that you dont need to be with someone to be happy and that its okay to stay as just friends– icl, thats how i thought that it was going to end when i first read arc 2. i feel as though moonbli was a little rushed, and i do like the idea of winterwatcher (just like i do with qinter) but i dont think that he's emotionally ready for a relationship. also this is unrelated but when initially reading book 6 i thought that moon was going to end up with turtle; ive always thought that theyd be cute together lol.
im thinking about it now and i really like the idea of turtle and winter but i cant for the life of me remember if theyve ever had any one on one interactions. if theres anything please can someone send in reblogs ..
im getting off topic now so tldr i like the version of qinter that exists in my head but i feel like they shouldnt be together in canon, not at least until they sort out their own issues.
#rave rambles#i feel like this is really incoherent but its ok#wof#wings of fire#qinter#winter wof#qibli wof#qibli x winter
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Are you normal obsessed about pjo or me obsessed? Like trying to figure out who's wld be their parent god constantly and make posts about it for themselves
ohhhhh definitely you obsessed
like pjo was my first fandom so obviously itll always have a special place in my heart (since i was 7!!!)
but like idk it itches my brain just right. im ALWAYS thinking about pjo (even if i dont post it)
yeah when i was around liiike maybe 10 or 11 years old i came up with this INTENSE self lore about who i would be in the riordanverse it was. crazy honestly.
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Me, couple of months before i started working a job where they playing radio music all the time: i am in the phase where i listen to the most pop music in my life ykno i used to be so into old school metal and punk and industrial and noise and goth music and itll always hold a special place in my heart but at this point of my life early 2010s electropop makes me happy and brightens my day blablablabla
Me, after having worked a job where they playing radio music all the time for 1,5 year: I AM NOT LOWERING MYSELF TO LISTENING TO ANYTHING LESS FUCKED UP THAN GRINDCORE ERA CARCASS ON MY TIME OFF I WILL NOT BE YOUR LAW ABIDING CITIZEN WORKER CUSTOMER YOU CAN SELL THIS SHIT TO. THIS IS SPIRITUAL WARFARE U WONT TURN ME INTO THE KIND OF PERSON THAT GENUINELY ENJOYS IMAGINE DRAGONS AND IS HAPPY TO HEAR THEM OH THEY PLAYED THEM IN THE STORE HOW COOL I WILL BUY SHIT AND BE MOTIVATED TO WORK MY ASS OFF U CAN FORCE ME TO LISTEN TO THEM 10 TIMES A DAY YOU WILL NOT BREAK MY SPIRIT. I HATE YOUR STUPID RADIO I CANT WAIT TO GO HOME AND LISTEN TO SOME BANDCAMP RANDO. FUCK COMPOSE FUCK MELODY DEDICATED TO NO ONE THANKS TO NO ONE ART IS OVER
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modern adaptation webseries you say?
oh yeah i never finished it but if u havent seen carmilla the series i do recommend at least like the first season or so. it kinda goes off the rails and becomes its own thing after a time but thats not rly a bad thing. its fun! sorta like if teenwolf was made for lesbians if that makes sense.
also possibly the first place i saw a nonbinary character after my own coming out so itll always have a special place in my heart for that <3
#ask#carmilla#carmilla the series#its like a found footage-y style college au fanfic#which isnt gonna be everyones thing but its fun if ur willing to sorta meet it where its at imo#i fell off after s2 but if theres any completionists out there lemme know if its worth getting back into
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just discovering hor FIRE taylor swift really is! i need your top 10 taylor songs, NOW
AHHHHHHHH OHMYGOSH RLLY?!?!?!? IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT YOU HAVE NO IDEA
(im answering this literally thirty seconds after you submitted it thats how stoked i am)
SO. MY. TOP. TEN. TAYLOR SONGS. i like to be dramatic so like im going down from ten to one to save the best for last
10. new years day. idk what more to say than that i rlly rock w this song its rlly sweet n romantic <3
9. crazier. its the song that made me a swiftie n itll always have a special place in my heart <3
8. electric touch. its a fall out boy crossover WHAT ELSE DO I HAFTA SAY
7. last kiss. ok so this is hands down her saddest song thats abt romance. like you WILL cry like a little bitch at that bridge.
6. you are in love. her second most romantic song yet i'd argue!!
5. invisible string. her most romantic song yet i'd argue!!! (yes we're ignoring what become of the relationship she wrote this abt)
4. cruel summer. BANGER. thats it thats all i hafta say. shit goes hard.
3. champagne problems. bestie taylor should be an ENGINEER with how well she built that bridge holy FUCK. the storytelling in this is jus CHEFS KISS
2. youre on your own, kid. NO SONG will ever speak to me like this one does. lynn if you find yourself relating to this song then im sorry n i'll see you in therapy. (even tho this is my second favorite taylor song, its the one i answer with when ppl ask me what my favorite is so i dont look like a basic bitch)
1.... and the number one pick is all too well!!! which, sigh, i KNOW is the basic bitch answer I KNOW. but ive been rocking w this bitch since 2012 n yknow what its POPULAR FOR A REASON. both the original n ten minute versions slap so i'd recommend giving em both a listen
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Have you ever just sit down and mind your own business and then your mind just "GOOD BOY GONE BAD , GOOD BOY GONE BAD , GONE BOY GONE BADDDDD" 😔
I MISSED THIS ERA SO MUCH
GBGB ERA DESERVED MORE APPRECIATION CAUSE IT STAYS IN MY BRAIN 24/7 😭 maybe bcuz it was my first cb with them BUT ITLL ALWAYS HAVE A SPECIAL PLACE IN MY HEART </3 esp the hate concept photos um 😃 THAT LEATHER WAS DOING SMTH LET ME TELL U
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Anonymous said: did the new episode disappoint you? why do you miss the old days?
I've never answered an ask on mobile before so hopefully this doesn't look terrible or break everything. But figured I would try while I'm on my lunch break.
First though, I am happy for people who enjoyed it. So no hate to anyone who did! But for me personally, yeah, it did disappoint me. I was already very skeptical of it because I naturally am when an anime gets ahead of the source material, hence I'm waiting to really share any thoughts till the Manga to see if itll be the same or diverge.
I'm mainly disappointed but not surprised by the lack of consequences. No one really seems to die except for those from the past and one here or there as we see. Obviously I seriously doubted that Dazai would die, as did most of the fandom as far as I've seen. But that's the thing. It was supposed to be dramatic and shocking but it really wasn't. Especially for manga readers who thought Nikolai was gone forever and then nope he's fine. Anime only viewers ever got that long period. It's just that time after time, there's never any REAL consequences. These life and death situations are presented but they basically never REALLY are. Which to be fair, I suppose was very heavily obvious given Naomi surviving all the way back in like the second or third episode. But it makes me just go "eh okay" to what SHOULD be a big deal because...it never is. Not with the main cast but even a lot of the side characters too. And I know we have the Fyodor bit but I have Doubts on that. Outside of maybe legitimately losing an arm. Maybe.
And Chuuya knowing everything and faking it, everything loses so much value to it and cheapens a lot of moments. Now it wasn't really a trial or anything of the sort. The speeches meant nothing, it was all just...nothing. like don't get me wrong, I like SKK team ups, I adore them. But the fact it...wasn't really serious for them is disappointing.
These are just some of my initial thoughts about it, and just my opinion. I guess the fact a lot of my other series have also been doing stuff like this (or gone absolutely off the rails) has just makes me more disappointed as well. In regards to the old days, I just miss before when I was ACTUALLY concerned or worried when things happened, when moments had their impact. BSD has a special place in my heart, and it always will, but it's been a long time since things had impact like when I first joined the fandom way back when. And again, no hate or anything to anyone who enjoyed it! I'm glad they can! I just personally didn't.
#ooc || an absolute mythology nerd#bsd spoilers#i hope this makes some sense#i can / might elaborate some more#when i get home from work#i just miss things having consequences tbh#PERMANENT consequences i should say
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sorry im late but 4, 12, 14 for the female character ask game
im sorry im late holy shit anyways hi zorua! 💜
4. A heroine you love?
EIRIKA FIRE EMBLEM MY BELOVED 🩷🩷🩷 im gonna be honest my memory of sacred stones is hazy, but it was my first dip into gba fire emblem and eirika (and ephraim i suppose but he doesnt make an appearance until a bit into the earlygame) was my introduction to that era of fe and for that she’ll always have a special place in my heart. also spoilers for ss but idk. i dont think she was stupid for handing it over to lyon bc hello? are we forgetting he’s her childhood best friend???? of course she trusts him! “oh but i wouldnt have done that” YOU CAN SEE THE VILLAINS PERSPECTIVE YOU FUCK. SHE CANNOT!!! worst discourse ever. eirika get behind me
12. An interesting female friendship?
i dont know if this counts as friendship or romance (its been a while since i read it and i dont remember if the queerness was real or if i was imagining it) but have you guys ever read the haunting of hill house by shirley jackson. i actually dont want to say too much bc i think everyone should read it. been thinking about rereading it myself! dont tell me anything about the netflix version though. i dont care. itll never be the book and i cried when i googled the title and the first thing that came up was the show. my life is over. yes im an annoying book > tv/movies person sorry
14. An interesting familial relationship with female characters?
iris and dahlia hawthorne from ace attorney. spoilers for aa3 but i think the idea that you can be so loyal and loving to someone the way that iris was to dahlia that you’d go so far as to impersonate her to let her get away with murder is soooo. urrgghhhhhjkjffkeiahdh. and i dont remember they specified but i think the fact that they left it up in the air as to whether or not dahlia actually loved her back is really fun! did dahlia know iris loved phoenix? was it a mercy that she let their relationship go on as long as it did? or just a misguided error that came to bite her in the ass later? i dont know and i love that! theyre so much fun and theyre so interesting and god i need to replay trials and tribulations.
#FORGOT THE READ MORE SORRYYYY#asks#sorry again for taking like five years#or at least its felt like five years for me#normally i try to answer asks asap but i got this ask and i was like omg zorua my friend zorua :)#and then life came and kicked me in the face like five times over#it still is but like. wanted to answer this 🥹 wanted to talk about women 🥹#ok i checked its only been like 3-4 days. but i feel like ive lived three months this past week so i dont know
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just an announcement; my hyperfixation for Over the Garden Wall has ended :( just saying this because many people followed me because of it, so if you followed me because of it you have the right to unfollow. I ended up having no more content left to sustain my extreme love for it and I haven’t drawn any fanart of it in a while.
Not saying i dont like it anymore, itll always have a special place in my heart as one of my favorite cartoons that made me have a love for autumn. Who knows? Maybe I’ll watch it again when its fall again and get back into it.
As of now, i am in the midst of a huge hyperfixation of South Park, so that is what i’ll mostly be posting.
Sorry for the inconvenience. I love you all 🥰❤️❤️ :)
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2022: A Summary
Post your most popular and/or favorite edit/gifset from each month (it’s okay to skip months!)
tagged by (1) @hoe-biwan (2) @casualavocados (3) @dramaism (4) @i-got-the-feels & (5) @talays-portkey 💛💛 WOW thank you all for thinking of me, happy to oblige (also gonna plug the one i did last year for edits i made in 2021; idek why i formatted the post that way maybe dont look at it fjslkd just go look at everyone elses)
January most popular — bad buddy ep10 quote set: itll always be the most memorable quote set, since it was the first live ep that i caught after binging it favorite(s) — 1) bad buddy + giovanni’s bedroom: i remember seeing a photoshoot set with this format and knew i wanted to replicate it (prior to this i usually am insp by quotes first, worry about formats/layouts later); 2) bad buddy + hadestown “promises”: because im so predictable and still think about them when i hear the song
February most popular — bad buddy + kaveh akbar quote: the fact that the most popular edit ended up being the valentines day post is so satisfying favorite(s) — bad buddy + pride & prejudice: i actually thought that this was going to be the most popular and it was a close race (eight notes apart lol)
March most popular — bad buddy random screencap #19: a requested screencap that is most beloved by all, what else is there to say favorite(s) — 1) semantic error ep2 set: of all the episodic sets i made for the show, i really liked how this came together thematically; 2) the good place + eleanor quote: i can only count in one hand edits that i’ve thought about making for YEARS before actually making it, but this is prob up on top of the rest, in terms of execution
April most popular — doctor who + the girl who died quote: i think my defining trait in my dw edits is flipping quotes between the two and even though it’s not a new concept to do them, im never not thinking about them and what other moments to edit with favorite(s) — bad buddy + jane eyre: don’t get me wrong, the clara edit is also a fave, but this is tied for best because look at them 😭
May most popular — star wars + leia/padme parallel: not my first sw edit, but the first one ive done while a show was airing; also would like to shout out to the screencap galleries out there for both the sw series and movies, the real mvps favorite(s) — moon knight + head/heart/hands: i have an inside joke with myself with this edit and the tags give it way a bit lol
June most popular — star wars + anakin/darth progression: ofc this is the edit with the most notes overall. hellsite pls never change lol favorite(s) — 1) doctor who + weeping angels: not sure what it about me and making my edits as complicated as possible because it becomes a whole mental marathon, with just me and my phone but im proud of this one; 2) vice versa + series trailer: ive repeated this sentiment in other posts so i wont go into it again here, but this edit will also be so special for me
July most popular — star wars + princess leia: hi, miss you space mom favorite(s) — vice versa ep3 + caitlyn siehl: i think of all the episodic edits, there’s only a fair few that doesn’t carry the flipped/mirrored text effect; all this to say that i am very happy how this one turned out, out of all the versions of the effects (PLUS this quote still makes me teary eyed in hindsight, ugh baby boi i KNOW what youre capable of I KNOW)
August most popular — taylor swift + midnights announcement: i knew that i wanted to make something ts related after having made a few for red tv, so this came together pretty quickly favorite(s) — sense8 + birthday!: i love that a few tags from other ppl pointed out a lack of Will… it’s, uh, intentional lmao
September most popular — the little mermaid + D23 teaser: i still get chills favorite(s) — vice versa ep11 part one: look, i dont miss making these edits each week because, again, the mental marathon i put myself through lol but ep11 [1/4] is now imprinted on my soul and i could not do the ep justice in ONE post (i also made myself cry making the last edit but thats not why its my fav lol)
October most popular — doctor who + regen redux parallel: 50th anniv ep, my beloved favorite(s) — 1) bad buddy + mastermind lyrics: absolutely not my original idea lol but one that i reallllly wanted to make once it consumed my waking hours; 2) vice versa ep12 quote set: its a real color to me
November most popular AND favorite — andor + maarva quote: WHAT A SHOW! WHAT A QUOTE! WHAT A CHARACTER!! I MISS IT TERRIBLY
December most popular — doctor who + google search: it seriously warms my heart that the most popular edit ended being my birthday post and with my most beloved, my url namesake, my queen favorite(s) — reset + best 2022 series: i mean, the clara edit is also def a faaav fav, but i’m so attached to this show and worked so hard to make this for sam lmao (not sure what it is about the two-row sets that are really intimidating to me but thats a whole other matter) very few ppl know how long ive been dyinggg to make this all year, so i was so happy to see that someone requested it. im gonna look at it a little longer before i post this... *sigh*
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i think everyone has been tagged at this point, but feel free to make one yourself if you have not been tagged yet and tag me
#this is jessi#tagged#tag meme#if anyone wants to try it yourself#i got myself into a 100 day challenge at the top of last year#making one or two edits a day until you've reached a limit#well it only worked for me because it was solely driven by creativity overload#made it to maybe.... upper 80s low 90s??#didnt make it to 100 but i was close#its not for everyone but its a practice i honed in art school#all this to say that it was important for me to go thru that challenge#i need to experience all that to make all the edits i produced from april onwards#i dont think i will be making as much as i did in 2022 this year#but i hope to be tagged again next year and laugh at these tags
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8/6/2024
first time in a long time that i feel like my heart is getting torn in two and so big itll burst at the same time. im so overcome by melancholy i can hardly breathe. moving more things in slowly to my new place, staying what may very well be the last night i ever sleep at my old place tonight. having my heart pushed by sam, slight and hopeful. i remembered this morning while perching on the windowsill that truly the thing that made this apartment special was i was never lonely. i am so, so lonely these days. im frightened ill get even lonelier. the light in the night from the stars and clouds is so bright at my new place, everything cast in a strange purplish glow. it felt good to be back, dear god. like everything is moving again after being stationary for so long. i feel like crying, i think i just might. i got the job at the ceramic studio, my schedule is so overloaded im not sure how to juggle it all. susan would be proud and mad at the same time, i think. theyll tell me i need to stop running i think. i dont know how to live a life not at full speed anymore, like im running down a hill forever these days. i am so incredibly indescribably crushingly lonely. how did i ever get by feeling this lonely i think its actually killing me. i want a reason not to work so much. i want a reason to look up from what im doing at my life. i want a reason for someone to come and peer into me like the mouth of a jar. i miss g sometimes, it feels like a strange dream now that we ever did what we did. everything feels like something im saying in a book whenever i describe the events of my life to myself to examine.
when is life not fiction? fiction makes things tenable. flashes of things like opening a box full of glistening copper cookware and spinning black wool barefoot in the yard while watching the poppy seedheads sway in the breeze and listening to c play accordion. the stunned pause i hear on the phone when i invite s into my bed, the flattened view of the white water tower on the east hill against the greying sky from my windowsill. blackberries and pale apples so wan theyre almost white. indigo staining my fingertips and nails, indigo tied around my neck and growing in cups on my kitchen counter. indigo and saw in my dreams. feeling a little trapped again. i dont know how to make room for my relationships anymore...and ive noticed i dont want to make room for them when they arent giving me what i want. if i lose interest they immediately become less of a priority to me. i feel bad for my fickleness, i feel bad for my inattention, i feel bad for my standoffishness and moods- i try to remind myself that there isnt an inherent morality to those things and i want to be given something to stay for. ive been thinking and not thinking of h telling me we wouldnt be together forever. hes always trying to walk it back since he said it but i cant stop thinking of the fact that he brought up wanting to have kids so many times in the course of our relationship. i wanna let my heart break how it needs to. i wanna let go and i want someone to catch me on the other side. i know i can do numbers in this town, im so much bigger than this place. i am so other in so many ways to this place. i think i should start going out again and i should flirt with strangers and laugh and feel myself. i think i should keep at least two days off in my schedule a week if i can. ill cook a lot again in my new kitchen, i like it so much better than ive ever liked this one. kitchen window! i will miss my apartment more than i can even comprehend right now. already though its begun to feel like everyone is filing out and turning empty. i love doing the dishes before bed or before leaving the house. i love eating breakfast on my porch. i love the walk and bus ride to town. i love my proximity to the forest and the beach. i love the quiet and unsettling hum of the west hill. i dont know where ill go next or who i will meet or who i will love. i wish in some ways it was a cleaner slate, like that first summer here. everything changed and no longer in its place. i had a burning freedom that shifted something deep inside of me. i wish i didnt still think of him as the arbiter of that moment in time, i was my own agent...we were agent to each other. i miss dreaming of nyc. i am still so wrapped in my desire to prove myself. i am so wrapped in my desire to outcompete my rival affection. just another flagstone to tap my toe against as i push off. im gonna go for what might be my last walk tonight. maybe ill try and do the full circuit, maybe ill be too tired. i wish s was still awake. i know ive got to just go and cry by myself though. i dont know who to share my heart with anymore. who can look into this and understand me? it feels good to write something, even brief. it is all bitterly long and brief.
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20, 12, 17, 18, and 6 for the ask game
20. favourite musical for sentimental reasons
i HAVE to say falsettos. just because it means so much to me as a queer person. and it makes me SO emotional and i just think that out of all the musicals i know of its the one ive thought most about?? like theres so many themes and so much symbolism to unravel if youre up for it and yeah. i think itll always hold a special place in my heart
also wicked!! its the first musical i saw, and its one of the few shows ive had the honor of seeing MULTIPLE times!!! and the second time was on a class trip i remember very fondly regardless, sooooo
12. favourite musical that’s no longer on broadway
little shop of horrors!!! it had a broadway run, but i think people have said it almost works better in a more intimate space, and ive seen it and agree!! its off-broadway now, and has a rotating cast of VERY big names in broadway (jeremy jordan, darren criss who was on glee, christian borle, hell even the drag queen jinkx monsoon!!!). if you ever get a chance to go see it i highly recommend!! its a very good show
17. favourite musical that you’re ashamed to like
i feel like this could be a basic answer.... but hamilton. i think its pretty polarizing and i dont really LOVE it anymore, but it was the first musical i really got into, and it holds a special place in my heart just for that.
its a little old to me now so i wont listen to it voluntarily, but i still know EVERY word and will not hesitate if someone puts it on efufdjfuiegr
18. favourite musical you never talk/blog about
i LOVE hadestown and something about is just so cool to me. i cried SO much watching it and flowers is UGHFUGHFDJFHG such a good song. honestly??? any song with eva noblezada is a song im in love with (im in love with HER)
idk why i dont talk about it!!! i think that some musicals are easy to talk about because the characters are silly to me or whatever but with hadestown its more of a core message ahd the theme and the atmosphere and the songs that make me love it
6. favourite musical you’ve seen live
ugh thats hard because ive had the privilege of seeing a lot of shows!! i think i have to go with ride the cyclone though, because theres something you just cant beat about seeing a musical youve LOVED for a while and youve talked so much about but that youd never thought youd get to see live. so that was really neat and it was a lot of fun because i got to bring some friends with me who also loved the show and share that experience with them :))
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