#so it's like... these are kids who've known each other for years!) and he's got this obvious fucking crush on her (the hallway scene where

[ectonurites]

SUPER DARK TIMES (2017) DIR. KEVIN PHILLIPS

[infiniteglitterfall]

know someone who enjoys horror stories? share this one! it's true!

hahahahahahahahahaha aarrggghhhhhhhhhh 3,000,000 deaths due to COVID-19 last year. Globally. Three million. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. The reason people are still worried about COVID is because it has a way of quietly fucking up your body. And the risk is cumulative.

I'm going to say that again: the risk is cumulative.

It's not just that a lot of people get bad long-term effects from it. One in seven or so? Enough that it's kind of the Russian Roulette of diseases. It's also that the more times you get it, the higher that risk becomes. Like if each time you survived Russian Roulette, the empty chamber was removed from the gun entirely. The worst part is that, psychologically, we have the absolute opposite reaction. If we survive something with no ill effects, we assume it's pretty safe. It is really, really hard to override that sense of, "Ok, well, I got it and now I probably have a lot of immunity and also it wasn't that bad." It is not a respiratory disease. Airborne, yes. Respiratory disease, no: not a cold, not a flu, not RSV.

Like measles (or maybe chickenpox?), it starts with respiratory symptoms. And then it moves to other parts of your body. It seems to target the lungs, the digestive system, the heart, and the brain the most.

It also hits the immune system really hard - a lot of people are suddenly more susceptible to completely unrelated viruses. People get brain fog, migraines, forget things they used to know.

(I really, really hate that it can cross the blood-brain barrier. NOTHING SHOULD EVER CROSS THE BLOOD-BRAIN BARRIER IT IS THERE FOR A REASON.) Anecdotal examples of this shit are horrifying. I've seen people talk about coworkers who've had COVID five or more times, and now their work... just often doesn't make sense? They send emails that say things like, "Sorry, I didn't mean Los Angeles, I meant Los Angeles."

Or they insist they've never heard of some project that they were actually in charge of a year or two before.

Or their work is just kind of falling apart, and they don't seem to be aware of it.

People talk about how they don't want to get the person in trouble, so their team just works around it. Or they describe neighbors and relatives who had COVID repeatedly, were nearly hospitalized, talked about how incredibly sick they felt at the time... and now swear they've only had it once and it wasn't bad, they barely even noticed it.

(As someone who lived with severe dissociation for most of my life, this is a genuinely terrifying idea to me. I've already spent my whole life being like, "but what if I told them that already? but what if I did do that? what if that did happen to me and I just don't remember?") One of its known effects in the brain is to increase impulsivity and risk-taking, which is real fucking convenient honestly. What a fantastic fucking mutation. So happy for it on that one. Yes, please make it seem less important to wear a mask and get vaccinated. I'm not screaming internally at all now.

I saw a tweet from someone last year whose family hadn't had COVID yet, who were still masking in public, including school.

She said that her son was no kind of an athlete. Solidly bottom middle of the pack in gym.

And suddenly, this year, he was absolutely blowing past all the other kids who had to run the mile. He wasn't running any faster. His times weren't fantastic or anything. It's just that the rest of the kids were worse than him now. For some reason. I think about that a lot. (Like my incredibly active six-year-old getting a cold, and suddenly developing post-viral asthma that looked like pneumonia.

He went back to school the day before yesterday, after being home for a month and using preventative inhalers for almost week.

He told me that it was GREAT - except that he couldn't run as much at recess, because he immediately got really tired. Like how I went outside with him to do some yard work and felt like my body couldn't figure out how to increase breathing and heart rate.

I wasn't physically out of breath, but I felt like I was out of breath. That COVID feeling people describe, of "I'm not getting enough air." Except that I didn't have that problem when I had COVID.) Some people don't observe any long (or medium) term side effects after they have it.

But researchers have found viral reservoirs of COVID-19 in everyone they've studied who had it.

It just seems to hang out, dormant, for... well, longer than we've had an opportunity to observe it, so far.

(I definitely watched that literal horror movie. I think that's an entire genre. The alien dormant under ice in the Arctic.)

(oh hey I don't like that either!!!!!!!!!) All of which is to explain why we should still care about avoiding it, and how it manages to still cause excess deaths. Measuring excess deaths has been a standard tool in public health for a long time.

We know how many people usually die from all different causes, every year. So we can tell if, for example, deaths from heart disease have gone way up in the past three years, and look for reasons. Those are excess deaths: deaths that, four years ago, would not have happened. During the pandemic, excess death rates have been a really important tool. For all sorts of reasons. Like, sometimes people die from COVID without ever getting tested, and the official cause is listed as something else because nobody knows they had COVID. But also, people are dying from cardiovascular illness much younger now.

People are having strokes and heart attacks younger, and more often, than they did before the pandemic started. COVID causes a lot of problems. And some of those problems kill people. And some of them make it easier for other things to kill us. Lung damage from COVID leading to lungs collapsing, or to pneumonia, or to a pulmonary embolism, for example. The Economist built a machine-learning model with a 95% confidence interval that gauges excess death statistics around the world, to tell them what the true toll of the ongoing COVID pandemic has been so far.

Total excess deaths globally in 2023: Three million.

3,000,000.

Official COVID-19 deaths globally so far: Seven million. 7,000,000. Total excess deaths during COVID so far: Thirty-five point two million. 35,200,000.

Five times as many.

That's bad. I don't like that at all. I'm glad last year was less than a tenth of that. I'm not particularly confident about that continuing, though, because last year we started a period of really high COVID transmission. Case rates higher than 90% of the rest of the pandemic. Here's their data, and charts you can play with, and links to detailed information on how they did all of this:

Here's a non-paywalled link to it:

https://archive.vn/2024.01.26-012536/https://www.economist.com/graphic-detail/coronavirus-excess-deaths-estimates

Oh: here's a link to where you can buy comfy, effective N95 masks in all sizes:

Those ones are about a buck each after shipping - about $30 for a box of 30. They also have sample packs for a dollar, so you can try a couple of different sizes and styles.

You can wear an N95 mask for about 40 total hours before the effectiveness really drops, so that's like a dollar for a week of wear.

They're also family-owned and have cat-shaped masks and I really love them. These ones are cuter and in a much wider range of colors, prints, and styles, but they're also more expensive; they range from $1.80 to $3 for a mask. ($18-$30 for a box of ten.)

[starryeyedjanai]

how long am i gonna be young and lost?

@eddiemonth day 2 prompt: Friendship | Gen | 1.3k

read on ao3

When Eddie moved to Hawkins at age 15, he didn't know how he was supposed to make friends.

Everyone here in this tiny little town already knew each other. All the kids in his grade had grown up together, had known each other since they were little.

Everyone already had set friend groups. He looked around the lunch room on the first day, sitting alone, and saw the way they were all grouped off.

There were the most popular kids in the center of the room, loud and brash in a way that told him that no one had ever told them to quiet down before. They took up too much space at their table even though there were less of them than there were of the other groups.

There were the different jock groups, tangentially popular, who were equally as loud as the kids in the center of the cafeteria.

He made sure to get a good look at both of those groups so he knew who to avoid - there was no way any of those people were going to end up being his friend.

There were different groups of normal looking kids scattered around the cafeteria, chatting and laughing, and Eddie felt a pang in his chest looking at all of them.

He hadn't had many friends at his old school, none that he would be calling up at the end of the day to tell them how much he missed them, but he kind of wished he had at least that. His dad had an unstable job that made them move around a lot, so he never could settle down in one place and really make lasting friendships.

He knows it's pathetic, but he just wanted even one person who would miss him when he moved.

But he was only at his last school for less than three months when his dad got arrested - like actual crime arrested this time, going to prison for a long time kind of arrested - and now he's here, in this new place, watching all of the other kids who've had the lifelong friendships that he envies. It fucking sucks.

He looks around and doesn't see many people dressed like him - not a lot of band tees with bands he recognizes in this crowd of normies - and he resigns himself to another year of people watching, observing and looking in from the outside.

He ends up being right. The school year was almost over when he moved and he doesn't really make friends with any of these people.

His sophomore year isn't really any better. People mostly stay away from him, which is better than being bullied, but he somehow gets a reputation for being a "freak" even though he hasn't talked to anyone much and has mostly kept his head down.

After someone calls him a freak to his face the first week of his junior year, he hisses at him and bares his teeth and watches the guy flinch back like he's actually scared of Eddie. He laughs and thinks that if people are going to call him a freak, he might as well act like one.

There's a little freshman watching that interaction with wide eyes and Eddie just grins at him before turning back to his locker.

The kid walks up to him and says, "That was so cool," right as the bell rings, signaling that they only have a few minutes to get to class.

Eddie snorts. "Sure it was," he says, grabbing his notebooks for the next couple classes.

"I saw you earlier this week and saw the Metallica patch on your bag. I wanted to come up to you then, but you're way too cool to want to hang out with a freshman," the kid says and Eddie turns to look at him.

Eddie can't help the way his stomach flutters at the thought of someone thinking he's cool.

"Didn't you hear? I'm the school freak," he sneers anyway just so this kid knows what he's getting himself into since he apparently thinks Eddie's cool.

"I heard," he says. He stretches out his hand. "I'm Jeff."

He looks at Jeff's outstretched hand for a second before he shakes it. "Eddie. You do know hanging out with me is gonna label you as a freak too, right?"

Jeff grins at him and shrugs. "I don't mind being a freak. Beats whatever they've got going on," he says, nodding over to where some jocks are shoving at each other.

He's right. There's way too much in-fighting amongst the popular kids. Eddie's been nosily trying to keep track of who's fighting over what and he thinks those two guys are both into the same cheerleader. His bet is that punches will be thrown after school and they'll be back to slapping each other on the back tomorrow.

"So you're into Metallica?" Eddie asks and Jeff nods eagerly. "You wanna skip next period? We can listen in my van maybe. I've got some other stuff you might like, too."

Jeff hesitates for a moment before grimacing and saying, "My mom would kill me if I skipped."

"Just this once?" Eddie asks, his right hand clenched on his notebook. He doesn't know why it feels like if he lets Jeff out of his sight, he's never going to see him again. This school is pretty small - he could find him if he really wanted to. But if Jeff wants to avoid him, he could probably find a way.

"No can do, man. You'll understand when you meet my mom. She's the worst to disappoint. We could listen after school if you want though," Jeff says.

When you meet my mom, he said, like he's sure they'll be friends long enough for that to happen.

Eddie breathes out and says, "Sure. Meet me back here at the end of the day?"

Jeff nods and opens his mouth to say something, but the bell rings again, signaling that they're both late for class.

"Get to class," Eddie says when Jeff looks like he's going to stick around and wait for Eddie to finish putting his stuff in his bag.

Jeff says, "See you later," before waving and hurrying off to class.

Eddie just shakes his head and hopes that Jeff was serious about meeting him later.

He's fidgety during the last few classes of the day, even more so in his last class, counting the minutes until class ends. He's the first out of the door when the bell rings.

He shoves his stuff in his locker and tries to breathe. He doesn't want to look desperate or anxious if Jeff decides to show up.

He watches as everyone around him filters out of the hallway to go home and tries not to visibly react when Jeff materializes next to him with another kid by his side.

"Hey, Eddie! I hope it's cool I brought a friend," Jeff says, gesturing to his friend. "His nickname in middle school was, coincidentally, Freak, so I thought he'd fit right in with you." Jeff's smiling as he says it and it doesn't feel at all like when that jerk called him a freak earlier.

Eddie huffs out a laugh and asks, "What's your real name?"

"Frankie," he says, "But I kind of like Freak better."

"Freak it is then," Eddie says. "Do you like metal music?"

"Yeah, I guess. Jeff's been trying to get me into it," Freak says looking over at Jeff.

Jeff rolls his eyes. "I don't have a big collection of music or anything, so it's slow going on the music education front."

"Well I can help you there. I've got some stuff handy if you wanna hang out still," Eddie says, biting his lip.

"Of course we do! Lead the way. I just have to be home before dark because-"

"Your mom, right, right," Eddie says, grinning.

He looks at these two eager little freshmen, and thinks this is going to be fun, before leading them outside.

[duckielover151]

Some Thoughts on Gary and Goh

Journeys isn't my favorite season as a whole... But my opinion of it softened a lot once it was revealed that it would officially be Ash's farewell season. (Traveling from region to region was cool in theory but made for a really disjointed experience in practice, and it meant the new region really got the short end of the stick, as it was barely explored. But giving us a chance to catch back up with nearly all his past travel companions right before we say goodbye was a nostalgic feeling.)

Anyway, this post isn't a full Journeys review or anything. I've just felt more poignantly lately how much I wish the franchise was more of a continuous experience. For older characters to have come back more often than an episode or two a series.

I just rewatched the episode where Goh meets Gary. And this time around, I was struck by what a really great friend Gary makes for Goh. And not just in the sense that they continue to push each other in pursuit of their dreams. (I've said before how Journeys really isn't Ash's story anymore; that it feels like he's been eclipsed as the main character. But I didn't appreciate until just now that Goh's even stolen his old rival...)

Goh can definitely be a little annoying at times, but I do feel like he's one of the best characters Pokemon has ever created. They've painted a really clear picture of his past and what made him who he is today, something kind of rare for Pokemon characters.

I can totally see how he struggled to learn social skills and connect with others, raised by parents who were too busy with work to spend much time with him and a grandmother who clearly loves him... but already put in her time as a parent and is ready to have her own life again. I feel like that flows really naturally into him being that know-it-all kind of kid who clings to the research he does in place of making friends. Which is why it's so satisfying to see Ash win him over, see him open up to his first real friend... And why it's a little sad every time he's visibly jealous of how close Ash is with is mother, how standoffish and defensive he gets when he meets the friends who've known Ash longer.

Another character who I feel does have that kind of depth-- but has never gotten to be quite so front and center about it-- is Gary. Gary maturing over time... isn't just one moment, of course, but it feels like an iconic 'moment' in the franchise for me. With him too, I can see how he went from being the arrogant, pampered grandson of this world-renowned professor-- THE world-renowned professor at the time he was created-- to someone who got that arrogance beat back a bit once he actually went out and saw the world for himself. Gary had fans but not friends. I hate that it seems to have all been off-screen, but he also had to learn how to connect with others. He's grown so much over the years that I feel like he and Goh really do make a great pair.

[betaejun]

Music Club 0.1

The music room smells like anxiety and furniture polish. Taejun shifts in his seat, hyper-aware that he's the only one sitting ram-rod straight—a habit from years of his father's military influence that he can't quite shake. Around him, other students sprawl across chairs with the comfortable laziness of people who've known each other forever. Their chatter flows between Korean, what sounds like Mandarin and English, creating a linguistic dance that still makes taejun's head spin sometimes.

"So, new kid," the club president, Hajoon, kicks his feet up on a nearby chair, "word is you've got a YouTube channel."

Taejun's ears burn. He'd hoped to fly under the radar a bit longer, maybe ease into revealing his online presence. "Ah, yeah. Just covers mostly—"

"Just covers?" A girl with electric blue highlights—Minji, he thinks—practically bounces in her seat. "I heard your Bruno Mars cover. Your runs are insane."

The compliment feels like a spotlight, hot and exposing. Taejun fights the urge to shrink into his blazer. "Thanks, but I'm still learning. Especially with Korean songs—"

"Oh my god, yes!" Another boy, lounging on top of a desk with a guitar, perks up. "Do that thing where you mix English and Korean verses. Like your 'Love Scenario' cover but with Post Malone's 'Circles' in the bridge—"

"Yah, Dongwoo, let him breathe," Hajoon laughs, but his eyes are calculating in a way that reminds Taejun of the choir instructor at church when he was little. He didn't like the choir director much. "But seriously, we could use someone with your style. The winter showcase is coming up, and we need something… different."

Different. The word hits like a familiar friend. Taejun's spent his whole life being different—too Asian for Chicago, too American for Seoul. But here, in this sun-drenched music room with its mismatched chairs and wall of dog-eared sheet music, maybe different isn't such a bad thing to be.

"I might have some ideas," he offers, and for the first time since entering the room, his posture relaxes just a fraction.

[mermaidsirennikita]

ARC Review: A Wicked Game by Kate Bateman

4/5. Releases 12/27/2022.

Morgan Davies and Harriet Montgomery have grown up in families that at odds--but while they don't get along, they aren't quite enemies. Before Morgan goes off to sea, Harriet promises him that if he comes back alive, he'll get to give her three kisses--wherever he wants. Years later, he returns after being imprisoned with a whole new perspective. He wants Harriet for his own, not as a friend or an enemy, and he'll use those three kisses as a good little jumping off point for his plans to win her.

So to be super real, this one doesn't have like, a huge PLOTTY PLOT PLOT thing. It's mostly a sexy romantic comedy that focuses on two people who are fun and likable and hot and don't have deep internal issues aside from not quite knowing how to go from friendly rivals to lovers. (I mean, he totally knows how, she's just a bit less experienced.) And normally, I think that would bug me, a supreme lover of angst and fucked upedness and drama. But here? It really didn't. It was pretty delightful. Why?

What Worked:

--Morgan and Harriet have great chemistry and read like two people who've known each other since childhood. And even if they've never been like, confidants, they know one another deeply due to that proximity, and know how to push each other's buttons.

--Tonally speaking, their relationship absolutely had the vibe of the "This Is My Idea" from The Swan Princess, which I know is deeply ingrained in the minds of many romance readers of a certain age. If you liked that, you'll like this. Morgan and Harriet are that without the arranged marriage, and with a good deal more emotional maturity (but not so much that the story is boring) and no insta-love. It's pretty clear that these two have had a thing for each other since they were kids, and it just took some good old-fashioned imprisonment for Morgan to go "ARRANGE THE MARRIAGE!!!"

--The supporting cast is hilarious (I assume we'll get a Rhys book... I mean his name is fucking Rhys and he doesn't wanna get married...?) and anyone who enjoys "everyone can see it" will have a good time with them.

--This is actually a pretty hot trad historical romance, I've gotta say, especially for one that's a bit lower angst. There's really good flirting, you get some light blindfold action, a lot of foreplay--I mean, the three kisses are essentially a sex bet. And it never feels like Harriet is in over her head, though Morgan is obviously much more experienced than she is and knows exactly what he's doing with this three kisses shit; Bateman does some maneuvering to make sure it feels super consensual. Which, honestly, isn't always a must for me as a reader, but it's a must for the tone of this book. And then you get some last minute shenanigans that I didn't expect but was super into.

--Great grand gesture, much appreciate.

--Going back to that sex stuff though... How refreshing to have a good bit of sex in the book, acknowledge Harriet's worries about ruination... and then go "well, shit happens". I'm so over historical romance reviewers (some of which I'm sure will dog this book out) acting as if nobody had sex before marriage in Days of Yore. And everyone who did was found out and ruined.

First off, as with today, money and the right connections can get you a fuckton of leeway. The Duchess of Devonshire literally had a child out of wedlock with a future prime minister, and with the right maneuvering, got back to her top spot in society in no time. And she was not the only one. People could be scandalous, and still received, because you had no choice but to receive them. And considering how much historical romance focuses on the upper crust...

Aside from that, it's just like--cool, so we'll accept all the dukes and the hot people with all their teeth and the lack of STIs but we won't accept people fucking out of wedlock just for fun? Okay!!!

But that's a huge digression, and I use it to say that I loved how this book treated sex. Harriet lets Morgan do stuff to her because she's curious and it's fun and let's be real, she's highkey in love with him even if she doesn't realize it at the moment. Harriet does some reckless shit because it feels good and she knows how to get away with it. One of my favorite parts of this book was someone realizing that Shit Went Down and going "listen, lots of people do that and we just don't talk about it, you're hardly the first one to go for it". Like... what a nice change of pace. Someone fucked out of wedlock in 18whatever it wasn't the end of the world.

What Didn't Work (For Me):

--There was a last minute plot device danger at the very end that lasted for like 30 seconds, and it felt pretty forced. This is an emotional book, not a plotty book. And that's cool! It wasn't a big detractor, it just didn't super work for me.

If you kinda wanna have fun and read about people who've known each other for years sniping at one another and then raw dogging in a fun environment, this is a great book for you. And a great series--I have yet to read the first, but I totally am, and A Daring Pursuit was really fun as well.

But for reals, don't dare a Davies if you want to keep your tender virginity intact.

Thank you to Netgalley and St. Martin's Press for a free copy of this book in exchange for an honest review.

[rottenappleheart]

Alright, friends who've played Bastion, I need your help.

I couldn’t sleep because I was Too Upset. Not about the game’s themes or story, like I should be, but because I have clearly failed to grasp something. Let me explain my (mis)understanding of the game. Maybe one of you will see where I got muddled, and untangle me in a spoiler-free fashion, so that it will actually mean something when I make endgame decisions.

I’ll write it my thinking chronologically, in case that helps you track my mistakes. Long post ahoy!

Here is what I believed, going into the “rescue Zia” mission:

The old man narrator is, in fact, the Kid grown up, and there are wacky time travel shenanigans happening somewhere in the background. He knows what the Kid is doing, and how he’s feeling about it, because he remembers living it. (I’ve been convinced of this since very early in the game, but maybe I’ve been dead wrong! Maybe that’s been screwing me up the whole time!)

The people of the City, whose name I forget, were screwing over the Ura in some fashion with regard to land acquisition, construction, and their treatment of refugees/POWs.

The Kid’s from some other minority population??? In his memories, the old man narrator talks about him and his mom getting grief about their white hair, but literally all the non-Ura characters met have white hair, so IDK what the people of the City were supposed to look like normally.

The Ura created the Cataclysm to get back at the people of the City.

(A sidenote: from the very beginning, the old man narrator speaks about the cataclysm as though it’s a known thing and everyone understands what happened? I don’t? I guess a bunch of people turned to ash where they stood, and also the world started floating? But parts of the world also floated before???)

Zulf and Zia were spared by the Cataclysm that hit the City (because they were Ura?) but didn’t know about it ahead of time. When Zulf finds out the truth, he… agrees with what the Ura were trying to do? He says he’s going to succeed where the Cataclysm failed, and he attacks the Bastion’s core before leaving.

The animals have been building a Bastion of their own, which uhhh implies a level of intelligence that I really think needs to be addressed? But the old man narrator says that the Kid has to destroy it, but that completing the main Bastion will… save the animals too? Which sounds iffy because right now, the entire surviving population of this world appears to be the four survivors gathered on the Bastion, and three pets. (At this time, for the record, the game hasn’t mentioned that the Ura survived.)

I do, in fact, get (unless I am DEAD WRONG) that what the Kid is doing to repair the Bastion is causing a lot of wreckage in other places. I am fully expecting to learn that the Kid is accidentally the villain of this play, and maybe the final act will be him choosing not to carry on (and… not become the old man narrator? Pick a different future for himself? IDK.)

The “you’re probably the villain” feeling is boosted by that one hallucination the Kid has in which he relives the first few scenes of the game, only this time the old man narrator talks as though he is on a murderous rampage through a still-living city, instead of escaping a ghost town. And maybe the part about “he sees the rippling walls, the work of years, destroyed in an instant” wasn’t about the Cataclysm, but was a reference to the player inevitably going hog-wild with the hammer while they’re learning the controls.

At this point, we learn that the Ura have apparently all survived the Cataclysm.

Zulf wrote to Zia to win her over, but failed. He also warned the Kid against going back to the Bastion, because the Ura will attack it. They do, and kidnap Zia.

But things started to go sideways on the actual mission of rescuing Zia.

The game definitely wants me to feel bad about fighting and killing the Ura, because unlike monsters, the Ura leave bodies behind. Read ya loud and clear there, game devs. Also, not super jazzed about exterminating every other living thing in this world! I continue expecting to be the villain.

But the old man narrator begins addressing Zia directly in this sequence, saying that she wasn’t really kidnapped, and that she arranged all of this herself? She was in cahoots with the Ura the whole time? So I start side-eyeing Zia as well as the old man narrator.

The Kid doesn’t find that out, he just “rescues” Zia, and takes her back the Bastion. I assume she’s basically a ticking bomb with a secret plan to destroy everything.

(If you’ve played the game, I feel like you are starting to squint at the screen at how Incorrect all of this is.)

Off I go to the Taral Tunnels, which I believe are pretty much the end of the game. And my understanding of the plot goes completely off the rails.

I’m here to… I guess stop Zulf from whatever his plan for Cataclysm 2.0 is?

The old man narrator reveals that it was actually the people of the City who created the Cataclysm, which isn’t what I believed, but also doesn’t surprise me.

They intended to hit the Ura, to… prevent war? Which is a nice bit of fancyfooting, logically speaking, because this means that I have no evidence that the Ura have ever done anything except be oppressed.

So now we’ve got a story in which the people of the City first wrecked all the Ura’s shit, and made them second-class citizens, and then said “you know what, let’s just wipe them out completely.” Got it.

I can see why Zulf went “SCREW THIS I’M OUT,” and why the Ura have been attacking the Bastion, which is the last stronghold for the people of the city (… inhabited by two Ura refugees, three pets, and one also-a-minority boy and his elderly time-traveling alter self???)

Specifically, it was Zia’s dad, an Ura POW forced to work for the people of the City, who created the whatever-it-was that caused the Cataclysm.

I know from Zia’s memories that he told her to hide inside that last day, so he probably deliberately botched the work so it hit his captors and not his own people.

Except he also never told Zia about their people, or even their language, so IDK how attached he was to them.

The story about this one dipshit who used Zia to get close to her dad, SOLELY TO BE RUDE TO HIM IN HIS OWN LANGUAGE, and then thwart their attempts to escape the city… I don’t know what to make of this story anymore, or the notion that Zia is the one who suggested they escape, given that she knew nothing about her own people. It’s a good setpiece for “the people of the City were awful to the Ura refugees,” but I’m not sure how it interacts with the developing plot twists. Unless the boy was the Kid? Or, not THIS the Kid, but the Kid who grew up into the old man narrator in some… alternate… history???

I no longer know what Zulf said he was going to do that would succeed where the Cataclysm failed. I no longer know if he meant “wipe out the people of the City” or “wipe out the Ura [his own people].”

The old man narrator continues to address Zia like she’s a villain, AND maybe also a time traveler??? He mentions her getting to “try again” all the things that “didn’t go her way.” Now I begin to build a theory castle about the Kid being the old man narrator’s cat’s-paw to… repeat and manipulate a bad past, using his younger and more trusting self, and maybe Zulf is the same thing for Zia, given that she knows things he doesn’t? Maybe she used him and his outrage to bring the Ura down on the Bastion???

I build another wing onto the theory castle in which Zia and Zulf are the same person from different times/realities like the Kid and the old man narrator are??? I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

(I have a headache just looking at this)

Then the old man narrator says that when the Bastion is completed, they’ll all… cease to exist? And go back in time? The Bastion is built to reset the world to an earlier “save state” and is essentially a giant time-traveling floating ark?

He also says that all the places the Kid has been aren’t real, or aren’t real anymore, but are visions of the past?

Are the Ura even alive in this day and age, or have I been fighting their ghosts and then returning to the Bastion in which there are literally only four people alive in the entire world?

But that doesn’t work if Zia and Zulf have also gone back and forth???

At this point I started completely fragmenting, losing the threads of what he’s saying.

The Ura are pissed off at Zulf for leading the Kid here, so they beat the shit out of him. That part I got loud and clear. You’d better believe I dropped everything to carry that nice gentleman out of there with me. And I wanted to be really upset and invested in that long slow awful march, but I was just so confused.

So I get Zulf back to the Bastion, and complete its construction. Now the old man narrator and Zia BOTH want to talk to me, and Zia finally has a voice, which is great. But my conversation with each of them just made it worse.

The old man narrator keeps giving me more confusing information about the Bastion and the people of the City, which I can’t even recreate here, because I got so lost. I think what he wants me to do is use the Bastion to… go back in time to before the Cataclysm, so that the people of the City will have survived… except that the people of the City were supposed to have fled onto the Bastion in the first place, it was supposed to be their “life raft” in case of trouble…? So is the problem that no one else made it there but the Kid, or is this its intended function, to just be a big reset button?

Zia is telling the Kid that she wouldn’t undo anything, that the happiest memories she has are all after the Cataclysm, which is nice and also it sounds like being an Ura has really sucked, but uh! Literally everyone is dead but the four of us now, thanks to the Kid’s last blitz through the Ura! (If that was real and not a ghost-memory anyway!) The entire world is a cinder! This is not a good outcome to maintain! I don’t like this! I don’t like giving the appearance of siding with the genocidal people of the City, but this particular ark is never going to wash up on solid ground and start new, Zia!

Then the game gives me the actual choice, one of which is “evacuate” and one is… I forget what it was called, but NEITHER ONE OBVIOUSLY RELATED TO WHAT THE OLD MAN NARRATOR AND ZIA JUST TOLD ME. I don’t even know what choice I’m making anymore, or what the outcomes will be.

This is the point at which I realized I was crying and just went to bed.

I feel like I have badly misunderstood something. A lot of things. And I don't THINK I've been missing major clues, because I've been going through all the memories and talking to everyone about the significant artifacts I find. I just put the pieces together wrong and got lost. Please, please come to my inbox or reblog and tell me what’s actually the story, because I was really enjoying this game and would like to continue enjoying it until the ending, instead of crying in frustrated confusion and giving up in the final moments.

[justamomandakeyboard]

Hi, I was just wondering if in your decision to put your son in ABA therapy you'd encountered any of the writings by autistic people who've been through it? It's a huge, huge thing to do, and the thoughts of those who've experienced it first hand are always valuable. As is the perspective of developmental psychologists - it's not as well thought of as the people selling it tend to claim.

Hey!

So, yes, ABA has gotten a bad rap, and it is fairly well deserved. I can entirely understand why you would wonder whether or not it is the right choice for any child. Here is our story regarding it:

I will admit that, when it was first presented to us over two years ago, it was on the advice of our Early Interventionist that we agreed to give it a try. I, at the time, knew absolutely nothing about it, but was encouraged by the other parents of autistic children that it helped. So we did. Mr. G was visited two or three times a week by a therapist in his daycare, and it progressed from there.

Now, after this began, I did some digging. Because Mr. G is a mostly non-verbal five year old, I need to be as well-informed as I can be on his behalf to help make the best decisions I can for his future until he is able to make those decisions himself. In my digging, I encountered several pieces of information that gave me concern. Such as physically punishing children for not meeting their goals. Forcing them to sit and follow through instructions, even regardless of whether they had soiled their pants, until a set was complete. Incredibly harsh training regimes and making stimming something to be ashamed of. I was not OK with any of that. That, without a doubt, is abuse and should not be tolerated anywhere, ever. 

So, I had a meeting with Mr. G’s case manager, and with his preschool teachers. The case manager agreed that, yes, that used to be the way for some programs, but that the methods used in Mr. G’s program were the best parts of the ABA philosophy (and there were good things in it) and a mix of speech, physical and occupational therapy techniques based upon each child’s needs. Each program was tailored to the goals set for each individual child, and the goals were not intended to make the child ‘normal’ but to help them achieve independence through skills and knowledge. The daycare teachers (one of whom I had known before Mr. G was even born) assured me that they had never seen the therapist do anything that they would consider out of bounds with his work, and that they would have spoken up immediately if they had. 

Because Mr. G entered the local school system’s PreK program a few months later, I shifted all his ABA sessions to our home to observe for myself. My son loved his therapist at the time, and was always excited for her to come. He would work for short periods, and then have long periods of free play. During the play time the therapist might try to work in small pieces of his goals (color identification, counting objects, etc) if were appropriate, but if Mr. G wasn’t feeling it, they would drop it and let him do his thing. She was firm with him, as you need to be with any child, but always respectful of him as a person with feelings and opinions of his own. Bad days were taken into consideration, and if the work didn’t happen because Mr. G needed cuddles or down time because the world was a little too much for him that day, it was fine. No one got in trouble, and the therapist really had the freedom to make calls about his progress and his programs based upon his needs and our conversations. I am 100% involved and included in all such discussions, and nothing is changed without my consent.

It is because of this transparency, and some family medical emergencies, that I allowed them to transition him to the clinic the following summer. The clinic is very open, and while you can’t just walk in at any time to observe (privacy for the other children) everything is done in group areas where the children can play and interact with one another when not working in their sessions. Mr. G has learned a great deal so far working in this program, and for as long as he continues to do so with no negative consequences to his mental, physical or emotional health, I will probably continue to utilize this program. 

Now, it is an unfortunate truth that in any situation where you give one person power over another abuse can happen. This is true in schools, daycare, homes, hospitals, nursing facilities, therapy clinics, religious organizations. It can happen, and it has in the past. And because Mr. G is mostly non-verbal and doesn’t respond just like everyone else to situations that could be considered abusive, I do my best to be observant. To watch for signs that all isn’t well. I check for marks where he shouldn’t have any on a regular basis, and if I find one I ask questions and I document everything. I watch his behavior towards the people he interacts with and places he goes, because I have made deciphering my kid’s wants and needs a priority and if he doesn’t want to do something I question why. Is it the environment or the people? I figure it out, and we make changes. Is this a guarantee that someday, I won’t miss something? No. It isn’t. But I can’t keep Mr. G locked in his room away from the world because of fear of what might be. That isn’t a life, and I want him to live. I want him to be everything and anything he can be, and that means trusting people who I believe care about and wish for my son’s success as much as I do. 

Please also don’t think I’m saying this program is perfect for everyone all the time. No program is. The basics that should be a part of every program are there: transparency, parent involvement, respect for the children, etc. But that doesn’t mean it’s for everyone. Or that it will always be for Mr. G. And as I mentioned before, not everyone involved has been perfect. That’s going to happen no matter where you go and who you see. Doctors, teachers, lawyers, policemen dentists, name a profession and you’re going to find the bad with the good and the good with the bad. But at this time, it meets my son’s needs and helps him learn new skills in a safe, caring environment with people who genuinely want him to succeed. 

I completely agree with you that the thoughts and experiences of those who have gone before are valuable, and so I have. But the programs have changed, drastically for the better. People have listened to those who have gone before, and seen the problems and errors in their ways. And it’s to the point that I’m not really sure you could even call what my son does ABA therapy. It has bits and pieces of the original in it. The good ones. But the majority is a different animal all together, and I think it’s the right place for Mr. G to be at this time. 

Thanks for the question,

~justamomandakeyboard