#so it's just gotten worse and worse and i've had to dip into my saving buffer i think every month since september

[monster-noises]

AaHHHHGHHH got some mail today that i forgot i was waiting on from the local health sugar to help me with my blood sugar stuff

And they fucking just.. assigned me an appointment date with no input from me so of course it's in the middle of a fucking work day and i have no time off left to spend on yaking the day off, and it's late enough in the morning that i can't reaaaally scootch my schedule down..

And like maybe i could find a way to finagle a sick day in there but Apparently

I need Literally All Of Those those to cover my first week off after surgery

Because insurance through work comes in a week After you start your leave, because that's when they approve it (this whole coverage thing is making me so steaming boiling mad regardless, this is just shiny deep red cherry on top of the fucking cake i sweaR TO G O D)

So I don't really want to Do that and loose more pay somewhere else

So now I don't know what to fucking do because i Work when the Doctors Offices are Open (just like.. all of them. In general.) so i can't really reschedule, but cancelling may be a bad idea because i probably won't get to go back until after surgery, if i don't have to go back through the application process to see this doctor anyway.

I'm going to start throwing things and having a breakdown I try to actually start looking after my health and I end up in this situation it's disgusting i'm so pissed off.

[writinginatree]

Kisses & Confessions

Relationship(s): Garrick Tavis/fem!Riorson!reader

Summary: Garrick accidentally steals your first kiss, which leads to some long overdue confessions.

Part 2

You wake up to the sound of someone knocking on your door. Though, really, waking up is an exaggeration. You're blinking at the pale sunlight streaming into the room through the half-open curtains, too sleepy to even sit up. Maybe you're lucky and whoever is at the door will go away if you don't answer.

"Y/N? You still in there?"

You groan. Guess they won't go away. And worse, you hear a click as the bothersome person uses lesser magic to unlock the door. It swings open, revealing — Garrick. You let your head drop back into the pillow and turn to face the wall, whining for him to let you sleep.

"If I do that you're going to miss breakfast," he answers.

You hear the sound of your door being closed again, followed by his footsteps coming toward your bed. Your stomach growls at the mention of breakfast, but you're so warm and comfy right now. If Garrick let you, you could fall right back asleep. Unfortunately, he seems to have no intention of that. The mattress dips as he sits down on the edge of the bed, and you clutch your covers tighter around you, sure he'll try to snatch them away any second.

But he doesn't — not yet, at least. For now, he just pokes you in the side. "Come on. I'm tired, too, but we have to act normal, or people will wonder what we were doing last night."

That gets you a little more awake. You'd been out smuggling weapons to the fliers the night before, and had almost gotten caught returning. Afterwards, you'd lain awake for hours, tossing and turning uselessly. You couldn't have been asleep for much more than an hour or so when Garrick woke you up.

"Xaden won't let you come on these trips anymore if you can't get up the next morning," he adds.

Turning on your back to face him, you rub the sleep from your eyes and explain, "It's not the trip. I just couldn't fall asleep afterwards."

"Why not?"

"Dunno. Too many thoughts in my head, I guess. Srian got tired of it and blocked me out so she could go to sleep. I was gonna get up and do some last minute studying, but then I guess I fell asleep for a bit after all."

The last word stretches into a yawn, and Garrick gives you a sympathetic look. You wonder how you look to him right now. Does he think you're cute, all sleepy and soft like this? Or do your messy hair and the dark circles you doubtlessly have under your eyes make you look appalling to him? Not that it should matter. He's seen you in much worse states before — like that time when you were eight and you and Xaden both were down with the flu, or when you got depressed over your mother leaving. But you were kids then. It's different now, and things that never mattered before suddenly do.

"Five more minutes," you grumble. "I'll just skip breakfast."

Garrick laughs. "Alright, sleepyhead. I'll tell Chradh to tell Cuir to tell Bodhi to save you a pastry or something. But if you don't get up in the next ten minutes you'll be late for class."

"Mhh, thank you. Tell him I want something with chocolate, yeah?"

"Right, because he totally doesn't know that. You always want everything with chocolate, Y/N."

"Tell him anyway," you insist. "Just to be sure."

"Okay, okay," he laughs, and after a moment, "I've passed it on."

You close your eyes again for a moment, cautiously reaching out to your own dragon. Lazy thing that she is, Srian is still asleep herself, just like you expected. If only you could afford the same luxury.

"Is this your definition of getting up?" Garrick asks.

"You said I still have ten minutes before I'm late for class."

"Yeah, and I'm guessing you'll need every one of those minutes to get dressed and search that mess on your desk for everything you need for class."

Unfortunately, he's not wrong.

Sitting up, you only now realize just how close he is to you. The fact that you would be sitting on his lap if you moved just a little closer to him shouldn't make your heart race the way it does, but ever since you came to Basgiath a little over a year ago, you've been developing a crush on Garrick — a crush that only seems to get worse with time. You still don't know where it came from. You've known Garrick practically your whole life, and he's always been one of your closest friends, but until last year, your feelings for him were strictly platonic. Maybe it's just that you'd never thought about it before. But on your first day in the quadrant, when you'd seen him again for the first time in what felt like forever, he'd looked so undeniably hot in his new second-year uniform that you saw him in a completely new light. No longer just your brother's best friend, but a very hot and loveable guy. You'd thought it was just a temporary crush you would soon get over, but now that you're a second-year yourself, you're still hopelessly pining after him.

While you're distracted thinking about how close he is, he leans in even closer to kiss your cheek — only you turn your head to look at him better at the same moment, so instead his lips land right on yours. Your breath catches in your throat, and if you weren't awake before, you definitely are now. It's barely a second before he pulls back and apologizes, but that second might honestly have been the best of your life. You can't exactly tell him that, but you do tell him he doesn't have to apologize. You know very well that he only meant to kiss your cheek, like he's done hundreds of times before throughout all the years you've known each other.

And unlike you, he seems to be completely unaffected by your accidental kiss. No trembling, no quickened breathing, not even the hint of a blush. He's as cool as ever, and you kind of hate him for it.

"I don't think I've ever seen you this flustered," he chuckles. "You're almost acting as if you've never been kissed before."

"Well, I haven't!"

"Wait, seriously?"

The shock on his face is almost comical, and it takes all your willpower to bite back your grin so he won't think you're messing with him.

"Yeah, seriously."

"Shit, I'm sorry."

Now you do smile. "It's okay. There's no one I'd have rather given my first kiss to," you admit. It's true — it's certainly not for a lack of opportunities that you've never kissed anyone. You simply refuse to get involved with people who only want you for your last name, and ever since you joined the quadrant, you've only had eyes for Garrick, anyway.

"That wasn't a very good kiss, though. Barely even counts as one." He hesitates for a second, then adds, "I could give you a real one if you'd like."

Oh gods. Did he really just offer to kiss you again? For real this time? If this is a dream, you never want to wake up.

You nod — maybe a little too eagerly.

Garrick cups your cheek with one big hand, turning your head a little to get the perfect angle. "Close your eyes," he softly instructs, and then his lips are on yours again, only this time they stay there longer, moving against yours while you kiss back as best as you can.

You don't think about the consequences this might have for your friendship, of how awkward it might make things. All this time you've tried to ignore your feelings, because this is your brother's best friend, because you didn't want to make things weird, because you thought he doesn't see you like that anyway. And now here you are, chasing his lips when he pulls away after a few seconds.

"You liked that, huh?" Garrick teases.

"Maybe," you say, grinning even as all the blood rushes to your face. "But I think I might need another one to be sure."

Shit. You can't believe you actually said that. You're going too far, you're sure of that the moment the words are out.

"Is that so?" Garrick asks. He's still grinning too, but even so it makes you regret asking. You're making things awkward, gods damn it.

"I mean— you don't have to, obviously. If you don't want to—"

He cuts you off. "Shh, just come here."

Just like that, his mouth is on yours once more, and oh, you're definitely getting addicted. This is bad. But it feels so damn good, so right, even more so when his tongue parts your lips to explore the inside of your mouth. All logical thought leaves your head at that point, and if your mouth wasn't otherwise occupied, you would've blurted out your feelings for him then and there.

"I've wanted to do this for longer than you can imagine," Garrick surprises you by saying when you separate again, both a little out of breath.

"You did?"

Now he's the one looking like he regrets saying anything, and a tiny spark of hope blooms in your chest. Could it be? Could he really feel the same?

"Well— I mean... yeah," he says, unusually reluctant. And is that a blush spreading on his face? You think it is, and gods, if that doesn't make you want to kiss him some more.

"Well, I've thought about kissing you for quite some time, too, to be honest," you say.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

For a moment you sit in silence, both processing what the other just revealed. You want to say more, take the chance to tell him you like him, but at the same time you're scared you're reading too much into this. Just because he's been wanting to kiss you doesn't have to mean he has feelings for you too, does it? If he did, surely he would have said something. Though of course you haven't said anything, either. And you're still not sure you should. This could ruin your friendship.

But damn it, you're a rider, not a coward, so you take a deep breath and admit, "Actually, I've kind of had a crush on you for a while now."

You closely watch his reaction, whole body tense with anticipation. Please don't laugh, you pray. Whatever you do, don't laugh at me. On some level, you know that fear is completely unnecessary. Garrick isn't mean like that; if he doesn't feel the same, he'll let you down gently. But part of you still worries he'll find the thought of you crushing on him so ridiculous he won't be able to help laughing. After all, you're his best friend's little sister. Only a year younger, sure, but when you've grown up together, a year can mean a lot. But if that were all he sees you as, he wouldn't be wanting to kiss you, right?

Slowly, a smile spreads over his face, and no, it's not a mean or disbelieving one. It's soft and genuine and takes your breath away.

"I like you too. I just didn't say anything because... you know..."

"Xaden."

He nods. "Xaden. I was going to ask him for permission before asking you out, but I kept putting it off because I wasn't sure how he'd react."

"Well, I don't care what Xaden thinks." That's not entirely true. In fact, you care a lot what your brother thinks, which is one of the reasons you tried to ignore your crush on Garrick. But even if Xaden does have a problem with you being into his best friend — now that you know Garrick feels the same, you're not going to let that get in the way. "He'll just have to deal with it. Now stop worrying about my brother and kiss me again."

Garrick happily complies, and in the end, you're both late for class.

[ryverbind]

Faceless Fixation {Sal Fisher}: Stabbed and Salacious [6]

*****Here's your warning. Be on guard.*****

The start to my stream with Ash, Larry, Sally, and Todd tonight has been uncomfortably... serene.

When I imagine any scenario with Sally involved, that's not a feeling I can even think of associating with him. So the simple fact that he's not addressing me too much and that he has a cheery lilt to his voice makes me feel nearly sick with anxiousness.

He must be smug about my obvious loss on Discord earlier. 

Not to mention, after I got caught, everyone dipped out of the chat and I didn't even bother defending myself. How would I even come back from that? But at the same time, I'm filled with this incredible need for a vendetta. I don't know how to save myself from this.

What's worse is my stupid attraction to this godawful Sally Face has only grown. I find myself flinching at every single word he says because it sounds different tonight. Maybe I'm still recovering from his photo, or maybe I'm not even that crazy. Maybe he's making his voice sound so seductive on purpose.

Definitely a possibility.

"Come on out, my little victims," Sally face purrs. His words are purposeful and absolutely vicious. I never should have gotten on tonight. To say that I'm quaking in my seat while I try to get a handle on this game (which is new to me) is the understatement of the century. I can't help but roll my eyes at myself for being so ridiculous.

Earlier, we started our streams with a couple rounds of Among Us and, surprisingly, Minecraft. Now we're all playing the Friday the 13th game and Sally's playing Jason. What fantastic luck.

I'm trying to hide wherever I possibly can with what time and mobility I have. It's my first time playing and I have no idea how to work anything. I don't even quite know how the game works, so I'm open bait to the one man who wants revenge on me most in this world.

Not only am I fighting for my life, I'm fighting for my dignity. My head is just above the water in this sticky situation I've gotten myself roped into and I need a good win to keep my head above water right now. Otherwise, I'll have to pull a y/n and change my name again. It's what I'm good at.

"I think I saw a little foot over there," Sally murmurs, more so to himself. The statement makes me stiffen up though and I stand completely still in the wide open spot I'm in on the map. He could be talking about anyone, but under the assumption that he's talking about me, I think my best option is to stop moving altogether.

Still, I bite my lip nervously as I wait, listening to the sound of my rapid heartbeat that only grows stronger as the seconds pass. Not a word is spoken between our group and the ensuing silence only makes my internal panic even worse. 

My heart is screaming at me to keep moving in case Sally sneaks up on me, but my brain is trying to rationalize everything and tell me that I need to relax. 

The thing is that the few sane parts of me know that the odds have been against me since the second I got involved with Sally. In truth, I was fucked from the start.

But I don't hear any footsteps around me. Nothing's happening.

So I follow my heart's rushed commands and start moving slowly, looking for a new spot to run to and hide.

A hum reverberates through my headphones and a rush of air leaves my body. I'm so suddenly tense that my stomach aches as it turns in on itself. My head is filled with waves of thoughts and emotions that just can't grasp at the sound I've heard. And deep on the inside, all of my organs are raging over the thought that I wasn't able to hear that in person, and that I won't be able to hear something as pretty as that again.

It had to have come from Sally-- the pitch and tone matched him perfectly, even the slight rasp to his clear voice. 

I take a deep breath, trying to keep it as quiet as possible as I attempt to dispel my overwhelming thoughts that are doing their best to drown every little bit of my mind. 

"I know you're there, Larry," Sally drawls. "I love a chase. Don't you dare hide from me." A low, short chuckle follows his words before he says, "Run."

I bring a hand to my lips, cussing quietly over my slightly trembling fingers. 

Never in my life have I ever been so spell-bound and wonderstruck by just a few words. There has to be some kind of rhyme, reason, or magic behind the art. Especially since it's Sal. He must know the logistics of the perfect sound, frequency, and longevity of each syllable he speaks in order to make him sound so alluring. 

Paying too close attention to his words is the equivalent to trying to pet a wild tiger. It's beautiful, enchanting even and you feel drawn, but the bite isn't going to be worth it.

But the overwhelming desire to indulge in my desperation and yearning is quite literally incriminating to my heart and mind. I shouldn't get too close to him or his appealing nature. It'll only get me into trouble in the end.

So I cross my legs, gulp down the urge to make bad decisions while recording a live stream, and run off to a new place at the sound of Larry's frantic cackles.

Larry gets killed, of course. It's a fun moment where he runs past me, screaming bloody murder and laughing hysterically in fear the entire way. I watch from the shadows as Sally chases after him, light giggles following his form.

From there on, Ash and Todd get killed too. And then it's just Sally and I alongside a few other counselors who are running for their lives.

But I know he's looking for me.

I've been hiding for an eternity, waiting for Sally to grow tired of looking for me so he'll plow through the other players. Hopefully I can just find my way out of here.

I have a bad habit of treating this game like Dead By Daylight. I have an inkling of a feeling that I can actually survive, but I probably won't be able to.

A quick, anxious glance at my stream shows over seven thousand people watching me. My viewers have gone up significantly and it irks me a bit knowing I can't talk to them while being pursued by Sally.

"Come on out, bitch," Sally lazily says. It's a lot easier to ignore his attractive attributes when he treats me like this, so for once, I don't mind the insult. At least it's not his distractingly charming voice and words.

Still, my eye twitches a bit as I hold my breath, noting the moment he passes by me. I hope I've blended into the shadows well enough, simply waiting for the moment I can get him away then run to victory.

His feet move a bit farther away from me and I close my eyes, not realizing that a rush of adrenaline has spiked because of my near death experience. Crazy how this game gives me such realistic reactions.

"You're around here somewhere and I'm aching to get some blood on my hands," Sally slowly says, an amused sway to his deep voice that sounds as harmonic and entrancing as an electric guitar and bass playing perfectly at the same time.

Fuck this guy.

I don't say a word as I watch him saunter off in the opposite direction from me.

Once I feel that he's far enough away, I bite my tongue and crawl out of my hiding spot. I have a clear shot to victory, I just need to not screw up. And if I snap at Sally due to an unjust stroke of confidence, I'll fuck myself over. It's better to let him have this little victory for now because, overall, I'm leaving Camp Crystal Lake alive, motherfucker.

I turn slightly, setting my sights on a car not too far away from me. I just need to get there and fix it, then I'll be on my way.

My character ambles over and my chest aches with every step out in the open. The ominous darkness and eerie noises as well as the knowledge of a killer close by fills me with unease. Anything could happen and being too imbedded in the game-- like I'm actually walking through a scary forest myself-- is dangerous. 

The last thing I want to do is scream loud enough for my neighbors to hear it or terrorize myself too badly.

I shake my head, trying to remind myself that I won't be hurt. I only need to win.

My neck is cool with sweat and I pinch my lips together, curling my knees up to my chest as I grow more apprehensive upon reaching the car.

But a damn knife flies into my back. An alarmed squeal leaves my lips as I jump in my seat and lean forward, making my character run for its life. Fuck the car, I can hide out for a while longer.

A menacing chortle that quickly grows closer sends chills through my body and I huff out quick breaths, trying to weave in and out of trees. I break into a full sweat and frantically wipe my clammy hands on my skirt, hoping I can actually get away from fucking Sally.

Another knife hits me, and then I'm enveloped in hands, looking into the zombified eyes of Jason Voorhees as he brutally pulls my jaw from the rest of my head. 

I lean back in my chair, listening to Sally's remorseless laughs as he looks down at my lifeless character. I'm filled with a violent fury that's incomparable to any other emotion I've felt in the past few days since working with this monstrosity.

"I think that's the most delicious blood bath I've seen all game," Sally says, a deep chuckle following and increasing the heat in my glare that no one can see. "A vendetta completed."

"Fucking dick," I seethe quietly, knowing he won't hear me anyway right now. He still has other counselors to kill.

My boiling anger increases a notch or two while watching Sal diligently and slowly take out every other player in the game. 

My tongue runs over the front of my teeth and my jaw is clenched tightly. I want to beat him at this game so badly but I just keep losing. He's hardly even trying to fight me all that much because it's so easy for him to overpower me-- that pisses me off. I'm tired of letting him come out victorious. My turn is long overdo.

I let my hands drop to my table and my eyes languidly wander across the screen as another counselor dies. 

With a groan, I lift a hand to rub my eyes, scrunching up my face in irritation. How is he pinching every single nerve of mine? He's like a crab claw that won't let go of my finger-- a painful fucking burden.

I hold all this anger toward him. I've focused it into one laser beam directed at him and I'm counting down the immeasurable days until I'm able to finally get everything out and beat him down with my words. 

And yet, I still dig my palms into my eyes at the sound of his laugh, readjust my skirt, cross and uncross my legs, talk myself through the endless fluttering in my stomach. I even have to hold back smiles at his clever phrases and slick tongue. 

Wish I had his slick tongue in my mouth, speaking of which, but I'd also genuinely like to punch him in the face.

Battling the desire to have him in any way I can alongside my deep vexation for the asshole is exhausting. I kind of just want to sleep on this entire situation, leave it for me to stress over tomorrow.

Why does he have to be hot, smooth, and an asshole? Why couldn't he have been sweet and kind like he was to Lexi?

By the way, I'm just beginning to accept that he's never going to call or text Lexi. I'm not sure if I'm happy or ticked about that. On the one hand, if he would call Lexi and express some interest, I could fuck this attraction out of my system. On the other hand, him messaging Lexi would out me immediately. He could find out my phone number from Ash, Larry, or Todd and that's some fire that I don't want to mess with.

"That's a win for me," Sally sighs out pridefully, gaining my attention again. The game has ended.

"You're fucking... damn," Larry breathes, seemingly at a loss for words. "You're too good. I don't want you to play a killer ever again."

"Hey, maybe it's just in my genes. Not my fault you can't compete with this skill," Sally boasts, humming contently to himself. Fuck, I wish he'd stop doing that. It feels like his voice circles me and leaves me caged in the memory of that stupid sound.

"I'd hope not," Todd scoffs lightly. "I'm getting off for the night though, so I'll see everyone when we get on again."

We tell Todd goodbye, then Larry goes not too long after him. With the three of us left, we end our streams too, but I stick around while Ash and Sally chat.

Truth be told, I'm not quite sure what I'm waiting for. Maybe a chance to bitch at Sal or maybe it's just to hear his hypnotizing voice for a bit longer.

"Are you going to get off or what?" The sudden snarky tone makes me focus in on Ash and Sally's conversation that had been drowned out by my thoughts for a bit.

Ash is quiet, the only sign of her presence being a muffled groan. That clearly tells me that the dickhead himself is talking to me.

"Oh, shut up," I bite out, squinting my eyes at my computer screen. "I'm not even bothering you."

"Your presence pisses me off. Leave," he simply replies, his delicious voiced tainted with nonchalance and agitation. 

"You're such a dick," I spit out venomously once I can't come up with anything else to say. Knowing that he has an advantage over me yet again is making my chest bubble with barely contained anger.

I glare down at the microphone that Ash was kind enough to send me years ago when she and I used to run around our map in Seven Days to Die. Usually, the device brings me memories of joy, but tonight I can't gain any positive feelings from it.

"And you're a foul-mouthed bitch," Sally Face replies, his voice seemingly more amused than angered. Though, I can definitely detect some aggravation in there.

His response makes me itch. I haven't said more than maybe three words to him tonight-- before we started arguing of course. So where does he find the audacity to call me foul-mouthed?

I snort. "Yea, okay. So what does that make you then? A stuck-up nobody? Your fans only know the idea of you." 

My pickings are slim and I'm just grabbing onto any little option I have. I know I'm practically fighting fire with gasoline considering Sally doesn't show himself for his own personal reason, but I have my own reasons too. I can push his buttons on the topic because hitting me in the same place and on the same level wouldn't be enough to top the damage I did. He's smart and methodic so he at least knows that much.

I suddenly notice that Ash is missing from our group call. She must have left.

Frowning, I lift my phone to send her a text and apologize. I'm even about to just hang up on Sally too. What's the point of arguing? It's only aggravating and it's not like he'll ever explain why he hates me so much.

But Sally Face grunts and the sound makes a flame of irritation light up inside me again. "The same goes for you, you fucking brat," he spits. "No one knows who you are. At least they see me-- I've never even seen anything above your neck."

"You'd be the last person to see me, asshole." My words come out quick and aggressive, I even lean closer to my computer, simmering with audible rage. "I don't know why you have such a problem with me," I continue despite knowing that my attempt to get any reasoning out of him is futile. 

How could I have fucked up twice with him and still not understand how? I've never even met him as y/n and he still can't stand either side of me, with the exception of Lexi, of course. I want to know what I did. Being the target of hate with no explanation maddens me beyond comprehension.

Honestly, he probably doesn't understand why the fuck he hates me either. He just dislikes  things and people out of spite. He hates because he's angry at or about something. He converts hurt feelings into negativity-- that has to be the reason why he's so aggressive and rude. What else could it possibly be?

Obviously, my spit-fire persona doesn't make his resentment toward me any better. I'm on his level and he can't win on command. He's still an open book so I can tell that losing our battles pisses him off too.

"You just show up out of nowhere and become besties with my group," Sally Face scoffs. "Like who the fuck are you? Did you pay Ash to play with you or something? You were nonexistent a week ago. I wish you'd have stayed that way. All you do is fucking bitch and yap like a little chihuahua."

That's a lead, one that I already had my suspicions about, in fact. That still doesn't justify his behavior though.

I bite my lip, my fingers quivering under the weight of my fury as I grip onto the edge of my desk. "If you weren't such an asshole, I wouldn't have to bitch and yap. All you do is talk over me." I gulp, licking my lips and trying to shake the fighting response out of my mind. I should just leave this alone for the night. I shouldn't entertain it at all. But I continue anyway. God only knows why. "It feels like you're constantly choking me--"

"You like that though, don't you?"

There's an almost unnoticeable difference in his voice. His tone is just a bit deeper, the connotations a tad darker, and he drags the words out slowly-- like each sound is a melody waiting to be sung. 

But the problem here is that I do notice, and I acknowledge the change. I don't know what to make of it.

I'm struck into silence, my voice dying out as I struggle to catch the breath that's rushed out of my lungs. Did I hear him right? I know I couldn't have heard differently-- his voice was loud and clear-- but it doesn't make sense. Something like that wouldn't come from him and be directed at me. Ever.

Or would it? 

I think back to the day I sent everyone photos of me. When Sally wouldn't answer and got really defensive over Larry's joke about him masturbating to my pictures.

What if Larry wasn't too far off?

...No. There's no way.

Like the intellectual that I am, I force out a breathless, "What?" 

At this point, I'm waiting for some kind of confirmation on whether my internal war is won or lost. His voice alone makes me feel hot with need, but I don't want to chase an impossible daydream just because he's trying to get a reaction out of me. Which, honestly, he probably just wants to dig my grave even deeper by getting me to admit that I'm attracted to him. Why else would he say that I'd like to be choked?

Sally Face hums, the sound making my heart thump against my ribcage. My head feels fuzzy, like my brain is bouncing around on a fuck ton of bean bags. I can't take in as much oxygen as I would like to; my breaths come out rushed and heavy. Worse, my cheeks burn with more fury than a thousand suns colliding all at once. But worst of all is that I'm falling into that fantasy anyway-- a fantasy where I get to have my way with this insolent man-- whether that way be pleasurable or destructive. 

But right now, I'm wondering if he'd like to choke me too.

"You seem like the type of woman who enjoys a hand around your throat. I'm sure you just love the idea of my hand being the one to leave you breathless."

Has he crawled into my head?

Sudden heat pools between my thighs. I shift, crossing my legs as I blink at my screen, unable to get a single word out.

He sounds intrigued, curious, and just a little annoyed. If anything, it seems he's testing the waters and trying to see what he can make out of the tense situation he's dragged us into.

I lick my lips, hoping to lubricate my dry mouth a bit. It feels as though all of the moisture has traveled down to my core despite how badly I wish I wouldn't respond to Sally like this. Fuck, I shouldn't feel this way.

The way he's speaking, so dirty and promiscuous, makes me feel differently about him for the first time in days. Acknowledging attraction is different from chasing dangerous opportunities.

Suddenly, I can see it. Most of all, I wish I could feel it. The way his ring clad fingers would squeeze my throat, leaving me breathless and begging for more. The way he'd ask me to beg-- we all know he would, he loves when people fall at his feet-- the way his cool skin would feel against me. How would he smell? Like cologne and shampoo maybe, musky but sweet. Or maybe he'd smell the same way he did when we first met.

I take a deep breath, choosing to remain silent as my hand inches toward my thigh. 

Hundreds of different thoughts race through my mind. Yea, maybe this is risky. But the way his voice alone has me dripping in an instant is just something I can't pass up. I can't even arouse myself this much, and Sally Face has managed to do it within two seconds. 

I have access to a pleasurably sick and twisted, possibly embarrassing, fantasy that I'll probably never get again. Ever. Because this is me and Sally Face-- two complete opposites.

No. I can't. I won't. I won't give him the satisfaction-- I won't give myself the satisfaction. I can handle up on the burning in my body and my raging pulse below later. 

I know he wants to damage my dignity, maybe even my reputation. He isn't being serious right now, he's just chasing another win in this longterm game we have going on.

"Your silence speaks numbers," Sally Face says, voice deep, raspy, and smooth. This is far different from the high pitched, aggressive voice he normally uses with me.

I keep trying to tell myself that he's just toying with me, trying to get some incriminating evidence of how fucking hot I think he is. But the way he speaks right now alongside his word usage is just dragging me further into the abyss of craving him even more.

He chuckles at my refusal to answer and the sound sends my brain into a frenzy. That's good. He's on top of his game tonight and it pisses me off, but turns me on all at the same time. How can someone do that? Talent like this shouldn't exist. It's incredibly dangerous.

The proof lies in the skirt bunched in my hands and the clenching of my thighs. Good God, how could just a laugh send me over the edge?

A whimper slips past my lips and I squeeze my eyes shut, praying that Sally didn't hear. It could have been interpreted as me crying or something, but it sounded far too lewd-- though I'd never admit it to anyone other than myself. More than anything, I want him to skip over whatever this is and let me wallow in my pitiful lust for him in peace.

Sally hums again and his next words make the decision that I couldn't force myself to take action on. 

"What a little slut," he seductively says, and I can feel my heart drop to the pit of my stomach. My mouth gapes and the insides of my thighs are soaked by now. What a fucking mess.

His voice drips with shameless desire, something I never could have expected, but fuck it sounds so good coming from him. "Are you touching yourself?" 

"No--" I rush to say with a raging blush on my cheeks. How could I do something like that over a call? Not to mention, how could I do it over him? I definitely thought about it, but there's no way I could do that.

But, if this is all real and his unhidden desire isn't a facade... if we're really going to cross a boundary...

"Listen, Vi," he starts darkly. My thighs clench together tightly and my eyes roll into the back of my head. Just his damn voice alone. "Maybe your words don't normally work for me, but in this situation, I need to hear them. Silence is out of the question, so I'll ask you again. Are you touching yourself?"

I shiver at his use of my nickname, my lips parting. Maybe I wasn't doing much touching beforehand, but now I want to be able to tell him yes. He's never called me by name before and hearing it now, during a time of such heightened emotions, makes me yearn for a chance to hear him moan. To know that he'll get some kind of pleasure from just the thought of me, just the sound of my voice. 

My teeth clamp down onto my bottom lip as I nervously spread my legs a bit, trailing a hand over the inside of my thigh. The light touch makes goosebumps erupt on my skin, but it fills me with a sense of urgency. I'm ready to chase a high I don't get too often.

My fingers run over my panties, the sensation of my cool digits finally touching my heat after craving some kind of release for the past hour or so is erotic. Compared to every other time I've done this, it feels so much different now. Every light touch has me shaking uncontrollably and I've hardly done anything yet. 

My hand dips into my underwear and the tip of my index finger ghosts over my clit as I test the waters, thinking of all the ways the man on the other side of this call can bring me to the most extravagant climax I'll ever see in this lifetime. If only I just give in and let him.

And I think I'll do just that.

"I am now." I finally answer him, the words coming out as a breathy moan as I apply pressure, beginning to move my index and middle finger in slow circles. 

Pleasure erupts within me like a volcano, sending sweet tingles up my spine and rapturing heat to every part of my body. Fuck, just admitting such a thing makes this ten times hotter and I never would've imagined I'd be into something like this.

Sally and I's current circumstances are insane. I didn't think something like this was possible and I'm absolutely raving over my slow-building movements and the thought of how this is going to play out.

My pussy is dripping, my fingers slick without even having to do much work. Sally Face is something else-- talented in ways that I never thought were possible.

I'm faintly able to hear as Sally sucks in a harsh breath, then the sound of a zipper. 

My heart skips a beat then picks up speed, pounding so powerfully that I can feel it in every inch of my body. My eyes widen as I pause my movements, my body almost jolting from the lack of contact. 

I immediately return my fingers to my clit, using more pressure than I did before. I flinch, tilting my head down embarrassedly as I continue moving my digits, indulging in the addictive feeling of bringing myself pleasure because no one can do it as well as I can, though I think Sally may end up being good competition.

I let out a quiet moan that dies out quickly, but I know he hears it.

"Good," he says breathlessly. "Keep doing that. Touch yourself for me-- and you better only think of me."

My eyes shut in ecstasy and I throw my head back, releasing another soft moan that isn't nearly as nerve-wracking as the first. My hand travels over my soaked pussy and my fingers are working faster, handling the ache that only continues to build up.

Sally groans on the other end of the call, a shuddering breath leaving his lips that I wish I could see-- that I wish I could feel. My fingers quicken their pace, rubbing against my bundle of nerves in the most compelling way.

I imagine his hand taking the place of mine, sending me into an endless wave of pleasure-- taking me to heights of debauchery I could never dream of. If anyone could do it, it would be Sally Face. I have no doubts about that.

"Tell me exactly how it feels," Sally grunts, his voice shaking with the force of what he's undoubtedly doing. Just the thought makes the aching in my lower stomach grow and I yearn to see the look on his face. I long to see his hand working along his member.

I can't believe I got this lucky. What's more unbelievable is the fact that I managed to convince myself to actually cross this line with him.

Still, I feel more than just shy when it comes to finding an answer to his demand. He knows what I'm doing, I wish he didn't want me to say it. I don't... think I can say it. Doing it is one thing, but explaining it is something else entirely.

He lets out a frustrated noise. "Say it or I'll leave the call," he threatens, sending me down an even more fucked up path than the one I was already traveling on. His voice is like melting ice, coated in slick and filthy promises, but the looming threat of ending this for good is hidden underneath.

I might rot in my own mind for the rest of time, but I'll do anything to keep this up.

Biting my lip, I drag my fingers down, slipping them between my wet folds before bringing them back up to my clit to continue the erotic pleasure that I'm combining with just the sound of his voice.

"It feels so damn good. I'm thinking of how you look right now. Wishing it was your hands on my pussy instead of my own," I moan out, shutting my eyes again as I readjust my sitting position.

I spread my legs wider, stretching my shoulders as I go faster, applying more pressure.

"Good girl," he says between the tantalizing sounds of his hand stroking his cock on the other end of the line. His breath hitches with every other intake of air, a grunt or a whimper following soon after. "Tell me how much you hate me."

I laugh softly through my quiet moans, a salacious type of exhilaration taking over me and robbing me of my ability to rationally think. I'm too excited, too deep in the sensation of his voice and the dirty things he's saying to me. The disgusting things he wants me to say and, even more, the appraisal he's given even though he holds such strong disapproval toward me.

My hand slides lower and my fingers slip into my heat, the feeling of being filled up making a strangled groan leave my lips. I curl my fingers, hitting my favorite spot that has me mewling like a kitten. And despite feeling amazing already, I wish he was doing this.

"I hate you so fucking much," I groan, my voice high pitched and purely lustful. "You piss me off and I hate that all I want to do is fuck you lately. You hot, aggravating piece of shit." My voice falls into a sinful giggle again as a smile pulls at my lips.

I'm getting so damn close way too damn quickly.

My body is hot and quakes as I focus in on Sally's filthy words and sounds of pleasure, alongside my own delicious movements. What I wouldn't give to be with him at this exact moment. 

I'm almost shocked by my own thoughts.

Sally moans beautifully, the sounds of his squelching movements picking up speed. "Fuck, that's hot," he seemingly chokes out between the force of his brutal pace and the overwhelming feeling that's taking over his body.

The added image of his hand wrapped around his throbbing cock, bringing himself to climax just because of the sound of me-- the idea of me-- brings me one step closer to the edge.

I add a second finger to my dripping cunt, thrusting them into myself even faster than before. I'm almost to the peak, just getting to the edge.

"I hate you. I hate you so fucking much-- you have no idea," He says between gritted teeth before sucking in a strangled breath. "Which is why you're not allowed to cum. If you're so fucking desperate for it, you can wait until I have my hands on you."

A scoff leaves my lips and I only continue what I was previously doing, finding his command hilarious and attractive. Like hell I'll listen to him.

But I stop upon hearing Larry come into the call with an echoing scream.

I fly into a sitting position, my hand leaving its previous position. Harsh pants wrack my body as I shiver, growing aggravated over the pain of losing the climax I was so close to achieving. 

Sally's gone quiet too.

Fuck, did Larry hear us? Does he know what happened?

I'm quivering for an entirely different reason now, my flushed cheeks growing even warmer under the prospect of getting caught in the dirty act I stupidly agreed to. 

I... fuck. Did Sal and I really just do that? We must have. My fingers are soaked and so is my pussy. My heart is racing so quickly that I'm worried I'll flatline. My limbs are tense, slowly growing a bit sore as my orgasm continues to escape me. Not like I'll get that back tonight.

"Are you guys done arguing? Ash just told me you both haven't gone to bed yet and she left like ten minutes ago," Larry grumbles, adding a little giggle.

Oh, thank God. 

I swallow thickly, closing my eyes and leaning against the back of my chair again. I take a few breaths, trying to calm my racing heart. This situation could have turned out much differently, so I'm glad karma hasn't gotten me yet.

Surprisingly, I'm actually thankful that Sally wanted to be a dick in the middle of our erotic moment. It was like a heads-up for Larry's interruption.

I open my eyes, looking over at the discord call and... Sally's gone. He left.

An angry grin pulls at my lips as I chew on the inside of my cheek. That little bastard. 

________________

A/N:::::::::: holy fuck i'm so horrified to post this lmfao. I have never written actual smut in my life so using terms and situations i'm not used to is HARD (like sal's dick) but yeaaaa so i don't know if this is up to par? but hopefully i'll get more comfortable and slowly start to get better at it with time :3

fun fact: i had this smut scene written before i even wrote the first chapters of the story. this entire story is based on this one scene. i had to do some major editing to it since i actually developed a true plot since writing this, but i'm hoping it's improved (which i think it has) since i originally wrote it. 

anyway, i'm asking for feedback tonight! i know i need to improve my smut-writing skills so give me some tricks and tips please <3

as always, i love you all with my entire heart and i'm forever thankful for all the love and support! thank you all for reading <333

[saintship]

Hey I just wanted to request something real quick and if your not comfortable with doing so don't worry about it 🫶🫶

I've been having so much dysphoria lately and I was thinking about an idea where Price had kept in contact with a trans/non-binary teenager they saved a while back and for when in times they needed help with anything Price gave them his number. So reader has been having a huge dysphoric dip and the stress of school has just been way to much on them lately so they called him up and asked for help. (Assuming reader now lives close to their base.) He drives over and just comforts them and let's them know it's okay and he'll always be their biggest supporter.

I've just been craving some good fluffy comfort with Price and again if you're not comfortable with writing this don't worry its absolutely fine. Have a great day/night 🫶

I’m back!

HI IM SORRRYYYYYYY I PROMISE IM NOT ABANDONING THIS BLOG

And to this anon, I hope you’re alright and just know my blog is a place to be you and you're so cool and rad and awesome :)

I just need you

platonic!Price & trans!reader

Some things just don’t go away. The tugging at your skin, stretching as far up and away from your body as you can, the pacing, the staring. It subsides and returns like a rough coastline, traveling everywhere all at once and yet never reaching anything at all.

It was the night you almost died, fittingly, that you truly started appreciating your own. Trapped in a dead end, several figures closing in fast. You heard their radio crackle with a message to capture instead of kill, and couldn’t process which was worse. It all seemed to blur together from then, until you were tucked into yourself, your head between your knees. You felt a hand at your shoulder, which you scrambled away from.

“Woah, hey..”

A gentle voice made you lift your head ever so slightly, seeing a face you didn’t recognize. The shapes lying still behind him proved he’d taken care of your problem.

“Are you hurt?”

Your words felt caught in your ribcage, a fluttering swarm gathering where your courage should be. You shook your head for the negative.

You simply continued to study him, his gentle eyes, the thread of his beanie, his flag patch.

“Right..” He adjusted his feet, now kneeling down fully on one knee. “It would really help me if you could come to the base so I can get you home, okay? It’s not safe here.”

His eyes searched yours with a reverence that confused you to no end. But you nodded.

“Okay..”

“Okay.” His lips twitched gently into a momentary smile before he helped you to your feet.

The base was cold inside, the walls blank and halls narrow, but he kept a hand on your shoulder from the car to his office, the warmth of his palm soothing.

He'd gotten you home safe, talked with your folks, and given you his office number after many attempts of you refusing.

"Call me. Anytime."

So you did. Most of the time, it was you who wanted to know about his life. Military propaganda be damned, with every phone call you were more inclined to hear more about him and his team, which you were both intimidated by and dying to see in person. The first time you called him for a different reason, you couldn't breathe.

"Hey, kid."

"Price.." His name caught in your throat, another wave of adrenaline shooting up your spine. Your room seemed too small, the floor too abrasive, the air too thick.

"Hey, what's wrong? Do I need to come get you?"

"No..no, I.." You huff, angry at your inability to speak. The frustration only built into the trembling of your hands.

"It's too much..everything...I'm going fucking crazy, I can't take this anymore.." Your voice cracked, and embarrassment flashed over your expression. "Price.."

"You need to breathe. Please. Open your eyes, listen to me."

You hadn't realized your eyes were screwed shut until his words encouraged you to open them gingerly, small spots dotting your vision from the strain.

"I know. I know.. listen, you don't have it easy, no question. But your life's only just started. Do your hear me?"

"Yes.."

"Good. Breathe just like that. It's going to be okay, kid, I've got you."

You breathe shakily, nodding even though he can't see you.

"Hey."

"Yeah?"

"Come outside."

You blinked for a moment before hanging up, forcing your legs to carry you to and out the front door. There he was. Sitting against one of those company-issued trucks that he definitely shouldn't be using for this. For you. But he did.

You don't bother with shoes, your socks largely protecting you from the cold pavement as you walk briskly to him. Before you can bother asking permission, he's got you in his arms, rocking you slowly.

"S'alright.." His voice is softer than it's ever been.

"I didn't mean to bother you, I just-"

"Oi. None of that." He replies immediately, pulling back to rest a hand at the side of your head. "I stayed in touch for a reason. You're a good kid, you deserve someone to call when you get like this, you hear me?"

You nod, too emotional at his words to speak without more tears flowing, before collapsing back into his arms.

"Oh, kid.." he hugs you tightly, letting you take the time to hold onto him.

"I'll always support you. With everything you want to be, and everything you go through. I'm here."

[primobamagirl]

It has been a rough six months. My husband lost his job, I am on disability, so we had to withdraw our 401k and be very frugal to survive. I do some stuff on the side to make cash and get SSDI, but not enough to live on, so the hope was my husband would be out of work for only a few weeks. But that stretched to six months...the industry is extremely difficult right now, and most companies aren't even hiring with many layoffs.

Worse, the situation was complicated. We agreed to take a one time payout instead if filing for unemployment so he could keep insurance for a few months on their dime (they paid his premiums, and he was in the middle of a treatment for something), as well as quit on his own instead of it being a layoff l. They had just done a round of layoffs and had promised none were coming so didn't want the shareholders to see more jobs being lost. It was shady as fuck, but they promised some extra perks, including access to a job coaching service and assistance finding his next position, positive references, an additional recommendation, and a second payout to a stick plan with no vesting so we could cash it out whenever.

Ultimately, we knew he would lose his job either way. He'd been having back and forth with HR and they knew he was looking at a disability discrimination lawyer due to the actions of a CEP who did some very stupid things and sent some inflammatory messages to managers about him. It was a mess. But thanks to his industry, we didn't want to sue if we could help it (blacklisting...People talk), and if we didn't take the offer they would have just waited him out a bit and fired him anyway. Which would have eld to the lawsuit, and while we were sure we would have gotten a settlement, it wasn't worth losing his career.

So, not only did we have to live on the one meager payout and the shitty stock cash out for a failing company, plus what I could make, but he has faced so much anger, bitterness and anxiety since then. I've been supportive and loving but with hisninsurance only covered for two months, it was a hell of a time to lose access to his therapist.

Hrs was shortlisted several times for new jobs but didn't land them. He did get one but it fell through when after weeks of perking him around they announced it wasn't in the budget after all. Which...what the fuck? Why start hiring? Pieces of shit.

Amazingly, we made it work. I ramped up my side work and really pushed things. We saved where we could. I double dipped coupons and we sold stuff we didn't use anymore. We cut back a bit though we already live pretty basic lives, so there wasn't much to do.

Yesterday, he not only started a new job, but it is 100% remote and starts with a 20% pay raise from where his last job stagnated. The healthcare is a bit pricey but only because the deductible is only $500 per years with almost no Copay (!!!) And since I'm on Medicare and the kids are covered by their dad, he only pays premium for a single.

What's more, those months of grinding means established a new normal. I'm still well under the monthly maximum for disability but making enough to cover our mortgage and then some, within the bounds of what my body will allow since much of it is passive. Since his income covers all of our bills easily, that will allow us to pay off our house faster and start to save. And we haven't run out of the money we had to get us through the crisis just yet, though we got close.

I can't believe we made it.

[nickywhoisi]

Oh god, the whiplash that happens from what I previously posted and what I previously reblogged

yikes, that's definitely wrong right there...

So in other news, I made a pizza tonight. Fully homemade, with very bare bones cheapo ingredients but it turned out very tasty

Considering all the creasing of my life into a nightmare worse than hell itself...I was still able to make this for myself. It's small, but so so important. This is a small piece of happiness that I needed. Even the bottom turned out nice and not too dark! Which is a pretty huge achievement since the oven I have in this place is...super old. It looks like anywhere from the 80's or the 50's; only knobs, a metal plate on the side that has "Cooking Time" tips on how to cook meats best, it's small, no lightswitch or window to look inside, and nowhere to input time, so I had to use my laptop clock to watch for time and periodically open just to see how it looked. How lucky I am that I can freeball cooking and make good guesstimates from the few past experiences I got with better equipment. I'm no expert, but apparently I am the master of straight up cheesin' it.

I had some spices saved from before I was homeless that I could finally use again, and the sauce is just tomato soup. But it's a nice thick kind that turned out to really work! Should've added more, in fact I might make another one. The cheese is thin sliced paneer, as the closest grocery store I've been going to carries lots of south asian stuff. I have to look harder to find my own culture's local foods, can you believe? I find it so weird that so much of my country has been "taken over" by these immigrated people, and some of it I reallyhave come to be not okay with (cineplex is NOT your ghetto car show where you get to noise pollute into the night, jerks), but also I have really gotten into paneer cheese. It's light and refreshing. I believe it's basically ricotta cheese condensed into a block. Quite nice, it is. And it tastes really good dipped in tomato soup too.

Yeah, I should make another one. I deserve two, or three even. Treat myself.

[ghcstvalleychief]

Okay, okay I have an ask! So just two minutes ago I came across another ask on this other person's blog about the [ REDACTED] actor ( you know who) involved in the KP series. And they were like: no one can know for sure if the apology he has given is genuine or something to save his face and popularity and his career. And if indeed the post made by him was forced by BOC studio officials, then that's them enabling his actions. And yet people are paying them money for the KP series. So my question is, is it hypocritical of us to feel this way?

Also the blogger said that bl as a genre has always been tilted towards misogyny, transmisogyny, fetishization of the lgbtq, colourism and a lot of things. And yet countless series are being made because people consume the shit even knowing what goes on. What is your opinion?

He Who Shall Not Be Named mentioned some things in his official statement that no one had even found yet. He mentioned his past racism? That was the wildest thing to me because no one had even found anything in regards to this past racism yet, but that meant that he knew there was possibly some screenshots out there of him being racist as fuck. I think that's the thing that bothered me about all of this. The things that were found was pretty bad already, but you're telling me there are worse things out there that you posted and you're trying to get in front of it before anyone actually succeeds in locating it? That is troubling and unsettling.

This is really fucking long, so you know the drill.

BOC knew about it and there were some implications that they were preparing for this, which isn't good. That's scary to think this company knew of this person's offensive past and their only thought was to brace for it instead of simply getting rid of him altogether. Granted, I know none of these companies actually give a fuck but even the most greedy of companies know how to pretend like they care about their bottom line and would have gotten rid of him because they wouldn't have wanted the liability of keeping him. Because this is a liability. Especially since he hasn't proven himself to be profitable outside of a show that got famous due to other actors. Like, this company is taking a huge risk because there's no guarantee that he's even going to turn a profit for them in the long run but they're willing to sacrifice their integrity by continuing to allow him to be associated with their company.

It's not hypocritical because he is not the company. Even though the company is making a huge mistake by maintaining that business relationship, he is not the company. He is not the show either, despite what some delusional fans may believe. Think about this - are you willing to punish Mile or Apo for the actions of their stupid ass coworker? Are you willing to stop supporting the company to spite that asshole if you knew it would hurt Mile, Apo, or whatever other cast member you support? Because that's what would happen here. By 'hurt,' I mean in terms of their careers. Lack of support can be detrimental to an individual's career. If we stop supporting the series and the company, it would definitely hurt the careers of the actors we support. So, that's the dilemma here. I can definitely understand the inner conflict but that's another angle to this whole mess.

As for the last part of your question, they're not wrong. I can absolutely agree with that sentiment because the genre as a whole is weird to me. As much as we enjoyed KP, why so little female characters? We had Yok, but we barely had her because she wasn't around that much. Besides her, why weren't there more women in the main cast? I don't have a long history with this genre. I really just dipped my toe into it, but I've definitely seen all of those troubling things from the little bit that I have seen. Even with the way the main couples of these shows tend to be characterized. For example, there are a lot of main couples where there's an obvious lens of heteronormativity and traditional gender roles being applied to said couple even though they're clearly both men. Kinn and Porsche didn't fall into this trap, fortunately, but that's not the norm for this genre. With Kinn and Porsche, there's not a huge height difference. In terms of physical strength and body type, they're fairly equal. One isn't more delicate than the other. They're both equal. You're not going to look at the two of them and immediately decide who's the dominant and who's the submissive.

Even though I like the seme/uke thing sometimes, that type of dynamic has a tendency to veer towards the heteronormative angle we don't want. Why is the more aggressive character so much more taller and stronger than their love interest? Why is the shorter character more delicate, docile, and submissive? Why? It's misogynistic because the shorter/submissive character is always coded as female. For example, Until We Meet Again. Pharm is the shorter character who happens to be more docile and delicate, right? Pharm doesn't enjoy when his partner touches him in a sexual way. When his partner attempts to initiate sex, Pharm freezes up and cringes through it. Media has a long and varied history of depicting women as non-sexual beings. Women are seen as characters who either have to be convinced to have sex or to be outright forced into it. Society is very much the same in this way, as well. Women aren't supposed to enjoy or desire sex. Hence why the submissive character in these dynamics always appear to be coded as female.

I've mentioned the possible fetishization within the genre in the past, but I've never really delved too deep into it. It's interesting to see how TPTB that are responsible for this media feels about the LGBT+ community, specifically gay men. Are you making a mockery of gay men? Are you simply using gay men for clout and money because you know it's a profitable avenue? They don't care about gay men in real life, but they would gladly incite the lust of straight women by ensuring that two beautiful (mostly straight) men engage in fictional sex with each other. I'm also going to say something controversial, but what if the reason some fans are okay with knowing all of this is because they harbor those same offensive thoughts and beliefs? Going back to the asshole I was talking about earlier in this post, do you know how much support That Asshole has gotten since we found out what he'd said? He's gotten a LOT of support from fans and they are very vocal about their support of him even though we know he likes to make fun of rape victims. What does that tell you about the people who would willingly support someone who thinks rape is something to make fun of? People willingly consume media that promotes all of these harmful ideals because that's how they truly feel. Are some of these people too naïve and immature to realize what's happening? Possibly. But some of these people know exactly what's going on, and they're okay with it because that's how they truly feel on the inside. We're all conditioned by the society in which we live in, and we don't live in a society that's open and accepting of anything that's different.

Despite all of this fuckery, that's not the reason I dislike the genre though. Believe me you, all of this is bad enough. I dislike the genre because it's just not good. Quality writing doesn't live here, and that's the unfortunate part. Aside from the lack of quality writing and acting, you have all of these issues on top of it? No thanks! I could stomach all of this if the material was so much better but it's not. It's crap. You can hire all of these attractive actors to round out the cast but the writing is still shit. You can put lipstick on a pig, but it's still a fucking pig.

[bearpillowmonster]

Metroid: Sammy Returns Review

Believe it or not, I have the amiibos for this game, I got them the morning they released, the Metroid is even my chapstick holder. So I guess I can finally see what those do...oh wait, you need a specific reader or the "NEW" 3DS or 2DS XL...dang, I just have my sister's vanilla. (30$ for a reader!) I'll tell you what though, I haven't played 3DS in a long time so maybe I forgot how to hold it but it digs into my palm.

I'd even go as far as to say that this is a darn good sequel. I mentioned how accessible ZM seemed but this one might even be a little more so, that doesn't mean it's easier or anything, heck no, but it shows you the ropes subtly and encourages you in such a way that makes you feel rewarded. Even without some of the new features and coat of paint, the original seems like it did a similar job.

We'll start with some quality of life stuff.

The shooting was already great in Zero Mission but it's boosted just that extra amount by the laser and gyro. Rather than looking to see what can be broken or looking for ways to get into places, there's a scan pulse which shows you, both on the map and in-game, there's even a meter to recharge it by defeating enemies. It's not as if you just click it every step of the way though, it's not Prime, it's just when you feel lost or stuck. You can see the frozen enemies slowly melt versus blinking. You can also put pins on the map.

The melee is introduced here and I think it could use a little work because I could be right next to an enemy, using the button and she swings but no damage is dealt, so it's unfortunately only used as a counter. I'll admit that I tried the Dread demo and it's the same way (because I'm a timing baby and parrying isn't my forte) but I've gotten better and I'm glad it's even there at all. There are also a lot more abilities that I've personally seen in the later games but originated here, as early as the Gameboy classic version too.

It gives you checkpoints so if you die, you can go back to either the room before you died or wherever you were last safe but it's not a save state, it's just for if you die to a boss or something, so once you beat the boss, you're good, you don't have to beat it again, even if you die right after. The orbs you collect (health or scanning) are attracted to you but the game seems less forgiving with damage because I can get hit once and be down over half a tank, as you move through the suits, it starts to get better but enemies also become tougher. Ball bombs status: About the same as ZM but there are items that can act as a replacement so it isn't needed as much.

I do have a complaint though. So there are some parts where either an enemy or wallfire is immediately in the next room (no door) and there's no way to tell therefore, no reaction time and can prove to be a fatal mistake. Maybe that's part of the challenge but it can be hard to tell whether one of the wallfires is on or not when you're in the next room! Especially when you're transitioning from ball to full form. It's rare but it still happens. Also, there are times where the framerate will drop because the screen is so busy and you move so quickly but it's nothing gamebreaking, I just got done playing KH1 on PS2 again and I think I had worse dips in Hollow Bastion than this game if that's a point of reference for you.

Even with reoccurring bosses, I felt like it was justified because they gave variety and whenever you faced the next one, you were usually stronger and learned its patterns already so you can feel how much more powerful and more experienced you've gotten as a player, which in a way is reflective of what Metroid games do as a whole. By the end, you feel like a powerhouse. There's even a part reminiscent of the Mother Brain level where you have to beat all the Metroids and they actually stay defeated as long as you clear that room so no having to restart the whole level again.

This was the game that I started on Christmas, the one I rung in the new year with, just before midnight I got the Varia suit. This game is fun and I felt like I could just play it because it's handheld so I could play casually and or seriously if I wanted. I felt that with the other games as well but this is the first one I played on a proper DS. Pretty sure I spent more time with this than ZM, a whopping 13 hours because I wasn't rushing. So no, I didn't get any of the babes but it's just a picture anyway, maybe one day I'll replay it so I can get the green haired version...or even the fusion one! A great 4/5

(not my image)

[vuutarros]

I was going to say how my morning continued to get worse but actually finally started to improve in the early afternoon ending the day relatively okay.

But then I checked my bank account. The balance is a lot lower than it should be. Did I forget about some big charges coming out? I thought I had accounted for everything and could move money back into my savings (for pretty much the first time in my life I have a savings account that's gotten over $100 in it. And kept above that for more than a week), so checked the transactions and see my deposited pay. Wtf? I go check my pay stub in the app. There's no OT, my boss forgot to approve my OT. I tend to end up doing so much OT, that I've been relying on that to build my savings so I can find a place and finally get away from my parents' house. I'm probably going to have to dip even further into my savings this week. Like, this will get fixed and I will get that money but this fucks up my budget this week.

This day just fucking keeps on giving.

I'm going to go curl up in my bed and cry yet again today.

Well, this morning has been absolute shit. And nothing like crying at work to add that cherry on top.

[impurelight]

Mac OS High Sierra - ♪ I Love It ♪

I recently installed the High Sierra public beta and I'm glad I did. Let's go back to WWDC 2017. Craig uttered this brief statement that felt like an afterthought, "We even moved the window manager to use Metal." I believe he also said something about how the most difficult animations would be accelerated using Metal or something. But this didn't seem too important to Apple in the grand scheme of things.

When he said this my ears perked up. Could it be? Has Apple finally fixed the stuttering of animations? I have wanted to try High Sierra ever since. And now that I had some time with High Sierra I have to say that this change does indeed fix those issues. 99% of the time anyways.

When I first got my Pro the animations were noticeably choppy. So much so that I kept the resolution at 1280x800 rather than the retina resolution of 2560x1600 just to avoid the choppiness. High Sierra is not perfect. There's definitely a little bit of choppiness going on, especially when moving from a full screen application to the desktop, and I suspect the animations aren't a crispy 60FPS.

But the difference between Sierra and High Sierra are like night and day. I can finally use my Mac at the retina resolution without pulling my hair out in frustration. It actually looks like the demo laptops in the Apple Store.

This makes me a lot more hopeful for the MacBook Adorable. The graphics on that thing should be about the same as my MacBook Pro so I'm a lot less worried about stuttering on that now.

That's the really big thing in High Sierra. This choppiness that was present since I got it has finally been fixed. But there are a few other important changes I'd like to discuss.

First is APFS. I thought this would be a bigger deal than it ended up being. Every time I need to change the file system I've had to format a drive so Apple doing it in place is basically magic.

In fact they did it so well I didn't even notice anything changed. When it restarted after the update it showed me all my Windows from before I restarted, a feature I'm shocked Windows has not copied yet, so I didn't know if anything actually changed. I had to look at my disk properties to see: APFS, oh, it actually worked. Speaking of which the main drive now appears in the Finder side bar. A small change.

I haven't seen any speed improvements yet. My Mac was fast enough already. I've seen APFS actually doing worse compared to HFS+ in benchmarks. I'd suspect that's accurate. From what I hear APFS has to write more and more detailed metadata. But in real world scenarios it may be faster.

Now let's talk about Safari. Safari has had perhaps the most changes out of all the apps I've used. First of all the block autoplaying videos is very nice. I know what you're thinking, "But how often do I encounter autoplaying videos?". And you're right but it also blocks youtube videos that are in the background. Not foreground ones, they work normally.

I open a lot of Youtube videos and they take a bit of time to load so sometimes I do something else and then suddenly the youtube video starts playing in the background. Annoying. In High Sierra it's no more. It's one of those things like picture in picture that I didn't think was such a big deal until I actually started using it.

Of course not all the Safari changes are so awesome. The 'always on' reader that they trumpeted is nothing more than an option to automatically open the reader view when opening a page. Also you can definitely tell Apple changed the title font here. I don't like it, hopefully I'll get used to it though. Also it is now harder to get out of the reader mode. You now have to physically click on the reader icon. This is very annoying as text to speech automatically enters this view.

I hope they change it; I already sent a complaint about it to Apple. I recognize a lot of people don't use Safari but I do because of the text to speech integration and the view all tabs options (that firefox removed for some reason).

The view all tabs is, first of all, much faster. It got the Metal treatment. They also don't stack the tabs anymore and they don't load all thumbnails at once. Probably to help with performance but it looks a bit janky.

There are also a few useful tweaks. This may just be me, but the battery life may have gotten better. Well, I'm reaching for the charger less. It might be because of Metal being less graphically taxing especially while watching YouTube videos or maybe APFS is allowing processes to be more efficient. I heard APFS allows for multiple processes to read a file now which I'd imagine increases efficiency by decreasing the reliance on locks and lends to more bursty tasks meaning more time for the CPU to be idle. But what do I know? It could just be me, though, I'm not using any tools to measure my battery life.

There's also a new Wifi icon. At least I think it's new and I believe status bar icons have been spread out a bit more. Finally there is HEVC and HEIC. HEIC will probably become a big deal but I don't see it being important for a long time.

HEVC is overrated. Sure, the OS supports it. But I never use the built in video player so the only benefit I'll get is files encoded in H.265 will now have thumbnails. Because apparently a lot of video players already support H.265. I'm using IINA, basically a prettier version of VLC, and it supports it. I think Apple just popularized it, they aren't actually doing anything meaningful with it. Just like how Apple popularized Helvetica fonts, well they did for me anyways. So this next section concerns mostly H.265.

The hype for H.265 is real. H.265 video takes up a lot less space compared to H.264 and I have not noticed any performance dip when playing it back at 2x speed. I used to compare video codecs to see which one used the least space. I stopped because the change was never that significant (like 10%) but H.265 might get me into it again as using handbrake the difference in size is like 50%. It's huge.

The only downside to H.265 is that video is too clear. Using handbrake the outputted video appears to be less grainy. The difference is slight but it's there and you'll probably notice it on some level when viewing low res video although to actually see what's going on you'll have to compare individual frames. The H.265 video just doesn't seem as crisp. I believe these are compression artifacts being stripped away. This makes the video look a bit softer which I don't appreciate. Now I know why many games have a graphics setting called 'film grain'.

The weird thing about handbrake is it saves H.265 files using .mp4 or .mkv file extensions. When I save a H.265 file I expect it to be using a dedicated H.265 file extension like .hevc. This is like saving a JPG using .png or a markdown file as .txt or an mp3 file as .wav or a GIF using .jif. Madness. Absolute madness. Well that's video codecs for you. They make no sense.

So the last thing I'd like to talk about are the bugs. There's definitely a lot of them in High Sierra. However when I restarted my Mac, like actually restarted not that automatic restart that happens when you upgrade, things got a lot better. Still a few bugs though.

Update: This only applies to public beta 1.

All in all High Sierra is stellar release. I think one of the Mac OS versions promised to fix a bunch of bugs. But I never noticed any differences. And new OS versions in general, whether it be Windows, Mac, iOS, Android, or even Linux have gotten pretty stale with only the occasional feature appearing every so often. High Sierra feels like a big upgrade. If only because it fixes a problem I've had for so long.