#so instead of smashing up his room he’s now doing the equivalent in relationship terms - found a Shannon alike and is blowing up his world

[stagefoureddiediaz]

Just rewatched Eddie’s therapy session with Frank from 5x13 and man o man does it hit even harder now with what Eddie is currently doing to himself!

Frank; I just wonder if you worry about your own well-being, you’re a man who spends all his time managing other peoples pain. Army medic firefighter but not a lot of time facing your own.

Eddie; and drill sergeant of mine used to say that pain is nothing but weakness leaving the body

Frank; you think pain is weakness?

Eddie; it can be. If you get into it.

Frank; Can’t put all your feelings in a box, Eddie. you might think that if you’re strong enough it’ll hold but at some point that box is going to blow open.

Eddie; and take me with it

Frank; you and anyone else around you.

[the-nysh]

Whats your opinon of kiri//baku and todo//deku?

!!!!! 👀 Oooh, *takes deep breath* so I’ve finally been askedthe big question. (Thank you for courteously using the /s to block the ship names out of the tags) Because I DO have opinionsabout them. I’ve mostly kept them to myself, but since I’ve been prompted, Iwill try to be as honest and thorough as I can. :’)

Disclaimer: If you high-key shipeither of the two, please proceed with caution! 

To preface:

If it wasn’t already obvious from the content I reblog (and rave about in thetags), my decisive fav character of the series is Kacchan, and similarly, my otp of the series is with him and Deku(as bakudeku, aka bkdk for short – which is how it’scommonly called on twitter). So going in, that’s my given stance already.

But it wasn’t always this way! :O When I first started theseries I went in pretty cautious, wary, and undecided; I actually never plannedto fall so hard for either the character or the ship (and I rarely ship things tobegin with). That is, until Hori repeatedly bludgeoned me in the face and heartwith all the reoccurring and carefully consistent character development, to thepoint ch120 became the final, decisive nail in the coffin - the point of noreturn for me. :’3 So now, I’m fully invested in seeing how their story pulls through to the end, nomatter what it might become (it doesn’t even need to be shippy). With them thematically established as two sidesof the same coin – on opposite ends of the same spectrum of heroism – the twohalves of All Might who both win and rescue:I want to see how they push each other towards greatness and mature into a pairof the best heroes. It’s a long-term investment of hope and a case of slowburn positive development, in direct (and on purpose!) contrast to its rockyand strained foundations (they ARE immature and emotionally constipated teensafter all), but it’s all been carefully laid out through a steady path ofnarrative foreshadowing. Where the prospects at the end of that path – of mutualsupport, understanding, reconciliation, cooperation, teamwork, trust – arebeautiful and rewarding things that make their ongoing journey of growth worthit. So…for Hori to smash any original expectations I might have had, and makeme fall hard for something I never intended to happen, are examples of whatI consider GOOD writing.

After I realized this, I went and did my research. Which inmy case, is reading up on countless character/relationship meta and fanfics togauge how the fandom sees their potential too. So I am very aware of the multiple sides of existing arguments and the dramathat’s already happened in the fandom (from across both tumblr and twitter). Iknow the western fandom considerably favors kr/bk and td/dk (at least for now), BUT in the eastern fandom,it’s actually bkdk that’s more popular. Hmm, curious why that is?

One of the reasons is partly thanks to the widespread availabilityof fan mistranslations (FA group) that have greatly exaggerated certain characterizations(ie Kacchan), leading to fandom fearmongering and the perpetuation of stigmasagainst the canon development of certain relationships (ie bkdk), which in theoriginal text, were never nearly thatflanderized or as offensive in context to begin with. Include also, adifference in cultural expectations/values, and we get a prickly concoction ofmisunderstandings ready to brew. It’s a poor and unfortunate case of important subtleties/complexitiesgetting lost in translation, while the bad things are blown way out ofproportion, to the point the story’s original intent is sidelined, or worse, canonis deliberately obstructed by translators who already dislike seeing suchcontent (because it’s ‘not their ship’) – so they prevent and hurt othersfrom fully enjoying the progression of the series as the author intended. Peoplecan like what they like (that’s perfectly fine), but in all of my lurking, Ihave SEEN examples of these things (andworse) actively happen, and quite frankly, the spread of this blatant toxicityand compulsive collective ignorance sickens me. So, I choose not to getinvolved with it, and instead focus on the positive.

Because of my preference for meta and faithfulinterpretations of the text (making sure available translations are reliablefor analyzing, for instance), I’ve gathered enough information (andacknowledged enough counterarguments) to make an educated decision for myself onwhat I value most and want to see from the series. Unless Hori veers offotherwise, I’ll stick by that conclusion and enjoy following the series throughto fruition (regardless of what the rest of the opposing fandom might say).

For example, one of the first dedicated and respectful metawriters – back when only the FA scans were available, but who ALSO providedcorrections from the Japanese text where necessary, came to this conclusionabout Deku and Kacchan’s characterizations:  

From ryokure:

“Deku is such a super special case that if a fanfichas him and Kacchan in it - no matter the parings - and they don’t have somecase of mutual obsession, I actually consider that OOC.”

Which, after everything I’ve seen of the characters, I can fully concur withthat statement.

MEANING, if the fandom portrays them off alone, together, or involvedin relationships with other characters and they lack this intrinsic magnetism that binds them together (for betteror worse) – if they can somehowfunction completely normal without being influenced by the presence of anotherand magically not even care about each other anymore, then my suspension of disbeliefbreaks. They’re too OOC. (Unless it’s a fic au where they never met or grew uptogether.) These two are TOO canonically wrapped up in their mutual complexesto simply cut ties, wrap up all their unresolved issues with a band-aid,and essentially ignore a core issue of the series for the sake of ‘shipconvenience’ with others. Their canon relationship is too complex to make such simplifiedportrayals of them believable, or even such flimsy ‘solutions’ for their issuesfeasible. Thankfully, we have Hori actively doing all the hard work for us sowe don’t have to worry about such transgressions like that happening in canon. (InHori’s consistent characterizations we trust!)  

Now then, with all of THISestablished, I can finally answer your main question: my opinion on kiri/bakuand todo/deku.

Let’s start with todo/deku:

Because believe it or not, when I was still new to the fandom and in my earlyresearch stages, I actually lowkey shipped them and read plenty of fics aboutthem too! I was open to them as a pair, but still undecided and wary because I didn’t know who to ship withDeku: either Todoroki or Bakugou. I saw all the widespread (western) fandomcontent for td/dk, with the apparent foundations for the ship based on eventsfrom the Sports Festival, where Deku ‘saves’ Todoroki and acts as the catalystto allow him to defrost his issues with his father and realize his true power.I thought, ‘ooh there’s something interesting in there worth looking forwardto; I’ll keep an eye on how canon develops their relationship from here.’

Unfortunately…canon didn’t give me anything else substantial to build on. Andin my case, those are foundations I NEED to be fully on board and convinced fora ship. It was the equivalent of fandom hyping me up for something to lookforward to, with me sitting there with a huge smile and my arms raised inanticipation…only for the rest of the manga to leave me dry. It was a hugedisappointment. Because except for a few scattered incidents, like from theStain arc and maybe the recent ‘it’s ok for heroes to cry sometimes too’moment, canon progress for their relationship has been severely underwhelmingand virtually nonexistent. Todoroki has chilled into becoming a supportive (yetstill socially awkward) friend for Deku yes, but even Iida has had more canon incidents of concern for Deku’s wellbeing,and challenges Deku into becoming a better person/hero with their interactions.(And yet, fandom support for Deku and Iida is virtually nonexistent incomparison, because their friendship resembles the camaraderie between bros, Iguess??)    

So then I was like, ‘wait, am I missing something here? WHY does the fandomlove td/dk so much, when their canon interactions are so limited, and the onlybig thing that’s happened between them was all the way back in the SportsFestival??’ So, I went and investigated the potential of their relationshipfurther in fanfics (which are quite numerous and popular on a03 I might add).

After taking a look, I began to see trends. Most td/dk fics are heavily skewed in Todoroki’s favor, tothe point of being practically one-sided in character development. The mainconflict in almost all their ficnarratives revolves around solving Todoroki’s issues with his father and comingto terms with HIS powers, leaving Deku as a passive, supporting participant inhelping Todoroki out with his problems. Which, while the two of them could bondtogether over their missing/difficult father issues, after a while this same familyconflict gets old and stale. What else is there? What about Deku’s problems for equality’s sake?He’s the main protagonist! How abouthis difficulties in learning how to make One for All his own too? Ah nope, hecan’t canonically confide in Todorokiabout the secrets of his quirk, now can he. ;) Oh wait. What about his problems with Bakugou? Is the biggest elephant in the room going to be ignored for the sakeof typical couple melodrama, or is my fav character going to be demonized so that Todoroki, the ‘prince’on a white horse, can ‘save’ Deku, the ‘damsel’ in distress, from him?! No way. And THAT is another hugeproblem I have with the ship.

Because in all the fics I’ve read of them, I never once was convinced ofDeku’s feelings for Todoroki. I can understand Todoroki gaining a passing crushon Deku thanks to their fight in the Sports Festival. But Deku? How does heeven fall for him? Just becauseTodoroki is nice and considerate and listens to him? Like a friend? (Deku has Uraraka and Iida forthat too, what makes Todoroki any more special than them in Deku’s life?) Thisties in to my previously mentioned suspension of disbelief and ooc territorynow. Because Deku is not some haplessdamsel in distress ready to be swept off his feet and easily charmed by somepotential suitor; he’s a BAMF with a heroic spirt that’s even feared byBakugou. And these traits are so rarely utilized to their full potential intd/dk fics - Todoroki’s influence rarely even challenges or inspires Deku toBECOME the best he can be to draw out his latent potential. (Iida’s canonicallydone more in that regard thanTodoroki’s ever done.) Again, it feels too one-sided in Todoroki’s favor toimprove as a better person/hero.

Oh yeah, and since Deku became one of Todoroki’s first ‘true friends,’ forTodoroki to fall for him feels like putting too many eggs in one basket,without giving Todoroki the chance tobranch out and make normal/healthy relationships with OTHERS first beforesettling down. He’s a socially awkward kid emotionally repressed by domesticabuse; for him to latch onto Deku, the ‘first’ person he’s finally (andliterally) warmed up to, feels like the budding symptoms of unhealthy copingmechanisms and compensating for Todoroki’s deeper emotional issues. Where it thenbecomes Deku’s ‘responsibility’ to care for the turnout of his wellbeing, whenNO - Deku’s got plenty of his OWN issues to become burdened with someone else’s on top of those. Plus in canon,Todoroki’s doing just fine and is perfectly capable of handling his personal problems onhis own without having to depend on Deku.

Again, it’s all touchy territory that feels like it sidelines the mainintent of the series itself – by branching off into the deep end of Todoroki’sangst at the expense of Deku’s, or worse: simply wrapping everything up with afluffy bow called ‘the power of love.’ Nuh-uh, not only is that immenselyidealistic and unrealistic, but it’s totally not the kind of content I signedup for when I started the series. I’m frankly not interested in delving into thoseoff-tangent topics in opposition to canon, where Deku’s problems are oftensidelined, his characterization compromised, and my fav character (Kacchan) eitherbecomes an exaggerated, antagonizing impediment to their ship or is simplytreated like he doesn’t even exist. (My patience and willing suspension of disbeliefonly go so far.)

In the end, Todoroki’s a supportingcharacter. In a tertiary tier after the protagonist (Deku) and the deuteragonist(Bakugou). Yet in td/dk fics he’s almost always turned into a main protagonistsomehow. I can understand his appeal and why he’s so popular in the fandom, yes(and I like him too!), but there’s a point where this exposure becomes TOO much,the limit to his available canon issues becomes saturated and repetitive, and itultimately becomes so tiring to keepcoming back and addressing the same topics in fanon when canon has alreadymarched on to focus on more pressing issues. I’m more interested in exploring those other things.

So nowadays, whenever I see td/dk content, I go ‘ayy that’s nice (or cute),’and keep on scrolling. It doesn’t bother me, but it doesn’t interest meanymore either. I probably won’t touch anymore fics of them together either;I’ve seen and had enough. I’m actually more receptive to seeing Todorokiinteract and develop friendships with other characters, like Inasa (the wind guy from the rival school)or even Momo for instance. Either of those ships I see around, I’m cool withtoo.

The final line: I don’t ship them (anymore), because canon swayed me over with the more pressing and compelling developments of bkdk.   

NOW, it’s time to talk about kiri/baku:      

To start, I actually LOVE Kirishima as a character. And I’ve alreadyestablished upfront that my fav character in the series is Kacchan. So whatgives? It turns out their ship has neverbeen on my radar.

Kirishima is a great character, but I’ve only ever seen him as a supportive bro. To EVERYONE in their class. Whichis precisely how Hori designed him: to be a compassionate/empathetic nice guywho bridges the gaps between the class with his vigorous enthusiasm and support(same role that Denki shares, by the way). And he fulfils this role splendidly.But he ALSO has his own insecurities and developing friendships with manyothers in the class – Denki, Mina, and Deku included. All of those people areimportant to him (and I’m cool with all their ships with him too). Kirishimadoes not solely revolve aroundBakugou.  

It’s true that near the beginning of the series, Bakugou was an angry loner,Kirishima trailed after him on his own accord, and after seeing his version of‘manliness’, decided to stick by him and support him, because Kiri saw thepositives of his character that ‘no one’ else bothered to see. (NOT true; Dekuhas always seen and admired Kacchan’spositive traits since they were children.)And so what’s canonically established is a budding friendship where Kirishimafulfils his given role to bridge gaps (whenever Bakugou strays away from theclass), essentially working as a rubber band plot device, and as a secondperspective – aka a fresh lens, for the audience to view Bakugou’s positivequalities.

All of this I’m cool with. I actually enjoyseeing their canon interactions and the kind of fun, slapstick way they bounceoff each other. (I even like the concept of Dragon!Kiri too!) BUT, it’s whenfanon starts twisting their canon relationship into shippy territory, that’swhere things start getting…ugly, at least for me.  

Remember, I’ve always only seen Kirishima as a supportive bro, and I MEAN that. They have the samered eyes. The same style of spikey hair. The same pumped up mannerisms whenthey get going. Too many similarities that rub me the wrong way when put in aromantic context. (The only difference is that one of them is the soft-hearted ‘niceguy,’ and the other is the outwardly prickly ‘asshole.’) To me, to ship them feels like the equivalentof taking the parallel ends of two polarized magnets: you can manually forcethem close together, but in the end, they cannot touch because the same ends ofmagnets naturally repel. Now, flip one of those magnets around (aka turn it intoDeku), and boom, the opposite ends attract with explosive force. And THAT ishow bkdk feels to me in comparison.

However, the kr/bk fandom doesn’t stop there. I know there exists plenty of fics about them, but I’ve never read any, and frankly, I never will, not even for curiosity’ssake. Because from the overabundance of otherfandom content, I already know what their ship dynamic is about. And it doesnot appeal to me at all.

Remember how I said Kacchan is my favorite. I do not appreciate when thefandom warps him into either a demonized or castrated caricature of himself –aka when they turn him into someone he most definitely is NOT, all for the sakeof a ship. Or worse: when they use Kiri’s relationship as a means of changingBakugou into a character they findmore appealing. NO. Even more worse: when they treat Kiri’s whole character as awalking plot device for ALL of Bakugou’s positive character development. Fuckno! Kirishima doesn’t deserve this dehumanizing treatment by the fans, andneither does my fav, getting subjected to this…betrayal to his whole character.

What am I talking about? When fans insist that Kiri is the ONLY personBakugou can be ‘nice’ to, outright forsaking or ignoring the canon developmentseither of them have with other characters – what about Denki, the rest of the‘Bakusquad’? Or Deku? Remember my dislike for ignoring the elephant in the room back in my spiel about td/dk?Well here, it’s infinitely times worse.

Because Kiri does not become aconvenient narrative replacement to ‘solve’ all of Bakugou’s problems or themeans to correct his bad behavior. It’s not even Kiri’s business orresponsibility to do so! (Same deal if Uraraka is shipped in Kiri’s place.) Hispresence doesn’t challenge Bakugou’s current conduct or world views to improvehimself as a better person, OR actively affect his drive to become the best hero.At most, Kiri endures the brunt of Bakugou’s outbursts when they happen(because he can harden with his quirk, he can ‘take’ it, and their banterbecomes ‘humorous’ and ‘harmless’…no, it absolutely does not) and amicably slides off any further implications with a ‘heyman, that’s not cool’, or excuses/accepts it with a ‘it’s fine because he’s justbeing himself.’ Now we have a situation where Kiri becomes a passive ‘butt-monkey’to Bakugou’s whims and actually enableshis unacceptable behavior to persist. And Bakugou somehow becomes fully invested in a single confidant who babies andpicks up after him (how the heck? no way would he allow himself to get ropedinto a relationship like that, if any at all. He’s strong and independent enoughto handle himself fine.). Even when it’s portrayed where Kiri is the ‘only’ oneBakugou’s nice to, they’d exist in a vacuum tunnel, sealed off from the influenceof others, and become a spiraling fester-hole of static development. None ofthese prospects are the ‘healthy’ long-term results that fandom seems to claimthey are. Tell me, if Bakugou was reallyan abusive character, would his behavior magically ‘fix’ itself simply thanksto Kiri’s passive influence or ‘the power of his understanding kindness and love’?The answer is a resounding and definite NO. The only person who can canonically stand up to Bakugou’s behavior (andnot brush it off), fundamentally challengehis world views and complexes, match him in equal and opposite intensity with themutual drive to be the best, and receivethe full extent of his turbulent feelings, is Deku.

This is what I’m referring to when I say fandom often ‘ignores the elephantin the room,’ because THIS (Deku and Kacchan’s relationship) is an established,ongoing and important core issue of the series itself, that many shippers wouldrather sideline for the priority, current gratification, and fluffy convenienceof an opposing ship. Aka, simply slap them together with the first nice friend theymeet (in both Todo and Baku’s cases, it’s the ‘too many eggs in one basket’problem again…), who will solve all their problems and work to ‘change’ theminto better people…somehow? No, that’s the case of unrealistic, wishful thinking bad writing andtaking the easy way out when something -the elephant in the room- is too challengingand complex to tackle head on. Thankfully, Hori IS tackling their story head onas purposely intended, so I don’t have to worry about canon jumping the sharkon the progress of their relationship.  

So, instead of Kiri being shipped with Bakugou, I much prefer him as a supportingcharacter (a supportive bro!!) who helps ease Bakugou into social/emotionalsituations that he’d normally avoid (which is how Hori originally designedhim??? to bridge those gaps -aka Bakugou’s loner distance - in the class) I’veread plenty of bkdk fics where Kiri becomes the mvp BECAUSE of his natural abilityto do this! With him as a much-needed wingman, voice of empathetic reason, and trustedsecond opinion who Bakugou can confide in to help confront his chronicemotional constipation over Deku. Shipperscan claim that Kiri helps Baku come to terms and become receptive to ‘softer,’ affectionatefeelings when they’re together, when it’s actually the opposite: Kiri becomes astepping stone for Bakugou to learn how to ‘make friends’ with other people whenthey’re apart. ‘Other people’ meaning: Denki, the ‘squad’, Todoroki, the restof the class…and most importantly, Deku.Let my son -Kacchan- learn how to form healthy, genuine relationships withpeople again, so he can gain the necessary experience and maturity to reproach hislifelong treatment of Deku and decide to patch up their relationship on his own terms. This, I feel, is a much more satisfyingoutcome and effective use of Kiri’s character, both in his involvement withBakugou and for the long-run benefit of the series itself.

But instead of seeing it this way, much of the (western) fandom overexaggerates the importance of Kiri and Baku’s relationship, to the point it notonly overshadows the content of other ships, but obfuscates the actual translated GEN contentof canon itself. (WHY!?!) I’m not even going to touch the propensity, hypocrisy, and irony of their shippers to harassand bully others for their opposing shipping preferences (that’s a whole other can of worms). Overall,it’s gotten so bad and obnoxiously rampant that I’ve been forced to block the ship tag for my own sanity and enjoyment of theseries. The ONLY time it’s ever beenrequired for me to use the blacklist function here, and that’s saying something.

Therefore: I support their friendship as supportive bros, but kr/bk as a ship was never on myradar. I’ve never shipped it, and I will notbecome interested in their potential as a pair. I used to be ok with seeing fan content of them around…until thefandom essentially and unfortunately soured it into a notp for me. Welp!   

And there we have it, my full opinion on both ships. I hope that satiatesanyone’s curiosity on the matter, as so far I’ve had plenty of personal reasonsto stay in my own lane and only show my avid support for bkdk. This I’ve confidently decided and I will continue todo so, for as long as I’m invested in the series.  

For some further reading and similar informed opinions:  

http://explodo-smash.tumblr.com/post/165154054112/not-to-pit-ships-against-one-another-but-i

http://explodo-smash.tumblr.com/post/163895267877/why-do-you-ship-bakugou-and-deku-if-its-abusive

http://tinyshinysylveon.tumblr.com/post/168731953134

https://punkbakugo.tumblr.com/post/170514358890/do-you-think-that-the-fandom-over-exaggerates

Also related: my opinions about Kac/chako. And Izu/Ocha.

Edit: now cross-posted on a03

[evangelene]

What You Can’t Have

Summary: You always want what you can’t have: You want Seokjin, Yoongi wants Yoora and the only seemingly happy couple is the wanted themselves. Until you and Yoongi get drunk one night and fall into a relationship that neither of you wanted or planned. The only problem is, could either of you move on from your first loves to fall again?

From this anon’s request!!  “ Can I request a YOONGI ANGST where you are in love with Jin but Jin has a girlfriend and YOONGI is in love with Jin's girlfriend and you grieve together with YOONGI (who's your best friend) but accidentally got drunk together and slept with him.”

THERE WILL BE ONE MORE PART TO THIS SCENARIO

WARNINGS: Sexual situations, blood, angst, idiocy, derpiness, general super fluff for whatever reason, also heartbreak. The usual. You know me.

PART TWO / PART THREE

They always said that when your heart was broken it would mend itself by rebounding into new love--feeling whole through a person that was so vastly different than the one you lost or couldn't have. But, it could be any person really; it honestly did not matter if they were someone different than the last. As long as the rebound was next to you and equally as drunk, then the name and appearance of the person would not stop you from shoving your tongue down their throat. Nor would it remove their hands finding solace in tracing the line of your panties through your skinny jeans.

Granted, you didn't know who "they" referred to or if "they" even actually said it--if you were sober you would have realized that rebounding was a stupid decision felt by those either inexperienced in love or too intoxicated to care if their best friend was removing their shirt. Well, to be fair to yourself, the alcohol was fooling you into believing that Yoongi was the person that you loved for 90% of you conscious life instead of someone who shared your misery. It was only when you sat with your back pressed up against brick, your ass on top of an old wooden work bench in the supply closet of a bar, and your fingers embedded in Yoongi's hair (how was that shit so soft?), that you were reminded of the stupid word.

Rebound.

The term had always sounded harsh and negative; it always meant something dangerous--broken hearts and a year's worth of tears. Well, with several rounds of shots and that cocktail the bartender had railed for you that night fogging your mind, the idea of a rebound sounded amazing. You'd tried everything to lose your feelings for Kim Seokjin, but maybe, maybe this man who tasted like whiskey and soju and smelled like bleach from the nearby shelf would drag those feelings out from your heart and purify the empty cavity for himself.

If you were sober, you would have doubted it, but drunk you was a gullible sap--even to your own inner ramblings.

"We can't." You murmured in a second of sobriety--one that was quickly drowned out by the poison of alcohol on Yoongi's tongue. Despite the statement, you did not pause in your ministrations nor did you try to pull away from the male.

Yoongi, himself, was too far gone for proper speech so he only grunted and, when his hands roamed your sides in just the right, tender way--you fooled yourself into believing that the man you were letting unzip your jeans was, in fact, Seokjin.

For Yoongi, you were sure that he thought your hands on his hips were Yoora's--considering he kept mumbling her name into your neck as he left kisses and bruises behind.

Since the time you were ten and Seokjin handed you a daisy because "he couldn't find a rose" you'd been crazy in love with him. Your parents and his had always been close, so the two of you grew up together from the moment you were in diapers, to the time his mother asked if you would go to Seoul with him to keep him safe, and to the moment you were in now with Yoongi's lips on yours. Ever since that first, stupid day where Seokjin gained his gene to flirt, you became keenly aware of your feelings for him. You were so sensitive to his laugh, his smile, his voice, the way he looked, his glances and even moments of his personality that you could only watch through screens--every part of him seared into your heart and made you fall more and more in love with him.  The only problem with your love was that it was unrequited; you could catch every man except for the one you wanted most: the elusive Kim Seokjin. Which was also a lie because you were pretty sure the male species ignored you, save for two special cases that dated you for only a couple weeks a piece. They were quick to leave when the both of you realized that no man would ever stand up to the prince himself, not in your heart at least.

For Yoongi, as you later learned, Yoora was the equivalent of your Seokjin--she was his childhood friend, his closest person, his everything until you stepped in and shared in his secret to steal best friend from her grasp. That didn't mean that she meant less than you, she was Yoongi's entire world, the one person on the planet that was capable of making Yoongi give up music forever if it meant keeping her in his life. But Yoora was sweeter than store-bought frosting and came with sprinkles and cherries--she would never have asked anything of Yoongi and would never leave his side, as a friend. She made the latter very clear when Yoongi introduced her to Seokjin and hearts bloomed behind their eyes.

That left both you and Yoongi in the friend-zoned dust.

One year ago to the date, Seokjin introduced you to his first ever girlfriend--Yoora--in front of all of Bangtan. You, who let everything shatter behind a mask of faux-happiness, shook her hand and congratulated them both. Shortly after, you found comfort with Yoongi who was hiding behind blocky headphones and his laptop--he was on the couch farthest away from the happy couple and, therefore, it became the perfect spot for you as well. Yoongi was always more observant than you and your oblivious ass, he was always keenly aware to the emotions and feelings that people had for themselves and others--even if you prided yourself on being good at hiding your true thoughts.  Yoongi had already sensed the connection between the two the moment that he introduced Seokjin to his childhood friend.

"You like him." He'd typed out on his screen, shifting it just enough so that you could see it.

You'd stared at him wide-eyed, like a dog caught being in the garbage. He had only chuckled and told you his deepest secret--his reserved love for Yoora--to gain your trust and share in your mutual patheticness. Apparently he needed a friend who knew every part of him just as much as you did.

That moment was all it took for the two of you to excuse yourselves and make your way to a bar where you spoke about your dejected feelings for the next handful of hours--drink after drink after drink. Nothing had happened that first night aside from some tipsiness and calling a cab with giggles on your part and Yoongi holding the back of your jacket as if it was your scruff. But, the two of you made drinking a regular hook up until it got to the point where you were kissing him and he was leading you to a supply closet with the dusty silhouette of a sign that was stolen months back. You blamed the bartender for making the drinks extra strong that night and yourself for spotting Seokjin and Yoora kissing as you were leaving the boys' dorm.

As Yoongi's lips found your breasts beneath the cups of your bra, you felt the part of your mind that said this was stupid leave you alone with your bad decisions.

~.~

You rolled in your morning half-sleep, half-awake state, the sheets tangling around your waist and pinning you to the bed as you smashed your face into your dying pillow. You could feel the light wafting in from your blinds, taunting you with the piercing migraine you could already feel bubbling at your temples. Despite the fact that it was finally beautiful outside, your hangover made you want to raise a big middle finger to the prospect of doing anything other but sleep, eat, and drink a shit ton of water. You were convinced that alcohol should be banned; well, you were always convinced the day after a heavy drinking session, but that didn't mean your love for the toxin that made you forget everything about Kim Seokjin was going to wane anytime soon.

What finally got you to open your eyes was when a sudden masculine, muffled groan hummed across the bed. You snapped around to face the consequences from last night's drink-till-you-can't-remember-fun-times.

Yoongi lifted his face from the depths of a pillow, squinting until his focus landed on your face. Unlike you, who shrieked and twisted dangerously to the side, he had a calm reaction; he grabbed your wrist before you could fall head-first off the side of your bed. When he deemed you were in a safe position on the bed, he grabbed the end of the sheets and held them out to you. You looked down, and then, red-faced, you snatched them from his grasp and covered your naked body. Your eyes were widened the entire time; Yoongi thought your tear ducts would dry up from the amount of exaggeration.

"I don't know how you ever thought you were good at hiding your emotions. Your thoughts are on your face--Seokjin is just blind." He grumbled, dropping his head back to the pillow as his messy fringe dangled in front of his eyes. Yoongi made no move to get up and leave the comfort of your bed, unlike you, he was perfectly content with everything--or at least he appeared so. You looked around the room--your room--trying to fixate on anything but the exposed, pale skin of Yoongi's back. He wasn't muscular in the traditional way; it was a quiet wiry kind of muscle and he--

You tried to stare at the lamp on your nightstand instead; you swallowed. "D-did...did we--"

"Have sex?" Yoongi raised an eyebrow at you. "You obviously weren't a virgin, so I didn't think that you'd be so shy about this all in the daylight." He chuckled as redness spread up your chest, neck, and across your face until it warmed your ears. "Well then, I wasn't one either--but at least I had more experience, that or I just get drunk more."  Your gaze found new solace in your discarded jeans--half ripped--on the floor.

How either of you remembered even the bits and pieces of last night was beyond you--the entire revelry was a drunken blur.

"Y/N. It's alright, we were both drunk so neither of us could consent--I'm not going to go out and hurt you and I trust you." Yoongi's gaze pierced the side of your face. "You're the only one that knows about my feelings for Yoora. If this had to happen with anyone, I'm happy that it was with you."

Yoongi never said sorry directly, nor did he ever say anything sweet, kind, or really anything without a tinge of bite to it. Right then, you knew that it was him telling you that you meant something to him. It wasn't romantic love, but friendship--for Yoongi, you had taken up the role of best friend. It warmed the cold to your skin, but it didn't unravel the knot in your stomach. "It--it was still a mistake. I--I don't like it, Yoongi. I'm-I'm--"

"Sh sh." He murmured. "Why?" There was no anger to his voice, no hurt feelings that you could detect. You knew him well enough by now to know that, even if he was hurt by your words, there was no way for you to tell. After all, he was known as the owl and you were the fucking turtle forever locked in a slow gait; the turtle who saw nothing around the blinders of your shell.

"Because--because we like other people? Because our feelings for each other only make a friendship borne out of mutual sympathy. Because we're not dating--because it could ruin our friendship? We're...we're--" Your lip started trembling and you curled up into the sheet wrapped around you. You let your head drop, your hair curtaining your face from Yoongi; you were already aware that he knew you were starting to crack before him--that the stress of the past year had finally hit you hard in this one moment. Suddenly, you were sobbing.

Yoongi shifted so he was up on his elbows; you could feel him trying to see through your hair to your face, though he didn't directly touch you. "Y/N, I don't think that this was a mistake--I think it was the universe's way of giving us a new route."

"You've been hanging out with Namjoon too much." You stifled the shake to your voice with the sheets. "What route? More heartbreak? This was a mistake, such a mistake, Yoongi."

You felt him shift, just enough to sit--just enough to place his hand on your head. Yoongi wasn't ever a tender human being on the outside; he didn't offer hugs, he never wanted to talk about emotions, but his hand on your head was the closest he got to any of it. "Would it still be a mistake to you if we started dating?"

You tucked your hair behind your ear, peering up at him with reddened eyes and confusion in your gaze.

He shrugged. "So what if we like different people? Maybe that will change or maybe it won't, but you seem so insistent on labeling this as something rather than nothing. Besides, this way we can justify the time we spend together by slapping on the titles of boyfriend and girlfriend? If we're dating, then sleeping together last night won't bother you, right? You've never been the type for one-night stands anyways."

"And you are?" You worried your lip between your teeth, the weight of his hand soothing your tears. "There are other girls, so many other girls--"

"I don't tell you about my sex life because I'm not Jungkook and I don't like to brag about it. But if you're curious, I have had my fair share of one-night stands." He chuckled when you grimaced and looked away. "And I'm not talking about other girls, I'm talking about you. I don't extend this offer to every girl that comes crying, only you."

"--Okay." You fully met his gaze, "okay. We're dating."

~.~

You didn't know how long this dating thing was going to go on, but, if it measured up to your past relationships, then it would last shorter than a month. For you, you were only aware of the fact that your best friend was now there for you in a way that he hadn't been before. Yoongi was never one to go back on his word; you were dating and so therefore he committed fully to it.

As the two of you started towards the boys' dorm, you felt Yoongi's hand nudge your arm. Without thinking, your fingers found his. His hand was large--you never noticed it until it was wrapped around yours. Such long, and skinny fingers; they were cold. Yoongi's hand wasn't the bright warmth that came from Seokjin's, but his was grounding--it was comforting in a way that Seokjin's could never be. You glanced at him from the corner of your eye, only to find him already staring at you.

"Y/N, we don't have to do this if you don't want to."

Your heart lurched into your throat, but you shook your head to clear the temporary nausea. "No, no this is good. This'll be good."

He squeezed your hand so lightly that you almost thought you imagined it. You stared at him, gently squeezed back, and nodded. He had the smallest of smiles on his face as he helped lead you up and into the boys' dorms.

The moment you opened the door, it was pure chaos--as happens when you have seven boys who don't know the meaning of the word quiet or calm living together. Taehyung skidded into view, Jungkook's cracked-to-holy-hell phone in hand. Instead of continuing forward in whatever game of cat and mouse the maknaes were playing, he stopped the moment he saw your hand in Yoongi's--which immediately resulted in Jungkook tackling him to the ground at the end of the foyer. You hadn't even had time to take off your shoes yet.

Jungkook stared between you two at your conjoined hands before looking up at Yoongi for answers to the millions of questions obviously flying through his head. Taehyung wasn't faring much better.

"When did that happen?"

Yoongi shot the two a glare, but wouldn't let go of your hand--even when you needed it to take off your shoes. When you peered up at him, you noticed that he wasn't even paying attention to you; in fact, he didn't even know that he was still holding onto you. You squeezed his fingers lightly, causing him to snap his gaze to you. You gave him a soft smile, of which allowed him to let go of your hand long enough to untie and kick off your shoes.

"Ready?" You nodded to him.

He gave a small jerk of his chin towards the living room, his eyes soft.

"When did what happen, Taehyung? What's all the commotion about?" Seokjin's voice froze your insides, making your feet stiff and hard to move. If it weren't for Yoongi, you wouldn't have been able to keep moving forward. The eldest member turned the corner, prepared with a grin and open arms for hugs--until he saw your hand in your boyfriend's. Your breath hitched; about to shake and crack until it was covered up by Yoongi's grin as he lifted your hands up and spoke for you.

"We're dating."

"Who's dating?" Yoora said, slipping her arms around Seokjin's waist from behind. She peered around his bicep since she was too short to see over his shoulder. Even though Yoongi's grin never wavered and he managed to keep it together, you could feel his fingers shake in your grip.

"We are." You said. "Me and Yoongi, we're dating now."

And, as the sword that pinned you both together, both of their faces broke into big, wonderful smiles that shattered what stupid hopes you had. You wanted to turn and run back out the door, but, like always, it was the thought of Yoongi going through it all alone that allowed you to stay. You always stayed for him. In reality, dating him wasn't turning out to be anything new for either of you other than more time together and less drinking. When you glanced at Yoongi from the corner of your eyes, you saw that his own gaze was following the path of Yoora's hand as she grinned up at her boyfriend in pure glee.

~.~

"Are you okay?" You murmured in the car on the way back to your apartment, peering at Yoongi's white-knuckled hands on the steering wheel.

He licked his lips, staring at the road like there was an entire world that you couldn't see splayed out before him. "What do you think?" His voice cracked at the end, but there were no tears. Min Yoongi was not known to cry, in front of anyone or over anyone.  Why should a broken heart be any different?

You didn't know how to respond or how to help him--all you knew was that you wanted to. This man was not Seokjin; he was not the fairy tale prince that you'd spent your life pining after, but Yoongi was something to you. He wasn't yours, but he was important; for you, that fact alone was enough.

"Yoongi, turn here." You crossed your arm over his line of sight, pointing to a street that would take you in the opposite direction from your apartment.

"But that's the--"

"Turn here." He met your gaze, and this time you didn't look away. He searched your eyes for a long while before letting out a sigh.

He turned.

"Okay, keep going straight and then at the end of the road take a left and straight up."

"Where are we--" His words died when you smiled at him and pressed your finger to your lips. Yoongi was playing nice for now, but you knew you had to tread carefully; he was at the end of his limit for today.

"It's a surprise--I think you'll like it."

~.~

At the top of the hill you had Yoongi turn into the parking lot, unbuckling your seatbelt after he turned the car off.

"Y/N." He sounded tired, ready to get this over with. "Where are we?"

Despite the fear that you would disappoint him--that you would make him mad--you managed to keep the smile on your face. Even though he was irritated, Yoongi followed after you, albeit slowly and with ever grating patience. You slid yourself over a wooden fence at the end of the lot, planting your feet on the grassy hillside. "Careful." You murmured, stretching your hands out over the fence as guides for him. "This hill is pretty steep and there's a cliffside--a smallish one--that drops straight down into trees and brambles."

"You know that from experience?" Even though you couldn't see his expression you knew he was raising an eyebrow at you.

You grinned. "I may have tried to climb it once or twice. There's a trail that used to run through the bottom of it but it's been closed down for years now." You kept your grip on his arm until you were sure that he had good footing, but, since it was dark, you kept one hand laced with his just in case.

"Why did you take me here, Y/N?"

You pointed with your freehand over the top of the treeline to the night sky. "This is the one place in town that is the farthest away from the city lights--look, you can see the stars from here." You bit your lip, looking over at Yoongi who craned his neck to see the constellations you were pointing to. "Seokjin was never interested in the night sky, but my mother and his would often go to observatories just to see these. I used to know practically every star in the sky but I think it was edged out with primary schooling. Back at home though, I could see them just by walking outside. When I see them here, they stars make me feel less lonely.

He nodded, staring up at them with the same look that bored teenagers gave to their teachers in school.

You tried your damnedest not to show your deflation by covering it up with more babbling; you had a tendency to either talk a ton or not at all when you were nervous. For some reason, you wanted to make Yoongi happy--you wanted him to smile again, if only for a moment. "I thought that maybe if you saw them the way I see them that it would remind you that there are so many stars. For me, the number of stars correlates to an ocean of people. Both of us are stuck on one, singular star right now because we never left to explore others. There are entire constellations of falling in love that we've never known. When I see the stars, I believe that we're not a glitch in the system of life; we'll find other stars eventually. Every star has a reason and so does every person that is attached to it."

His features softened from exasperation, to acceptance, to something that you couldn't name. His hand tightened in yours. "Now who's the one who's been hanging out with Namjoon too much?"

"Jealous?" You bumped shoulders with him, chuckling.

"No. Namjoon's just your friend--I'm your best friend turned boyfriend." He grinned at you with a wink.

You were happy that it was too dark for him to see the gentle flush to your cheeks--though you blamed it on the cold.

~.~

You sat in your cubicle at work, furiously typing up the 30 different documents you had open on your computer, when the buzz of your phone in your pocket startled the shit out of you. Cursing at yourself, you held your cell to your ear with your shoulder so you could continue sorting through the mess that was your desktop.

"Hello?"

"Y/N?" You recognized the voice instantly as Yoongi's--throughout the last year, you'd become accustomed to his voice over the phone.

"Oh hey--what's up?" You were distracted by the screen.

"Ah, well, you know...uh--since we're dating now, I thought that maybe we'd actually have a first date."

"Oh?" You could hear him shifting nervously, and so you forcefully pulled yourself from all other distractions to focus solely on him. "That would be great. Really, I would love that Yoongi."

The tension released on his end and you could practically hear the rush of relief in his voice. So the boy wasn't new to sex but was incredibly new to relationships--you don't know why that surprised you so much. "How about tonight?"

"Eager are we?" You chuckled, grinning at your shoes.

His small snort of a laugh crackled the phone in your ear. "It's been a week since I've seen you last--is it wrong to want to see my girlfriend from time to time?"

You winced at the word girlfriend.

"It's not wrong, but it is weird. I mean, we're only in this relationship to feel less lonely and stupid for sleeping together. We don't even have feelings for each other Yoongi, it...it's weird."

"You're never going to move on by refusing to even attempt change." There was no anger to his voice, nor any annoyance that could be found over a phone. He was used to your blunt character--you always were and always had been. For him, it came with the territory of your personality; which was fine, because it was a trait that Yoongi was accustomed to--it was one of his own as well.

You tilted your head over the edge of the chair, staring at the pinpricks in the ceiling tiles. "Then move on for me; change my mind for me--it's too much hardwork."

"So how about tonight at 9?" He chuckled.

"9 it is. Formal or casual?"

He was silent for a while. You could hear him tapping away on a keyboard and shifting through papers. "Ah, we're real good at casual so how about formal?"

"I like how that sounds." You grinned at the tile with florescent lights.

"See you then."

You tucked your phone back into your pocket, stretching yourself out to prepare to go back to work until Soo, your nosy co-worker in the neighboring cubicle, poked her head over the rim of the flimsy dividing wall.

"Y/N!" If you were in a worse mood, you would have pretended to gag at the fake sound of your name on her lips. "Did you finally manage to get a boyfriend?"

You didn't turn around to face her; it was easier to just pretend you were busy and didn't hear her. Unfortunately for you though, this news was just too juicy for her to drop. "Hey Soo. Yes, I did." You sighed, suppressing the urge to roll your eyes.

"Oh good, I thought you were going to be forever alone." You could hear her getting comfortable; she always did enjoy gossip instead of work. You desperately wanted to tell her just how useless you thought she was, but that was mean, even by your standards of blunt. "Sooo...who's the lucky guy?"

Your fingers paused on the keyboard as you stared blankly at the screen. It had never occurred to you that you would never be able to tell anyone (other than Bangtan itself) that you were dating Yoongi.

It wasn't like you could even tell this blabbermouth coworker that--like hell she'd ever shut up about it. The second that the news got out that you were Min Yoongi of BTS' girlfriend, the paparazzi and headlines would swarm you for a near eternity--even more so when you and Yoongi would break up weeks later because you both loved other people.

Pursing your lips, you hit print on a document--making 50 copies of a handbook you didn't need. You just wanted the distraction to get away from Soo, long enough for her to get caught up in gossip about another co-worker's pregnancy instead of your recent breakage from the label of forever alone.

~.~

"Coming!" You shouted, rummaging around your purse for your keys before stripping a jacket from its hanger in your foyer. Yoongi greeted you when you opened the door, all dressed up in a pair of nice black pants and an equally as nice white shirt. It was a simple look, but it suited him. "Ready?" You grinned at him, holding onto the frame of the door.

He didn't move from his spot, rather he gave you a good once over; his gaze lingered on the hem of your dress. For a second it seemed like he'd seen either a ghost or Yoora in a red, bodycon dress instead of you in something you rarely ever pulled out of your closet. Finally, he looked up at your face.

"What? Do I look funny?"

He shook his head. "No, not at all. You look--you look amazing." It sounded like one of his many cheesy, straight-faced replies to his fans; one that would be followed up with a gummy smile on command after saying that no, he was not good at being cute. You would have teased him if he didn't seem so utterly serious in that moment.

You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, only able to look at his shoes instead of his face. "Thank you. You look like a movie star or...or..."

"And idol?"

You felt heat flush up your neck. "I'm not used to all this yet. I've never dated anyone with any sort of fame other than local drunk."

He chuckled, the beginning to the awkward silence that neither of you were used to. Sure, you and Yoongi were accustomed to spending time together without speaking, you were used to being with him and feeling comfortable in his curt words--but this silence was not like that. It was the silence that you would see in awkward RomCom movies but never experienced in real life; it was the inability to say anything other than the basic greeting out of fear for embarrassing yourself.

"It's funny," Yoongi murmured, "we could go out like this any other day as friends and it wouldn't seem weird. But, suddenly, we label this as a date and--"

"It's weird." You two stared at each other for a while, searching each other's gazes for some sign--what that sign was, neither of you knew.

"I...Y/N--do you not want to do this?"

Your hands shot out to grab his forearm like he might disappear if you couldn't get the words out right away. "No--no! It's not like that, it's just....I'm just--I'm just nervous and I don't really know why. Yoongi, I've never dated anyone like this or in this situation. I think it's because you matter to me; I don't want to screw this up and ruin our friendship."

He nodded, his hand curling over yours. "Yeah, I get what you mean. But that's okay. Y/N, I wouldn't have given you the option if I thought that we wouldn't still be friends."

The tension you didn't realize had built in your shoulders released and you smiled. "Okay. Okay!" Fighting back the weirdness bubbling in your stomach you closed your apartment door behind you and hooked your arm through his. "So, boyfriend, where are we going?"

Yoongi winked at you, putting a finger to his lips much like you had nights ago. "That's a surprise."

You worried your bottom lip. "Are you sure this is okay? What if someone sees us? I mean, you're Min Yoongi and I'm just..."

"Don't worry about that. That's my job."

"But--"

"Y/N." His arm snaked around your waist, pulling you into his side. He smelled like spice and safety, so different from Seokjin who was pure vanilla and excitement. "You're my girlfriend now--I went into this relationship knowing that it would probably be made public. I will be fine and I will protect you no matter what."

"I--Yoongi--I--"

His hand squeezed your hip, causing you to let out a yelp that was stifled by his laughter. "Y/N, let go. For one night okay? Seokjin doesn't exist--Yoora doesn't exist. You took me to that hillside to make me feel better, now let me take you somewhere special and do the same for you."

You stared at him with your lips pressed together, doubt in your chest, but you nodded to him and let him help you into his car.

~.~

Yoongi pulled up to a darkened restaurant, empty of all people. There was only one car in the lot and all of the outside chairs were up on top of the tables.

"Yoongi..."

He parked anyways, playing the role of gentleman by getting out and opening your car door for you. Then, without waiting for you to get out, he started towards the front doors. You fumbled with your seatbelt, trying your best to be quick to chase after him, but heels and running didn't mix well; especially when you could barely walk without shoes. "Yoongi!" You hissed, but he was already inside.

You felt like you were going to get in trouble, but you squeezed through the front door anyways, surprised to find it still unlocked. "Yoongi?" You whispered, half crouched like a manager might come find you and accuse you of breaking and entering.

To your surprise, when you rounded the corner, Yoongi was at a decorated table in the middle of the restaurant. Unlike outside, this was the only table in sight--all others were tucked away somewhere else. You stood there confused and lost, walking slowly towards your boyfriend--of which had already pulled out your chair for you and was waiting for you with a smirk on his face.

"What did you do?" You whispered, clutching your purse tightly to yourself like something might jump out at you any moment now.

He flashed you a smile that was all teeth and gums; for a second, something inside of you squeezed so tight you forgot how to breathe. "That's pretty cute." He mumbled under his breath, but, before you could question it, he jerked his chin to the seat you stood behind. "Sit, Y/N. It's fine."

"Yoongi--"

"You would be uncomfortable if people were here, right? So I asked them to close early, gave them a time when we would be around, and paid the difference. So now that you know you're not trespassing, it's fine, right?"

Your brow furrowed in confusion, your lips opening and closing before you finally found the words. "Why are you doing all of this?"

He flipped his menu up to scan it for what sounded best. "Like I've said, you're my girlfriend. This is what I do." He didn't skip a beat, his eyes never lifting from his menu. "And before you start back in with you, your over thinking, and all of that 'oh we're not actually dating because we like other people'--stop that. I don't do anything half-assed. You are my girlfriend, even if my feelings for you aren't more than a best friend, I still care about you. You deserve at least this much."

You sat down woodenly, blindly reaching for your menu as you stared at him as if you were seeing him for the first time. "How can I even compare?"

"Dating isn't a contest, Y/N." He chuckled, looking up to you. "I hear that they have really great soup here."

When you glanced up from your menu at him, you grinned. "Oh? The soup huh?"

"Mhmm." He was distracted by something else on the menu.

You closed your menu and set it on the table, leaning forward with laughter. "So I'll get the soup and you'll get whatever else you've been eyeballing, yeah? That way you get to try both things you're deciding between."

You didn't miss the hint of red on his ears as he attempted to hide behind the cover.

~.~

This time, when Yoongi stopped the car in yet another empty parking lot, you turned to grin at him before getting out yourself. You skipped on ahead like a giddy idiot, but Yoongi soon jogged up on ahead of you, travelling down the only path to a booth where a woman stood, waiting with keys in hand.

"Yoongi." She grinned and tossed the keys to him. "Here you are. Just get them to me before next week and we'll be good. You kiddos have a good night." She waved, locking the door to the booth behind her.

Yoongi gave her a deep, respectful bow. "Thank you, ma'am." He wished her a good night before grabbing your hand, helping you down the darkened steps and onto a dock jutting out onto a clear lake. There was no wind here, the blockade of trees made it so the lake was a mirror--reflecting every single star and even the peppered moon.

He held onto your hand tightly to keep your toddling, heel=clad feet planted firmly on the ground instead of causing you to tumble headlong into the water.

"Yoongi, you're too much, really." But you were laughing, even as he helped you onto a speedboat tethered to the dock. You had to twist in the faux-leather seat of the boat to help Yoongi figure out how to undo the knot and get the boat up and running. It was a team effort mostly led by you, since Yoongi had little experience with boats and you used to go fishing with your parents when you were little.

When you were settled, you sat back with a giddy bark of laughter as he pulled away from the dock and shot forward onto the lake. You loved the water, you loved the speed and the way that the boat made your entire body shake as it slid across the surface. It reminded you of your youth--it reminded you of Seokjin.

You wanted to throw your head back and howl into the wind and to the stars, but something about that felt so utterly inappropriate for the moment. Instead, you let the wind rip through your hair and lace through your fingers as you lifted your arms out at your sides. You were laughing, for once you were remembering Seokjin and you were laughing. The boat jumped over its own waves and you held onto the side of it, turning over your shoulder to grin at Yoongi with a smile that you thought you were no longer capable of.

Yoongi seemed out of breath, his eyes were focused so clearly on you that your stomach skipped with the waves. His lips parted to say something but you couldn't hear it over the wind in your ears.

"What?" You shouted to him.

He shook his head, peeling his gaze from you to the water.

Finally, he let the boat lull to a stop. For you, it felt like you were landing your feet on the ground for the first time; you let out a shaky laugh. "That...that was amazing." You grinned to him, your hair sticking out every which way.

He chuckled, his gaze rooted to you. "Yeah." He paused for a second before getting out of his seat just enough to lean forward and pin your hair back into place; his touch lingered for just a second on the side of your face but he never looked away. Before you could question it he was distracting you once more. "Look up," he whispered.

And you did, your jaw dropping. The stars shone so incredibly bright in the middle of the lake that, even when you glanced back down, you could see them in the reflection of the water. You felt like you were in space, in the middle of a galaxy all your own. You reached out to Yoongi to steady yourself--you felt like you were falling. He grabbed your arm, keeping you tethered to a reality that felt more like a dream. "There are so many," you whispered, "so many stars."

Yoongi rested his other arm on the wheel of the boat, keeping a hold of you as you stood up. You could feel his gaze on the side of your face as you craned your neck back up to the sky; maybe you were imagining it, because how could anyone exist in that moment and not look at the stars? Well, especially when that person was in love with someone else, someone who would never be you. It was always Yoora. While you had no feelings for Yoongi, it still hurt all the same. Everyone always fell in love with Yoora; while you wanted to hate her, you couldn't. The stars reminded you that there were more people than just those that surrounded you--there was more than just people. With Yoongi's hand on your arm, you felt a small weight lift off your shoulders.

~.~

Yoongi stopped in the parking lot closest to the front doors of your apartment, but neither of you made any effort to move. You started out the window, looking up at the apartment that you'd left awkwardly that night only to return dazed and light; you wondered if your feet would touch the ground when you got out of the car.

Gathering your purse and your jacket, you turned to grin at Yoongi. "Thank you for this, for everything. Honestly, it was an amazing date--the best that I've ever been on."

He flashed you this half smile that had your gaze softening on him. "Anytime, Y/N."

You licked your lips, "Yoongi...I--" A glimmer of people in the reflection of the window had your words dying on your tongue. You snapped your head out your own window, your eyes glued to the place where the happy couple on the sidewalk had their arms interlocked. Seokjin and Yoora were out for one of their nightly walks--the only time they could be alone without the boys. Yoora leaned into Seokjin, letting him kiss her forehead first before tilting her head back so the next one would land on her lips.

You couldn't tear your gaze away from them, it was stuck. You imagined yourself in Yoora's place, Seokjin's arm around your waist. You imagined his lips on your skin, the warmth, the smell of vanilla and sugar cookies. You imagined him baking for you on nights when you were sad and coming to your rescue at every waking call. He was good like that, anytime you were crying he was there. Until Yoora.

Your gaze only broke from them when they turned the corner out of sight.

You only faced your boyfriend when Yoongi called your name, his voice choked and hard. He had the same lost gaze as you, that same hopeless want that would never be fulfilled. His eyes flit around your face as his hand came up, cupping your cheek to brush away tears that you didn't know were falling down your cheeks.

"Y/N." He whispered. Fight or flight, Yoongi was the type to drown his miseries in others--you were the type to grieve in a corner until you couldn't cry anymore.

"I-I have to go." You hastily opened the car door, ripping yourself from Yoongi's hand. "I'll see you later." You murmured, tumbling out of the car with everything in your arms like a hot mess. You bolted your way into your apartment lobby, scrambling into the elevator. It was late enough that the elevator was empty and would stay that way until morning; you crashed to the ground in a heap of things as your tears fell uninhibited.

~.~

In the morning, you woke up to knocking on your front door. At first, you thought that you were hearing things--mainly because you were heavily conked out with over the counter pain meds (all your crying gave you a headache). But, after the twentieth knock, you stirred and stared groggily out your bedroom door. There was no noise, and then the same quick, three raps on your door resounded once more. It was falling into a rhythm to signal that whoever was outside knew you were home and wasn't about to leave.

You rolled out of your bed, wrapping the blanket around your shoulders to hopefully disguise your bed-head, puffy eyes, and the fact that you had not changed out of your dress from last night nor did you completely clean off your runny makeup. You rubbed at your eyes, only increasing their irritation and redness as you padded slowly from your room, nearly bumping into the doorframe.

"Coming." You croaked out, waddling like a toddler in full on snow gear who was just learning how to walk for the first time.

You pulled open the door to Yoongi, standing there all clean and proper with plastic bags slung on either arm. He had on one of those thick, blanket scarves that covered up most of his expression from your view, but you couldn't mistake the look in his eyes when he saw you.

He was worried (and amused, but mostly worried).

"Did you even change?" He murmured.

You stared up at him, shaking your head as you tried to shrink deeper into the movable cocoon of your comforter. That was all it took for Yoongi to invite himself in, figuring you would tell him to leave if you truly didn't want him there. He gently nudged you to the side, setting the plastic bags beside the now-closed front door before wrapping one of his arms around your shoulders.  

"First thing's first--let's go get you cleaned up." He slowly led the groggy, blanket wrapped you to the bathroom, taking care to make sure neither of you tripped on the dragging ends of said blanket.

"Why are you here?" You grumbled into your comforter. "You're never here this early."

He chuckled. "How many times do I have to tell you we're dating? Things are going to be different. Besides, I had a dream last night about a sad sushi wrapped in a baby pink comforter waddling her way around until she fell over and couldn't get back up."

You wanted to smack him but you could only let out a snort that sounded more like the start of a sob than a noise of laughter. "You know me so well."

He turned on the bathroom light, turning you so your groggy expression was facing him. "Did you at least get some decent sleep or are you going to pass out on me?"

You just grunted, clinging to the comforter even as he tried to gingerly remove it from you; when you fought, that gentle nature went away and he ripped it from your form, tossing it out in the hallway. The sudden shock of the morning cold had you pouting at him. "Heeeeyyyy...."

He only rolled his eyes, sticking his hands under your armpits to lift you up from your ever sinking position closer and closer to the ground. When he was satisfied you weren't going to collapse to the floor and throw a fit, he spun you around and unzipped the back of your dress. It was only when he started sliding it off your shoulders and you remembered that you were not wearing a bra or panties underneath that you finally came to your senses.

"Hey!" You shouted, clinging desperately to your dress. "Just because you saw me naked once doesn't mean I'm just going to--" You spun around screaming only to get nailed with a towel in your face, effectively cutting you off.

"And she's back!" He chuckled as you ripped the cloth from your head. "Just take a shower, you idiot, okay? I'll be back for you in twenty minutes--clothes or no clothes--so you better be presentable."  He didn't wait for your affirmation before closing the bathroom door behind him.

~.~

You had just wrapped a towel around you and were reaching for a robe when there was a knock on the bathroom door--a single, fucking knock before the asshole you called a boyfriend walked in. You froze, wondering why the hell you never bought longer towels as you stood on your tiptoes reaching for the robe you put at the very fucking top of your cabinet. Your face flushed a horrible red and you quickly snatched the robe and slung it around your shoulders to disguise the fact that your ass had been sticking out just moments before.

Yoongi was still there, standing with his gaze glued to you. There was something unsettling about that, something weird in the twitch of his fingers that had you looking at the floor as you attempted to leave the bathroom.

Yoongi's arm blocked you. For the first time ever around him, you felt afraid.

That was until you looked up at him and whatever weirdness had flown through his expression was gone. He raised one eyebrow at you, lifting a piece of your dripping wet hair to your eye level. "What idiot doesn't dry themselves after a shower?" He grumbled with annoyance, grabbing you by your shoulders to sit you down on the lid of the toilet. Swiping a washcloth from the sink first, he turned you to face him so he could gently scrub off the makeup residue that remained on your skin--even after a shower.

"Honestly," he murmured, "what would you have done all day?"

"Sleep." You giggled, he smelt like spices again. You wondered why he always smelled like spices. It wasn't bad, just different. He grabbed a fresh towel from your cabinet to furiously rub at your still-soaking-wet head. He seemed intent on making you come out like a poodle--a very dry, fluffy poodle.

"You need to take care of yourself so I don't have to do it for you."

You reached up to put your hands on his, stopping him. "Yoongi...why are you doing all of this? You must be sad too, you saw Yoora and--" The towel that he flipped over your face cut you off.

"Maybe I feel better when I see your face, hm? Did you ever think of that?"

You rolled your eyes underneath the towel, reaching out blindly to smack him. "Cheesy! It's not like you can see my face if you keep covering it up!"  Lifting up the edge of the towel cautiously, you twisted to see him rubbing his arm and glaring at your shoulder--but said glare softened when his eyes met yours.

"See?" He had the smallest of smiles on his face. "Better already"

~.~

In the plastic bags that Yoongi brought with him was a handful of cooking ingredients, miscellaneous beverages, chips, and snacks that were all bought from the corner store closest to your apartment. When you glanced over at him as he emptied the bags on your counter, he seemed to be clueless as to what he even bought or what he had planned to make.

"Yoongi," You stared at the array of ingredients that seemed to stretch from nearly all sorts and varieties of different dishes, "what were you planning on making?" When you looked over to him he just gave you that 'what can I say' shrug of his. You smacked him with a nearby dishtowel. "So you come here with all this random crap and expect me to make something out of it?"

He hopped out of your immediate towel-whipping range, the beginning hints of a smirk on his face. "I mean, I can make something for you--"

"No!" You shouted, laughing. "I saw you on Rookie King!"

"That was years ago!" But he held his hands up in surrender anyways, laughing with you as you rested against the counter.

"Okay, so we'll order take out, yeah?"

"Sounds good to me." He leaned on the island in your kitchen, watching your back as you gathered all of the ingredients that you were not going to use back into a plastic bag.

"You can give these to Seokjin, I'm sure he would enjoy the extra ingredients. He's a really good cook--always has been." You smiled at the sesame oil, your eyes drifting out of focus and into your memories--to the first time Seokjin cooked for you and accidently dumped in half the bottle. Before you walked back down the path in your head that you forbid yourself to travel, you shoved the oil back in the bag.

You could feel Yoongi's gaze on your back, suddenly piercing. You tried to ignore it, plucking the takeout menus off of your fridge and laying them out on the countertop. When Yoongi didn't move nor say anything, you felt the tips of your ears burn a hot red.

"Are you embarrassed?" His voice was different for some reason, but you couldn't place your finger on it and you were too afraid to turn around and see him. Seokjin was always loud, always really good at making you laugh and pumping up the energy when you were down. But Yoongi, he was different; he made you feel calm. Except for right now; for some reason, your heart was in your throat.

You spun around only to find him directly behind you--you hadn't even heard him move. Seokjin was never that quiet, but Yoongi...but Yoongi...

You couldn't breathe with the close proximity of his body to yours. Fresh heat spread across your skin. "Yoongi?"

He stepped forward, his chest bumping against yours as he caged you in, his hands resting against the countertop behind you. You could feel his breath on your face, his body heat making a sauna out of your kitchen--or maybe that was just your confusion turned chagrin. Your heart slammed against the back of your ribs. Yoongi stared down at you, his face impassive and clear of any readable signs that could tell you what he was thinking. To make the rapid beat of your heart worse, he leaned forward so face got closer and closer to yours. This time, he didn't smell like alcohol, he smelled like fruit, like flowers, like smoothies and the kind of cold that came after hot days.

You were dating now, but in the past few weeks he'd never pressured you to do anything--not even holding hands. He'd never kissed you, barely touched you, barely...

"What are you doing?" Your voice was barely even a whisper; it felt more like a breath than anything else.

He grabbed a takeout menu from the counter, smacking your forehead with it. "You're blocking the way."

By the time you grabbed the menu and removed it from your face, Yoongi was already across the kitchen and heading towards his cell. "How about after food we go see a movie, yeah?"

You stood there frozen with his chosen takeout place in hand. "Y-yeah--that sounds great."