#so im rambling now cs im scared

[deeisace]

.

[youraverageshipper]

CS ff: “Want”

There were a lot of dumb decisions Emma made in her life. But walking away from Killian that night three months ago was probably the dumbest.

Rating: T

Word Count: 3k+

AN: Listen, I am not a good writer nor do I write at all, but a few months ago I really wanted to read something of a im-in-love-with-my-roommate’s-sister type of angsty trope but I realized that writing angst and reading angst are two very different things ma dude. So, here is a 3000+ word drabble (is this a thing?) I thought if this was in my docs I may as well share it.

Also on Ao3

This is unbeta’d so excuse the mistakes!

He turned around just in time to look at her entering the door.

And she looked just as beautiful as ever.

His Swan.

No, scratch that. Emma Swan. That's all she was. Not his Swan, no matter how much he wanted it to be.

She was smiling while looking at Ruby and Mary Margaret and that was enough to make his entire world stop spinning.

She was David's little sister, not by blood, but no one could tell the difference either way. That's how he met her, when he moved into David's apartment. He almost wished he hadn't, because at least she wouldn't be off limits. Though he's sure David wouldn't mind if he got together with her.

She looked at him and gave a half smile. But, she moved her gaze before he could smile back.

He sighed. God he wanted her.

But ever since that one night three months ago, she almost kept him at arm's length.

He didn't want to be at arm's length.

He wanted to be near her.

With her.

Hold her.

Kiss her.

God did he want to.

But well life never works the way you want

It was late and they were alone in the apartment because it was snowing outside and he very well couldn't let her go anywhere.

So he did what he would do in any other situation.

He asked her to stay.

She hesitated, but agreed anyway probably because she was tired, not because she actually wanted to be in the same vicinity as him. Or at least that's what he thinks.

They were joking around and they were sitting on the same couch almost too close for comfort.

But he didn't care.

And with the way she was leaning with her head on his shoulder made him believe she didn't either.

Until she did.

“What's with the necklace you wear, Swan?”

Her entire body froze and he could almost feel the discomfort radiating off of her and she didn't speak for a good whole-lot-of-seconds.

She looked at him and opened her mouth to say something and it was definitely not what he thought it would be, “uh, I...I think I'm gonna go sleep.”

She got up faster than light and his body ached after losing her warmth but he couldn’t just let her go.

He suddenly caught her wrist before she was going to bolt, “wait, Emma...you don't have to leave.”

“I’m sorry, Killian…please...just...I can’t do this.” And she turned around and left.

And that was that, the end of the only night he was ever left alone with Emma Swan. She left the next day without saying goodbye. I mean, did he honestly expect her to?

She behaved civil with him whenever they saw each other after that night. Probably for appearances sake he thought.

She didn't talk about that night.

Well she didn’t really talk to him in general.

He wanted to, oh did he want to.

He desperately wanted to ask what went terribly wrong that night?

All he did was ask a question?

Maybe he should've just kept his mouth shut and not asked anything at all.

However, in his defense, he lost all of his sense of rational thinking the moment she leaned on his shoulder.

She was miserable. She didn't want to be at this stupid party with the good looking stupid guy she wish she wasn't halfway in love with.

There were a lot of dumb decisions Emma made in her life. But walking away from Killian that night three months ago was probably the dumbest.

She wanted to tell him, god did she want to.

But she's a coward and it scared her to death that she wanted to tell him about what the necklace meant, even though she barely knows him that well.

But whenever she's with him it always feels like she's known him forever.

And well that scares her. Because she's Emma. And why shouldn't it? It's a scary thing to feel.

She's not even sure if she wants to feel it.

But well she does.

And it's getting out of hand because he's at this stupid party wearing his stupid vest looking stupidly gorgeous-beyond-possible with his brooding smolder and she's not sure that her words are making sense at this point.

It doesn't matter.

Because she wants to leave.

And more than three fourth of the people are gone but well this is Mary Margaret and her constant persistent to ask her to stay, to live her life, and maybe talk to certain someone about how she feels.

She almost gaped at Mary Margaret when she said that. And she winked.

How dare She?

Was she that obvious? God she hoped she wasn't.

Emma was pathetic

She should talk to Killian. She really should. But also what would she say?

“Oh hey yeah! I haven't been able to stop thinking about you since the past three months and I'm halfway in love! Sorry for going to bed that night, can we make-out now?”

God even her made up scenarios were just as pathetic as she was.

She saw him from the corner of her eye talking to Maddy. Who looked too close to him than necessary. He laughed at something she said.

Her stomach flipped with jealousy.

How dare she get close to her Killian?

Wait, WHAT?

Her Killian?

She has no right over him, right? I mean, if she's too much of a coward to say anything, he's allowed to be whoever he wants to be with.

Is he not?

He looked at her and gave her his earnest smile, which she didn't quite return. Because she was a coward. He sighed and turned his attention back to Maddy. He barely looks interested.

Almost as if he wants to leave as well.

Maybe she should ask him to leave with her.

Where did that come from?

You know exactly where it came from Emma.

“Ugh….” She groaned with her head in her hands. Could this night be any worse?

So she did what she always does. She grabbed the nearest bottle of beer and left for the rooftop.

As far away from her problems.

Or one problem.

Single problem.

Killian.

He was her only problem.

He looked over at Mary Margaret who passed out on the couch with David beside her. He smiled, they were a very fairy-tale like couple. True love and all that.

He looked around and realized there was really no one except for his friends half passed out or rambling about some nonsense.

Had she left already? Without him noticing?

He sighed. Grabbed a bottle of beer and went up to the roof.

She was last person he expected to see standing at the edge of railing.

He walked towards her, “Swan?”

She jumped back, “what the fuck, Jones?? You scared the shit out of me.” She almost screamed the words at him.

He winced, “ah, sorry love, I didn't mean to startle you.”

“Well you're doing a great job so far.” She huffed.

“Are we alright Emma?”

“Are we alright Emma?”

Out of all thing she did not expect him to say that. .

“What? Yes of course, why would you say that?” She asked him cautiously. Even though deep down she knew why.

He sighed, “I don’t know...um ever since that night…” She could feel her insides turning upside down at the mention of that night, “I guess asking that question wasn't my business and I didn't mean to push you to stay,” he looked down and gave her half a smile, “I guess I was just desperate to be in your company for a little while longer.”

“We have been in each other’s company even after that night, Killian. It’s not that serious.” She deadpanned.

Honestly what bullshit was she spitting this time? She wasn’t even aware of what she was saying because she was so focused on the hurt she could see in his eyes, and this time he didn’t even try to mask it.

He looked down, “Yeah I know love, not that serious . But if something’s ever bothering you I’m still here you know,” he took her chin is hand and pulled her head to his gaze, “if you want me to be of course.” He said softly.

The sincerely in his eyes almost made her jump his bones or melt into a pool.

Either, or.

Her insides were screaming to tell him everything about how she felt.

She still couldn’t.

But did she want to.

“Well I’m good but I’ll keep that in mind Jones.”

He let out a disappointed sigh and let go off her chin, “Right, well,” did he have something else to say? Why was he staring into her soul?

And boy, she never thought he would do this.

He leaned in and kissed her cheek and let out a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

“Good night, Emma. Take care of yourself.”

She stood there frozen. Not being able to move or even reply back to him. Take care of yourself? What the fuck does that even mean? Was he ending this?

Wait, was there anything to even to end? She never really let it begin did she?

Maybe it was time she finally let it all out.

He walked downstairs to his car and leaned against it. He felt lost. Broken. And empty.

He realized it was finally time to accept that Emma Swan never wanted anything more than a friendship from him. Or even a friendship.

He felt totally lost. Did he mention broken?

He dug his nails in his palm; strong enough to make them bleed.

He never smokes. But well this calls for an occasion and Will left his pack in the drawer thing of his car. What is that thing called anyway? He's pretty sure it's not a fucking drawer. Honestly who even cares at this point.

He glanced around the parking lot and saw her walking towards him.

Did she have a few more things to say to break him more or something?

“You know those things will kill you."

He didn't say anything. She sighed and leaned beside him on the car, “did Will leave them around in your glove compartment?”

He stared at her speculatively, “glove compartment.”

He could look at the confusion that took over half of her face, “it's called a glove compartment.” He continued.

“Okay…… are you drunk?”

He snorted, “no, but I wish I was.”

She looks at him, “okay that literally makes no sense..”

“Did you need something, Emma?” He cuts her off  and could see the incredulous look on her face over his sudden change in demeanor.

“What?” she asked, softly.

He even somehow felt more angrier at her simple ‘what’ as if she didn’t know what was really going on.

He ran his hand through his hair to the back of his neck and exhaled, “I mean, if you don’t need anything I think there’s really not much for us to do here.”

Why the hell was he suddenly acting like this? Had she done something? Okay well, that’s a stupid question.

But still.

He never talked to her like this.

She sighed softly, closing her eyes. Not letting her emotions get the best of her and asked, “What's wrong?”

He scoffed, “are you kidding me, darling?”

She snapped her head at him, “don’t calling me that.”

He rolled his eyes, ignoring her.

Emma pulled herself away from beside him--wrapped her hands around herself and stood in front of him and demanded. “Well, are you going to answer me?”

His shoulders sagged a bit, like he was tired and...broken. “What do you want me to say Emma? That didn’t hurt? When you walked away that night and completely ghosted me like I never meant anything to you? And don’t even try to deny there was nothing between us Emma, because I’m sure you felt it too.” His voice cracked a bit at the end and she didn’t know what to say. But he continued before she even had a chance, “I realize I overstepped, and honestly for that, I truly am sorry.”

She stared at him blank and empty, the apology that he deserved back and the truth at the tip of her tongue.

But nothing came out.

He sighed, “Well, don’t worry about it Swan, I’m just gonna take my leave.”

“Killian wait,” she reached out for his hand, “please.”

Well, she didn’t think two seconds ahead. What would happen after he stopped? Was she even expecting him to stop?

“I...uh…” she fidgeted with her hands. God she was so nervous. She couldn’t even hear her next words over her heartbeat. “I dated a guy a while ago. A long while ago, and well to put it short he wasn’t who he said he was,” she looked at his hands, thumb pressing into the palm of his left hand, and finally forced herself to look at him; a mix of confusion and hope on face. He nodded, urging her to continue.

“The reason I wear that necklace is because that was from him. I didn’t keep it as a sentiment to my first love, but as a reminder. That i should never trust anyone ever again. That going through pain for love…just isn't worth it.”

At this point her heart wasn’t beating any slower, or it did not make her breathing easier. Particularly when Killian took a step towards her, hand landing on her shoulder, “I’m sorry, love,

I didn’t know that.”

She laughed a bit, “yeah well a lot of people don’t.”

“I, uh, walked away that night…”

He cut her off, “You don’t have to explain yourself, Swan.”

“Yes I do, you deserve that.”

She continued, “I walked away not because I was scared of telling you about what it meant, but because I wasn’t scared at all. I wanted to tell you...and well that scared me about what it meant.” He was either about to open his mouth to say something, or almost reach for her? She's quite oblivious to what's going on around her at this point, “no, please don’t, let me finish.” He nodded. “Then you went ahead and asked me not to say anything that night because you knew I couldn't say anything and no ones one's ever been able to read me like that before, and well again, that scared me too.” She sighed, “being with you, I’ve never felt so much at ease before. You make me feel alive and safe, and I haven’t felt this way in a very long time.”

She looked at him and saw his eyes move all over her face, as if he couldn’t quite believe that this was happening. “This past three months, I don’t think I have felt more miserable. And Yes I know it’s all my fault. But I...I was just so scared about letting my walls down, and letting you in. I just did what I always do,” she left out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. There are so many emotions bottled inside her right now that she feels like she's going to burst. It physically kills her to admit all of this to him, but there's no backing out now. “I ran. Without giving you any explanation. I put all my walls back up just thinking about how much this could hurt both of us ..I just...I’m really sorry Killian. Please know that I didn’t mean for this to happen. I’m sorry that everything turned out this way...I didn’t mean to fall for you.” Emma didn’t feel the tears until she felt his hand brush them away from the apple of her cheek.

He couldn’t quite believe his own ears. Was Emma Swan just laying all her feeling about him out in the open? He didn’t say anything, because at this point there wasn’t much he wanted to say except just do one thing. He took a step forward, hand tugging her hair behind her ear, and the other landing beneath her chin, “Emma,” he could feel her squirming under his scrutiny. “Come on love, look at me.” She sighed and finally looked at him and he can see the courage it took her to do that after laying all her feeling out in the open. Then he all but pulled her into him and crashed his lips onto hers. And boy, did he feel alive in that moment.

She let out a soft oomph of surprise, but it took her not more than a second to reciprocate. Both hands curling around his neck, into his hair. Her lips feeling as soft as they look. This shouldn’t have felt as romantic as it did. Him kissing her in the middle of David and Mary Margaret’s apartment parking lot. Not much finesse in their kiss. But it felt just as it was supposed to. She moved forward, trying to back him into his car. Pressing herself into him and he groans, a desperate noise. But the car was a little further away than she anticipated and she suddenly lost control of her weight and fell forward, backing him into his car with a thud that was quite forceful. She laughs against his lips, sending a bit of wave into him that settled at the pit of his stomach.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“You don’t ever have to apologize for kissing me like that, love.” She smacked his shoulder with her hand and he caught it and kissed her knuckles, all without breaking eye contact. He could physically feel her breath going short. “Stop looking at me like that.” “Like what?” He asked with a smirk. His fingers landing on her hips. “I don’t know,” she waved her hand in the air like that proved anything, “however that is.” He laughed, tugging her closer to him, and looked at her with some kind of certainty in his eyes, “you also don't have to apologize for falling me, Emma…ever. Because it may be the best thing that has ever happened to me. And I may have also fallen for you a long time ago. Very hard if I must say.” She meets his eyes and doesn't say anything just leans forward and plants a soft kiss on his lips. This one much slower and meaningful than the last one. He breaks the kiss and rests his forehead on hers and they both smile. “Oh fucking finally,” they both jump and break apart at the voice to see Ruby, Liam, and Elsa staring at the both of them with bright smiles. They both roll their eyes and laugh, “did Emma finally come to her senses??” Ruby asks. She glares at her and pretends to be offended. “I'm so happy for you both! Can't wait for Mary Margaret to find this out and freak out tomorrow.” Elsa says with more enthusiasm than needed at 1am in the morning. “Well, little brother, you have finally achieved the best thing that's ever going to happen to you in your life.” Liam says with a grin on his face. He scoffs, “it's younger brother,” he smiles at Emma, “and I suppose you're right” She smiles back at him. “Now if you're all done with your comments and giddiness of this situation, Ms. Swan and I have somewhere to be" “We do?” “Why, of course. My place. I've waited a long time for this and you're insane if you think I'm letting this night end. I want this with you, Emma. ” She smiles, hand landing on his chest, “I want this too. Take me home, Killian.” He winks at their friends, ��by all means, love."

[uyuro]

hi kylie! ive taken a few CS classes and they're tricky but i think i can slowly get the hang of it. what's scaring me the most about majoring in CS is the math classes! i know CS majors need to go SUPER high in math courses and my math skills aren't the best. what do you think about the math and how are u with it? im not sure if CS is the best fit for me seeing that im not so good in math

Hmm it depends! I’m kinda bad at maths but I know if I actually grind and practice, I can do well! But yeah, maths doesn’t come naturally to me. I’m not doing very advanced Compsci papers right now so I can’t make a call on how difficult the maths can be, plus the requirements can change across universities and countries. I also find that who teaches the course affects the enjoyment and difficulty a lot. I’m a bit rambly but I think if you enjoy Compsci and want to major in it, you can always work super hard on your maths. Once you understand the concepts, it’s all about practicing imo! My uni had a help room where you can ask tutors during allotted hours and that helped me a lot. I’m sure most universities have something similar, or office hours with lecturers. Basically if you really want to do Compsci you shouldn’t let maths get in the way!