#so im just feeding myself the same meal for a week straight. hope that helps

[goldenfox3]

I need to organize my WIP statuses for myself again bc my Gdocs folder is a mess lmao

I know I could just post a lot of the followups I write as extra chapters instead of separate sequels but I like coming up with titles and am never sure if I'll continue or not so I end things on a "can stand on its own but could also be followed up on" note so sue me 😔

As the Moon Glows: originally I was just gonna have it Leon POV all the way through but I wonder if it might be fun to alternate between him and Lucy so Lucy POV for c2...

Careworn sequel: Oneshot bc outsider POV on a time traveller is so fun. Andy POV on how kid Jody is suddenly very much NOT kidlike anymore at all and he knows obviously something is up but is also sad about how he might have been spending too much time at work and not enough with her if he missed something this huge and she won't even tell him what

Enemies to lovers Task Force Ryu/Shinigami Jack AU: Yeah

Heliodor: (Solstice/ATFS series) this was supposed to be a short thing but I? Kinda wanna do a coming of age thing about Andy's various identities and roles (son, brother, parental figure, officer, Falcon, Bart, also tosses some demi hcs in there bc why not). Starts before Solstice and ends sometime after it (I still have to follow up on the "for fuck's sake" jokes after all)

Out of Time: c5 this is also outside POV on a time traveller bc i am predictable and love certain tropes. For this chap i was gonna have younger Ryu observing his older self's reaction as they see Bart at the Falcon House and like he calls Bart "Master"(/Boss) but the older one calls him by name alone

Radiant: (Light Visions series) Summertime Sadness is still stuck in my head so yeah. Ryu/Jack car ride and sunset splashfight? on the beach maybe. ignores their impending doom. i love their flipping between stupid bickering and wistfulness ok.

Red Lights: (Ryu/Jack Coup de foudre sequel) insert eating out joke here. dinner and a show. a strapon may or may not be involved. Yeah. There's no plot here.

[therealroyalfamily]

!¡Warning¡!:

Cruising, men not knowing personal space, mention of killing a child, death, family drama

CHAPTER ONE

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

The music jumped off the wall, sweat and glitter-covered their bodies as they grinded their bodies on each other, so much alcohol ran through there bloodstream that Apollo can almost taste it. From his VIP section apollo watched the two humans carefully, waiting for the right time to approach them. one male, one female 

The male was muscular and tall, having a height of 6'1. he wore a plain white shirt with leather pants the hugged his legs a little too much, especially the crouch area

The female wore a short black dress that went limp towards her breast, her face showing discomfort each time the man grinds his crouch into her backside

"If you don’t stop him, I will…." 

Apollo turned to his left, only to see his Best friend, Jay staring at the scene in front of him  obviously infuriated by the way this man was dancing on the woman

"...Dont.." apollo says turning back to look at the two, unbothered 

"How can you sit there watch this?"

"..will you shut up, you haven't eaten in 2 days. I'm trying to help you.." Apollo says calmly

".. I can feed by myself, I don’t need your help. I can control my thirst.."

"you feed on a toddler last week, you ungrateful fucking prick" apollo says, still not taking his eyes off the pair

"I-...jesus.." Jay sighed as he recalled the regretful night

The music pauses, the dancefloor becoming less crowded as people retreat back to there seats to grab refreshments and chat, Apollo watches as the man practicality drags the women to the other side of the clubs, where the bar is located

"..if you’re so mad about the situation, you can take the big guy.."

"No..you need the blood more than me-" 

"I'm not a newborn, I'll be fine...come on," Apollo says, interrupting jay

He gets up from the couch and gestures Jay to follow he walks down the stairs that lead to the dancefloor, that has now regained some dancing bodies on it

They both walk through the crowd with ease as people made away when they passed, eyes practically undressing them both. Apollo not making eye contact with any of the lust-filled eyes due to him not taking his eyes off his prey contrast to Jay who made eye contact with almost all the men and women with a sly smirk, loving his and Apollos effect on people

That changed when they finally reached the bar, Jay almost instantly entered predator mode, his bloodlust and anger toward the man almost causing him to drain him of his blood on the spot

Jay stood next to the man and Apollo stood next to the woman. Caging them in their presence jay didn’t grab the man’s attention but Apollo immediately grab the women's attention. 

She analyzed him she watched as his jawline flexed every time he swallowed, the way his hair messily framed his face perfectly, the way his lips glistened in bar lights. 

Her mind drifted to his hands that now gripped a cup that was placed by a bartender, she fantasized how his fingers would feel inside of her with his rings, how his lips would move against her pussy she nearly at the idea,  if it wasn’t for the man whose arm was on her ass at the moment, she would have shot her shot a long time ago

Apollo noticed her hesitation and soon looking at Jay. When they made eye contact Apollo signaled Jay, with a simple look

Jay turned to the man and tapped his shoulder lightly before the man can even show his irritation Jay's looks him straight in the eye and says

"Go outside and wait for me at the empty alley next to the club, Don’t talk to anyone" 

The man stares at Jay dumbstruck and soon moves to leave following his every command

Jay's soon disappeared also leaving An unbothered Apollo and a relieved woman

"Whew...I thought he'd never leave" the woman awkwardly says, now turning her attention to Apollo 

He doesn't move still acting more interested in swirling his drink more than the women

"I-im Vanessa, and you are?"

Apollo turns to look at the petite woman, who was visibly intimidated by his "Don’t care"  attitude 

"Apollo," he says sternly, and if it wasn't for his enhanced hearing, he wouldn't have heard the moan that escapes her mouth 

"You okay? your turning red" Apollo asked faking his concern

"Y-yea I'm..um..fine" the women know known as Vanessa say, nervously chuckling 

Silence fell between the two, Apollo was becoming impatient, he didn’t like playing with his food

"...you know…" Apollo begins 

"..if you wanna fuck me, just say it. You’re holding up the line" he gestures to the remaining eyes that still whisper and stare at him

"...Bold.." Vanessa says seductively

Apollo hum agreeing, as he grabs her wrist, and drags her to the exit

The wind blow blew through her hair, Apollo can hear her heartbeat increase each time his hand grazes hers, the smell of her arousal grows thicker every second

When there about to past the dark, quiet alley Apollo stops her

"My cars down there" Apollo points down the alley 

Vanessa nervously chuckles "Isn’t that a bit weird to park your car down there"

"Not if you plan to have sex in it…" Apollo says boredom laced in his voice 

"Come on, I'll protect you.."

Apollo wraps his arm around her shoulder pulling her closer, she shivers due to his lack of body heat. They began to walk down the alley, Vanessa getting startled by a few rats here and there Apollo watching with amusement, finding her yelps of fear entertaining 

When they reached far enough from the busy streets of Korea, Apollo turned her around and pinned her to the nearest wall trapping her with his taller structure 

" I-I thought y-your car was do-down he-"

Before his prey can even finish her sentence Apollo sank his fangs into her pulse point and began to suck the life out of the poor women

Her screams muted due to Apollo’s hand squeezing her throat. His grip was so strong that he hears her bones crashing into millions of pieces. Once he was done, he pulled away from the lady, her heartbeat weak, her eyes bloodshot and her neck untouched by blood, but horrifyingly Showerd with bruises 

Her body drops down to the concrete floor, with little life left

Apollo wiped his lips the remaining blood from his soft lips, he looked around hoping to find Jay coming back from his meal. But he doesn't 

He sighs 

He leans against the wall opposite of the now dead woman waiting for his late best friend. 15 minutes past and jay is still not here, Apollo guesses he went home with the rest of there coven and finally decides to do the same

He's halfway up the alley when his phone vibrates in his pocket, thinking its Jay, He picks it up immediately but before he can even speak, the caller does

 

"Apollo Young-ho Cullen!"

Fuck.

"Hey mom.."

Esme Cullen, Apollo’s mother. Not biological but she was more his mother than his real one ever was, he would do anything for that woman, anything 

"..Carlisle has been trying to contact you since yesterday, what happened?" Esme says concern laced in her voice 

Apollo turns back to look at his meal, still lying lifeless on the floor, as he begins to walk again 

 "I was busy"

"To busy to talk to your father!?"

Apollo scoffed  "He’s not my father, stop saying that"

"Just because you’re older than him doesn't mean he can’t be a father figure to you, I do-"

"Mom," Apollo says sternly, signals her to leave the topic alone

"We need you.." Esme says sadly 

"For?" Apollo asked weaving through to body on the street now only a few blocks away from his covens hideout 

"Edward found his mate"

Apollo smiles remembering his stiff, quiet and sometimes Boring younger Brother

"I bet he’s through the roof….how does that have anything to do with me though?"

"......shes human"

Apollos smile dropped, concern and anger creeping in his voice 

"And you expect me to care, because?"

"Shes your brothers mat-"

"She’s human! The Volturi can kill you all if they find out-"

"They already know!"

Apollo stays quiet taking in the information he has just received, he's family lives is in danger because his little brother decided to fall in love with a human. A fragile, weak useless human. He hasn't met said human but he can already feel hatred towards the little girl

Minutes passed before neither Esme nor Apollo spoke 

The Cullen family in Forks surrounding Esme listening to their conversation, Edward shamefully looking down, Disappointed due to not having his older brother acceptance 

Apollo now sat on his front porch steps, still digesting the information 

"Listen, I have more things to explain but I'm afraid you'll go on a killing spree or something.."

Esme chuckles sadly

"-so when you come home, I'll explain the rest….please come home Apollo.," Esme said with sadness, longing to have her eldest son in her arms

"We need your help apollo...one last favor please?" Apollo can hear Carlisle say in the background 

Apollo bottled up all his negative emotions toward the situation and threw it out the window his only motivation is keeping his family safe

"I'll be there by morning."

*Hangs up*

[letsdiscoverkitty]

CPA update (30th August 2019)

I did not plan to write this this evening but I needed to get this out somewhere.

I know I haven’t been very present online and I can only apologise for that but as you can imagine things have been quite challenging since being admitted. I had my first CPA so I thought I would make a little post to help me begin to process it/get some thoughts down....(warning: very long post ahead, snacks may be necessary, and I am sorry if it does not read well/make much sense, I literally just typed my heart out)

For those who are not sure of what one is, a CPA is basically a care plan review where your treatment team review the past few weeks/months (time since the last review) and then start to plan the next stages of your care. It is a chance for different members of your treatment to meet and make sure that everyone is on the same page. Today my CPA consisted of my consultant, one of the nursing staff from the ward, the OP ED nurse I was seeing before I came in, myself and my parents. The first half of the review was just between professionals, I was then called into the room for a discussion followed by my parents nearer the end.

It is hard to remember what I have shared online so I am sorry if some of the things I mention do not make sense but I will try to cover most of what happened. I had my ward round on Thursday (due to the bank holiday weekend just gone), in which a lot of new ideas were brought to the table as, well, no one really knows what to do with me… A week or so ago I wrote a letter to my consultant as I was beginning to worry about what the plan was for when I was discharged (as it was being implied that I was to be discharged over the next few weeks)/that my community team were not replying to any messages and that I was concerned about going back home to live at my parents house.

My main worries with returning home were mainly because it is a place where I have been unwell for many years and I find that when I go back there it is almost like anorexia snaps back without me realising it/I can’t control it. Sadly due to being unwell at home for years, I do associate home with bad things, I also do not currently have no goals or things to be working towards (i.e. I have no education to go back to, no job lined up or thought about to go back to) and the worry is that I would be going back home to just anorexia and relapsing backwards. Throw into the mix that my mum retired last week, as well as the family dynamics always being quite rocky (along with being geographically being incredibly socially isolated), I think it is fair to say that I was extremely worried about the prospect of home leave let alone moving back home permanently and with very limited outpatient support.

A long story short, my consultant agrees that going back home is likely not going to help me move on/recover/give me a chance of living a life beyond this, however she also does not believe that staying in an acute EDU will help (which I do understand). In terms of why she thinks that being on the unit for longer might not help include that my weight has not been reaching the targets that are expected, I am struggling on leave/when I get given more control, as well as the usual pitfalls of being on an EDU like being trapped around a lot of other acutely unwell people, having the identity reinforced and the lack of responsibility/it not necessarily coming from me. I floated the idea of going to live in Reading with Andi however she shot me down straight away at that stage saying that I was far too unwell for that…

Anyway, to get to the point, she wants to apply for funding for me to go into residential treatment. This is not something that I know much about, although I do know that getting funding for a place is very very hard and that there are very few places that offer it in the country….from what she explained to me it is a more holistic approach, with the focus on helping you build a life beyond anorexia whilst also supporting you nutritionally. (it sounds far too fairytale-esque for my liking…)She said that as I have had a lot of psychological input and have been under services with very few gaps over the years, that it was obvious that a new approach was needed and that this style might be that. Apparently I have incredible insight/understanding however because the anorexic neural pathways/cognitions have become so strong and rigid, I find it near impossible to force myself to follow through with the theory that I know so well.

I honestly have no idea how I feel right now. I am utterly lost and confused and don’t really know what to do with myself. I feel like no one knows what to do with me/what will help and they are just trying to get rid of me. I want to recover, I really do.  My consultant said that it is not that I don’t want to or don’t have motivation, but that it is the degree of severity of the illness and the complexity of my case, which kind of helped but also left me feeling very broken and hopeless.

She tried to explain all of this to my parents today and I am actually relieved that she was able to speak to them about it as there is no way that I would have been able to approach the subject. She explained it in scientific terms and tried to be realistic about the whole process (which could likely take months to apply for funding, let alone get on the waiting list/pass assessments).

My OP team are apparently supportive of this and are going to work together with the IP team, my consultant and the therapist I was seeing as an OP to put together a proposal for the CCG. Sadly, as I have mentioned this is going to be quite a lengthy process and I don’t really know where it leaves me…If this were not being explored then I would be getting discharged to the same very minimal support that I have had over the past x years, which has not been enough in the past.

So what now? Good question. Basically I have been told that I have to “prove” to the CCG that I am not just in need of an acute EDU admission and that the funding would not be going to waste…this means that I have to show that I can maintain my weight in the community (or gain if possible) as if I were to relapse they would likely just say that I need an acute admission and refuse the funding, leaving me back at square one.

This admission was never going to be a long one, I knew that, but part of me was hoping for a bit longer…I suppose it has brought to the surface the necessity for a different approach to be explored, which I hope means something. Basically my admission can’t be extended, that has been made clear, and I now have a discharge date for two weeks time…with little to no idea of time length beyond that in regards to this talk of residential.

I honestly don’t know what to think or how to feel right now, I really don’t. Part of me thinks that they are making a big fuss over nothing and that there is no way that I will get funding as there are so many people out there with far worse scenarios than mine who need it more. At least I have a home to go to, I know there are many people who dont, so I should really just suck it up and try and do what I can at home with the support that I have.

I have no idea what the residential would entail practically but I am worried that it could end up feeding into my eating disorder even more? I know the reason for the admission would be to help me build a life beyond anorexia, but surely being stuck in a place like that almost reinforces that identity? I dont know, I am very confused about everything right now :(

Short term plan: I have an appointment set up with the ED nurse I am to see in the community for Monday morning and have been given a bit of extra leave this weekend to make it possible for me to attend. When I return to the ward on Monday afternoon I will be moving onto transition and have been promised that I will have a number of appointments with the dietitian over my last two weeks in order to create a realistic maintenance plan for when I go home (as well as trying to get my mum to attend an appointment with the two of us). I am also trying to get an appointment for my mum to come to a family therapy session (they have pretty much written off my dad as someone who can be supportive for a number of reasons which I do not want to go into right now) Being on transition hopefully will give me a bit of an opportunity to self-cater some meals and practice before I move back home for the foreseeable future.

It all feels very rushed and uncertain and I was not expecting to get this much leave this weekend so don’t really know what to do with myself but yeah I suppose this is where things are at. The ward has been quite a tricky environment so on the one hand I am glad to have some space, however Im also worried about it too.

I am sorry, I realise that this whole post probably comes across as extremely selfish and stupid - I wish I could shake myself/pull myself together and just do what I know I need to do but whywhywhy do I keep ending up back in the same place time and time again? I have tried so bloody hard over the past x years but it has never been enough….I do not want to end up being sent to a unit where I will spend months/my consultant briefly mentioned that admissions are usually between 1 and 2 years long…I really dont. but I dont know what else to do with myself when so many options have been explored. I am tired of it all, of everything. It is like I dont know where to turn anymore. Part of me feels like I am just getting palmed off from place to the next because no body knows what to do with me. sigh. I am sorry for throwing this pity party. I wish I had some more positive news to share with you all. I suppose yes I have made some progress since I was admitted. I have gained weight. I am no longer in as much danger as I was. I have had to face a lot of changes in terms of routines, eating different foods, times, I can think a little clearer, I have more concentration etc. Things are just very hard at the moment and having everything in terms of my treatment thrown up in the air like this has made me feel even more unsettled and uncertain about everything. I have no idea what the next few weeks/months may hold so for now I am going to have to continue to take each day as it comes and see where it takes me. Sorry again for the ridiculous  length of this post, you genuinely deserve a gold medal if you have stuck with me through this.

[shrack]

aftermath and growth

i dabbled in kingsman fic! i absolutely want to explore this fandom more and im excited to do so.

Merlin's always been good at noticing things about other people, but he's absolute shit at noticing things about himself. Eggsy inserted himself into his life after V-Day, and he's grateful. ao3 mirror

Merlin is good at noticing things. As easy as that sounds, over the years, he’s gotten good at reading people. He knows when someone’s upset by the slightest twitch of a frown, he can tell if someone’s lying within the first few words of a sentence. He sees how Eggsy acts after V-Day, and he recognizes some similarities.

Not being able to cope with the death of someone so close to you before having to go out and save the world takes it’s toll. After Lancelot’s death, they had time to process. Took the time to honor his life in their own different ways. But before they could even think about Harry’s death, while the gunshot still echoed in their ears, they were shoved back into the world.

And now, it’s quiet. Cleanup after V-Day has been tough, but that’s mostly on Merlin’s and other agencies’ shoulders. It’s amazing how many people were believers in Valentine’s ideology, but the more time Merlin spends on the cases, the more it doesn’t surprise him. Rich, white men in positions of power? Of course they’d want to rid the world of anyone who isn’t them. The Kingsman agents are resting, training for the future when something like this inevitably happens again, and Merlin keeps an eye on Eggsy.

Half because Merlin is worried, and half because Eggsy doesn’t trust anyone else to check up on him. Rightfully so.

He sees the way Eggsy clenches his jaw when someone mentions a new Galahad, and he remembers the poorly concealed pain whenever someone mentioned replacing his first dead colleague at Kingsman. He listens to Eggsy complain about his therapy sessions and remembers how pissed he was that he had to go, but how thankful he was that he could get everything he kept bottled up off his chest.

As much as Merlin hated distractions, he finds it nice that Eggsy has placed himself into his life. When Eggsy knocks--three fast, gentle knocks, with his second knuckles, usually standing sideways to watch the hallway past Merlin’s room--it’s second nature to let him in, and rarely does he protest when the younger settles himself on the couch and talks about his day. If he needs quiet, Eggsy listens. More often than not, Eggsy is the one to remind him that yes, he does need to eat meals like a normal person, or that no, he can’t pull another all-nighter planning an extraction that’s not happening for another few days. And he gets used to it.

Eggsy’s been stuck in the Kingsman HQ for a while now, but differently than everyone else. Singlehandedly saving the world takes its toll, mentally and physically. Between wrecked ribs and some nasty internal bleeding from blunt force, he’s been in and out of the medical wing time and time again. He’s going a little crazy, but Merlin doesn’t mind hearing him complain as long it’s not targeted at him.

It’s around the time that Eggsy typically storms in--a few minutes after his therapy appointment, before he goes to train to get back into fighting shape--when he hears someone knock. Differently, more polite, definitely facing the door using their whole hand, not strong enough to be an agent. His hand hesitates over the button that he didn’t even notice he was reaching toward, and he has to remind himself of the proper etiquette. (If you told Merlin a year ago that he would be throwing etiquette, something he’s followed for so many years, to the wayside, he would have laughed right in your face.)

The conversation that follows is boring and completely unnecessary. Someone he hasn’t bothered to learn the name of going over the details of Lancelot’s next mission, a short recon mission in Turkey following the latest trace of any Valentine’s associates that weren’t blessed (or cursed) with being immune. He understands the importance of knowing the ins and outs of everything that goes on from here on out, to prevent another... situation from occurring, but, feeding him information he himself has ironed out thoroughly over the past week and a half seems a little much.

He catches himself again later on, when he opens his mouth and turns to ask Eggsy’s opinion on something and he remembers that he’s not there. There’s a sinking feeling in his stomach-- disappointment? The hell is he disappointed about?--and he takes his glasses off to scrub his hands over his face. Maybe it’s the exhaustion hitting him, but he knows that’s not it.

He may be good at noticing things in regards to others, but my God, he’s shit at noticing things about himself.

He cares so much because he’s grown fond of the younger boy. Even during training, when he swore up and down he wasn’t allowed to have favorites, because every time in the past he hasn’t cared for any of them past hoping they stay alive. But Eggsy’s so...different, feisty in the same ways that Merlin remembers Harry was, even when Eggsy had failed the dog test, it was the first time he was upset that someone didn’t make it. (Not to discredit Roxy in any way, of course.)

Eggsy knocks later on, and as Merlin opens the door he’s already talking, about his day and training with Roxy that “kicked his fuckin’ ass, but it was worth it”, and Merlin has planned this. In the time between his...realization of sorts, and now, he knows exactly what’s going to happen. Tactful, smooth, definitely planned--

“I’d like to take you out sometime.”

He turns in his chair to face Eggsy, who’s standing stock-still in front of the couch, mouth agape, and Merlin internally groans. He’s not used to trying to handle his own emotions, he typically just relies on his ability to mask everything and anything that might distract him from his work.

“Come again?”

“I admit, I’ve been rather fond of you for a while,” Merlin says slowly, treading lightly over the words he definitely hasn’t rehearsed, “and I appreciate your company very much. If not, it’s perfectly alright, don’t feel obligated or anything.”

“Sounds fun.”

It’s Merlin’s turn to gape a little, as Eggsy plops himself on the couch and flashes him a smile.

“Oh come on, I would’ve asked myself if you weren’t so bloody unreadable.”

“Aye, I have that same problem with myself.” Eggsy laughs and Merlin’s heart swoops pleasantly.

“Am I gonna get in trouble for sleeping with my boss?” Eggsy asks, and Merlin turns back to his monitor with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Who said I was your boss?”

If he had been looking, he would’ve seen the idea come to Eggsy, and he doesn’t react when Eggsy pushes himself up and crosses the room to stand next to Merlin’s chair.

“So I’m not going to get in trouble for a change?” Eggsy asks, rocking back on his heels, and Merlin glances at him out of the corner of his eye.

“What are you on about, lad?”

“Just wonderin’,” Eggsy hums, watching Merlin, “I won’t get in trouble if I ask to kiss ya?”

Merlin snorts and spins his chair to face him, looking up at him with an amused smile. “You’re almost as smooth as I am.”

“Is that a yes?”

Merlin hums an affirmative and Eggsy’s quick to lean down, gentle fingers resting under Merlin’s chin to tilt him up, kissing him slowly, and quite frankly, and little dirty. And Merlin expected nothing different.

When Eggsy pulls back he still lingers a little too close, hot breath puffing against Merlin’s lips, that sly smile on his face.

“When have you eaten last?”

“Do you want the real answer or the fake one?” Merlin mutters, voice low and a smile creeping onto his lips.

“ Hamish,” Eggsy scolds, voice condescending as ever as he stands up straight, and catching Merlin completely off-guard.

“ How --”

“What, I’m not allowed to know things too? Up, we’re going to eat.”

“This doesn’t count as the date though,” Merlin says as he shuts down his station, the long and meticulous way that makes Eggsy tap his foot impatiently. He doesn’t have to look to know.

“Nah, you can take me somewhere nice with all that Kingsman money.”

“That you, lad, also have.”

“Yeah, but,” Eggsy bats his eyelashes as Merlin stands up and faces him, “you wouldn’t make me pay, would you?”

“Make you pay some other way, then,” Merlin deadpans, and he can’t help but laugh when Eggsy very obviously wets his lips and ducks his head before following Merlin out of the office.