#so i'm gonna keep staying off tumblr to avoid spoilers

[fuckyeahvarric]

Return of Dork Inquisitor Mally Trevelyan

[nightunite]

slides u twenty dollars can we consider jealous johnny if he sees reader is only that avoidant with him and no one else… i don’t want to rush ahead in case you have something else planned but like, johnny hearing that there are rumors one of the baron’s newest maids is pregnant and the timing just lines up a little too well 😵‍💫😵‍💫

-noona bc tumblr refuses to let me send asks from sideblogs

Hiiiiiiiii Noona 💖

Thank you for the twenty, I'm gonna spend in on blind boxes, it's not an addiction, I can stop anytime I want. Spoilers concerning reader's pregnancy under the read more:

Gonna answer only the first part of this and save the second half because I don't wanna give away too much just yet. I will say that at the point this piece of the story takes place, our dear reader is indeed aware she's pregnant and has informed Konig, who insists on her having someone with her when she goes out into town. Anything could happen, and he fears the idea of her falling and harming herself or the baby, or having to do so much heavy lifting. They're just on friendly-ish terms though for now, as this isn't by the time reader has started showing, so no rumors have started flying yet. Also, curious how one section of this will be interpreted. Johnny exhaled as he stepped out of the shop, breath a thick fog in front of him as the winter chill set to work stinging his cheeks. Snow had fallen last night and stayed, keeping the roads slick. The thick woolen cap he wore snug around his head crushed down his signature hairstyle, but he'd rather have flat hair than a raw scalp. He rubbed his gloved hands along his wrists to fend off the shivers, the door behind him shutting with a clatter and the ring of bells as he moved along the walkway towards his next stop a few streets over. Four stores in, and he had yet to find what he was looking for. He wasn't entirely sure what that was, mind you, only that whatever it was remained elusive. It let him move about town all the same to get out of his house which had felt odd these past few weeks. Too loud, too quiet, achingly lonely yet also too many people nearby setting his nerves on edge. Impossible to get anything done, his irritation grew erratic like his thoughts. All he wanted was a moment of peace, a chance for his ever-restless thoughts to let him breathe lest he take it out on his staff.

Try as he might to deny it to himself, he knew why this happened. She wasn't there anymore. Packed up and left in the wee hours of the morn, when the fog was thick and the duchy silent as a graveyard. Didn't bother to inform him, merely the head maid whom had given him a look that said he was a fool. Shortly thereafter, word had gotten back to him that she had taken up a position in the Baron's home. He'd had to take a swift walk to handle that knotted up wad of string wrapped tightly in his gut.

If he were an honest man, he would say she hadn't truly been there even longer. It made his throat close up, the way she seemingly wasted away in his halls, sunken in on herself like a sunflower wilting in the frost. Like a cold snap at the start of winter, suddenly she had no time for him. Always quick to pull away from him, to find some task to do that kept her preoccupied from the start of the day until well past it. Hesitation whenever he asked her what was wrong, a momentary pause before she would tell him nothing was the matter, addressing him as 'my lord', as though the name she had permission to use would not escape her mouth.

Eyes always downcast, fixed on the floorboards or over his shoulder when she would bring herself to pretend to look him in the eye. Truth be told, he preferred it in some ways, the relief of not having that direct connection. At least then he didn't feel the weight of his inadequacy of caring for her, like a verdict cast down upon him. This way he could pretend that he was the man he was supposed to be. He stopped attempting to touch her in any way when he caught how she tensed, braced herself for contact. The kissing followed shortly thereafter, her strained smiles and broken laughter making him feel worse, like he never should have even tried. Anything further wasn't even on the table, and the thought of even broaching the subject made his insides churn. And so, he stopped. Filled his time with the other maids, though that never lasted long either. They weren't right; laughter too loud or high pitched, smile too far to one side, hair the wrong thickness between his fingers. It left him feeling further unease, as though he kept going down the wrong hallways in a maze that he had no chance of escaping. Like a picture set at the wrong angle, or shoes that are a size too small. It pinches him, makes something inside him pace like a beast in a cage, keeps him up at night. He knows what felt right, what kept him sated and content in his days. Eyes that gazed at him like he was her salvation, her sun, always turning towards him with a smile that made his own lips turn up. Soft hands even after hard work, rubbing over the calluses of his palms and stroking over any scars, pressing gentle kisses to them. Laughs and squeals that made his heart race like a schoolboy, cheeks flooded red with the desire to keep her that way, keep all of her attention on him. Even now as he turns the corner, he feels a small smile coming up from those memories, only to freeze awkwardly on his face.

Across the street there she walked, a small box wrapped in her free palm. He hadn't anticipated her being out, assuming she had remained indoors lest the chill finally do her in. He felt his breath leave his lungs at the sight while his blood raced at a fever pitch, heart beginning to hammer. She looked beautiful, the way she had before whatever had occurred at the duchy. Cheeks fuller than he had seen since this past fall, eyes bright and a small smile on her face, she looked radiant to him. Some piece of him, deep in his soul perhaps, relaxed in relief at the sight of her hale and hearty. Another part of him, a part of who he is as a man, feels the stirrings of bitterness at the fact she seems to flourish again once out of his reach. But he couldn't help the way he wanted to grit his teeth and snarl at who stood at her side. Baron Konig, the man who had poached her from him. Still draped in his silly shroud, he was covered head to toe, a thick peacoat covering him and sturdy boots making contact with the ground, clicks following. Even with the coat in the way, Johnny's eyes narrowed at the way her hand was tucked into the crook of his arm. Why does that bastard have the right to touch her? He must have said something under that hood, for she looked up at the Baron and let out a chuckle, breath pluming out for a moment before she responded with something that he nodded in return to. In his free arm he held several packages, looking for all the world as though they weighed nothing. To a man of that size, they probably didn't.

Johnny felt the acidic tendrils of jealousy lance through him, searing him from the inside out while he fought the need to bare his teeth and tear into the man. He couldn't help it, truly he couldn't. That should have been him with her, guiding her down the street while she looks up at him and laughs at whatever he tells her. Actually no, he thought, she shouldn't be out here at all. She should have been back in the duchy with him, playfully seated on his desk, fire roaring and keeping them both toasty while he pretended to work. He would reach out and cup her face, stroking the apple of her cheek, while she would lean in and reward him with a kiss for his hard work that day. A game they had played before, the two of them wrapped up against the bitter outside world, a secret shared between their hearts.

Why does she not look at him that way? What did he do to harm her? What must he do to have her return to him? Just look at him again, please. Even just a passing glance, something to show that she still recalls who he is, who he can be to her.

Words of adoration and touches that feel like absolution dissipate from his eyes, Johnny swallowing a small noise behind his teeth when he sees how she leans into the Baron so she can stretch slightly higher and say something in his ear. Never before has Johnny wished to be lesser in society so as to step forward and take her hand and pull her home, show everyone who she is meant for. Unable to bear the sight any longer he hunches his head into the collar of his coat and swiftly turns around. His attempts at finding peace have only led him to further turmoil.

As he heads back to his carriage, his thoughts circle over and over, ruminating and digging furrows into his sanity.

He doesn't deserve this, none of this. Not with a woman like that, not with her. When he returns to the house, he has letters to write.

[queerwritersingerdramaqueen]

TUMBLR, I WILL MAKE YOU POST THIS

PREVIEW: 

AKA-NO-KEN YOU ACTUAL PHSCHIC HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GUESS ALL MY GOD CASTINGS CORRECTLY???

AGAIN, WISDOM SAGA SPOILERS SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. ALSO MAYBE A TRIGGER WARNING FOR LOVE IN PARADISE CAUSE THAT WAS MORE THAN I WAS FUCKING EXPECTING.

THIS IS SHERLOCK AND BILL'S FUCKING SAGA NOW BITCHES BROS AND NON-BINARY HOES. AND AGAIN, I'M FANGIRLING AS I GO.

So, with where we left off, William's having a minor relapse in his mental state but it won't become too much of a plot point/serious thing. He and Moran are on funky terms but if there is no "reconciliation" in later sagas then We'll figure that out when we get there. Anyway, this saga ain't about him.

(ALSO, I MISSED A FUCKING OPPOURTUNITY

VON HERDER AS TIRESIAS, IM A FOOL)

Anyway, lets get started.

The Wisdom Saga:

Legendary - BILL IS HERE FUCKERS. SHERLIAM'S ADPOTED SON IS GONNA BE LEGENDARY. I really like how this parallels with Canon when Bill only knew William as a genius professor and Sherlock's actually the one who introduces them in a way. It'll set up nicely for when we get to "I can't help but wonder" and Telemachus/Bill has to toss up with the fact that his Dad just removed the twenty year problem but he did also kill a bunch of people (you know, like in canon.). So this starts out with the lights slowly coming in and Bill's "room" has a chair and a few other easily moveable props. This is a very dancey number I'm finding so these props are probably gonna get taken off stage so there can be actors milling around for Telemachus to interact with, I think he'd be mostly weaving between them trying to avoid them while they keep swiping at him. The majority of suitors can be off the stage but Antinous and a few others are up there ready for the "Whatcha gonna do about it, champ?" The lights would change on Boy to a red colour. It would be so cute seeing Billy fight for Sherlock's Honour. I think something really cool that could happen is when Telemachus sings "somebody help me" the lights flash blue for a second like Athena has heard his plea. and at the very end of the song, he punches Milverton square on the nose (in the fake way of course).

Little Wolf - My big idea for this that would absolutely not transfer over to a regular production of Epic the musical would be that Antinous/Milverton is not the one fighting Telemachus/Bill. I cannot really see Milverton fighting for himself and would definitely have lackey's doing it for him; but outside of this AU Antinous absolutely fights for himself. But yeah, Milverton mocks the shit out of Bill while he's fighting somebody. The lights stay red while the suitors and Milverton are doing their thing. When Athena appears the lights turn blue like fighting of the panic of being in a fight. I think this is one of those moments where its so fun having Sherlock as Athena and Penelope cause it's like "Don't worry baby, Mama's here to help." But, onto the super cool crossover intertexuality talk I can't seem to do right now, Sherlock as Athena fits very nicely cause he, alongside William, helps Bill get into the university; so Sherlock being the one helping in this fight reminds me of that. And Athena's "I've no respect for bullies" reminds me of his disdain for Milverton and his methods of blackmail. ALSO, HER PIANO IN THAT PART IS SO FUCKING GOOD I FUCKING ASCENDED. PAIRING IT WITHT HE DRUMS THAT WAY, WHO DOES JORGE THINK HE IS. In a way, this is like showing how Penelope would like to react to her suitors beating up her son (it just popped into my head but kind of like a batman meme, Penelope dressing up as the goddess of wisdom to fuck up her son's bullies). Athena's whole solo there sounds a lot like Sherlock when he was talking to Irene. And when the fight ends and Antinous says Penelope needs to pick a suitor, Athena/Sherlock is very disturbed before he helps Bill up.

We'll be Fine - The thing I love the absolute most about this musical is exploring Sherlock's side of this whole fiasco they were in and giving him a chance to vent some of this frustrations. Because it wasn't easy on him either and he might blame himself a little bit for not being able to help more. Bill knows a little bit about it from gossip and rumour and being a part of the Epic cast for a little while, not too much but between the two of them, Bill understands that Sherlock is letting out a bit of his frustration with the previous problem and the repeat that seems to be occurring, because he's super smart like that (I say seems because in real life, it won't last that long and William is probably gonna be ok and reconciled with Moran by the time we get there. It'll hopefully make sense once we get to the next saga but I just can't keep knocking this dude over he needs to start healing and giving him a less self-jeopardising problem to fight). Even though he and William have worked through a fair bit of what happened and their still going really strong, Sherlock is still worried. Sherlock's super soft on Bill because he's so similar to William. Bill, while sticking to the script, is just subtly reassuring him that it's ok, they'll get through this rough patch and they'll be fine. Sherlock doesn't need to be the first responder. A little bit of it probably comes out as Bill saying "William wouldn't want you to beat yourself up over this," especially when he mentions Athena's friend (William and Bill are also probably really close friends at this point, don't tell me William wouldn't take him under his wing immediately after they're introduced). When Athena calls him a good kid, Sherlock ruffles his hair and then Bill makes a move like someone's calling him and runs off, leaving him for the next part.

ALRIGHT I'M HAVING FUCKING ISSUES WITH TUMBLR RIGHT NOW SO STAY TUNED FOR PART TWO BECAUSE ANYTHING LONGER THAN THIS WONT FUCKING POST OR SAVE AS A DRAFT.

@aka-no-ken I'M COMING SWEETIE AND I'M BRINGING MY WORK WITH ME JUST BEAR WITH ME

[hunsa-jars]

man

Heyy things are pretty busy and exhausting right now, but I promise I'm trying to be brave about it

Might pop up here tomorrow

Or the day after tomorrow- this week sometime, or I'll go bonkers

Gonna queue this because I really shouldn't be distracting myself more than I already do nhdfdh

Haghhhh I miss you all, I'll be back

(uhh life update under the cut? to the folks who are curious, kinda wanted to mention these at some point anyways)

OI HI TO THE PEOPLE WHO STAYED HOW'S IT GOING

Remember that I said that my phone might be still alive after all? Well.. yeah, no, that was a false alarm, it really did kick the bucket. Temporarily using my sister's old phone until I get a new one this Christmas

And because I'm the way I am, I refuse to change anything about it- like I can't stand the idea of getting used/attached to it when I know in a couple of weeks I'm gonna give it back, so..

So yeah, I don't want to go through the procedures of logging into everything, including Tumblr

I've been avoiding going here anyway, so technically it helps :''')

My attention span is so awful you guys, so mad at myself 24/7 for always looking for excuses to not do my studying routine

Speaking of studying, this is the last week of uni for this year!

BUT exam period is starting next week and I have like 3 exams before Christmas, so fun

Uhhhh remember the board game I mentioned making? Teacher loved it and wants to display it for the university's open day. Pretty glad, worked hard on that thing (even tho it could have been better)

Gonna show you guys once I get it back

Uhhhh did my best with my recorder, my hands were shaking, but the teacher could tell I was only messing up because I was nervous as balls, and not because I didn't know the songs, thank god

My grandma is doing well! Well.. better. We keep her company. My cousins come to visit us twice a week now, so no silent Saturdays or Sundays

FINALLY figured out how to use emulators, so between studying for the January exams and relative visits, I'm gonna finally play Animal Crossing and Earthbound properly (I think I've mentioned using online emulators before, but those distorted the music so much I just couldn't continue with it)

Also was anybody going to tell me that OFF is free?

And Yume Nikki?? On Steam?????? Hello??

Umm also! My little brother sat down with me last Saturday and made me watch Murder Drones (he's hyperfixating and wanted to pass it onto me, spoilers: IT WORKED)

Oh my goodness... that show................................. Plan for another flooding

What else, uh- we're on season 2 of AOT, it's insane, it makes me insane, I wish I could say more without going unhinged

I... i think that's all

To the people who've been tagging me the past few days I SEE YOU ALL, THANK YOU FOR THINKING OF ME, I'LL GET TO IT

Well

See you guys later this week, hopefully, please take care

[deveharrington]

OOOoooOooOoooooOOOOO Gillian said that she’s ready to grow her trauma haircut out?? that means she’s over whatever traumatized her right right 😎

[that-bajan-kid]

Boku No Hero Academia Chapter 292 SPOILERS

(Pogchamp)

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Imagine staying away from Tumblr, Instagram and Twitter to avoid spoilers, only to get spoiled by a fUCKING WHATSAPP GROUP CHAT I'M SO MAD RN

Y'all better believe I freaked out when I saw this. I've seen lots of theories about this too. Mostly traitor!Kirishima since Bakugou's doing his pose and the other two are posing like villains. Also fan art. So. Much. Fan art. Now on to the chapter.

We see Jeanist in the plane getting ready to jump out while the latest episode of Keeping Up With The Todorokis plays in the background and he's not too happy about Dabi using his and his family's trauma to destroy hero society. I get that Dabi shouldn't have exposed Endeavour in the most damaging way possible for everyone involved but in his defence 1) it's not his fault Enji was a peice of shit to his family and 2) Dabi's a Todoroki, being dramatic is ingrained in their DNA.

YAS JEANIST FUCK EM UP. Bakugou you really should not be standing right now, I can see the pain it's causing you all over your face. So was it really a dead body in that bag? And Dabi, didn't you also not believe it was actually Jeanist or did the months of him missing convince you it was actually him?

Dabi is glowing like the sun and smoking like a Colorado wild fire which can't possibly be healthy for him. Dabi is all "Whatever bitch, the Todoroki family drama is to strong to be defeated by mere steel wires. Right, Shouto?" as Todoroki charges towards his previously-thought-to-be-dead older brother with some fire of his own. Compress and Spinner are talking about how Jeanist actually managed to subdue Machia and Spinner is all "Doesn't Machia have super strength tho?" and I'm here sitting in my seat wondering if the anaesthetic finally kicked in as Jeanist tightens the wire around Machia.

Spinner realises that Machia has been panting ever since they arrive, aka when his orders were full filled. So now he's disparately trying to wake Shiggy up so he can give Machia a reason to stay awake but then a wild Nejire-chan appears out of no where and she looks fucking pissed the fuck off and I am here for it.

FOR FUCK SAKE DABI GOD DAMNIT FUCK

Istg if she's dead I'm gonna fucking riot. Man Shouto is not having a good time. Midoriya better has sit his ass down. The fuck are you gonna do? Cry at them?? You ain't got no arms bitch.

Oh look a new background for my phone.

(Edit: I like how the heat from his flames are warping the panels)

Izuku you are physically incapable of doing anything rn. Yeah Shouto is in pain but at least his bones weren't turn to liquid. Is Jeanist talking about Endeavour or himself? Cause Hawks is down for the count and I'd be pretty pissed if Hori let Enji keep his hero licence after this.

There was a house. I think it might have been Tenko's, I'm not sure. So anyway, Shiggy woke up and he's thinking to himself "Damn I'm itchy but I can't move. Lemme fix that." and then orders Machia to break free. So Machia is doing that and now Jeanist with his one (1) lung are having a hard time keeping up.

It's been like six months since I last visited duolingo but I'm pretty sure those sound effects say "Aaaaa" which I find hilarious. I also completely forgot this was happening. Is Shiggy calling back the NHE? Cause the others are fucked if that's what's happening.

I had the ending of this chapter spoiled for me so I already know who that is which sucks all the fun out of it but I'll act like I don't know who it is out of respect for their character.

Oh my god Burnin was save at the last second who could it possibly be????????

This panel looks really cool also Shouto's flames?

So Dabi and Shouto are battling it out final agnikai style and Shouto is all "So your the one who sent that villain to our house!!?! NATSUO ALMOST DIED YOU ASSHOLE!!! DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT YOUR FAVOURITE BROTHER?!!!!?!!!" And Dabi's stone cold response is "But Endeavour would have suffered" so Shouto has the natural response of "HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND" to which Dabi responds with "YOUR GODDAMN RIGHT I DID." and how he no longer has the ability to care about anything anymore which is very sad but damnit this panel would look godly animated.

So Dabi is like "Now I can finally kill you" as he gets ready to kill Shouto and the NHE are showing up and Jeanist is completely out in the open now. Whatever shall happen now???? Oh dearist me. If only the heroes had another secret ace up their sleeve that was not in anyone's plans because of how unlikely it was to happen. I wonder.

DON'T YOU JUST LOVE IT WHEN PAST TRAUMA AND CURRENT TRAUMA MIX IN THE MOST TOXIC, SELF DEPRICATING WAY POSSIBLE???? Izuku, who has done literally everything in his power to keep everyone from a groosome desintergrating demise, the one who is physically incapable of moving, is really sitting here calling himself a useless hero because his body's natural instinct to not die, which he still has apparently, is preventing him from floating head first into the arms of Death. BOI YOU SHOULDN'T EVEN BE CONCIOUS RIGHT NOW WHAT DO YOU MEAN!??!!?

I swear if these kids don't get some therapy after this.

Oh my god it's lemillion what a surprise. Also, did he really just say "Pogchamp" lmfao. I'm still salty about being spoiled but that was really funny. How long has he had his quirk back? We know Aizawa has been training Eri's quirk but when did she get enough control to be able to fix him? I'm so glad she can control her quirk now cause it means she won't be scare of accidentally uno reversing someone out of existence.

Still very disappointed the Mirio reveal was spoiled for me. Pogchamp was hilarious but still. I'm sure the official translation will have him saying something boring like "POWERRRRRRRRR". Sigh. Welp time to commit verbal assassination.

Until next time.

[dangermousie]

Heelo mousie! Love your blog! Do you mind recommending some of your favourite Chinese BL novels or shows?

I've seen the untamed and read it. I'm currently reading heaven's official blessing and I saw the donghua. Anything other than these two?

Awww, thank you!

Novels: I am gonna be lazy and literally copy/paste the entire danmei section of my top 10 web novels post (except MXTX’s stuff since you are already reading it.) Let me know if you need help finding any of these.

Lord Seventh - I am only partway through this so far, but it’s already on the list because it’s smart and somehow intense AND laid-back (not sure how this works, but it does) and is honestly just a really really solid and smart period novel, with the OTP a cherry on top of a narrative sundae. Plus, I love the concept of MC deciding he is not going for his supposedly fated love - he’s tried for six lifetimes, always with disaster, and he’s just plain done and tired. When he opens his life in his seventh reincarnation and sees the person he would have given up the world for, he genuinely feels nothing at all. (Spoiler - his OTP is actually a barbarian shaman this time around, thank you Lord!)

Golden Stage - my perfect comfort novel. Probably the least angsty of any danmei novel on this list (which still means plenty angsty :P) It also has a dedicated, smart OTP that is an OTP for the bulk of the book - I think you will notice that in most of the novels in this list, I go for “OTP against the world” trope - I can’t stand love triangles and the same. Anyway, Fu Shen, is a famous general whose fame is making the emperor   antsy. When he gets injured and can’t walk any more, the emperor gladly recalls him and marries him off to his most faithful court lackey, the head of sort of secret police, Yan Xiaohan. The emperor intends it both  as a check on the general and a general spite move since the two men   always clash in court whenever they meet. But not all is at is seems. They used to be  friends a long time ago, had a falling out, and one of the loveliest  parts of the novel is them finding their way to each other, but there is  also finding the middle path between their two very different  philosophies and ways of being, not to mention solving a conspiracy or  dozen, and putting a new dynasty on the throne, among other things. It always makes me think, a little, of “if Mei Changsu x Jingyan were canon.”

Sha Po Lang - if you like a lot of fantasy politics and world-building and steampunk with your novels, this one is for you. This one is VERY plot-heavy with smart, dedicated characters and a deconstruction of many traditional virtues - our protagonist Chang Geng, a long-lost son of the Emperor, is someone who wants to modernize the country but also take down the current emperor his brother for progress’ sake and the person he’s in love with is the general who saved him when he was a kid who is nominally his foster father. Anyway, the romance is mainly a garnish in this one, not even a big side dish, but the relationship between two smart, dedicated, deadly individuals with very different concepts of duty is fascinating long before it turns romantic. And if you like angst, while overall it’s not as angsty as e.g., Meatbun stuff, Chang Geng’s childhood is the stuff of nightmares and probably freaks me out more than anything else in any novel on this list, 2ha included.

To Rule In a Turbulent World (LSWW) - gay Minglan. No seriously. This is how I think of it. it’s a slice of life period novel with fascinating characters and  setting that happens to have a gay OTP, not a romance in a period  setting per se and I always prefer stories where the romance is not the only thing that is going on. It’s meticulously written and smart and deals with  character development and somehow makes daily minutia fascinating. Our   protagonist, You Miao, is the son of a fabulously wealthy merchant,   sent to the capital to make connections and study. As the story starts, he sees his friend’s  servants beating someone to death, feels bad, and buys him because, as  we discover gradually and organically, You Miao may be wealthy and  occasionally immature but he is a genuinely good person. The person he buys is a barbarian from beyond the wall, named   Li Zhifeng. It’s touch and go if the man will survive but eventually he does and You Miao, who by then has to return home, gives him his papers  and lets him go. However, LZF decides to stick with You Miao instead, both  out of sense of debt for YM saving his life and because he genuinely  likes him (and yet, there is no instalove on either of their parts, their bodies have fun a lot quicker than their souls.) Anyway, the two  take up farming, get involved in  the imperial exams and it’s the life of prosperity and peace, until an invasion happens and things go rapidly to hell. This is so nuanced, so smart (smart people in this actually ARE!) and has secondary characters who are just as complex as the mains (for example, I ended up adoring YM’s friend, the one who starts the plot by almost beating LZF to death for no reason) because the novel never forgets that few people are all villain. There is a lovely character arc or two - watching YM grow up and LZF thaw - there is the fact that You Miao is a unicorn in web novels being laid back and calm. This whole thing is a masterpiece.

Stains of Filth (Yuwu) - want the emotional hit of 2ha but want to read something half its length? Well, the author of 2ha is here to eviscerate you in a shorter amount of time. This has the beautiful world-building, plot twists that all make sense and, at the center of it all, an intense and all-consuming and gloriously painful relationship between two generals - one aristocratic loner Mo Xi, and the other gregarious former slave general Gu Mang. Once they were best friends and lovers, but when the novel starts, Gu Mang has long turned traitor and went to serve the enemy kingdom and has now been returned and Mo Xi, who now commands the remnants of his slave army, has to cope with the fact that he has never been able to get over the man who stabbed him through the heart. Literally. This novel has a gorgeously looping structure, with flashbacks interwoven into present storyline. There is so much love and longing and sacrifice in this that I am tearing up a bit just thinking of it. If you don’t love Mo Xi and Gu Mang, separately and together, by the end of it, you have no soul.

The Dumb Husky and His White Cat Shizun (2ha/erha) - if you’ve been following my tumblr for more than a hot second, you know my obsession with this novel. Honestly, even if I were to make a list of my top 10 novels of any kind, not just webnovels, this would be on the list. It has everything I want - a complicated, intricate plot with an insane amount of plot twists, all of which are both unexpected and make total sense, a rich and large cast of characters, a truly epic OTP that makes me bawl, emotional intensity that sometimes maxes even me out and so much character nuance and growth. Also, Moran is my favorite web novel character ever, hands down.

Anyway, the plot (or at least the way it first appears) is that the evil emperor of the cultivation world, Taxian Jun, kills himself at 32 and wakes up in the body of his 16 year old self, birth name Moran. Excited to get a redo, Moran wants to save his supposed true love Shimei, whose death the last go-around pushed him towards evil. He also wants to avoid entanglement with Chu Wanning, his shizun and sworn enemy in past life. And that’s all you are best off knowing, trust me. The only hint I am going to give is oooh boy the mother of all unreliable narrators has arrived!

The novel starts light and funny on boil the frog principle - if someone told me I would be full bawling multiple times with this novel, I’d have thought they were insane, but i swear my eyes hurt by the end of it. I started out being amused and/or disliking the mains and by the end I would die for either of them.

The Wife is First - OK, this one did not make my top 10 web novels but it’s a sweet, fun gay cottagecore fest. Our ML, a royal prince, and his spouse, a smart if delicate aristocrat, keep house, eat noodles, play with their pet tiger, make out and spoil each other rotten, while occasionally fighting battles and outwitting their court enemies. It’s so very mellow. That couple redefines low drama - they are both nice and functional and use their brains. It’s as if a nice jock and a nice nerd got together and then proceeded to be wholesome all over the place.

I mean, the set up could be dramatic - our ML the prince, lost his fight for the throne and is about to be killed. The only person who stayed loyal to him is his arranged husband the aristocrat guy who ML never treated nicely since he resented marrying him (marrying a man in that world is done to remove someone from the ability to inherit the throne.) And yet the husband stood by him not out of love but beliefs in loyalty blah blah. Anyway, he transmigrates back into the past right after their wedding night and is all “I got a second chance OMG! I don’t want the throne what is even the point? I want to live a good long life and treat the only person who stood by me really well!” And he proceeds to do so to the shock of the aristocrat who had a very unpleasant wedding night and generally can tell the man he just married would rather eat nails than be married to him. But soon enough (no seriously, it’s not many chapters at all) he believes the prince is sincere blah blah and then  they get together and they pretty much become cottagecore goals.

In terms of dramas, I only do period dramas (or novels) so I am not the person to be able to recommend any modern BLs. There is a flood of upcoming (hopefully) period BL dramas but it’s relatively thin on the ground now. The two I will recommend is Word of Honor (which is AMAZING) and Winter Begonia (which I just started watching but which owns me already.) I have a tag for both - the one for the former is huge and I cannot recommend either strongly enough. I’ve heard good things about The Sleuth of the Ming Dynasty, but I am not big on mysteries so haven’t watched it for myself.

In terms of the upcoming BLs, the ones I am most looking forward to are Immortality and Winner Is King, but The Society of the Four Leaves also looks promising.

[smolcinnamonchipmunk]

Stained Ruins Pt. 1

(Spoilers for Liyue, specifically about Childe. I hope it's not too OOC, I'm just going off the story and wiki. This is incredibly self indulgent, haha ^^;. Also, I realized that I've never seen a catgirl/dogboy in Liyue, only in Inazuma and Mondstadt. Ganyu has horns, but that's about it. 

To make it a bit more realistic, I'm gonna say the map is bigger since I'm guessing it's pretty small for game sake, and I'm gonna add a random ruin because I want more ruins with towers. Don't get me wrong, it's a huge map to explore in game, but with how fast the days go in game I'm gonna say it's a few days of travel. I did a bunch of calculations, but I won't bore anyone with them, haha.

I also had to cut this into two parts, which I’ve never experienced before, so either I wrote a lot more in this or Tumblr has turned into a massive butt.)

I hummed a bit as I walked along the trail, toying with a leaf in my hand in boredom as the afternoon sun was briefly covered by wispy clouds. I really wanted to fly since it would be so much quicker, but one of the Knights of Favonious - I think her name was Jean, she didn't really come out of the Headquarters much - had told me to be cautious since there were some that probably wouldn't be as accepting of my wings. Which I felt was very off considering there were people with cat and dog ears and tails! But, it was an entirely different country that sounded a lot more strict than I was used to.

... Still, it couldn't hurt to fly a little, right? If I flew high enough, people wouldn't think twice.

Pausing, I looked around, checking to see if there was anyone else on the trail. Seeing no one, I continued to be cautious as my wings changed and unfurled. It felt almost wrong for them to be visible with how long and often I'd been keeping them hidden from public view. But, it also felt so good for them to be able to stretch them, like when you're sitting down far too long and finally stand up to stretch and walk around.

In fact, I think it'd been a week since I last had them out for any substantial amount of time.

I stretched both my arms and wings, satisfied as a few bones popped and my muscles strained a little. Making a small noise in thought, I figured I might want a take off point. Sure, I could get myself off the ground just fine, but if I could get a pleasant updraft to ease my underworked wings, it would be preferred. The closest thing was just a hill though, so after a bit of a walk I reached the disappointingly short peak. 

Looks like my hope for an easy takeoff wasn't one to be fulfilled, sadly. Still, it allowed me a bit of leeway as I struggled a little to take off into the air even with the help of Anemo energy. A particularly powerful flap, and I was able to stay aloft, making my ascent as quick as I could to try and avoid any prying eyes that were nearby. It took a lot longer than I would have liked, feeling like forever before I reached an altitude where I could just rely on wind currents and the occasional wingbeat to continue going forward. Even these small movements made my underused muscles ache a little.

If it'd been a bit since I allowed my wings to stretch, it'd been even longer since I'd actually flown. Turns out you need a license just to glide, which is how the Knights found out about my wings since I couldn't exactly take them off like the gliders they used. There had been a lot of questions that day, and I didn't particularly like the vibe the librarian had been throwing off.

Still, musings of the past few weeks aside, the scenery was rather pretty from my position flying above the ground. I still followed the trail below, now a thin line in the ground as I flew over hills, lakes, and valleys. And I noticed that there were ruins everywhere along the way, some close to the road that led to Liyue and some that I could see in the distance as just gray mounds. The road that I was following that I was told would take two to three days to travel was speeding by beneath me, and even at my leisurely pace (both because I wasn't in a particular hurry and also because I was too out of practice to pick up the pace too much) I should reach Liyue Harbor before the end of the day!

But, it didn't take long before the ache in my wings became almost unbearable. I started slowly descending, trying to look for a place to land not too close to the trail since I had seen a few carts on the way. I saw some ruins about a mile away with a few towers. Most were crumbled from degradation, but I landed on top of the one tower that remained standing.

I was a bit nervous that it would fall as I planted my feet into the weathered stone, but thankfully it didn't so much as budge beneath my weight. My wings instinctively folded into themselves and turned into the cloak, blinking after a second at realizing the unintentional action. I shrugged it off internally, not super fussed whether or not my wings were out while I let them rest, and started to look around the top of the tower.

It was bare aside from some wood scraps and the vines that curled up from the outer wall that managed to reach all the way to the top. There was a bit of a degraded portion of the roof, and when I approached out of curiosity, I saw a ladder that looked like it was hanging on by a thread. Judging by the wood splinters at the bottom of the ladder, there'd probably been a trapdoor leading to the roof that broke before the stone around it. Other than that, there wasn’t much to be seen down below, but I could hear something and tilted my head as I tried to decipher what it was. It was too loud to be a rat, and sounded as though something large was being dragged.

I was curious, though my mind hopped to one of the worst possibilities: murderer hiding a body.

I certainly hoped that wasn’t the case, mulling over my options in my head. I didn’t exactly want to confront a potential murderer, but after a few more seconds I felt a bit guilty at the thought of leaving. If someone was hiding a body, there was the chance that they’d never be caught if I just disregarded the whole thing and went about my day as though nothing had happened.

Pulling the hood of my cloak over my head, the dark color hopefully going to help me be stealthy, I decided to at least investigate further. If it was a murderer hiding a body, I’ll incapacitate them and figure out how to get the local authorities involved. If it wasn’t a murderer, I’d just leave and go about my day without any incident. Either way, it’d require me to go down into the tower to get a closer look.

Not exactly trusting the ladder to not crumble and alert whoever was down there of my presence, I hopped down and softened my fall with a small breeze of Anemo energy. The first floor I landed in was empty save for some crates that looked smashed in and looted through, but there was a stairwell nearby that seemed to go down with the curvature of the wall. Aside from some cracks and missing stones in the wall letting in light, it was rather dark inside, and it seemed like it would only be about the same further in. 

The first step down the steps was the most nerve-wracking, but thankfully nothing crumbled or creaked beneath me. Each step still made me nervous as I crept down the stairs towards the noise, but heard nothing other than my attempt at quiet footsteps, the dragging sound now stopped and replaced by voices.

So there were multiple people. Hopefully, that decreased the chance of it being a murder.

As I got closer, I realized that the source of the noise must have been further than I thought, the sound of the voices reverberating up the stone cylinder as I walked down from floor to floor in search of the people. It sounded like they were talking about the ruins themselves, something about an important artifact. I think they were talking about names, but they could have been titles for all I knew. Harbinger was one I knew, but I wasn’t sure whether that was the artifact or something else.

Eventually, my investigation brought me below ground, noticing what I could only guess was a lookout posted at the first floor entrance. Thankfully, they were looking outside of the tower, otherwise they definitely would have seen me walk to the basement steps. The voices were definitely louder here, echoing on the stone. Oh yeah, they definitely needed the lookout to make sure no one could hear them since they didn’t seem to care about toning their voices down. Then again, the ruins were a bit away from the trail, so it wasn’t like their voices would travel far enough to alert passersby that were just walking down the road.

There were lit torches down here along the wall, practically a trail towards where the voices were coming from as I stood at the bottom of the steps. A part of me wanted to back out, thinking this was obviously a group effort for looting and not a murder scene. But, my curiosity reasoned that I’d already made it this far. If things went downhill, I was pretty sure that I could handle a bunch of treasure hunters.

So, I continued forward, peering around the next corner where I could see a group of oddly dressed people standing in front of what looked like a large stone door with carvings. A large bag spilling with tools for mining and other items seemed to be the source of the dragging noise earlier based on the line of disturbed dust on the ground that led to it.

Well, that answered one question, but I still had more. Like, what kind of artifact were they looking for? What did they want it for? I tilted my head in my musings, trying to glean what I could from the conversation in front of the carved doors and from the markings themselves. 

I was torn from my thoughts roughly as a sharp “Hey!” resonated behind me. I was barely able to turn around before finding myself roughly pinned against the wall by my assailant's forearm slamming against my collarbone. The action forced air from my lungs and I gasped, head bowing for a second as I coughed and my hood fell. Whoever had me pinned was angrily saying something, but I didn’t really hear it over my daze. I must not have heard him over the echoing voice, leaving him to take advantage of my ignorance. Rude!

Becoming angry myself, my head snapped up to glare at the person pinning me, seeing a masked face with dark eyes. Since they had me pinned by my collarbone, my arms were free and I pushed out with them, shouting, “Get the fuck off me!”

A burst of Anemo energy was released, the gale strong enough to slam the masked man into the wall opposite of the stone hall. I watched him fall to the ground with fury at having been jumped, waiting for any sign of life from him. Even if I attacked in self-defense, I didn’t want him dead. But, his torso moved with his breaths, and that was enough of a confirmation he was okay for me. I realized that the voices had stopped, hearing footsteps and shouting from around the corner where the carved door was.

Definitely my cue to leave before I ended up having to knock everyone around here out.

I quickly started sprinting back down the hall towards the stairs that lead to the first floor and the rest of the tower. And almost ran headfirst into a glowing and opaque yellow wall that suddenly sprouted out of the ground in front of me, barely preventing me from doing so by skidding to a halt a couple feet in front of it. Reaching out a hand towards it, it was indeed solid, and I knew it had to be from one of the people that were chasing me. 

Spinning around, I glanced over at the three people that had me cornered, seeing one with a staff that was glowing the same color as the yellow wall, with clothing to match. They had a Vision.

“You’re not getting away,” the large one in purple said, voice distorted. I realized that the other man’s voice had been distorted, but it hadn’t registered in the whole being pinned against the wall thing. The person in purple had a giant warhammer while the last one was in red and held a gun. Probably the most concerning thing right now, but the person in purple demanded my attention by adding, “I’ll kill you!”

“Isn’t that taking it a bit far,” I retorted, setting my sights on the man in yellow that was keeping me trapped. A click caught my attention as I lunged, seeing the man in red lifting his gun that was glowing. I barely managed to roll out of the way of the shot, the sound echoing in the stone halls as a scorch mark burned into the spot where I had been a moment ago. So, they had a Vision, too. I debated whether or not I should prioritize him since I couldn’t exactly do much if I was shot, rolling out of the way of the purple man’s swing that would have broken a few bones if the cracked stone was any indication.

This was such a constrained space that I had to try and be tactful. One wrong move and I could end up dead, let alone crippled.

Jumping to my feet, I bolted behind the purple man and used him to block me from the red man’s line of sight. With his bulk, the purple man had difficulty trying to spin around fast enough to clock me with his hammer as I followed his movement. The spin allowed me to get closer to the man in yellow, readying to bolt forward and knock that stupid staff from his hand but another shot from the gun caused me to flinch back at the sound. 

I saw the scorch mark on the ceiling, realizing the man in red didn’t have a clear shot of me and had used the noise to startle me. Successfully, I might add, finding my throat grabbed by the man in purple and lifted into the air roughly while my hands instinctively grasped at the thick glove he had on. 

“Let’s end this quickly,” he said, his gloved hand tightening around my neck. He shifted his hammer in his other hand and it suddenly burst into crackling electricity.

Where they all fucking VIsion holders?!

“What’s going on?”

(Sorry, kind of cliffhanger! Read the next part if you want ;) )

[kcatta-wodahs]

Hey there :3 May I request a matchup🙈? I'm a 5'6 tall, queer, chin long dyed red haired girl(she/her) and you can call me Karo if you need a name :p I don't really care if it's a single pairing or a poly one as well as the kind of relationship (platonic/romantic/sexual), but maybe a romantic one would be sweet🤔 I'm a INFP and was born under the sign of Pisces and I think the stereotype fits me pretty well lol. I don't think I would describe myself as clingy, I definetely need my space (part1)

and me-time, but sometimes it's also nice to have someone who will drag me outside to do stuff or socialize if I'm isolating myself too much or another depressive episode seems to creep up on me. I think they need to understand, doesn't matter if it's a platonic or romantic relationship, that sometimes I can't give them much(time etc) and that that's nothing personal and that they're still very important to me. Hmmm I think I would prefer my relationship like I like my fanfics hehe, slow burning, like first get to know each other, (enemies to) friends to lovers is just *chefs kiss* for me <3 I really love to draw and sing, to dance too, I like to spend time in nature and with animals, help them too. But I also like adrenaline rushes, like rollercoasters, cave exploring, bungee jumping, exploring lost places etc, I would say I'm almost up to anything if it's exciting or interesting, but I definetely like just chilling and watching netflix, playing games or watching Vine compilations or crackhead satire twilight tiktoks(which is tbh the things I do most of the time until someone drags me out). I love making others laugh with just random outbursts(thats pretty much my humour, just randomness and gen z memes). I try not to judge anyone for anything and be open for all kinds of stuff, except for like non-negotiable things for me like racism, homophobia, sexism etc, like, full offense but I have absolutely a zero tolerance for that. I also get very emotional very easily, doesn't matter if it's something not so important like a touching movie scene(so many things make me cry so easily haha) or like in an argument. I really have a hard time argueing, I hate it SO much, I either try to avoid conflict(and run away like a coward lol) or if it's really something we have to discuss I sometimes need time and space in between(not the best under stress talker/thinker), but if the other side is being calm and considerate then I think I would be fine too Oh almost forgot,I love cuddling(definetely also platonic)and am not afraid to just throw myself at my friends/lover/s I am getting better at not caring about what others think, but sometimes I'm still pretty insecure about everything(my actions,my future,my appearence..),but my motto is fake it till you make it,so feck other people,I can do whatever the hell I like and nobody's gonna stop me hehe😈🙈 Soo yes,I think that will be enough😂Thank you for your time and effort👐💕👐

A/N: I promise you fake it til you make it is 100000% good strategy and also i see feck are you from ireland

I pair you with.... The Attic Sandwich!

Beel and Belphie would be perfect partners for you. The two of them balance each other out in many ways, and you fit right into that. They value the connection between them and because of it they don't expect to always be around each other. This connection extends to you. Beel takes you out to all sorts of places (usually ones where there's unique food) and would definitely have fun with some adrenaline rushes. It makes him forget about his hunger for a bit. Belphie is absolutely there for your sense of humor and he's very good at watching your depression and arranging something to cheer you up.

More Below the Cut!

The plot of the first 20 chapters is what really gets you close to these two. (Spoilers for that follow and in the last three bullet points) Beel opens up more and more to you, and just absolutely falls for you. Belphie gives us that sweet, sweet enemies to lovers trope. He becomes curious about you, especially with how smitten Beel is, and ends up falling along the way.

THIS is the cuddliest group to ever cuddle oh my goodness when you want snuggles you will have them

They adore just relaxing with you. The three of you become a pile on the couch while watching movies or other videos.

Beel will watch you scroll through tumblr while he engulfs you with his arms. Belphie somehow worms his way into yours and alternates between sleeping against your chest and watching your screen as well. You hear an occasional snort of laughter from him.

Beel is very emotionally intelligent, so he can quickly determine your mood and what he can do to help.

Belphie encourages you to break out of your shell and be yourself. He's very blunt about his opinion of other people lol

He finds himself staying awake longer with you just so he can hear you. He thinks you're hilarious, honestly, and loves talking with you.

When you throw yourself at Beel he catches you. He big and strong and loves affection from you. but also this happens https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NIhl1cW9Me8

Belphie thinks its the funniest shit he can't breathe

If you do it to Belphie honestly he just stands there - either to let you fall or cling to him like a koala. He looks so Done but I promise he loves it. He laughs at you either way. He saves hugs and cuddling for when laying in bed or sitting. Too tired to hold you.

They both understand needing space, and will often just go off and do their own thing. They have complete faith in your feelings for each other, and will never doubt that you love them.

At least not for needing alone time - Belphie has lingering guilt over plot but he tries to make up for it by protecting you.

The others in the house can't help but be reminded of the trio they were with Lilith as angels.

While it still hurts to remember, Beel and Belphie feel almost as if they've come home around you. A part of them that was lost is found again. 

Snippet!

Cleaning day is nobody's favorite, but least of all Belphie's. Too much work. Just don't take ou your stuff and then you don't have to clean it later, right? The problem to him seems to be all the time people spend awake and he shouldn't have to deal with it!

But cleaning day is a little better with Beel and Karo. With their laughs and energy. Usually seeing other people so active drained him, but not with those two. He watched as Karo danced around the room to the music she had put on, while she and Beel tidied up. It was frankly adorable, and best of all: Belphie wasn't expected to join.

He was happy to watch. He watched as Karo spun into Beel's side, surprising him and causing him to stumble before he laughed and swept her up into a spin together. He watched as Beel picked Karo up with ease to put something on the top shelves of the room. He watched Karo find pillows in all the nooks and crannies of the room, and he huffed and whined when she threw each one at him on the bed.

Belphie was on snack duty. In exchange for the two helping him with cleaning day, he was expected to provide the rewards. This was not a small feat when Beel was involved, but it was far better than cleaning.

"Hah! The closet is done!" Karo declared, brandishing her feather duster. "Snack us, Belphie!"

He couldn't help but chuckle. It was an awful phrase. Silly and stupid, but Karo's enthusiasm was just so contagious. 

"Good job. C'mere," he told them, reaching to his hoard of treats.

Karo practically jumped onto the bed, grinning at him, while Beel was close behind looking very expectant. Belphie hid the curling smile of his lips by lifting up a large bag. "The closet is the biggest monster of them all - so for defeating it, you two get this."

Karo gasped and Beel's eyes gleamed. "Oh, those are my favorite..." he said, already reaching out.

"Ah-ah," Belphie pulled the bag back, to be met with a pout from Beel. "You'll eat them too fast for Karo to get any, so we're gonna do something different."

"Different?" Karo asked. 

Belphie smirked and opened the bag, which led to a very audible tummy rumble from Beel. He and Karo couldn't help but laugh. He pulled out a snack - just one - and held it up. "Karo, say 'aaah'." 

She beamed at him and opened her mouth. "Aaah!" Belphie tried really hard to keep his blush down as he dropped the snack in her mouth. She was so darn cute about everything. 

"Now you give one to Beel."

"Just one?" 

"Just one," Belphie agreed, smirking at the pout.

It didn't last long though, as Karo held up the snack and said "aaah" to Beel. He eagerly opened his mouth for the treat, but shocked himself by blushing heavily once she leaned over to feed him. Karo didn't comment, but seemd to be rather proud of the fact.

Belphie fed her another, and she followed up with Beel - but Beel took her hand after stealing the snack from her fingertips. He couldn't help but kiss the palm of her hand. "You're... so cute," he mumbled. "I like this."

"I thought you would," Belphie said, pleased with himself. "Karo?" he held up another. 

She went for the treat, but instead he pulled it away, holding it above his head. "Beel gave you a kiss, don't I get one too?"

Karo paused and blinked before laughing and leaning in. "You're adding new rules," she told him. 

"Never said I couldn't," he answered, giving her a light peck on the lips before presenting her with the treat. The look of satisfaction in her eyes made his heart pound, and he could tell that Beel's was just as busy.

"My turn," Beel said quickly. Whether he meant for a snack or for a kiss... well. We shall see.

[fierceawakening]

1/? erinc1978/assholeanon again -- will try to respond to your questions as best I can. As a general point, I think I understand better now where you were coming from in terms of how you approached writing various parts of Steel and Promise, and I'm sorry for having been such a douche about it.

It’s Book Anon again. Cut for length, discussions of consent, some nonexplicit sexual content, and spoilers.

Re: 6/ – I think there were a few things that had me thinking Teran was saying that everything kind she’d done was purposeful manipulation. Some of this may well be incorrectly remembered through anxiety haze, but IIRC part of it was her general attitude during the conversation, that struck me as generally sort of triumphant and preening – along the lines of “ha, I got you to fall for me, aren’t I clever.” (cont’d)

Re:6/ contd - I think another was Cailyn saying something to the effect of “so what about the ‘you’re a jewel among stones’ business”, and Teran IIRC didn’t deny that was part of the manipulation. So I took it as being broader than the s/m. As we learn that Teran was trading torture to own Cailyn, that confirmed it for me emotionally – that she couldn’t have been sincere in her regret over upsetting Cailyn by merely wrecking her clothes if she had no qualms about buying her outright.

As a general note, I’m really sorry that my deactivating killed your archives of my asks. It didn’t occur to me that would happen. Should’ve sent everything as a message in the first place and then I wouldn’t have spammed your ask box. I didn’t remember there was another option until Tumblr cut me off and said, “Whoa, you need to wait an hour until you send any more asks.”

On the personal note - “safe” was a terrible choice of words for a complicated internal state that I was wrong to externalize, and I feel really bad for causing you more pain over this. I absolutely do NOT mean to suggest you are an Unsafe Person in any kind of general sense, and I give you my word that I will not say or imply to anyone, online or off, that you are not a safe person to be around.

As one last note - I understand why you feel jerked around, and I wish I could take back my actions and that I’d just discussed the book like a normal person in the first place instead of jumping to conclusions, but I can’t do anything more at this point than apologize. Just let me know when you want to be done with this interaction so that I don’t overstep your boundary (i.e. I give you a last response and then block). I found code to block websites via my OS, and when you’re done, I’m done.

Okay, so I don’t know if this helps at all, but I’ve been avoiding mentioning personal stuff because of the whole “safe/unsafe” deal which I didn’t want to feed into, but I feel a bit like I have to wade into it to make some of this make sense.

It’s true that some things about Teran are things I’ve experienced or are based on me. One of those things is that… when I joined the BDSM community around me at the tender young age of 21, I didn’t know too much about myself or where I fit in that bunch of overlapping letters. But I knew I was interested, specifically, in SM–I’d spent most of my young life fantasizing about people who liked pain, but I didn’t think they really existed, or thought they had some kind of Freudian complex that meant even if I knew what I was doing I’d harm them emotionally by enticing them into indulging in something that was bad for them. When I was a youngin you really couldn’t find much that positively portrayed people with pain fetishes.

But the thing was, when I got into the community? Intense masochists aren’t crazy or unhealthy and dating them doesn’t make you evil. BUT they’re rare. Most people are interested in sensation play but not really in intense SM stuff–and even more common than that is an interest in (usually mild/bedroom-only) D/s.

So finding partners, or at least finding partners that are actually complementary to me on that score? Is hard! They’re out there–there’s at least one in every community I’ve been in–but they’re relatively rare. 

In part because they’re rare, in my experience a lot of them were older, and actually a lot of them were in relationships. Of the “masochism was completely unacceptable when I married my wife, but I couldn’t stand it any more so I asked her to beat me, she said YIKES NOOOOO but eventually agreed I could go to play parties if I don’t actually side date anyone and hide the marks” sort.  (This is one reason I disagree with antis about age gaps. One of the first people I ever beat? Three times my age. Did he harm me? Well, I did end up hurting my shoulder by not realizing I was new to this and should have slowed down… SHIT SHIT SHIT THE ANTIS WERE RIGHT ALL ALONG!)

It’s kinda lonely, and is part of the reason I haven’t dated anyone since my last partner. They’re hard to find! At least if you actually want, you know, a relationship.

So that was the thing. Teran found one, he was actually single and interested, but he got sick and died. And she went back to the dark channels to look for another one, and couldn’t really find one, because as assholey as the nobles are, the dark channels are much more like… what most people were and what I wasn’t really looking for.

So Teran knows that almost anyone is gonna disappoint her, and either she can 1) keep having random dates with people hoping she chances on someone who is orientationally masochistic and be vaguely frustrated until she does or 2) try to see if she can train someone to become what she wants. (Especially someone who IS inherently submissive and wants to serve, which Cailyn is.)

So she does 2). Without making it clear what she’s doing, because she’s kind of a jerk. And because “oh, I’d like to alter your sexuality, you good with that?” is a big ask.

Doesn’t make it okay that she did that and wasn’t honest about it, and I’m not saying it is. Pushing someone’s soft limits can be okay–that’s why they’re soft limits–but not realizing someone might be just a little upset upon finding out that’s pretty much why they picked you? UH. TERAN NO.

From Teran’s perspective (which, again, TERAN NO) she expected Cailyn to figure it out. She never came out and said “this is an experiment,” but she talked often about how Cailyn’s experiences of pain and desires were shifting. So she thought Cailyn would figure it out, and assumed (again, TERAN NO) that Cailyn coming back over and over meant Cailyn was fundamentally okay with it. She knew she was being manipulative, but she didn’t realize how awful she was being. Which is why she was surprised when Cailyn was like “HOLY SHIT AM I AN EXPERIMENT?” as if this was 1) news and 2) bad news.

The other thing Teran does that is unquestionably horrible is the bargaining to own Cailyn. Whether it’s clear from the text or not (and I can’t really go back and reread in depth now to find out if I was too ambiguous about this), what I meant to say was that Teran wants Cailyn to freely consent to stay with her, and asks for it. When Cailyn says no, she initially respects it, but then the Councils (at the behest, of course, of Ben, who is the actual skin-crawlingly terrible person who gives no fucks whatever about consent so of course he would dream this crap up) basically say “you know if you do this for us you won’t have to worry about that cute girl running away from you *wink*” and… Teran goes for it, even though part of her knows she shouldn’t.

So again… I’m not trying to say I meant for what Teran did to be Okay Because She’s Lonely. It’s not okay. But I didn’t mean that she was a completely uncaring person. I meant that she was a very damaged person who gets what she wants through manipulation because why not when almost everyone despises you anyway, someone “liking” you means they want to rape you and force you to carry their kid, and the one guy who actually loved you was perfectly fine with heavy D/s… and died horribly anyway?

I appreciate you saying that you didn’t mean “safe” the way I took it. I just… if you actually think I am okay with real world dubious consent and was saying it’s fine, then… I actually deserve to have people warned about me. And the thing about it is… if you actually are a person who is abusive, or manipulative, or real-world wobbly on consent, you’re the last person to know it. Abusive and manipulative people make excuses for themselves to themselves, which is why it’s so hard for them to change.

So while my gut reaction to your comments is “I didn’t say that! I don’t endorse that! The thing I wrote isn’t that!” there’s part of me that feels that I can’t argue… because I’d always say/think that I’m safe even if I’m not. Which puts me in the awkward position of “That sounds wrong, and also insulting and hurtful! But that’s exactly what I would think if it was 100% correct!”

Which is where the scrupulosity spirals come from.

So the only thing I can really say and do is… again, give you as much of a platform as I can given the energy I have at any given time, and make sure people who aren’t me see it, and have the opportunity to decide for themselves whether I am accurately assessing myself as “someone who attempts to be positive and safe for friends and lovers” or not.