#so i wrote this scene twice. once from each girl's perspective. to try to get the old one's voice back in my head and also make them--

[redhandedsuggestions]

it's been a long time since i posted any kind of story excerpt here, so have one for Mestas's merc AU.

------

Sniping isn't her specialty. Not even close. When she's out in the field she prefers to be in close quarters, blades and limbs flying in that intricate dance between two people who know their survival depends on getting the upper hand. The adrenaline rush of it, sweat trickling down her back as she dodges and drives her blade home, chest heaving as her opponent crumples and she stands triumphant-- that's what she's here for, this is what she craves, and laying prone at the top of some hill or building with her eye to a scope just doesn't scratch that itch.

More importantly, it's boring.

But wouldn't luck have it that not being up on some sniper's perch is leaving her open to the bastard taking shots at her right now. He's been messing with her since she got here and for the time being she has no way to get him back for it. Snipers have the advantage at a distance but are usually piss-poor at CQC. Unfortunately, being good at it ain't doing her any favors right now.

So she makes a mental note to gut the cheeky little bastard when she's done clearing this place out. She'll be plenty hungry by then and will welcome the fresh blood.

When a bullet whizzes past her ear and digs out a chunk of the concrete behind her she bares her fangs in agitation. Yeah. Definitely gonna eat him.

It's not that she doesn't like the challenge-- she does, when there's actually a challenge to be had. But since she set foot on this property this guy's taken six shots at her. Any sniper worth their salt wouldn't miss that many times, especially since two of 'em were when she was out in the open. And they especially wouldn't take out two of their own guys in the process. So either her target hired someone completely incompetent to keep their watch-- which she won't rule out just yet-- or this is another merc. And he's deliberately fucking with her.

She doesn't like being toyed with. She's the one who plays the mind games, keeps people guessing, gets them riled up for her own amusement when she's bored. She's not supposed to be on the receiving end of this bullshit.

When this is all over she's gonna make this fucker regret it.

That rage fuels her fighting and she makes short work of the remaining perimeter guards. Then she looks around. All the shots have come from the same direction, and none came when she was behind the complex itself. So the annoying bastard hasn't been moving around to follow her.

Staring off into the hills around the base, she bares her fangs in a feral grin and flips off one in particular.

There's no response. She doesn't expect one.

She heads inside anyway.

The contract was pretty clear: no one gets out alive. Not in a "leave no witnesses" kind of way, but a full-on slaughter. That's fine. She can do that even if she would have preferred something a little quieter. More delicate, maybe. Those are the more challenging hunts and that makes them more fun than indiscriminate killing.

Doesn't matter. Without the fucker with the rifle bothering her she makes short work of the interior guards, a handful of scientists, and the CEO that signs their checks. That last one is fun. It takes a lot more strength to snap a neck than movies would have you believe, but it's not too much effort for a vampire. It's less of a cracking sound, too. More of a crunch, bones grinding on each other in ways they're not meant to.

Well, that wraps that up. She'll do one last sweep of the halls and rooms to make sure, maybe poke around for any unlikely hiding spots, but if anyone in the building was still alive she would have sensed them by now. It's a rare person who can shield their mind from a telepath-- rarer still the one who can mask their life force from a psyvamp. The physical check is just a formality.

And then she can deal with that pesky little sniper.

---

As luck would have it, he's gone. Not brave enough to deal with her face to face, she'd guess. Damn. She hates the ones who don't have the guts to deal with the consequences of their actions. Worse than that, now she has to go hungry because the little fucker had the sense to clear out before she hauled her ass up to this perch. She likes her meals hot from the vein, not cooling in a body whose heart can't even pump blood anymore in the first place.

Frustrated more than before, she looks around, wrinkling her nose at the smell of exposed brain matter. Whoever was supposed to be manning this perch never had the chance to get a warning out before the annoying bastard put a bullet in her skull. He's professional in that at least.

Another glance at the body and she frowns, moving closer. In the hand, something white. Paper, it looks like. Folded, not crumpled, and the longer she stares at it the more it looks like it was placed there after the poor bitch got a one-way ticket to the next world.

No reason not to take it. It's not like the dead girl will be able to stop her. She certainly couldn't stop her killer from leaving it.

Taking off her left glove, she unfolds the paper. It's only a scrap, torn from the corner of a journal or something. But scrawled across it are three words.

You're getting slow.

It's messy, and maybe even illegible to most people, but she knows that handwriting. This isn't the first time he's left her a note like this. The last time was in that hotel room when he left her handcuffed to the bed and skipped town before she could do the same to him.

She grins, the tips of her fangs poking out over her lower lip. So that's how he wants to play.

So be it, boyo. She's always in the mood for a hunt, and once she catches him, she'll pay him back for playing with her.

Whether she sucks his blood or something else depends on whether or not he decides to play nice when she catches him.

[galacticidiots]

Rian Johnson is a gift to us all (a compilation)

or: some quotes to cleanse the palate after all the bs we’ve been getting

“To me, these movies are always, to some extent, about the transition from childhood into adulthood. When I hear [George] Lucas quoted as saying, “These movies are for kids,” it doesn’t mean they’re for little kids who laugh and point at creatures farting. It means that they’re about kids who are on the cusp of adolescence and about to transition through those stormy waters into being an adult and finding their place in this world. The hero’s journey, the myth that Joseph Campbell writes about, that Lucas famously pulled from, it’s not about becoming a hero. It’s not about becoming Hercules. The hero’s journey is really about adolescence. It’s about becoming an adult.” (starwars.com)

(On taking over the story) “My goal was really just to make something that felt like a straight line going forward from VII that made sense to me. Rather than come up with some crazy take on what it would be and then figure out how I get there, I was really just trying to continue the line forward in a way that made sense.“ (starwars.com)

“I think Rey and Kylo are almost like a dual protagonist. You identify with Rey, but also you identify with Kylo in a way that you never did with Vader. I know I do. Because if these movies are about adolescence, Kylo is that anger of adolescence and that rejection of the parents, and wanting to screw over your dad; and that’s something that all of us, to some degree, can identify with. And the idea of there being a bad guy who you identify with as much as you do the protagonist in some way, that’s really interesting.” (comicbook)

“That’s why Rey is so angry with him just saying, ‘Screw you’ basically in the first few Force connections, because my assumption is that’s how we’re gonna feel about him coming into this movie. How to transition him slowly from there to here in a way that was plausible through Rey’s eyes. The notion that Rey sees this opportunity in him. Maybe she sees something more than that in him to earn this connection, I guess. That was something we spent a lot of time – Adam, and Daisy, and I kinda talking through how we were gonna get there.” (TLJ commentary)

“So these Force connections… when I was writing the script, I knew that I needed Kylo and Rey – wanted to form, to delve more into that relationship. [...] I just wanted to make them talk. So I thought of the idea of this, ‘Okay, what if a new kind of connection happens between them?’ And we had to figure out how it would look like… I kept thinking, I want it to just be intimate. I don’t want any kind of swirling, magical kind of thing. I don’t want it to be about the effect of how they’re looking at each other. I wanted it to be painfully intimate, just like you’re sitting across from someone and talking.” (TLJ commentary)

“For me, there is some kind of primal connection between Rey and Kylo. The fact that even though they’re on opposite poles, and he’s kind of a hateful character and she’s an incredibly good character, the fact that they’re both the only ones who have this power in the movie. And they’re kind of on these two opposite islands, there’s some connection between them. Beyond that though, I needed her to have an actual, buyable justification for why she would go and think that she can turn him, and lay out for Luke that, ‘If I do that, this could actually win the day.’ So that felt very, very important to me.” (TLJ commentary)

“[What do you think is special about Rey and Kylo’s relationship?] Well, to me, it was one of the most fascinating relationships in The Force Awakens. That’s why I was just immediately drawn to figure out how to get these two talking to each other. I want to connect these two. I think it’s so fascinating because in a way, they’re simultaneously opposites, in terms of he’s Dark Side, she’s Light Side. He’s got the worst intention, she has the best. At the same time, they’re the same. At the same time, they’re alone in the same way that they both have this power, that is incredibly powerful inside them, that gives them all this potential. And they’re both kinda figuring out what they’re gonna do with it.” (SXSW Q&A)

“I disagreed with John Williams twice regarding the score. For example, there's a scene where Kylo Ren and Rey touch hands, before they are interrupted by Luke Skywalker. When John wrote the score, he was very protective of Rey's character, exactly as is Luke. Kylo’s presence was menacing, musically speaking. It's a valid point of view, but I didn't think of the scene like that. I wanted it to stay on Rey's POV: I wanted that we could believe in this romance.” (SFRPresse)

“To me that’s one of my favourite shots in the movie. Just those two fingers touching. It’s the closest thing we’ll get to a sex scene in a Star Wars movie.” (SXSW Q&A)

(On the Throne Room Proposal) “From his point of view, it’s a very naked, open, emotional appeal. It’s his version of ‘I’m just a girl standing in front of a guy asking [him to love her].’ It’s Kylo’s sick, evil version of that but from his perspective, the same way that when he tells his version of the story with Luke, I don’t think he’s lying. That’s his experience of that moment, and I think he’s telling it honestly.” (Empire)

“I think that this is something that he genuinely saw, and genuinely believes that because of this connection [they share], basically. It’s less like, ‘I can use this on her.’ It’s more, ‘Oh my god, we have this in common, this is more of a kindred spirit that even she realizes.’ I don’t think he’s playing chess here.” (Buzzfeed)

“Kylo appears to believe that Rey was discarded by her parents, much like he feels his parents, Han and Leia, discarded him.” (Buzzfeednews)

(On Rey Nobody) “I like the idea that we’re breaking out from the notion that the force is this genetic thing that you have to be tied to somebody to have.” (Empire)

"It's a lot more interesting to me, the idea that anyone can pick up the flag and start running forward with it at the head of the army, as opposed to, no, you have to be of this lineage, you have to be the Chosen One. I don't want to step on any mythology. I don't mean that you can decide to be the Chosen One from the Force, because obviously you can't. I just mean in life, anyone can pick up the flag and be a hero.” (Buzzfeed)

“The original trilogy and the prequel trilogy being the story of the Skywalkers made sense. I think now if we want to keep telling stories in this world, and I do, it has to move beyond that." (Buzzfeed)

“When people ask me, ‘Don’t you think people are going to get sick of Star Wars movies?’ to me that question indicates that they’re thinking of Star Wars movies as a museum exhibit that is wheeled out once a year so you can say, ‘Oh, I loved that thing. Oh, I remember that thing!’ And yes, if Star Wars is that, people are going to get sick of it really quickly.

“But if Star Wars are great new movies that are exciting and fresh, and that challenge you and surprise you and make you feel things and engage you the way that those original movies did—but always taking you to new places, both in the galaxy and emotionally—that’s never going to get old. That’s what it’s all about.” (SXSW)

[crimsonbluemoon]

Sorry my moodboard request is kinda late! Could i ask for a deleted scene with squirrel and ohm interacting? I hope thats specific enough ajskak

Is it possible? Crim got TWO drabbles out in one day? Is this real life? Yes, yes it is. ^.^ 

Uh so I kinda wrote this starting with Ohm and Squirrel, then tossed in Cartoonz, and made it bro-moments and romantic moments so I hope you dont mind.

Please, enjoy! 

“Do it again.” Ohm didn’t let his face show any sympathy when he set himself back onto the ground, wings easing back to rest while waiting for his opponent to rise from the training floor. Being younger did not aid the angel in front of him, Ohm waiting patiently for Squirrel to groan and push himself back to his feet. 

“Why do I have to do this again? I’m just a messenger angel!” The fire of the newest addition to their motley crew was evident even when he scowled, showing his dislike of the current predicament with a dramatic roll of his shoulder. Ohm had hardly put any energy into his attacks, meaning that his fellow angel was just trying to play up his protest. Silently, Ryan promised not to let the malleable youngster hang out with Smiity or Mini any longer unsupervised. 

“If you plan to continue hanging around strong beings like the Phoenix and Test Your Luck, then you need to be ready for creatures who don’t look at our kind in a positive light. They’ll challenge you, may even try to kill you outside of the bar to make a point. It would be safer for you to not continue staying around here as much as you have.” 

“But Nogla’s gonna be coming back from Louisiana tomorrow and he promised me one of those weird fried animals on a stick that humans love.” The excitement on Squirrel's face made Ohm’s frown deepen, taking a step closer while letting his voice lower.

“Has the Council spoken about your closeness to humans yet?” A flicker of fear was barely there, but Ohm honed in on it far faster than his ally could shrug it away. “Squirrel.” 

“Probably said something about it last time, but it wasn’t even the Council. Just one of their lapdogs.” Since the battle with Grigori, Squirrel had taken a new perspective on the rule of the angels, which Ohm hated to admit was contributed to by Cartoonz and the others. While he still did his job, and never slacked off in any of his duties, he had found a weird connection with their group that Sat- that other angels never had. Squirrel seemed to enjoy their company, and despite finding humans far inferior, never held that against them. It was a reckless way to think for an angel as young and easily swayed as Squirrel, and Ohm knew the angels would not tolerate the youthful rebellion for long. 

“You need to be careful,” Ohm cautioned, trying not to overstep his role in the younger angel’s life. 

“Funny, I don't remember adopting another weak scrapper.” But Luke, who dropped an arm around Squirrel’s shoulders and dragged him in for a playful ruffle of his hair, didn’t seem to care about rules and lines not being crossed. “What kind of danger are we pulling this guy out of this time?” 

“Aw, not my hair,” Squirrel groused quietly, though didn’t pull back from the arm holding him. Ohm watched the scene unfold quietly, unsure if it was anxiety or something softer making his feathers flutter when Caroonz grinned down at Squirrel.

“Out with it, cupid. Who’s bullying you on the playground now? Those earth elves tripping you in the bar again? The shifters impersonating you? John telling people you wear girl underwear to bed?” The flush on Squirrel’s face proved that he remembered each of the memories vividly, with the last one having… strange results in the bar. Panda nearly set two people on fire by the end of it, though somehow neither had been John. Each time, however, it was either Luke or Ryan that had come to Squirrel’s rescue, though Ohm refused to look into why that was. 

“Just the other angels ribbing me about… uh-” The guilt in Squirrel’s eyes turned to Ohm for a moment before his back stiffened, which both Cartoonz and Ohm picked up on. 

“About what, kid?” But the tease was gone in Luke’s voice, and Squirrel seemed to know he wasn’t getting out of the bear trap he walked into.

“They’re just saying I’m going to be the next Ohmwrecker.” To his credit, Squirrel tried not to say the name like a slur, or something to be ashamed of. But Ohm knew the truth about how the angels saw him; he was a disgrace to their kind, falling for a demon and letting himself become tainted. It didn’t matter that he’d helped save the world and kept all of them alive. Once the danger of Grigori was gone, their judgment and distaste in him returned. There was no salvation for his title, and he knew that. 

But Squirrel was different.

“You need to listen to them.” He knew how intimidating his voice could become when he spoke with his shoulders set and eyes focused, even behind the red cloth. Ignoring the scowl that Cartoonz sent toward him, he poured his attention into Squirrel and continued. “This isn’t up for debate; if the angels are speaking of you that way, there’s only a matter of time before they begin to question your loyalty. You are putting yourself in a position to become compromised by the humans and if your soul becomes blackened or even shaded with their sins-”

“I don’t want to be like them.” The bold claim caught Ohm off guard, Squirrel showing his own form of fortitude when glancing to Luke and giving half a grin. “You two are the bad guys up there, but to me? You’re… kind of my heroes. So if they say I’m like you, I don’t really mind. It’s better than being warped into what the Council tries to make us all be.”

“They’ll kill you if they hear you say that.” Like a band-aid not ready to be ripped off, Ohm’s stomach clenched in pain when Satt’s memory seeped into his head, remembering the consequences of his independent actions. Siding with Grigori was heinous, but the Council’s ability to judge right and wrong when it came to angels always felt harsher than necessary. 

“That’s probably true. But at least I’ll be going out happy with myself.” It was sombering to hear Squirrel’s ease at accepting his likely fate, seeming to know his place in the angel’s pecking order far more than angels twice his age. Still, his smile was bright, hiding the hint of tears and fear edging his eyes. “What a human thing to say, right? ”  

“Fuck, why are you angels so dramatic?” Luke’s voice was quick to break the moment, his clawed hand dropping on Squirrel’s head again in order to catch both of their attention. His eye only glanced to Ohm for a moment before turning back to Squirrel, serious yet soft in its stare. “If you think I’m going to let the Council of aging up there kill you because you’re turning out to be a little too Ohm-ish for their liking, you can stop that stupid ass thought right now. I happen to like Ohm, if you haven’t noticed, so having more angels like him isn’t a bad thing.”

“Cartoonz,” Ohm spoke softly, but didn’t have much else to say in protest. 

“So you keep being you, and let me handle those holier-than-thou chickens up there. If they wanna kill you, I’ll make sure they know they’ve gotta take me out first. You got that?” 

“Got it,” Squirrel answered instantly, wings perking up at the wide grin Cartoonz gave before patting his head. It was a softer moment that, a year ago, Ohm would have never been able to predict. Cartoonz was not the demon hellbent on destroying the angel society as he’d been presented for years to Ryan, but the kind Luke he’d fallen for despite his demonic blood. And in moments like these, it was obvious how easily he had fallen from grace to be with Cartoonz.

“Ohm?” Blinking once, he looked up to catch Luke’s arched eyebrow. “You okay?” 

“I’m okay.” He answered, surprised with how easily the words came out.

Because for the first time in a decade, he actually meant them. 

[letterboxd]

Life in Film: Levan Akin

“Someone told me, ‘You are one person when you make the film, another when it’s over’. And that’s really the case with this film, it’s changed me fundamentally.” —The writer and director of And Then We Danced talks to our London correspondent Ella Kemp about masculinity, queer love stories, Georgian cinema and the ever-quotable joys of Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion.

Love stories come and go, but few have the golden warmth of Levan Akin’s dance-romance, And Then We Danced, which has captivated Letterboxd members enough to garner an impressive 4.0 rating out of 5. The film follows Merab (Levan Gelbakhiani), a dancer who has grown up training at the National Georgian Ensemble, and is moved to examine the structures and traditions he exists within when the charismatic Irakli (Bachi Valishvili) arrives at the company.

Akin was born and raised in Sweden, the son of a Georgian family who emigrated in the 1960s. Following the attacks at the 2013 Pride parade in the Georgian capital of Tbilisi, the solidarity among the country’s gay and queer communities became more urgent. Akin was moved to turn away from the big-budget Swedish TV productions he has made a name directing, in order to connect back to his roots for this project. But And Then We Danced isn’t solely a political commentary—it moves and feels freely.

Akin’s film gives audiences a long-overdue education on traditions far outside Hollywood: we see the rigid rules of Georgian dance, the way a body is taught to bend and extend and survive, and how spontaneous feelings have no place in that education.

If the film, told from such a unique perspective, also feels somehow familiar, it’s because Akin, who wrote, directed and co-edited, is a magnanimous cinephile. He’s been watching and understanding love stories since he can remember, and speaks of them with immense enthusiasm. There are years of wisdom and observation in the details of And Then We Danced. Every time I admit to him I haven’t seen a film he mentions, he looks sincerely happy for me that my world is yet to experience it.

Answering our Life in Film questionnaire, Akin shares memories of ABBA as a national treasure, the first film that blew him away in cinemas as a child, and why Tarkovsky could have done with being a little more queer.

This is quite a departure from the scale of your television projects. What drew you back to Georgia and those difficult circumstances? Levan Akin: I come from a background of making bigger projects, and this wasn’t obviously what a person like me should be doing next. I did a lot of Swedish TV, but I had grown tired of working the way I did. I started working for [Swedish film and commercial director] Roy Andersson when I was 22 and then I went into TV—I never went to film school. I applied twice and I didn’t get in! I was brought up in the SVT [Swedish public broadcasting service] way of making TV series. You have a script, you break it down, sometimes you write it yourself, sometimes you don’t, you do the shot list, you work with the actors, you block the scene and you move on and that’s all fine and good.

But after my previous film I was very tired. I was 36 then, and had sort of forgotten why I was making films. I had seen this Pride parade, the one where they were attacked in Georgia in 2013, and I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So I went to Georgia and did some research with my own little camera, and it very organically developed into this film. I never sat down and thought I’d write a story about this dancer. I used what happened around me, and I found a lot of real people. We often weren’t allowed to film in places a lot of the time—we made up stories about what we were doing. We had to have bodyguards, we’d lose locations on a day’s notice. It was insane, so I couldn’t plan out the movie like I would normally.

I wanted to make a very classical story, a very universal story and have the motor be [Merab’s] first love for Irakli and that setting him free. And then I filled it with things that happened while I was working. I’ve never worked like that, but I think it’s the best film I’ve made, and it’s really been a rejuvenation of my creative energy. Someone told me, “You are one person when you make the film, another when it’s over”. And that’s really the case with this film, it’s changed me fundamentally.

One character in And Then We Danced says, “Georgian dance is based on masculinity”. What are the defining traits of masculinity in Georgia? The definition of masculinity is so different in different cultures. In Sweden, where I live, if two men just hug too much or walk arm in arm, it’s considered super un-masculine. It’s like the whole thing about how young boys fight each other because that’s the only way they can be close in Western society. Whereas in Georgia, you can sit in someone’s lap and it’s not considered gay or un-masculine. Over there, traits like being very poetic, being a dancer, being a good singer, things that might be feminine in our culture are considered very masculine.

I thought that was interesting for the film because the regular story might have been, “I want to be a dancer but my family doesn’t want me to because it’s considered to be a feminine job”. Whereas here it’s the opposite, it’s, “I am a dancer, and I can’t be gay”.

Why was it important to use dance as a narrative vehicle to show these changing identities? What they say in the film is that Georgian dance has evolved. It’s based on old folk dances from different regions of the Caucasus, other Caucasian countries too, as well as Georgia. The dances from Batumi have a lot of oriental influences, originally even more than now. And the Kintouri dance was originally created by a queer group of people who lived in Georgia 100 years ago, and they were people working in service jobs.

Men wouldn’t take those jobs because it was considered unmanly, so the ones who worked in those jobs were gay guys or queer, some were even trans. They developed this dance and it’s sort of like a Paris Is Burning. Everybody knew they were gay. That’s what the teacher says in the film, when he says “they were softer but we made them harder”, because then these dances were appropriated by three big ensembles, and they did alterations to them.

Levan Gelbakhiani in ‘And Then We Danced’.

How did that influence the message you ultimately wanted to share? The film is about finding your own place in a traditional society, and not letting anyone tell you what your traditions ought to be, or how you ought to define yourself, to be accepted as a Georgian. That discourse is all around us now. I’m really frankly tired of people telling me that, for instance, I’m not really Swedish because my parents came from Georgia, and I have a Muslim background. Also, Georgia is 90 percent predominantly Christian Orthodox now, so a lot of Georgians think you can’t be Georgian if you’re not a Christian.

There are two major contemporary music cues in the film—ABBA’s ‘Take A Chance on Me’ and Robyn’s ‘Honey’. How did those two come to be? During the Soviet Union, there was an ABBA concert on TV and I think that was one of the only one Western pop concerts that was broadcast in Soviet. I think it had to do with Sweden being social democratic, and we had sort of a good relationship with the Soviet Union so they thought, “Ok, we can show this, at least it’s not American”. It would be on every New Year’s Eve and it would be like a tradition.

So when the Soviet Union fell, ABBA had a new market with new people who also loved ABBA. So ABBA is actually very popular in Georgia! Of course ABBA is super-expensive to [license], and we had literally no money when we made this film—it was a very hard shoot. But one of the producers of the film is the son of Benny Andersson of ABBA… I figured if he likes the film, for them it’s not a big risk. I thought, I’ll try it in the rough cut and either he’ll like it and say yes or he won’t—but he loved the movie, he was crying afterwards.

Levan Akin.

I’d also taken a risk with Robyn because that album had just come out, and we all love Robyn. We just hoped she’d like it and accept it, because we couldn’t pay her very much. Thankfully she did, and also we actually got help from Jen Malone. She’s a music supervisor and she’s so talented, and she’s the one who does the music supervision for [bands including] Euphoria, Creed and so on, so once she also got in touch she made it work for us. I’m eternally grateful to Jen.

[The following answers contain spoilers for several of the movies mentioned by Akin.]

And Then We Danced has many beautiful dance sequences. Which specific dance scenes, or dance movies broadly, inspire you? I love The Umbrellas of Cherbourg as a whole, and it has dancing in it, so that’s an easy one. In Dirty Dancing, I love the last dance, I can watch it over and over. It’s an amazing scene in every way. I also love the scene in Ex Machina where [Oscar Isaac] is dancing. It’s so nice, and so sexy.

I don’t know if there was dancing in it but I really want to mention this film—I love The Diary of A Teenage Girl. Marielle Heller is a genius. And Bel Powley and Alexander Skarsgård, they’re just so good in those parts. He was incredible! That should have won all the Oscars. In my films I never have clear antagonists, even if there are characters antagonizing the main character. I love them all, there’s no clear moral compass, everyone is just trying to do their best with the circumstances. It’s the same with this film. I love that you understand and love Alexander Skarsgård, and the guilt Minnie must have been feeling. It’s just so sensitively directed, with such a precise feeling of how to not veer in any one direction. If anyone is just shaking somewhere in that film, let’s put it in this ranking!

There’s this amazing documentary made by a Swedish documentarian, Martha & Niki. It’s about two friends who are dancers, two black girls from Sweden. Their friendship is really complicated, and they’re competing in a special dance, and you just follow them as they’re touring and competing. One of the girls is from Uganda, if I remember correctly, and another one is adopted, so they also have very different social backgrounds. I saw it in cinemas and I was just sitting and crying.

Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon in Bound (1996).

What are your favorite on-screen gay love stories? Brokeback Mountain. I saw that movie in New York in 2005 and I was so shocked. I just thought, “What the fuck have I just been through”? The ending… Nowadays, I would never want to kill off a character in a gay movie, but then, it’s so vague that you don’t even know what happens to them. It breaks my heart, it still does.

I really enjoyed God’s Own Country. I thought it was really moving and touching. Josh O’Connor is a revelation, and the other guy [Alec Secareanu] is amazing too. They have great chemistry. It’s just so delicately made.

I also love the Wachowski sisters’ Bound. I remember when I saw it, oh my god. Back then, seeing that was really something. I love Jennifer Tilly, what a star!

In terms of a movie that gay communities really love: Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion. I’ve seen it literally a thousand times, I just rewind it and watch it again. It’s so amazing. When we were younger, 50 percent of the lines we would say would be lines from that film. It’s hilarious. It’s such a great story about friendship. If you haven’t seen it, congratulations, you have so much to look forward to!

And how did I almost forget My Own Private Idaho?! I saw that as a kid in the 90s, and it’s just so amazing. River Phoenix. What a movie.

Could you give the Letterboxd community a primer to some great Georgian films? I love My Happy Family, a film by Simon Groß and Nana Ekvtimishvili. They’re a directing couple. They did another film called In Bloom; about a teenage girl, it’s sort of autobiographical I can imagine, as it feels very lived. It’s about a Georgian girl in the 90s. Both films were at Sundance—My Happy Family was there three years ago and I think it won an award. [It was nominated for the Grand Jury Prize, and was Georgia’s entry for the 2013 best foreign language Academy Award]. Netflix bought it, so it’s on there now.

My Happy Family (2017).

It really shows this thing in Georgia where there is no private sphere. Families live together inter-generationally for life for many reasons—financial ones for sure. It’s the story of this woman who lives with her mother, her father, her children, everybody is in that house. She decides that one day she wants to move into her own apartment, and it’s the most shocking thing anyone has ever heard of. She says she just wants to sit alone and read books and have her own space, and everyone is so provoked by that because that can’t happen in Georgia.

There’s another Georgian film I love called Street Days, by Levan Koguashvili, which came out in 2010. It was one of the first new-generation movies in Georgia showing the reality of Georgia the way it was then. It’s the story of a man who is struggling to support his family, but he’s also a drug addict. It sounds really bleak but it’s made with such dark humor.

To go really far back to the directors working through the Soviet time, there’s The Wishing Tree by Tengiz Abuladze. So many shots from that film are so, so beautiful. It’s set in the rural parts of Georgia, and it’s about a young girl who falls in love with a boy, but they can’t be married because she has to marry an older person because it’s better for the family. And the boy she was in love with was killed by the husband. She goes insane, because she keeps thinking about it all the time; she’s talking to his ghost. This old woman in the village hears her and thinks she’s cheating on her husband, so they decide to do this ritual where they stone her. It’s so sad and so beautiful, and there’s a woman in the village who’s like the town fool but she’s the only one making sense. It’s so poetic.

Sergei Parajanov is another of my all-time favorite directors—I love The Color of Pomegranates and Ashik Kerib. He’s a great surrealist director and has inspired many directors since, such as Tarsem Singh and Mark Romanek, who did a lot of music videos in the 90s. Madonna’s video for ‘Bedtime Stories’ was really inspired by Parajanov. He worked a lot with tableaux, and it’s so queer. [Parajanov] was gay and he was imprisoned for it many times. He was very close friends with [Andrei] Tarkovsky and he attributes his artistry to being inspired by him, saying that Tarkovsky released his creativity. They were close, but they’d also fight a lot. One time Parajanov told Tarkovsky, “You can never be as amazing a director as me, because you’re not a homosexual”, which is funny!

Finally, what was the film first made you want to be a filmmaker? I love that question. It feels like I’m closing a circle because I think the movie I’m thinking of has some similarities with my movie. It’s Some Kind of Wonderful, [written] by John Hughes and directed by Howard Deutch. It’s not one of the most famous John Hughes movies but it’s one of the first ones I saw in the cinema. I think I was seven years old, I went with my older sister who was eleven at the time.

Mary Stuart Masterson and Eric Stoltz in ‘Some Kind of Wonderful’ (1987).

It’s a love triangle between Eric Stoltz, Mary Stuart Masterson and Lea Thompson. Stoltz plays this working-class kid, he lives on the wrong side of the tracks, the classic perspective that’s always in John Hughes movies. He’s in love with the popular girl in school, Amanda Jones. She is also from his part of the town but is dating the rich guys. He’s really in love with her, and his best friend is played by Masterson, she’s called Watts but her nickname is Drummer Girl, and she’s a tomboy. When I was little I thought she was a boy who was a gay character. I didn’t understand that she was a girl because I’d never seen a girl like that as a kid. It’s just a great movie, it was a love triangle before love triangles were boring. I don’t know if it consciously made me want to direct films, but it was the first film that I saw that that stuck with me.

We didn’t have a lot of movie culture in my house, my parents emigrated to Sweden in the late 60s. My father read a lot, but we didn’t come from any culture. The films I’d find were the ones you could rent in the local store. Mostly American movies. The more highbrow stuff came later when I was older and could search them out myself.

‘And Then We Danced’ premiered in Director’s Fortnight in Cannes last May, and has won several prizes at other prestigious festivals since. The film is currently showing in select cinemas on the east and west coasts of America, and opens in UK cinemas on March 13.

[lullabiesandgoodbyes]

Okay, you’d probably expect a dump of feelings regarding La Casa de Papel P4:

( here be spoilers, obviously )

It’s a fact that the writing of LCDP has never been brilliant. The heist was clever, but some scenes were far-fetched and the dialogue faltered many times. Still, I was mainly here for the characters: criminals, flawed people whose human side was revealed through the episodes, that was the reason why I got attached to the show.

I can’t help but to feel disappointed that they seemed to have lost perspective of them: the characters were turned into puppets for the sake of dRAmA!!1, became caricatures of what they used to be - this is already our 4th year with them, we know them, and please don’t call it character development when it’s so obviously just bad writing. They deserved better than this.

That being said:

- It’s not even the fact that Nairobi was killed; it’s the fact they’ve created and developed a strong female character, shot her for a cliffhanger at the end of P3, saved her at the beginning of P4, had both her body and mind tortured multiple times while still not fully recovered, and then simply put a bullet in her head by betrayal, with no honor nor glory. And for what, shock value?! Fuck you!!

- Since we’re talking about Nairobi: it’s not that she shouldn’t want to be a mother ( people claiming but she’s a feminist!! can shut the fuck up ), but she already was a mother, despite having no son for years, one that once got offended after being told that she should just have another baby to replace the one she had lost. Now, not only they gave me no closure regarding Axel and the way the Police used him to bring her down, but they also forced me to witness this marvellous woman emotionally manipulating a man that she knew to be in a committed relationship to have a baby with her and then partying with his partner ( her supposed friend ) without telling her the truth;

- The same can be pointed at Tokio, going ( again! ) after Denver, “ let’s fuck and pretend it never happened “ - they actually tried to tell us female friendships, yay!! and then have her sexually pining after her supposed friend’s husband, twice. Like, what are even women to each other if not rude bitches, right?

- Look, I don’t know what kind of wet dream these writers have about Tokio, but it’s time for them to actually acknowledge her faults, no? Nairobi would never consider her a good leader; the team would never accept her as a good leader; Tokio is simply not a good leader. Also, so much disgust at all the sexual innuendos between her and Gandía and the general idea that he only kept her alive because she turned him on...

- I was honestly laughing at the whole surgery scene; I gave it a pass when they helped Mónica with that infected wound back in P1 because..., but this was so ridiculous it was too much for me to bear. Tokio is becoming the Rachel Berry of LCDP and you have no idea how much it bothers me to write these actual words;

- She still had her moments, though. Not enough for me to love her, but I will always defend Tokio from a fandom who hates on her at the same time that idolatrizes Berlín, for fuck’s sake... -.-

- Raquel was one of the best characters this show had on P1-2. If Lisboa doesn’t grow a personality detached from El Profesor, I’ll be punching a wall, seriously, what did you reduce her to?

- But not everything was bad: Estocolmo is still MY GIRL!!!1 I’m still pissed they had to break up her marriage to give her some attention ( women are allowed to have partners and a life beyond them, in case you didn’t know ), but I generally liked her in P4 and how she’s slowly gaining her own place within the team. The whole discussion about seeing Denver in a new light was interesting ( I could write a whole essay about it ), but should have been better worded and developed, especially because this fandom is overall dumb and is already blaming it on her - but what else is new?

- I’m also only supporting this because I believe she’s dealing with her previous choices, and basically coming together after the initial Stockholm Syndrome, and will eventually get back together with Denver. If not, I’ll burn Netflix down;

- Also, being sad that Nairobi died, yes; coming after Estocolmo because she should have died instead, no, fuck you!! >:(

- Now, the major disappointment: thanks for throwing THREE years of development out of the window so Denver could chase Tokio’s ass, as if he ever felt for her half of the things he apparently did on P4, and thanks for nearly ruining my favorite character on this fuckery, starting with his rude commentaries about women ( he was in love with Mónica and still pushed her away because she wasn’t able to fully consent their relationship, but sure, let’s all agree that he sees women like cars because so funny!! Also, implying that he only ended up with Mónica because he couldn’t get Tokio, yes, that’s totally what happened, who the fuck wrote this shit...?? ) and ending on the toxic jealousy over his best friend being traumatized and finding his only comfort with his wife ( like, WTF was that even?! );

- Managing to regress Denver into someone he even wasn’t at the beginning of the show was probably worse than watching him die somewhere along the way, and, trust me, I hate to write this :’(((

- But thank you ( and this goes to Jaime Lorente, not the stupid writers ) for bringing him back on the last episodes. I guess this is what you get when writers don’t know how to properly do their jobs, but the writing has been a general mess since P3 so I’m choosing to still love him and want all good things for him. Including his wife back, because admitting his shit and trying to be better is still Denver’s redeeming quality, and I think she’s ready to accept that;

- I still think Ricardo is a better fit than Daniel :(((

- I admit that Manila was cool, but she still felt like a way for the show to gain some diversity points with a trans character that is not even played by a trans actress... Her conversation with Denver, although sweet, was vague and only complemented the initial feeling, since it could have lead him to reorganize his thoughts over male/female friendships ( as if P1-3!Denver ever needed that... ) and eventually served for nothing;

- That is, I’m choosing to believe they won’t make Denver/Manila happen on P5 because fuck them if they do...

- Also fuck everyone who’s coming after Río for being weak, and fuck whoever let the boy stay at the Bank after months of torture. The writing of his arc was just as bad as nearly everyone else’s ( perfectly able to shoot a missile in one day, incapable of holding a gun against Gandía on the other, wants everyone to kill him next... ) but his friendship with Estocolmo was worth it, loved them;

- He’s also a baby and he’s now Estocolmo and Denver’s new baby <333

- Last, but not least: I really didn’t like the way they turned Arturito into a major creep and confirmed rapist. This was a character we hated on principle, for being a headache and playing hero when he wasn’t more than an idiot, but this... What was even the point of this?

Some other random thoughts I have left:

- Helsinki: honestly, stop hurting him, please;

 - El Profesor: I can’t get myself to like his character, sorry I’m not sorry;

- Marsella: a good boy;

- Palermo: please die;

- Bogotá: not convinced, still don’t like him, can still die;

- Sierra: the best antagonist;

- Antoñanzas: the best sidekick;

- Moscú: I missed you, papa </3/3/3

- Berlín: * you’re not allowed in Heaven with the rest of them, go back to Hell, motherfucker *

- The Bank’s governor was cool, helping to save Nairobi, protecting Amanda and telling Arturito off :)))

- Hope Amanda gets her well-deserved revenge, let her cut Arturito’s dick when he’s asleep ( or awake, it doesn’t really matter );

- I missed Cincinnati and Miguel x_x

Also, the cast and crew saying P4 was a satisfying ending when it so obviously was a non-ending felt dishonest and I don’t like being played like that. Just assume you’re trying to milk the most out of it - and apparently losing grip of it all together.

So, yeah, I’ll be back for P5 because they left me hanging on, but the disappointment is real. I wish they had left it where it was supposed to end. :(((

[pinelife3]

The Silence of the Girls

Pat Barker’s newish (August 2018) book The Silence of the Girls (TSOTG) recounts the final months of the Trojan War, as told by a slave woman. The obvious companion piece to TSOTG, and the key text Barker is responding to, is The Iliad, but Barker doesn’t pull out the way Homer did:

The Iliad only covers a few weeks in the last year of the war and does not include the famous Trojan horse or the actual defeat of Troy: at a high level, The Iliad covers Agamemnon’s lady troubles, the plague, Achilles’ sulking and decision not to fight, the death of Patroclus, Achilles’ return to battle, the death of Hector, the abuse of Hector’s body and Priam’s visit to Achilles.

TSOTG covers these events (also starting in media res - more on that later) from the perspective of Briseis. Our protagonist, formerly the wife of a king, was taken during the sacking of a city neighbouring Troy and was given to Achilles as a prize - like all of the women in the Greek camp, she is a slave. Barker and Briseis continue on after the burial of Hector to include the fall of Troy (no mention of the horse though...) and the rape and destruction which followed including the fate of Astyanax, the Trojan women being handed out as prizes, and the Greeks eventually setting off to return home.

I mention the famous events from the Trojan War above, but in TSOTG most of these happen off screen (out of our protagonist’s line of sight) and are reported to us as gossip spreading around the Greek camp. The reader is stuck in the camp with the women and doesn’t see any of the excitement and action on the battlefield (except for when Briseis climbs on the Myrmidon ships to see the battlefield in the distance). The reader is also privy to a lot of ‘girl talk’ amongst the women as they discus their experiences with the Greek soldiers: who’s pregnant, who’s beloved, who’s in favour. So despite hitting the same broad plot points, we are kept away from the iconic set pieces of the war, and instead get a tour through the backrooms where women do laundry, pray, and heal the injured soldiers. 

When we studied Wide Sargasso Sea in high school, it became part of an interesting conversation on high-lit fan fiction: Jeans Rhys reveals the mysterious mad woman in Rochester’s attic, and she shows us how he drove her mad. More than a hundred years after Jane Eyre was published, Rhys, a Dominican author, chose to get into it with one of the stodgiest pieces of English literature out there. She introduced new themes of colonialism and undermined Rochester as the Byronic hero. I don’t think anyone will read Barker’s text that way - Homer’s works and the Bible are so canonical that referencing or interacting with them feels like it doesn’t count as fan fiction (has anyone ever argued that Paradise Lost was fan fic?). Because Barker is a serious author with a Booker Prize on her shelf, they call TSOTG a ‘retelling’ rather than fan fic, but what is more fan fic than recounting a famous story from another character’s perspective? 

For reference: Stephanie Meyer has done this twice to her own novels. She retold Twilight from Edward’s POV in Midnight Sun and wrote a gender flipped version of Twilight called Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined. From Wikipedia, it seems like a pretty straight-forward find and replace job: Life and Death tells the story of 16 year old Beaufort Swan who moves from Arizona to Washington to live with his dad - on his first day at school, he meets the beautiful and mysterious Edythe Cullen... 

^^ It’s fun to laugh at Twilight but remember this: Bon Iver recorded a song for the soundtrack. The New Moon soundtrack also featured Death Cab for Cutie, Thom Yorke, Grizzly Bear and a bunch of other bands with legitimate indie credibility (Pitchfork still gave it a 5.4) - why did they agree to be on this soundtrack? They must be getting approached for this kind of work all the time and New Moon’s budget was not huge - only $50 million so it’s not like they would have been offering obscene cash. Probably a mystery for another time...

Most of Barker’s works deal with war in some capacity. The only other book of hers which I’ve read is Regeneration. In that book, Barker riffs on historical figures, places, events, and literary works as she explores the impacts of WWI on returning English soldiers suffering PTSD. There are a lot of complicated ideas moving around and bumping up against each other - it’s like she’s playing a 20 string guitar or jamming out on a 40 piece drum kit or something: she’s just super masterful and it’s a good read but also interesting to look at how she achieved it technically. It’s a super satisfying book to explore and think about and probably my favourite war book (maybe tied with Slaughterhouse 5).

In TSOTG, she’s still interested in war, but now she’s looking more closely at the impacts of war on women. In a way, TSOTG seems kind of blunt and stupid in its handling of war compared to Regeneration. Barker is so focused on proving that women had it bad during the war and trying to deromanticise the Greek warriors, that she depicts all the men (except Patroclus and Achilles) as childish brutes: they’re capricious and proud, they’re rough and inconsiderate, they take offence easily, they eat messily and they drink too much. We never see them in action on the battlefield, so the one thing they’re good at is hidden from us: we don’t get to admire their magnificence but when they die, the women make fun of their shriveled cocks. Of course, we see this through Briseis’ biased eyes (fair enough given her situation), but what she reports of their behaviour is pretty bleak. No one has a rich interiority: they just fuck, shit and fight. It seems like Barker’s argument is that the men must be assholes because they rape their slaves. But we know that’s not how it works: the men raped their slave women because that was the cultural norm but beyond the raping they were average guys. In fact, the raping and slaving made them average. Not heroes, not assholes. Just 1100BC guys.* 

(*This isn’t ‘boys will be boys’ - if anything it’s historical relativism. I’m not saying it’s average because they were guys, I’m saying it’s average because it was a long time ago. Remember, Jesus was a radical thinker with all his wacky ideas about compassion and love - and he was still more than a 1000 years away. The Greeks were very advanced in some ways, but their culture relied on slavery - at a point you need to accept that that was their normal (bad by our standards, yes) and engage with them on their own terms otherwise you’ll never get anywhere in a conversation about their values.)

Barker retells this astonishing passage from The Iliad about three quarters of the way through TSOTG - just to set it up, Achilles killed Prince Hector and has been desecrating his corpse (dragging it behind his chariot) as vengeance for the death of Patroclus (Achilles’ closest friend). In ancient Greece, it was believed that you couldn’t pass on to the underworld until you’d had a proper burial. Beyond being disrespectful, the abuse of Hector’s body torments his family because it means Hector cannot pass peacefully to the afterlife. Growing desperate, Hector’s father King Priam has snuck out of Troy and come to the Greek camp to beg Achilles to return Hector’s body:

Priam found the warrior there inside ... many captains sitting some way off, but two, veteran Automedon and the fine fighter Alcimus were busy serving him. He had just finished dinner, eating, drinking, and the table still stood near. The majestic king of Troy slipped past the rest and kneeling down beside Achilles, clasped his knees and kissed his hands, those terrible, man-killing hands that had slaughtered Priam's many sons in battle. Awesome - as when the grip of madness seizes one who murders a man in his own fatherland and flees abroad to foreign shores, to a wealthy, noble host, and a sense of marvel runs through all who see him so Achilles marveled, beholding majestic Priam. His men marveled too, trading startled glances. But Priam prayed his heart out to Achilles: "Remember your own father, great godlike Achilles - as old as I am, past the threshold of deadly old age! No doubt the countrymen round about him plague him now, with no one there to defend him, beat away disaster. No one - but at least he hears you're still alive and his old heart rejoices, hopes rising, day by day, to see his beloved son come sailing home from Troy. But l - dear god, my life so cursed by fate ... I fathered hero sons in the wide realm of Troy and now not a single one is left, I tell you. Fifty sons I had when the sons of Achaea came, nineteen born to me from a single mother's womb and the rest by other women in the palace. Many, most of them violent Ares cut the knees from under. But one, one was left me, to guard my walls, my people  the one you killed the other day, defending his fatherland, my Hector! It's all for him I've come to the ships now, to win him back from you - I bring a priceless ransom. Revere the gods, Achilles! Pity me in my own right, remember your own father! I deserve more pity ... I have endured what no one on earth has ever done before - I put to my lips the hands of the man who killed my son." Those words stirred within Achilles a deep desire to grieve for his own father. Taking the old man's hand he gently moved him back. And overpowered by memory both men gave way to grief. Priam wept freely for man-killing Hector, throbbing, crouching before Achilles' feet as Achilles wept himself, now for his father, now for Patroclus once again, and their sobbing rose and fell throughout the house.

(Not sure about this translation but it’s the best I could find online)

So this scene plays out beat for beat in TSOTG, and it’s very moving and well done (well done by Homer originally - and Barker renders it well too), but Barker wants to make it about the women so in response to Priam’s famous line ‘I kiss the hands of the man who killed my son’, Briseis thinks: "And I do what countless women before me have been forced to do. I spread my legs for the man who killed my husband and my brothers.” Is she an asshole for thinking about herself in this moment? I understand what Barker is trying to do: elevate the suffering of the women to the same platform that the men have always had. But this is graceless. It’s not a competition. 

Another element I found frustrating was the suggestion in TSOTG that the Greeks regarded Achilles’ close bond with Patroclus as unusual - characters are scornful of Achilles’ relationship with Patroclus and make snickering jokes about them being gay. This is disappointing because I am sure Barker did her research and therefore she must know that ancient Greece was probably more accepting of homosexuality (at least between men) than society is today. The only whisper of controversy around their relationship was the ancient equivalent of the ‘who’s the bottom?’ question: the Greeks would have been curious about who was dominant and who was passive, but wouldn’t have raised an eyebrow at Patroclus and Achilles being together.

Frank Miller also choose to make his ancient Greeks homophobic in 300 and Alan Moore, always happy to play the expert, was quick to point out the mistake:

There was just one particular line in it where one of the Spartan soldiers—I'll remind you, this is Spartans that we're talking about—one of them was talking disparagingly about the Athenians, and said, ‘Those boy-lovers.' You know, I mean, read a book, Frank. The Spartans were famous for something other than holding the bridge at Thermopylae, they were quite famous for actually enforcing man-boy love amongst the ranks as a way of military bonding. That specific example probably says more about Frank's grasp of history than it does about his grasp of homosexuality, so I'm not impugning his moral situation there. I'm not saying it was homophobic; just wasn't very well researched.

Anyone with even a passing knowledge of ancient Greece would be familiar with their permissive attitudes toward homosexuality. Why did she choose to do this? I know she’s not homophobic because Regeneration sensitively observed the suffering of gay men, for example that minor speech impediments (lisps, stutters) manifested in men who were repressing their homosexuality. I don’t understand this choice from a woman who wrote maybe the best war book of all time.

TSOTG wraps up with a reflection on memory and the stories people want to hear:

I thought: Suppose, suppose just once, once, in all these centuries, the slippery gods keep their word and Achilles is granted eternal glory in return for his early death under the walls of Troy...? What will they make of us, the people of those unimaginably distant times? One thing I do know: they won’t want the brutal reality of conquest and slavery. They won’t want to be told about the massacres of men and boys, the enslavement of women and girls. They won’t want to know we were living in a rape camp. No, they’ll go for something altogether softer. A love story, perhaps? I just hope they manage to work out who the lovers were. His story. His, not mine. It ends at his grave... Once, not so long ago, I tried to walk out of Achilles’ story - and failed. Now, my own story can begin.

Through the sickening dramatic irony, I can pick out three points Barker is trying to make:

Achilles looms large, but Briseis is her own person and deserves her own story

This is the untold true story of what really went down during the Trojan War - the people aren’t ready for this heat but I, Pat Barker, will bring it to them regardless

This isn’t a love story, but if it were, it would be the authoritative and definitive Trojan War love story

Point 1: Briseis deserves her own story

As I mentioned earlier, TSOTG begins in media res - meaning unlike in Troy, we don’t see what the gang was doing before the fighting kicked off, the catalysts of the war, the journey from Greece, etc. The action begins mid-way through the war, mid-way through a day, mid-way through a battle as our protagonist, mid-way through her life, peers over the parapets watching the Greeks disembowel her countrymen. So TSOTG begins as Achilles enters Briseis’ life and ends just as he leaves it - it begins in media res because no one would want to hear about her boring ass life before incandescent Achilles walked into it. Briseis is most interesting when she’s talking about Achilles, watching him from afar, describing their awkward encounters, analysing his behaviour - sure, the story is from Briseis’ perspective, but she’s always looking at Achilles. Is Barker arguing that we should care about Briseis outside of Achilles? She can’t have it both ways! She can’t complain that no one cares about anything but Achilles and then tell a story centered around Achilles, make Achilles the most interesting character and - in a particularly weird move - allow him to narrate some chapters in the second half of the book. 

Point 2: This is the grittiest telling of the Trojan War that readers have ever had to grit their teeth through

The suggestion that this is ‘the untold true story of the women of Troy’ is totally bogus - exploring what the Trojan War cost women has been done. Euripides wrote the The Trojan Women in ~415BC, some 600+ years after when the Trojan War is estimated to have taken place (if it took place at all). It’s a tragedy which focuses on the Trojan women (Hecuba, Andromache and co.) as they process the death of their husbands, and learn what their fate will be (i.e. which Greek they will be gifted to). As with TSOTG, the action happens off-stage, out of the women’s line of sight and is reported to them by men as they come and go from the stage. It is a relentlessly horrible play: the centerpiece is the murder of Hector’s baby son Astyanax (Odysseus throws him from the walls of Troy) and the women’s response to this terrible news. 

It seems like Barker also takes issue with modern narratives glossing over the rape, slaughter and slavery that occurred during the war - but even Troy (by no means an unromantic movie) makes these elements pretty explicit:

In the clip above, the Myrmidons have brought Achilles the newly enslaved Briseis in case he would like to rape her. The slavery and rape threat elements are there. Is Barker saying that she wants to see the rape? Does this scene somehow read as romantic because he chooses not to rape her? Rape is being used more and more, especially in TV, as a way of creating realism in fantasy shows - and people do seem to have an appetite for it (see: Game of Thrones, Outlander). So her suggestion that modern audiences want a sanitised version of the war doesn’t work for me. 

Point 3: This isn’t a love story. It’s about rape. But also... don’t you just love Achilles?

Quoting from Briseis’ final words again:

No, they’ll go for something altogether softer. A love story, perhaps? I just hope they manage to work out who the lovers were.

Sounds pointed. Barker is implying someone out there got the lovers wrong. It can’t be Troy because they went with the Achilles/Briseis angle too, so is she referring to Madeline Miller? Miller’s 2011 novel The Song of Achilles is a love story focused on Patroclus and Achilles (disclosure: I haven’t read it). As I mentioned earlier, Barker, going against all evidence we have about ancient Greece, chose to make her Greeks homophobic. She does touch on Achilles and Patroclus’ famous intimacy, but frames it more as some kind of preternatural closeness which goes beyond brothers or lovers. In Barker’s defence, Homer never explicitly said that Achilles and Patroclus were lovers, but the suggestion of it is certainly part of the canon. I had a high school Classics teacher who scoffed at Troy because she thought Achilles should have been banging Patroclus instead of Briseis. 

Also: since we’re talking about a ‘rape camp’, were there really many lovers?

For a feminist take on The Iliad, this book has some weird gender politics. Achilles rapes our protagonist - a lot. He’s childish, he has mummy issues, he’s abrasive and fussy - but we want Briseis to win him over! We want Achilles to notice her. He’s so magnetic, even if you write him as a spoiled pig, he’s still Achilles. He’s the coolest guy in school. He’s the rower with big shoulders. He wears his hat backwards. He comes to school on Monday with a black eye. He doesn’t know anything about computers. He says he likes Hemingway. He smells good without deodorant. His socks never stay up. If you walk beside him in a hallway, you can feel heat radiating from his body. His pouting and brattiness play into his magnetism somehow. I honestly think Barker might have fallen into the same trap as high school girls throughout history: we just love a bad boy. Want a glimpse into the terrifying mind of teenage girl? When I was 17, I dumped my high school boyfriend because he wasn’t enough like Achilles or Hector. People are romantic about the Trojan War, but that doesn’t mean they want a love story. 

[moonnfairie]

Proximity

Real Life!AU - Chapter 2

Author: softmochijm

Pairing: Reader x Jungkook

Warnings: Alcohol use

Word Count: 3,677

A/N: I was pretty surprised over the things I wrote myself, but in the best way possible of course. Oh, love. Don’t we all love love??

Hope you enjoy the chapter!! xx

Approaching your neighborhood, you wondered if you should just jump out the car and run to your house, but you figured you’d blame yourself for being a coward just because you didn’t want to run into Andrea... at the party that was being held for her.

“I hate how I live so close to him” you sigh with an irate look on your face. Taehyung and Jimin just look at each other and laugh, making you smirk but still try to hold your ground.

Jimin chimes in to try and ease your worries. “I think you’re overthinking it, Y/N. It may be her party but you know how these go. You drink to your heart’s content, mingling here and there, seeing the host maybe, what, once or twice? Then you’re out of there with free alcohol in your system!”

You giggle at his words, feeling more confident about what you’re about to experience. Exiting Taehyung’s car, you can already hear music blasting from outside Jungkook’s house. People littered on the front lawn with red cups in their hands, a couple smothering their faces into each other against the fence on the side. It’s going to be that kind of night.

With Jungkook’s house having the same exact layout as your own, you burst through the front door and head towards the kitchen. If it was anything that was going to help you through the night, it was going to be some drinks. You walk through the living room, packed with sweaty dancing bodies. How he managed to fit a little DJ booth in here, you’ll never know, but you nod your head at the music as you pass by the tall speakers. Up ahead, you see the entryway to the kitchen, and stop in your tracks to see Jungkook and a couple of his other friends attempting to mix some drinks.

“Step aside, losers. The cocktail connoisseur is here” boasts Jimin, and the little crowd opens up to greet him with loud screams and chants. Taehyung then walks in from behind you to grab an already made drink from one of the other boys, leaving you to stand there awkwardly, just a few feet away from the one person you want to be the absolute closest to.

You watch as Jungkook’s eyes crinkle at the sides as he smiles, licking his lips before he greets his two best friends. “Ah, yes! The alcoholic and party fiend is here! Cheers!”

Your feeling of endearment fades as you watch the boys smack their cups together, liquid escaping the brims from their force. “So, who’d you bring along tonight...” Jungkook’s voice trails off as he turns to see you standing stiffly, watching the drunk mess that are his friends.

“Oh h-hello Y/N! They didn’t tell me you were going to make it tonight.”

You huff and proceed to step closer to him. “I mean, I only live a couple houses down, Gguk. Figured I’d grab a drink or two then leave you to your fun.” You reach in front of him to grab what he was already making for himself and chug it down. Flashing him a smile, you retort “Wouldn’t want to miss Andrea’s birthday for the world!”

The boys around you chuckle and whisper to themselves throughout your whole interaction, and you feel as though you’re winning this little game, until one of them shouts “Where is Andrea anyway? You gotta let her out of your room sometime Kookie! That’s not the right way to get someone in bed!”

The group of boys erupt into laughter, leaving Taehyung and Jimin to look at you sullenly while Jungkook watches as your smile fades away. “Seriously, guys, shut up.” Jungkook demands. You forcefully place the cup on his counter and storm out of the kitchen, raising your hand up behind you to stop Taehyung and Jimin from following you.

“Obnoxious.. fucking annoying.. little brats...” you say between gritted teeth. You walk through the crowded living room again to head to the backyard through the glass doors. Surprisingly enough, you see Jin and his friends sitting around the bonfire, various beer bottles lined along the bottom of their chairs.

“Y/N, I didn’t know you were go-”

“Yeah yeah neither did I, Jin. But yet, here I am! At a party I really don’t give two shits about! Give me some of that!” You interrupted as you snatch his beer and chug it down, Jin’s friends all laughing at your little display.

“Hey, slow down Y/N. If mom finds both you and I drunk out of our minds then we’re both screwed. Just sit down and relax or something.”

You hated when Jin was trying to be the adult, especially since he acted anything but. His friends were here, however, and he had to act like the “responsible older brother” he was.

You fall into the chair and fix your skirt, noticing how everyone’s eyes haven’t quite left you yet. From around the fire sat Hoseok, Namjoon, and Yoongi: Jin’s closest college friends. They’d come over every now and then so they could nerd out and play Fortnite together. You’d sit and watch a few of their games too, knowing how hilarious they’d act after dying in second place. They were overall very amusing to watch, and you found yourself particularly drawn to one of them too.

Yoongi was Jin’s polar opposite. Where Jin was obnoxiously talkative, Yoongi was more kept to himself. That isn’t to say when he were to speak, however, he would have the most intellectual remarks, and had a genuine passion for whatever discussions you held with him. You were lucky enough to share a conversation with him one day that he was over, and felt yourself intrigued by him ever since.

You were discussing what women were looking for in men, a topic Jin had trouble listening in to as he had just come out of a relationship. Jin stormed out of the room leaving you both to go in depth about your perspectives on relationships. It’s not like you were quite keen on them to begin with, considering anything you’ve come close to was merely your crush on Jungkook, but Yoongi further delved into his own relationship experience, leaving you to listen and nod along to all of his interesting stories.

When you told him you’ve never been in a relationship before, his eyes widened in shock, making you drop your head in embarrassment. You wanted to be on Jin’s friends’s level, as you always admired them, but this felt like a setback to you, making you think Yoongi would only look at you like some young and dumb adult. But to your surprise, he lifted your chin with his finger to make you stare directly at him, calmly saying “It is rather unfortunate for someone like you to not have experienced a relationship yet, but I hope some day you do. You are a wonderfully beautiful woman after all.” You felt yourself blushing beet red at that statement, and before you could say anything back, Jin entered the room, making Yoongi continue playing their game together.

Yoongi was something in the back of your head ever since, and seeing him tonight made you melt a little. He was looking at you with sincerity, sensing your uneasiness, but you flashed him a small smile just to prove that you’ll be okay.

After half an hour with your brother and his friends, you heard the indoor crowd get louder, talking about singing happy birthday and blowing out the candles. This signaled everyone to come inside, but you were definitely in no rush. As you got up, Yoongi joined your side and you smiled at his presence.

“It’s dangerous to like someone who’s in a relationship, you know.” You would normally heat up at a comment like that, but Yoongi’s calm tone wouldn’t allow it. “Yeah, yeah. I know that” you say as you roll your eyes. “I’m more... upset, if anything, over us drifting. I really don’t care that he’s dating Andrea.”

The crowd of people gather around and start to boisterously sing, covering the birthday girl from your sight. “Then why aren’t you singing then?” Yoongi shouts.

You turn to stare him down, but he only laughs and joins in song. You just look ahead towards the glow of the candles with your mouth shut tight.

After a while, people returned to their spots with cake in their hand, allowing you to finally see Jungkook and Andrea cutting and passing out the slices.

“Want me to go grab you one?” Yoongi generously offers, making his way over. “No, no. I’ll go with you.” It was an impulse decision, one you wish you didn’t make, but you were full of courage at this point, and decided to just head over yourself. You haven’t seen her the entire night anyway.

“Mind if I have a slice?” you coyly ask, as Andrea turns around and opens her mouth in shock to see you. “Oh my goodness is this Y/N I see? I didn’t even know you were coming!!” She puts down the knife and your plate and hugs you tight on the spot, Jungkook’s eyes never leaving your own. “Little Jungkookie here didn’t even tell me. I’m so glad I get to see you again!” She turns back to pick up the utensil and plate and cuts you a generous slice. Yoongi’s holding in his laugh and you roll your eyes at her overly exaggerated positive attitude.

“Oh, he didn’t? Shame.” you say shaking your head and reaching out for the slice. You want this interaction to end immediately, tapping your foot as Andrea cuts Yoongi’s slice painfully slow.

“Yeah, about that, Y/N, do you mind if I talk to you for a little?” Jungkook cautiously asks.

You weren’t having it and definitely didn’t want to make a scene, noticing Andrea’s face falter a little at his question. Yoongi grabbed his slice and you turn quickly on your feet to make a run for it. “Don’t leave the birthday girl by herself, Gguk. We’ll talk soon!” and you dash to the backyard.

Jin and his other friends are no longer there, so you opt to remain with Yoongi. “As I was saying...” he declares, like you’ve been talking this entire time. “You’re torturing yourself. Look how she swoons over him.” Your heads both turn to see her trying to place cake on his face, laughing uncontrollably when she finally swipes some on his nose. You shudder in disgust. “Lord, this is torture” you both laugh and you place the plate of cake in front of him. “I didn’t even want this anyway.” He shrugs and flashes you a gummy smile “well, it’s more for me then.”

As you’re leaning down, you pick up Yoongi’s unfinished beer bottle and raise an eyebrow at him for permission. He nods calmly, watching you tilt your head back as you finish the bottle dry.

“We should go out drinking sometime, you definitely seem fun to do it with.” You laugh more than you expect to, your head starting to spin with all of this intake. “Ohhh yeah, sure! I’d love to. Honestly, I’d love to do anything with you-” you smack your hand on your mouth, eyes wide in horror. You really didn’t mean to have that come out, but you just can’t help it. It wasn’t like you were lying anyway, but you didn’t realize how your inner thoughts have found their way out.

“Is that so?” he sweetly asks with a smile. And you shake your head vigorously to try and tell him otherwise, but you sigh in defeat. The alcohol has really gotten to you. “Shit I’m sorry Yoongi. I mean, I’m down to drink with you or whatever. Sounds coooool to me.” You were slurring again, leaving Yoongi to smile at you endearingly.

“Well I mean, we could do anything, not just drink. How about we catch a movie sometime?”

You really have no idea how your big mouth allowed for things to play out like this, as shocked as you were, you found yourself surprisingly happy, even swooning over how good he looks just talking to you. Even with the alcohol, these feelings were genuine, and you couldn’t help but blush.

“I-I mean, yeah, okay! Let’s do it!” He smiles with his wide gummy smile again and your heart melts deep in your chest. You both continue to talk for the rest of the night, gazing at the fire and each other all throughout.

A couple days pass and you find yourself getting ready for your movie date with Yoongi. You tilt your head as you stare into your vanity mirror, wondering if you’re wearing “too much:” A white oversized button up with red pinstripes, light blue distressed jeans, and your tan loafers.

“... Nah” you say shaking your head. You’re going on a date with Yoongi, you had to make sure you looked good.

Jin barged into your room looking for who knows what, but stops to see you goggling at yourself in the mirror.

“What are you doing” he asks sternly.

“What do you mean?”

“Why do you look good?”

“Wh-What? You mean I’ve never looked good to you before??”

“Well, ye-”

“Shut up. I’m just... going out tonight. Let me look ‘good’ for once.”

He stares at you and you could see the gears twisting in his brain. “Does this... have to do with Yoongi’s unavailability tonight?”

You stop playing with your hair at his question and slowly move your eyes over to him, not trying to reveal any expressions.

“Uh... no?”

Jin continues to stare at you, but breaks into his loud laughter a few seconds later. “Yeah, I don’t even know what I was thinking. Anyway, have fun or whatever!” He shouts slamming the door behind him. Jin would actually have a heart attack if he were to know anything about you and Yoongi, so you decide to just keep it to yourself for now.

You sigh in relief but become alarmed once more at the vibration your phone makes. You open it to see a text from Yoongi:

Fr: Yoongles

Hey, I’m outside. you ready? or should I come in?

You

No no that’s okay!!! I’M COMING DOWN!

You frantically gather your things and run down to the living room, abruptly passing Jin and yelling “OK I’M GOING OUT NOW BYE BE BACK SOON!” before he could ask you anything else about tonight.

You smile to see Yoongi staring at you from the driver’s seat, hurriedly exiting the car to hold the door open for you. You thank him with a generous smile as you climb in.

There was a comfortable silence throughout the ride, something you enjoyed as you liked to watch everything pass you outside the window. Every now and then you’d look over at Yoongi staring straight into the streets. How one hand held the wheel while his other was on the stick-shift, relatively close to your thigh. You wondered what would happen if you were to risk it all and reach for his hand right then and there, but you were interrupted by the loud music you heard coming from outside.

Yoongi had taken you to a drive in theater. The sky was a beautiful mix of blue, pink, and purple. Various different cars lined up in rows with people setting up their spots with blankets to get comfortable for the night. For the first time, you felt butterflies in your stomach, and you looked over to Yoongi gazing at you with a tenderness no one’s given you before.

He pulls up next to a dark red pickup truck, one that piqued your interest considering it heavily resembled the truck Andrea would drive you around town with. You shrugged it off nonetheless and got out of the car to help Yoongi set up the trunk. He had a hatchback with plenty of room for the two of you to sit and enjoy the movie. He placed a blanket down, handing you one to wrap yourself in as you plop into the trunk.

La La Land was playing tonight, a movie a hopeless romantic like you would thrive on watching despite how many times you came across it.

“I didn’t take you as a chick flick kind of guy, Yoongs.” He snickered at your remark. “Neither did I, but I asked Jin what kind of movies you liked and he said you were a huge fan of this one.”

You furrowed your brows in confusion. Jin knew about this?! Why was he acting so dumb earlier...

Your train of thought was brought to a halt at the faint obnoxious laughing you could hear coming from your left side. You lean forward to peek at who would be making such a raucous to find your blood boiling over the view of Andrea, arms linked with Jungkook, both laughing like they heard the absolute funniest joke in the world.

“God damnit!” you yell aloud and Yoongi turns to you and pitifully laughs. “We could move, you know.” He starts. “It’s fine by m-”

“Oh my GOSH is that Y/N!!!”

You hide in your hands. “Oh God no. She found us.”

Yoongi continues to crack up, and peaks his head over, resulting in another over exaggerated gasp. Andrea squeals “With Yoongi???”

“With Yoongi?!!” That question catches Jungkook’s attention and he stares at you two in disbelief. They make it over to his trunk and Yoongi climbs out to greet them. Wrapped and warm in your little blanket burrito, you decide to greet them from within the confines of Yoongi’s trunk.

“I didn’t know you guys were a thing” Andrea chimes accusingly, both you and Yoongi responding “We aren’t!” urgently. You hear Jungkook huff a little, while Andrea continues to pry.

“I mean, it sure looks like it... It’s cute, anyway!” You can’t help but roll your eyes every time she speaks. How could someone be so annoying. “Oh... my... gosh... how about you two join us for dinner after this!”

You and Jungkook abruptly turn to face her, eliciting a loud “WHAT?!” from the both of you. Andrea laughs it off and continues “Yeah!! Let’s, like, totally do it! I get to hang out with Y/N again anyway! Oh Jungkookie please??!” You look over to Yoongi and stick your tongue out in disgust, but he gives you a soft sad look, making you roll your eyes.

“Well...” Jungkook stutters. “If you guys are down for it, then so am I.”

You hesitate a bit, fumbling with the bottom of your blanket as Yoongi climbs back in. But you were one for the people, and as much as you despised Andrea, maybe this was actually a way you could hang out with Jungkook again.

“Sure.”

You’re at the part of the movie where they start to sing City Of Stars, a huge weakness that would tug on your heart strings. You had actually watched this movie with Jungkook before, and sat next to him as well. You wondered if he felt the same emotions you felt during this scene. How the song played at the idea of the both of you wanting someone in a world filled with millions of others.

You looked over in attempts to glance at Jungkook, only to find Yoongi staring back at you. You jump a little, but smile. You found comfort in Yoongi’s deep, dark eyed stare. It’s like he could express his whole spectrum of emotions just through looking at you, and you could tell he was trying to tell you something.

You were always confused towards Yoongi’s compliments and advances to try and spend more time with you. He was “just Jin’s friend” if anything, and you always shrugged it off thinking he just liked being your friend back. But his eyes were telling you that he didn’t ask you to the movies tonight as just a friend. How his conversation about relationships and his compliment towards you wasn’t just a friend talking to a friend.

It was like he craved affection. He craved the feeling of being loved, and you saw it the more you kept staring. Your mind was swimming in thoughts of trepidation of what would happen next, but the closer he leaned in to you, the more your mind went blank, and your lips met his in the most gentle and tender manner ever.

He raised a hand to your cheek, cradling your face as you parted and gazed into each others eyes. You didn’t realize your heart could feel so happy after falling for someone who didn’t care back.

You were both leaning in to kiss each other again but were startled to hear a few things dropped not too far from you.

“Shit!!!”

You and Yoongi turn in the direction of the scream to see Jungkook looking straight back at you. Startled to meet your eyes, he hurriedly bends down to pick up the hotdogs he had just purchased.

Yoongi gives you a soft smile, then quickly gets up to run over and help him. You wait a little to see if Andrea will get up and help as well, but look over to find her sound asleep sitting upright in her trunk. You laugh at how her mouth falls wide open as she lifts her head from falling, then get out of your blanket wrap to go help clean as well.

“Dude, are you okay?” Yoongi asks Jungkook calmly, and as you approach, Jungkook just looks down again.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I just... tripped.”

You handed some napkins to Jungkook, who in response gives you a weak smile and quickly hurries back to Andrea’s truck. You wonder, did he see you kiss Yoongi? Is this why he’s acting so weird?

You climb back in the trunk, worrying about what Jungkook could be thinking, but forgetting all about it when Yoongi reaches out to hold your hand, City Of Stars coming to an end on the big screen.

Chapter 3

[literaryfaeriecorner]

02/21/2021: Promotions, Old Friends, and Yellow School Buses

link to original post

February 21st, 2021

somehow i received a promotion at work last Friday even though i am literally probably one of the LEAST motivated people teaching at that school... fuck. so... now, instead of just being a regular-schmegular teacher, i am now the '6th grade head social studies teacher' which means that i have to run planning meetings for the social studies team, attend morning meetings discussing whole-grade growth and failings, and solutions for how we're going to get the kids to... not suck. uuuuuuggggghhhhhh!!! and this is for the rest of the year and the next!!!!

apparently, i am the 'perfect person' for this position because all of my classes have consistently performed better than the rest... but between you, me, and the entire internet, that speaks more to the abilities of my students than my own personal abilities as a teacher. i don't believe i'm a sucky teacher or anything but the fact remains that between work, grad school, delusional lovesick-related episodes, mental illness, and other varying distractions, i am not Doing The Best I Can. in fact, i'm literally in survival mode 95% of the time. the other 5% of the time, i'm in manic-as-fuck mode. so... do i really DESERVE this promotion? who even fucking knows? i like to believe, however, that i'll eventually figure out how to bullshit this new responsibility as well and no one will be the wiser. i mean, if this promotion came with a financial boost as well, i'd be more inclined to not fuck it up but, like... i'm doing more work for the same weak ass pay... i'm not as motivated with kind words and encouragement than i would be with a solid boost to my pay grade. anyway... whatever.

i was on tumblr the other day (i am fasting from all social media sites during the day for Lent but tumblr doesn't count because i literally just reblog five or six posts into the void, look at sad literature quotes, and log out just to do it all over again the next day... i am not addicted to tumblr as i am to twitter, instagram, pinterest, and linkedin... yes, linkedin. my quest to escape my job has led me down a very weird and addictive path) and i came across this post by user beetlejuices:

"isn't it all about old friends? like everything? all of it?"

and it is. i think so. i really do.

one of the things i've been conscious of in my early adulthood is that i am still chasing after the friendships i had in middle school. i wrote about this two Lents ago too. there is a memory that i remember so vividly in middle school and it reminds me constantly about how i felt so loved and appreciated and like the world couldn't go on without me if i somehow left or disappeared or went away. i think about it all the time. that is how freeing and loving and whole it is. just a simple memory of being three hours late to school (after a huge, blown out argument between parents who should've divorced years ago) and being startled by a flood of texts that starting pouring in at 7 that morning.

ashley: YOOOO where r u? they snagged all the donuts from the corner store!

alysha: you missed the bus this morning?

ashley: i bought donuts off eman 4 u... say im the best :D

kiera: U MISSED CRYSTAL'S FAT HEAD ASS SLIP DOWN THE STEPS LMAOOO

kiera: u're always here early u good?

alysha: are you coming 2 school today?

ashley: are u ok?

Christyl: don't forget we have a test in math!! where are you?

kiera: babe?

ashley: are you ok? why is ur phone off?

alysha: i just talked to ashley are u ok?

Christyl: where r u?

kiera: i just talked to ashley r u ok?

kiera: none of ur sisters r here either... u ok?

ashley: i'll call again @ lunch

alysha: pls be safe

Christyl: i'll tell the teacher you're sick and maybe you can take it tomorrow

Christyl: are you ok?

and even more messages that were sent during and inbetween classes... i thought it was a bit too late (and too time consuming) to respond to them all individually so after being signed into school three hours late, i decided to wait for all my friends at our table in the cafeteria to surprise them before explaining my mess of a morning. i was nervous because i thought they would be mad at me for some reason. but as soon as they saw me, ashley, alysha, kiera, and christyl, they came barreling towards me screaming my name. it was an entire scene. people looking at them crazy and then raising their eyebrows at me, not seeing what the big deal was. i probably looked the same exact way that i did the day before. unspectacular, bookish, awkward. they couldn't see what the big deal was. it embarrassed me but it thrilled me at the same time.

they nearly knocked me to the floor pushing each other to get to me first trying to steal the first hug. in the end, i stretched my arms out as far as i could and they all fell into them. we probably looked a mess. a tangle of brown legs, arms, frizzy hair, loose braids, and scuffed dress shoes. i remember feeling so loved and wanted. i felt bigger and grander than i was. i had stopped the world for five entire minutes and i didn't do anything. i was just existing.

i don't really talk to any of the girls anymore. i follow them on social media and i wish them happy birthday every year and we're all on each other's close friends list on insta... so i still know a few, if not all, of their secrets... but we'll probably never be as close as we were in middle school. and that's ok. i still love them as much as i did when they tackled me in the lunch room that day. i still root and cheer for them like we still spend every night after school on the phone for hours talking shit and planning presidential campaigns and gossiping about boys. i will never forget that day in the lunchroom. ever. and, like i said, it has only occurred to me now, as a young adult, that i've been chasing that kind of friendship and sisterhood since it happened.

i like to treat all my friendships as mini-romances. i remember a tweet that said, "friendships ARE romance," and i agree. i think i'm in love with all of my close friends, if not all of my friends. it's embarrassing (just a bit) but i have probably fallen in love with all of my friends at least once or twice. this is especially true for my group of college friends (at this point, they are really family). i have been in love, at least once, with all eight of them throughout our four years. i don't actually find this embarrassing like i said earlier. what's embarrassing is that this information might embarrass other people which, in turn, would thoroughly embarrass me. but the fact itself doesn't embarrass me. that is how i am. i fall in love and out of love at breakneck speeds. i think it's important to be a little bit in love with your friends.

i really enjoyed being in undergrad and planning literal dates between all eight or nine of us. and we would call it that. "what are we doing for our date next weekend?" "so who's going on the date tomorrow?" "are we cancelling the date or does the weather not matter?" (the weather always mattered.) my favorite college date was valentine's day senior year. we all went to korean-style karaoke and ordered so much food and drink we could barely stand to sing. we were all sat around the tv singing horribly to mariah carey or beyonce or rapping to nicki minaj verses. we took so many bad pictures and tone deaf videos and we kept leaning or hugging or holding each other's hands. that's another thing i love about my college family. most of us are touchy-feely people. i am a touchy-feely person. i'm southern and my mom is ridiculously gooey so one of my love languages, inevitably, is touch. i, usually, reign it in A LOT unless i have a partner but in college, i somehow discovered a whole group of people who loved to kiss each other on the cheek and hold hands and lean on other people, and lock arms. i felt at home. really.

maybe it's not only about old friends, though. maybe it's about feeling at home.

there was another post on tumblr and i think about it a lot. it's a screenshot of a tweet from twitter user @HumbleCore.

"HUGE NEWS: finally found my best friend from middle school on FB. We've both been looking for each other for over a decade. I told her I think about her whenever I play any boardgame or drive by a church. She told me she uses my name as her password at work. A perfect reunion."

when i read that the other night, i cried. i don't know why. it was heavy and ridiculous and i was worried my roommates would hear me. i don't know why i cried. at all. and even typing it out like that made me want to cry again. the feeling is not as strong or as overwhelming as it was the first time but it's still there.

i think about a best friend i had in first grade. even before i thought of ashley as my best friend (i have known Middle School Ashley since the first grade. i thought we were destined to be best friends forever and ever and ever, which is what i wrote in her middle school yearbook). his name was Malik. or Malique. my memory fails me. but anyway, i loved him like crazy. we didn't do anything without the other. we shared lunch together, we HAD to be partners on every field trip, i cried when Ms. Sanchez moved my seat from his in an effort to stop us from disrupting her lessons and i hated her for an entire week. (a very long time from a first-grade perspective.) even now, i think about him whenever i go to petting zoos or farms and when i ride on yellow school buses with my students.

Malik/Malique was my first kiss. we were hiding from Ms. Sanchez and the other chaperones so we could pet the goats one last time. while we were hiding behind a barn, he kissed me. "for good luck," he said. and then we sprinted across the farm to get back to the goats. and we pet them again before Ms. Sanchez found us and ordered us back on the big yellow school bus where we held hands for the entire hour-long ride back to school.

it's very silly to think now but in high school when i was trying to determine whether i loved my first boyfriend or not i remember thinking, "well, does he make me feel like Malik/Malique?" it's silly but sweet. at fourteen, still comparing the way he made me feel behind a barn at 5 years old to how another boy, years and years later, made me feel. it is silly but i think it's sweet.

i don't actually have any interest in finding Malik/Malique or knowing for certain what he does or how he's doing because i seriously doubt i had such an impact on his life, but i hope he's well and alive and happy because that's what i always naturally hope for when i pass petting zoos or farms or see bright yellow school buses.

so, yes. i think everything, us, our relationships, the entire world, is about old friends. all of it. every last bit of it.

i have a whole-grade data analysis, 300 pages of reading, and two mini-papers for classes to finish before tonight so i'm going to get going... i just wanted to write about old friends first.

[sanctferum]

Dangan Ronpa V3, chapter 3 free time!

Time to explore!

There’s a hidden Monokuma in Kaede’s lab. Ryoma’s lab’s been cleaned up by Monokuma, and the shower room is inaccessible because Shuichi doesn’t need to take a shower. The gym has also been cleaned up, and the inner tube in the pool has been neatly put away.

OK, the blackboards show different things in different chapters when you go into search mode. Or maybe it’s because we’re playing as Shuichi? I didn’t check them last chapter.

Monokuma knows. He knows that in order to be a Dangan Ronpa player character, an ahoge is necessary.

Another hidden Monokuma’s in the boiler room.

Oh, we can retry the escape game, huh?

Well, that didn’t work. I wonder what would even happen if we completed it successfully?

Found another Hidden Monokuma near the Kumasutra Hotel. I bet the last one is in the racing minigame again…

The casino minigames now include Mind Mine and Psyche Taxi equivalents.

Treasure Hunter Monolith: the music reminds me WAY too much of Chiaki’s execution music from DR2…

Outlaw Run: I am still very bad at this minigame. Give me Logic Dive back!

Don’t know how to unlock any category besides “Kind” for these minigames. Betting max coins didn’t work, getting an S rank didn’t work. Advancing a chapter hasn’t worked for the Hangman’s Gambit one, either.

Oh, did the exchange always sell Monopad themes?

Anyways, on to the actual free time! I’m gonna hang out with Kaito.

Kaito is still upset people are lumping Maki and Kirumi into the “murderous fiend” category. Let’s calm him down with this moon buggy model!

Kaito tell us about how astronaut training is super intense, and it’s a lot of work…but the universe is a harsh place. He’s got to be able to handle crazy situations if he wants to explore it. For the first two years of training, he learned the basic skills needed to be an astronaut – medicine, engineering, scuba diving, linguistics, survival training…pretty much everything.

There’s a training facility for astronauts at the bottom of the ocean? The most important thing for an astronaut is communication and teamwork. No one person can hope to explore space by themselves…you need a team, and you need to trust in that team. The facility at the bottom of the ocean helps people learn to work as a team. Also, as part of communication training, you have to master other languages and cultures…Kaito is fluent in Japanese, English, and Russian. He might be an idiot sometimes, but Kaito sure is incredible…

Bedtime already? I wonder if trying the escape game took up a portion of free time?

The Monokubs sure look beat up…well two of them at least. Monodam sure is harsh…

Time to train with Kaito! On our way out, we see Angie, who’s still trying to convert everyone. She claims to be prepared to work with everyone to make the Academy a paradise on Earth. Considering how well her last attempt at that went…hmmm.

Shuichi shows up to the usual training spot, but Kaito is nowhere to be f-

Oh. There he is, dragging Maki behind him. Well, I guess we’re all training together, huh?

Kaito kept ringing her doorbell till Maki answered. Then he dragged her here.

Maki thinks the whole idea is stupid and heads back to her room. Kaito tries to convince her to stay by…Kaito. Kaito, that’s stupid. You aren’t the hero of this story, and Maki isn’t gonna be willing to be your sidekick.

Kaito does say that from his perspective he might be the hero, but from our perspectives, we each are the hero of our own stories.

Maki knows from experience that this will all end in tears. But Kaito calls her out on the what he believes is the real reason she isn’t interacting with anyone. She’s afraid. She’s running away, when she should be standing tall and fighting.

Maki is getting pissed. Kaito, this is…

…going to work out well after all. Maki agrees to train, just so Kaito will stop bugging her about it.

And now. 100 pushups! Shuichi’s body is in hell, Kaito is going along…Maki is almost done. You don’t become an assassin by being out of shape.

Kaito tells her to show up for training tomorrow too. Maki ignores him and walks away.

Ah, so it ties back into what he was saying in the free time event. Teamwork…if you see someone who is weak, you help them become strong. Someone is suffering? You can’t just walk away. Kaito mentions that Shuichi and Maki’s cases are a bit different. Back to the rest of the pushups.

Monokuma Theater ti-

…Monodam Theater time.

He’s wearing a leather jacket and Kamina shades.

Morning announcement. Everyone will gather in the gym to get along, huh? Assembling in the gym is usually a rather bad thing. I’m not sure what to expect.

Kiyo mentions how he overslept, but is usually up by 6 AM and ready to go at 7:30 AM. A half hour to get ready? Is it because of his uniform? Kaito is also around but not going to the gym yet. He’s gonna make sure Maki comes with him to the gym, since everyone needs to show up. If someone doesn’t, who knows what could happen.

Outside, Himiko is complaining about having to go to the gym so early in the morning. Shuichi is apprehensive about all this, and Himiko mentions a student council meeting. What? Oh. Oh boy. Angie wants to throw a party…Atua decreed it would be a pool party?

Monokuma shows up. Looking awful still, huh? Is he gonna tempt us to peek on the girls’ pool party? Is this the scene that the Man’s Desire Gun or whatever unlocks?

Monokuma just stares at us until we randomly have a fantasy come up in our mind. A Man’s Fantasy, to be specific. Oh boy. Shuichi finds himself unable to resist it. Swimsuits…a zany-yet-romantic scene…yet, on the other hand, if anyone saw him, Tenko would beat him half to death twice…oh well, if such is the price we must pay…

Inside the Academy now…Keebo’s also worried about the sudden summons. Another motive, most likely. Keebo is determined to stop anyone from killing, no matter what!

In the gym, which again, has been cleaned up post-trial, we find everyone else. Miu talks about the computer on the 4th floor…the specs are insane…

Keebo is jealous of the computer. Godammit, I know Miu was being super suggestive at you, but…come on. You’re basically a computer yourself, anyways.

Kokichi is unnerved by Maki’s presence, and immediately begins trying to ruin the fragile atmosphere. Then Gonta shows up. He’s about to tell us something serious about the courtyard, possibly something that will help us make sense of “horse a”? Then the Monokubs show up before he can finish his sentence.

Monodam has a motive, all right. A motive to get along?

Tsumigi and Keebo…I’m getting the feeling Angie brainwashed them into her Atua cult too…Himiko was already in, but, um…

The motive will inspire fear like never before…forcing the Ultimates to unite to fight against it. Monotaro and Monophanie prepare to present, on Monodam’s behalf, the motive! It’s…a transfer student. What?

Resurrect one of the four people who’ve died so far…? How? Using the computer? Are we gonna resurrect Kaede? Or perhaps Kirumi, since she’s important to the world? Rantaro, so we might learn his talent? Ryoma…probably wouldn’t care to be resurrected. Anyways, what the fuck, and also, that’s the meaning behind the chapter title.

The Necronomicon? We’ve got a copy of that?

Once resurrected, we can welcome the student back, or, if we want to, kill them off again immediately. They’ll be part of the game again, in other words. Thanks for telling us that, Monotaro.

Monodam has no such thanks. Monotaro blames his exposition of killing on old habits.

Monodam instructs Monophanie to punish Monotaro…this is a complete reversal, the students are being spared and it’s Monotaro and Monophanie who are in deep shit. Monotaro doesn’t want to be punished by Monophanie, since he mocks for dumb shit all the time. Monophanie, remembering those times, decides sure, she’ll do it. Then the Kubs leave.

How can anyone believe that the dead can be resurrected? Well, Kiyo thinks that not believing it to because it’s scientifically impossible is folly in and of itself.

Funeral ceremonies…like the one we saw of ourselves…

Sending the dead to the next world. HMMM.

Kiyo believes souls are real…but they can’t be reached once the person is dead. Resurrecting the dead is impossible.

Angie believes it isn’t so strange, though. It’s not so much bringing the dead back to life as returning the dead to us…the difference is, the crime scenes were cleaned up perfectly. Perhaps the dead…had their deaths faked by Monokuma or themselves? In which case, they’re alive? Could the bodies have been fakes? If Monokuma and the Exisals can exist, is it possible for realistic corpses to?

Shuichi wants all this to be true, but he can’t believe it really is. To do so would be to turn away from the truth.

Gonta brings up that if the students were alive, they’d have to be here somewhere. Maybe one of them wrote “horse a” in the courtyard. He was gonna tell us something about the courtyard. Was it that the message is now longer?

“Twnm I”?

I see. The horse message wasn’t meant to be read  from top to bottom. It was meant to be read from left to right. TH, WOR, SE, N, I, MA…?

And the Monokubs left the Necronomicon here for us. It’s definitely a motive…but what kind? Maybe it’s a motive like this: we ignore it and the four people who are still alive somehow die for real? Angie is very appreciative of Gonta’s story…she goes over and hugs him…is she…she’s trying to get him to believe in Atua. Soon she’ll have brainwashed like half the survivors.

A gentle grandma? Isn’t Atua a handsome man? Himiko says Atua’s appearance depends on who’s looking. Kokichi thinks that sure is suspiciously convenient. Angie invites Gonta to the student council that Himiko mentioned. Apparently it’s part of Angie’s plan to stop the killing game. Keebo, Himiko, Tenko, Tsumugi, and Angie all met up and agreed to make the Ultimate Academy Student Council. Angie came up with the idea, and is Student Council President. Which means Atua is the one really in charge. Of course. Kokichi declares them brainwashed…Kiyo agrees. The Ultimate Academy, under the conditions of the killing game, is the perfect breeding grounds for a cult. And this has all the markings of a cult. Keebo, Tenko, and Tsumugi, and now Gonta, have been taken in by this nonsense…Tenko even put aside her love for Himiko to give her love to Atua instead.

Maki points out how clear of a trap the resurrection ritual is…but it’s to no avail. The Student Council members are beyond the reach of logic or reason. Meanwhile, Kaito’s been really quiet this whole time, and I’m somewhat worried about him.

But there’s no time to be worried…we need to head to the pool and spy on the girls, pronto!

Two girls wearing only bikini bottoms. One girl wearing pantaloons. And Tenko, fully in the nude. Enjoy the view, Shuichi, I guess? (Or, you could just ask Miu to flash you? Where is she anyways? Was she not invited? Guess not, student council girls only)

Himiko would rather conserve her MP than use them to grow her boobs as big as Tenko’s. She’s awfully jealous. Tenko reassures her that Himiko’s boobs may be small, but they’re nicely shaped. Angie, meanwhile, is trying to grope Tsumugi’s boobs. Shuichi witness it all and immediately remembers that this is morally wrong and stupid. Too late, dude. Too late.

Afterwards we return to our room. Time to go hang out with people! Not sure who, though…Himiko, maybe. Next time!

[amarantine-amirite]

Once is an Accident

"Accidents happen", they say.

"Everyone makes mistakes. Mistakes help us learn."

We've been taught this since the beginning of our lives. We've been taught that mistakes are what makes us human. There's no shame in screwing up.

Or so I thought. There comes a point where the mistakes add up. There comes a point where people start to see a pattern. One time, it's an accident. Twice, it's careless. Three times, well; God help you if it happens a third time. After a while, it stops being a mistake and evolves into a pattern of incompetence. People get mad at you for your carelessness. They think less and less of you. If you screw up, they kick your ass.

It embarrasses me to admit that I just plain can't do the same things that my friends can do. I have virtually no stamina. I lose things. If plans change, it freaks me out, as does uncertainty. I have the social skills of a raccoon with dumb rabies. I struggle to try new things on my own. No really, I have to have someone physically show me how to do something and watch me as I complete it. It's gotten me rejected from everything.

Sometimes, I can't accurately gauge how “new” something is going to be. Case in point: the time I tried to resume piano lessons after we moved.

I’m not going to bore you with why we moved. I’m just going to cut to the good part.

I’ve done piano lessons since I the age of seven. A young lady named Marissa taught me, and she was a good teacher. When I say she was a good teacher, I mean that she was both nice and effective.

How? Most kids give up music because playing scales and stuff from beginner’s song books bores then half dead. Most kids would much rather play popular music than, well, this; and I can tell you from experience.

While working through the beginner songbooks, I did not progress quickly at all. In fact, I progressed about 45.5% slower than Marissa’s three other students (not enough perspective for you? I progressed slower than the boys!) In fact, they only thing that I had to show for the piano lessons was that my eye-hand coordination was approaching that of my normal peers.

Everything changed once my mom got me a Harry Potter piano book for my eleventh birthday (I loved Harry Potter back then, by the way). All of a sudden, I got good at piano. I liked playing the piano. I went from “that girl that lags behind the boys” to “that girl that almost got offered a record deal” (I would’ve taken it, but I was only twelve, a teeny bit sceptical about the whole thing, and my mom said no.) Bottom line is, I felt much more motivated to learn (and more motivated to practice, most importantly) than before.

Well, that all stopped once we moved. Instead of doing music lessons outside of school with someone like Marissa, I did them through the school. I’m won’t bore you with details does that made doing music through the school a pain in the ass, like having to complete sensitivity training, ear training, and get up early for 2 AM rehearsal because our band teacher had non-24 hour sleep-wake disorder.

Three months into the program, our school band got a gig recording music for (and I still don’t believe it) The Hannah Banana Movie. A preschool cartoon about an anthropomorphic banana that would help kids, the original Hannah Banana used to air on Nick Jr. sometime between the years 1994 to 2001. Even though the show ran for 7 years, they only filmed 13 episodes in the winter of 1994. Of those 13, Only about five of them ever actually saw any airtime on TV. To be honest, I’m kind of surprised that The Hannah Banana Movie even got made. Given how many episodes they ultimate aired, I don’t think the show was too popular.

Not what I brought you up to speed with The Hannah Banana Movie, I can get to the good part.

One scene of the movie featured Hannah driving a school bus. I don’t really remember how it fit into the context of the story, but then again, The Hannah Banana Movie didn’t have much of a story to start with. Anyway, at some point during the journey, somebody rolled a large rock out onto the road. The rock smashed into the side of the bus, sent it hurtling over the edge of a cliff, where it later crashed into a birthday party and set the room ablaze.

I remember the scene because Jessi-Lee Hill, the music director for the film, showed it to me and two other girls (Kimberli, a slim, bug-eyed Mexican violinist with red hair, and Vivian, a short, Indian drummer with albinism, wacky hair dye, and an eye patch). “What is that,” asked Kimberli, “Revolution 9 backwards?”

“Precisely!” said Jessi-Lee as she pointed to Kimberli, “we can’t use the music in the scene. Copyright problems. I turn it over to you guys. We need about 6 to 10 minutes of new music for that scene in the movie.”

The three of us jumped at the chance to write music for a movie. “Now,” Jessi-Lee began, “technically, I’m not allowed to assign you this job, because you aren’t on the studio’s payroll as music personnel. If anything goes wrong, the studio executives are going to hand my ass to me, so don’t screw this up. Got it?”

None of us of written music before, and consequently, we had no idea where to start. “OK, Vivian, I’ve got nothing.” I said, “Any ideas?”

Vivian leaned forward in the chair and scratched her head. “Well, Carol,” she began, “that song that they used in the original only consists of random clips of music played forwards and backwards, sound effects, and random snippets of dialogue. How about we make something like that?”

Kimberli nodded in agreement. “Good thinking, Viv” she said, “something like Revolution 9 practically writes itself.” She later furrowed her brow and frowned a teeny bit. “But, Revolution 9 really scares me,” she added, “Is it OK if we write it to sound like something else?”

“I know, but so was that scene.” I responded, “Even without the music, it really gave me the willies. It just works. Let’s do it.”

It only took us an hour to have everything recorded and produced. Vivian had a point. The song practically wrote itself. We only had to throw together random sound clips and see what stuck, distort, reverse, and echo the crap out of everything, and toss in a motif (in this case, the sentence “moving forward.”)

Except, it didn’t go quite the way we hoped. About a day or so after we emailed the files to Jessi-Lee, she called us into her office. “Girls,” she began, “We have a problem.”

I plunked down on a bean bag chair, crossed my legs, and looked at her. “Lay it on me” I replied.

“We can’t use your music.”

All three of us sat there in confusion. “Why can’t you use it?” Kimberli asked, tilting her head to the side.

Jessi-Lee’s expression dropped. I could immediately sense a subtle yet profound fear in her voice. “Girls, when you recorded the song,” she began, “a school bus flipped over and rolled off a cliff.”

Kimberli turned around and flashed a smug expression in our general direction. “I told you that emulating Revolution 9 would cause problems,” she said, wagging her finger “but did you listen? Nope.”

I don’t know if that meeting solved any problems, but regardless, we had to record it again. This time, we had an easier time of where to start with the songwriting: start off with some normal, jaunty music, glitch it up, and then feed it into random chaotic gibberish.

The day to record the music came. We turned off all the lights in the studio and lit candles to set the mood. The entire session had a bizarre, transcendental feel to it. As we recorded, it felt like we had exited our universe and gone someplace else. When we heard it back, it spooked us; much more so than the first piece we wrote.

And we still couldn’t use it.

Jessi-Lee called us into her office again. “I’ve explained this to you, but it’s as if you never learn!” she barked.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone get so angry over a piece of music before. “So what?” I said “Nothing bad happened this time.”

Jessi-Lee’s eyes widened. I could see veins bulge on her neck. “Nothing bad happened?” she said, gasping, “Nothing bad happened?! Well, not only did another bus sailed over a cliff, but it caught fire as it did so, and on top of everything else, the lone survivor from the previous crash died that evening. What do you fucking mean nothing bad happened?!”

Jessi-Lee got so mad she had to leave the room. We spent the next few minutes talking amongst ourselves. We didn’t talk about the music; what happened with it still spooked us too much.

Some time later, Jessi-Lee came back with our band teacher, Mrs. Newbury. “OK, guys,” she began, “Jessi-Lee has explained the situation to me, and we will give you one last chance. Just...one more chance.”

“Right,” Jessi-Lee continued, “if you screw up again, all three of you are out of your school band. Got it?”

We nodded solemnly. “Good,” she said.

We had to record the music again! Unfortunately (and, really annoyingly) for us, disaster struck before we could even start. I know because as we brainstormed ideas, Mrs. Newbury came into the room.

“Save it,” she said, “all three of you have been kicked out of the band”

“Why” I asked.

“You know what you did.”

I don’t think we did wrong. “This needs to stop happening.” she said, “Once is an accident, twice is careless, I have no idea how you even got a third chance to screw something up so badly.”

“What do you mean screw up so badly?”

Mrs. Newbury shook her head. “This morning, as you sat down to brainstorm the music, two gasoline trucks crashed head on into each other, exploded and squashed a little Vollkswagen beetle painted like a ladybug flat. Need I say anymore?”

All three of us got kicked out of band for something that we had no control over. Nobody would call what happened to us fair by any stretch of the imagination. We got blamed and disciplined for something that wasn't our fault. We did nothing wrong, but we still got in trouble.

Do I know what became of The Hannah Banana Movie? Probably not, but I highly doubt they finished it.

[bethevenyc]

Trans Star Candis Cayne on Beauty: 'When I Started Doing Makeup, There Was No YouTube'

Candis Cayne: actress, writer, beauty muse. (Photo: Kourosh Sotoodeh/Running Press)

Long before Candis Cayne high-kicked her way into the collective consciousness on the short-lived but impactful “I Am Cait” as Caitlyn Jenner’s BFF (or “sidekick” or “love interest,” depending on who wrote the story), the leggy transgender actress was out there, shaking up the status quo.

The Hawaiian native ruled New York City’s LGBT nightlife scene as a stunning drag performer throughout the ’90s, transitioning gradually, right before her audiences’ eyes. Then she got her big break, cast as Billy Baldwin’s transgender love interest in the mid-aughts series “Dirty Sexy Money,” becoming the first trans woman in history to have a recurring role in prime time. More roles followed, but none as major as when she landed on the reality show with Jenner, as her glamorous, mentoring friend.

Cayne, 46, had plenty of insights to share, after all — and now she’s compiled them for anyone who could benefit, in a book that’s part-advice, part-memoir, Hi Gorgeous! Transforming Inner Power Into Radiant Beauty. She spoke with Yahoo Beauty about the book, her career, and her Hollywood life, in honor of Pride month.

(Photo: Kourosh Sotoodeh/Running Press)

So what made you want to write a beauty book?

I was at DragCon [drag conference] a year ago and this beautiful girl said, “Oh, you’re so gorgeous,” and I said, “You are too!” And she was like, “No I’m not.” I was taken aback and thought: How does his beautiful girl not know how gorgeous she is? So I thought it would be a good idea to write a book for women of all ages and races and colors and genders to talk to them about radiating that inner beauty, and having confidence in who they are. That’s the starting place and once you have that starting place you can go from there. Also, I’ve been doing makeup and hair and outfits and clothing and styling and beauty for 25 years — on myself and sometimes on others — so I’ve garnered a big amount of knowledge on the subject.

How did you ever figure out beauty without YouTube?

[Laughs] When I was just starting to do makeup and discover who I was there was no YouTube, there were no vloggers — you couldn’t log on and get a tutorial. I was basically looking at magazines, through the pages of Vogue, saying, “Oh, I love her makeup,” and then trying to recreate that — painstakingly in the beginning. And after a while I just had it down.

In the book, you include a photo of yourself the first time you were in drag — as well as many other old photos of, even from when you were a young boy. What went into your decision to include them?

[The photo of] my first time in drag was from when I was in La Cage aux Folles in high school, before I graduated and moved to the mainland. I got into a wig and makeup and leotard and heels — my first time doing this whole look, and it was amazing. It was kind of the first spark for me. I put those pictures in because we all have a starting point. It’s not a pretty picture. It’s really rough around the edges. But the book, to me, talks about confidence in who you are. And for me, that started when I was a kid, [not] at the age of 24, when I started to transition. I wanted to include my entire life. Cutting off half my life didn’t make sense to me. I’m proud of the person I am, and I’m proud of the person I was and who I grew to be.

How has the role of makeup shifted for you as you’ve become more settled as a transgender woman?

When I first started performing in drag in New York City and would put on my makeup, it made me feel whole. I felt less whole when I’d wake up in the morning with no makeup and was just still myself at that point. So it was important to do all the right steps, like electrolysis and growing out my hair, to make me feel the way I felt inside. And when I decided to transition it was easier for me, because I did know how to do makeup at that point. Transitioning was an intense experience, and it was a time in my life when I was able to still work — I didn’t have any of those issues that a lot of trans people have where they tell the whole work force and they have to maybe get fired, and they have all of these people at work who maybe don’t understand. I was in New York City. I was in my tribe. I was able to transition openly in front of an audience and tell them my stories.

(Photo: Kourosh Sotoodeh/Running Press)

You still perform for LGBT audiences and are in some ways entrenched in the world of drag. How has that changed for you since transitioning, and what is the actual difference, for those still confused about drag vs. gender?

Doing drag is when someone puts on a fabulous outfit, goes onstage, and performs, or goes out and is social. Mostly it is gay men who go out and do drag, and just it’s a part of gay culture. When you’re trans it’s gender identity. So a lot of people that I know who are trans perform, because that’s where [they came up]. A lot of girls are trans and are also performers. [Just like] there are a lot of trans people who don’t want to have anything to do with the stage, and don’t want to be lumped into drag performance. To me, we’re all in drag. So I wouldn’t say that I’m a drag queen, because to me that’s a guy dressing up as a girl. But when I perform, and put on big hair and heels, I’m a trans drag artist.

You were doing four to five one-woman shows a week in NYC when you got the “Dirty Sexy Money” role. How did it change your life?

I got the role and I had no idea what it meant. I was supposed to be in two episodes, but wound up being in all of both seasons because my character really hit home with a lot of viewers, and they liked my and Billy (Baldwin’s) chemistry. All I knew is that I got this role and they finally didn’t hire a cis woman or cis man to play a trans character. It didn’t really hit home to me until the episode started airing, and I was at some event, I think for HRC, and they were showing this clip of me and Donald Sutherland in the back of this limo and I tell him, “I’m the living, breathing epitome that nothing is impossible,” and the whole audience in this huge ballroom stood up and applauded. I’m getting chills talking about it! Because it was the first time that I realized this wasn’t just all about me — this was actually doing something to push society forward, to open doors for other people, to broaden other people’s perspectives.

I’m imagining it was a similar feeling with the impact of “I Am Cait.” What was it like be a part of the show?

The first season, there hadn’t been very many sightings of Cait yet. We went to go see “American in Paris” on Broadway… and I didn’t realize how huge it was going to be when we walked out into Times Square. There were at least 5,000 people everywhere you looked, with cameras and screaming Cait’s name. It was so surreal. I was like, “Well, this is going to be huge.” [Laughs] Then the show’s producers said it would be in 150 countries and, like 40 different languages, so I was like so everyone around the world will know who Caitlyn is? Who we are? They were going to listen to trans stories that are so important, especially in countries where it’s illegal, like in [parts of] Africa…where they will just kill someone who is LGBT. So “I am Cait” really did something to change the world and to put the word “trans” on people’s lips.

It’s no secret that your politics differ greatly from those of Caitlyn Jenner. Have you remained friends despite that?

I talk to Cait all the time, though we don’t see each other as much because we are both superbusy. The last season got very political and very intense and, like I told Larry King, I want to be that person that can have a fierce discussion — because there are certain things in life we don’t agree on — but after that’s over, you can put it down and play a round of golf. I’ve only played golf twice. [Laughs] But yes, we have discussions and we might even have an argument, but when it comes down to it, we’re friends. And that’s what’s really important.

She actually wrote the foreword to your book, and pointed out, notably, “Candis is beautiful. It’s not just her gorgeous hair (though she has that… my god, that hair!)” What’s your hair secret?

I wash it twice a week. I usually use Kiehl’s shampoo and conditioner. You don’t need that much, and in fact when half of the bottle is used I like to fill it up with water. On the third day if I’m feeling like it’s not happening, I like to use Mega Dust. It’s like a dry shampoo but it’s a root stiffener; it dries up your scalp and the first quarter inch of your hair so you have lift again, like a fresh blowout.

You’ve talked about being close with your parents and your brother — your twin! How important has it been to have such support in your life?

I knew they were going to accept me, because they loved me. I wrote them both a letter and said I’m trans and I’m going to start this transition. It was the second time I came out — the first time I thought I was gay — so they flew out to New York and they visited me to make sure my heart was OK my head was OK. They were always all really supportive of everything I did, they came to see my shows, they were always right there if I had a problem and needed help, so that kind of allowed me to create this life for myself. And to people who don’t have that support system: You can still be anything you want to be. You have to have a dream, you have to work hard for it, and you have to center yourself around your family, your tribe, [whether or not] it’s your genetic family. You can have any dream that you set your heart to, as long as you work hard and you walk in love.

Read more from Yahoo Beauty + Style:

‘Wonder Woman’ Gal Gadot Feels ‘Very Sexy and Very Strong’ in Her Costume

Transgender Hero Janet Mock: ‘Glam Is a Gateway to Survival’

Gay Pride Activist, 10, Is ‘Our Future,’ Say LGBT Fans

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