#so i wouldnt mind someone else also offering hugs to ppl

[proselfship-huggies]

Would anybody be interested in being a mod for this blog? I’d be happy to have more mods so that other people can give hugs as well!

[violet-makes-an-entrance]

Mmmmkay so Im feelin p sappy on Sick Brain so imma go off for a bit

theres a lot of peeops ive gotten the immense pleasure of meeting and talking to because of this fandom over the course of the last year or so and im just feelin the push to say somethin given that its finals season and tumblr is imploding and some peeps are gonna be dealing with family stuff so,

heres a pick me up

@thecreationartist

max, what can i say that i havent already said honestly? probably not much at this point tbh, but im not afraid to retread. i love you and your bois so much, your art and your storytelling have come so far and its been absolutely amazing to watch, and a massive friggin honor to have been a part of it. youre one of my best friends and closest confidants and youve been with me thru so much. someday i swear to God above i WILL give you a hug in person and we can hang out and have the greatest time, IT WILL HAPPEN you can heccin bet on it. i love you sm dude <3

@radplaidbois

aaaaaaaaaaaaace, youre one of the absolute coolest ppl i know dude. you got rad af art, a rad af story, rad af characters, and im sure as you keep goin, youre gonna have a rad af comic on your hands. you have such an intense drive to improve and keep making art thats such a massive inspiration, to me and im SURE so many others as well. keep doin what youre doin ace

@rant-eater

beeeeeeeeettlllleeeeeeee!!!! i love you sm bb youre so sweet and good and a massive ray of sunshine! im so infinitely blessed that we got to meet up in person and hang out for a day, and would 1000000000% do it again man, we gotta arrange that!! you and spyro are the absolute cutest beans i swear. youre art is so adorable and every time it pops up on my dash i get so excited to see what youve made next. keep living your best life and dont let ANYONE stop you, you deserve absolutely NOTHING LESS <3

@catss-and-plants (wasnt sure which one youd prefer i tag??? eeeh?)

eli eli eli eli! i love you with my entire heart bb! you were one of the first squip blogs i ever found, and a massive reason why i made one myself. i probably wouldnt even have this blog at all if not for you, so i have a LOT to thank you for. youve been thru so much, and youre doing so good, im so proud of you. keep going, keep breathing, i and so many others are right here with you. youve helped me thru a good deal of my own stuff and i thank you so much for that. youre wonderful, youre beautiful, youre amazing. you keep being you, you wonderful Fae Witch, you <3

@ask-the-overworked-firewall

meg! you wonderful human bean! im so glad to have gotten to know you and youre kids since youve started. youre art and your storytelling have come so far and youve improved so much. every interaction is a delight and every new piece of art that comes from you is absolutely amazing. never for a second let anyone cause you to second guess your friendships with me or anyone else here, or youre value as a person and a creator. this fandom would NOT be the same without you. it would be missing a bright light of talent and positivity, otherwise. keep being awesome <3

@roxdaa

ro you great bean, we havent really talked all that much but every time we do is nothing short of a positive delight. if nothing else, i see how you talk with my friends and the positive impact you have on them and your relentless boughs of love and support and it is so good to know that at the very least, my friends are happy, and that is all i could ask for. youre a lovely source of positivity in this community and we could use more of you in this fandom and this world. never stop being awesome <3

@squipsin 

val i know we havent talked all that much one on one but i want you to know that i love and value you all the same. it makes me happy to see that youre happy, and also makes me want to shank when someone tries to change that. you are a strong and valuable person, and you deserve nothing less than the absolute best the world has to offer. you add so much to this community and i hope you know just how much your presence is valued. i and many others love you deeply <3

@starbound-squips

to all my amazingly talented friends and co mods over on the zodiac blog, i love you all so so much. ive said it before but ill never stop saying it again, it has been a massive honor to work with you all. all your individual personalities and inputs have been incredibly valuable and im so blessed to be able to work with you all, and collaborate to be able to bring these great kids to life. to put my own works side by side with all yours is incredibly humbling and im so grateful to have this collective experience with you all. i love you guys <3

@ask-squip-fates

briiiitt! youre characters and your art are such major goals. i know its been a while, but every update and every new piece of art is SOO GOOD IT BLOWS MY MIND DUDE. youve been such an inspiration to me and im sure so many others. youre a joy to talk to and a wonderful person to boot. dont forget to be awesome <3

[themcfuckups]

ok, below is an rp i and @monty-enzo​ did, it sorta peters off when i guess i left the rp mood, which is why it switched from first person? to just us talking about them. (also my end started out not rp-like bcuz idk i do that sometimes when i dont feel like typing real rp responses) warnings: some nsfw at the end, otherwise its fairly safe word count: 2069(nice)

Monty was a mess, he said he would be home in a while. But his 'while' had dragged on to longer then he wanted. When he got home he just collapsed on the couch, too tired to move too upset to clean up. To much pain for anything else. He takes out his phone and looks at it bleary eyed, then deletes the messages then texts Oscar. Sorry I'm late. -M Are you still home? -M I hope you made yourself some dinner. -M Please don't wait up for me. -M He drops the phone onto the ground and lays with his face in the couch.

oscar was prob crying bcuz he was lonely and sal prob hung out with him till it got late then went home, and the lonely part isnt montys fault, oscars just really extroverted and has a need to be around ppl a lot. but when he hears montys back he'd immediately go greet him. sit on the floor next to the couch and be like hi im glad ur home bby

Monty felt sick, and the expectant look on Oscar's face made his stomach turn. What was he supposed to say? He didn't say anything he just started crying and clung on to Oscar. "S-stupid, h-hormones." he sniffed. "S-sorry I hic took s-so long t-to  sob come ho-home.."

Oscar wasn't expecting the burst of emotion from monty. he hugged him from the floor, rubbing his back "aw hey, what's wrong baby? who's ass do i needta kick?" he said the last part with a hint of aggression, always ready to throw down if someone hurt monty in any way.

Monty sniffed trying to get his words out without sounding to blubbery, "Atlas invited me over.. to introduce me to someone I never met." he wipes his face. "It was my dad..." he mumbles "Then Atlas got mad when I said he couldn't come to the wedding..."

Oscar wasnt sure how to respond to that. he'd always assumed monty's parents were dead, since he'd never heard mention of them. but of course, the main thing that rung in oscars head was that atlas was the one who'd upset him. he leaned back to cup his face and kiss his forehead, with sincerity and a small smile "do ya want me to punch him? i can punch him for ya."

Monty actually let out a weak giggle at that "No his face has to be pretty for the wedding you know..." he wipes his face and snuggles with Oscar. "I just dont know how he expects me to suddenly allow someone like that, back into my life..." Monty choked up again "He didn't want me."

oscar nuzzled him, happy he'd gotten a smile out of him."well, he made tha mistake of his life, clearly. look at what a wonderful person he missed out on knowin."  he wasnt fond of thinking about family that didnt want him, but he could relate a lot to it, and he didnt want monty to feel alone in it  "if it helps any.. my dad didnt want me either. i was told he seen me after i was born in the hospital and jus left then and there.. but ya know, fuck em. theyre just shitty people who dont give a fuck about their own kids.. id bet money their ribcages are empty." he said the last sentence with a sneer.

Monty didn't want to dwell on the subject any longer, so he just smothered Oscar in kisses. In his mind he claimed they would be the better dads and not leave their kids and never look back. He slides off the couch and carefully sits in Oscar's lap "Were you able to get yourself some dinner?" he asked finally, "Also you smell like Sal," he leans close and sniffs him. Sure he didnt have the smelling power Oscar's moms did but he could still smell that.

oscars tail thumped the floor a little before he controlled it to stop, happily kissing back and cuddling him close "wasnt hungry, and sal hung out with me for a bit.  they got some dinner for me before they left, think its chinese.. ya wanna eat it?"

"No, I'm not really hungry... I don't think the baby was to happy I got upset.. and kind of hurt me a little." Monty rubs his stomach slightly then rubs Oscar's. "And how are you my little turtle dove, did you get lonely too?" he coos and smooches Oscar's stomach.

oscar grins lopsided and does his best not to wag his tail again at the cute display. he was really getting tired of this tail business. the small fetus responded by giving a weak little kick, "heh, i think they missed ya too. looks like ya got two number one fans now, huh?"  it takes him a moment to backtrack to the first sentence, grin dropping in worry "do ya feel ok? should we go to tha doctor? are you bleeding? are they moving?" barage of questions as his hands moved under montys clothes to gently feel his stomach.

Monty slightly tensed under Oscar's hands and his face colored "Yes I feel fine, no we dont need a doctor, no I am not bleeding, and yes they are moving." and just as he said that Shiloh turned over, the movement felt against Oscar's hands. Monty shuddered a little knowing that Oscar's fingers would reach where the strap would be if he had a bra on. Which he promptly removed as soon as he got home.

oscar grinned at the movement, feeling his soul flutter in response. that was his baby in there, a tiny little thing he made with monty. he completly ignored his tail thumping the floor now, too concentrated on monty to care "youll tell me if ya dont feel good, right? and you should eat, what if it's hungry?"

He smiles softly "Of course babe, I'll eat for them, and I will tell you if something is wrong." Monty gets up with a little effort and waddles into the kitchen for some cinnamon oatmeal and milk. Something warm and yummy and filling for the baby. 

Oscar didnt have nearly as much trouble as Monty did with getting up, following behind him and being what some would consider an absolute annoyance, hovering, rubbing his shoulders , ect. Though at least he helped assist monty on getting items. He got a text, fishing his phone out to glance at it before shoving it back in his pocket without giving the words of the text a second thought. 

Monty honestly didn't mind Oscar hovering him, he had been used to it for a long time, and knew how to do things without tripping over him. Monty made dinner and while he was working on it watched as Oscar got a text "Who was it?" he asked seeing him shove it back into his pocket, concerned. "You okay babe?" he frowns stopping what he was doing and turning around to give Oscar his undivided attention.

Oscar looked at him a little confused, almost already forgetting the text. "Oh, it was jus ma." They had left for a few days to go deal with something else, but both texted him several times a day to make sure he wasn't slacking on taking care of his baby. Monty turning his attention towards him though, he crouched to nuzzle him again, being his ever affectionate self and ignoring whatever his mother had told him. 

Monty had finished making the oatmeal, since he wasnt entirely hungry, though it was for Shiloh's sake. He kissed Oscar for a moment then turns to get his bowl and starts eating, "Was it something important? You shouldn't ignore her texts." 

Oscar sits down, frowning a little "I'm not ignoring her, I seen it, it was just about-" he glanced at the bowl and frowned more, looking guilty "oh.. hm.." he fiddled with his sleeve a bit "I guess I should eat too. Heh.." its not that he was trying to not take care of himself, it just didnt really click as important to him unless he actually thought about it. 

"So, you didn't eat when Sal brought food over?" he asked as he spooned another mouthful of oatmeal into his mouth, he felt the baby shift inside of him. Rubbing his stomach "There there little one you'll get some food it will just take a little bit." Monty sits on Oscar's lap "Aahh." he holds a spoonful of oatmeal to Oscar. 

Oscar shrugged "put it in the fridge, that's why I asked if you wanted it.." he felt bad now for neglecting his baby. And stupid that he needed to be reminded of something so simple. He still smiled a little at the cute offer, eating the spoonful before kissing montys neck "if only eating you out counted as a square meal, I'd never forget to eat." He sat monty in his place, going to grab the food hed put in the fridge since he didnt want monty having to share his meal with him. 

Monty blushed, though looked down when he got moved "Oh," he frowns he didnt really want take out "It was very nice of Sal to bring you some food while I was away." he stated eating more of the oatmeal, even though he wasn't exactly gone very long. Though again just thinking about it had his mind full of thoughts. His dad, suddenly coming back into his life which he had no idea he still was alive. Why had Atlas not said anything until just now? Monty stopped eating. -------

m- I guess Monty would of just told Oscar hes not sure what to think about inviting his dad to his wedding, and hes not happy Atlas didn't tell him his dad was still alive until now and hes not even sure he wants Atlas to go. Like 'you cant just forget about that and not tell me.'

o-Oscar wouldnt know what to suggest, just be like 'follow ur heart'

m-I think Monty would be mad for like a while and fuckin extreme clean the house. which .. Oscar should stop him since hes pregnant -v- dishes, scrub the floors, counters, wipe the walls, dust. vacuum

0-Be like bitch stop that and sit down

m-babe lift the couch for me >:V

0-Massages his feet and kisses his toes

m- Monty just dsklhsdf and blushes hes ticklish slightly

0-Oscar's like if u want a workout, just bend over and I'll help you with a much better one. That doesnt include possible bad cleaning supply smells or toxins. Just nice organic stuff

m- fklshd Oscar is like "Welp time for baby yoga lets go." Monty gets down on the floor on all fours and sticks his butt up in the air. "Yeah I guess this helps." fksldhf

0- Well he meant his dick, but that works too

m- summon the dicco :V and I know you did I think Monty might end up crying during sex though cause hes super emotional lmao "Babe can we just snuggle.. Im sorry" sniffle

0- hed kiss him a lot and hold his hands "We can absolutely snuggle" Rub his tummy His dick can wait Like shhh it's ok, I can get off later, I just wanna smooch u and make u feel loved

m-hlkfhg Monty keeps pushing his plump lil ass against Oscar's hips like "plz fuck my thighs"

0-WELL ITS HARD TO REFUSE IF U DO THAT MONTY

m-dslkfh do it oscar stick your dick between those plump thighs meng give him a good ol squeeze.

o-Fine but hope montys prepared to have him panting and groaning curses against his neck

m-klshdf Monty is super blushy and still got tears from crying before but now hes fucking aroused and shit might fucking nut just from the rubbing

o-Hell yeah, dick rubbing over his puss Nuts all over his thighs and tummy

m-Monty is all panting and just gives him sloppy kisses clinging onto him "Thanks babe I feel a lot better now." nuzzles his face. - theeeen starts crying again "I love you so much." -sobs

o-Hfgdgdxvhfhg oscar just peppers kisses all over him and tells him how sweet and perfect he is

m-Monty turns and snuggles into Oscar touching him all over and cuddling up to him. Then probably just falls asleep against him afterwords tuckered out from stress -------end

[babiewonho]

thoughts on shownu nd wonho

[audio of calebcity’s anime villain laugh bass boosted plays] WOW….amira u truly want me dead askfjaskfj wow…Hyung Line…i’ll start with mister wonho bc that’s where my brain is takin me   Buckle up!! [this is 2k words when will i die]

my favorite fake maknae…mister babie..something i find very unique abt him is even tho he was supposed to be the leader   he also has a lot of youthful naive charm that matches more of a Follower type of personality. like while we saw him be a leader in no mercy, and he did an excellent job esp with gun being covered up for his lack of dancing skill, i think that is a very unnatural state of being for him, and he exerts an unfortunate amount of energy trying to lead others. he has the skills necessary but i think he overextends himself to employ them. his natural state of being is more of a follower in that that’s where he’s more comfortable. he stresses too much about keeping everybody happy at once and takes too much responsibility. he’s naturally a workaholic and sacrifices his health for the sake of work. 

so honestly i’m really glad he didnt end up being the leader and i��ll get more into leder shownu later :D but i take it as a blessing that he’s allowed to take more of a backseat and speak up when he wants to rather than always being in charge. tbh wonho is kinda Out Of It all the time and while i think if he was a leader he’d fight to stay in the moment i think he needs that time in his head to decompress. tbh it’s really funny that he cld have been the leader to me in no malicious way just bc he’s never There askfjasf like when minhyuk said he always needs to go looking for him bc he just wanders off and he’s getting coffee and he’s like what :D and he needs extra explanations and stuff all the time and minhyuk n the others need to direct him in what he’s doing all the time. 

that’s why i said the fake maknae thing bc in many ways he has a really youthful kind of innocence to him like just a silly child. like when ck took the glass away from him at the awards show so he wouldnt break it kasfjsa and then the bottle   like a big brother would do  and wonho was like :/ okay…and wiping his tears. we rly see a shift from him as a Hyung to someone who the others end up taking care of in a very natural way. there’s a big reverse dynamic there, in particular with him and changkyun. which is rly interesting! changkyun kind of steps up to be more mature in situations with him. it’s really cute…

when i think of wonho in the position of a hyung, i think it’s in a non traditional way. when i think of him i think of light blue and him being a Healer. he is a big reminder to stay in touch with your emotions and feel them. at the taiwan concert…i believe at least! that it was that one…when everyone was holding back their tears wonho was like just cry!! to hw in particular he said that there were a ton of people there to hug him and support him when he cried so he should just do it so he didn’t regret it later, and he has a very nurturing heart. he makes this one face…it’s like a mix of a pout n a sad smile?? when he pities another member…it’s a very gentle and empathic facial expression…i’m not used to seeing men make that face. 

so i think he DOES offer a form of guidance/wisdom as an older member but it’s not in a structural way if that makes sense like minhyuk saying “walk over here” or ordering them around it’s like a Healing presence..a calm spirit to offer Peace and Serenity. being in touch with his emotions i feel also creates an openness within the group where they feel better about expressing themselves, at the very least bc they cld use him as a scapegoat, which i dont think he’d mind. like wonho cried first!!!

part of his openness with his emotions is what makes him seem childish not in an unlikable way but rather…like he never got that Hard adult shell that makes people fear expressing themselves and their true thoughts. when he is happy he is brightly adorably happy he’s literally :DD just delighted and that brings out protective instincts in those who are around him which is another part of why he’s a fake maknae 2 me…he gets teased like everyone else but i dont think anybody cld have the heart 2 be mean to him his eyes are just too sparklie…also his LAUGH…is so loud and genuine and beautiful and it makes me feel such joy and it makes the others happy too  nothing is really funny to me until wonho laughs that’s like the official comedy stamp his :D smile n HAHAHAHA laugh  n his wheeze

he’s also really stubborn like a child which i find endearing but i know cld be frustrating sometimes but i find it funny askfjas he’s a baby…he asks for opinions n then doesnt care bc he already made his mind LMAO

he is also!! just so so full of LOVE. his heart is so big…he loves his family and monbebes and his members and he’s so transparent about it and it’s absolutely precious. he radiates love and puts a very beautiful calming blue energy into the world and everything about him is very gentle like body language wise. he speaks very softly even though he’s Loud sometimes the words come out soft if that makes sense. the way they are pronounced in spite of volume. he doesn’t spit out words and i think that’s kind of why he stutters so much they’re so soft n undefined they blend into each other. they need more shape…but he also holds things gently and doesn’t exert a lot of pressure in his fingertips. he’s very cautious and not aggressive and is not prone to anger, though he can get frustrated.

i really thank him for his honesty with fans abt how he’s feeling etc bc i think it creates a very nice friend like relationship. he rly cares abt keeping up updated and it’s so precious i feel genuinely cared for lmao…i literally take care of myself sometimes bc of his tweets like dont forget to eat etc and that’s so special

there’s more things i cant think of right now but u know…i cld happily do this forever but MISTER SHOWNU…ur time to shine (forever…)

NOW…shownu is the official leader which is also unique because nothing about shownu besides perhaps his powerful body commands Leadership our eyes are drawn to him because of this quiet power he exudes but he doesn’t have that dominant personality type in fact i find him a very passive person he’s not fussy at all and seems to value group harmony over his own personal feelings

i think sometimes being a leader is burdensome to him for the reason that he has more of a quiet let things happen personality but that’s what’s interesting. the members don’t respect him because he Commands their attention. they follow him instead rather bc they just respect him and Know he’s the leader. 

even though leadership doesn’t come naturally to him in the traditional sense and minhyuk often assists or does more tradition leader things and has to remind him to speak, he has a whole different form of leadership where he’s quiet but when he Does say something everyone just respects it and doesn’t question it. i feel ppl follow him out of respect and affection rather than anything like intimidation if that makes sense. they just look up to him and admire him and respect his wishes. 

he was a leader during no mercy and ppl followed him without question mostly. he’s really good at having a friendly personality but still making sure people focus during dance practice. ppl might think this form of passive leadership is bad but i think there’s no need for him to interject generally bc mx flows very well with their dynamic and doesn’t need to get adjusted much. he also imo has kihyun and minhyuk as co-leaders which happened naturally and not out of his inability to lead efficiently, so i think if he’s lacking in any way, they’re there to cover that up and i think this also helps remove stress from him.

shownu is also just so likable!! on running man they said when ppl dont talk much, strangely you want to pay more attention to them and i think that’s happened to shownu his whole life. people are watching him without knowing and then when he speaks they’re so pleasantly surprised because he’s so funny and most of it is said in such a flat way, like deadpan humor. he’s a comedy genius because what he says is so unexpected most of the time but also so powerful. if shownu said like…”legs” i’d pee myself laughing bc something abt him is so fucking funny and endearing and goofy and HIS laugh itself makes me laugh too like …he invented comedy lmfao he’s absolutely not boring that’s a misunderstanding of his personality  he definitely needs to get comfortable somewhere before his real personality is revealed but he’s gotten a lot better at that which is why he’s been advancing through variety and im so proud of him for that and impressed

also adding to him being so endearing the members just genuinely adore him and i think when he went to law of the jungle a taxi took him to the location and ck said to the cab driver “take care of him/drive safely” which is very sweet and just shows like the Depth of their affection for him. everything he does the members just find so cool and funny and endearing and he brings them a lot of happiness

he’s also such a good fit for the group because he’s so CHILL like minhyuk cld be gnawing jooheon’s leg off while wonho fights changkyun over a piece of shrimp and hyungwon is getting dusted by kihyun and shownu’s like :) i love my family and HE LOVES THEM SO MUCH LMAO like he genuinely adores his members and you can feel that too like not even just things like him giving up lines (hw in beautiful) or splitting his commercial earnings among his team which he didnt even want kh to say but he imagines himself doing things with them in the future like going on trips and he really sees them as his friends/family rather than coworkers and it’s so lovely and beautiful he’s just so goddamn fond of them lol

also hyung line with each OTHER is so precious bc wonho is rly like a little happy kid around shownu n shownu is so calm n chill and wonho is like :DD hello!!! n shownu pretends he doesnt care asjfsafj  it’s so funny wonho is just going around hoping for shownu’s love like he said in that fansign note n shownu ignores him n teases him asfkjasf it’s so cute when shownu teases it’s so funny it rly shows just how fond he is and shownu always laughs when wonho laughs and humors him?? and by humors him i mean wonho babbles a lot n makes little silly side comments and if shownu is within hearing distance he always tries to reply to those and he makes wonho giggle and it’s precious and he listens and shownu just really Understands the member’s personalities like when he said he likes when mh talks a lot etc he understands them and just doesn’t want them to change bc he loves the way they are like i kno that sounds fake deep but it’s true…

wonho is just so cute…n youthful around shownu i love the dynamic it’s amazing how similar they are in age like a year apart n yet wonho seems so young around him and shownu just teases him n theyve known each other for a long time n are so comfortable with each other n they work out together like…we love strong muscle men with hearts of gold …also this is just random but wonho pronounces “shownu” so cute n also i love hearing shownu say hoseokie like it’s just adorable shownu always calls the memebrs by their real names n fogets to say the stage ones like   who is even calling changkyun “I.M.” at this point   who is that….

[loi-et-love]

I told Net Friend about BB’s call.

NF:  I want to know how you feel

NF:  Does he mean he told Shikh everything before but hasn't talked about you yet?

NF:  Cheated???

NF:  I admit my head is strained by his logic.  Of not leaving Dan because he would be doing that to you

I:  you know how they say that if i can leave A for you, i can leave u for soembody else

NF: yep

I:  That's his logic.

NF:  I understand it, but it feels weird

I:  He just feels that he doesnt want to do that. Be that person

NF:  You were pretty cold with him there.He pours out all this stuff, stuff you with he'd been talking about.  And you're "why bother with that now"

NF:  You could ask him why he did that.Cheated, I mean.  I mean you could ask him next time you talk Or text or whatever Seems like an important thing to know more about

NF:  What are you first thoughts and feelings about all this?

NF:  You don't have to have decided anything. No self-respecting person would stay with BB! That's what you said.

NF:  He's thinking you should get your LLM in the US?

NF:  He just finally was able to declare his love And you immediately go to "friends"? You may be right to do that But, poor guy

NF:  You're both talking about stuff that's impossible to know

NF:  He sounds like he thinks he is taking you up your offer.

I: what offer?

NF:  To be a couple. IMPLIED offer

I:  Yeah because i said "i love u too"?? God! i shouldn’t have said it, u mean?

NF:  Not saying that no. I think you are making it clear that you're not going to just run into his arms.That you're not ready to just be a couple. 

I:  Then what am I ready for?THat's true though. I am not going to just run into his arms. Not after all that shit he pulled.

NF:  Saying you love him isn't a promise to be his boyfriend. But it certainly encourages him to want to.

I:  He also said that I need to decide if I would waid for him. Because long distance isn't on the table and we are 1000 miles away from each other. And it would take time to be in the same place so would I wait?This is what he said in the middle of the phonen at the end he was like "why dont u come here" etc.. as if he wants this to happen NOW!!!

NF:  Yeah, he's feeling it now

NF:  You excited? Nervous? Happy? Angry? Numb?

I:  we havent talked about my issues and the baggage i bring to the table

NF:  You mean you and BB haven't?

I:  yeahWhen he said why am i so perfect. i did mention that i have issues too. lets not forget themthe fact that i have NEVER been in a relationship. IDK how to be in one.intimacy issuespsychological block about my vaginacommitment issuesim scared of ppl who love me bcz i dont want to disappoint thembcz thats what i do. i disappoint ppl who love me.i feel i can never reciprocate their loveidk how to yeah! call me stupid for wanting something with BB. i shouldve been happy when he friendzoned bcz thats the bestest decision he ever took!

NF:  You don't need to go there.  The "stupid for wanting something" part.  Just acknowledge that you are scared. Which I think you did. 

I:  I am scared. And he scared me even more with "what do you think will your mom be cool with me?" Huh?!!I wanted to say "noooooo she doesn't like you. She's fine till we r friends and all but you know.. she thinks you r not worth it. You deserve me"And I used the 'marriage' word for him to realize that dude u r freaking me out, maybe u should freak out a little too.. but he laughed! He laughed it off

NF:  Yeah, he was coming on REALLY strong.He thought you were waiting for that.

I:  Well.. I was mad with the friendzoned thing but why would I want to be with someone who rejected me?I Thought I already said that in the reply to his ocean sized love textAnd I meant it. I didn't say a thing in that text that I didn't mean or just to hurt him

NF:  He wasn't free to reciprocate before and now he is.That's a huge difference regarding everything, to him.

I:  Well I don't completely not want it. But now I'm in two minds. A part of me wants to be just friends because of the way we are n the other part of me wants more because of these feelings.Maybe I am going to get this. Because we cannot be together together til v r in the same place right?!!

NF:  I'm not sure what difference it makes since he's not here.Unless you are going to "wait for him" 

I:  Exactly Idk I can't process that right now. I don't want to process itI mean isn't it thst even he has to wait for me?It works both ways doesn't it?

NF:  Unless he feels like cheating

I:  HeheheheehheheheheheehNot funny. Don't freak me out more

NF:  Well you are 8000 miles away or whatever it isAnd someone else is going to be right there hugging himIt might be better to not wait for each other so he doesn't have to cheatJust an idea, not a recommendation

I:  See the whole point is. I never wanted any of this right? So I'll be in the stage for lifeWaiting or not, idk I don't decide that. It'll mostly happen on its own without me knowing about it

NF:  So you're suggesting that you just see what happens with BB if you two ever happen to be in the same country?

I:  Maybe. But i didn't exactly mean that.We'll see what happens if we r in the same country. If i want to be with him or not, I'll know then. I'll know then if i waited for him or not.Feelings may go away or they may stay or they may stay n still i wouldnt want to be with him. Who knows!

NF:  Maybe you'll meet a cute lawyer.

I:  heh And cheat on BB?

I:  he kept repeating a few things over n over i love you smell of your hair, skin soft my face im fucked up in my headidk. the smell of my hair?im smelling my hair right now

NF:  Your shampoo?

I;  god knows! n my soft skin? its pretty dry. i dotn use moisturizer. im lazy

NF:  You might be being too practical here

I:  he said this one thing too. i dont remember the context of it but i just remember two sentences "u r always with me n i am always with u"something... i interpreted it as the presence of me he feels..i think v r obssesed with each other n not in love

NF: heh

I:  he also said that he has been in love with me for a long time before i realized it for himhe said it came to him two years ago, but he's sure he loves me ever scne he met me or somethingwhen i said "u loved me when u were 14" n he said yeseven that freaked me out a littlea little. not as much as my mom being cool with him thing did

NF:  You are going to take weeks to process this

I:  i am still laughing reading all that i am telling uits funny to mei dont think i came out too strong did i?i dont think i can be this vulnerable.

NF:  As I said, you were a bit harsh on himI said cold

I:  he would use "feeling" word before, n now it has turned into "fell for you" or "in love with you" or "loving you"i am cold. and harsh n cruel when u hurt me.i dont control that parti cannot be sweet n kind. i cannot b a doormat.  u cannot hurt me n get away with it. u have to feel to wrath

NF:  It's probably his sense of honor that he couldn't say those things before when he was with Dan

I:  sense of honor. yeah.. sounds funny to me.. but makes senselast tiem we spoke. before i asked for a break, he wanted to call me 'honey' again

NF: wanted to?

I:  wanted to. he asked me when was the last time i called you honey?n i said doesnt matter. n he said it matters.. something something..so i said you can't. you wont'.n he asked i can't?i repeated u cant u wontok yeah.. i agree, im cold n harsh!when i become that, u r supposed to leave me alone. il be fine n normal after a while. thats the trick!

NF:  ha ha ha ha"Fine n normal" ha ha ha

I:  its truewhats so funny?

NF:  You get scared or hurt and get cold and push people away and then you are "fine n normal"That's funny

I:  i had to ask you.did u expect any of this?Any or all of the things BB said?

NF: no

I: good. so i m not the only one.

NF: *hug*

NF:  You don't have to process it nowDon't worry about thatHe's not going to show up at your door

I:  i hope he doesn'tdammit now i can imagine him at my door step with that grin on his face

NF:  Well, he might come home for a holiday I supposeOr when the term is over?Does he have a break before interning?

I:  he said he's not going to n thats y he came for two weeks durign christmas n new year holidaysi guess he doesntidk. i dont want him to come.im scared what will happen if he comes back, even if he's coming JUST to visit