#so i tried to set up an appointment with my psychiatrist bc ive been off my meds for what i assumed to be too long for a refill

[earthgh0st]

ok so update on my psychiatrist fucking me in the ass

[we-will-all-be-stories]

weli have like three followers and like i dont actually expect anyone to see this i just want to rant and since i dont really have many friends i dont realy know who to tell. 

my mothers really pissing me off for reasons that honestly i shouldnt have to be dealing with. 

a few weeks ago my parents finally took me to a real psychiatrist, after 2 years of therapy and month in a mental hospital. it was set to be a three hour appointment for an official evaluation and diagnosis of my anxiety and depression and whatever the fuck else is wrong with me (which i dont understand since ive already been diagnosed by two prior therapists, the ER psych ward psychiatrist, and my psychiatrist at the mental hospital i was at, i dont see the need for anouther diagnosis of the same issues). okay, cool, whatever, obviously i’m panicking, not from the actual topic but just talking to someone in general (also my parents never leave the room b/c they think that i’ll just sit there and go non verbal, or as they believe, choose not to talk despite the fact that i have s.a.d. and was selectively mute growing up - i have non verbal episodes, it happens). well, essentially, i actually have no clue what happened in the room b/c after five minutes, the psychiatrist decided that i wasnt useful and i was too anxious to be productive and was sent out of the room. i sat in the waiting room for two hours continuosly calling and texting my mom to let me back on the room while i had a panic attack in the waiting room and slowly fell into a sensory overload from all the noises because the office is in a child pediatrics building and children are fucking loud. after two hours i’m left back into the room where the doctor tells me my diagnosis, my parents pay, and we leave.

i wasnt even present for my own evaluation. i get that he’s trained, but my parents no shit about how i feel, theres no way they can tell him. and furthermore, yeah, i’m anxious, but thats not the only thing i live with, yet its the only thing anyone will offer me help for. 

im used to being sent out of rooms. people dont have enough pacience and ust assume i can control this. i was sent out of the room during my 504 accomadation meeting at school too, you know, the “you’re child tried to kill themself, heres an extra day for classwork hope it helps” meeting. 

but heres the problem now. i have sensory issues to the point that putting on a pair of socks sends me into a panic b.c of the seams - a “bad touch” makes me break down crying - a flickering light burns my eyes - someone coughing feels like someone sceaming in my ear drums. and no matter what i tell my parentsm they dont understand how bad it is. 

apparently they mentioned it to the doctor, whose response was to get me an asd evaluation. okay, sure. its not like my old therapist hadnt been telling my mom to get my evaluated for asd and sesory proccessing dosorder, its not like my father works with psychiatrists who work with autistic kids everyday who has been telling my dad to get me evaluated. 

so finally my mom emailed my school counsler about the evaluation. she said that the school doesnt have the resources to do so. 

okay

i went to my moms office to print out my essay, and she had her email open to my section. (she organizes her email by topic, she has a group of emails under my name). im a bitch and decided to look at the emails. she emailed my school saying that she is “sure i dont have autsim” but that my doctor is making her ask about an evauation. 

the school wrote back saying that refuse to test me because that would require an iep rather than just a 504. the school psychiatrist essentially refuses to test students “simply for a diagnosis” and that my education and grades must be severely impacted by my issues. listen, no one gets a psych evaluation simply for a diagnosis. you literally cannot get the help you need w/out a diagnosis. mental health affects you in all aspects of your life, not just school. so many students cannot go to therapists or psychiatrists and rely on school resources. furthermore, my education is impacted by my issues - how can i get work done when the loud classroom make me want to scream? but the school and my parents dont know this, yet refuse to let me advocate for myself. 

no one wants to have a certain diagnosis, you need it to get help. my psychiatrist has said he is 99% i have asd, however he cannot give me a diagnosis, and my school refuses to test me because i’m “too good a student” and i’m slowly dying. 

also im not a good student. i have an e in math, a d in government, i failed engineering bc the class was so god damn loud and anxiety creating. my education is impaacted.

when it comes down to it, to be honest, so much of this has to do with the stigma regarding mental health in general, and especially regarding autism. people are so scared to have an autsitic kid - i’m 15 years old, if you can love me w/out the diagnosis, you can love me with it. i’m the same kid. My mother grew up with an autistic brother yet she still wouldnt want an autistic child. schools assume that an autistic student cant be functioning without special classes and a helper and a bunch of accomadations - some people need that, others don’t. it doesnt matter b/c everyone is entitled to the resources neccessary to thrive, and everyine should be treated fairly. 

im a kid who grew up non verbal, ive had social skills drilled into my head by therapists bc i apparently “didnt have them���. up until this year i had good grades, i flew under the radar and suffered, and when i finally reach out for help, everyone is refusing it because they think i’ve already gotten enough.