#so i js wish they could fuck off and . leave me alone.

[hershey-not-the-chocolate-maybe]

everything fucking sucks

[dovveri]

could you love me while i hate myself?

synopsis: y/n, nayeon, momo, and sana are in a polyamorous relationship. momo walks in on y/n self-harming for the first time in 7 months. they all try and talk and work through this together.

warnings: we got depression, suicidal ideation, self-harm (cutting), blood, sexual references, cursing - also this is poly!namosa if ur not into that but i love getting comfort from everyone i love so

w/c: 6.9k

a/n: sooo i wrote this in a day bcs im utilising my #depression as inspiration and lwk we love writing as a coping mechanism - i’m so fine tho i just need my meds to start working again LMAO and they will vvvv soon trust - but in the meantime i can pump out the sad stuff hehe! lwk forgot abt boo and dobby until like halfway thru writing this IM SO SORRY #fakefan and i wasn't bothered to write them back in so they js don't exist here oops!

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fuck. fuck fuck fuck. the thoughts were coming. you wake up hazily, dream forgotten, arms wrapped around nayeon, legs entangled with the three people you loved most in the world. you don't deserve them. shut up!

you shut your eyes, trying to will away the thoughts. they were always there, always in the back of your head, always nagging, telling you that you didn't deserve to live, that you were a worthless piece of flesh born only to cause others suffering, or born with no purpose at all. there's no point to it all. just die. they'd be better off without you. they'd be happier without you.

you feel tears prick the corners of your eyes. it was so loud. you needed them to be quiet. to return to the depths of your mind. you curl in closer to nayeon, trying to breathe in the scent of her to distract you, feeling sana's breath on your hand, listening to momo's soft snores, they were the only thing grounding you. they pity you. that's why they've stuck around for so long. they know if they left you you'd break. they don't love you. it's pity. they'd be happier together. just the three of them. they didn't need you. you needed them. you were a burden to them. you need to leave so they can be happy. you want the best for them don't you? SHUT UP.

you couldn't take it anymore, you slowly unwrap yourself from your girlfriends. slipping your arms from around nayeon's waist and pulling your legs away from the mess of limbs. you look back at them, sleeping peacefully, watch their chests rise up and down with each breath, it's bittersweet. you had so much love for them. you turn around again and slip out the door, closing it softly behind you.

you pad softly towards the bathroom, entering it quietly and sighing, looking at yourself in the mirror. dark circles under red eyes, messy hair, disgusting. look at you. how could anyone love you? the thoughts were louder in the bathroom. almost echoing off crisp white walls. your grip on the sink tightens, you tear your gaze away from the mirror, letting your tears fall into the sink silently. why did i have be born like this? born like this? honey you're not different. everyone else is able to cope fine with trauma, with all the shit that happens in the world. you're just weak. weak, crying little bitch who can't deal with a couple sad emotions. don't think you're special. you're not. why can't i feel normal? you're not normal. you never will be. you'll always be that weird kid on the playground that no one wants to play with. grow up and get used to it already. why won't you leave me alone? i can't leave you alone. i am you. you are me. we're stuck together.

your head's splitting, you don't even realise you're crouched in on yourself now. hands gripping your head, nails digging into your scalp, anything to try and stop thinking. you wish you could just go back to sleep. sleep was easy. you didn't have to think when you were asleep.

that's right. sleep. sleep forever. run away from your problems. that's all you'll ever be good at right? running away. you ran away from your parents when they found out you were dating not one, not two, but three girls! whore! you left your brother and sister with them. they probably got the brunt of their anger. or maybe not. maybe they hate you too for being a fucking disappointment. it doesn't matter. they don't care about you. you left them. now leave your girlfriends. it'll be easier. leave. leave. run. do it.

your lip is trapped between your teeth. you're biting down so hard it draws blood. you're rocking yourself on the floor of the bathroom. pathetic. all you do is cry. grow up already. you can't take it. it was too much. you needed- needed-

you're reaching for the loose tile you know is second from the towel rack, opening it and finding your stash of emergency goods. you had meant to throw it away you just kept avoiding it and now... well you needed it now.

you take out a scalpel, go into the old routine of cleaning it down with an alcohol wipe, the motions that are familiar to you helping you drown out the thoughts already. they're still there though. they were always there. you'd be lonely without us wouldn't you? you actually enjoy being mentally ill don't you? take some sort of sick pleasure in it? is it comforting? it's easy to fall back into old habits isn't it?

once it's clean, you can see clearly again. you remove your pants, spreading your legs and look down at the scars that decorate the insides of your thighs. you take a breath, clearing your head as best you can, and bring the tip of the scalpel to start a new line.

the immediate relief when the blade enters your skin and you watch the scarlet liquid pour out of you is incredible. you're like an addict, drinking in the pain and using it to clear your mind. suddenly, the only sound you hear is the quiet of the bathroom and your own shallow breathing. you've never felt more at peace.

but it's only temporary. like everything is only temporary. seriously? this again? is this the best you can do to try and get rid of me? we talked about this you idiot. you're never getting rid of me. because we're the same. you just made yourself even uglier. congrats. good luck getting your girlfriends to ever touch you again after they see those.

fucking hell. you can't help it when your hands move to the start again, just under the new line you've created. you're about to push in again when you hear a gasp.

you look up in alarm, bloody scalpel in your hand, fresh cut on your thigh.

"m-momo."

"y/n- what-"

"it's not what it looks like i swear- fuck- oh my god- mo- please-" you're scrambling, trying to pull up your pants and cover yourself, dropping the scalpel onto the floor with a clang.

she's on you in seconds.

"no no sweetie it's okay i'm not- it's okay it's okay-" she's pulling you into a hug, and you start sobbing.

you're burrowing your head into her neck, sniffling and crying, she wasn't meant to find out. they were never meant to find out. now you've done it. good luck keeping them now. no way they're going to stay with you after this. better breathe her in while you can because she won't be yours in the morning.

you're squeezing her tight, crying and blabbering into her and she lets you. hushing and brushing through your hair, pressing light kisses along your forehead.

when she starts to pull away you panic, shaking your head against her, terrified she's leaving you and this is it.

"no sweetie i'm not going anywhere. i promise. we just gotta clean you up okay?"

she pulls away from you gently, opening the cabinets next to the sink to grab the first aid kit and comes down to sit next to you.

your sobs have ceded but you can't bear to look at her, staring down at the ugly scars on your legs.

"can i?" momo makes a gesture towards your legs and you shrug, moving closer to her so she can work.

she's quiet when she cleans the wound, focused.

you idiot you stupid fucking idiot. she hates you she thinks you're so gross and-

"do the others know?"

you don't trust your voice to speak so you shake your head.

"is this why you never let us touch you?"

you blush bright red, gripping the bottom of your shirt.

"you know we wouldn't have judged right?"

the tears are coming back, you feel them building up in your neck again, clogging it up, choking you.

"i'm sorry if we made you feel like we would have." momo's voice breaks then, and you look up. momo wasn't one to cry. sana tended to be the more emotional one, nayeon and momo cried too, just less often and definitely more private, momo just took a little longer to come to conclusions sometimes.

"y-you didn't." your voice is croaky when you speak up.

she sniffles a little, finishing cleaning and grabbing the bandages.

"a-are you mad?"

she sighs. "not mad. just... confused."

"i-i- i'm sorry. i'm sorry i didn't tell you guys i didn't- i thought you would think- i thought you might leave or think i'm too much or i don't know i-"

she finishes wrapping the bandage around your thighs, looking up at you then, her eyes shiny. "i could never leave you y/n. i love you. all of you. you, nayeon, and sana are my family."

you're crying again now, hands coming up to wipe at your tears. she gently helps you put your pants back on then pulls you into another hug, breathing shakily as she lets herself cry as well.

you cling onto her shirt, the confirmation that she was still here and she still loved you grounded you.

you both sit on the bathroom floor there, tightly wound around each other. you memorise the way her breathing comes in and out, focusing on the little hiccups, every single movement. it was quiet.

she pulls away from you, hands coming up to cup your cheeks, thumbs swiping along them. "do you want to talk about it?"

you shake your head.

"do you want to come back to bed then?"

you think a little, "i might sleep in the guest room tonight. i don't really... it's not that i don't want to sleep with you guys, i just-"

"is it okay if i join you in the guest room then?"

you look surprised, "why?"

"it's okay if you don't want me to. i just want to be with you if that's okay. to make sure you're safe for one, but also just because..." she sniffs, pushing a strand of hair behind your ear gently, "i love you and i want to make sure you sleep well."

the tears well up again. "of course. it's not you i just- i don't want sana and nayeon to find out like this."

momo nods, pressing a gentle kiss onto your nose, "i understand. do you want anything before bed? water? a snack?"

you smile tiredly against her, still in a sort of disbelief she was still here. "i'm okay. let's go to bed."

momo nods again, standing up and pulling you with her, but she stops again suddenly, looking down, "does it hurt?"

you wince, "not really. i mean the point is kinda for it to hurt." your eyes widen when momo frowns, "but it doesn't! not anymore i mean. i kinda got used to it." her frown deepens, "i mean no not like that! like- well yes- but-"

"it's okay y/n. i want to know these things. if you're okay with sharing them." she's sincere when she looks at you, and then she's pulling you along towards the guest room. your heart drops a little when you pass by the master bedroom, thinking of nayeon and sana sleeping peacefully inside, wrapped around each other blissfully unaware, but momo squeezes your hand and you look back towards her, following her into the guest room.

she turns on the lamp light and starts removing all the extra pillows and everything that were only really there for decoration. once she's done, she starts ushering you into bed and you laugh a little at her earnestness, "you don't have to treat me any different momo. i'm still the same person."

she frowns, climbing into bed after you, "i just found out about a massive part of your life that you've been hiding from us. you're not the same person to me. not when i've only known half of you."

you still at that, unable to look her in the eye as she fumbles around with the blanket, covering both of you and then sliding an arm over your side.

"i'm sorry." you whisper once she's turned off the light and snuggled in close to you.

she takes a breath, "you don’t have to be sorry. i'm here now. i'm sorry it took me so long. but i'm here now. and i'm not leaving."

"even if i'm not the same person to you anymore?"

she finds your eyes in the darkness, "y/n i didn't mean it like that. i fell in love with half of you. i just found out there's another half that i can also love now. you're the same person, you just have more to you than we knew. and i want to know more about that so i can be a better girlfriend for you."

"you already are a great girlfriend."

she sighs, a hand trailing down your back, drawing random shapes, you curl in closer to her.

"i wanted to throw it all away. i wanted to tell you all. i just-"

she hums, letting you think out your words, continuing to trace patterns into your back, eyes locked on yours.

"it was hard. and i didn't think i'd need to say anything because i was doing good. i hadn't done it in so long. i don't know why today i just- i lost control again."

"y'know nayeon would say just because you haven't done it in so long doesn't mean you were better. it just means you stopped thinking about it but that didn't get rid of the problem. which is why eventually the problem came back."

you smile at her, poking her cheek, "you've been hanging out too much with nayeon."

momo whines, "we're girlfriends! of course i hang out with her!"

"you're right though. i'm sorry. i stopped cutting when we all started dating. i think i got swept up in all the excitement and the love but once the novelty wore off and i grew more comfortable with being in a relationship with all of you, some of the bad thoughts started to come back."

"what sort of bad thoughts?"

"...like that i'm not good enough for you- or that the three of you would be happier without me, or that i don't want to... that i didn’t deserve to live or that it’d be better if i wasn’t- y’know… alive-"

you can see the shine in momo's eyes and feel your own start to well up again while you talk. she lets you speak though, just lays there, stroking your back softly while listening to you.

when you're finished its quiet save for the occasional sniffle from either of you.

"do you still think that? that you're not good enough for us?"

you hum contemplating whether to be honest or to try not to hurt her, you decide you’ve hurt her enough and it was time to be honest, she was still here after all, she wasn’t going to leave you, "...yeah."

she's pressing her lips gently against yours, barely there, almost as if she's asking permission, and you press against her softly back to say yes. you can taste the salt of her tears in the kiss, its short, reassuring. you break away with a tender smile.

"i can't speak for the others. but i don't think we could work if we weren't the four of us. you know that sana and i tried to date when we were younger right? and it didn't work out? because we always felt like there was something missing. but once we all got together, it feels right to love each other like this. i think it'd be the same if you left. i think it'd feel like something was missing and i wouldn't be able to stay either. i'm not saying that to pressure you into staying like a 'if you leave i leave' kinda thing. i'm just saying that you are needed in this relationship and i don't think we would be happier without you, i don't even think we'd work without you, without any one of us."

god you didn't deserve her. you loved her so much.

"and the other stuff... we don't have to talk about that now but... if you're open to it in the future, i want to help you find some outside help if that's okay? you don't have to answer me now, just think about it, because i want to help, but i don't think we can do this alone."

you nod, lips quivering while she smiles at you, noses touching.

"thank you momo."

"of course sweetie. i love you."

"i love you too. so much."

she pecks you again, then places your hand over her chest, and you can feel the calm thumps of her heart.

she closes her eyes, lips only centimetres apart, you follow her lead, focusing on the feeling of her heartbeat rather than the thoughts, letting that fill your head, and slowly, you drift back into sleep.

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you wake up with a dull sting on the inside of your thighs. you curse internally when you realise that it was because you had self-harmed for the first time in months. but then you feel a familiar hand tracing lines down your back, and the smell of soft peaches and you recall that momo had found you cutting yourself. but the way she's tracing your back means she's still here and she hasn't left and that you're still okay.

momo realises you're awake, moving her hand to your hair and brushing the pieces that have fallen over your face. "hi sweetie."

"mm morning. what time is it?"

she giggles a little, "its 5pm actually. i didn't want to wake you. nayeon and sana should be back home soon."

you startle, "what?! 5pm?! where did they go? did they-"

"shh shh no it's okay. i woke up early and made everyone breakfast. when they came in they asked where you were. i told them you slept in the guest bedroom because you weren't feeling well. they wanted to see you but i told them to let you rest. i don't think you should hide this from them for much longer though y/n."

you sigh, relaxing back into her embrace, "i know. i'll tell them when they get back." you can feel the anxiety beginning to chip away at you as soon as the words leave your mouth. you'd thought about it before in the past, about how they'd react. on the worst end of the spectrum, they'd leave you, thankfully momo hasn't done that yet. and realistically you don't think nayeon and sana will either. but there was always that fear in the back of your head. it was more likely that sana would feel hurt and start crying and nayeon would get angry that you didn't trust them with the information. both of which you didn't really want to deal with because you didn't want to cause any of them any negative emotions. but if you didn't tell them, it would mean forcing momo to keep a secret for you and have her constantly go around on tip-toes while worrying over you. it wouldn't be fair and you’d essentially be self-sabotaging your own relationship.

momo breaks you out of your thoughts when she uses her hand to rap lightly against your forehead, "what's going on in there sweetie?"

you shake her off giggling and she smiles, "nothing i'm just thinking about how to tell them is all."

"do you want me to be there?"

you look up at her, her eyes are sincere and caring, you could stare into them for the rest of your life, "yes please, if that's okay with you."

momo squeezes you against her even tighter, planting a kiss on your forehead and murmuring against it, "of course it's okay with me. i'd love to be there."

you smile against her, reminded of your eternal gratefulness and love you have for her, before your stomach starts to growl and you pull away embarrassed while momo starts to laugh that adorable, contagious laugh of hers.

you whine, climbing out of bed as she toddles along behind you, still laughing when you enter the bathroom.

you pick up your toothbrush and start to brush your teeth when you notice that the bathroom's been cleaned up since last night. there's no more blood on the floor and you look briefly over at momo who's standing on that tile looking at you carefully, the hint of a laugh still on her face.

"youscdonthaftawatchmeyknow."

she giggles when some toothpaste dribbles out of your mouth, tilting her head indicating she didn't catch what you said.

you spit out the toothpaste and repeat yourself, "you don't have to watch me y'know."

"i know."

you squeeze some of your facial wash into your hand, staring at her in the mirror when she doesn't move, still looking at your reflection with a gentle smile.

you shrug, closing your eyes and beginning to wash your face. you go through all the motions of your morning routine, and when you finish up and turn around to wipe your hands on the hand towel, she's still standing there watching you.

you clear your throat, leaving the bathroom and moving towards the kitchen. you hear her footsteps padding along behind you.

she overtakes you once you reach the kitchen, going towards the fridge and pulling out a few things. you sit at the kitchen benchtop and watch her reheat a few dishes that she must have made for breakfast and lunch.

"where did nayeon and sana go?"

"to the shops. we were meant to go check out that new bakery together in the city but i figured may as well let you rest, we can go another day."

"oh crap i'm so sorry i forgot! i would've woken up i'm so sorry-"

"it's okay sweetie don't worry. they were both fine to reschedule, they were more concerned about you than missing out on the bakery."

"why didn't you go out shopping with them?"

"i wanted to stay home with you."

"i was asleep."

momo hums, taking the food out of the microwave, "i didn't mind. here." she sets a bowl of sundubu jjigae in front of you and then goes to scoop out a bowl of rice from the rice cooker as well. you spent a lot of the last 24 hours crying but you can't help the tears that well up in you again at the smell. this was one of the first dishes momo made for the four of you when you moved in together.

"do you want me to feed you?" momo's joking as she slides the bowl of rice over, but when you look up at her and she realises you're crying she quickly panics, "i mean i can! if you want!" she's frantically rummaging for a spoon and scooping out some rice and stew and holding it out to you.

you laugh, wiping at your eyes with your sleeve, adoring the way she tilts her head like a confused puppy in bewilderment, a small pout appearing on her lips.

you lean up and take the spoonful into your mouth, chewing and swallowing before leaning across to peck her on the lips. "i just love you is all you idiot."

momo blushes and you take the chance to grab the spoon from her and start eating the meal yourself.

she pouts and is about to whine when you both hear the door open, the telltale sign of keys jangling and the happy chattering of your other two favourite people in the world.

"momo! we got that ice cream y/n likes but i still don't think it's a good idea for her to eat it if she's sick!" nayeon's yelling from the door, probably taking off her shoes and you can hear a short squeal and something crash followed by laughter and you know sana has probably knocked something down or fallen over.

you raise your eyebrows at momo who shrugs and grins sheepishly, grabbing nayeon and sana's mugs and filling them with water.

when they come into the kitchen all loud and giggles its a sight for sore eyes. nayeon's kissing momo hello and setting the bags of shopping they have down. sana rounds the corner with more bags and that infectious smile. you loved all of them so much.

nayeon spots you first, frowning and walking over to you immediately, placing the back of her hand on your forehead. "hey baby, sorry to hear you weren't feeling well last night. are you feeling better now?"

you blush, nodding your head, your mouth still full of food.

sana's next to bound over to you once she's kissed momo in greeting as well, wrapping her arms around your shoulders and kissing the top of your head, "we missed you today. i got you this top i think would be really cute on you though! and momoring we also got you one of those draw-on shirts but we thought we could turn it into a date or something so we have four!" she's rummaging through her bags, producing items of clothing and talking about each one with her endless energy.

you swallow your food and look up at nayeon who has a fond smile on her face while watching sana, when she notices you looking at her she smiles and leans down to brush her lips against yours.

"wait... you're not sick with anything contagious are you...?"

"what if i was?"

she's squealing, running behind the counter before momo laughs and hands her the mug of water she filled and urging her to drink it. she also passes sana her mug who kisses her again in thanks.

you hum in content, happy to be around the people you loved most. its almost as if... they'll leave you. you don't deserve them. this is all temporary. don't get comfortable. you clench your spoon a little tighter, trying to will away the thoughts as you shove another spoonful into your mouth, focusing on the taste and the love behind the person who made it for you.

"-and i almost fell into the fountain and she just stood there and laughed at me!"

look at them enjoying themselves. you’re the odd one out. the one who’s about to break everyone’s happy mood.

you can make out nayeon's cackle, "in my defense! it was pretty funny! you had all your bags and everything and you threw your phone at that little boy!"

"wait sana you did what?"

you should just leave. leave them. look how happy they are without you. all you bring is sadness and anger. you can’t give them anything they’d want. what could you offer them?

"momoringg!! don't join her in this! he pushed me!"

"yeah because you were trying to steal his girlfriend!"

useless. hopeless. there’s nothing you can do. you can’t get anything right. not your job, not your friends, they’ll realise soon enough you know? that they’re better than you. that they’re too good for you. then it’ll be them leaving you. do it first before they realise that and break your heart.

"i was not!"

"that definitely sounds like you actually."

"y/n! you're on my side right?"

you look up in a daze, confused at what the context of the conversation was. "sorry?"

momo's frowning, trying to meet your eyes but you avoid her, looking at sana who's pouting, "were you listening? are you okay y/n?"

"y-yeah sorry i was just- just thinking about something. can you tell me the story again?"

suddenly sana's all in your space, basically climbing into your lap and cupping your cheeks with her hands, squinting at you. "what were you thinking about?"

you blush immediately, "oh y-y'know, just work."

"work's more important than me?"

"no sana i didn't mean it like that i'm sorry. of course work isn’t more important than you. can you tell me the story again? i'll listen this time i promise."

sana hums, nudging her nose against yours gently, "i'll tell you if you tell me the truth."

"what truth?" you feign indifference.

you can tell nayeon is looking at momo, asking for an explanation with her eyes but momo shrugs, turning away and going towards the sink to do the dishes.

"we've been together for 7 months y/n. and i've known you for much longer than that. i can tell when you're lying honey."

you gulp, clutching the spoon tighter with your hands when you feel someone else, nayeon, unwrap your fingers gently and take the spoon away, interlocking your fingers with hers instead.

you stand up quickly, unable to be interrogated at such close distance anymore. sana looks a little hurt when you do, pouting but letting you go. you look at nayeon who's eyeing you with a concerned curiosity. momo still has her back to all of you with the tap on but you can tell her shoulders are tense.

you rub the back of your neck in nervousness, avoiding all of their gazes. "u-um... i actually kinda... have something i needed to talk to you all about..."

you can feel the anxiety ramping up, the adrenaline and urge to run away pumping through you, your palms beginning to sweat.

momo saves you when she turns off the tap and wipes her hands clean, "let's all go to the living room and have some ice cream and we can talk about it yeah?"

you smile at her gratefully and she returns it, grabbing the ice cream nayeon and sana just brought back and a few spoons and bowls.

nayeon and sana exchange looks of confusion but help momo bring the utensils over and eventually you're all sitting on your couch in the living room with the television on for some background noise so it wasn't too awkward.

you fiddle with your hands, not looking at any of them while the random sitcom you have plays in the background. momo notices and grabs a hand, intertwining your fingers and squeezing gently, reassuring you that she was there.

you take a breath, clearing your throat and looking up at nayeon and sana.

"so i- um- i don't really know how to say this-"

"it's okay baby take your time. it's just us right?"

"yeah we're not going to judge you honey. we're here for you whatever this is okay?"

you take a shaky breath in, mumbling incoherently to yourself before deciding, "u-um it's probably a bit easier to s-show you." you let go of momo's hand and start to undo the tie at your pants.

"um... y/n if all you wanted was sex i think there were other ways to-" momo slaps nayeon who yelps, rubbing her arm where she was hit mumbling a "what?" but momo shushes her and gestures back to you.

you stand up and drop your pants, immediately feeling the cool breeze against your naked legs, shivering a little and fighting the urge to cover yourself. you stare down at your feet when you hear the little gasps. you decide to start talking, refusing to look up, "i'm sorry i made momo lie to you. i wasn't sick last night. i woke up and started thinking some… not so great things and i needed it to stop so i- um- i went to the bathroom where i hid some of my old stuff and i um- well-“ you awkwardly gesture at your thighs before continuing, “momo woke up and found me after the first cut. i would’ve kept going if she didn’t find me. she helped me clean up and bandage it and then i asked to sleep in the guest room because i didn’t want to um- i wasn’t ready to uh- to tell you guys yet- i’m sorry for keeping this from all of you for so long.“

when you’re done, you risk a glance up, and find the three loves of your life, tears running down their faces.

sana’s the first to move, she gets up and practically jumps over to you, but she stops short right before you touch, “c-can i- c-can i hug you?”

you smile at her, feeling your own tears well up at the sight of your three girlfriends crying. “of course darling. i’m still the same. i still love cuddling with you.”

she doesn’t give you a second thought and buries her head into your neck, wrapping her arms around your waist. you realise you’re still standing in the middle of the living room with your pants down which is a little absurd but you wrap your arms around her, sagging into her a little when she squeezes. you can feel her soft crying and the tears wet your neck.

nayeon stands and comes around as well, a little hesitant but you look at her and offer a wet smile and she breaks, enveloping the both of you in her arms as well with a muted sob. momo joins in as well because of course she does, you look at her gratefully as she sniffles, fiddling a little with her fingers before coming around behind you and moulding herself to your back, hands coming around your waist and holding onto sana’s hands, giving them a squeeze for reassurance as well.

you're surrounded with all the love you wanted. so why do you still want to die? you don't listen to that voice, pushing it down and trying to stay in the moment. eventually, someone breaks away, and you awkwardly shuffle your pants back on, glad to be able to cover up your scars.

nayeon speaks up first, a hand still holding yours, squeezing gently, "how long have you been... y'know-"

"since before i met you. the thoughts started getting really bad when i was still in high school. and all the pressure with doing well and all the extra curriculars i was picking up, it just got too much. the only thing that worked was the pain. it got me through high school, and i started to rely on it. but then... the first time i slept with someone... she was appalled. i had almost forgotten the scars were there until my pants were off. she got scared off and i told myself i wouldn't let anyone else see this side of me."

"baby..."

"it's okay. it got better after i met you guys. and when we all started dating i stopped. i felt happy." you smile up at your girlfriends, tears still streaming down your face, "being with all of you made me forget those things. but they came back. and worse this time because- because i have so much more to lose now. i can't- i can't lose you-" you can't control the sobs when you break down again. pathetic.

the girls are surrounding you instantly, whispering reassurances, brushing through your hair, tracing shapes into your skin, you try and focus on your bodily sensations rather than your internalisations, try and focus on them.

"we'd never leave you honey... we're not complete without you, you believe me right?" sana's tilting your face up to meet hers, her eyes are watery, nose red.

"i'm trying to believe you."

she places her forehead against yours and closes her eyes, sighing slightly, "i'm going to tell you that everyday from now. that i love you and that i'm not going anywhere. until you believe me." she smiles and tries for a joke, "you're going to have to deal with clingy me for the rest of your life."

you let out a broken laugh, kissing her sweetly. "i love when you're clingy anyway."

she laughs as well, wiping at her nose.

you peek at nayeon. you know she has more questions, the frown on her face and the little pout she has breaks your heart. you reach a hand out to her, she takes it after some consideration, and you pull her into your lap.

"you can ask anything. there's nothing off limits. i'll try answer everything i can and i promise i'll be honest with everything. that goes for the both of you as well." you look over at sana who's moved to your side to allow for nayeon to sit on your lap, she's got a hand on the eldest's waist, playing with her shirt, her other hand on your shoulder.

momo moves to your other side, lifting nayeon's legs and placing them on her own, tracing her calves and brushing a strand of your hair behind your ear.

nayeon's biting her lip, you focus on the small mole under her left eyebrow.

"w-why didn't you tell us?"

you sigh, "i didn't really think i needed to at first. because i hadn't done it in so long. i thought i was better."

"is it because you thought you couldn't trust us?"

"no baby that's not it."

"why did you keep your old stuff hidden then? when we moved in together? a part of you must have thought you weren't entirely better."

you bring a hand up to caress her cheek, she leans into the touch. "you're right. i'm sorry."

"is it still here?"

you look towards momo for an answer and she nods, "i didn't want to throw everything away. i wanted you to make that decision on your own. i thought that if we forcefully got rid of your things you might just try and hide it from us the next time the feelings come up. it's there but i... i don't really like the idea of leaving you alone y/n..."

nayeon's squeezing one of momo's hands, "pretty baby's so smart. i'm thankful you found her momo."

you nod in agreement, "is that why you kept following me around?"

momo nods shyly, her eyes still wet.

"i'm okay with that. i don't- i don't really trust myself right now either. i think it'd be good if someone was with me. if that wasn't... a burden or anything of course..."

sana jumps in, "honey no. you're not a burden. i hope you don't think that about yourself. i love taking care of you. i'd love being able to be there for you while you get better."

you smile at her gratefully.

"what are some of the bad thoughts you have baby?" nayeon's bringing your attention back to her, you can tell she's struggling to formulate these questions. but you're glad that she's asking them.

"a lot of it is about you guys. because you're all the reason i'm still here today."

"what about us? what can we do sweetie?"

you shake your head, looking down at your hands which are quickly taken ahold of by momo and sana. "i guess it comes down to... wondering if you can still love me while i hate myself." your grip tightens around their hands.

"you hate yourself?" nayeon's voice is shaky now, she's trying her best to hold back her emotions, wanting to find out everything she can do for you.

you nod, tears dropping onto her pants.

"there's this song. i think- i think it might be easier to play that for you guys if that's okay? i'm not really- i don't really know how to talk about this..."

they nod and quickly try and find your phone. momo finds it and hands it over to you. you quickly unlock it and search for the song you're looking for. could you love me while i hate myself - zeph.

you press play, clicking into the lyrics and staring at them to avoid looking at your girlfriend's reactions. it's a short song.

could you love me while i hate myself?

could you love me though i don't deserve it?

could you love me like there's no one else

even though you know i can't return it?

could you love me when the water's rough?

or when i leave you in a desert?

could you love me, though i speak with knives?

knowing all to well that you'll get hurt

if you can't answer 'yes' just go

i'm more trouble than i'm worth

could you love me while i hate myself?

because i don't know how this works

i never learned how this works

when it ends, you awkwardly tap out of your app, putting your phone down.

"thank you for sharing that baby."

you hum.

nayeon takes a shaky breath in, then quietly asks, "is it okay if i sing for you?"

you're surprised, looking up at her, her eyes are red. you nod.

she closes her eyes, humming a note to start, taking a breath in again and steadying her voice.

i'll love you while you hate yourself

i'll love you because you deserve it

i'll love you like i love us together

until you're ready to return it

i'll love you when things get rough

no matter where you leave us

i'll love you even when you're

working out all your thoughts

i'll get hurt if it means

some of your pain comes onto me

i'll love you while you hate yourself

and we'll figure out how it works

together we'll learn to get better

when she finishes and opens her eyes, you're sniffling again, tears streaming out of your eyes.

sana's the first to speak up, bringing her hands up to wipe at the tears on nayeon's cheeks, "our little musical genius. of course you came up with a response exactly on pitch after listening to a song once."

nayeon lets out a broken laugh, leaning into sana's touch.

you meet her eyes, a bright smile gracing your face, and you probably look a little silly, wet cheeks and red nosed with tears still dripping out of you, but nayeon laughs again in relief, coming in and kissing you.

you kiss her back gratefully, trying to convey how much you loved her in your action. you can feel sana's hand on your arm and momo's fingers in your hair. you loved them.

the thoughts are still there. you think they’ll always be there. but you don’t have to take them on on your own anymore. it would take time, but the people you loved were going to help you through it. you needed to put some trust in them as well, trust that they wouldn't leave, trust that they loved you just as you loved them, you wanted to get better, for them and for yourself, you believed you could get better with their help, for now, that was enough.

⸸

an extra a/n bcs its important: hi! i recognise that all experiences are unique so i just wanted to say the descriptions here aren’t meant to be generalised and i didn’t intend to write any stereotypes or misconceptions and i apologise if i have - i try to draw upon my own experiences to be able to write - in saying that i hope that anyone who feels they relate to similar themes etc seeks the help they need from professional sources - my dms are open ofc but i am not a professional and it is best to speak to someone who can help you in real time and in physicality. stay safe love y’all practice some self care today if u get the chance! <3

[demontime09]

Faded- Chris Sturniolo

..•●°☆☆☆°●•..

Chris is a drug dealer/stoner who is barely ever around. He doesn't seem to care about Charlotte unless he's plastered or high.

Does she have the heart to leave this toxic "relationship" or will chris prove he loves Char as much as she loves him?

Literally do not understand how to work Tumblr, so bear with me🙁 hope yall enjoy tho :3

☆☆☆��

"What in the fuckity fuck" I mutter. My fingers fumbling around, my face hardened with concentration.

He'd be here in 15 minutes. I've been working for an hour. "For fucks sake!" I say throwing it down. My eyes strain, I rub them with my palms. I drag my hands down irritatingly slow, pulling my skin and sniffing. I feel the need to cry burn at the back of my throat, quickly coughing it back down.

It's really no big deal. I know what he'll do when he walks in. He'll see me trying to make him happy, and he'll hug me, thank me, and stay with me, right? Chris has had his issues, but who hasn't? He's a loving, caring boyfriend when he wants to be. Although he doesn't like it too much when I call him that. He prefers a no strings attached type of thing, and he won't call me his girlfriend unless we see my family. I never complain though. This is how it is.

He walks in. I see him set his stuff down, groaning, rubbing his eyes and..

He's high.

He brushes past me

"Sorry ma, I gotta I dunno.. sell some stuff, I'll see you. " He gives me a sorry excuse of a kiss. His hot breath and the stench of weed completely turning me off. He didn't even notice my sorry attempt at fixing his broken watch. Sometimes, I wish he could be different. I'd ask him to be different, to change. But I might lose him. He's said before he likes how I don't try to change him. How I let him be him.

And even though I spend most nights alone, nothing but my imagination and my hands. Even though he's almost never sober, even though sometimes i can't stand him, even though he forces me to smoke with him, he's still my Chris. Who doesn't have a couple of flaws?

Author note or wtv :3

This was basically js an intro idk but we got juicy stuff coming soon😈😈

[hoonvrs]

I can't stop crying omg. I don't wanna sing. I dont want this friendship. Whenever I talk to someone about her, without even knowing her ppl say it's toxic. But I can't stop being friends with her even if I wanted to. Our parents are friends, so are our other relatives. We are apart of a friend circle wherein everyone's parents know eachother. I really can't stop being friends with her. The only way I could do that is change schools and moving away. We'd still be in contact but it would end at some point. I know it's selfish I'm looking forward to the downfall of our friendship but I've endured a toxic one all my life it's just not fair. I just wish I could stand up for myself and could tell her to stfu and leave me alone so we could drift away. Why is it so hard.

-🌜

i think you could try to lessen your contacts slowly. maybe try making new friends, going out with others without her, try silencing your phone and notification then when she text js say like ‘sorry i’ve been so busy i missed your msg’ or ‘my phone is alw on dnd so that’s why i nvr reply on time’. distance between you will keep your friendship civil in a way but not close enough where it drains you anymore. basically slowly make her into a stranger without her being able to push herself back in

and for singing fuck that don’t go and or js bomb it so ur parents get off your back about it

[arillusionist]

reaction to the last 3 eps of s&b - im doing it all at once bc i wanna get it over with considering im gonna be rlly sad watching these knowing we'll never get a real ending.

also YES i was heartbroken over the cancellation even tho i hadnt finished the show. im emotionally attached to the books okay!! leave me alone

oh this is the hallucination scene i've heard too much about

the fucking BUTTERFLIES

bye not wylan's overly dramatic ass

"a village boy cut in half by a plow blade" isnt that literally what happened to kaz's dad

"hope is an illusion. a lie" hes such a kaz ripoff

oh i didnt think tolya had a hallucination i've never heard anyone talk about it

whos blood is that im gonna guess tamar

why am i so smart like

if they rush jesper's developement with one hallucination im gonna be mad

what happened i cant tell. he better not have rejected her again or whatever ugh theyre so cute tho

WOW i love how they always go from established relationships to some angsty kanej scene.

love how he doesnt stare at her lovingly or shit hes just fucking glaring she knows her man fr

oh never mind the soft voice is crazy

uh ya i didnt want to make assumptions until now but making inej's hallucation about kaz was Not it.

like in a way ik its about how she wants consent but its mainly so she can leave kaz at the end of the show kaz kaz kaz its always about kaz

this is why we needed the spinoff they couldve FIXED it

"erm they shouldnt have done it wrong in the first place" how righteous of you unfortunately im too emotionally attached to the characters so i wish they had another chance

ok bad choice aside her realizing its not real bc she knows kaz could never be like that or even try is kinda heartbreaking!! 🙂

oh hell no did she eat the fucking butterfly i thought it was the petal at first 🤡

"if you have no one left to fight for" and then cutting to inej aaaa

no the way his eyes softened and the way inej stroked his face w her thumb ... and then he realized

okay thank god cuz for a second i thought the crows were gonna js be dead the entire episode

hes the firebird what the fuck?? (sorry chat i havent finished r&r yet)

why does that kinda downplay malina like knowing that they're meant for each other cuz of destiny or some shit

then again they never had to fall in love just find each other they did the romance part on their own

where tf is kaz

oh what the fuck. this scene is so messed up (Talking abt the one where the darkling is holding baghra)

my laptop's screen time is almost up so i must pause unfortunately. i could watch on my phone but thats boring so

uhm so its been 3 days have i been stalling?? maybe 🙂 can you blame me??

is that old guy her husband?? uh

seeing kaz smile for more than a fleeting one second is so unnatural

oh my god oh my god is her whole speech about love not being a weakness gonna make kaz realize something

wow okay they did rush jesper's development with one hallucination

toyla is the #1 wesper shipper fr ‼️‼️💪🏽

"someday someone is going to sweep you of your feet so hard" haha nikolai

"me and my "slab or fur" will be far away, off the map, deep in love" uh babe i hate to tell you this..

not kaz shaking his head at wesper as if hes not the reason theyre together 💀

see here they go butchering inej's character again!!

like. in the books she realizes she needs to let go of kaz because she finds her purpose - hunting slavers. in this she just realizes it because of some fuckass hallucination which was about him Why Is It Always About Him

cant tell if im slightly relieved that they cancelled the spinoff because they might have ruined her more or more mad that they cancelled it because they couldve fixed it

i am eating the malina angst up 🗣️🗣️(not bc i dont like them i do like them thats why i need them to be sad. all my favorite ships need angst)

ooh he knows he knows abt mal

next episode except i have to sleep so im probably gonna watch like 2 minutes of it. but i'll try to finish this and the last one tmrw because the more i delay it the sadder i get about the cancellation though my brain wants me to believe otherwise

she (the tidemaker girl idk her name) looks so ready to punch him like yeah girl me too

help the grin on that one girls face when he says kill the king

ok 2 minutes r over so bye

and im back its only the next day also the deleted footage oh my god im on the floor?? plus the fact that it got "what business" trending on twitter with 33k tweets is so fucking funny to me

anyways.

bye i jumped when the darkling showed up in mal's room why do the smallest fucking things always scare me

oh ya theyre cousins. alina has a type huh

mal would kinda get along with inej i can feel it!!

wait whos the arm for also david is lwk smooth wow

they keep mentioning the crows but WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY its been almost 20 minutes 😐

why that is the only tamar and nadia moment all season like not that i was expecting more from netflix but Still

oh thats the last line from the book (i havent finished r&r yet but i skipped to the end as i do with every book so. lol 💀)

omg matthias i kinda thought he wouldnt show up again

oh god i feel like this show has such a lighting problem sometimes

its bad enough that i have no idea whats going on in general

INEJ

INEJ I MISSED YOU

she gotta stop bowing down to alina she is as much of a saint

did they kill off david and genya wtf

i have to pause for a bit bc my laptop needs to charge also i still have no idea whats going on

back

no theyre (david and genya) alive yay 🙏🏽🙏🏽

what the fuck is he doing

oh OHH now theyre killing him off. how could they do that to genya

the other crows are here FINALLY

when ur entire onscreen developemnt is literally 5 minutes 😍😍👍🏽👍🏽

no i will not stop being salty about jesper. fuck you

"well if you dont die we dont get paid" shdjfk

zoya inej nina the friendship i needed

wow what a beautiful and touching moment. it feels anticlimatic but okay 🙂‼️😐👍🏽‼️💪🏽🤡🗣️🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️😭🙏🏽💪🏽🗣️

oh nvm. i keep forgetting this isnt the last episode

is that a giant CROW

lol of course it isnt

okay now its the last episode :')

"yes my man! oh we havent actually put a label on it" bye that is so jesper of him

oh. wow. she actually did it.

at least inej and zoya are being badass MY GIRLS ‼️‼️

"let me be your monster" stop being such a kaz ripoff please

FINALLY. his villain speech was taking too long

did she use merzost :(

tolya's random ass burst of poetry 💀💀

HE SEES HER

he literally cannot take his eyes off of her

I CANT. I CANT. THEY WANTED TO HUG SO BADLY YOU COULD SEE THE RELIEF IN THEIR EYES KAZ ALMOST SMILED

but she would never know what it was like for him to see nina pull her close watch jesper loop his arm through hers, what it was to stand in doorways and against walls AND KNOW HE COULD NEVER DRAW NEARER

im sick. theyre so sick for this and knowing we'll never get a chance to see them even hold hands. i cant 🙂

they way she moved towards him then moved back killing myself thnx

"five of cro-" bro predicted the ending of ck

not the malina angst too is this show trying to kill me?? i think it is

"i'll claw my way to one. if he'll let me" IM TELLING YOU!! TRYING TO KILL ME

HE LOOKED AT INEJ

SHES HIS HAPPILY EVER AFTER IM SO DONE IM GOING TO THROW MY LAPTOP ON THE FLOOR 😭😭😭😭😭😭

did they kill off david or not omg

i love how the crows just started walking away they were so eager to get out (except nina's lingering glance at zoya)

oh. oh hes going to be to be sturmhond

see hes so much like inej they both leave to the seas to find themselves outside of the person they love because they want a life for theselves and freedom

i reached the text limit imma make a new post

[mobtism]

Fandom asks- the Lego ninjago everybody’s been watching

TY FOR THE ASK!! <3 always love talking abt ninjago hehe

ask game

blorbo - LLOYD AND JAY..... for different reasons tho <3 jay is relatable and lloyd is my character to think indepth and have analyses abt... not that i dont do that w/ jay too but <3 its different.

scrunkly - ACRONIX <33 literally love that time guy soooo much i look at him and im like 🥺🥺🥺 thats my guy... loml

scrimblo bimblo - AKITA AND OKINO... i will think abt them forever they mean sooooooo much to me. akita is a really wonderful character on her own, and also having her be a good companion to lloyd in s11 was so important... and okino is a really awesome character and he fits one of my fav character types of ever... so they both mean <3 sm to me. woohoo!🥰🥰🥰

glup shitto - this one was hard at first but then i realized. TOX. she is SO COOL i love that shes the master of poison <33 and her design is rad as hell. also <3 wlw. LOVE HER SOSOSO MUCH SHES GREAT💛💛💛

poor little meow meow - i mean... i guess garmadon tbh... so complex (pre-season 8) and like. ugh. grrr. i wish they didnt do what they did in s8 for the fuck of it. anyway season 4 garmadon my beloved. dude did what he could to atone for his mistakes and all the damage he caused and it should've been left at that. could complain abt s8 forever js. OH ALSO DARETH. tbh hes more of a poor little meow meow bc hes just... mostly pathetic... but not problematic rlly. but he tries so hard i love him sm😢😢

horse plinko - misako. u abandon ur 7yr old kid so u can "study a prophecy" and go off on adventures?? leave her COMPLETELY alone on the streets without anyone to care for her? and then join back up w/ everyone like it was nbd. at least garmadon has complexities and thought SOMEONE was going to be there to take care of lloyd. misako... youre a cunt. get knocked silly in the plinko now and forever.

eeby deeby - harumi. sorry girl ik u have issues but ur a huge bitch. get well in hell.

[laufire]

Roswell NM 2x05

My thoughts of this episode could basically be summed up on “Extremely Mixed Feelings” lmfao.

Let’s start with Rosa, obviously. Gosh, I adore her. ADORE her. She feels so lively and real and colourful among... well, everything and everyone else xD. She did even in death. She makes this show better by being the point of contention in the narrative. The mixed feelings come when she interacts with anyone else, because though she remains her incredible self, (almost) everyone else isn’t and I keep chaffing against the dominant narrative :P. She’s also hilarious lmao. I love every one of her zings xD. The “bitch-ass aliens” was obviously the winner, but her calling Max & Isobel’s nonsense “psychic twincest weirdness” was close LOL.

Like, I don’t know how I feel about the show even JOKING about Rosa possibly forgiving Max & Co. The scene itself with Rosa DEMANDING her own room was perfect, but. Yeah. Don’t even joke about that xD. To add that, I actually really love her scenes with Max, both in previous episodes and this one, when he briefly convinced her of stopping his resurrection (I kind of love that the episode was so close to Easter, btw, it’s so on the nose xDD). The energy between the actors works REALLY well and I find myself suddenly paying attention to Max, which hadn’t happened so far xDD. However, I’d enjoy those scenes even more if I could be reasurred that Rosa is always going to have mixed feelings at best about him, and will never be reduced to prop him or Liz/Max (like in the moment where Rosa almost has to comfort Liz about Max loving her. Leave my kid out of this pls). But. Yeah. I also have some guesses as to where the Rosa vs. Max storyline will go now that a.) she has more control of her new powers, and b.) his resurrection is the one that’ll follow the Came Back Wrong pattern, but they’re half-formed/half-wishful thinking so far lol.

I love love love the physicality of Rosa’s scenes with Liz too, even if sometimes I’m bothered by other elements. I’m just amazed by how the actresses manage to make it come across that despite the obvious visuals, despite how ~youthful and reckless Rosa feels... she’s the older sister, still. That’s how she feels, and Liz gets ~swayed by this. Like how she bundles herself agaisnt Rosa’s chest for comfort (and in the second one, the transition to that after Liz holds Rosa’s face in her hands), or how Rosa talks about her “sweet little sister”, etc. It also helps making the relationship feel less proppy than it would otherwise --younger sisters doing something for their older ones feels different than the reverse, idk. I have Thoughts about this but they’re all tangled up with myself projecting stuff on them, so idk what I’m trying to convey here xDD

I’m less conflicted about Rosa/Isobel. STAY AWAY FROM HER ISOBEL. Seriously, I full on despise her now. Fuck her. At the beginning of the season it looked like I might start finding her interesting, but nah. That’s over. And in particular I want her as far away as possible from Rosa. I’m even surprised by the strength of my reaction lol, but I wanted to yell at her to take her dirty paws off Rosa xD (seriously, the scene where she puts her hand on Rosa’s chest felt so so creepy? Was that just me? Add that in Isobel’s comment about having a “threeway” and deugh. GO AWAY ISOBEL). And frankly, it’s hard to miss how Isobel is always at her worst with women of color (I’m wary of her attitude to men of color, after the blatant sexualization/mind control thing with Kyle or all her bullshit with Arturo, too). Her comments on Rosa’s addiction (let alone assaulting her or locking her body in a closet ofc) didn’t help her case. I really, really wish Rosa had chocked a bitch xD. BTW, I’ve seen people attribute Isobel’s shittiness to her connection to Max and his darkness when a.) we saw NO SIGNS of this, and b.) she’s been terrible from day one, okay xD. If the show goes there to absolve her of responsibility like it did in s1... ugh.

My connection was crappy af last week and I somehow missed Michael’s “help me move a body” scene until I saw the parallel done with the one this week and... did this bitch really joke about desecrating Rosa’s body in front of Liz’s face?? (who said nothing because she’s now completely on pod-people’s POV land, ofc. I had flashbacks to Delena joking about Caroline’s rape right there, too). Seriously, the pod-people, ALL of them, have an enourmous debt with Rosa (EVEN MORE NOW), and I really, really wish she collected.

I wish we’d seen Arturo & Arturo-Rosa stuff this episode. It’ll still be tainted by the circumstances (*hates Isobel even more*), but I’m very curious about them. And about how Rosa’s bio-father ties to this stuff --that side of Rosa’s family is being left out of things so far and I don’t like it, tbh. It seems to be simply because it’s too far from the pod-siblings circle of influence ¬¬. Or about how Arturo is processing all this (he still thinks Rosa drove and killed the two other girls and that Max is A Very Nice Boy *barfs*. I seriously resent the very real posibility that Rosa’s story will never be untangled, to her father and to the town).

Not-Rosa-centric stuff under the cut, I guess, because this is getting long xD

I also have mixed feelings about Maria’s scenes with Alex (and Maria’s scenes in general). OTOH, she looked amazing (this is important, js. It’s such a shame we didn’t see Michael’s reaction to that last outfit of hers *-*); I love the actor’s easy chemistry, too; and I think it’s very, very interesting, that Alex basically nudged Maria towards Michael and Miluca. OTOH, I dislike how the conversation immediately turned to supporting him, and especially the false equivalences between Maria falling for Michael and Alex contributing to the lies to her (though I don’t find him as responsibly for that as Michael and especially Liz --since it was Michael’s secret and he planned and struggled to tell her, while Liz was pretty comfortable keeping her in the dark except for her own emotional needs, and knew too well why those secrets could cost), or between looking at your mother’s search history and forgiving someone for keeping you in the dark and endangering your life, js. That he guilted her into forgiving Liz (and so fullfilling Maria’s prophecy about how Liz only struggled to tell her because she wanted support, and my own about how little her anger was allowed to last) made it worse.

I feel terrible for Kyle. You could feel the toll he’s taken smh. My heart broke a little when he told Liz “you called, I broke the speed limit”, too :/. His relationship with his mother is hanging on the balance after all his lies too, which doesn’t bode to well for him either. I liked the scene between him and Alex, at least, though I still don’t think I could ever ship them, given Kyle’s romantic history with someone that ALSO was hung up on another person, js.

Other people have talked about how Alex’s scenes with Michael often highlight his classism and how little it’s talked about in this fandom, but yeah. His comments about Michael’s “wasting” his life... I Felt that.

Related to that, Max’s comment about how someone “has to clean up [Michael’s] messes” is part of why the pod-siblinghood thing is never ever ever going to work for me, sns xDD. Sure, it’s mostly because I don’t like Max or Isobel at all, or Michael 40-50% of the time, but yeah, things like that, or Isobel assuring him of the BLATANT lie that Michael means as much to her and Max as each other... they make it harder to get into the ~spirit lol. Another issue is how TERRIBLE the editing to make them appear younger looks xDD

I had to, HAD TO, roll my eyes at Max’s martyrdom. Ooooh, he’s not doing this for HIMSELF, he would NEVER care about being in PAIN, he’s doing this for US. And the narrative conveniently doesn’t take him at his word and saves him, ofc, because’s he’s a lead and that’s what’s up. It was interesting seeing the other characters coming to acceptance at first, however --I hope it’s a Sign. There are other Signs (of Max’s narrative maaaaaaybe weak spots) that really *pop* in this episode. Like the fact that there’s doubt over who is more important to him, Liz or Isobel. In a show with a really strong male lead, the answer would unquestionably be Liz: she’d know it, Isobel would know it, we’d all know it. And sure, I know a lot of people would say that it’s “better” (?) for a show to acknowledge the ~importance of familial and platonic bonds~ and what not, but c’mon. I don’t doubt that if Liz had been white things would be different. But that’s not the case here. And there are strong arguments for Isobel being number one... like the fact that this amnesia plot in the promo seems to ONLY involve Liz? I mean, he seems to remember Isobel just fine. A male lead forgetting the love of his life is very, very tricky. OTOH this is good in the sense that I’m all for anything that makes Max take a fall... but his & Liz’s stories are too tangled up and I’d fear she’d surely go down with him :/

[miseryff]

19. Sit Down

Paris

My weekend spent in Houston,TX was nothing short of litty! Besides the no having sex due to my period, I spent a wonderful three days with Derrick. Now I was back in Long Island and I can not say that I missed the towns that much. It was minutes to noon on Sunday and the only thing on my mind was getting some sleep because I had to go back to work tomorrow. 

Damn, this adulting shit had no pause button.

“Where’s your lil boyfriend at, London Paris?” I rolled my eyes at my dad, and only sipped on my bottled water as we awaited Derrick’s arrival. My dad orchestrated the whole gathering with my mother. The plan was to have Derrick and I have a Sunday brunch so that they could get more acquainted with him. I honestly do not know why they want to be familiar with Derrick so badly. I mean its not like he would be coming around them that often anyways. I was still in the hot seat for flying to Houston against my parent’s wishes though, so I had to play nice and agree to this sit down.

“Chris, leave her alone.” That was my mom coming to my rescue, for once. I side eyed her just as the door bell rang. She must have got some dick last night because she’s been extra kind to me since I pulled up to the crib earlier this morning.  I motioned to get the door but my big ass, dinosaur ass pops was already sprinting down the hall. I fake chuckled before looking over at my mom. She was already staring at me, being all weird. “Ma, you gucci?”

“What do you mean, baby?”

“I mean you being fake nice for some reason. Dad dropped some dick off last--”

“Paris, stop. I am not one of your lil ho friends. Don’t talk to me like that.” I could not hold in my laughter as I looked into her guilty eyes. She was trying so hard to keep her face neutral but shawty was blushing OD. “Ewww, yall need to get back together already--”

“The man of the hour is here!” My sentence was cut short by my father’s extra boisterous voice. I looked over into the doorway and there stood Derrick, looking even more sexy than he did a couple hours ago when he dropped me off at home. He went to his aunt’s house to fake nap and freshen up, since he had about two hours before he needed to be back at my house. This man looked like an advertisement for raw sex and I wanted him. Damn, I wonder I could suck him--

“Paris, hello? You not gonn introduce ya man to my fine ass baby moms? Fine, I’ll do it myself. Lil rude ass.” I blinked a few times before leveling my eyes from the front of Derrick’s grey dress pants, and meeting my father’s eyes. I heard Derrick chuckle as he and my father walked more into the kitchen. “Clean ya mind, ma” Derrick mumbled as he brushed past me lightly.

I could hear Derrick and my mom getting acquainted, so I used this time to pull my dad to the side to set some shit straight. “Yo...”

“Who you yo-ing, lil girl? Run that shit back.” I made the stank face as I watched him undo the wrapper from a yellow Starburst. But I’m the lil girl? “What, Paris? Speak up.”

“Can you not embarrass me today in front of my nigga? You do that a lot and I’m not with it the shits. I don’t even wanna be here for this bullshit mixer brunch, so--”

“When do I ever embarrass you, Paris? You do that job perfectly well  by yourself’ like when you lied about entering a rehab program for the weekend, only to have ya smart ass daddy pop up on ya baecation.” He showed me the yellow Starburst in his mouth before pulling me into a hug when I turned to walk away. “Dadddd...”

“Hush up and hug me back. I ain’t gonn embarrass you, aight?. I can tell you like this kid and he aight so far, so ima be on my best behavior.” Those words placed a tiny smile on my lips so I wrapped him back tightly, snickering when he started whining. “Old ass nigga! I heard a couple bones crack.”

“Fuck outta here, bum!” He pushed me away from him a little too roughly and I caught my balance before punching him in the chest. “Yeaa, talk yo shit now gramps.” I went to punch his bird chest again but my mom saved his slow, tired ass.

“Can yall beasts stop playing in my kitchen? Lets sit and eat before the food gets cold. Waiting on Derrick’s turtle ass all morning and shit.” The loudest laugh left my lips and I walked over to Derrick who was wearing the ‘I ate ass’ face. “Ma, don’t shade my baby. Do you see how he looks? His fine ass had--”

“Yuck.” That was my hating ass pops. “Cmon man, lemme save you from this thirst bucket I call a daughter.” He rudely pushed me out the way and dropped his arm over Derrick’s shoulder as they walked out the kitchen. My jaw hit the floor  once I heard the two roar in laughter. It was then my mom’s laughing that forced me to tear my eyes from the two. “Ya dad has a  man crush Mondaaayy” she sang as she walked around my frozen body. 

“His gay ass!”

XX

Brunch went... well?

We actually ate and there was no shit that popped off. My dad was on his best behavior, as promised, minus the corny attempts to make Derrick laugh. I never thought I would agree with my mom’s opinion ever but she was right, Dad had a MCM... and it was my nigga.

“I fake wish Cae and Carter was here. I gave them money for the mall because I thought it would be a shit show.” I joked as I watched my mom gather up the plates from the table. I would get up and help her but that’s what my lazy ass pops was for. “Really? I was wondering why they was dressed and speeding out the door. They bout to spend off ya money in that mall.” My mom chucked lightly as she continued to stack the plates.

“Dad, go help mom bring the dishes to the kitchen and leave my nigga alone. He can not and will not hook you up on the Js dropping next week. Fuck outta here.”

“Paris, shut ya ass up. Now like I was saying--”

“Chris, I need help for real. Fuck dem shoes.” Derrick and I shared a laugh as we watched my mom staredown my pops. “Really, Alana? You think that glaring shit still work on me?”

No more words came from my moms mouth. The room would have been silent but Derrick and I were being goofy as shit and laughing like a bunch of school girls. Maybe another minute of my mom staring down my pops passed, before we heard his chair scrape against the wooden floors. “Simp ass nigga” I coughed loudly. “Damn, some shit was stuck in my throat.”

Can yall believe my grown ass pops sent me the middle finger? “And one for you too, Derrick. To think I had an ally in this bitch. That’s when they smile in my face...” He sand off key as he followed my mom out of the dining room. More laughter filled the living room and I had to wipe underneath my eye with my tank top because my dad was really a dickhead. Wow.

“Ya pops funny as shit.” Derrick chuckled some more, and then made a face when I pulled him out his seat by his arm. “Where we--”

“Shut up, and hurry up.” I whispered as I ushered him out of the dining room and down the hallway. I could hear my parents conversing in the kitchen and loud laughter as I started up the staircase. “Where we going, Paris?”

“To my room, Derrick. Now shut up.” The slap that was sent to my ass did nothing but make me more wet than I already was. Do yall know how hard it was to sit across from this sexy ass nigga and not be able to feel his dick down my throat? Shiiiidddd.

Once we entered my bedroom I turned the lock and pushed him up against the door. “I’m bout to suck fire out ya dick, just in case you was about to ask me what I’m doing.” I winked at him before dropping to my knees and working on his dress pants. His dick print was pressed up against his pants and I knew his dick wanted nothing more than to find refuge in my mouth.

He said nothing, only took a grip of my jet black hair and guided my head to his already hard dick. Opening my mouth slowly, I deep throat his shit in one try, and felt a feeling of accomplishment once I heard his low grunts. 

Oh yea, he’s mine.

Derrick

Paris is crazy.

I don’t remember the last time I did this high school shit; where a shawty snuck me up to her bedroom to get the work. Then again, she just left high school last year so it made sense. My bottom lip sunk into my mouth as I watched her get busy on my dick. I can’t lie, Paris gave the best head I have ever had in my life. Its like she was a pro at this shit and she was tryna suck the brown off my dick. I loved it.

“You like how my dick taste?” I spoke lowly as I tightened my grip on her straight black hair. Paris as a blondie was fire, no debate, But Paris with the jet black hair? Lets just say my dick was never on soft around her. She got it. “I love how your shit tastes. This my shit.” That was another thing I loved about Paris. The raw, NYC lingo. She spoke like a crip nigga but looked like a Hampton socialite. That was a fire ass mix.

Before I knew it both of my hands were are the back on her head and I was face fucking the shit out of her. And best believe mama kept up. No hands, on some Waka Flocka shit. “Yea, this yo shit.” Pulling her back by her hair, I watched as my dick slid out her mouth. “Open up,” a smile touched my lips as I watched her follow my every direction. It did something to me watching her welcome my spit into her mouth. After she licked her lips, she took my dick back into her mouth and finished me off. Pulling her up to stand, I pressed my lips to hers before switching places.

She was now laying with her chest against the door and I quickly pulled her black leggings down her legs. “Im still on my period, babe.”

“I know...” I mumbled as I searched for the condom in my wallet, As soon as I was wrapped up, I hiked her leg up and slid into her wetness with ease. “Fuckk,” we cursed at the same time. 

“You better fuck the shit out of me. And make me cum.”

Oh yea, she mine.

[chocolatemillkk]

New Man II (JS)

Previously: "I'll see you around," I say softly and turn to leave before her sadness seeped into me too. Leaving her there felt like stranding her but she knew where to find me, I tell myself. If she wanted me, she would know where to look.

"I thought I knew her," I vent to Caspar. "five years of dating and you think you know everything about a person!"

"Maybe she's changed," he suggests.

"No." I say absolutely. "It's fake! The person she is around that guy is for his sake, she hasn't changed. She's still my Y/N."

Caspar eyes me, "But maybe she did change after she realised you weren't going to propose."

I groan, not liking that answer and slide further down the sofa, covering my face with a pillow. "I gave her an ultimatum." I say with it pressed against me. "And she chose him. But she wants to choose me! I know it. I know her!"

"You realise I can't hear anything you're saying?"

I sigh loudly but keep the pillow over my face-he could understand that.

It had been about a month since I gave Y/N the ultimatum. At first, I was running on a premature high, anticipating her response, thinking it would be a matter of days before she called to say she wanted me back. But the days stretched into a week. Then two. Then I spotted a picture on her instagram her man took and realised they were still together.

I felt like those cartoon characters carrying a gray cloud above their heads. I woke up with it and fell asleep, the gray cloud still rumbling and drizzly. My life felt gloomy and I knew I was the only one to blame. I felt a little crazy.

So many times I picked up my phone to text Y/N but I wanted to respect our last conversation and give her space. I just tried to hold onto the hope that it wouldn't be an infinite amount of space. I was still here to give her the love if she wanted it-I hope she still knew that.

"How do you feel about a date?" Caspar asks.

"I don't want to string a girl along when I'm bloody grieving my last relationship." I snap.

"Fine," Caspar exclaims.

•••

Two weeks. It takes two weeks before I decide it was enough grieving. I decide to test the waters and go to a club with my friends. I wasn't about to go home with someone but I could at least see my friends after being a shut in for weeks.

"I'm surprised to see you here with a smile." Oli says.

"We're just happy you finally came out." Caspar cuts Josh who hadn't been sympathetic of my situation since that night at the club. For him, I was the idiot letting a future with Y/N scare me.

"I was wondering why the club darkened suddenly until I saw you walk in," Josh continues over Caspar.

"It was probably just your big head blocking the lights," I snipe back.

"Oh look," Caspar says with an odd tone. "It's my friend over there! Look Joe, my friend!"

I turn to who he's waving at. A girl walking up to us with heeled boots and her short y/h/c hair tucked behind her ears. It was the same sort of hairstyle Y/N had before we broke up. Actually, I start to realise, they had the same eye colour and body type.

"Caspar!" I shove him out of her view. "What are you doing?"

"Saying hi to my friend!" Caspar continues to play the stupid card and before I can say anything she's approached us.

Caspar's loud and over-the-top as he introduces us and then ducks away. Meanwhile Josh shakes his head and walks away as the rest of the boys give me a thumbs up.

"Sorry I don't know why Caspar just made this really weird." I turn my back to the boys.

"Oh that's alright," she flashes a perfect smile and touches my arm. "Wanna grab a drink?"

"Yeah," I follow her because I didn't know how to tell her nicely I wasn't interested in this setup. And this forced interaction triggers an anxious feeling that slowly builds.

"What do you usually drink?" She asks. "You don't seem the fancy-"

"Sorry I um-I think I need some fresh air. It's really...loud. In here."

"Oh!" She nods. "Of course. Let's go."

I consider telling her I wanted to go alone but she's already slipping between the crowd. I follow, feeling more and more miserable.

Outside, the air does little to help and I try to take deep breaths to feel better.

"Are you alright?" Caspar's friend who's name I'd missed looks concerned. She puts her hand against my forehead and then rests it on my shoulder. "Do you have a fever or something?"

"Honestly it's just not really a good time right now and I'm-"

"Joe?" The voice behind me is laced with disbelief and I know who it is without even turning. How could I not?

"Y/N," I say before I see her face. She's with her best friend and both of them look like they were about to head into the club. She squints at me, her gaze shifting to Caspar's friend. She raises an eyebrow as she takes in how much she looked like her. When she zeroes in on her hand on my shoulder, I know this wasn't going to end well. Casp's friend must have felt the tension too as she slips her hand off.

"So much for waiting for me," Y/N says in an icy tone before brushing past us.

"Wait," I try to say and any anxiety I'd managed to get rid of by the night air comes back doubled.

"Is she angry you didn't wait for her?" Casp's friend is still standing by me. How could I explain that's not what she meant, that she thought I'd betrayed her again.

"It's not that exactly, I'm just going to..." I try to go back indoors again but the overwhelming crowd is too thick to find Y/N and I'm on the verge of becoming an all out anxious mess so I rush back out and apologize to Caspar's friend for leaving so suddenly but I just had to go.

•••

Well how was I supposed to know she would show up? Caspar texts me back the next morning after the angry texts I sent last night. If he hadn't set me up I could have talked to Y/N. I was just trying to help out.

After I asked you not to

C: Well at least you saw Y/N

J: I didn't want to just see her! I wanted to fucking talk to her

C: If you still have her number why don't you just call her?

J: I already told you. I want to give her space. She's still with that dick

C: Invite her out to coffee

J: Do you ever listen to what I say?

C: Of course. The three ... show up before disappearing.

J: What is it?

C: I promise if you go talk to her it will help you get closure. Invite her our or stop by her flat

J: I'm not bloody stopping by her flat. Just stop giving me stupid advice. I was fuming

C: ...

I throw my phone beside me and rub at my eyes, trying to scrub the look from Y/N's face. I pick my phone up again but Caspar's still typing. How could he think showing up at her flat would be a good idea?

But if I was to talk to her....

As frustrating as Caspar's plans had been for me, I was suddenly realising that I should just talk to her. It was over a month since the ultimatum-that was enough time for her to decide. And at least this way I could get my closure. Or one last shot...

I check the time and figure I had ten minutes to look decent if I wanted to catch Y/N.

So ten minutes of getting ready, another five of trying to locate what I wanted to bring with, and another twenty-three of travelling, I stop by Y/N's work. When we were going out and I was ever in the area, I would wait for her lunch break around this time. And sure enough, she walks out as a few others trickle out.

"Y/N," I call out. She turns and looks mildly panicked as I stride up to her. "We need to talk."

"There's nothing to say." Y/N steps back. "Joe if you want to move on don't explain it to me. I don't care."

But her eyes show she does.

"It's not what it looked like! It was Caspar forcing me to talk to other people!"

"Shh," Y/N says as more people exit the building and look our way. "I work with these people!" She scolds me before walking around the corner of the building. I dodge a few people to catch up.

"Listen." I say when we find a space to talk. "I wasn't giving up on you yesterday. I'm not giving up on you. Not ever."

"You already gave up on me when you were too afraid to propose Joe." Y/N says. Her gentle tone does nothing to soften the blow of her words and I can see the hurt reflected in her eyes.

“I-I don’t know. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Yeah me either. And I don’t know what you’re thinking right now either. Why did you come all the way here to say you weren't with that girl yesterday?"

I look at Y/N, the girl who was the only person who could ever make me feel whole. “I’m thinking you should give me a chance-and before you say anything...I know. I’m an idiot for asking but if you still want us...tell me now. Forget your new man and-"

"Joe I broke up with Brian."

"What?" I stare at her and she looks back like I should have already known this information. Then it clicks-her and Caspar must have talked yesterday. Except he didn't tell me. "When?"

"A few weeks ago."

A few weeks? Why didn't she tell me? Why was she holding out for so long? Did she really not want me anymore? I start to feel sick. Did I fuck up that badly?

And as if she knew what I was thinking-which she probably did-she says, "I needed space Joe! I didn't want to be an idiot, just running back to her ex. I broke up with you for a reason remember?"

"I know! But that reason's irr-"

"Brian was a really good guy Joe-I know you don't think so but he was. Maybe I was different around him but he made me realise something. I deserve a lot more."

There's a lump in my throat the size of a chestnut and I can't push it down no matter how hard I swallow. Y/N stays frozen in place staring at me, almost testing me to see if my reaction was going to be the one she wished. I could only hope it is.

"Being apart I realised that too." And it was the truth. I didn't give her the security she always craved and she deserved more from me. She raises an eyebrow. "You wanted a steady future and all I could think about was the now. But I'm crazy about you-and more and more if we grew old together."

"Well don't go too mad," she says sarcastically but I know her and it was her way of teasing. So even though it's not much, it feel like a ray of light beaming down on me. She wasn't as angry with me than I thought.

"Well how about we go mad together." I say, almost begging her. "Together. If you want us to be."

She doesn't answer, chewing on her bottom lip looking crestfallen and heartbreakingly beautiful. The seconds pass and I wait for her to say anything to me that tells me we would be okay.

"I want a together." She starts. "With the person I love."

I run my fingers through my hair and then shove my hands in my pocket, clutching the contents inside for something to do. Was I that person?

"When I was with Brian, I realised something else too." Y/N says. "No matter what he did, it never compared to you. I tried changing myself, the way I saw things-trying to rid myself of you but it was impossible. You've put a bloody curse on me-I hated and I loved you just as much."

"I think most people would say I put a spell not a curse." I feel a grin slowly breaking out on my face.

"I'm not most people then am I?" Y/N gives a cheeky smile and the answer to every question I had vanishes. I knew.

"You're definitely not most people." I tug her hand so she stumbles into me. "There's nobody on earth that's like you."

"You did try though didn't you?" She grins.

"Huh?" I ask.

"That girl yesterday? She looked a lot like-"

"That was Caspar!" I shout before she could continue the cringe memory. "I swear!"

"I know," she says simply before stretching up and pulling my face towards hers. As I wrap my arms around the only girl I ever wanted, my gray clouds break and finally evaporate to reveal a shining sun.

"Wait," I pull away even though I really didn't want to. "I have something for you."

I watch nervously as Y/N goes from curious to confused to alarmed as I go on one knee and hold out the box in my hand.

"This isn't an engagement ring-we only just started dating again. But it's a promise for the future. That one day I'll surprised you with another ring that will mean a lot more."

Y/N stares at the silver band and then looks back at me, "You brought this with you even though you thought I was still with Brian?"

"I thought I could still have a chance," I shrug and she throws her head back laughing before accepting the ring and sealing our future forever.

[hermionesterrier]

More Than Human: Chapter 8 Liveblog!

“With the Girl at the Rock Show” *wink* *wink* 

The change in the Blues' dynamic -in Boomer- is adorable and surreal and definitely healthier. Before this point, Boomer's obsession made me uncomfortable and now that he's so taken aback that she likes him back and she’s the one actually making the moves, he's so thrown off and nervous and falling so hard and just....KIDS *_* 

Mrs. Morbucks = HBIC

I'm still not sure exactly what she does though....? Are we ever gonna find out?

Damn. So why aren't JS's clients looking for other Evil Corps to get their dirty work done?

Buttercup's blankie is making a guest appearance!! Bubbles, don't you dare hurt blankie!!

I feel like the girls' boyfriends would always come out scarred for life after a "conversation" with the Professor. Who knows what he does to those poor souls in his lab xD

Why do you want her to acknowledge your existence so badly, Brick, hmmm?

Hold on. Is that the same Julie from that messed family on the show? Or am I confusing Julies?

He glared at her. "You know, generally? You ask permission before doing that." "Generally you ask permission before letting a giant black spike of death stab a pretty girl in the heart, too," she responded. Daaaaamn, shots fired!

OH MY GOD THE LUNCH SCENE! ONE OF MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITES!! I'm gonna try not quote all of it xD

"You are setting a terrible example as a Senior." "I set a terrible example as a person," Butch corrected. I mean...no arguments there.

Ok, I really don't remember this Julie Bean from the show...

"I wouldn't solicit advice from someone who tried to sacrifice my sister in a dire situation." "That was an act of heroism!" he snapped. "Except it was going after you," Bubbles pointed out. "So it was less heroic and more cowardly," Buttercup said. "Say that a little louder, Buttercup," Brick seethed, his eyes glowing red. "I didn't quite catch that." Unperturbed, Buttercup looked him right in the eye and enunciated, "You're. A. Pussy." DAMN STRAIGHT! 

"Speaking of fucking," Butch moaned. "This food? Is like an orgasm in my mouth."

I wanna taste Buttercup's food :'(

Even Brick's in love hahahahahaha

Did someone say Tabouli? *_* GIMME!

Poor Julie, she's so confused AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ugh, get over yourself Brick. You're like a 5 year old throwing a temper tantrum because he's being ignored. And you did nothing to Bubbles? Really?

"I wish I'd been around to see that," he said, and meant it. He really did. He wished he hadn't been such a stupid little kid. He could've played with her, and they could've grown up friends instead of enemies, and he might've felt this sooner, this easing of an unbearable weight in his heart every time she looked at him, touched him, kissed him. This makes my heart ache. Blues are killing meeeeeee

Brick thinking he's so mature but actually being a complete baby tho AHAHAHAHAHAHA

Eww Butch stahp

THE PROFESSOR WATCHING ALL THE MALES LIKE A HAWK OMG HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ugh Brick is so stupid I can't even...JUST ADMIT YOU WANTED TO SEE HER DANCE YOU IDIOT

"Butch, boobies," Bubbles said simply, and Butch suddenly shot to. "Where?" he said, eyes frantically darting around. Well that was easy xD

The Blues just standing there hugging tho xD

Bubbles wrapped her arm around Boomer's and beamed at him. "Come on," she said sweetly, encouragingly. Then she looked at Brick. A sudden chill shuddered through him at the sight of her expression, and before he could process it they were already gone. He couldn't even recall exactly what she had looked like as the door shut; it had happened so quickly and caught him so off guard. Bubbles may or may not be possessed but she definitely scares the shit out of Brick :')

That disappointment when you wanna see someone so bad and they're nowhere in sight. I feel ya, Blossom. Let me hug you.

Bubbles is such a little Reds shipper :D

Even I'm overwhelmed by how corny this is.

BUTTERCUP IS SINGING!!!!!

Boomer is outright challenging her. Show that bitch who’s boss, Buttercup!

The more comfortable she grew on stage, the more uncomfortable Butch grew watching her. Bubbles asked, "Butch? What's wrong?" "Great," he said, his voice flat. "She sounds great."

This Buttercup/Mitch conversation is fucking painful. All the would'ves and could'ves....

"I was talking with Mitch earlier," she said quietly, and Butch abruptly decided he'd never really liked Mitch anyway. CAN WE JUST TAKE A MOMENT TO APPRECIATE THAT THAT IS ALL IT TOOK FOR HIM TO DECIDE THAT? BUTTERCUP LOOKING SO SAD AND MITCH IS DONE FOR HIM

Butch struggling so hard to understand human emotion though...

"You've never really wanted to be with someone, have you, Butch?" she said, a small, bitter laugh curling around her words. Foreshadowing? :')

I cannot with the Greens. This rooftop scene is KILLING ME I’M GONNA CRY GIVE ME MY OTP PLZ SBJ PLZZZZZ

PERIOD DRESSES AND WHITE WIGS THIS IS ACTUALLY GOLDEN OMG AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh my god these costumes...whyyyyyy

It's interesting how well Brick is getting along with Buttercup and Bubbles. Like friends. Buttercup keeps talking to him and sharing her misery with him, while Bubbles just naturally gets along with everyone and everything. He's even acting like a normal person with Julie! And annoying Blossom, as usual hehehe

I wanna see what Bubbles is working on.

Buttercup jumping at the chance to embarrass Blossom with THAT STORY is what sisters are really for, isn't it?

I really wanna take hip hop classes

Mrs. Morbucks being a sly HBIC :D

Awww @ Blossom feeling pretty. You're beautiful all the time ❤ 

I hate this next part for her...

“Looks, brains, talent," Buttercup said, nodding. Her eyes glazed over. "Plus a chest that you want to... throw rocks at just so you can watch them bounce off." Bubbles shot her sister a look. "Buttercup, you... you're kinda weird." BUT THAT'S THE BEST THING ABOUT HER AHAHAHAHAHA

Fucking pedophile assholes leave Blossom the fuck alone how fucking dare you :(

Buttercup would kick (even more) ass being Evil...I think there was a comic or something where she lost her memories and joined the dark side? 

All these ep references are making me want a PPG rewatch *_*   

Brick wants to cheer her up so bad it's so...uncharacteristic and heartwarming

The AB virus...the only villainous thing the Amoeba Boys ever managed to do...unintentionally xD

BLOSSOM BEING A KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOR LITERALLY SWEEPING BRICK OFF HIS FEET I LOVE ITTTT

I think I just fainted," Brick said feebly, eyes shut and breath once again warm and sick against her neck. "In front of everybody." "You crumpled to the floor in a very dignified manner," Blossom assured him. He pressed his head a little closer into her, almost a nuzzle. "So long as it was a manly faint." "Oh, I don't think it could've gotten more manly than that," she said, and turned to the silent room again once she reached his door. Everyone's eyes were still on the two of them. "At ease, men," she said dryly, and pushed into his room. MANLY FAINT AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

H O W did the girls not throw the sharpest object they could find at Butch? I totally would've. Not even exaggerating.

Way to ruin the moment, Brick.

UGH Blues being THAT couple

Someone learned his lesson and is actually accepting help :D

This is probably one of the most insightful conversations about Butch's psyche. His "jealousy" doesn't stem from the fact that it's Blossom, it stems from the fact that it's BRICK. It's not like he has problems getting girls, but, in his eyes, Brick gets everything and then some with no effort....can see why he thinks so. But then again, Brick's still a temperamental man-child with below zero social skills, so I guess you win some you lose some right?  

Buttercup's right though. Butch likes bleeding for things. If he got the same things Brick does while also putting zero effort in it then he wouldn't want it anyway.

SHE'LL BE WAITING OKAY

Hmmm I wonder why Brick is taking so long to recover even though both his brothers were only sick for 1 day...does he have a lower immunity system? Or is it the pretty redhead taking care of him during this difficult time? :')

Boomer's deal with the Devil and how confused he is by Bubbles' horrified reaction... 

There's something so incredibly sad and heartbreaking about Boomer's storyline here. When will Him come to collect, but more importantly, what will he be collecting...?  

Mitch's grandmother tho...very Norman Bates-y xD

Not that into each other, Mitch? I call bullshit! 

MOJO JOJO!!!!!

Awww, same, Bubbles I missed him too hahahaha

Mojo so offended and schooling Buttercup for her cussing tho xD

CLIFFHANGER DUN DUN DUNNN!!!

I really did try not to quote the whole entire chapter. I failed. Obviously xD

Click here for more quotable fic!

[atomicbark-blog]

Sugar Fall and Morailegence

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 6:08 PM

(blood ment.) 

Your name is Jay Harley and you have just started to wake up after being knocked out by Stitch. Clutching your bleeding head you lift it too fast and see stars, almost hurking right then and there. Some common sense has seemed to leak back into your head despite you laughing at this moment. You push yourself up onto the wall and teleport out into the hallway, you hit the floor immediately clutching your mouth. You won't be able to teleport this much like this. 

Crawling over to a wall you pull out your phone and shoot Doze a text before pulling yourself up the wall, your claws digging into the drywall. You start to stagger off, laughing manically under your breath, a raspberry red bloodstain following your trail against the wall.(edited)

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 6:42 PM

Your name, or at least what you call yourself is Doze. John Doze usually...it's kind of a fun play on words. At least you think so.    At least you would if you weren't a bit upset right now. Upset at having been stuck in spot while everything has been going tits up, upset that you weren't fast enough to get far enough so you could be with Clover. Upset you aren't with Clover now and are making him worry even more probably.  And upset that you know you're on your way to do something stupid but here you go. 

It'd have been one thing if Jay had just been candy crush cackle-mad...but the combination of her messages was more than concerning.  You didn't know if these Tricksters were immortal...but if they were and Jay wasn't working right then perhaps not.  And you already have a life of regrets you have forgotten, letting Jay possibly bleed out in the manor alone was not one of them you wanted to add to the mist. 

Leaving your hiding spot, you begin to make your way through what felt like an empty manor, making your way to where Jay last said she was.

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 6:52 PM

You had staggered farther down the hallway since messaging Doze, you had to stop to do that or otherwise you would of fallen down right there and you weren't sure if you could get up again from that. Everything hurt and hurt a lot, ever since Clover cracked you a good one you hadn't started to heal like the other tricksters and man did it suck to some point. You keep staggering on despite your pain, it's something you were trained to do. Keep on carrying on, you could even stagger home after getting shot if you really wanted too, but right now with the glitching back and forth and feeling like something.. someone was hunting you down again. You were way to terrified to focus on ignoring the pain, you just wanted to reach Doze. 

Your blood trail skids down for a second as you crouch/crawl your way to the other side of the wall so you can continue towards the Lounge. Having no idea what is keeping you moving or why you do keep moving instead of staying still, you keep trekking along. Making it to the start of the stair way you crumple to your knees an lean against the banister, "Fuck making it down those.. Hahhaha!" You chuckle under your breath and lean your head against the railing, "Please get to me furst Dozey.~" Churring you close your eyes for a second, you just need a breather, yeah. Just a few minute rest.

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 7:00 PM

You see the bloodtrail first, momentarily wonder if this is how Trace feels when he's tracking folks down.  Probably more exciting for Trace. Less terrible for Trace. He gets to see people, you just get to see blood.    As you round the corner, you see the figure slumped by the bannister.   Wellp. Here goes nothing and everything as you get closer. 

"Ey. Ey Jay.  What do you say.  Lets go on out and have have a really nice day." You say softly as you get closer.

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 7:11 PM

Your bent puppy ears flick as you hear Doze's voice an you groan, looking up slowly an over at him. One of your eyes is held closed, you didn't want to get blood in it. He gets to see it in full and somewhere in your mind that upsets you, having him see you like this. A new jagged wide scar from the left side of your fore head to your right cheek, and absolutely covered in blood. You grumble softly, and try to stand up, shaking tiredly as you do so and nod at Doze, stars flashing in your vision. 

"Mmm.." You stand up fully and rock back and forth before grinning brightly, "Oh really!? I would LOVE that!" Your being glitches for a moment and a more calmer tone takes place, "Anywhere away from Stitch and them would be fine with me honestly."

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 7:18 PM

A noticable frown at the blood.  Oh no...you can't be mad at Clover for doing what he had to do...but its still painful to see. Pulling out a large blue scarf like you were some kind of magician, you start to wrap it around her head and injury.  "Ye ye...sure thing.  Lets getcha outta here.  Ye aint allowed to get anymore badass lookin scars today." 

With careful slowness, you lean down to scoop her up in your arms. "I gotta couple places where I do some of my other business that I can take ye to.  Stitch ain't the only one know knows his way about medical equipment. Kek."  It's true...while Stitch's job was patching people together....yours was often taking them apart.  As slow as possible. Making sure they stay alive for as long as possible.  Torture ain't worth it if the person bleeds out in an hour after all.

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 7:28 PM

You are touching the scarf lightly a soft smile on your face when he scoops you up. You let out a yelp of surprise and cling to him before laughing. You grunt and shake your head at that, trying to keep the candy syrupiness out of your brain. You lean away from him an whine, "I don't want to risk turning you." Frowning an wobbling a little you set your head against his shoulder, your breathing ragged an chest shaking with each breath. 

As much as you wanted to make sure he didn't touch you because of the risk, you just didn't have it in you to fight against it. You nod and grumble softly, ears drooping, "Yeah.. That sounds Peachy! Urk sounds pretty good, I'm all there for it." You allow yourself to rest against him and you find yourself smiling again, man he makes you feel so safe  and calm it's absolutely wild.

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 7:33 PM

"Iffn I'm gonna get all hit with this crazy kittykat bullshit, I'd rather do it helping ya get to safety than getting kerfuckle kissed by some sappy assed sons of bitches.  Priorities yo.  Maybe I'll end up being the act three goes out like a hero sucker kek."  You grin as you cautiously take her down the stairs and head towards the garage.  Fuck there's blood everywhere and while you have some tools here if folks are on the hunt and she's scared to want out...best not to push it in case she glitches bad. 

"Sides. Prolly ain't gonna work on me.  Know why?  Cause I already happy as shit.  Know why times two?  I already got everything I need to be fuckass happy. I got Clover. I got you. I got skills to pay the bills. And I even got a dumbass fuckface I get to dunk on once all this is over.  Bread and Circuses all the way.  Why the fuck would I need anything else to be happy."  Part of you is saying it for yourself, as you ignore how much her blood smells like raspberry taffy.

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 7:48 PM

You genuinely laugh at his words an grin up at him through your daze, "Yeah it fucking sucked lemme tell ya." You glitch a bit, your grin more manic like, "Got my forehead SMOTHERED is kisses be DOC!!!!" You practically slap yourself on the forehead, right on the wound and glitch back, "Never thought I'd see the day he would do something like that. Shit felt cursed." You snort an laugh softly. 

You find yourself gripping Doze tighter as he descends the stairs, you didn't want to fall, in fact now would be the damn worst time for that. You look up at him surprised before nodding, "You got that right. Damn I honestly didn't want this." You feel yourself frown heavily before you glitch like crazy, grunting you hide your face behind your hands and mutter to yourself, "Okay, Okay. No sad feels I got it jesus FUCK!" You bury your hands and face into Doze's shoulder to get yourself to calm down again, "Oof.. Sorry sorry. Looks like trickster me doesn't like thinking about sad shit."

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 7:57 PM

"Sounds like Trickster you is a godamn pussy." you snort.  "Do you think we'd be where we are without the sad and the bad?  It's that sad and bad shit that makes all the good shit special.    If I wanted something fuckin happy without purpose I'd just load up on a dozen how may i serve you mlord click with yo dick games or something."  Carefully opening the door, you note which cars are gone and which remain before getting a set of keys for yourself. 

"That said.  Think about some happy shit. This ain't gonna last forever. And then! We're gonna have some fuckin fine dining on the fanciest daki pillows.   Can watch the best of vine videos till we're cry laughing like dipshits."  A wide smile.  "Don't need no candy ass magic to have a great time.  We're gonna show that candy ass magic that its just a punk ass bitch that only wishes it could have as much fun as we do when you and I are in full swing."

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 8:12 PM

You laugh into his shoulder and nod, your gummy like hair bouncing with the movement, "Such a pussy, gotta be what you eat." You crack up more and bite your lip, snorting and laughing though your nose. "God the way you say things are great, honestly never a dull moment around you." You purr, then stop and blink surprised that you can even do that. With a soft oh shit and a tail wag you go back to purring, looking out and watching Doze do his thing. 

"Hell yeah you tell it Doze. We are gonna have a damn good time." You glitch heavily for a moment as you grumble lowly, "I don't need no damn candy to be happy with the people I love an care about." Stars brightly flash in your vision again and your ears flick back and down, "Ough fuck that's bright." You squeeze your eyes shut for a moment and shake your head as you chill out again. 

Tilting your head you look up and blink at Doze with a confused smile, "Are we leaving the mansion?"

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 8:15 PM

"Ye ye. Gonna have a good time."  You nod as you head over to one of hte cars.  "Also ye.  Gonna take ya to my baddass tat parlor. Show you my sweet as fuck studio.  Finally can give you a bonafide tour of the place." 

Helps that you also have some other tools there for your other jobs. Though thats a bit more of a hush hush matter.  "Maybe if some place is open we can get some snacks n shit. Just chillin about while I help patch ya up."

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 8:25 PM

"Oh man that sound great. Gonna be honest my candy side has been wanting a tattoo on the fucking ass and I'm all kinds of fucked up to agree with her on that point." You grab onto Doze's shirt as you wobbly lower yourself out of his arms, with a grabby hands motion you more of fall onto the car than grab it. You glitch with that jostle and grin wide, "Honestly!!!! What's so BAD about tattoos!~ Doc won't be seeing my ASS and I'm all UP for some rule breaking FUN!!!!~" A huge part of you is glad you got out of Doze's arms at that moment. You really didn't know how much longer you could of held the fake candy happy side back. 

You adjust the scarf on your head, still grinning and teleport the Kitsune mask to your hand. With a wink at Doze you laugh, "You really don't need to WORRY about this side of me! When I promise something it goes STRAIGHT to my HEART." You do the cross my heart and hope to die sign and hope in the car, glitching as you do so. You sigh, "I'm a bit tired, I'm sorry I can't calm that side down as much as I want too." 

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 8:36 PM

You give a nod as you close the door for her.  "Ye ye I trust ya Jay.  Like you've never lied to me in all yer life why would I think you'd do different now.  Candy or not yer still you."  With that you hop into the drivers seat, stirring the car's engine to life.  "Never understood why he was against you getting tats. Like shit I'm covered in em and most of the guys got'em.  Specially since what you were describin is pretty classy." Pulling out of the garage, you start to drive off at a fairly amicable pace. Go figure, you're the only person in the Felt who drives at the speed limit or under.  Noting the sky and grass, you shake your head.  "What a trip huh."

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 8:44 PM

You hum and rub your head, you keep opening the wound up like and absolute idiot. "I don't know either." You grab the handle on the seat and lay back, enjoying the slow ride. "I said dick near him once and like-" You laugh before you can even finish, patting your chest lightly, "He fucking said I was banned from sex." You wipe your open eye, and shake your head. "I think he's trying to keep me...." You open your eyes wide and glitch out like crazy before sitting up quickly and gasping for breath. "Fuck fuck fuck, stop doing that... keep me to himself. Doesn't want my loyalties getting all fucked up and shit." You sit back again groaning, "Like I would even be able to with how damn loyal the animal side of me is." You scrunch your brow and nod, "You know what. Yeah! Let's get me a fucking tattoo! Damn prove it to him! I ain't no DAMN THIN LINED person! I don't fucking BREAK!" You pump your fist into the air.

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 9:06 PM

There is a laugh as you turn a corner.  "That's the problem with loyalties really.  Make em too rigid they're gonna rebel. You'd think after raising a shit ton of kids he'd have figured that one out but he's always after his white whale of the perfect example."  There is a shrug.  "The other thing about loyalties, they gotta be about trust.  You can try day in day out to force loyalty but...if you can't ever really be sure they're loyal and trust them...yer gonna keep just putting that pressure on until they break." Another laugh.  "Well tell ya what.  I'll die on that hill with ya when this is said n done and you still want it.  Fuckit I'll take the tank for that why not.  I ain't gonna do it right now tho cause yer pretty damn hurt and I got some principles. Don't do tats when someone's drunk or doped up, also don't know if that'll end up causing some troubles in her state."

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 9:23 PM

You nod slowly and sigh, "I, oof.. everything is so muddled in my mind I feel like I'm swimming through a swamp. I don't even feel like this after getting drunk what the hell. Yeah, I get what you are saying, I don't know if he trusts me or not to be honest. I think he just expects me to be 100% loyal to him, and like yeah I am but cutting me off from things that I want isn't the way to go on ensuring that I stay loyal. It's not like I'm gonna betray yall, I can't." You shove your kitsune mask onto your face and flinch when it pushes into your wound. You close your eyes behind the mask and laugh, "Thanks Doze, I do want it, a lot actually, but I won't let you take the heat for it. Can't in fact. My problem" You grin behind your mask, "I'd rather have you protected than deal with something I asked fur." You reach over blindly and pat his shoulder, "I understand that policy, be best too honestly-" You glitch, your candy brightness taking a hold again and gripping on hard. "Hehehe!! Yeah! Don't wanna mess up and get LOTS of tattoos!" Jesus give me a break can't she just come to an agreement with you already and mellow out. You touch the wound and tilt your head, perhaps that will be fixed when you are all fixed up. The crowbar seems to have split you in two like a damn cherub.

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 9:34 PM

"Wouldn't be surprised if Doc doesn't trust anyone, even himself.  Ain't anything against you, just how he be I guess."  Or maybe he has a hard time trusting because he knows even if the ends justify the means the betrayals he gave are ever likely to return to his doorstep one day....but you don't voice that part.  That ain't your business to say. "Psssh." You grin back as you glance at the masked face.  "Bitch please.  We innit to winnit.  If I'm out here risking candy toxic shock fer ya you think I'm not gonna take a dunk in the tank if it comes to it.  I ain't lettin ya be the only one to take that heat."  Glancing at the streets, you dodge some rather huh...well ain't this getting crazy with the decor.  Be funny if those stuck behind when this was all over.   But you're just about to your parlor at least and this part of the city seems a ghost town.

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 9:47 PM

You sit back up, dragging the seat with you as you turn and face Doze, some good ass feeling jams right here damn, gotta pay full attention. "Hmm!~ The tank? Oh those Goop Tubes! Hehe!! Snow put me in one of those before I forced myself out of the grey magics! Those things are ABSOLUTLY terrifying!!!!" You laugh and glitch lightly, "Damn things are hell thats what they are, first time in one." You shake like you are trying to get water off of you and stick your tongue out, your mask following suit, "If we get dunked together we can chill together then, the after affects isn't something to deal with on your own." You look over your shoulder to the world out side and it finally hits you how much everything has gone to shit, "Wow... I missed this? Where is everyone...?" You don't like this one bit, you feel yourself slightly shift towards Doze as you murmur out, "Thank you... for staying at the mansion and for coming for me.. I didn't know how bad it got."

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 10:23 PM

The laugh turns to a cackle.  "Ye ye the goop tanks. They sure are something ain't they."  You give a nod as you pull into parking lot for the parlor.  Giving a slow glance for any trouble, you step out of the car with shotgun in tow.  You had no problems blasting some candy coated jackass across the wall if it came to it. As you get the door, you shrug.  "Ye ye....shits gone to utter fuckin hell. Rip in the sky's bigger too it seems." You comment as you point up.  "There's a few holdouts of folks trying to wait it out or stay safe but who knows how long its gonna last."  There's a frown.  "....think before I left I saw something about losing Trace to it.  Probably means we're all gonna be kerfuckled considering he can track us down one by one in time."

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 10:31 PM

You hop out of the car and decide it would be easier to float then walk, in which you to. You float after Doze humming sweetly as you do, "Oh yeah!! That was my fault.~ I did this SICK NASTY move on Snowman and made her hit the pavement after she made me eat pavement! I was a cherub then though!! And my other side on that note is rather WORSE than this one." Your mask winks, the eye that opens is full of flashing different colours, it's rather hypnotizing actually. You straighten out and look around grinning, "Well hell has some interesting tastes!~" You turn back around and float into the Parlor, "Trace went mad happy then? That's unfortunate." You settle your tippy toes on the ground and drag them as you float around the place, "Hmm.. Wouldn't Nepeta and Fin be in trouble first. Do you know if anyone has gone to help them?" You look back at Doze.

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 10:41 PM

You step inside after her before locking it.  It's a pretty nice setup, sterile and well kept with paintings mural'd on the wall.  You noticably frown.  "Hopefully. Maybe. Not sure.  It's Trace.  And he's got probably some similar setups to what ya'll been having so he can prolly chase forever."  The frown deepens but you shake your head.  "Nothing to do bout it here." You lead her to one of the backrooms.  "But I can at least getcha fixed up a bit, so that counts for something maybe.  Have a seat over there and we'll get this all started up."  The chair looks relatively comfortable, obviously designs with tattoo clients in mind who would have to likely be seated in themf or hours.

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 10:48 PM

You put a hand on his shoulder worriedly and pap him, "Fin says my teleporting messes up the trails, If need be I can get us the hell out of here and keep you safe." You glitch and your mask grins as you float over and sit down, "Like I sai-i-id!~ I won't turn you." You tilt your head all cutesy like and look around, "What do you plan on doing? Oh uh shit You are gonna sew my face all up and shit huh? Oh damn." You clutch the mask tightly to your face before slowly taking it off, your thick syrup blood sticking to it, "Oh gross why the fuck did I put that on again." Saying fuck it to the mask and placing it in your lay you shakily reach up for the blue scarf, not really able to see what you are doing.

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 10:57 PM

You're washing your hands before putting on some latex gloves. Gotta be pro and sterile about this stuff.  "That's good too know.  Maybe be the ultimate ace in the hole really.  Aight. Gonna try to get that cleaned a bit and see what damage we workin with.  Gonna sting for a few until the local antiseptics kick in. Then prolly just gonna feel weird as fuck." You roll up a wheelie chair along with a tray of tools, bottles, and a pan of water as you help carefully remove the blue scarf, taking time to try to dab and wipe away the blood on her face as you keep gauze on hand to apply pressure in case it starts pouring blood again.  "Gonna have to see what I'm workin with first but looking like you may need a bit of stitches as is.  Gotta say Clover kind of cracked ya good."

Plush (JS/MI)Yesterday at 11:09 PM

You move your hands out of his way and close your eyes so he can do what he needs to, "Yeah, Though I can't say that I'm mad at him. It helped me break through... and since my trickster ass lunged for him I say I deserved it yeah." You scrunch your face slightly as your pain receptors flare up from your wound being cleaned. With how thick your blood is at the moment it doesn't pour blood as much as it slowly slides down your face again like syrup on pancakes. "Stitch's meaty damn cherub claws got me on the shoulders too, I didn't mention those because they don't hurt as much as my face does. They can honestly probably heal on their own." You force yourself to sit rigidly still for Doze so you don't cause him to mess up. The would is deepest on the top left part of your skull and kind of just drags through across your face. The condition of your eye is unknown, you still have yet to open it, honestly fearing the worst after getting use to having it closed this long. With out her effigy healing her up, she would need stitches for the left side of her face, the right side could heal properly on its own.

Mabs (PI/02)Yesterday at 11:16 PM

You methodically rinse and clean the wound, applying a dab of numbing agent as you go.  The blood's a bit weirder than what you're used to...but almost in a good way since it isn't pouring out faster than you can clean.  "I'll give em a checkout once I finish up the worst of it here.  No sense in leaving a job half-assed n shit." There is extra precaution around her eye, probably would need her to rinse that out at the sink afterwards.  "Oof...ye....looks like her gonna need some stitches pupperoni.  Fortunately I can likely do it without it ending up looking like Stitche's face.  Gonna likely have a mark when its all done though. Gonna look like one of those baddass anime babes with the sword three sizes too big for her."

October 16, 2018

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 12:10 AM

"Oh alright, you gotta point. Plus I shouldn't just leave them to bleed everywhere huh." You pause an snort under your breath, "Is it weird that I kind of want to lick my blood, shit looks hella tasty but also gets all of your teeth rotten in under two seconds." You reach up and carefully tie your hair up and out of your wound. "Alright, I'm fine with that, needles don't bother me too much and with how damn fine your tattoo work is I trust that you will definitely hold to that." You tap your fingers on the chair, feeling honestly kind of bundled up, "Say, anything you want to do after this, can like.. satisfy the damn candy side of me and shit so I can mellow out." You flick your ears an look at him, "Honestly think you out of anyone would be able to help me mellow out so I don't cause any more trouble." You grab your tail and bap it between your hands, something to do so you aren't sitting still and jittering out, "I feel safe an calm around you." You laugh softly and grip your tail.

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 12:18 AM

"Can't deny its too weird. I mean be lying if I said it didn't smell fuckin delicious." You smirk.  "But then perhaps I ain't the best judge of what is delicious considerin my appetites."  You give some of the area near the wound a couple test pokes to ensure that the area was good and numbe before sterilizing the needle.  "If any of this starts to hurt lemme know and I can dab more numbin shit on it.  All about that comfort here." You slowly get to work, hands working with a precise smoothness to them that your powers have granted.  "Hard to say really.  Problem with things is yer gonna be a-ok no doubt no problem but pretty sure me being out and about is the worst thing I can do.  Trying to keep out of the radar in all of this shit.  Whatcha candy side hankerin for?"

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 12:40 AM

"Will do..!" You swipe some blood off of your mask and look at it, "Hm. What's wrong with your appetite?"  You raise the blood up to your nose and sniff, damn that did taste delicious. Like you just snorted a whole can of koolaid up your nose. Resist the temptation to lick it... You don't even flinch as he starts, you more of relax even more, glad to have someone stitching you up. "Hmm I don't know. Nothing to crazy honestly. I'm chill with just hanging out with you and letting myself mellow out and fall out of this trickster state. Kind of tired of it honestly. I only need one good head bashing for me to be done with something." You say fuck it and give the blood on your finger a little lick and scrunch your nose up, that was like opening a whole box of pixie stixs and downing them with the wrappers on. "If you want to go back to the mansion after this I'm up for that. The tricksters seem to be turning their heads from that place fur now."

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 12:51 AM

"Some folks get really nit picky about what is and ain't cool to eat.  Like sure no problem killin a pig or a cow and making ground up burgers.  But then folks are like can't eat rats. Can't eat this. That is gross.  But like...at the end of it all, meat's meat yanno?  Ain't no chicken gonna care what happens to it after its dead, same for every other thing.  Carapaces, trolls...folks...in the end we're all about the same."  As you talk, you carefully make small stiches up the wound, taking pauses to clean and dab and add a bit more numbing agent to it as you go. "Chillin sounds good to me. After this we can prolly vamoose to one of my layday locations.  Keep all my dvds there n shit. Watch some movies. Hang out in pillow land.  Take 20 naps.  Its my fav place to just go and pass time by doing shit all.   Prolly best not to get back to the mansion anymore.  Tho I'll understand if you wanted to. "

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 1:04 AM

"Yeah yeah I get that. Gonna be honest, when I was younger and not really uh hm.. mannerized? I would go in the back yard and dig up the moles an just-" You laugh, "Wasn't pretty. So I understand what you are saying, I don't think anything is wrong with that." As he moves away from your left eye you open it, it's entire colour has changed to a dark cherry red. "Hm." You pat your cheek under it and your ears flick back as panic races through you. "..." You close it again and say nothing on the note of not seeing your fingers from that eye. "Yeah that sounds good. I could use a good rest after this honestly." You smile softly at him, "It will probably be for the best to go there too. Does anyone else know about these layday places?" You shake your head slightly, "The mansion will be fine. I doubt anyone but us could navigate it honestly."

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 1:12 AM

"Ah hell I'm not younger and I'm still not mannerized.  Elbows on all them fuckin tables. Kek!"  You grin wide as you are starting to finish up the last of the stitches.  "Moles pretty alright, though small things got like not much good meat on em so they're a bit a pain.  Like the sunflower seeds of the meat kingdom." You dab up the last of the mess around the stitches before applying some Hello Kitty bandages over them.  "Nah.  Chances are once this blows over I'll move it again elsewhere.  Always good to have little somethings that you can call your own.  And ye ye...highly doubt that the mansion is in any danger. Prolly safer than most of the folks in the city."

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 1:33 AM

You snort and shake your head, "Yeah they are, no way would they satisfy me now. Little dirt creatures." You reach an gingerly pat your head and sigh, "Oh man, that is much better. Thank you." You blink a few times before wagging your tail happily. "I feel like I can think again- Though still being full candy decked out is concerning. How long does it take to go back to normal?" You wave your hand in front of your left eye again and make tsk noise when nothing happens. No worry right? It's just from the head injury, vision should come back soon enough. "Ohh alright then yeah, that sounds like the safest place to go right now." You nod with his thoughts on the mansion, agreeing. You place a foot under you and float up and back, away from the chair and reach back to where Stitch scratched you, "Hmm..?" Not feeling anything you twirl for a second trying to look before floating over to Doze. "So... I'm thinking... Wounds from the crowbar as trickster doesn't heal but wounds from other things do because even though I bled the claw marks are gone."

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 1:40 AM

"No problem.  Always glad to help...glad its helpin ya some."  You roll back a bit as you start to put stuff away.  "Not sure really.  Most grey shit tends to be like....few days. Week tops?  Who knows though.   It'll sort out when it does tho." "Oh?" You tilt your head and notice that yeah, despite the streaks of red there was no indicator that injuries were ever there..  "Huh...kinda cool.  Guessn' its a good thing to know.  Gotta admit, the outfit is kind of fuckin adorbs as well.  Though still think green is a way better color on ya."   You take a few minutes to clean up and wash some tools and offer to let Jay wash her mask, noting her eye.  "Ah dang looks like you may have bust a vessel in there.  Hows yer vision?"

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 2:30 AM

Your ears flick back as he asks what you didn't want to hear. "Uh. My right eye is perfectly fine but uhm.." You wash your mask and put it on easily afterwards. "As for my left eye, I can't see out of it at all." You look over at him and shrug as you touch the floor with both feet, "Oops? I hope it temporary... How do I deal with the busted vessel though uh hm that sounds more important." You let down your hair and bounce it around before curling your tail over it. "Mh! I like my original wardrobe but I wouldn't mind being this pink or having this fun gummy hair."

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 2:37 AM

"Ye ye. Prolly will be fine. Prolly just gotta wear a badass eyepatch for a while to let it rest up and shit."  You were hopeful if only because that was one of the many things you had no idea about.  With a smile, you lean over and whisper the location of your hidey hole. Appears to be an abandoned bunker just a bit outside the city. "The hair is pretty baller gotta say.  If it wasn't for the utter fuckwittery wouldn't have been against this whole thing but shit its just a fuckin mess."

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 2:52 AM

"Oh damn, look like a sick pirate. I even have a Halberd for it, go straight into conquer the sea times." You smile worriedly behind your mask and decide to throw the fear behind you. Best not dwell on it when you guys are about to chill the hell out and wait out the rest of this hell. You tilt your head as he tells you its location, your ear flicking and with a nod you put a hand on his shoulder. "Oh god yeah, I would be totally for this style if the manic shit wasn't behind it." You teleport to the location he told you, and blip back out for a second to teleport the car back home. Maybe that would fuck with the trails even more. Haha have fun Trace. You flash back in next to Doze and wobble a bit, "Damn that was the biggest fucking thing I ever teleported. Straight migraine damn, never teleporting a car again unless absolutely necessary." You look around the place as your vision stills and look around, "Ooh shit, maximum comfort, what movies do you have?"

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 2:59 AM

"Hell yeah.  If things go tits up we can just steal a boat and sail uh...actually we could steal a space ship and be badass fuckin space pirates."  You laugh as you finish cleaning up.

A teleport in, she's gone, then back...and looks pretty wobbley. You hold out an arm to prop her up.  So far you haven't been feeling any of the effects of sugarfication...who knows maybe your slow ass time shit is making it hard for it to stick in small quantitites.  The outside looks pretty ramshackle and barren, but after a couple corridors you find yourselves in a fairly comfortable looking room. Large throw pillows, some tacky beaded curtains for giggles and a nice entertainment system with fridge. "Ah shit I got a bit of everything.  Like to keep up on the Earth flicks going down. Guessn I'm already a pirate as is kek.  Got some cute Disney shit, some action movies, some crazy ass giant animal attack stuff, this kind of sweet ass nature documentary...even a couple rom coms though they're kind of fuckin tropey as shit."

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 3:49 AM

You pause at the beaded door way for a minute and tilt your head, pawing at them and laughing softly at the noise they make. You eventually get your arm stuck in them and have to teleport out to fix them, snickering as you do so, damn you gotta get some of these things. And I just realized you said beaded curtains but we thrive in idjit land here. You wonder around the place, getting yourself use to it before low floating back to Doze and setting down again to listen to his movie list. You snort at his joke and nod, "Pirate buds." You raise your hand for a fist bump but hesitate.. he's already touched you and not changed, this should be okay right? You look back down at the movies. "You got any tacky horror movies? I love those things."

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 3:59 AM

"BPBFs...Best pirate buds forever. Kek."  You smile and shoot her a finger pistol with your index and middle finger outstretched.  Two was your gimick, think of it as a double barrel pistol wink or something.  Bumping her paw digits with the fingers, you sit down next to her  to think. "Oh hell yeah.  The tacky ones are the best. So many of the modern ones are just way too fuckin serious. Gimmie that stupid schlock of dumb college kids summoning zombie devils anyday.  We can take bets who gonna die next."  Normally you'd recommend a drinking game of it but between bloodloss and her state probably not a good suggestion.  "Got a few that have like a whole series. You know you got the good shit when you have like 6 sequals each shittier then the last. Can just que up and marathon."

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 7:59 AM

You laugh an nod, the bestest of pirate buds. "Honestly, and yeah, I can already vote for all of them. The blonde hair girl goes first." You look over the movie titles an think about his idea, "Yeah a marathon of these should be time killing enough huh? I'm up for that, you can choose which to marathon since I picked the genre." You float away from him and around the room, setting things up to make this biggest and most comfiest looking pillowfort in the world. You even go out quickly to get some dope halloween bat and spider lights, absolutely halloweenpimpping the place out. You have to take a moment, your head screaming at how much you've done to it today. You'll soon be at your limit for teleporting for the day, better save those for more important things. Like escaping. You nest into the pillows, churring and getting everything more fluffy and comfortable for the movie. "You got any drinks or popcorn for the movies?" You hum and float back towards Doze, setting down next to him, the pillow fort finished.

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 3:26 PM

"Gonna suggest then hmm...critters marathon. Nothing like tiny lil monchy fuzzums from space. "  You grin as you pull out some soda from the fridge and get some chips.  "Way ahead of ya.  Aint a movie night without the snackrifices." You give a nod of approval to the halloween decor and pillowfort.  "Nice nice.  Ultimate Spoopy comfy town up in here now."  Sitting down, you use the remote to start up the first movie as you settle in close.  At this point you were pretty confident that being close by was not going to change you.

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 5:49 PM

"Hell yeah to both of those." You settle down next to him and tug a blanket onto you lap, your tail swishing slowly as you smile and watch the movie. When you watch movies you tend to blank out the world around you, even when you move your self you don't really register it. So as the movie goes on and you two talk off and on you don't pick up your drowsiness. You don't even pick up when you lean on Doze, draw your knees in and wrap the blanket tighter around you, your eyes drifting closed. You nod off for a few seconds and blink yourself awake, there was some things you wanted to get off your chest before passing out. You turn towards Doze with a tired hum and smile softly, "I wanted to thank you, truly, out of that crazed state of mind. You didn't have to risk yourself to help me at all and the fact that you did really means a lot to me." You rub your good eye as your tail thumps softly against the pillows. "And in the car with the tatts, sayin you'd go down with me, all the time you've calmed me down. Being there for me when few to no others were.." You rub a hand through your hair, pausing a moment as sleep starts to tug at you again. "You mean a lot to me Doze, I'm lucky to have you around." Instinct hits you straight in the heart as you use your left hand to hold up half a diamonds with your pointer an middle finger, the classic morail sign, and you don't even register you do it. "You're a damn great dude.." You continue to sleepily ramble as you move your other hand off your face an look at him with a genuine smile.

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 6:07 PM

This was nice.  At this point you've become so used to the faint smell of candy that it doesn't even register.  Just you and Jay, watching hokey movies.  After a bit you realize her banter is slowing as she slowly starts to drift, and you don't bother to try to stop that.  It's been a helluva day and fuck she probably could use fourty winks.  Need that rest to recover, heal, and all that jazz. As she starts to talk, you tilt your head and give probably one of the rare smiles that isn't a wide grin or an amused smirk.  "Ey.  That's what I'm here for.  We're innit to winnit. Better or worse. A daring duo.  And as I said, rather go down trying to do somethin than wait for the kickback in Die's fuckin closet.  Which, by the way...best hiding spot in the mansion.  Kek." You note the hand gesture, and reach up to match it.  "Pching!  Could say the same for you. Well not the dude part.  But yer amazing Jay.  Through and through.  Can't imagine the mansion or a world without'cha.  Clover has my hearts but yer a sparkly diamond in my eyes."  If the threat of candy dandification wasn't there, you'd prolly have given her forehead a kiss.  Instead you just ruffle the back of her gummy soft hair with your free hand.

Plush (JS/MI)Today at 6:43 PM

You laugh softly, locking this moment, this memory in your mind. Something to recall when you need to. Your tail thumps quicker as he ruffles your hair an completely accepts your pale feelings and returns them too. Your worst day turned to the best day. You churr softly, and just like that, being around him, realizing and being the best damn pirate morails, your sugar high self dissipates. Leaving behind good old Jay, just way more tired this time. You smile genuinely at Doze as you snuggle against him as you start to drift off again, "Hmm I wouldn't want it any other way, damn diamonds for life.. Best fuckin morail to have." Your breathing steadies and slows as you fall asleep snuggled against Doze. Your last thoughts before slipping into dream world are quick, you are going do your damn hardest to keep Doze safe from this trickster mess, you are so ever happy to have a morail and one you connect with on so many levels, you.. you are happy actually happy for the first time in a long time. You fall asleep smiling and for the first time in 15 years you dream something calm and something happy.

Mabs (PI/02)Today at 6:54 PM

You blink, as the sugar disspates and sitting next to you is the familiar Jay you know and adore.  "Same. Same here.  Besties for the resties of our lives."  You lean over to gently kiss the top of her now normal head.

"You get some rest. I'll keep an eye and ear out for trouble..."  You say as you gently pet her head while she drifts off to sleep.  Despite all the shit going down, you can't help but feel...pretty dang good.  Cause heck, this will all blow over eventually. For now, in the tiny little room in the nowhere land, things are alright.  And that's all you needed for now.

[savannahjanisxo]

boy, oh boy have I neglected posting this concert experience story (3 ½ months overdue yike) for the people who probably could care less about it, but it is finally here, & it is v v v extensive as it includes basically every detail I can recall accurately.

Here ya go, curious cats:

I went to the show in Santa Ana, CA on March 5th. I got to the venue maybe 20 or 30 minutes after doors opened, so the openers were already in the middle of their set. I dragged my older guy cousin w/ me (since my sister was doing a photoshoot in San Diego that night + the next day), & during the opener’s set, he pushed me to the front of the crowd since he knew how long I had been waiting to see hippo. Then they came out & did their thing, & holy shit. Okay, it was so worth waiting almost 2 years. Their set was so fucking surreal; I may or may not have almost cried.. Also in the middle of their set, some guy pushed to the front to let Jake take a hit off a joint, & it was p iconic lol.

After the show, the crowd waited like 5-10 minutes to disperse due to the hope of a possible encore. I then got merch & waited inside the venue for maybe 15 minutes since the last time I was at the Observatory, the band I saw met fans inside the venue, but after seeing most of the fans walking outside, I followed.. Also b/c they kicked everyone out lol.

There were maybe 60-70 (possibly even more) fans outside waiting in the parking lot for the guys, but hippo had chosen to wait everyone out until there were 30 fans max which was 1 - 1 ½ hours later. During that time, I made a few new friends since my cousin decided to just wait inside of his car for me to do my thing.

(Whistler left right after the show to spend time w/ his family, sooo y'know.. I didn’t get to meet him.)

The first boy to come out was Nathan, but he stopped to smoke a cigarette w/ security lol. We were on our way to meet him half way, but we stopped when we saw he was busy (DON’T BOTHER THEM IF THEY SEEM BUSY OKAY). We then just waited for another one of them to come out or until he was finished.

Jake:

Jake came out next, so we went over to him to take pictures & whatnot. I’ve been promising him a lame dad shirt for the past two years, & I still have yet to provide. I apologized for that as we were about to take our picture, & he simply replied, “aww, next time!” whilst rubbing my arm. Not to be dramatic, but Jake is pure sunshine. I wish I had more time to chat w/ him, but so many others were trying to speak to him as well, so after the pictures, the girls & I were off to the next boy.

Nathan:

We went to Zach since Nathan was still smoking, but everything w/ Zach will be addressed last since that was most of it.. SO after seeing Zach the first time around in the night, we went to Nathan, & my conversation w/ him is kind of a blur, but basically the gist & a few specifics: he called himself a whore (I briefly explain here for those wanting further explanation), he told me to get out of California, & I called him a hippie which he asked me to explain myself, but he was literally rolling a joint as he was giving his “stop being on your phones, go outside, & interact w/ your friends” spiel. (One of the girls took a snap video of him, & in it he says “like at the same I want the ability to be able to be here now, so.. that’s what cigarettes are all about.” C’mon hippie sticker boy, admit it.) I also brought up his twitter & how this one time late at night, & he was the only one of the boys awake, so he was bored & asked to be sent poetry. I sent a realist suggestive poem about me “doing homework when it should be you” (my recent works are definitely more tasteful & not that trashy.. but sticker boy told me the other night (in direct reference to my previous statement) that “trash is & will always be better than we think.” sooo maybe he enjoyed it? I don’t know about that cryptic boy), & he told me he didn’t remember. Then he asked me what year this happened, & I told him it happened in 2015 to which he said, “I was a different man then” lol okay, child. Little something about sticker: he comes off as a very serious person when you speak to him, but he isn’t at all. Although, he is very formal. When I first went up to him, he went in for a handshake, but I had been waiting too long for this to be a handshake; I needed it to be a hug. We then introduced ourselves.. Ooooh. I also talked to Nathan about his sister, Madeline, b/c she’s been following me on Instagram for a couple years (I didn’t even follow her first lol), & oml the look on his face when I told him that. He rolled his eyes & said, “ohhh, Madeline.” It was hilarious (love you, Maddie). Overall, we just had a 5-10(??) minute conversation about life (in the midst of the conversation, someone was pulling out of the parking lot blasting one of their songs (can’t remember which one.. violet maybe?), & Nathan yelled, “turn that shit off.” It was iconic).. Then I went back over to Zach.

Zach:

Background info:

About a week before the show, I was tweeting this boy so much? Within a week probably 30 of my tweets were liked by him; it was so excessive, & soz to anyone who was following me during that time b/c yikes. Anyway, basically the main part of it was that we were finally going to fight, & the whole Zach only liking tweets & fighting has been a running joke since 2015 okay, so this isn’t new. He also agreed to “match” outfits w/ me, hence the denim shirt over his sweatshirt.

(You can peep the embarrassing twitter thread here. Some tweets contain their own threads too js lol.)

At the actual show:

When Z finally came out, the girls I was w/ & I booked it over there, & he was chatting w/ some people, & he talks for a long time which is really nice, but also time consuming y’know. (Also oml okay as we were waiting for them to finish their conversation, this bih smiled, & I kid you not, my weak ass squealed a bit. Like those dimples? Are you fucking kidding me?) Anyway, when our turn finally came to, I went first since we had a whole plan going. It was a thing where I was going to greet him by saying something vaguely rude, so he’d be aware of the whole fighting thing b/c if I greeted him like I actually would have w/ the whole “hey, how are you,” bringing up the fight would’ve been a tad awkward, thus “Zach, you ass” was born.

(You can watch that on my twitter here. It’s also part of the thread, but eh y’know.)

Subsequently after the denim shirt talk (the video cuts right before this, but he actually apologized for not bringing his other denim shirt, & I told him that I was just happy he even brought/wore one b/c I asked, & he said, “yeah, well thanks.” what an awkward angel), I called him out about some twitter things such as why he doesn’t reply, & he said, “I just like b/c it’s like a binary sort of thing.” Then I told him that I actually would have brought him candy in which this bitch smugly replied, “maybe I don’t like candy.” Uhm this boy liked the tweet, & if it is actually a binary thing, he is indicating that he does like candy smh. Anyway, I asked, “what about donuts or something?” This bih then decided to sass me aGAIN by saying, “Whistler likes donuts,” & I was so done. BOY, NO SHIT. EVERYONE & THEIR MOTHER KNOWS WHISTLER LOVES DONUTS HOLY FUCK. I WAS USING THAT AS AN EXAMPLE FOR A SUGGESTION. Ugh then he said that I should bring him fruit, so I asked which is his favorite, & I thought to myself, “he better not say mango,” & HE DID. I was disgusted, everyone else was disgusted b/c of my reaction, & it was a mess. Then we continued to talk about fruit for a few more minutes (it was a long fruit convo) such as the correct way to eat grapefruit (peel the skin & put sugar on it), pomegranate being bomb, & yet another opposing opinion which was on putting tajín on fruit (Z hasn’t had it, so he believes that “salty things don’t belong on fruit.. that’s for pretzels” ..tajín is chili powder that tastes like candy, & it is amazing, especially on watermelon). Then I said bye to him after we took our pictures, helped the girls I was w/ take their pictures, & we went over to Nathan (which I already went over).

Second time around talking to my mango bitch: So after talking to Nathan, I went back over to Zach alone since the girls I was w/ decided to leave (it was maybe 12:15 AM at this point, & it was Sunday night, soooo y’know). My phone had also died when I was waiting to talk to Zach the first time, but then it came back on by itself when I was waiting to talk to him the second time. It was living on the edge, so I ran back to my cousin’s car to get my portable charger (we had parked right by the bus in the very front of the venue, so it was very convenient), but tHAT WAS ALSO ON THE EDGE. I went back in line, & I was the last person to talk to Zach, so it was a long time spent. We said hi again, & we took so. many. pictures. These were all snap filter ones, & we did that for a few minutes. Okay, so my bitch ass oml I made him retake a few, & at one point, I actually said, “ew, I don’t like this; we have to retake it,” & hE LAUGHED AT ME, & THEN HE MIMICKED ME. I can’t believe. Ugh okay, but a part of this was that we were going to do the infamous face swap filter, but it was unavailable, & we realized it was on the picture face swap instead right as it was finishing loading, & we both said, “wait, this is the picture one” & almost switched w/ the picture I had just taken w/ Jake. Then I asked him how tall he was, & he said, “I don’t know, 6′1?” I told him that I think he’s def 6′2. I also asked him if he was sick since I noticed he had been coughing a bit throughout the night, & he said he was, & I just kNEW he would probably get me sick too, & wow what a surprise, he did. Afterwards, I had him record a video for my best friend who couldn’t come (she started liking hippo when I did, but she is not as present in the “fandom” anymore), & I asked him if I should use the flash or not b/c I did not want to blind him w/o warning, he said whatever I want is fine, so I chose to do it w/o the flash, but ahh okay, I kept having to wave him around to try to be in better lighting, & I felt so bad. Then finally we said our goodbyes after he noticed that I was actually shivering, & he said, “well, it’s cold. I gotta go get warm; you gotta go get warm. It was so nice to see you,” & we hugged, but then we ended up walking in the same direction. As we finally broke away & I was almost to the car, he calls over & says, “I’m still only going to like your tweets,” & I deadass call back over & say, “you are annoying as fuck.” 

Post related events:

So when I got home from the show, I took to twitter to express my love & annoyance for such mango boy to acknowledge which included me tweeting him less than an hour after I left saying that he’s cute, & t’was a good fight. Also the next day (the day they had their second Conan performance), I tagged him in the comments of the first post I made of one of our pictures calling him out for not liking it & that we actually have to fight again if he doesn’t like it, & this child decided to like my cOMMENT INSTEAD. Then I commented again explaining that I was meaning the picture & not the comment, & he liked that one too. About a week later, I had told my mom & her boyfriend about the whole Zach thing, & I tweeted something my mom’s boyfriend said about me fucking up by not kissing Z (which would’ve been highly inappropriate wtf why would I??), & he liked that tweet too lmao. I was mortified. He’s liked some more stuff within that same period to now, but I cannot recall if they’d actually add anything to this?

Okay also disclaimer: I do not hate Zach, & he know this. It’s just how we are (which are two v extra people).. but he is def the bitch in our relationship thanks. 

[loseitall-ff]

8.

“Oh my god! It’s Chris Brown” hearing people say my name as I walk by them “Mylen about to go crazy when I show him what you got him” Mijo said at the side of me “he’s my nephew, you know what ever I get my daughter I get my nephew and niece” I ended up going shopping to get the latest Js, and then ended up buying them for the whole crew, both of my bodyguards holding my bags full of things “thanks though” Mijo said, waving him off “don’t be, I got you” seeing this female walking by, I whistled watching her walking by with her friends. She didn’t even seem fazed by me looking, but her friends were gasping “that ass though” turning around as I walked backwards “Ew, Jesus” seeing the females we bought along with us, Lo busted out laughing “wow, so mean” one of them said, Lo hit my arm laughing “that moment when you thought the girls you fucked with were somewhat pretty” he said as I chuckled, turning back around “we going back to the crib?” Fresh asked, nodding my head “yeah, I got a nigga dropping off some of the good stuff. Need to be there” getting my car key out of my pocket “see you there then” unlocking my car door, walking over to my Lamborghini “Breezy!” I sighed, the paparazzi got me “Mijo you getting in with me?” I shouted “Breezy, you hear what happened to Rihanna’ new man, what is your opinion on this?” the paparazzi shouted at me “for sure” Mijo said, opening the door “how you feel about Mychel?” the paparazzi got in my face, my bodyguard luckily moved him out of the way.

Driving the highway in silence, my phone started ringing. Looking down at my side panel and seeing Ava’ name, blowing out air answering the call “what?” I spat “are you on your own?” she asked “yes” I mumbled, which is a lie “I am actually glad I have got you on your own” this is why I didn’t want to really pick the phone up “what was that all about with Rihanna? You kicked me out, then you dragged me out. Told me to lose your number but then texted me” Mijo glared at me “I texted for what though? Sex, so get that right” looking in the rear view mirror, I wish I didn’t pick the phone up now “I don’t think it’s right, I have been with you for a year Chris and you are still fronting and playing me around” rubbing my chin “I don’t want a relationship and you know this, please stop pressuring me into that. But you know what, you right, I do text you. I text you because you are so open to have sex, I know for a fact your ass can’t have kids either so we good on that end” that was low of me, Ava remained silent “well I think I am going to stop this, you’re depressing me” is Ava being real “oh wow, am I really? I am giving you fame, shut up. Not my fault you tell me shit and act like I care about it” Mijo is looking at me shocked “seeing you with Rihanna, how affectionate you are, that is your ex you cheated on with me! What do you want? I don’t even think you like having an easy life. I think you enjoy having Rihanna there and then me there too but there is one thing she gets from you, that caring side to you” why is she even starting this shit “if you want to stop fucking with me then fine” I shrugged.

“You don’t care because you have Rihanna around again, you know what. I am going to make sure everyone knows everything about you. I may be the bitch you fuck on the side but I am the same bitch that is in the corner watching you, everything you do!” she shouted “I will sue your ass, you sell a story about me I will come for you” she is getting me so angry “you are a useless waste of space of a father, like the time when you didn’t want to pick your daughter up when you had custody of her because you was too busy being high and having an orgy. Useless fuck!” she screamed out, hitting my steering wheel “you fucking bitch!!! I promise you now, we are done. There is one thing I am going to do is get the person I love back, I don’t know why I fuck with you. Cheap fuck” putting the phone down.

I am glad Ava is out of my life, the bitch is stupid anyways “you good?” Mijo asked, I nodded in silence. I don’t feel like talking, I think I need to revaluate my life “you not talking now? You was good to argue with Ava” chewing my bottom lip staring ahead, I need to leave Ava alone now “I just don’t know what to say” I mumbled “talk to me then?” I shrugged “I don’t know because I don’t know why I do the stupid shit I do, the only person I want is Robyn but I don’t know. I went back to Ava, just for sex but that is a bad thing right?” Mijo chuckled “you need to quit that shit, I don’t think Rihanna would want you anyways” he has a point, who would want me “after shouting like a mad man, you still need to explain yourself about that” licking my lips sighing “listen bro, there is some things I would tell you but this, I can’t. All I can tell you, without saying anymore is that I beat Mychal up” changing the lane “nah, you joking!?” Mijo spat “I am being one hundred, which is the only thing I can tell you” he needs to figure the rest out himself.

Robyn and I haven’t really talked since then, I read up that I shouldn’t crowd the person so I am trying to keep my distance. I feel like I have messed up again, I need some self control and I need to pick what I want and I do want Robyn. Why do I do shit and then regret it knowing I made the decision myself, knowing full well this bitch Ava Robyn hates like why did I take her shopping “you look in deep thought” Lo questioned, looking up from the ground “I am just thinking, thinking what a fuck up I am, I don’t know why I do the things I do. Ava said some shit and it did get to me” I need to get my family back, I do.

Packing Liana’ bag “are you sure you don’t want to take Liana to her first class?” Noella asked me, I nodded “I am fine, I rather not leave the house.” Today Liana is having her first Ballet class, Noella is taking her because I don’t feel up to it. The thought of going out really stresses me out, I feel like people know and are judging me. My publicist already called about him, I just wanted to scream crying because his name alone sickens me, I don’t want him to win and I don’t want to be like this but I can’t help it. I am just here with no feelings “mommy I go dance now?” Liana said behind me “yeah baby” zipping her bag up “mommy not coming because I am not well” picking her bag up and passing it to Noella “oh” Liana said, she looked down in sadness “I am sorry, I will be home waiting for you though” looking over at Noella “are you sure you’re ok? It’s been like a week since you done anything, you live in the bathroom” she said so concerned about me “I am fine, I just want to stay at home” ignoring Noella’ harsh stare, my phone pinged in my hand. Staring down at the name and seeing Chris has text me, unlocking my phone.

From: Chris

To: Robyn

Not heard from you in a while, everything good? Please stop ignoring me, I am here for you x

Furrowing my eyebrows, I have been trying to not run to Chris because I feel useless. Who am I to keep on going to Chris when Chris has his own life, I am holding him down with my shit and I don’t want that either, replying back to his message.

To: Chris

From: Robyn

I am good thank you.

Hopefully he leaves it at that “mommy, I go auntie no get me food” Liana asked, holding her arms up “you know I can’t hold you, I am not well” last time I placed Liana on my hip to walk with her I was in severe pain after, I won’t try that for a while now “and yes Noella can, come. Rich will be here for you” shuffling towards the stairs, looking down at my phone.

From: Chris

To: Robyn

She gone to Ballet yet? Send me a picture

Walking down the steps slowly “I am surprised you not going? You was so excited about the ballet” Rich said pointing “not well” I lied, I was excited for her to go “she has done nothing but hide in her room and wear clothes that are ten times too big” Noella complained, reaching the bottom of the stairs “whatever, Liana come here. Daddy want a picture of you” that girl always runs off “come Maj!!” Liana shouted, hearing her running. Holding my phone up with my camera ready “here” she skipped over “he wants to see how pretty you look for ballet” I smiled, Liana did such a Chris pose. She opened her mouth with her tongue hung out “you’re terrible, you get this from your father” sending the picture to Chris “you still going London?” Rich asked “need to get some new guards” I wish I didn’t have to go “yep” I mumbled, I don’t want to go.

The house is so eerily quiet and now I feel it, I feel lonely. I guess I can cry without being interrupted, checking Chris’ message.

From: Chris

To: Robyn

Look at my princess, she is beautiful! Thanks but that means the house is all clear, I can come?

He is so slick, I won’t let him come to the home. Just because I don’t want anyone to really know and for Liana to think we are together, it’s confusing for her.

To: Chris

From: Robyn

That would actually be nice, come.

I need someone to speak too, it’s like I have to bottle this up all the time and just be normal when I am not. I am so broken, I just feel like crying. I can’t believe such a thing happened to me, to me and I let it happen. I go through it in my mind and I let it happen, I gave myself away and it kills me inside that I did. I was so desperate to prove something, to prove I am ok without Chris, the very man that pains me but yet I am running back to him. I hate myself so much, if only the world knew how depressing it is to be me.

Walking over to the front door, I told Chris to call me when he is outside. Unlocking the front door and pulling back the door “hey gorgeous” he said, I wish I could smile but I can’t “hey” I softly said back “lock the door behind you” turning around, I wish I didn’t actually go to Chris now. Just because now I feel as if I am a burden to him and also he is a guy I am trying to move on from, the very man I couldn’t keep myself.

Watching Chris walk into my living room, he is really all smiles “did you lock my door?” I asked “eh!” I pointed at his red Timberlands “my white rug” he was just about step on it “my bad” he kicked them off quickly “it’s cool” pulling my sleeves down, I feel so sleepy now “why did you ignore my calls and texts? I was so close to coming here, but then I read that I need to give you space” squinting my eyes at Chris “read?” I questioned him “I have been reading up, I want to be here for you as much as I can. I know I am not the best guy but I will try for you, it’s a big thing you have told me. I want to make it right” watching him take his bomber jacket off “you do your best Chris, I don’t know why I keep running back to you when I am trying to run away from you. Look where that got me” Chris shuffled closer to me “are you still blaming yourself? This was not your fault! He fucking did that because he is a sick fuck, stop it” Chris got comfortable in front of me, I am burdening him.

Chris clicked his fingers in my face “Robyn, is this what you have been like? Just dazing in and out” I shrugged, he frowned at me “you never had bags under your eyes, what is this? Have you been looking after yourself?” I nodded “yes” shuddering while I said, looking down at my hands “I need to have a bath” I feel dirty again, getting up from the couch “I won’t be long” feeling a hand on my wrist “no you’re not, I come to see you. Please sit down, we don’t have long” I really want a bath though, why is he stopping me “Liana will be home, you can have one after” that is true “ok” stepping back to sit down, Chris let my wrist go. Looking up at his face, his eyes met mine and he stared at me in sadness “Robyn, I love you so much. I think this is above me, you need to speak to someone that can help. I am not throwing you to the side because I will be here for you” he is being stupid now.

Chris just watched me in silence, this is stupid. We have been silent for ten minutes now, well it feels like it “Chris, I think it’s best if you don’t worry about me. I am not your problem, thank you for listening and your concern as a friend. You can have Liana, I am not capable of protecting her, you can do better” Chris shook his head “I won’t do that to you, don’t be stupid. You’re a great mother!” I have not been there for Liana at all “I can’t even go to her Ballet class, this was her first day. Look at me, I don’t want your sympathy either” I don’t want him to feel for me at all.

This hurts my heart so much to hear this from her, Liana is Robyn’ life and she would never say such a thing. Robyn needs help, she really does but she don’t want it. Rubbing my face, she came to me so I want to make sure I look after her. This is not my Robyn at all, that motherfucker has broken her “listen to me, I am not having Liana because she is happy with you. Liana loves you with all her heart, she won’t want me. I upset her babies, and you know I do” I smiled, Robyn slightly smiled at me “you’re the best mom ever and she loves you” this is so hard, I am still in shock about this myself “Robyn, this. What happened to you was not your fault, you didn’t ask for this either. Look at me” Robyn didn’t look at me, lifting her head up with my hand “you got raped, no woman asks for that. I am so sorry I let you go, I am sorry I failed you Robyn, I failed you because I cheated. You would be so happy right now, I know that baby. I promise I will rebuild you, not for my own slick way but because I owe it to you, Robyn I need you to be strong. I really do” Robyn sobbed out “I just need you to work with me” I hate her crying.

Robyn walked over to me after getting a tissue to wipe her nose “I am sorry, I will always be sorry to you. I am sorry for Ava, I am sorry for keeping her around but I needed someone to have sex with me. I am not emotionally tied to her, bitches come and go” I hate the fact Robyn puts her head down “you lift your head up, you hold your head up high. You don’t let him get you down Robyn” I won’t let Mychal win “why did you have sex with her” Robyn said, her voice broke “I didn’t think Robyn, I am a selfish man. I am sorry, look” rubbing my hands together “I feel bad, I love you so much. This hurts my heart so much, I want to be here for you because that is what I want to do for you after failing you” Robyn nodded in silence “you hate me?” she questioned, shaking my head “I love you, I have a lot to learn and change for. I didn’t protect you” such a failure I am.

I hope that isn’t Jay Brown at the door because I honestly don’t want to be hiding now, I am so emotionally tired. You know what, I did text Ava but I regretted that. I am going to torture myself too, I am not going to have sex with anyone because I do want to be back with Robyn. I need to change for my daughter too, what kind of man am I. That could easily be my daughter in that predicament, clenching my jaw. I will not allow another man to be in their life, I need to be the man in their life and to do that I need to rebuild this “Rihanna I want to say sorry” my ears perked up “No!” Robyn spat, jumping off the couch. Running to the lobby “oh fuck!” Mychal gawked in shock, my eyes widened “you motherfucker!” I shouted, he stepped back near falling back to run off. Running towards him, running out of the door Mychal slammed his car door shut. He didn’t expect me to be here at all, dragging the door open. His car engine switched on, grabbing Mychal trying to drag him out “I fucking told you! She is back with me!” I shouted “Chris please!” Robyn shouted, looking over at her. Mychal reversed the car back and I moved out of the way.

I can’t believe he came back, my fucking daughter could have been here. I am so angry right now “fuck!!” I shouted out, I am so angry. He came back, what the fuck did he come back for. Feeling a pair of arms around my body “you good” I said breathing in and out staring at the drive “I don’t think he will be back” this situation is so fucked up “Robyn, listen to me” moving back “I’m going to need you to call Leandra and Mel to come here, say you just miss them” I need people to be around Robyn, the more people the better “I need to go London, I am going to go” she said lowly “you want me to come? I don’t mind” looking down at her “I’ll call Mel, I don’t want to be a burden” shaking my head silently, if only her friends and family knew. I don’t think he will be back, I made it out that I am back with Robyn now.

[youngasthemorning-oldasthesea]

Tumblr is the perfect void to scream into

Even though I’ve already screamed out loud in this empty house and my throat is sore

This writing won’t be good, I’m not trying, this isn’t art, this is just me, in extreme pain, screaming, and using an excessive and incorrect amount of comas

I’ve come so close to posting a picture of me on my private story about this, I’ve drafted so many tweets but in the end I delete them all after each new crushing realization that nobody gives a single fuck

Literally no one

And if someone did ask what was wrong it would be out of guilt

And if someone did ask what was wrong it would be because my picture or tweet reminded them that I exist and that I might not be doing so well but nobody has ever checked up on me just to check up because they care

Nobody knows how hurt I am

I’m heart broken, not by anyone in particular but by life

I’m screaming that it’s unfair and all I get is “life’s not fair” well what do they think this is? Trial run preparing me for life? This is practice? No dumb bitch this is life so of course it’s not fucking fair and why can’t I ever point that out??

The following is from the caption of a 1 second video I made, it’s an app where you take a one second video everyday for a year and at the end you have a movie of your year. The video was of me, buried in a pillow, staring at the camera. I took it about two weeks ago when things were as bad as they’ve ever been. I wrote this a little later once things got a little better and I understood that I’d probably be ok but for a while it got so bad that it was scary because I didn’t think I’d ever be alright again, I just didn’t feel anything. Nobody knows though. I didn’t tell anyone because I knew nobody actually cared. Nobody thinks about me unless I’m right in there face and they don’t want to be reminded of me when I’m not there so I leave people be. Here it is:

I made this video instead of a cute one showcasing all the people in my life because I want my one seconds to honestly reflect my days. Not every day is fun and video ready. Some days are slow. Some days are stressful. Some days are just bad. Today is a really bad day. Nothing happened to make it bad but I hate myself today more than usual. I’ve been feeling really alone in the world lately and it’s because I’m beginning to realize that I am alone in the world. I don’t have a best friend. Or any real friends actually. I have Ada but I’m not her best friend and she has never asked me to hang out and she doesn’t text me or tell me anything. I have Parker but she has other best friends and she lives in Greenville. I’m fat even though I’m practically starving myself. I’m ugly even when I look my best. I don’t belong anywhere and I have such a hard time trusting people after what chandler and that group of girls did to me. I literally think about how much they probably hate me every time I think about sending them something or talking to them even after two months. Like sometimes I literally start to shake now because of how unknowable other people’s true opinions of me are. They really broke something in me. I don’t trust anyone anymore. I’m the only person that I have and I don’t even care about me. No boy that I want is ever going to think I’m anything special or want me because of how annoying I am and how ugly and poorly shaped I am. I’m annoying and loud at the wrong times on the surface but then when you look deeper I’m just nothing, I have no personality, I have nothing to say.

I haven’t felt this worthless and non-energetic in a really long time and I think it’s a depressive episode because there isn’t really any event happening or that has happened to trigger it. I don’t feel like doing anything or being with anyone. I have no one to talk to because no one wants to hear about my problems and I wouldn’t be able to articulate it well anyway, which would only frustrate me. I don’t have a date to js so I’m not going and I thought I grew out of that stage where I was that girl with no date and no options because I’m 17 I’ve grown up since freshmen year. I thought things were better but I guess at my core I’ll always be the girl nobody really wants to take to a dance. I’m nobody’s first choice. I never have been. Lately it seems as though everybody but me gets to be happy and gets what they want and I get nothing. Chandler broke my heart and got Deborah. Megan is so mean to me and hates me so much and she got Jackson. I haven’t done anything to anybody and I can’t even get a date to prom because people, especially guys, don’t want to be around me. I’m so uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own personality that I’m constantly aware of how awkward or annoying I’m acting and I just feel like pulling at my elbows until my skin comes off and I can be somebody new. I don’t want to kill my self but I don’t want to exist anymore. I want to run away and hide forever in most social situations and even sometimes when I’m alone. I constantly find myself saying out loud that I “want to go home” without thinking about it, even when I’m in my own home and I don’t get it. Where the fuck is my home? Where am I going to feel safe and at peace with myself? How much longer until I find that place? Because I can’t do this for much longer. I slept all night until 10:30 and I never ever take naps but I’m so emotionally drained that I’m exhausted right now and am about to sleep even though I had a large coffee a few hours ago. I think my body and my soul are just tired of being conscious and of thinking and feeling this way. It’s hopelessness, it’s worthlessness, it’s loneliness, and it’s fucking exhausting and it’s fucking terrifying. I’m scared I’m going to feel like this forever. I need somebody but I don’t trust friends after that group of girls and I don’t trust boys after chandler, everything is either too good to be true or it’s not good at all. I don’t even have the energy to turn on the tv or play music. I wish I could cry to let it it out but I can’t cry unless I’m angry or frustrated. Ive been laying in a dark bedroom for 5 hours doing nothing, no music, no tv, nothing. All because I just don’t have the energy to. All I’ve eaten today is a cheese stick and some peanuts and at first it was because I am trying so desperately to lose weight but now it’s because I can’t will myself to eat even though I’m lightheaded and dizzy, I don’t care. No one does. No one has ever checked up on me just to see if I’m ok. I’m convinced I don’t cross anybody’s mind unless I’m right there with them. Nobody ever invites me places or asks me to hang out with them and people rarely text me first or respond to me with equal enthusiasm. What is so special about me that makes me so irrelevant to everyone? Why am I seemingly the only person with absolutely nobody. It’s probably because my mom didn’t let me watch sponge bob as a kid. Idk. I’m tired though, of so many things. Maybe things will be different when I wake up, maybe I’ll want to exist then. Update: I woke up. I wish I hadn’t.