#so i hasnt been cutting bc its too damn difficult to break the skin
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#alright so...self harm is and has been a part of my life for a very long time. i think maybe 4 years now? oh self harm specifically cutting#ive done so many times for so many reasons. depressed? cut. bored? cut. anxious? cut.#like.. my left arm is in a fucking state. but theres no uhh defined scars? probably bc ive never used a blade to cut#instead the underside of my left arm is just like... a big patch of scar tissue. the skins rougher and coarser#theres a visible difference too! the skins more desaturated and grey there too#but uhh the reason im thinking abt this is cause recently ive been REALLY wanting to cut. which isnt surprising but still#and i would cut. but theres an issue with that#now i should mention that i take the metal part that holds the eraser to a pencil off and bend it and sharpen it#and thats what i use to cut bc slicing makes me uncomfortable and with this thing i have to drag it over my skin multiple times#to break the skin#and this thing isnt fucking sharp so when scar tissue builds up its really difficult to break through it and that gets annoying#so i hasnt been cutting bc its too damn difficult to break the skin#and also bc i had to throw my last metal thingy out and i cant find any more pencils with metal on them so i cant make another#...and ive tried other things#but theyre either too efficient and would slice too easily or too blunt and wouldnt cut at all#and ya know what? knowing that the only reason i havent cut my arm open again is bc i physically couldnt is really weird#i dont like that knowledge very much#oh i should tag trigger warnings b4 i run out of tags#tw: scars m#tw: self harm m#tw: cutting m#like honestly... i really want to cut but arm is too resilient at this point#which is kind of odd? ive never cut deeply. at all. so i dont know how so much scar tissue built up but ok#al rambles#vent#i was planning on looking for pencils eith metal bits on them again#and honestly i might? im not quite sure#still dont know if i could even break the skin though if i did find any metal but hey ho#also! dont interact with this post if you havent read the last post in my al rambles tag! ok? thanks
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