#so i had to smack myself and force my depressed ass to do it u til the year is over

[kyuoki]

please take this davy jones plushie from the thing I am working on cuz that's all I have to offer rn 🙏🫶

[thebatterdartist-blog]

Hunger

Have you ever tried to force yourself to eat

Why is it that i can't eat

When i wake in the morning i'm famished

Maybe due to the fact that  hadn't eaten two days before

I don't think i have an eating disorder, i think i may actually be depressed

Is it still depression if you aren't  in denial about it ? If you accept it and acknowledge depression are you really depressed?

Why can't i eat? Food used to be everything to me. I used to surprise so many with the amount that i could intake. People used to brag for me and my ability to eat any and everything and not gain a single pound. Or if i did gain weight i've never gotten complaints on where it landed.

Ass and boobs, thighs and no gut. I've always eaten so much. Ever since I escaped that near death situation. Where i was rarely fed and if i didn't eat i would be beaten until my back bled.

Where she would make a meal, sit in front of me and let her plate. Where i would starving watch the obese living inside her satisfy her appetite. While my belly would growl and tumble, rendering me weaker and weaker. When she finally did make my plate , there was added pressure. She’d grab the extension cord, and sit two feet from me. Staring. Burning a hole in the side of my cheek. Avoiding eye contact i stare at my plate, wondering if i would enjoy the meal as she did. She would tell me “EAT OR I WILL BEAT YOUR FACE OFF”. sternly gripping the extension chord and a malous stare…. I am no longer hungry but now do i have a choice?

If i didn't eat fast enough i would be greeted with a sharp welt to the face. She had good distance with the extension cord. To be obese and barely able to lift herself her strength was alarming.

You know what's odd, i feel like i ' m still that little girl awaiting to be smacked with the extension cord every time i sit and eat. The act of chewing makes me gag and for some reason u cant keep food down unless i'm absolutely starving. I have food at home, i have funds to go buy a meal yet, i have no desire to eat. Physically that is. … i am so hungry. I want to eat my favorite meals. I want to eat the meal i cook for my husband and children. I am starving. I am famished… but the taste of food makes me cringe… i have been eating junk.. But very recently can't tolerate snacks… so now i'm down to liquids. I am disappearing into [thin] air. My mother says i look unhealthy.. Does she think i know that.

I look in the mirror every wake and am not satisfied with what i see. I don't know what is wrong with me. This began in 2011, and it worsened after i gave birth to my first son… it's been four years and i'm at my peak of “worst”. I weigh less than 115 lbs and i am weak. I want to eat.  Tried to put myself on a high protein diet and added ensure and boost, even pediasure… no success.

Is this related to depression? Is it possible i've been depressed all this time when i thought i was happy?

I don't think i'm too fat. At this point i am too skinny. I need meat on my bones. Not to mention having kids changed me. My body will never be the same and i honestly hate what i've become. I hate my body i hate my life i hate my hair. I hate my breast. I hate it all. I had two kids and i breastfed both up until about three months or until my supply depleted. Now i have too little ant bites that hang.. But i have no weight so they don't even hang...they're just ..there. Wrinkled just like my ambition and motivation..gone

My knee is fucked up somehow i'm assuming from all the sports i've played in life so working out has come to a halt which puts project ix my body on hold. My husband gets back in less than a month and he says he will still love me but i don't think he will like what he sees. I don't think he will love what he sees i don't think in 10 years he will still love me…

I just want a nice meal. I don't want to deal, i don't want to feel i just want to eat and be healthy. I want to be happy why do i have to fight for happiness why is it easier to be upset and miserable… thats draining me. How can i escape my own misery?