#so i guess im one week of no social interaction away from mc losing it basically and untethering from reality and functionality . and such

[lettucedloophole]

i am actually getting so depressed it's really bad,,, i don't feel like doing anything regularly i just feel like a huge pile of mush 🫠 really stressed about what this means for my schoolwork. wish i could just snap myself out of it by needing to do something but i don't need to do anything. i can't feel the fear necessary to fuel my academic pursuits but i Do still feel Anxiety which is maybe why i keep having nightmares lately. rewatched and finished watching the good place which was nice... it kind of begs a lot of questions about stuff though which is not so nice. i feel so... rotty just staying home all day talking to no one. i wonder if i will ever get back a thirst for what existence has to offer, or if i'll slowly fizzle out until i die. i honestly don't know what to do for myself anymore. how do i fix my brain's function??? i wish i could enjoy things and feel motivation. i sleep so often now, i just go to sleep when i don't feel like doing things anymore so i know i'm probably oversleeping quite a bit. existing like this is just so fucked and everyone i know irl, friends or people i'm trying to be friends with, are too busy to pay me any attention, and i feel guilty when i'm upset about that because its not their fault they have Lives and Responsibilities and i don't. i feel like a zombie. i hope i can just make it thru this semester and things will get better in the winter when i'm taking a break. or maybe when i try a new depression treatment.

i kind of feel this feeling that's like a depressing version of contentment. i feel like everything's already been done and there's nothing i could possibly do that would mean anything. i feel like i need to unconvince myself of this to live happily but that's really hard when i've already lived in it for awhile. i just can't go on like... living like this, though. i'll just die of boredom or eventually kill myself if everything continues to be so futile. being stuck at home is like actually killing me slowly along with the mental illness and such