#so i feel reassured but i still haven't talked to him about Mom bc... i just can never find the right moment & words

[girltomboy]

My mom finally texted me Monday evening, but I didn't see her texts right away because I had my data off and was away from my phone for most of the evening. I did see them yesterday and she wrote something like "Even if I'm upset with you I still miss you and think of you", but then when I didn't reply right away she got passive aggressive, and kept saying "I won't text you anymore, it's clear that I'm bothering you" (I hadn't even seen the texts, mind you, this was like 1 hour after the initial message). So yesterday when I opened Whatsapp and saw her messages I replied saying I'd been waiting for a reply from her for two weeks, she leaves me on read all that time and then gets upset that I don't reply right away to her passive aggressive message? I told her I can't really get over the fact that my family is comfortable discarding and abandoning me for weeks for reasons invented by them, and I waited for her to reply to the texts I last sent her, since I didn't do anything to warrant such treatment. Anyway, the last message from her said "I won't message you anymore-" and something else I didn't get to read because she deleted it. So now idrk what to say to her, the last message in the conversation is still mine, and I'm confused by her attitude. I think she already got back from my hometown, I saw something about that when I skimmed her last text in the notification. And I was gonna ask about that, but now that she deleted her message I'm not sure how to proceed, and this confusion and frustration is a bit too much for me, considering I literally did nothing wrong and she just decided she hates me one day.

[mynameisnot-carl]

WDJSKOWKW😭😭😭😭 (thoughts about one piece episodes 233-234)

Dude I'm not even done with episode 234 but I'm stimming sm rn I just had to talk abt this

So to set the scene: Nami, Ussop, and Luffy are all in water 7 hoping to get the merry fixed with the money they got from skypeia, and ussop is the one holding the money. The Franky family kidnaps ussop and takes the money, which leaves nami and luffy to split up and nami to find ussop.

Yk how you don't really notice someone getting taller if you see them everyday, but if you go look at old pictures or haven't seen them in a while it's like "woaahhh dude you got so big!!"

That's how I feel about one piece character development. Maybe it's bc of the pacing and length of the show or maybe bc it's done more subtly then modern shows but like

There was an anime filler arc abt some mf who steals memories and the gang got reverted to their prior selves before going on their adventure and it was really cool to see the dynamics of the crew like that

Nami being untrusting and focused on money was expected bc she's basically still like that but with luffy and her crew as the exception to the rule. And even down to the way the characters talked there was some fun call backs like luffy calling his hat his treasure which to my knowledge he hadn't said since back in orange town when the episode numbers were still in the 2 digits (cries)

Ussop was fsr more annoying then normal however, mostly bc of his excessive lying. I didn't like him at first, but over time he just sort of got better and I could quite figure out why. Until in this arc when I realized that ussop lies less over time. I mean yes lying is still a big part of his character yk but like he only rlly does it when nessisary/its a fitting moment now which makes him a lot more sympathetic. I wish he had a worse origin then having a deadbeat dad and dead mom tho lol

Anyway all this to say he is still a coward (but now much more reasonably so and does put up a fight when he has too) and still a liar but slowly over time it gets less so and he becomes more responsible and even becomes a temporary shipright of sorts like how vivi was a sort of doctor before chopper (MY GOAT)

So we see ussop beat up and bloody after the Franky family takes the skypeia money and nami rushes to him asking him to wake up, asking if the Franky family did this

Her face seems really concerned and frustrated that someone did this to him, emotions we pretty much haven't seen from her in the series up until now, ussop let's out a few shakey breaths before awnsering "yeah. because I'm weak. They- they took all the money..."

He begins to cry and the voice acting is seriously superb at showing these emotions and he continues "Nami, how will I face the others?! We were about to have the merry reparied!! I'm so ashamed.. damnit!"

Heartbreaking scene but also it really shows the level of character development ussop has gone through. He's always one of the most shameless characters in this show, I mean half his character is lying and cowardice you can't get much more shameless then that. And to see him be ashamed like that is so like holy shit wtf sjsosjdjdir

AND THEN

Nami reassures him that it's okay and she understands him and that they'll get the money back. And I'm just fucking blown away at how far they've come. Her whole thing in the east blue is money and her own skin over everyone and everything else, and for her to be so much more concerned with ussops safety and health then the money is so fucking sick dude. She's actually come so far dude from pirate theif to pirate im going to cry 😭😭😭😭

Oh also in skypeia Enel basically gave her the same opertunity arlong did of sticking with a super powerful evil dude until the time comes when she can leave/double cross him but she actively chose to fight even without knowing sanji and ussop were coming to save her, showing how she's moved passed that tattoo on her shoulder that represents survival as her number one priority and how she's part of something bigger then herself now and all of this without even MENTIONING Arlong like say I'm reading into it too much but I'm telling you the subtle subtext goes FUCKING CRAZY IN THIS GODAMN SHOW ABOUT PIRATES AAAAAAAAAJEKDJROEJDJD 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭ITS SO PEAK

[buried-in-autumn-leaves]

Yet another OC introduction post !!! The olba ones will have their dolls for all 4 steps bc I haven't decided on future looks for Freya and Trixie-

ANYWAYZ-

Aurora King !! She is part of my main Baxter line- There's a LOT of posts ab her on my blog with more info, but here's like a basic (?) rundown.

Step one Aurora is (like every version of her), very emotionally driven. She has always drawn her inspiration from fairytails, prefering to stay inside whenever the others go to the beach due to her hatred of sand. She has the nervous preset, and though others call her shy, she's really just cautious and soft-spoken. She gets attached to Cove because he's also quiet, and she thinks he's a lot nicer than he first appears, like some of the people in her stories.

She's willing to put up with the beach for him, enjoying his ideas about mermaids and other mythical possibilities below the waves. She also really likes Shiloh, though she's upset that he always seems to like Lizzie more, when Lizzie isn't even nice all the time like she is. (No offense of course, she adores her sister.)

She has sensory issues, making some things harder than necessary, like the fireworks moment. She thinks rules are important, and though Cove has a bit of a bad influence on her, she mostly sticks to that, keeping close to her moms and sister.

Above all else, she is determined that she can be just as happy as the princesses in her books- She just has to believe.

Step Two pushes her idealism to a hard point. Life was so great, she doesn't understand what went wrong. It's like suddenly her moms are too busy for her, her sister HATES her, and Cove isn't exactly the easiest to talk to. Not that she would want to bother her best friend with something silly like that, though.

She pretends, mostly. Smiles at her mothers and waves happily as her sister ignores her attempts at hanging out for the nth day in a row. She knows now that this anxiety- This knawing feeling in her gut clawing at the back of her throat won't go away. Her meds help, but she's having trouble coping with it. The first time Cove sneaks into her bedroom window, she almost pushes him back OUT in her panic.

She likes Derek a lot- He seems a lot like her, optimistic and loving and just kind in a way she admires. She's not oblivious, she notices the way he treats her compared to Cove. For a bit, she thinks this might be the fairytale she's been wishing for, but they're both so unsure about themselves, and the moment passes.

She enjoys going outside more due to Cove constantly dragging her to the beach, but she swears if he wakes her up before at LEAST 10 one more time, he's getting locked out. She copes with the sand by stubbornly wearing thick stockings under her dresses, insisting she isn't suffering in the california heat.

And then there's another boy- One filled with the same hatred of the world and scorn towards others that Cove had, and he makes Aurora smile. She's done this once before, she wants to help him too. He refuses, but she stays consistent, offering him reassurance until he's walking out of her life.

Life is hard when you're 13- she thinks -but the storybooks always have happy endings.

Alright, she's about done with the waiting now. Highschool flew by easily, and she displays her acomplishments with pride. She's also finished the rough draft of her first official book- The Obsidian Crown.

She's going to college, something that both excites and scares her. It might not be far to most people (a six hour drive north, still in California), but the thought of being that far from the only place she's known makes her feel nauseous.

But she did it- She made it to the age where anything is supposed to be possible. This summer is about celebration and looking forward instead of back.

Of course, life is never that simple.

Whatever forces exist beyond her have apparently decided to take the phrase 'Small World' to the extreme. She has her sister back, which makes her happier than her 13 year old self would've expected. She has Shiloh, who makes her feel bittersweet, but in coming back into her life brought Jeremy back with him.

Aurora latches onto Jeremy immediately, declaring their reunion an act of fate. ("We have the same last name, we're basically siblings!") She calls him almost weekly, insisting that being forced to talk about his day is good for him. His reaction the first time she introduced him to Terry and Miranda over video call as her brother is the most emotion she's ever seen from him, even if it was negative.

Then, to her astonishment, there's Baxter. Her panic fires up when the mystery prince from the dance recognizes her, but she somehow manages to not lose her breakfast on the sidewalk. Cove teases her relentlessly, disappoving in the nicest way he can when the two start dating. At one point, Aurora gifts him the handwritten copy of her book. He requests she sign it, which she does, although embarrassed.

Aurora is happy. She has her big sister, she has her little brother, even if he likes to pretend they don't know each other. Her friends, her parents, her prince. Her story is almost at its happily ever after.

Until it isn't.

She had tried to ignore Baxter's promise of only being with her for the summer. It didn't fit into her fairytale idealism. So it manages to catch her off guard when he dumps her. She leaves him at his door, turning and going not home but to Cove. Cove comforts her in whatever ways he knows how, and looking back, she would say he did a damn good job. But she was vulnerable, and Cove has always had a habit of resorting to humour, so she should've seen it coming when he points out that he said it was a bad idea to get involved with the victorian emo nightmare.

It's the only time she ever actually hit someone.

In the end it's Miranda who gets her out of her room, convincing her to eat and wash her hair after days of surviving off the snacks stashed in her desk.

She turns back to her stories, using her experiences as inspiration for her next two books: "A Still Ocean" and "Shattered Silence: A Poetry Collection".

She goes to her brothers graduation, giggling at the way his face goes red and he makes a quick exit, making sure to stay as far away from her as possible. She meets his best friend- Pran is a nice girl, she thinks, she just needs time.

She gives up dancing- It reminded her of him too much.

She goes to college, where she meets a girl who also had the displeasure of knowing Baxter, and the two laugh, comparing old pictures of him and confirming his fashion sense has never been any less funny.

She smiles, and for now, she decides, that's enough.

The summer of 2021 is... eventful to say the least.

June brings her back to the city, where Derek is, smiles and all. It brings his brothers, who look as adorable as ever. It brings his parents, who fawn over her as if she's one of their own.

July brings resolution. It brings her family together. It brings jumping onto Cove out of a taxi, making fun of the fact that he never seems to stop getting taller. It brings Lizzie, who pretends to not know how Shiloh is doing even though Aurora definitely saw a text from him on her sisters' phone. It brings a cool wind, a promise of colder weather to come.

August... brings Baxter. It brings heartbreak and anger and messages never sent. It brings the discovery that not only does Baxter STILL HAVE the handwritten draft she gave him, but every other book she's published- Lined up on a shelf in Baxter's apartment that he rushes to explain away. It brings tears. It brings dances years too late. It brings forgiveness. It brings NEW promises- Ones to stay in touch, to talk, to tell the truth. To love. It brings another disapproving look from Cove that she sees melt away as he watches them dance.

It brings an end, and a beginning.

[unopenablebox]

god this is long sorry. mention of various familial deaths previously mentioned on this blog cw or something

🌸 is now having an issue at work that's likely to cause them a great deal of stress/emotional distress for like a medium length period? im expecting that they'll be really busy and need emotional support/benefit a lot from having things reduced in friction e.g. me taking care of dishes and food more etc.

which is, you know, fine. except that well

as you know my grandfather died last week and i spent most of last week 1. in a state of paralyzing terror about my own work thing, now resolved 2. traveling on short notice so i could be emotional/logistical help for my dad whose father just died, which i did like. a moderately ok job at i would say. i was better than nothing

and also my mom has 1. had a lot of feelings about her recently dead father brought up by all this 2. also been having a lot of feelings about him because w the exception of coming back for the funeral she has been staying in my grandparents' house in another city so she can sort through and get rid of his belongings AND 3. my grandmother, who had to go and come back w her for the funeral which she found exhausting bc she's 92, is increasingly confused/obstinate and this causes my mom lots of stress and angst directly and also again about her dad being dead bc thats why my grandmother is coping worse.

and dealing with all of this in person was really tiring and also helping to organize/cook for/personally host Mourning Shabbat Dinner on one day's notice was exhausting, and also i guess i am also one of the people whose grandfather just died and other grandfather died like six months ago but i don't really think there's a ton of space for me to consider if i think that's relevant

and to be honest i was kind of looking forward to this week as one where i could take it easy a little mentally, like, my mom would still text me random distressing mementos of my grandfather's early life, but work should be pretty chill this week & my dad still has a lot of his family & friends around him so might not need me quite as much & i do have to try and manage my not-entirely-voluntary new trainee at work but nothing terrible happens to him if i fuck up it a little; & so i basically did nothing but get home and pass out last night because i figured it would help me feel better & i could spend more time w 🌸 later in the week and get back on track

but instead-- this. which is fine, right, i have slack, i can do the dishes and make some dinners and try to be distracting and helpful and reassuring. but it turns out that if 🌸 is having a hard time and i need to express feelings/want emotional support i talk to my mom. and my attempt to express the concept "well i'm a bit stressed out because i was hoping to be able to recover a bit this week and save my emotional reserves for supporting you and dad, and instead this happened, so now i feel really preemptively exhausted and anxious and a little sad that i am going into month two of it being impossible to have pleasant relaxed interactions with my partner" was so impossible for my mother to process right now at her current level of exhaustion/distress that she literally just fell silent and then changed the subject without ever directly acknowledging it, which is. not typical for her. so she's clearly not available for anything resembling me needing emotional support from her. which is again incredibly understandable.

but, you know, it turns out there are three people on earth i can call if i am having a hard time and they are all having a much more direct hard time and i am mainly having a hard time about how upset they are. so. instead i guess i will say nothing to anyone? and vaguely regret not forming more highly emotionally intimate personal friendships with people? i suppose technically there's two other people where it wouldn't be an insane overstep but one i haven't talked to in 6 months, one lives in australia now, and theyve both always been way more busy and stressed and hard-to-schedule than me and i don't think that will be changing ever

at least i have a blog i guess. writing this is probably good or something. i mean it is but i don't know if this is going to perform the same function, i don't mean to denigrate the benefits i get from having online friends, which are considerable

[peacockwinchester]

Was watching spooky tiktoks, so time to talk about paranormal things I've experienced.

First, I've never seen a ghost. I hear them occasionally, especially at night when I have my white noise machine on. It sounds different than my thoughts. It sounds like someone speaking in the room and not my thoughts, because the voices have pitch and tone, whereas my thoughts are just flat.

Now, physical happenings. When I was little, I was at a friend's house playing in her room. The door slammed shut, all the windows were closed. And no one was around. The house was old and near to an old school house in the country. As previously mentioned, I hear things occasionally. I think I'd hear them more often if I let myself, but I don't like to listen bc of my anxiety (once heard a guy say something abt a microwave, which my house doesn't have). I have technically seen a ghost cat for a split second without my glasses on. I accounted for my two indoor cats. One was the wrong color and the other was actively eating in another room. My cats act weary around the electrical room in our basement. Could be nothing, but one cat always flances up that way when eating, and likes for me to stand nearby and watch her. Another thing, I have heard voices outside of my house. I was at work once, around 7:30 at night in the winter. I was taking boxes out to the dumpster and I heard a feminine voice say something that sounded like 'Help'. I sometimes mishear things on account of my auditory processing disorder. I came back out with another harmful of boxes and heard the same voice say the same thing. I refused to go back out there alone. I'm not stupid.

Other stuff I'm not sure how to categorize. I have seen dead relatives many times in my dreams, despite it being years since they passed and me not having been close to them. My mom's grandpa died freshman year, and I got one of his favorite blankets. I sleep under it every night and I saw him sometimes in my dreams. He always wanted me to reassure my mom. I haven't seen him recently. I saw a shadow person in a dream, looming in our basement pantry. Could be nothing, as I'd been having vivid horror movie like dreams for a week or so during that period. But still. It didn't do anything. Just stood in the door. Also, sometimes I hear people get home early. Like I have headphones on and I hear my mom get home and here her call out to my sister and I like she does when she gets home. I go out to see what's up and no one's there. My sister heard nothing. It sounds like the voices I hear too, with pitch and tone. I feel like I sometimes can sense energy changes too, but it isn't very reliable, as I do have anxiety issues.

PS my sister sees ghosts and shadow people. There are wuite a few she's seen. Also, random thought, why do you guys think autism developed. It's genetic, so it must have had an advantage. Maybe something that is bad to look directly at? Just a thought, as someone who can't bear to even look at drawings of dangerous cryptids. Especially the eyes.