#so i feel reassured but i still haven't talked to him about Mom bc... i just can never find the right moment & words

[girltomboy]

My mom finally texted me Monday evening, but I didn't see her texts right away because I had my data off and was away from my phone for most of the evening. I did see them yesterday and she wrote something like "Even if I'm upset with you I still miss you and think of you", but then when I didn't reply right away she got passive aggressive, and kept saying "I won't text you anymore, it's clear that I'm bothering you" (I hadn't even seen the texts, mind you, this was like 1 hour after the initial message). So yesterday when I opened Whatsapp and saw her messages I replied saying I'd been waiting for a reply from her for two weeks, she leaves me on read all that time and then gets upset that I don't reply right away to her passive aggressive message? I told her I can't really get over the fact that my family is comfortable discarding and abandoning me for weeks for reasons invented by them, and I waited for her to reply to the texts I last sent her, since I didn't do anything to warrant such treatment. Anyway, the last message from her said "I won't message you anymore-" and something else I didn't get to read because she deleted it. So now idrk what to say to her, the last message in the conversation is still mine, and I'm confused by her attitude. I think she already got back from my hometown, I saw something about that when I skimmed her last text in the notification. And I was gonna ask about that, but now that she deleted her message I'm not sure how to proceed, and this confusion and frustration is a bit too much for me, considering I literally did nothing wrong and she just decided she hates me one day.

[buried-in-autumn-leaves]

Yet another OC introduction post !!! The olba ones will have their dolls for all 4 steps bc I haven't decided on future looks for Freya and Trixie-

ANYWAYZ-

Aurora King !! She is part of my main Baxter line- There's a LOT of posts ab her on my blog with more info, but here's like a basic (?) rundown.

Step one Aurora is (like every version of her), very emotionally driven. She has always drawn her inspiration from fairytails, prefering to stay inside whenever the others go to the beach due to her hatred of sand. She has the nervous preset, and though others call her shy, she's really just cautious and soft-spoken. She gets attached to Cove because he's also quiet, and she thinks he's a lot nicer than he first appears, like some of the people in her stories.

She's willing to put up with the beach for him, enjoying his ideas about mermaids and other mythical possibilities below the waves. She also really likes Shiloh, though she's upset that he always seems to like Lizzie more, when Lizzie isn't even nice all the time like she is. (No offense of course, she adores her sister.)

She has sensory issues, making some things harder than necessary, like the fireworks moment. She thinks rules are important, and though Cove has a bit of a bad influence on her, she mostly sticks to that, keeping close to her moms and sister.

Above all else, she is determined that she can be just as happy as the princesses in her books- She just has to believe.

Step Two pushes her idealism to a hard point. Life was so great, she doesn't understand what went wrong. It's like suddenly her moms are too busy for her, her sister HATES her, and Cove isn't exactly the easiest to talk to. Not that she would want to bother her best friend with something silly like that, though.

She pretends, mostly. Smiles at her mothers and waves happily as her sister ignores her attempts at hanging out for the nth day in a row. She knows now that this anxiety- This knawing feeling in her gut clawing at the back of her throat won't go away. Her meds help, but she's having trouble coping with it. The first time Cove sneaks into her bedroom window, she almost pushes him back OUT in her panic.

She likes Derek a lot- He seems a lot like her, optimistic and loving and just kind in a way she admires. She's not oblivious, she notices the way he treats her compared to Cove. For a bit, she thinks this might be the fairytale she's been wishing for, but they're both so unsure about themselves, and the moment passes.

She enjoys going outside more due to Cove constantly dragging her to the beach, but she swears if he wakes her up before at LEAST 10 one more time, he's getting locked out. She copes with the sand by stubbornly wearing thick stockings under her dresses, insisting she isn't suffering in the california heat.

And then there's another boy- One filled with the same hatred of the world and scorn towards others that Cove had, and he makes Aurora smile. She's done this once before, she wants to help him too. He refuses, but she stays consistent, offering him reassurance until he's walking out of her life.

Life is hard when you're 13- she thinks -but the storybooks always have happy endings.

Alright, she's about done with the waiting now. Highschool flew by easily, and she displays her acomplishments with pride. She's also finished the rough draft of her first official book- The Obsidian Crown.

She's going to college, something that both excites and scares her. It might not be far to most people (a six hour drive north, still in California), but the thought of being that far from the only place she's known makes her feel nauseous.

But she did it- She made it to the age where anything is supposed to be possible. This summer is about celebration and looking forward instead of back.

Of course, life is never that simple.

Whatever forces exist beyond her have apparently decided to take the phrase 'Small World' to the extreme. She has her sister back, which makes her happier than her 13 year old self would've expected. She has Shiloh, who makes her feel bittersweet, but in coming back into her life brought Jeremy back with him.

Aurora latches onto Jeremy immediately, declaring their reunion an act of fate. ("We have the same last name, we're basically siblings!") She calls him almost weekly, insisting that being forced to talk about his day is good for him. His reaction the first time she introduced him to Terry and Miranda over video call as her brother is the most emotion she's ever seen from him, even if it was negative.

Then, to her astonishment, there's Baxter. Her panic fires up when the mystery prince from the dance recognizes her, but she somehow manages to not lose her breakfast on the sidewalk. Cove teases her relentlessly, disappoving in the nicest way he can when the two start dating. At one point, Aurora gifts him the handwritten copy of her book. He requests she sign it, which she does, although embarrassed.

Aurora is happy. She has her big sister, she has her little brother, even if he likes to pretend they don't know each other. Her friends, her parents, her prince. Her story is almost at its happily ever after.

Until it isn't.

She had tried to ignore Baxter's promise of only being with her for the summer. It didn't fit into her fairytale idealism. So it manages to catch her off guard when he dumps her. She leaves him at his door, turning and going not home but to Cove. Cove comforts her in whatever ways he knows how, and looking back, she would say he did a damn good job. But she was vulnerable, and Cove has always had a habit of resorting to humour, so she should've seen it coming when he points out that he said it was a bad idea to get involved with the victorian emo nightmare.

It's the only time she ever actually hit someone.

In the end it's Miranda who gets her out of her room, convincing her to eat and wash her hair after days of surviving off the snacks stashed in her desk.

She turns back to her stories, using her experiences as inspiration for her next two books: "A Still Ocean" and "Shattered Silence: A Poetry Collection".

She goes to her brothers graduation, giggling at the way his face goes red and he makes a quick exit, making sure to stay as far away from her as possible. She meets his best friend- Pran is a nice girl, she thinks, she just needs time.

She gives up dancing- It reminded her of him too much.

She goes to college, where she meets a girl who also had the displeasure of knowing Baxter, and the two laugh, comparing old pictures of him and confirming his fashion sense has never been any less funny.

She smiles, and for now, she decides, that's enough.

The summer of 2021 is... eventful to say the least.

June brings her back to the city, where Derek is, smiles and all. It brings his brothers, who look as adorable as ever. It brings his parents, who fawn over her as if she's one of their own.

July... brings Baxter. It brings heartbreak and anger and messages never sent. It brings the discovery that not only does Baxter STILL HAVE the handwritten draft she gave him, but every other book she's published- Lined up on a shelf in Baxter's apartment that he rushes to explain away. It brings tears. It brings dances years too late. It brings forgivess. It brings NEW promises- Ones to stay in touch, to talk, to tell the truth. To love. It brings another disapproving look from Cove that she sees melt away as he watches them dance.

August brings resolution. It brings her family together. It brings jumping onto Cove out of a taxi, making fun of the fact that he never seems to stop getting taller. It brings Lizzie, who pretends to not know how Shiloh is doing even though Aurora definitely saw a text from him on her sisters' phone. It brings a cool wind, a promise of colder weather to come.

It brings an end, and a beginning.

[unopenablebox]

god this is long sorry. mention of various familial deaths previously mentioned on this blog cw or something

🌸 is now having an issue at work that's likely to cause them a great deal of stress/emotional distress for like a medium length period? im expecting that they'll be really busy and need emotional support/benefit a lot from having things reduced in friction e.g. me taking care of dishes and food more etc.

which is, you know, fine. except that well

as you know my grandfather died last week and i spent most of last week 1. in a state of paralyzing terror about my own work thing, now resolved 2. traveling on short notice so i could be emotional/logistical help for my dad whose father just died, which i did like. a moderately ok job at i would say. i was better than nothing

and also my mom has 1. had a lot of feelings about her recently dead father brought up by all this 2. also been having a lot of feelings about him because w the exception of coming back for the funeral she has been staying in my grandparents' house in another city so she can sort through and get rid of his belongings AND 3. my grandmother, who had to go and come back w her for the funeral which she found exhausting bc she's 92, is increasingly confused/obstinate and this causes my mom lots of stress and angst directly and also again about her dad being dead bc thats why my grandmother is coping worse.

and dealing with all of this in person was really tiring and also helping to organize/cook for/personally host Mourning Shabbat Dinner on one day's notice was exhausting, and also i guess i am also one of the people whose grandfather just died and other grandfather died like six months ago but i don't really think there's a ton of space for me to consider if i think that's relevant

and to be honest i was kind of looking forward to this week as one where i could take it easy a little mentally, like, my mom would still text me random distressing mementos of my grandfather's early life, but work should be pretty chill this week & my dad still has a lot of his family & friends around him so might not need me quite as much & i do have to try and manage my not-entirely-voluntary new trainee at work but nothing terrible happens to him if i fuck up it a little; & so i basically did nothing but get home and pass out last night because i figured it would help me feel better & i could spend more time w 🌸 later in the week and get back on track

but instead-- this. which is fine, right, i have slack, i can do the dishes and make some dinners and try to be distracting and helpful and reassuring. but it turns out that if 🌸 is having a hard time and i need to express feelings/want emotional support i talk to my mom. and my attempt to express the concept "well i'm a bit stressed out because i was hoping to be able to recover a bit this week and save my emotional reserves for supporting you and dad, and instead this happened, so now i feel really preemptively exhausted and anxious and a little sad that i am going into month two of it being impossible to have pleasant relaxed interactions with my partner" was so impossible for my mother to process right now at her current level of exhaustion/distress that she literally just fell silent and then changed the subject without ever directly acknowledging it, which is. not typical for her. so she's clearly not available for anything resembling me needing emotional support from her. which is again incredibly understandable.

but, you know, it turns out there are three people on earth i can call if i am having a hard time and they are all having a much more direct hard time and i am mainly having a hard time about how upset they are. so. instead i guess i will say nothing to anyone? and vaguely regret not forming more highly emotionally intimate personal friendships with people? i suppose technically there's two other people where it wouldn't be an insane overstep but one i haven't talked to in 6 months, one lives in australia now, and theyve both always been way more busy and stressed and hard-to-schedule than me and i don't think that will be changing ever

at least i have a blog i guess. writing this is probably good or something. i mean it is but i don't know if this is going to perform the same function, i don't mean to denigrate the benefits i get from having online friends, which are considerable

[one-abuse-survivor]

hiya, it's me, the milky way

i just read your last response, bc tumblr seems to have eaten the notif, or it got lost when switching phones (yep, i finally got a new phone :D) thanks so much for the reassuring words; even tho i know my mom is just spewing bs, it's hard to solidly believe that, so thanks for confirming that.

a few days ago i talked to my dad (he was even less helpful than my mom) and he's basically putting all of my issues on "puberty" and "hormones" so i obviously asked how to do it better anyway and he said something along the lines of "you'll grow out of it" or "you'll just have to wait it out" so i was like "ok, sure" but he still expects me to do better right now,which just doesn't make sense. it sucks a lot to have my dad constantly blaming everything on puberty and hormones and expecting me to be better right now even though there is nothing i can do against puberty and hormones.

also there's this thing where my dad makes lots and lots of comments and jokes on other peoples costs and most of them aren't even funny and both me and my mom tell him to stop but he still doesn't. also he often calls me nicknames or pet names and i hate it but he doesn't stop even if i tell him to (he usually just laughs it off) and i though about just straight up telling him how much it hurts everytime he does it but i haven't yet gotten to do that.

another thing that just happened today was that my brother broke up with his gf and my parents were like "we saw that coming" and when i asked them how/why, they said something about having noticed changes in my brother's mood and behavior and like, that hurt because for some reason they can pick apart every little change in my brother but my issues just don't exist. i really feel like my parents aren't just subconsciously avoiding my problems but more purposefully ignoring them. and that just fills me with an entire wildfire of rage and anger towards them

yeah, anyways, thanks for making the tumblr search be able to find all the posts, thanks for doing what you do, i hope you're having a great summer so far. for me it's been rain for the most part.

:)

it's the milky way :)

nothing really changed since the last ask i sent (i believe i sent another one at some point but it might've gotten eaten by tumblr)

but school started again this week and i hate it so so much, there's just so many people everywhere and our timetable is not very well thought out and annoying (lots and lots of walking between classes, even in the short breaks)

i like to think i'm coping well because i have not yet missed any homework and i think my sleep schedule isn't as bad as last year (around 7.5 hours of sleep per night) but i had nightmares in the last 3 nights which kinda ruined them, which makes it so i actually enjoy getting less sleep without nightmares over this.

i also found out that my brother has a therapist (kinda? idk exactly how it works but there is someone getting paid to help him through stuff) and he takes ritalin because he often can't concentrate. so i've come to the conclusion that apparently his struggles are real and he's getting helped while my struggles are not real and i should deal with my shit alone because i've got good grades.

fml i guess

also i'm terrified of relapsing and this year going as sour as last year so there's that

and i got my mom to admit that going to a family counselor would definitely not be a bad idea altho she hasn't done anything about it

hope your day is going great :D

also ps: did you get my last ask or was that really just tumblr eating it?

Hi again!

You're welcome for the reassuring words! I hope you got to enjoy the sun this summer in the end. I've been in a less-than-great mental space all summer, but at least I got to go to the beach often, haha. Also, I'm glad you have a phone again :D

You're right that what your dad says doesn't make any sense—he can't simultaneously tell you you have to grow out of your current struggles because they're all due to teenage hormones and that you should be able to change at will from one second to the next. Yeah, hormones do have a big impact on our emotions, but that doesn't mean your parents shouldn't be helping you navigate your current struggles. The way you feel right now is important to you right now, and that should be reason enough for them to take you seriously. They should be using this opportunity to teach you how to best take care of yourself and to help you solve problems that could still affect you in the future otherwise. Instead, they're choosing to neglect your needs and blame you for struggling with things they can't bother to help you manage.

I think you have every right to be angry that they noticed the changes in your brother's mood and that he's getting proper help while you're being ignored and gaslit about your issues. What they're doing to you is unfair and neglectful and abusive, and you deserve so, so much better than this.

Sorry to hear school has been so overwhelming and you've been having nightmares :( getting a good night's sleep can make all the difference in how you handle everything that goes in in your life, and it really sucks when nightmares interfere with your sleep like that. I hope they get better when you settle into the school routine!

I also really hope your mom goes through with the family counselor idea, and that things go well if she does. And if you talk to your dad about how his nicknames make you feel, I hope that goes well too!

Please know it's not your fault if you do end up relapsing this year. Let's hope it doesn't come to that, but if it does, please be gentle with yourself. You're going through a lot right now. It's okay to not be able to handle it all without help, and while your parents ignore, blame and gaslight you. You're doing the best you can given the circumstances, and you deserve to give yourself all the credit for that.

Sending all my support your way ❤️

[peacockwinchester]

Was watching spooky tiktoks, so time to talk about paranormal things I've experienced.

First, I've never seen a ghost. I hear them occasionally, especially at night when I have my white noise machine on. It sounds different than my thoughts. It sounds like someone speaking in the room and not my thoughts, because the voices have pitch and tone, whereas my thoughts are just flat.

Now, physical happenings. When I was little, I was at a friend's house playing in her room. The door slammed shut, all the windows were closed. And no one was around. The house was old and near to an old school house in the country. As previously mentioned, I hear things occasionally. I think I'd hear them more often if I let myself, but I don't like to listen bc of my anxiety (once heard a guy say something abt a microwave, which my house doesn't have). I have technically seen a ghost cat for a split second without my glasses on. I accounted for my two indoor cats. One was the wrong color and the other was actively eating in another room. My cats act weary around the electrical room in our basement. Could be nothing, but one cat always flances up that way when eating, and likes for me to stand nearby and watch her. Another thing, I have heard voices outside of my house. I was at work once, around 7:30 at night in the winter. I was taking boxes out to the dumpster and I heard a feminine voice say something that sounded like 'Help'. I sometimes mishear things on account of my auditory processing disorder. I came back out with another harmful of boxes and heard the same voice say the same thing. I refused to go back out there alone. I'm not stupid.

Other stuff I'm not sure how to categorize. I have seen dead relatives many times in my dreams, despite it being years since they passed and me not having been close to them. My mom's grandpa died freshman year, and I got one of his favorite blankets. I sleep under it every night and I saw him sometimes in my dreams. He always wanted me to reassure my mom. I haven't seen him recently. I saw a shadow person in a dream, looming in our basement pantry. Could be nothing, as I'd been having vivid horror movie like dreams for a week or so during that period. But still. It didn't do anything. Just stood in the door. Also, sometimes I hear people get home early. Like I have headphones on and I hear my mom get home and here her call out to my sister and I like she does when she gets home. I go out to see what's up and no one's there. My sister heard nothing. It sounds like the voices I hear too, with pitch and tone. I feel like I sometimes can sense energy changes too, but it isn't very reliable, as I do have anxiety issues.

PS my sister sees ghosts and shadow people. There are wuite a few she's seen. Also, random thought, why do you guys think autism developed. It's genetic, so it must have had an advantage. Maybe something that is bad to look directly at? Just a thought, as someone who can't bear to even look at drawings of dangerous cryptids. Especially the eyes.