#so i chose therapy MSW program

[minici]

Life with chronic illness isn't about whether or not you can be cured, it's about finding a path that suits you now. So still going after what you want, but maybe what you want now takes a different form, and you have to be realistic about how to get there.

[cnroth]

On “Jessica Jones,” mental healthcare in the US, and representing mental health issues in media

First, a note: Although this post was inspired by listening to the recent Jedi Counsel podcast discussing season two of “Jessica Jones” from a psychological perspective, this is really just a personal reflection on the responses I have seen from various mental health professionals who have written articles/blogs, recorded podcasts or YouTube videos, or otherwise made publicly-accessible responses to recent popular media depictions of mental health issues. This post will specifically mention two Netflix series, “Jessica Jones” and “13 Reasons Why,” but my reflections have also developed out of some more general impressions of how professionals sometimes respond to fictional depictions of mental health issues.

For the record, I love the Jedi Counsel podcast. I come at this post from different perspective, but I do find them to do an overall good job of giving thoughtful opinions that add a lot to discourse on mental health in the media. And I think they did a really good job educating/discussing the concepts and techniques seen in season two of “Jessica Jones” from a psychological perspective. If that is a topic of interest to you, I highly recommend listening to their podcast. Visit the Jedi Counsel website here.

Warning: This post contains minor spoilers for “Jessica Jones” season two and “13 Reasons Why” season one. It also discusses portrayals within these series of issues such as PTSD, depression, substance abuse, and violence against women.

Okay, onto the actual post (below the cut).

I’m an MSW student, and I recently wrapped up my foundation field assignment in which I did a fair amount of work within dual diagnosis peer support groups and programs. Because of that experience, I assumed right away that Jessica’s anger management group was a peer-led group, and I knew that it would look different from how a licensed therapy group would work (which was acknowledged in the podcast). I have struggled, personally and professionally, with the pros and cons and ethical implications of peer support programs vs science-based therapy, and I, too, was frustrated by this anger management group in the show. However, my frustration isn’t with the show, but with the way mental health is understood and addressed by the justice system in the US.

I know that positive depictions of mental health treatment are very lacking in media, and that does frustrate me. Even so, I cannot deny that what “Jessica Jones” has represented is being done in the real world. Peer-support groups are commonly utilized by judges because they’re free and readily available in most areas. Now, don’t misunderstand me here, because I have seen peer support be an incredibly powerful force for good in the lives of people when applied thoughtfully and in conjunction with other forms of treatment. But, on its own, I’m not convinced that it is enough.

Unfortunately for many Americans (especially those who are socially and/or economically disadvantaged), peer support is all they get.

I found it incredibly interesting that the show chose to make the facilitator a man who had formerly been abusive towards his wife. Now, I’m glad they didn’t portray the facilitator as someone who seemed predatory or still acting out violently, because they could have easily villainized and dehumanized him due to his history. And again, not all peer support groups are like this. But, I have heard and read many stories of peer support groups failing to protect and support vulnerable people who attend— particularly women. In fact, there are organizations that have created women-only peer support groups for this very reason, because a lot of women have reported being harassed and assaulted by men they met in peer support groups.

So the story is that Jessica, a woman with a history of abuse from a male partner, is court-ordered to attend a peer support anger management group that is facilitated by a man who has a history of perpetrating domestic violence. For me, I interpreted it as a criticism of what sometimes passes for mental healthcare in America, and why it can be ineffective or potentially threatening to women. Expecting a woman who has been abused to find healing and “sameness” with an abuser is absolutely ridiculous, regardless of whether or not that man is still a danger or not. But it happens in the real world.

This touches on something that I think the podcast has missed before, specifically in their episodes on “13 Reasons Why”— that good mental healthcare in America is not readily accessible to people, and that what is accessible can be harmful to women who have been traumatized. Now, admittedly, it is my bent as a student of social work to focus on the impact of someone’s social environment rather than their internal cognitive processes as psychologists do. To me, this is a social justice issue, and that may place it outside the scope of what the Jedi Counsel hosts examine (and others in the field of psychology who have written or spoken about media depictions of psychological issues). That’s why I raise this discussion.

Much like how I saw “13 Reasons Why” as being less about depression and suicide than it was about the abuse and disempowerment that many American teenagers with mental illness and/or adverse experiences have faced, I saw “Jessica Jones” season two as less about PTSD and substance abuse than it was about the array of shit women have had to deal with in our lives and the anger we can (understandably) sometimes feel about it.

I guess my point, if I have one, is that there’s a broader scope to mental health than just “this is accurate/inaccurate for this condition in the DSM” or “this is/isn’t how a professional should respond.” Yes, that is all very important, and it does frustrate me that media portrays the dark side of psychology and mental health without the balance of showing psychotherapy in accurate and positive contexts. Yes, I do think these negative (and often stereotyped) portrayals of mental health issues are harmful in that they can leave people with the impression that there aren’t accessible options for them when they need help.

But, I also think it can be harmful to not acknowledge that a lot of us with mental health conditions have had negative experiences when seeking help (or being involuntarily forced into it). We have been met with unhelpful, unsafe, or downright damaging responses from professionals and systems that we thought would support us. Maybe, rather than assuming that storytellers are trying to be sensational, we should consider the possibility that they’re reflecting back to us some larger social failures in regards to the diverse experiences of those who suffer from mental illness. Yeah, sometimes media creators do sensationalize, but other times they use narratives to call out some very real barriers to service that many of us face due to criminal conviction, lack of resources, gender-based violence, or other social inequalities.

I get a bit frustrated at mental health professionals who call out these negative portrayals, yet fail to acknowledge that these things do happen. School counselors do fail to properly intervene when adolescents reach out for help. Quack practitioners do take advantage of vulnerable people with psychiatric and physical diagnoses, either to victimize them (as with Jeri Hogarth) or because they cling to harmful “alternative” therapy practices (as with the hypnotherapist Trish convinces Jessica to see for memory recovery). I’ve heard and read from licensed practitioners who rage about these portrayals and insist that this shit doesn’t happen, but it does. And yeah, maybe academics can recognize that this is bullshit, but most of us live in an entirely different world than academics do.

Yes, let’s push for more accurate representation of mental illness. Yes, let’s see empirically-based psychological and psychiatric treatments working for fictional characters, to normalize mental healthcare and show that there are options for treatment that work. I’ll be the first to say that therapy medication have given me the ability to live with my mental disorders.

But simply replacing all negative media portrayals with positive ones won’t magically fix mental health stigma, because it doesn’t change the fact that so many of us lack access to proper treatment in the first place, and are not equipped to discern what is helpful versus what is harmful. If anything, it would perpetuate a different false narrative— that anyone with a mental health problem can easily get help, and that help will definitely be safe and trustworthy, when the reality is that not every so-called counselor or group is helpful.

So when we have these experiences, get thrown off by these barriers, and loose hope in the system, we sometimes take solace in stories that reflect our experiences in mental healthcare, and we hope to start conversations about how it can and should be better.

[thistherapylife]

I have wanted to be a therapist for over 10 years. Years ago I was diagnosed with bpd (I’ve done 5 years of DBT). Bpd + depression/anxiety make motivation a fairly fleeting thing for me. I finished undergrad, but now I’m so unmotivated about grad school and getting my MSW that I’m not even sure it’s what I WANT to do anymore. How do I know if it’s something I should actually invest time and money in or if it’s just something I’ve said I wanted for so long that I’m just trying to follow through?

It’s an expensive commitment across the board: it’s very financially expensive, even if you are working, with expensive in terms of time and energy, it’s expensive emotionally - especially while in actual graduate school. I didn’t choose therapy to fix people or because I was a good listener. I chose it because I had a positive therapy experience(s) and shitty ones, found the profession to be valuable, enjoyment in puzzle solving and listening to others one on one, something with a sustainable income and that I could do even if my physical health continued to decline. I had a breakdown three months in (unrelated to graduate school or my program but the convergence of life events) and getting through and passing my classes while taking care of the life stuff AND not die was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I had to do a final paper and start an internship while also being so depressed I watched 12 hours of a&e’s Storage Wars because I dropped the remote and I couldn’t move. I clawed my way through that session and it was exhausting. I had to find the motivation to keep going and it was hard (my “you have to be good at school” thing helped a lot though).Your first job/s are often “paid in experience and supervision” (WHICH IS FUCKING BULLSHIT) or low paying. The job itself is emotionally taxing and you have to be able to take care of yourself enough to a) do your job and not bring your own stuff into a client’s session or b) know when you can’t do your job. (I’m someone who wants to work pretty much no matter what because I know my role and I know how to show up and get to put all my nonsense in a little box but you have to watch it). Figuring out the good boundaries in therapy takes time and energy. Practically on the counter transference front - clients are going like you, love you, hate you, project stuff on you, get angry, show up a lot, disappear, etc. Which can really be hard for some folks. My cohort lost some people who figured out that it wasn’t for them.And I love where I am now. I love my job more days than not. Today was fucking brutal and I still love what I do. I’ve written at length about what I love about it. If you really feel like it’s a good fit, you can always apply and see what happens. Basing any, “Should I go to graduate school?” decision (in any discipline) on an idea of something you told yourself would work or that you think you might want usually doesn’t lead to a good experience. Unless you have a lot of money and can afford to explore stuff for your own education with no issues around affordability. I took some time to work between undergrad and grad to figure shit out. I mean I applied to a number of library science programs before going back to the idea of being a therapist. You gotta do what’s best for you and your life you know? I can’t say apply or don’t because I’m not you. Best of luck around this choice {answered on mobile so excuse any missing words or any lack of an answer if there were more parts to this}

[optimisticcapricorn]

Congratulations! That’s such an amazing achievement 💜💜 I’m interested in doing a master of social work and am wondering what your experience was like and what you learnt in that time? Thank you 💜💜

Thank you so much!😊💜 I hope you and your loved ones are doing well!✨

YES!! I get so excited when people are interested in social work and am more than happy to answer this! I’m super excited that you’re considering social work and also congrats if you are graduating this year!😄💜 It will be a very long post!😁

TW: Brief mentions of childhood sexual abuse in the form of a course and traumas

🦋 Picking a School/Field of Study

Honestly, I feel as though every social work has tons to offer! I mainly chose Columbia because I really wanted a different atmosphere and was drawn to the diversity and PROP courses offered that focused on the intersections of Power, Race, Oppression, and Privilege!✨ I would totally check on tuition, the general area, and access to resources such as groceries and things like this since Master’s programs often means more independent living!✨

There are sooo many different paths you can take and I encourage you to really look into different fields and choose what resonates most with you but know that there is always time to learn and explore!✨ I’ll link some resources below for schools and programs!🦋

If you identify as a Person of Color, live with a disability, identify as a first- generation college grad, international student, etc. I would check in on scholarships, student unions, etc. and communities of support as well! Community makes a world of difference, especially when it comes to addressing inter generational traumas, injustices, and collective pain! There’s no way I would’ve learned as much and felt as capable and supported without solid friends, colleagues, and mentors!💛 It is was also so important for me to become more aware of my own privileges- especially in terms of pursuing my Master’s at Columbia University, especially when it came to the communities I was working with!✨

🦋 Courses and Coursework

I honestly have to say that since racism is so heavily institutionalized everywhere- there were definitely moments in the classroom that felt uncomfortable and even unsafe-in some courses centered on addressing anti-Blackness I would be the only Black student and this pressure to represent all Black people rang true for so many other students of color!😭 Also, imposter syndrome is so rampant but just know that wherever you go, in whatever fields/communities- your presence is valid!!!👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿💛

Talking about things such as intergenerational trauma and the effects, and contemporary issues such as police brutality or misogynoir hit home for me! Depending on your background and experiences, things are bound to come up- a few examples of emotionally difficult courses I took were Grief Loss, and Bereavement and Childhood Sexual Abuse... It’s important to address what comes up and decompress even if it’s just talking to the professor or a few classmates/friends!

A quick plug for Columbia😁: The professors are phenomenal!!!✨ There’s literally not a class I dreaded going to or a professor I didn’t honestly learn from and find inspiration in!💛

No matter your background, it is so important to be able to name your feelings and validate them when they come up- with social work there’s really no way to escape triggers, personal issues, etc. It’s okay to rage, experience sadness, to be frustrated, etc. These are not negative emotions but rather normal and you can always transmute them into fuel for passion! Although it’s painful it’s also a beautiful part of doing the work from the inside out- I have been working on things I didn’t think I was strong enough to even acknowledge much less face with self-compassion and care! You will definitely learn new things about yourself!✨

One term I learned in many courses is that of the “wounded healer” we all carry things with us and it’s important to remember this and take care of yourself- whether that means writing, dancing, belting a song out, crying, or talking to someone, etc. Day to day life can get busy and overwhelming so practice getting into the habit of taking care of yourself is essential! Emotional burn out is so difficult but you can get through it if it comes up- even if you may need to take some time off through deferment, put yourself first!👏🏿💛 In my personal experiences, the workload was manageable but this will vary especially if you are working while going to school- communicate when you need to with professors about needing more time! Eat and sleep as well as possible, you deserve to and it’s impossible to give to the fullest degree when you are running on empty! 💛

🦋 Field Education (Internships)

In addition to courses, you’ll also have an internship for each year in most programs!✨ At Columbia, they asked us to fill out a few forms indicating where we would like to be in our 1st year and in the 2nd year- we had to apply and go on interviews! I feel this is similar for most social work schools- be as honest as possible about your desires and goals when filling out the forms and keep your foot on the neck of the field education office until you get where you’d like to be! Also with financial aid!!!👏🏿👏🏿👏🏿

At the same time, don’t be too discouraged if you don’t get your first choice- try to go into your internships with a willingness to learn and with the mindset of learning from the community first and foremost! Another crucial thing I learned is how widespread the White savior complex is... it’s not your job to ever fix anything or anyone- you are there to provide access to resources and be a disruptive of systematic oppression!✊🏿

Inner work with happen here for sure!Depending on the population you work with you may come across people and circumstances that may trigger you- again, take breaks as you can and get your emotions and feelings out regularly! If you identify as an empathy or highly sensitive- this is especially important- transference and countertransference hit me hard this year working with Black/Brown girls in middle school- especially with instances of bullying (middle schoolers are amazing but also ruthless!😭) and family dynamics/issues/therapy, whew! When I worked with girls who were parentified and providing emotional support to their siblings... I felt like I was talking to my younger self- it’s raw and surreal and decompression will be so essential to your own growth as well as with how you interact with participants!💛 Empathy and compassion are such important values when it comes to counseling! If there’s nothing else I’ve learned, it’s the importance that a relationship holds- if people feel safe and vulnerable with you, that is healing in itself!🦋

I made use of journaling heavily over the past two years!✨ It will be so important to keep communication open and honest with your supervisor!!! You will most likely be super busy and wear many different hats and it’s important to recognize your limits with self-compassion!✨ Also, it’s important to speak up if you feel you are not getting what you need with supervision- most learning happens in the field and you’re definitely paying for the experience!👏🏿 ✨ Advocacy, setting boundaries, self-advocacy are beautiful things you will learn for sure with social work through internships!💛

🦋 Overall Reflections

The last two years have been beautiful, painful, eye opening, tiring, demanding, healing, and soooo essential to my life’s goals and journeys! Overall, I wouldn’t change anything with my experiences because I was challenged in every possible way to believe in myself- my gifts and abilities, unlearn to learn again, and to have hope for the future!💛 I’ve learned things and made connections that I’ll never forget and am immensely grateful for! I feel more in synch with myself- definitely more than I ever have with my guides and life purpose! This has also positively affected my relationship with spirituality and trusting in myself and my intuition!✨ If you are considering entering a program during COVID, many things will be different but above all else- community will help carry you through and self-care is non-negotiable!👏🏿💛💛💛 Social work has been so healing for me in different ways and I hope this helps you! Please don’t hesitate to ask more questions as they arise, I’m extremely passionate about social work and happy to answer! Take good care of yourself!!💛🦋

[blog-researchblog]

Finding My Career in Social Work

By: Sophia Gerstle 

Summary of the 7 Powerful Questions 

For my future, I would like to help someone or something. I’ve been changing my major quite a few times and have not been able to decide exactly what I would like to do with my life just yet. As of now, I have declared social work because it aligns with my passion of making a difference. Hopefully, as time goes by I find exactly what career I want without feeling like it is a job. I love children and like the idea of working in a medical setting but I also care deeply about this planet and have thought about finding a career that will better our earth. I take self care and happiness very seriously so regardless of what I do it will not get in the way of those two things. I believe I am a hardworking person and once I have my mind set on a goal I will do everything in my power to complete it to the best of my ability. Once I find a job that I love, my drive to do better will follow. When looking at my personal life, I believe I have accomplished many things such as completing a 5K race, going to school, finding a job here, and the personal growth I have made throughout my college career. My goals are pretty standard to the typical college student. I am working hard to graduate, find a job I enjoy and do everything I can to be happy in my life. I am continuing to grow everyday and am making it an important goal of mine to better myself to the fullest potential. When I was asked who I admired the most, it was difficult to not say my parents as cliche as that may sound. They have taught me so much and I would not be where I am without them. They are incredibly hardworking and a fantastic role model to have in my life. My friends are also a group of people who I look up to. They have always supported and helped me through all the struggles I’ve faced in my life. They have become a family to me and I am truly blessed to have them. The next question asked was what I did not like which is important to reflect on because that’ll help me figure out what to stay away from when deciding my career. After my life experiences, I know I do not enjoy math from how terrible I was in it at school. I also do not like working in the geriatrics field because of my current job. Once I figure out exactly what I want to do, I know all my focus will go into making that happen. It will become a huge goal of mine to receive the job and complete everything the position will entail to the best of my ability. My current focus right now is to figure out everything I can do to find the job that is best for me and will work hard to achieve those goals.

Occupational Outlook Handbook

When searching in the Occupational Outlook Handbook, I looked up social work which led me to quick facts about the salary, what they do, job outlooks, employment change and much more. In this career, social workers identify people and communities in need of help, assess clients who are looking for adjustments to the changes and challenges in their life and support them to meet their goal. This profession calls for someone to respond to crisis situations, maintain records, and give psycho-service therapy. There is a wide range of options social workers could work in such as helping a family adopt children to assisting a person struggling with a drug addiction. The different levels of social work are a BSW, LCSW, or MSW. The bachelor’s social workers degree (BSW) work with groups, community organizations, and policymakers to improve programs, services, policies, and social conditions. The licensed clinical social worker (LCSW) supply therapy for all groups of people to develop strategies in changing behavior or cope with difficult situations. The master’s social worker (MSW) are clinical social workers who have not completed the two years of supervised work. The salary will depend on what field the person chooses to be working in for example someone in a hospital setting will make about $60,000 compared to another individual working family service level earning about $40,000. The overall median for this job is around $49,000. 

The growth of employment in this field is expected to grow up to 11% by the year 2028 because of the high demand of social services and healthcare. The employment of social workers for child, family, and school is predicted to grow up to 7% from the amount of people in need of strengthening their parent skills, preventing child abuse, and finding homes for children who are unable to stay with their biological families. Even though the growth is expected, there will be limits from the state, local, and federal level. Healthcare social workers will grow to about 17% from the need of the elderly population and families adjusting to new treatments, medications, and lifestyles. Also, the mental health and substance abuse field is thought to be rising up 18% which is much faster than the average for all occupations. This discipline is not only increasing because of the need of assistance for mental health and substance but the amount of drug offenders being sent to treatment is heightening which are aided by these social workers instead of being sent to jail. This career has many benefits for helping for all different types of reasons and the growing population and with the different levels of education to find a job in this career will help people all over the world.

Gaining Knowledge from a Former Social Worker

The person I decided to interview requested to remain anonymous. Her career has changed many times before she realized that social work was what she was most passionate about. When asking why she chose this career she began to express how important it is to help people. This was something she wanted to do her whole life and a calling she believed she had. The lady I interviewed is a very caring person who puts all her efforts in wanting to help people. Anytime she sees a person struggling from traumatic events in their life she would begin to think about what could have been different if she was there to do something. Those were the few signs that she was headed in the right profession. She began her schooling with a major in Psychology and after finishing as an undergraduate, she returned to receive her master’s degree in social work. She discussed how rewarding it was to her clients succeed in life after helping them. Before her current job, she first started out as a medical social worker and then switched her title to a “Social Work Executor.” This was her job for about 15 years in India. During her career at that time, she enjoyed interacting with clients at various levels, aiding them to resolve their issue, and seeing the change happen before herself. While asking her questions, she was very enthusiastic about her love for making a difference. My interviewee was also very reserved when asking about some of the issues she dealt with. Her responses were a little repetitive because she did not want to disclose much of her experiences with those clients. Her day to day schedule as a Social Work Executor was typically habitual with the day starting at 8am and ending by 4pm. She had set schedules in teaching undergraduate nurses then went to see her clients in the psych opioids department.  She explained that much of her work was dealing with patients fighting their drug addictions and was in the medical field of social work.

I began asking her questions regarding social issues in the world and how they affect her job. Her response was that as a social worker it becomes their responsibility to help make a difference and to know there is not only one issue in the world that affects her career. As a social worker, one of the many focuses is on social justice and to do all they can to aid the person for them to succeed in life. My interviewee reiterated a few times that it is not their job to be the protector but to be their guide and mentor to get back on track in life. From all the struggles we have in our world today, this more shows that we need an increase of social workers to make the change. She continued to explain how there are not enough individuals who want to pursue this as a career and how she would like to see the amount of people in this field grow larger. She tells me how wonderful the feeling is to see her make a positive change in another person’s life and believes that if other people knew how rewarding it is to help make a difference then we could possibly see the amount of people willing to be in this career grow.  She continued to explain many times how passionate she is about her job and did not let others' opinions affect her goals. In the past, people have made negative comments about how little it pays while she was still in school but she knew what her passions were. She told me that a paycheck is not the only focus in her life and if this was the career that was going to make her happy then nothing else should matter. To this day, she knows that her decision to pursue a career in social work was the best choice she has ever made and the rewarding feeling of her clients come out successfully in life is all the proof she needs to know that it was worth it.

A Popular Issue Affecting My Career

I found a news article called “Drug Overdose Epidemic Has Been Growing Exponentially for Decades”, which discusses the issue of drug overdose outbreak largely growing over the past few decades. The growth began about 15 years ago before the mid 1990s from the prescription of opioids and researchers suggest that the same tragedy will continue for years to come. The type of drugs used from those who have passed vary over the years. The current epidemic involves the prescription of heroin, opioids, and fentanyl. According to Dr. Donald S. Burke, he says  that understanding the forces of all the drug outbreaks could be important in understanding the different prevention and intervention strategies. Burke and his team collected all the data which shows that in the past four decades, the U.S. National Vital Statistics System states that the curve is continuing to go upward each year. Then the team looked at the rate for individual drugs overdoses such as cocaine, heroine, and prescription opioids which began in 1999. Some facts they have concluded was that there is no consistent or predictable pattern to follow for the rates of any of these drugs. For example, cocaine overdose rates have been curving up and down for the past 20 years but methadone deaths has been on a downturn since the mid 2000s. Heroin and prescription opioids have been on the rise and methamphetamine appears to be rising dramatically on its own.

Researchers take into account the different demographic factors such as age, gender, race, and location but again they have found a huge fluctuation depending on the type of drug. For example, heroin and cocaine populated urban areas while prescription opioids and methamphetamine were found in rural land. It is also proven that cocaine has a higher death rate in black men than other populations. When looking at heroin, the higher death rates included  younger whites and older blacks. But, the combined overall demographics present that for all drug types the growing death rates is spreading across for all people ages 20-65 as the years go by.  When drug poisonings are plotted on a map by the type of drug, certain drugs are dominated in different areas but as a whole each area is a popular spot for the overdose deaths of one or more drugs. 

None of the data shows an obvious method as to how one or multiple drug-specific outbreaks have impacted into a single curve. However, it is believed that expanding drug markets and lowering prices could be making it easier for people to obtain while the pressures of psychological and sociological factors such as a loss of purpose and feeling of loneliness and despair in their communities result in the desire. Dr. Burke believes it is possible to find a solution to this crisis. As long as they are able to understand and address the roots caused by the outbreaks then researchers should be able to stop epidemic from continuing. 

It is important to understand huge issues affecting our countries such as the drug outbreak in our country. As a future social worker, many of the clients I will be interacting with might have a form of drug addiction. I found this topic very interesting because I am still looking at my options for which field of social work I would like to work in as my future career. Many social workers who I have met briefly discuss the type of clients they are working with and many of them do struggle with addiction. Once I passed this article, I thought it would be good to understand the tragic outbreak that continues to plague our country. 

From this article, I have learned how terrible the drug epidemic truly is in our country. I have alway known we had an issue but did not understand the severity of it or that the issue has only been increasing. This report showed the types of drugs destroying our country and where it is affecting us. From false stereotypes, people might assume that drugs only hurt certain parts of America but what I learned is that all types of people from all over are struggling with their addiction regardless of their background and location. This article was important to read for my career choice because as a social worker I believe I have to be prepared to help all types of people and addiction is a common issue amongst people in our world today.

[2centsofsilver]

12/5/17 Tues

Today at 9:30am I took the bus to campus and met a friend/collegue A from G at Espresso Royale on State St. We talked about the piercing world and opportunities in apprenticeship/what it’s like being a piercer. I most definitely overstepped boundaries while being entirely aware of it by asking her questions about my employment that she isn’t allowed to tell me/doesn’t know the answers to. I’ve just been really fucking stressed lately to the point where even though I know how unprofessional/inappropriate things are, I don’t give a fuck and do them anyway. But I always make a point to say something like, “I’m sorry, I hope I’m not overstepping and if I am, I’m so sorry and understand we can’t discuss it, but I’m just wondering if blah blah blah” and then they respect the fact that I was already aware it wasn’t right and neither of us feel shame about it. After that Amanda walked me through the Diag, willing to walk me into the SSW to help me get to the ECC for an Art in Social Work Symposium. Rachel showed up which I wasn’t expecting. She came a little late, sat down, saw me, mouthed “hi’ and smiled. Then for the first half of the presentation, I was trying to take notes and concentrate while saying to myself repeatedly, “Don’t let Rachel make you feel nervous. She’s accepting and you’re here for you.” That was why I chose to sit at a front table by myself. I wasn’t sure how big the crowd would be (it was relatively big, but lots of people filtered out early due to classes). I stayed the whole time and found the discussion boring. I found the content extremely general and vague and really geared toward macro work - community outreach and organization. I didn’t know the event was going to be a panel for questions. I knew I had questions I wanted to ask, but was scared in front of all the students. I’m not a student so I felt even more uncomfortable like I wasn’t sure if I was even allowed to be there attending this. Since the entire 2 hour symposium was centered around incorporating the arts into social work, I refused to not speak. I raised my hand and mentioned being a deferred student on medical leave while also using the next year to weigh whether or not I want to do SW versus Art Therapy. I told them I got into a variety of AT schools and MSW schools for this fall last year and that I’ve been offered another opportunity in Portland for an AT Masters. Immediately Paula started shaking her head, gestured, and said the word, “Limited.” After providing this context, my first question was their thoughts on SW versus AT as a career path. Their answers were general and things I already knew that didn’t help me at all. They were opposed to AT as a career pathway. I talked about my passions and why I chose SW, feeling it encompasses everything and provides the opportunity that I can really do all the things I want- be a professor, be a therapist, work with any population (i.e. kids), publish books. The panel included 4 individuals: Another woman named Amanda who put this whole thing together (idk who she is), a first-year student with music background who self-designed her internship, her field supervisor at her field location named Paula, and Larry Gant- a professor in both the School of Art & Design, as well as SSW - a professor I had researched and referenced in my admissions essay, discussing my interest in taking courses from him given my career goals. People are right - he is dry and boring communicatively, but I have the utmost respect for him and plan to reach out to him in detail as soon as I can. I plan to reach out to the intern too (Sunny) and Paula.  The most concrete take-away I got from the symposium is the knowledge that I can create my own internship by writing proposals, researching field placements, and then talking with my field supervisor about designing my own program. This is what I want to do. I also received the empowering message: “Build your own career. You can do anything you want.” Paula spoke in opposition towards AT when explaining what therapy sessions as an AT would be vs. as a therapist with an MSW. She said things like, “Instead of working in a room with child and parents, you’re sitting with a child using puppets to talk about what happened. Instead of talking to client about issues they’re dealing with, you’re sitting on the floor painting those issues they’re dealing with.” I want to talk with her more about this because as a counselor/art therapist, I’ve always been under the impression you DO have counseling skills with the extra advantage of INCORPORATING the arts. At the same time, I felt a bit discouraged because I actually really like the prospect of that career and the examples she was providing, even though her point was that they’re limited. After the Symposium, I was looking down at the Atrium from above. It was so crowded down there, I’m SURE absolutely maxed out with all the people I know in the SSW. I was scared of seeing Max and Savannah. The first person I saw when I looked down was Erin. Then I looked up and saw Autumn right next to me. I started talking to her, but again (JUST LIKE YESTERDAY AT THE BUS STOP) couldn’t even hear her. I was so anxious and so stressed and so scared and nervous that I just wasn’t even listening, while trying to also listen and be a good fucking friend, jesus christ, I’m terrible. I texted Erin telling her to look up (even though I was in the bathroom- which was stupid. Why would I not wait till after I came back out to the window?) She said she didn’t see me (obviously). Then when I got back out there I texted her again saying “Look up.” I saw her look up and shrug her shoulders like “wtf” and then turn around and see me at the window. She smiled and waved and texted me. I stood there texting her back for a couple seconds. Then I told her to wave again and went on my way. Sunny came out of the ECC and I took that as an opportunity to ask for her contact info even though at the time I didn’t really care for it (now I’m glad I did it because I think she actually can offer some good information to me regarding this self-designed field program), but it was more out of anxiety, I stopped her, asked her for her contact info, so that if people I know did see me, they’d see I was busy/occupied/and aka confident.  She gave me her email and I started trying to text it to myself and accidentally started texting it to Savannah. I flipped the hell out saying “Oops, sorry, wait, I tried to text it to myself and ended up almost sending it to someone I absolutely cannot send things to” and she laughed. For the first time I almost felt above all this shit. Then I utilized this as an opportunity to walk out of the SSW with someone. We were talking and she asked if I live in A2 and I said Ypsi and as we walked through that doorway past OSS and into the upper commons, she told me she likes Ypsi better because it has better coffee shops. I sorta did a combo of a scoff and a laugh. I have no idea why I thought it was so funny? ANXIETY. I was passing a crowd of people and I wanted them to see that I was talking to someone, involved, confident, comfortable, and thriving. Not: Slouched over, nervous, weird, awkward, a failure, misplaced, or visibly uncomfortable). After that I thanked her for putting on the event and said it was nice to meet her, and then I veered right and sat down on the cement bench where Rachel and I had sat yesterday, but closer to the entrance so that people I knew COULD see me if they were walking in and out of the building. But I looked down at my phone and started playing on it in fear they would see me. This is my life. This is social anxiety disorder. At that point I got an incoming email from Joy reaching out to see how I am doing and inviting me to Hungerwise regardless of whether or not I’m all caught up. I flipped my phone horizontally and began writing a response, thanking her for her concern, saying I’m sorry I missed 3 weeks in a row, I’ve been immensely depressed and struggling, but would like to come tomorrow etc etc, but question whether I should just take the next class instead, but asked if I had to re-pay for it, blah blah blah. At that point, I look up, and there’s Savannah. Walking out of the building towards Espresso Royale with a short and petite dark haired person- it may have been Monte. It was then when I realized (and subsequently got EXTREMELY depressed) that Savannah was moving on. Making other friends and highly immersed in a program that I’m no longer a part of, as much as I still try to be. Like this was her life- coffee between classes like her and I used to do, but with new friends. Every right (obvs.) to make new friends, I want her to thrive and be happy. Just something about seeing that was so hard for me. And then I remembered that I’m an overwhelming friend. That’s what I’ve been told. Max specifically said, “Many people have shared with them that I am overwhelming to be friends with.” My depression from all of this is that kind that makes you feel frozen. Aside from the fact that it’s also winter- it just makes you feel like dead ice. After that Espresso thing, I hopped up, and walked quickly to the bus. At the bus stop I looked back down the street and saw her and the Monte girl rushing back into the SSW. It was the green coat. They were far away. I was sad. I wondered if she could see me. I wondered if she saw me sitting there at the SSW. I wonder if she can see how I carry myself, how sad I am, and whether or not this also makes her feel sad. Or if she’s moving on into the wind leaving me behind. After that I drove to therapy and tried to explain to Amy all of what happened on campus yesterday and today- all the stuff about Savannah and running into her 3 times and the anxiety and how sore my body is. How I cry everywhere I go, how I feel frozen and depressed. How I feel like nothing and have lost my authentic self, worried all I am is a byproduct of my new diagnoses. That my whole life, everything I’ve ever said or done, has been a product of my PTSD and codependency. Talked about Rachel. Talked about the CoDA thing. I want to talk to her about the idea Rachel gave me of passing on control to a higher power. A higher power being a god/deity, religion, nature, art, the group itself, or the spiritual universe.  I also have the topic of rituals on my mind from the Fakir Intensives conversation I had with Amanda this morning. A psychologist once tried to diagnose me as a fucking sadist. Did you know in the piercing world, rituals for the very reason I’m into piercing, exist as healing experiences to let go of things no longer wanted by being sensually put through pain/physical support, not as kink and not as weirdo-ville, but as an individual request for personal freedom. Peace out, 3:50am.