#so enjoy!!! or dont; either way i’m putting it here cus this is my house babeyyy
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raddest-laddest · 7 months ago
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so i’m either gonna go die in a car crash or get skin cancer, but either way, i can’t go without sharing the sona playlist
the organization is cursed, but strangely fitting for what it’s about
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haeroniel-doliet · 7 years ago
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gah another 5 am post eh fellas
fuck i really wanna do ballet. i really rarely become obsessed (if ever) with anything, but for once i’m so so so so soso wanting to do ballet. so bad. i know i might hate it bc im fucing not musical at all, so not in shape, so not comfortable or etc. but at least im 18,(wait fuck 19 now)  and not 45 trying to get in it all stiff and stuck and i think based on all the sweet positivity to adult ballet starters beginners and sure i wont perform professionally but fuck man i dont think i need that. i just want that grace and flexibility and elegance and gah itd be fabulous. i mean even now im pretending to look for turn out and walk around the house like they do in point shoes and i try fix my posture tothe advice by a ballet dancer youtuber who ive been watching so much of. i just i really wanna do it. 
saddest fucking thing is guys, that i could’ve had the chance to go to the fucking royal ballets adult absolute beginner classes. in london. i could have. fuck. u wanna know what happened? i found out about it like a month or two ago and was fucking psyched bc its one of those things that just is too good to be true. the best company in uk?? w adult classes? while im in london?? yeah id have to miss a few weeks bc. whoops i gotta go back up to do my exams,but i couldve at least done a few weeks, come back and done a few last so i’d have had the best opportunity to give this a go in the best environment and then have a kindling to go off with to other available ballets. and not start with some barely managing person in a shitty studio thing. idk. sure so i tell my parents so fuckin excited bc look! its possible! but yeah its expensive, wouldve been abt 90 pound w me being a student and id have to miss 3/10 classes. but still! thin of it gah its making me so sad happy. sad bc guess its now sold out. of fuckin course it is. i told my mom and she just was uhmm ohh i dunno i dunno, oh its adults i could do it, and thinking that maybe getting her involved would mean i have a better chance of going, dont care much for her company but if shed take it as a bonding thing hell, i’ll probably do better than her in class and minor confidence boost as well as if they all others are old old i wont be alone. and she could pass over what they learned when im up in scotland. Guess that was a fuckin mistake. she got all nervous and self concious and put it off with a we’ll see we’ll see about it im thinking. and making it a whole thing like instead of me wanting to go so bad and offering for fun that shed join me, as if im trying to pressure her into doing it and would only go along to make her feel better. uh.... fucking wrong! im so mad actually. bc of course, no matter how often i mentioned it she wouldnt take it seriously to even consider booking me in! no no of course not we’ll see. and then i check before im coming back, dreading and being right that yep. theyre fucing sold out. of course they are its such a fanstastic opportunity! my only fucking opportunity! when ever again am i going to live in london with weeks free to go participate in that? when ever again? never. theyre moving out of london this summer and fuck. just doing some research and the scottish ballet is in fucking glasgow. yes i was supposed to get there if i hadnt been so shit with studying for my exams. (sure i wouldnt be doing archery and wouldnt have all the other wonderful things i now enjoy in aberdeen but fuck its frustrating) and ofc. aberdeen seems to have: one shady dance company that offers ballet fusion. not adult ballet classes. another shady school that practices at robert gordons that have no website nothing. no info how to sign up or if they have adult classes or when its so stupid and weird. maybe ill have to contact them directly idk. sure my uni has a what seems to be a thriving dance society that i have a glitched out membership for. (its 50 pound a year and i have cerrainly not paid that) and i guess they do ballet on the side. but again from a glance around, looks its only intermediate. not beginners. dont think theres that many uni age girls who just wanna start ballet now. 
so it looks bleary. even in finland, i cant understand body parts in finnish so that might just be frustrating if i could even find a place that offers it. not that i’ll have long at all in finland. ill be there barely a month before heading back to uni and i come back holidays. if i wanted to take one of these eleven week courses, i think id have to geta fuckin liscence and a car and drive to glasgow 3 hrs both ways for a class once a week and that sjust stupid. im so fucking mad about this missed opportunity. like my muscles are itching and aching to do it. my legs want to work out in ballet positions. they just rly do. yeah maybe ill have to start doing barre at home from videos to try ease that, but its not gonna be the same and ill do it all wrong bc i have no teacher to direct me or anything. correct either. sure if i had done it and loved it i might still be mad that i have no opportunities to continue like i want to, but at least id have that expereince and could keep practicing at home based off of it.  i am genuinely upset okay. upset betrayed disappointed sad twitchy and ugh. sure tickets go on sale today to swan lake after exams. and by fuck will i go see it. and ill get all the background before it and know it inside and out before i see it (already kinda do) and i will love it. ill bemaybe more upset and more twitchy that i cant do it, that i cant be lie them and that rly sucks. i really really wish by some miracle the school would offer summer courses so that i could just, get myself after exams into one. also another frustrating thing not quite so pressing on my mind is how my dad wants me to get summer jobs, maybe even two. one here and one in finland. sure it should theoretically be easier getting it here, esp. since im 19 now and yeah. i could work in a cafe or store just to get money and have smth to put on a cv thats not 2 weeks. but i dunno i dont particularly want to, i was hoping in london i could get the most of it culturaly (considering ive been a pouting and sad whailer whos not done anything for the last two years) then again i have p much no friends here so if i did go work somewhere theres a slight chance thered be someone i get along with and could hang out w. or visit if i needa back in london. i dunno. things are weird. sure i could try get an admin job w nhs like some lady suggested but its one of those too much responsibilty things, consdiering im shit with work i kinda would prefer to do some physical job like stacking shelves in a shop bc im good at that. but thats not gonna help me in the future. money yes, but cv building or careers wise? nah. i should owrk in hospitality or smth i dunno even i can barely get thru my work to pass rn so  i dunno about job searching. im jsut a mess am i not. regardless maybe i should look if theres other ballet schoolsin london. be desperate, get a job and a ballet class going over summer and do art on the free time i guess. 
okay so fer now ive found a course for like fucking 156 pound thats a 2 day full days course that looks mad cool for having different classes to learn vocab and etc and then a bit of fucking swanlake like yooo.. best thing its in like july but thats also possibly bad bc its july 28-29 and july 30 we move out. man it could be cool tho. then they offer there as well a taster session p much every other week and then a full 8 weeks of class p near by to me. sure this is specifically taught by a man and id prefer a woman but, i guess. since its ideal timing and place. and i got wondering why thats 150 and the national ballet wouldve been abt 90 and i guess there i get concession and it wouldve been only 6 classes considering the dates they had off. i should rly ask if they do do concession bc 150 is a bit steep still. for 8 classes thats almost 20 pound for 75 mins. its kinda insane. theres probably more companies i havent looked at but there is one other thats like a drop in thing 10 pound cash each class and thats a 90 mins so it might be better. ofc. obv. fault being that its drop in so being an absolute beginner w likely a lot older adults idk how id fit in or keep up or get hte most of it. i think ill go try it once regardless. then when back in abdn ask around for taster sessions and beginner ballet. worst comes to worst i wait another 4 years till i get to a big enough city that they have a nice ballet company and somewhere i can live like an adult but also get in on adult ballet and enjoy myself. maybe my industrial placement city will have  a ballet company idk. 
all i know is that im a bit obsessed and everyone says to go for your dreams etc. and as much as i enjoy archery (slowly gonna dedicate to it) and aikido (though training can be frustrating and training with old men isnt that fun) and ice skating is another less of a dream but in the same realm as ballet. that im gonan get new skates for and give it a better try. i just think ballet could  be so fucking rad and im sad that its not so easy rn. and that my mom fucked me over. for that one course that couldve been cheap and amazing and mindchanging. to go to the ballet knowing what some of it feels like would be great. sure id love  a chance to do some after as well u know. ofc it sucks it might cost a couple hundred over summer to these hobbies and i feel iffy spending 180 on a quality waterproof jacket. sure. they spend it but, im v concientious and dont wanna spend much of their money esp cus im not making my own. i guess logically, i should put a bunch of effort to getting thru this term rly well without lies and get a sumemr job. that way, i could theoretically take loan from my parents  and pay back with summer job money w some left over to do as i like with (yeah i should save it for sensible shit but idk) also considering how nice i am my dad might not even want me to pay back. look i dunno. thats an idea. be good, be rewarded w ballet classes and an unstrained relationship w my parents, joyously move back to finland and start next term w a clean slate, hopefully more help and new determination into hobbies. maybe i wanna do 4 sports since i never did much as i was younger. tho sure, i did aikidos cousin taekwondo. ive shot a bow and arrow whenever i had a chance. ive skated since literally like 3 yrs old. and i used to take a form of dance a alot younger. sure no musicality but i think the exercises would be great for my knees and legs and butt and torso and posture. htese are fun sports since i dont like to work out. and since im not comfortable enough in myself to go swim. 
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suggy-maynard01-blog · 8 years ago
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When I Needed You The Most, Where Were You?
~mentions of panick attacks. May be triggering. Sorry if it’s not wrote properly, I’ve gone of my own personal experiences. I’ve never had a proper panic attack but I’ve had mini ones. Enjoy~
We arrived in LA yesterday, I’m so excited. were going out clubbing tonight seen as we have just arrived last night. All the boys know about me and Jack so im glad we dont have to hide anything tonight. We’re all heading out now and I’m excited, as you can tell.
~2:30 in the morning~
We have been at the club for ages. Me, josh, Oli, Mikey and Conor are all sat at a booth. Caspar is with some girls and I don’t know where Jack is. We all decide it’s time to go home so I go and tell Caspar and he insists on coming with us back home. None of the boys went home with a girl, what’s happening there? They all said either their not feeling like it, don’t want to or not in the mood but usually at least one of us pulls.
I ring jack repeatedly asking him where he is cus we’re leaving but he doesn’t answer, not once so I decided to leave a text and just go home. Maybe he’s asleep at home already? Maybe.
When we arrived home, I immediately looked around the house in search for Jack but he was no where to be seen. I started crying, thinking of the worst. What if he’s with someone else? A boy or a girl? What if he’s been taken away? What if he’s injured? What if he’s dead? What if? What if? I slowly slid down the wall, tears coming quicker and quicker that I can’t control it.
"NO!” I manage to chock out between sobs
Joe? Joe buddy what’s up?” Oli asked, sounding very concerned
"Can’t. Breathe” I managed to say.
I was having a panic attack. No one apart from Zoe, Caspar and Jack know I get them, but it’s VERY irregular for me to get them. I only get them a couple times a year so they aren’t a big worry but Zoe and Jack are the only ones who can help me through it. When I get a panic attack, they’re very bad, which is why their so irregular.
"Do you want anything. Water?”
Jack” I sobbed. By this time all the boys were aware that I was having a panic attack.
-3rd person POV-
Josh and Mikey where staying back, giving joe space but also there if they were needed, Conor was trying to get hold of Jack, leaving him loads of missed calls and messages, Oli was trying to calm joe down and Caspar was trying to get ahold of Zoe.
"Joe, listen to me. Breathe in. And out. In. And out.” Oli told joe, trying to calm him down but it was not working. Joe felt as though the world was closing in on him, he could think straight, hear straight, he struggled breathing, he felt like he was dying.
"What the hell do you want Caspar, it’s like 5 in the morning here” Zoe asked Caspar
"It’s joe. He’s having a real bad panic attack” Caspar told joes sister, rushing because he was panicking
"Put me in loud speaker, make sure he only has 1 or two people near him and get him a cold glass of water” Zoe told Caspar and he did as he was told. Josh went to get the water, Oli moved out of his way and Caspar sat down next to joe with Zoe in speaker
"Joe” Zoe said firmly but softly “joe it’s me, your sister. Listen, whatever’s happened to cause this just listen to my voice and forget everything else okay?” Joe could only nod but Zoe carried on
"Joe, remember when your were 8 and me you and dad went shopping for the day. Do you remember when we ran off from dad in one of the first shops we went in, you jumped in the trolley and I was pushing you up and down the aisles until dad found us and dragged us out, but then we did the same in the next shop. Remember later on that day when I fell over when pushing you and you couldn’t stop laughing at me but then the trolley fell over with you still in it? Remember that day joe” Zoe told her younger brother
"Ye. And. And when dad found us both on the floor, he never let us go on our own anywhere again for years” joe said, slightly sniffling
"Thanks zo” joe said once he had calmed down
"Anything broseph. Want to talk about it?” Zoe asked
"It’s ok. I’ll tell you tomorrow when we’re both not tired. Night zozoebo. Thank you”
"It’s ok broseph. Night. Love you”
"Love you too sis" and with that they hung up
Sorry boys about that” joe told his friends
It’s ok buddy, I’m going to bed now. You going to be ok” josh asked
Ye. I’ll be fine. You all go to bed I just wanna relax for a bit” joe told them am off to bed they went.
~Conor’s POV~
After Joes bad panic attack, he told us we can all go to bed. I went to my room and called Jack one more time. This time he answered. I went outside, out of earshot to see what had gotten into Jack Phone conversation: “WHAT THE FUCK JACK WHERE ARE YOU!”
"Geez bro, I’m at this chicks house. She’s so hot and so good in bed like oh my word! I’ll be back tomorrow. Why u having ago at me?”
"Because your boyfriend over here had a very bad panick attack because he didn’t know what happened to you and no one knew what to do. All he wanted was you to help him but where were you? YOU WHERE CHEATING ON YOUR BOYFRIEND TO SOMEONE YOU PROBABLY WONT EVEN REMEMBER HER NAME TOMORROW. JACK WHAT THE FUCK HAS GOTTON INTO YOU!”
"Oh Ye. Forgot about Joe. Don’t tell him. I can’t loose the fame. TBH I don’t even like him, and she was well better than Joe” Jack slurred. What the actual fuck has gotten into my brother
"Come home right now and I promise I won’t tell Joe”
"Promise?
"Promise” promise are ment to be broken, right?
I’m coming now” Joe’s not going to be happy
See you soon bro” and with that I hung up. Jacks in deep shit as soon as he gets home.
~Joe’s POV(sorry for all of the POV changed)~ I heard someone coming downstairs so I turned around and my eyes met with Conor’s. I told him he can go to bed if he wants but he said he wants to make sure I’m ok. What a good friend, I though. After watching the news for a little bit, I heard the door go. Conor went to get it but I was not ready for what was about to happen ja=jack c=Conor j=joe
C:Jack, brother you home!
Ja:hey bro. Btw don’t tell joe where I was
J:tell me what
C:bye boys
Ja:CONOR!
J:thanks for making him come home Conor but I think this is between me and Jack
C: don’t worry I’m leaving anyway
Conor left the room and left me and Jack stood in the middle of the room
J: so are you going to tell me where you were?
Ja:omg I was with this girl and she was soo good. Better than that boy I pretend to be with for the fame. I don’t even like him
J:and what’s this persons name?
Ja:joe su- oh shit. Hey babe. How are you? Love you
J: YOU BITCH! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT YOU CHEATING MAN WHORE
Ja: ID GLADLY DO THAT. YOU KNOW WHAT. YOUR SO ANNOYING, THINKING YOUR BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE, JUST CUS YOUR SISTERS ZOELLA. THATS THE ONLY REASON YOU BECAME FAMOUS. YOUR TOO SKINNY, TOO SMALL, YOUR HAIRS UGLY, YOUR JAWLINES NOT THAT GOOD. YOU LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT! IM GLAD I CHEATED ON YOU. I HATE YOU. I FUCKING HATE YOU JOE"
And with that, jack was gone. He stormed off and slammed the door. I sunk to the floor and cried, cried and cried.
Caspar had recorded us talking/shouting so he sent it me and I put it in twitter with the description: “If you ever fall in love, make sure they aren’t a cheat 🙄😞😭 @jack_maynard”
And he replied with: “If you ever fall in love, make sure they aren’t a stuck up dickhead 🙄😞🖕🏻@joesugg”
Worst. Holliday. Every. And it’s only just begun.
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