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#so called intrusive thoughts but they're really just like advice or jokes or whatever sometimes a lil scary too but yeah
exosys
·
1 year
Text
unbelievable how many things are clicking into place. i can't put them into words right now though there's too many and they're slippery
#my stuff
#adding on as i collect:
#feeling like I'm barred from my own sexuality
#not remembering events and needing people to remind me
#lifelong identity issues
#the way my ex literally lives in my head rent free and i thought it was twin flame telepathy or something. ngl i still believe in telepathy
#like just in general being able to communicate with people in vibes but. that's beside the point here i think
#back to the point: my strategies of coping with bad situations being basically 'whatever I'll just dissociate'
#so called intrusive thoughts but they're really just like advice or jokes or whatever sometimes a lil scary too but yeah
#NOT EVER FEELING CONFIDENT STATING ANYTHING ABOUT MY BELIEFS OR ATTRIBUTES BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS CHANGE...............
#the fucking literal maps i used to draw like bro...
#i didn't think it was MINE i thought it was like a spiritual structure of the universe or Something. very embarrassing.
#sorry for putting it all out here like this. i just want it available later
#also i just deleted my tags on another post without really thinking about it but literally yesterday i was still talking about how i
#'see myself as one person its just a loose definition of what an identity is' like i tie my identity to the body no matter what
#that's another thing like. that time i learned to Trust the Body above all else
#i didn't really understand why i was even having trouble with something like that
#but also i somehow thought it was normal
#more or less
#feeling like i was a different person based on who i was talking to. i thought i was just masking autism or like idk mirroring y'know
#looking for ways to talk 'to myself' and i had a requirement that it needed to have an option to reply like a friend in a chat could
#like just messaging myself wasn't good enough
#looking back it's so... like.. this makes a LOT of sense
#THE WAY THAT FILLING OUT PSYCHOLOGICAL ASSESSMENTS FEELS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING INTOLERABLE
#like i can do a basic one because. we have learned. but it's torturous overall
#some of our past experiences with 'synchronicity' taking on a whole new meaning ..
#definitely there's still god and magic involved though
#in some but not all instances of synchronicity
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