#so bc of those memory gaps i cant figure out why it happens or how to fix it

[glasseater-3000]

i hate interpreting body signals does anyone have a manual for this shit

[lovelymaybankk]

cant do anything - jj maybank

req: no

#1 angst: I can’t do anything right

w.c: 1.641

tw: mentions of abuse, death, swears, mentions of beer & drugs

a/n: i love jj sm. and im dying my hair pink tehe. also this ones in lowercase bc im lazy. this is rlly bad

it wasn’t odd for jj and y/n to sleepover anywhere but their own houses. they both dealt with their own fair share of shit, desperately doing anything to never be home. though they never talked about it, they knew they were both going through the same things. y/n would have bruises around her hips and ribs, while jj normally had them on his stomach or even around his spine. 

so currently, the two were laid out on the dock beside john b’s house. they were silent, jj sitting up first. its been atleast two weeks since jj had even seen his father. and even though he was a dick, no matter how hard he would try he still found love somewhere in his heart for the man. y/n glanced at him, wondering why he had gotten up. so she matched his sitting position, but instead faced the boy.

“what’s wrong?” y/n asked, legs crossing as her hands went to her knees. she looked peaceful, brushing hair behind her ear.

“i should go home.” jj sighed, not wanting to but he needed to see how his father was. honestly, he knew he shouldn’t go home. he should go as far away from home as possible. but something in him told him he needed to go home. there was a pit in his stomach that he couldn’t explain, using his hands to push himself up and off of the dock.

y/n’s eyebrows furrowed, again matching the boy and standing. “what?” she asked, looking at the taller as if he had two heads. jj shrugged, letting out a heavy sigh. he knew what y/n would say, ‘you’re crazy, hes insane!’ but jj turned on his heel, not responding to his best friend.

y/n trailed behind him, basically interrogating the boy, “i have a bad feeling.” jj finally responded, going inside the chateau. the girls head shook, letting a breath out she didn’t know she was holding. 

“you’re probably just hungry. you haven’t eaten recently,” y/n commented, grabbing the boys bicep to stop him. he shook out of her grip, opening the door to the empty room where they had been staying.

“jj,” y/n sighed, leaning against the door frame as she watched her best friend grab his bikes helmet. “you know what hes gonna do.” they had an unspoken rule, never bring up the others home life. the comment that she made made jj stop, looking at her with angry eyes. 

“you don’t know shit.” jj snarled, but she did. they both knew what was going to happen. he pushed past her, shoes clicking loudly on the wooden floorboards. 

john b entered the house from the deck, staying silent as he watched his two best friends seemingly argue. his arms crossed, tutting to himself as he left to leave them by themselves.

“yes, i do.” y/n argued, now getting angry. he had never wanted to go home, but now he did? “i know your dad.” she seethed, chasing jj as he left the house and walked to his bike.

“god, y/n. lay off. alright? i don’t have a good feeling. i’ll be back soon, holy shit.” jj snapped, putting on the helmet as he sat on the motorbike. y/n stopped a few feet away. 

“ok.” she huffed, watching him speed off. y/n rolled her eyes, turning and going to meet the rest of the group on the deck. “that boy is gonna kill himself.” she took a seat beside kie, arms crossing.

“what happened?” pope questioned, leaning back and crossing his arms. y/n shrugged, not even knowing to be honest. one minute they were fine, next minute y/n cared to much and jj got all prissy on her.

jj drove angrily to his house, not even knowing why it mattered. y/n had pissed him off, asking to many questions. he hates questions. especially from the girl who he loves. likes. he never accepted his feelings, face heating up at the thought of loving her. without knowing, he sped up, taking a sharp turn into his driveway and stopping. 

why had he come home? jj’s breath shortened, stopping the bike and getting off. his foot tapped against the dirt below him, tossing down the helmet. he slowly walked towards the house, entering quietly. “dad?” jj called out, trying to stay silent.

no answer. the next thing jj knew, he was walking into the living room. his breath stopped. his dad was on the couch, empty beer bottles discarded around him. normally, he would think he passed out. but his chest laid still, body looking almost pale. jj knew what happened. his heart felt like it stopped.

his dad. the piece of shit he grew up. his only guardian. was dead. on their couch. jj fell to the ground, knees shaking. he couldn’t breathe. everything felt numb.

it had been two weeks since the group had seen jj. over time, everybody just became more than nervous. so today, they finally decided to see him.

john b got out of the van first, his heart beating in his ears. he slammed on the door, not caring if jj’s dad heard him. “jj!” he screamed, hands turning red from how hard he was hitting the door.

y/n wasn’t far behind, putting her hand on john b’s shoulder. the other two followed them, hearing shuffling behind the door. the door swung open, revealing a definitely high jj. they all let out a breath, y/n pushing past john b and wrapping her arms around  the taller. he shrugged her off, looking at her with confusion.

“hey guyss,” jj slurred, almost falling over. he seemed thinner. had he been eating?

“oh jj,” kie let out a soft sob, doing what y/n had done and hugging him. but only, she wasn’t shrugged off. y/n felt a heartache, body seeming to shake. “where the fuck have you been?” kie pulled out of the hug, feeling the stares from her friends.

jj shrugged, opening his arms to show the messy house. “here.” he continued to slur, bloodshot eyes struggling to stay open.  “when i came homee..” he struggled with words, eyes tearing up at the though of the memory. “i had a baaaddddd feelin’.” the pogues could barely tell what he was saying. 

“and i was riht.” jj muttered, rubbing his eyes. “my dad died.” he said in a soft voice, and everybody stopped. the air went thick. of course, the drunk boy didn’t notice. he fell over onto the floor, john b quick to move and grab him.

hours later, jj woke up from his slumber. his head pounded, ears ringing. everything around him was fuzzy, he could just barely make out a figure infront of him. as his eyes refocused, he noticed the figure to be y/n. he sat up immediately, running his hands through his hair as he watched girl slumped over herself, head handing low as she seemed to be asleep.

as jj moved, y/n woke up quick. “holy shit,” she let out a heavy breath, hands shaking as she got up to hug him. jj leaned into the touch, staying silent as he listened to her breathing. “i thought you died.” y/n mumbled, concern growing for the boy. he didn’t seem to be high or drunk anymore.

“i’m sorry,” jj didn’t want to let his emotions get the best of him. but watching his dad get taken away two weeks ago, leaving him alone left him broken. he didn’t want to be fixed. he barely ate during those two weeks, drinking mainly vodka and beer, abusing the powers of weed and his juul. he wasn’t healthy, but again, he didn’t want to be fixed.

“i just- i was so worried.” y/n stayed in the hug, refusing to let go. she pulled away after a few minutes, sitting at where his feet were. “why didn’t you tell us?” she questioned softly, hand resting on where the boys calf was.

“i felt so weak.” jj admitted, his stomach churning. “i just- i couldn’t move. i couldn’t talk. i should’ve-” he finally broke down, the happy face that y/n remembered hadn’t been there for two weeks. tears quickly ran down his face, pooling at the chin before dropping onto his shirt and soaking it. “i can’t do anything right. if i wasn’t such a fuck up this wouldn’t have happened.” jj sobbed, hands covering his face as his knees pulled to his chest.

jj couldn’t breathe. his breath shortened, his heart seemed to speed up. y/n moved quickly, cooing softly at the boy as she pulled him into a hug. they stayed like that for a little, y/n comforting the boy as he let out all of his emotions until he felt empty. he stopped crying, rubbing his eyes.

“are you okay?” y/n asked, her hand going onto his knee. he stayed silent, and from that she knew her answer. “jj, im gonna be honest. i was worried sick. the moment you stormed out i was so confused, maybe even heartbroken.” she let out a soft, sad chuckle. jj pulled his head up, connecting their eyes. “you’ve always been there for me. you mean the world to me in ways i don’t think you fully understand. i have to say this now.” she wanted to distract the boy, because thats what she was best at, “i love you.” y/n looked in his eyes for any emotion, but she couldn’t tell what he was feeling.

jj grabbed her cheeks with his hands, pulling her close and closing the small gap between them. y/n was shocked, but soon leaned into the touch. 

jj’s mind was occupied, realizing. shit, i coulda been doin this longer?