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dylan-o-yumm · 6 years ago

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Perfect Timing - Chapter 3

I’m so so so sorry this took so long to come out! I don't even have an excuse, I just suck lol. I made it longer to make up for not posting haha

I hope you enjoy this chapter, its more of a Nero x reader chapter with minor mentions of V... also, I hope you guys know that even though this is classified as a Nero x Reader x V story, it is more about the ‘readers’ relationship with Nero.

10K words

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3

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You had made it into the large, intimidatingly dark and gloomy Qliphoth. It reeked of blood, even the taste of the air was slightly metallic and coppery, causing you to gag when you first entered. It was like a strange Limbo, all buildings, vehicles and roads torn up and used as the foundation for the squishy, flesh-like texture along the floors, walls and ceilings. Though the ceiling was extremely high up and visible paths stretched across as far as you could see. Some kind of veins were sewn all throughout the fleshy tree, red blood being soaked up and transported throughout the Qliphoth, most likely to the top where Urizen was.

The fact that you had seen what this horrible demon tree was doing to people made you either want to violently throw up or drown in a pool of your own tears. The number of abandoned strollers you’d seen, people turned into husks, children clinging to their parents as all the blood drained from their bodies… it was horrible, unforgivable. As much as Urizen frightened you, you wanted to burn him for what he had done. He didn’t deserve redemption or to achieve his end goal. You and Nero had to stop it all, for the sake of all those lost lives.

As you walked through the Qliphoth, slowly making your way up to the top with your boots sinking into the fleshy ground, you fiddled with your gun strap as you tried to distract your mind, needing to think of something happier than the poor, innocent people who lost their lives. You thought about all the happy memories you made with Nico and Nero over the past few weeks, hoping for them to cheer you up somewhat.

There was one time when the three of you went to a beach for the day, needing a day out doing something other than hunting demons or rebuilding Fortuna. You and Nico were keen for a swim, since the days were getting hotter and hotter as summer neared. You both wore matching bikinis that you had bought together, thinking it would be funny when in reality it was just silly, even Nero shook his head at the two of you before Nico grabbed your hand and started running towards the ocean.

Nico had dragged you into the water and tackled you, right after you mentioned how you didn’t want to get your hair wet. When you came up for air she splashed you as she laughed, causing you to roll up your imaginary sleeves and attempt to tackle her. Nero stayed on the sand, headphones on while he relaxed and either watched you and Nico battle in the ocean, or slept. By the end of the day, he was bright red, having burned easily under the sun. It was at least two weeks before Nico stopped her teasing.

It was a good memory, one that bought a soft smile to your face.

You turned to Nero, wanting to remind him of the cute, little memory and possibly start up a conversation. Though, seeing him strut through the Qliphoth like he owned the place, Blue Rose in hand and a frown on his face, your smile wavered. He was clearly still upset about something, and you had a feeling it had something to do with you. Surely if he was mad at V for whatever reason, he would have cheered up a little bit when the goth went on his own way.

The fact that the silver haired hunter hadn’t even said a word to you since the fight with the Angelo’s, made you frown and start questioning every little thing you had done, wondering what on earth made him mad at you. It was genuinely hard for you to make Nero angry, which made things more confusing. While he was a hothead and would explode at anything and every thing Nico threw his way, he was, for some reason, much more lenient with you.

Times when you would tease him relentlessly, much like Nico would, he would have much more patience with you. Or when you ate his food or took one of his energy drinks, he would get a little pissy, but in the end he didn’t mind all that much. Now, if Nico did such things, he’d have a fit and lecture her, maybe even eat her food as a means to get back at her. Those two were really like siblings, which made you wonder just how much Nero really saw you as a sister.

What really made it confusing was that you had known Nero longer than Nico had, and sometimes he seemed more comfortable around her than he did you. You knew he didn’t hate you or dislike you in any way, since why else would he always want you with him on missions? But it was always a nagging thought in the back of your mind, wondering why he was so much more… shy, flustered around you.

As you were deep in thought, you accidentally tripped over a red vein, stumbling over your feet a little and bumping into Nero’s back. You always were a little clumsy, it was a shock you hadn’t been killed when fighting demons. One misplaced foot at the wrong time would be very bad, yet the worst you had come out with of a battle was a broken ankle. Perhaps Nero was watching out for you more than you had realised, always seeming to be there to catch you before things got too ugly.

Nero didn’t stop walking but slowed down his pace as he turned his head to look back at you. His frown deepened, mumbling something under his breath about watching where you’re going before he turned back and continued on walking at his usual pace. You felt your face drop and your chest tighten at his reaction. No, ‘are you okay?’ or some witty joke about your clumsiness? What the hell had you done to make him so cold towards you?

You didn’t move, watching him continue to walk down, deeper in to the Qliphoth and adding more distance between the two of you. You couldn’t help but worry about what this might mean for your fighting. What was going to happen when a bunch of demons showed their faces and Nero was too mad at you to help you out if things got too hectic? No, no, no! He isn’t like that at all, he wouldn’t willingly let you get hurt because you may have made him upset. He’s too kindhearted to do such a thing.

You knew he’d die before he ever let anything bad happen to you.

Doesn’t explain why he’s so distant and cold towards you at the moment. You had gone through everything in your mind, everything that you had done in the past twenty-four hours that could have possibly put him in this horrible mood. Nothing stuck out, nothing made you wonder if possibly you had insulted him or hurt him in any way. Not even anything you had said to anyone else could have made him this upset with you.

When he turned around and saw that you weren’t following, he tilted his head back and sighed, clearly getting more and more frustrated with you. You couldn’t hear him from where you stood but you were more than certain he muttered something under his breath, probably something about how difficult you’re being. The fact that he was so quick to be angry with you and not ask if you were okay like he usually would, hurt you.

You sighed sadly as you watched him pull the large sword off of his back and stab it harshly into the fleshy flooring. He took one step towards you, still no where near you since he had walked so far away, and raised his arms in a questioning manner before dropping them heavily back to his sides, huffing in annoyance.

“You sure like wasting time, don’t cha?” Nero called out to you, very clearly suggesting that this was something you frequently did. The only other time you may have wasted a few minutes was with V, hell you even suggested wasting more time with him. But it’s not like Nero was there for that, so why was he bringing up such a thing when you were always right along side him?

“Have you forgotten that there’s a demon to kill?” He added, taking another step closer, but raising his voice even louder. You frowned at his attitude, wanting to break down to tears in pure frustration of not understanding why he was being so rude to you. Even if he wasn’t mad at you, there was no reason for him to take his aggression out on you, save that for the demons, or even better, Urizen.

Nero spun on his heel and faced away from you again, shaking his head and running a hand through his short hair. Your frown deepened as you began walking down towards him. Your feet started off dragging along the floor like a stubborn toddler, but soon after began quickening your pace faster and faster until you were running. You had to keep a hand on your swords sheath, as to make sure it wouldn’t slip between your legs and trip you, which had happened a few times.

You caught up to Nero pretty quickly but instead of stopping to walking beside or behind him, you took the opportunity to catch him off guard. Your legs bent at the last second and you pushed off the squishy ground as you launched yourself at him, arms wrapping around his neck from behind and legs circling around his waist. Luckily for you, he had taken Red Queen off his back so you didn’t hurt yourself when you surprise attacked him with a piggyback.

Nero stumbled forward slightly from the sheer force and speed of you running and jumping on him, quickly reaching around to place a hand on your back to make sure you didn’t fall off and hurt yourself. He grunted as he stood back up straight, expecting you to slide right off him, but instead you clung to him like a koala on a tree. He bought his hands up to your arms and tried to pry you off him yourself, but there was no way you were letting go, gripping too tight.

“What are you doing? Get — Ugh! Get off!” Nero struggled while you basically hugged his torso with your entire body. Your cheek pressed against his ear, chin digging into the space where his neck and shoulder met, with an angry pout on your face. You were half tempted to bite him, just to shut him up, but you figured letting him give up on his own would be funnier. What was he meant to do? Throw you off him? Your fragile human bones wouldn’t be able to handle being thrown by him, and he knew it.

When he didn’t calm down after a certain amount of time, you decided maybe you should give him a hint as to what you were doing.

“I’m not getting off you until you tell me what I did wrong.” You had to raise your voice a little to make sure he heard you over his own grunts and huffs of annoyance. Only, when you said that, he stopped moving and struggling all together, standing straight and resting his once prying hands, calmly on your wrist, like he wanted you to let go but he couldn’t bring himself to get you off him anymore.

“What?” He asked in a confused voice, still slightly angry but much more calmer than he once was towards you. He turned his head to try and get a better look at you but it was difficult with you being already so close to his face, staring blankly at a vein on the Qliphoth floor since you couldn’t bare yourself to look in his eyes. You felt a little self conscious, having him know that his foul mood put you so on edge. You discovered quickly that you didn’t like it one bit when he was upset with you.

It felt like you had disappointed your big brother.

“Who said you did anything wrong?” He added, which made you now confused. You slid your legs down until you were standing on your own, but you didn’t dare take your arms off of him, that way he couldn’t run off on you and leave all your questions unanswered. You fisted his blue coat in your palms and shook him slightly, lips grazing his ear as you bared your teeth. How dare he… How dare he!

“Your shitty attitude, thats who!” You shouted, causing him to wince as you were so close to his ear, one of his hands coming up to cover said ear as he tried to move away from you out of fear of you yelling again, but you didn’t dare drop your arms. How could he treat you like the scum of the earth for at least an hour, then ask you such a question? He had made you gain a headache from overthinking too much, and now, ‘who said you did anything wrong?’

“Are you telling me you were just being an asshole this whole time for no reason? Nu-uh! I know you, Nero. Something’s up and you’re gonna tell me what it is” You grit your teeth as you keep a hold of his jacket and spin him around to face you, the zipper of his coat digs into your palm but, once again, you don’t dare let go. You stand firmly as you pull him close to you, your face inches from his as you repeat the last five words in a demand for answers.

He looks a little scared, flustered. His cheeks hold a pink tint while his eyes widen at your sudden firmness. You couldn’t help but be angry, maybe you were over reacting a little but it wasn’t like you and Nero got into fights often, so when you did, they tended to seem bigger than they were. However, you couldn’t seem to shake the fact that he supposedly thought he wasn’t treating you any different from what he usually does. Why else would he be so confused at your sudden outrage?

Nero looked a little embarrassed and guilty, like you had just caught him with his hand in the cookie jar. His bright blue eyes contrasted adorably against his reddened face, though you didn’t understand why he was blushing so much. You were pretty close to his face, but it’s not like that mattered since you basically just yelled and scolded him like an angry parent. He must have just been a little embarrassed that you were putting him in his place, since he was the big, cocky, tough guy getting yelled at by a girl.

“I’m… Uh — I just… I’m stressed, y’know?” Nero stumbles over his words as if he’s making them up on the spot, though you know he has to be stressed. He would be something otherworldly if he wasn’t. Though, since he was having trouble meeting your eyes and did his signature nose scratch, made you a little questionable of his answer. The look on your face must have said as much since he decided to elaborate a little.

“With Dante gone and probably dead… having to take down Urizen on my own… There’s just a lot of weight on my shoulders, I guess.” He paused a lot and spoke slowly, like he was making sure every word made sense and gave reason to his shitty attitude, which it did. You completely understood that he would be feeling this way, he had to be so completely lost in this situation. He had taken down many demons, but this was big, maybe bigger than the whole Fortuna incident. This wasn’t some old guy trying to play god… no, this was a psychopath sitting on a throne while thousands of people dried up of their blood for his own power.

With Dante being either dead or gone, it did leave a big impact on not only you, but Nero as well. Sure, you didn’t know Dante that well, but he had helped Nero so much back in Fortuna, having dealt with similar things over many years, this should have been a walk in the park for him. This was a Dante job, and if he got his ass kicked, what the hell were you and Nero meant to do? You were only humans and Nero had one arm! Dante was a half demon who was probably the strongest being you had ever met… and he lost.

With all that being said, you were stressed too. It didn’t mean you decided to be cold and distant with the people you cared about. While you could understand where Nero was coming from, you were still a little suspicious of his answer, wondering if there was another reason behind his attitude. However, you couldn’t hold a grudge against him, this was not the time to be unforgiving. If he was going to change the way he spoke to you and was more mindful of your feelings now, then why should you continue to be upset with him?

“Well, you’re not on your own. I know I’m not as good a fighter as you or Dante, but you’re stuck with me till the end, and I will help in any way I can.” You didn’t know if your words held any weight to the devil hunter, but you needed to at least try to reassure him. Your grip lessened on his coat until your hands finally dropped, gently nudging Nero in the ribs with a half smile.

He seemed a little taken aback by your words, and a little guilty for some reason. He bowed his head and chuckled under his breath, fingers playing with the devil breaker on his right arm awkwardly. His eyes twitched, like they didn’t know what emotion to show, but when he looked back up he seemed apologetic, perhaps maybe realising his previous actions that had hurt you.

“Now we’re wasting time.” You chuckled, accidentally cutting him off from whatever he was about to say. You watched as he gave you a nod and spun on his heel, walking the few steps to where he had stabbed Red Queen into the ground, to yank it out effortlessly and threw it over his back as if it weighed nothing. You followed and fell in line with him, this time walking beside him instead of trailing awkwardly behind, wanting to at least have a conversation while the pair of you made your way up the Hell tree.

You were still a little curious about Nero’s reasoning, figuring there had to be more to why he was so pissy, you had seen him when he’s stressed and while he does get a little snappy, he doesn’t really act like he was towards you. Oh well, you would just have to survive battling Urizen so you can talk it out of him later on. There was no point in dwelling on it now when there was a bigger issue at hand. Plus Nero seemed to relax his facial expressions just in case, so you knew he’d be changing the way he spoke to you.

“Hey, uh — I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.” He apologised as the two of you walked side by side, quickening your pace a little to make up for lost time. He glanced at you once before keeping his eyes forward, either embarrassed, hiding something, or looking out for demons. You figured it was the latter. He was acting so weird, maybe he was just really stressed, the most stressed you’d ever seen him.

You aww over exaggeratedly, almost tripping once again when you stick your hand out, grabbing Nero’s cheek in between your fingers and pinching him like you would a baby… Only much more aggressive and sarcastic. He tries to frown but the smile on his face didn’t go unnoticed by you as he swats your hand away and mutters something about never apologising to you again.

Nero suddenly stops walking and looks up, the expression on your face concerns you and causes you ton look in the same direction. What was it now that wanted to ruin the only nice and wholesome moment you got with Nero? You had been inside the Qliphoth for almost over an hour and there were a lot of demons, which was considered obvious since you were in the tree that was basically their home. However, it wasn’t a demon that you were faced with.

When you looked up, there was a strange tube that twisted and twirled all the way up as far as the eye could see. It was red… no, it appeared red. It was some sort of larger vein, all the blood-filled, smaller veins you had seen on this floor lead straight to whatever this was. All that crimson liquid being soaked up and transported up to Urizen like some sort of blood train. You knew the demon king needed a lot of blood for the fruit or whatever, but this made you feel physically sick.

“Oh, you’re gonna love this…” Nero stated sarcastically, as if reading your mind. He walked up to the base of the tube, which had some kind of opening, if you could call it that. It looked like the inside of a fruit, all squishy and juicy… yeah, you weren’t going to be eating any fruits on this trip. It made you want to throw up, both the look of it and the awful smell with the metallic taste in the air…

You watched with a disturbed look on your face as Nero reached his left hand out and stuck it into the large vein opening, sinking in all the way to his wrist. He didn’t seem fazed as he pulled it back out, covered in blood that he shook off like nothing but water. His fingerless glove was coated in red, the black fabric making it seem a lot darker than it was while his fingertips had blood dripping off onto the ground.

He looked back at you and chuckled at your horrified expression, wiping his hand on the outside of his coat twice. You took one step back, already figuring where this situation was about to go, but Nero was quick to grab your wrist in his once bloodied hand and preventing you from cowering away. The look in his eye didn’t calm your rising heart beat either, a half teasing glint staring back at you as he smirked knowingly, keeping a firm grip on your wrist so you couldn’t back away, no matter how badly you wanted to.

“C’mon, Y/n… Just close your eyes and hold your breath, it’ll be fine!” Nero scoffed as you shook your head repeatedly and tried your best to back away. He was seeming to find a little amusement in your fear, though there was a part of him that felt for you. You could see it in his eyes, how he felt a little sympathetic for you, knowing of your fear of heights and traveling through blood wasn’t the finest of transport. He had noticed your reaction to the smell and taste when you first entered the Qliphoth, so he couldn’t be mad with you reacting this way.

“Hey, I got you. I wont let anything bad happen to you” He stated casually, that damn smirk still teasing you, no matter how much you believed his words. You felt like sobbing as you looked back up, following the huge height of the vein you’d no doubt be traveling through. There was no way you could fall out of it, right? No way you’d be able to fall to your death? You figured you wouldn’t even be able to see since you’d be drowning in blood, but the thought still horrified you.

Nero pulled you close to him, wrapping his devil breaker around your back and pinning you against his chest so you couldn’t move. Your hands were gripping the front of his coat, much like earlier, but this time out of fear instead of anger, burying your face into his chest and squeezing your eyes shut even though nothing was happening yet. Usually Nero smelt quite good, he always used a deodorant that you loved but you couldn’t smell him at all over the stench of blood in the air.

You felt him step forward, pushing you back and you instinctively tried to pull away, not feeling ready enough to do what was about to be done. However, you knew you had to do it sooner rather than later. What did you say earlier about wasting time? The young devil hunter continued to whisper comforting words and noises in your ear that you couldn’t quite pay attention too, the sound of pumping blood flowing through the tube was too loud as you got closer and closer it.

Nero’s devil breaker pressed firmly against the centre of your back, keeping you as close as possible to him, you cracked one eye open to peek at what he was doing. His human hand was reaching out once again, this time instead of just sticking it inside the vein out of curiosity, he did his best to pry the squishy, blood-soaked entrance open.

Out of panic, you quickly let go of his coat and slid your arms around his waist, as an attempt to be able to hold him better, even though you were sure his grip on you would be more than enough. Your hands snaked under his coat, as if the layer of clothing would somehow keep you locked onto him, you might as well have put your arms through the sleeves along with Nero’s just for safe measure. You were certain your grip on him had to be painful for him, but as he pried the opening even wider to squeeze the both of you inside, you couldn’t bear yourself to lessen your grip.

Nero told you to take a deep breath, giving you approximately two-seconds to suck in as much air as you could before he was slipping the both of you into the vein. You made sure your eyes were squeezed shut and your lips sealed tight so no blood could suffocate or blind you. Nero’s devil breaker squeezed you tighter and made your heartbeat increase, fearing something bad was happening, but as his other arm came to wrap around you, your bodies being sucked into the tube, you relaxed a little as you felt his strong hold on you.

The feeling of being sucked up, through the squishy walls, nothing but thick blood filling your nostrils and coating your entire body, wasn’t exactly what you’d call pleasant. It was like diving into a bath of jelly, only to be sucked up by the drain when the plug is taken out. The only thing you managed to be thankful for was that it wasn’t hurting you in any way, it was actually kind of soothing, like a massage. However, knowing that you were practically swimming in thousands of other peoples blood made you more than nauseous.

Nero kept his tight hold on you, burying his face down, in your hair. You kept your face pressed into his chest, though it didn’t do anything to keep the blood from covering your pores and blocking your nose. Once you began to struggle for air, you had to blow little by little, the air you had sucked in out through your nose, giving you a little extra time to not drown in the thick blood.

Just as you felt like you were going to have to let out the last of your air, you were suddenly spat out, no longer feeling like you were suffocating or stuck in a tight space. You yelped as you and Nero came crashing onto yet another fleshy floor, your knees brushed the ground before Nero had steadied the both of you, keeping on top of him while he landed on his back, breaking your fall and grunting heavily as your added weight only made him hurt himself more.

You groaned as you pried your hands out from under his back and out of his coat. Nero blinked repeatedly to get the blood odd his lashes, staring down at you with an innocently startled looking expression, like he hadn’t expected traveling through the vein to feel like it did. You placed your hands on either side of his head and lifted your body off of his, giving him a little space to gain some of the air back in his lungs while you kept your lips tightly shut.

Nero looked up at you, eyes darting all over your face, lingering on your lips a little longer than the rest, probably for the same reason you were keeping them shut, because you were covered in many different peoples blood and didn’t want to taste any of it. You must’ve looked absolutely disgusting, and you felt like throwing up, though you could hold it in so you wouldn’t puke all over your friend.

Nero looked just as gross as you did, not a spec of his pale skin showing through all the red, like he had dumped a bucket of red paint all over himself. His hair was no longer white, his eyebrows and lashes tinted a bright crimson colour just like the rest of him, even his clothes were all red, apart from his coat that was very, very slowly dripping blood off and showing a few blue patched here and there.

You couldn’t move, unable to stand up since your legs were so shaky. Even though you couldn’t see over any edges, you knew you were really high up, the thought of the squishy platform you were now dumped on somehow collapsing entered your mind and you had a hard time trying to shake it away. Nero seemed to sense your nervous and fearful stare, letting his hands drop from your back to pat his coat quickly and repeatedly.

You didn’t have time to question what he was doing, or to even register what he was doing since you were so scared, before he had seemingly wiped his hand clean somehow, bringing his gloved hand up to your mouth to swipe the back of his palm over your lips. You let out a shaky breath as you finally let your lips part, the blood dripping from your lips being cleaned away by Nero’s hand.

He didn’t stop there however, as he dabbed his hand on his coat again to get rid of the blood he had just gathered to then come back up and wipe over your lips again. You watched his face as he did so, feeling yourself grow more and more comfortable where you were, no longer fearing how hight up you were as you noticed how blue his eyes looked against all the red covering his face. He looked oddly handsome, considering he was drenched in innocent peoples blood.

“You can breathe now” He teased, smirking faintly as he repeated the pattern of cleaning off his hand to then come up and wipe clean your face. All jokes aside, you felt like you finally could breathe, feeling like you were suffocating under all that blood. You wanted to help him as well, clean his face for him maybe, but you still couldn’t bring yourself to move and your hands were still gross.

“You’ve got… something on your face” You tease back breathlessly, smiling softly. You snap your mouth shut quickly though when Nero accidentally swiped his thumb over your bottom lip. He seemed unfazed by it, though he could have been blushing and you just couldn’t see it under all the blood. However, it felt oddly sexual to have that one little action happen between you both. He had never even touched your lips before, why would he? You were surprised how fast your heartbeat picked up at the little action though.

“Yeah, no shit. You’re just about clean though. Well… your face anyway, the rest of you is nasty” Nero takes a glance down your body with a teasing smirk, making you only now realise you’re still hovering over him, making your cheeks flush red. You prayed to whatever god that Nero would simply think the blood had stained your face a little instead of you being flustered, or you’d never live it down.

“You’re an ass” You grunted as you forced yourself up off him, pushing yourself to sit back on your knees beside him. He sat up after you with a groan and began wiping his face. However, he must have been playing gentle with you since it only took him two long swipes down either side of his face before he was deemed clean enough. Once he was done, he glanced at you without his cocky smirk for once, seeming a little worried about your current state.

“I’m okay. Just… heights, you know?” You stated before he even had the chance to ask you how you were doing. He simply replied with a nod, pulling himself up to stand before he came to you and extended his hand. You took his hand without question, letting him pull you up onto your feet, you were a little wobbly from the ride up but you managed to keep your footing and not fall back over.

“Lets just keep your mind off it, yeah?” Nero suggested, tugging your hand as he began to walk, only dropping your hand when he was sure you were following him. You fell into step beside him, nodding at his suggestion and trying to find something to talk about to keep yourself distracted. You oddly enough found yourself thinking about V, replaying everything that the two of you went through what was only hours ago but seemed like days.

The poet seemed to change a little when he spotted the burnt house on the hill, offering to travel on his own while he went to find the devil sword Sparda. You couldn’t help but worry for his safety, not only was he now on his own (apart from his summons), but now, said summons would be worn out because of the fight with the Angelos. Or at least, thats what your worried mind told yourself, deep down you knew they’d be fully charged up by now and V was most likely safe and sound… As safe and sound one could be in a demon infested town.

You kept up the pace beside Nero as you bowed your head in thought. You were no longer scared, or you were but you were doing a good job at distracting yourself from how hight up you were. Nero didn’t talk as he was waiting for you to bring up a topic, knowing you were already thinking and possibly about to talk at any second. You knew his way of distracting you would be talking about something he saw in a gun magazine or what happened on one of the tv shows he likes. Which you figured, he probably thought all those topics were unimportant at the moment considering what you were on your way to do.

You didn’t mind what he bought up, as long as it kept you somewhat focused enough to be able to fight demons without fearing any move you pulled would make you fall of the edge of the platform and to your death. However, you seemed suddenly very concerned for V, unable to shake him out of your mind. You were so caught up in Nero’s attitude this whole time, using all your time thinking about what you had done wrong, that you were a little too distracted to think about the beautiful goth.

“I hope V’s okay…” You blurted, the words having bounced around your mind so many times you figured you better just say them. Once they left your lips, you felt a little stupid because, of course he’s okay! He wasn’t helpless, he was more than capable of fending off demons, especially with the help of Griffon, Shadow and Nightmare. Perhaps it was just because his fighting style was a little different from what you’re used to, having seen Nero and Dante fight the same — though with much more style and flare — as you.

Nero turned his head to look at you with a frown which made you a little shocked. Did he have a problem with V? You thought back to when the three of you were walking down towards the theatre and how Nero refused to walk alongside the poet. Did something happen between them that you didn’t know about? V didn’t mention anything, and he didn’t seem any different towards the hunter, so why was Nero so… angered almost, when you’d mention the raven haired male.

“I forgot to tell you! We almost kissed” You blurted, having just completed wiped your previous thought of Nero disliking the poet, to tell him what had been nagging you in the back of your mind ever since it happened. As soon as the words escaped your lips, you felt butterflies in your stomach, those same feeling returning to you when V was pressing you against the train station wall. You bit your lip as you relived it in your mind.

Nero tensed up a little and you thought you might have given him too much detail for something he didn’t care much for. However, he was your best friend so he had to deal with all the boy talk since Nico wasn’t there to listen instead. You needed to get it off of your chest and have some insight from another persons point of view, and Nero might not have wanted to be that person but after the shit he had put you through today, consider it as his punishment.

Before you could even think to change the subject, not actually wanting to make Nero uncomfortable, he surprised you by adding onto the topic.

“Almost, as in, you didn’t?” He asked, tone a little lower than usual but you figured he was just being nice, thinking that you had chosen this topic as your distraction so therefore he had to go along with it. However, you were like a lovesick puppy who’d turn into a flustered mess when given any chance to talk about the beautiful poet. You couldn’t help it, you had helplessly fallen for his charm, not that you cared though.

You didn’t mind admitting that you were slowly but surely developing feelings for V, feelings that fell beyond just friendship. His voice would make your heart flutter, his green eyes were enough to put a whole bunch of butterflies in your stomach, and his overall kindness never failed to make you smile. He was just a beautiful man who you’d happily share your life with if given the chance. Maybe a simple date would be better to start off with, something to look forward to after all this mess is cleaned up.

You caught yourself smiling just from thinking about him, and so did Nero. Your eyes met his and you felt a blush take over your entire face. You couldn’t tell exactly what he was thinking, but he didn’t exactly look thrilled. You shook your head and wiped the goofy smile off your face, lacing your fingers behind your back as you pretended you weren’t just daydreaming about V passionately kissing you like he should have in that train station.

“Nah, Griffon kinda interrupted us” You explain, cursing under your breath at the demon bird. Nero scoffed at that lightly before scratching the back of his head awkwardly, like he didn’t know what to say next. He kept glancing sideways at you, you could feel his eyes on you, burning a hole into the side of your face. You knew he wanted to say something, you had been around him long enough to know when he wanted to get something off his chest but was too worried or shy for whatever reason. He probably just wanted to give you the ‘big brother’ talk, wanting you to be safe in a relationship.

However, nothing was bought up as the pair of you made it up a small hill of squishy flesh, standing at the top and peering down to see a destroyed payphone. Did it still work? Half of it was still standing, it looked like the top had been burnt off by a dragon or something. Nero didn’t seem to notice it as he kept peeking at the side of your face then awkwardly averting his eyes to the ground or his shoes.

“Hey, look… Think it still works?” You softly whack his still bloody bicep with the back of your hand before pointing towards the phone, grabbing his attention. He didn’t say anything as he frowns, keeping his eyes on the burnt red metal protecting the small black phone inside. Nero jogs down the slope and you follow behind him, almost tripping over your own feet and stumbling into his back. You have no idea how you’ve made it this far without tripping and falling off the edge of the Qliphoth, no need to be pushed, your clumsy feet will do the trick.

You stood beside Nero as he stepped into the broken phone booth, watching as he picked the phone up, placed a coin in the slot and began to dial the familiar phone number while you leaned against the side. He turned and raised his eyebrows at you as if to say he was surprised to hear it ringing, even you could hear when Nico picked up, her southern drawl practically echoing from the phone and into the wide open area.

Nero talked to the Artisan for a total of two-seconds before he hung up on her, or she hung up on him, you weren’t quite sure. He placed the phone back down and came to stand on the other side of you, crossing his arms and staring off into the distance, as if that was the direction he was guessing Nico would come from. You didn’t know that you’d end up playing the waiting game, having expected Nico to arrive quickly, like always. But the seconds turned into minutes and the minutes into half an hour.

You ended up sitting down and taking off your bloodied jacket, shaking it out and using whatever clean patch you could find on it to wipe the blood from your neck, hands and wherever on your face that Nero missed. The devil hunter ended up dozing off while reading a magazine that just so happened to be inside the broken phone booth, using the open pages as a cover for his eyes. You decided to be nice and use your jacket to help clean him up as well, whipping blood off of any patch of his skin before delicately wiping down his devil breaker and getting into all the gears and joints. He didn’t even seem to notice what you were doing as he faintly snored and mumbled in his sleep.

The rumbling of a car engine and a horn hoking grabbed your attention and pulled Nero from his sleep. The two of you stood to your feet, you having to tap Nero’s arm a few times to make sure he wasn’t half asleep so he wouldn’t get hit by the van considering Nico’s insane driving. The fact that you could see her through the windshield, casually waving her hand as if to tell you to get out of the way, made you worry for the sleepy hunter just a tad.

Luckily he was awake enough to spot Nico and actually be the one to pull you aside and out of harms way. The van’s wheels screeched as it sped past you and circled around to dodge you, coming to a sudden stop that would make you jolt out of your seat if your were inside. You ignored how the fleshy ground squished under the tires, ignoring the disturbing sound and the gross look of tire prints in etched in the pink flooring. You hated this place so much.

“What can I do for ya, asshole?” Nico puffed smoke from her cigarette as she stuck her head outside the window to smirk at Nero. The hunter simply huffed at her ability to quickly insult much like a sibling would before he walked around the other side of the van to hop inside. He must have wanted to get more devil breakers since he only had the one left after fighting a bunch of demons when you first came into the Qliphoth, none left hanging off his belt.

Nico winked at you and you crossed your arms, giving her a smirk. She sure was a sight for sore eyes, a familiar and welcome presence that you really needed after such a scarring time you’d had for the past hour or so in the demonic tree. You stepped up to the van and reached up to place a hand on the arm she had resting on the windowsill, if the van wasn’t so tall you’d reach up to give her a kiss on the cheek, but there was no way you’d be able to reach.

“How’s my favourite lethal artisan?” You ask, ignoring as she glances down your body and grimaces at all the blood staining your clothing and hair. You had to look absolutely disgusting right now. You heard Nero making a lot of noise in the back of the van, making you wonder what he was up to since he very clearly wasn’t just picking new arms. Your focus was bought back to Nico when she raised her eyebrows and bit her lip, earning a smile form you since you knew exactly what she was thinking.

“You flirtin’ with me?” She asks in a mocking tone, while she over exaggeratedly twirls her hair and puckers her lips for you. You chuckle and slip your hand off of her, bringing your fingertips to your lips which you kiss and blow to her. She clutches her chest and fakes a swoon, slumping back in the drivers seat as you begin to walk away, around the van so you can go inside to see whatever Nero is doing.

“You wish” You call out before you get to the other side of the van. A sudden beep of the horn causes you to jump and almost fall over as your heart beat rises in surprise. You turn to see Nico through the windshield, laughing her ass off like a misbehaved five year old who just pulled a prank on their parent. You shake your head at her and stomp your foot as you pretend your heart almost didn’t just jump out of your chest, continuing to walk around the van and walk through the already open door.

“Yo, Nico! Get over here and help me” Nero shouts, a little angrily. He must not have woken up in a good mood? You close the door behind you and take a seat on the small couch, resting your hands on the table while you glance into the back of the vehicle to see what Nero’s doing. Nico walked past you and pulled a face as she yelled back at the hunter, telling him to calm his tits. You chuckled and waiting for them to deal with whatever it was that needed to be dealt with.

It got rather quiet quickly, the loud banter and thrown insults died down and suddenly all you could hear were hushed whispers. Nico began to raise her voice and Nero instantly shushed her, she sounded angry… Whats going on? Whatever it was, was it something Nero just wasn’t comfortable telling you? If that was the case, you didn’t want to go sticking your nose in where it should be. But, if Nico was seemingly angry at what he was telling her… Was he bitching about you?

Nero was acting so weird… Had you done something now to piss him off and he was telling Nico how much you annoyed him? Surely not, Nero isn’t like that and he was completely fine with you the whole time after you pulled him up for being an asshole towards you. There was a chance they possibly weren’t even talking about you, maybe they were talking about V and didn’t want you to hear because you were getting closer and closer to him? So, where they bitching about V?

“Nero, we good to go?” You asked, feeling your stomach twist at the thought of your two best friends either shaming you behind your back or V. Neither were fair. However, you knew and loved them both so much that you knew they wouldn’t be doing such a thing. But what else would they be talking about that you wouldn’t be able to hear? Nero was fairly open with you, so having him seemingly talk behind your back, made it feel like you were being stabbed instead.

“Yeah, just a second” Nero replied in a huffy tone, making you realise he was mad or upset for sure. Theres silence for a few seconds and you look back to see Nero staring pleadingly at Nico who looks pretty pissed off. She huffs and points aggressively in his face before stomping off, disappearing behind the bathroom wall over where she keeps her nail polishes and books. You keep watching, hoping to see what she’s doing, but your eyes meet Nero’s.

He doesn’t look angry when he sees you. His eyes look sad almost, or guilty. What is he up to? You furrow your brows and raise a hand with a shrug, silently asking him what he’s doing. Instead of answering you or even acknowledging you, he frowns, not at you but at himself before he tears his eyes off you and disappears behind the wall with Nico. Theres a few more hushed whispers and you feel yourself shrinking into your seat.

Confused, sad and a little angry. That pretty much sums up what you’re feeling right now. Theres no way Nero was stupid enough to think you just couldn’t hear them whispering and… plotting it sounded like. He very well knew you thought something was up.

When they came around the corner together seconds later, you couldn’t even bring yourself to smile and pretend you hadn’t just been trying to eavesdrop on their obvious banter about something either about you or something that would hurt you if you found out. At least that what you figured was going on, they weren’t the type of people to exclude or talk shit behind someones back.

No one said a word as Nero came to stand in front of you, Nico stood with her arms crossed behind him, scowl on her face as she leaned on the bathroom door. That look wasn’t at you was it? No, she seemed to be upset with Nero. Nero looked like was about to do or say something he didn’t want to, which is what was confusing you. His eyes couldn’t meet yours, for some reason he kept looking at his devil breaker, watching it as it rose ever so slightly to come at brush against your fingertips.

“What’s going on?” You finally asked, only to be ignored by the both of them. Nero kept pushing his hand until he could wrap his metal fingers around yours, holding your hand as if he was about to tell you something upsetting or confess his love, the latter would never happen but it showed how out of place this situation felt to you. You couldn’t help but close your hand around his, squeezing the hard metal as if to tell him to open up and confess whatever he was doing, only when you realised he wouldn’t be able to feel you, you suddenly felt stupid.

“Don’t let her out, Nico” was the first thing Nero said before he flipped his hand in yours, gripping your wrist in a tight grasp. You furrowed your brows, only now noticing that his human hand was hidden behind his back, clearly hiding something. You tried to say something, anything, but as he revealed his hand to show thick, heavy handcuffs, you could only stutter. You tried to fight Nero, pulling away as hard as you could but he was simply too strong.

The handcuffs were for demons, something so strong that they wouldn’t be able to break out of, not even Dante could. Nico had whipped them up one day, having used a variety of materials that you had never even heard of before, but it seemed to work as the three of you tested them out on Dante. He couldn’t get free, so there was no chance you could either, you were merely human.

Nero bent down as he captured one of your hands in the cuff, clicking it in place tightly while you already felt it digging into your skin from pulling back so hard. Why was he doing this? Did he not want you to come with him that bad? Was that what he was telling Nico? Why was she just standing there and letting this happen? Your blood was boiling as you yelled and kicked and did everything in your power to get free. Nero crouched down, seemingly unfazed by your attempts as he clasped the other cuff around the leg of the table, keeping you locked inside the van.

“NERO! You can’t do this!” You yelled loudly, using your free hand to grab his coat and keep him from leaving. What was he going to do, fight Urizen on his own? He would probably be able too but you wanted to help, needed to help him! You didn’t come all this way just to be locked away when you were at the final goal of your mission. You had to make Urizen pay, make him suffer for all the lives he had taken and used for his own selfish gain.

“We’re supposed to be a team! LET ME HELP!” You kept yelling. If Nero goes on his own, what if he dies? What if Dante isn’t there to help him like you had been hoping? Nero’s strong but you hadn’t seen Urizen or what he’s capable of, so if he could so easily defeat Dante, then you didn’t have much hope for Nero. You couldn’t let him go on his own and possibly never — oh god! What if this is the last time you see him?

Nero gripped your hand that was almost tearing his jacket, holding it gently but forcibly prying your fingers open so he could slip free. His eyes met yours and you felt angry tears threaten to spill down your cheeks, he looked so hurt and guilty but you didn’t care. He should at least give you a chance to fight the demon king, what was the point of coming all this way if he didn’t? He needed all the help he could get, even from a human like yourself.

He didn’t say anything as he slipped past you, opening the door and quickly closing it behind him so you couldn’t grab him again. It didn’t stop you from punching and kicking the door hard enough to leave a dent and bloody your knuckles. You turned to Nico, pleading her to let you go, but you could tell she wouldn’t because she couldn’t even meet your eyes. She looked just as guilty, if not more, than Nero. She knew what you were capable of and probably wanted you out there helping Nero, thats why she was getting mad at him moments prior, but Nero seemed set of his decision to keep you locked up.

How long had he been planing this? Was he just keeping you along for the ride, wanting a buddy to talk to while he sorted out the lower class demons, something you could handle, just to show off that he could take on the big one on his own? Was that what this was? Some crazy power trip for him?

Nero spoke up once more, making you freeze as you had thought he had already left, but his words made you question everything you had just thought.

“I’m sorry, Y/n but I can’t have you dying on me” He stated firmly through the door before you heard his footsteps grow softer and softer the further he got away until you couldn’t hear them at all.

This was his way of protecting you.

Look at the shit I do just so I don’t have to write fight scenes lol

Tags: @sakkajagga @dmcdrabbles @blueroseblaze @music-of-chaos @kraiison @crystal-skanadal @vergils-daughter @lucielandss @sherrybirkin

(Let me know if you’d like to be added/removed from tags)

#perfect timing #chapter 3 #perfect timing chapter 3 #nero x reader #nero x reader x v #dmc imagine #nero imagine #nero dmc #nero sparda #nero angelo #v dmc #v dmc x reader #v x reader #devil may cry imagine #devil may cry x reader #dmc x reader #nero devil may cry #devil may cry nero #nero

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carolinesbookworld · 5 years ago

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tagged by @kabeswaters and @swellwriting <3

on a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now? 0

describe yourself in a hashtag? very similar to @fortisfiliae #stressedanddepressed

if you could do a love scene with anyone, who would it be? Harrison Osterfield

if your life was a musical, what would the marquee say? prepare for disaster

what’s one thing people don’t know about you? um...idk my boyfriend knows basically everything about me sooooooo

what’s your wake up ritual? wake up, turn off alarm (bc with this at-home learning stuff i’ve been waking up like literally 1 min before my alarm goes off???), text good morning to my bf, snapchat, discord bc moonlit fam talks allll night, tumblr, get out of bed, wash face, get dressed, coffee and breakfast it’s very specific

what’s your go to bed ritual? wash glasses and face bc my skin is soo oily by the end of the day so you best believe my glasses be needing washing everyday, shower, say goodnight to fam, text bf for like 15 mins or until he says goodnight, turn alarm on, plug in phone, go to sleep

what’s your favorite time of day? morning but specifically from 7:30 until 9

your go to for having a good laugh? FRIENDS as in the show

dream country to visit? Australia bc my dad once got to hold a baby koala there and i wanna do that so bad

what’s the biggest surprise you’ve ever had? so my family moved before my sophomore year so me and my bff started trying to surprise each other whenever one of us came to visit and the weekend of my birthday, she skypes me as she’s walking around what i thought was her house and then i start hearing an echo and next thing i know she’s standing in the doorway of my room and that was pretty much the best surprise ever

heels or flats/sneakers? sneakers converse

vintage or new? new but i love vintage aesthetic i just couldn’t live with it

who do you want to write your obituary? karli @swellwriting bc she is my brain twin and i would be mocking her horrible grammar and spelling from my grave and we would both get a good laugh about it in the afterlife

style icon? the mom i babysit for haha she’s like one of my best friends tho which sounds really weird but it’s true

what are three things you cannot live without? books, dogs, days that are exactly 65 degrees

what’s one ingredient you put in everything? um idk chocolate??

what 3 people living or dead would you want to make dinner for? Sarah J. Maas, Eddie Redmayne, my boyfriend bc i haven’t had dinner with him for 47 days

what’s your biggest fear in life? losing the people i love...and spiders

window or aisle seat? window bc aisle makes me anxious that i’m in people’s way

what’s your current tv obsession? the cw’s nancy drew it’s so good please go watch it

favorite app? instagram, discord, or tumblr, depends on my mood

secret talent? um idk i can draw very realistic portraits of people when i take the time to

most adventurous thing you’ve ever done in your life? okay so technically this wasn’t me who did it but i was part of the adventure. when me and my boyfriend were just “friends” ie. liked each other and knew we liked each other but were too scared to admit it. anyway, we had this elaborate plan to shave our youth group leader’s head if we were able to bring in a certain amount of food for the food drive during vbs week. so yeah we spent like three days planning the whole thing out and then decided to go price shopping at walmart with all of our younger siblings bc we needed supervision or something lol to see how many individual things of food we could buy with $20 each we ended up just getting like 20 huge boxes of ramen and then his sister ended up throwing up so we took her home and then went back to church where my car was parked but instead of turning to get to church my boyfriend decides to go straight through the stop light (it was green okay) and spontaneously drive up into the foothills. well we get to the top of the foothills and we’re at the lake and we all get out to look at the city and my boyfriend claims that we need to document this moment so he takes a selfie with all of us and we somehow ended up right next to each other in it and i only found this out like three months ago (this happened back in june) that he only took the picture because he wanted one of us together in case we didn’t start dating lol so sweet and yeah, that was a very long story but i needed context instead of just saying “yeah we drove up a mountain”

how would you define yourself in three words? loyal, anxious, passionate

favorite piece of clothing you own? this dark coral dress that makes my eyes and hair look really pretty

a must have clothing item that everyone should have? a hoodie

a superpower you would want? i want to be able to project my thoughts into someone else’s mind bc i’m so bad at explaining stuff sometimes especially when it comes to how i feel

what’s inspiring you in life right now? ACOTAR series by Sarah J. Maas, highly recommend

best piece of advice you’ve received? opening up to more than one person is important because if you lose that person then you’ve lost all your support

best advice you’d give your teenage self? the friends who have stuck around this long are the ones you want to hang onto and the ones that you need are the ones you don’t always see

a book everyone should read? The Book Thief by Markus Zusak

what would you like to be remembered for? being a crazy dog mama

how do you define beauty? confidence in yourself and not caring what others think about you

what do you love most about your body? my metabolism

best way to take a rest/decompress? open a window to feel the breeze and listen to Islands by Hey Ocean! which is so calming to me

favorite place to view art? nature or tumblr

if your life was a song, what would the title be? we’re going with a fob/p!atd theme here and calling it “depression screwed me over so i screwed it back and ended up worse off”

if you could master one instrument, what would it be? piano

if you had a tattoo, where would it be? probably on my forearm or by my left hip

dolphins or koalas? koalas did i mention that i want to hold a baby koala

what’s an animal that represents you? great dane puppy ie. very excitable but will also take a four hour nap when tired

best gift you’ve ever received? my best friend made this photo collage for me when i moved that is hanging in my room and it has a bunch of pictures of me and her over the years and i just love it

best gift you’ve given? for christmas i gave my boyfriend a hammock and the bookshelf addition of clue, two things he had no idea i would remember him mentioning and his face was priceless. also i made my mom a cake for her birthday this year and she was so happy and said it made her feel very special <3

what’s your favorite board game? clue or ticket to ride (specifically nordic countries)

what’s your favorite color? currently a pale turquoise

least favorite color? any shade of light brown

diamond or pearls? diamonds

drugstore makeup or designer? drugstore bc i don’t wear makeup enough to validate buying designer, also i don’t really care

pilates or yoga? yoga

coffee or tea? coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee coffee cof-

what’s the weirdest word in the english language? palindrome is wild because it means a word spelled the same way forwards and backwards but it itself is not one such word

dark chocolate or milk chocolate? milk

stairs or elevators? stairs

summer or winter? summer but like, only june

you are stuck on an island, you can pick one food to eat forever without getting tired of it, what would you eat? panera mac n cheese

a dessert you don’t like? red velvet cake which btw is not red-colored chocolate cake as many would have you believe

a skill you’re working on mastering? writing

best thing to happen to you today? i got to put all of my new plants in my windowsill and i named one of them (its name is albert in case you were wondering)

worst thing to happen to you today? idk today’s been pretty good as far as quarantine goes

best compliment you’ve ever received? my boyfriend calls me beautiful all the time and he always reminds me that that is describing looks and personality

favorite smell? coffee or my boyfriend’s sweatshirt for the week after i steal it

hugs or kisses? can i choose both?? depends on my mood mostly but i guess hugs if i just had to pick one

if you made a documentary, would it be about? literally anything relating to the mcu

last piece of content you consumed that made you cry? a court of wings and ruin by sjm

lipstick or lipgloss? lipstick

sweet or savory? sweet

girl crush? literally any female in the teen wolf cast

how do you know you’re in love? hahahaha haha what's love

a song you can listen to on repeat? we fall apart by we as human or uma thurman by fob

if you could switch lives with someone for a day, who would it be? idk my boyfriend probably, this is something we have discussed in depth

what are you most excited for/about this time in your life? for life to go back to normal

tagging @finnofamerica @woakiees @beskarjedi @outerlacy @swanimagines hahahahaha have funnnnn this took me an hour to answer

#about me #tag game

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nrgburst · 5 years ago

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The RLR triangle

So originally I had just planned a straightforward tournament fic for Bend it- Arya meets Gendry, Arya actually fights Gendry, one or both of them win? (Literally that was my plan- A+ very thorough, right? LOL). Just a little crossover oneshot for @lyrawhite to ease back into Gendrya fandom, inspired by this fanart, this little AtLA extra video and Toph's intro to the Gaang in an Earthbending tournament (EARTH RUMBLE 6!).

But the more I thought about parallels between AtLA and GoT/ASoIaF, the more I needed to parallel the Fire Nation's Imperial conquest of the other nations with the Targaryen Dynasty ruling the Seven Kingdoms of Westeros and The Hundred Year War with Robert's Rebellion. And since the key to the latter was a tournament at Harrenhal, all the parallels for my fic were right there. So Bend it became longer and more layered but I actually like it better that way? Plus Robert/Lyanna seems to be GRRM's deliberate parallel and contrast to Gendry/Arya, so I just had to go there.

First off, here's how The War went in Avatar:

WATER. EARTH. FIRE. AIR.

Long ago, the four nations lived in harmony. But everything changed when the Fire Nation attacked.

Here's the map of the Four Nations they show while Katara says those words in the intro to AtLA:

https://it.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:GEOGRHY_Avatar.jpg

As you can see, the Earth Kingdom is HUUUUUUGGEE and its capital city is Ginormous. You can even see the walls of Ba Sing Se from space and the city is almost as big as the ice-y island the Northern Water Tribe lives on. The Fire Nation is a small group of volcanic islands. The Water Tribes are split- one on each pole, and the Air Nomads also seem to be split between three groups of islands.

Thing is, most of what you see has been annexed by the Fire Nation by the start of the show, with the sole exception of Ba Sing Se until S3. (THERE IS NO WAR IN BA SING SE.) The Air Nomads don't even exist anymore because the Fire Nation killed them all --yes, actual genocide. And the people of the Earth Kingdom greatly resent the Fire Nation taking their crops and resources, while the Water Tribes are also constantly raided by Fire Nation ships- nothing strikes fear in Waterbenders like ash falling from the sky, because it means Fire Nation ships are close. I found this deep seated resentment a lot like how the lords of Westeros were chafing under the “leadership” of Aerys. They were looking for an excuse to rebel, and the Baratheons/Starks/Arryns found it. More meta about that is here (though that author views Lyanna as property, not a person). In both the Avatar world of Bend it and Westeros, the political and economic conflicts were already entrenched and ready to blow before Rhaegar and Lyanna’s forbidden affair set it off, and therefore in both, “Robert's Rebellion was based on a lie.”

One of the big underlying mysteries in GoT/ASoIaF is what exactly happened at Harrenhal. It’s told in bits and pieces from such unreliable sources as Littlefinger. But we know the story Robert told: that Lyanna was kidnapped and raped by Rhaegar after the tourney. He was furious that his betrothed was taken from him, so he kills Rhaegar dramatically in battle and wins the Kingdom. The first thing he does in Winterfell is visit Lyanna’s grave after weeks of travelling, and his declaration that “Seven Kingdoms couldn't fill the hole she left behind” is the stuff of tragic romantic loss. (In retrospect, I think this was actually a backhanded insult thrown at Cersei.)

It isn't until S6/7 that we start to glimpse the other side of that triangle and 7x07 The Dragon and The Wolf reveals that Rhaegar and Lyanna had actually fallen in love and eloped- he'd even annulled his previous marriage. (Not morally great choices, seeing as how he already had two children and was betraying his wife and their Dornish alliance, and Lyanna is much younger than him in the books. Still, Lyanna wasn’t abducted- she went willingly.)

And look at Lyanna’s choices from her perspective: Robert loved whoring and drinking and was an unabashed boorish brute. He disgusted her and he didn’t know her, nor were they in love. And then she meets an elegant songwriting prince who is as skilled with the lance and on horseback as he is with music at the tourney. Wouldn't you also have considered such a romantic figure over such a Chad as Robert? Especially a Chad who felt so entitled to her that he went to war and murdered her husband rather than take no for an answer?

Obviously, Rhaegar and Lyanna still made terrible choices that cost thousands of lives including their own, and then put Ned (and Jon) in a horrible position. But I understand why Lyanna made that choice and grabbed desperately at the chance to have a man she wanted instead of resigning herself to one she didn’t. I did tweak the canon in Bend it a little to make it less problematic- Rhaegar is younger and Lyanna is therefore closer to him in age (you have to be a young adult to qualify for tournaments), plus she’s the winner of the Harrenhal tourney, not him. But in both this crossover and the original triangle, the widely known narrative about their relationship wasn’t the whole truth- it was basically the narrative given by the bitter ex after he murdered (and therefore silenced) Rhaegar. Also in both cases, plain old misogyny drowned out Lyanna’s POV- but because she still lives in Bend it, she actually gets to give voice to it.

#meta #bend it #rhaegar x lyanna #got #asoiaf #got x atla #trope: love triangle #trope bingo #mine #r+l=j

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tribridkissed · 5 years ago

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Everything Afflicting Lil’ Ol’ Me…

Sleep Paralysis:

Starting off with the basics here because this has been what sort of started it all. When I was little, I was super into the whole idea of spirits. I honestly still am for different reasons, but it started when I was young and having sleep problems. The doctors still don’t know why it started, but I’ve always thought I sensed ‘presences’ so I told ghost stories…because I saw ‘ghosts’ in my sleep, some of which were terrifying and would sit on my chest and I’d still feel that feeling when I woke up, so duh it was real.

When I was a teenager, I started getting these hallucinations far more vividly and the doctors started to take it a lot more seriously, especially when I was getting depressed and suicidal on top of it all. Turned out I had ‘Old Hag’s Syndrome’, or ‘Sleep Paralysis’, and there was now a logical explanation for it. Basically my brain wakes up sometimes before my body does, and I’m paralyzed but I can still see the hallucinations. Feeling pinned down and violated is honestly the worst, and it fucks me up for the rest of the day mentally when it happens. It is why I’m against lucid dreaming, and why I vehemently believe in demons and evil spirits even if doctor’s wanna just call it a hallucination induced by stress. Either way, I have insomnia sometimes too and my sleep is all over the place and that never helps one’s body.

Hormone Imbalances

My hormones have probably been all over the place my whole puberty experience? Like, my periods started out being heavy, irregular and painful. I know that’s mostly normal--we women handle cramps like a boss, okay?--but I would have to stay home from school once or twice in a row every time I got my period, because I was curled up in a ball hurling: much like I do now. Going on birth control helped for a while and then started to make it worse, so we took me off of the birth control and my period started to even out and I stopped getting so sick, unless I ovulated from both sides and not just one, which they found out was also happening. Yay for the possibility of twins naturally, but yikes to the extra hormone surges.

Paraxysmol AFib:

I went through a whole stint of my early 20′s having palpitations in my chest. I just attributed it to my anxiety, and to stress because I had just finished a whole High School career of only honor’s classes, and I had switched from Pre-Med to Early Childhood Development, and so even when the doctors from an arrhythmia, I just sort of dismissed it. I didn't have the time, I was working twelve hours days as a nanny, I was doing college, and I didn't have time...and then I had an AFib attack after exercising and ended up having chest pain.

That pain lasted a month and a half without going away or getting any better, I had a bunch of doctors tell me I was being a hypochondriac, and then I got put on a heart monitor. The heart monitor caught not one but two episodes in the span of three weeks, and it was only then that they took me seriously. So even though I was ‘too young’ and ‘healthy’, I ended up becoming a heart patient at the ripe old age of 25, and it has been part of my life ever since. I take medicine daily to keep my heart rate down, because it beats too fast on its own, and I had to cut down on coffee, which...I was a caffeine addict so that was rough, lol. I’ve had to change dosages, which stresses my body out for a week each time that happens, and it has just been who I am now. I have heart patient jewelry and everything, just in case of emergencies.

Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome

So this all brings me to the next big thing: cyclic vomiting syndrome. I have been sick for 6 months now, nauseous basically every day, vomiting stints every once in a while that land me in urgent care to get IV fluids and meds because nothing will stay in my stomach, it all comes up. This started back in August, now known actual cause, and it has been my main affliction these days. I am on antacid medications, my heart medicine still, and anti nausea I have to take every single day. My body is exhausted, and that’s not even the half of it.

The doctors aren’t even fully sure this is what is going on with me, this is just how they are treating me because they can’t find anything. I have had an MRI, CT scans, ultrasounds, blood tests of all sorts (food allergies, diabetes, etc.), and everything says I am healthy. I have had a tumor removed from my esophagus when they did the endoscopy in the beginning, and I had a history of cysts (I’ve had one in my head, in my arm pits, and now one in my right nasal cavity), and I have a second and third tumor growing in my right arm. They aren’t convinced any of this is related, they just know that my period problem from high school is happening again, so they’re convinced it is hormone induced cyclic vomiting syndrome...which has no for sure cause or cure, so, that has been nice, and has triggered my depression, but I’ve been dealing with my depression my entire life.

Depression/Abuse

Since I was a kid, I’ve had a messed up home life. My uncle did some truly horrible things before he ended up eventually in jail for four life sentences, and short story on that because I simply don’t talk about it, is he used to tape my sister and I shut in boxes, and threaten us with his pet snake. He even through a knife at my cousin once, and would put my sister and up on the top shelf of the closet and leave us there.

On top of that, my Dad was never around much, and he left for good when I was 7, the same year that my grandmother died from the chemo for her ovarian cancer. He is a whole other story in itself, but he only added to my abandonment issues when I was 21 and he showed back up ONLY to talk my sister and I out of making him pay off the back child support he owed (it was a whole thing), and having the audacity to say he stayed away because he loved us...but raised our half siblings, so...just. I don’t like talking about him either.

Then I had a mother who was constantly verbally abusing my sister and I--she still does--and calling us fat even when we were skinny. Telling us we wasted our potential, telling us we’re useless, etc., and only recently getting herself the help she needs for her own emotional issues because she too was abused. Our family is filled with abusers, and she’s much better now that we’ve all addressed we have some problems, but dealing with that on top of all the other things that I deal with now, has been rough.

I feel broken. My mother tells me not to say that, but all of my health issues, and my failed past relationships with boys that have thus kept me single the last three years, make me feel that way. I’m a demisexual person who had two boyfriends cheat because they couldn’t wait for me to be ready for sex, and one basically admit after a little while that he just wanted sex and was “putting up with my feelings until then”, and I dunno, I delved farther into writing and honestly, it has been my only constant.

I’ve been writing stories since I was 6, and this is a hobby, yes, but it is also an escape when I’m not working on my stuff to get published (I’ve actually been a published author since 2011). I’m editing my second book right now and it gets priority sometimes when I’m in a funk, but I have been so sick lately because of my stomach, and just so tired and stressed with work really only keeping me on because they can’t fire me when I have medical reasons and doctor’s notes, and I just thought you guys should know.

I try to be on because writing helps me not think about all of my issues, but sometimes I’m so tired, or so sick, that I just can’t do replies. Plus, my arm with the tumors has been hurting more and more lately, and I may have to get them removed, which will mean another two weeks of a sling and pain meds, and crying myself to sleep because recovery from arm surgery hurts.

So if I’m ever slow, something is up. I love being around to write--it’s my safe space--but I’ve been dealing with a lot lately. I really do love and appreciate all of you, and I’m so grateful that you guys are so patient with me. <3

#out of mystic falls // ooc #damn writing it all out makes me feel a tad sad lmao #tw: sleep paralysis #tw: heart problems #tw: depression #tw: swearing #tw: vomiting mention #tw: period talk #tw: long post #that isn't even all of it because i didn't go into a whole bunch of detail #but that is the just of it guys

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copehell96 · 5 years ago

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VENT so xbox companion logged me out of my dads account and... VENT

idk its not like I can even play it I don’t got the xbox anymore cause of some fuckery of my guardians like god idk it wasn’t that long after he died maybe a year after- its been four years now ig? ...but god did that feel like a fucking punch in the face you know? I have no idea how to log back into it maybe I could ask my half brother but... He couldn’t even fucking tell me my nivada password I asked him 3 times between holidays for a year and finally said fuck it and changed the password myself.

...But it’s just so fucking stupid man...

it was the ONE thing I could access that was Dad’s- everything else they took away or couldn’t figure out how to log in (Fucking hire a hacker then damn cowards) I just...

I miss him and I even miss Mom!? Even if she was still doing drugs and yelling at me I don’t care I’d deal with it- anything deal with anything not to be alone anymore... I have bro but-... honestly idk man... I’m like I need a new consoler but why the FUCK should I trust em after Josh after four years of being there decides “ BYE “ and just leaves after like nearly a whole month or more of silence only to find out second hand he just up and LEFT... and went somewhere else nearby to work??? Leaving the Kelbermen center with ONLY ONE Consoler btw. I think that was just GAH. it was a dick move man...

I just don’t want to trust someone again like that? like whats the fucking point you know?

im so damn tired of having to just trust people with what I have to say, what I think- when all I want is to FUCKING DIE. That or dissociate so hard I don’t have to care anymore- space spacy- daze off, hallucinations and shit. Looking in the mirror and never EVER seeing myself - or if I do I’M UGLY UGLY so ugly I get urges to cut up my face- I hate it hate it- I just...

I’m so tired and I’m 24, I was gonna start some college-ish work training stuff but this stupid virus stuff ofc ruined it, im having trouble calling / texting people again- as bad as when Dad first died trouble. and Bro will drop off and not help unless I make it VERY obvious I need help- he’s doing a lot better NOW but idk how long that last until he drops off for a month again and leaves me to do everything AGAIN. AND AGAIN.

god no wonder mom did fucking drugs. its almost funny.

I cut for the same reasons she’d go out. Loneliness, not feeling like you getting the support you need, working yourself to exhaustion, being trapped in the house all day no way out, no where to go cause you got no car, family that you need around you basically not calling or anything for weeks, threats from family members about this or that cause of whatever dumbshit that's going on, oh and the IMPULSE TO JUST DO IT AGAIN. RELAPSE.

...atleast I can say I understand her better now, tho im not sure if I’ll ever forgive her for the hell she put me and bro through. Unlike Dad she never got better, never was able to provide the same stable house he could. He might of made mistakes when we were little (I have no memory of any of it tho- even if it was the start of my self harming tendencies from what I was told from mom told me) he GOT BETTER. He worked hard to make sure we felt safe, and NEVER yelled and always appreciated when I helped him around the house or hung out with him to watch tv / him play a game... Mom couldn’t even sit to watch one movie with us- NOT EVEN A SCARY ONE LIKE THE GRUDGE LEAVING ME AND BRO TO HUDDLE IN A CORNER SCARED-

I don’t think I could ever fully forgive her.

I miss trying so hard in my dreams to get to heaven to reach Dad- I would try every night wandering a highway- with other people as well as if we were all lost but we all knew we wanted to go up-

until one night I maybe took a wrong turn? I’m not sure.

But my Grandma and Grandpa (dad’s side) picked me up in a car and told me not to come back, that I wasn’t going to someplace I didn’t want to be, nor should I be. (probably was hell lol) God must of been tired of my ass breaking in to see my parents...

my Nana’s like 91 (my mom’s mom) everyday I get scared impulses about her. Like this virus is horrible- and she’s just so... what i’d give to have her hug me- what I’d give to be able to cry into her shoulder- she was more of a mom to me then my mom was- same with Grandma- Grandma always made sure to show up for my school stuff until her... until she wasn’t able too- and then I was left with no one- yet somehow they always found time for Bro’s stuff-

God what I’d of given to have ATLEAST had Dad go to my graduation- BRO DIDN’T EVEN GO FOR ME- I WENT FOR HIS- I’m still angry about that... He acts like he always wanted to go to my stuff but yeah right- if he couldn’t be there for me at my greatest- and scariest moment he sure af ain’t gonna be there for something small!?

#vent #//vent #self harm #death #Suicide #simon says #can you believe im 24 #hahaha #my stupid autistic selective mute ass #5/6/2020 #2020 #long post #kill me post

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flying-elliska · 6 years ago

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salut ellie! someone once asked you about your writing and you recommended falling in love with language and finding ways of writing you love. i was wondering, what books and/or writing styles are you in love with? it's just so interesting to know what somehow had an impact on the way you're writing bc i honestly adore your style

wow do you remember that ? that is such a flattering question oh my god. well, i’m still working on it. some of my favorites are (i’m very eclectic lmao) :

- His Dark Materials (it’s a fantasy book series ‘for kids’ but it’s actually insanely deep and philosophic) is pretty much the first book series that made me fall in love with stories, and made me want to write. I think I found it when I was 10, and it completely shaped me. It’s so ambitious and clever, it never talks down to the reader, brings up those amazing worlds and philosophical concepts and is still accessible to kids. Most of all it is so committed to atmosphere, to making it vivid, to really make you go through what the characters are. I’m thinking of it and I can remember exactly certain passages in an almost sensory way : the witch Serafina Pekkala describing what it feels like to feel the Aurora Borealis on her bare skin as she is flying through the arctic. The polar bear Iorek giving Lyra frozen moss to help bandage his wounds after a battle. The grilled poppy heads that the Jordan College scholars at Oxford eat during a meeting. The little Gallivespians on their dragonflies and the way the sun reflects off their poisonous spurs. That’s how you make a story stick ; that’s how you can put in deep stuff without ever making it boring. I am so excited they’re making a tv series because that shit deserves some recognition. And I mean the whole plot about the importance of stories, free will, the horror of religious fundamentalism....always relevant. Philip Pullman’s stuff is great in general, I love his Sally Lockhart series, which is more adult and adventure focused, and is a great deal of fun. And of course, the sequel to HDM he’s been putting out recently.

- I spent a lot of my teen years reading either crime novels or historical novels. (When I think of some of the stuff I read when I was 13 I’m like oh my god what were my parents doing lmao some of that was really horrible.) And I think it gave me a good feeling for suspense and setting, and how important tension is. One of my all time faves is Andrea Japp. She is a French writer who does mostly crime, involving complex/monstrous woman characters and a very sensory, poetic approach to language, often involving food, plants and poisons. My favorite by her is the “Season of the Beast”/Agnès de Souarcy chronicles, which is a crime series set in medieval times, with a cool independent lady at its core, crimes in a monastery, and this very gloomy end of times vibe that I love. I also read a lot of Scandi Noir stuff, I love the kind of ...laconic approach to life. And again : vibe. Vibe is so important. And Sherlock Holmes stories. I love the Mary Russell series that take place in that universe and are basically a big Mary Sue self insert guilty pleasure but are just. So much fun.

- I like poetry a lot - not stuff that is too wordy, but something short, sharp and vivid. i think reading poetry is essential to feeding your inner ‘metaphor culture’. I love Mary Oliver. Rimbaud, too, that I read at 17 and rocked my world. One of my underrated faves is Hồ Xuân Hương, a Vietnamese poet from the 18th century who was adept at using nature metaphors to hide both erotic stuff, irreverent jokes, and political criticism, and correspond with all the great scholars of her time under a pseudonym. Badass. Recently I bought ‘Soft Science’ by Franny Choi, which is about cyborgs, having a female body, emotions and politics and it’s absolutely brilliant.

- I love reading fairy tales, too. Currently reading (i always read a lot of books at once lol) Angela Carter’s Book of Fairy Tales, basically fairy tales for grown ups, collected from folklore all over the world, with an amazing kind of gruesome humor and wisdom. Norse mythology is also so damn funny. That one bit with Thor dressing up as a bride or Loki’s shenanigans...amazing. And I like fantasy, I find it very soothing to read for some reason, my fave has to be Robin Hobb and her Realm of the Elderlings series. And Terry Pratchett, especially the series with Death or the Witches. Just brilliant. Neil Gaiman too.

- I tend to be very impatient when it comes to literary fiction, I find a lot of it is self-indulgent, dreary. I’m a genre reader through and through, I need to be amazed. I loved ‘the Elegance of the Hedgehog’ by Muriel Barbery though. Some stuff by Amélie Nothomb, Virginie Despentes occasionally (they’re French writers with a very dark, wry approach to life, tho the first is more polished acid and the second very punk rock). And ‘Special Topics in Calamity Physics’ by Marisha Pessl is pretentious as hell but a lot of fun, if you like dark academia. Salman Rushdie has a way with language that is amazing.

- I read a lot of non-fiction. At the moment : the Cabaret of Plants (about the symbolic/socio historical meaning of plants and how they shaped history) by Richard Mabey and ‘Feminist Fight Club’ by Jessica Bennett. One I absolutely love is ‘the Botany of Desire’ by Michael Pollan in which he traces the history of four plant species (apple, potato, cannabis, tulip) and how they impacted us as much as we impacted them. I was obsessed with plants for most of my life as you can see lol (my mother is a herbalist and I wanted to become a botanist for quite a while.). Also philosophy/anthropology in little bits. I love Tim Ingold. Things about witches. Anything by Rebecca Solnit is incredible.

- I’ve been reading a lot of YA recently, because it’s fun and quick and keeps me reading, and has a lot of good female characters. Big fave recently : Jane Unlimited by Kristin Cashore. It’s about a young bisexual woman who’s grieving and comes to this weird house full of doors, each of which leads to a different path in life, and we follow her through each choice she can potentially make, each of one becomes a different genre of story : creepy ghost story, spy story, sci-fi, cute romance, etc. It’s so innovative and it’s a story that is also bisexual culture at its core. Also I absolutely love love love love love (etc forever) the Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater. What she does with language is just so cool, because she stays simple and efficient but uses her metaphors in such a fulgurant, vivid way. Some of her lines are just. bam! genius. #goals. Also Ronan Lynch is probably THE character that helped me the most with my coming out. He’s one of my forever faves. Of course Harry Potter, lmao, I was of the generation that pretty much grew up with him, the last book came out when I was 17. JK Rowling really should just stop rn. But I learned so much from those, about the importance of making your story feel like home, and having a clear emotional journey. And Harry is such a sarcastic little shit, I love him. And I love a Series of Unfortunate Events too, the darkly funny tone of it, the celebration of knowledge and resilience.

- I think in terms of the classics (I had to read in school lmao), I do like Victor Hugo a lot even though some of his stuff just doesn’t fucking stop. I also like Balzac and his Comédie Humaine, he’s very observant, mean and funny when it comes to people (even though it’s depressing.) Colette is my grandma’s fave writer and she is a rockstar, I love her (also hella bi culture). Jane Austen is great, I read Pride and Prejudice in one night straight, I was so hooked. Love Jane Eyre too. I read On the Road by Jack Kerouac while hopped up on opioid pain killers and that’s probably the only way to appreciate it, but it did mark me.

- But to be completely fucking candid, I probably read the most fanfic nowadays still. Esp since I got to college, I need to unwind when I read, and having characters you already know can be so comforting. Now, of course, there’s a lot of fanfic that is just fluff (nothing wrong with that) but I honestly really believe in the literary value of fanfic. Because some of that shit simply just really slaps and is well written. But also as a genre on its own : you just simply don’t get so much emotional nuance, and depth in most other things. Because these are characters we already know and the writers are not afraid to be self-indulgent and plot is secondary, we see shades of things that we never see anywhere else, we see relationships developping in the small things and wow that shit is breathtaking, bro, sometimes. The art of infinite variation on a theme. Even though a lot of fic writers could use a bit of stricter editing, and do stuff a bit too many unnecessary details in here, so does Victor Hugo soooooooo....

lol i could go on forever. i love book soooo much. uni kinda killed my reading appetite, I used to read several books a week when I was in middle school. hope i can get back there (although maybe not as much bc i have a life now lol.) but thinking about everything i have yet to read makes me sooooo happy. I want to get more into sci-fi, English lit classics. Basically I like stuff that’s witty, dark, political, hedonistic, with dry humor, but a warm heart. Stories that celebrate knowledge, curiosity and human weirdness. And that gets to the point. When I get bored by a book, I put it down, because I just don’t have the time. I also hate writers where you can tell that they think they’re better than other people. Misanthropy is boring. Thank you for this question anon I had a blast

#reading #books #book recs #literature #anon asks

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cuddliestbear · 5 years ago

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Okay, so kinda rant-y, scroll if you don't wanna read.

So, when I was 16, I was promised a sweet sixteen b day party at a roller skating rink. My step beast and sperm donor were going to send rsvp stuff via facebook to my friends' parents. Make sense, organization, figuring out who would need a ride who could or couldn't make it.

My b day was on a thursday so unfortunately i did have school. (Im in florida, no feb vacay 😞) but, the guardians in question said i could have the party after school and that they would tell all the parents such. I said cool and went to school on my b day. I was understandably excited.

I mean you only have one sweet sixteen. I had gotten a dress from Bealls that looked really cute for the day. (I was still genderfluid back then, but I wasn't allowed to wear a binder or even identify to anyone other than my real mom and fam and my friends. Otherwise I would totally have worn wicked cute suspenders and a button up, dress pants and a bow tie to be snazzy.) I had been good with my chores and not giving attitude. (For the most part) so, I was ready.

The day goes by, a few people wish me a happy birthday, but not one of my friends mentions seeing me later at my party. So I asked them if their parents told them about it. They looked confused and concerned, because they know how my 'rentals be. They texted/called their parents and none of the parents received rsvps or messages from the people who house me. So, now I am upset, angry and furious with myself for thinking I could rely on those people to be normal fucking parents for once.

You know, the ones that care about the kid? Not the ones who get your hopes up and even that morning swear up and down that they were going through with something and then not doing it. It's one thing if we couldn't afford it. They usually told me when they couldn't afford something. That's one of the only things they did right. Here's the thing. Idc if we were poor. Oh, well, I don't get a skating rink, but I could still have had a smaller party at my house or a local park.

That is not what happened though.

What ended up happening was me going home, and asking them what was going on and saying that none of my friends' parents got their rsvp. Or even heard about the party from their parents. They simply said they decided not to do the party because they weren't sure I deserved it. Pardon? I don't deserve to be with people who actually give a shit about me on my birthday? Really?

Anyways, so I go to my room, all upset and such, because come on. I am a sixteen year old who simply just wants a party, doesn't have to be big or expensive just SOMETHING. (I am 20 now and still not fucking over this bs, luckily I am no longer in their home and haven't been since 2017, sooooo.)

A little while later, my step beast knocks on my door then opens it without waiting for an answer, like usual. Rude bitch. Anyways, she comes in and tells me to put on the nice dress I got and do my hair because we have company over.

A last glimmer of hope that will be shortly crushed ran through me and I got ready, thinking that she invited my friends to my house last minute and a few were able to come.

Nope.

What happened was that I walked out of my room and saw my two male younger cousins sitting at the dinings table with little birthday crowns on their heads. Not party hats, crowns with plastic and fake jewels and "Birthday Boy" molded into the plastic with the color blue. Confused I asked what was happening and she said that my cousins love me so much they wanted to share THEIR birthday with me.

For one, it is february 19th, MY birthday, theirs are later in the month. So, she's wrong. It is not THEIR birthday today, it is MY birthday. And this may sound whiny and everything and sort of selfish, but tbh Idc.

Second, they love me so much? They are fucking terrible gremlins to kick and bite my little sisters and constantly break or damage things of mine with no repercussions. So, no. They do not LOVE me so much, they enjoy seeing me and my sisters miserable, thats what they LOVE so much.

I didn't say all of this, but merely pointed out that their birthdays weren't even for another week or two. Of course, as per usual, I was seen as the instigator. So, I was the one reprimanded for trying to make my cousins feel bad on THEIR special day.

What the ACTUAL fuck?

Seriously, she's going to keep going on this?

So, as I usually did, I sat quietly, stewing in my steadily increasing upset. They hadn't even gotten a cake meant for me or a cupcake or anything. No presents at all. Not that i give a shit about presents but no cake?

They said that it was because the boys wanted to share their cakes with me. Yes, cakes. The fuckers bought a 6 and 7 year old individual large fancy cakes and not the person who was actually born on this day. Let that sink in, okay got it?

What the fuck?!?!

I aam so furious and betrayed and upset at this point that I am trying tooth and nail not to cry.

Then, my angel comes to save me.

Great Tante/Aunt. (Tante is french for Aunt, this fam was REALLY into the whole calling grandparents and aunts the equivalents in french even though they knew no other words in french than those) she walked in with a pretty ice cream cake with pink roses and creamy white frosting with my name written in beautiful caligraphy icing in the center. It was beautiful.

Immediately, my step beast and step aunt started a fight with Great Tante. Evidently, Aunt T had texted Great Tante and told her about what my horrible family members were trying to do and came to the rescue with a present and cake.

Basically it went something like this.

The aunt who bore the two heathens starts off on my savior.

"How dare you disrespect this household by insinuating these things!?" Because Great Tante had pointed out that they've always been unecessarily cruel to me and the least they could do was throw me a halfway decent birthday party.

"Watch your tone, young lady." was all my saint of a great aunt-by-marriage said to this cow of a woman. The aunt gasped and turned red in the face.

Then my step beats stepped in again.

"That's because she's a spoiled brat who was so used to getting away with everything with her mom. That's why she has to share her birthday and a cake with the boys." She insisted, trying to prevent Great Tante from giving me the present and placing my cake in front of me. Then, my lil sister, we'll call her E, bless her heart walks into the room with the wonky looking stuffed bear I made for her and asks why everyone is yelling so much.

She runs right up to me and hugs me. Even if she's seen me all day, if she ends up in a separate room from me, she'll eventually find me to hug me again. I love her and miss her so much, I haven't seen her in over three years.

"Why is everyone being mean to my Jazz?" She told everyone sternly, stamping her little four year old feet and putting her hands on her hips. Now, because her baby, her precious darling has seen her show her ugly side, the Step Beast backs away and allows Great Tante to place the cake and give me the present.

So, I got to have my cake and eat it, too. Lol sorry bad joke.

Anyways, moral of the story is if you are a parent and you do THIS SHIT to your kid, you shouldn't fucking reproduce. I have years of mental abuse to account for several things like ptsd, anxiety and depression.

This is a relatively minor story compared to the multitudes of bs that they have done to me or to my mom over the nearly seven years I lived with them.

I may post more of the major stuff at some other point, but venting like this helps. Even if its been years since the incident. I know I am right to be angry and hate the way I was treated, but sometimes you have to hear youself say it or have others validate it.

#mental abuse #fucked up birthday #birthday #worst birthday ever #step parents suck

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makeste · 6 years ago

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BnHA Chapter 118: The One Who Caused All Might’s End

Previously on BnHA: KACCHAN AND DEKU!!!!!!! ALONE! AT NIGHT!! KACCHAN WAS ALL “I KNOW ALL MIGHT GAVE YOU HIS QUIRK�� AND DEKU WAS ALL “YEAH, WELL!... SO WHAT!” AND KACCHAN WAS ALL “WELL DUH THAT MEANS I WANT TO FIGHT YOU BECAUSE ALL MIGHT’S REALLY GREAT, SO IF HE GAVE YOU HIS POWER THEN YOU MUST BE REALLY GREAT TOO AND MAYBE I WAS WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME, SO LET’S FIGHT” AND I ALL BUT FELL OUT OF MY CHAIR. AND THEN KACCHAN DOVE AT HIM AND JUST PLOPPED HIM WITH A BIG OL’ RIGHT HOOK SAME AS ALWAYS AND DEKU TOTALLY FELL FOR IT AND KACCHAN WAS LIKE “LOL” AND THEN HE WAS LIKE “BRING IT” AND ALL OF A SUDDEN ALL MIGHT’S FACE WAS THERE AND WOW!!! BNHA, GUYS!!! IT’S A GOOD MANGA I LIKE IT A LOT!!!!!

(ETA: just a reminder that I write the “previously on” things immediately after I first read the chapter while it’s still fresh in my mind. I'd say this particular one captured my emotional state at the time pretty well.)

Today on BnHA: Aizawa’s ponytail makes its debut and it’s everything I could have ever hoped for. Also he gets a call from U.A.’s robot security about his two problem children having a fight on Ground Beta after curfew. But before he can head out to stop them, ~A MYSTERIOUS SHADOW~ greets him outside and who could that be, I wonder. Back at Ground Beta, Deku tries to talk Kacchan down and avoids his attacks while Kacchan grows increasingly desperate. Finally he breaks down completely and fucking screams at Deku to fight him, and reveals that he blames himself for being the reason All Might retired, and that he can’t stop thinking about it, and he doesn’t know what to do. So basically he’s a mess, and there are feels strewn about all over the damn place, and Deku -- who never could turn his back on someone who needs saving -- realizes that he has to fight back, because right now he’s the only person who can help.

(As always, all comments not marked with an ETA are my unspoiled reactions from my first readthrough of this chapter. I’ve read up through chapter 151 now, so any ETAs will reflect that. I’m not gonna make any progress this week; I’m too busy writing Kacchan essays and waiting for the holidays to wind down lol.)

“A Meaningless Fight” not to me it’s not

lol the security camera caught them putzing around after hours. and identified their homeroom teacher and notified him

DALSHFKALSDFKSLHKDL THE PONYTAIL!!!!!!????

THIS MUST BE WHERE THE ANIME WAS AT WHEN I FIRST STARTED READING. NO WONDER TUMBLR WAS AWASH WITH BAKUDEKU FEELS AND AIZAWA PONYTAIL SPAM. THIS IS AMAZING I LOVE LIFE

(ETA: yeah so this episode aired on September 15th, right when I was in the middle of reading the Sports Festival arc and the series was slowly beginning to take over my life. there were indeed a ton of gifs and reaction posts floating around, and I’m pretty sure this was right about when I realized it was time to block the “bnha spoilers” tag until I was fully caught up.)

now Aizawa’s stepping outside, but someone’s out there already. IS IT ALL MIGHT AND HE’S GONNA BE ALL “DON’T WORRY I GOT THIS”?

(ETA: it is indeed, and this means that All Might already knew the boys were fighting even before Aizawa did, even though Aizawa was the one who got the security alert. I’m only half-joking about him having some kind of tracking device implanted on Deku. it’s either that, or just some crazy good dad instincts. either way, one can’t help but be impressed.)

whoever it is, Aizawa seems surprised to see them

boy and I thought the last chapter was good. but barely two pages into this one and we’ve not only got Aizawa’s sexy ponytail, but also

(ETA: the smoke really adds to the effect here. does so throughout the whole chapter, in fact. Kacchan has such a cinematic quirk)

I stan one (1) amazing and incredible manga series

Deku’s asking again do they really have to fight. he clearly would rather talk it out instead. because like, apparently that’s suddenly an option that’s on the table after all this time?? KACCHAN IS CAPABLE OF TALKING ABOUT HIS FEELINGS, WHO EVEN KNEW?

Kacchan’s impatiently doing that explodey hand thing, but Deku’s gonna try and talk this one out anyway

but Kacchan’s attacking again

aahhhhhhhh META PART TWO!!!

somehow they look even younger in these flashbacks?? like this Deku cannot fucking be older than two. how do they even remember all this??

he’s screaming at Deku to fight him back and not just run away

more flashbackssssss

(ETA: oh hello is it time for more essaying. let’s say yes.

Kacchan’s feelings about Deku are so complicated. much more so than Deku’s own comparatively simple if contradicting feelings. clearly they got along well enough when they were little. but then Kacchan fell off that log and Deku tried to help him and Kacchan was like “WHAT! EVEN THOUGH I WAS CLEARLY FINE! HOW DARE” and that was that.

so we know from the chapter coming up after this one that Katsuki somehow got it in his head that Izuku was looking down on him. mostly this seems to stem from a genuine misunderstanding of Deku’s desire to help. Katsuki has always been very independent and likes to do things for himself. this is part of what he associates with being “strong”, and it’s clearly something he was already being admired and praised for even at a young age, so that no doubt further reinforced things in his mind. now add to this the fact that most four-year-olds are still learning and developing when it comes to empathy. so it genuinely might not have crossed Katsuki’s mind that not everyone feels the same way as he does when it comes to wanting and accepting help. put this all together, and we end up with Kacchan misinterpreting Izuku’s well-meaning gesture, and feeling insulted and patronized, and the two of them have their falling out.

and yet Izuku keeps following him.

even after Kacchan starts insulting him and beating him up. he’s still there, always, following him around like a shadow. and so Katsuki gets even meaner. at some point Izuku has to get the message, right?? but apparently not.

and so it keeps escalating. Katsuki gets worse and worse. but even though Izuku is now afraid of him, he still can’t help being drawn to him. meanwhile Katsuki can’t fucking understand why Deku won’t fucking quit no matter how horrible Katsuki is to him. so he once again takes it as Izuku being condescending. this is Izuku’s way of challenging him. showing that it doesn’t matter what Katsuki does, because Izuku will still always be better than him.

but here’s the thing. that idea of Izuku thinking he’s better than Katsuki -- that couldn’t have just come out of nowhere like that. if he really did believe Izuku was just a quirkless good-for-nothing weakling, it wouldn’t have bothered him that much. that kind of anger doesn’t just come out of left field, and it certainly couldn’t have sustained itself for that long unless there was something deeper fueling it. that something being fear. in other words, Katsuki hated Izuku because deep down he was afraid that somehow Izuku really would surpass him. because he knew from the start that there was something about him, something he didn’t understand, which made it all the more frightening. that something being Izuku’s heart; his spirit; his will to protect others. his Main Character Energy, which radiates out from him at strange times, and takes over in those instances where “my body just moved before I could think.” it’s what made All Might choose him as his successor. we’ve all seen it. y’all know what I’m talking about.

and even though Katsuki doesn’t understand it, some part of him can still feel it all the same. but where Izuku is drawn to Katsuki’s own strength, Katsuki is intimidated by Izuku’s. very likely in part because of his zero-sum mentality. if he acknowledges Izuku’s strength, it’s the same as acknowledging his own weakness. Izuku has something he lacks, and he knows it, and he’s somehow smug about it. he thinks he’s better than him! but fuck that, because Katsuki’s the one who’s going to be number one! right?? but there’s that nagging fear that maybe, just maybe, that isn’t true. and so he gets worse and worse, and tries to get Izuku to stop trailing behind him, tries to shake him off. but it doesn’t work. and so the cycle continues on and on.

and then UA. and all of a sudden, Izuku has a quirk. and is suddenly growing at a prodigious rate. and Katsuki’s growing too, but not as fast. and this is it. this is everything he was afraid of. and every time he hits a setback, and every time Izuku has another victory, those doubts start to gnaw at him more and more. until finally, Kamino.

but we’ll get to that in a minute. to be continued.)

he’s remembering the consoling speeches All Might gave him in chapters 11 and 62. why yes I have Kacchan’s angst chapters memorized. what, doesn’t everyone

omg

-- HE’S COMING AT DEKU WITH A KICK

HE’S NEVER FUCKING DONE THAT BEFORE. HE DOESN’T FIGHT WITH KICKS CUZ HIS FEET DON’T FUCKING EXPLODE DUH. BUT HE’S KICKING DEKU THOUGH, AND WHY?? COULD IT BE BECAUSE DEKU FIGHTS WITH KICKS NOW. OR MAYBE HE JUST FUCKING FELT LIKE KICKING HIM I DUNNO!

LOOK AT THIS!!!

WHAT A CLEAN AND COHERENT FUCKING ACTION PAGE AND I LOVE IT!! DEKU PULLING SOME CAPOEIRA SHIT

NOW KACCHAN’S STUMBLING BACK, AND HE’S STILL THINKING “WHY”

and he’s just lying there now and isn’t getting back up

give me angst. should I go make some popcorn. I want angst now. give it

DEKU IS EXTENDING HIS ARM AGAIN

lol remember back when he was being calm about this. or pretending to be calm

he’s fucking SCREAMING at Deku to fight him. “WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM?!”

and he keeps asking “why”

oh my god it’s what I thought. it’s exactly what I thought isn’t it. isn’t it. it is. isn’t it

(ETA: I’ve written so many essays about these two that I kind of lost track, but I think this is referring to the one I wrote as an ETA for chapter 42 here, about why Katsuki couldn’t stand it when Deku offered him help when they were four. but little did I know that Kacchan was actually about to shift to another subject entirely!)

tissues should I get some tissues. I’ll go get

oh shit you guys. lol. :’D

hahaha. okay wow

just. give me a moment to process

like. so this whole time, he looked down on Deku, but actually Deku is doing everything right, and now he’s the one who keeps fucking up. and now apparently he blames himself!? for what happened to All Might??! so on top of his weird complex with Deku, now there’s guilt there also, and for something that was absolutely not his fault. oh shit

oh my god. angst baby. angst for days angst for weeks lifetime supply yessss

tell me more about your guilt Kacchan. let it out honey

(ETA: shout out here to Okamoto Nobuhiko, Bakugou’s Japanese VA. I assume everyone reading this has watched this episode in the anime, but if not, do yourself a favor and go check that out, because all of the emotions from the manga are cranked up to 11 and it’s amazing. and Bakugou’s VA in particular does an incredible job of capturing the turbulence in his emotions. his voice wavers and cracks and vacillates between angry and confused and frustrated, and he sounds every inch like a 16-year-old boy who’s just overwhelmed and fighting back tears and trying to keep himself together. he just totally sells it, and it’s easily one of the best vocal performances I’ve ever heard in an anime.)

holy. just, this is even more than I ever dared to hope speculate, honestly. as horrible as Deku felt about it, Kacchan was completely fucked up by it too. not only is he dealing with the reality of a world without All Might just like everyone else is, he’s also been struggling the entire time with the weight of the thought that it was him. his fault

(ETA: hello I’m back.

so! Kamino. Kacchan gets kidnapped. somehow he’s singled out from among all the possible targets the villains could have had, and they think they can turn him to their side. and even the media is talking about how ~unstable~ he is and maybe he really will do it. he doesn’t, of course. and he talks big and he keeps his cool and he does his best to fight back. but it’s tense. and maybe a lot scarier and more dangerous than he cares to acknowledge at any point.

but then All Might shows up. All Might, his childhood hero, the man he looks up to more than anyone. All Might saves him. and things do get pretty dicey for a bit. for a few seconds he actually ends up back in the villains’ clutches, or very nearly at any rate. but then All Might is there again, and then somehow Deku and Kirishima and the others show up too, and they help him escape he goes along with their escape plan even though he totally had it under control, so that he doesn’t get in All Might’s way. and that’s it. he’s safe again. all is well.

except that it very much is not. because all of a sudden All Might is struggling. and then suddenly he’s different. all of a sudden he’s transformed into this scraggly-looking skeletal figure right before their eyes. and just like that, everything changes.

and in the end All Might still wins, in spite of everything, because it’s All Might. but something is still terribly wrong. and then all of a sudden All Might is pointing at Deku, and “you’re next,” and the pieces finally click into place. Deku has All Might’s power. All Might gave Deku his quirk. All Might himself recognized Deku as someone worthy enough, strong enough, to receive that power. here Katsuki is, getting recruited by fucking villains, and meanwhile Deku is being acknowledged by the hero they both admire.

there are some very obvious implications here. clearly one of them is doing something right. and the other one is very plainly not. it’s possible, even, that this is something Katsuki has suspected in the back of his mind for a while now, even before all of this. something he was in denial about, but was secretly becoming more and more certain of.

and then All Might retires.

that fight against All for One -- the fight that only happened because All Might had to rescue him -- ends up being his last stand. all of a sudden he’s out of commission, his power spent. all of a sudden the unthinkable has happened. all of a sudden there is no more Symbol of Peace.

and all of that. is. Katsuki’s. fault.

“if I’d only been stronger...” “if I hadn’t gotten captured...”

so he starts having thoughts like this. but then the thing is that he can’t tell anyone. because no one else is supposed to know about All Might giving his power to Izuku. so they wouldn’t know that All Might was already weakened going into that battle with All for One. that he was weakened, but went into battle anyway in order to rescue him. and in doing so ended up using up the last of his power. because of him. he fucked everything up.

and imagine if they did know. what would they even think? the world is in chaos now and it’s all his fault. villains are running amok, society is in upheaval, and everyone is feeling the stress. All Might’s walking around all bandaged up with his fucking arm in a cast because you know, it’s nice to have that visual reminder too of just how close he came to actually losing and fucking dying instead of just retiring. and he still won’t acknowledge the connection he has to Deku, though. so clearly he’s still trying to keep it a secret, and so Katsuki shouldn’t bother him about it. so he tries to just move on, because what else can he do.

but he can’t stop thinking about it. the thoughts keep surfacing no matter what he does. he can’t relax, he can’t escape them. and the thing is that he’s very obviously distressed by all this, because here he is now fucking breaking down in front of Deku of all people. showing weakness; fucking crying in front of Deku, because that’s how bad it is. bad enough that he wasn’t able to keep holding it in. bad enough that he had to confess it to him, because he was the only one he could talk to about this, because Deku is the only other one who knows. and you can see the pain in his expression and in his body language, and hear it in his voice -- and once again, props to Okamoto for that, because damn -- enough so that I don’t really need to keep breaking it down. it speaks for itself. when your guilt is hurting you so badly that you start spilling your guts even though you cherish your pride above everything else, and even though you fucking despise the person you’re spilling your guts to, that means it’s bad, guys. it’s really fucking bad.

tl;dr Kacchan is not okay. hell, that could have been the title of the fucking chapter. or this whole fucking mini-arc. my boy needs hugs. but in the absence of hugs, sincere rival beatdowns and heart-to-hearts will also suffice.)

Deku is making the same face he made when he learned about Todoroki’s past

and now, after having a moment to process it, he’s responding in the same way that he did with Todoroki

oh shit dude

like, I know Kacchan likes when people take fights seriously but damn. why did I fucking laugh

yessss heal his wounded heart Deku. by fighting him. help him feel like he’s not just a useless bum who’s somehow been going backwards and making things worse

EMBRACING THOSE FEELINGS HEAD ONNNNNNNNNN YESSSSS

I can’t believe it’s the end of the fucking chapter again! and that I get to click to the next chapter right away! binge reading is the best you guys omg

there isn’t a bonus because this was the end of the volume! too bad, we’ll just have to make do with this being the greatest chapter of all time. poor us

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha 118 #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #aizawa shouta #bakudeku #bnha meta #essay #makeste reads bnha #incidentally this is the last chapter for which I was able to find viz scans online #after this it's fan translations only #I can't say I'm going to miss viz's translations too much #although there are still times when they're the most accurate of the bunch #but what I will miss though are the nice clean scans and occasionally remastered artwork #ah well #what can you do

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qrbits · 7 years ago

Photo

Finished the project I’ve been working on for the past month! It’s kind of a hybrid of a visdev portfolio and a self indulgent story guide. Due to tumblr’s photo limit, I only shared about half of the pages here, but if you’re interested in reading the whole thing, you can find it here.

I have a lot to reflect upon, but the text is very long (and basically a creative biography ;;;), so I’ll put it under the cut.

(I’m taking advantage of the fact that tumblr is supposed to be a blogging platform and actually writing a blog for once LOL)

As I said in the introduction page, Red Scherzo is a story I’ve been musing over for several years, and it’s not possible to truly understand the project without understanding its history. As most other creatives will relate, writing is Hard. Creating worlds is Hard. And even more so, creating people is Hard.

The inkling for this story began in 2014 after I decided that I wanted to write something good. Something cool, something grand. And like most clueless 15 year olds with too much time on their hands, I began to daydream. I reasoned that the best way to make something really cool would be to list out everything that I ever wanted to see in film, in text, in anime, and to somehow mash it into one story. Here are some of the things I demanded from it: nonlinear storytelling, genius foreshadowing, heavy symbolism, characters who are the perfect balance of tragic and relatable, a powerful message, and the list goes on and on. I collected images of beautiful places and beautiful people that I wanted to write stories about and decided that I would incorporate them somehow.

As you can see, these are all very vague, ambiguous elements of storytelling. And so, with only the notion of wanting to make greatness, I began to write. I wrote and plotted and drew iteration after iteration, and I was never satisfied, because how could I be? There was no way that I could have satisfied the guidelines I set for myself.

A few years in, about 200,000 words of plotting and 2 or 3 Nanowrimo’s later, I’d decided to make the story (it was not called Red Scherzo back then) a webcomic. I was starry-eyed and determined. This would be the project I worked on for the foreseeable rest of my life. I’d calculated that if I posted an update a week, it would take until my mid 30′s to complete.

Saying that now feels so incomprehensible and hilarious. Very little planning went into how the story was going to look, and I had little to no experience storyboarding, panelling, scripting, and so much more. I jumped straight in with a script that was maybe 1/1000 complete, and let my whims drive the visual direction. I got 4 decently sized updates in until I realized I couldn’t keep doing this.

After one last Nanowrimo I did for this story in my first year of college, I decided that I needed to trash the whole thing. Just forget the entire past four years happened, and release myself. It had become a burden, trying to perfect the story, trying to make it something bigger than what I currently had the capacity for. And so I did. I closed all the Google Drive tabs, closed all the Photoshop files, and just stopped thinking about it.

It was a very strange 6 months. I hadn’t known what it was like to not have story in my head for many many years. To not have some scene playing out in my head as I went to sleep, to not see something quirky happen and think about how my characters would react, to not see a beautiful setting and want to inject my story into it. Because my head was clear now, empty and free of any sort of expectations. Of course, in this time, I tried to carefully and slowly plan other stories, and to find some sort of spark that would bring me back into the story realm. I won’t say those were all failures, but just that they need some time to brew, just like Red Scherzo did.

In those 6 empty months, I paid more attention to living. I paid attention to people, ideas, and truths that were important to me. I was struggling with academics for the first time in my life, and learning what it meant to make sacrifices and live in a fulfilling and exciting way. I reread my old old stories that I believed held some capacity of beauty and authenticity and began to illustrate them. I decided what kind of art I wanted to make and what kind of things I wanted to say with it.

And then I returned to Red Scherzo. My mistakes were glaringly obvious now. This story was written during high school, during a time where I was not challenged, not exploring, and not genuine. I used the excuse of plotting to have something to be working on, always, and to be able to show off how much work I was putting into an arbitrary project. It was written during a time when I was feeling bored and suffocated, and used the story as a lifeline to entertain myself. I had goals and things I wanted to say with my writing, but it was all artificial, because I didn’t know it felt like to live like I wanted to.

You’ve probably grasped by now that the morale of what I’ve just written is that you need to live in order to create. (And that this blog has gotten horribly off topic). You can’t know what kinds of characters you want to write if you don’t go out there and meet characters. You can’t know what kinds of worlds you want to build if you’ve never experienced yours.

Okay, so trying to loop all this back around to the actual portfolio.

Well, obviously, I’ve never been a schizophrenic rich boy living in the 1950′s who writes symphonies and chases murderers. But I think that now, I’m able to understand and respect the people that guide my stories a bit better. I’m less impatient and less worried about making something perfect, which this portfolio is definitely not.

I have a good number of gripes over how this project ended up, but I’m not going to try to add to it or fix it because I want to keep it as a marker in time. This right here is the current maximum of my creative efforts. There are many things in it that I’d never drawn, much less designed before in my life. Cars, knives, buildings, interiors. I discovered that I enjoyed drawing many of these things. I also did the entire thing in a style that I’d hardly used before, just to challenge myself. (I took a lot of inspiration from the way kenesu’s was formatted, and the style that Renareve and Sophie Li’s was done in).

By the time I hit the midway point, I already knew that I was capable of far more than the project was offering me, but I stuck it through because I needed to finish something solid.

I’m excited to let this project go into the wild and begin to plan what my next one will be like. There are so many styles and genres I want to try. I feel like I’ve only just discovered the tip of the iceberg of my creative potential.

If you made it, thank you for reading until the end. I hope at least some of this blog made sense or resonated with you!

#visdev #visual development #original character #character design #yeah i wrote a lot #I don't mind if no one reads it #I just needed to record it for myself lol #reblogs are still appreciated tho LOL #this is all oversharing but I do think someone out there might be able to gain something from it #this might as well be a biography ;;;

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reasonablywittyatbest · 6 years ago

Text

You know what Imma bitch about that adviser just a little bit more. This is a loooong rant so.

So, as you all may know I have an undergrad degree in molecular and cellular biology, and then I was out of school for like five years, then I got into the anthropology program and then decided on the first day of classes to switch track to the archaeology program.

And you know what despite everything I’ve maintained a 4.0 GPA, just saying.

Ok, so like everyone knew this. Anyways I wanted to do a thesis focused on zooarchaeology so I was working with the person on staff who specialized in that. She also happens to be one of the people running the project I wanted to work with. So we talk a little before Christmas break I think its all fine.

After Christmas break? Jesus Christ. She was like “I’m not just going to hand you a thesis topic’’ and ‘you needed to shove four years worth of learning into break why didn’t you” She wouldn’t even tell me things that the project was looking into having done? She was like you need to go through all the reports and figure something out (which is beyond cruel the reports are huge and to figure out what kind of zooarch remains were available I would have basically had to skim all of them).

And then, like, I had decided I wanted to go to Belize and work with this project. And she just kept pushing me away from it, she wanted me to do a southwest project. She freaked me out about finances, said that any archaeologist would kill to work om the material she had from *redacted* and just.

So it gets to the point you know, crying in bars, crying after every meeting with her. I’m independently suicidal and depressed and crying myself to sleep like, every night. And totally overwhelmed by the workload of that semester.

So I go to the graduate coordinator, who was an awesome person, and I tell her I’m having difficulty.Her advice? ‘Ok just tell her you’re going to work with *redacted*, like don’t let her get going.” (So people know what shes like) and she convinced me to do a more general thesis (which has worked out splendidly).

So I yeah,I try to do that. Somehow i end up getting the worst reaming yet, that ended with her telling me no one would let me do my own dig and what I wanted was impossible I should let my dreams die (very close to her exact words from what I can remember lol). So I end up making my way across campus (crying hysterically). End up crying in this random little hallways b/c i cant bring myself to go talk to anyone when I’m in this state.

But I guess fate had other plans cause one of ,my professors found me. Takes me to her office and when I finally calm down enough I can form coherent sentences I tell her all the shit my adviser has been telling me. And she was so righteously angry on my behalf? TTold me she was full of shit? Then left me in her office talked to the guy who is now my adviser, talks to the grad coordinator. Well apparently the coordinator had already been talking to my now adviser. The three of them literally just worked it out so I wouldn’t have to talk to the horrible adviser at all.

My new adviser gave me a project. He let me run my own dig (sure after a few weeks of field school but like, duh, needed that). I did.... I did pretty fucking well. All things considered, sure I needed help here and there but fuck shit for never having done it before I’m impressed with me. Now I have a thesis to turn in, work under my belt that will look very good when I apply to phd programs, and still have that 4.0 ya’ll. And that’s despite only getting medicated for ADHD again last semester. Despite having no background in this subject. Despite fighting against my own brain’s conviction that I should kill myself.

And I guess, now I’m pretty well trained to think I’m fairly useless. But. Well, I think its pretty fucking impressive what I have managed so far. Anyways this has been my rant about practically nothing at all except that I’m very lucky and stupidly stubborn. (And a horrible type A personality, really its gross. I was sad about getting a 92 once b/c it was such a low A. We don’t have a +\- system. Calm down self).

#fuckyesme

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captainderyn · 7 years ago

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Tacka: An Intro (finally)

EDIT: THIS IS OUTDATED. EXPECT AN EDITED ONE AT SOME POINT. So awhile ago @therron-shan made a super awesome google sheet of character questions that I’ve wanted to do forever and I’ve finally done them! For Tacka boy, because I’ve never formally introduced him.

Under a cut after the first bit because I went a little crazy.

Tacka (An Introduction)

Preliminary Info:

Name: Tacka Sutae

Nicknames: --

Alias(es): ---

Age: 19/20 depending

Born: Whatever 3 years before 0ATC, is that 3BTC?

Gender: Male

Species: Mirialan

Affiliations:

Republic, Jedi Order, Corellian Resistance

Occupation:

He was a Jedi padawan, now he’s basically a rogue peacekeeper. Using his force sensitivity to help who he can, how he can.

Physical:

General Description:

Tacka is first and foremost intense. It doesn’t always show, but if you catch him in the right moment he watches everything around with with a burning intensity that’s near impossible to escape. Catch him when he’s angry--especially if it’s when someone or himself is threatened he’s almost feral. He’ll bare his teeth, his eyes will burn into you. But otherwise, he seems lonely, and young. Like he’s seen too much. Physically he’s unassuming, a tall kid, built like a runner. You wouldn’t think much of him unless you really paused to look.

Height: 5’ 9”

Weight: Somewhere around 168lbs? Not really sure. He was pretty scrawny in his young padawan days but now he’s built up some muscle and is a bit bigger than he was.

Hair: Dark brown hair kept in an undercut, kept long/floofy on the top.

Eyes: You can sit for hours and try to figure out if they’re gold or amber but you won’t be able to. They’re intense, and very expressive. You can read him like an open book in a single glance if he’s not careful.

Skin/Fur: He’s green. Hella green. No, he’s got olive-y/dark green skin that for the most part is pretty even (or as even as a teenager/young adults skin can be let’s be honest here)

Scars/Birthmarks/Etc.: He has a few little scars across his arms, knees, shoulders, ect from training incidents but no big ones. Hopefully it stays that way.

Tattoos/Markings: He has his miralan tattoos. On his face it’s a thick line across his nose horizontally with four alternating up facing/down facing triangles over the line, four pieces/squares making a diamond on his forehead, and a line from his lower lip to his chin with two lines extending diagonally from it on either side of his chin.

Cybernetics: ---

Handedness:

Tacka is right handed, though he’s not horribly inept at using his left hand for tasks as well.

Style:

He always kind of mimics his Jedi garb subconsciously tbh. His favored outfit of sorts is a black long sleeved shirt, a grey, thick fabric...wrap poncho thing. I don’t know guys it’s weird, it’s like a shirt that wraps but it doesn’t have sleeves and black pants, black boots. He kind of dresses like a hobo sith, damnit Tacka no wonder the Jedi didn’t take you back.

Other:

He walks like he’s trying not to draw attention to himself. Head down, hands in pockets. But he’s always listening, always watching in the force because he’s suspicious. Long strides, he gets where he needs to go, doesn’t linger, doesn’t pause, he might as well be a shadow.

Mental/Emotional:

Background/Backstory:

Tacka was taken from the Jedi as a very young child. Not by his parents consent, but because the Jedi needed Force sensitives and his family unfortunately had old ties to the Order from his father. They were on Alderaan at the time and the Jedi showed up, took him “peacefully” and he hasn’t seen his parents since. He was raised in the Jedi Temple on Tython and completed a majority of his training there. He spent a few weeks/months in the temple on Coruscant as an adolescent for a new environment experience but otherwise he’s lived and breathed the Jedi for his entire young life. At the age of 15 his master Dakhoel Faolan went rogue and went to Corellia to aid those oppressed by the Empire there. He followed, as he was beginning to chafe under the Order’s control over his life and the fact that they wouldn’t let him get in contact with his parents. After the war for Corellia, when his master was presumed killed and he was only 17, he drifted for a time. He spent a lot of time on Nar Shaddaa, where he was miserable, before finding his way to Rishi and finding his father figure Hugo and Hugo’s then girlfriend/something more (?) Nyrah’s neutral bar the Swamp. He spent a bit of time there before continuing on. He attempted to go back to the Order and was turned away due to being “tainted” by the dark side and being too grey in the Force to be able to trust him.

Personality:

Tacka is...hard to read. You can tell that he’s been through a lot at a young age but he hides a lot of his internal struggles and fears with a happy-go-lucky attitude and humor. He’s a kind soul, he wants to help but sometimes he does more harm than good. Tacka is the kind of person that is so loyal that he will let the world burn just to save on person and that is, problematic, when it comes to the Jedi. In his loyalty he will sometimes become a little blind to people’s flaws, case in point with his Master Dakhoel, he trusted her so much and was so attached to her that he couldn’t see that her fleeing the Jedi was for selfish purposes and based in paranoia. While for the most part he is happy-go-lucky it is very much a cover and deep down he is wired much of the time and always on high alert, is usually stressed and has a habit of overthinking things to the point of ramping himself up so much he can’t do the thing. When he’s angry...no, threatened, it’s like that cover fails completely and he’s very intense, quite powerful, and more than a little scary, like you’ve cornered a feral wolf.

Quirks:

At some point he acquires a leather type bracelet that has a significance that only he knows and when he’s nervous he will push the strap in and out of its keeper and shift it around his wrist.

Disorders:

----

Addictions:

----

Strengths: He’s quite powerful in the Force. Not “Wren” powerful, but more so than the other padawans he was training with. He’s quite good at not leaping into fights and at thinking things through. Is his sense of humor a strength? He’s always been praised for being good with people, even if he’s a bit on the more reserved side now, he was always kind of “that friendly dude” that you could go talk to no matter what.

Weaknesses: His wholehearted trust in people that he is loyal to is an unfortunate weakness. He’s caught in the grey area of unpredictability where he’s either 100% ready to fight right here right now and actually willing to think things through which has got him in a lot of trouble. Not really weakness but he’s kind of the “you fucked up a perfectly good (Jedi) is what you did, look at it, it’s got anxiety” thing.

Phobias/Fears: Failure, getting attached to someone, and following that--losing someone he’s close to, being seen as a disappointment, the assumptions that people make about him without him knowing has kept him up at night.

Hobbies: He hasn’t been able to do it for awhile but he likes games. Physical games like cards, holo games, just...games. Especially story games that he can get lost in. He likes doing that, telling stories. He’s no writer, but he likes building those sorts of worlds and scenarios and telling these elaborate fictitious tales. He’s also interested in and quite enjoys learning new forms of lightsaber techniques and such and just the physical training like that. It’s relaxing.

Interests: I kind of covered this above, oops.

Favorite movies: Space fantasy! Think Lord of the Rings but in space! Or Space!Marvel

Favorite music: Space alt rock, think The Score, AJR, things like that.

Favorite books: Space fantasy and the like.

Favorite TV shows: Something with substance, preferably not related to real life and not filled to the brim with needless drama.

Skills/Talents: I think I mentioned his people skills? He’s become pretty good at various lightsaber fighting styles. I’ve covered this a bit all throughout.

Habits: Stressing more than he should, pacing when he’s nervous/amped up, dragging his hands through his hair if he reaches Maximum Stress.

Morality/Ethics:

He’s really somewhere in between lawful good and neutral good on the alignment chart. He wants to do good and help others but sometimes can’t always act selflessly and will disregard the laws if he thinks he can do good by going against them.

Goals:

He wants to find a new purpose in life, find a new home and someone that he can trust. He wants to move on from the Jedi and the conflict that haunts him from their rejection. He needs to reevaluate before deciding his new long term goals.

Motivations:

For the longest time it was his sense of loyalty and duty that motivated him. Now it’s his own personal drive that motivates him to try and find who he is without his Jedi now.

Other: According to the test he is an ENFP-T personality type. Which yeah, that actually makes a lot of

Relationships:

Sexual/Romantic Orientation: I can’t figure it out for him. He kind of likes everyone without really seeking anyone/feeling that drive around anyone.

Relationship History: So the Jedi have really stifled any sort of attachment or romantic activity in their younglings...but that isn’t going to keep a bunch of hormonal teenagers from doing whatever the hell they want. He’s kissed and/or made out with both guys and girls, but he’s never really been in a committed relationship. Thanks Jedi. He and another padawan were kind of running a friends with benefits dynamic, except not quite that. It’s complicated, there was a lot of “fuck the system” kissing in back hallways or closets. I never said he was a good model Jedi.

Reputation: He has to know people to have a reputation. He’s got none. Except for maybe being one of the “hot guys” of the padawans lol.

Family:

Rheya Sutae: Rheya is Tacka’s mother, who he barely remembers. She is a force sensitive mirialan who never had any formal training with a force sensitive faction. She is a smuggler by trade (the hardcore kind, not goody two shoes like Emeldir or neutral like Rielay). She had Tacka young, after what was supposed to be a not-so-serious fling with a Jedi who was deployed for diplomatic purposes on Alderaan where she was working under the table information and supply deals with the nobles, and she and said Jedi ended up decided to try and give this unexpected baby a somewhat stable life by settling together. Clearly that didn’t work.

Jaida Sutae: Tacka’s biological father, a Jedi Knight who was especially good at solving things by diplomacy and not so good at the fighting-to-kill solution, hence his placement on Alderaan to try and talk the Republic out of conflicts. Tacka wasn’t able to learn much on his father other than mentions of him by other masters and knights in the Temple. According to them his father was a lively and charming individual that could win people over with a single smile and was never really cut out to be a Jedi.

Hugo: A father figure to Tacka who he met on Corellia. An ex-Imperial slave from the Quesh venom mines that was acting as a field medic on Corellia and unfortunately was burdened with leadership of the resistance. Hugo and Tacka cared for each other deeply and it pained Tacka to leave the one father figure he had at the end of the war, but he had to go try and find his way in life. Hugo still to this day will greet him with open arms and nothing but happiness when he pops in to the Swamp.

Friends:

Well, there’s Phaedra. She’s my (not yet introduced) togruta Jedi who was a padawan at the same time he was, is a year older than he was, and they were best friends. They caused all manner of trouble together. Probably made a few Jedi masters retire with their antics tbh.

I’d like to say that I can consider Tacka and @skullinacowboyhat’s Sunny friends? She saved his butt on Nar and they’ve been stuck with each other since, had each other’s backs. He trusts Sunny, likes her and doesn’t feel like he has to be on constant alert. I’d consider her his first “friend” like that since before Corellia.

Dakhoel was someone he considered a friend. She was his master since he was ten years old and was nothing but kind to him. An Imperial raised miraluka, fled to the Jedi after getting off of Korriban. She was killed on Corellia. Tacka loved her dearly as well, as a friend, as a mentor.

Enemies:

Darth Xin: Aka, Wren Thornley. She was the one on Corellia who killed Dakhoel (and most of Coraaliya’s Havoc Squad) and very nearly killed Tacka. They’re enemies on the grounds that Tacka wants revenge for the death of his master. If they ever met it would be interesting at the very least, in a one on one fight Tacka would probably be killed, but Xin would try her hardest to try and twist him into joining the sith and taking him as her own apprentice because of his power in the Force. I don’t think he would ever fall that far. But he comes close, after the Jedi reject him.

Love Interest:

NONE! But he deserves someone to love and who will love him so hmu if anyone’s got ocs that want to smooch the green jedi boi.

Affiliations:

Jedi:

Rank:

Technically he never became a Knight. But by all requirements except the Council’s official naming him so, he is a Jedi Knight.

Master(s): Dakheol Faolan.

Apprentice(s): ---

Describe their lightsaber(s) and color crystal(s): Tacka uses a worn saber that belonged to his master on Corellia and after Corellia, with your typical blue color crystal. After being turned away by the Jedi (when he’s ~19 and wants to try and get stability in his life by returning to them) and their taking of his saber he found a somewhat broken, quite unstable double bladed saber in the black markets of Tatooine in his wanderings and repaired that. The color crystal is still weird though, he suspects it's broken but he hasn’t been able to find a replacement. It’s gold. Trying to wield the double bladed saber in its state is a bit like trying to wield a chainsaw and its taken him a lot of work to be able to fight with it as an extension of himself.

Specialization:

Were he in came I think he would honestly fall into a mixture of Jedi Guardian and Consular Shadow

Thoughts on the Order:

WELL he’s not their biggest fan. He thinks the Order is corrupt and has moved away from their own beliefs of goodness and doing good to try and pursue a moral righteousness that is twisted. He’s angry at them, as they’ve taken his entire childhood from him and then when he returned to try and serve again they rejected him because they thought he was beyond redemption or help.

Other Info:

He’s not a Jedi anymore, not really. He’s technically a deserter and a rogue.

Other Biographical Info:

Birthworld: Alderaan

Homeworld:

Right now he doesn't have a home. The closest he can think of is Rishi, but that’s really just a time to time home, where he’ll spend a few days at the Swamp with Hugo and Nyrah.

Familial Background:

I covered this earlier because I’m overzealous in my information, but his family is really just him and his parents. His mother is a smuggler who doesn’t have good relationships with any of her remaining family while his father--just like Tacka--was taken from his family by the Order at a very young age.

Other Info:

His tattoos on his arms and shoulders are based vaguely on what he can remember from his parents’ tattoos and his own design while the others on his face are based on things specifically from mirialan culture.

#swtor #swtor jedi #jedi knight #kind of #oc: tacka #hey @therron-shan awesome af character sheet #this was a lot of fun #made me think about my boy #y'all get shirtless jedi because its the best drawing i've done of him xd #and it shows off his tats #serious y'all hmu if someone wants to hug and smooch tacka boy #describe him in two words: me: hella green #sorry for anyone on mobile if the cut doesnt work

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othernecessarythings · 5 years ago

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let’s go

and btw it it’s weird that i just tell my whole life story like this where no one will ever read it, and it’s kinda cringe that i’m writing in english for no one but myself, but whatever here we go

TWENTY ONE PILOTS

* implicit demand for proof: are you more of a skeptic or a believer?

skeptic, i’m no good at believing or being optimistic smh

* fall away: are you afraid of heights?

not really

* the pantaloon: describe your favourite shirt.

ooh i’m right now is it probably my big, deep blue nike hoodie? idk it just fits to everything

* addict with a pen: write a four-line poem about whatever’s on your mind.

please reopen the schools (wait four-line? i read four-worded huh)

* friend, please: what is the nicest thing a friend has ever done for you?

my friend gave me a decorated photo album, it’s one of my most priced possessions (does that expression even mean that? i mean it’s very important to me anyways)

* march to the sea: you are given one day to live, with unlimited travel capabilities in that time. where do you choose to die?

probably here in my hometown? i’d travel as much as possible, but i’d still like to die where i belong

* johnny boy: have you ever risen to an occasion in a way of which you are proud?

hm probably, but i can’t really come up with any

* oh, ms. believer: is your favourite season the same now as when you were younger?

yeah, i’ve always preferred spring/summer

* air catcher: give your most unpopular/controversial opinion about love.

that it’s no rush trying to find love? everyone’s like it’s okay if your first love is in your 40’s, but i feel kinda stressed out that i haven’t fallen in love yet

* trapdoor: when have you felt invisible?

um the whole winter of being 14? but like invisible for everybody else, painfully visible for myself while i simultaneously shut off and didn’t feel a single emotion for like half a year,, yeah aha ha good times

* a car, a torch, a death: favourite way to travel? least favourite?

favorite: train, i always have a special and exciting goal if i travel

least favorite: car i guess, it’s just so mundane and boring

* taxi cab: tell us about the most memorable journey you’ve taken.

i’ve been on lots on journeys, but they’re all like typical family trips, so allow me to get poetical here, i guess the most memorable journey has been my own? like how i have evolved and developed to where i am today? hmm

* before you start your day: name your favourite part of your morning routine.

getting to check others private snap stories and to see what has happened during the night for them

* isle of flightless birds: what do you think is the most beautiful part of nature?

ah i love love nature and the complexity of it and how everything is connected, but like one specific thing? sunsets. it may be basic, but i’m a real slut for sunsets

REGIONAL AT BEST

* slowtown: where is your sanctuary?

i live by the sea, so i’ve got a few safe places near the shore that’s my favorites,, and like my best friends house, i always feel at home there too :,)

* glowing eyes: you inherit the powers and status of one well-known superhero. which do you choose, and why?

um i’m not that much for superheroes but like shuri from black panther is really cool and super smart, so that would be awesome!

* kitchen sink: what is something that only makes sense to you?

i’ve never mentioned this to anyone before, but i kinda think in shapes? ye not gonna elaborate on that one, but i feel like that’s not really explainable to anyone but myself

* anathema: what is a word most people don’t know? give its definition.

okay the swedish word fika,, like i’m very confused by how you non swedish guys live your lives without that word?? it basically means to “sit down, eat something sweet or more of a snack, have a cup of coffee or similar, and just talk and enjoy time together” and it’s very useable and necessary in my vocabulary

another word i thought of was the swedish word dygn. the translation is a day, but like we have a word for day too. day=dag. but a dygn is more like the 24 h the day lasts, while the dag only lasts during daytime,, idk it sounds complicated but it really confuse me sometimes when someone says a day, cause idk if they mean like the whole dygn, 24 h, or only daytime,, okay rant over

* lovely: how often do you express affection?

sigh i’m really bad at it and i should show the people i love how much i appreciate them more often, but when i do is it usually in form of words and thoughts,, i’m not a touchy person, not the one to give lots of gifts either, but i like to show it in words

* ruby: has a stranger ever permanently impacted your life?

hm no not really a stranger? but i mean some celebrities (*ahem tyler joseph*) have really changed my life, and i guess i’m just a total stranger to them but it feels like i know them personally for me

* be concerned: name an issue you believe should receive more attention.

all the species doing extinct

* clear: how much of yourself do you wear on your sleeve?

um not that much, i’m usually a quite reserved person

VESSEL

* ode to sleep: describe the last dream you remember.

omfg oh the dreams i’ve had lately, they’re something complete different,, like with the quarantine have i started sleeping more, which i guess is good, but i’ve started dreaming so much more and it’s fucking scary how much and how intense i dream now? like every dream seems real, and i’ve started to struggle to remember what’s actually happened in my real life compared to what i’ve dreamt, i can’t separate them and it all mixes together to one confusing mess,, and some dreams have been quite horror like too, not that i’m bothered when i’m actually in them, but more like i wake up and think whatthefuck actually happened

* holding on to you: which part of a conflict do you believe is more important - the journey to solution or the solution itself?

solution, i’m always a solution person, just give me that damn happy ending even with real problems too

* migraine: do you have a favourite day of the week?

no not really, it really depends on what i’m doing each day

* house of gold: what is a childhood dream you had that now seems unrealistic?

hm this is about to be sad but i never dreamt of anything big or special, ive always known that i’ll just end up living a normal life like anyone else? and i haven’t got any special talents or something, so the most creative i can think of is probably a good scientist or something

* car radio: do you enjoy silence?

in the right amount, yes. i usually appreciate silence a lot, whether alone or with friends i’m comfortable with, but that awkward silence sometimes is horrible

* semi-automatic: what is your stance on gun ownership?

disgusting. there’s no fucking argument that justifies having a gun, a possibility to take someone others life. there’s NEVER a valuable reason. sweden is really good with our super controlled gun laws, but like the us desperately needs stricter gun laws

* screen: what is the lie you most regret?

uhm update i think the last time i wrote here was in like april?? so anyways it’s december let’s finish this one lol

oh um i am, as mentioned before, highly scared of conflicts so i’m always weighing pros and cons of lying - and usually am i quite close, so there’s really no big lie that i regret? i tend to stick to the truth bc i’m scared of the consequences that might come if someone discovers my lie

* the run and go: if you were a fugitive, where would you hide out? explain.

simple answer: my friends places, if i had to hide somewhere better than that then maybe like... my grandpas wife has a lovely summer house in norway, yeah i’d hide there

* fake you out: freedom or safety?

depends. right now, fucking freedom. no, but like in theory right now freedom is the only thing i wish for, but i’m actually prioritizing safety bc of obvious reasons and i hope everyone else is too so i can have my damn freedom soon

* guns for hands: what is your favourite metaphor from a book or other piece of writing?

i really wish i was more attentive about such things, right now so i not have a clue

* trees: talk about your most memorable experience with a stranger.

i’m shy and scandinavian so i don’t talk to strangers unless i really have to,, maybe the man who shouted “i want that chinese” and pointed at me when i was in the city with my friends, who made me fully realize that wow people are actually racist towards me

* truce: name an acoustic song (other than truce) that makes you emotional.

misguided ghosts. do i really need to say anything more? no.

#julias mind #self development #just for my own sake

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alex-guerin · 7 years ago

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Last night I didn't get to sleep at all No, no I lay awake and watched until the morning light Washed away the darkness of the lonely night ... But more and more I find The dreams I left behind Are somehow too real to replace

Oh last night I didn't get to sleep at all No, no The sleeping pill I took was just a waste of time I couldn't close my eyes cuz you were on my mind And last night I didn't get to sleep No I didn't get to sleep at all!

Read under the cut for happy flailings and giddiness!

Literally me. Because I legit got zero fucking sleep last night cuz my brain just kept going back to Jason and sending me mental pictures of his smile and eyes and how adorable he looks coming into the cooler without his jacket or hoodie on and he’s got his arms kinda buried in his snowpants. Gads. I swear I’m in freaking love. The entire day, once 4:30 hit, I was a grinning dope and literally was unable to eat cuz the butterflies in my stomach kept trying to launch off with it and my heart. I was standing at my freezer locker when I saw a familiar orange hat go by on a fork truck and I was done for. Dopey smile the whole way to lunch cuz Jason had arrived for his shift. So I texted my mom during lunch telling her, “...I hate that an orange ballcap can bring such a dopey grin to my face. An orange ballcap going by on a fork truck. Yep. I have a biiiiiig problem!!” And she just texted back laughing at me!

I’d also been trying to figure out how I could find out his last name without being weird about it. Had finally settled on I’d ask my buddy on second shift if he’d be able to do some sleuthing for me. He’s crushing majorly on one of the guys on my shift, so I figured Brandon would be my go to to find info out for me and not judge me on it. Well, I walked into the building tonight, clocked in, and glanced to the first shift time cards and there, right in front, nothing blocking it from view, was a time card that said Jason Stobaugh and I went, “AH! O.O” Some how my piss poor brain instantly memorized that spelling even though I’m dyslexic and horrible at spelling to begin with. But that I was spelling to myself the whole night, including to the point of writing Alyssa Stobaugh on the back of my load sheet. Yeah, I sunk that low. LOL! But, later, I saw a list of birthdays for September up in the lunch room and there was another Jason listed, so, I wasn’t sure which was him until after I got back to the cooler and was working a bit and one of the first shift cleaning guys came in and was talking to me and I just casually was like, “Oh hey, Tyler. What’s Jason’s last name?” Tyler kinda looked at me like I was nuts for a second and then went, “Uh, I know it starts with a S, but I’m not sure what it is. ...whyyyyy?” I played it cool and shrugged and went, “I’m just curious. I know your last name, and a few other people’s last names on first back here, but hell, I didn’t even know his name was Jason until I’d heard someone call him that. So, I was just curious.” I fiiiiiiinally have a bit more info on my adorable, quiet Jason! Sadly, I’ve already looked, if he has a facebook page, he has it hidden. Cuz of the four or five that pop up with that name, none of them are him.

He spent most of the night running shipments into the freezer, but oh God, the few times he came into the cooler were basically the highlight of my utterly sleep deprived night. No, no, correction, getting to talk to him and make him smile and laugh again were the highlights of my night! I’m seriously making it my life goal to make him smile and laugh every day. Thus, I am never skipping work again. Ever. I was almost afraid tonight I wouldn’t get to talk to him, not even just our usual passing off labels and being all, “Here ya go,” “Thanks.” BUT! I got my chance when I knew shipments had come in and he was putting stuff away, so I figured he’d be the person to ask about a product the computer was telling me was a markout (nowhere in the warehouse, whatsoever) before I did anything with it. So, as he was starting to leave the cooler, I kinda stepped up with the paper in my hand I had the product info written down on and went, “Hey Jason!” He stopped and waited and oh sweet Jesus! Lemme tell you! I’mma tell you a thing here! I cannot for the life of me make and keep eye contact with people while I’m talking to them. I can’t do it. I get all shifty and uncomfortable and awkward, right? I zeroed in on those eyes and got ‘em locked in and good Lord his eyes are to fucking die for!!! Especially out from behind his glasses (he hadn’t put them back on yet after having been in the freezer). Oh fuck me please???? I dunno how, but I kept my eyes locked to his the entire time I asked him if he’d gotten a shipment of the FairLife 2% milk in. At first all I got was a headshake and closed mouth “hm-uh” which was almost a disappointment until I had kinda started to nod and turn back for the computer and heard him go, “We were supposed to get one last week, I think, but because of the hurricanes a lot of our shipments are being delayed. So, we should be getting it maybe next week I think?” The fact that I remember what he told me is rather surprising considering how in my head all I kept screaming was, “HOW ARE YOUR EYES SO FUCKING GORGEOUS?! HOW IS THIS FAIR?!?! THIS ISN’T FAIR!! OMG YOU’RE SAYING QUITE A BIT TO ME! DON’T BE A DOOF, LYSSA! DON’T BE A DOOF!!!” I nodded and started to scoot out of his way so he could get by me and turned it into kind of a little playful dance thing as I spun back around to face him again going, “Oh hey! My favorite words then! Markout!” Which got me my first laugh and smile of the night as he nodded and continued heading out.

Then later I needed product pulled down for my guys to pick from like, right the fuck now, so I didn’t have time to run out and get our backstocker guy to pull it down. I’d seen Jason come in to put some more stuff away so I went hurrying to his fork truck, waited for him to finish before I caught his attention again.

“Hey Jason? Could I maybe borrow you for just a second, please?”

He stopped and looked over at me and was like, “Sure. What’cha need?”

“Could I get you to pull some muffins down for me just real quick?”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

Now, I hadn’t wanted to ask him to do that for me cuz I knew he was busy and honestly, the first and last time I’d asked him to pull product down for me was moooooooooooonths ago and he kinda made a big deal about it (to be fair, he was new -- I think... -- and was busy trying to get his own stuff done at the time). So we headed into the “muffin room”, I pointed out which one needed to be pulled down and I stood there and waited until he brought the pallet down and put it in its spot, I thanked him, “Thank you very much, Jason.”

“Yeah, not a problem.” Got a bit of a smile and off he went.

And there’s me, standing in front of this pallet of lemon cakes, fighting back the urge to grin like a massive idiot as I pulled a couple boxes loose, clutched them to my chest and went scurrying back to my computer and what I’d been stacking at the time. I think next time I brave to ask him to pull something down for me, I’mma walk right up to his fork truck, fold my arms over the side of it, rest my chin on my arms and look up at him. Just to see what kind of reaction I get. :D

Honestly, with as sleep deprived as I was tonight, my filters were down pretty damn low. I don’t know how I didn’t do something ridiculous like call him darlin’ or something, which I tend to call everyone back in the cooler dear or darlin’. I almost did! I was once again waiting as he was putting some product away, mostly just watching him but making it look like I was paying attention to what he was doing and everything so I knew where he was going so I didn’t risk stepping behind him while he was backing up or something. And for a while my guys were constantly in his way. They were leaving carts in the middle of aisles, stepping out in front of him or just walking backwards and not paying any attention at all as he was trying to get back out again. So, when he finally noticed me and motioned that I could scoot by him, I did and went, “Da---dude, I am so sorry my guys keep getting in your way, today!” WHICH earned me smile and laugh number two as he shook his head and went, “You’re fine. Don’t worry about it.”

I was legit so sleep deprived that I was changing the lyrics to “I Want Candy” and “Hey Mickey” to “I want Jason” and “Oh Jason you so fine, you so fine you blow my mind, hey Jason! Hey Jason!” and was singing them out loud to myself. I’m sure someone had to have heard me. Luckily, no one said anything about it. I could have easily have asked him if he was single or for his phone number and probably not have batted an eye or even kicked myself later for it, I was that sleep deprived. I didn’t though. Dunno how, but I didn’t.

My favorite pastime now has become Jason watching. I ain’t even sorry, but man, it’s gonna get me into trouble one of these days. Literally any time he came into the cooler I basically stopped what I was doing to watch him and get this dopey, silly grin on my face. I was stacking a truck and he came in. He was in the other aisle. I couldn’t even really see him just his fork truck and I stopped and watched and giggled and got all goofy feeling inside. And my favorite part was when he’d brought a pallet of milk in to restock and it was too tall to fit wherever he had wanted to put it so he’s trying to pull these crates and cases of milk off the top...dude is only freakin’ 5ft5 at most. I swear me and him are exact same height. I swore he was gonna drop one of those cases on his head! He looked so silly and adorable stretching on his toes to reach crates and his fingers just brushing over them cuz he was just that much too short to really reach them. Oh God, I couldn’t stop laughing. It was just so damned cute!

Anyway, so, towards the end of the night, we were basically done picking and I was scrambling to get things checked since management decided to be dumbasses once again and needlessly sent me newbies who didn’t know what was happening and everything. Well, newbies done fucked shit up is what they did. So, I was trying to get one of the stops straightened out when I heard the printer start going off next to me again. Look over, and there’s Jason’s labels getting printed. I started folding them and went, “Fuck it. Jason, you’re adorable, but I’m not doing this right now.” So I let them drop and tried to continue, except they kept printing and printing and I was like, “GUH! FINE!” Dropped what I was doing and quickly started folding them -- all while my buddy Josh is standing there next to me laughing at my struggle to get them folded and my mutterings about Jason being adorable as fuck and he was lucky he was so damned cute. I’d confessed to Josh earlier in the shift about how my mom was laughing at me cuz I’m such a coward and how I’ve seemed to developed quite the crush on “the first shift receiving supervisor”. In fact, apparently my desire to not let half the department know about this was forgotten by me today in my sleep deprivation as Josh was in fact the second person I’d told about it. First was the stacker on second shift and she gave me such a look that I regretted telling her. Anyway, so, I got the labels folded up and set aside, got back to doing my stuff when Jason rolls in on his fork truck, disappears down an aisle, and a minute or two later starts back out again. I grabbed the stack of labels, jumped over the cart that was in my way and went darting after him. “JASON!” He stopped, turned, I held ‘em out and in our true way, had our typical, “Here ya go!” “Oh, thanks!” “Yup! No prob!” He didn’t even know they were printed. His assistant had printed them. Well, I was sick of assistant boy coming in to get them. Every time I heard the door open after labels had been printed, I’d look back all smiles and see it wasn’t Jason I’d get all disappointed.

I didn’t see him much after that, but then again, I was also busy trying to get shit stacked cuz the rest of the warehouse was waiting on us again. So, eventually, freezer/cooler crew all got sentenced to cleaning the freezer, except for me. I had to keep stacking. So, I kept stacking and singing to myself and dancing around a bit. And I don’t remember if it was while I was working on stacking, or after the last truck had been taken out and I was doing some clean up of my own that I heard the printer start up again and sure enough, more of Jason’s labels were printed. And, being alone in the cooler, I was cool with talking to myself, so I was like, “I swear to God, if he comes in here, it’s gonna be really hard not to go, ‘Ah, the sunshine of my day!’” And no sooner had I said that, that the cooler door opened, I looked under the rack, and there were these short legs scurrying in and I just got even more dopey cuz fuck yeah! Me and him were alone in the cooler! I WAS GONNA FUCKING TALK TO HIM! So I did. He grabbed his labels and started to leave so I went, “So’s it gonna be another 16hr day for you today?” And he stopped in his tracks, turned and got this big grin and laughed, shrugged and made a show of thinking for a second and went, “Eh, maybe only about a 14 hour day, today.”

“Hey! That works!”

“Yeah, ya know, shave a couple hours off, it’s not so bad.” And then I couldn’t fucking believe it, but he reversed course and started walking over to where I was standing so we could joke a bit more about the long hours. So I asked him if Wednesday ended up being a 16hr day like he’d feared it was gonna be, which got another adorable thinky face before, “Actually, I think it was fifteen and a half.” Which got me laughing and shrugged and went, “Hey! It wasn’t sixteen! That’s a whole half-hour less than you thought!” And mooooooore laughter from him. God, I’m fucking addicted to his laughter and smiles! And I’m so glad it was just us in there cuz I’m not sure if he would have come over if anyone else was there. Plus, I felt so damned special, I guess, that he took even just the minute or two we spent joking about the hours together out of his day to come over to me instead of stand at the edge of the racking he’d been when I called out to him at first. It felt like a great end to my day, and it was. Except I got to see him oooooooooooooone last time before I left!

Was heading out with a dumpster, my gear in hand and half blind cuz my glasses were fogged up. The main door rolled up, I started out with the dumpster just as he was heading in with his fork truck. He reversed course so I could head out and scoot past and our eyes met a couple times before I just smiled and went, “Have a good weekend, Jason!” And even though he had his freezer gear on so half his face was covered from his freezer mask, I saw his eyes brighten and crinkle in the corners so I knew he was smiling again and got, “Thanks! You too!”

And it has occurred to me that, I know his name now for sure, but I don’t know as though he actually knows mine. So, Monday I’mma fix that. Not entirely sure how yet, no doubt in some way that’ll make him laugh, probably hold his stack of labels out to him and then yank them back real quick and be like, “Ya know, it dawned on me Friday that I know your name cuz I heard someone call you one day, but I’ve never actually introduced myself to you. Hi. I’m Alyssa.” Just so maybe, MAYBE, I can finally hear him say my name. I may also hang a sign above my head that says, “You’re beautiful. Will you marry me? I love you!” ...no no...maybe not that. Though, I’m horrible at this whole flirting thing, and even worse at figuring out when someone is flirting with me, so, I’m not exactly sure how to go about getting my point across of, “Hey, I think you’re attractive. I’d really like to get to know you, please?” without it crossing into the whole sexual harassment area at work. If we still had the “Share a Coke” bottles in the break room, I’d buy one that says “Jason” and leave it back on his computer with a note: To help you get through another 16hr day! But...I dunno...I don’t wanna embarrass him and I don’t wanna seem weird. Especially since I still don’t know if he’s completely unattached to anyone yet or not. God I hope he is. I really, really hope he is.

If you managed to get this far, does anyone have any clues or tips on how to find out? I don’t know what to do!

#Personal log #long post #loooooooooooong post #cut down to size #God I haven't stopped grinning like a dork since I left work!

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