#so anyways the roommate and I didn't get home until 2:30 am

[thelastspeecher]

Paid $150 last night to spend six and a half hours in the ER and then have the doctor tell me "you're very healthy you can go home"

:/

[taesanrot]

[van gogh] sungchan x f!reader | 2.7k words sneaky links/relationship, office romance ish, kind of just a slice of life if that makes sense, smut! (making out, oral f. receiving, tongue fucking .... they get freaky) syn. during the daytime, jung sungchan is nothing but another colleague at your job. to everyone's knowledge, the two of you are pretty much strangers. but in the late hours of the weekends, it's sungchan who meets you at the end of nights filled with parties and clubs. note. im back !!! after 30 million years 💗 uni has been rough sorry guys. anyways here’s another song fic hehe. this was supposed to be my first one actually but i forgot about it for like ever.

now playing: van gogh by aminé

"tell me where to go when the party 'gon close, after party shawty she don't wanna go home"

sungchan waved his drunken friends off as they clambered into the first cab they could hail. anton looked at sungchan once again, asking if he should stay with his eyes. sungchan smiled and shook his head at the younger male, checking the time on his silver plated watch.

it was almost 2 am, you were probably in the same position as him, sending your friends off back to their own apartments. sungchan had just enough luck to catch a glimpse of you in the club you were both at.

he was mesmerized by your shimmery dress, shivering as he remembered how he nearly fainted when he caught the outline of your collarbone under the flickering lights of the nightclub.

the tall male was lighting a cigarette when he felt his phone buzz in his pocket.

[1:59 a.m.] y/n: wya

[2:00 a.m.] sungchan: 9th and valentina

[2:00 a.m.] y/n: omw

sungchan leaned back against the brick wall behind him, taking a long drag from the cigarette. he knew you'd nag him when you saw the cig, complaining that the smell bothered you. sungchan smiled softly thinking of your protests. he knew you nagged him about it because you cared about him, whether or not you'd admit it.

the clicking of your silver heels caught sungchan's attention, and he whipped his head in your direction. tossing his dart on the ground, the boy gave you and half smile and walked in your direction.

now standing face to face with sungchan, you didn't miss the way he shamelessly eyed you up and down.

"pretty dress." compliments rolled off his tongue whenever he was around you; sometimes sungchan swore you cast a spell on him

he smiled down at you. you rolled your eyes, bringing your hand up to link your arm with his.

"it's new." you replied teasingly, waving an arm in the air the hail a cab. as quick as you linked your arm with his, sungchan retracted his arm from yours, sliding it around your waist so you were flush against his side. you felt his breath fan on your neck as he pressed a light kiss behind your ear.

"missed you." he whispered, smirking as he felt you shiver slightly.

a cab arrived before you could respond, and sungchan opened the car door for you, hand never leaving the small of your back until you were fully seated in the vehicle.

over your dress, sungchans fingers traced the lines of your tattoo, the one on your lower back that almost no one knew about. scooting into the car, he watched you lean forward to give the driver directions to your house. 

sungchan wondered if your roommate, giselle, would be home or if the two of you would be alone. he felt you press into his side and lay your head on his chest once you finished talking to the driver, his arm wrapping around your frame like it was second nature for him. no matter what, he always found his hand settling in the dip in your side, like it was being pulled by a magnet.

looking at your eyes that fluttered shut, sungchan chuckled slightly. you tilted your face up at him, feeling his chest rumble against you.

“tired?” he teased, smoothing down part of your hair. you pouted slightly and shook your head in protest.

“no i’m not” sungchan smiled at you again in the way that made your stomach explode with butterflies as he leaned down to leave a peck on your lips. 

“it’s okay baby, i’ll wake you up when we’re there.” he shrugged off his jacket to drop it around your almost bare shoulders. lacing a hand with yours, he let you adjust yourself slightly to rest against his shoulder.

sungchan thought you looked the prettiest in moments like this, when you weren’t thinking about anything. your lashes laid delicately on your cheeks as your chest rose up and down slowly. he reveled in the sight of his jacket wrapped around you.

even if no one in the office knew about your romance, sungchan knew you were his and he was yours. he secretly loved the sneaking around, feeling like it added a little but of excitement to your boring work days. 

the two of you would act sneaky for no reason, leaving at different times to talk to each other near bathroom or take your coffee breaks together. 

even when you went out, you’d go with your respective friend groups, meeting up after they were done migrating from club to club. 

sungchan looked down at your intertwined fingers. at the end of the night, it was him you’d come back to, it was him who’d take you home.

as the taxi came to a stop, sungchan pinched your cheek slightly. you whined at the contact but moved to get out of the car. sungchan paid the driver and the two of you stepped out together, sungchan’s hand falling back to the small of your back as you kept his jacket wrapped around your shoulders. 

the ride up to your floor was short, the two of you were at your front door within a minute of entering your complex. you shoved your keys into the lock and shoved the door open impatiently, wanting to get your dress and makeup off. 

“aeri?” your voice cut through the silence of the apartment. the lack of response and the empty hook where her keys usually hung told you she wasn’t home.

sungchan smiled and pulled you towards your bedroom, kicking off his shoes lazily. you grinned as he pushed open your bedroom door, throwing his jacket onto the bed.

pushing you against your now closed door, he lowered his face to the curve of your neck, placing open mouthed kisses down to your shoulders. his hand played with the thin straps of your dress, watching how the slid off your shoulders easily. before he could tug it off of you completely, you tapped his shoulder, prompting him to look up at you.

“let me wash my face baby, my makeup.” your boyfriend pouted dramatically but stepped away from you so you could walk over to the bathroom.

as you changed and washed off your makeup, sungchan changed in your room, retrieving clothes from the bottom drawer of your dresser -- the one that was reserved just for him.

as you were rinsing off the last of your makeup, sungchan opened the door of the bathroom, grabbing both his and your toothbrushes and squeezing paste onto them. you sat on the counter and sungchan stood between your legs as you brushed your teeth. 

you ran your fingers through his fluffy hair, stomach flipping at the way he lazily leaned into your touch. his free hand came up to rub circles on your upper thigh, making you almost choke on your spit. sungchan smirked at the way you tensed, moving his hand up to play with the hem of your shirt.

you rolled your eyes at his antics, sliding off the counter to rinse your mouth. pushing the bathroom door open, you slipped into bed, sitting up against the headboard and scrolling through your phone. you laughed at some drunk texts from your coworkers. you hadn't drank much, and the lingering buzz from earlier was slowly slipping away.

sungchan walked out of the bathroom soon after, closing the door gently and turning your room lights off. your eyes could barely make out his large frame in the dark room, the only light coming from the streetlights outside and your phone screen.

you were still scrolling through some messages and emails when your boyfriend plucked your phone out of your hands, switching it off and placing it on the nightstand next to you.

he pulled you onto his lap, not giving you a moment to react. you giggled, tilting your head at him as his hooded eyes ran up and down your skin, stopping at the curve of your neck.

"what's up baby?" you asked, grinning. you could read sungchan like a book. he hummed in response, in a daze as his hands toyed with the hem of your shirt once again. you looked down at his fingers as they slipped under the fabric, running over your sides. you involuntarily shivered at how cold they were, and you felt your stomach burn with anticipation.

sungchan's other hand held your face gently, tilting your chin so you were looking at him again. he thumbed your bottom lip slightly, watching as your mouth wrapped around the tip of it delicately.

you enjoyed watching him breathe in shakily, knowing the effect you had on him. moving your legs to straddle him, you felt something poke against your center. sungchan moaned at the sudden pressure, pulling your face so he could meet your lips with his.

you gasped into the kiss, relishing the way his tongue slid into your mouth fervently. your hands landed on his neck, fingers tugging at the hair on his nape. his mouth melted into yours as he tilted his face to deepen the kiss even more.

you whimpered, feeling his hands roam under your shirt lazily. one hand pressed against the bottom of your spine, making your back curve into him slightly. the other massaged the skin of your thigh, moving closer and closer to where your clothed bodies met.

you were already sensitive, the feeling of sungchan shifting slightly underneath you making your breathing shallow.

his fingers danced along the waistband of your shorts, while his other hand stroked up and down your thigh. his light touches and the way he bit your lip were already making your head spin.

painstakingly slow, his hand at your waistband slowly slipped into your shorts, brushing against your clothed clit before applying pressure to your center over your panties. you broke away from his lips in favor of pressing your face into his neck, moaning into his soft skin. he ran his fingertips up and down your covered slit a few times before moving past your panties to feel your slick. noting how wet you were already, he chuckled.

“all this for me, baby?” you couldn’t see the smile on his face but you could hear it in his voice as you weakly nodded against his shoulder. you were aching in anticipation, almost screaming when sungchan pulled his hand out of your shorts. you watched impatiently as he licked his fingers, before bringing a hand up to tuck a strand on your hair back.

“wanna taste more.” he groaned into your ear, making you shudder.

“lay down for me?” you happily obliged, lifting yourself off his lap and laying your head on your pillow.

sungchan moved so he was hovering over you, placing a heavy hand on your hip. the sight of you under him was something straight of out sungchan’s dreams, your hair fanning around your face and small marks decorating your neck and chest.

he lowered his face to your neck, pressing wet kisses down the side as you writhed underneath him. his other hand pushed your flimsy tank up so he could see your boobs, latching his mouth around the right one.

"you always look so pretty when we go out. boosting my ego baby."

you moaned as his hot tongue pressed against your harden bud, back arching up to meet his face. he massaged your other boob, tweaking your nipple with his finger and basking in all of the pretty sounds you were making.

"always the prettiest girl in the room. and you're all mine."

he slowly but surely moved lower, kissing and licking your stomach. his hands hooked around the waistband of your shorts, and he pulled them and your panties off of you gently.

sungchan throbbed in his pants at the sight of you, your cami pushed up and your heat all bare for him. your eyes were screwed shut in anticipation, and he had to bite his lip to keep a laugh from escaping at the sight of you all pent up for him.

you were a mess, head thrown back against the pillow. you lost the ability to think straight a while ago, barely being able to control the noises you were making.

“please.” you whined quietly. you didn’t even realize what you said, and you definitely didn’t hear sungchan chuckling at your frenzied state.

placing his hands on your hips, he leaned in to brush your inner thigh with his lips, nibbling at the soft skin lightly. usually, he’d take his time with you, starting at your knee and kissing up your legs. he’d press kisses on the outside of your folds and the edges of your heat, and watch as your grip tightened on the sheets or in his hair. however, sungchan decided that he was feeling a bit more generous tonight.

before you could even ask him to stop teasing you, he pressed a deep kiss to your clit. a moan ripped through you, thighs twitching slightly. your legs already began to close instinctively, and sungchan looked up at you briefly before hooking his arms around your thighs both to keep them apart and pull you closer to his face. he had a wicked glint in his eyes as he looked up at you, basking in all the sounds and twitches coming from your pretty self.

his lips gingerly wrapped around your clit and you grabbed the closest thing to your hand, crumpling the sheets in your fist. sungchan’s arm looped around your knee and his hand found your heat easily. he pulled the skin above your clit slightly so he could hit the sensitive spot underneath, the spot that made profanities spill from your lips.

you bit your lip and screwed your eyes shut as his mouth and kisses travelled lower, his warm tongue swiping through the wetness of your slit. you couldn’t stop your lower half from jerking upwards, and sungchan’s free hand pinned your hips down to the mattress beneath you.

as his tongue breached your wet hole and his thumb rubbed your clit mercilessly, you cried out, back arching upwards. your head was spinning and stars were dancing on the back of your eyelids, and sungchan glanced up at you, watching as your mouth opened and no sound came out. you wanted to tell him keep going, to tell him how good he was making you feel. but your mind was melting at the way his mouth felt against you, and you were lost in him.

sungchan’s tongue flexed in and out of you, just the way you liked. he flicked it upwards every time he thrusted it into you, brushing your walls with the wet muscle.

"fuck- sungchan i'm gonna-" you could barely choke out words, drowning in the overwhelming stimulation.

you felt the knot in your stomach building at a gradual pace as your legs began to tense. sungchan’s pressure on your clit increased, revolutions only speeding up until you cried out his name, vision going white. your orgasm hit you like a truck, your walls fluttering around sungchan’s tongue and thighs shaking uncontrollably. all you could see was white as sungchan fucked you through your high with his tongue.

as you came back to earth, you looked down to see your boyfriend licking his lips sinfully, eyes hungry as he moved up to hover over you. brushing a finger down your cheek, he traced your lips with his fingertips, breath stolen from his body as you slowly opened your eyes.

your hooded gaze drove him insane, his lips being pulled to yours like a magnet. you sighed into his mouth, hands unlatching from the sheets to card through his soft brown hair. sugnchan's large hand fell onto your side, fingers digging into your soft flesh when he felt you bite his lip.

whining softly, you tugged at the end of sungchan's pajama shirt, making him break away from you for a split second to pull over his head. you didn't see where he tossed it, hands immediately moving to run down the soft skin of his firm chest. sitting up slightly, you pushed him backwards so you were leaning over him, smiling as he made a noise in surprise. you softly palmed him through his pajama pants, watching his eyebrows furrow in satisfaction at the way your palm rolled against his bulge.

as your fingers deftly worked at untying the drawstrings, you smiled at your shaking boyfriend.

"my turn, baby"

[mayajadewrites]

Suguru Geto x Reader: Never Say Never

Hi!! Geto is my favorite JJK character, so I knew I had to create a fanfic for him since I rarely see any! This is geto x reader, but I will be using first person instead of saying "you" constantly. This series will have smut.

This is a modern Suguru Geto AU!

Summary: Reader and Geto have been basically raised together. They've been enemies, frenemies, friends, and now roommates. Has there been a connection all this time that both of them have ignored? What are they willing to do to prove this connection wrong?

ao3 link

Suguru Geto has been my sworn enemy since I was in diapers. We were born about 2 months apart, and our families never let us forget. His parents and mine are very close, like close enough for us to spend holidays together.

Suguru has always been a source of not only competition, but annoyance. He was always making fun of me or pushing me down the slide when our parents weren't looking. While he has gotten older, that doesn't mean he's matured. We fight every day, some say like a married couple. I would not want to be caught dead in a marriage with Suguru Geto.

Now, in our final year of college, I can say that Suguru has grown A BIT. We still hang out constantly, but we also have other friends that balance us out. Gojo, Shoko, and Nanami.

The 5 of us rent out a house together so we can stay near campus and have cheap rent. This also meant complete chaos almost every weekend, courtesy of Satoru Gojo.

"Knock, knock." Geto burst my door open, without actually knocking.

"You know you're supposed to knock on the door before you enter, not say it." I lift my eyes from my book. "What is it?"

"What book are you reading?" Suguru leaned against my doorframe, his tall stature taking up most of the space.

"Suguru I swear, what the hell do you want?"

"I just came in here to say..... you're late to your last class. By like, 30 minutes."

I grabbed my phone and gasped, glaring at Suguru. "You waited until NOW to tell me?!"

"I didn't know it was my responsibility to get you to class on time."

"You knew I was reading, and when I read -"

"You get immersed into the world within the words. I know." Suguru shook his head. "It's one day. I'm sure your professor will be fine with it."

"Who am I? Gojo? I can't sweet talk my way out of things. Speaking of, where is that white haired rodent?"

"I think he's hosting a woman in his room."

The house was mapped out with my room and Geto's room on the first floor, while Gojo, Nanami, and Shoko have their rooms upstairs.

I'm used to sharing almost everything with Suguru, so a bathroom was nothing. The only thing that sucked was hearing girls moans from his room when he decided to bring them home from a night out.

"I'll send my professor an email saying I felt sick. Next time, please get me out of my reading trance if I'm late."

"You got it." Suguru winked, turning on his heel and walking out of my room.

🧦☕🧸🧺🪵

"Shoko, do we have to go out?" I whine, brushing my hair.

"It's Gojo's birthday. We have to. He's gonna drag us out against our will anyways."

I scoff, finishing the curls in my hair. Gojo always goes all out for his birthdays, obviously this year is no different. He reserved a table at a club with his favorite bottles. As his roommates, we're obligated to go.

I ran my fingers over my black ribbed midi dress, accentuating my every curve.

"Your ass looks fat as hell." Shoko smiled, smacking it lightly. "Someones trying to bring a guy home tonight."

"If I bring anyone home, it'll be when no one is here. I hear enough from Suguru and Satoru." I tie my heels up my shins, kicking them up to show Shoko. "The only man in this house that's respectful is Nanami."

"Kento keeps to himself, that's why. He doesn't like hookups, he wants a wife."

"Smart man." I finish my look with my favorite pair of gold earrings, twirling my body. "How do I look?"

"Like any man is gonna want a piece of you." Shoko smiled, flattening her dress. She's sporting a tight, short, green dress with chunky heels.

"Ladiessssssssss." Satoru sang. "It's time to go. The Gojo train is exiting the building."

"Coming!" I grab Shoko's hand and leave my room. The boys are gathered in the living room, Satoru obviously looking the most... well, Satoru. Nanami is wearing a grey suit with a patterned tie, his undercut freshly done. Suguru is wearing a plain black suit with his hair tied up in a bun, but a couple of pieces of hair are in his face.

"Damn." Gojo whistled at Shoko and I. "You ladies clean up real nice."

"Tone it down birthday boy." I roll my eyes, grabbing my purse from the counter. "This happens once a year, so we do this for you."

"I'm eternally grateful." Gojo bowed, his glasses at the bridge of his nose, exposing his piercing blue eyes.

I couldn't help but notice Suguru's eyes glued on me. He's a man of few words, but his body tells a whole story. His eyes followed every curve, mesmerized by the movement.

I'm blaming it on the fact that I never wear dresses like this.

"You ladies do look beautiful." Nanami said, pressing his hands to our shoulders.

"Thank you, Kento." I look to Suguru, who looks like he's fresh out of words for the day.

Nanami ordered the Uber, so it was outside as we all were ready. The Uber was on the same type of time we were - playing club music and lifting our spirits more.

Suguru and I were in the back, per usual. Satoru always wanted to have the front seat, Nanami and Shoko got car sick, so we were stuck with the worst seats.

"Hey," Suguru looked at me with his chocolate colored eyes. "I didn't want to say this in front of Gojo, but you look beautiful."

"Are pigs flying? Is hell freezing over?" I look around, acting like the world is falling.

"That's the last time I compliment you." Geto shook his head, glancing at the window.

We hit a pot hole and my body flys into Suguru's, my tits pressed against his chest.

"Sorry!" The driver said with a toothy smile. "They need to fix these roads."

"Of course you don't have your seatbelt on." Suguru rolled his eyes, but didn't push me off of him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know you were the seatbelt police." I pulled the seatbelt over my chest. "Won't happen again, sir." I salute, while Geto sucks his teeth.

🧦☕🧸🧺🪵

The club's music is blaring, so much so that I can barely hear a word anyone is saying. Gojo knows everybody, so he's mingling and celebrating his birthday his favorite way - by having other people celebrate him.

I'm sipping on my rum and pineapple, swaying my hips to the music next to Shoko. Geto and Nanami are close by, observing the crowd. Both of them are quiet and like to enjoy the environment since their social batteries are always running low.

"Come on boys, let's dance!" Shoko grabbed Nanami and Geto's hands, bringing them to the dance floor. "You too!" Shoko called my name.

Against my will, I followed Shoko. I'm not the best dancer but I'm not standing by myself at Gojo's table.

Shoko loves to dance, so she's in her element. Nanami dances like an old man - but it's cute at the same time.

Geto sticks by your side, not sure of what to do. He usually follows what Gojo does, since everything Gojo does is 100x more embarrassing than anything he could do.

I start to move my hips to the rhythm of the music when I feel a pair of hands on my waist. The hands are strong and come with a strong fragrance of cologne.

"That dress looks delicious on you." The man whispered in your ear. "My name is Toji."

I told him my name, taking in his features. He's rather muscular with long black hair that covers some of his face.

I put my hand on the back of his neck, pulling him toward me gently. "Do you always grab random women?" I say in his ear.

"Only the ones that look like you." Toji whispered in my ear, earning a smile from me.

I could feel Suguru's eyes burning a hole into my skin.

[the-doggy-diaries]

guys little vent i am in between jobs rn i technically have one lined up but the manager will not give me a first day he is never at the store and none of the employees will give me his number they all keep saying they'll tell him and then i never hear anything. i am also having to move out of the house i live in by the end of this month (dec 2023) because all my other roommates are moving out. fucked up thing is they all had a place lined up before they even told me and they all make way more money than me, i found out very end of november too. i keep looking at places and looking into leads but everything is either way too expensive for the wage im used to (not even taking into account the fact that i dont have a job) or the roommates are not at all the demographic i would want to live with. im a 20 year old 5'2" queer afab with facial piercings i do NOT want to live with dudebros in their late 20s/30s who make three times as much as me . i cant even turn to my family they are the reason i had to move out when i wasnt ready because they had been threatening to kick me out for 6 full months before i finally found a place. my mom keeps saying i can leave my stuff at her house if i cant find a place because she doesnt want all my shit sitting in some friend-of-a-friends garage or some shit but she won't offer to let me stay over for a bit until i find a good place again. she's the reason i had to leave when i wasnt ready and didn't have a savings built up and ended up in a house where id come home to 2 of my 3 roommates doing blow in the living room. one of my roommates started bringing a felon into the house after he contacted her immediately after finishing his 6 year sentence because they were dating up until then (when she was 15 and he was 19) . he's friends with people who r in prison for murder. my other roommate constantly bringing home men 10-15 years older than her from the bar until she got a sugar daddy who she ultimately ended things with after he had a foursome with some hookers in vegas while SHE WAS THERE. and then he started sending bouquets to the house bc of course he knows where we live. but even then all that was better than living with my parents bc they were fucking insane. anyways i don't have a place to live next month LMAO and i have 800 bucks to last me til my paycheck that i have no idea when im getting seeing as i got my last paycheck from my old job one week ago today and have not worked a day since bc my new job will not schedule me . OH MY GOD AND ITS MY BOYFRIEND AND MY FIRST XMAS TKGETHER AND I CANT REALLY GET HIM ANYTHING BC I HAVE TO BE SO CAREFUL WITH MY MONEY AND ITS TEARING ME APART I LITERALLY DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[artiemoonqueen]

Baby

By: Monica Lebron

I was part of a family that had very few pets. We had a turtle that was always there since I can remember but was never...never named. We had doves that my dad once built a coop next to our garage. We would have them in the house as they would sit on our shoulders and often lay unfertilized eggs everywhere. My brother and I were definitely too young to take care of doves. One perished from a night in said coop by a predator, the other was wounded and healed inside the house. We somehow...crushed this one during one of our rough housing. I know I know, we are heathens and should be sent to Peta jail but we were children. Being only three years apart from one another at ages 8-10, we were wrestling and playing on the couch with a comforter and one thing led to another. Our last friend from a pair seems to have gotten tangled up with us. We were very very mournful I swear to you all. After that, our parents had divorced(not because of the doves) and I was left to entertain myself without any responsibility to a pet. It was another story for my brother and mom but this isn;t about their many adventures with pets. This really isn't about the ‘previous’ pets we had in the past. This story is about Baby. In the year 2018, long before my 28th birthday I had to figure out a living situation.

1)find roommates that I knew

2)find roommates that I didn’t know

3)move back with my dad

4)live on my own

Since I had lived two years with roommates that I knew and some I knew too much. Before that I was living with my father that would sometimes ‘break my soul’. And I was a bit hesitant to move with people that were strangers at that time, I took the opportunity to live on my own for the first time. $650.00 for an apartment that has high ceilings, beautiful lighting that I will admit that I am currently kicking myself that I didn’t take enough selfies. Furniture and decorations of my own taste and pretty chill neighbors, the location was a little out of ways from anyone visiting and just down the hill was a large pharmaceutical company that was the ‘leading biotechnology company that invents life-transforming medicines for people with serious diseases’ in other words, high possibility that they are working on zombie-endulced material that a friend of mine who once worked there, would swear that that wasn’t happening but promise to text me ‘code red’ as a warning to get my ass far away from that place in anything were to happen.

So I was alone finally and I had really fucking felt it. I went through a winter before looking through websites for adopting an adult feline. I had no preference other than friendly, pettable, I pick up and hug when I need it, but independent. Spoilers(with tears coming down my face I was able to find that. Sorry I thought this was going to be easier) Before our paths would tangle as the dove with my brother and I’s wrestling match, I first looked on the local humane society website to look for potential companions. While I knew I wanted an older cat because of less time training and the idea of giving an older cat a better life, I saw a green eye, black cat with the christen name ‘Monica’. Now if you want to take this moment to go back to the top of this tale and look at the author’s name, I too am named ‘Monica’. What kinda psycho names a cat with a human name like ‘Monica’? I’ve heard names like Sprinkles, Scooby, Donut, Ringo, Chucky, and just about any reference to a greek god/goddess or dessert. Who was the previous owner that watched too many episodes of ‘Friends’ that decided to name a kitten Monica? I quietly laughed in my lonely one bed-room and moved along the website until the next day, on May 21, 2018. A week before my 28th birthday, my little cousin and I drove our way to the adoption center to look at cats that I had no idea whether I would go through with it or not.

“There’s a cat there named Monica?” my cousin had asked after I told her the musing I did the night before.

“ Yeah, she was cute but I can’t take her! I’d look insane.”

“ You don’t know Monica, maybe she is the one.”

“ Hell fucking no.”

We got out of the car and walked in. The front desk had a box of kittens that needed to be processed in. Their mewls were delightful to hear but were too young to be adopted out. I had signed in and asked ‘what’s your most friendliest outgoing cat here right now?’ The person attending us was quick to say all the cats were great but in her time there she had gotten to like a cat named...Monica. I could feel my cousin's smirking gaze on me. I was not going to subject myself to ridicule for having a cat with my same namesake thank you very much. There were many potential companions to see anyway. Some very old and very young. One with just an eye that I was close to choosing and others with large ears that reminded me of season 1 of ‘Girls’ Adam Sackler. But in the room with both a ‘mr and mrs. Incredible’ was also the notable cat named Monica. Let me tell you a little about the cat that will soon be renamed ‘Baby’. She knew how to get ya’ to want her affection. She knew that being present, unafraid. In the open, fluffy with hints of grey and a rich reddish brown coat along the black, open wide green eyes and a meow that was certain. She was her own saleswoman. In a true cliche, I was ‘hook, line and sinker’.

After $90.00 in cash, in a cardboard ‘cat carrier’ and her meowing away, I took a female, domestic longhair, black, eye color that was the color green. Birth Date 10/2009, formerly named ‘Monica’ home. Our first week, I thought she wanted to get close to me at night so when I awoke to a bat that brushed across my face and not her, that was fun. Eleven shots and two weeks of follow up maintenance shots for rabies, we had gotten familiar to one another. I would feed her half a can of wet food at 5:30 am before my morning shift at my part time job at the dmv and feed her the rest at night after my shift from my salon job. She lay on her back sometimes when we were both in the living room while I enjoyed binging on tv. And meow when I say ‘what?’ when we would eye at each-other. She will follow me to a basement apartment that I shared with my close friend David. We call her ‘pizza’ baby because of the time she climbed alongside the back of the couch while we were eating pizza from Pizzaroni. I felt a tug on my left arm that was holding up my cheese slice. When I looked, she was leaning far to reach my pizza to eat it. Not a successful attempt that time but she will try again. She constantly wanted the attention of David to which he would gladly and promptly pet her while she purred and then quickly turned around to bit his hand away. He always gave her the attention though. For that I am grateful for David. You made sure she ate and loved. You affectionately talk about her to your parents on your long distance phone calls with them and tell your two ideal brunch buddies about your time with Baby. You were the best coparent for her when I would leave for a week long trip to Europe or weekends away to work conventions. She loved you. You had to know that, and you Mike. She loved you too. But she didn’t love the dogs that would shit all over the backyard on the walkway to the trash. Those assholes.

Her next adventure with a month long excursion to my dad’s house before the final move together. While I worked my last few weeks at the salon to save for the time that I would become a true ‘City’ woman. She would find ways to break into my dad's room to lay on the middle of his bed and sleep. His heater would be right in her direction, while we sat unknowing in his recliner in front of his tv. He didn't want to like her. I know this. But who could meet a cat like Baby and not love her. Who would not love seeing a black cat go on her hind legs to look out the window that you have looked through to see the ongoings of the gentleman club next door. Yes, from grades eighth to age 26 I had lived in an apartment that was a stone throw away from a gentleman’s club that late at night, my dad would wake me up to see out the window and watch as the patrons would take pictures of topless dancers on the sign of the establishment before a game of ‘catch me if you can’ through the usual busy main street formerly known as The Bowery before 1867 however that should be left for another drawn out tale. Baby will have a final destination and despite her short time here, my dream of her sleeping peacefully near me while I lay on my bed on a raining day did come to fruition. Super Bowl LIV, February 2, 2019. Both my birth mother and I are hungover from separate nights from each other. She picks up my stuff, Baby and I. And we head to my current apartment in Brooklyn, New York. A dream that I have had besides the many others that will be done and accomplished, I swear. Baby is free to roam the car but she opts to explore little and sleeps most of the way to hear and then to Long Beach for two nights of rest. She walks around like the fearless cat that she is in any space she is in. Never cowers. Never shows fear or intimidation. She is fucking awesome in all her glory and we live together here for another six months until she seems to not to be herself.

As I live in a time of fear for my health during a pandemic, I don’t realize that Baby could be going through a decrease of quality of life with some kind of kidney failure. It was all too quick the deterioration in her appearance and behavior. I was quick to get her to a vet but the results showed more than we had thought and I had to bring her to an emergency vet. They were so kind but when the doctor told me the treatment that would be done to her, I agreed to then going to reception to find out that I would even have enough money to keep her there for a day of treatment. I paid for blood work, exam fees and medicine just to try and figure a way and she seemed to perk up again and walk her way to her favorite rooms to look out the windows or spy on us watching another extructating episode of White Lines. But she wouldn’t eat. For almost three weeks she wouldn’t eat and I had to force feed her food but she didn't want it. I would just get frustrated and I’m sure she was frustrated with me but why wouldn’t she just eat and take the medicine and be like another girls cat that has had kidney failure for years but the cat was still going? Why?

I knew what was going to happen if I made another appointment. I knew and I didn’t want to know. I just had to make the appointment because what if? What if, despite the week before she was back to her ‘old self’ she got even worse the following week, and couldn’t even walk in a straight line. What if her constant sleeping was just her trying to heal herself? What if I bring her one more time and they have a better option that I can afford and I can bring her home and she could lay right beside me on the bed like she use to and look at me with her beautiful green giant eyes that a kid once said were evil eyes but your are dumb kid, really dumb. What if? That’s not how it goes though. We know in our souls when it’s time to say that horrible and final goodbye. So we push through, kiss them more and hold them close and bring them to the vet. We will wait and listen with tears already shed for the answer we didn’t want. The answer that didn’t fit with the what ifs. And you try to say your goodbye while uttering so many I’m so sorry. This isn’t a mom in hospice or a phone call from the police saying your sibling has passed. It’s nothing close to seeing the numbers of people dying from a virus or you dad getting in an accident and obtaining horrible injuries. Those pains are harsh, and grasping air. Those pains affect the heart, and brain for the rest of your life. Baby is like one in a million pets that people have lost. There will be millions of pets to come and go after my time here. However Baby was mine for a short time, but mine. I love her. I miss her. I feel her but I know she can never be here with me again. Feeling her not in the room with us but still having her body left was eerie. She made me happy, and loved like a familiar to its owner. Her snores by my head will be missed. Her purrs and weight on my chest. Her constant knots in her long hair. Her allowances of my kisses on her head. Goodbye Monica, Goodbye Baby.

END

[paepsi]

EXO as dumb shit I’ve done, EXPLAINED:

Suho: 

See this picture here? This is me before the moving team. I was so fucking proud of myself for strapping the base of the chair to my roof (it wouldn’t fit through the trunk of me smol hatchback). I thought it was funny that it kinda looked like a kip-pah and asked my friend to take a pic for me here (see my lil peace sign next to my face? im v happy of my jew car). Little did I know that after driving to my new apartment with the whole moving team from IKEA unloading shit from the truck, I would be stuck in the fucking car. I didn't have a knife or scissors to cut the strings and I didn't want to make my dumb assery to be noticed; so instead of asking for help... I climbed out the front window and almost fell flat on my ass. When I stood up and turned around, the whole moving team was just standing there looking at me. The assholes knew I was stuck and let me suffer.

Kris & Kai:

so these moments both happened in the same night. I went to a house warming party for my friend and I didn't know what to bring as a gift, so I just bought two big bags of Hawaiian bread. Now throughout the night, the more I drink, the more impulsive I get. 

I started putting the bread on people's shoulders, slowly piling them up until they noticed. Everyone was pretty wasted so there was no surprise when I had a stack of 4 1/2 buns (I ate half) on my friends shoulder. Anyways- fast forward into the night, I'm craving sweets, so I walk into my friends kitchen and find a jar of cookies. At the time I thought it was a brilliant idea to just put the Hawaiian bread in there so the kitchen looked full; a fair exchange, if you will. At least that's what I thought... I found pictures from the party and it turns out I just ended up putting in a half eaten bun sjzjsj

Fast forward into the morning of the next day, I’m hungover and I wake up wearing mismatching socks (one is mine, the other I have no idea). 

I needed to get home because I had work later that day, so I hop into my car and start driving home. The whole time there was this annoying beeping sound that I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. I had such a bad headache that I pulled over to see what the fuck was wrong. I got out of my car, checked the wheels, checked the under the hood, then hopped back inside. I was so frustrated that I banged my head on the steering wheel and just rested my eyes for a sec. When I opened them to look straight ahead at my dashboard, the brake light was glowing bright red. I cried.

Chanyeol: 

One summer evening, I was hanging with my sister and her friends around a campfire. We were roasting marshmallows, drinking, having a good time etc. Eventually later into the night we started getting bored and one of my sister’s friends suggested playing hot potato with the coals from the fire. We’re all game like FUCK YEAH LETS DO THIS. Then we start tossing it around and realize that it’s way too fucking hot, so instead of tossing it’s just everyone spiking the coal to the next person. FYI, I have terrible hand eye coordination and I wasn’t wearing my glasses that night. Every single time the coal was spiked my way it would miss my hand and fly straight into my hair. The next day I woke up, looked in the mirror, skipped breakfast and headed straight to the salon. still looked cute or w/e so I ain’t mad

Kyungsoo: 

Ahhhh, this one is actually pretty personal and happened not too long ago! My mom finally left this dirt bag she’d been married to for the past 16 years. When I say dirt bag, I mean a manipulative, abusive piece of shit. My mom was so tired during her session with the mediator for when they were deciding who was getting what; she took 30-45 minutes to talk alone with them and he took 3 fucking hours putting on this sick sob story. The mediator was so done with him too that they just let him do whatever he wanted. That meant he had the “right” to pick and choose what belonged to him in our apartment. The fucker took EVERYTHING. He took the furniture, the bedroom sets, all the electronics, the spices- HE DOESN’T EVEN COOK. However, a week before then, I bought a huge bottle of vanilla. I needed it to make edible cookie dough, which I was doing everyday out of stress. The day before he finally moved out, I came home from work to see everything wrapped/packed up. I started to get worked up and went to the kitchen to make my cookie dough. When I opened the cabinet to get my vanilla and saw it completely empty, I lost it. I literally screamed and started tearing up all the boxes, finding more shit that belonged to me and stopped when I finally found my vanilla. I went back to the kitchen, happily made my cookie dough and kicked back on "his” couch with my dirty shoes on. Later that night, the asshole came home and screamed at me. I shut him up tho when I told him I’d suffocate him with a pillow in his sleep if he dared to touch me or any of my things ever again. He didn’t stay in the apartment that night lol

Baekhyun:

I think this one might be my favorite story. It all started when a package from my mom in the mail never showed up even though the UPS tracking said it had already arrived on my doorstep. I assumed in meant the package was stolen and got really bummed about it since it had some essential items in there. My roommates felt bad and decided to cheer me up by throwing a house party (woohoo! cue the alcohol!). It started at like 3pm and went on all the way until 4 am the next day. Somewhere within that time frame while it was still light outside, slightly tipsy, I found a ladder on the side of the house and had a strong urge to follow it up to the top; and who am I to deny every desire that comes across my pea sized brain. I was half-way up to the roof when one of my roommates spotted me (let’s call him Big Ned; there were two guys named Ned in our house so we just called them Big Ned and Little Ned; Big Ned is like 6′3″ and Little Ned is like 5′4″). Big Ned started yelling at me to get down and I told him I couldn’t because it was my destiny to reach the top. He decided that there was no use arguing with me and ended up following me to the roof (even though he’s afraid of heights; bless his BFG heart). He’s kinda hard to miss, so when he started making his way up to the roof with me, it grabbed a lot of attention. Some joined us. Meanwhile, I decided to walk around and look into my neighbors yards. I saw a mess of papers in one of the alleys between our houses and joked “lmao that’d be funny if that was my package”. We laughed for a bit then looked a little closer until we realized oh fuck that’s my package. My body moved on it’s own and just kinda scrambled across the roof trying to figure out the fastest and least painful way to get off the roof. Thank the stars for Big Ben holding me back by the collar of my shirt and preventing me from jumping down onto the neighbors fence. Little Ben ended up running over and jumping the fence to get it for me. We still don’t know how it got there.

Tao:

In middle school, I had to go on this field trip to some ranch out in the countryside of Texas. I remember we were all huddled into a barn with a big stage in the back. The teachers grabbed a mic and got on stage to talk about who knows what. Idk I wasn’t paying attention, talking to my friend, in my own world. When the mics go off, everyone starts chattering. At that moment in time, I was extremely preoccupied with my shoelaces when I got a tap on my shoulder from my homeroom teacher. I think she was mad at me for not listening and told me to head up to the stage along with a few other students making their way over. Being in front of others makes me nervous, but when the teachers put a bib around my neck before I got on stage, I was too confused to think of anything else. When another teacher started handing out baby bottles filled with Gatorade to each student on stage, I had to stop them to ask what was going on. And what do ya know, I’m in a baby bottle drinking contest. Before I had time to ask any more questions, they were already counting down to start. Now listen, I’m not the type of person to back down from a challenge so ofc you know I’m gonna suck the soul out of this bich. The reason I can say this confidently is because up until I was 11 years old, I always drank out of baby bottles when I got home from school. I just really liked the feeling?? For me, nothing beat chilling on the couch, watching Teen Titans and drinking fresh cold orange juice from a baby bottle on a hot summer day. Idk but I guess it came in handy since I finished a 24oz bottle under 35 seconds. The rest of the kids weren’t even close to half way through. There’s a picture of me at the back of my school year book holding up the baby bottle like a trophy.

Sehun:

Remember my sisters friends from the campfire? Well I spent a good long summer hanging with her friend group and ended up getting kinda close to this one of the guys (let’s call him Jake). I have a really broad range of music taste and I guess he digged that so we talked a lot about music together. By the end of the summer, Jake threw a party at his house and invited me over. Ngl I wanted some dick so ofc I’m gonna go all out and break out my hot leather Madonna outfit. I head out with my sis and the house is packed by the time we get there. The whole time we’re pretty much just hanging out, drinking and dancing the night away. Some time passed 1 am (I think), I’m sorta outside making out with Jake on the side of his house. It’s getting really hot and heavy. When we finally broke apart for air, he told me he though he was in love with me. I’m screaming internally, panicking and I don’t know what to do. I could tell from way before that he really liked me, but I didn’t think it was to that extent. It doesn’t help exactly that I don’t feel the same way for him. Don’t get me wrong! He was really hot and sweet, but I just couldn’t see myself with him. So what did I tell him? Nothing. My dumb ass was in such a panic that all I could think of was that I needed to run. I did. I ran back into the house, out the front porch, spotted his skateboard and took off. I didn’t really know where I was or where I was going but somehow I ended up at the train station and eventually found my way back home.

Xiumin:

On my 21st birthday, my roommates took me out to a really nice, 5 star restaurant in the city we lived. They're buying me all the drinks I want cause heck I'm finally legal! Now, I think y'all can see a pattern of what happens when I drink. So when Big Ned got a glass of scotch and I had just finished off my last sip of wine, I wanted some too. I asked him to share, using "it's my birthday" to get my way. Ever the gentleman, Big Ben pours half his glass into my wine glass and keeps his raised for a cheers. The whole group joins in and with a shout of Mozeltov, I slam the wine glass down on the table and toss it back. It wasn't until I finished the last drop and tried to set my glass back on the table that I realized I snapped the stem in half. No one spoke, except for Little Ned, softly, "did you... did that really just happen?" Yeah. Yeah it did. Thankfully the restaurant agreed to keep the broken glass off the bill as long as I left the restaurant immediately.

Chen:

On a Saturday night, I met up with a good friend of mine that I hadn’t seen in months. We bought some snacks and drinks then drove to a marina near my apartment (new place in California). The whole night we spent catching up and throwing rocks in the water. I was still a little tipsy when it was time to go home and my friend ended up driving me back. On the way back, I opened a bag and snacked on some pizza flavored goldfish. I was about a fourth of the way through the bag when I decided I didn’t like it anymore and started tossing them out the window. We pull up to a stop light and my friend is trying to make me stop by rolling up the window, but I stick my leg out before he could close it. Next he tries to compromise and said if I wasn’t going to eat the goldfish, I should just put the bag down and remove my leg from the window. My tipsy ass told him no, I was handing out free food. I turned to look at the car next to me, asked (yelled) if they wanted any goldfish and held out the bag to them. I guess the dude thought it was funny and was just like “yeah sure why not, lifes too short to not eat goldfish from a stranger at a stoplight” alksdjflskdj 

Lay:

When I was about 6 years old, I lived out in the suburbs of Fulshear, Texas. The community is really tiny and everyone knew each other. One time, I was playing hide and seek with my siblings, and decided to hide under my moms bed. While I was waiting for my brother to come find me, I fell asleep. A couple hours later I wake up and it’s dark out. The house is empty. I’m calling out to see if anyone is home, checking all the rooms. I thought maybe everyone decided to tag me “it” since I passed out. After a while of not finding anyone, the phone rings and I pick up. It’s my mom sounding out of breath calling to see if anyone found me and took me back to my house. Turns out I had actually been knocked out for 6 hours. Not being able to find me during hide and seek for 2 hrs, my siblings went to get my mom who also started looking for me. After another hour and no luck, she called our neighbors across the street to see if I went over to play with their kids. Ofc they said no and said they would call some other people in the neighborhood to find out if they'd seen me. A few hours later, the whole neighborhood was out looking for me. Meanwhile I'm at home chilling on the couch watching Teletubbies and eating goldfish (the original babey).

Luhan:

My dad took me and my siblings to the beach almost every summer in elementary school. We would always stay at this Holiday Inn right across the street from the sands. At night, we would go “hunting” for crabs with a flashlight and a fishnet. But on some nights when my dad was too tired to go out, my siblings and I would hang in the kids room at the hotel. We were fooling around and just being kids. Then we found a big case filled with tubes of paint. I was excited to do some finger painting but before I could reach for a tube, my brother stopped me to say he had an idea. He dared us lay down our sheets of paper and paint them by jumping on the tubes. Being the youngest of four, I thought this was a brilliant idea and immediately got to work. Set my paper down and lined up the colors I wanted to use. I jumped.... Only a spec of paint made it onto the paper... The rest beautifully decorated the off-white walls of the kids room. We all just froze because oh my stars we’re gonna be in so much trouble. Turning to each other, we made a very strong pinky promise to not tell a soul what happened. The next day when we returned to the kids room, the case was gone, faded splotches of green and purple remained on the walls, and a big paper taped above reading “NO PAINTING ALLOWED”.

Fun fact: my eldest sister used to write about my adventures for her creative essay homework’s in middle school.

[pbandjesse]

I'm pretty exhausted again. I'm very much looking forward to going to sleep but today is my very nice day.

I voted! But I didn't do it until the end of the day. I slept okay last night. Dad was out in the living room and I was in my room. I woke up at 8:30 and got dressed. He had gone around the corner and have coffee. But he came back around 9. We spent the morning fixing stuff up in here. He fixed my window and the fence. And we talked about stuff. It was a nice morning.

It was pouring outside though. And so we decided we would go out to the county to have breakfast since I didn't really want to walk anywhere. We went to an IHOP. It was actually IHOP where I had a date earlier this year. Which was funny. And we had to wait for the longest time. We got there a little after 10:30 and we didn't get seed until 11. And the restaurant was empty. The waiting room was full. They were only seating people in like seven of the booths and nowhere else. And people are starting to get pretty angry. I texted James and he agreed with me that people are more likely to not be upset if they're sitting in seats rather than waiting with an empty dining room. So I don't understand the thought process there. But it seem like the wait staff and management were having some issues. But I wasn't that concerned we had plenty of time.

It was nice just sitting and talking to Dad though. We eventually got seated and I showed him some of my music but I've been listening to. And we got our food. Our waitress was very nice. And I'm just really glad he got to come visit me.

We drove out to Wildwood next so that he could see the school that I'm teaching at. And then we drove to where I had to get dropped off to go to work for training. We sat in the car for a few minutes and talk to. But I felt anxious about going inside so I just said that I was going to go. And he headed home. I am annoyed that he has not texted me that he got home safe. But I'm sure everything is fine.

It was a long day of training. First they asked us to be there at 1. But there was a whole bunch of drama and so we didn't start until after 2. But I do get to sit next to Marcus and talk about the cat. Who's drag name is apparently Mufasa. And apparently the cat is very scratchy but they're having good luck so far. They're just hoping that the roommates allergies settle out a little bit more before they can really make a decision but he says that he really likes the cat a lot. So I'm glad that's working. It was also Marcus birthday today so we had donuts for everyone so that was nice.

The first part of the training was cultural competency which was really enjoyable. We got to learn about how to best understand students and how we shouldn't make assumptions and how to be better about understand where they're coming from. The second half of the PD was weird. It was supposed to be a meeting for just the white teachers to talk about something. But then everyone felt uncomfortable with that idea so the girl who was supposed to read it kind of explained why we are doing it. And all of us kind of went around the room and talk about why the wording of how it was put in front of us made us uncomfortable. And we all kind of discussed how we can move forward. I've kind of felt bad for the girl because she had obviously put a lot of effort into program and we try to shut her down. And I would like to hear what she had to say but I don't think the way it was presented was the best way to go about it. There was good intentions but people were still hurt.

It was really nice meeting co-workers I haven't met before though. Teachers from the other sites. And it was nice being able to voice some of the things that I've been worried about. I was a little frustrated with the girl who is going to be leading the program because she kept saying that white teachers cause damage to students of color. And how she doesn't believe white teacher she even really be in the classroom with black children. And it just went around from Good Intentions to another form of segregation. Which I feel I see often in sjw communities online. Where the intentions are to be respectful and learn more. But it gets to a point where you treat people of color as other so much that you segregate us again. And make it so that we have to be afraid of each other in the long run. It just makes me crazy that we can't have a conversation where we can be honest but not have this white guilt thing that she was talking out both sides of her mouth about. Regardless. I'm glad the conversation happened and I do look forward to working with my co-workers and my students and learning more and being a better person. And a better teacher.

I was pretty exhausted after that honestly though. I wanted to just call the car and go home. But voting was very important to me and I decided that I would take the bus since it was just about to be coming anyway. The sun was going down and there was a rainbow and it's beautiful and the sunset was just so nice over the hill. And then my bus came and I went and voted. And my polling place was really nice. I got a snack bar at a sticker and a button. I gave the button to James.

I'm glad I was able to vote. I headed home after that and cleaned up and fed sweet pea. And then I went to James's house.

It's his DND night so I just gave him his next birthday present and hug him for a while. I got to meet two of his friends that I haven't met before. One of them didn't actually know, he's a friend of a friend in the group and it was his first night there. So I'm glad James is making friends and having a good time. I was only there for about an hour and then I decide to come back home so I could get cleaned up and rest.

I biked back here and took a bath. I wash my hair and I basically just been sitting on the couch watching videos with sweetpea since then. I was going to work on my studio but I just feel really beat up. I think I might go down for a few minutes and do some stuff after I get this posted but I really just want to go get in bed.

Tomorrow morning I'm going to go over to the thrift store in Fells Point and bother James wherever he's at. And then I'm going to work. Teaching Wildwood. It's another drawing day and I'm looking forward to it. I hope that the kids had a good weekend. Nice long a little break. I hope you all stay dry tonight and sleep well. Kiss all of your cats on their sweet little heads for me.

[hardyorange]

✨Productive morning afternoon journal✨

I actually did pretty well with going to bed on time last night and getting out of the house this morning for it being a Thursday, plus I definitely learned something about my energy levels throughout the day!

Let's start with how yesterday went:

✨ I did get my lesson plan translated into a half-sheet to present from and I finished the problems for the warm-up and mini-assessment on when to use which cosine double angle formula; I did most of this from 8:30 am-9:50 am and then a smattering approximately around 1:00 pm-1:30 pm; I still need to come up with the wrap-up practice problems and ten test questions

✨ after my 10:00 am-11:10 am class, I felt pulled in different directions, and ended up cleaning the litter boxes, finally unboxing the litter delivery from last week and putting it into its storage bins, and breaking down all the cardboard boxes in the living room; the living room feels much nicer to come home to now!

✨ around 1:00 pm I was able to shift gears and start making lunch, which is when I realized my chicken was still frozen solid; fortunately, it was two small pieces, so the bowl-of-hot-water trick worked perfectly while I waited on the rice to be ready; I made sauteed chicken cubes with bok choy and an improvised sauce over jasmine rice, which worked out four portions as I had hoped, so I containerized three of those for later

✨ I watched a Minecraft video while I ate, and was ultimately done around 2:45 pm; I realized then that I was completely out of energy! seven hours of sleep translated to about eight hours of productivity, which is not great but it is my reality so I had better plan around it

✨I ended up mostly looking at social media despite knowing that I wanted to go ahead and get ready for bed; I ended up lying down around 7:30 pm and I think falling asleep by 9:30 pm

That left me quite well-rested for today!

✨ I initially woke up at 5:30 am and decided to delay my first alarm to 6:30 am to not wake up grumpy after only thirty minutes of "napping"

✨ then, all of my messages started coming in; AWA is this weekend, so my two hotel roommates wanted to talk plans while one was on their train to work, so I didn't get out of bed until 7:10 am

✨ it took me a bit of doing to use the restroom and get dressed with my hair brushed without falling into scrolling social media, and I did pretty good! I was ready to make breakfast by 7:20 am

✨ fortunately, the Braves stole a base during last night's game, so taco bell was giving out free tacos with every order, and one of my roommates was going anyways so they brought me back the free taco because it had meat in it and they are mostly vegan, so I had that ready to go for breakfast, plus a banana and my black tea with brown sugar and milk, which I finished at 8:00 am

✨ I sill wasn't pulling out of the driveway until 8:20 am, but traffic wasn't too bad despite the rain so I made it to campus in plenty of time to get things set up on the board

Class went great! My lead teacher loved how I intro'ed the class and even used what I had set up as part of her lesson!

✨ after class, I tried to get gas, but the card readers were all down; I'll have to get it on my way to the convention hotel tonight, although I do only need a quarter of a tank

✨ I got home by 11:00 am, and it took me a bit to transition into getting lunch; I had my prepped meal ready to eat by 11:30 am

✨ at noon I had my weekly meeting with my boss and my boss's boss to talk about the paper we are writing together; I finished my part last week and it was time for my boss's boss to write some connecting pieces and the conclusion, but since she's department chair she didn't have time to even look at it, so we just established that, wished her luck, and logged off

✨ it's just past 12:30 pm I'm feeling close to the same way I felt yesterday: tired and struggling to feel motivated to even do things that I want to do, like pack for the convention, so I've started a pot of coffee and I'm going to do a quick walk on the treadmill and see if those two combined change anything

[allsystemsarenotgo]

“The Novel”

I've been needing to talk to somebody about something. Last night, somebody I don't talk to very often anymore was willing to give up some sleep to talk to me.

I gave them the abridged version. I knew they needed sleep and didn't have time for a novel.

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.

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Here is "The Novel".

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A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you've never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, ... At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life.....

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

I was an opinionated ass in high school that knew better but did the things anyways because I had nothing to really lose. Except I did lose alot of pride along the way.

I didn't like many things, and I didn't understand the decisions of many people. There are days that I wish I was still friends with people that I alienated or that alienated me because I didn't believe in drinking alcohol or having kids before college, or at a young age at all.

There are alot of days that I wonder....will I have to be find a lady 8-10 years younger than myself to love me for who I am...and potentially make them have kids at a young age so I'm not the age of their peers' grandpa's when they graduate?

^ That image was me in high school.

I never dated in high school. I courted and got shot down a ...couple... times. I didn't go to parties, I wasn't a part of the cool kids' clique. I didn't really....do anything high-schooley in high school.

And it got me bullied. My eccentricities made me well known. I was generally outspoken and firm on what I believed (no sex, no alcohol, scientifically agnostic) and...it basically made me live in infamy. It got me bullied alot. I was called gay and queer alot. And it wasn't just from 1 or 2 or 5 people.

I had 3 crushes in high school. Two were a grade younger than I.

The first I asked out my Sophomore year. We talked alot, sat next to eachother, did classwork together. We were both above-average students, so the teacher us let us do what we wanted while she dealt with the rest of the class.

That was really what entered me into the downward spiral of depression. I'd never asked a girl out before, much less been shot down. It took me a long time to get over that.

The second I asked out my junior year. We didn't have any classes together, but I had worked my way into her family via a mutual friend. I felt like we knew eachother fairly well.

Getting shot down by her didn't hurt as much as I thought it would. But given the nature of high school, the backlash of her friends and friends-of-friends, and probably half the school altogether...that is what hurt. It showed the true colors of many whom were already primadonna status, approaching it, or (falsely) thought they had it. She did apologize to me after a period of time, and ultimately, she probably made the better decision.

I never asked my third crush out. After being shot down twice in two years, I didn't want it to be three for three. I worked with her, and we got along awesome. Maybe not asking her was a fatal flaw in my life. I will never know. We have stayed friends over the years despite not seeing eachother until earlier this summer. I met up with her twice, and both times wrenched my emotions. I've since found out she is actually taken, which shot down my chance of ever knowing the true answer.

Then I finally went to college.

I went from a school of 450 kids in a town of 360 people to a dorm of 500+ kids in a college of 10,000+.

But I did not change with the scenery. I was still outspoken.

Neither of my roommates liked it.

Neither of my roommates liked me.

I was outspoken enough to write a persuasive essay on Abstinence for my college English class. I didn't see the problem.

Until the Prof said we had to read them aloud, after she had graded them.

Then I panicked. I crashed and I burned.

I felt so....little and insecure.

I wasn't one to force my thoughts on people. Yet, I just had.

Do you know how bad that feels inside?

Pretty damn bad.

One day, I got a message from a high school friend I hadn't talked to in a while. We started talking. In the end, she admitted she had a crush on me through high school and asked if we could give it a try. I was 1.5-2 hours away from home.

It was a hard juggle, but we made it work as best as somebody that'd never had a GF before much less a LDR could.

After a few months of LD dating and the start of my second year of college, a topic came up that would change the rest of my life mentally.

And something clicked in my head.

- What if this girl was 'the one'?

- What if something happened. Would I want to die a virgin?

- What if this doesn't work out. I'll always be the inexperienced one?

That last one hit me hard. There was no way around the fact. And for what I knew, I knew that being the lesser experienced would likely never be a good thing.

(10 years later, a friend put it perfectly....)

I convinced myself to break something that I had let run my life for the previous 10+ years.

I think it's safe to say that very few peoples' first time is "great". But it's a learning experience.

-learn-

-learn-

-learn-

Then we broke up after 9 months.

We rarely saw eachother, it couldn't be that difficult to get over right?

Wrong.

-sulk-

-lonely-

-stressed-

-imbalanced-

And...

-addicted-

I was broken. The fire inside of me had been lit, and nothing was putting it out.

I had a raging wildfire spreading within me within a few short weeks, and no way to control it.

I had just started a job at the school newspaper, running the website. I shared an office with the two graphic design artists. We were getting along pretty well and it was fairly evident that both of them were really relaxed and loose about what they wanted to talk about. I was the reserved one, sitting at my desk, listening with minimal contribution.

Until one day, I finally had the courage to chime in to their conversations. It didn't take much longer before I was in my second relationship.

I learned alot of new and different things during that 2.5 year relationship.

Example: telling her father about my shellfish allergy. It was good because he cooked alot of it. It was because he knew my weakness and made no secret that some things would easily justify using it against me.

I learned to get over my fear of public image. I was dating a woman almost twice my weight. When we first started...dating...I was petrified to be seen with/around her much less hold her hand. Over time that phobia subsided.

I learned that addiction comes in many forms. I spent many nights at her apartment, sometimes I went home and sometimes I didn't. Spending 4 hours a day with her at work and another 4-12 hours with her at her apartment...it got to the point that I missed her when I was away from her. I missed having her company, and I missed cuddling.

I learned that I'm very much a physical contact person. After all those years of being an only, lonely child...I wanted to give and receive physical touch.

She would print off a piece of artwork, I would lay on my stomach on her bed, and she would trace the outline onto my back, then start filling it in. That's usually when I would fall asleep. She would keep drawing as I slept, and eventually I would wake up.

As long as we were touching, I was happy. Sometimes I would lay on her, sometimes she would lay on me, sometimes we'd be side by side with a leg on the other.

I learned that calculated risks are worth calculating to the limit. And that mis-calculating is not fun.

I learned that parents are smart and figure out almost everything.

There was only one real issue and one hybrid issue with the relationship.

Both of us were mentally strained. I could not speak my emotions or feelings. I couldn't handle the 'adulting' conversations regarding the future. I couldn't explain when I was sad, mad, upset, or anxious in voice, only text. I couldn't "use my words". When scolded, I just wanted to ball up in a corner and cry. At the same time, both of our academics were on a downward spiral of death. She ended up dropping out completely and going back to junior college, I ended up changing majors twice and barely escaping with any pride left at all and a very expensive piece of paper that said "Bachelor of Science in Miscellaneous Bullshit". Okay, University Studies...but same thing.

The relationship had evolved far beyond what it had originally been intended to be.

It was supposed to be more of a cover-up for a FWB situation than an actual relationship. But we caught some sort of feelings, and....

.

.

I've been single since then.

It took a few years, but we still talk to eachother and are still friends.

But I miss the cuddles.

I miss the touching.

I miss being relaxed and falling asleep while being drawn on.

I miss...alot of things.

I had a few more crushes develop during college. Some I let go, some I got turned down on. At least none of them laughed at me. 

One of the ones that I let go...I reconnected with a couple months ago. I was going to ask her out...and I kinda did...only to find out that she was secretly in a relationship that hadn’t gone public yet. That was a pretty good kick to the twig and berries, knowing that I was just too late to the party. 

Once I learned about High Functioning Autism, alot of things made sense. I slowly learned better coping mechanisms. I learned to do more "normal" things like making eye contact.

My senior year of college, I met an awesome lady in my coding class. We got along great. She helped crack my shell. We went on walks, we played basketball, we played on pool tables, we played soccer. We sat on balconies and talked. We kind of...had a thing going. She was my only friend to attend my college graduation. We even took a picture together in my cap and gown (which I have tried many times to find. I'm guessing it was deleted....see below).

But we didn't. I wasn't allowed to hug her much less kiss her, even on the forehead (I wanted to...many times). I was barely allowed to hold her hand.

I got shot down. I felt like I was in a plane that was missing a wing and didn't have an ejection seat.

I plummeted into the ground and crashed and burned.

We stopped talking after that.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

I could say that about many friends that I have lost over the years.

I still don't know what exactly I did wrong.

That was 5 or 6 years ago. I honestly don't remember anymore.

That's how long I have been lonely.

That's how long it has been since I went on a date.

That's how long I have not been able to have an unweighted conversation.

Sure, I have seen my second ex a time or three. But it's not the same. That's not a date. That's not something to lead to the future.

I have a two best friends that I can talk about almost anything with. But I never see them. One lives two states away, the other lives several hours away (any other state besides Texas, and they'd be in another state).

They help. They give me a method to vent. But I am afraid of losing them.

I have lost 3 best friends in my life already.

One cut me out of their life as a birthday present to me after 4 or 5 years, my freshman year in the dorm.

One cut me out of their life after many conflicts over 7 years. We never met in person.

One cut me out of their life after I became a burden to them. We saw eachother on a regular basis, I even stayed at their house once after they tried to break my shell and I (mentally) collapsed into a puddle of goo. They also hurt me once by calling the police for a welfare check, and my parents got involved.

Of the two best friends I have managed to keep, the closer of the two has issues in their own life going on right now. I feel guilty and sad for even talking to them...they have asked that I limit interaction while they try to straighten out their own world. They have also called the police on my for a welfare check, and got my co-workers involved.

I already had a hard time making friends before. Anymore, it's hard for me to trust anyone at all.

I don't have any friends to go places with.

I'm always working my ass off (working 7 days a week these days, haven't had a real day of rest in months).

Social Anxiety says that I can't go anywhere alone. Plus I don't really trust myself alone, much less in a foreign Environment.

How am I supposed to meet a friend, when I work my ass off 7 days a week? When I don't know what resting is?

How do I elevate a non-existent friend to "More than a friend" status?

A child learns their name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

A pet learns its name by having it spoken to them repetitively.

When bullies call you gay and queer repetitively because you’ve never had a date much less a girlfriend in 12 years, … At some point you begin to believe it.

When that trend continues to a statistic of 3.25 years of relationship out of 30 years of life…..

You begin to question the things you ever thought you knew.

Sometimes I wish I was Ace.

Sometimes I wish I knew what I am.

Historically, I can be described as a smart, odd, minimally sarcastic ignoramus. But that is only my personality.

Am I straight? Am I gay? Am I bi? Or am I just hopeless?

Will I ever find love? Will I ever have kids?

Is there something wrong with me that revolts women away?

Will I have to find a woman 8-10 years younger than myself and cause her to have children at a young age to avoid being the age of their peers' grandparents at graduation? If I find a woman now, we date for 3 years, engaged for 1, married for 3, then have a kid...I'll be 37 when they are born and 55 when they graduate high school.

We're the bullies in high school right all this time? I don't want them to be. But what if they are? Or am I just that broken inside?

The things that I like/enjoy...they scare me a little. And that's coming from me. For years I have said I was a sapiosexual (turned on by intelligence rather than personality or looks)...but it never occurred to me, what if the gender lines do not in-fact exist? What if....

These are the questions that keep me awake at night.

These are the questions that feed my depression.

These are the scenarios that feed my anxiety, my trust issues, my loneliness.

These are the reasons that, more than anything....I will never turn down a hug.

Because a hug means you love and care about me.

And I need that reassurance.

But it feels good on the inside, too.

[s-therealme]

Complete turnover

So... It's been a fucking long time since I wrote something here. Like it doesn't matter much 'cause noone reads this anyway. Let's get in to a quick summary of the year and few months I've been dead here.

I have a boyfriend

I moved

We have a dog

I became an aunt

I resigned from my job

Yep, I have a boyfriend. And I'm fucking happy with him. It's not that guy I was crying about in the last post. That one was a stupid asshole. First he cried about his ex being a bitch to him and then he made a post where he tagged her:

"You're the only one who understands me :D :D :D"

It was because he sent me a message I didn't understand 'cause it was apparently some inside joke of theirs. He also stopped going to work because of his health issues. Then they fired him because he didn't bring the papers from the doctor. He didn't even try to contact me much and then at all. Hope he is happy with his you're-the-only-one-who-understand-me girl. Because I am happy as hell with my boyfriend.

We met at work. Yep, some boy from work, again. But let me start from the beginning. Our workplace hired around 30 foreigners, mostly Romanians, as cheap work force they can call anytime they need or send them home if there is nothing to do. I, as a person who has been on the project since almost the beginning and also because i knew english, was chosen as a 'teacher'. I got at first one old Romanian to teach him the stuff but then I got this cool looking guy with tattoos on his forearms, beard. His english was really good, so we kind of hit it of 'cause we could communicate with each other really good.

After few days I got a message on FB from someone i didn't know.

"Found you :D"

Then a month of subtle touches and wine dates began. Then he started sleeping over. Over first kiss started as a tickle fight in my bed before work. Couldn't stop thinking about it the whole shift. After this month of dates we made it official. And after another month he moved in with me. By the way, untill now he was living in horrible conditions at a hotel before he moved to my place.

We were living happily then my brother, the one I was living with, announced that they are expecting a baby with his now fiance. So... We started looking for a new place. Because he wanted to stay at that flat with his fiance and we had to get out.

We got lucky because there was one flat free in the same building but it was huuuge. So a roommate hunt began. Started asking at work and one guy who started at the same time as me looked interested. With him, his old roommate came too. But we needed 2 more.

Me and my boyfriend left to Romania for 2 weeks, we still kept looking for flatmates but it was hard. Because of that we decided that we will pay for two rooms next to each other, other two rooms will be occupied by my colleague and his roommate and the last one will stay locked by the owner untill we find someone.

Fast forward to now, it's been a year and two months of our relationship. We have a 7 month old pupper. We live in the room that was initially locked because we found two more flatmates. And I resigned from my job 3 days ago 'cause the project I'm on is ending and I don't want to work under a group of lying and thieving bastards anymore.

And we may move to our place in summer. Woohoo, no more flatmates that are fucking loud while..... fucking (my colleague got a girlfriend).

The End!

Finally, you might say :D