#so I'm willing to give out my url in good faith just not out in the open.

[momentsofamber]

By the way, my main tumblr is a fandom blog so it has a personal sideblog and that side blog is also attached to this one here.

I'm not going to post the url publicly, because it has my actual name and other blogs linked on it, but if we're mutuals there's a chance that blog may show up in your notes / may already be in your notes.

If you're someone who is wary of unknown blogs in your notes you can dm me for that url and I'll give it to you there!

I just don't want to post the url publicly because unfortunately my main blogs have a stalker who has been harassing me since late last year ( this person won't go after the people I reblog from, they're only interested in me for defending a long-time friend of mine from them because they ran my friend off tumblr altogether with their nonsense ).

[kiefbowl]

Would you elaborate on why you don't ID as radical feminist? Is it the ideology or the label?

sure, a little bit. for one, I don't feel I've done enough work, either actively or through reading, to call myself that for one thing. You could go back through my blog from years ago and probably find younger me much more willing to use the term radfem on myself indiscriminately, but younger me was also engaging online in unhealthy ways and although I think I always engaged with feminist posts in good faith and was never lying, I definitely found a foothold on "radblr" (which I only use in quotes bc it's not a very well defined space) that I learned how to "game" for attention during my early twenties at a time I was really unhappy and struggling to find fulfillment in my life. And by saying that, I'm not trying to repent anything or even be overly critical of myself, I think that behavior online is common for younger people, and there's an addictive quality to tumblr. The point is, you can be savvy and learn the parlance of humor quickly, bang out posts to get attention, then feed off the praise and attract, what should we call them...crazy clowns? you can attract some crazy clowns that give you more material to work with, rinse repeat etc. I want to be honest about that time in my life with myself, be reflective, and say to myself "okay, I learned a lot then, I made mistakes, I wasn't always honest with myself...now I'm an adult and I get to treat this part of my life even more seriously" with "this part of my life" being intellectual feminism, not tumblr. I'm willing to see myself as a neophyte on certain topics much more comfortably than when I was 22 or 23 or 24, and do so publicly. Well, maybe I've never called myself a neophyte publicly before, and I can probably give myself a little more credit than that, but in any case I had to check my ego and in doing so ended up shedding the "online radfem" identity and persona.

This shift in perspective began to happen when I changed from @aawb to @kiefbowl, which wasn't something I was entirely aware of. When I made the change, I had put myself into a short but dangerous fling with a man who used meth. This man sexually assaulted me several times (doubt he released it), and then some intense drama happened around him and my job, and truly I just fell apart emotionally and mentally. It wasn't the first time I had been in a dangerous relationship with a man and sexually assaulted, but it was the first time I had seen first hand what meth addiction looks like (and sometimes it's boring, and sometimes it's very intense and scary), and it was the first time I was able to contextualize it differently due to exploring feminism. With that contextualization, I was able to re-evaluate so many previous experiences that were less intense but still assault. I spent many years on tumblr championing abused women, speaking to abused women, telling everyone it could be any one of us, the same tunes I sing now, but I had still been some-how blind that all this included me. The brain is strange. While in my despair and crisis, I realized "I really am just a young woman, I don't know anything." I was able to shed my forced certainty for curiosity.

It was also around this time the cluster B gang (seriously can't remember their URLs now) was in full swing and then had a big fall. I can't remember the details, I just remembered feel sour about it. I think I was just ready to grow up. Growing up is slow but I was ready to say "ah fuck it I don't know" and build from there, a bit of a clean slate sort of I guess. Less pressure to know everything and accept studying feminism takes time, dedication, like any other intellectual pursuit.

Hope that helps.

[melodyplucked]

[ 🎵 ] is there a specific song or songs you associate with your muse? why is that?

honestly, there are a lot... in their own ways... but i'll give you three rn because... why not... i am ALWAYS happy to talk about songs i relate to ricky bowen haha.

smoke slow by joshua bassett-

in the whole like- "she holds my guitar as i pluck out a melody" aka the basis for my url... and the like- musician ricky and the Closeness he craves and the way music plays such a big role in his emotions... but akso like- just- "take your time while you're mine..." and his abandonment issues tm and how he's scared of anyone he loves leaving... and that feeling of like- holding on tight but- knowing this could be all he ever really gets... and being willing to take what he can get even when he knows deep down it's gonna hurt...

sk8er boi by avril lavigne...

in a few ways tbh- even beyond just- obviously he's a skater boy... and i tbh should get into that aspect of things more bc idk if i've written out that headcanon on this blog before about his competitive days or not... because that Was a thing for my ricky... and not one i talk about too much bc- musician!ricky is a big part of my thing... but like "he was a skater boy..." and then "but now he's a superstar, slamming on his guitar, does your pretty face see what he's worth" and just ... the whole aspect with ricky of how he's CONSTANTLY put down and either devalued or underestimated... like "no profitable skills" and like- "you can't zefron your way into this one" and how they all act like he's shit and doesn't deserve anything he gets... but- he grows up to BE SOMEONE and that whole aspect of my ricky's character just !!! means a lot. ricky's not particularly ambitious but- he wants to be loved gosh darnit.

brutal by olivia rodrigo

this song gives me ricky vibes- which is kinda funny because it's a liv song... but- ricky would love it... and relate to it v much so... and like- while i'm not necessarily going to point out certain lyrics exactly rn... just- the generalized... lack of faith from others... and ricky's anxiety and depression... and just- everyone's disappointed in him but they also expect him to do the things but he's never gonna get praised because he didn't deserve it anyway... and just- what's there to enjoy? when his mom left and no one who's supposedly his friend actually supports him. i'm so sick of seventeen and where's this whole "the best years of my life" aspect gonna actually kick in. because high school is kinda sucking... he's doing his best out here your honor. even if it's not good enough for anyone else... where is the youth he's supposed to be enjoying?

[firelxdykatara]

Hello! I say this in the kindest way possible, but can you please provide evidence that theowelspeaks is a terf? I'm a black zutara shipper and for years have really felt shoved by the fandom and it hasn't been my safe space. But YOUR blog and you made me feel better. I'm not in your discord but you're being accused of racism. I don't follow the owlspeaks and wanna support you but if you're being accused of racism why are you calling someone a terf?

Can you please show where they are a terf? I'm only asking this because I really REALLY love you and I support you. And if they are a terf, you need to provide evidence. It is heavily suspicious when a person of color calls out a white woman on racism and you don't address the accusations but just call them a terf. I want to support you I really do because you made me feel comfortable in the fandom, but I need to see concrete evidence that they're a terf. Never mind, I saw the whole situation and honestly I'm disgusted I ever follow or looked up to you. You're literally no different from other racist white shippers. I think there went my love for zutara.

I'm going to take this at face value--not that, on any real level, I actually believe you were a follower of mine or did anything close to due diligence, because if you were or had then you would know that I never actually called that blogger a terf--and answer as respectfully as I can. Mostly because I want anyone who has genuine issues with anything I've said or done to know that despite whatever's going around about me right now, I am willing to listen to criticism if it comes from a place of good faith.

(You can think whatever you want about my insistence on 'good faith', but the fact is that I have weathered being slammed with accusations of pedophilia and other horrible things over differences in headcanon of shit like character ages or writing a fic set years post-canon because I felt like it, right down to the insistence that I'm a horrible racist because of my url, so no. I'm not going to listen to someone slinging slurs and buzzwords in my inbox just because they claim to be a poc. And before that sets anyone off, the slurs I'm talking about are aimed at my queerness. I do not consider being called racist or a white bitch or whatever slurs, because they aren't.)

First of all, once again, I never called that blogger a terf. You can easily read my post about them for yourself and see that--ctrl+F for the term 'terf', and you will not find it. Why? Because I called them out on peddling radfem rhetoric, (which they are) not for being a terf. All terfs are radfems--it's in the name--but not all radfems are terfs, although all radfem rhetoric is exceptionally harmful to queer people in general, and queer poc more than most, as is the nature of intersectionality.

Anti-kink rhetoric, and the insistence that some kink is inherently harmful and that no one could legitimately have these kinks or fetishes without being mentally ill or traumatized, is radfem rhetoric. That's where it comes from, that's where it leads to, and I'll be honest here, 'radfem' is not an identity label. It's an ideology. You do not get to parrot core tenets of that ideology and then claim to not be a radfem. That simply isn't how this works.

Furthermore, I have no idea who the person behind theowlspeaks blog is. I will take them at their word that they are not white, but that doesn't exactly narrow things down--and considering the fact that they chose to put me on blast for their small but dedicated ring of followers rather than actually coming to me personally first about any of this (their blog is very obviously a burner, and it wouldn't have been that difficult to approach me since I've only ever turned anon off once, for one night to give myself some breathing room, and otherwise my asks and DMs have always been open), I have no reason to actually care about what they're saying. But I point out the lack of knowledge of their identity because a) they didn't even reveal themselves as not white until.... yesterday? or something, when they were directly asked about it, and b) trying to frame this as 'white woman accused of racism calls person of color a terf' is... disingenuous at best given the fact that I have been calling them a radfem (which they are) since well before they posted that screenshot and my name wound up on their blog, so you got the order of events just a little backwards.

I blocked them initially because of the radfem rhetoric they were peddling about kink and fetishes, and I have the right to establish that boundary. This blog is for me, it is my space, and I do not have to expose myself to views I find gross or harmful just because they dress it up in faux-woke terminology and try to pretend they actually care.

If they cared about real people more than the fictional characters they are so adamantly 'protecting', then they wouldn't have brushed off the actual racism (from one of their followers--they're more than happy to blast me without any evidence, but that's hardly out of the ordinary for people like that) that was brought to their attention by refocusing the discussion on the fake people who literally can't be hurt by any of this because they don't exist. They wouldn't be ignoring the two woc who chose to contact them and tell them why they made the choices they did regarding both the discord and the smut week event, while being perfectly happy to platform anons who may or may not be who or what they say they are.

I, for one, am not going to apologize for caring more about real people than fictional characters. I'm not going to apologize for thinking it's absolutely ludicrous to pretend that fiction is somehow harmful just by existing, especially when it's appropriately tagged so that anyone who finds the content harmful can avoid it. I'm not going to back down from these opinions just because a handful of people have apparently decided I'm a horrible person because of it. And I'm certainly not going to apologize for thinking it's despicable that someone who was not involved in the conversation chose to leak out of context screenshots rather than privately contacting any of the people involved or even going to any of the mods, before going right to an anonymous blog. You may not care about me or my mental health, but I had panic attacks because of that leak--not because I said anything untoward in that screenshot, not because I've ever said anything in that discord that I wouldn't happily stand behind on my blog, but because I no longer felt safe. And I am not going to bare my trauma to a complete stranger to justify that lmfao.

So, like, think what you want to. I'm pretty sure that blogger is getting high off of the drama they are creating, none of which would actually have happened or been any real issue if more people were able to think, gee, maybe this work that is tagged with things I don't want to read about is not for me! Maybe I shouldn't read this piece, since it would probably upset me, and there's plenty others around for me to consume! I do not trust that blogger's intentions. I do not trust that they actually give a shit about any real people, or they wouldn't have posted an out of context screenshot of... literally nothing tbh, when they had no right to and are now protecting the identity of the person who leaked them instead of giving a shit about any of the real people in that space who no longer feel safe because we aren't sure who we can't trust.

But you've already made up your mind, and I can't change that. I genuinely hope you have a nice life, and find fandom spaces more suited to your tastes.