#so I'm stuck with online for now
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wait so does that mean you'll end up with 600 copies of book 2 total????
yes (grimacing emoji)
yeah, I ordered 300 of each book cause I sold 150 of each, and I figured I would sell probably 150 more once the series returns from hiatus and I can advertise to the majority of my audience...
Plus, with 4 books, that makes 600 books in my apartment! I have room for 600 extra books.
And, the amount it costs me to get 100 books if I sell out of one is a couple dollars more per book, but the profits from my previous sales will cover a reprint with no issues!
so I mathed it out really well between the space in my apartment and costs and everything and then I got 300 extra books that were wrong HAHA
all good though! since they're "free" for me due to the printer replacing them, I can sell them at a reduced cost without issue. As long as I actually can get them out of my apartment eventually... 300 books is a LOT!!! I still have copies of my 100-200 print runs of earlier first comics...
#thanks for asking haha#I like talking about business stuff a lot#I really enjoy math and everything and it was a lot of fun planning out all these little intricacies of my kickstarter#buuuut yeah this is a bit stressful...#its just so many books#and its not like I've got a publisher or anyone to be helping me move them#so. RUH ROH#all good though#I'm hoping to get into a con soon so I can actually sell some of these books off there#but I havent gotten in anywhere!!! augh#they keep waitlisting me...#asks#anon#so I'm stuck with online for now
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why are you and your drawings so cool 😭🙏
afdsasdfasg thank you !! irl ppl would laugh at me being called cool lol - Have a ghoap as thanks <33
#ask#chloe-is-slightly-epic#ghostsoap#doodle#i'm trying to get better at letting myself be a bit more open online#a bit more uncool if you will#im an anxious perfectionist so a lot of art and posts end up in drafts forever#like this sketch i drew..... 4 months ago#hope you all wont mind if I start posting a bit more#unfinished work like sketches or fic snippets#Im constantly making stuff and writing but I just dont post#womp womp anxiety#so yeah decidedly uncool but im happy you like my art :')#btw if youve ever sent an ask or asked a question that i've never answered... yeah its probably in my drafts because i got stuck on somethi#and then forgor#and now its been so long that it feels weird to reply#sorry!! I super appreciate everyone who take the time to write
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Hiii, i love your stuff and kinda from a distance really look up at you for, in my perception, being able to express yourself without giving a fuck. Thats sick dude, Im so so afraid, of absolutely everything, its nice to think like i might grow into someone less apologetic of my existence. Nice to see people just being yknow
hey, thank you, this is really really nice. the secret that is probably not a secret is that i am also deeply afraid a lot of the time lmao -- but less than i used to be, and in ways that feel less stifling and self-suffocating, if that makes sense.
like, it used to be "i'm scared that if i express myself the way i want to, everyone will find me obnoxious, so let's just sand those edges down to be safe" -- now my fears are more like "now that i'm expressing myself in a way that feels natural and real, i'm afraid that it's all stupid/vapid/not worthwhile or meaningful" (<- specifically abt my art) or "i'm happy that i talk and act the way i want to now, but what if it makes me impossible to befriend," etc etc etc. which still feels bad and puts me in a funk a lot of the time but at least it's a fear that comes After/in reaction to doing stuff, rather than a fear that STOPS me from doing stuff, you know? like, it's evolved into a kind of fear that's less in my way.
anyway. i believe you'll experience something like this, because wanting to grow is the first step of growing. the fact that u hope or wish for something different means you're already on your way. to fewer fucks!! or at least distributing the fucks u give in a way that serves u better
#stuff like accepting that i'm reserved and i'm not very accessible via messages.#or that my online tone isn't very bubbly and it's weird and uncomfortable to force it.#i stop letting fears about that shape my behavior ('i'll look mean or snotty so let's force markers of Friendliness to avoid that!!') -#- and instead act the way i want to and then trade it in for new fears that come After the action.#also a good reminder to give urself is that if ur fear is abt how other ppl perceive u (as 90% of mine is personally)#u really... can't actually control that. and being very very anxious abt it all the time is usually ur brain throwing a tantrum abt not--#--having that control. bc it is understandably very scary that u don't have that control#as much as it sucks + is terrifying the truth is the only thing u can do is ask urself 'am i behaving in a way that i'm proud of'#'am i behaving in a way that's in alignment w my values + what i think is important'#bc if the answer to that is yes and somebody hates u or is deeply offended by ur existence anyway. well. literally not ur problem#but obv being at peace w that is way way easier said than done + requires tons of practice and will take. probably. years. which is fine#i am stuck with myself. i can either contort myself forever trying to be someone everyone will like and find totally nonthreatening and-#inoffensive and in the process exhaust myself totally and never feel safe or natural myself. OR#i can say okay. so i am a kind of prickly guy with stern and drab speech patterns and close to no social energy. and i think i can still be#-sexy and fun this way. and it is up to other ppl to figure out if they can agree w me on that#ANYWAY enough rambling for now. just another one of those things i think abt a lot so i have a lot of ready-made sentences abt it in mind
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#so i think this is the first time within memory that i've had both a depressive episode and an extended anxiety attack happen simultaneous#like i've had them happen individually but i fear they are combining in bad ways#i've had some shit from four ish years get triggered recently and it's good cause i need to work through that#but that started a depressive episode that may have started a couple months ago and has slowly been culminating to the past week#and then some shit is happening with a person i care about so that's started an anxiety thing#which is terrible cause usually i just dissociate if there's anxiety or activate the adhd hyperactivity if there's depression#but now i can't do either so im stuck#and also i'm very burnt out rn#so i've literally just been in my bed except for things i Have to do Or I'll Die Or Get Kicked Out Of School#like i think i would not get up if the fire alarm went off rn genuinely#anyway yeah if you see me online more that's why#i'm sure i'll be fine i'm just figuring out what's going on#personal
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I played some Alicia online again and I just had to draw another armor set, twin drawing to this one. I also decided to include my favorite animal companion cause I love her
#I don't know why the background is so abstract it just came out that way#also there's something wrong with the horse's face#I do not know what but I can see it and I can't fix it#I used a reference and still think horses are super hard to draw#but the armor was super fun to draw#it's always the best part for some reason#also I really love this snake#In alicia online you have to finish some quests to unlock the incubator you can use to hatch your animal companions#but I started playing before they introduced that and had some animals when the quest updated and I lost the incubator I got stuck with the#animal I had with me at the moment - the snake#I'm so emotionally bonded with that snake she's been with me for like 2 years now since I cannot change her and I don't think I want to#she's so cute#she has a little flower bud on her head and tail#art#alicia online#snake#horse#cinnamon's doodles
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damn. this is genuinely the only space on the internet where I feel completely at peace.
#this sounds like such a FIRST WORLD PROBLEM but i've genuinely been having so many issues being online post-green day#my world kind of exploded and idk how to handle it#like my face is EVERYWHERE it's actually extremely overwhelming but i know this 5 minutes of fame is stupid and vain and won't last forever#plus i feel like i took too long of a break on my fandom blog and now idk what to do with myself there#i was never really good at fandom and it lowkey feels like tumblr fandom has migrated to discord#which is :/ because i don't have the spoons for that it's so fast paced and triggers my anxiety way too much#and i don’t have the brain power or motivation for any of my wips so it’s just. UGHHHHHHH#i’m barely free anymore since work has a chokehold on my life and when i am free i get too anxious to be online so i’ve just been a wreck :(#so IDK i guess this is all to say: thank you to the folks who stuck around on this account for my louis <3#i don't expect to be around much this month what with all the Spooky Season festivities but this acct is the best place to find me for now#*【 ❛I'm not the spirit of any age. ❜ 】 ➤ OOC
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I had a dream about me being in a collab cover with some guy from good omens and two other ppl xD we sang overmaster from idolmaster and I was pretty young (around the time I started covers sooo 11-12??)
Weird tho idk anything about good omens I've never watched the show nor do I plan to—at least the cover got popular bcz the guy from good omens was in it BAHAHEJA
#also in the dream it's completely unrelated but one of my friends online were super nice to me!#we have this server together (not in the dream like irl)#and in the dream I was apologizing for not talking in it as much and they were all like#“it's completely fine don't worry about it!! your covers are super amazing and I understand you're busy!! ^^”#IT WAS SOO SWEET I WANTED TO CRYYYY#oh yea also in the dream there was this video about the cover that came out abt good omens guy being hashtag EXPOSED for some stuff#so ahem#but I was cool tho <3 (probably because I was.yk a child)#kinda odd thing is right when I woke up one of my tumblr mutuals dmed me about a collab another one of my mutuals were doing#and I'm ngl I thought I was still in the dream for a minute but NOPE this is real life!#it's not a cover collab it's an art collab but I still thought it was funny and cool#ANYWAYZ no more beddy bye for me!! I'm staying awake!!!!#*goes honk shoo 10 secs later*#alr I'm probably gonna listen to overmaster on repeat now that song has been stuck in my head since I woke up..for obvious reasons xD
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Me panicking because i have 9 missed calls and 5 emails talking about my absence and how "a colleague could take over for me" vs. Me knowing it's really not that important no matter how pushy a client is and that on top of it I'm underpaid and have way to much overtime so i shouldn't even care
#i have 14 hours overtime#collected within 2 weeks lol#you know how it's apparently mandatory for companies in germany to have a way track employees working time? yeah we're#the only company in the whole fucking country who doesn't do that (obviously that's not true there's probably plenty more but it's#still not right.) so we don't get paid overtime nor does it get acknowledged in any way#so technically we're not allowed to even it out (which most people try to do anyway because tf do they think they are asking us to work for#free) but I'm dedicated to not collect any more unpaid working hours so i take the liberty to leave work early this week#so today i left at 12pm (and then got home 4 hours later because another person decided to kill themselves by train. they should call me#first. or anyone else taking the train. I'm sure there'd be plenty of volunteers to do the killing if it means not another miserable day#stuck in a disgusting train). and i logged in again at 6pm today to see if i have anything important messages (stupid i know)#and i saw the missed calls and that there had been an email exchange with me in the cc talking about the 'changes' made in one of the#articles and that someone else could do that for me since i couldn't be reached and at first i felt ashamed and scared#but now it's honestly just pissing me off. that asshole can't write emails and communicate requests like normal people can he#he already called me last week about something completely stupid and acts like his matters are the most important shit in the world#fuck you if you can't wait one day you should have sent this a month earlier because i won't stay online everyday#just to see if there might be an 'important' change you want me to make Immediately. bitch.#also missed two calls from my colleague but she didn't send any messages about what she wanted so i asked her because i felt bad for not#being online and turns out she wanted Nothing. just hear how i was. JUST TEXT ME THEN???? I HATE IT HERE FUCK YOU#seriously i don't get paid enough for this to bother me so much. she probably gets 12-15€ more than me per hour#of course she doesn't care about her overtime as much as i do. i get minimum wage which is less than what I'd get if i still worked at uni#as a student assistant so fuck this shit it's really not important or worth it. from now on i'll only put in minimum effort too#sorry got carried away. rant over now i guess#void screams#work stuff
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2023 was the worst year of my life. not sure what's to come or where to start but i know things have to change, i have to fix things somehow
#i haven't been very active online#last june i experienced something traumatic and i'm stuck in an environment in which i cannot heal#plus chronic pain has inhibited my life to a devastating degree#so all i've done these past months is sink further and further into a sadness and emptiness and pain i can't describe#it's scary to look in the mirror at somebody entirely unrecognizable. i feel hollow and devoid of any traits#i feel i've lost everything that made me 'myself'#lost my family. lost my health. lost myself. lost all the things i cared about once#i don't think i can ever return to the person i was before. so i have no option but to start anew#i need to stop being so terribly nostalgic for the things i can never get back#i can't keep clinging onto broken shards#honestly i know deep down that holding on to the hurt has never served me. and i doubt it ever will#but i'm scared to let go. scared of what will take its place. scared of what i'll find.#i don't think i can heal here#so i'm just enduring. but it's scary how time keeps passing. i've been so dissociated and none of this feels real#i feel so hopelessly lost and trapped and behind. i'm 23 now but it feels so wrong#✩
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Old man summer
#out of story#emet s. galvus#look at him go!#fuck it up grandpa#tw spider#I wanted some artifacts to decorate his study but all the ts4 artifacts are ugly in comparison to the ts3 ones 😣#I would play ts3 rn but for some reason my lag is so bad and none of the solutions online are helping much#And I do mean NONE#So I'm stuck with ts4 for now#Anyways look at his little gay ass shorts I love him
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Sometimes I feel an urge to apologize to everyone who I interacted with in any way around like. 2020 and before then.
#part of it was me being young and very eager to talk to people and belong in a community but also no doubt very awkward about it all#to this day i don't know what is proper etiquette when talking to people online but i'm pretty sure i'm much better at it now#the other part is that during 2019-2020 i was stuck with a very toxic friendship that made all my anxieties much worse#and i worry that might have come accross in the way i talked to people#so again if we ever talked before then and i was weird. i am so sorey
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A hard pill for me to swallow lately has been that, despite everything, I'm probably the best version of myself that could've existed. And that's not really a comforting thought.
#it's a special kind of doomed imo.#every other path most likely led to something worse#maybe it's pessimistic to think of it that way. maybe I should be more grateful that it isn't worse#but it's hard to find that within me atm#the best of bad outcomes doesn't mean good. it doesn't mean I'm happy.#it just means every other option would have been more miserable. and it's disheartening to think like that ofc#and I know the logic is flawed. but I know myself and even with the advantages I have I'm unable to make anything of myself#had I chosen differently it would only be worse. I'd still be impoverished. I'd still be depressed.#I might just also be stuck in a cult and married w kids in the middle of fucking nowhere wisconsin on top of it all#<- that's the worst case scenario. probably. really hard to say#biggest bullet I've dodged yet tho. completely unintentionally too.#another hard pill to swallow: sometimes the things we want the most WILL ruin your life and it's a blessing when it falls through#unfortunately you don't get to know this until years later#as you watch your ex best friend marry a man almost 2x her age and birth kids she never wanted into this world#and then you're like OHHHH that would've been my fate... I get it now 😐#still. there's no relief in the realization because while you would've been miserable w a shitty husband and 3 or 4 kids#you are in fact still miserable without them. but oh well.#I would say 'anyways. I just need to go to the beach.' but honestly. I haven't felt the desire to do anything at all lately.#we're past the point of letting the sand and waves heal me. we're almost past the point of needlessly venting online!#there's so much I usually would vent about here but I have hardly had the urge to do so.#I'm just tired. life has drained me dry. my heart aches constantly and I barely know why
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The awesome thing about college is that being there is miserable, and not being there is worse.
Nifty!
#I might be going back to college in September and man. I might just quit lmao#I did engineering courses before and that was genuinely the worst over ever felt in my life#I would genuinely have panic attacks and leave every day#But I couldn't just leave the course because I'd feel like a failure#Which didn't matter anyway cause I failed the course lmao#My new course is business shit and I feel like I'm gonna get stuck in a course I hate again#Technically I was good at business. But that was only because it was continues assessment and my teacher wasn't that good.#Fuck dude#Vent#Yeah this is a vent post if you hadn't figured that out#I just had an interview there and apparently my course has an online class once a week#I might quit for that alone cause I can't fucking stand those#But also I don't wanna work at dunnes for 20 years and then die#But also also I can't work part time and go to college so that means no money#Yeah fuck this lmao#Delete later#Fuck it I've got a drawing tablet now. I'm becoming a full time inflation artist or something. I hear that's good money#Thinking about it more I already struggle with self worth or whatever#And I fucking hate annoying businesses bros so becoming one might make me actively hate myself
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I HATE APPLE!!!!!!! IM GOING TO KILL STEVE JOBS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!
#im so annoyed it's my first actual day off in a long ass while and i was out the door running errands#and i updated my phone today because i had a bunch of apps that wouldn't work til i updated like depop and shit#so i was like okay it's my day off im doing errands and cleaning anyways lets update my phone#and now tell me why it's stuck in SOS only mode with no service#and NONE of the fixes i've found online are working#now instead of running errands in the gorgeous weather on my day off#i'm at my desk texting my dad and trying to fix this thing ):#like girl..... why do updates always make iphones Worse
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haha ok so i finally got around to reading that old writing i had been looking for yesterday and haha. wow.
yeah this is. Old WritingTM huh.
#rambles#i know i said i'd maybe post it but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i'm gonna have to. hard pass on that one now that i've actually read it sdlkf#i may still incorporate it into razor's story tho 🤔#just kinda passing references here and there#i feel it's not uncommon to have a world-traveler for a minecraft oc right#so maybe i'll just have this be part of his backstory (sortof- like maybe swapping out a name or two)#except it does heavily rely on like sword art online plot of like a real person getting stuck in a game so i'm not sure what to do with tha#hm. i could keep some elements of it at least
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Aspect of Order: Primordial & Present-Day
One of the first deities, part of what is known as the Primordial Triad. It created the planes alongside the Aspects of Chaos and the In-Between and held dominion over the Material Plane. It embodied order in the way nature has order: the life cycle, gravity, the tides, the surety that the seasons will change, the patterns that appear in flora and fauna alike, the symmetry of pinecones and butterflies. It was associated with the night as a time of quiet preparation where the world rests, and when one can see the remains of creation in the darkened sky. It is said that the two moons of the Material Plane are its eyes, watching over its creations.
All three members of the Primordial Triad are referred to with "it", so ancient and unfathomable that applying a mortal, transient concept of gender to them seemed almost blasphemous.
Almost.
The modern-day conception of Order is quite different. Though she still reigns over the night and natural laws, her followers have placed her at the forefront of the creation process, reducing the In-Between's role and rejecting Chaos altogether. Though most present-day cultures think of her in this way, many of them do not emphasize her: she is an invisible Over-God, keeping the other deities and forces in line and maintaining cosmic balance from behind the scenes. In places where she is worshipped heavily, however, she is placed at the forefront of the pantheon. In those cases, worship of deities with overlapping domains is either illegal (ex local gods of justice) or considered secondary to her (ex the god of the Wilds). The worship of smaller, local deities is usually discouraged or suppressed over-all in these areas in order to encourage a more structured, uniform religious practice. While both aspects of Order championed paladins, Primordial Order also championed druids and rangers while Modern Order champions clerics.
Ancient theologians debated whether or not Order and Chaos were two aspects of the same being (ironically, there was no question that the In-Between was its own separate force). However, following the iconoclasm that effectively forced Chaos out of the pantheon and created the modern conception of Order, such lines of thought were considered heretical, and then blasphemous.
The iconoclasm did have an unintended consequence, however. Crying motifs appeared in some art of Primordial Order around that time, particularly in the areas that resisted the iconoclasts more intensely. Some scholars believe that it may have been a direct reaction to the event: Order mourning the loss of its counterpart. Others have argued, however, that the lack of such motifs (or equivalents) in depictions of the In-Between prove this wrong. After all, why would it not also be grieving?
#irredeemed project#<- the working tag for this for now#i've been working on this project off & on for a couple years now#and the primordial triad has had a chokehold on me the entire time#i dont have names for any gods but the in-between (i think i'm gonna keep erasmus)#because i'd gotten stuck and wanted a clean slate. if i name a deity i feel like it has to have a solid form of some sort#and not all of them will#i'm not doing these in any sort of order. i have two other pages done#one of them is for a goddess that i've also been turning around in my head this entire time#i dont have many of the actual historical events fleshed out or any plot points for the 'present day' of the world#so stuff is going to be vague for a moment#i fucking. love the idea of writing/drawing about the world from the perspective of the people who are in it#so historical eras/distinct art movements across time & cultures/theological debates that people disagree on#and how that last thing works when the gods are undeniably & obviously real in some way#im sure the 'right' answers came through in this but that's okay b/c it's just to get my thoughts out of my head lol#worldbuilding#my art#character art#brainstorming#fantasy worldbuilding#my post#worldbuilding project#fantasy pantheons#the mortifying ideal of being known (talking about a creative project online)#hopefully this makes sense and isn't too silly lol
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