#so I will try to bury it with a bunch of random reblogs so hopefully only you see it

[yveni]

YVE opened discord for the first time in daysss and just saw your shrimp!!! SHRIMPTIVITIES 🦐🦐🦐 if you don’t mind me talking a lil in your inbox ehheh:

So the past week or so i was on a (barely) sm break (it IS hard) with not as much attention on focusing on my r/ship w god as i would have liked 🙃🙃 for context i was a lot more dedicated to it until halfway through last year when I had these major exams, like the results i would be needing for uni apps, and I slacked on my routine and haven’t been able to restart it since :((( I made it my New Year’s resolution to get back to it and it worked rlly well the first week! But then i fell sick and kept falling into a spiral of guilt (that I only asked Him for things like good grades or watching over my family ie a connection based on convenience) and hopelessness (cuz i started to feel like I couldnt rlly feel His presence in my life anymore) and now it’s Feb :/

but anyways recently I had this terrible fight w my parents and when I went to my room I tried to meditate a little to connect with Him but I was just too agitated and tired so I went to bed just holding my rosary (not exactly that, but the rosary equivalent in my religion) cuz I was so emotionally drained and I missed Him SO so much, and my dad came in a while later to apologise/smooth things over. this NEVERR happens and maybe it’s a coincidence but in that moment it felt like He was taking care of me again (not that He ever stopped) and I felt so so grateful and also a little terrible for ever thinking that He’d abandon me

JANDKSLLS im so so sorry this turned out so long I didn’t mean to get this emotional HEHEHE so you can ignore it if you’re not interested! I’ve just never rlly met anyone outside of my family who took religion as seriously as I did and I think i got a bit too excited shsnkdkd

anyways how have you been!! Anything fun happen recently? Did you go for the Jan 27 meetup/will you be going for any of the other ones?

-discord anon 👻

Hello !!

First of all, I do not mind getting long messages, it’s actually really touching that you think of me to talk to about stuff 🫶🏽

I think it’s great that you’re making efforts to get closer to God, cause trust me, I have felt exactly the way you described (missing Him so much it hurts and feeling distant/guilty about only asking Him for things), and I believe God responds to that. I’m not sure exactly which religion you have, but I think everyone knows I’m Christian, and lately in my bible studying, I have found so much scripture reaffirming the fact that God does see me, and I’m glad you felt reminded about that too. It’s so awesome how much He really does love us.

I hope everything is good with school and your parents and stuff !!

Oh and I did not go to the January 27 meetup, I wish I did lol but I am broke, and for the same reason I probably will not be going to any future meetups (at least for this year). Everyone had so much fun though and I had so much fun seeing all the pics and vids come in !!!!

[foxtophat]

in today’s update, nick and kim discuss why they shouldn’t kill the guy who probably deserves a righteous death-by-asskicking.  nick is sort of an over-thinker, which usually puts him in tailspins, but thankfully kim and him have worked out a balance that keeps both of them afloat.

anyway, uh, there’s another chapter that could technically be added to this one but damn it i want to keep an update schedule for at least a few weeks lol. i’m still trying to figure out kim’s voice, a lot of the time i write her and end up pulling a softer fo5 marcy, which is... not accurate at all. so i’m working on her! also, i can’t write children too well so carmina tends to be like “fuck this i’m goin hunting” so oooo that should work out for me.

i hope you enjoy, please consider reblogging if you do!  the full text of the chapter is below the cut, in case you don’t wanna go off-site.  (yo, if you see a mistake please let me know, i’m pushing this update out before a bunch of errands so i might’ve messed up the formatting or a word or something)

Nick dreads every step he takes back down to the kitchen, but they only have a little while before Grace brings Carmina back. They need to make a plan before then — even if they're not going to kill John Seed, they're going to have to do something with him.

Kim is in the kitchen, taking her anger out on the vegetables she's picked. Nick can imagine his neck snapping as easily as the wimpy little carrots do, swallowing as he steels himself for the hard choices about to come. He'd sworn up and down that he was going to live a simple life from here on out, and yet here he is, bringing trouble in with him like a stray goddamn cat. Not even considering the safety of his family, or the feelings of his wife — or his friends , because what is Grace gonna say about all this? They have to tell her, right? And what about Jerome? Not to mention the other survivors. God — the list of people he's betraying grows by the second!

"Carmina will be back soon," Kim says, breaking another carrot into quarters. "We need to deal with John before then."

Despite her hostile tone, Nick doesn't think she means kill the guy. He hopes she doesn't. Nick will do it , of course — he can't expect Kim to clean up his mess — but he can barely stomach the guilt thinking about it. God, what if she tells him to do it? The man wouldn't even be able to fight back. Nick's never had to kill someone who couldn't fight back .

"Hey," Kim calls out, soft but firm enough to shake him out of his thoughts. "It's going to be okay."

"Yeah, I know," Nick replies, the words spilling out. "Just — I really messed up, Kim, what the hell was I thinking? I saw him lying there, I had my gun in his face and I decided to put us all in danger, because why ? Because I felt sorry for him? I should've done something differently. I should've..."

Kim has this way of smiling that never fails to pull Nick out of even the worst thought spiral. She uses it on him now, tiny crows-feet crinkling beside her eyes as she comes around from the kitchen. "There are a lot of things we could have done differently," she says gently. "We spent six years in a bunker learning that lesson. Six years un learning all of the bullshit the cult forced on us." She reaches him, taking one of his hands up in both of hers. If there's an easy solution she can see that Nick can't, she doesn't tell him; she only sighs and admits, "I don't blame you. I don't know if I could have done it, either."

"Well, at least I know I'm not the only one who's gone soft." Nick looks back towards the stairs, as if John might somehow crawl out of the spare room and demand they hand over the house. "The question is, what do we do now that we got him here?"

"Well..." Kim's shoulders slump with a resigned sigh, as she also turns to look up the stairs. "I mean, there aren't a lot of options that don't end with us shooting him. It's not like there's a court to try him in, or anyone left to hold him accountable."

Nick shrugs. "Maybe that was the plan? Maybe he thought he could outlive the consequences of his bullshit."

"I'm definitely in favor of shooting him if that's the case. I'm surprised he outfoxed the deputy, much less that he survived for this long."

"I don't think I'd call whatever he's been doing surviving ." Nick gestures up the stairs. "You saw the guy. All I know is that I found him next to an open bunker that smelled like a mass grave. I mean, Dep... Dep said they put him down. They wouldn't have left him alive somewhere. Right?"

"They never were big on murder," Kim points out. "Or revenge."

"God, if they fuckin' stashed him away after everything he did..." Nick exhales heavily; he's getting too worked up about a hypothetical situation. "I guess it doesn't matter. They couldn't've known what was gonna happen." No matter how often Joseph or his fucked up family would tell them otherwise, the Deputy had never been big on religious zealotry, and the concept of the end of the world had seemed impossible to them at the time. They hadn't been a fan of killing the Seeds outright, not if they could be brought to justice, but they had never been given the chance. Well, that's what Nick thought, anyway. Now, he's not so sure that Rook didn't play some key decisions too close to their chest.

"Okay, okay," Kim cuts through his thoughts, "Let's just focus on the information we have for now."

"Easy for you to say," he sighs. But, she's right, of course she is, so Nick sighs again and shakes his head to clear away the random what-ifs he's been conjuring up. "Okay, so — the facts. Right."

"You said you found him in a bunker?" Kim prompts.

"Near a bunker. He'd made a... I mean, it wasn't a camp . But he was living topside for at least a couple days. My bet is he crawled in there after the plane went down."

"He must have run out of food at some point and had to come up," Kim suggests.

"Yeah, for all the good that did him. Though I guess it might be better starving to death topside instead of pre-buried."

"Maybe if we're lucky, he'll starve before we get around to feeding him," Kim sighs, although she sounds too resigned to be hopeful of an easy outcome. "Although it'd be hard to explain to Carmina and Grace why we're burning a corpse..."

"Oh, man," Nick groans. "What do we tell Grace? And what are we gonna do about Carmina? She can't go anywhere near that psychopath. Even if he's too weak to hurt her, I don't want him giving her... weird ideas or something."

Kim hesitates. "Grace won't be forgiving. If we tell her, she won't consider another option."

Nick hates the idea, but not enough to keep from considering it. Grace wouldn't hesitate; she would do what needs doing and she would only wonder why it took her coming along for it to happen. And if they don't tell her, they won't just be keeping John a prisoner — they'll be harboring him from the justice he deserves. They'll have to keep him hidden from everybody, even strangers. The alternative would be to put the burden on somebody who doesn't deserve it.

"I don't think I've got the guts," Nick admits shamefully. "I feel sick just thinking about it."

He hopes that Kim has a stronger stomach than him, but she only sighs and nods. "I'm not sure it's the right choice. I'm not even sure there is a right choice. But — for the sake of fairness, he should at least be able to defend himself."

"We've gone soft," Nick chuckles. "Back in the day, we'd have busted his teeth in just for surviving."

Kim gives him this look, like maybe she's always seen him as soft, but he doesn't mind it coming from her. "So," she asks, "What do we do with him once he's well enough to be a problem?"

"Hopefully, he does something to inspire some righteous, old-world justice before then."

"Considering his track record, I won't rule that out. But... Ugh. I don't even want to say it." Kim rubs her face with both hands, pacing in a small circle. "Eight years is a long time to plan in. He could have any number of... of plots, or hidden caches, who knows what? If we don't kill him, there's a real chance that he might use our kindness against us." Kim's frown is heavy enough to pull her whole face into it as she turns back to Nick. "It wouldn't be the first time."

"We'll keep him in the nursery. He'll be under lock and key, 24-7, until we can figure out what his deal is. If he turns out to be plotting some kind of second cult uprising or, I dunno... resurrecting Joseph from the grave, we'll put him out of everyone's misery. Which, let's face it, is the most likely outcome."

"And if he doesn't? How long can we keep him prisoner up there? I mean, Nick... our food supply isn't exactly stable, and he's another mouth to feed on wimpy carrots and mushy turnips. Summer's almost over, and last winter was hard enough without four of us."

Nick chews his lip. Looks back towards the stairs, wondering whether John can hear what they're saying, if he's cognizant enough to understand the position they're putting themselves in on his dumb behalf. "And then there's all the stuff we gotta get done before then," he sighs, thinking of the myriad chores and home improvement projects he's put off in order to focus on basic survival. "Hell, I don't know, Kim. Maybe we can put him to work when he's able to stand upright. Give him all the jobs Carmina's too young to do yet."

"We do need somebody to dig this house out of the dirt," Kim suggests. She's mostly joking, even though it's extremely true — they haven't had time, energy or interest enough to do more than a cursory sweep to clear the stairs. "And you've been talking about fixing up the hangar again..."

"All manual labor that I can oversee with a rifle," Nick says. "John owes us — seems only right that we take what we need."

"Assuming he'll cooperate."

"He's not going to have much of a choice."

Kim frowns. "If he doesn't, are you sure you can handle making him?"

Nick should probably be offended, but she's right to ask. Truthfully, Nick's not sure he can be intimidating enough to sway John into listening to him. The guy is a fucking maniac, after all — other than pain and revenge, there's not much that gets him up and moving. Nick doesn't have an ace up his sleeve that can outdo the Cult. That doesn't mean he's not gonna try — it just means he's going to have to try harder than John deserves.

"I'm gonna have to be. Look, after Carmina gets back, I'll take up some food and see if he's willing to talk. We'll just... go from there."

"You've always been good at improvising," Kim hums. She's got a smile on her face that Nick's never seen before, something sad lingering in her eyes as she gives him a curious look over. "I love you, you know," she tells him, as if she hasn't said it a dozen times this week alone.

"I love you too," he replies. "And I'm sorry I brought this on us. I'll make it right."

" He'll make it right," Kim says. "Or we'll shoot him."

Nick laughs. "Yeah, or we'll shoot him," he repeats, pulling Kim in for a long, tight hug. Nick's not sure if it's old age or being a father that's softened him so much, but he's sure it hasn't softened him enough to keep him from doing whatever might need to be done. All he can do is hope that John won't put that to the test.