#so I told her about how I’m in between contracts rn and I’m not sure if I should keep doing them or try to go back to ~stable full time work

[kakejiszkas]

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[jae-daddy]

Duff (4)

jaebum au series

one / two  / three / four / five /  six / seven / eight masterlist

pairing: im jaebum x reader genre: angst, smut, cheating, CEO! i guess too now plot:  you are the duff, and guys use you to get close to your bestfriend, turns out jaebum was no exception. but as time goes on the tension between you and your bestfriend’s unoffical boyfriend grows  a/n: it so late, I'm literally seeing double rn... hope y’all like it! <3 not edited. 

Life is brimming with lessons that teach you how to live without being naive and a fool. 

You were already taught a few lessons by life, as it made you jump through endless hoops burning with malicious flames waiting to scorch your skin at slightest touch. 

So you found it fair to hold yourself as intelligent and mature. 

Therefore, you trusted your conclusion to ignore whatever happened in the elevator with Im Jaebum. 

What was said, what was done; none of it mattered. 

An important lesson you’ve learnt is people say and do crazy things when they are riding high a shot of adrenaline. 

Jaebum’s near-death experience led him to say things that he would not on a normal day. It was only because he was scared that he did. And everyone wants to die an honest man. You were certain if it were Paul in the elevator instead of you, Jaebum might have confessed something outrageous to him too. 

So that was not the reason why you were staring at the two males in front of you as they spoke absolute nonsense to you. You already knew not to take what happened in that tiny metal box seriously. Instead, it was another life lesson you knew that made you stare at them as if they had grown two heads: everything has a price. 

“Not everyone gets an opportunity like this, y/n,” Paul spoke, a second away from begging on his knees. 

You shook your head in distaste, this was not part of the plan. Actually, there was no plan, but if you had one, this would definitely not be it. This was not how you imagined your lottery internship to turn out. 

“Paul, I am flattered the company believes me to be capable of such an important role,” you breathed, trying to keep a polite smile as your eyes bounced between the bald man and the smirking jerk. “However, I do not think I would be suitable for this role. I made it clear in my internship contract that I will not have my studies affected by this opportunity. Unfortunately, being the secretary of the -”

“I’m sorry to stop you, y/n,” Paul cut you off, not apologetic at all. You bit your cheeks to hold back a sneer. “We have thought about this through, and believe it to be the best plan of action to take right now. Mr Im is new to this company and is temporary, and while we have made a public announcement, he is still on trial.

“We could get someone in a fixed-term confidential contract, but that’s too complicated.”

Your brows furrowed as you disagreed with that, but you didn't say anything. 

“The remaining time left in your contract and Mr Im’s trial period match up perfectly. You already have secretarially role in the company, so you already know the ups and downs, the tricks and tips, so we really believe this is the best way. And about your studies, the summer break began last week. However, if you believe this to be in violation of your contract, we will compensate.”

“Compensate?” You rose an eyebrow, payment would be better than slaving away for free. 

“Pay you, just like any other employee,” Paul smiled happily. Finally seeing some indication of interest from your side. He added, proudly, “with all employee benefits.”

You bit your lip in deep thought. 

You mentally weighed the pros and cons. 

There were pros, so many pros; a better resume, money, free coffee and healthcare, etc. But the con, the big con stared at you in bold, italics, highlighted in large red fonts: you’d be working for Im Jaebum. 

If this was someone else you would have said yes the moment they offered it, even without the benefits. But with Im Jaebum, things got complicated. 

You weren’t sure if he could maintain the professional relationship between the two of you. And if you were being completely honest, you didn’t know if you could maintain it too. 

Even now, with Paul standing at one end of the table, and Jaebum settled on the long side. Your mind couldn’t help thinking about how short your skirt was, and how easy it would be for Jaebum to bend you over the wooden table, and make you a moaning mess. 

It would be quite difficult to maintain professionalism when you’d be spending time alone with him. Or maybe, he would use his position to make you suffer. He might end up not coming to work at all, have you do all his work, and just show up to sign and show his face. 

So much could go wrong with working for Im Jaebum. 

And you also had to consider the fact that you hadn’t talked to him since the elevator incident. 

You haven’t been to Heather’s place, too busy with the piled up assignments all due within the last two weeks. The twenty hours of weekly internship didn’t give you any freed up time either. You didn’t get an opportunity to see Heather, or her boyfriend, Im Jaebum, to have a talk. 

“Oh come on, y/n,” Jaebum smiled at you, making your blood boil instantly. This was the first thing he said to you in the past two weeks and somehow managed to be an arrogant shit-eater when he did. Your glare didn’t make his smile falter as he sang, “It’ll be fun.”

No way. You thought. There is no way you would be able to work for that self-centred, cocky, incredibly hot jerk. 

“We’ll cover your fees.” Paul stopped you before the no on the tip of your tongue tumbled out. You stared at him in shock, as he looked at you expectedly. 

“My university fees?” You asked, shocked.

“Yes, all of it.” He nodded. 

That’s a lot. 

Your eyes fell on Jaebum who smirked at you as if he had the whole entire world at his feet's disposal, and maybe he truly did. He had something similar to that power if the company was willing to go to such extents to make him stay. 

The pros were really starting to outweigh the annoying, irritating con.

“Fine,” you licked your lips, with a sigh. “I’m in.”

Paul almost jumped in his place with excitement, “Thank you, y/n! Thank you so much!”

Paul walked out swiftly muttering something about going to the HR and having a contract formed immediately. Your eyes followed him as he left, remaining on the doors that closed behind him.

You could feel his gaze burning the side of your face, and it truly felt as if you were about to combust. 

“What?” You snarked, turning towards him annoyed. 

Jaebum just snickered as he swirled side to side, carefree, on his chair, “Why are you always so mad, love?” 

You rolled your eyes getting up, “I guess this meeting is over.”

“I didn’t dismiss you, y/n,” Jaebum said, stopping his playful actions. 

“You’re not my boss until I sign that piece of paper, so,” you gave him a middle finger with a tight smile before walking out the office. 

You could hear his light laughter follow you, but you ignored it. 

You stopped in your tracks as you remembered something and entered the room once again. Jaebum looked up at you, surprised, before smiling brightly, “Welcome back.” 

You cursed yourself for returning after such an amazing exit, but there were more pressing matters than your pride. 

“Have you told Heather about what happened?” You closed the door behind you, making sure no one could hear you. 

Jaebum’s eyes danced with amusement, as he shrugged, drawling, “What happened?” 

“In the elevator, Jaebum,” you gritted through your teeth as you stepped closer towards him.

Jaebum’s smiled only grew as he frowned with feigned innocence, “I can’t seem to remember, maybe if you could help me remember.”

His lazy gaze fell to your lips before meeting your eyes again. A spark ignited deep inside you, and you told yourself it was anger; it was an annoyance. 

You clicked your jaw as you smacked your hands onto the desk, leaning over it. Jaebum watched you, carefully, not intimidated a bit, only amused. 

Your eyes narrowed at him, before you smiled sweetly, “You were holding my hand and crying like a child.” 

Jaebum hissed, unaffected, as he tsked, “I can’t seem to remember that.” 

“Did you tell her or not?” You groaned, your annoyance at peak. 

What you would do to this man if you got a chance. He wouldn’t be smiling like that, he’d be begging you for forgiveness, for release. 

Jaebum smirked as if he could read your mind, “No, I didn't.” 

“Good,” you nodded, gulping as his eyes watched you with unsettling darkness. “Don’t.” 

He rose his eyebrow, before nodding, “As you wish, y/n.” 

You turned and felt his gaze watch you as you walked out. You felt it lower, watching your hips as it swayed side to side. Your hand gripped the cool handle as your shoulders sagged slightly. 

You let out a low sigh, “Thanks.” 

You disappeared behind the door before Jaebum could reply. 

“Babe!” Heather sang as her long limbs fell over you loosely. You laughed, as you helped her sit straight. She leaned against you again, snuggling her face into your neck as she hugged you, “I love the way you smell, baby!” 

You chuckled as you patted her red matted hair soiled with glitter and sweat at the back of the Uber, “Thanks Heather, I like how you smell too.” 

“Don’t lie,” you could hear her pout, and it only made you smile. “You always make fun of my feet.” 

“But that’s only after the gym or a hike, Heather,” you told her, as you brushed the hair off her face. 

Heather was completely wasted tonight. 

She was already drunk by the time you walked into the club. Jaebum wasn’t anywhere to be found, and you found her with a group of her “friends” that you didn’t like. 

They would always make her drink too much, give her a little white sugar, and let her waste her platinum card on those low lives. 

You didn’t like the way the guys would touch her as she slumped back onto the couch unable to see straight. You didn’t like the way the girls sitting around would not help her, instead, encourage her to be worse. 

You were mad when you were pulling her away from the crowd and towards the bathroom when you had found Jaebum. He had just got to the club himself but was ready to leave as soon as he saw the state Heather was in. 

He sat on the other side of Heather, holding her purse, as Heather held you from the middle seat. 

Heather mumbled something in return and you couldn’t understand it. 

“By that red letterbox is fine,” you told the Uber driver as he slowed down. 

Jaebum got out first, and you helped Heather onto his back before getting out. You turned to the driver, giving him a small smile, “Thank you.”

“No problem, have a good night,” he said, already accepting a new ride. 

“You too,” you said, as you closed the door. You turned to Jaebum, with Heather hanging her head over his shoulder. Her long ember curls falling down his chest as he grunted and halted her up. 

“Woah, stop,” Heather moaned, heaving. 

Jaebum looked at you with terror in his eyes, and you laughed at him, “Come on, let’s get this party animal into bed.”

“Is this where you live?” Jaebum asked as you led him up the small walk to the door. 

You snorted and shook your head, “No, this is Heather’s home.” 

Jaebum rose his eyebrows, and you continued, as you unlocked the doors, 

“Her parents don’t live in this house anymore, so Heather skips between here and the apartment.” 

You turned the lights on and took in the home that greeted you. 

“They love sure love red, huh?” Jaebum commented, taking in the red couch, red feature wall, and red details spread over the living room and kitchen. 

You laughed at that, agreeing with him. The Blacks sure did take pride in their red-haired heritage, and didn’t hide the fact that it was family’s favourite colour, “Mrs Black was going through an interior design phase.”

“Thank god it was just a phase,” Jaebum snickered, making you turn to him with a pointed look as you tried to hide the smile. 

“She wasn’t too bad,” you replied and began walking towards Heather’s room. 

Jaebum followed behind you, grunting as he adjusted Heather on his back, “No, she was just too red.” 

You rolled your eyes as you opened her bedroom door and walked towards the bed. You pulled down the covers and Jaebum gently set her down. You took off her shoes, and earrings carefully. 

Jaebum didn’t say anything and just watched you as you walked around the room getting out her nightshirt, and face-cleansing products. 

“Why are you looking at me, Jaebum?” You asked, not looking at him. Instead, you pumped out the cleanser on a pad and gently took off the makeup from her face. 

“Is there a problem?” Jaebum asked back, making you snort. 

You gently turned her face and began the other side, “Yes, it’s making me nervous. I can feel you judging me.”

He was probably thinking what everyone else seemed to think when they saw you and Heather. They never saw the whole you both had for each other, how you would do anything for one another. All they saw was Heather in all her brilliance, beauty and wealth, and you, as her second, her side-kick. 

“I’m not judging you,” he replied instantly. 

Something about the way he said it made you believe him. You bit your lip, as folded the dirty make-up pads and put them on the side table.

“Then what are you doing?” You took a wet towel, wiping her face. You patted it dry and misted some toner and moisturiser. You turned back and met Jaebum’s eyes that remained on you, “Why are you looking at me?”

“There’s nothing else to look at,” he simply shrugged. 

You rolled your eyes and pointed to the wall covered with photos of Heather through the years. Most of them had you in them, celebrating every holiday, and some photos from random days when the sun was shining brightly. 

Jaebum stared at the wall as if noticing it for the first time. He got up and slowly walked up towards it. He took in the photos for a while, a small chuckle leaving him sometimes, “How did you two become friends?” 

You smiled at the memory, “She saved me.” 

You stared at your gorgeous friend, as she got up slightly. She searched around, her eyes disappearing as she smiled spotting you, “Oh, you’re here, y/n. I was going to the store on Wednesday.”

She trailed off, falling back into her pillow dozing off again. 

“Her hangover is going to kill her tomorrow,” you turned to Jaebum with a tight smile, as you held up the nightshirt, “I’m going to change her.” 

Jaebum instantly turned on his heels and walked out, closing the doors behind him. 

You walked out to the smell of coffee and Jaebum sitting at the kitchen counter with two mugs in front of him. You furrowed your eyebrows as you settled on the chair in front of him, “Is this poisoned?” 

Jaebum snorted rolling his eyes. 

You blew the coffee before sipping it. It was still searing hot, so you placed it down on the counter, and turned towards Jaebum. 

You took in his midnight hair pushed back, revealing his forehead. You didn’t know you could find someone’s forehead so sexy, but after seeing his hair down while he was at work, you had to admit it was hot. His piercings that were normally missing during office hours had returned too, a few missing. 

You frowned your eyes focusing on his nose and eyebrows, “Why aren’t you wearing all your piercings?” 

“It’s a nuisance putting it on and off,” Jaebum shrugged, before pointing to his lips, his tongue coming out to flick the sliver hoop, “Just wore my favourite.” 

You held your breath, as the image of the cool metal against your lips, flicked by your tongue, gently tugged by your teeth invaded your mind. Your cheeks heated but you continued like nothing was happening to your body. 

“Do you have piercings anywhere else?” 

Jaebum smirked, “If you’re into pierced nipples, I can get them done for you.” 

You groaned, a ridiculous smile on your face as you shook your head, “Can you ever have a conversation without being a prick?” 

“A prick?” he gasped, “that’s a bit harsh. I would say I’m more of a flirt.”

“Oh, so you know? This is a conscious decision. You wake up every day and decide to be the bane of my existence.” 

“I do wake up every morning and think of you,” Jaebum smiled at you. He chuckled, seeing you roll your eyes at him. 

“You’re ridiculous,” you snorted. Jaebum simply shrugged, smiling. 

Something beeped from the kitchen and Jaebum got up. You watched him walk over to the stove and turn it off. He reached for a mug before looking through the drawers for something. 

You narrowed your eyes watching him, “What are you looking for?” 

“Uh... a strainer?” He turned back to you, scratching the back his head. “I don’t know what it’s called.” 

Your heart melted at how adorable he looked standing there, confused and unsure. The smile on his lips was so beautiful as he watched you, waiting for you. 

“The second drawer over there,” you pointed, not looking at him as your cheeks tinted rosy again. 

Jaebum murmured thanks, before using it to drain the liquid from the pot and into the cup, “It’s a hangover tea. My mum makes it for me every time I get too drunk.” 

“You live with your mum?” You asked. Jaebum peered back at you a small smile on his lips. 

“Yeah, but I rarely ever get to see her.” 

“Why’s that?” You frowned. The way Jaebum talked about her, the lightness in his voice and the softness of his smile, told you how much he adored his mother. 

Jaebum shrugged before giving you a cheeky smile, “My house is too big.” 

You laughed at that. You were not expecting that at all. You heard Jaebum’s low chuckle as you sobered up. 

“What about you?” He asked as placed the cup onto a tray with a glass of water and two tablets he found next to the refrigerator. “Do you live alone?”

“Yup,” you nodded, before frowning, “Not even a pet.” 

“No pets?” He asked, sympathetic. 

You nodded, “I’m scared of animals. It doesn’t matter what size, or how well-trained, or what the animal is. I am terrified of them all the same.” 

Jaebum gasped as if you had confessed to a murder, “What is wrong with you?”

“Wow, I thought this was a safe place,” you mumbled before taking a sip from your coffee that had cooled down. You hummed at the taste, he made good coffee. 

“What about your parents?” Jaebum asked, making you stiffen. “Where do they live?” 

You remained quiet. 

You opened your mouth to tell him what you always told anyone who asks. It wasn’t that you were embarrassed or thought it was something to hide. You didn’t want people in your business and telling them to mind their business when they asked only piked up their interest more. 

So you opened your mouth to tell him what you’ve been telling everyone for the past five years, “I don’t live with them.”

Normally you would follow up with something about living here was better for your education or future jobs. You would say something, an excuse, that was reason enough for many young people to move out of their parents home. But what you said surprised you, “I don’t talk to them anymore.” 

“Oh,” was all Jaebum said. “That’s cool too.” 

You peered up at him with a frown. You took in his relaxed gaze, the smile on his face just like it there was a minute ago. There was no sympathy, no pity. There was no spike in interest or anything. 

He really didn’t want to pry. He didn't want to know why unless you told him. He only took as much as you could allow him. 

Suddenly there was an iridescent pond shimmering in your chest. It swirled, making your whole body feel alive as you took in Im Jaebum. It felt as if your entire body was one cell, one tiny speck of dust caught in the breeze of Im Jaebum, and it didn’t mind. 

You gulped, your body and mind acting quicker than you could control, “They couldn’t stand the sight of at me after they found out I was still doing something I promised I wouldn’t do anymore.” 

The faces of your parents appeared in front of your eyes. The shock, anger, the disappointment on their face as they found you lying in a pool of your urine and vomit. The horror in their eyes, their desperateness as they shook your body, pleading for you to reply. 

“They didn't kick me out. I left,” you ran a hand through your hair, as you let out a heavy sigh. You thought of the letter you wrote them, the way they had cried when they came to the hospital to meet you during those months, “I couldn’t hurt them anymore.”

“Do you think you would ever go meet them again?” You looked up to Jaebum watching you. You were thankful for the lack of pity in his eyes as he kept his gaze on you. 

You sighed again, and it came out as a little laugh, “One day I will.” 

You nodded, as you met his eyes. He smiled at you softly, and you smiled back as you scrunched your nose to stop the tears from threatening you, “When I am good enough, I will.” 

“I hope that day comes soon.” 

You didn’t realise Jaebum had come this close to you as you were talking. He leaned against the counter between you, his eyes intently taking you in. He folded his hands on the dark marble, his face leaning half-way over the counter. 

You watched him back. 

He was so beautiful. 

You huffed out a smile as you shook your head at him. Jaebum instantly changed, leaning back, the playfulness in his eyes glinting once again as he rose an eyebrow in question. 

“You’re not too bad, you know?” You smiled at him, before adding, “When you’re acting like a normal human being at least.” 

Jaebum laughed at that before giving you a mocking smirk, “You’re not too bad yourself, y/n.”

You grinned about to say thank you, when he added, “When you’re not acting like a stick is stuck up your ass at least.” 

“What an asshole,” you shook your head, laughing at him. 

Jaebum beamed back, his eyes shining, “What a bitch.” 

You took in the dark flecks in his eyes. You noticed their velvety blackness absorbing all light around it, but something else existed in those captivating eyes of his eyes. They didn’t get dragged away into the twilight of his gaze.  

Instead, it shone brightly. It glistened, it was golden, white and sparkled like a starry night. It dragged you in, it made you want to lean close to him. 

It made you want to place your lips on his and see how that shimmering halo swirled as he pulled you in closer. It made you want to reach for him, to place your hand on his soft cheeks. It made you want to walk around the counter and hug him in the middle of the kitchen littered with red embellishments. 

Jaebum’s smile curled into an easy smirk as he winked at you before turning around. He picked up the tray with a cup of tea, a glass of water and Panadol, as walked towards the door the red-haired beauty was sleeping in. 

Everything had a price. 

Somewhere deep within your heart was a corner buried so deeply in the darkness you had forgotten it existed. The room was cold, dark, and there was nothing. Nothing except for a lone candle standing in the middle of the emptiness. 

There had been nothing there for an eternity, and it was almost like magic. It almost felt like a trick of the eye, but then it happened again. 

A flame, a spark, flickering at the tip of the candle; it sparked again. 

This time it caught on. It burned, slowly getting brighter and livelier. 

You watched Jaebum disappear behind the door of Heather’s room. 

A sharp ache twisted your heart as you saw his broad back enter the dark room she was sleeping in. 

The flame spreading over the wick twisted in shades of ember, their shadows dancing over the room. 

You saw a word, you saw a face. 

You knew the price for this feeling tugging, craving to grow bigger in your heart. You walked into the room, hidden in a deep corner of your heart. The ivory trail of your dress dragged on the dusty floor, turning brown with every step. 

You didn’t look at the walls, you didn’t take in the shapes of the flames. 

You took sharp, clear steps. You reached the candle, the flame reflecting softly against you. You closed your eyes, took in a deep breath and exhaled, blowing out the candle. 

The flame was gone. 

The candle extinguished, the room engulfed in darkness, once again.  

You looked to the wall, the photo was no longer there but the image there was burnt into your mind. 

The price of this feeling was too expensive. 

It was too precious, and you couldn’t afford it.

[lizacstuff]

SCK / Edser Asks - mostly 31

(Asks under the cut, there are some spoilers and speculation in there so tread carefully if you don’t want to read that)

Anonymous said: Based on the photos of epi 31 that were released, I saw a theory online that said maybe Deniz bought Eda a star (picture she's holding a certificate paper). Gosh I hope not. That's an Eda and Serkan thing.

It seems to me that buying a star is so specific to Serkan and Eda it either can't be it, OR if is it then they (Eda and Deniz) are doing it to purposely troll Serkan and push at his jealousy buttons, since even if he doesn't remember it, he knows he bought her a star.  I can't imagine Deniz sincerely buying her a star and surprising her with it, because there is no way that goes over well with her, but who knows. I'm done pretending I know the limits of what this show will do, lmao.

Anonymous said: A lot of fans think that Deniz is proposing to Eda but that's one huge box for a ring! I feel like maybe he's been keeping things that are from their friendship over the years and is gifting her that. But I hope not, because I like to think of Serkan being the sentimental one over things related to Eda. Thoughts?

This scene may have to do with Deniz letting Eda know his real feelings, maybe, but why would he propose so soon, in public when they're already fake engaged, and when he knows Eda is still in love with Serkan?  And you're right, it's way too big for that, perhaps it's something from their childhood? idk. I'm having trouble working up any interest in what Deniz might put in a box, because zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.  He's boring.

Anonymous said: Although I have no context for the situation that leads to Serkan asking if Eda is happy in the next episode, I still need her to answer honestly. Now that they both have calmed down, had time to adjust to the current situation and he is clearly interested in getting to know her, she needs to tell him exactly how she feels about everything. Heck, totally okay with a comment that “she would have fought for him and their relationship if he had ever given her a chance.” He remembers their kiss, he is having flashes of her and wants to spend time with her, her expressing interest & opening up has to hit differently this time. And if he still says he is going to be with Selin then I do not even what the point of this storyline was 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Yeah, I'm pretty in line with you on this. I would love it if Eda was completely, emotionally honest with him in a moment like that. But my fear is that Eda's pride, understandably wounded by his engagement to the psycho, will get in the way. Our girl doesn't like to appear vulnerable, we've seen it too many times. And being honest about their feelings is NOT how they fell in love the first time around, is it? Nope they were both too terrified to admit it, until push came to shove. 

As far as the point of the storyline, its to show us that Serkan will fall in love with Eda even when the circumstances are completely stacked against them. To that end they have STACKED everything they could against them. So I think the only thing we can do is have patience. There’s no doubt what the endgame plan is, in show time it’s only been a few days, we need to give Serkan a minute to let the war between his heart and brain play out.  I think this episode is going to show us a Serkan who is drawn to her and SHOOK by her. And Selin seeing all of that.

Anonymous said: yeah, i think the amnesia plotline is especially hard to watch rn because of selin's presence and her and serkan's "relationship" and that's where most of the frustration around current eps stem from. altho, i have seen ppl get mad that he's not remembering from "key moments" in their story and somehow it ruins a part of their story and idk.. i just disagree bc clearly there's a plan there for what triggers his memory and when it happens.. and i feel like something has to be coming soon there

Oh, yes, I completely disagree with anyone who thinks that he needs to be remembering moments to prove his love. What bullshit. HE HAS A BRAIN INJURY. It’s AMNESIA. It’s not a choice. It’s not a diss on their love. I’ve noticee that there are legions of fans out there who don’t get the, “If I lived 100 lives, I’d fall in love with you 100 times,” and keep thinking that him recovering his memories is going to be the silver bullet that fixes thing. I don’t think so. I do think he’ll get them back eventually, but seems to me he’s going to need to fall in love first.  Which hopefully will become more fun to watch, because that’s pretty damn powerful. 

Anonymous said: I was just thinking, it kinda sucks we never got to see what Serkan's other two wishes were. Obviously that's all gone and forgotten and the way the story is going now, Serkan may have to offer Eda 3 wishes for hurting her after the memory loss. It would be interesting to see how that would go (it could be for humor purpose or could actually be meaningful for their relationship). Your thoughts?

Oh, yes, I wish we could have seen what the rest of the wishes were. It was a really fun construct that they didn’t play out. Probably a victim of the change in writers around that time.  Since none of the wishes could violate the contract, I really don’t know what Serkan was going to ask for. I think when all of this is said and done, Serkan’s going to have to grant more than 3 wishes for Eda...

Anonymous said: Think I will take my lead from you and stay positive about SCK. And I am going to believe the next episodes is full of great moments between Eda & Serkan that are actual steps back towards each other. Totally get that it has only been 3 days in the show but the weakest part for me has been how tightly Serkan is holding onto his relationship/engagement to Selin...yikes! It makes me cringe seeing his arm around her. I get that was his defense mechanism but it left Eda heartbroken with nothing to work with. Now he has softened, acknowledged her talent and his interest in her and after realizing he is totally jealous about her being with someone else then he needs to put an end to his engagement with Selin.

Oh yes, CRINGE CITY. I can barely look at her. Ugh. The arm around the waist is the worst! But I think you’re right, it’s his defense mechanism. He’s using it to keep distance with Eda who scares the CRAP out of him. Poor dummy. 

Anonymous said: “the barnacle on the ass of this show” 😂😂😂😂 Thank you, I needed that laugh, and never has Selin been better described. Those spoilers I’m reading better not be right 😤

Okay, I'm loath to get into spoilers, but are you talking about the Selin fake pregnancy rumors? I think those are more speculation than spoilers (however the last two weeks the end of the ep hasn't been in the spoiler drops, but then leaked out as prevalent rumors, so.... maybe happening again?)

Anyway @echoapothecary and I talked this through with the spoilers yesterday and I think this rumor does work with the spoilers and it might not be so bad if it happens the way we speculated. Of course all of this is predicated on these spoilers being correct, and who the eFF knows. Spoilers:

The end of the episode is not in the fragman

The end is a bomb

The final scene is bad but it will come in handy because it will serve to unmask Selin (the start of her downfall)

So with those spoilers... I do think the cliffhanger bomb could be Selin telling Eda she's pregnant. But notice that key point... telling Eda.  

Selin is going to be freaked out after seeing Serkan's interest in Eda grow all episode, and she’s supposedly going to witness something that happens between Edser on the boat. So by the end of the episode she probably feels him slipping away and will be beyond desperate. So I could see her dropping one big bomb, a hail Mary pass, that she thinks might drive Eda away and even out of town.

So if she did that would definitely be a “bomb” and it would also be “bad” from the audience perspective.  Now to it “coming in handy because it will serve to unmask her.” I’m pretty sure she and Serkan have not had sex since the accident. The show went out of their way three times to show us they aren’t sleeping in the same bed. So once Serkan finds out what Selin said, he’s going to instantly realize she told one whopper of a manipulative lie to Eda.  And if that happens it suddenly calls into question every single thing she’s told him since he called her after the accident. Hence, unmasking begins. 

So if that happens, and Selin tries to manipulate Eda into giving up, I could see Eda deciding to leave town. Selin might even tell her Serkan doesn’t know because its too much right now on top of the amnesia, so it’s up to Eda to step back and so Eda won’t mention it to him and expose her lie. Who knows. If it happens I expect it would be resolved in 32 after some angst and some dramatic Serkan and Eda moments (imagine him going after her if she’s trying to leave and he finds out why from someone like Melo or Deniz). 

Anyway, is this what’s going to happen? WTF knows. Speculation is never correct, it could be anything, but it seems right in line with the melodramatics this show has been going for since the plane crash.  Selin is rumored to be leaving soon, so if this is how we get rid of her soon, fine by me. I just want her off this show BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.  

[punkscowardschampions]

Ruby & Cosmo

Ruby: Dying to know is every date colour coded? ❤️

Cosmo: Oh, God 😅 How unintentionally cringe

Cosmo: That sums up how well it went, sadly

Ruby: the quick reply had me thinking you were back early or answering in the middle of dinner

Cosmo: 🤫

Cosmo: I’d never!

Cosmo: It was a favour and I think that showed

Cosmo: She’s my cousin’s friend and just got dumped, sweet girl but perhaps not ready to be great company

Ruby: explains the 🌹

Cosmo: Not very personal or too basic?

Ruby: a nice try if it was your first date ever but I know it’s not

Cosmo: Thank God I didn’t get another bouquet 😏

Cosmo: They weren’t buy one get one free though, before you say

Ruby: they looked expensive

Ruby: she would’ve felt guilty throwing them back in your face

Cosmo: I told you I weren’t texting under the table, why would she need to?

Ruby: you told me why, they’re impersonal & basic

Ruby: & heartbreak makes you unhinged

Cosmo: I wouldn’t call her unhinged

Cosmo: at least not to her face, right

Ruby: 😅

Ruby: or your cousin’s

Ruby: Are you staying out in town or going home to change?

Cosmo: I don’t fancy showing up in the club in this

Cosmo: never mind hearing what my friends would have to say

Cosmo: What are you up to?

Ruby: the VIP area has seen worse, you don’t look like you raided the Gucci sale rail, eyes closed

Ruby: & your friends have worn worse, but I won’t say it to their faces

Ruby: I’m waiting for my own friends to be done making their own questionable outfit choices as usual

Cosmo: Careful, that was almost a compliment and not just a drag of the lads

Cosmo: not undeserved on their end but what did I do to make you decide to be nice to me?

Cosmo: besides entertain you with my dating woes whilst they redo their makeup, again

Ruby: You know how to dress, it’s a fact

Ruby: & I didn’t decide to be nice, it just happened

Cosmo: Not that you’re not usually nice in general

Cosmo: but here I am, feeling special, like 💖🤩

Cosmo: It’s also a fact, though not an impressive one, that I’m not lame enough to go in for that negging bullshit, so whatever I end up doing, calling you a bitch ain’t on the agenda

Ruby: there you were down in the dumps about your disaster date, I thought I’d try to help

Ruby: I wouldn’t, it only works for Mason when everyone’s too busy watching his feet move to care about his mouth & that’s not the audience you’ve got atm

Cosmo: I think I’ll survive

Cosmo: but I appreciate it

Cosmo: I’ve seen him get in trouble for his mouth plenty of times on the pitch

Cosmo: but referees aren’t ones to be sweet-talked so…

Ruby: your expensive roses are wasted on them 🥀

Cosmo: That is the real tragedy 💔

Cosmo: I reckon 🍷 could work on your dad though, whaddya think?

Ruby: aren’t we beyond bribes? I thought we were

Cosmo: You don’t have to go up for contract renewals

Cosmo: but I was joking, so don’t tell him he’s on a promise there

Ruby: oh yeah, it’s a joke you being worried you won’t get renewed

Ruby: he doesn’t shut up about you after a few 🍷’s with your dad

Cosmo: Sorry you’ve had to witness/hear that

Cosmo: can’t help my case

Ruby: it wouldn’t be realistic to entertain you or let you entertain me if he wasn’t on board

Cosmo: No?

Ruby: secrecy & sneaking around would be impossible unless we could both drop what we were doing at a moment’s notice, which we can’t

Cosmo: True

Cosmo: Neither of us has the time for that

Ruby: or the anonymity

Cosmo: You aren’t wrong

Ruby: 💖🤩 back at me?

Ruby: you’re being agreeable, above & beyond the Sunday roast standard you set when everyone was listening in

Cosmo: Agreeable from you I can take

Cosmo: I didn’t know any of you guys were going to be there, so if I wasn’t on top form

Cosmo: I’d love to have a second chance to do it better, of course

Cosmo: Somewhere more exciting than family dinner

Cosmo: and no impersonal and basic 🌹s

Ruby: I’d love to skip the club tonight, it stopped being exciting forever ago

Ruby: there’s your chance

Cosmo: Alright

Cosmo: I’ll make something happen and I’ll send you the place and the dress code

Ruby: pastel colours wash me out

Cosmo: What kind of place would be pastels only? 🤔

Ruby: [name drop somewhere boujee that you’ve been probably with your mum and godmother lol]

Ruby: you wasted the ❤️ on the wrong girl 💔

Cosmo: She wasn’t wearing red

Ruby: it was never going to work out

Cosmo: That might be for the best

Ruby: tbd

Ruby: but I’m not feeling like I’ll cry or talk about any of my exes so it’ll be better for you

Cosmo: And for you

Cosmo: not that you’re letting me be impressive with a bar that low but you know

Ruby: you’ll get over or under it if you want to

Cosmo: If I couldn’t rise to the occasion your dad definitely wouldn’t stand for it

Ruby: I won’t either

Cosmo: tbd

Cosmo: I heard

Ruby: another girl has beat me to denying you everything, I have no choice but to switch it up to keep things interesting

Cosmo: Has hard-to-get worked since the days of negging?

Cosmo: You’ve got all the choices, and no need to play any sort of game with me

Cosmo: Let’s have a good time

Ruby: it might have worked for people who want a different reputation than I do

Ruby: that’d wash me out too, the whole projection of intense cold bitch energy

Ruby: a good time is more doable

Cosmo: It wouldn’t get you very far, I understand

Cosmo: We all have to be some type of way to get to where we need to be

Ruby: yeah & talent has to be backed up with 😁✨

Cosmo: A winning personality, of course

Ruby: if I don’t have that both of my parents & coach are going to lose it, definitely

Cosmo: Well, you don’t need to worry about that, from my perspective

Ruby: from my POV neither of us will be worrying until the alarm wakes us early tomorrow & it’ll be too late to stress it by then

Ruby: the good time’ll have already happened

Cosmo: I’ll drink to that

Cosmo: [something that’s between the restaurant moment we just took Savannah to and the normal clubs they would go to, idk what that would look like, like a club that’s a bit sassier than the beyond standard ones footballers and WAGs would hang in]

Cosmo: but I won’t start without you, like

Ruby: not counting the 🍷 if the 🍝 soaked it up

Ruby: but what do you want me to wear? 🧡💛💚💙💜🖤🤍🤎

Cosmo: ❤️ off the table then

Ruby: the bar hasn’t fallen through the floor, I’m not okaying you wearing the outfit you chose for her & me dressing to match it

Cosmo: 😅 I’ve gone home but alright

Cosmo: I want to see what you come up with, actually

Cosmo: I’ll show you I’ve got better than the jumper, don’t worry

Ruby: I’ll do better than a roast with the fam, talk about a low bar

Cosmo: I think you’re probably incapable of looking bad

Ruby: try keeping me up all night & you’ll see

Cosmo: I won’t be the first or the last to show up to practice feeling less than 💯 … are all the other ice skaters perfect 😇s?

Ruby: I’m not giving any details of who isn’t, you’re a date down tonight as is, I’m not getting ditched for someone even more 😈

Cosmo: About how that looks

Cosmo: ‘cos I know

Cosmo: We aren’t going to post anything are we?

Cosmo: I’m not looking to add to the poor girl’s 💔 and I know it’s a dick move to not even wait ‘til tomorrow

Ruby: 📵

Ruby: getting into a fight with your cousin over me is even more Romeo & Juliet than sneaking around behind my dad’s back, we all know how it ended

Ruby: drama in the routine is fine but off the ice it’s not cute

Cosmo: Drama on the pitch depends how you feel about diving

Cosmo: but I appreciate that

Ruby: how I feel about diving depends how much my brother has got to me & I want to get him back for it

Cosmo: 🟥 or 🟨 depending on the day

Ruby: 🟥 usually

Cosmo: I feel that

Cosmo: about my own, usually, not necessarily yours but I can see the how and why there too

Ruby: yours made an impression, not at all good

Cosmo: That’s his speciality

Ruby: 😬 brothers bring the mood down when they’re ours

Cosmo: Neither of them’s invited

Ruby: it’ll make a change not to see mine out

Cosmo: That’s unlucky

Ruby: but you’re on to a winner with the location, congrats

Cosmo: I had a good feeling

Ruby: I’ve got one too

Cosmo: 💖🤩

Ruby: a compliment to last until I get there

Cosmo: tbd 👋

Ruby: ❤️

Cosmo: [so obviously this night is gonna go better than the awkward date, though that’s not hard soz Savannah, but also a step above the standard club moment of every weekend hence we stay out longer than we usually do when we’ve got an early start tomorrow]

Ruby: [and equally as obviously if you found enough to talk about when you were around all your annoying relatives for that roast I’m not worried about you struggling for a convo tonight, you’re both cute and have things in common and there’s clearly a vibe]

Cosmo: [I don’t think anything needs to happen tonight but it’s obvious you like each other ‘cos you could both be bothered to show and do this]

Ruby: [agreed it feels legit to who you both are and your priorities to wanna take things a bit slower than that, like it’s clearly unlike her already to do this when you were literally on a date earlier and staying out later than planned is also something neither of you do a lot so]

Cosmo: [yes, we’re not that kind of boy, not saying you’ve never slept with anyone obvs lmao but we’re not a different gal every weekend energy at all]

Ruby: [likewise neither calling this gal a nun or a slag but I doubt she's been out with that many people cos of a) her busy schedule and b) the lowkey famous dad and brother thing that would make some lads wanna try it on for that reason]

Cosmo: [exactly dr phil, you wanna skip to the AM of it all?]

Ruby: [absolutely boo]

Cosmo: 🟥 or 🟨 for keeping you out past your bedtime then?

Ruby: Are you willing to take credit or am I blaming a messy friend’s man troubles?

Cosmo: That depends

Cosmo: we would have to find a friend we’d mutually not mind throwing under the bus and I’m not sure if my brain is capable rn

Ruby: it wouldn’t be taxing to mine to think up someone believable, if you’re keen to show up to my door with 💐 & fool my dad that it’s the first move you’ve made

Ruby: for rep’s sake

Cosmo: The 💔 is all around

Cosmo: a hangover will have you feeling that way

Cosmo: are YOU keen for me to show up at your door with 💐s, that’s the real question here

Ruby: I’ll start getting hangovers when I’m old, it’s a scare tactic before, not a real thing

Ruby: impressing my dad doesn’t necessarily impress me

Cosmo: 😂

Cosmo: That’s alright, I already have impressed him, so it’s definitely not my intention here

Ruby: let’s hear what your intentions are

Cosmo: Now you’re bragging about how un-hungover you are

Cosmo: How about you let me set up a second date and we can talk about it then?

Ruby: a brag would have a selfie attached, I was reassuring you I’m not suffering mild alcohol poisoning like most of our friends

Ruby: a second date for when?

Cosmo: I’m pleased to hear it

Cosmo: it doesn’t make for a pretty sight

Cosmo: [pisstakey shot of some of the lads dying in the changing room or wherever like ew lol]

Cosmo: Send me your calendar and I’ll see?

Ruby: 😬 lovely [but send him something similar of the girls obvs and then your calendar of course, I’m cackling because what if the only time they can both do is tonight so that looks really extra when you’re both not]

Cosmo: They’d kill us for that 😏

Cosmo: [we so could, lmao okay]

Cosmo: Well, it looks like either we double down and go for tonight or we give it a rain check and see in a couple weeks 🤔

Ruby: tonight works for me but it’s you who’d be doing the work to think of somewhere else with wow factor

Cosmo: Undefeated with two wins sounds a lot better than one

Ruby: yeah & I don’t want to talk about weeks on the bench

Cosmo: Be a bit of a dirty tactic to put the blame on you for not going out with me tonight if I get benched but

Cosmo: If it works I’m not above it

Cosmo: So, what kind of place are you looking to avoid tonight?

Ruby: do we need to avoid anywhere or flash photography? your cousin & the girl they forced you to date can’t stay mad forever

Cosmo: No, we don’t have to

Ruby: 💖🤩

Cosmo: Understood

Cosmo: I’ll get back to you

Ruby: 🚫🍷🥃🍸🍹 can be tonight’s rule if you need a break

Cosmo: I don’t

Cosmo: I just needed to know what you want to do, and now I do and I’m thinking

Ruby: I know you don’t need it to have or be fun, me either hopefully

Cosmo: I think you’re fun

Cosmo: and it’s definitely tragic if you have to rely on something like that, that’s not me

Ruby: it’s nobody I know or would count as worth knowing

Cosmo: Totally

Cosmo: Okay, I’m going on the pitch, send you deets later

Ruby: don’t mess up or I’m going to cancel tonight & I don’t want to so that’ll be us both in bad moods 😘

[yikesharringrove]

maybe? 👉👈 steve taking a really long time with college (like on one year and off one yours year, on, off, on, off) and he still doesn't really know what he wants to do and he gets really frustrated bc billy just did college all in one go and steve is taking forever and he feels down on himself? idk im feeling the whump rn???

Steve had left high school having no idea what he wanted from the rest of his life.

That’s not true, he had some idea.

He knew he wanted to leave Hawkins, follow Billy wherever he was going. He knew he wanted to be with Billy for the rest of his life, he knew he wanted to leave the past behind and make new friends, people who were kind, and fun, and didn’t bat an eye when Billy pulled him into his lap.

But that’s about it.

So when Billy graduates high school, and gets a full ride to UC Berkeley, and they move into a cheap apartment in downtown Oakland, Steve is so happy that he got out.

He gets a job waiting tables at a restaurant down the street, pays half the rent and buys the groceries while Billy’s in class.

But then two years pass, and Billy’s soaring through college, working to his degrees, plural, because he just couldn’t decide between studying English Literature or Biology with a focus in research.

So he’s majoring in both and getting a minor in Italian because then I’ll know what you’re sayin’ when you start horny babblin’.

And Steve was at the same restaurant.

True, he was assistant manager now, and it came with a pretty okay raise, and he even gets dental insurance, but he feels so stuck.

So he enrolls in community college.

He starts with some general classes, still completely unsure of what he wants to study.

Billy said it was okay to just rule out things you don’t want to study, to nearly fail a math course and know that accounting is not for you.

So when Steve finishes his first year, he at least knows what he doesn’t want to pursue.

Meanwhile Billy has an internship at a lab through Kaiser Permanente. And he can read and write Italian than Steve can.

Steve is walking home from his job at the restaurant when it happens. He’s crossing the street, and gets hit by a car.

He’s taken to the hospital, where he’s informed of a fractured spine and another concussion.

He’s told his injury could’ve been much more severe, that he will not experience paralysis, but he needs physical therapy and walking will be difficult for a while.

Their finances take a big hit.

Billy’s internship doesn’t pay super well, and with Steve being unable to work for the foreseeable future, he’s fired.

Billy has insurance through the school, but because on paper, he and Steve have no real relation, Steve’s medical bills come out of pocket.

So Steve is bedridden for months. He can’t work or get groceries, or do fucking anything but lay there.

They can’t afford physical therapy.

But Billy has a friend studying to be a PT, and she comes over every Saturday, and practices her technique on him in exchange for ten bucks and a few beers.

And so the money Steve tucked away for school is rapidly diminishing.

By the time Billy graduates, Steve is a year into recovery. He still gets dizzy at odd intervals, and his back gets stiff when it rains, but Billy gets a job right away, doing research on flu vaccines.

And Steve goes back to work.

He gets a desk job, something he won’t have to be on his feet all day for. He works reception for a message therapist, which comes with free massages, which work wonders on his back.

So in the fall, he decides to give his education another shot.

He learns that history is not for him, and that his nutrition course was fine until they began looking into how the body processes nutrients, and he was fucking lost. He takes a few business classes, thinking, hoping genetics would take over and this is something he could do.

But his dad was right to take away the job opportunity at his own firm. Steve was not cut out for this.

After a year of research, Billy is promoted three times. He ends up working on some extremely important study that Steve does not understand for the fucking life of him.

But he sits and listens every time Billy explains what he did that day, even though Steve gets so sad when Billy mentions having to kill the lab mice to study their bodies.

So Steve is two years into community college, five years into living in Oakland with Billy, and he still is lost.

He takes a semester off, working more hours, trying to save up some money.

Because Billy is beginning to think about grad school, and that shit’s not cheap.

But Billy decides to postpone that, work for a few more years, and besides, he’s caught between studying something to put him in a research field, or just straight up going to medical school to study infectious disease.

Because Billy could. He’s smart enough for medical school, smart enough to research and be a doctor.

And Steve has a smushy spine and half a degree in nothing.

A semester off turns into a year.

A year and a semester.

Two years.

They’ve been in California for seven years, and Billy gets into grad school in San Diego. They move south and Billy spends late nights pursuing a Masters in Immunology.

And Steve works the front desk at a pediatrician’s office.

He’s flipping through a course catalog from the San Diego Community College when Billy comes home from his new job, the position he got after applying to only three labs.

He kissed the top of Steve’s head, moving to grab himself a beer from the fridge.

“You thinkin’ of going back?”

“I don’t know.” Steve slid the catalog closed. “Is it even worth it?”

“That’s something you have to decide.” Billy sat down, sliding the catalog towards him. Steve had crossed off the classes he had already taken, the ones he new he wouldn’t like.  “And you know, going to school isn’t the only option. You could get an apprenticeship, master a trade.”

“I can’t do anything where I need to bend over for really any length of time. So that rules out plumber, and car mechanic, and anything physical like construction, or landscaping or even general contracting is right out.”

Steve could feel the old shame, the doubt and the self hatred crawling up his spine.

“I have nothing to offer. I have no discerning skills, and in seven years I’ve only made it through two years of goddamn community college, and here you are, ripping through grad school like a fourth degree is easy.”

“Stevie, you’ve got a lot to offer. We just gotta find something that suits you.” He took Steve’s pen, turning to the back page of the catalog. “Okay, we’re gonna write down all of you strengths, and think of career paths that could fit those. I’ll go first, you’re extremely caring. You’d be good at any career where you care for people.”

“But I can’t study nursing or something, I barely understood my biology 101 course. Plus, nurses are strong. I can’t lift more than like, thirty pounds.”

“There’re way more caring fields than nursing, Pretty Boy. Although I would love if you were my nurse.” Billy smirked at him, leaning in to plant a sloppy kiss to Steve’s cheek as he rolled his eyes. “Another strength: your emotional intelligence is through the fucking roof.” He wrote it down. “Okay, I’ve said tow, so you say one.”

“Um, I think that I’m good at making people laugh?”

“Yes! You are. Perfect.” Billy scribbled it down. “You’re a good leader.”

“I’m pretty good at reading people.” Billy wrote Intuitive, can smell a douchebag from a mile away.

“You’re good under pressure.”

“Sometimes.”

“Every time I’ve seen. You’re good at keeping calm and keeping others calm.”

“I guess.”

“Nah, Stevie. Positives only. Say a strength.”

“I’m, uh, I’m good at, bilingual?” Billy stared at him. “Like, I’m bilingual.”

“Are you sure? I don’t think that was English, even.” Steve slapped his chest, Billy laughed. “I’m joking. You are bilingual. You’re also really good at making others feel safe.”

“I was always pretty alright at public speaking.”

“You’ve got a great eye for detail.”

“I’m good at teamwork, and delegating.”

“You’re really compassionate, too.” Billy drew a line under the strengths side. “Okay, so now we’ve got some of your strengths, think about what you’d want in a job, and we can match everything up and think about some careers that could fit.” Steve nodded, racking his brain.

“Um, I would want to work with kind people, I would kind of like to do something, you know, worthwhile. I’d like to be in charge of something. Like it’s fine if I have a boss to answer to, but I’d like to be fairly independent.”

“I already have so many ideas.”

“Lay ‘em on me.” Steve sat back, closing his eyes to try and picture everything Billy threw out.

“I’ve actually always thought you’d be a really good teacher. Especially if you did like, kindergarten. Just got to be around little kids all day.” Steve could actually see it. “I also think you’d be a could social worker, like to work with Child Protective Services, or something. Um, you’d be good at even planning. Or I think you’d be really good working at a nonprofit of some kind. Maybe you could be the event planner for a nonprofit.”

And Steve was sitting there, and suddenly, he had four career paths, just sitting right in front of him. Four super attainable career paths.

“Wait, wait those make sense.” Billy beamed at him.

“Yeah, that’s because I know you, Pretty Boy.” Billy opened the catalog. “So, I think if you choose to enroll, you should pick a few classes, like, Intro to Social Work, Early Childhood Education 100, and maybe like, Sociology, and see from there.”

Steve stared at the course descriptions for what Billy circled.

“Thank you for helping me. I’m sorry this has taken me so long.”

“It’s okay. Everyone is on a different timeline. And it’s not like you got to explore options in high school. You were told business until your dad decided that nevermind. So it’s understandable that this took you a minute. Plus, you went through hell with your back.”

Steve sat up straight, stretching out his back.

“But, I mean, the back thing kinda happened to you too, and you still made it through all your schooling.”

“Sure, I watched you go through it, but I was not in the pain you were. And like, emotionally, it fucking sucked to watch the love of my goddamn life go through something, and I couldn’t even afford therapy. Like, I felt so helpless, but that’s nothing to what you went through literally experiencing it.” Steve took Billy’s hand, linking their fingers together, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

“You did the best you could. Everything was shit for like, that whole year.”

“I cannot telly you how many times I would go into an individual study room in the library and just like, sob for a while.And then I’d get so mad at myself, thinking of you at home, hurting and not even able to get yourself out of bed, and I’d race home feeling like shit.”

Steve scrubbed his fingers through Billy’s hair. He had cut it a while ago, kept it short these days.

“You were doing everything you could for me. I would just sit in bed all day, and think about how amazing you are. Like I would just think about all the good times we’ve had together, and how much I love you.”

“That explains why we didn’t fight for like, that whole year.” Steve laughed. Billy leaned to kiss him softly.

“And you know, even now we’ve done this, there’s still no rush on you. You don’t have to go back to school this year, of this decade, or anytime until you’re ready. Until you want to.”

“Well now, I feel like there’s a fucking light at the end of the tunnel. I’m almost, excited. Is this how you feel? Excited to go to school?”

“Welcome to the nerd life, Sweet Thing.” Billy drained the last of his beer. “You wanna go out tonight? Celebrate?”

“Like, go out to dinner, or go out?”

“Oh, just like dinner. Be home by eight thirty, in bed by nine, missionary with the lights off, and asleep by nine fifteen.”

“Sign me the fuck up.”

[localkatshelter]

Okame’s Underbelly: Reunification |4th|

(ShinsoxOC)

Katsumi’s POV (localvillageidiot#0870) and Shinso’s POV (hecker#8339)

Warning: Contains mentions of a breakup, minor alcohol consumption, mild anxiety, swearing, and a wild Denki and Mina

Preview (Shinso’s POV):

| “Dude...what the fuck! Why did you wait until now to tell me this?! I thought you loved me! “ Denki whined with an exaggerated pout on his lips.

I cocked my head to the side “When did I say that?” I questioned with feigned confusion.

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I know you love me so shut up. Third, wait we’re on three right? Right. Third, we're besties til death do us part so there’s some invisible contract that states that I get expedited dibs on all your dark, dirty secrets.” He concluded smugly, as if he made a point.

“Oops, I breached the contract." I stated apathetically. "but I told you now, so no need to cry about it.” I went to mock wiping a tear from his face and he immediately attempted to bite my hand. I reflexively shoved him away.

 “Why are you like this?” I choked out between laughter.

Denki shrugged. “My body literally microwaves my brain so...maybe that’s why.” |

Beautiful Artwork By: Sinfulhime

1st Chapter - Anticipation

(Katsumi’s POV)

I groaned as I fidgeted with the ugly student mover tee shirt that the volunteer coordinator had handed me to wear for move in day. I can’t believe that I got bullied into volunteering to help students move into the dorms today. Stupid RA asking me for help, stupid RD guilt tripping me into it, stupid students bringing way too much shit. I hate it here.

I was standing by the entrance hoping no one would ask for my help when I saw a small car pull up in front of my dorm building. A boy with wild purple hair got out and was greeted by a blonde, who practically tackled him with a hug. That's adorable. I love when boys aren’t afraid to be affectionate with each other. I watched the two of them talk for a bit before beginning to unload the car. The kid with purple hair felt oddly familiar to me for some reason. I moved out of my hiding spot and away from the entrance a bit to get a better look at him. I started to squint to try and put him into focus when he turned around and noticed my staring. He gave me a dirty look and something clicked in my brain. Oh shit, it’s fucking Edgelord! He turned back around and started unloading his car. I started to walk over, though I didn’t really know why. I guess I just wanted to say hi, maybe check in with him to see how he was doing. I mean, he did bawl his eyes out in front of me and sleep on my couch after all. As I got closer, a question popped into my brain. Wait... what was this kid’s name again? I know he told me.... Sato? Shido? Shit... I can’t really remember. I drank that bottle of soju pretty fast so I was a bit buzzed... Before I could wrack my brain any further, I was right behind him. Well, let's hope he’s still got a good sense of humor.

“Hey Edgelord.”

“Um, hey?” he said, looking confused, but not mad. Well that’s a relief. 

“Funny running into you here. How’ve you been?”

I could feel his confusion rise. Maybe he doesn’t recognize me?

“Uh, I’ve been good.”

Well, I’m already here, so lets roll with it. 

“Well that’s good to hear. You’ve been feeling okay?” 

I smiled at him to try and put him at ease, but it seemed to have the opposite effect. He looked at the ground and shifted awkwardly at my question. When he looked back at me I could feel the anxiety swirl around in his head. When I felt a slight realization from him, I tilted my head to the side as if to ask if he had recognized me yet.

“Y-yeah, I’ve been feeling fine.” he stuttered. 

Guess not. I giggled. I didn't really care whether he recognized me or not, but it was good to know he was doing alright.

“Oh good. So, do you need any help moving in? I got bullied into volunteering anyway, so I might as well be of some use.” I showed him the heinous shirt I was wearing and rolled my eyes. He looked at it and laughed.

“Nice, but I think w-” 

His friend came up beside him and poked him in the side, apparently really hard considering his clenched jaw, and cut him off.

“What my colleague means to say is that he’s super weak and could really use your help moving in.” the blonde said to me with a sweet grin. 

I laughed again and nodded towards the car next to us. 

“You got it. Is this everything?” 

I leaned down and picked up a box, leaning it against my hip. Edgelord nodded and I followed them upstairs to their dorm. I talked with the blonde as we made a couple of trips between the car and the dorm since Edgelord was being quiet and, well, edgy. His friend was an absolute riot though. I already loved him.

“Who knew Edgelord would have such cool friends? I honestly thought he was a figment of my imagination until I saw him again today. I mean, who even likes grapefruit soju?” We cracked up at the slight jabs I threw. 

“Yeah, I think me and Denki got the rest.” Edgelord said, cutting us off abruptly. 

I tuned back into his emotions. He was feeling really uncomfortable, as if something I said had shut him down. I was honestly a bit annoyed by his rudeness at first, but I decided to let it go. He clearly didn't want me there anymore.

“Oh, okay cool. I’ll be on my way then.” I said, trying to keep my tone cheerful. I turned to the blonde. 

“It was really cool meeting you though! I’m glad we got to talk for a bit. Hopefully I’ll see you around.”  I shot him a big smile and headed towards the door. 

“Hold on there, stranger! What’s your name?” he called out to me.

“Oh right! It’s Katsumi, but you can call me Kat, everybody does.”

“Hi, Kat! I’m Denki, but you can call me anytime.” He shot me some finger guns, which I found corny, yet endearing. 

“Okay, you got it.” I chuckled.

I made my way past Edgelord and left, turning the corner and heading back to the main entrance to help the stragglers finish moving in. I wonder what set him off like that... Weird. 

Once the student mover volunteers were released from duty, I immediately called Mina to hang out. She was always the best person to unwind with, especially when I was in the mood to drink a bit after a long day. I dialed her number.

“What it do babyyyyy?”

“My place, ten minutes, B.Y.O.B, I have a couple of beers left.”

“Down, be there soon.”

I hung up and pulled out some snacks for us. Mina arrived a little while later with two packs of our favorite beer and a big smile on her face. We just lounged around and talked some shit about people in our lives that the other one didn’t know as we drank. I loved Mina because she was so easy to be around. We didn’t have to do anything but enjoy each other’s company to have a good time. 

“Hey Mina.”

“Hmm?” She turned to me, away from the television that I had put on for background noise.

“Do you remember that guy that I told you about? The one from the summer with the fucked up purple hair that cried to me at a bus stop?”

“I mean, I remember you mentioning it, but I know a lot of people with fucked up purple hair that cry a lot so...”

“Well, I saw him again today. He actually goes to the same university as me.” “No fucking way.” She sat up a bit, seeming more interested. 

“Yeah, but he was acting super weird when I was talking to him. It was like he didn’t want to be around me or something... but his roommate was super cool. His name was Denki, I think.”

“Wait what did you just say? Did you just say Denki?”

“Um, yeah. I’m pretty sure that was his name.”

“Blonde, with a black bolt? Corny as hell?”

“Yep, that's the one.”

“Shut the fuck up. This whole time you were talking about Shinso? Like...SHINSO Shinso?”

“Oh my god you're right, that was his name... Wait, how did you know that?”

“We all went to high school together.” she said, leaning back into her lounging position, pulling out her phone. 

“That’s crazy, what a small world. Anyway, I’m going to go to the bathroom real quick, do you want me to grab you another drink on my way back?”

“Yes please!” she sang. 

What I didn’t know was that while I was in the bathroom, Mina was up to no good. 

                                                 Mina’s Phone

                                           ⚡️ Discount Zeus⚡️

                                                      Today

                                                                                                      Biiitchhhhhh

Speak, wench

                                              ��     You’re living with Shinso this semester right?

Yyyup

                                                                       And some girl came over today? 

                                                                                                A little brunette?

...yes...spill… 👀

                                                                                 SHE’S MY BEST FRIEND 

Biiitch…

You’re fucking w me rn???

                                                  IM LITERALLY AT HER PLACE RIGHT NOW

NO FUCKING wAY ahkswsuwdl

You know her and my son, shinso had 

a lil moment over the summer right??

                                                                        Yes omfg she told me about it

                                                                         Dude, fucking EDGELORD?? 

                                                                                                          💀💀💀

STOOOOP

I was hOWLINGGG

⚰️⚰️⚰️⚰️⚰️⚰️⚰️⚰️

                                                                                                       LMAOOO 

                                                                           Ok but on some real shit....

                                                                       Im tryna stir the pot.... You in?

Are you seriously asking me that??

You know I’m always down to rustle 

some jimmies 🤠

but like...what we doing?

                                                    Don’t tell Shinso anything, just bring him to 

                                                                                 Kiri’s party this weekend.

omg that sounds like a scrumptious idea!!

                                                                               Speaking of scrumptious,

                                                                            lets get food before. Imy bb

yessssss

& let’s bring our children with us

Marley’s? you know that’s our spot 🤤

                                                              YEEESSS MARLEYSSSS im so down

                                                        I miss Marley’s I haven’t been all summer

then it’s a must

can’t wait 😈

(Shinso’s POV)

“Dude...what the fuck! Why did you wait until now to tell me this?! I thought you loved me! “ Denki whined with an exaggerated pout on his lips.

I cocked my head to the side “When did I say that?” I questioned with feigned confusion.

“First of all, fuck you. Second of all, I know you love me so shut up. Third, wait we’re on three right? Right. Third, we're besties til death do us part so there’s some invisible contract that states that I get expedited dibs on all your dark, dirty secrets.” He concluded smugly, as if he made a point.

“Oops, I breached the contract." I stated apathetically. "but I told you now, so no need to cry about it.” I went to mock wiping a tear from his face and he immediately attempted to bite my hand. I reflexively shoved him away.

 “Why are you like this?” I choked out between laughter.

Denki shrugged. “My body literally microwaves my brain so...maybe that’s why.”

I shook my head at him and hopped off the bed to continue unpacking. After a couple minutes, I realized that Denki was too quiet. That was a rarity for him. At this point, he would usually be asking me personal and/or wildly inappropriate questions to catch up on the summer where I went from seeing him almost every day to about once a week. This was a huge difference according to his standards. Yeah, he's kinda clingy like that, but I didn't mind, to be honest. There were a couple weeks in between where I didn't see him, because I was at the start of processing the breakup, using the word process lightly. I looked back at him to see him grinning devilishly at his phone. I assumed he was talking to a potential “date’’ and went back to what I was doing. 

About an hour later, I was pretty much done. The only thing that stood out on my side was one large Rorschach inkblot poster above my bed. I had always interpreted it as two kitties playing with a ball of yarn, but I left it up to the viewers interpretation. That and no one needed to know why I liked the poster so much. 

“Ayo, Shinso.” Denki called out to me. 

I gave him my attention and the look on his face made me a little uneasy. 

“Want to go to Kiri’s party this weekend?” 

I knew Denki was aware that I wasn’t a big fan of parties, but he seemed eager so it was hard to say no. Since it’s the beginning of the semester, I’ll play nice for now. This wasn’t the first excursion that he had dragged me out on and I was sure it wouldn’t be the last.

“Yeah, sure.”

“Wait, really? That easy?” he questioned in disbelief. 

“What do you mean?” I asked, mild annoyance creeping into my voice.

“You usually don’t say yes the first time around. I always have to whip out my boyish charm to convince you.”

I rolled my eyes at Denki, laughing under my breath.

“Also, before the party, we’re gonna eat at Marley’s with Mina and her friend. Y’know, our beloved grease-bucket.”

I raised my eyebrows in mock excitement. I always had to mentally prepare for when Denki and Mina were in the same room. It was easy to get overstimulated with their relentless energy, especially because they build off each other. It was similar to being in a wind tunnel, I would say. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy their combined company. Just…in moderation.

It was finally Friday, and the first week of classes were done thankfully. I was tired of going over syllabi. Denki and I pulled up to Marley’s and she was looking janky as ever. I can’t lie, the food was disgustingly good. It sounds like an oxymoron but I assure you, it’s not. Your tongue and brain were in ecstasy but you could just feel the sludge forming around your heart and slowing it down. I tried not to frequent this place due to that reason. My mouth was already watering as I stepped out of the car. I immediately caught  a glimpse of Mina’s pink mop behind the window. The mess we call hair is something we could relate to each other on. She was prematurely flipping us off as we walked by her towards the entrance. Since Denki is an actual child, he immediately ran towards Mina, swiftly sliding into the booth. They embraced each other dramatically with a series of squeals. They pulled apart for a mutual cheek kiss, when a small flash of light connected them. 

“Ah! You bitch!” Mina exclaimed as Denki leaned against the table, chest convulsing with laughter. 

Mina began giggling reluctantly, before hovering a small bead of acid above her finger, eyeing Denki threateningly. 

“No no no, please! I’m sorry!” he sputtered. 

Mina raised her brow smugly at his pleading and evaporated the droplet. 

“Hey Shithead, I mean, Shinso.” Mina greeted casually. 

“Hey, Meanie.” I addressed her with my usual nickname for her, before sitting down.

We all looked over the menu, cracking jokes at eachother like usual. 

“Mina, when is your friend going to be here?” Denki asked. 

Oh yeah, I forgot there was supposed to be another person coming.

 “Uuuuuuuh, right now.” 

I followed Mina’s gaze to the entrance of the Diner. You’ve got to be fucking kidding me. I saw the same little brunette from earlier in the week. My head snapped back to Denki and Mina’s faces. They were deviously chittering to each other and tried their best not to look at me or else they’d lose all composure. I did not look back again and just fixed my eyes on the menu. I heard her footsteps approaching and realized the only seat available was next to me.

[satonthelotuspier]

I’m a bit under the weather rn and unable to get out of bed. Using the time to do some work on the NieLan fic (8k in, getting there, ish?) between feeling sorry for myself, and I haven’t put anything out for a while. Therefore, have the SFT - Safe for Tumblr (but still a little spicy) part of the XiCheng cat ears fic that took over my brain based loosely on this post here. Full version (when I’ve finished it, it is not this day though) will go on AO3. Contains sexual language.

Jiang Cheng realised he’d fucked up when he saw the presents on the dining table.

Well, at first he didn’t, at first he ran through the list of birthdays, wedding anniversaries, friends who were expectant and so forth in his head and came up completely blank.

Then the date clicked in his brain.

February 14th.

Fuck.

He had forgotten Valentines day. And the worst thing was he knew Lan Xichen wouldn’t mind. He was too fucking laid back, too accepting of Jiang Cheng’s failings as a boyfriend, or, even worse, he had such low expectations of Jiang Cheng to begin with.

Had he heard Jiang Cheng come in?

Snowdrop hadn’t raised a fuss and run to him, so maybe they were out on a walk, or in the garden, and Jiang Cheng could sneak back out and head straight to the mall.

Even the thought of dealing with the mass of humanity out valentines shopping for their significant other’s was the lesser of evils when measured against Lan Xichen’s happiness.

He had just turned to walk back to the door and try and slip out when the excited barking and scritch of toenails on the wooden floor announced he’d been made.

Snowdrop barrelled through the house and over to Jiang Cheng to announce how pleased she was he had returned, followed by Lan Xichen who wrapped him up in a hug and placed a gentle kiss against his lips.

“Wanyin” he murmured, “Welcome back, we missed you”

“I only left yesterday morning” Jiang Cheng couldn’t help replying.

“And I missed you since yesterday morning” thank goodness Lan Xichen wasn’t sensitive about Jiang Cheng’s inability to accept tenderness without returning sarcasm.

“OK, needy much?” Jiang Cheng was answered this time with another kiss.

He was released eventually, and Snowdrop wanted another turn at his attention, which he was glad to give her, to avoid the inevitable evidence of his huge fuck up getting out.

Once Snowdrop was sated he could ignore Lan Xichen and the situation no longer; at least he had thought so but the other had retreated to the kitchen to make a request for dinner from the chef.

Honestly Jiang Cheng still wasn’t used to having staff, not that he did, they were definitely Lan Xichen’s.

Just like the majority of this house.

Jiang Cheng had eventually given in to Lan Xichen on the issue of living arrangements, the other arguing it was stupid to resent his money and for them to live below their means just for the sake of Jiang Cheng’s pride. But Jiang Cheng had forced the other to have a contract drawn up which had stipulated if, for whatever reason (i.e. Lan Xichen’s reaching his limit with Jiang Cheng) they broke up Jiang Cheng would only walk away with what he had put into the cost of their house, which was almost negligible in comparison. Lan Xichen had told him he felt uncomfortable with the stipulation but of course had had no other option but to agree, especially when Jiang Cheng told him it was the only way he’d feel any measure of comfort with the arrangement.

                                                            ***

The presents weren’t touched upon again until much later that evening. Lan Xichen had disappeared briefly with their empty wine glasses and reappeared with the two boxes in his hands.

Jiang Cheng swallowed nervously. He was about to make his grovelling apology when one of the boxes was placed on his lap.

“Happy Valentines” Lan Xichen told him and watched expectantly. Jiang Cheng opened the box to find it contained expensive spicy chocolates.

Something the Jiangs would devour but would be anathema to the Lans more ascetic palate.

Jiang Cheng forgot his guilt for a moment in his excitement.

“Oh my God, how did you find out about these? Wei Wuxian has been drooling over these for months in group chat” Jiang Cheng exclaimed; he was about to break into them when he thought better of it.

“I have my ways” was all Lan Xichen would reveal on the subject.

“I’m going to love trying them, and rubbing Wei Wuxian’s face in it. Thank you” he actually leaned over to press a kiss against Lan Xichen’s lips, and the other beamed like he’d been offered a blowjob rather than just one, freely given, kiss. Which, considering his complete and utter failure to prepare for the most romantic holiday of the year was about all he had to offer the other in return.

The thought sobered him and he was about to apologise when again Lan Xichen forestalled it by dropping the other parcel in his lap.

Lan Xichen actually looked a little giddy, and it made Jiang Cheng forget his own incompetence for the second time in virtually as many minutes; he pulled the lid off the box.

And his soul left his body.

He genuinely didn’t know where to put his eyes; he was fucking sure he’d never be able to look Lan Xichen in the face again.

As soon as he thought it his eyes snapped up, “Y-you got me cat ears? For Valentines Day? Do you want your legs breaking?”

“Don’t be silly, I got me cat ears. And you missed the cute little paw-print choker” Lan Xichen pointed helpfully into the bottom of the box. “I thought you might struggle to have a gift arranged with attending your seminar, so I took the liberty of helping out. I thought you might like to...” he gestured at Jiang Cheng.

Had his eyes bulged? He felt like his eyes bulged.

This manipulative little shit though.

“Are you insane, do you crave death?”

There was a delicate shrug, “I thought you’d look very cute, is all. I understand if you don’t want to” despite his claimed understanding, Lan Xichen managed to sound pouty; but the box was put aside and wasn’t mentioned again by him.

                                                           ***

“You’re a fucking idiot” Jiang Cheng told himself later, as he stood in front of the vanity mirror in the bathroom.

Lan Xichen had taken a call from his uncle about bank business and Jiang Cheng had used the opportunity to grab the forgotten gift box and sequester himself in the en suite.

Was he really going to allow himself to be manipulated into this?

He was sure the embarrassment would make him squirm for years to come if he did.

He looked down at the cat ear headband in his hands, then back at the mirror.

He was more than a little tempted to just throw them straight into the bin, but the soft, sulky look on Lan Xichen’s face earlier had tickled his sense of guilt. Of course the other looked gorgeous even in his petulance, and he wasn’t by nature a sullen creature, so Jiang Cheng was fully aware it was all skin deep for the purpose of manoeuvring him into giving in and wearing the cursed objects; unfortunately his body was unable to build up the immunity required to protect against Lan Xichen.

He supposed he should just be thankful there was no butt-plug tail…

He let out a long, heartfelt sigh, placed the ears to one side and reached for the choker.

                                                             ***

He supposed the sexier thing to do would have been to strip naked, or at least take his t-shirt off, but he was fucked if he was going to make it even more embarrassing for himself. Therefore he was still fully clothed in his dark jeans and white v-neck t-shirt when he heard Lan Xichen enter the bedroom.

He wavered at the bathroom door for several seconds, his face a beacon of flushed self-consciousness.

He knew if he left it any longer he’d bottle it, and it would render the most embarrassing part of actually putting the accessories on and seeing himself in the mirror, moot, so he sucked in a quick, steadying breath and walked out into the bedroom.

He definitely couldn’t meet Lan Xichen’s gaze now though.

He looked determinedly at the floor as Lan Xichen turned to him.

He heard the sucked in breath, “Wanyin” the other’s voice was delighted and he expected to be crowded by Lan Xichen; either hugged or kissed. Instead he heard the double click of a mobile taking pictures.

His temper overtook his embarrassment, his eyes flared as they rose to take in Lan Xichen holding his phone.

He leapt forward, intending to take the mobile off Lan Xichen with a snarled; “You asshole”

Lan Xichen was so much faster though, and quicker than Jiang Cheng could react he caught Jiang Cheng’s wrists and used his attacking momentum to overbalance him and send them both down to the mattress. Jiang Cheng’s wrists were pinned to the bed and the offending mobile had vanished out of sight.

“You can delete the pictures later, I promise” Lan Xichen said as he looked down into Jiang Cheng’s incensed face.

“Why not now, asshole?” he swore he wasn’t going to give the other the satisfaction of pulling on his wrists, but he couldn’t help it and he ended up trying to twist his body beneath Lan Xichen; who of course greatly enjoyed the friction.

“Because I quite like you where you are right now, A-Cheng. Such a hissing, spitting kitten” Lan Xichen mocked, keeping out of biting range, but Jiang Cheng had begun to calm down as soon as he realised Lan Xichen had enacted the whole scenario to make him forget his embarrassment.

“Such a spoiled little prince, manoeuvring to get his own way all the time” Jiang Cheng snapped up at Lan Xichen, whose eyes shone with amusement.

“Let me show you the benefit of being with a spoiled prince who always gets his own way then; if I petted you nicely, would you purr for me?”

“So fucking shameless. How thick is your face that you can spout such rubbish constantly?”

“It’s a good thing we don’t both have a thin face, A-Cheng” Lan Xichen took a chance and leaned down to nuzzle at Jiang Cheng’s jawline; when the other didn’t react negatively he followed it’s line with a trail of gentle kisses, before capturing Jiang Cheng’s mouth, his own firm and possessive.

[the-cookie-of-doom]

Next I want to question would probably be the Angsty Band AU, because who doesn’t love an angsty band au. Who’s in the band? Playing what? Is this a non-supernatural au?

This is a totally human AU, where Mitch went to college and got a degree in music production, and after graduation Stiles convinced Mitch to start a band with him. I think they started out as just a typical garage band making videos for YouTube, until they got some songs written and started auditioning new members. 

The band name is Sutures, because of course it is ; ) Stiles suggested it and Mitch thought it was cool so he agree, but a split second he Realized, but it was too late to take it all back because the rest of the band already agreed. Stiles is a smug little shit about it lol

Stiles is the singer and Mitch is the bassist/backup vocals. He’s also written a lot/most of the songs, and he’s left handed. Katrina later comes in on the middle of a tour to play keys for them when their keyboardist breaks their hand; her and Mitch dated in college and they haven’t spoken in a while, but he didn’t have anyone else to call, and she was happy to come along. She later (unknowingly) causes Angst and Discontent between Mitch and Stiles, and it’s about  95% Mitch’s fault. (That may actually be from the other angsty band AU....)

Also Stiles, being like 19/20 years old and high strung, suffering from the stress and pressure of his first tour, which is Really Big because they’ve garnered a large fanbase, fully succumbs to the sex drugs and rock and roll lifestyle. Mitch is pissed, because his one condition for doing this with Stiles, fully funding the band and making it actually happen, was that Stiles wouldn’t get into that shit. 

I’m not sure who all would be included from TW, I never decided on who would be in the band or anything. But Lydia is their PR manager/agent? She’s a terrifying force to be reckoned with, for sure lol

heeere is a scene that’s lurking around tumblr, but I didn’t want to go find it xD

“Jesus fucking Christ, Stiles.” Mitch grabbed his brother by the wrist and hauled him into an equipment closet. He backed Stiles against a high stack of speakers, cutting him off from escape. “What did you take? What did you fucking take?” 

Stiles refused to answer, shaking his head with a clenched jaw. There was a tremble in his limbs that he tried to hide. When Mitch grabbed him by the jaw and forcefully tilted his head into the light, his pupils didn’t contract, blown wide till the brown was only a thin ring around the black. Both were symptoms of stimulants. 

Mitch shoved away from Stiles in disgust. Outside were thousands of fans waiting for them, and Stiles was busy getting high. 

“This was your dream,” Mitch hissed. He raked a hand through his hair, didn’t know what to do. Angry, he turned back to Stiles and shoved him back into the speakers. “Your dream, not mine! And you’re just throwing it away. But you’re not the only one that’ll be affected, you selfish brat.” 

“Mitch I’m sorry—I didn’t—it’s not like—“

“Shut the fuck up.” Mitch took out his phone to call Lydia, barking at her to come meet them. She arrived promptly, coming into the room with stern features and cold eyes, clearly unimpressed. “He’s strung out,” Mitch told her, gesturing to Stiles who couldn’t stop scratching himself, like he was jonesing for another fix. Like snorting all he had wasn’t enough. Mitch was seething, couldn’t stand to look at him. Because just like always, now Mitch had to go clean up his mess. “Don’t let him anywhere near the stage.”

“Who will sing.”

“I wrote the damn songs, I’ll do it.” Lydia looked at him flatly, clearly doubting him. Mitch didn’t care.

“You hate singing.”

“Yeah, I hate a lot of things.” Stiles flinched at the venom in his brother’s voice, knowing he was at the top of that list. It made him want to cry but he didn’t want to give Mitch the satisfaction. Not that he would care, as angry as he was. “Don’t let him out of your sight.”

“I’m sorry,” Stiles whispered, his eyes stinging. 

“No you’re not. Fuck. Of all times to pull this shit, Stiles. I thought you were smarter than this.” 

Stiles reeled back like he’d been slapped. But that was all the time Mitch was going to give him. He left the room, running out onto stage to tell their band mates Stiles wouldn’t be able to play, and apologizing to the fans while explaining the situation as best he could without telling them Stiles was getting fucked up in a back room.

After this, Mitch just about leaves the band. Lydia has to track him down and drag him back, because there’s no way they can just leaves the fans hanging like this, they still have to finish the tour. 

Stiles is kicked off the tour though, and Mitch has to take over vocals. Surprisingly, the fans love him, even more than Stiles. Tabloids are reporting that their success is at an all time high now that their mysterious, reclusive bassist is stepping into the spotlight.  

Seeing how much everyone loves Mitch, how much better their doing without him, sends Stiles into an awful depression spiral as he realizes they don’t need him. 

God and there is so much more to this AU that I can’t remember. I need to find a way to download my Tumblr chat because I know it’s in there, but from like. Last February. 

I remember that Mitch completely cuts off contact with Stiles after catching him getting high on the tour, and doesn’t seek him out even when it ends. when he finally tries, he can’t find Stiles, and has to ask Lydia if she knows where he is. 

Stiles did end up going to rehab. He didn’t tell Mitch because he didn’t want Mitch thinking he was the only reason Stiles was doing it; he did it for himself. He knew he was messed up and needed to get help. And Mitch is proud of him for it, apologizes for the way things happened, etc. 

After, the bands gets all back together. And later Stiles finds Mitch acting kind of secretive, clearly working on a new project. He keeps pestering but Mitch refuses to tell him what it is, doesn’t want to show him until it’s done. 

When it is, the group all meets up at the studio (maybe he and Stiles have an apartment or something, and they converted one of the rooms to a recording studio? Maybe not, unimportant.) And Mitch plays the new song he’s been working on, which I’ve low key always imaged as Under Your Scars by Godsmack. It’s an emotional moment, but ends on a bitter sweet note because no one in the band knows just who Mitch wrote it for. They can’t. So the entire time Stiles is just standing there trying not to cry and give anything away. 

Also if you want to know what I imagine Mitch sounding like, I think something like Adelitas Way, with a little bit of Ice Nine Kills, specifically the deeper parts of Stabbing In The Dark. I actually started keeping a list of songs that sounded like Mitch to me, but idk where it is rn. I keep meaning to make a playlist for it xD

I was actually going to do some vocal editing on a couple different songs to make an “album” of how I imagined Mitch sounding, but my software wasn’t cooperating with me >_> But like, I did a whole Thing, taking clips from American Assassin and doing some vocal analysis to separate out the different tones in Dylan’s voice, and then changing the vocals of the songs to match, because I am Extra. Except it was fucking with the instrumental and I gave up lol, but I would love to finish that project some day. 

[araminia16]

Not An Illness After All (The Birth)

A/N: So I was originally going to post this tomorrow (Tuesday) but after I did another read through tonight after working on my tablet for my job for an hour and a half I realized I probably wasn’t going to change anything else so I’ll be merciful on you and post it today but it’s nearly tomorrow anyway. I hope I did these two continued justice in my portrayal.  Keep in mind I’ve gone through labor but not actual deliver but I am an RN and have watched loads of Call the Midwife so....  

XxOxX

The carriage lurched to a halt and Claudia’s foot slid unsteadily on the wet floor. A quick glance behind her and she could have snorted with the look of bewilderment on the elf’s face.

Claudia brushed white locks behind her own ear as Callum stumbled off his horse and nearly collided with Claudia on her way out.

He poked his head into the carriage and surveyed the liquid on the floor then assessed his wife, “Rayla. Are you okay?”

She had to blink a couple times before she answered, “Does it look like I’m ‘okay’ husband? I’ve made a mess all over the floor and--oh there’s another one.” She grimaced and held her back while she took several deep breaths.

“Okay. Well. This could have been timed a bit better with us being on the road and all.” He tried to sound flippant but it came out strained.

“I heard the commotion. Get in you fool boy so I can have a good look at her.”

Callum scrambled up and tried to avoid the worst of the water on the floor while he situated himself awkwardly at her back. The moon elf healer possibly midwife also entered the small space.

“This will hardly be the best area for a good once over and you will likely have very little in the way of modesty by the time this whole bit is done with so do as I say and I will make this as painless as possible.”

“What are you going to do?” Callum eyed her hands suspiciously as she pulled out a flask of something on her person and gave her hands a good douse.

“That’s alcohol.” Rayla sniffed and sneezed at the strong odor.

“It will do until we can find a better substitute. Now. Legs spread. Lean on your husband and bring your bottom down for me.”

“I don’t even know yer name and ya expect me ta give ya all that?”

“I’m Gellie. Now. Do as I say.”

Rayla managed to get into a position which was uncomfortable but sufficient as the healer reached up her dress and further. Callums hand quickly became uncomfortable as she squeezed his fingers for dear life and uttered a low whine of pain as more of the healers arm disappeared. Callum was about to utter  a word in some concern when she pulled back and Rayla relaxed her grip. “That bloody well hurt.” She hissed out.

“Three fingers. Mostly soft.”

“What does that mean.” Callum rubbed Rayla’s shoulder and arm soothingly.

“She’s a long way yet to go. A few hours at least.”

“Hours?” Came the outraged reply. “What do ya mean hours? It hurts now.”

“That won’t get any better I’m afraid. You aren’t open enough for the babe to come through. Your body will take care of that. We should get moving unless you want to wait here for the appearance of the little one?”

“So she’s not going to have it now then is she?” Callum wished he hadn’t spoken at all with the look of exasperation Gellie gave him.

“Not likely.”

“How unlikely? Give me a percentage.”

“I can give no guarantees but I can tell you first time mothers often go the longest with the first baby. There is time to get somewhere safer than the road, warmer, and cleaner as well.”

“Let’s go then. I want to be home. In the bath like we talked about.” Rayla huffed out.

“Katolis is too far. I can tell you that you will cross the border but you will likely have to stay at the fort close by.”

“My aunt Amaya is still stationed there. She helped my mom with this stuff.” Callum was pretty sure he remembered his aunt mentioning it when he told her about Rayla’s pregnancy.

“We should go then.”

“We should send and arrow to Katolis. Tell Ezran about the baby.” Rayla looked back at him as she sat up. “And tell your Aunt she should be expecting visitors.”

Callum reached up and rubbed the back of his head with a nervous smile, “We don’t have any.”

“What? What have I told ya about keeping at least one in a group with us?”

“That we should but I was busy. I’ll go ahead and let them know.”

Claudia piped up from outside, “Are you insane, Callum? Rayla’s in labor. You need to stay here. I’ll go ahead.”

“Claudia.” Callum started.

“Look. Soon you are going to have to start trusting me again. I know it’s been a long time and everything with Soren and my dad but we’ve stopped the dark magic. It’s already taken its toll on my body. I want to help you guys.”

Rayla and Callum exchanged a long look and he sighed, “Go and come back.”

“Thanks.”

“I’ll be out there. It’s a bit cramped here. Oh and we will get some towels to soak up the mess.” Gellie exited the carriage just as another contraction started up.

Rayla’s hand clenched at the seat and she huffed and gave a low groan, “These hurt worse than the practice ones. It’s no’ fair.”

“Didn’t you feel them before?” He realized after he asked it might have sounded confrontational but if Rayla thought so she didn’t comment.

“Well I had a bit of a back ache. I still do. It just started getting bad when my water’s came.” She gestured to the floor. “It’s just our luck. A week overdue and on the road. The timing could have been better.” She rubbed her belly fondly despite her irritation.

“Well then we will just get to the border and cross it, then go from there. Perfect plan.” He opened the door. “Let’s move. We’ve got to get to the border to Xadia sooner rather than later.”

The carriage lurched forward and Rayla had to put a hand out to stop from lurching with it while Callum sat across from her. One of their party brought some towels to the two of them to put on the floor.

Though now that the healer had said the baby wouldn’t just drop out onto the floor and they had some time before the show would begin. Callum’s anxiety as well as Rayla’s had diminished but the nervous energy he exuded usually made her roll her eyes and smile. Now with his finger tapping his leg and said leg in a bounce with his eyes going from her to the carriage to wherever else she sighed, “Callum. You need to go outside.”

“Why? What’s wrong?” Eyes instantly wide as he looked her over for any injury.

“Nothing but I think that if I you stay in here for much longer we both might lose our minds.” Another contraction pressed at her back and squeezed her belly as she breathed through it. “There will be some time yet before there is anything to be with me for. I want to get some rest if I can. This will likely take a while.” Rayla leaned over and placed a hand to his cheek before she kissed him sweetly.

Callum looked guilty, “But--I want to be here.”

“I know. And I want you to be here but this is not the most ideal place for you to hover. Ride next to the carriage if ya want. Or leave the window open.”

“Are you sure?”

“Positive.” In truth she had her own anxiety and didn’t want Callum to see her fear yet with it being so early in the labor. The same thoughts from earlier in the pregnancy chose now to surface. Thoughts of being unworthy, of something being wrong with her child, or if things would change between them with this child. This wasn’t the place to address it and the labor would help her to distract herself. It was a good plan.

Callum still looked apprehensive but exited the carriage after a brief stop while Rayla continued to breathe through the contractions which were growing slowly and steadily more intense but not more frequent.

“Almost there, Rayla. Are you still okay?”

“Yeah. Just fine. Not having some wee thing try to get out o’ somewhere far too small.”

“The bridge is just ahead, okay?”

“Yeah.”

She heard the pattern of hoofbeats and the sound of the wheel change as they started across the bridge back to the human kingdoms. The crossing was so much longer than it was to Xadia and by the time they reached the dirt road beyond she had started to shake a little.

“Aunt Amaya.” The carriage stopped and she heard the sound of a few people dismounting. “Rayla’s here.”

The door opened to reveal the general with a stern eye but warmed when her gaze settled on Rayla.

“Are you well?”

Rayla nodded. In the past few years the she and the General had reached the level of a friendly relationship. Not quite the warmth of family but with the years of war and the death of her sister those prejudices were difficult to break. It had taken some time as well for Callum to teach Rayla sign language. It was a language she could understand more than speak with her four fingers some signs were impossible. Over time she had developed a type of shorthand for simple phrases her aunt in law taught her. “Hurts.”

Amaya chuckled soundlessly and offered a hand for her to take. When Rayla had managed to hobble her way out of the carriage with Callums’ help she surveyed her surroundings.

The fort looked so much more welcoming than it used to with banners aloft and the absence of so many guards. Callum spoke behind her, “Do you have a room for her?”

There was no reply from Amaya and Rayla couldn’t see them sign behind her.

“Good. I’m glad we can count on Claudia. No. Stop. She was absolved of her crimes and the ones her father made were punished accordingly.”

There was silence again.

“I trust her. At least with this. Do you have a midwife?”

Rayla knew Callum’s vocalizations were for her benefit as they moved slowly up to the door to the fort. She felt another contraction build and clung to the two people at her sides while she sagged and let the pain run through her while she huffed short breaths until it passed.

To her left someone put a lock of her hair behind her ear and she glanced over at Amaya who offered a small smile and released her to sign, “You remind me of my sister. She tried not to make much noise either. Everything will be fine.”

Somehow the older woman’s words made some of the unease dissipate. “Thank you.” She said slowly and Callum squeezed her side in comfort as they continued up the stairs and into the fort.

Eventually they made their way to a large room with a bed, chairs, a few tables and a decently sized bath along with a woman in a chair.

As they entered a woman stood from one of the chairs, “Hello your highness’s I’m Emily, a midwife. I came as soon as I was sent for.”

“You aren’t needed.” A voice from behind them called out. “She should be tended to by her own kind.”

“The child is half human. Do you have any idea if there are differences between a human and elven pregnancy? Or if the child will need things you have no knowledge of?”

“This isn’t a pissing contest. There will be a bairn exiting my body in what seems like a short while from now and I want all the help I can get with tha’. Okay?” Rayla put a stop to the impending argument before it could begin. She didn’t have the patience for it.

“Yes, ma’am.” They intoned.

“That’s my girl.” Callum kissed the side of her head. “Where to?”

“There.” She gestured to the bed.

“You will need to disrobe and put a birthing gown on unless you prefer to be naked.” The human Emily spoke up.

“In a while. I’m starving and I need to pee and I hurt.” She whined and Callum sat next to her.

“If you need anything at all send the guards for me. But I think you have all the help you need here.”

Rayla and Callum nodded and were both enveloped in separate hugs before the General left them to the mercy of the healers.

“How long has it been since your water broke?”

“A few hours.” Gellie replied before Rayla could tell the human midwife herself.

“When was the last time she was checked?”

“Just after the waters appeared. We do not check frequently after the water has broken. It leads to more childbed deaths and I will not allow you to check either for at least a few more hours. Her labor seems to be progressing well.”

“Good enough then.” The human woman approached the two of them now.

Callum extended his hand and gave Emily a handshake, “Is there any way the two of you could find us some food and drink? We didn’t have much on the road and I think it would be better for her to have something, right?”

The two women couldn’t exit the room fast enough and as soon as the door closed they both relaxed. “Callum. I don’t think I can handle it if they are going to do nothing but bicker the whole time.”

“I can send one of them away if you want.”

Rayla sighed and laid her head on Callum’s shoulder while he rubbed at her upper arm. “No. I think it might be best if they both stay for now.”

“How are you feeling?”

“One moment.” Rayla shifted as another contraction began its rise until it peaked a short time later and she relaxed, “I’m miserable. Can we be done with this?”

“You heard your mother. You better get moving. You really don’t want to see her when she’s mad.” He directed his words down to her bump and used his free hand to give it a rub. “I’m terrified.”

His confession didn’t surprise her but the fact that he voiced it did, “I am too.” She placed her hand atop his and fit her fingers in between the spaces there.

“Better to be scared together then.” He took a deep breath and released it. “Let’s do this. How hard can it be. We took an egg almost to Xadia while being accosted by various individuals in my kingdom then had to take a baby dragon all the way to the Dragon Queen. This is nothing.”

“Says the one who doesn’t  have to push this thing out of a place that should be far to small for it.”

“Oh.” The word laced with dread. “It’s why you are tougher than me. I could never do it.”

“No. You couldn’t.” She teased just as the door opened again and the two midwives brought several food and drink options and discussed the benefits of their choices to Rayla who didn’t particularly care she just needed to eat.

“Would you want to walk around the room a while? It might help the babe get into position and speed along your labor.” Gellie suggested after they had eaten.

Rayla and Callum shared a look, “While I’m contracting?” She couldn’t help the incredulity in her tone.

“We would be next to you as well as your husband though I can say it is rather unorthodox for a man to be in the birthing room.” Emily commented.

“This man isn’t leaving so you can forget that. We do this together.” Callum declared in a tone which brooked no argument. “Do you want to walk?” Gentler now.

“Anything to help get this wee beastie out of me I’ll give a go.” Callum helped Rayla to stand and as she began to walk he followed a few paces behind her. Contractions came and went as she walked determined around the edge of the room with the midwives taking shifts in and out of the room. She leaned against the walls with each ascent and peak with Callum as he pressed the heel of his palm into her lower back. Emily showed him that trick when they first began their walk and Rayla seemed to think it made them hurt less and so he would do it for as long as he needed to.

It had been a few hours since they had come to the makeshift birthing room and Rayla desperately needed to get some air especially with the contractions coming every three minutes.  Coupled with the fact they lasted for at least a third of their frequency it made her miserable. It wasn’t quite enough to take her breath away but she was getting there. “I want to walk the hall for a few laps. Callum?”

Callum took her arm in hand and they walked to the door. He crafted the symbol for Aspiro and let out a small breath to open the door. His self satisfied grin prompted a chuckle as they entered the deserted hall. Amaya must have ordered her guards to avoid this area.

Rayla had just completed one circuit around the hall when the next contraction buckled her knees and Callum caught her as she braced palms on the wall and moaned against the pain. “It feels worse down under.” She managed to pant out after the contraction finished. He hurried her back to the room just as she announced, “I’m going ta be sick.”

Luckily Gellie managed to bring a sick bowl just as she emptied whatever was left in her stomach with a choked off sound of despair. “Get her clothes off and get her where she wants to deliver.” The order was one that Callum had no objection to.

He helped Rayla toward the tub and let her take off as much of her clothing as she could before the next contraction and her moan of pain was almost too much for him to bear as he rubbed her back through it. He pulled the rest of her clothing off and she stood naked as the day she was born when the midwives returned.

“The tub then? Good choice. We might need to warm the water a little.”

They had talked at length about the way she wanted to deliver and after she spoke to other women who were in her same situation or had been in it before they all prefered the tub and though Rayla still had a fear of deep running water she enjoyed a good soak in the tub. “Ya going ta help him get my fat arse in here?” She bit out and the two midwives had a good chuckle as they joined Callum to maneuver her into the tub after Callum warmed the water with a rune from the sun arcanum.

She let a moan of relief escape her when she sank into the warm water. “This is moon sent.”

“Good. Now I get to climb in there with you while your man will stay at your back and hold your hand.” Gellie hitched up her skirt to her hip with short leggings underneath. Another contraction hit and they had to wait while Rayla breathed through it while she had death grip on Callum’s fingers. After the contraction finished Gellie gave orders for her to tilt hips up and spread thighs while she performed her check, “Excellent. Fully dilated and the child is working it’s way down well. Another few contractions and you should be able to start pushing.”

“Thank the gods.” Callum and Rayla whispered gratefully.

“Almost there.” He whispered into her ear before he kissed the top of her head and rubbed the back of her hand with his thumb while the other rested on a bare shoulder while she leaned back into his chest where he sat on a chair behind her.

“When we tell you to start pushing you will have to feel it here and bear down as if you were trying to move your bowels but you must feel it here.” Gellie pressed down on a the bottom part of her vaginal canal. “I will be able to tell you if you are doing it well.”

Callum looked over from Rayla to the other midwife who set up a table with carefully placed instruments on a white cloth. She folded up towels and blankets as well and placed them nearby. “How long will she have to push?”

“Could be a few minutes or a few hours depending on how big the child is and how eager it is to come into the world and how well the mother does her job.”

“Five. At the most. You will listen to me and I won’t have any more of this foolishness ya ken?” She poked at her abdomen which definitely had changed shape even from a few hours ago. The kick she received in response choked out a laugh from her.

It was a few minutes and at least three contractions later when she felt the unbearable urge to push. By that time her position changed to where she was now on her knees and faced the edge of the tub where she could cling fully body to Callum and bury her head into his chest while her hands grasped at his shoulders and neck as she sobbed and groaned in pain.

Callum watched Gellie move behind her and downward. “Nearly there.” She encouraged gently .

Rayla shouted something intelligible into his shirt and though he couldn’t make out the words he knew they were not in the least bit kind.

“You have to push when the next pain comes, girl. Once the babe is born the worst is over.”

“You can do this. All you have to do is breathe. Breathe and push, okay?” He mumbled into her hair near her ear and Rayla remembered a time years ago where she thought Callum was dying and she spoke similar words to him. Where she first had the inkling of deep care for a boy she had only known for a short while. A care that developed into a deep friendship and into love over time. This baby was proof of it.

When the next contraction began it’s agony she gritted her teeth and tensed downward while her nails dug into cloth and flesh with a moan long vibrated into Callum’s skin while his arms wrapped around her held her upper half steady.

“That’s it. Give me two more of those and this little one shall be here in no time at all.”

Rayla panted wearily and looked up at Callum and he grinned down at her. “Did you hear that?”

“I did. I have ears. I’m already so tired, Callum.”

“It’s not just you. It’s me too. We help each other. You can do this. You have to.” The gentle encouragement chased away some of her annoyance at his part in this predicament she found herself in now.

“Then you can get in here and do this for me.”

Callum laughed and the rich sound danced in her ears while she laid her head back down onto his chest. He knew how to move so her horns didn’t catch him on the cheek or chin. Pain makes one learn quickly though Rayla tried to be conscious of them herself.

When the next contraction hit she screamed into the cloth again while she bore down but this time the pain did not leave her when she stopped. It remained a constant stretched burn though she felt a little something give way this time. .

“The head is born. Not much hair to speak of. You can look if you want.”

“No.” She muttered. “I’ll look after the rest of it shows up.”

“This next contraction I want you to relax your pushes. Little ones on my command. Pant instead of groan, yes? Do not give me a strong one. The child has to work it’s way free and turn a little.”

“Yes.” Rayla managed and felt so bone tired.

When the next contraction surged up she did as the midwife said and panted harshly from turned head into the air as she felt things move down there that shouldn’t. “Pant. Pant. Good girl.” And suddenly the pressure let up and she felt such euphoric relief she would have collapsed if not for Callum’s embrace.

The disturbance in the water behind them prompted her to turn around as the second midwife wrapped a stick armed creature in a towel and began to rub it vigorously. A strange flesh colored rope dangled from the child into the water. The cord. Callum thought absently though his focus was on the obscured bundle in the midwife’s arms.  

They didn’t dare breathe as they watched the midwives work. One of them brought a tube and Gellie placed it into the still not breathing child’s mouth while she put the other side into hers and sucked in. The sound of thick mucus loud in the near silent room.

The bundle gave a jerk and then a cough before the arms and legs properly pulled in as the child began to squall in earnest. The relief in the room almost something palpable as the midwife handed Rayla the new bundle with minor instruction on how to hold it properly.

It was the most beautiful sight either of them had ever beheld, “Hello then, little one.”

XxOxX

A/N: So now is where you get to leave me a comment on if you think it’s a boy or girl.. You don’t get any prizes except knowing you were right. :) I am also cruel to not reveal it yet but the next chapter will be out sooner than you think. Probably by the weekend if my work week doesn’t go to shite. But with another nurse gone it probably will. So give me some motivation. I’m going to need a lot of good vibes this week. See you soon Lovelies!

[neutralblue-blog1]

Saw my second rheumatologist a couple of days ago. She was quirky, kind, and intelligent. I forgot that specialists could be like this tbh. She confirmed what I sadly already knew though - and I say this not because it's how Ive felt for a while now but because she admitted it herself lol - no one knows shit about fibromyalgia or cfs, and the shit they do "know" are actually just guesses.

Session began with usual "lets talk about your pain and sensations and do some pressure exams where I do stuff like drag a tissue across different parts of your body to detect hyper sensitivity" ect. Then I had to talk about my trauma which I suppose I had clearly misunderstood as simply "regular happens to us all" trauma due to my doctor's reaction. She looked horrified. She immediately jumped to my seeing a clinical psychologist as my first line of treatment lmao. And look, it's not that Ive given up on therapy.. I actually think it's an immensely important service hence why I originally did a psych degree.. It's just it's too expensive right now even with the mh plan discount. That lead her to suggest PEA, or Palmitoylethanolamide, a new super supplement which is supposed to be the new turmeric but is, according to the evidence base for far, comparable with some strong pain medication when it comes to pain relief (Ive tried understanding how it works through research but it's confusing - all I know is that it mediates and interacts with the endocannoiboid system which does have a strong link with pain perception and sensation). I'm at the stage tho where I've realised conventional medicine has mostly failed me and I need to start taking plant medicines or natural supplements even more seriously than I already do. Of course, therein rests another problem... with my using PEA is that a month's supply from a compounding pharmacy costs about $60 to $80. Moreover, as it turns out the pros of PEA don't start appearing for 3 months, so I'd need to spent at least $270 before it would begin to be effective lol.

I kind of laughed aloud unintentionally when she told me this but you know, this is what happens when you get diagnosed with an elusive illness that medical science doesn't understand - I mean they've established a basic mechanism but the rest is a crude estimation at best. When I told her I couldn't afford the PEA but ~thanks4thememories~ she looked sad and so I thought "stuff it" and just suggested my trying the buprenorphine patch, justifying it as being like tramadol but less sloppy and covered by the pbs, she looked at me like id just lit my own fart. I told her straight out I wasn't interested in codeine, or oxy or morphine or fentanyl - I don't want to be high as a kite, I want to be functional. I gave her a continued justification and she was like, in a nice socially awkward way, "pls stop now so I can respond." More or less she said "maybe," and that she'd make some inquires. I'm pretty sure her letter to my gp will be like "she suggested the buprenorphine but that's not being prescribed she's only 28 yo lol." Anyway I'm going to delude myself with optimism again and pretend her "maybe" has miraculously turned into a "yes" because I can't handle my pain rn

I can't handle my pain and all joking aside it makes me wish for a calm gentle eternal sleep to wash on over me. Some nights like tonight, where I've been too fatigued all weekend to do anything but lay alone in pain and malaise, and now, new week, and I've contracted this cough and cold combination (again) and I feel just so suffocated by illness. I feel helpless like a child, and all I want is to be nurtured but my partner is working 60-70 hours a week doing a PhD and teaching and they are absolutely exhausted - there's just not enough time or energy or money between us it feels sometimes. They are so special to me and I want more time with them badly but these are sacrifices we make to be with good hearted, exceptional people.

Its the times where I'm enveloped by illness that I am at my weakest and most sad I suppose. Sad or pathetic, or both.Either way it's cathartic to write it all down. I feel like I have no other agency besides my introspection.

I'll likely delete this post later. Just speaking into the void here, oversharing in a public domain, don't mind me.

[nikkithomas]

March 10th

Last weekend I spent the night at the VA Hospice. My aunt and uncle were there with my grandpa and I didn’t want them to be there alone. My grandpa Arthur was like a father to me. My uncles were more like brothers to me than anything else.

Grandpa was one of the hardest working people I’ve ever known. He ran his branch of Nationwide insurance and then when he got off work there...he’d go home and farm tobacco. My uncle and I were talking about working in that tobacco. I hated pulling plants...riding the setter...sweating out in the sun...trying to scrub the residue off your hands...but there was nothing better than the smell of that tobacco curing inside the barn in the fall. We were taught how to work.

Seems like you always remember the craziest things at times like this. My grandpa was proud of my reading skills. When I was four years old...he’d brag on me and get me to read the information off the pesticide buckets to my uncle Roy or anyone else he could get to listen. He also told me that my brain was too big and that made me “too wide between the eyes.” The other thing that seems ironic now as someone who ended up in radio...is that he’d tell us that we were “broadcastin’...when we ought to be a tunin’ in”. When my grandma would tell us some piece of news from around town...he’d refer to her as “Big 6”...which was a reference to WSM AM.

We all heard stories about Ronnie Milsap. Grandpa and grandma had a little store down near Santeetlah Dam near the entrance of Goldmine. Grandpa used to help Ronnie’s mama Grace here and there. He gave them food and sometimes he’d give Ronnie clothes and shoes when he was tiny. Grandpa knew they had it rough. He tried to help anyone he could. I’ve spent many years with him in the car driving over the Dragon...back when it was just Hwy 129...going to see my Aunt Pearl in Madisonville and my uncles in Knoxville and Maryville.

My grandpa was a Master Sgt in the Army during World War II stationed and fighting in the Philippines. One of the RN’s taking care of him, is a guy named Leonard.

Leonard told me...my aunt and uncle that he felt that it was an honor and blessing to be able to take care of my grandpa in his final days. The US Army fought for and beside his people in the Philippines...and Leonard was proud to be there for him. There was something special about hearing that from him. War wasn’t kind to my grandpa. He contracted Malaria while overseas and had recurring bouts of sickness throughout the rest of his life. He was tough as nails...but he was no stranger to the VA hospital.

My grandpa got to join my grandma and my dad this morning. He was the baby of his family. When my mom and dad were off playing music...he and my grandma...and my grandpa and grandma on my mom’s side took care of me. I’m blessed to have known them all. My kids were fortunate to know them.

People always seem to ask...”well how old was he or she” when someone elderly passes. It’s as if the acknowledgment of their age takes away from the grief you’re allowed to feel. Not everyone is close to their grandparents. Mine were like my parents. While my grandfather lived almost 95 years...he was where I got my work ethic...this long Shope chin and I’m pretty sure he’s where I got a good dose of my Millsaps temper...(God bless my grandma for her Turbeville blood that evened that temper out as I’ve grown older...actually...the Butler and Wakefield part of me probably helped even that temper out too. Trust me...it took a village...so-to-speak.) that doesn’t make it okay that we have to say goodbye. My grandparents took care of me. A lot.

Losing someone in a world of insincerity and empty words...and hollow...although well intended, sentiment...just seems to drive home the sobering reality that there’s one less person on earth that will love and care about you. When I say I love someone or care about someone...I really mean it. Not everyone does. Not everyone believes you when you tell them those words. ..most likely because they’ve been left hanging or felt that cold sting of the realization that they just don’t matter to someone as much as that person means to them.

Today...there’s one less person that actually loves and cares about me and my family. I’m sad about that.

Today...there’s one less person that genuinely means what he said when he talked to me. (He loved teasing me about my weight. I’ll even miss that. I always joked with him that if he didn’t straighten up...that I’d get him in a headlock.)

I’m sad for all my family has lost. I’m proud of how well my aunt and uncle and my cousins took him into their home and took care of him. I’m thankful that God allowed me to move back home in time to come visit with him before he passed. I’m happy that he woke up in heaven with my grandma, his parents, my dad, his brothers and sisters and the good friends waiting for him. Most of all...I’m glad to have been able to call him my grandpa.

William Arthur Millsaps

4/23/23-3/10/18 at 10:10 am

[lindsaynsmith]

Read It Should Have Been You, a Short Story on the Future of Death

Read It Should Have Been You, a Short Story on the Future of Death https://ift.tt/2yJcfcp

Image: Kundra/Shutterstock

[Beginning Log File 0289]

Fuck you.

No, seriously, fuck you.

My collection site hurts particularly bad today and I’m cranky, but I need to focus on you. You, the one with the permanent bag under your left eye after you let your dumbass cousin hack your car and turn the ADT off. Your face slammed into the console, which turned your orbital bone into an assortment of mismatched, razor-sharp puzzle pieces that tried to find homes in the gooey surface of your eye, but it was Shakyra who flew through the windshield and wetly slid down the hood until she plopped onto the road. The ambulance had already been deployed the moment she crashed into the car in front of you two, but when it arrived five minutes later, its sirens weren’t even on. It eased to a stop and two paramedics casually slid from the front seat. The road sensors had already told them she was dead.

You were spared from the full visual effect of her broken, bleeding body because you’d gone temporarily blind in that left eye. But you knew. The paramedics knew. The onlookers, who cruised by in their own self-driving cars, never stopping, never slowing down—they knew, too. But you weren’t thinking of Shakyra as stupid then, not yet. All you were thinking as the paramedics guided you onto the stretcher was, “No.”

Shit, I hate thinking about that. Fuck, fuck, fuck—

[Log file recording terminated. Progress saved.]

…Shit. Calm down. They’re listening, of course they are. They always are.

But back to you. That accident is where my story begins.

When the blood trade started, you and Shakyra just shook your heads and laughed. “White people,” you agreed. But that sure as hell didn’t stop you from slipping into some seedy pit of a plasma center when you were finally fired from your job at Meijer—a particularly bad migraine had you vomiting all over the produce section like some horrible parody of The Exorcist.

You remember The Exorcist, right? I’ve become obsessed with artifacts from before the Great Elevation: movies, TV, books, you name it, I got it, even Dracula, which oddly was a bitch to find. When I can’t quite grasp onto you, I grasp onto those movies. They remind me that there are much worse fates than death…Not that I really need reminding, anymore.

“Feeling better?” Katya asks me, a placid smile on her bright face.

“Yes,” I say, because there’s nothing else she wants to hear. I settle back down on my bed and turn to stare out at the cloudless gray sky. The little virtual assistant console on the nightstand flickers blue three times before the light goes out. Not dead, just resting.

“That’s good. Repressing your feelings isn’t good for stress levels…a little emotional release here and there can be really helpful.” She gives me the practiced stare of a fed-up, underpaid RN, though her immense wealth is why she’s here at all. “Just don’t overdo it, okay?”

Warning heard loud and clear. “Okay.”

Katya Belaya is 115 years old. She’s worked as a hematology nurse almost as long as I’ve been alive, at thirty-four. That was when research around blood therapy really kicked off.

She doesn’t talk about her life before the Great Elevation much, but I’ve overheard bits and pieces during the chaos of shift changes—she was retired, living quite well on the inheritance from her dear old husband’s death, but then the advertisements started coming out in full force, promising eternal youth for the right price. And this fool actually believed it; she’s been supervising dumbasses like me ever since. Right now, her bland smile seems to say, “Who’s the fool now?”

After just ten years of treatments, she looks young enough to be my mother.

This is the story of how you overcame death: You signed a contract.

You’d heard the rumors, of course. Everyone had: Rich old people thought they could obtain the key to immortality by getting regular infusions of blood from young, healthy people…sorry, young, healthy, poor people. Because why in the fuck would you help someone like David Rockefeller live even longer unless it was the difference between sleeping in your bed for another month or living in your car? So yes, you overcame death because you were too poor to die. The moment those bullshit treatments turned out not to be so bullshit after all, the coveted “good death” became a luxury like it never had before.

You are the perpetual motion device keeping that luxury conveniently available to people like Katya. You spend a lot of time in these hospital rooms, these beds. They’re much comfier than anything you could ever afford on your own, let’s be clear. And the staff is just always listening and watching and smiling because they want you to be healthy, pet.

I mean, what the fuck good is your blood if you—sorry, they—let your body go to shit? Kale for everyone. Hurray.

There will be raised bumps amid the corded muscles of your upper arms—one for each side. They’re as big around as a penny, with the mass of a glass marble embedded under the surface. You’ll scratch at them sometimes, when no one’s looking—never in the hospital, though, that would be a level of stupid even you won’t begin to contemplate—but they do not move or compress.

If you were to take, say, a knife—do NOT do this, but just say one day you did—and make a small, clean cut across that marble of tissue, you would be engulfed by a pain so relentless that you’d immediately black out. When you’d wake up, any evidence of your crimes would be gone, save for a pale scar that’d vanish within a couple days.

Soon, you’ll enter your go-to blood center looking to score enough for rent and your car—the demand has gone up. Three times the money. And when the nurse slaps a Band-Aid across your inner arm and tells you you’re good to go, a man in a doctor’s coat who you suddenly, somehow, know is not a doctor will appear in the slim gap between the privacy curtains and ask you to take a survey. The nurse will slip away, as light and soundless as a sunbeam, and the not-doctor will slowly ease into the chair she’s just vacated.

You will remember him well, so well, even after decades pass: the bald head with just a hint of brown fuzz, long fingers and wide palms with bulging veins, beady gray eyes tracking your every movement behind basic black frames. The frames are what give him away—they’re Mykita, which are expensive as fuck. Your girlfriend at the time is (was) crazy about everything fashion. You’ll scoff at the thought of remembering this, and vow to get payback by forcing her to sit through a Hell’s Kitchen marathon.

The not-doctor has other plans. “When was the last time you lost someone you cared about?”

Many faces will flit through your mind as an unwelcome wave of longing seeps into your chest. But although she wasn’t the last, she was the most: Shakyra. You watched her die. You didn’t stop her. But you could’ve. You—stupid, stupid, stupid you—didn’t. Why? You won’t know. You never will.

The not-doctor will see something in your eyes, something he approves of. He’ll lean forward, his legs planted shoulder length apart, and brace his forearms on his jean-covered thighs. Stare straight at you. Clasp his hands together, solemn. “What would it be worth to you,” he’ll murmur, voice thick with faux empathy, “to never have to experience that pain again?”

And that…your poor, sick bastard, that’s all it’ll take. He’ll explain, using way too much medical jargon, about what he wants to do—what he wants you to do. And you’ll sign. Even though, deep down, you know eliminating programmed cell death wouldn’t have saved Shakyra, grief isn’t sensible, so you’ll sign. The nurse will reappear with a twin pair of syringes before you’ve even finished the last curlicue on your signature.

“Everyone will have access to this,” the not-doctor assures you. “And for every person you refer, your payments will quadruple.”

But your girlfriend has (had) Type 1 diabetes: unfit.

Your mother? Hypertension and asthma. Ask her to lose some weight first.

Father? Lung cancer. Brother? Bipolar. You’re the dumbass with the permanently puffy eye, but apparently that’s not a genetic flaw, just a common-sense one. You’ll receive marbles in your arms that permanently stop the passage of time, as far as your DNA is concerned, all so you can spend the rest of your immortal existence “donating” blood to people who want to be buried as young, beautiful corpses.

Confused? Yup, it’s true: Katya, the not-doctor, and all the rest of the recipients…they don’t have the marbles.

You will sustain them for as long as they want to live, then stand watch when they don’t.

Today is Katya’s Death Day. She is 137 years old.

She has decided she’s seen everything the world has to offer, so it’s time. She picked out her coffin—sleek mahogany with golden accents—herself. She’s been without blood transfusions for a week now. The attending doctor says it will be any minute.

They don’t say “death” anymore—it’s the “next elevation.” Half her family, just as bright-faced and virile as she was, are drunk off their asses while she lies in the coffin, her breathing slowing, slowing, slowing…a long pause, during which everyone and everything suddenly sobers, stops…and then a wet rattle from her throat shatters the moment and the merriment continues.

I hover nearby; once she’s finally dead, I’ll have a new “nurse,” but who the hell cares. This precious thing, death, is something I likely will never experience. I dream of it, ache for it. I’m monitored too closely to down a container of bleach, or jump off a roof. My knives disappeared from my kitchen decades ago; my food arrives pre-cut. Everyone I knew who was too “unfit” for immortality is long gone. Naturally, there was no fanfare for them. Disability and illness are for the poors, you know. Should’ve made more money, and then they could’ve died in health instead of sickness. Should’ve taken better care of themselves.

You know, like I do.

Katya’s breathing stops again, for long enough that the DJ lowers the music until it’s just a faint pulse in my eardrums—like a heartbeat.

I stare at her softly rounded, rosy face; she’s wearing foundation and concealer under her eyes for her nonexistent flaws and diamond earrings that glint under the light of the crystal chandelier directly above us. She’s beautiful, and I want to drive a stake through her rotten heart.

The doctor leans over and presses her index and forefinger against Katya’s throat. After another pause, she proclaims, “Official time of death: 21:27.”

A chorus of applause and joyful shouts fills the room. I trail my fingers over my upper arm, not even feeling the sting of my nails digging into the flesh, reflexively. I lift my other arm and wake up my smartwatch with a scan of my retina.

“Log file 1076,” I whisper. “Those books were really fucking wrong about vampires.”

I’m being harsh, I know. I’m sorry. This…this is a lot.

Please, before you walk into that donation center one last time…think of Shakyra. Think of her broken body, splayed across the ground. The indifferent stares of onlookers who felt she’d brought it on herself.

Imagine what her last few seconds of awareness were like. Did pain rip through her like those ragged shards of glass? Did she sense her lungs filling with blood and phlegm? Did she choke? Gasp?

Imagine it. And know that, even though it’ll forever haunt us both, I wish it’d been you.

But I’ve gotta go: Katya’s replacement is waiting, and I bet he hates having to wait.

Sydnee Thompson is a writer and editor who’s unabashedly obsessed with all things death, especially when it comes to her speculative fiction, which has also appeared in publications such as Fiyah Lit Magazine and Fireside Magazine. You can stalk her on Twitter @SydMT or visit her website, shadesofsydnee.com.

via Gizmodo https://gizmodo.com October 31, 2018 at 06:45PM