#so I take it to mean it’s a similar thing where it’s a… well. blissful death

[bioswear]

Hey, go listen to Blissful Death looped with A Better End and maybe you’ll calm down

[queenof-curses]

The Birth of a Queen

Sukuna x Fem!Reader

Summary: Ryomen Sukuna is lonely and needs a Queen. Can't find one? Just make one!

Tags: Minors DNI! Explicit, Soft Dom Sukuna, She/her pronouns, fluff and smut, mostly smut though...

wc: 2.8k

Masterlist | More Jujutsu Kaisen

Read part II here!

A/N: this was actually the first fic I've ever written- reposted from Ao3. Enjoy!

--

Floating. That’s what it felt like. Floating in a pool, with your mind drifting in and out of blissful sleep. Relaxation washed over your body; you didn’t want to wake up, didn’t know if you could.

Who am I? You thought. 

Where am I? 

Suddenly, your eyes open and take in your surroundings. Darkness engulfs you. It’s colder, and you break out in goosebumps. With your eyes finally adjusting you make out the room you’re in. Sitting up, you quickly realize you’re not floating in a pool. Well, it is a pool, but not necessarily water. The dark, red liquid is not cold nor warm, but is in fact quite a comfortable temperature. You skim the substance with your hand, grazing its surface. It has no smell, but the consistency and color is similar to that of blood. Chills run through your body. 

Realizing that you’re sitting on top of this pool, it’s deep enough to stick your hand through, but yet you aren’t falling through its surface. Some sort of curse technique? 

Strange, you think to yourself. Where am I? 

“So it did work,” booms a deep, strong voice. Echoing through the room. 

Startled, you stand and make out the rest of the room that surrounds you. About 20 feet ahead sits a giant structure. A throne sits high up above you, gilded in dark obsidian and black as night. A figure sits upon the imperial style chair, a man maybe? Well, he sure seems human at first glance. You continue to observe his features. Pink hair, you notice, followed by chiseled features, a strong nose and chin with a lean body peaking out from a cream colored robe. Not only that, but you see black markings similar to tattoos adorn his body. On his face, hands, and you see even more on the small exposed part of his chest. With your eyes trailing over his features, you were too distracted to realize he was doing the same exact process with you. Taking you in fully, he hums appreciatively. 

“Come closer, let me take a good look at you.” He says, beckoning you in with two fingers. 

You stand on shaky legs. Looking down you realize you are wearing a dress similar in color to his robe, except your dress has no sleeves and wraps you tight. Gasping you look down at yourself. Markings have appeared all over your body. Markings that reflect the man almost identically. Looking up at him with wide eyes and confusion, he calls you closer.

“Please, come closer. I would never hurt something as precious as you.” 

Making your way slowly towards him you take a moment to reflect what you are currently feeling. Although you think you should feel threatened, scared, or even timid around this man, you’re not. A level of trust and something akin to warmness washes over your body. As you approach the throne he extends his arm, holding a tattooed hand out towards you. He’s so much larger than you up close, and you admire his features as you place your tiny hand in his. Locking eyes, your breath hitches in anticipation. 

Who is this man? What does he want with you? And most importantly, why are we so similar? 

“You are made for me.” He answers, as if reading your mind. “My other half. My curse partner. My Queen.” Taking your hand, he places a soft kiss on top. You gasp as goosebumps make their way up the arm he holds. 

“What do you mean?” you ask, finally speaking. With a voice as sweet as honey, he almost groans out loud. With a pained expression, he releases your hand. 

“Let me explain your existence, my Queen.” Snapping his fingers, the ground begins to shake. He snakes his arm around your waist, holding you to him and keeping your balance. Looking around you notice things begin to shift. The dias the single throne sits upon extends in width. New flooring is built upon the end of old flooring. The dark red liquid begins to travel towards you both from down below. Eyes wide, you stare in awe as the fluid begins to form something in the space next to the original throne. You watch as the red liquid hardens into the same black obsidian that makes the throne the man sits on holding you. It only takes seconds, but the finished product is another chair right next to the man’s. Although identical in detail and look, it is slightly smaller to fit you comfortably. “Sit down and I will tell you all.” He says, motioning towards the chair. You take a seat, and he grabs both of your hands, facing each other. Looking into your eyes, he explains.

His name is Ryomen Sukuna. He tells you of his life, the man he once was. How he craved power, devotion, and how he was killed by other sorcerers. Once turned into a curse spirit, his power truly grew into something that could not be killed again. We were inside his domain and here, he can create, kill, and destroy anything he pleases. Which led his story to your existence. Lonely, he searched for a way to make a perfect partner. Someone that would understand his existence and power. That would want the same things he did. What other way to do that than by making you from a piece of himself? You were destined to be his, as he was destined for you. 

“Although your body is whole and complete, your power is not,” he explains. 

“What do you mean?” you ask.

“I was able to create your physical body quite easily. But for your power, there is another step. You can’t leave this domain until you have this power.” He releases one of your hands, taking the other and guiding you from your throne to his. Sitting you down in his lap, he goes on. “We must completely join for you to receive my power. Once that is done, you will be my true equal. My partner for eternity.” 

Wrapping his arm around your waist, you lock eyes with him and nod. “Yes, I want this.” And you did. You wanted the power, the glory; to be this curse’s life partner. For that is why you were made, isn’t it? You exist for each other. That’s why you felt no fear around him, even after listening to stories of his power and being. You completed one another. “Tell me what I must do,” you tell Sukuna, locking your arms around his strong neck. He smiles then. A smile so sharp and sinister, yet so magical the elated feelings reach his red eyes. 

“Come,” he says, leading you by the hand off the throne and behind the dias. Down a dark hall only lit by red flames, he leads you towards a large bed chamber. Once inside, he removes his robe completely. Since he faces the large black bed in the middle of the chamber, you admire his chiseled back and firm backside. Turning around, your eyes widen as you take in his form. Large, strong muscles with broad features face you. Shifting your eyes downward, his semi-erect twitches as you notice its size. “I will say, this is not my true form, but the form of my human host,” he interrupts your erotic thoughts. 

“It’s not?” You question. 

“No, but for the purpose of joining, I will remain in this form so as to not damage your body. That is, until you absorb some of my power,” he says grinning mischievously. “Come!” he booms, echoing through the room and guides you to the bed. 

You stand in front of the large structure, with the backs of your knees touching the soft black silk. Not wasting anymore time Sukuna takes your head in both of his hands and does what you’ve wanted to do since he kissed your hand back in the throne room: locked his lips with yours. You gasp into his mouth, welcoming his large tongue inside, battling it with your own. Twisting together, you shut your eyes and melt into him. A fire ignites inside your body, heat reaching your most sensitive place. With his patience running thin, Sukuna strips the dress from your body, revealing yourself to him. Taking a step back, he admires your body. “Y/N… I need to taste you.” he states. With eyes running wild, he pushes you down onto the bed and spreads your legs. 

Completely opening yourself to him, you whisper “Please… I need it.” And you did. You were wet for him. If you had panties on, they would be soaked through. He admired your wet cunt, glistening in the soft light provided by the lanterns in the room. 

“Watch me taste me you,” Sukuna says, locking eyes with your own. On his knees between your legs, he takes his hands and places them on your thighs. Spreading your knees far apart, he lays on his stomach and opens you to him. Finally dipping his head down, he licks a long stripe from bottom to top, earning a sigh from you. “As sweet as honey,” he whispers to himself as he leans back in. He eats you with reckless abandon. Like a starved man, he laps your juices as your sighs and gasps quickly turn into moans. Slipping a finger, then two inside of you he fingers your cunt slowly. Stretching you out and preparing you for something much bigger, his pace increasing as you feel yourself begin to build up an intense desire. Not taking anymore time, he latches his mouth onto your sensitive clit and circles it with his tongue. While he continues finger fucking you, your pleasure builds. Sukuna reaches up and pinches one of your peaked nipples, sending you over the edge. “Come for me, princess, finish on my face.” You scream his name, coming all over his mouth, making a mess and he loves it. He continues giving you kitten licks until you’ve somewhat come down from your high. 

Finally opening your eyes and sitting up, you watch him get to his knees and wipe his mouth with his arm. You then come face to face with his massive cock. You reach out to take it in your tiny hand by comparison, stroking it from the base to tip. Thick veins align the sides of his erection, followed by a blush pink top that leaked precum from its tip. It made your mouth water. Wanting to put it in your mouth, you finally give the tip a couple licks earning a soft groan from him. Needing more, you lean in to put it in your mouth. “If you do that, I’ll cum. And Daddy can’t wait,” he growls out.

With that, he flips you over on all fours. With your head down, your face feels the cool satin on your cheeks. Ass perched in the air, Sukuna admires his Queen. The one made for him. The one that will be his partner in power and life. The thought makes his erection pulse with need. He takes his cock and runs it up and down your slit, collecting your juices and coating himself with it. Taking your hips in his hands, he begins to enter you from behind. Stretching your hole over his large cock, he slowly pushes forward. You moan, relishing the stretch Sukuna gives you. He tries to contain himself, however once he was halfway in, he slams his hips into your soft backside and enters you down to the hilt. Screaming in both pain and pleasure you shifted forward. He must be over 10 inches long. The girth has you stretched wide open for him and you savor the feeling. 

“I can’t go slow for you, but I know you wouldn’t want that either way.” Sukuna says, pulling out and slamming back inside you. 

“No, I wouldn’t,” You respond. “Please, just fuck me.” 

You can sense the sinister smile he gives you. At that, his pace quickens. Fucking you from behind he doesn’t stop, wanting to hear you scream from him. The sound of skin slapping skin echoes in the room alongside your moans and his grunts. Squeezing your ass cheek with one hand, he takes the other and reaches down to circle your clit. You moan loudly.

“Come for me again. I want to hear you scream.” He says, pulling you up towards his chest. Your back meets his front as you listen to the bed squeak under both of you. Moving his hand from your hip he stops to palm your breast before making his way to your hair, gripping it and yanking your head to the side. “I said come for me princess,” he growls into your ear, hot breath sending wonderful shivers down your body. It sends you over the edge.

You scream, orgasm ripped from your body as he continues to fuck into you, his fingers on your clit have you shaking from release. Not wasting any time, Sukuna flips you onto your back and puts your knees up by your head, practically folding you in half.  Admiring you in the mating press, he slides his thick cock back inside you, fucking you through the end of your orgasm and stretching your release for as long as possible. Holding your knees back he slams back into your hole, using your body to chase his own release. 

“You take me so well, Y/N” he grunts. “Such a good girl, are you ready for my seed?” 

“Yes, give it to me, give it to me!” you scream in answer. 

“Then take it, take your power my Queen.” Locking eyes with yours, his hips slam into yours one last time as he finishes inside you. Filling you up you feel his hot release coat your walls as you milk him for every last drop. Eyes rolling to the back of your head you feel it. The pleasure from your orgasm, the love this curse gives you, and the power being absorbed into your body. Overwhelmed, you black out. 

You wake up covered in the black satin sheets. Looking over you notice Sukuna sitting by your side. As if waiting for you to wake up, he looks down at you with eyes filled with more emotion than you could process. He places his hand in yours and that’s when you feel it. The power. It surges to life from inside you like nothing you’ve ever felt before. You smiled up at him, a more sinister one to match his own. Leaping up you wrap your legs around his waist and kiss him. Running his hands through your hair he takes a handful and pulls your head back to admire you. Already feeling his erection grow, he grins down at you. “Forever begins today, my Queen.” 

Thank you for reading! Every Like & Reblog means the most. To send a request, please use the ask button through this page. <3

[kaleldobrev]

Getting Back into the Swing of Things (1) — The 15 Year Problem Series

Pairing: MOC!Dean Winchester x F. Reader

Feat. Character(s): Reader, Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester & Unnamed Hunter Boyfriend (OC)

Series Summary: Needing help on a poltergeist case, you ask fellow hunter Sam Winchester for help. Despite having a broken arm, Sam agrees to help you. But, just as he’s about to head out and meet you, Dean tells him that he’ll take his place and help instead.

Chapter Word Count: 2.2k

Chapter Warnings: Cursing (4x), Age Gap (15 years) & Minor controlling behavior

Authors Note: A prequel series to the Old Man Universe (OMU) on how Dean and reader met | Takes place a few days after Dean is cured from being a demon in 2016 (please read this post for reasonings why it’s 2016, not 2014) | Don't worry, as Dean and reader meet in the next chapter! | If you liked this, don’t forget to like & reblog. I really appreciate it! Feedback is always welcome ♡

⋆ The 15 Year Problem Masterlist ⋆

⇠ Go Back & Read the Prologue

Dean tossed and turned, still unable to fall asleep despite what seemed like hours trying. He smelled blood in his nose, felt it on his lips and tongue; smiling with pure bliss. He could feel his hand gripping the First Blade, and he could hear the heart beats of people fading fast as he looked into their eyes. His throat felt dry all of a sudden. “Fuck,” he mumbled to himself.

Removing the covers from himself, he swung his body, his feet flat on the floor as he rubbed his face. Letting out a huge sigh of frustration, he got up from his bed and made his way to his bedroom door; deciding that maybe a few drinks could make him get a bit sleepy. But he knew deep down that wasn’t going to work — he just needed an excuse to get up and walk around.

As Dean started making his way toward the kitchen, he noticed that Sammy’s door was open halfway, the light of the room still on. A puzzled look appeared on Dean’s face, surprised that Sam was still up. He figured after curing him, he would be knocked out for the next couple of days, or at least taking it easy.

He heard drawers opening and closing, not remotely quietly. Standing in the doorway, he saw Sam packing some clothes into a duffel bag, slightly struggling as he did so, as he was down an arm. “Heading out somewhere?” Dean asked, after knocking on the doorway.

Sam looked up, barely smiling. He looked almost half asleep. “Uh yeah. A hunter friend of mine asked me to help her with a poltergeist case. Should be only a few days.”

“A poltergeist case uh?” Dean questioned, intrigued. “Where at?” He scratched the back of his head as he walked into Sam’s bedroom, trying his best not to sound too excited about the case.

“Tulsa. It’s about a five and a half hour drive from here, and I promised Y/N I’d meet her at the motel in town,” Sam said, zippering up his duffel.

“You sure you’re good to go Sammy? I mean, your arm is still broken,” Dean said, pointing at his arm. “Why don’t I go instead? I could use a nice and easy case to get my sea legs back.”

Sam looked at his brother with a bit of hesitancy. “I don’t know Dean…” his voice trailed off. Even though Sam had talked to you about Dean, he wasn’t sure how you would react to Dean showing up instead of him. Based on the short amount of time he had known you, he feels that you and Dean would get along really well as your hunting styles were scarily similar at times, and your personalities rivaled each other. But yet, you didn’t know Dean, and he knew you’d rather hunt alone than hunt with someone you didn’t know.

“Sammy, your arm is broken. No offense, but how much help are you really going to be to her? She might as well just do it by herself,” Dean said, and Sam knew that his brother had a point. He was right, as much as he hated to admit it.

Sam sighed, almost defeated. “Alright, alright. You’re…you’re right,” he said, slightly swinging his casted arm. “Just let me give her a heads up first okay?”

You looked out straight in front of you as only darkness could be seen for miles and miles. Your hands had a tight grip on the wheel to the point that your knuckles were almost pale and white. The loudness of your windshield wipers drowned out what you were currently listening to — The Clash.

There was no traffic, no cars— just you, the rain, and the complete darkness except for your headlights. You sighed, thinking about your boyfriend, how conflicted you felt about the whole thing. On one end, you were tired of the bullshit and were ready to call it quits with him. Why be with someone who makes you miserable? You heard your mom’s words echoing in your brain, so loud as if she was sitting right next to you. On the other end, you wanted to give him another chance as people who understood the hunting life was few and far between.

You didn’t necessarily want to be alone, but it was something that started to look more and more appealing. You were 22, still young and had time to find someone. But who? Another hunter? A civilian maybe? No, no civilians, you thought. Too risky. You needed someone that knew the life.

As if snapping you out of your current thought, your phone started ringing, the buzz of it slightly vibrating your seat. Since there were no cars on the road, you pulled off to the side, and answered the phone. "Hey Sammy," you said, "where are you?"

"Hey Y/N, I'm uh...still back at the Bunker," his voice sounded so tired and defeated.

You raised a brow in confusion. "What do you mean you're still back at the Bunker? You're not coming to help me?" You would be lying if you weren't disappointed. Although you had only known Sam for a short amount of time, he was someone that you genuinely enjoyed hunting with; not only because he was a legendary Winchester, but because he treated you like his equal, despite your age.

"Remember when Cas helped me on a case a while back and I ended up breaking my arm?" He said, and you nodded, even though you knew he wasn't able to hear you. But he took your lack of an answer to continue speaking. "Well, it's still broken. And I didn't want to say no when you called for help because you were such a big help to Cas and me, especially me, when Dean were gone."

You didn't want to give the impression that you were disappointed, even though you were. But you understood where Sam was coming from; and the last thing you wanted to do was force him to drive all the way to Tulsa just to sit in the motel room. "I really appreciate you saying yes, even though you're kind of out of commission. It...it really means a lot."

"Listen, I know you can pretty much solve this case in your sleep but..." he paused, sighing, almost as if he was afraid to say the next few words. "Dean offered to help you."

You were completely silent, which was a rarity for you. It wasn't like you didn't appreciate the help, but you were iffy about it as you didn't really like working with people that you weren't really familiar with. Yes, you've heard countless stories from Sam about his brother, and knew he was a good hunter; but the thing that scared you was, when it came down to it, would he just leave you for dead to save himself?

"I know you don't usually work with people you aren't really familiar with but," he sighed again, and you knew if he was in front of you right now, the puppy dog eyes would be in full force. "He's a great hunter, Y/N, and he wouldn't let anything happen to you. If something bad happened to you, he would never be able to forgive himself."

How could you possibly say no when Sam was practically telling you how good of a person his brother was? "Sam —"

"You'd be doing me a big favor, Y/N. I think this case would really help him get back into the swing of things," Sam said. Now you definitely couldn't say no.

You took a deep breath, sighing. "Okay," you said simply, giving in to Sam’s plead.

"Thanks Y/N, seriously," his tone sounding a bit happier now that you agreed. "I already gave him the address to the motel we agreed to meet at. He should hopefully be there right around the same time as you are."

"But you guys are almost six hours away," you stated with a raised brow. "Is he teleporting there?"

Sam chuckled at your comment. "No, no. He uh...he's a bit of a speed demon," Kind of like you, he wanted to add.

"Ah, so like me," you said. Sam couldn't help but smile at the comment, finding it funny that you had thought the exact same thing as he had. "Alright. Um, does he need my phone number or?"

"I kind of...already...gave it to him...sorry..." his words trailed off, almost embarrassed, like you had caught him red handed. You sighed, slightly annoyed. You didn't like when others gave out your phone number without asking you first, but then again, your boyfriend — which was soon to be your ex — was something he did quite often behind your back.

"He still driving the impala?" You asked, but before Sam could answer you, you continued with your thought, answering your own question. "Never mind, that was a stupid question," you slightly chuckled to yourself. "Of course he's still driving the impala."

Dean held the steering wheel tightly in his hands, loving the feeling of the leather at his fingertips. It had been far too long since he'd driven Baby, and it was one of the things that he truly missed while he was gone. "It's just a car Sam," his words rang out; and those words gutted him, because Baby wasn't just a car: she was home.

As he drove, his music was low, not loud like he usually preferred it, as he was currently admiring the simplicity of his surroundings. The rain hitting the windshield and being quickly wiped away, the darkness of the road that was only lit up by Baby's headlights. He felt comfortable and at ease; something driving always helped him to feel. He felt at home right now.

You didn't really know what to feel right now as you were debating back and forth on how your first meeting with the infamous Dean Winchester was going to go. According to Sam, the two of you would get along great, as he's made comments along the lines of, "You sometimes scarily remind me of Dean," which you weren't sure if you should take as a compliment or not.

Some of the stories Sam had told you about Dean impressed you, but then there were some where you couldn't help but roll your eyes at the stupidity. With some stories, you wondered how he wasn't dead already, then again, both Winchester's have died and came back countless times as death didn't seem to stick. You couldn't help but wonder what made them so special. Maybe they are God's favorites, you thought; and you couldn't help but chuckle.

Pulling into the motel parking lot, you let out a small laugh, seeing Dean's impala already in the parking lot. He really is a speed demon, you thought. Wonder what time he got here? You wondered.

As soon as you parked your vehicle, your phone began buzzing, and you looked at the name on the caller ID. Your blood started boiling seeing your boyfriend's name. "You have to be fucking kidding me," you mumbled to yourself.

At first, you were going to ignore the call, as maybe he would think you were still driving. But there was no way you would be able to give that illusion as there was no traffic on the road when you left because of the time. With gritted teeth, you answered the call, trying your absolute best to remain calm. "Hey," was all you said.

"You get to the motel yet?" He asked, his tone implying that he already had that knowledge somehow.

"I just pulled in," your answers were short, as you were still mad at him from before. Although driving was one of the things that calmed you down and made you feel at peace, for some reason, this argument in particular really made you angry.

"You said you would call me when you got to the motel," he sounded mildly annoyed, but disappointed at the same time.

You rolled your eyes. "Fucking hell," you mouthed. "I just pulled in. You didn't give me enough time to even call or text you." You took a deep breath, feeling yourself getting ready to boil over. "This is me telling you that I have reached the motel and may not be able to talk to you over the next couple of days, okay?" You weren't asking him; you were telling him; trying to make it clear that you couldn't talk to him. Of course you would be able to, but you didn't want to, as this case was a way for you to get the edge off. It was a way to kill something without killing him.

"I love you," he said, and for some reason him saying those three little words surprised you. He rarely said them to you, even though it was something that you had said to him regularly. The only times he ever seemed to say those three little words to you was during or after sex, or when the two of you had gotten into a rather nasty argument.

You didn't want to say it back to him, as love was the very last thing you felt for him in this moment. But you almost felt like you needed to, so he wouldn't feel like anything was wrong between the two of you. Then again, you didn't want to gaslight him the same way he always seemed to gaslight you. "I'll see you in a few days," was how you decided to answer, as those were the most genuine words you felt you could say to him.

⤑ Move Forward & Read Chapter 2

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[kittievampire]

Mammon taking reader’s virginity 🫣🫣

I see, I see, I see

Well, I'll have you know, anon, baby boy prolly doesn't even know what a virginity is 😭😭😭

Baby boy is so stupid but so cute and so dependable, my first love 💛💛💛

Lemme see what I have in my bag, my dear~

Click here if you wanna request!

Your First Man

Warnings: Cursing, Smut, Virgin!MC x Soft Dom!Mammon, Fem!MC, Teasing, Praise Kink, Established Relationship, Oral (f. receiving), Creampie

Enjoy.

"Yer sure about this, yeah?" Mammon asked you softly, looking up at you from where he sat between your legs.

You were sitting upright on your bed, bottoms discarded, and panties being the only thing that shielded your dripping core from his field of view. "I mean, I'll prep ya first and all that, but I dunno if I'll be able to stop once we get goin'," He muttered sheepishly, a dark blush forming on his face. You smiled down at him, lowering a hand to gently run your fingers through his white locks, earning a pleased shudder from the sin before you. "I'm ready, Mammoney."

With a shaky breath, Mammon's gaze shifted down to your panties, which had a wet spot forming on them. He slowly reached his hands up, carefully pulling at the hem of your panties until they were off of you, eyes now fixated on your pussy. He leaned forward, slowly running his tongue along your slit, the tip of the muscle flicking against your clit. You moaned loudly, gently gripping his hair.

Mammon felt at ease when he heard your reaction, licking his lips as he got a taste of your essence before lapping at the entrance of your cunt. You mewled and whined at his actions, his hands squeezing your thighs in an attempt to still you, as your squirming was distracting him from your pussy.

He lifted a hand, shifting his position so that his tongue circled your clit and his fingers were positioned at your entrance, slowly applying pressure to introduce you to the feeling. You moaned softly, your left hand gripping the sheets as the hand that was on his head lifted to cover your mouth.

You felt him push two fingers into you slowly. Already feeling the stretch of the intrusion, your walls convulsed around the digits, making him sigh softly in bliss as he pushed further, tongue flicking at your clit before he looked up at you. "S'good?" He asked softly. Not trusting your voice, you nod, looking down at him with a shy blush on your face and those doe eyes that drove him mad.

He pushed his fingers deeper, until his knuckles met your entrance, making small scissoring motions to stretch you a little more. "Relax, babe." Mammon dragged his tongue along your throbbing bud, making you whine out his name. "If ya wanna be able to take me, ya gotta loosen up a bit more."

He moved his mouth to gently nibble on the soft flesh of your inner thigh, a third finger prodding at your entrance before he slowly pushed it into you. You threw your head back, letting out a cry that was cut off by your own hand. "Relax," He cooed, your walls squeezing around his fingers. Once he felt you loosen up a little, he pushed the rest of his third digit inside of you, flicking his tongue against your clit. "There we go, that's my girl."

The words that escaped from his mouth, along with the stimulation to your cunt, made something similar to a knot form in your stomach. Something that squeezed tightly in your gut, but you couldn't put your finger on it. Like a sixth sense, Mammon could feel your orgasm approaching and pulled his fingers out, immediately replacing them with his tongue. His lips locked with your lower, and he proceeded to thrust his tongue deep inside of you, making you throw your head back and cry out in pleasure. Your thighs pushed against either side of his head, only motivating him to go further and grip your thighs, pulling you closer to his face, causing you to slide forward and onto your back. He brought a finger up to rub circles over your clit for extra stimulation.

You felt the knot tighten even more, only to snap and release. You felt your legs spasm as you came, juices coating the Avatar of Greed's face as he gleefully ate you out through your orgasm. Pulling away from his sloppy make-out session with your sweet cunt, he wiped his chin with the back of his hand, golden-sapphire eyes staring up at you with that shit-eating smirk of his. "You ready for the next part? Cause I'm boutta rock your world." He leaned forward, one hand slapping your thigh playfully as he closed in on you, your nose mere inches from his. You nodded slowly, and he lifted one of your hands to press a kiss to your knuckle. "I'll treat ya right, Treasure, promise."

Mammon unbuckled his pants and pushed them down, along with his boxers, his cock greeting you with a light slap against your thigh and a bead of precum at the tip. He adjusted your position so that you were lying on your back and he was sat upright between your legs, gently rubbing his shaft against your entrance. "Last chance, Treasure," The demon muttered softly, leaning down to gently peck you on the lips. "Ya sure about this? It ain't exactly somethin' I can give back."

You didn't even need to think about it. You knew what you wanted. It mildly frustrated you that he was stalling, but it made your heart skip a beat that he was so careful with you. You wrapped your legs around his hips and pushed him toward you, causing him to flinch and let out a low groan. "Alright," He huffed, slowly pushing himself into you.

The way that your walls stretched was painful yet so delicious. You clenched your teeth, covering your face with your hands in hopes of hiding the blush that spread across your face as a result of hearing the lewd squelching sound your cunt made at his intrusion. Mammon gently grasped your wrists, pulling your hands away from your face. "None of that, Treasure," He cooed, pressing a kiss to your forehead. "I wanna see your face when I make you feel good."

He was now fully sheathed inside of you. Your walls clenched tightly around him, and you were trying to focus on breathing and calming yourself down so that the slight pain you felt would go away. The second-born gently pet your hair, lovingly kissing you all over. Coaxing your body to relax, he slowly thrusted his hips a couple of times experimentally. He let out a shaky sigh, closing his eyes as he gently gripped your hips. "Fuck."

You let out a small whimper as he rocked his hips against yours. The pain had gone away, but he still wasn't moving as fast as you wanted. "F-Faster," You whined out, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull him close.

He looked up at you with wide eyes for a moment before letting out a low chuckle. "Alright." Slowly pulling out of you all the way to the tip, he looked down at you with a smirk as you whined under him, thinking that he was gonna pull out.

Mammon slammed back inside of you, earning a cry of pleasure. Getting a firm grip on your hips, he adjusted his angle so that you'd lie more comfortably on the bed and so he could move his body more comfortably with yours. He bucked his hips quickly, letting out soft grunts that were drowned out by your wails of pleasure.

Your walls clenched tightly around him in response to his relentless pounding, your body jolting toward the headboard in protest to his harsh movements. You could already feel that knot returning to the lowest pit of your stomach, tightening just as the walls of your cunt did around his cock. He hit just the right spots that made you scream, G-Spot, cervix, and all.

"Ya gonna cum already, Treasure?" He laughed softly, burying his face into the crook of your neck and gently biting down. "Me too." His hips thrusted violently against yours, his thrusts becoming more erratic and uncoordinated as the feeling of your warmth around him started to overwhelm his senses.

You threw your head back and cried out his name as you felt your orgasm rack through your body, making your body shudder and your legs tremble. He lifted your hips up off of the bed and thrusted deeper into you, clenching his teeth to mask the volume of his moans. "Fuck, you feel so good," He grunted out, his hips stuttering as he came.

You'd never felt so full, and you were sure that you'd become addicted. Though, only because it was him. Your first man.

"Hey," He said in no more than a whisper, having pulled out of you and pressed a kiss to your cheek to get you out of your head. "How was it?"

You smile and lock your lips with his for a quick yet passionate kiss. "It was amazing, Mammoney," You tiredly whispered against his lips.

Hope you liked it, anon!

Masterlist

[windywriter]

Thinking abt dungeon meshi and how marcille vs falin's ways of healing encapsulates the main message of the story.

Marcille heals the "normal" way (i.e it hurts like hell every time bc the nerves are surging from suddenly being remade). And while yes it does hurt a lot. The pain might actually be a really good sign because it could mean tissue is reconnecting properly.

Meanwhile falin sort of cheats the system by dampening the person's pain. And while it is nice and helps lessen the burden on the other it can be dangerous for multiple reasons. For example let's say Falin is reattaching someone's limb, she does her usual trick of there being no pain. However because there is no pain being felt there is a less than 0% of that limb simply just being reattached and not fully healed properly. Of course falin being a seasoned adventurer would probably take thar percentile into acct but it's a dangerous game overall. This chance of error getting higher and higher the more delicate the organs she's healing. There's a reason why nerve damage is tricky to heal.

This relates to the main theme of the story being "eating is a privilege of the living". Because falin's form of healing is an attempt at an action without consequences. Much like how the demon wants everyone to live in total bliss where they get every single thing they want no matter how depraved or hedonistic it may be. It is an easy answer. An answer that tries to soften or ignore the cruel consequences, but in reality the consequences of trying to circumvent those painful ones can are a dangerous game at best, and at worst playing into the interests of someone who doesn't care about yours.

Now I'm not saying falin is /bad/ for using that form of healing. In fact it shows a really interesting peek into her character as well as shows the amount of skill she has as a healer. I mean she is juggling not only reconstructing flesh and bone shes also working with supressing a person's sense of pain long enough for them to not notice it during the healing process but works quickly enough so she doesnt end up permanently messing up their nerves.

And really, that encapsulates falin's character. She's a people pleaser. She works quietly but quickly as to not disturb others. She is the opposite of Laios in that she always keeps the thoughts of others in her mind. Yet at the same time she's sort of similar to him in that she tends to just go with what she thinks is best even if it may not be socially acceptable.

I wonder if that's why, at the very end, it was the demon who told her to go back to the painfully beautiful world of the living. Their final "curse".

[tenpintsof-sundrop]

Downhill (Preview)

Draco Malfoy x Fem!Reader

cause I went downhill at such steep incline...

Word Count: 2,080

This is a fanfic preview! So feedback and comments are greatly appreciated. Writers always thrive on feedback <3

Warnings: this takes place during Half-Blood Prince - there are mentions of Draco's mission to kill Dumbledore and him being tasked with fixing the Vanishing Cabinet to let Death Eaters into Hogwarts, mentions of Draco being forced to become a Death Eater (mostly against his will, with the emotional pressures of 'family duty'); mentions of death/murder in line with the HBP/DH themes; the reader and Draco are engaged - arranged to be married because they are both purebloods (the reader is an orphan and her only living caregiver 'sold' her to the Malfoys to be married to Draco, but her and Draco have grown emotionally close because of this); mentions of dead animals - more specifically a dead bird (the bird that dies in the Vanishing Cabinet); passing mention of Cedric Diggory's death; general emotional angst from Draco's perspective because he is feeling very trapped and hopeless because he feels that he will not be able to complete his mission successfully and he will be killed (and get the reader killed in the process); passing mention of the reader having lived in New York before she met Draco; passing mention of the reader 'wearing' Draco's jacket (over her shoulders, not putting it on, and it specifically says that it doesn't fit her well); there is an argument where Draco takes out his fear/frustration on the reader verbally and he grabs her arm roughly - this is not healthy in a relationship, but they are both trying to function under severe circumstances (also it only happens for a moment and it's not a pattern); mention of Draco being thin/losing weight due to improper eating (from stress); this part does not have smut but the longer/full fic will have smut once it is finished and posted. I believe that's everything for now.

A/N: This fic is titled after the song Downhill by Lincoln, so if you want to know the vibes of the overall fic, definitely listen to that song. It's a very Draco song with the 'if I meant every word that I ever said, you'd probably question the life I have led' - because in his bullying, he probably has just said a lot of harsh things without meaning them. And in this fic, the reader met him after the bulk of his severe childhood bully phase, so she didn't know that he used to be a very outwardly cruel person. I also love the 'I was born into the world on a silken cloud, and I got bored of the world before I hit the ground' - because Draco was born into so so much privilege and he didn't even realize how lucky he was, and now that his privileged position is forcing him to take on a murder and a lot of undue stress, he wants to go back to blissful ignorance. (Basically, it's such a Draco song, and it really really drove home the themes of this fanfic idea for me.) Anyway, I'm really excited about this fic, and I hope you enjoy this preview!

...

Draco brought you to the back of the large room, and you saw that he had already pulled the tarp off the overwhelming tall, ornate Vanishing Cabinet, so the dusty cloth was sitting in the pile at the cabinet’s feet. Without a word, Draco walked up to the cabinet, moving in stiff mechanical motions as he pulled open the doors. You took a few steps closer to get a better look, realising that he was trying to show you whatever was inside - that must be where the primary problem was located. 

You couldn’t hold in the gasp that broke out of your throat when you saw a dead bird sitting in the bottom of the cabinet. 

A bright yellow canary laying against the dark wood, belly up and completely still with its soft feathers rustled, a few of them missing. You had seen very few dead animals in your lifetime. Aside from the occasional New York City pigeon, laying on the sidewalk in a similar fashion after running itself into one of the hyper reflective windows of the tall buildings. You couldn’t even stand to look at those for too long. You still felt the same deep heartache while looking at it. 

“Oh - oh my.” You gaped quietly. 

Draco was entirely surprised when you shouldered him out of the way, letting his ill-fitting borrowed jacket drop off your shoulders onto the dusty ground carelessly as you crouched down carefully in front of him. You then scooped up the small bird in your hands, cradling it gently as though it were entirely precious. 

He thought that seeing the state of things, you might start suggesting spells, telling him ways that he could fix the obvious problem. But no - you were soft-hearted. The true problem hadn’t even occurred to you yet, because you were so caught up on the sight of a dead bird. You were emotional, struck by the shock of an innocent animal having its life prematurely ended. 

Draco envied you quietly for a moment as you sat on your knees in front of the cabinet, looming in his shadow as you held the bird in your hands. He realised that in order for you to be so startled over this, so heartbroken - it must be one of the first times you had been brushed with death. Draco envied that naivety. 

He wished he could rewind to the version of himself from a few years ago. A version that thought not being able to join the Quidditch team because of an age restriction was the worst tragedy in the world. A version that thought he got everything he wanted because he was genuinely deserving of it. Someone who couldn’t see that he was simply a spoiled brat. 

He wished he could go back to a version that hadn’t seen Muggleborns slain in his family’s dining room, begging for mercy where there would be none.  

When he had first seen that bird sitting dead in the cabinet, a still dead body draped in yellow - for a moment, he had been reminded of Cedric Diggory. Someone so undeserving, lifeless before their time. Used up and gone. 

But now, seeing the way you cradled it, fussing over something already dead and unable to benefit from your care - Draco was distinctly reminded of himself, withering and undeserving in your arms. 

“Draco, do - do you think we should bury it?” You asked, the gentle croak of tears in your voice as you considered a pointless funeral for the small dead thing. 

You suddenly rose up to your feet then, walking around Draco to look for something to wrap the poor bird in - some kind of cloth, or perhaps a small box to place it in. 

This caused something inside of him to snap. The way your sweet demeanour ground against his nerves, his worry, his anxiety about everything mounting suddenly as you fussed over something that truly didn’t matter. 

Your good intentions would get you killed. That gentle touch, that willingness to help - it would get you on the wrong end of a Killing Curse one day. (Especially if he didn’t protect you.) 

“It’s not about the bloody bird, woman!” He growled out, entirely frustrated with your delicate ignorance, your lack of seeing the true point. 

Draco turned to you, and grabbed your arm so viciously that your palms jerked and the small, lifeless body dropped onto the floor without a single bit of grace. It dropped against the cold stone so carelessly, as though it were an object that had not once had any life in it at all. You let out another gasp at this, and looked from the dull tuft of yellow feathers at your feet up to Draco’s face. 

“Draco!” You cried out, protesting against his careless nature toward the innocent creature. 

His fingers were gripping your forearm fiercely, blooming small bits of pain - but you didn’t care. You felt a clench in your gut, distinct guilt overwhelming you. You told yourself that his anger was misplaced. You didn’t have words, especially not while he stared you down so coldly. All you could do was stand tall, and stare right back, even while tears formed in your eyes. 

He tightly clenched his jaw. 

You were surprised when he spoke again. 

“How can you be so daft?” He said, almost choking on the words. 

That was when you knew for certain it was misplaced. He had called you brilliant before - it was one of the only things he had said about you that wasn’t sarcastic or backhanded in some effort to deter you. He didn’t think that you were stupid, not one bit. 

“Look, you know if I don’t get this thing working-” He couldn’t even finish his sentence before his throat closed around the words, threatening harsh sobs that he was desperate to contain. 

Instead, he turned abruptly, letting go of your arm - now completely uncaring of the misplaced conflict. You felt a wave crash into your chest as you realised it. How could you have been so stupid? 

Of course, he had no care for a small animal. 

It was about what that animal represented. His failure. Death looming over his head. 

The bird had obviously died in the cabinet, which meant that a living thing had yet to survive the transition from Borgin & Burke’s into Hogwarts. If Draco couldn’t fix that problem - if there was some sort of problem when the Death Eaters tried to use the cabinet to get into Hogwarts and one of them died, Draco would be on the line for it. If they couldn’t use the cabinet at all, Draco would be on the line for it. 

They would kill him if he couldn’t get this right. 

Draco moved slowly, putting a hand on each of the cabinet’s doors and closing them. 

Then, for a few long, painstaking moments - neither of you said a thing. 

Your chest ached. You wished that you could find something comforting to tell him. For some reason, you knew that simply telling him ‘it’s going to be okay��� just wasn’t going to cut it. You muddled in the silence and you hated it. 

He stood with his back still turned to you, with his arms outstretched, leaning on the tall, imposing wooden object. It felt like a shadow of death looming over the two of you. His shoulders held nothing but pure tension, even as he used the object for support, and he dropped his head between his spread arms. 

After a few moments of that terrible silence, with you staring at his back, tossing your mind for something helpful to say as you chewed at your own lip - Draco took in a shuddering breath. Though you knew he was trying to hide it: he began quietly sobbing. 

You couldn’t help yourself then. 

It was something you knew he pretended to hate, but you knew what to do next. You stepped forward, over the dead bird, your shoes quietly clacking against the stone - and you settled yourself right up against his back, tucking your body tightly against him in a hug. You nuzzled your face into the tense muscles of his shoulders, and as you wrapped your arms around his waist from behind and squeezed him tightly, you felt some of the tension melt away as he relaxed into your touch. 

You did worry about how much thinner he felt in your arms than the last time you had done this - obviously, he hadn’t been eating properly. But you didn’t bother to bring it up, not wanting to start another argument. 

Draco felt a grateful warmth spread over him. But he refused to touch you back. At least just yet. 

He kept his hands on the wood of the cabinet, almost like a bold surrender that he wouldn’t give into your softness. He couldn’t. He let out another shuddering sob - a sound he couldn’t contain with the feeling of your warmth at his back. It was something he hated himself for. 

You hushed him gently. And then, miraculously, you found words. 

“We could leave.” You said quietly, turning your head so that your cheek sat parallel with his flesh, muttering the words against the fine silk of his button up shirt. “We could just… run away together. We don’t have to stay here, Draco. We could get to a fireplace and Floo out of here, or-” 

“We can’t.” Draco replied, his voice just as quiet, throttled by tears. “You know that we can’t.” 

You wanted to argue the point more. Obviously, he didn’t hate the idea. He just thought it was illogical. Likely, he thought it was too dangerous. But what was the alternative - possibly being killed anyway? 

“If we leave, they’ll kill my parents because I couldn’t complete my mission.” Draco sniffled quietly. “At the very least, they’ll haul me in and have my head for being a traitor.” 

Draco straightened his stance then, taking his arms off the cabinet. You thought that he might remove your arms from his waist, finally rejecting your touch. But instead, he began tracing fingers from his right hand along the forearm of his left sleeve, almost scratching at it like it was a terrible itch. 

You had been there the day he had gotten the Mark. You had been brought into the room and forced to listen to his screams of pain before you even truly knew what was happening. When you had tried to comfort him about it, he had pushed you off so roughly that you had almost smacked your head into one of the walls, and you knew that he was taking that fear and pain out on you in that terribly misplaced way. 

But that night, when he had been crying, sobbing and running the freshly scorched skin under cool water - he let you run him a bath with soothing soaps and the two of you discussed Shakespeare’s plays (which you were surprised that he had read) while you washed his hair for him. 

“Now that I have the Mark, I can’t run anywhere.” Draco muttered quietly. “I can’t go anywhere I won’t be found.” 

That part had never truly occurred to you before. 

You knew that the Dark Lord used the Dark Mark as a way for his followers to show their loyalty, and as a way for him to summon them or even for them to summon him. And you guessed that Draco having it meant that he could be ‘summoned’ at any time as a part of the loyalty he had so unwillingly pledged. 

Even if he betrayed the Dark Lord morally, mentally, emotionally, and tried to do so physically by running away, as long as his arm was attached, he would still be in service to that horrible man until he and his followers decided otherwise. Especially because you couldn’t imagine Draco wanting to part with his arm anytime soon. 

“We’ll figure something out.” You told him, having little faith in those words yourself. But you knew it was a truth that you had to speak into existence. 

Then you laid a gentle kiss on his shoulder through the fabric of his shirt, spreading more warmth through him. He clenched his fists at his sides, highly resisting the urge to reach for your hands, but silently hoping that you wouldn’t pull away. 

Draco resented your sense of hope. But these days, it was the only thing keeping him afloat in the chaos seas that his life had become.

...

Remember, if you want to see the full fic when it comes out, make sure to follow my fanfiction blog @sundrop-writes and turn on notifications there!

Also, this fic is going to be a prequel to the fic I have already written - My Bleeding Heart, so if you liked this, definitely check that fic out.

[fightme365]

I'm dating you, not them. (Monogamous Female Reader x Yandere Poly Bakusquad) part 1?

Y/n meet Mina Ashido when she was 18 and she interned at the pro hero agency that 20 year old, at the time, Mina had just started working at. Y/n was immediately taken with the pink haired and skinned woman. There was something about her the instantly drew Y/n in. However Y/n at first did not act on her attraction to Ashido for two reason.

She was a high school intern at the agency she worked as a pro hero.

Y/n knew that Mina was already in a happy poly relationship with 5 other people and while Y/n was not interested in being with them as well, only Mina.

So Y/n kept her mouth shut for two years and settled for only being friends with her. However as time wore on it got harder and harder for her to keep her feelings at bay. Eventually when they were drinking by themselves after work together she drank far to much and more then Mina, she ended up drunkenly confessing to the pink woman.

The next more she woke in bed cuddled up with Mina and no memory of her confession until Mina told her. She blushed and tried to play it off at first. "Hehe. Sorry. I can't control what I say when I'm drunk off my ass.", said Y/n.

Mina pouted at her. "So you don't like me? What a shame because I always had a thing for you.", said the pinkette startling Y/n enough to cause her to fall off the bed.

Y/n immediately popped up though and starred at Mina in shock. Her mouth dropped open. "But... But you already have 5 partners and you never indicated you like me before. I mean I know you can love more them one person but I just thought you didn't see me that way. Plus I'm not into polyamory myself. I'm just monogamous.", said Y/n.

"That's fine. You don't have to be a poly as long as you don't mind me having other partners, and who knows? You might just change your mind, baby girl.", said Mina with a shrug while getting off the bed and crossing the room towards Y/n.

She backed Y/n against the wall and cupped her chin. "Don't you want to find where this attraction can go? I guarantee it will be fun.", said Mina. Y/n flushed. She found the pinkette's gold and black eyes so hypnotic that she ended up nodding without really thinking.

Mina kissed her then and the next two months were blissful to Y/n. Then she was officially introduced to Mina's other partners and they started pushing her boundaries immediately. They would show up at her home unannounced, flirt with her even though she stated she was not interested, barge in on her and Mina's dates, and sometimes touch Y/n inappropriately.

Mina let them and didn't care even when Y/n tried to talk to her about it. They would gaslight her when she tried to tell them to stop and it was not okay. It made her feel bad and like she was at fault. For a year and a half she put up with it because she thought that she loved Mina but then they pushed her to far and she snapped.

Y/n was cooking dinner for her and Mina. When she heard the door open and more the one person come inside while talking and laughing. She sighed and started adding more ingredients knowing she now need five more portions of everything and even if she complained about their presence they would just tell her she was overreacting.

She felt drained so she didn't even bother to call out and greet them. Five minutes later someone entered the kitchen and hugged from behind by the waist. At first she thought it was Mina as this person was a similar height but then she realized she felt no boobs pressed against her. It was not Mina she realized.

She stopped cooking and pulled herself away from them none to gently. She turned around to see it was Sero. Something in her broke in that moment. They had crossed far to many boundaries for her to be okay anymore. Her anger was spoiling over.

"Get out of my home. All of you. I want you out. I'm done. I can't take it anymore. I tired of having my boundaries cross.", she yelled as loud as she could. Sero step back a step in surprise and chatter from the living room stopped.

Y/n after a minute heard hurried foot steps coming towards the kitchen. She started screaming. "I said to get the fuck out. I want nothing to do with any of you. I want you all gone and the fuck away from me.", yelled Y/n as they stepped into the kitchen.

Mina was at the front of the group with Bakugou. "Baby gi...", she started in the tone she usually uses when she is about to gas light Y/n. The h/c female put up a hand though to stop her.

"Stop right there. Don't you baby girl me. I was talking to you too. I'm sick and tired of having my boundaries crossed by you all. I stated where I stand and you all do not respect that. I'm dating you, not them. I told you that repeatedly and you never listened. I've had enough. I'm through with you and I want you all out. Now.", said Y/n.

Mina looked pissed and so did everyone else. Bakugou stepped forward and grabbed Y/n by the shirt. He hoisted her off the ground and into the air so that she dangled. "You don't get to dictate that. We do. If we say your dating us all, then you are. Whether you agree to it or not.", he snarled in her face.

[cazpase]

Do you have any more ideas/headcannons about/for that 20k Leagues Phantom AU? 👀👀

(I loved your art work so much!)

some random things first:

nemo is a baritone. pierre performs tenor roles, but he is actually also a baritone. a lot of emotional damage to the altos out there, speaking from experience

i am not sure who to put as raoul because ned works better as him plot-wise, and conseil does personality-wise.

the opera house corresponds to pierre's narrative, not the nautilus.

nemo is a serial assassin who tracks down those responsible for the deaths of his family and his people. he quite literally has no name: he uses different aliases and switches jobs (primarily in music), and the public has no idea why random officials start missing. "nemo" is just the name he presents to pierre.

at least one (1) important person who works for the east india company is going to be hanged.

it would be funny if nemo knows about the macbeth superstition and mutters it in the opera house right before he kills. he is the type of person to do that

-

(assume everything i am about to say about poto to be based on the musical because i have not fully read the book.)

20kluts and poto explore very different ideas, and preserving the essence of the former definitely means changing a lot about how the latter's plot plays out, which is why i have not thought that much into the au. however, i can elaborate on the two main ways 20kluts differs from poto that i want to preserve (and from them derive some very general ideas that will be bolded):

characterization of the byronic man™

erik's tragedy is his own character, in the fact that he compensates for his unmet need for love by pursuing control, the very thing that drives love away. nemo's tragedy is external to his character, in his backstory and the sociopolitical context. his need for closure is unmet and will always be, no matter what his actions are. the dead are dead. nobody alone can execute oppression itself.

therefore, an interaction with erik brings out his tragedy, whereas an interaction with nemo does not affect his at all. christine is erik's antithesis in his tragedy; pierre is nemo's truce with his. antitheses lead to syntheses; truces end. seeking escape in pierre's blissful ignorance of his past can only work for that long, and whatever wall nemo lets down will have to be rebuilt in the end. the dead are dead. nobody alone can execute oppression itself, and, well, who else can nemo be? he is destined to be worn down by a purpose pierre cannot understand, and this is something that has to remain unchanged in the au.

2. nuances in dynamics

at surface level, the two stories create similar dynamics that are rather faustian in nature: one character promises the other further knowledge in exchange of the latter's free will. the difference is, erik actively seeks control over the external world, while nemo only wants to maintain control within his own isolated domain. this means pierre must somehow intrude upon nemo's plans for the dynamic to start, and leave him, rather than defeat him, for it to end. also, nemo's influence should only show either when he helps people or when he kills.

then there is the different roles of identity in the two dynamics. erik controls christine largely through her late father's influence, which is very much connected to how patriarchy takes away women's agency, and this is subverted in the end through christine's assertion of moral autonomy over erik. whereas for nemo, the very reason he wants complete control over his isolated space is to subvert the injustices done to himself in the past, to be able to declare "the oppressors have no power here" and "i am decades ahead of colonizers in areas of knowledge they claim to own". again, unlike erik's, nemo's power is not something to be defeated.

the last and perhaps the most important dynamic lies in the construction of the narrative itself. this is unique to 20kluts, where pierre's unreliable narration as a hyperfixated scholar overshadows most of nemo's tragedy. (i know it is supposed to since verne originally wrote the story for popularizing science to the youth, but subtext still matters, and i find this conflict of "what if a character does not belong in the narrative?" very interesting.) the maelstrom subverts this. to me, it not only symbolizes nemo being consumed by his purpose, but also removes him from pierre's narrative and makes him one with the ocean: unbound, conflicting, never-ending, a force of nature. nemo is no longer a name but the lack thereof (not dissimilar to before he is even brought into the narrative), free from not only the tyrants of his time but the ones we call readers as well. (by the way, the necessity of this ending is not obvious, and i have heard people say it is not climactic enough. telling the story on stage would actually be a cool solution because it creates opportunities to explicitly examine pierre's role as an unreliable narrator. anyway.) remember how i said the opera house in the au should symbolize pierre's narrative and that nemo only ever uses aliases? i decided so such that him disappearing would be something similar to the ending of 20kluts rather than the symbol of defeat in poto.

20kluts neatly takes all aspects of the dynamic into consideration: only because of nemo's moral and emotional exhaustion are the three captives able to escape his control, and only because of their escape is nemo able to leave the narrative. for the au's ending to really work, nemo has to similarly let pierre let him go, whether either intends to or not. perhaps he finds out that pierre is an eyewitness to what he just did, and in true "still / the neva flows (reprise)" fashion, perhaps they have an intense duet, accompanied by the ensemble's four-part harmony to symbolize the weight of nemo's past, only for him to realize when the song is done that he cannot bring himself to kill pierre — something along the angered lines of "you will never see me again, so tell them whatever you want" to address pierre's power over the narrative. then perhaps pierre realizes, now that he is free to act upon his morals, he still wants all the best for nemo — something along the lines of "that is history's job, and you have nothing to fear". perhaps they bid farewell, and then nemo disappears. back to his destiny now.

that was a lot of unstructured and unsupported yapping for such a vague plot, largely from my own understanding and entirely without citations. it probably did not flow very well either because i have been editing it on and off, so i apologize to anyone who just finished reading this. were i a good composer i would have started writing a 20kluts musical at this point. also, glad you liked my art

[douglysium]

Episode 16 TMP Quick Thoughts

Housekeeping and Prologue

Hello, this is Douglysium and you might not know me as that guy who wrote over 100 pages of analysis on the Eye (which can be read on Tumblr here (https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/735599414228484097/the-relationships-between-the-dread-powers-the) or Google Docs here (The Relationships Between the Dread Powers: The Eye- Knowledge is Fear and Ignorance is Bliss)) or as that guy who wrote an article on the Extinction (which can be read on Tumblr here(https://douglysium.tumblr.com/post/717929126195003392/what-would-avatars-of-the-extinction-be-like-a) and Google Docs here(​What would Avatars of the Extinction be like?: A TMA Speculation)). Suffice to say I might be a bit of a TMA fan. Also, spoilers for TMP up until episode 10. You can read my ramblings on the last episode here (Episode 15 TMP Quick Thoughts).

However, Protocol offers a very unique opportunity and experience for me because I didn’t actually get into TMA until after it was over and I binged all of it. So this is my first time experiencing something even remotely similar to what the original TMA fans probably experienced when waiting for each episode week by week and slowly having to put everything together with the limited information they had. So I decided to throw my hat into the ring since this might be my only chance to do something similar. However, I’m working on some longer form TMA content so I can’t spend as much time on these articles giving a bunch of super detailed thoughts. I will try to keep these short and that inevitably might mean some could have questions about why I think or predict certain things and in those cases I would probably recommend you read at least some of the two articles I mentioned above to get a better idea of where I’m coming from. This also means I won’t be giving you a play-by-play of every single thing that happens in the episode so I encourage you to listen to or read them yourselves and feel free to comment if you feel something is important.

These reviews are probably going to end up focusing mostly on the Entities and their manifestations as they are what I have thought about the most and spent the most time interpreting and there’s been a lot of… interesting theories floating around about how the Entities are manifesting that I want to go over.

Finally, I’m just going to say it right now, spoiler warning for all of The Magnus Archives. I know that Jon and co said one could start with Protocol and be fine, and while that’s probably true, media like this tends to be made in conversation with or take into consideration what came before it in the irl chronology in order to connect them. While I’m sure you could skip The Magnus Archives, I don't really see the point of skipping over it when we are already getting characters from TMA showing up in TMP in Protocol. So to me it’s pretty clear that if we want to understand the full picture of TMP and all the things it is trying to say then we can’t just try to pretend TMA doesn’t exist or scrub it away. Just because you could understand what’s happening without the context in broad strokes doesn’t mean you're getting all the nuances.

These articles are meant to be quick and short so sorry if there’s typos and if I don’t address every possible question or possibility. I don’t want to repeat myself too much in this series outside of the prologue so be sure to skim some of my other articles.

Oopsie

An addendum to my last article. In that piece I said “The possibility of a target being in this episode is interesting since Bonzo’s target also seemed like they were wealthy or had a decent amount of money at the expensive club in Episode 12 (Getting Off). Wealth and money seem like another noticeable theme in Protocol so far.” I went back and skimmed that episode and there’s no mention of the men at the club being rich or having decent money. Just that the club is at best well known or prestigious.

Episode 16 “Anti-Social”

As always, we take in the events of the episode through some sort of device. This time, something is listening through one of the computers in the OIAR’s office. Sam and Celia are comforting Alice sometime after her encounter with the mysterious drowning woman. It is confirmed that the woman did in fact die in the last episode but after Alice ran away she “...went back afterwards. Couldn’t just leave her. Tape player was gone and she’d stopped speaking, and when the paramedics turned up and they just called it straight away. Said she’d been dead for ages.”

I don’t remember if I actually said this in the previous episode, but I originally assumed that the woman wasn’t one of the dead bodies mentioned by Gordon in Episode 11 “Marked.” My original assumption was that the drowning woman had been alive until she met Alice and died. So I thought she was a victim of The Deep or Gordon. Gordon even mentions “It belongs to the deep. I’m going to go get it and I’m going to find it and if they try and stop me I swear the ocean will claim us all” which sounds like a threat. Gordon could easily be on his way to becoming some sort of Avatar.

However, what the paramedics say does make my original assumption a lot less likely. It is more likely that this drowning woman might in fact be one of the dead bodies uncovered by Gordon’s crew in Episode 11. TMA has always had a weird relationship with death in the fact that not every dead character necessarily stays dead and they can come back, or mimic coming back, under very specific circumstances. The most obvious example of this would be with Avatars. In order to become an Avatar one must experience some sort of death. Sometimes this death is purely metaphorical but it can also be a literal physical death acting as the trigger for an Avatarification. Annabelle, Trevor, and Oliver from TMA are all examples of Avatars that had died or were declared dead only to seemingly return later.

So is this woman some kind of Avatar? It’s kind of hard to say. I would say that when an Avatar dies they seem to come back pretty quickly and don’t just suddenly regain life years later and become an Avatar. It’s possible the woman already was some sort of Avatar before her burial since we know people connected to the Powers can have their life extended but this usually requires them to appease their respective Entity in some way. Usually an Avatar being buried and unable to gather fear directly for their Entity would lead to them “starving” and dying. However, in TMA there were previous Archivists who were seemingly ancient and mummy-like with bodies that still moved, and there is the Catalogue of the Trapped Dead. However, the latter doesn’t actually preserve someone’s soul, life conscience, or whatever you want to believe but merely makes a copy of it. In MAG 154 (Bloody Mary) Eric states “I know that I’m not really Eric; I’m just a memory someone wrote down. It hurts, most of the time. I don’t like it.” We also know that Entities have ways of keeping people alive so that they can continue to torture them and draw out fear.

So the way I see it, there’s a couple of somewhat likely explanations on the table right now. First is that the drowning woman is some kind of Avatar. While this isn’t completely impossible or farfetched, at the moment I find this kind of unlikely. The second possibility is that the woman is someone who is being constantly tormented by The Deep and her conscience and / or body are somehow being maintained so that this Entity can feed on the fear or torment. It’s possible that while physically she reads as dead she is in fact alive and being maintained by a supernatural power or her vitals are so weird or wonky they wouldn’t read as normal vitals. The third possibility is that the woman actually is dead and someone or something is merely puppeting / controlling her body for whatever reason. There’s also the possibility that The Deep or some other Entity is recreating the woman’s conscience or somehow remembers what she was like before she died or this is some human-like manifestation / monster being used to scare or torture people (like a weirder version of Michael and Helen as the Distortion).

I should mention now that I think The Deep is an aspect of The Buried. It shares many similarities with The Buried, such as a call to return something to its grave and keep it there, deep waters in relation to drowning, etc.. While there are arguably some overlaps with an Entity like The Vast I would argue that they are overlaps that have always been present in terms of manifestations and themes in TMA. For example, both Entities had an association with tons of deep water and crushing weight (even if it was for often different reasons). Not to mention that two of The Buried’s names were “Forever Deep Below” and “Too Close I Cannot Breathe.” Both of which relate to The Deep in both name and themes of drowning and suffocation.

There’s also the tape that the drowning woman was carrying. If you know about TMA you should know why these tapes are so important, and if you haven’t experienced TMA I don’t know what possessed you to read this. Regardless, the fact that the woman carries a tape only for it to seemingly disappear is interesting and it’s very likely the tapes will have another important role in Protocol. Just like in TMA, it seems like something is capable of listening through the tapes but unlike TMA they don’t seem to be limited to just tapes and can listen through electronics in general. It could be something like The Web again and it just no longer has the exact same plans for the tapes, or it could be some other being or Entity using them.

The fact that the tape disappears is also suspicious. Last episode I had to wonder if something was attempting to give Alice the tape or some information on the tape but that raises the question of why the tape disappeared. Maybe some other force intervened. Something like ERROR (which we still have not heard about for a while) could have something to do with this and I could totally see the possibility of someone or something collecting the tapes or trying to give them to certain people. It could also be that something just wanted to make sure it was specifically Alice who got the tape and took it away when there was a chance Alice might have given it to the authorities or if the paramedics found it instead. The tapes also first reappeared in the episode ERROR was released from the Institute’s ruins so it’s possible ERROR and / or Protocol’s Institute is somehow related or connected to the tapes more directly. The tapes were also capable of somehow moving on their own in TMA. They followed Jon by using The Web’s lighter as a sort of tracking device or beacon but without such a device I don’t really know where they could be moving to or why.

We should also consider the fact that the tapes were connected to each of the Entities. Part of The Web’s plan was to let The Eye’s ritual go off so it could use the voice of the Archivist and the connection all the statements have to each Entity in order to drag them into a new universe. So it’s possible that the Entities are somehow drawn or even attached to the tapes in some way. I don’t think the tapes would be what’s keeping them in this world or anything but I wouldn’t be surprised if the tapes being around causes an uptick in supernatural events. In TMA the tapes were an artifact of The Web so it’s possible that the tapes are somehow being used to control things, such as the drowning woman, in some way.

Going back to this episode’s original scene, Alice also explains that the paramedics found tons of water in the woman’s lungs. So much water that there’s no way the woman could’ve been walking according to normal logic. Alice wonders if she’s finally going crazy, probably from listening to all the wild cases and how strange people like Colin have been acting, and Celia says “I believe you” and reaffirms her belief when Alice doubts her. Celia says “I’m serious. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I know exactly what happened, but I don’t think you just saw a body and freaked out. That’s not the Alice I know.” Now I’m not going to lie, I’ve lost track of how much time has passed since Celia first met Alice, so maybe they’ve hung out long enough for Celia to get a good feel for her, but I think there’s a bit more to it. As I’ve mentioned previously there are a lot of hints that Celia could be from the TMA universe and / or is at least aware of the Entities at a bare minimum. She shares the first name of a character that appeared in TMA as a part of Georgie and Melanie’s cult, she asks for Sam’s help in looking for information about multiversal travel (which we know is possible with the gap in reality, and in Episode 7 (Give and Take) she asks “Oh I don’t know. Every case about being buried alive or meat or… whatever.” Which sounds like someone using cases related to The Buried and The Flesh as examples.

Not to mention that on her first date with Sam she reveals that she already believed the cases to be real and last episode she was quite wary around Lady Mowbray and refused to give the aristocrat her name. So we can infer that even before Alice’s encounter Celia already believed all the supernatural events that were occurring. So whether she actually trusts Alice that much or would have believed what happened regardless is up in the air. I think it’s interesting that Celia comforts and hugs Alice. Especially given that in Episode 14 (Pet Project) Alice seems to take some sort of issue with Celia going on a second date with Sam, but it doesn’t seem like there has been any bad blood since and Alice hasn’t really done all that much to stop Celia and Sam from continuing to date. Seeing Celia comfort Alice like this is just really making me wonder where their relationship is going and if Celia’s relationship with Sam will cause friction in the future.

As Celia and Sam reassure Alice that she’s not crazy Sam says “Same. And it’s not like it’s any weirder than half the stuff we read here.” and Alice responds with “(touched) Thanks guys. Maybe… Eurgh. (sighing) I know it’s selfish but, I kind of hoped I’d paid my horror dues working here, y’know?” Before Celia says “I think there’s plenty of it to go around at the moment.” This implies that at least a part of Alice believed the cases were real and that she simply hoped to avoid the supernatural or believed that there was nothing she could actually do about them. At this point it's safe to assume everyone working at the OIAR at least suspects something supernatural is going on while people like Lena already know. Alice’s comment about paying her horror dues is interesting because later in this episode Lena is extremely upset that Gwen invited Mowbray to the OIAR and she even says “Because that’s the only possible explanation I can find for why you would think it was appropriate to bring an External into our offices.” and “Safer? You marched a dangerous asset right through the office without taking any precautions! For goodness sake, you gave her a tour! You introduced her to your colleagues! That poses a completely unacceptable risk to personnel.” along with ���Gwen, if the O.I.A.R. is to function it is imperative that the Externals respect us and the boundaries we impose upon them.”

While I don’t think there’s any sort of trade off or “horror dues” to be paid it does sound like the OIAR does in fact have some sort of procedure or protection (a protocol if you will) in place for its employees safety either officially or unofficially. At the bare minimum, these procedures apply to the workers while they spend their long odd hours in the office. Whether there’s any kind of protection or procedure for when the workers are not on site or off the clock is to be seen. Lena mentions how hard it is to find any workers but if a worker was suddenly taken by The Deep or some External outside of office hours I wonder if the OIAR would anything about it… could they do anything about it? It’s also possible that these are just in place to protect workers from the OIAR’s own Externals as opposed to any and all supernatural occurrences or beings. This is all a long winded way of me saying that Alice may actually have some level of protection granted to her by the company even if she doesn’t realize it. I think Alice believing she “paid off her horror dues” could be her mistaking this protection for some sort of odd metaphorical karma system or something. Then again, it could always just be some level of luck on the part of Alice. What Alice is saying also sounds like she was hoping for some sort of balance of sorts, in the sense that there were “horror dues” that could be paid off or if she experienced enough horror there was less of a chance she would run into it later. In episodes like 13 (Futures) and 9 (Rolling with It) both the case givers seem to be under the impression that there is some sort of societal or cosmic balance only to be proven wrong or screwed over. This actually seems like a continuation of one of the themes present in TMA. Robert Smirke was someone who believed some balance between the Entities could be achieved to safely harness them only to eventually come to the tough realization that this was a false assumption when The Flesh started emerging.

So it seems like Protocol is expanding on that theme. Protocol also does use some alchemy symbols in its logo and such and I could see the themes of balance and alchemy being related somehow. Maybe someone tried / tries to achieve some sort of balance with alchemy only to mess it up or realize the “alchemy” doesn’t work in the way they thought and there is no such balance. The balance thing also seems like a commentary on society. While we would like to believe that everyone gets their dues eventually bad people can still get away with stuff scott free and innocent people who didn’t do anything can get fucked over, even if if they did everything right (this is also something brought up in TMA, and it can even be seen with characters like Sasha. Someone even Gertrude admits was the most qualified for the Archivist but she got screwed over and killed anyway).

Sam asks Alice if she’s okay enough to work and she says “Yeah. I already wasted most of Sunday crying about it. Anyway, odds are Freddie will spit out a transcript of the whole thing. Least I can do is make sure it’s filed properly, right?” Again, I have to wonder what’s determining what the cases the computers choose. Are all the cases somehow related to the OIAR’s externals or only some of them? Are they all just connected to the OIAR in some way (so it could include any employee or hire)? Maybe they’re just more random and only some of them have to do with the OIAR or someone / something is submitting relevant cases for some reason? Sam does what every TMA fan has done at least once and attempts to categorize the encounter, much to an awkward silence: “So would that be Z for zombie or…?” Protocol seems to have some commentary on how unwieldy or awkward viewing the categories as a binary can be when going through statements / cases and this moment might be a funny little jab at fans (such as myself) who will sometimes say “wow that was totally Vast” after going through some sort of experience. Alice has also implied that Sam can talk about his job a lot and Celia admitted he could be intense so this might be a way of showing how Sam’s job is slowly spilling into how he interacts with people and thinks (even if he is literally at his job right now and Alice is talking about it). More likely though, it shows that Sam is actually thinking about the categorization systems and is probably trying to learn about them.

Also, Alice saying that she spent a good chunk of Sunday crying about her encounter could be a joke or hyperbole but it also points to the idea that sometimes Alice is putting up a facade of some sort or that stuff gets to her more often than she might let on at first blush.

Case

Part of this episode’s case is given to us by Chester (Jonathon’s voice) and it follows a series of videos made by someone going by Madam Electrum (according to the url given by Chester) and the transcript refer to her as Madam E. There are some hashtags that tell us a bit about her channel: “#Gothgirl #lifestyle #beauty #alternative #aesthetic” This is also the return of Ink5oul (pronounced Inksoul): “Madam E/Ink5oul - Tattoo Reveal! 30-10-2023.” We even hear Ink5oul speak finally, even if it isn’t much and doesn’t tell us a lot about them. Madam E reveals that she is getting a tattoo from from Ink5. She also says “And let me say, they are the absolute GOAT so I'm here for my very own, completely personalized, absolutely aesthetic, totally vegan, boujee ink, for free!” Apparently, vegan tattoo ink is actually a thing but I don’t know much about it.

Also, electrum is “a natural or artificial alloy of gold with at least 20 percent silver, used for jewelry, especially in ancient times.” This could be some sort of reference to alchemy since gold and silver are very important metals in alchemical belief. According to wikipedia “Electrum was much better for coinage than gold, mostly because it was harder and more durable, but also because techniques for refining gold were not widespread at the time.” Neither gold or silver rust even if both metals can tarnish. So there might be something going on here with the idea of an alloy that never rusts and is resistant to degradation.

Madam E explains “This is seriously… I’m going in straight blind and trusting the process, I am that full on Ink5oul stan. So, as I finna get marked, make sure you’re following on socials, subbed to my Youtube and OnlyFans (if you know, you know) and sending those like, like, likes!” and Ink5 asks “You ready for your heart’s desire?” Madam E saying she’s going to get marked is interesting. Obviously, she might just be referencing being marked with a tattoo but Episode 11 (Marked) has the term in its name. Once again, that could also just be a pun revolving around tattoos BUT in TMA the term “marked” was also sort of used to reference people who were being targeted by or had a direct encounter with one or more Entities. In MAG 019 (Confession) a possessed Bethany O'Connor says “I am not for you. I am marked.” and Jonah’s plan for Jon involves having Jon get “marked” by each Entity. So “marked” here might actually have an extra layer of pun to it. People are getting marked both literally and metaphorically. Or maybe the tattoos are some weird physical manifestation of being marked.

Ink5 asking “You ready for your heart’s desire?” is also kind of interesting. I previously assumed Ink5 was some sort of Avatar of The Flesh, and while I stand by the idea that the case in Episode 2 (Making Adjustments) probably had to do with The Flesh, I’m not so cure Ink5 is specifically an Avatar of The Flesh anymore. Ink5 might be more similar to Robert Smirke in the sense that they have some sort of technique or knowledge that lets them interact with or call upon the influence of one or more Entities in specific ways without being an Avatar themselves. Smirke had his architecture and Ink5 might have their tattoos. Ink5 commentary on “heart’s desire” does sort of resemble how they behave in Episode 2. In that episode Ink5 doesn’t start tattooing until Daria tells them that she’s an artist, to which Ink5 responds with “The artist becomes the canvas!” So there’s definitely some weird “passion” or “heart” thing going on. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the tattoos seem to relate to things that people desire taken too far or twisted (such as artistic perfection or internet popularity). We’ll get back to Ink5 and their tattoos later since there is definitely some other stuff to talk about (such as how their tattoos seem to have different effects and where they might be getting their ideas).

Based on Madam E’s reaction we can assume that, like with Daria’s tattoo in Episode 2, getting it was extremely painful. I mean getting tattoos in general seems painful but these tattoos might be abnormally painful. Daria mentions looking down and expecting to see a bloody mess but maybe this is just Daria’s own expectations despite how weird the rest of the session was (she mentions getting no after care for example). This does seem to parallel what happens to Madam E here since she also seems just as wowed by Ink5 tattoo but Ink5 almost immediately tells her “Now get out.” Once again, Ink5 rushed their client out the door. Is there a reason for this? Is it Ink5's way of protecting themselves from the supernatural tattoos they make or some other reason, like maybe they don’t want the other person to be able to confront them as easily when the tattoos start taking effect?

The next video is titled “Videos: Recent Ink5oul rumours! 19-12-2023.” Madam E has gotten into some sort of internet drama with Ink5 and as she explains it she reveals that the tattoo she got from them was that of a heart in addition to the fact that she and Ink5 were in a situationship. Dictionary.com defines situationship as “a romantic or sexual relationship that is undefined and noncommittal.” The point is they were in some sort of close and probably intimate relationship, which makes the tattoo being a heart more poetic / ironic. “So like, since getting that ink I been feeling AMAZING and I admit I mighta got a bit extra, simping on Ink5oul. So you knows ya girl was slidin’ into their DMs- Holla to all them other thirsty girls!- and got into a bit of a Kiki.” The most straightforward interpretation here is that this heart tattoo somehow relates to things like love or likes in some way.

Madam E asked Ink5 about where they get their tattoo ideas from but didn’t get a straight answer since Ink5 apparently just says “secrets” and Madam E says “and, sure, but that got me sus cos like, we was high key vibing then suddenly they’re just dead y’know?” (so Ink5 became more quiet or despondent). After a period of not talking Ink5 asks Electrum ““so are you a real goth or not?” And I’m like “I’m more goth than y’all can handle”, and they just send me ”from.vision.ruled, Thursday, two thirty AM”. Takes a tick for me to clock that it’s a three words but when I look it up, turns out it’s this patch up in Highgate Cemetery.” So Electrum and Ink5 sneak into the cemetery and “We head on through the graves and then they point to one of ‘em and just give me a look. I was no cap shook and then they just said “dig”. I laughed, ‘cause, like, the ‘hell? But they were serious. “I thought you were goth?” they said. Now ya girl is hella goth, but this, this was just nasty so I told them they were outta pocket and they just give me the look again and whisper “don’t make me break your heart.” And I’m telling you, I could feel the words in my chest y’know? Brutal. That does me and so I am out of there like that.”

While this account does seem to share some similarities with the body being stolen in Episode 11 (Marked) there is a lot of evidence to suggest that this is actually a different body than the one Gordon was talking about. For one, this body is being dug up from a grave while the one in Episode 11 was taken from a medical facility as it was being examined. Not to mention that according to one of the email titles the cemetery Gordon found the bodies in was Padstow Civil Cemetery, but this is Highgate Cemetery. So this is probably a different body but it probably has its own special tattoo, like the one seen in Episode 11. Ink5 saying “don’t make me break your heart” is ominous and potentially implies a strange effect of the heart tattoo, as Electrum even says she could feel the words in her chest.

Electrum claims that she bailed and then the very next day there’s news of someone breaking into Highgate and robbing graves (presumably Ink5). Madam E says “Y'all gotta know what's up. And, like, where does Ink5oul get all their ideas huh? Are they really all that or maybe, maybe they’re just bitin’ stuff from some mouldy old bodies? Nasty. Ya girl is a goth, not a ghoul and I am done with Ink5oul.” This does raise an interesting point. It’s possible that Madam E just doesn’t know what she’s talking about because, like most people, she seems unaware of the supernatural. However, she still might be onto something even if she didn’t have the entire picture. In Episode 11 (Marked) Ink5 appears to steal another corpse that we know had a tattoo on it. In addition to that Gordon recounts “According to them the tattoo is an “Oscar Jarrett”, and that’s a big deal to some folks in that community – something to with Sutherland Macdonald whoever that is.” 

As I went over in the Quick Thoughts for that respective episode, “Oscar Jarrett doesn’t seem like a style or type of tattoo. Which points to the idea that Oscar is a person. Considering all the tattoos we are seeing, Oscar might be comparable to Smirke in some ways. In the sense that in the same way there was special Smirkean architecture, there could be special Jarettian tattoos if that makes any sense. Tattoos that are designed to have supernatural effects of some kind. It’s also possible that Oscar simply learned and taught some kind of supernatural technique, kind of like the techniques that The Boneturner’s Tale could grant someone in TMA or how Martin sort of ended up learning how to “disappear” by following Peter Lukas’ attempt to connect him to The Lonely. Oscar Jarrett and Ink5 are definitely people to look out for in the future. Sutherland Macdonald surprisingly did yield actual search results. He is apparently “a prominent English tattoo artist in the late 19th century and early 20th century, and the first tattooist in Britain with an identifiable premises open to the public.” This makes Sutherland notable for the same reason someone like Smirke might have been in TMA. A historical figure who somehow learned and / or spread knowledge about the Entities. Again, it’s possible that there are Macdonald style tattoos in the same way there is Smirke style architecture. It could also be that the Oscar Ink5 is referring to is in fact the body with the tattoo that Gordon found and Gordon just doesn’t know what they are referring to. It could also be that there are multiple tattoo artists or Oscar is some student or follower of Sutherland in the same way people like Jonah, Maxwell Rayner, and Mordechai Lukas all had a connection to Smirke via being students or associates. Some characters even explicitly got the idea of possible rituals from Smirke and his research, despite the fact that most weren’t concerned with Smirke’s ideals of balancing the Powers.”

This leads to the question of how exactly Ink5 taking inspiration from these tattoos works. It could be that Ink5 is taking inspiration from some sort of technique or style from each tattoo. Which would mean the tattoos don’t have to match exactly or they could vary. But Ink5 could be copying the tattoos 1-to-1 and major deviations, if any, might not be possible. So the question becomes this: When Ink5 comes across a new tattoo is that like adding to their style or is it just like adding a new kind of tattoo to their portfolio? As mentioned previously, in both of Ink5’s appearances their tattoos don’t seem to be picked randomly. With Daria Ink5 waits until they feel inspired and the tattoo Ink5 gives Electrum seems to be based on their situationship and E’s desire for internet popularity. Of course, all the grave robbing causes Electrum to break off her relationship with Ink5.

The next video is “Videos: Madam E – OMG That callout video! 19-12-2023” and Madam E says “Y’all probably heard by now that Ink5oul dragged me on their channels. It was… it was vicious pick-me trash and everyone bought it and their stans are seriously extra cos… yeah there’s been proper hate at me and y’know I try to rise above… but it’s hard.” Madam E insists that they're a good person despite all the callouts, death threats, and doxxing. Even the cops are trying to pin the grave robbing on Madam E despite Ink5 probably being the culprit.

But then something weird happens. Madam E lets out a gasp and clasps her chest before saying “It hurts. All that hate, all those people wanting me dead or worse… I can feel it. No cap, it hits right here. It’s like y’all are bees stinging me over and over right in the heart. I dunno if the camera’s picking it up but you can even see it… ” This is probably related to the warning Ink5 gave earlier “don’t make me break your heart.” She then says “That’s not okay. I’m not okay. I just, I just wanted y’all to listen but instead… ” before announcing the decision to take some time away from her socials.

The next video is titled “Videos: Madam E – Help (Unposted) 03-01-2024” and takes an even sharper turn with E coming to us from some sort of hospital room and sounding worse for wear. Electrum has been getting some comments expressing worry and E explains that the threats and doxxing have been getting worse: “So since that last vid, things got worse… started getting dodgy mail… then someone set my door on fire… The cats are okay but… had to move back in with mum and dad and now…” We then get more details on her condition as she says-

She coughs weakly. It sounds awful. 

MADAM E 

“I’m… in the hospital… there’s something wrong with my heart… but they’re not sure… She gasps again.”

MADAM E 

“It hurts… It hurts so much… mum says its stress but doctor says its an infection from the tattoo. but… I know it’s more than that…”

She coughs painfully again and begins crying. 

MADAM E 

“I just wanted to be noticed… I just… I don’t deserve this… please, please just stop… the views are cutting me... the comments hurt… I’m done… I’m done and… and…”

She struggles to breathe, an alarm starts beeping. There is the sound of tearing skin and a gurgled sound, as though something were tearing itself free of her flesh. The recording ends

In this dialogue even the doctors directly link Madam E’s sickness to the tattoo. Okay, where do I begin? I’ll start with the usual. If we were to view this through the lens of Smirke’s 14 the most obvious Entities that come to mind are The Eye and The Corruption for me. The Eye is the more obvious one since it relates to fears having to do with judgment, being doxxed or having information revealed. The Eye has also manifested as strange diseases in the past. Albrecht von Closen had an encounter with The Eye after coming across a tomb and taking a bunch of old books with numerous statements (something Jonah later stole). In MAG 127 (Remains to be Seen) it’s clear Albrecht is being beset by a strange illness and he is becoming sickly and dying (he’s also spouting statements and staring at people). Albrecht later dies from unknown causes (the mysterious illness) and an autopsy reveals that his internal organs, bones, and inner skin had been covered with eyes… So growing eyes or some other observational tool / organ where they shouldn’t be would be in line for The Eye and potentially explain the pain E feels. E talking about how the views are cutting her and the comments hurt could relate to The Eye and the theme of judgment or being perceived. The fear of people judging you and not liking you is very in line for The Eye. Ink5 threatening to break Madam E’s heart could tie into The Eye’s connection to judgment.

TMA also likes to play around with irony too when it can. This wouldn’t be the first time someone wished for fame or to be noticed only to draw the attention from a being that feeds off the fear of being perceived or known by others.

Then there’s The Corruption. The Corruption is an Entity that embodies fears relating to disgust. As I’ve mentioned previously, this does include non-physical things. People can find specific actions, mentalities, or kinds of relationships gross and / or off putting (which is where The Corruption’s connection to toxic relationships often comes from). Not to mention, that The Corruption can have themes of self-loathing stemming from disgust one might feel towards one’s self. Hopefully, you can see how this could easily relate to the fear of others finding you disgusting. I would go as far as to say that the fear of judgment is something The Corruption and Eye can very easily overlap in. Being afraid of being judged and found gross often go hand and hand, and someone judging you might label you as gross.

So there could be the fear of Electrum’s fans becoming disgusted with her. Not to mention that Madam E seemed to find Ink5 digging up bodies gross, since she says “Are they really all that or maybe, maybe they’re just bitin’ stuff from some mouldy old bodies? Nasty. Ya girl is a goth, not a ghoul and I am done with Ink5oul.” You could also relate this to The Corruption’s theme of unhealthy or gross relationships because this all happened due to Electrum’s situationship with Ink5 (which didn’t seem healthy considering the threats). You could also make an argument for Electrum having an unhealthy relationship with her followers or people on social media. When E describes the pain in her heart she describes it as “bees stinging me over and over right in the heart.” The Corruption has an obvious connection to bugs since they are often thought of as gross and The Corruption has manifested as things such as wasps and hives in the past. Not to mention, out of all the Entities, The Corruption has the greatest precedent for manifesting as diseases due to the connotation sickness has with feelings of disgust.

Something also sounds like it might be bursting out of E’s chest at the end of the video, I can’t say what exactly though. It’s possible something was gestating in her heart like some sort of parasite or hive but maybe her heart just sort of… walked away? I know that sounds stupid but Ink5 did threaten to take her heart so maybe they literally got it somehow.

As for other Smirkean categories that could relate to this case, there’s The End and maybe The Slaughter with the death threats, The Desolation in regards to Electrum’s home being threatened from the door being burned down, and The Web with Ink5 trying to manipulate E and Madam E feeling a negative backlash when she doesn’t follow their command. There’s also themes of The Flesh with something potentially emerging from, or distorting, E’s body.

CHESTER

In episode 12 (Episode 12 TMP Quick Thoughts) I went through each of the voices on the computers to see if there was any sort of pattern. I won’t go through all of them here, but I argued that CHESTER, Jonathan’s voice, seems to show up with cases that have heavy themes of curiosity or someone looking for something. The most obvious example of this would be CHESTER covering the case of RedCanary investigating the Institute’s ruins to find unexplored areas and sate their curiosity in episode 1. There is an argument that this specific episode could have similar themes when you consider that it involves Ink5 looking for a body and trying to dig it up while Madam E is trying to get more followers on the internet.

It’s also possible CHESTER covers cases related to the Institute but we can’t say for certain if Ink5 has any relation to the Institute yet.

Rest of the Episode

This case seems to be getting to Alice and as she walks off Celia and Sam go to comfort her. The cases are probably starting to hit a bit too close to home after her experience with the drowning woman.

Gwen enters the room just as everyone left and exclaims “For god’s sake! The second I’m not around…” She probably assumes everyone is ditching work or something. The transcripts clarify that Gwen “...leans over starts reading Sam’s case.” which is interesting. I wonder if she was about to categorize Sam’s case for him to finish his work or just wanted to see the last thing he had been reading.

“Lena angrily knocks on the glass of her office.” and Gwen is clearly annoyed. Gwen tries to get out of the situation by saying “Look maybe you didn’t notice but no one is at their desks and the case load tonight is” which might imply that Gwen was about to do Sam’s cases for him. It might also point to Gwen being a bit of a workaholic or overworking herself unnecessarily. She might also be doing all of this to try to cope with horrors such as Mr. Bonzo or avoid Lena.

After Lena tells Gwen to sit down she begins to tear into her.

LENA CONT. 

“Are you stupid?’ 

GWEN 

“(bristling) Excuse me?” 

LENA 

“(louder) I said Are. You. Stupid?” 

GWEN 

“I don’t”

LENA 

“Because that’s the only possible explanation I can find for why you would think it was appropriate to bring an External into our offices.” 

GWEN 

“I just thought it might be safer if they were in a controlled environment.” 

LENA 

“Safer? You marched a dangerous asset right through the office without taking any precautions! For goodness sake, you gave her a tour! You introduced her to your colleagues! That poses a completely unacceptable risk to personnel.” 

GWEN 

“I was with her almost the whole time. Besides, Lady Mowbray is a lady, an actual, married into the house of lords, Lady. It’s not like I was holding doors open for Mr. Bonzo or anything.” 

LENA 

“You have no idea how dangerous she is.” 

This is actually a very interesting interaction because it sheds light on the general relationship that the OIAR has with its Externals. Lena describes them as a dangerous asset that shouldn’t be brought into the office. She even says that introducing her colleagues posed a risk to Gwen’s coworker’s. That point in particular is interesting. In the last episode Lady Mowbray takes an interest in Celia and asks for her name. Luckily, Celia doesn’t give her a name but this would point to the idea that if Celia had she probably would have been put in some sort of danger. Nigel also mentioned it was probably for the best he and / or Bonzo didn’t Gwen’s name. This could mean that not revealing certain names is a part of the OIAR’s protocol.

This conversation also reveals that there is some sort of protocol or standard (be it official or unofficial) in place to help keep the OIAR’s workers safe / safer, at least while they are at the office. It also shows that the OIAR’s Externals might not usually know that much about the OIAR or what’s happening within it.

Gwen tries to defend her actions by arguing that Mowbray isn’t a monster like Mr. Bonzo. As we know from TMA, plenty of monsters and Avatars can look like normal people. Also, I don’t find the argument that Mowbray is a British aristocrat, so she can’t be evil, to be very compelling given what I know of history. 

LENA 

“You have no idea how dangerous she is.” 

GWEN 

“No, I don’t, because you don’t tell me anything!”

LENA 

“And I will keep it that way until you have proven to me that you can be trusted to think before you act.” 

GWEN 

“Or I die right? Because I can’t help noticing that you’re happy to send me out alone to meet all these dangerous Externals that you are too afraid to even let into the building!” 

LENA 

“Gwen, if the O.I.A.R. is to function it is imperative that the Externals respect us and the boundaries we impose upon them. Otherwise”

GWEN 

“Fine! No Externals on site, understood. Happy?’ 

LENA 

“It’s becoming clear to me that you are struggling with your new position and so I think it might best if you”

GWEN 

“Give me another assignment.” 

Gwen is obviously starting to lash out because of the lack of answers. This is all too familiar if you’ve seen TMA. Since Jon and co also got very annoyed on several occasions as Jonah strung them along and refused to give a lot of straight answers. So here we have another weird boss putting their subordinate in extreme danger for seemingly unknown reasons. Gwen explains that Lena never told her not to bring Externals on site and seemingly manages to get another chance or at least wants to prove herself. It’s plausible that the reason Gwen invited Mowbray was in an attempt to get answers but it’s also possible that she was just scared and what she said about the controlled environment was her actual justification.

This situation is kind of ironic because for all of Gwen’s talk about how dangerous this job seems, Lena actually didn’t think Gwen was ready for the job. Gwen forced Lena’s hand by blackmailing herself into the position. If it was up to Lena Gwen would probably not be in this position. This does make me wonder who was acting as the Externals Liaison before Gwen or if there are any others though.

Conclusion

If you want to see the categories for this episode’s case in the transcripts they are-

CAT1RB1565-30102023-25032024 

Tattoo(influencer)-/- Cardiac 

Incident Elements: 

- Cyber Bullying 

- Intimidation 

- Harassment 

- Mentions of: heart problems, hospitalization, tattoos, needles, 

exhumation 

- SFX: Tattoo gun, screaming, coughing

If you want to see my previous articles you can read them here: TMP Quick Thoughts Archive

[decadentboat]

About lastest TBV chapter(8)

Spoilers !

What a mess...

The one thing to be glad about is Mitsuki's character finally moving. Finally realizing things and not backpedaling(what happened in his arc pretty much) Is what I have been waiting for since 2019.

Some points of the chapter:

So people are jumping to the Mitsuki and Eida ship so fast that makes me think they are threatened by her curiosity about Boruto, so they want to take her out of the way. I thought that convo was very similar to the one Mitsuki had with Sumire in the novels. Sarada, Sumire, Eida, all these girls had once convo with Mitsuki about their feelings and the focus ends up being Boruto. Can you really call this a shipping moment of said characters when the person they elevate is another one?

Mitsuki blushing was very cute, I wish it was for Chouchou though, but we know they hate that, right?

About his feelings for Eida. Well, we know they are fake but even so he wanted to be thankful. And I think... Why is Mitsuki always thinking he isn't able to do or feel things on his own? Is it because of the "bliss" of ignorance? Because he is very humble? Or it's because of low self-esteem? Idk man, this series depresses me. If he really can't then give me a reason why this is the case, and not just "I'm artificially created"

I wouldn't mind friendship between Eida and Mitsuki, if anything I hope her powers render useless at some point so she can have a happy life too. But I cannot see them as a couple. I ship mitsucho ofc, but even if I take that aside for a second, it's the "feel" Eida gave off at the start that made me think she was a way mature woman. Knowing about what drinks she liked, talking about liking older men and how dreamy they were, about being monogamous. Which teenager talks like that? Even Delta sounds more bratty and youthfully and she is way older. Mitsuki, on the other hand, as mature he seems, is very innocent. IDK it feels wrong? Not even in the cute way of teaching someone less experienced about life. TBH this is also the reason Code Eida felt weird for me at first, but then they confirmed they both were the same age so I guess it's fine.

Loved that thumbs up Delta, it was so cute :_:

Mitsuki is almost the same height as Eida, does that mean he is shorty like Chouchou?... I mean it's not what I wanted but I find it cute too :___:

GOD, I just know Inojin is going to be humiliated when he said "I'm going to protect you"(Like the rest of Team 10). Why does this series insist on doing him this dirty??

Even so, he reassured Hima it would be alright. It was very cute. I found it funny people hated it as if Inojin was trying to flirt with her when they ignore their relationship in the anime and novels, where Inojin holds Himawari in high regard and respect despite her being younger. You could take that moment even as friendship if you don't like the ship. People are cringe.

I HAVE TO SEE THAT BUTTERFLY MODE PLEASE, and her lightning release...

I want to take a break from the series, not just say I'm gonna drop it. I'm... Tired. Not only the series make me sad about how dirty they made mitsucho as characters and as a ship, but also the fandom is what I cannot stand anymore. Whatever the end will be, I will have to accept it, but my mitsucho... I will sink with it all together if it doesn't happen. Love them together too much, not sorry.

[storkmuffin]

I know you've received a lot of asks in a similar vein and might be getting sick of it but I just wanted to say how grateful I am to have discovered this blog and to see someone discuss Ateez in a way that mirrors things I've felt but haven't been able to put into words exactly, especially with regards to Wooyoung. If you go into the tumblr tag for Ateez at all there's an insane amount of horny posting and no hate to those girls, live your bliss, but the way so much of his tag is filled with posts portraying him as like. A submissive femme bottom for lack of a better description has always rubbed me the wrong way.

Your post about his aegyo and about how it reads as masculine to you rather than feminine because he does it specifically for attention and because it pisses people off really felt like it made something click in my brain.

Anyone who has a brother or has spent time around guys under 25 recently will probably observe that a lot of them will act in ways that are annoying or weird on purpose just to get a rise out of you. It's like the primary method of seeking attention for white boys in their teens and early twenties. The fact that people will see Wooyoung laugh when he makes people cringe and state that he likes when Hongjoong yells at him and interpret it as an earnest declaration of his IRL designation as a bratty bottom is so crazy to me. Like maybe that’s true about him, I don't know the man personally, but it's so weird how so many people will disregard everything else a person says or does and cling to a single behaviour that they process completely differently when it's an idol vs regular guys in their life. 

Public announcement: I will never be sick of getting thoughtful asks! I WANT TO KNOW YOUR THOUGHTS. Please tell me!!

Especially if it's about Wooyoung. I still haven't decided on a bias bc this group is composed entirely of strong players somehow but Wooyoung is my 입덕요정, and I'll love him forever for that, so I will always want to hear about him!!

I've tried going into the tags for the guys and seen a lot of links to and snippets of fics that seem very well loved. What takes me out from reading them has been that they all have Ateez speaking ultra-fluent English, which I just can't reconcile, so I didn't get as far as seeing how Wooyoung is portrayed. But ... wow, that is really, REALLY different from how he seems to me. I mean - apparently Julius Caesar was a bottom too so it's not like that preference ties in with other traits in life per se, but yeah, seeing him depicted as femme-y would've been a bit bewildering to me.

Wooyoung's joke about Hongjoong behaving as though he was a 'bad man' 나쁜 남자 "turning him on" really didn't translate, I guess, unless he literally said that he likes getting yelled at by Hong Joong somewhere else. I'm doubtful about this, because I've seen some horrendously inaccurate Korean-to-English translations by the apps that people just reblog, but do let me know if I'm barking up the wrong tree. Let me kill the joke by overexplanation then.

I think Wooyoung told the story at least a couple times, but where I encountered it was on the Showterview with Sunmi, Episode 3.

Hong Joong ordered Wooyoung to "make me dinner" in a tone that's like, Bitch Set The Table. Wooyoung does say, "Instead of getting offended, my heart skipped a beat" to which the host, Sunmi, screeches, Why would your heart skip a beat? That's the transliteration of 가슴이 설렌다, but the actually accurate translation in this context would be, "I got a little bit turned on." Which is why Sunmi and San react with the equivalents of "What is wrong with you??" And Wooyoung's answer is important: "Because it was the first time anyone talked down to me like that/ treated me with such disrespect."

That's to say, this is a first-in-a-lifetime event, a once-in-a-lifetime situation that someone, anyone, dared to talk to Wooyoung Jung, a motor-mouth, physically and emotionally aggressive boy who isn't afraid to get really, really loud, to lick you on the face and bite your arm if the impulse takes him, in an imperative tone. He got turned on because it never happens. Because normally, nobody dares. Because he's not someone you want to provoke like that, and everyone knows it on sight.

Is what I'm trying to say coming through?

There's a lot of 'twists' like this to stories that Wooyoung tells about himself. The purpose of this story isn't to tell people that he's a submissive bottom - it's the exact opposite. He's so much of a top that nobody ever challenges him, and when they do the surprise factor turns him on a bit, because it's such a new and rare form of provocation in his life.

Hong Joong says he did what he did to make Wooyoung panic and feel uneasy (i.e. bully him and scare him), because it's fun, and Wooyoung basically says, in response, It made my dick hard, baby, ooh yeahhhh. Except Idols can't talk like that, especially to women, and definitely not on a show. But it's that same energy.

[biggaybunny]

Several years ago I came across on my dashboard a little comic that left in me such a deep and intense sense of horror that it's haunted me ever since, though that is partially because of how my brain regularly revisits bad memories against my will for the express purpose of torturing me. Anyway, the point of this preamble is to serve as a content warning for existential horror, I guess.

The comic was simple, and pretty well burned in to my memory, so let me describe it for you first; a time traveler (a young woman) pops into frame and declares their excitement to explore the future. They are immediately greeted by a small feline robot that offers them a key to "their room", and a pill that will make them feel every kind of happiness at once. The time traveler refuses the offer, saying that they don't want simple happiness, and get their thrills from the sense of adventure. The robot explains that yes, no worry, that thrill is one of the things she'll feel once she's taken that pill. The time traveler agrees to try it for "just a minute". The comic cuts to the time traveler sitting on a chair in a small, completely barren room, with an IV hooked up to her. She is drooling and her eyes completely unfocused. We zoom out to see her room is just a small box next to many, each with a similar occupant, and we see rows and rows and rows of such boxes, implying this to be the fate of humanity. The comic ends there.

Just retelling this comic makes me want to puke, so distressing it is to me. I was also distressed by the person reblogging it who in the tags talked about how they felt this was a good fate for humanity; I blocked the post (I have thankfully never seen it again, despite blocking it multiple versions of xkit ago) and unfollowed the person who put it on my dash, and have never spoken to them again.

It's hard to explain exactly why I find this scenario so terrifying. It truly does shake me to my core. It's horrifying because it is a kind of living death, I suppose. A prison that cannot be escaped from. The mind is gone, or effectively gone, while the body remains. And there feels like there would be no saving someone from such a fate. What would happen to a person who experienced such a pure bliss, if you tried to cut them off from it? Do you think they'd find a return to existence anything less than traumatizing? That their minds would even be able to start working again, after what had happened? I don't see how. That's what makes it such a horrifying fate, to me. Once encountered, the person is lost, even as their body continues to function.

I also hate it because I've found it hard to refute as a potential fate for humanity. It gets kind of philosophically thorny. Our brains are just chemical machines; what is the difference between a sensation of pleasure earned versus one that's been chemically induced? What difference does it make if it's "real"? What does "real" mean? Is the person who climbs a mountain in a videogame not entitled to a sense of accomplishment the same as a person who really climbs a mountain? What about a mountain in vr? How far do we have to abstract away from the truth -- that every experience results in the production of a chemical cocktail by one part of our body to be processed by another part of our body -- for a sensation to "mean" something? Isn't pleasure something we all pursue, in some form, anyway? Isn't the goal of every moral framework out there to find a way so all involved can live happily? Why is it okay to imperfectly pursue pleasure of some kind -- satisfaction, ecstasy, triumph, whatever -- but not okay to pursue it optimally? If neither is okay, what are we all living for?

I refuse to accept this, because there's no room for both a world where this ultimate pleasure pill exists and a world where humanity continues. You can't say "this can exist and some people wouldn't take it". It renders all pursuits of humanity pointless. The thrill of discovery? That's just chemicals. The joy of companionship? Chemicals. All things we feel are just chemicals; we are just chemicals. This thought has never scared me before, but that's perhaps because on some level, I always took it for granted that consciousness was somehow... special. Something more important, something you can't just... bypass. But I know that that's not true.

Maybe consciousness is still the answer. Maybe our consciousness is what makes us human, and needs to be protected. I feel unsure if I've explained why I'm so sure that the scenario described in that comic would obliterate consciousness; it feels self-evident to me that the individual must be destroyed in such a scenario, because they are unable to take any action including thinking, because they have been robbed of all reason to act or think, or in other words, the very ability to think.

I do not rely on instinctive reactions to guide my moral philosophy, so my revulsion alone is not a reason to condemn it. Perhaps, however, in this case my revulsion is justified, for the destruction of the mind is truly immoral thing. It does not perfectly answer why the destruction of the mind is a horrible thing, because, again, we are not special. We are an accident of atoms in a mechanical universe, or at least so I believe (unfortunately). I suppose, when you get to the heart of the issue, I'm simply asking what is the point of it all? If it doesn't have a point, doesn't that make all the struggle pointless too? Doesn't it mean we may as well strap ourselves in and have super-heroin drip-fed into our brains for our entire lives? And if so, why do I find that so terrifying? Is my terror just an accident of my evolution-designed brain, that contains in it the same desires to preserve and proliferate my kind as the slime mold?

This is the part where I'm supposed to come up with an answer. Something that irrefutably denies the idea that some kind of super-pleasure-cocktail could replace the enormity of life. But I don't know. In order to deny it, we have to decide on a meaning to our lives that categorically excludes it as a valid option. And there's no such universally agreed upon meaning to life. But maybe that's the answer, itself. We contain within ourselves the ability to decide for ourselves what it all means. We have free will; even if the universe turns out to be perfectly deterministic on the scale we're on, we won't ever know our decisions until we make them. It is this free will that the scenario I've gone on about destroys, because as I've said, there is no way for this to exist alongside other choices to live. Maybe you don't believe that. Or maybe you're one of the sorry kinds that think we should all be living in tiny boxes, our brains turned into nothing but organic chemical processing machines that take in chemicals and produce other chemicals. If that's the case, I think I hate you. But that's the best I can do to stop being haunted by a stupid comic I saw five or six years ago now. That's really all this is about.

Sorry for subjecting you all to this, it's really just for my own sake. I just needed to write my thoughts down. I've tried writing this post a couple times over the years, and always scrapped it. It just upsets me that much. I'm a neurotic little freak and I wish I wasn't being constantly tortured by my own mind. Maybe you got something out of this, maybe I disturbed you, in which case I'm sorry. Hopefully you can find a better way to cope than I did.

Maybe in the future I'll post the other thoughts that my brain uses to torture me, like the short story I read about that taught me what autocannibalism is, or the time in the 4th grade I touched a girl's thigh by accident. It's not much fun being me, most the time. Anyway, I'll stop procrastinating and post this. Sorry again.

[lkngnvw00078]

I mourn the fact that I will never have children.

It is not because I want any that I do so.

I love children. I love the wisdom they have, the spark that they have that haven't been beaten down by the oppressive rules of our society. I love watching them learn, I love helping them by answering their questions about life and the whole world.

I could still never have children.

I couldn't hope to afford it, for one. I have never been capable of working, and so my disability income provides only enough to support myself and the person I share home and living expenses with. Second, I am physically incapable of being there for any hypothetical child I would have, as I'm limited by constant pain and injuries.

And even if it weren't so, I would hate having to constantly disappoint due to my fatigue, given my own very active upbringing. Growing up in nature, exploring and learning within it is one of the most blissful parts of my entire life. I couldn't personally stand to not provide my child(ren) with that as an option that's at least available to them.

Third, my mental disabilities are only manageable because I am able to live daily life on my specific terms that separate me from general society. My routines and needs are strict, and also pivotal for me to be able to function just sometimes here and there. No matter how many fancy words I might vomit, none of them could ever begin to convey the delicate balance between a good day and one where my whole sense of self is all but gone.

This constant balancing of emotional and physical needs is like work in and of itself, and I only manage as well as I do now because there are no outside forces left to drain me.

All of these things were, in a sense, collectively decided for me. To say that me having a child would be a life sentence would not be an exaggeration. I do not even have pets for this reason.

I cannot unhave a child. Not in the way I can sell an object, or arrange an agreement with a significant other.

I also saw what raising a child while struggling my limitations did to my parents, and I would never wish to inflict anything even remotely similar to another child if I can at all help it. I came into this world learning that they were simply not equipped for what parenthood entails in our society, and then accepted that I wouldn't be either.

I do not want to have children. This is one of the simpler facts of my life.

But I mourn that it was never my choice to make to begin with.

I mourn not being given the chance to decide such a thing for myself, to decide what I'm capable of and willing to do. I mourn that I won't get to pass on the stories and teachings my well-meaning parents did. I mourn that my family line will die with me, not because of matters of blood, but because there are just so many things I would have loved to share. To see through the eyes of someone I love and chose to take on the role to help grow and support. To be able to provide the things I needed while growing up.

So much knowledge of my home and its history is likely to die with me. I would have loved to share it with someone, so that even should they choose to walk a different path in life, would at least have been granted that point from which their road started. Something that might hopefully have made their life richer.

I mourn that I will never get to even consider these things as an option. I mourn that I cannot confidently say for sure that I've chosen to be childfree.

It's for the best that I do not have children, no matter how you look at it. And that fact hurts me, perhaps more deeply than it should.

[thesinglesjukebox]

TWST - "OFF-WORLD"

Our own Hannah begins the D&B t.A.T.u revival...

[7.25]

Hannah Jocelyn: This gem was produced by Mike Spencer, whose maximalist EDM work graced Rudimental and Ellie Goulding's best music in the early 2010s. "Off-World", which TWST wrote with Lauren Aquilina and Marcus Anderson, brings that sound back to life with headier lyrics. The vocal sound is SO bright it's almost fatiguing, but that adds to the song's urgency; Chloe Davis will break through time, space, and the capabilities of de-essers to be their true self. Aquilina's previous song "Empathy" was about the perils of lacking emotional boundaries, but here, dissolving boundaries is a path to romantic transcendence: "Wanna float, wanna fly, wanna try to ascend this skin/Wanna feel what you feel, but I can't feel anything." I have a whole playlist of songs that attempt to verbalize that need for all-consuming intimacy, and in those songs it often ends up toxic. Davis is aware of this, which is why "I wanna give you it all" comes with the necessary caveat "...without giving myself away." Still, the most prominent queer art of the last quarter-century depicts this ache for a reason, whether it's Genesis P-Orridge and Lady Jaye using their bodies as performance art, Neo and Trinity becoming The One in Matrix Resurrections, or everything involving Steven Universe. As "Off-World" careens into its drops, TWST approximates what that bliss must feel like. [9]

Aaron Bergstrom: A warm-hearted, techno-utopian update on "All The Things She Said," which unfortunately means it isn't quite as good. [6]

Katherine St Asaph: "All the Things She Said" deconstructed into its three elements. One: The hook -- well, one of them. Two: Ethereal yearning, and the desire to escape into the fantasy worlds and heightened emotional reality found in saturated pastorals, cities at night, dark chromed spaceships, or whatever other AMV aesthetic you personally want to get isekai'd into. Three: The frantic, obsessive pace of that yearning, which takes physical form here as a drum-and-bass break (probably the next sound to bubble back up to mainstream offline pop). [8]

Jacob Sujin Kuppermann: The Expanse AMV-type beat [8]

Jackie Powell: It's been awfully hard to figure out why "Off-World" sounds so familiar. Is it similar to a video game theme? Or is this more like the theme to the French animated series Code Lyoko that ran on Cartoon Network for a few years in the 2000s? Sonically, not exactly. But what links them all is how they fit together as science fiction, with world-hopping. TWST explained that "Off-World'' is about "a cyborg girl who descends upon Earth, yearning to break free" who finds liberation in another place. TWST is best in the pre-chorus; the yearning and the struggle are there. But I question the potency of the chorus. Where is that conflict? Where's the payoff? It seems a little monotonous compared to the rest of this three and a half minute journey. The percussive elements in that hook, however, are exhilarating. Well done, Mike Spencer. [6]

Wayne Weizhen Zhang: An epic about a cyborg girl descending upon earth and trying to find liberation, personal freedom, and authenticity sounds amazing, but it shouldn't take TWST's long statement about the track for me to understand the story. The musical experience of "Off-World" doesn't speak for itself, and despite how pretty it sounds, the track's immense ambitions are let down by the hook's flatness. [5]

Taylor Alatorre: How do I justify not slapping an automatic [10] on what is essentially Springsteenian cyberpunk? In part it's that "Off-World" suffers from its own success. The pre-chorus is substantially more stirring and anthemic than the chorus, which leads to the latter feeling like a deflation of energies, or an artificial limit on the possibilities the song wants to conjure. Songs about escape, whether from the "swamps of Jersey" or from the burdens of meatspace, are more dependent than usual on structure and momentum, on both mapping out a compelling journey and ensuring the destination lives up to expectations. But if "Off-World" falls a bit short in its goal of ferrying us to a frictionless utopia, that cliché about the journey and the destination isn't wrong here. "Meet me at the borderline" -- most of us are there already, but TWST knows how to make it sound like an undiscovered country. [7]

Will Adams: There's a point at which desire transcends the bounds of a standard crush, when the promise of being with someone seems so out of reach it becomes science fiction. They exist in a whole other world, you think. How could I ever meet them there? This is what that feels like: swirling synths that conjure the cosmic chasm separating you from them, but a breakneck d&b pulse that launches you into that open space. "Off-World" embodies the feeling of reaching out your hand, unsure whether your fingertips will ever meet theirs. [9]

Frank Falisi: The pre-chorus is the most sci-fi of all song parts, tipping into the transformation that comes next but unfolding with what came before still rattling in the air. A lot of pop invokes sci-fi imagery, but to treat the parts of a pop song as linguistic elements might suggest actual future-facing strategies of realizing a speculative electronic. In the meantime, comics-brained love-borgs promising the kiss of a world beyond this bad rock is a sweet time fizz. [6]

David Moore: A lovely take on one of my absolute favorite tropes in pop music: escaping the burden of society, and maybe corporeality altogether, in outer space! My personal standard-bearer is t.A.T.u.'s "Cosmos," which is to say I'm missing another dollop of melodrama, and I have minor quibbles with the words tilting more toward metaphor than they need to -- can I get one reference to a spaceship or something? But that's probably just a taste issue. [7]

Kayla Beardslee: Pop music is escapism, and hyperpop is pop music taken to the extreme, so why not interpret hyperpop to mean escapism so extreme that it creates an entirely new world?="margin:> [7]

Alfred Soto: Drum 'n' bass skitters! I run lukewarm on 'em, but when the track has a solid hook and okay lyrics they function like a laugh track in a pretty good sitcom. [6]

Micha Cavaseno: The last couple years have had drum & bass-style breaks wreak their revenge on pop in both the mainstream and the sub-stream (oh my god all the precious kids making "breakcore"), and it's reminded me of the worst aspects of the genre: unimaginative chopping of the same two or three loops. "Off-World" is a delightful whispy yearning little piece of leydrift, and I can't imagine it without that little baby's first junglism flourish. But I wish it had something that would make it feel properly unearthly. Of course, it's just that I don't know what I'd want that makes the sense of an unknown future so tantalizing, and that's what I'd hope this song could've gotten. [6]

Ian Mathers: I know I've heard the drum break that gets used in the chorus many times over the years, but it absolutely works for me every time. The sci-fi stuff only sorta coheres, but I'm a sucker for that too. [8]

Brad Shoup: Look, Mike Spencer did "Feel the Love". He will see heaven. I dunno that the venerable breaks contribute anything to the sci-fi metaphor--maybe they make things cyberpunk--but I still love 'em. Everything that happens between the verses is exquisite: the long bass notes that are practically detonated, TWST's perfectly urgent adult-alternative chorus (I'm hearing... Paula Cole?), and even the title itself. Just a really evocative thing to sigh. [8]

Nortey Dowuona: thank u Chloe Davis. [10]

[Read, comment and vote on The Singles Jukebox ]

[secondguessing-reality]

Manifested Wrong

Written privately some time in December 2022:

What really happened, as of summer 2023:

You’re here. You’re finally here on my side of the country, in my city where you always said you’d be. I’m here with you, not living together yet but I made it, and you did too. We’re dating, we’re together. We speak daily, see each other a few days a week unless we’re busy - which happens to be often but at least we get a few days.

This is cute. You moved in immediately, and not only do we spend time together every single day, we sleep together a few nights a week. We speak all the damn time! <3

Sometimes you come over just to watch me with housework while I sip wine and have music playing in the background. These nights we spend together end in us tangled up together. Sharing details about our day as you help me put away dishes and place a kiss on my neck.

Oh, my beloved. Things turned out so much better than I imagined. I come home from work and everything I have piled on my to-do list is done already, thanks to you. When we spend the evenings together there's nothing to be done EXCEPT become wrapped up in each other. When we're home, we get so absorbed in our love that we don't even have time to get through videos and craft projects like we said we would. We're just too into each other that anything else seems almost like a distraction from our endless conversations.

On the weekends we hang out with our friends, with my sister and her family, my fiancé, or just with each other. We go places, do activities, find new places to try, all the fun things we said we’d do together. We have dinner at the fancy restaurants I like, and we find new cafes constantly. I take you to Rise or Asa's and you brag that nothing is better than NY bagels. It makes both of us laugh.

We definitely spend more time with each other than with anyone else. I'm happy to report that everything else is true, except I haven't taken you to a bagel shop here, yet. Soon!

I show you all my favorite spots in the suburbs that I call my home, a place that always felt solid and familiar. Sometimes we go out to Milwaukee to visit my family, spend time with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. I’m not afraid of introducing you, especially to my mother's side. Seeing us in the dynamic doesn’t worry me as I thought it once would.

I've shown you many places that hold meaning to me. I feel lucky I've gotten to see similar places to you. The family that has met you has loved you.

Sometimes we go out East to visit your family, your friends. Sometimes it’s for cons, sometimes it's just back to the Island for little weekends, occasionally it's for the City. We watch sunsets, we walk by the beach, I make an excuse to touch seawater every single time I get near it, you tell me about historically significant buildings and landmarks we pass, we share street food, I point out wildlife. You take my hand as we walk through the villages telling me this is the best love you’ve ever had. 

We've been back twice so far. This prediction was surprisingly accurate! Look at it! Everything came true. Well, take me back to the city for another day of adventures.

We share our traditions, or culture, stories from our upbringing and what its like to be raised by parents raised by immigrants. Things I thought most people wouldn’t understand but you do. The good, the bad, the ugly, the dirty, and the beautiful parts.

In the nights we stay up talking, joking, having sex, watching Netflix, laying next to each other in blissful comfort. We trust each other. I never thought it was possible to trust someone this much, I thought it was a myth, that it was something I only read or see on TV but you make it real. The closeness, the vulnerability. I overcame aversions because I want to be with you more than I’m afraid of being vulnerable. We learned from each other. The lessons we knew we needed to learn. You helped me to rely on others, to be open with others, to ask for help and let people help me. With my fierce love and adoration, I hope I'm helping you learn how to see the greatness within yourself. We’ve grown with each other, becoming better, stronger for each other all with the intention to continue to grow with and for each other.

Wow, okay. All true. Plus a plethora of pets. We've been through so much else the last few months, but when you look at it from December's perspective, I had no idea the depth of our bond could take us this far, and almost too easily.

I open up to you in ways I haven’t opened up to people before. And the best part, you don’t look at me like I’m crazy, or that I’m from another planet. Even if you thought as such you never make me feel alien for it. I don’t need validation, and you know that, but you let me find comfort in you without the fear of feeling like I made a mistake.

I let you be the weak one when you need to be. You want to be strong for me because I AM strong for you and for myself, but you know when to put away the façade and take a break. We lay down on the couch, your head on my chest as I play with your hair. Your long, silver, cloud-soft hair that I love so much. You talk as if no one is listening, opening up about things you keep buried deep. I respect your boundaries and you respect mine but we ask each other questions and tell each other our concerns without having any worry.

And when we look at each other and into each others eyes, we know it, better than we’ve ever known. We’re in love, and we always will be.

This is what I imagined for us. Prayed for. Beseeched the old Gods to grant for us. And it's true, except...

It's so, so much better than I dreamed.

[sys128]

Senioritis, Productivity with Music, and Ignorance is Bliss

I have been warned of something that is inevitable to form in some student as they enter their last year of high school. I had a teacher call it “senioritis.” (Looking it up, it does seem to be a common term to describe it.) This is characterized by the lack of motivation to do school work once they are nearing the end of high school. From looking this up, they say it extends to college, and even post-graduates! So, us teens are not alone in these situations. I think I am starting to feel a little bit of this myself. At this point, I have already been accepted into college and only have one class to pass, which even then gives easy points, and then I can just move on from high school. Though, there is a rising worry about how my grades will end up being affected if I do start slacking off more than I should.

I believe that taking breaks from work can be a great thing, just so long as it is done in moderation. The problem for me is that once I am on a break, it never seems to end. That, I have found, is probably the worst thing about my productivity: my proneness to extended breaks. When it comes to senioritis, that makes me more of a vulnerable person to target. The only way to defend myself that’s been tried and worked is putting on music.

Music works like magic! If I got stuff playing the background, then I get a lot more done that I could before. There is a strange part to it though, but I think I got that figured out too. What I have noticed is that I get less distracted with certain types of music. I have found a couple of aspects that increase my productivity when I have it playing.

The music has to have little to no vocals. Period. I say little because it can just be short samples like “Hoo!” and “Yeah!” That’s fine, but if there is enough to form a necessary lyrics sheet about it, that is when I call it.

The theme of the mix the music is a part of has to fit in at least decently with the rest of the mix. Some genres are able to do this quite well while others do not. I have found that things like pop are horrible at this, especially because many of the prominent artists have their own singing styles (which also means lyrics. Aaah!!!!!), and sometimes their own ways of making beats. I think it’s mostly their singing though. Since they are extremely popular, you would be BOUND to recognize at least one voice.

I must not recognize who wrote the song, how long it is, or its composition. At all. Despite my attempts to minimize my memory of it, I still did manage to commit some of the songs I have heard to memory, and end up picking out the samples that they used the next time I listened to it. This doesn’t create much distraction, but to have this minimized would be a good practice for me.

For some bonus points, the music also may not be attached to any specific person that was directly involved in the creation of the content or similar content. If you REALLY wanna be hardcore about, you could attempt to remove the idea that people even made that content to begin with, like leaving the content on its own, as if it just materialized one day. I have found that this keeps the magic in things that I enjoy. This stems from what we call “childhood magic,” where mystery seemed to make things more fun and enjoyable. I think this was because ignorance was bliss. This was also probably the reason why childhood was simpler than adulthood is now, but that is beside the point.

This one is also more of a personal preference, but I also want some integral part of the song itself to bring a sense of calmness or peace. Ambience is VERY good, PERFECT even, at bringing this experience. It is able to paint a therapeutic atmosphere for me. Sometimes I will be somewhere in space or in the middle of the ocean. And depending on what else happens in there, someone might be coming out of the water and start spinning around. You know, kind of psychedelic shit. However, that is just listening to the music on its own. I have to do some work here. I have to be engaged in what I am doing.

A lot of these would likely be done consciously at first, but I think it would be best to do these practices for some of the things you enjoy subconsciously. Being aware of the absence of involvement in that thing’s community may bring feelings of isolation. With practice though, it will turn out fine.

Is there a genre of music that I have shown success in by increasing productivity and keeping that sort of “magic” or “mystery” that came from it? Turns out, yes I have! I have successfully done this with Ambient Drum and Bass and sometimes Intelligent Dance Music (especially by Aphex Twin), but more the Ambient Drum and Bass. I like how the music itself is very unchanging and samey. While this is a disadvantage for many listeners, this is actually GREAT for me! It just creates less distractions while I work if it feels like a song is two hours long, but in reality is actually 20 songs. As far as ignorance goes, the only pseudonym that I know from that genre right now is “4AM Breaks” because that is where I get most of the music from, but I plan to try to keep it that way. This is not because I wish to attack any of the artists behind the music… well, whoever they are. In fact, I think they are quite talented. All of them! I just believe that not knowing who made them is just a part of me enjoying the genre.

On the topic of ignoring things leading to happiness, I have also applied a little bit of this to nostalgic aesthetics. I watched a video a while back about an aesthetic in packaging that I seemed to like whenever I was browsing Walmart, especially with cleaning products. They seemed to take me back to when I was in my old town, also exploring Walmart. It also did a nice job at taking me back to my old apartment from before I moved towns. Turns out this aesthetic was called Frutiger Aero/Metro. The only names I can attach to the aesthetic is one, drmr being the guy behind the Wii’s Homebrew theme, and two + three, two friends that just so happen to also like the aesthetic a lot. Just so long as I am not involved in any of the drama that comes from aesthetics, I think the same magic can be felt from when I first experienced it. An interesting side effect that I found is that most people’s views on music that fit the aesthetic are different from mine. There is a wiki page, (below) that lists a lot of music that their community has felt that fit the aesthetic well. I did not agree with a lot of the picks. I find that Trance / Dance music of the time would fit more with the aesthetic, but that’s fine. We all don’t have to experience aesthetics the same way. Fascinatingly, I have also attached the Ambient Drum and Bass thing to it too, which only makes my idea more independent.

So where was I at the beginning of this ramble? … Oh right, senioritis. I guess my initial point is that if I get myself to do it, I can easily rely on Ambient Drum and Bass to get what I need done! I found that this method has worked when working on YouTube stuff before, so I do hope this also works with this stuff.