#sneak at my next installment in the loving kdj series (spoilers its han&kim yay!!)

[mhaynoot]

“Han Sooyoung, thank you for everything,” he says, smiling.

It’s a smile that wrinkles his eyes into little crescents and spreads across his face fully.

And it's a smile she had wanted to see for the longest of time. Like desperation, like salvation, it had haunted her memories for years. Now though when it's finally at last right here in front of her, she can't seem to keep her eyes focused on it, flickering back and forth between his grin and the hospital room. It's like staring into the sun with bare eyes. The sight of it twists her chest up too much. A feeling akin to twining her lungs into tiny ugly knots.

She says, "What are you thanking me for, idiot?"

He laughs, of course, and the quiet laughter only stops when he starts wheezing and hiccoughing instead. She snaps her eyes to him instantly. Oh. Raindrops sliding down his face. Fuck. A familiar panic rises up in her as she scrambles for napkins before she remembers the stupid handkerchief Yoo Sangah gave her. She tugs it out of her pocket and hands it to him. The blue floral print soaks up as he cries silently into them. He keeps smiling even as tears slip down his face. “I really love the story you wrote.”

What an idiot, she thinks, chest shaking too much to properly speak out loud. Couldn’t even pick just one emotion.

For a while she stares back at him, mouth unworking as she tries to breathe. Her lungs shudder and chest continues to shake. Rattling her stupid heart.

She thinks again: What an idiot.

It comforts her.

“I really-” she says and bites her lips fiercely. Takes a shuddering long awaited breath. Finally, “I really wanted to see you again, bastard.”

“Yeah, me too,” he says, voice finally wavering.

Vividly, she remembers another memory just like this one. It unfolds like passages. The lines of their dialogue and brief imagery of snow and that same stupid face crying as the Han Sooyoung in her script shoves a lollipop into an idiot reader's mouth.

“You did a good job,” she says now and watches as the words enter his ears. She knows exactly when it does because it feels like a sledgehammer to her chest when he starts crying even more. Idiot. “You did a good job. You did the best you could. But you- Fuck.” Roughly, she scrubs her hand through her hair. “You and your stupid fucking pride, why did was it always you who took on all the burdens in the world. Always, always- just what the fuck did this world ever do for you that you had to take it all in? Fuck the world, fuck the conclusion- fuck!” She throws her hands forward, shoving away from the bed and getting up from her chair. She grasps onto his hospital gown instead, staring into his wide teary eyes. “It never mattered to me as long as you were there, okay? That conclusion to the story you always went on and on about, that you so fucking desperately wanted to see even when you threw your life away again and again and again, for me- for everyone, it was you! All of you!” She's screaming at the end, she hates it. The anger that boils up her insides. Yoo Sangah probably didn't raise her at him like this. She didn't want to either. This was supposed to be their happy reunion. Fuck. She screws her eyes shut, trying desperately to stop the hot scald from spilling uselessly against the tight press of her eyelids. She can feel her throat throb. “This happy ending didn’t matter if you weren’t there, too.”

For a long time only silence followed her outburst. Her insides squirm and her chest heaves with the impact crater left behind. It feels even worse than the scenarios.

She's about to step away. 'Forget it' and 'we'll talk next time' is just on her tongue when he opens his mouth.

Releasing a deep breath, he tells her, “For a long time, I didn't think I could want to be happy. Without you, I definitely never would have been able to get this far. Because I really needed your story to live. Even when the entire world had to be ruined for it. Even when it drove everyone I loved into misery.”

So, so fucking frustrating.

"Bastard who never learns." She shakes him, anger reignited easily like black flames and dragon fire, and cries out, “It was never your fault!”

“I know, Sooyoung-ah,” he says, quietly in that voice of his, the one that was like his smile. “Because it was never your fault either.”

“What.” She pulls back like whiplash, hands untangling from his hospital gown and revealing the harsh wrinkles she’s left on them. “I- No, this isn’t- This isn’t about me here, you bastard.”

Gently, he holds her hands and looks down as his covers the entirety of hers. He says, “When I was fifteen and you were thirteen and we were in another hospital, you held my hand exactly like this, didn’t you?”

He slots their fingers together. Her chests twinges. They’re bigger and longer than hers now but fingers like branches and wrists like twigs. All bony and sharp like worn out blades. They had once been smaller than hers.

Didn't I write recipes and instructions in that shitty novel, how are you still all skin and bones? The words die in her throat.

He continues, “The world we lived in was already ruined, for both of us. Day to day, I lived because I wanted to see the next chapter, to see the next update. But even after it ended, I think I still would have survived somehow. At least, I could always reread it. I think you would have, too.” He smiles softly, eyes glimmering like when he's thinking about a story he loves. “For thirteen years, we both needed Yoo Joonghyuk’s story to survive. The story you wrote and I read and dreamed about emerged into reality. And then, the scenarios started and we had to survive that too. A lot of horrible, painful things happened. But, a lot of happy things happened too. Because, I found out I was so very happy to be alive. That there are people who love me and who I love as well. And I don't think that could be a tragedy. So, if it wasn’t my fault this story was born then it also wasn’t your fault."

Her heart is crying. She leans her head down and presses her forehead to their clasped hands. Her one reader who surely survived. "Oh."

“Sooyoung, thank you for writing my story.”