#snarkformortals

[mynameismarines]

I read Handbook for Mortals

I had the truly, unironically #blessed opportunity to see the original Twitter investigation of Handbook for Mortals when it first appeared on the NYT Bestseller list. For a moment, Book Twitter came together, like the repressed Veronica Marses they are, and detected the shit out of the book no one had heard of that pushed (the amazing, worth the hype) The Hate U Give from its number one spot.

Since then, the case has only gotten stranger, partly because the author, Lani Sarem, seems to be completely unapologetic about what she’s done.

I have to admit that I was curious about the book from moment one. Snarking bad books is kind of a thing for me. Thus started the war within between ignoring her and hoping it would all go away and dragging the book because it had to be shit, right?

Right, well, here we are.

The first page starts with ms whoever saying she's NEVER had a "normal" day before. NEVER. Maybe brief normal moments. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines) September 16, 2017

I imagine those brief normal moments in her day are bathroom breaks? #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/vETrTwRWPI

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

oh, honey, have I got some news for you#snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/9GiHeG93ER

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

I'll never forget this one particular, super important day-- BUT FIRST, LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE COLORS I DYE MY HAIR LOL. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Bitch, we've all had windy days. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Levi's jeans "ripped in all the right places": a guide by me#snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/oweamXam2N

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Yes, she's really taking time to describe her outfit, and it includes jeans "ripped in all the right places." #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

She RARELY thinks about how she wants a photographer around to capture how awesome she looks. RARELY. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/oMWb4IJqfz

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

"Even when she was in a hurry, she never looked like she was rushing or running, but instead floating gingerly." #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/Wfyh5aiXYL

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Anyone have guesses about how she'll describe herself? Does she know she's beautiful? Is that what makes her beautiful? #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

People say she's beautiful but... but... she doesn't have a thigh-gap! #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

The dialogue is awful. They keep glaring at each other. Her mom keeps asking questions that aren't really questions. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

"I edged myself closer and directed my words so closely she could feel my breath on her face." Awful. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/EoXCCJYVfU

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Also, Zade and her mother have both ground their teeth during this argument? What is happening? #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/wXmMzKXmNr

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Please, for a good time, try replicating this at home. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/sStONUjBqI

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

SHE PUTS THE LYRICS IN THE BOOK. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

I HAVE COME ALL THIS WAY FOR YOU, TACKY CARPET. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

You guys just have to read this for yourselves. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/hbPzbQvXwG

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

If I hadn't been so nervous, I would've paid more attention to him! Here's 5 more lines of me paying attention to him lol. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

"I ONCE READ AN ARTICLE THAT SAID YOU CAN TELL SOMEONE'S PERSONALITY BY HOW THEY WALK AND CARRY THEMSELVES." #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

You: He was confident. Zade, an intellectual: I once read an article about walking and now I notice that kind of thing. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

The magician's name is Charles Spellman. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

She mentions describing him as someone might describe Ford and then goes on and on about black clothes and cufflinks. WHAT. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Says the girl that randomly wishes a photographer were around to capture her beauty in the wind. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/yqUaCBWW0f

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Wow the beautiful woman is being bitchy what a plot twist, who saw this coming. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/4tA20P15ae

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Hey little buddy comma. Whatcha doing there? #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/Kmwl7ZRMJk

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

NOT SWOLLEN AFTER A BEE STING LOOKING, GOT IT. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

This happened a lot in Grey by EL James and we just assumed all the italics were thoughts from Grey's dick. 💁🏽#snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

CASUALLY, 11 pages into chapter 1, still no nearer to her actual audition. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/MBmvupuS6q

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

All of these professional magic show people are trying to figure out how she did her trick and she's like RUH-ROH!. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Not eavesdropping. Everyone is just standing around her, talking about her so she can hear. Because first person is hard. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

"Calm, collected, sweet, kind, and confident cascaded out of his being." *flips ahead to see if any editor is thanked* #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

"Even so, Riley's energy was youthful and energetic." HIS ENERGY WAS ENERGETIC YOU GUYS I CANNOT. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 16, 2017

Dear sweet mercy, I made it out of chapter one. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 17, 2017

Zade has already met and spoken with Beth, hence why she's waiting for her. That's not how first impressions work, girl. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/RA2wbuMu1z

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Ever hear that if you have to explain the joke, it's not funny? #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/WW5DX3WtnZ

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

I knew that sharing that quote with you all you would take as a joke. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

"I stood up slowly and calculated." #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/cJpAQblUPF

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

She's still 3 inches shorter? She still... has to look up...? #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/Je3sgNpOgC

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Sucks to be you average bitches. Zade is TALL which means she can look the menses in the eye. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

"I half smiled and slowly spoke..." DID ANYONE READ THIS BEFORE IT WAS PUBLISHED? #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

You know an argument is getting heated when a bad author whips out all the animal noises. Growling snarling hissing! Oh my!

#snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Zade describes Charles as someone who doesn't have compromise in his vocabulary. DID ANYONE READ THIS??? #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

He demands to know how she does her magic trick hiss growl snarl. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Charles, the magician Harrison Ford, steps in and says that Zade will tell only him her magical secrets. The end. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

It's like listening to my 5 year old niece tell a story, honestly. Check the repetition and errors. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/st37NDgjNG

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

This is CHAPTER 2. We sill don't know WTF is going on, but we do know about her HALLOWEEN COSTUME PREFERENCES. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/Dy38mjzHPH

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

If you are playing Terrible MC Bingo at home, Zade is currently ignoring everything another female character is saying! #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

You guys. There's just been an abrupt change in perspective, indicated by this large and in charge symbol? #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/K3RomEos4D

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Look at her describe how Mac makes a fist to knock on the door. SHE DESCRIBES HIS FIST-MAKING ACTION. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Remember when Zade was all, "I guess I'm okay looking but I'm not skinny wah." Clarification: her waist is SMALL. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

This character is going to be played by the author in a movie. She's an author stand in. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Awww yeah, time for another round of Please I Beg You Try This At Home:#snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/4M1nFzX2Pp

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Mac spies on her while she's naked but he's not happy about it, okay? She's the ENEMY. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Zade literally runs into another hot guy named Jackson so I guess we have a love triangle now? #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

It's really more than just bad writing. She's so repetitive that I have to assume than she thinks we are all stupid. #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/7BaH1xqyCh

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

I have no proof, but that's what I think 'cause I've learned enough in the past to kinda prove it.#snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Round 3 of please try this at home, scrunching twitching edition: #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/pIuw6wPCqP

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

"Each step was precise." All this time, I've been walking imprecisely. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

"I have long legs, but his are longer..." YEAH, WE REMEMBER ZADE. YOU ARE ALMOST AS TALL AS THE MENS. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Mac is back. Quiz time! What is Mac doing? a. singing beautifully b. whispering c. speaking normally d. snarling#snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Zade says two people are arguing and she doesn't stop to listen. Then goes on to tell us everything they are saying. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

That was her explaining why she was comforting someone who just drowned, by the way. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

SHE'S PLAYING A SONG THAT PERFECTLY MATCHES MAC AND THE LYRICS ARE PRINTED AGAIN. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

tiny tiny tiny tiniest#snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/DynWHBxjYZ

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

quoted at the beginning + now in chapter 4. #homage #inspo #deep #snarkformortals pic.twitter.com/pBNpnLbVD9

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

THIS IS MY FAVORITE THING THAT'S HAPPENED. #snarkformortals https://t.co/Lj3gd070rn

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

Her name is Scheherazade and she goes by Zade with a long a? I'm offended on so many levels. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

MAC'S REAL NAME IS CLARK KENT. You guys should see me DYING over here. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 18, 2017

She defines premonition and says how fuzzy it is like 17 times but I'll spare you. It's a vision and again-- it's fuzzy. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 19, 2017

Up on a platform, Sofia the beautiful bitch is refusing to wear her safety harness because of ~*reasons*~ #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 19, 2017

She pushes her with enough force that she misses the stage below and lands in the pool next to the stage? #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 19, 2017

Then everyone else stands around talking about the malfunction while Zade performs CPR on Sofia? No one is fussed. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 19, 2017

By the way, Zade used to spend her summers working as a lifeguard. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 19, 2017

Mac finds her outside and suddenly, they like each other and bond over Aimee Mann and motorcycles. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 19, 2017

What a gal. #snarkformortals

— Marines (@mynameismarines)

September 19, 2017

For the full thread, check out #snarkformortals on Twitter.