#snafs text

[sandgraab]

more durge content in patch 7 larian please please please please please change the way companions respond to durge redemption please please please larian if I have to hear spawn!astarion say the word “twee” in response to it again I’m going to burn down my house with me inside .

[crushedcookiebutter]

I opened tumblr today expecting something strange. You know, like you always do. That's kind of Tumblr's thing.

Still, I was kind of hoping for a little bit of an active theme. It was, after all, the Celebrate Bisexuality day, and despite me not being confirmed bisexual, I felt (and still feel) an affinity for the bisexual population, due to their day of celebration falling on my birthday. As such, I was hoping to see some bisexual love on the hellsite today. Maybe we'd get some "Happy Dogs in Politics Day!" posts that I could reblog and continue past.

What I saw, I consider unforgivable. Instead of bi love posts, I came across a wall of sneef snorfs, taunting me with their longish noses and New Yorker speech. Scandalized, I scrolled down, hoping for some solace, only to face an even higher density of sneef snorfs, snorfing their way across my dashboard.

Unbelievable. There was nothing I could do but watch as the sneef snorfs sniffed and snaffed their snoses and scuttled in their little GIF cages. I was incensed, but ultimately powerless to the combined might of the sneef snorfs' assault.

I wrote this message as a warning to anyone who dares to finish reading this obnoxious wall of text: may none of you ever forget the tragedy that befell this site of September 23rd.

[leliwardens]

completely forgot about rot13 i'll be using this when i post text-based da4 spoilers :)

my thinky thoughts about the newest trailer and as said it will have spoilers so translate at your own risk:

v ernyyl ERNYYL ubcr jr trg gb frr jrvffunhcg orsber fuvg tbrf qbja naq vg shpxvat SNYYF rfc gur ubs'f gbzo (+ bguref) op v jnag fbzr ybir tvira gb gur bevtva ebznaprf. naq vg'f irel jvfgshy guvaxvat ohg v jbhyq ybir gb xabj gurve ernpgvba jura vg qbrf tb gb fuvg op gung'f jurer gur ubs'f erznvaf ner ):

nffna vf gur orfg naq v'z unccl qnieva trgf gb urnqyvar cebzbgvbany pbagrag, yvxryl op ur'f gur jneqra ohg fgvyy

vx ccy jvyy or cerffrq nobhg fcbvyref ohg v'ir arire tvira n shpx naq v rkcrpg vg'f gelvat gb nccrny gb arj snaf naq uvqr ovttre fuvg, ohg rvgure jnl

pbzong ybbxf synful naq sha rira gub v arire eyl pner sbe vg va qn tnzrf

naq gurer vf bar (1) gurl/gurz acp v'z fher gurl'er nyy tbvat gb or ernyyl abezny nobhg!!!

v qvqa'g ernyyl jnag gb qb fb ohg v guvax v'z tbaan fgneg oybpxvat fbynfznapref op vx gurl'er tbaan or rira zber vafhssrenoyr abj. :/

it overall has further hyped me up for the game and i'm very excited to see more and eventually play it :)

[izzy-b-hands]

freebooter4ever replied to your post: Loyalty

THIS IS SO SWEET! Burgie is a saint lol

Thank you!!! And aklfsd;dsfj god he is tho. Burgie is the ultimate ally, best friend, and saint to them. Eventually I’m gonna write a fic where they gift him like...a couples spa day for him and Florence or something, where they promise to hold onto their phones for them for the duration, calling the spa only if a major emergency occurs. Otherwise, the power couple is unreachable and relaxing and does not have to worry abt counseling or assisting anyone, even family or found family in the form of their friends lol. They do a good job, but everybody needs a break sometimes. 

[freebooter4ever]

Ahahahahaha there IS a rami under the hat! anyway shitty quick sledgefu fic under the cut bc that was some brilliant inspiration right there - no beta or re-reads so this is rough lol. It's RIDICULOUS IMSOSORRY

Being a hipster in Orange County is exhausting. It's so hard to find good quality antique furniture these days. There's plenty of options, you can't cross town without coming across another vintage shop. And yet Eugene goes through three different shops with no luck. Here in sunny California, the odds of finding antiques are good, but the goods are odd.

Obviously a tried and true technique to weed out the good stuff is to observe fellow antiquing hipsters around you. And Gene's been watching the smartly dressed man at the end of the aisle for almost ten minutes. This man looks pretentious as hell, but he seems to know what he's doing. Unlike Gene, who couldn't tell an authentic colonial from a cheap pottery barn knockoff. Does Pottery Barn even make colonials? What is a colonial anyway? He thinks his mother brought it up in conversation once. Antiques are about the only safe discussion topic nowadays.

Anyway this smartly dressed man is examining something at the end of the row of shelves intensely. Eugene can't see what the guy is looking at, but it drives his curiosity insane. The guy even climbs onto a ladder so he can get a view of the object from above.

Eugene skirts his way around another row of shelves and casually steps closer and closer - coming at it so it appears unintentional.

Of course, the hipster guy on the ladder sees right through Gene. He turns his head arrogantly down towards Eugene and cocks it. Somehow, despite the odd angle, the guy's Madeline style hat stays on as if it's glued to his head.

"I gotta see it from all angles," the man announces, as if this were the answer to a question Eugene desperately needed answering.

"Huh," Eugene says.

The man smiles. It grows on his face like the Cheshire cat. And Eugene is fairly certain under the sunglasses his eyes are shrewd.

"Snaf get down from the ladder, the last thing we need is to be banned from another antique shop," a second man comes up to them carrying an old pair of boots. He glances at Gene and nods, "Hey. I'm Burgie...that man up there is Snafu."

Snafu slithers down from the ladder and lightly lands across from Eugene in the aisle.

"Nice to meet you," Eugene holds his hand out, "Eugene Sledge."

Burgie shakes his hand, "Pleasure." He then turns to Snafu and kicks the boots at his shoulder, "C'mon, I found what I needed, let's head out."

"Wait a sec, I haven't decided if I want this mod shelf for my records or not," Snafu gestures to the thing he'd been amiring.

"Okay," Burgie sighs, "But don't take too long, Im checking out." He takes his vintage boots and goes.

Eugene turns to get a good look at the thing Snafu was considering. And suddenly the heavens open up, god rays come down, light shines like a halo,and Eugene swears he hears a choir. This is it. This is the end piece he was looking for. This is exactly the kind of thing he needs for the "TV" nook in his apartment that will never hold a TV (he has a 24 inch laptop and like ALL the streaming services but he is SO above having a TV like some rich bourgeoisie).

"It's perfect, isn't it," Snafu says, noticing Eugene's sudden awe.

Shit. He noticed. That means Snafu's going to take it. Number one rule of climbing the hipster ladder: if someone else finds value in something you better get it first.

"I'm not sure, I think my mom has almost the exact same shelf system back home," Eugene shrugs, "She got it from, like, Ikea ten years ago or something. It was a whole thing. Super popular...'retro'...you know how it goes."

"Yeah," Snafu says. He sounds like he might eat Eugene up.

Eugene clears his throat awkwardly.

Snafu throws his head back and switches into appraiser mode, "You're wrong though. You can tell this is authentic by the wood paneling, and the 60s era joints, and this cantilevered bit right here."

Eugene's never wanted someone so much so suddenly right there.

"It'd be perfect for my record collection... It'll even look good from my lofted bed..." Snafu continues.

"I want it," Eugene states quickly and firmly.

Snafu's eyebrows raise at Eugene's audacity. "Well..." Snafu says. He slowly lifts his Janis Joplin sunglasses and eyes Eugene, "I was going to take the shelf but..." he grins "... I'll take you instead."

"What?" Eugene asks incredulously.

"Go on a date with me and I'll give it to you," Snafu demands, "Hell, I'll even buy it for you."

"I..." Eugene stutters. He can feel a blush already forming on his cheeks.

"Better say yes before I change my mind..." Snafu warns in an obnoxiously self-assured tone of voice.

"Yes!" Eugene blurts without hesitance.

The grin Snafu gives him outshines the glory halo from earlier.

Eugene blushes down to his toes. Maybe he should have...played it more casual or acted disinterested. He's not actually very good at this hipster thing.

On the other hand, he does end up getting a free shelf out of the deal. The only thing Snafu makes him do is give Snafu his number, carry the shelf out to his own car, and give Snafu a ride home.

"Burgie texted me, said he's already moved on to the next shop, but don't worry our apartment's real close by," Snafu explains.

"This shelf is insanely heavy," Eugene grumbles under the weight. He's questioning his purchase decisions.

"That's how you know it's real wood," Snafu scolds him.

"Can't you at least take a corner? Lighten the load a tiny bit?" Eugene asks.

"Naw," Snafu sits on the hood of Eugene's 1946 Chevy and smiles, "I like to watch the posers sweat."

Eugene rolls his eyes, "I'm getting an authentic 1960's shelf, and you're getting a date with a fake hipster. I think you got the raw end of the deal here."

"No way," Snafu assures him. He hops off the car and finally helps by opening the door and guiding the shelf onto the back seat, "I see this as an investment."

"An investment?" Eugene echoes.

"Yeah," Snafu says. He bumps the car door shut with his hip and gets into Eugene's space, swaggering a little, "The way I see it... In two... No.. One month... I'll have joint custody over this shelf. It'll be as good as mine. I just gotta wait patiently."

"You mean... You think..." Eugene stammer, ".... You think I will..."

Snafu's smirk widens and he leans in closer, and closer, as if he's gonna lay a kiss on Gene right then and there.

But he's interrupted by Burgie come running out the door, "Hey! Shelton, what the hell you charged that shelf to my account!"

"C'mon, time to go!" Snafu tells Eugene excitedly. He opens the driver door, grabs Eugene's elbow and manhandles him in. Snafu then vaults the car's hood and hops in through the open passenger window. "Drive!"

"Snafu, I'm never giving you any of Florence's homemade pop tarts ever again!" Burgie yells as Eugene's car peels away.

[panevanbuckley]

These group chats are *everything*! I'm a Sledgefu menace, could you indulge me with something about one of the boys (your choice) going out for pizza with Sledge and Snaf. And he sends a barrage of 911 Emergency texts to the group for someone to come pick him up because Gene and Snaf are just making out shamelessly on the other side of the booth and it's about to get handsy under the table, SEND HELP!

Ahh thank you so much!! I'm so glad you like them 💜 this was an amazing idea and I honestly can picture it happening 🤣

designated mom friend, Lew, to the rescue!

(tag list: @alienoresimagines @blenalela @larrybitsandbobs @scarecrowmax @rami-malek-trash @baby-babeyy @murphyismybae @ramimedley let me know if you want to be added 💕)

[hoosierbi]

snaf the type to text burgie "do i annoy u? be honest" at 3am then act like hes completely mentally stable when burgie asks him if hes okay the next day

[cajunroe]

sledgefu + celebrating holidays together 
↳ though they’ve been together for a few years, gene and snafu haven’t celebrated the holidays together, but this year that all changes. and because they’re spending the holidays away from their families for the first time, gene is determined to make it special. he also has an alternative plan for making it special, but that’s something that gene’s been planning for far longer. and though he’s certain that snafu loves him, his plan coupled with the holidays has him on edge. after all, nothing says it’s the holidays like constant panic and frantic action. and gene has both in spades.

Grating a potato shouldn’t be able to bring some near a panic attack, yet here Gene was. With a potato is one hand and grater in another, hands shaking and heart racing, Gene starts grating. It wasn’t the action or the process that was giving him anxiety, but rather what it meant. What tonight meant. It was the first time he and Snafu were celebrating the holidays together and Gene wanted to do everything he could to make sure it was as memorable as possible. They’d been together for the better part of three years, but this is the first time they’d be together for the holidays and since they celebrate different holidays, Gene had been working around the clock to make sure that his boyfriend didn’t feel left out. So, he’s spent the last week, while Snafu was on a work trip, decorating their house, finishing shopping, and now making their holiday dinner. He smiles and supposes owning a restaurant has its benefits. Still, no matter how much he cooks and creates for his career, no meal has ever been more important than the one he’s preparing now. With the beef brisket is in the oven, carrots roasting along side them, he moves onto Snafu’s three favorite foods: latkes, sufganiyot, and butter cookies. He managed to get Snafu’s mother’s butter cookie recipe and worked on the sufganiyot while the cookies cool. He always loved Snafu’s sweet tooth and his inability to control it. He saved the latkes for last so they’re fresh when Snafu finally makes it home. Tonight had to go perfectly, Gene was counting on it. He sets the formed pancakes to the side while the oil heats up. He takes a deep breath before moving onto the next task, perhaps the most important one: icing for the cookies. The success of the night rested upon the icing for the cookies. His phone buzzes in his pocket. Burgie: Leaving the airport now. Be there in a half-hour. Burgie: Snaf is confused as to why me and Bill picked him up instead of you. Burgie: By confused, I mean sad. Gene texts back in a flurry before the oil can get too hot. You: Good. He won’t suspect a thing then. Thanks for the assist Burg. Burgie: No problem. Tonight’s a big night. Anything we can do to help. At the reminder, he takes a deep breath and starts dropping the latkes in the pan. He’s just finished the last pancake when he hears a car door slam. He kills the heat and rushes toward their front door. Snafu bids his farewell to Burgie and Bill and climbs the front porch stairs, exhaustion from flight and work trip hitting him with full force. He’d be lying if he said that he wasn’t hurt that Gene didn’t pick him up from the airport. This is his first Hanukkah away from his family and though he’s more than happy to spend the holidays with Gene, it’s been hard being away from them. He shakes off the melancholy as he reaches their front door and is surprised when the door swings open abruptly. Gene is in his arms before Snafu can do anything more than breathe. Immediately the warmth of Gene’s body combines with the spice of his cologne and the telltale aroma of fried dough, sugar, and potatoes. “Welcome home.” Gene declares gently before pulling Snafu into a soft kiss. Snafu smiles into the kiss and pulls Gene closer into arms. “I have a surprise for you.” Before Snafu could respond, Gene pulled them both into their home. Snafu set his bag down before he looked up and what he saw made his heart skip a beat and his breath catch in his throat. Their house was fully decorated and smelled just like his mother’s kitchen, just like home. Among the classic Christmas decorations were just as many celebrating Hanukkah. A menorah, complete with a set of candles and a Shamash sat dead center above their fireplace, above their stockings. The Christmas tree was adorned with candy canes and dreidels. Among the classic red and green, blue and white stood out just as much. Snafu took it all in, mesmerized and feeling so much like he was at home. “You did all this?” He asked in awe, voice strained with intense emotion. Gene, who had been holding his breath while his boyfriend took in his work, nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, and the decorations are just the beginning babe.” Gene grabbed Snafu’s hand and pulled him into the large kitchen with excitement. Gene was worried about the decorations, afraid he’d done too much or too little, but he knew his food was where he would really shine. The aroma of the kitchen hit Snafu in full force and as he looked from platter to platter, he felt his eyes tear up. He always felt like Gene was too god for him and this did more than prove his point. While he was gone all week, Gene had managed his restaurant and pulled this off. “…and we’re going to decorate cookies after dinner, but first, can you grab the applesauce out of the fridge?” Snafu only caught the tail end what Gene was saying and again felt he didn’t deserve the man in front of him. He doesn’t move, doesn’t respond until Gene grabs his hands. “Snaf? What’s wrong? Did I do something wrong?” Snafu looks up abruptly, into Gene concerned eyes and laughs softly. “No, Gene. Everything is perfect. I just…can’t believe you did all this just for me…for something you don’t even celebrate.” Snafu cleared his throat, emotion once again choking him up and preventing him from fully saying what he wanted to. His latest work trip and time away from Gene had him missing home and the man he loved more than ever before. Any time away from Gene made Snafu feel incomplete. So while he was away, he stopped at a jewelry store downtown and hoped that when he got home, he’d surprise the man he loved more than anyone and show Gene how much he meant to him. As it stood, Gene had his own surprises and was blowing Snafu’s out of the water. “Snaf, if it’s important to you then it’s important to me. If you celebrate it, I celebrate it. I love you and your life is my life. If you’re happy then I’m happy.” Snafu pulls Gene into a heated kiss, pouring all his love into their connection. “I love you so much, Gene. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here, with you.” Gene smiled against Snafu’s lips. “I hope you’re hungry then. I’ve been cooking all day.” Snafu laughed, “How’s that different than any other day?” Gene threw a towel at his boyfriend. “Because I made all your favorites for the first time and you better lie to me and say they’re better than your mamma’s.” Snafu smiled, “Latkes?” Gene nodded, “Hup. Applesauce is in the fridge.” Snafu looks on the table and sees, “Are those sufganiyot?!” Gene laughed at the excitement as he pulled the brisket out of the oven to plate. “Yes, Snaf, and we’re decorating butter cookies after dinner. Your mamma finally gave me her recipe.” Snafu crowded Gene against the counter, unable to contain himself. No one had ever made him feel so loved and wanted and accepted and cherished and he wanted nothing more than to make Gene feel the exact same way. He hoped his original plan would accomplish that and if it didn’t, he wasn’t sure what he would do. He had a whole speech prepared, planned on wrapping the gift for Gene to open in a few days but he was speaking before his mind could even catch up. “Gene,” he clears his throat and grab’s Gene’s hands, “I was going to wait to do this, but I can’t go another minute without knowing whether or not you want to marry me.” He watches nervously as Gene’s face shifts from shock to warmth to annoyance and finally outrage. Gene slips from his hold and Snafu’s heart drops. He always felt like Gene was too good for him and maybe this was the moment he found out it was true. Then Gene speaks. “This is so typical of you! I spend an entire week decorating the house, shopping and cooking, and planning and talking to your mamma for four hours,” Gene holds up four fingers, “Four hours Snafu! I had the perfect plan. We were gonna eat and then decorate cookies and I was gonna write my proposal on a cookie. A damn cookie! What’s more fitting for your sweet tooth? Not to mention that it’s your favorite sweet. And then you come in and ask me first? The audacity!” Gene’s panting slightly, but he’s been smiling the entire time and Snafu has never been so confused in his life. “So, to answer your stolen question, of course, I wanna marry you. I’ve been ready to marry you since our third date.” It takes several moments for Snafu’s brain to catch up with the last two minutes and the fact that Gene said yes. Once he realizes that Gene’s said yes, he crowds his against the counter, peppering every inch of Gene’s neck and face with kisses. “I swear I’m gonna make you the happiest man in the world, Gene.” Gene stops Snafu’s assault with a warm laugh and pulled him close. “You’ve already done that, Snaf. You do it every day I get to wake up next to you.” Snafu kissed him firmly and poured his love into it as he slipped the ring onto Gene’s finger. Gene pulls away and marvels at the silver band. Gene’s smile widens and he walks around the counter to grab the ring he’d gotten for Snafu. It was an antique silver adorned with two strong intertwining lines. He slides it perfectly onto Snafu’s finger. “Forgive me if I mess this up, but אני אוהב אותך.” The tears that had been threatening the boundaries of his eyes finally fell onto Snafu’s cheeks. He pulls Gene into another kiss, desperate and full of love. “I love you so much, Gene.” Gene smiles, “Prove it by doing the dishes later.” Snafu laughs and kisses his fiancé.

[tamayokny]

Y'all: u and Sledge would be besties Me: well Sidney better watch the fuck out...new best friend in town 😎

[anothers-trash-my-treasure]

What's the best way to get Elliot, Snaf, and/or Josh to punish you?

O shit

the best way to get Elliot to punish you is to try to initiate sexting of some kind. The first time you did it, it was totally on accident, you truly just thought ‘hey it’d be funny to get him riled up at work, I’ll send him a saucy text’ but boy you did not expect this reaction. when he came home from work that day you barely got out a ‘hey El’ before he was bending you over the nearest flat surface to punish you with a firm hand. From then on, anytime your craving some slightly rougher sex, you know what to do. 

(he looks so mad in this gif and I really just want him to take it out on me) the best way to get punished from snaf if to cock off to him. Talk back to him. Sass the ever living shit out of him. Anytime you talk back to him he enters total Dom mode. He gives you warnings. Starting with narrowing his eyes at you, and then a few verbal warnings, you really wanna play this game baby girl?, before he snaps. Some days he’ll spank you, others he’ll edge you. he likes to mix it up but if snaf’s punishing you, it’s gonna be a wild ride. 

hmmmm Josh. The best way to get Josh to punish you is to tease him in public. At a movie night with the crew and putting a hand on his inner thigh before moving to palm him over his jeans. teasing him all night and then pulling away before he gets any real satisfaction from it. But he gets you right back. He punishes you by getting you worked up, he’ll make you cum right then and there and he knows how hard it is for you to keep your noises in but he doesn’t give a shit. The boy is shameless when it comes to getting you off, does not care if they others find out what he’s doing to you under the covers. But he knows how embarrassed you would be. 

[readyourimgaines]

Snafu x Female!Reader: Period Help

@technicallyvirtualmilkshake I did get this request done. I hope that somehow it helps. I know how annoying these damned things are. However, I can also imagine Snafu secretly being a giant cuddle monster. Thank you so much my friend for having requested this! I hope you have a nice rest of your weekend. -Freddie 

“Hello?” Eugene answered his phone.

“Sledge!” Eugene could hear the relieved sigh in his best friend’s voice. “Need yo’r help with somethin’ that migh’ be medical.”

“Alright. What’s up?” Usually, Eugene didn’t get too worried when Snafu called with this sort of introduction. Most of the time, these calls were just basic ‘you have a cold, drink some tea’ sort of issues. 

“I think somethin’s wrong wit’ Y/N.” Snafu sounded more nervous now.

“Well what’s been going on, Snaf?” Eugene was more patient and gentle than he was with most phone calls when it came to Snafu. Snafu was more of a texting person (which worked fine with Sledge and his minor, but slowly worsening, anxiety). While these were light and confused questions for Eugene, they could sometimes be life and death for Snafu.

“She keeps grippin’ her lower stomach an’ she keeps curlin’ up weird. What’s she doin’?” Eugene tried not to laugh as his friend spoke. The Cajun would rattle off some of the crudest jokes you never wanted to hear but the man didn’t know the slightest thing about female anatomy. “She says her legs feel ‘eavy. Does she got cancer or somethin’?” Snafu was almost in hysterics now.

“No. She doesn’t have cancer, Snafu. She’s got her period.”

“What?”

“Her menstrual cycle. It’s a monthly thing that happens for about a week.”

“So it’s normal?” Snafu was calming down slightly.

“Extremely. Every woman goes through it. The holding her lower stomach? She’s getting cramps and the light pressure can help.”

“How d’ I help?”

“Uh...chocolate helps some women. A heating pad might help, some caffeine maybe.”

“Chocolate, heating pad, and coffee. Got it.”

“You good?”

“Now that I don’ think m’ boo’s got cancer,” Snafu said honestly.

Waking up from a nap, Y/N opened her eyes to find Snafu coming in the door with a shopping bag. Snafu was pleased she didn’t wake up alone while he was at the store for 15 minutes.

“Boo, have I got you set.” Snafu had a triumphant grin on his face a glint in his eyes to match.

“What do you mean?” Y/N rubbed her eyes a second as she sat up on the couch. Snafu quickly filled Y/N in on his call with Eugene and she tried not to laugh.

“So I got th’ee diff’ent kinds o’ chocolate; I got a heating pad, an’ some ice cream. And…” he held up a bottle of Y/N favorite chilled coffee.

“You’re amazing, you know that?” Y/N asked as he handed her the bag. “This heating pad is about to become my third best friend.”

“Third?” Snafu questioned. He went to the kitchen to put the ice cream in the freezer for later but left the chocolate and coffee with Y/N.

“You and Gene are obviously first and second,” she said. She leaned over the armrest of the couch to plug the pad into the wall.

Snafu walked back to the living and unlaced his boots, leaving them off to the side of the front of the couch and got a blanket from inside the ottoman before joining Y/N on the couch. Y/N moved so he could lay down and she laid on top of him, the heating pad between their bodies. Snafu got the blanket over the two of them before he wrapped his arms around her. She snuggled into his chest and Snafu smiled fondly.

Carefully, Snafu slid his phone from his pocket and set up a playlist- some calming music one you had set up when you figured out his pass-code. He didn’t mind and found himself listening to it sometimes.

Between the music, the gentle warmth of the heating pad and each other’s bodies- as well as the softness of the blanket- it didn’t take long for Y/N to fall asleep with Snafu’s hand playing gently with her hair. It didn’t take long for Snafu fall asleep himself.

[sandgraab]

every other post on r/cats is just “send prayers my cat binkus is dying from [THING THAT WOULDNT HAVE HAPPENED IF I KEPT MY CAT INSIDE]” like you think these people would get the point by now

[jeebys-blog]

@assuredofthis      » 03:07 im coming over to scream at u about rpdr today and ur not allowed to turn me away and if u do im gonna call your mom and tell her youre bullying me      » 03:15 yikes this was supposed to be for ray sorry LT

[izzy-b-hands]

freebooter4ever replied to your post: Fictober 2019, Oct. 15th, “That’s What I’m Talking...

omfg it was all cute and adorable and then the carrot happened and i died!!! Laughing sohard. Poor sledge having to deal with these bad jokes. Loooove it

aslkdfj Thank you!!!! I’m so glad you liked it!!!! This is the burden our dear Sledgehammer bears: just the worst, silliest goddamn jokes from Snafu, especially in bed. 

[freebooter4ever]

The Thrilling Conclusion to the Naked Snafu Invades Eugene's Apartment Saga, inspired by this and also this drawing by @badgerms - I needed to make Snafu happy

Warnings: nudity, brief mention of Snafu's dick, more goofy intimacy than explicit

"Though after tonight, now that Eugene knows how miserable his couch is, he might have to start saving up for a new one. He can't let Snafu continue to sleep on this reddish-orange, lumpy, prickly thing from the 80's.

Better that Snafu sleep on something reddish-orange, soft, and born in the 80's - like, say, Eugene himself."

Eugene chooses the couch. The minute he lies down, he regrets his choice. The cushions are so thin they almost don't exist. Whenever he moves the damn things squeak. And he swears each individual spring is poking into his body. Even if his thoughts weren't racing in circles trying to understand Snafu's behavior, Eugene thinks he'd still be kept awake all night by this uncomfortable couch.

How does Snafu sleep like this three days out of the week?

It's never three set days - some weeks it's more; some weeks less. As far as Eugene knows, Snafu technically doesn't rent a place anywhere and instead divides his time amongst his friend's couches.

"Semper-fi," Snafu says, if anyone asks.

Eugene never questions it, and maybe that's why Snafu seems to spend more time here than anywhere else. Though after tonight, now that Eugene knows how miserable his couch is, he might have to start saving up for a new one. He can't let Snafu continue to sleep on this orange, lumpy, prickly thing from the 80's.

Better that Snafu sleep on something orange, soft, and born in the 80's - like, say, Eugene himself.

Eugene rolls over restlessly and promptly receives a sharp poke to his ass from one of the springs.

He definitely needs to replace this couch.

If only because the other option - suggesting Snafu share his bed instead - is completely inappropriate.

Eugene opens his text messages and scrolls past the various group chats that take up half his phone storage. Snafu starts these chats with random friends of his and then somehow pulls Eugene into them. 

Eugene scrolls and scrolls until he finds Eugene Number Two. He needs expert advice. And there is only one other person in the world who knows more about Snafu than Eugene does. It's only a strange coincidence they have the same name.

Eugene needs to know if Snafu's exhibitionism is equal opportunity or selective. After much deliberation about how to ask this, he decides to go with the direct approach.

Eugene to EugeneTwo 3:45am - 'does snafu ever sleep naked on your couch?'

EugeneTwo to Eugene 2:46am - 'If he ever tried his bare ass would be tossed out into the snow.'

EugeneTwo to Eugene 2:53am - 'Why do you ask? Is Snafu sleeping nude on your couch right now? You have my permission to toss him out. Be merciless. I know how you get when he gives you that kicked puppy look. Don't fall for it.'

Eugene to EugeneTwo 2:54am - 'right now hes sleeping in my bed naked but it started on my couch.'

EugeneTwo to Eugene 2:55am - 'Ok, I do not need to hear about your sex life'

Eugene to EugeneTwo 3:00am - 'no sex'

Eugene to EugeneTwo 3:01am - 'i took the couch''

Eugene to EugeneTwo 3:01am - 'do you think he would though?'

Eugene to EugeneTwo 3:02am - 'trying to gauge my chances here'

EugeneTwo to Eugene 3:05am - 'He's in your bed naked Sledgehammer, what do you think?.'

EugeneTwo to Eugene 3:05am - 'You are both dumbasses though so 0% chance is my prediction.'

EugeneTwo to Eugene 3:05am - 'Good luck.'

EugeneTwo to Eugene 3:07am - 'Use protection. Snafu's backpack, side pocket with the snap. You should have no trouble finding it.'

Eugene Number Two, aka Roe, is studying to be an EMT, so he's always harping about health or venereal diseases or something or other. Eugene never pays attention to any of it. He kinda hopes Snafu does.

Eugene sits on the couch and surveys the room. Snafu's backpack seems to be missing. It's either in Eugene's room with Snafu or as mysteriously disappeared as Snafu's clothes.

Eugene sighs. Sex with Snafu was a zero percent chance for him anyway, Roe said so. And Roe tends to be irritatingly accurate when it comes to Snafu. It's always been a bit of a competition between them over best friend status in Snafu's heart. The other Eugene usually wins. Roe has more history with Shelton - they grew up in the same state, raced boats with homemade dangerous motors in the same swamps, ate the same weird fish. 

Except Snafu doesn't get naked when he stays over at Roe's place. Eugene doesn't know if this new development can be considered a win or not.

Probably not. It's just another thing to add to the list of weirdness Snafu knows he can get away with around Eugene.

Eugene opens his phone again and rereads the messages. With noted emphasis on the one telling him to be merciless. He does give in to Snafu's esoteric demands a lot more than is probably healthy. He should stand up for himself more.

It's that thought that gets Eugene off the couch and into his bedroom. He stands in the narrow space at the foot of his bed and stares at Snafu's peacefully sleeping form. All he can see is the top of his curly head. The rest of him is a lump underneath the covers, smack dab in the center of the bed, like goldilocks. There's maybe a foot of mattress space left for Eugene on either side of Snafu's body.

Snafu is sleeping curled up with his head pillowed on his arm, so Eugene struggles with a brief internal debate over which side he should take. He settles on the front - logic being that he's already seen everything there once. He might be immune to the sight now. Quickly, before he can have second thoughts, he slides underneath the bedspread and sheets.

Snafu's eyes pop open immediately. Eugene suspects he wasn't actually asleep. Snafu grins at Eugene, but doesn't move, not even to make more room on the bed. It's an awful tight squeeze, with the three of them on there.

Because sure enough, clutched tight in Snafu's skinny arms, is Eugene's childhood favorite stuffed animal. Eugene thought he hid Minky well enough this time. He put the stuffed animal at the bottom of his underwear drawer and assumed his friends would never dare paw through his unmentionables. Eugene needs to adjust the assumptions he makes based on previous life experiences. Previous life experiences rarely apply to Snafu.

"I can't believe you still sleep with a stuffed animal, Gene," Snafu says mockingly, even while his chin is neatly tucked over Minky's plush shoulder and one of his arms is wrapped around the stuffed monkey's body.

Eugene breathes deeply and resists the temptation to throttle his hypocritical best friend.

"My mom sent him to me," Eugene protests.

"She send you the baby food in your kitchen cupboards as well?" Snafu asks, his grin widening.

Eugene can feel his face getting hot. "She worries about me," he says, "She thinks I'm lonely. I think she's projecting. My dad bought her two giant life-sized teddy bears after I went away for college. They sit at the dining room table when Edward and I aren't there. I think that gave her the idea to mail my old stuffed animal to me. Minky just shares my bed sometimes. I don't cuddle with it. Not like you're doing right now."

"You lonely, Gene?" Snafu asks, turning the words into something far more provocative than they should be.

"No," Eugene says firmly. He swallows with great difficulty.

Snafu's smile disappears. He slides himself backwards in the bed to give Eugene more room. Eugene takes it. But he quickly discovers Snafu failed to move his feet over as well, and his feet are ice cold. Snafu worms one foot in between Eugene's calves, and Eugene bemusedly accepts the fact that if he is going to get the use of his own bed, he is also going to be used as a foot warmer.

"You're definitely the baby in the family, Sledgehammer," Snafu decides.

"I was," Eugene admits readily, unashamed, "What about you?"

"Eldest," Snafu yawns, "More like a crappy parent than a brother."

Snafu curls tighter into a fetal position. His foot migrates from between Eugene's calves to between his thighs. A highly distracting position. But Snafu looks so...sad...that it's hard to read anything into it more than Snafu's constant need for contact. There's a wall up between them tonight that isn't normally there. Snafu holds Minky in front of his body, with his elbows and knees poking into Eugene's space like a barrier.

Eugene is seized with a sudden desire to hug him.

He wonders, if he picked the other side of the bed, if Snafu would've let Eugene wrap his arms around him. If Eugene could hold him, just as Snafu is cuddling with the damn stuffed monkey. To press his hand against Snafu's bare stomach. To feel Snafu's back against his own chest. To kiss his shoulder. To whisper 'I love everything about you, even the weirdness. I don't understand it, but I get it. I see it in myself sometimes, too,' in his ear.

"Are you lonely, Snaf?" Eugene asks.

Snafu is already asleep.

Eugene takes a while longer to fall asleep. It's one thing to have already seen Snafu stark naked. It's another thing entirely to have the same situation play out in this context. Where he can't see it, but he knows it, and that's almost worse.

Eugene reaches his hand down to lightly hold Snafu's ankle where it's wedged between Eugene's legs. He runs his thumb along the knob of bone and the dip underneath where Snafu's ankle connects to his heel. There's dried dirt caked there - of course there is, this is Snafu after all - and Eugene chuckles. He softly rubs Snafu's skin clean.

Snafu smiles, once again not actually asleep though his eyes are still closed, and wiggles his toes.

Eugene smiles back, helpless in the wake of affection he feels, and squeezes Snafu's ankle comfortingly.

This time Eugene does fall asleep.

He dreams of Snafu on top of him, kissing him. It's warm and sweaty underneath the thick blankets, the air cold as sin outside them.

When he wakes Snafu is gone. The first thing Eugene sees when he opens his eyes is Minky's button-eyed face. The stuffed monkey's plastic nose is pressed right up against Eugene's like a kiss. Snafu must have placed him there after getting out of bed.

Eugene reaches out, grabs Minky, and pulls the stuffed animal tight to his chest, hugging it like he hasn't done since he was...well...if he's honest maybe fourteen or so - he was a soft child. His heart aches terribly right now, and he figures that's as good an excuse as any for a cuddle. He burrows deeper into the covers and tries to hide from his thoughts.

Fuck, he hopes Snafu doesn't decide to do this again. His heart can't take it. It's reduced Eugene to this. Lying here while his heart aches. And aches and aches.

Wait. Actually, that might be his stomach.

As soon as he thinks about it, he feels a grumble. And, yup, that pain he feels is his stomach. He might have forgotten to eat before bed last night, what with his living room being too full of a sexy cajun exhibitionist to leave room for anything else.

Still not completely awake, he staggers out of his room and starts towards the kitchen to answer his grumbling stomach. He notices a crop of curls crouched down on the kitchen floor and forces his eyes open wider to see what it is. When he does see, he is momentarily dazed in shock.

Snafu is sitting in the middle of Eugene's dropped pile of graded papers. His face is scrunched tight in concentration as he sorts where one sentence leaves off at the end of a page and where it begins on another.

"You're reorganizing my papers?" Eugene asks.

Snafu looks up guiltily, "Yeah."

"Thank you…" Eugene stutters.

"I felt bad," Snafu explains, "My fault you dropped them…" He lets go of the page he is reading and scratches the back of his head self consciously.

The messy pile surrounding Snafu's bare knees is significantly smaller than Eugene remembers it being last night. As evidenced by the neat stack on the kitchen table beside Snafu's head. Snafu must have been up for hours already to have gotten this far in the organizing. 

And menial labor is the thing Snafu hates most in the world. ("I grade tests for no man," Snafu once said when the two of them were locked in a hotel for a week with a whole host of science professors to score the AP exams)

Yet here Snafu is, calm as he pleases, kneeling on Eugene's floor in his boxers and sorting through the most boring essays on cell biology ever written.

Hold on - Eugene recognizes those lime green and orange boxers.

"Snafu, what happened to all your clothes?" Eugene asks.

"That fucker Mackenzie cheated in poker," Snafu scowls, "Hate that guy."

"Are those my boxers?" Eugene asks.

Snafu shrugs and without turning away from his work, says, "Yours are more comfortable."

They should be, Eugene thinks, they're silk.

And fuck, that's the last straw. For some reason Snafu wearing his best - his favorite - underwear is the thing that breaks the camel's back. Eugene is fed up. There is no excuse, not for this big of a breach in personal boundaries. Friendship be damned.

Snafu fails to notice the turn in the tide, innocently shuffling the last few pages around. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say these kids never opened a biology textbook before," Snafu comments, "Gene, half of these essays don't make sense even when the pages are put back in order…" Snafu continues rambling on about the unfortunate state of the American collegiate system and our unfortunate focus on standardized testing over deeper literacy, due to it being more expensive and time consuming to test writing skills and critical thinking. 

It's a well traveled train of thought for them, and one both Eugene and Snafu have discussed at length often enough that Eugene doesn't even need to pay attention to know where Snafu's headed. There is a comforting familiarity to hearing Snafu chatter half to himself and half to Eugene while he works. And Eugene agrees on all his points. Normally he would join in. But...

"Snafu…" Eugene tries to interrupt.

"If we just had more bodies in the public school system, instead of allowing people with means to circumvent communal education by paying for elite charter and private schools…" Snafu rambles on.

"Merriell," Eugene says desperately.

When even the use of Snafu's given name fails to catch his attention, Eugene knows for certain Snafu is a lost cause in his train of thought and not about to surface anytime soon..

Thus he is caught unawares when Eugene leans down, pushes demandingly into Snafu's space, and plants a firm kiss smack dab on his lips. Eugene squeezes his eyes shut - his mouth is hard, and the kiss is less romantic and more an act of desperation - to see if Snafu's incessant goading and prodding actually means anything - and to put in his own request for something more. Eugene pulls away quick and opens his eyes to see the answer.

Snafu immediately drops the papers and grabs onto Eugene instead. His large, warm hands slide around the back of Eugene's neck and pull him in. He kisses Eugene like nothing else matters.

Eugene, still standing awkwardly, tips over and loses his balance. He careens into Snafu and knocks them both to the cracked linoleum floor. Their kiss breaks and Snafu is laughing. He cradles Gene's face in his hands, stares up at him with enigmatic eyes, and laughs at him.

Eugene stares back in panic, beginning to worry he just made the biggest mistake, and ruined the deepest friendship he's ever experienced.

Snafu sits up, not taking his eyes off Eugene, and brings their faces closer together again. Neither of them speak. Eugene hardly dares to breathe.

He calms down a bit when Snafu places his palms flat against Gene's chest. Snafu smooths the wrinkles out of Eugene's pajama shirt, and runs his fingertips across Eugene's initials embroidered into the breast pocket.

Eugene watches all this exploration unfold, trying to pretend he's not heavily invested in the outcome. He adds no commentary either, for fear of changing Snafu's mind.

It tests his patience, waiting. The time it takes Snafu to undo the first button on Eugene's shirt would make a slug seem speedy by comparison. But one by one, the buttons open up, and the shirt comes off, and Snafu moves on to Eugene's sweatpants, painstakingly untying the drawstring. Snafu manhandles Eugene into a standing position in order to get those off. Eugene's boxers are last, pulled down without ceremony. And then Snafu stands with him, and takes a step back.

He draws his eyes slowly down Eugene's form - Snafu's face a picture of concentration as hard as it was when reading the biology papers. Finally, he brings his gaze back up, and meets Eugene's eyes. A knowing smile crawls across his face.

"Wow," Snafu says. The tilt of his head is a little too sarcastic for Eugene's comfort.

Eugene straightens his shoulders, and tries to stand a little taller.

"Got all your clothes off, and I didn't even need to beat you in poker," Snafu says with pride.

Eugene's shoulders slump in defeat. If he had thought Snafu would magically transform into something other than his emotionally-distant, constantly-deflecting-real-feelings self, he was wrong.

"I'm going back to bed," Eugene grumbles. He ignores his painful stomach telling him he forgot to eat again and stomps through his living room.

"Don't you need your pajamas?" Snafu calls after him teasingly.

"Read the sign!" Eugene replies and slams his bedroom door shut to drive his point home.

He dives underneath the covers and intends to stay there for the rest of the day, hunger and bathroom needs be damned.

But sure enough, not too long after Eugene's tantrum, the door of his bedroom opens once more. He is not surprised.

"Didn't you read the sign," Eugene accuses, loud enough for Snafu to understand his muffled voice underneath the covers.

"I did," Snafu says. The bed dips in a way that suggests Snafu is sitting next to him. "And I'm willing to take that risk.".

Eugene flops the covers off his face and looks begrudgingly at Snaf.

Snafu grins. He reaches over and drags his fingers through Eugene's hair. Eugene can feel the static cling crackle against his skin where his hair is sticking out at odd angles.

"Snaf, it's not a risk if you like me too," Eugene complains wearily.

"Yeah it is," Snafu says as he stands and wiggles out of Eugene's expensive silk boxers, "It's always a risk." He pulls the covers back more to reveal Eugene completely, and climbs onto the bed.

Eugene tries to maneuver out of his way to give him room, but Snafu rests his hand over Eugene's arm, and Eugene stops moving.

Until he shivers.

"I turned off the heat, like you asked," Snafu says proudly.

"A few hours late on that," Eugene points out.

Snafu shrugs. He climbs over Eugene, and sits on his stomach with a knee on either side of Eugene's body. His eyes never leave Eugene's face. Snafu is looking at him with a funny little smile, the one Eugene only sees when Snafu is well and truly enjoying himself.

And there - for one minute - there is that face, those eyes, that look, that Eugene can never resist as Roe so kindly pointed out. Snafu looks happy, but in a nervous way like he doesn't trust his own happiness. 

Eugene could probably be content simply sitting and admiring Snafu all morning. Except for one small detail that suddenly consumes all of Eugene's attention.

Snafu's dick is hard.

Eugene can both feel and see (if he is brave enough to cast his gaze a little lower) the state of things.

"Did Mac take your backpack too?" Eugene asks.

"Yeah," Snafu says, looking confused, "Why's it matter?"

"Roe stashed some condoms in there," Eugene explains.

"Oh yeah?" Snafu asks with a triumphant grin sitting straighter and cocking his chin, "What you gonna do with a condom if you had one, Sledgehammer?"

Eugene sits up, wrapping one arm around Snafu's lower waist in order to slowly slide him down off Eugene's chest and into his lap. It puts them more on an even level.

"I don't know," Eugene says honestly, "Anything you wanted, probably."

Snafu's devilish grin disappears. He falls completely silent, and lets his hands rest lightly on Eugene's shoulders. Eugene's never seen Snafu timid, until now. He doesn't like it. He wishes he knew how to restore that confidence. Maybe this was Eugene's mistake. Maybe he turned this too serious, made it mean too much. Maybe he wants too much.

"It's okay, Snaf," Eugene whispers and holds him close while trying to read his thoughts through his eyes, "It's okay."

This time Snafu is the one to break the tension. He cups his hands behind Eugene's head and brings their lips together. The kiss is sudden and intense - as if when Snafu finally gives himself permission, he releases all his emotions at once. It's a little overwhelming, being the sole focus of Snafu's unleashed feelings. Like Eugene is holding an uncontainable ball of energy.

And Snafu won't stop pressing closer, and Eugene refuses to take his hands off him - so he responds to every roll of Snafu's hips by pulling him in even tighter. They tip backwards and land flat on the bed, and Eugene relishes in the full weight of Snafu on top of him, kissing him - more vivid and warm and alive and clumsy than any dream could imagine.

Eugene is fumbling, and a bit shy. Snafu more than makes up for it, guiding Eugene's hand to all the right places. They never do find any condoms. Just as well - neither of them last long, rutting up against each other like teenagers brand new to this game.

Eugene definitely is new to this. He technically still classifies as a virgin. On the other hand, Snafu's experience hovers somewhere around expert level. It's cute though, to see all Snafu's experience and bravado humbled in the face of wanting to impress Eugene.

It's also extremely messy, which isn't something Eugene had ever considered. And he is fastidious enough to insist they shower off together. Eugene gives himself a perfunctory scrub down, and then leaves Snafu lingering in the steam filled bathroom in order to go out to the kitchen and make breakfast. Eugene starts cooking bacon - the only food he never ruins - before he even puts on clothes. He fails to consider the hot grease. He learns pretty quickly why some things shouldn't be done naked, so he wraps a towel around himself for safety's sake.

Snafu doesn't leave the warm shower till the bacon is done, and then the two of them curl up together on the couch to watch a movie. It feels like any other slow moving Saturday morning they've spent together. Except this time before Eugene can seat himself, Snafu drags the towel off him, as if nudity is a requirement to this new shift in their relationship. The silly, ebullient grin on Snafu's face when Eugene complies with his silent request is enough to quash any of Eugene's insecurities about being naked in front of him though.

Snafu takes one end of the couch and maneuvers Eugene into sitting between Snafu's legs, with his arms around Eugene's waist and the plate of bacon within easy reach on Eugene's lap. Every so often one of Snafu's hands slides underneath Eugene's elbow, steals a slice, and retreats back behind his shoulder, and then Eugene hears the sound of munching in his ear. In between bites, Snafu places gentle kisses on Eugene's neck, and Eugene knows he'll be smelling like bacon for days.

When the bacon's gone, Eugene slides farther down his seat so he can lean his head against Snafu's shoulder and get more comfortable. Snafu gives a pleased hum and twists his fingers into Eugene's still damp hair - either detangling knots or creating them, Eugene can't tell.

"Do we need to go out on a date to make this official?" Eugene asks.

"Official?" Snafu wonders.

"You're gonna be my boyfriend, right?" Eugene asks, twisting so he can look up at Snafu. He realizes belatedly how childish that sounds. More like a naive, inexperienced spinster too old to be asking or caring about such questions.

"Sure Sledgehammer," Snafu laughs, "You gonna give me your class ring? Get me one of your orchestra letterman jackets that I can wear around? Let everyone know you're mine?"

"I'm not in orchestra Snaf, and it's marching band that gets the jackets," Eugene says.

"Fine then, one of them marching band jackets," Snafu drawls.

"I'm not in marching band either," Eugene says, amused.

"Then what is that thing you get all dressed up for every morning?" Snafu asks.

"The NROTC?" Eugene clarifies.

"Yeah, that," Snaf says.

"That's not a marching band, Snaf," Eugene says patiently.

"Whatever it is, you always look hot," Snafu says, "marching around in that tight little uniform."

Sledge coughs, startled by the compliment and the leer Snafu gives him to go along with it, "Hot? Well. Yeah I guess the uniform can be really sweaty sometimes. Especially in the sun."

"Can I have the jacket to wear?" Snafu asks hopefully.

"No, I need the jacket," Eugene tells him, "It's not like a letterman's jacket, Snafu. It doesn't even have my name on it."

"I'd like to fuck you with the hat on," Snafu comments.

Eugene closes his eyes, as if that hides his reaction to Snafu's words, as if Eugene can't feel his face burning, "We are leaving my uniform completely out of this relationship, Snaf."

"Relationship?" Snafu echoes, sounding lost.

"Yeah," Eugene says softly, 

"That what you want?" Snafu asks, disbelief in his voice.

"Of course, Snaf," Eugene says, unwilling to be intimidated out of making this decision. He shifts in Snafu's lap and turns around so he can look his boyfriend in the face.

"Okay then," Snafu says cautiously, "Sure. We can date. If you're serious."

"I am serious, I want all of you Snaf," Eugene leans forward and places a hand on Snafu's hip, " - want to spend time with you intentionally, not only the random evenings you crash here just 'cause you have nowhere else to go."

"That's not true," Snafu drawls dismissively.

"What's not true?"

"That I got nowhere else to go. Burgie and Flo set up their extra bedroom for me. S'where all my junk is," Snafu explains, "I just like your place more. It's comfortable."

"Snafu," Eugene admonishes fondly, "I happen to have first hand experience that says this couch is the least comfortable sleeping couch I have ever laid down on." He leans closer and closer, brushing their noses together, a soppy smile on his face.

"Better not use it for sleeping then," Snafu retorts, in a dangerous tone that really Eugene should be recognizing by now. Somehow Snafu slips out from under Eugene, flips them over, settles himself at the opposite end of the couch, removes the bacon plate from Eugene's lap, and goes down on him.

Eugene lets out an involuntary yelp of pleasure, and snags his hand in Snafu's unruly hair (neither of them bothered with personal grooming after the shower).

No one hears the front door of Eugene's apartment click unlocked.

"Hey Eugene, I heard you yell, so I know you're awake. I just need to borrow a cup of sugar. I'm making pop tarts from scratch and I didn't realize I used all my sugar last week for the apple crumble...HOLY FUCK!"

"Bill!" Eugene exclaims, "Not now!" Snaf's mouth is still on him, but as soon as he pulls off he'll leave Eugene bare to the world.

Eugene's warning comes too late, Bill is already clutching at his face, "Oh, my eyes!! My eyes!" Bill staggers backward and crashes into the wall next to the door.

Eugene's skin is turning hot pink. He's never been this embarrassed. He scrambles to sit up and belatedly realizes he never got around to buying throw pillows for his couch. He pries a cushion from the frame instead and hides behind it. Snafu sits upright next to him and casually reclines against the couch. He spreads his legs obscenely and glowers at Bill, but otherwise is as calm as you please.

"My eyes!" Bill cries out again, flailing desperately.

Fully covered and feeling more confident, especially given his new status as Snafu's boyfriend, Eugene finds it in himself to be annoyed. After all, it was Bill who used the spare key Eugene gave him for emergencies to walk into his apartment uninvited. "Bill, quit acting like you've been shot," Eugene snaps.

"I think I have been shot," Bill complains, "What is this searing pain behind my retina??" He dramatically slides down the wall and flops to the ground where he lies boneless.

"Bill…" Eugene says patiently.

"I have never, ever wanted to see that much of Snafu's ass," Bill moans.

"You would be so lucky," Snafu retorts, still scowling.

"Bill, if youl want the sugar, the bowl is in the narrow cupboard beside the oven," Eugene says, and then glances sideways at Snafu, "I don't think Snafu is gonna cover up, though."

"No! Fuck, I'm leaving," Bill reaches blindly for the door knob and pulls himself to his feet. He hobbles the few steps through the doorway, "Those stark tan lines...they'll be etched in my brain forever after this. Why??? Why me?"

The minute the door closes, Snafu stands. He stalks over to Eugene's bedroom door, rips the warning notice down, stomps over to the front door, opens it wide, slaps the sign on the front of it, and slams it shut.

Eugene sighs. He follows Snafu's lead and gets up to shove the couch cushion back in place. He also goes into the kitchen and finds the sugar bowl. Nudging Snafu out of the way, Eugene opens the front door and sets the sugar bowl down on the welcome mat.

"He'll be back to get it," Eugene explains.

Snafu says nothing, but after Eugene closes the front door for a final time, Snafu pushes him up against it and kisses him silly. At first Eugene's a little overwhelmed by the ferocity. Then Snafu kisses slowly down Eugene's neck, then his sternum, then his belly, then continues to do that which was so rudely interrupted before, and then Eugene is very extremely overwhelmed. In a good way. so good he almost collapses, but Snafu holds him up.

He's pretty sure he makes a number of new noises too, and he desperately hopes Bill returns to retrieve the sugar bowl later rather than sooner.

When they finish and Eugene slumps on the ground and leans against the door - and Snafu sprawls in his lap facing him and leans against Eugene's shoulder with a smile like the cheshire cat - there is a loud rap on the door.

"So Eugene, from the sound of things, I take it you aren't a virgin anymore," Bill proclaims loudly through the door.

"Go away, Bill," Eugene calls back.

"Thanks for the sugar," Bill yells as they hear his footsteps retreat down the hall.

Snafu stays at Eugene's place again that night, and keeps staying every night after.

To save Bill's eyes they start putting Snafu's warning sign on the apartment door in the hallway whenever it's necessary. Which is quite often. And everytime they do, without fail, Bill walks by at least once and hollars, "Congrats on the sex," at them through the door.

("Stop yelling in the hallway," Burgie complains, "Bad enough they announce it with a sign, you needn't act as town crier for the two of 'em. We don't need this, Bill.")

Snafu finds this hilarious, and glows with pride. Eugene's feels a little more awkward about it all, but he is grateful for the privacy the sign offers (he can never remember how many spare keys he gave out to friends, and he knows for sure Bill duplicated the key and gave it to another friend at least once), and he is a little relieved to no longer be known as the blushing virgin of the apartment complex anymore.

Honestly, he doesn't see how it was anybody's business in the first place.

"You can't go through college and remain a virgin, Eugene," is what his brother Edward told him.

Somehow Eugene doubts Snafu is quite what his brother had in mind for Eugene, but he doesn't care. Snafu and Eugene go on a couple dates, just to make it public. And everyone acts surprised - not by them being together but by the realization that they weren't before.

Even though Eugene steadfastly refuses to wear it himself, Snafu does wear Eugene's spiffy Marine Corps hat in bed once. For the next week afterwards, Eugene finds it hard not to get turned on every time he dons his uniform. Nevertheless, Eugene still won't let Snafu borrow his jacket and wear it around campus. As a compromise Eugene pins his extra insignia to the collar of Snafu's own jacket. Snafu wears the jacket daily - despite the humidity of summer afternoons.

After a couple months, Snafu finally officially moves all his stuff from Burgie's place to Eugene's. Burgie buys the two of them a slow cooker to celebrate. At first Eugene is confused by this gift because he can't cook to save his life and everyone knows it. But Burgie just smiles, gives him a knowing look, and says "I'd offer Snafu ours - he uses it more than we ever do - but Florence would have my head."

Snafu's cooking is never conventional, and never includes the same ingredients twice, yet it always tastes amazing. Eugene chalks it up as another one of Snafu's personal mysteries that probably should never be explained. Eugene tries to return the favor by surprising Snafu with dinner one saturday night. He ends up setting the oven on fire.

Snafu arrives home after work and finds Eugene sitting on the kitchen floor, his back against the fridge and his feet stretched out across the linoleum. He taps his foot impatiently against the oven door and stares intently through the glass. Snafu bends down and peers into the oven from a distance.

"That little ball of flame in there our food or a science experiment?" Snafu asks cautiously.

"Our food," Eugene says curtly, "Don't worry, I cut the heat off. And the fire'll run out of oxygen soon, anyway."

Snafu delicately steps over Eugene's legs and then settles next to him on the floor. "Promise me you'll never use my slow cooker?" he asks.

Eugene holds up his hand and sticks out his pinky finger.

Snafu grins wide and hooks their pinkies together, shaking on it.

"Wanna see what I've been working on?" Snafu asks, shrugging his canvas duffle onto his lap. The duffle conspicuously has "Eugene Bondurant Sledge" stamped on it's side, but Eugene lets it go.

"Sure," Eugene says, leaning in closer to rest his chin on his boyfriend's shoulder.

Snafu unrolls the duffle and sticks his hand in. He hesitates, and says, with a teasing glint in his eye, "You won't try to throw it on the fire for kindling?"

"No, Snafu," Eugene rolls his eyes.

Snafu pulls his hand out to reveal a beautiful, meticulously detailed, carved wooden pipe.

Eugene immediately sits up straight and holds his hands out, all his cooking woes forgotten.

Snafu chuckles and drops the pipe into Eugene's outstretched palms.

Eugene gingerly stabilizes it, glaring at Snafu for dropping it like it's nothing. One day Eugene will convince Snafu that his handiwork is worth something. He holds the pipe up and runs his hands across the carvings in awe. The shapes and markings on the intertwined leaves are accurate enough that Eugene can name each plant species.

"Snaf…" Eugene whispers.

"See? I do pay some attention to all that useless bio knowledge you try to cram in my head," Snafu boasts.

"Snaf," Eugene reaches with his free hand to cup Snafu's face and tilt his chin towards him for a kiss.

Snafu goes in smiling.

Eugene throws a leg over Snafu's waist, and Snafu guides him into his lap. Before things get too heated, Eugene carefully slides the pipe onto the nearest counter. And then they fuck on the cold bumpy kitchen tile.

They forgot to put the sign on the door, but thankfully no one needed sugar tonight.

Eugene smokes his pipe for the first time that night while Snafu has his preferred cigarettes. He and Snafu lean over the air conditioner unit on opposite sides, and pretend that the tiny two inch crack of fresh air between the unit and the wall helps their apartment smell less like smoke.

Eugene proudly lights his new pipe, and watches Snafu's eyes and teeth glow with joy as he does it.

For as long as Eugene has known him, Snafu spends nights and weekends working as the foundry and wood shop manager at the college. During most of the year this means he's responsible for keeping students alive and in one piece. Surprisingly, he's actually good at it. Accidents went down by seventy percent after they hired him. Which is why the college looks the other way when Snafu spends most of his summer hours experimenting.

It's where they met, actually. Eugene made the inadvisable choice to take a ceramic paint and glaze chemistry class. What he didn't realize was that he would actually need to sculpt something. He spent many many long nights and weekends in the clay studio, and still ended up with a lumpy blob instead of a self portrait. Luckily, his long hours also meant he ran into an offbeat looking, bright-eyed artist who never introduced himself by name but sculpted Eugene's final project for him anyway. In return Eugene did Snafu's science homework. It became routine, and when Eugene discovered Snafu was sleeping on the shitty foundry couch each night, he offered Snafu the use of his apartment then and there. Snafu took him up on that offer regularly, and the rest is history.

Come to think of it, Eugene still does Snafu's science homework. Although after having tried to sleep on his own couch, Eugene isn't convinced Snafu didn't get the worst end of the deal. It baffles him, why Snafu would've kept sneaking into Eugene's place to lose sleep on a shitty couch.

Till one evening, over a year into their relationship, Eugene is once again reading before bed. This time Snafu is dozing on top of him, stark naked in a comfortable familiar way,  with his arms wrapped around Eugene's waist and his face turned in towards Eugene's stomach ("Your gut is softer than your bony chest, Gene"), Snafu lifts his head up, scoots forward, and rests his chin atop Eugene's textbook. He lays there, studying Eugene's face and thoroughly distracting Eugene from his reading for a while until Eugene gives up and looks at him.

"Maybe it wasn't your couch," Snafu admits, "Maybe it's just you that's more comfortable."

Eugene smiles, pulls Snafu in for a long, lingering kiss, and abandons his book to the nightstand. "I put the sign up already, before we went to bed," he whispers to Snafu, trying to make his voice as seductive as possible.

Snafu grins and eagerly drags Eugene's shirt off over his head, "Always on top of things."

"You know me," Eugene teases. He rolls them over to get Snafu underneath him - sweet and precious and butt naked.

Snafu wraps his legs around Eugene's waist and gives him an encouraging kiss.

But instead of escalating, Eugene pauses to bask in the warmth of their embrace. "Merriell," he croons into his boyfriend's neck, "I lov…"

"Congrats on the sex!" they hear Bill yell loudly as he stumbles drunkenly home through the apartment hallway.

Screw the new couch, maybe it's time Eugene got a new apartment.

Snafu starts laughing, but with the way he is looking at Gene there is no doubt in Eugene’s mind that Snafu returns his interrupted sentiment.

[auroargraves]

Sledgefu!! For the who does what thing! Because it's been too long since we made amazing headcannons about these beautiful boys!

hello! I haven’t seen you in my askbox lately, I hope you’re doing fine💕

who hogs the duvet - I honestly believe that both Sledge and Snaf would kick the duvet off the bed bc it’s hot and humid but when it’s raining and the temp is a bit colder than usual, then Sledge would definitely hog the duvet with Snaf trying to tug it back.

who texts/rings to check how their day is going - Sledge and usually if he’s in between classes and he just wanna know what kind of shenanigan his boyfriend is up to so he calls. Otherwise, Snaf sends memes to Sledge to which Sledge ignores. He also sends his nude selfies just to fluster Sledge.

who’s the most creative when it comes to gifts - surprisingly it’s Snaf and he usually makes the gifts to Sledge and he also includes handmade card.

who gets up first in the morning - Snaf because he’s a light sleeper plus he uses the quiet hours to just stare at Sledge’s face and brushing his hair back and kissing his mouth all soft.

who suggests new things in bed - Merriell Snafu Shelton and he usually does this when they’re out in public bc it’s nice to see Sledge gets all flustered and face-flushing before he agrees after much sly coaxing from Snaf.

who cries at movies - Eugene Sledge because he’s a soppy boy and Snaf always laughs at him but he also offers his shoulder for his boyfriend to cry on.

who gives unprompted massages - Snaf bc he has magic fingers plus it’s another excuse to touch Sledge even though he is allowed to touch Sledge whenever he wants but this is nice too; just gently pressing out the tight knots from Sledge’s shoulders and reducing Sledge into a putty in hand.

who fusses over the other when they’re sick - Snafu does this and it irritates Sledge a bit because he keeps asking if Sledge needs more hot water, if he’s comfy or does he want to get naked bc getting naked can sweat out the fever and I’ll get naked with you too, Eugene. But Sledge is always thankful Snaf is always looking out for him.

who gets jealous easiest - Snaf gets jealous and he really shows it when he’s jealous. If someone is flirting with Sledge, he will drape his arm all over Sledge and call him baby in this sweet voice and glare at the other person to fuck off bc Sledge is taken.

who has the most embarrassing taste in music - Eugene Sledge but that’s bc Edward listens to this kind of old school song okay!

who collects something unusual - Sledge thinks him collecting wilted flowers are weird enough until he finds out that Snafu collects gold teeth of dead people.

who takes the longest to get ready - actual momma’s boy Eugene Sledge because he takes the time to make sure his white shirt has no crease and his trousers are neat and that his hair is well-sleeked with pomade.

who is the most tidy and organised - Sledge is because it’s a habit from when he was small to make sure the house is clean and spotless otherwise he’s gonna get allergic. Snafu doesn’t even bother to help bc he’s lazy.

who gets most excited about the holidays - Sledge esp. if it’s Christmas bc his family is big on celebrating it so he always hangs the mistletoe around the apartment and begs Snaf to decorate the tree with him.

who is the big spoon/little spoon - Sledge is the big spoon and Snaf is the little spoon but they usually end up facing each other to cuddle.

who gets most competitive when playing games and/or sports - Sledge is but he’s not being loud about it. He usually gives himself a pep talk, to boost his own confidence and that he will kick ass to win this game.

who starts the most arguments - actual extra Merriell Snafu Shelton bc he has a big mouth and no filter and whatever that comes out from his mouth usually will make Sledge’s hackle raising up.

who suggests that they buy a pet - Sledge because he loves dogs and he misses Deacon but Snaf is indifferent abt it so Sledge has to blow him to make Snaf agrees.

couple traditions they have - road trip every summer to visit Burgie or Leyden or Jay and it’s fun to be out there on the road with Snaf while Sledge drives and they usually stop at obscure tourist attractions to snap ridiculous photos and buy souvenirs.

what tv shows they watch together - listen, Snaf watches GoT because he reads the books that are on Sledge’s shelf so now they always wait for the new season together and they’re not allowed to watch the show without the other being there.

what other couple they hang out with - Sid and Mary or Bill and Jay.

how they spend time together as a couple - by being clingy towards each other and it’s fine like this because Sledge is usually busy with school and Snaf has his work and when they have free time together, they watch old tv show reruns and have take-outs from the corner store. Staying up late to have slow sex that leaves both of them begging for more and sleeping in till noon before waking up to have late late lunch of cold pizza and beer.

who made the first move - Sledge because if he waits for Snaf, then they won’t be together because while Snaf is loud; he gets all insecure when it comes to expressing his feeling so Sledge made the first move to ask him out on a date.

who brings flowers home - they both do. Sledge bc he really loves flowers and Snaf bc Sledge loves flowers and Snaf even makes a small garden for Sledge.

who is the best cook - Snaf is the best cook bc he’s been cooking his whole life while Sledge burns water.

send me a ship and i'll tell you