#smthg smthng catharsis of breaking plates
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#lately ive been fucking up regularly#it kind of feels like ive been carrying way too many fruits and they've all started tumbling down and bruising#at the same time my whole function was to make sure i dont deop the fruit#and its getting all bruised and messed up but in another sens i feel relieved i dont have to carry such a wonky pile of things#smthg smthng catharsis of breaking plates#where do i go now?#stuck between my resilience and that little voice in the back of my head that makes me notice every time i fail or am a bother#i havent really had to deal with self hate in a hot sec and tbh i dont take it seriously#but its grinding to be faced with you shortcomings day in day out#i have a beautiful boyfriend but every time i see him im in a horrible mood#hes been seeing the worst of me for weeks#maybe years tbh#i cant blame him or anyone if they are annoyed and want to get away#tbh i want to get away feom myself and my life as well#but theres something in this solitude#the endless lull of pointlesness#its poetic#in lifes insubstanciality theres something realer and genler#like depression feels like the truth#a lucidity of the horrors that ends up being beautiful and comforting#like the dark is soothing and direct sunlight hurts#maybe i was made for this state of buzzing loneliness on the verge of depression closer to death#maybe ive spent so much time in it it feels like home again#i feel unlovable and its not a tragedy anymore but an unfortunate fact#ill never get a job so might as well live#ill make dresses and comics and friends and art#and it will all be useless#and not particularly marketable
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