#smth so personal and special about lgbt+ friendships. idk besties!!!! i'm thinking!!!!!!!!

[ruvviks]

keep elaborating on mikhail and vitali 🔫👀😊

hehehehehehehehehehheheheee alrighty here we go >:)) banner says mikhail and vitali because they're the main characters of this post but of course vincent is also gonna be here because he's very important to me and to them and actually without him, vitali and mikhail would NOT be friends right now but that's a story for another time <3

also. i'm. i'm done typing now and um. this is very long and i'm very fucking sorry LMFAOO i just have so many thoughts about them and this specific topic was Very interesting to write about for some reason so i made it a lot Deeper than it probably should've been LMFAO but it's. it's fine <3 i'm normal about them as always

so before we start, here's a post that describes how they all met each other if you're interested and haven't seen it yet, i think that one is the most important one for Context reasons. this one and this one also explain some of their dynamics a little better but those are Optional and also Incomplete bc they focus on specific things only but yeah as you can see i have. a lot of thoughts about them all the time LMFAO

SO. HERE WE GO >:)

as i already mentioned in the ask game, most of the clown brigade (mikhail, vincent and vitali + vitali's inner merc circle + the canon characters they consider their friends) is comfortable with platonic kisses on the lips :) kinda all started with vincent because he just loves his friends a lot and it stuck around and now they're all doing it <3 vitali's office best fixer office in all of night city

however, surprisingly enough, despite sharing plenty of you know cheek kisses and forehead kisses and the like, mikhail and vitali have Never shared a kiss on the lips even though they're. you know. [gestures vaguely] like That LMFAO but there's actually a bunch of reasons for this which i will Attempt to describe

it's mostly mikhail being hesitant in all of this. the two have a lot of history together and he feels like it would be inappropriate because of that in a way? plus the fact vincent and vitali are together (but at the same time he HAS shared platonic kisses with vincent so it's definitely Deeper than that), like as i mentioned before he sometimes feels like an intruder a little bit and even though he's managed to shed most of that feeling these days it still makes him a little :// on occasion

mikhail is mostly scared of the possibility of things becoming different if they were to kiss; kind of an irrational fear, but very much real to him. first of all, there was a time at some point in their lives he WAS in love with vitali (probably in their final year of high school, haven't really decided yet but it's a long time ago); he fears that if they were to kiss, he might fall in love again and that's kind of unfortunate considering vitali is in a relationship LMFAO

and the second reason is a little Vague but it's like. he feels like a kiss would somehow be an "end station" in a way; as if everything they had was all just leading up to THAT point, one kiss, and after that it would all be over and he would just, to put it bluntly, never feel any strong emotions about vitali ever again whatsoever ://

vitali at the same time really doesn't mind all that much. he's mostly just aware of mikhail's worries about it (they haven't talked about it, but vitali would pick up on it quickly because he's good at reading people) and that's why he hasn't really initiated anything; and he would also agree with mikhail that it feels a little off possibly because they've already known each other for SO long and never did anything like that together before?? so it's just. it DOES kind of feel like an end station in a way. i hope this makes sense and if not i'm sorry LMFAO

so yeah there's a lot going on there! all of it however comes forth from the same, following issue: there's a LOT of things left unsaid between the two of them, which thus far hasn't really put any pressure on their relationship yet because it hasn't really been a big deal, but it IS a big deal when it comes to all of these worries mostly mikhail is having

the "things left unsaid" part becomes relevant very soon after the end of the arasaka chapter. i've talked about this before but i'll just talk about it again for context LOL it's basically after vincent has been stabilized and he's recovering at viktor's shop, and vitali is spending the night at mikhail's place

it's a bit awkward between them, because of one main issue: vitali had "died", mikhail blamed himself for vitali's death, but then vitali WASN'T dead and mikhail suddenly didn't have to feel guilty anymore. and then he got stabbed by brainwashed vitali but he wasn't aware of the brainwashing part yet so he just believed vitali had joined arasaka willingly, and mikhail also blamed himself for that and believed he deserved to be stabbed by vitali for it. and THEN it turned out vitali was brainwashed and then mikhail had to just kinda deal with that so. he's dealing with a Lot here

it's worse because it's the second time something like that has happened. the other time was after high school, when they separated ways to study and then lost contact with each other; mikhail blamed himself for this for the full six years, but when they reunited he learned vitali had simply lost his phone and had not been able to find mikhail back. of course it's nice to then be together again and mikhail just ended up pushing all of it away because. well. he WAS just very glad and relieved to have vitali back. but what do you do with guilt like that? it wasn't necessary, but it's still six years of feelings and emotions that are just. kinda there now you know. like what do you do with all of that. i don't know. mikhail doesn't know

and in that moment (yes i'm also still writing the fic don't worry it's coming), all of that also comes flooding back into his brain so it's very busy in there!!! because now he has guilt for two very big things that actually weren't his fault at all and he really doesn't know what to do with it :(

however, the One Thing that really causes the metaphorical bucket to overflow is the fact he's kind of. he feels a bit underappreciated by vitali in a way?? vitali used to compliment and praise him and his work a lot and hasn't really been doing it all that much lately (also because you know. the heist. and then all the in-game shit. and then he left night city. and then he came back and died. you know how it is) and it's made mikhail feel a bit :// because of. well. everything else that's also in his head

so during that night, the two actually talk because mikhail's head is so Full he can't keep his mouth shut. he's however not that great at talking and ends up hurting vitali's feelings, and all of the things mentioned above are brought up and well it just kinda turns into a fight <3 it gets resolved very quickly though because they both cannot stay angry at each other and everything is back to relatively normal within a few days but! it IS kind of like a Checkpoint in their relationship almost because this is where things start changing for them >:) in a good way >:)

of course they're also gonna have to work through the feelings of guilt they both carry etc etc but that's not what i'm gonna focus on here LMAO that's for another post <3 what i'm focusing on HERE is the acknowledgement of work and general appreciation and stuff like that, because now that vitali is aware of that, he can start to work on it again >:)

it's not that he just. stopped doing it because he doesn't appreciate mikhail of course, it's mostly just the fact it all became routine, almost; he's become so used to mikhail just perfectly executing gigs and the like, it's become routine and he sometimes just forgets to tell mikhail that he appreciates him

however, now that he's doing it again (actually using Words, important side note here it'll make sense later trust me) it feels a little awkward for some reason?? and unnatural?? vitali at first just assumes he needs some more time, but at some point after a gig he notices mikhail is Really uncomfortable and vitali apologizes and honestly tells mikhail he's not sure what's up and why it's so difficult suddenly

that's when mikhail realizes that he actually doesn't need vitali to tell him he's done a good job :| oops :|

mikhail basically realizes he's been comparing himself to other mercs and noticed how vitali was praising them and not him, and he felt a little left out; without closely looking at himself first and realizing he did not actually need it himself :) you know how brains get sometimes :) but yeah he decides to just bring that up to vitali because he now knows that Staying Silent about it is not the way to go! see they're learning

(the next part is copy pasted from my notes because i liked how i worded it so pardon the sudden writing style shift but i'm sitting here losing braincells over them)

vitali thanks mikhail for sharing this with him and when mikhail apologizes vitali reassures him it's okay and he appreciates it a lot, and says it takes a lot of courage to speak up especially when you already fear it won't come out the way you want it to. he reiterates it's okay and he's not mad at mikhail at all, and COMPLETELY understands why mikhail felt left out

he explains to him the reason he encourages and praises a lot of his mercs (specifically newer ones, and also specifically vincent) is because he can tell a lot of them 1) have low self confidence or 2) have been severely mistreated by other employers and/or fixers, and vitali wants to give their confidence a boost and wants them to know the work they do is appreciated. there's also some who don't require it, and then he usually lays off, except for bigger gigs; or when it goes wrong, in which case he assures them it's alright to fuck up sometimes and it won't change anything, as long as it doesn't become a regular thing (in which case vitali would still check up on them first to make sure it's not something in their personal life that's causing them to be like this, rather than immediately kicking them on the street)

vitali explaining all of this to mikhail helps a LOT, because now mikhail sees the underlying pattern and motivations and it helps him make sense out of it all in the bigger picture. he feels a little embarrassed now, and somehow feels like he should've known; vitali says even if he could have known, it's still easy to get your judgement clouded by your own feelings and emotions in the matter, and vitali would never hold that against him. he asks him if there's anything he can do for mikhail to make him feel appreciated as well, since words of affirmation clearly aren't working that well; mikhail thinks about it for a moment, but then admits he doesn't actually know

however, in the following days mikhail very quickly learns what DOES help; it happens when he brings vitali some tea one day at the office, since he hasn't seen him all day and is a little worried about him. vitali barely looks up from his work, but still mutters a sincere "thank you, love" and grabs mikhail's hand before he can walk away to softly kiss the back of it

for some reason, that gesture makes mikhail feel like how he used to feel, back when they were still teenagers and vitali would hug him or something like that; a feeling he hasn't felt in a long time. it's strange because when he thinks about it, the gesture really isn't new; vitali does stuff like that often, but it had become so normal to mikhail (in the same way mikhail's great work became normal for vitali) that he barely noticed it anymore. he feels a little guilty for not picking up on these things before, especially considering he made such a big deal out of his feelings of underappreciation (see this is why the "appreciation with Words specifically" thing was important earlier lol. the dots are Connecting)

this is when mikhail decides to talk to vincent actually LMFAO there's so much going on in his brain. if i were him i would just be crying right now i think. more copy pasted notes below i'm so sorry my writing style is all over the place in this post

talking to vincent suddenly is a lot easier than talking to vitali and mikhail throws everything that's on his mind out, from the fight that happened between them (vincent has already been slightly aware of it, but now gets all the detes) to vitali trying to put in more effort to them realizing mikhail never really needed that to mikhail now realizing vitali has been showing his appreciation the entire time already. he thinks he's making little sense and apologizes to vincent when he's done rambling, but vincent waves it off and says mikhail is making perfect sense to him actually (their brains are tuned to the same frequency, it's fine)

vincent says there's probably a lot more there that he isn't aware of, but to him it just sounds like they both got stuck in a routine together to the point a lot of their interactions were starting to feel neutral at best, and all the positive feelings they used to get from it are seemingly not there anymore because it's become their new neutral, so to say. he thinks it's good that mikhail suddenly felt overwhelmed by emotion from vitali's gesture; to vincent that's a sign the routine has been broken up, so he thinks it would be good for them to give it some more time, and for mikhail to focus more on gestures just like that one to see if that helps him feel loved again

SO THAT'S WHAT MIKHAIL DOES!! i'm so sorry this is already so long but i'm not done yet i'm so sorry do you all still love me

anyway mikhail does as vincent says and gives it some more time, and very quickly picks up on a lot more things vitali does; the little smiles he gives him when they pass each other in the hallway, the gentle arm squeezes in conversations he doesn't give to anyone else, and the way he always says something positive about the things mikhail says (small remarks that can be easily missed, such as "you make a great point" before continuing the convo). AND IT HELPS!!! it makes him feel good, like vitali always used to make him feel when they were younger, and it's refreshing :)

mikhail eventually gathers the courage to talk about it to vitali; he starts by saying he talked with vincent, then tells him what vincent said to him (nearly perfectly quoting him, because he memorized his exact words), and says he thinks vincent is right; he tells him he has noticed a lot of little things vitali does that make him feel appreciated, and he says he feels a little embarrassed he hadn't noticed it before, even though it HAD in fact all become routine and it MAKES SENSE he didn't notice it anymore

he apologizes to vitali for having jumped to conclusions so quickly; he feels like it could've been avoided had he talked to vitali about it more, and he feels bad for the hurt he's caused him. vitali thanks mikhail for coming to him with all this and says he really appreciates it, as he himself had been unaware of it as well and this clears a lot of things up. he's glad to hear mikhail feels a lot better and hopes the things he himself does is enough; he still feels like he's lacking, and asks if there's anything else he can do to make it more obvious. mikhail assures him that's not necessary at all (to bring up my favorite quote ever: "is there anything nicer, any greater honor you can show me than simply being with me and allowing me to sit in front of you?")

mikhail then also asks if there's anything he can do for vitali; if anything, all of this has made him aware of the fact he himself might have also not been showing vitali all too much affection and appreciation, and he worries vitali feels similar to how he used to feel before his realizations; he really wants vitali to feel like he's feeling now again, and wonders if there's anything he can do to make that happen

vitali tells him that is also not necessary BECAUSE HE ALREADY FEELS SO LOVED BY HIM. ALL THE TIME. he says he feels like there's been so many moments at which mikhail could've easily walked away from him, and it would've been justified, yet mikhail always stayed, no matter what. and he has been showing him affection and appreciation; bringing him something to drink, cleaning the apartment when vitali and vincent were both at work, doing the stupid paperwork vitali has been dreading to do for days now, and so on. he admits it has started to feel like routine for him; but now that he's aware of what's going on, he can focus on breaking the routine as well, like mikhail has done. he thinks with a little bit more time he'll feel a lot better as well, and mikhail agrees

more time passes and vitali goes through something similar as mikhail; he's suddenly a lot more aware of the little things mikhail does and it makes him SO HAPPY but most of all relieved as well. he's missed this feeling, and has been subconsciously wondering where it had gone- to have it back is reassuring, and he feels a lot better knowing it was all just a misunderstanding and not them "falling out of love" (in a platonic way but like. you get my point LMFAO)

SO. that all brings us back to the kissing thing. well two things actually LMFAO basically all of this has made mikhail and vitali realize some stuff and it also changes some things in their behavior

first of all, up to this point, vitali has been hesitant to say "i love you" to others (except for vincent of course). he brings this up to vincent one day (inspired by mikhail; vitali feels a little embarrassed he never considered talking to vincent about any of this, feeling like vincent could've helped them out so quickly had he known about their struggles AND HE IS RIGHT BECAUSE VINCENT WOULD'VE BEEN ABLE TO PREVENT ALL OF THIS FROM HAPPENING but it's ok. it's fine. i'm over it) who immediately reassures him it's 100% okay to say that to people, and saying it often / to a lot of different people does not take away its meaning. if anything, it reinforces it with each time it's said, and saying it (and meaning it) to a lot of people would just mean he has a lot of love to share- which, to vincent, he truly does

so, vitali starts saying "i love you" a lot more to his friends- mikhail specifically, but others as well, and even though it feels a little strange to him at first, he becomes a lot more comfortable with it very quickly. AND THIS IS WHAT HELPS MIKHAIL SO MUCH because his views of romantic versus platonic affection have been a little messy thus far, since he struggles with putting names on his own ways of showing affection, as well as others' ways toward him. this has all made him realize it really is not all that black and white, and the more he worries about trying to make "sense" out of everything the more pressure it'll put on him, as well as his relationships with others. he starts saying "i love you" to people a lot more as well and this allows him to let go of his views, and allows him to just feel what he feels and not worry about it all so much

AND THAT'S WHERE THE KISSING THING FINALLY COMES IN HALLELUJAH because as i mentioned before, when it comes to a kiss on the lips mikhail is 1) worried he'll fall in love with vitali and 2) scared it will be like an end station, but!! neither of those are true!!!!

one, he has ALWAYS ALREADY LOVED VITALI. ALWAYS. not in a romantic sense (ok except that one time maybe but not anymore) but he has truly always loved him and if anything, yes sure, a kiss could reinforce that feeling, but how is that a bad thing?

and two, vitali is never going to disappear out of his life, and mikhail would never allow him to fade into the background. mikhail thinks that it COULD have happened (had they kissed at any time before their fight, any time before they figured out what was going on between them; the whole normalization thing, the routine that needed to be broken etc etc) because in a way, that HAD already caused vitali to fade into the background of mikhail's life a little bit, and especially considering mikhail's worries, a kiss could've definitely caused that to happen even faster. but now that they're aware of the routine, and know it could happen again but also know how to combat it, if anything, a kiss could be just the thing to break it up, and to give them a reset. like a fresh new start :)

so that kind of sums up what their deal is LMFAO they basically just needed to snap out of that routine in order to realize a lot of things about themselves and about their relationship, and now that they've done that they're comfortable enough to also share platonic kisses like the rest of the clown brigade :)

this is also a good moment to bring up something i left in the tags LMFAO, i Have in fact considered a polyam relationship for mikhail, vincent and vitali but i've decided to Not go there actually, this is mainly because i really like the friendship dynamics they currently have going on and i feel like putting them in a romantic relationship would kind of undermine that in a way, plus all of the growth they've gone through etc etc

on top of that, vincent would also feel pretty uncomfortable and a little shoved to the sideline if mikhail were to join his relationship with vitali, because of the history they have together :// vincent is in comparison to them only "just" there and it would make him feel very upset, so i don't think it would last all that long and it could possibly even drive them all apart further to the point they might not even be friends anymore :/// so yeah i'm not going there <3 LOL

anyway that's all of the thoughts i have right now i think?? it's. it's a Lot again. and the reason some of these notes are so detailed is because i kinda wanted to write a fic about it but also i wouldn't know how to structure that well so have this lore post instead LOL

this entire thing can also be labelled as MY journey from being :// about mikhail and vitali platonically kissing each other on the lips to Actually Realizing it's not that Big of a Deal but. we don't have to talk about that <3 LMFAO don't perceive me i've said enough