#smh writing felix dialogue is so

[6okuto]

Thinking about felix bottling up his emotions and just. Flat out starting to cry sometimes and mc puts down whatever they're working on to pull him into their lap. He feels so bad that hes so dependent on them right now. Hes always lowkey worried hes too much to deal with and theyll get tired of it one day. How the growing awkwardness between them only makes that feeling stronger. Like its inevitable almost. But pls tell me your hurt comfort scenario I'm all ears 👀

— felix pre-chapter 12 breakdown hcs

note from nia: teehee . every1 be nice or i will feel humiliated because i do not >:( do this format >:( :( cries. this clashes w chapter 12 a little pretend that chapter isn't real for a second. it's like chapter 12 2.0 which i didn't read before writing pFBSSBFHJ

you know how i said felix would try to do something he does regularly with magic and fails which leads him to figuring out something is wrong. yeah. i stand by that

but he's had his fair share of overexerting himself and tries to stay calm since he did...die. maybe it'll just take a little longer this time

but it's been almost a week, too long, and he's getting antsy. so he tries again, something smaller this time

you hear him mutter a quiet "what?" and you turn and ask what's wrong

"i—i can't...it's not working i don't understand what's happening i—" his breathing quickens and he turns to you. he looks confused and so...scared

so you get books. and you keep getting books to read while felix continues attempting different spells and usual fixes that he does

but he gets more and more frustrated and everybody could tell

especially when sage would try to tease him and all felix could do was send a glare. until the day he took it a little too far and felix looked over, telling him to just "shut up already"

it gets awkward. because you all understand why he's so upset but you can't...do anything. just keep trying. keep watching him and making sure he eats and rests, pulling him along to take a bath then sleep, promising to bookmark his pages before joining him. even when the silences that fall between you feel heavy and you feel out of sync

but everything suppressed is bound to explode eventually

looking back, felix is glad at least it was just you two in the room

you had been cooped up in the study for a couple of hours (shorter than usual) when felix speaks

"i think we should stop."

"what? oh it is pretty late, um...you can get ready to sleep then, i'll pack things up. do you want to come back tomorrow afternoon or so? i think we can take at least the morning off."

"no." "...what?" "i said no, mc. i can't—" he lets out a deep sigh and runs his hands over his face, aggravated "—i can't do this anymore. i can't keep searching endlessly for a hint at what's happening to me. i look in the mirror and i see this mark on my chest and it's agonizing and i just...can't."

even now he's hyperaware of the growing symbol, the tingling sensation a constant on his skin

"we'll figure it out. you'll get your magic back soon—"

he'll get it back. it isn't permanent. it'll come back soon. soon, soon—it's all felix has heard and repeated since the first day but

"what if i don't get it back? then what? who am i if not a necromancer? what can i do for the starsworn without my abilities? read? i'm not anisa or sage, magic is—was," his voice strains, "my life. i just—i can't lose it. especially not to some damned god,"

there's spite in his voice as he shuts the book in front of him

he had replayed the moment it scratched him over and over, thinking about what he could have done differently

"if i had just been stronger or faster it wouldn't have gotten me. i would have recovered. i wouldn't be here every night. i'd be able to do the simplest spells that escape me now. i'd be able to look in the mirror without feeling pathetic, bottomless despair. i'm useless."

you reject the last idea immediately (as you should)

but all of his emotions and insecurities are spilling out of him and he can't seem to stop them

"felix you are nowhere near being useless—"

"yes i am. look at me, mc. i—" he raises his arms for a moment only to drop them again. "i can't do anything. if we were attacked right now no one would be able to depend on me. at least not like they could a few weeks ago. i'm a sitting duck just waiting to be shot."

"and you," his voice wavers, tears threatening to spill, "you have to deal with it. with me. you've been dealing with me, for days and days. brought me food, run baths, read even when i got tired, watched me wallow in self-pity. and you shouldn't have had to, mc. it isn't fair."

his voice cracks at the end, and his body is curled in on itself when you first hear him sniffle and finally, finally start crying.

you feel stuck in place as you watch his breathing quicken and body shake. you wonder just how hard he's had to stop himself from doing this any earlier, or if he already has in his time alone

and you know some people don't like being approached when they're crying or breaking down. but he trusts you, the same way he always has

so you take his hands away from his face, wiping away his tears and gently holding his face so he has to look at you

there's an odd mixture of defeat and pain in his eyes

it's all tumbled down now, and what's left is pained vulnerability when he says "i'm sorry. i'm so sorry."

his apologies turn more incoherent as he grabs you and presses his face into your chest

all you can do is hug him tighter and run your fingers through his hair, pressing a kiss to his head every once in a while promising him that "it's okay, i'm here. i'll always be here."

he only cries harder at your reassurances, his guilt and appreciation fighting to overwhelm him. so you tell him "i'm sorry...that you have to go through this. you don't deserve it, felix. and if i could give you my own magic i would, you know? i'm so sorry. i'm here now, promise."

and you continue to remind him that he's still him past the magic and necromancy. that "i'm not going to say that your magic wasn't a big part of you it—it was...is. but i never felt like i had to deal with you not having it."

you didn't fall for him just because of his powers, but because of his kindness and the way he made you laugh, the time he spent helping you, the nights you'd spend just talking to each other, his interests that you embraced and were always intrigued by, the way he would light up when you asked about the novel he was reading,

he clutches your body tighter because even if magic evades him, you're here. you're still here and you're warm and kind and everything he didn't think he deserved. you're here listing reasons to love him, running your hand up and down his back, and he doesn't know what he would have done if you weren't