#slowly coming back to using tumblr as a diary lol i miss it here!!

[freakscircus]

so this is my last year of my program, and the last summer before i graduate and i have seriously overcommitted my time in every possible way..... i'm teaching my own summer class for six weeks, i'm taking on some extra grading, and i'm onboarding for a different job for my last year that moves away from teaching. then of course i'm moving and we are going on a northern ontario road trip in july. i am so excited for all of these things!!! but when i think about how i'm going to do them all while trying to finish writing my dissertation, my head spins. our land also needs some work and my partner is super capable and has done almost all the house repairs we need (besides things that require specialized help like electricity) but i want to help with gardening and fixing up the chicken coop. luckily all the extra work i'm taking on means we have more money for camping stuff, new furniture, sheets and towels, etc which will be fun to pick out. but i really couldn't do work and house stuff without a partner. this week while i wrap up final grades and finish a few writing projects, K is painting our entire house!!!!!!!

[anniemar]

For the readers ...

So can we talk? I feel like we need to talk. (fistbump if you watch Rich Lux)

I’m about to get personal because I’ve been noticing a few things over the years and I’m ready to talk. 

I’m a writer. I support other writers. Veteran writers and also would-be writers. But I’m also a big reader. And I support the readers too. The fans. I see a lot of entitlement going on with writers sometimes, and I’m here to remind you that yes, writers make content, but readers are the lifesblood of fic. 

I kinda took a break from fandom as a writer and then recently, slowly, made my way back to it. I’ve written here and there over the past two years, but nothing crazy like I used to. There’s a lot of reasons. Life gets in the way. Muses go on the fritz. And sometimes a fandom you’re a part of seemingly goes off the rails, a dustbowl moves in. 

When I wrote my first fic I had no expectations, just posted into the void of cyberspace. I’d spent a year just reading. I wasn’t really a part of fandom yet, I was a lurker. I posted on ff.net, not quite understanding how to work AO3, and most of the fics I’d read were on ff.net anyway. Tasertricks was my jam, after exhausting all North & South fic, and a little Vampire Diaries. I had zero fandom friends, no tumblr interaction, and only communicated with readers through DMs on ff.net. 

When people began to comment on my first fic I was stunned. I didn’t expect anyone to actually read it. I was just practicing, mostly. That’s what it felt like. Posting my Tasertricks fic into the void. For the hell of it. 

And then I got readers. I got readers who commented on every chapter. Some of them left long ones, others just a few words, but I cherished all of them. I read them over and over again. It really did fuel my writing sometimes, and I’d find myself writing a paragraph and thinking “hmmm ... i wonder if so-and-so will like that line”. And even if some chapters got less comments than others, I still kept going. I was writing this to get better. 

I eventually finished that fic, it’s one of the things I’m most proud of to this day. Manic Taser Dream Girl, my first child. It taught me that I could write a book if I wanted to (and I want to). I made some dear fandom friends, hung out on Tumblr, switched to AO3 and now I can’t imagine spending all my time over on ff.net. You evolve. Fandom evolves. 

But sometimes I think back on my first experience with fic and think about the purity of it. I had no expectations, I was writing because it was fun and I loved the source material, and the people who commented were so dear to me. 

It gave me a push. It also made me realize how important comments can be to a writer, so I made a conscious effort to make sure and comment on every fic I read, especially if it’s current. I might not comment on a fic that’s 5 years old with 4,000 kudos and 1,000 comments, but a current one, I always try to. I understand the struggle wholeheartedly. 

And fandom for the most part has been amazing, it’s kept me going at times, brought me so much joy and cherished friendships. It’s been a beacon of light through depression and anxiety, addiction. A comfort when all else failed. It’s led me to people I have SO MUCH in common with. True friends. 

But then on the other hand I observed how other people sometimes come into fandom as an agent of chaos. Divide and conquer types. Energy and muse vampires. I never understood it. I always stood back and mainly watched. I watched my beloved MCU fandom turn into something weird. It wasn’t fun anymore. People drifted away. 

It happens in fandoms. People just get interested in other things, it happened to me. I started to write in Vikings. Found a beautiful community there, more dear friends. Stretched my legs. I wrote a fic for The Alienist, even though 10 people watched that show. I wanted to write for smaller fandoms because I wanted to get back to actual writing. I didn’t care about the kudos or the comments anymore, I just wanted to go back to that purity. Me and the void. I don’t know anyone here. I want to post this thing because i love these characters SO DAMN MUCH and they’re in my head. If anyone wants to read it, even better, I love you. 

I recently wrote a fic for Stranger Things. Again, no expectations. I could have received 5 kudos and zero comments, I didn’t care, Jopper got in my head. I had to write it. And I FINISHED IT. I was so proud of that. I finished it. Because it was about the love of the material. It was the love of the characters. And there were a few dear sweet commenters that took the time to send me nice words on every chapter, dear sweet people who left kudos, dear sweet people who gave me a hit, and dear sweet people who I’m sure just skimmed through it and clicked to another fic. It’s all good. 

I go back to the MCU more frequently now because I truly miss it. I’ve never stopped being a fan. I’m still in the movie theater seat for every MCU film at the first possible viewing. But in fandom I’ve noticed that things are different. Fans are less vocal. Afraid to have opinions. Afraid to comment. Afraid to interact. Scared to have an unpopular opinion. But I tell you, it’s okay to have that unpopular opinion, because someone else out there has it too. And this is how we find each other. 

As writers we need to remember what it was like when we were first lurkers and readers, who gradually worked up the nerve to comment, then to interacting on tumblr, and writing our own stuff. It takes time. If we put too much pressure on readers to comment, the readers won’t stay. If we give them too many rules and regulations, they’ll just move on. It’s not a job for us writers, yes, it’s free content, but it’s not a job for them either. 

We need to cool it these these “how to comment” manifestos. In the end they’re meaningless and do more harm than good. 

If readers feel like they can’t interact, it’ll have an effect throughout fandom, they’ll just stop commenting on everyone’s fic, afraid of displeasing the author with the wrong kind of comment. It might make them not want to write their own fic, dip their own toes in. 

You never know what a reader is feeling. It might take everything they have just to log on and give you a little heart, and that has to be enough. Or a kudo. Or someone who’s writing that comment who’s first language isn’t English, and they’re afraid of using the wrong words. What must that feel like? I speak conversational Spanish and I’d never feel confident enough to leave a comment on a Spanish-language fic. But I could leave a heart. 

In the end, there’s no right way to do this. There’s only “don’t be a dick”. Don’t be a dick to writers, of course, but also ... don’t be a dick to the readers. The commenters, the people who have been around for years and years and also the ones who are new and still working up the nerve to hang out. To come out of that lurker stage. And hell, even if they never come out of lurking, that’s okay too. We need to give readers and commenters room to get comfortable and to evolve too. Just as our writing grows more comfortable and evolves. 

And criticism? 

I think I’m in the minority because criticism doesn’t tend to bother me. I know it’s a big issue with a lot of people, many are sensitive about it, but I have a pretty thick skin. Sometimes it’s even easier for me to take criticism than compliments. With a big compliment sometimes it takes me awhile to respond because it’s too big for me, I need time to deal ;-) I need time to stop crying lol. 

I haven’t had too many problems with criticism. If anyone tells me about a typo it doesn’t bother me. I’m usually like, THANKS MAN, because I’m dyslexic and words get jumbled up for me. I have to edit and reread my chapters in different fonts to try and catch everything and I still don’t catch stuff. And sometimes I don’t have my work beta’d because well, on one hand I’m impatient sometimes and on the other hand I keep strange hours. 

I think some of the worst (and funniest) criticism I ever got was over mentioning Kanye West in Manic Taser Dream Girl, and whenever the commenter complained about it, it just made me want to use Kanye in the fic more ;-) You have to be able to brush that stuff off sometimes. And the mean stuff? Mean comments say more about the commenter than the writer. I’ve always just tried to leave a “hey, thanks for reading anyway” and left it at that. It’s all you can do, really. 

I’ve written travel articles for New Orleans publications before and I’ve gotten some really hurtful and nasty comments, under my real name. That will thicken your skin. I don’t mind if someone tells me to knock off the Kanye West  references after I’ve been called a yankee carpetbagger libtard who needs to move back to Ohio. I posted a red beans and rice recipe once and you would have thought I personally led General Sherman through New Orleans with the amount of nasty comments I got lol. 

It comes with the territory. And I want to write, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

What I’m trying to say is, if you get a negative comment, don’t let it stop you from writing. Keep going. Keep learning. Keep getting better. Don’t let the terrorists win. You can always say that you don’t want critique in your author’s notes, but I’d recommend that eventually, you want to just let it go as you evolve as an author, because if you want to ever get to a point where you’re publishing original content, you’re going to need some practice handling whatever comes your way. 

Because if I gave my readers a bunch of rules and regulations, or a manifesto on the “right way to comment” (when there is no right way) ... they’re just not gonna comment at all. Fic is not a job for the writer, it’s not a job for the reader either. 

The only rule should be “don’t be a dick”. Don’t be a dick writer. Don’t be a dick commenter. Don’t be a dick fandom agent of chaos. Just don’t be a dick and we can have this beautiful thing of fandom and community and support. And laughter and good feels. Everyone feeling as if they’re a part of something awesome. Even the lurkers. They’re at home reading shit and they give that silent fistbump, and I can feel those good vibes even from here. 

To all my readers, thanks for all of it. Every single thing. Even those mean Kanye comments. I cherish everything. The kudos. The hearts. The incredible well-wishes from people who are nervous about writing in English. The people who leave comments on every chapter, who follow my work to other fandoms, all of you. Please, never be nervous to interact with me. Ever. I am always ready and willing to cry over our fave characters. Or to help anyone with their work. To give advice. To listen to whatever is going on. If I don’t respond immediately, it’s only because I’m busy or I’m a human disaster and don’t see everything right away. 

Thank you, dear readers. For answering when I post things into the void ;-) 

I love you. All the hearts. 

[andygenn-blog]

life lately

Hey ho! It’s ya girl Andy G and I’m back! I’ve been dying to go back to blogging but every time I try to, I fail. It’s probably because I get too pressured to come back and this time with my own domain, all polished and really LEGIT looking. But what the heck, whatever. I’d have to just make do with what I have. I just really miss the ~diary style~ blogging and some of my friends reached out to me that they miss it too. I recently visited my old tumblr and I had a load of fun laughing and “aww!”-ing at my own posts. I guess I miss documenting my life too. So here it is! My first attempt at going back to documenting my life. No pressure. Just a lot of stories and photos.

I just recently launched an online shop! It’s full of thrifted, hand-me-downs & pre-loved clothes. I’ve been meaning to do this too for the longest time and now that I have all the time in the world (icymi, I graduated last April and I’ve been bumming around ever since) I finally worked on it! I really like thrifting and sometimes I tend to hoard a lot so this is my way of cleaning my closet. It’s also where I get to practice taking photos, styling and making collages. Everything’s cheap and no item is more than 350 pesos so if you wanna cop some dainty lookin’ clothes, check out Fad Folly’s No.1 Collection at IG @fadfolly! I plan to change themes every collection so watch out. Heehee. This is also a sort of ~practice~ for me as I’m planning something bigger, something I’ve always dreamed about.

Besides launching an online shop, above are some photos of what I’ve been up to from the month of September.

 Chasing sunsets and hanging at rooftops. That’s me with my automatic film camera that Jimbo got me for my birthday! He also owns one now so whenever we travel, he’d have a camera with him too. I just started using film back in March I think! And I couldn’t be happier. As far as I can remember, I’ve also been wanting to try film photography. AND oooh lala, writing this post is making me feel giddy inside. Apparently, I’ve been slowly doing what I’ve been dying to do. Guess being unemployed is doing me gooood.

Daz me hanging out with strangers! JK! That’s my high school barkada. SO last April my family threw me a celebratory party because I graduated and none of these fucks went. And of course that saddened me! I was mad at them, especially those who committed but flaked out. (that’s why I keep referring to them as strangers) So they were scared to invite me for Rommel’s despedida. LOL. But being the good friend that I am, of course I had to see Rommel before he leaves for New Zealand. Everyone was apologizing when I came. But iz all goooood. I love them. And oh, this was such a fun night. Made us realize how old we were getting too. Half of us are graduates already, some are starting work soon.

For the last four photos I really don’t have much kwento. Those are just some stuff I ordered from Sephora because I’ve been dying to try Mario Badescu’s Rose Water, a trip to the thrift shop, Jimbo after playing a set at 12 Monkeys and a photo of a sunset.

This month I also got to, finally, hang out with Jasmine! I fucking love this girl and I missed her so much. She was away for, I’m not really sure, 3 months? For her OJT and I’m really glad she’s back. Although she’s less fun now because she’s serious with school. JK. Get that diploma girlfriend! Last year we spent a lotttaaa time together when we were both single and we mostly just reminisced about the good ol days. (Not saying I miss being single, I love my bebeshka, I’m super fucking in love if you can’t tell)

This month, I also got to visit Bicol for the first time. (TY Ballecer & Alarde family! TY Sud!) For this trip I only brought my Pentax k2 and my automatic film camera, and mostly used my phone for taking videos. I’ve decided to just bring my film cameras whenever I travel because the last time I travelled, I had my Pentax k2, Nikon d5100 and a mirrorless camera with me and boooooooooy was it exhausting! Jimbo and I spent a lot of time switching cameras and taking photos and I must admit, it was pretty tiring. So I thought, why not get rid of my slr whenever I travel and just use my phone (since I like posting right away) and my film cameras so I can enjoy the moment? Heehee

I’ve also really been enjoying creating short films about my day, or in this case, our trip to Bicol. The idea of creating short films has always been in my head but filming with my camera and editing with premiere was too much work for me! So I’m glad that I found apps that really worked for me. I received a lot of questions regarding those so for everyone asking, I’ve been using the apps 8MM and InShot for my videos!

OKAY going back to our Bicol trip, it was pretty chill. The last time we were all together for a trip was in July for Kohl and I’s birthday and that vacation was preeettty hectic. Lotsa touristy stuff. But this one, we mostly just hung out. We ate a lot of good food, drink, listened to Sud play the guitar while everyone else sang along, and oh, we finally surfed again! BUT MAN, I’ve tried surfing several times and this one was the most exhausting. Besides the fact that it was the 2nd day of my period, it was a day before the storm hit so the waves were crazy strong. I was so tired I had to stop even though I had 15 minutes left. We also played a lot of Secret Hitler (a board game you should definitely check out!) and when I say a lot I mean A LOT. We stayed up ‘til 3AM playing (which meant we couldn’t wake up to surf the next day). Jimbo and I got the board game a month ago I think and we couldn’t be any happier that we finally got to use it! It’s such a good game and I’m such a good player. HAHAHA. But no, seriously, I’m good.

We ended our trip hanging out around the empty beach watching the beautiful pink sunset. We even caught a glimpse of a few lightning strikes from the horizon as our afternoon descended into night. It was all sorts of colorful lovelies.

I’ve also been bugging my boyfriend to take photos of my outfits whenever we’d go out! So here are two of my outfits from last week! First one we just went thrifting (naka aura pa ako, ang arte ko) and the second one we went to UP Town to buy some stuff before we travelled to Bicol!

So yup, that’s all. That’s a lot of kwento. I just really missed doing this.

Hope you enjoyed reading this really lengthy post!

[mmisguided-ghostt]

As Far As You Can : Exactly What I Feel

There are some points in my life when i absolutely feel nothing about everything. I often lose my interest on something that i used to do or i like. I can’t bring my self to care, to ‘wake up’, even if  i’ve been sleeping for hours, i’m still exhausted and more tired than before.

There’s some kind of feelings that makes me wanna throw up, feel the sickness in my stomach. My back sores, and i feel like there’s something in my lungs, and i can’t easily breathe. There’s something heavy on my chest,my shoulder, even my head. It hurts me not only emotionally but also physically.

Childhood memories comes suddenly like a flash of a camera and i can’t stop my hand from hitting my temple, my thighs and my own shoulders. I don’t even know what the wall has done to me, but i do really wanna punch it everytime it comes.  Well, i’m not sure it’s about the wall since i do really like the colour of the galaxy, so maybe i decide to paint it on my knuckles. Naturally.

There was a time when i can’t even look at something sharp because all i wanted to do was making lines on my skin with it. I couldn’t lived a day without vomitting my food or eating my food and regret it afterward. And i couldn’t stayed on my seat without wanting to jump off the motorcycle, hitting the road with my soul-less body and crashed by the truck. I can’t stop shaking, sweating, bitting my finger and even my bottom lip. I feel scared. I feel terrified.

As time goes by, i realized there’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what exactly missing but i can feel there’s a big hole in my chest. I’m trying to tell my self that there’s nothing to be worried because those all in my head only. I’m just faking everything . But my eyes refused to be opened. And my body refused to be awaken.

Instead of getting better, i do realize i’m getting worse than before. I stopped doing things that i like, i stopped drawing, painting, reading, barely touched my kitchen again, and i refused pull my self from that hole, i guess i’ve choosen to stand still in the middle of the hole.

Slowly, i became someone else. I covered up my self by being ‘the-someone-who-doesn’t-care-and–ain’t-got-no-problem’. Because by being someone else,that means i can’t be my own self so i can’t be sad anymore,anytime,anyplace. People will know me as me the one who never gets anxiety in the middle of something, never gets sad, and never gets nervous. That was exactly what i thought.

But it kills me. Inside and out. I thought by being like that, i slowly can help my self from getting a bit sad or whatever it’s called. But it’s a fucking boomerang for me. Everyone knows me as another person and when it comes, i can’t freely express my self, i have nowhere to talk, to cry, even for being silent, because that’s not the way i look a like in front of people.

That’s a life lesson that i could take,or maybe, i’ve proven another theories. Theory of being someone else isn’t an answer. Definetely not an answer.

So one day, i let my self fall.

That morning i was getting into an argument with my mom. I’m a firstborn child and i have one sister, i usually just keep quite when it comes to my mom because i love her and if there’s ‘another’ my dad in the house, it would be very hard for her. So i ususally just listening and keep my voice down. But i was very tired and it was a rough morning, i didn’t sleep well, and i had two tests that day. That’s a very bad side of me. When there’s a little even a tiny problem comes, i will probably bring it everywhere i go. I just can’t leave it or forget about it. It bothers me a lot and it’s unhealthy. It will effects my day no matter when and where. And that one tiny problem will leads the way into the gates of ‘feeling a bit sad’ lies down. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys may laugh.

I don’t know why but when i have one particular problem, i just start to freak out and everything comes at the same time. i just couldn’t stop to think. So that day became so rough, i don’t really remember what happened but i do remember that i just sat there with my friend, i held her hand tightly and i started to cry. Heavyly cry. I poured everything that i could and i asked her to tell me a story. So Franka, if you reading this little piece of shit diary of mine, i just wanna say :

Thank you for your Little Princess  folkstale and thank you for being here, for being you. And if i have a chance to write this experiences on my book oneday, i would probably write her name on my ‘Thank-You-Without-You-There’s-No-This-Book’ and i hope that is enough to tell her that i love her so much. You’ve held me when i’m down now i think it’s my turn to face your mood-swing recently,cheers! *taking a big sip of our frappucino with caramel sauce, oops it’s yours not mine, sowwy!*

I think, there will be 2 kind of readers on this. First, the one who can relate, and second, the readers.

For the one who can relate, i just wanna say, you’re not alone. What you feel, what you’ve gone through, it’s valid. Do not ever say you’re faking it just because you don’t know what exactly it is. That’s okay to feel that way. That’s okay not to be okay sometimes. That is really okay. And i’m here and i’m not going to teach you things, i just be here, with you, and i just want you to know that, i’m just like you. Even our problem aren’t the same, but i feel you. And mate, don’t forget to feel your self, to be honest only for your self, let your self to feel, let your soul to be free, free to express what exactly you feel.

And for the readers, thank you for reading this even there’s a lot of words that maybe make you confused and et cetera, i feel free to be complained or something lol. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

From a girl who just wanna learn how to tell the world what she exactly feels,on her tumblr.

Once again, only on her tumblr. xx.