#slow month from me xx but what i did listen to i listened to religiously. a belle and sebastian month xx

[steelycunt]

the first month of twenty twenty three is done with! and with that i ask: mutuals! what did you listen to!

[racheljoyscott]

Why Did I Start This Page?

Why did you start this blog? When was the first time you heard of Columbine? Why Rachel of all the victims? Etc.

I get asked this a lot so I guess I’m just going to make a full, proper post for a full description / explanation for future references.

To start off, I had always, always been interested in crime. Since as little as I could remember I’d be watching documentaries and fictional TV shows, just captivated by such a strange concept. I couldn’t understand why people would want to kill other people. It sparked my interest more than Disney Channel ever could. I wasn’t allowed to watch shows like Criminal Minds when I was that little. Growing up I wanted to be just like JJ. But I’d always managed to sneak the channel real quick when she wasn’t looking to shows like Law & Order. Being such an unconventional interest for a girl my age, and also the fact I wasn’t allowed to, made me want to watch it even more. Lil rebel since day one.

Fast forward to a typical middle school day, on December 14, 2012 Sandy Hook happened. That was the first taste of tragedy on a crime level I had ever experienced. I don’t live far at all from it. It was really close to home, physically and metaphorically. I know a family who lost a child that day. I knew him myself. I had seen him around town all the time. He was a normal face to me, a real person to me. It’s not like I have memories with him, but I definitely knew him, of him. I knew his mother, his mother knew me. She knew me since I was a little girl. He was real. He was not an actor. The shooting was not a hoax. How more disrespectful could you get? It’s almost as saying their loss wasn’t real. It was real. It shouldn’t have had to be. But it is a reality. The pain and suffering for that family was real, still is.

That was the first time I heard of a school shooting. It was so abstract to me. It was a pretty horrible memory for me. I remember the fear I felt, also the numbness I felt, the fear I saw on the parents faces, and the confusion on my classmates. My school was so close FBI agents came to our school.

I got pulled out of class and I as I was walking out, I saw the (typically empty) halls fluttered with kids scrambling for their coats at their lockers, all sharing the same complexed and puzzled faces. I thought maybe it was a doctor’s appointment? Usually there is a reason I was being pulled out. But nothing could explain why there were so many kids leaving at the same time. I walked down to the lobby and saw the office filled with frantic parents. I was pretty calm for such an unusual circumstance. Kids next to me were freaking out and crying. The security was tight and the sign out process was very strict. Parents were patted down walking in, stripped of purses and bags. It was absolute chaos. As I was waiting for my mom to come get me, some random lady came up to me “There was a shooting! Little kids were shot in school! The kids are dead!” She went on but I kind of ignored her. I got the message. I didn’t react at all. I just walked out with a straight face. I think it was a self survival, kind of thing. I was in complete shock. As I walked out I saw 4 big black vans parked out front. All my years of criminal shows I recognized they were FBI agents. I still remember seeing the faces on the parents. Thinking back it was almost as if everything was in slow motion.

I was always familiar with murders and shootings, but a school shooting was a complete new perspective for me. My little self tried so hard to understand why something like that would happen. I saw how murders had motives. But people killing little kids for no real reason. That really blew me away. The rest of that night I locked myself alone in my room and sat frozen in front of the television watching the news. Just thinking that could’ve been me, my classmates. I was so confused. The question why? floated in my brain back and forth. There was no reason. At least for me. I could never fathom a sufficient reason to answer why or how that could happen. Why God would let that happen. I was a firm believer everything happened for a reason. I walked to church that night, trying to find some comfort. I didn’t.

Few weeks or months later when things began to calm down and the official story was released, I spent all my free hours at school researching school shootings and Sandy Hook, specifically. That’s when I came across Columbine.

I didn’t become interested really in Rachel until High School. Rachel’s Challenge came to present. I had previous knowledge about her beforehand, basics, but when the speaker came to our school, I was in high school at that point, so hit me differently because I was around the same age as her. Unlike the Sandy Hook victims.

Again I remember every detail of that day. I was in first period science when my teacher told me we had yet another kindness campaign, usually that has 0 effect and is boring as hell. Reluctantly my class and I dragged ourselves down to the theater. I was so tired, it was so early in the morning. Listening to the speaker, I was easily drawn into her because of my interest in crime of course. But I honestly was in shock by the reaction the presentation had. My classmates were so close all of a sudden. The reality of how much of an impact you had on people flooded people with regret. I could see it on their faces. Like Sandy Hook, I kinda sat around with a straight face and took in the people around me. I zoned out. I observed. Even the guys who usually turn everything into a joke sat quiet and in awe. People were crying and hugging with strangers. Even some guys. Openly sharing their life stories and struggles. It was so weird to see. I didn’t understand. How could one have that kind of effect on someone? I had never seen my classmates so close together and connected. The way everyone was so determined to be more compassionate towards each other was just really crazy to me. I went home that night and read her journals online and got to know her as a person, not just religiously or how she died. I was intrigued by the way she thought. Her outlook on life. The way she knew she was going to die. Her philosophies. She made me look at life in a different way. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. I began living differently. She inspired me to really sit and think about life. I think we all have a moment in our life when we wake up and do that. We begin to question things. With Sandy Hook down the road, seeing a girl so similarly at the same stage in life, just made me face reality that truly not everyday is promised. Plus Rachel knew what her life was for. She knew her place in life. She knew what she wanted to do. I didn’t. I still don’t know. It made me want to find my purpose, who I am or who I was meant to be.

Strangely enough, there were a lot of connections between her and I. When I was younger I’d tell people the same thing. I was never going to get married, I’d never have kids, I was going to die young, but also I’d have an impact on the world. I got the same hush hush response, people calling me crazy. Seeing someone who said the same thing, and it actually happening, freaked me out so much.

My main purpose of the blog was just to spread my knowledge and clear up any misinformation and misconceptions surrounding her. Why Rachel not other victims? Mostly just because of the way I connected with her. I was fascinated by the effect she had. Plus every aspect of her life was made public. There is so much information I can learn and make a long-lasting blog with. I’ve always wanted to help people, so connecting myself with Rachel on here as well as tying in crime was a win-win situation for me. I wanted to create an open space to discuss and share opinions. Reflect. Keep the victim’s memory alive in a respectful manner. Plus, overall Columbine has so many valuable lessons we all can learn from, any age no matter where you come from. Everyone can put theirself in their shoes. We all can relate to it in some ways. It changes the way you think and makes you re-evaluate, especially for teenages, at such a crucial time in someone’s life, you have so much to learn about yourself and what life is really like. From the dark aspects, the minds of the shooters, to the bright light of someone like Rachel. We can’t forget, we can’t let history repeat itself. Lets all learn from the mistakes of Eric and Dylan and learn to grab onto Rachel’s train of thought. The world will be a better place.

“Compassion is the greatest form of love humans have to offer.”

I hope my blog serves its purpose xx