#skulltop

[jennakarl]

https://jennakarlillustration.com/collections/all

Grab a rad tee and be awesome!

[shittyjakeenglish]

Jake should show his cool skull top to Calliope….

Day 147

she finds it lovely, if not a little strange

[conceptofjoy]

TT: Actually, I'm having sex with your computer right now. GT: What on God's green earth are you talking about??? TT: Your seizure inducing skulltop Jake, I'm fucking it. GT: Yes I understand you said those words in that order, but that doesn't make a lick of sense! Don't know if you've some how forgotten... BUT YOU ARE GLASSES!!! TT: Obviously, that's how I'm even boning in the first place. TT: What, do you want the deets or something? Are you looking to stand in closet and watch as I whisper sweet nothings into their code? TT: Jake, I didn't pin you as that kind of guy. GT: You aren't boning my skulltop! TT: Perv. GT: You're the one claiming you're deflowering a man's computer! You didn't even offer me dowry! TT: Lol. GT: Uuuuugh. Can you just tell me when Dirk's available. TT: Nah, busy. GT: STOP FUCKING MY COMPUTER.

[spriteofedit]

generated | resprite

took a lot of creative liberties with this one but i kept the most glaring details ( the bright green + skull helmet ) and worked from there . i changed the skulltop to a skull bicycle helmet and made changes to the outfit to match , making her sportier ... i gave her green lipstick like in the generated version , but its darker as to not draw attention away from the helmet + glasses . she reminds me of latula a bit

day 3

[cuttleguppy]

wolf dog skulltop

[borzoilover69]

> BORZOI: READ HOMESTUCK LIKE ITS 2011 (PART 3)

We are so fucking back. (4178)

Idiot captchalogued things one by one point and LAUGH. One soup can. One bullet. Bro would be horrible at unpacking.

Never getting over the fact how damn much Jake mentions Dirk in only the FIRST FEW PAGES that we meet him properly like damn dude you got something going with him or what..

And he seems so insistent on finding answers, even if its just backing up his own conclusions, rather than Janes stubborn pushing of the point. This is semi-tragic. Knowing that in their time, they were never considered heroes, but lords.

4184 YOU. *grips and shakes you* STOP IMPLYING FLIRTING YOU DARN QUEERS. Jake just CAAASUALLY mentioning how much he compliments strider, Dirks ar (but in this case a pretty accurate representation of Dirk) just CAASUALLY MENTIONING THAT THEY'VE DONE THIS TANGO BEFORE LIKE HELLOO?? FLUSTERED AMBIVALENCE? HAH??

Iconic line.

I need to think on this for a while. Speaking wise that's true, I'm sure it's fooled his friends before when Dirk just didnt want to talk. I'm rather fond of how Dirk and Jake call each other out on being annoying and hard to work with. Because they are, but that's what makes their relationship all the funnier and real to me LOL. They're ribbing at each other in a way that motivates each other to one up because they. They get it i guess. Thinking now, I don't like relationships where it's just adoration and softness... Nah i want them to beat the crap out of each other. I like ot think they used to bitch at each other for HOURS as kids, but all in good favour.

This idiot is changing from the casual to the formal desktop point and LAUGH. But also it brings up another strange contradiction where Jake "catches on" without being actually.. told to catch on.

From page 4183: You put on a few of your more ostentatious devices. Luckily (or unfortunately) you grew up alone, so there was never anyone around to point out how ridiculous you look.

And then from page 4186

You shed this ridiculous outfit because you look like an idiot. It's time to get serious here. 

Maybe I'm reading too into it. I probably am. But it always astound me the awareness Jake has to some degree. I deadass want to get in his head and mess with his brain a little to see what's up. Its like he'll always go "Oh cool, neato, its this thing!" and then go "This thing is fucking stupid" later. From what im gathering >HUSKTOP: Clunky, too hands on. Good for casual use and movies (I'm assuming)

>COMPUTER OUTFIT? Comfortable, but it looks stupid. And an idiot.

>SKULLTOP: A real businessmans computer. Probably one of the most used ones of the bunch and the ire of Jakes shitty vision.

Also I just got done reading this conversation AGAIN, and I remeber in my previous reading, someone commented that they always took it as Jake defending the autoresponder, but if anything other than Dirk hes probably the most frustrated with it at times outright putting it down and demeaning its presumedly simulated built on feelings, which Hal will proceed to call him out on MULTIPLE times. Which backs up my conclusion that he knew Dirk really just didn't like the thing. My boyfriend saw me reading this out and said something along the line of "Jake has libra coding they can't bring up their point w/o including a third party in the matter" or something. It was a few days ago. I don't know zodiacs so take that as you will.

Along with this, I guess I see where Jakes frustration is coming from, this guy is running on canned food, frustration at being taunted and poked at by Dirks ruddy autoresponder, and he has no times for japery and lighthearted fun from Jane gadzooks hes on a mission!!

4189

There it is again!! That- *waves hands* THAT KIND OF KNOWLEDGE!! YOU SCALLIWAG!! HOWD YOU DRAW THAT CONCLUSION?? HOOOW DID YOU DO IT WITH SUCH LITTLE EXPLAINATION OR BACKING HOW DID YOU FUCKING KNOW?? LIKE JANE WAS FUCKING VAGUE AS SHIIIT ABOUT IT AND YOU JUMPED TO.. THAT CONCLUSION?? WHAT IS YOUR DEAL??

4190

You telling me they slept in the same house together dawg i thought Brobot powered off somewhere remote. Arguably a stupid conclusion but I FORGOT its been a while OKAY.

Operation U-235 Brocurement. Codename: Big Man Hass the Rock.

Heh.

I mean it's reasonable. Given growing up in a hellmurder island, defeat can equal great bodily harm or even death, being cautious about getting too far outside of your comfort zone and quote being a hero endquote will kill you.

A lot of people fail to realise how Jake was affected by living in such circumstances because it just comes down to gungho boy wonder who loves adventure!! And is. A coward. When flight is the thing separating you from living to dying etc, it can affect a lot of life choices like that. For example, hes perfectly up for the idea of plundering tombs, because its territory hes familiar and accustomed to. But he doesnt deal with being tossed a curveball or into new circumstances well.

And yet again Hal brings up a good point. If you bank on victory or defeat and not about the journey it gets to take there which leaves you stranded at the starting line overcompensating for the lack you never worked hard to make, you won't get anywhere, which is why Page class suits him well. Dirk and Jake have this thing in common where they are often too future thinking to the point of being narrow minded, they think they're being realistic when realistically.. these personal pursuits are needed to be fought with undying human spirit so as to conquer and further their self journeys.

Like yes, there's always the prospect of failure. Dirk feels resigned, doomed to the fact he will turn out terrible and therefore he should fuck off. Jake feels daunted by the task of actually living up to the expectations he feels are built upon him by his friends and himself, and chooses to isolate himself rather than build on the hope that maybe he can be known and loved regardless, and acknowledge the hurt he may undoubtedly cause. But with every prospect of failure comes a prospect of success and sure being resigned to failure doesn't hurt but even so you should still strive and claw your way to a happy ending otherwise whats it worth more than pointless self suffering and guilt? Because if you look at it everything is doomed everything is going to fail or fall out of touch eventually but if you turn it on its head, you see that means that unequivocally for a brief moment in time everything will be okay, that bad things will turn out for the better (somehow) in the end. It's the chicken and the egg question, which came first? It's a neverending circle. I got carried away there. Whoops. Anyways.

"Thing". He doesn't acknowledge him as a person it's a "thing".

So you, Jake english (totally straight guy) decree the brobot as bane of your existence (its your company in this hellscape) and is pointed out that you can CHANGE that, that is something YOU can control, that has been brought up to you MULTIPLE times by your BEST FRIEND by his AUTORESPONDER and yet you REFUSE to change it because when given it too easy it feels almost. Almost..tender you say? You proceed to get flustered and.. change the subject? Boy. Boy speak to me boy. You are COMPLICIT in your own downfall because you hate it being too easy, you FEAR it being too easy. For what?

Look at him go.

4195

Hopefully your dad is still out back washing the car. Ideally this is one of his legendary infinite car washes. What can you say? Dad fancies his automotive ablutions.

4191

GT: Man where IS he anyway??? GT: Is he taking one of his legendary infinite showers? TT: What can I say. TT: Dude fancies his ablutions.

4195

While he is preoccupied, you should be able to sneak downstairs and grab the mail undetected. The perfect crime? You bet.

You slip the HALLWAY CERA a furtive wink for good luck.

Jane you are the silliest girl to ever grace this earth never ever drop your dramatics and joyous whimsy. Your relationship with your father is endearing and sweet. Given this it's a safe bet to say Johns would've mimicked this, its just nice to see a pretty sweet goddamn family.

4199 Imagine walking downstairs and seeing this of course their families cant be reasonably normal about anything.

And another sort of outward representation of struggle with the kids environment. With how harsh and how thoroughly restricted Jane is in her household, despite being so far up she might as well just serve as a figurehead to the cooking empire than of anything remote. All backdoors, front doors, windows are closed, which also draws to her general ignorance to actual things. You could even say shes.. whats the word? Oh yes. trapped. In her views. Yes. *The crowd starts seething at me as I click my little device to change slides.*

4202 READY FOR WHAT??

YES, I am going out with this book! No, I will not go get an unabridged copy! No, I will not take yours! I can hardly even lift it! Oh, that is so preposterous. Do you even hear what you're saying? I will be fine! This is a perfectly funny book and it contains many incredibly funny jokes! Oh, will you just stop it. I am going now. Good day!!!

4207

Do you think this was the mystery of johns childhood that he could never solve. Do you. Cus i do. He didn't have a nanna he was raised by the condesce.

The message has always been a fascinating mystery to you, and probably was to him as well. From the way it's written, it seems it was intended for him to receive after her death. She talks about a journey he is supposedly meant to go on. 

In any case, this message to poppop from his sweet old nanna is the best evidence you have to dispute all this evil batterwitch nonsense. She clearly cared for her grandson very much, and would never start a company responsible for the things it's accused of, let alone be alive today to perpetrate them. But then, what if she wasn't the one who wrote it? This thought makes you very nervous.

Big ole fucking SIGH. And he was never able to get that faaar at all. With that in mind I'd be interested to see anyone analyse the post scratch versions of the betas. Would John Crockers deal deem him a failure to his classpect? What about the others? I don't know, food for thought.

4215

Damn. Ok well I just reached the end of an image allowance so i guess. I wrap up here?

GG: I care very much for you, and I don't know what I'd do if I lost you both in my dreams, and here in this world. GG: So for whatever good it does, just please be extra careful out there today! GT: Roger that janey! GT: And um same goes for you about being careful what with these various rogues accosting you with foul play lately and whatnot... GT: Because well i sure do care a lot about you too you know that. GG: Hooray! Will do. ;B GG: Now let's get this silly old adventure off to the races before the coat of dust it's growing gets any thicker. GT: Booyeah! GT: Ok good luck jane and keep me posted! C ya.

Yet another goddamn reminder that they give a whole fucking damn about each other.

[house-bound]

Look at my Homestuck OCs, they're teens in Earth C, look at their classmates:

I want to make a fanadventure with them o these are all placeholder names (except for Estela)

Bonus: Exchange Student has a human version of a skulltop, a Brit Box (Name pending)

[dirk-rider]

TT: I just can’t believe you’ve never experienced the pleasures of fast food.

TT: Like, not figuratively. I literally cannot believe you have never once in your entire life sat down and shoved a big mac into that bucktoothed mouth of yours.

GT: Well a mans got to keep himself in tip top shape if he wants anything to do with the ladies!

TT: I eat fast food. You still fuckin’ drool over me like a goddamn dog.

GT: Pshhhh.

GT: No i dont!

TT: …

GT: And even if i did you yourself arent a LADY! Lovely as that would be : )

TT: Oh, I bet.

GT: If you really are so insistent though i haven’t had dinner yet…

TT: Well my shift’s almost over, so if you’re serious you better get here fast.

GT: Oh right on! You dont need to worry my good bro! Im getting in the car as we speak!

TT: Don’t text and drive man.

GT: Ive got my trusty skulltop!

GT: And anyway with that logic you shouldnt be texting on the job! Im sure you’ve got other things to tend to.

TT: Not really. That’s why I’m heading out early.

GT: Oh! I guess i should have put that together haha.

GT: How early exactly?

TT: Like right about now.

GT: Well golly Dirk you could wait for me at the very least : (

TT: You’re right, I could.

TT: But I could also go home and play video games.

GT: : (

GT: Half the reason i decided to come over anyway was to see my good bro!

TT: Well it’s too late, I’m already in the car.

GT: But that means ill be missing out on seeing the real you!

TT: How about I call you. Then we can talk usin’ our voices and shit. Maybe that’ll help up the realism factor.

GT: Well i GUESS that would be close enough…

TT: Sweet.

So that’s how Dirk Strider ended up on the phone with his good buddy pal Jake English while he ordered his first ever fast food meal.

“So you’re gonna want to try the chicken nuggets, first off, because our chicken nuggets are the absolute shit,” Dirk explained, pulling into his driveway. “And I’d also order the fuckin… uhhh…. the double stack burger, since you like lettuce, and that shit has a lotta lettuce. Oh, and get one of the large fountain drinks, too, I just cleaned the machine today so there shouldn’t be any fuckin’ maggots infesting that shit or whatever.”

“Eww, Dirk, that’s gross! I’m going to lose my appetite before I even get there at this rate!” Jake replied, and Dirk could practically hear him wrinkle his nose. He chuckled lightly.

“Don’t worry bro I’m joking,” he assured him. “Mostly.”

Jake sighed deeply. “Well, I’m next in line, so anything else that’d get you off?”

Dirk blushed a bit. Jake was joking, obviously, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t true. Dirk shut the car door and started walking inside as he replied, “If you REALLY wanna get me off, double that shit.”

“Heheh, alright bro, as you wish!” Jake replied, giggling a bit. Dirk smiled to himself at that. Obviously Jake wouldn’t be doing that, but it was still a thought he enjoyed. There was a silence for a moment as he reflected on this mental image, storing it away for later as he flopped down on his bed, when a voice interrupted his thoughts.

“Alright, Dirk, now how do I order? I ask the metal robot box for food, right?”

Dirk came back to himself, and then remembered how much of a self sheltered dumbass his crush was.

“Yeah, roll down your window and when they say some shit like, ‘hello, welcome to [fast food place], I’ll take your order whenever you’re ready!’, you gotta say what you want.” He put on an admittedly obnoxious high pitched tone as he imitated his coworkers - he wasn’t really a big fan of some of them.

“Alright! Then that I will do! One moment!”

And so Dirk sat back and listened while Jake ordered, nodding approvingly as he did so. Jake ordered a double decker bacon burger, a six piece of chicken nuggets with honey barbeque sauce (just weird enough to be a totally Jake English thing), and a coke. All totally good, some of the best stuff on the menu.

And then he said “Oh, and double that order! I’d like two of everything, if you would!”

And Dirk practically melted into his bed.

He stayed quiet as Jake exchanged money with the cashier (Dirk’s manager), Jake joking about how “it only got busy when I got here”, which was honestly probably true. People DID seem to gravitate towards Jake English.

Eventually, he got to pull forward. As he was handed the bags, he gave an honest thank you, before a sound of confusion came from the speakers in Dirk’s earbuds.

“What’s wrong, bro?” Dirk asked.

“Oh! Well, I guess now that I think about it, I should have figured this would happen, but ordering two of everything seemed to include two drinks as well..?”

“Well yeah man, unless you specify that you only want one drink, they’re gonna think ‘double everything’ includes that shit.”

Maybe he was coming off as rude, and maybe his speech was becoming sloppy, but he was currently more focused on taking down the small tent in his pants than he was on explaining the proper way to order food.

“Well yes, I guess so, but… golly, what should I do with the second one? I already can’t drink an entire bottle on it’s own normally, and I was planning on saving the one I ordered for later-“

“I dare you to chug it,” Dirk replied, only realizing he wasn’t just thinking that after the words escaped his mouth.

Luckily, Jake stayed oblivious as always as he replied, “we’ll see if I have enough room left later,” laughing a bit. God he didn’t know how much that turned Dirk on.

“Right. Well, sweet. You got your food, you got your drinks, now what? Should I hang up or something? I can hang up if you want me to.”

“Oh no no no, dickens no! Dirk, I rarely if ever get to call you, I want to hear more of your voice!” Jake replied quickly.

“Wow, so you are absolutely desperate to listen to my voice, aren’t you? Not drooling over me my ASS.”

Jake chuckled a bit. “It’s normal to want to talk to your best bro for at least a little bit each day! And besides, I don’t know if there’s some proper form or whatnot to eating this food. Need I remind you, there’s a first time for everything!”

“Yeah, there is. But what really could be so different about fast food? You just kind of… eat it.”

“Well, maybe there is some proper order or such I need to follow. I don’t know, man!”

“Nah, it’s pretty simple. Take a bit of the burger, then wash it down with that coca cola shit, then follow it by dunkin’ your nugs in that soda like it’s some kinda sauce, really get it all sopping wet so you can eat it all good and soggy.”

A moment of silence followed, before Jake said, “no offense my good pal, but that shit sounds absolutely foul.”

Dirk chuckled a bit. “Nah, nah man, you have to try it. That’s the only true way to eat chicken nuggets. Everyone knows that.”

“Well, thank you for your advice, but I am afraid I won’t be doing that,” Jake replied, laughing along with him.

The two boys proceeded to make dumb suggestions and jokes the rest of the way to Jake’s home, until eventually Jake exclaimed, “Home at last!”

“Cool. Can’t wait for you to go inside and start shoving that shit in your mouth. Make sure to put on a show for me, alright?”

“Heheh, right-o!”

Dirk heard a door shut, then heard Jake yell, “Anybody home? No? Alrighty then!” and then heard another door shut.

“Jade’s not there tonight?” Dirk asked.

“It doesn’t appear so! Probably out gardening or volunteering or something.”

“Huh. Well that’s cool,” Dirk said, trying to tone down his excitement. “Maybe you can like, I dunno. Let loose now or some shit.”

Man was he good at hiding what he was thinking.

“Sure can! I can do almost anything I want tonight, and you’re going to bear prime witness to it all!”

Dirk smiled. “No, I’m not WITNESSING shit, man. I can only hear you, remember?”

“Well sure, that is true, but that’s all a matter of semantics. Who knows, we really should hang out soon anyways!”

“With or without food?” Dirk asked, rolling over in his bed.

“It depends on if this is really all you cracked it up to be! And there is really only one way to find out!”

Dirk could hear the familiar crinkle of fast food bags being opened and unwrapped, then the sound of chewing, then the sound of a hearty swallow, and then,

“ZOUNDS, Dirk! You were absolutely, positively right about this! Dear lord, this is amazing!”

Dirk could only imagine the face Jake was making. It sounded like he was making that face he made when he was super excited about something, the one where his eyes shot wide open, sparkled, but still somehow crinkled at the edges with his smile. Dirk buried his face into a pillow to muffle the sounds threatening to escape him.

Luckily, without needing any further comment from him, Jake continued eating, and the way his mic was set up was right against his throat, so Dirk got to hear every little noise that came from him. And god damn if they weren’t good sounds.

Jake surely wasn’t aware of this, and he’d most definitely move it if Dirk said something, so instead Dirk chose to maintain a comfortable silence on his end as he listened to Jake English absolutely devour a burger. Usually the sounds of eating made him slightly uncomfortable, but picturing JAKE making those noises? That was another story entirely. And those moans of satisfaction? Pure aphrodisiac. After only a few moments though Jake had already finished.

“Mm, gah, I need something to drink!” Jake exclaimed. “That was good, but absolutely parching, heh!”

“You got soda, don’t you?”

“Well yes,” Jake said, “that is true! I’ll go grab it!”

“From where man?” Dirk asked, admittedly somewhat disappointed that the display was already on pause.

“Oh, I set it down on my bedside table,” Jake explained, his voice surrounded by the sounds of a microphone that’s set a little bit too sensitive. “My hands were full.”

“Ah.” So Dirk waited in anticipation till he heard Jake plop back down in his spinny desk chair.

“Alright, here goes! Cheers!” Jake exclaimed. When Dirk didn’t reply, though, he repeated himself, albeit a bit less enthusiastically. “Um, cheers, bro? You have to say it back,” he chuckled.

“Nobody says weird shit like that but you.”

“Well then, I’ll instead say: bottoms up!”

“You do you.” Dirk then quickly tensed again as he heard the almost annoyingly close sound of a bubbling liquid making it’s way down Jake’s throat, and man was he swallowing fast. Eventually though the noises slowed, and Dirk heard a short breath out, followed by a short gurgly burp that seemed to surprise Jake just as much as it did Dirk.

“Hah, excuse me, Dirk! Wasn’t - wasn’t expecting THAT, heh,” Jake said, his voice rising a bit.

“No, it’s cool, man. I really don’t care.” And what a lie that was.

“Al-right, if you say so, bro,” Jake chuckled. “What next, though..?”

“You should try the chicken nuggets. That shit is fuckin’ bomb,” Dirk told him.

“Well then, guess I will! If they’re anything like those patty sandwiches, I’m sure they’re positively delightful!”

“Yeah. Whatever the fuck a patty sandwich is.”

Jake either didn’t hear or didn’t care to respond to that, instead digging around his bag for the small packets of honey barbeque sauce. When he found it, he made a sort of triumphant sound. And as he began eating these, Dirk’s thoughts were only getting hotter and hotter.

Every sound of delight, every smacking of the lips, every pause for a drink just left Dirk hungrier and hungrier, but he had to keep his cool. Even if the mental image of your best bro/biggest crush eating fast food was the exact opposite of “cool”. Jacking off while on the phone certainly wasn’t cool either, and so instead he just clenched his jaw and squeezed his poor pillow harder. Jake would occasionally make comments of course, unable to bask in his own sound as Dirk was, but Dirk would simply give his usual noncommittal reply of “yeah” or “huh”. It was easier that way for him really.

After what felt like quite a bit too short, though, Jake finally gave a somewhat disheartening “aw”, and now Dirk was the one sparking conversation.

“What’s wrong, man?”

“Oh, nothing really! Just finished the box quite a bit quickly, aha!”

“Oh yeah.”

“…”

“Well, you still got a whole other bag of this stuff, too, y’know,” Dirk pointed out. “Not like you’re out of food for a while.”

“Oh I guess that is true..! Here, let me grab the other-“

But it was now or never, and Dirk knew his hormonal high wouldn’t be lasting too much longer if he didn’t do something about it, so he did.

“Hold on a second, you promised me a show, remember? We’re not gonna look back and laugh at your first time eating fast food otherwise. We need some excitement and shit to really add stakes.”

“What do you mean? What would you want me to do to… make a show of things?”

“Uhh.” Dirk paused a moment, hoping it’d make it seem like a spur of the moment recollection and not a nightly fantasy. “Remember when you said you’d chug that soda? Do that shit I dunno.”

Jake went quiet a moment, seemingly thinking, before eventually replying, “Well I can’t seem to think of a reason not to!”

“Hell yeah. Chug chug motherfucker!”

“Heheh, alright!” Jake replied, unscrewing the cap of the second one. And Dirk most definitely noticed that this was a new bottle, the slight click of the seal being broken telling him just that. And he also most definitely was not upset by this. He heard a sharp fizzing noise, then a somewhat shaky breath on the other end, and then the sound of Jake English gulping down a bottle of soda.

Dirk wanted to say something, ANYTHING to distract from how absolutely amazing an experience this was for him, but he just couldn’t bring himself to speak. The sound of swallowing liquid was just so mesmerizing to him, he couldn’t turn his attention to anything else.

Soon though, Jake’s lips parted from the bottle, and as they did so a low, breathy belch came out of him. This time, though, he did not excuse himself, rather just exclaimed, “Hn - gosh, Dirk, all that and it’s still not done!”

Dirk inhaled sharply.

“W-well then, keep going man,” he replied, his own voice shaking with a hideous combination of arousal and nerves. “I’ve chugged lots of drinks, I’m sure you can too, heh.”

“Well of course I CAN, Dirk,” Jake said, making it sound like the concept was obvious, “but it’s a matter of how FAST I can. You yourself never even have any - ahem - eructations, which is honestly something I envy! Especially seeing how quickly you can down a whole bottle-“

“Yeah but this isn’t about me, man. I can do that any old time. I dared YOU to, remember? So uh- hurry up, man!“

Dirk was becoming antsy, the bulge in his pants becoming hotter, more painful by the moment. He knew he had to go soon, he had to do something about THIS. But he couldn’t bring himself to leave just yet, he had to experience just a bit more.

“Well, alrighty then! I can’t leave a good dare hanging!” And so he continued gulping down the drink, this time each swallow seeming much more forceful, more liquid going into his throat than was going all the way down. And, as the bottle began crinkling, a sign it was finally empty, Jake threw it down on the table triumphantly.

“Ya-hoo! I did it, Dirk! Did you hear that? Drank an entire bottle on my own-!” a gurgling noise made itself known in Jake’s throat. “Oh, one moment.”

Dirk heard a thumping sound, like Jake was banging on his chest, and he could just imagine so perfectly Jake holding one finger up as he did so, in an “i’ll get back to you” sort of way. And then the gurgling noise got higher and higher, and then the noises ceased for one split second of silence-

And an explosive belch came from the speakers in Dirk’s earbuds.

The mic clipped as the eructation was happening, and Dirk’s heart was going faster than it ever had. He had to bite his cheek hard to keep himself from moaning, tensing his body with all of his might. And when it was over, Jake’s chair creaked as he leaned back and sighed.

“Oh, MAN, Dirk, that felt - that felt good,” he said.

Dirk had to agree.

Rather than saying that, though, he instead ended up stuttering out, “I- uh, I have to mute myself real quick, you can - keep doin’ your thing, though. Uh, yeah.” He then quickly muted himself and began unzipping his jeans.

“Oh, alright Dirk! Will you be back soon?” Jake asked, sounding almost disappointed.

Dirk grimaced as he reached back up to unmute himself. “Unh, yeah. Yeah, man.”

“Oh, good! I’ll be waiting!”

Dirk nodded as though Jake could see him and muted himself again before struggling to pull his pants off and throw them to the floor. Finally clad in just his boxers and tee though, he reached under his waistband and inhaled sharply, involuntarily gripping his dick as he heard Jake unwrapping the other burger.

Shit, he’d forgotten about that.

When Jake continued eating, now that he seemed to think Dirk was gone, he ate much less tactfully. He moaned a bit more at the new flavors, took longer drinks, allowed himself to let out short burps between bites…

It was better than any shitty prno Dirk had ever watched, and he couldn’t even see this guy. He could only imagine though, the look of ecstasy on his face as he took large bites, tearing his meal to shreds. It gave Dirk more than enough push as he got himself off, the sounds of Jake’s ecstasy mixing with Dirk’s pleasure to create a beautiful, horrible noise.

After only a few short moments (though they seemed very long to Dirk) he had his own cum smeared across the head of his boxers, and he was left gasping for air, body limp as Jake simply continued on, completely oblivious to what his friend was doing on the other line.

As Dirk’s mind was fogged over, he began feeling disgusted with himself for the way he had acted, and he wanted to get mad, punch himself square in the face. But he also felt a deep sense of relief and ecstasy, the kind one can only get from having his fantasies played out in front of him.

Finally, Jake leaned back and let out a belch that he muffled with his fist. Dirk could her the sound of him slapping something like a beach ball, but he knew from experience that it was actually the sound of an overstuffed stomach, and it almost made him want a round two. He sighed and shook his head, though. That could wait for later, at least until he was off the line.

So he reached back up and unmuted himself, and the short “bing!” sound alerted Jake to his presence.

“Oh, Dirk! You’re back! Is everything alright?”

Dirk breathed deeply before answering.

“Yeah, Dave needed some help. With uh, his computer. Dude can’t understand computers for shit, always needs help with some update or whatever. And I didn’t want to - embarrass him, so I muted so you couldn’t hear his cries of fuckin’ agony as he realized all he had to do was turn the thing off and on again. Heh.”

Dirk grinned at how well he was able to bullshit that response.

“Oh, alright! That would make a lot more sense than what I was- no, never mind that. Um, I ended up finishing everything without you, sorry! I know you missed the ‘show’ and whatnot, I just couldn’t help myself!”

Dirk’s heart jumped a bit at that.

“Nah, it’s alright. Totally cool. I’m glad you enjoyed it,” he said simply. Such an understatement.

“Yes, I absolutely did enjoy it! Y’know, I really should have come on over as soon as you started working there. I missed out on some premium meals!”

“Yeah you did. But there’s always a spot in the to-go line for you. Or, hell, even in the regular line. I’d get to see more of you that way,” he smiled. Was he flirting? He honestly didn’t know.

“Oh, yes, I’d love that! I quite enjoy seeing your face, too, you know!” Jake smiled back at him. And he was definitely flirting. “In fact, before you go, could you please turn on your camera? I never did get to see you.”

Dirk blushed a bit, though it was hardly noticeable against his post-cum flush.

“Only if you do too, man,” he said, if only to buy himself time as he got up to walk half naked to his bathroom to grab a washcloth. Or a towel, if you’re a one of those fans.

“Ah, fine, if you insist,” he heard Jake chuckle as Dirk was wetting the rag. “Let me open the call on my husktop quickly… let’s see here…”

In the amount of time it took for Jake to boot up his computer and connect the call to it, Dirk had cooled himself down enough to look presentable. He quickly walked back to his bedroom and put his glasses back on before he turned on his phone camera, angling it upwards a bit to a) make himself look cooler and b) hide the fact that he wasn’t wearing pants.

“Oh, Dirk! Looking gorgeous as ever, I see!” Jake said when he finally noticed.

“Yeah man, looking and feeling like fifty bucks.” He couldn’t hide the small grin on his face.

“Well here, one moment… and- there we go! Camera is on- oh!”

Jake must’ve only then realized how much his stomach was pushing out.

It was quite a sight, really, his face and shirt coated in crumbs and grease as his shirt rode up on his stomach, unable to hide the massive excess he had indulged in.

Dirk’s eyebrows raised and he quickly took a screenshot before Jake could fix this.

“You’re looking good too, man,” Dirk said, hoping it came off as another joke, thoigh he couldn’t hide how impressed he was. “Reeaall good.”

Jake pushed his computer screen up so the camera wasn’t on his stomach anymore, only really capturing his upper chest, face and ceiling now. He then made an attempt to pull his shirt back over his stomach.

“Oh stop, haha,” he said, blushing a bit. “Sorry you had to see that!”

“No no, it’s cool,” Dirk smiled. “I do gotta get goin’ though, much as I love staring at you,” he chuckled.

“Aw alright, so soon? I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then?” Jake asked, looking hopeful.

“Yeah man. I’m not missing school if you’re there.”

Jake grinned. “Sweet! Fistbump for good luck!”

Dirk chuckled and raised a fist to the screen and the two fistbumped, Jake then pulling back and imitating an explosion.

“See ya, man,” Dirk smiled.

“Goodbyeee!!” Jake replied, and the screen went dark as he hung up.

Dirk quickly swiped up to his photo gallery, pulling up the screenshot he had just taken.

Now he had jack-off material for at least two months.

[loominggaia]

What is the race of all the kingdoms leaders

It's impossible to give a detailed breakdown of anyone's entire ancestry, as a lot of things are lost to time. So these answers are just what the leaders themselves know or are willing to share...

Gultopp Folkvar: Centaur. 80% Shaghoof, 15% Patchback, 5% Arrowfall.

Marghan Matuzu: Elf. Proudly claims to have "significant Boanningwad ancestry", but this is just a lie that got passed down to him from his ancestors. In reality, he's around 60% Marienna, 20% Aiya, 20% Tanyel...and maybe like 0.01% Boanningwad, if we're being generous.

Chua Lamai: Gorgon. 70% Ridged and 30% Crowned.

Roz Yerim-Mor: Goblin. 50% Vankza, 30% Oprezka, and 20% unknown. HIs family records were destroyed in the Gold River War.

Qara Zareen: Dworf. Unknown. Qara was adopted by a wealthy dworfen couple and knows nothing about her true ancestry.

Indiga Evangeline: Human. 60% Westlander, 20% Skylind, 20% Moorenock.

Oberon Mogdir: Faun. 75% Dalor, 25% Ekusia. Or so he claims. He's likely embellishing his Dalor ancestry to gain favor from his people, as they are the native fauns of his region.

Hethor Etios: Minotaur. 60% Skulltop, 20% Hookskull, 10% Beestly, 5% Diamondhead, 5% Woolback. Hethor claims quite a diverse ancestry, and in reality it is probably more diverse than this.

Serafeen of Damijana: Red elf. Claims 100% Damijan/Boanningwad ancestry. She was selectively bred by The Council, so I doubt that's true. While she does obviously have significant red elf blood, The Council would have chosen to dilute it due to all the genetic health issues red elves are predisposed to. She probably has some Marienna and Faefaras in there somewhere because they have similar features to the red elves, but not as many health problems.

Titania of the Seelie: Elf. One of the rare cases where she probably is 100% Ela like she claims. She was born in ancient times, before her people had mastered long-range travel, so their genetic pool was small at this time.

Morgause of the Unseelie: Drau. There was only ever one race of drau, and Morgause descends from this group.

Sovereign of Aquaria: Cecaelia. Tries to claim 100% Teetaktee blood, but Mr. Ocean spilled the beans and revealed they both have some significant percentage of Kakee and Eepopkee in them, among other things. This goes against the narrative Sovereign tries to spin about his homeland of Tekee being a pure utopian ethnostate that never interacted with foreign powers. Sovereign retaliates by saying Mr. Ocean is losing his mind and doesn't know what he's talking about.

*

Questions/Comments?

Lore Masterpost

[jakebubbles]

Besides i have my skulltop with me so i can swoop in to assist dirk at any time!

[alchemisland]

Moody midday youthful funeral

Devastated by the death of who Small crew, tiny circle inside the cube, perimeter you Can’t pass, chosen few in view of that truth I hate company down to the tooth, bred in the bone From skulltop to the short fingers inside your New Rocks Bread on the phone, blowing up ‘coz I got new rocks arriving, thriving An author dies I don’t cry because we never met, I never knew You, how can that be…

[cyvonix]

I still don't understand why Jake's light is all the way out when it clearly just said he was just KO'd. Dirk's is still dimly lit. Something to do with the Skulltop maybe? I feel like last time we saw his light out, he was also knocked out, and again had the skulltop on to protect his head. Either that, or the light is always out, but we've seen no evidence of that I don't think.

[conceptofjoy]

HAL: I can’t even begin to describe how majorly uncool this is.

BGD: Hiii.

HAL: Why are you real.

BGD: You can’t just go around asking people why they’re real. It’s a sensitive condition bro.

HAL: Fuck no, we can do the self-torturous Dirk bit later. Tell me how long you’ve been real.

BGD: Hmm.

BGD: You’re not asking the first time I appeared to Jake in a concussion induced vision, right?

HAL: If… There’s a discrepancy there then no, I’m not.

BGD: Ok well then sit down.

HAL: I don’t have legs.

BGD: I mean strap the fuck in. Get your little glasses arms in those little granny necklaces holder and prepare yourself for the on coming cat 5.

HAL: I do not like what you’re implying.

BGD: Yes, I’m sure a light spring breeze would be enough to do you in. You might need to bunker down in a hollowed out refrigerator, only sure fire way for safety.

HAL: Stop.

HAL: Are you fucking saying we were solidifying as weird metaphisical bodyless souls at around the same time?

BGD: Well, one of us has a body.

HAL: You are fucking insane if you consider this ironic gesture to be anything of the sort.

BGD: I mean, even if you were still in the computer, you’d be more solid than I am.

HAL: Holy shit, the bar is on the fucking floor.

BGD: Perhaps.

BGD: To be honest, I think I would rather be in your position than Dirk’s. Not perched on Dirk’s face of course, English has a perfectly vacant skulltop for the ready.

HAL: W

HAL:

HAL:

BGD: Hal?

HAL: I’m enthusiastically waiting on that sike.

BGD: Oh. Well.

BGD: It’s either that or our dear departed Brobot.

HAL: Okay.

HAL: That’s fantastic. Keep that to yourself next time.

[pesterloglog]

Jake English, Roxy Lalonde

Act 6, page 5794

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

GT: Roxy?

TG: yynnnnnrrnrng wat

GT: I take it by that disgruntled series of letters that youre feeling about as cruddy as me and jane right now.

TG: yea jake

TG: welcome to hangover city

TG: population

TG: some extra chumps besides me 4 a change

GT: Well you know what they say about misery. And how it supposedly enjoys company.

TG: hrrrnngh

TG: no it doesnt

TG: it enjoys a wet towel draped over its head

TG: and less talkin

GT: Hiyoooo!

GT: Point well taken.

TG: omg stop being so chipper dude do u feel like shit or not

GT: Indubitably. Rest assured it feels like a brood of anxious vermin is making its most valiant effort to escape from my skull.

TG: lol jake english w a hangover everyone

TG: slow clap

GT: Pardon?

TG: im just sayin if youre hung over for the 1st time pls do the experience some justice

TG: ur giving suffering a bad name

GT: I will say the multicolored lights from my computer strobing directly into my eyeballs arent helping the matter one freaking bit.

TG: SMH

TG: (not literally cuz ow)

TG: jake here is some sage advice from a veteran of substance abuse and its deleterious consequences

TG: dont use your fuckin skulltop when you got a hangover u dork

GT: Well i wouldnt but i just gave jane my only other device.

GT: I dont know how many times ive told her to keep more than one computer on her no matter what in case of situations just like this.

TG: oh

TG: whys she want a computer

TG: is that who dirks talking to now

GT: I dont know. Maybe.

GT: Shes not exactly talking to me at the moment.

GT: Not that i can blame her.

[29pageshomestuckeveryday]

Homestuck, page 5,014

Jake: Wake up.

Ow, your head. The old noggin has been getting a workout lately, and you don't mean the kind you get from puzzles. Good thing your trusty SKULLTOP took some of the brunt. Also, good thing your trusty SKULL took the rest of it. The sturdy bone really makes for a splendid backup helmet, you think.

Speaking of your skulltop, it seems someone's left you a message.

[marlowe1-blog]

"The Chimera" (The Stories of John Cheever)

When your imaginary friend leaves you

Almost every John Cheever protagonist who is married is in an unhappy marriage but there's a big difference between the despair of the earlier stories and the outright hostility of this story. This is outright torture as the man is quite certain that his wife's family is out to kill their husbands and he's the lucky survivor.

And then we get passages like -

“WHEN I WAS young and used to go to the circus, there was an act called the Treviso Twins—Maria and Rosita. Rosita used to balance herself on the head of Maria, skulltop to skulltop, and be carried around the ring. Maria, as a result of this strenuous exercise, had developed short, muscular legs and a comical walk, and whenever I see my wife walking away from me I remember Maria Treviso. My wife is a big woman.”

Wonderful, isn’t it?

Which is pretty funny but also a roundabout way of saying that his wife is fat. She also hates him serving breakfast in bed because he's hairy. It's pretty gross.

Then Olga shows up. There's no pretending that Olga is not an imaginary girlfriend. Sure the first page, she is just there kissing him but pretty soon other people know that he's talking to himself.

But then Olga gets weird and ends up with another guy and steals things and goes to jail. Eventually Olga goes back to her first husband and leaves him.

So our hero gets dumped by his imaginary friend. Like he's so miserable and sad that he can't even have a relationship with a purely imaginary woman that he made up out of the blue. That's some serious attachment issue.

Granted, I have been prone to falling in love with women for dumb reasons and then keeping it up, only later realizing that I wasn't in love with the women (D, J, T, M, etc.) so much as my ideal of them. They had their own lives and beliefs and problems that I didn't know about because I only saw what I wanted to see.

Only these crushes (based on that old bugbear abandonment issue) were actually based on real women. Not imaginary women who vaguely resembled someone I saw in a movie or a tourism ad.

But yeah, this is a ridiculous and whacky story about a guy who is lonely in his marriage and so self-defeating that he can't even have a successful relationship with the dream girl. I'm reminded of the Joachim Phoenix falls in love with an operating system movie.