#skill issue me personally I would NOT let that slide /sil

[cconfusedkat]

i bet on losing dogs with shamura and narinder.......... each au I always make them both have the most doomed sibling relationship and I fear they are never meant to be happy . head in hands

(mystic pursuit where shamura beheads narinder as his final death, rw&rw where wilt makes narinder die by himself, plague et death where shamura kills narinder again to insanity, pesticidal hymn/poisonous one where shamura begs sozo to kill narinder first, and idk about fools fidem yet but. they are both so very doomed everywhere)

[the-hufflepuff-bitch]

December 24, 2022

I have taken a leave of absence from work for my mental health. In 2020 and 2021 I worked on developing coping skills for my stress/anxiety and this year I wasn't using them effectively.

My anxiety is like having two personas on my shoulders: One looks at the situation and (no matter what it is) tells me I am overreacting and that anyone else would be able to handle it without issue. The other looks at the situation and starts sounding alarms, because everything is so bad and every terrible thing I can think of will happen.

So I wobble between overreacting and consciously underreacting (by ignoring the situation that causing me stress).

Neither of these are healthy. And since...September-ish I've been consciously ignoring things that cause me stress and downplaying my emotions to certain information.

100-day period? Oh that happens sometimes.

Heavy bleeding? It's not that heavy, it's just been so long since I've had a period that I no longer have perspective of what a heavy period looks like.

Cramps that have me doubled over and cause nausea? I'm overreacting because I don't normally have cramps.

On track for less than four periods in a year? No big deal.

My SIL is pregnant? Honestly, I am happy for her. But I can't tell her that I am also envious, and sad, and frustrated that my body can't seem to do the thing that came so easily for her.

My husband's cousin is pregnant with her second child (second child since we started trying)? I cried when I saw the Facebook post.

My cousin is sharing 1-month photos of her new baby? I'm trying not to cry. I quick scroll past all the pictures after leaving a heart reaction.

It's not that I want everyone else to struggle like I am - far from it, this sucks - but all this leading up to the worst time of year for me was just one thing after another. To say nothing of work stress (whole other can of worms I'm not going into).

I considered posting about my ectopic yesterday, the four-year anniversary of my surgery, on my Facebook page. I posted about just having an ectopic back in June - ripped the band-aid off so everyone who is friends with me on Facebook knows instead of continuing the one to one in-person sharing that I was doing. Since that also then puts stress on me to justify why I didn't tell them for long.

But that would've been 24 hours after my brother and SIL posted their pregnancy announcement to Facebook. And 48 hours after my cousin posted her son's one-month photos. And I've been struggling lately, but I don't want them to know I'm struggling. Because it isn't their fault it's just the whole situation and timing that no one can control. And I don't want my struggling to overshadow the fact that I am excited for them. I'm happy that things are going well for them.

So during my leave of absence, I'm working on rebuilding my coping skills and reducing my stress (it could by a hormonal hell cycle, where the more stressed I am the worse my symptoms are and that increases my stress). I'm also working on a Blood and Guts journal, so I can track my health, doctor's appointments, and a few other things throughout the year.

I did strength training (a light intro to equipment session) with a trainer on Tuesday. I honestly forgot how much I enjoy lifting weights after I finish a session. During the session I'm focusing on my form, so I can't let my mind wander (hello anxiety issue), and I was lifting more than I expected. So I'm looking at getting back into that habit - it's good for my health, good for my mind, and I'm thinking about setting another race goal. After my surgery, my goal was to be able to do the Cha Cha Slide at my wedding. I did it, I went all the way to the floor and back up with no hands. Then I set a goal to finish a 5k. I did two of those, running a bit more each time. Then my goal was to complete a Spartan Race - but then COVID hit and everything was put on hold. So I think before my next session, I'm going to look for a race that's in late spring/early summer and set that as my goal.

Yesterday, I decided to journal my self-care. I'm reading 'The Gifts of Imperfection' by Brene Brown and ended up filling up a number of post-its with quotes and reminders. So I decided to also use my gratitude journal to make note of what my self-care for each day and how I felt during/after it or any takeaways.

Basically, we have a schedule where the morning is for my self-care and the afternoon is for projects. Self-care is physical and mental (Wednesday I read a book on mindfulness, started a mindfulness practice for the week, and then gave myself a pedicure because it's a little pleasure I've been denying myself), and projects are things that I want/need to do. Some projects on my list are creating the pages for my Blood and Guts journal, working on WIPs, household accounting, household maintenance. Some of them are things that need to get done, some will increase my skills, and some are personal projects that only I can do.

I'm not sure if I'll stay at my job full-time for another year. But I do know that I let my internal stress build to such a degree that on Friday my overreacting persona was telling to quit in a blaze of glory, burn any relationship I've built up at this organization over the past three years. And if I do leave, that isn't how I want to do so. So part of my self-care time is also figuring out what I want to do. Not what I should do, or what people expect me to do, but what I want. And right now, the main thing sticking out to me is that I want to find my balance again.